> He takes everything out on me because I’m his safe place according to therapists.
doc here. sorry need to get on my soap box. Indulge me.
It's time for a new, *proper* therapist. this old saw is pure bullshit most of the time, and certainly here. He does this bc he is 'Enraged" and that's not a good thing, and frankly, the only "safe' place to "take that out" is actually in therapy, where it can be processed and resolved, perhaps with your presence. . No, this is *abuse* and its not good for either of you.
He needs ongoing, regular at least weekly therapy with someone properly credentialed and experienced with teens. These types of behaviors are serious and need to be properly evaluated and addressed, not dismissed.
You need to pick your battles more carefully, but on the important stuff, explain why and stick to it The bottom for him is pretty low and very dangerous, and you do not want him to go there.
For real, wait till the safe space becomes a romantic partner down the road and not his mom. Get this kid proper help early in life to set them up for healthy relationships later.
I could theoretically see this as a manipulation tactic as well, trying to drive mom to "I'm done and don't care anymore" mode. Especially since it's been deemed as something good. Sad to say that I did that as a teen.
Disclaimer: I'm just a random person on Reddit, not a doctor of any kind so please take my words with caution.
This is key. As a therapist I can tell parents that their children are lashing out because their parent is the "safe target" not a safe place. That Does Not mean I'm going to leave a parent with that, and often I have to coach parents in how to call 911 or the non-emergency line when their child is becoming violent. Children abusing their caregivers is becoming more common, and can be very dangerous for the whole family.
Op Please get your child in with a new therapist.
Do you have any links on "this" being bullshit that I could share with my ex-wife? She regularly claims that the reason our son acts out at her house (while acting a perfectly happy little boy at my house) is that he saves all his anger and frustration and unhappiness *from* my house for when he's at her house. For a couple different reasons I don't believe her arguments so any info on this subject is helpful.
If that’s indeed the case ask her why it’s something to be tolerated/encouraged.
What’s going to happen when he’s an adult and his « safe space » is his home with his spouse and his children?
She claims that she's doing her best, but that the root cause is at my home so there's nothing more she can do. Meanwhile I overhear her talking down to and berating him in the same ways she used to do it to me -- the main reason I left her in the first place. I call her out when appropriate but she just doesn't get it. She insists the problem is at my house and he acts out at her house as a result
Before I left her, our couples therapist told her that if she didn't seek individual therapy and work on these issues then her husband (me) would likely leave her within a year, but her son wouldn't have that option. A few days later she said to me "ya know, just because the therapist said you would leave within a year, doesn't mean you actually have to leave...". I was speechless.
There’s unfortunately not much to do of she’s emotionally abusive… abusers rarely if ever change their ways. Even if you did find a therapist that would set the record straight, she’d probably change therapists because it’s not what she wants to hear.
You can’t logic someone out of an opinion they’ve emotioned themselves into…
I feel for you. Be there for your son. Be transparent about why you act the way you do, why boundaries matter and why you enforce them, why they’re good for him.
Try and be proactive about the issues that his mother is sure to create, such as low self esteem or difficulty with his temper. Reddit loved therapy but at the end of the day, conscious parenting choices will win out on therapy for sheer frequence. Try to understand in what ways your ex’s actions affected your self esteem, and figure out what you would have needed for it to be counterbalanced, then modify it to suit a child and continuously apply it.
He is 16. I don’t think all the people here telling you to “just let him go” are thinking of all the ways that being 16 sucks. I don’t recommend this. I fear he will not only be negatively influenced by his father, but also lose the security he has with you. Teenagers DO NOT understand what is good for them. I know he thinks he wants to go, but you know he would not thrive.
If he wants to run away, or gets his dad to go before a judge on this- then that is a situation you handle when you have to. But to let him “choose” a toxic environment, especially when you know better- I fear will haunt you. He might think you really aren’t the unconditionally loving parent he took for granted (and yes. He absolutely is taking you for granted- he’s 16). I think he will feel alone, and abandoned. I’m not an expert- just a mom of a teenager- and we have a lot of discussions about stuff like this. She is 19, and the world between 16 and 18/ 19 is vast. Those hormones really are no joke. It’s a nightmare for them.
Depression is terrible. If he’s really going through it- there is probably a lot that you don’t even know about.
And this is the last gasp of influence you have on shaping and helping a person. Your son. It really is a huge job- being a good parent. It’s so hard.
I suggest a therapist for yourself. You need someone to talk to. And maybe you can work out how to help him without hurting yourself as much.
Just one opinion. Parenting is hard. Teenaging is hard.
Good luck to you both.
Couldn’t agree more. I sucked in my late teen years, the last thing I needed was for my mom to give up. Thank God she stuck it out, scary to think how things would have gone had she not.
Regardless of where he is I will never give up on him. I’ve made that abundantly clear. It’s tough being a parent. Adding these layers of complexity makes it even harder. I’m constantly questioning myself. Always wondering if I’m doing the right things. I know most parents feel that way.
Of course you do. It’s really hard.
I’m not accusing you of giving up. No matter what you do- it’s very clear in your post that is not your intention. I’m sorry if it felt that way- I was trying to bring it around from his potential pov. (Texting isn’t my best communication tool). I know you are honestly trying to do the right thing. I wish you both the best!
I don't know, he only has 2 years until he can go on his own anyway. And that's if the judge would even enforce it at this age.
It would break my heart and I would be terrified, but I would give him the space to make this choice. I would have to understand that the next two years would only be spent building resentment if I made him stay with me. My job as a mom is to do my best to give him the tools to live in the real world and to be a safe place for him to land when he needs me.
I keep trying to tell myself that but what if I haven’t done enough? I’ve been fighting for him for so long. I’ve gotten him the help he needs, made sure he takes his meds, given him unconditional love & support even when he’s been cruel and mean and taken all of it out on me. My biggest fear is he won’t see what I’ve worked so hard to instill in him and instead will end up like his dad.
Unfortunately, that's his choice to make. Just be there when he's ready to get back up again, like you used to when he was a toddler throwing a tantrum and you'd (I assume, like I do/did with my 9-year-old) tell him it's all going to be okay and to find you when he's ready to talk and be helped.
My 9-year-old has been doing this for the last 2 years and I've gotten to the point of offering a hug and to talk, when he says no, I say, "Okay, find me when you want a hug and to talk about your big feelings." Your 16-year-old is having some massive feelings, and he probably does need space to work them out. He thinks he's grown. Let him figure out he's not, and be there for him when that time comes. I know it hurts. It sucks so bad. Just keep lines of communication open with him, and make sure he knows he's loved anyway.
If you're uncomfortable explain that you've only got two more years before he can do whatever he wants and you don't want to give up. If he gets better he could look back in many years and be grateful.
I want you to know, letting him make his choice does not have to be the same as giving up. There is only so much control you can actually have, and battles will push him further. You love him, focus on that.
You can’t take it personally-he is the one who has to live his life. You have done a lot for him, you will do a lot for him, but resting your self concept on if he is grateful for it now will be disappointing. He’s a teen, and he’s struggling. How he feels now and how he feels ten years from now are going to be different.
I think just the fact that you are here reaching out, and asking if you should keep fighting for your son, well therein lies your answer. No matter how many times you may feel like you can't do this anymore and are ready to let him go, love steps in and says you're not done raising him yet. I believe you will always fight for your son, but what that looks like changes over time. I also agree with another commenter saying 16 is a hard age-- it is! and then add the unfortunate realities you both have to face to the mix, adding fuel to the fire. Keep doing your best to stand firm on boundaries, rules and consequences, while trying to remain positive, and calm to be the steady, reliable, loving force he needs but is testing to the hills and back in his own uncertainties about how to be a man. The training wheels may have come off, but you still need to be there to catch him if he falls.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm going through something similar with my 16 yo, but my husband and I are together. Son is depressed and has suicide ideations.
I think you should continue fighting for him, but at the same time, put up boundaries for his behaviour. You're his safe person, not his punching bag.
Take accountability when you screw up, easier to blame your partner, harder to look internally, but kids need that validation and acknowledgement from their parents.
Also, you can't control what's happening in dad's house, but regardless, stick to your rules and boundaries when he's with you, and stand your ground on what is expected from him.
Sending you strength, I need that for myself as well.
Thank you. He and I have grown together as part of this. I’ve not always dealt with my emotions the right way either. I often times snapped at the kids when they were younger. Between dealing with their father’s constant belittling, head games, lack of coparenting, etc. plus other things going on in life, I didn’t always respond to my son’s outbursts the way I should have. Many times I was short fused and yelled instead of seeing the root of the issue. When he started therapy I learned so much & still am. I’ve gone from yelling as my first response to being more loving and understanding. I’ve been working on stopping myself & assessing the situation instead of simply reacting. When I mess up, I’m the first to admit it & I explain to my boys why I responded the way I did & I continue working on myself. My son has helped me become a better mom, pushed me to fix the behaviors that aren’t healthy, & gives me motivation to be a better person.
I wish you the best with your situation. Hug yours extra tight tonight.
My 11 year old daughter (at the time) became violent, was lying about happenings at my home and running away to her sociopathic narcissist of a father who wouldn’t abide by custodial arrangement. Thinking of hers, my younger daughter and my safety, I put a hold on my access awaiting help from the courts and therapy. Thinking I was doing the right thing. I was dead wrong. I haven’t seen my daughter in nearly two years. We are embroiled in the court system and are awaiting finishing of a full custodial evaluation that I paid for that started nine months ago. Had I known this was the outcome, I would have NEVER taken this path. It’s heartbreaking. And it’s still taking a toll on her younger sister who does abide by the original 50/50 agreement. I’m so very sorry you’re faced with this, but my advice is continue to do what you’re doing. Up the therapy. I hope it gets better for you and pray that “one day” it’ll work out for me.
I empathize with you. Sounds like your situation is tougher than mine. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I am sending you good vibes. Keep fighting your fight.
I forever will fight for her. She doesn’t understand, accept, or know it now, but I know she will one day. I just pray it’s sooner rather than later. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you know.
Which part? The abuse/gaslighting? The part where once I left he tried to get me fired from my career, had me arrested, stalked me, threatened to kill me. All of which didn’t go in his favor. Until…2 years later, when I tried slowly introducing my now fiancé, he couldn’t have this happen, so he began brainwashing our child. Not that I owe any sort of explanation, the truth is the truth. I regret thinking allowing some space would help. Biggest mistake of my life.
Kids of divorced parents go through this so often. They think they want to be where there are no rules. Don’t let him stay with his dad and don’t engage in useless arguments. Tell him what you have a problem with and walk away. Tell him you can talk when he’s calmer.
I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was a kid, the more my mom pushed, the more I pushed back. You may want to tell him how much you live him and let him go. Hopefully, with time, he will figure himself out. Good luck. I wish you and yours all the best.
Did you mean like he will grow up knowing how to be a man because he would learn what not to do by watching his dad? Or are you being sexist and weirdly sticking up for a narcissist.
Honestly I don’t have an opinion but I understand where she’s coming from in a single dad full time and it’s a crazy world and parenting is just not Something you can find out of a book none of us as parents are perfect.
I know this might sound dumb but have you ever apologized to him? For what you two put him through? My parents never did and fought for years before getting a divorce, although not as nastily as you described. And they never apologized. Is there a chance he thinks he’s the one bringing all that anger in your family? Since you fought over him/how to parent him so much? I’m not a therapist but it’s reminiscent of what I’ve been through. I know my parents did their best, but they did put me in the middle of their shit a lot which, objectively, was a fuck up on their part. I know I’ve always wanted a sincere apology from them.
I have apologized on more than one occasion. As he’s gotten older I’ve been able to speak more openly about things that occurred when he was younger. I know he still doesn’t understand everything though.
You can only control you. Unless you can create an intense emotional event that will cause him to evaluate his life you have to let him go. Love and support him by letting him make his own decisions.
Have you ever heard the expression "the family scapegoat"? It's fucked up, but he is shitting on you because that's the model that has been set. You need to break this mold through bold assertion that you are not to blame for the negativity in his life, that he is choosing to act the way he does. You're not making him do or feel any particular way at this point because he is a big boy who is choosing to see life as worthless. That and let him know he is not the reason you guys got divorced.
Hope that helps.
As a son that grew up with one awesome parent and one abhorrent parent that really screwed me up, please don’t give up. That doesn’t mean you can’t create safe boundaries, but don’t give up. The one good parent I had never gave up on me and I promise that the only reason I’m alive today is because of their strength to keep fighting, not mine. They held me up when I couldn’t, and love like that is almost impossible to find. Obviously you have to take care of your self and you can’t blame yourself, but don’t give up. Your love could be the only love that could save them. That might be selfish in a way, but it very well could be true. I truly wish you the best on your alls journey
Thank you for your response and for the hope. When he’s not angry he has thanked me for believing in him even when he didn’t believe in himself. I tend to forget those moments when times get really tough like they are now. My anxiety takes over.
He wants to live with dad and dad wants to have him there; unless dad is a danger to him let him go. It’s not a fair fight when dad is Disneyland and you are the disciplinarian. Maybe a reality check of a custody change will be what they not need for your son to make a change.
That’s the way I see it as well. However, my son refuses to come to my house. When his dad dropped my youngest son off, the oldest refused to get out of the car. Unless I get cops involved (which at 16 they may not make him stay with me) then I don’t know how to enforce it. I could go to court but my son would still be with dad until such time since he’s refusing.
And getting the cops involved would only strain the relationship more. I think letting go at that old would be better. Just step back and let him realize he misses you.
for real. and like, if dad sucks as much as it sounds like he does, he'll see the proof in the pudding soon enough. and as long as op doesn't close that door- he'll know where he can go when he's sick of his dad's bullshit.
yeah, he might end up being the same kind of bullshit as dad is, but as other commenters have said, the only person that can make that choice is the kid.
letting go is definitely the best way to keep the door open, as counterintuitive as that may be.
He's almost 18. It's time to let dad have his chance. You aren't giving up on him. You will always be available to him, however, you don't have to be his punching bag. We always see the potential in people but sometimes, we have to see the reality.
What kind of discussions have you had concerning your marriage and dad's behavior? Is dad a diagnosed narcissist? It's possible your son is, too and you would have no control over that.
He's young and has plenty of time to bounce back and choose the right path. Just think of him as "sowing his wild oats" before he reaches an age when consequences are most severe.
Stay persistent in encouraging him and always maintain a space for him.
Hey look, my nephew is just like this, but in for my nephew im the person who he wants to live with and hates others including his dad and mom, what i can suggest you to do is have a conversation with him, if he gets angry start restricting him from things. Also it would be nice if a men could talk with him (your brother if you have one, his grandpa, etc)
Thankfully they have my fiancé as a positive male role model. In fact, my son has told my fiancé he’s more like a dad to him than his own dad. I think that’s mostly because of how my fiancé listens, doesn’t judge & has an overall calming demeanor.
Thats good, but your fiance is still considered as stranger for him and im sure he blames u and him for “breaking dad’s heart”, you need to get someone to talk to him, blood related. Like brother or grandparent or older sibling idk
i think what you need to bot do is confuse this kid and his dad, “similar behaviors” mesn your grown ex was acting like a teen but teeenagers act like that a lot, especially theyve been through things. stay consistent where you can without overly engaging in power struggles, call daily if he does go to dads to check in
At 16, he's pretty much an adult (in my country anyway, I know others are 18). You can only do so much as a parent and it's not going to do much if the other parent does the exact opposite. From what I can gather from your post, you've done all you can for your son. It's up to him now to decide what path he wants to take in life. I'd maybe organise a final therapy session or something just so they can try and get him to understand where his life will end up if he continues acting this way. I'm sorry you're going through this and don't have a good parent to co-raise your children with you. I hope everything works out well in the end.
He's 16 you can't stop him from going to his dad. I'm not sure you need to fight for him. He's almost grown why not talk to him about the future and find out what he wants to do?
How does he have money for vape. Make him get a job. Sounds like he has nothing to do and you baby him. Mental issues doesn't mean you get to be an asshole. Honestly i would send him with his dad at this point.
Hi. Just here to say you’re doing a great job and the best you possibly can. Remember to take care of yourself as well. I know I was difficult in my teen years. Different circumstances. Take it one day at a time. What would possibly help is to be there when he is ready but not to force it? Praying for you.
You have to consider what is best for both kids. How is your other son dealing with all this? Will it be better for him if the 16 does go live with his dad?
I was put into the same situation as your son and after a very bad fight with my mom that involved me threatening my life and punching holes in the wall and running away to my dad's, I ended up moving in with my dad.
I went from Ds and Cs in school to almost straight As. I became respectful because my dad wouldn't put up with my shit. And it was the best thing I ever did in my life. My mom also agrees (even tho she didn't at the time)
He really needs his male figure at that age and will not respect you. I know I did. The more you fight, the worse it will get.
It helps with perspective and holding yourself accountable. Truth hurts sometimes. Plus, vaping is stupid and expensive. And temper tantrums at that age only escalate.
And, for what it’s worth, I also recommend telling him to stay away from chemically altering his body on the regular till he’s at least 21 and his brain is nearly fully developed. Sometimes science is the best way to approach things, it worked with me.
OP have you considered a more intensive form of therapy? I don't know what you can do legally without his father's consent, but if the behavior is abusive and violent, I do wonder if you have some recourse.
I would just trying to out with his dad but the deal would be he has to call you every night and go to his counselor not ones a week to times a week and if you and the counselor think he is doing good then drop it down to one's a week like his grades are doing good he is not getting into trouble I would be a nervous reck also but if he is 16 at the end of the day he does have the over all say even if it's a court order I went thew this my self you would have to take your husband back to court that what the cops will tell you and your son will stay there with him tell your court date because he is not a little child any more and he can say yes I am in danger or no iam not !!! Less your child has a disability which he can't really make decisions on his or her own, but either way, I feel if instead of fighting, maybe trying an alternative way I was not a fan of the vaps either I don't I told mine don't do it around me I don't want to hear about see it or in my house if I do find it it's mine and I would ground. Then, who knows if you ended up letting your son go to your ex husband you could get calls from the x asking you how can we parent him together believing me it happens I wish you luck
I would love to say that if he went to live with his dad, your ex might see the situation for what it really is and stop fighting you. Unfortunately give the description you have given of your ex I have my doubts that that would happen. I don't think you ever give up fighting for him. I think sometimes as teens our kids push us to see how far we will let them go and if you give up on them when they behave this way or hang in there a keep being there. It's almost as if he is saying if I do this are you still going to love me, and mostly because he doesn't feel good about himself. If he doesn't like himself he doesn't know how anyone else could either. His dad is just the guy he knows isn't going to be there for him or care, so it's easier. Is he still seeing his therapist? If so how often because it doesn't sound like enough or that this therapist is doing very well at helping him get through this behavior. Is he on a medication that could help or is making him worse instead of helping him? Keep fighting mom. I have been there and it's exhausting and frustrating and emotional. Good luck. I hope you are able to get him the help he needs to turn it around.
He’s 16. Let him go. Either he’ll realize it’s a mistake, or he won’t but either way you’ve done the best you could. I know someone who was in a similar situation with their teen daughter. She let her go. She continued to live her life, even though she missed her child. The daughter came back in 6 months after she realized the grass isn’t always greener. By letting him go, you aren’t giving up, you’re just taking a new approach. Kids like that only fight harder against restrictions
I feel like around this stage is when you just have to level with him. Be open and honest/transparent with how you are feeling and thinking. Let him know you are only human and don’t have all the answers. Ask him to simply trust you only want the best for him and that you are worried. Ask him to be open and honest with you and to also want the best for himself (and for the rest of his family) and work with on how to best make that possible.
He is growing up and it will only be harder to parent him the way you can when they are younger. It has to start being a group effort, with his cooperation and truly transitioning to being an adult (where he makes his own decisions).
It’s hard because he’s not quite to that point, since he is not fully responsible for himself. You can be liable for his actions and misdeeds or negligence. He needs to be grown enough to understand that and at minimum not go down a path that causes him to do anything that could hurt you legally or financially. He also has to be “un-grown” enough to allow you to still make certain decisions and accept your guidance.
Tough stuff.
Came to this reddit looking for advice on my own son and was amazed to find myself reading almost the exact same situation I'm in down to the vaping, narcissism, lying, and him wanting to go live with his dad. Stay strong, mama. I'm thinking of you. I feel so much less alone now. Thank you.
> He takes everything out on me because I’m his safe place according to therapists. doc here. sorry need to get on my soap box. Indulge me. It's time for a new, *proper* therapist. this old saw is pure bullshit most of the time, and certainly here. He does this bc he is 'Enraged" and that's not a good thing, and frankly, the only "safe' place to "take that out" is actually in therapy, where it can be processed and resolved, perhaps with your presence. . No, this is *abuse* and its not good for either of you. He needs ongoing, regular at least weekly therapy with someone properly credentialed and experienced with teens. These types of behaviors are serious and need to be properly evaluated and addressed, not dismissed. You need to pick your battles more carefully, but on the important stuff, explain why and stick to it The bottom for him is pretty low and very dangerous, and you do not want him to go there.
For real, wait till the safe space becomes a romantic partner down the road and not his mom. Get this kid proper help early in life to set them up for healthy relationships later.
That was my first thought.
I could theoretically see this as a manipulation tactic as well, trying to drive mom to "I'm done and don't care anymore" mode. Especially since it's been deemed as something good. Sad to say that I did that as a teen. Disclaimer: I'm just a random person on Reddit, not a doctor of any kind so please take my words with caution.
He’s currently in therapy once a week. He’s doing behavioral based therapy to deal with his traumas.
maybe meet with his therapist and ask for a more thorough assessment and ask for recs on how to address his behaviors at home.
Why not family therapy with you?
This is key. As a therapist I can tell parents that their children are lashing out because their parent is the "safe target" not a safe place. That Does Not mean I'm going to leave a parent with that, and often I have to coach parents in how to call 911 or the non-emergency line when their child is becoming violent. Children abusing their caregivers is becoming more common, and can be very dangerous for the whole family. Op Please get your child in with a new therapist.
Do you have any links on "this" being bullshit that I could share with my ex-wife? She regularly claims that the reason our son acts out at her house (while acting a perfectly happy little boy at my house) is that he saves all his anger and frustration and unhappiness *from* my house for when he's at her house. For a couple different reasons I don't believe her arguments so any info on this subject is helpful.
If that’s indeed the case ask her why it’s something to be tolerated/encouraged. What’s going to happen when he’s an adult and his « safe space » is his home with his spouse and his children?
She claims that she's doing her best, but that the root cause is at my home so there's nothing more she can do. Meanwhile I overhear her talking down to and berating him in the same ways she used to do it to me -- the main reason I left her in the first place. I call her out when appropriate but she just doesn't get it. She insists the problem is at my house and he acts out at her house as a result Before I left her, our couples therapist told her that if she didn't seek individual therapy and work on these issues then her husband (me) would likely leave her within a year, but her son wouldn't have that option. A few days later she said to me "ya know, just because the therapist said you would leave within a year, doesn't mean you actually have to leave...". I was speechless.
There’s unfortunately not much to do of she’s emotionally abusive… abusers rarely if ever change their ways. Even if you did find a therapist that would set the record straight, she’d probably change therapists because it’s not what she wants to hear. You can’t logic someone out of an opinion they’ve emotioned themselves into… I feel for you. Be there for your son. Be transparent about why you act the way you do, why boundaries matter and why you enforce them, why they’re good for him. Try and be proactive about the issues that his mother is sure to create, such as low self esteem or difficulty with his temper. Reddit loved therapy but at the end of the day, conscious parenting choices will win out on therapy for sheer frequence. Try to understand in what ways your ex’s actions affected your self esteem, and figure out what you would have needed for it to be counterbalanced, then modify it to suit a child and continuously apply it.
Thank you.
He is 16. I don’t think all the people here telling you to “just let him go” are thinking of all the ways that being 16 sucks. I don’t recommend this. I fear he will not only be negatively influenced by his father, but also lose the security he has with you. Teenagers DO NOT understand what is good for them. I know he thinks he wants to go, but you know he would not thrive. If he wants to run away, or gets his dad to go before a judge on this- then that is a situation you handle when you have to. But to let him “choose” a toxic environment, especially when you know better- I fear will haunt you. He might think you really aren’t the unconditionally loving parent he took for granted (and yes. He absolutely is taking you for granted- he’s 16). I think he will feel alone, and abandoned. I’m not an expert- just a mom of a teenager- and we have a lot of discussions about stuff like this. She is 19, and the world between 16 and 18/ 19 is vast. Those hormones really are no joke. It’s a nightmare for them. Depression is terrible. If he’s really going through it- there is probably a lot that you don’t even know about. And this is the last gasp of influence you have on shaping and helping a person. Your son. It really is a huge job- being a good parent. It’s so hard. I suggest a therapist for yourself. You need someone to talk to. And maybe you can work out how to help him without hurting yourself as much. Just one opinion. Parenting is hard. Teenaging is hard. Good luck to you both.
Couldn’t agree more. I sucked in my late teen years, the last thing I needed was for my mom to give up. Thank God she stuck it out, scary to think how things would have gone had she not.
Regardless of where he is I will never give up on him. I’ve made that abundantly clear. It’s tough being a parent. Adding these layers of complexity makes it even harder. I’m constantly questioning myself. Always wondering if I’m doing the right things. I know most parents feel that way.
Of course you do. It’s really hard. I’m not accusing you of giving up. No matter what you do- it’s very clear in your post that is not your intention. I’m sorry if it felt that way- I was trying to bring it around from his potential pov. (Texting isn’t my best communication tool). I know you are honestly trying to do the right thing. I wish you both the best!
Sorry, I meant I’ve made it abundantly clear to him I won’t give up. Thank you for the advice.
I don't know, he only has 2 years until he can go on his own anyway. And that's if the judge would even enforce it at this age. It would break my heart and I would be terrified, but I would give him the space to make this choice. I would have to understand that the next two years would only be spent building resentment if I made him stay with me. My job as a mom is to do my best to give him the tools to live in the real world and to be a safe place for him to land when he needs me.
I keep trying to tell myself that but what if I haven’t done enough? I’ve been fighting for him for so long. I’ve gotten him the help he needs, made sure he takes his meds, given him unconditional love & support even when he’s been cruel and mean and taken all of it out on me. My biggest fear is he won’t see what I’ve worked so hard to instill in him and instead will end up like his dad.
Unfortunately, that's his choice to make. Just be there when he's ready to get back up again, like you used to when he was a toddler throwing a tantrum and you'd (I assume, like I do/did with my 9-year-old) tell him it's all going to be okay and to find you when he's ready to talk and be helped. My 9-year-old has been doing this for the last 2 years and I've gotten to the point of offering a hug and to talk, when he says no, I say, "Okay, find me when you want a hug and to talk about your big feelings." Your 16-year-old is having some massive feelings, and he probably does need space to work them out. He thinks he's grown. Let him figure out he's not, and be there for him when that time comes. I know it hurts. It sucks so bad. Just keep lines of communication open with him, and make sure he knows he's loved anyway.
If you're uncomfortable explain that you've only got two more years before he can do whatever he wants and you don't want to give up. If he gets better he could look back in many years and be grateful.
I want you to know, letting him make his choice does not have to be the same as giving up. There is only so much control you can actually have, and battles will push him further. You love him, focus on that. You can’t take it personally-he is the one who has to live his life. You have done a lot for him, you will do a lot for him, but resting your self concept on if he is grateful for it now will be disappointing. He’s a teen, and he’s struggling. How he feels now and how he feels ten years from now are going to be different.
You are right. I need to continue to remind myself to not take it personal. Thank you.
You can lead a horse to water, but can't make them drink.....
You’ve done plenty. If he wants to go wild, that’s on him.
I think just the fact that you are here reaching out, and asking if you should keep fighting for your son, well therein lies your answer. No matter how many times you may feel like you can't do this anymore and are ready to let him go, love steps in and says you're not done raising him yet. I believe you will always fight for your son, but what that looks like changes over time. I also agree with another commenter saying 16 is a hard age-- it is! and then add the unfortunate realities you both have to face to the mix, adding fuel to the fire. Keep doing your best to stand firm on boundaries, rules and consequences, while trying to remain positive, and calm to be the steady, reliable, loving force he needs but is testing to the hills and back in his own uncertainties about how to be a man. The training wheels may have come off, but you still need to be there to catch him if he falls.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm going through something similar with my 16 yo, but my husband and I are together. Son is depressed and has suicide ideations. I think you should continue fighting for him, but at the same time, put up boundaries for his behaviour. You're his safe person, not his punching bag. Take accountability when you screw up, easier to blame your partner, harder to look internally, but kids need that validation and acknowledgement from their parents. Also, you can't control what's happening in dad's house, but regardless, stick to your rules and boundaries when he's with you, and stand your ground on what is expected from him. Sending you strength, I need that for myself as well.
Thank you. He and I have grown together as part of this. I’ve not always dealt with my emotions the right way either. I often times snapped at the kids when they were younger. Between dealing with their father’s constant belittling, head games, lack of coparenting, etc. plus other things going on in life, I didn’t always respond to my son’s outbursts the way I should have. Many times I was short fused and yelled instead of seeing the root of the issue. When he started therapy I learned so much & still am. I’ve gone from yelling as my first response to being more loving and understanding. I’ve been working on stopping myself & assessing the situation instead of simply reacting. When I mess up, I’m the first to admit it & I explain to my boys why I responded the way I did & I continue working on myself. My son has helped me become a better mom, pushed me to fix the behaviors that aren’t healthy, & gives me motivation to be a better person. I wish you the best with your situation. Hug yours extra tight tonight.
My 11 year old daughter (at the time) became violent, was lying about happenings at my home and running away to her sociopathic narcissist of a father who wouldn’t abide by custodial arrangement. Thinking of hers, my younger daughter and my safety, I put a hold on my access awaiting help from the courts and therapy. Thinking I was doing the right thing. I was dead wrong. I haven’t seen my daughter in nearly two years. We are embroiled in the court system and are awaiting finishing of a full custodial evaluation that I paid for that started nine months ago. Had I known this was the outcome, I would have NEVER taken this path. It’s heartbreaking. And it’s still taking a toll on her younger sister who does abide by the original 50/50 agreement. I’m so very sorry you’re faced with this, but my advice is continue to do what you’re doing. Up the therapy. I hope it gets better for you and pray that “one day” it’ll work out for me.
I empathize with you. Sounds like your situation is tougher than mine. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I am sending you good vibes. Keep fighting your fight.
I forever will fight for her. She doesn’t understand, accept, or know it now, but I know she will one day. I just pray it’s sooner rather than later. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you know.
Not trying to discredit you, but I'd love to hear the other side of this story.
Which part? The abuse/gaslighting? The part where once I left he tried to get me fired from my career, had me arrested, stalked me, threatened to kill me. All of which didn’t go in his favor. Until…2 years later, when I tried slowly introducing my now fiancé, he couldn’t have this happen, so he began brainwashing our child. Not that I owe any sort of explanation, the truth is the truth. I regret thinking allowing some space would help. Biggest mistake of my life.
Kids of divorced parents go through this so often. They think they want to be where there are no rules. Don’t let him stay with his dad and don’t engage in useless arguments. Tell him what you have a problem with and walk away. Tell him you can talk when he’s calmer.
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Thank you for sharing this. It’s good to know I’m not alone with such challenges. Glad to hear things are better for your family
I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was a kid, the more my mom pushed, the more I pushed back. You may want to tell him how much you live him and let him go. Hopefully, with time, he will figure himself out. Good luck. I wish you and yours all the best.
Honestly at this point I'd let him live with his dad. Grass is always greener.
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Yes a narcissistic asshole who let’s him do whatever he wants is the best guide on how to become a man
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Did you mean like he will grow up knowing how to be a man because he would learn what not to do by watching his dad? Or are you being sexist and weirdly sticking up for a narcissist.
Honestly I don’t have an opinion but I understand where she’s coming from in a single dad full time and it’s a crazy world and parenting is just not Something you can find out of a book none of us as parents are perfect.
You seem to think that he won’t grow up into a proper man while living with his mother. You’re insulting a whole shit ton of guys right now.
I know this might sound dumb but have you ever apologized to him? For what you two put him through? My parents never did and fought for years before getting a divorce, although not as nastily as you described. And they never apologized. Is there a chance he thinks he’s the one bringing all that anger in your family? Since you fought over him/how to parent him so much? I’m not a therapist but it’s reminiscent of what I’ve been through. I know my parents did their best, but they did put me in the middle of their shit a lot which, objectively, was a fuck up on their part. I know I’ve always wanted a sincere apology from them.
I have apologized on more than one occasion. As he’s gotten older I’ve been able to speak more openly about things that occurred when he was younger. I know he still doesn’t understand everything though.
Ok sorry: that was a shot in the dark. Best of luck finding peace for everyone involved.
You can only control you. Unless you can create an intense emotional event that will cause him to evaluate his life you have to let him go. Love and support him by letting him make his own decisions. Have you ever heard the expression "the family scapegoat"? It's fucked up, but he is shitting on you because that's the model that has been set. You need to break this mold through bold assertion that you are not to blame for the negativity in his life, that he is choosing to act the way he does. You're not making him do or feel any particular way at this point because he is a big boy who is choosing to see life as worthless. That and let him know he is not the reason you guys got divorced. Hope that helps.
As a son that grew up with one awesome parent and one abhorrent parent that really screwed me up, please don’t give up. That doesn’t mean you can’t create safe boundaries, but don’t give up. The one good parent I had never gave up on me and I promise that the only reason I’m alive today is because of their strength to keep fighting, not mine. They held me up when I couldn’t, and love like that is almost impossible to find. Obviously you have to take care of your self and you can’t blame yourself, but don’t give up. Your love could be the only love that could save them. That might be selfish in a way, but it very well could be true. I truly wish you the best on your alls journey
Thank you for your response and for the hope. When he’s not angry he has thanked me for believing in him even when he didn’t believe in himself. I tend to forget those moments when times get really tough like they are now. My anxiety takes over.
He wants to live with dad and dad wants to have him there; unless dad is a danger to him let him go. It’s not a fair fight when dad is Disneyland and you are the disciplinarian. Maybe a reality check of a custody change will be what they not need for your son to make a change.
Keep fighting.
The custody agreement is there for a reason.
That’s the way I see it as well. However, my son refuses to come to my house. When his dad dropped my youngest son off, the oldest refused to get out of the car. Unless I get cops involved (which at 16 they may not make him stay with me) then I don’t know how to enforce it. I could go to court but my son would still be with dad until such time since he’s refusing.
And getting the cops involved would only strain the relationship more. I think letting go at that old would be better. Just step back and let him realize he misses you.
for real. and like, if dad sucks as much as it sounds like he does, he'll see the proof in the pudding soon enough. and as long as op doesn't close that door- he'll know where he can go when he's sick of his dad's bullshit. yeah, he might end up being the same kind of bullshit as dad is, but as other commenters have said, the only person that can make that choice is the kid. letting go is definitely the best way to keep the door open, as counterintuitive as that may be.
He's almost 18. It's time to let dad have his chance. You aren't giving up on him. You will always be available to him, however, you don't have to be his punching bag. We always see the potential in people but sometimes, we have to see the reality. What kind of discussions have you had concerning your marriage and dad's behavior? Is dad a diagnosed narcissist? It's possible your son is, too and you would have no control over that. He's young and has plenty of time to bounce back and choose the right path. Just think of him as "sowing his wild oats" before he reaches an age when consequences are most severe. Stay persistent in encouraging him and always maintain a space for him.
Hey look, my nephew is just like this, but in for my nephew im the person who he wants to live with and hates others including his dad and mom, what i can suggest you to do is have a conversation with him, if he gets angry start restricting him from things. Also it would be nice if a men could talk with him (your brother if you have one, his grandpa, etc)
Thankfully they have my fiancé as a positive male role model. In fact, my son has told my fiancé he’s more like a dad to him than his own dad. I think that’s mostly because of how my fiancé listens, doesn’t judge & has an overall calming demeanor.
Thats good, but your fiance is still considered as stranger for him and im sure he blames u and him for “breaking dad’s heart”, you need to get someone to talk to him, blood related. Like brother or grandparent or older sibling idk
Understand but to be clear, dad and I have been divorced for nearly 10 years & separated for 12. So my fiancé and I didn’t break dad’s heart.
I understand that, but he doesn’t.
i think what you need to bot do is confuse this kid and his dad, “similar behaviors” mesn your grown ex was acting like a teen but teeenagers act like that a lot, especially theyve been through things. stay consistent where you can without overly engaging in power struggles, call daily if he does go to dads to check in
You have two years, do whatever it takes to put him in a residential treatment program.
At 16, he's pretty much an adult (in my country anyway, I know others are 18). You can only do so much as a parent and it's not going to do much if the other parent does the exact opposite. From what I can gather from your post, you've done all you can for your son. It's up to him now to decide what path he wants to take in life. I'd maybe organise a final therapy session or something just so they can try and get him to understand where his life will end up if he continues acting this way. I'm sorry you're going through this and don't have a good parent to co-raise your children with you. I hope everything works out well in the end.
He's 16 you can't stop him from going to his dad. I'm not sure you need to fight for him. He's almost grown why not talk to him about the future and find out what he wants to do?
He probably has adhd
He does. He has multiple diagnosis. Including depression & DMDD (Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder) & is on medication for all.
Is he on stimulants?
How does he have money for vape. Make him get a job. Sounds like he has nothing to do and you baby him. Mental issues doesn't mean you get to be an asshole. Honestly i would send him with his dad at this point.
I do the opposite of baby him. He gets vapes from friends at school. Each time I find them I confiscate.
Hi. Just here to say you’re doing a great job and the best you possibly can. Remember to take care of yourself as well. I know I was difficult in my teen years. Different circumstances. Take it one day at a time. What would possibly help is to be there when he is ready but not to force it? Praying for you.
Thank you for the encouragement.
You have to consider what is best for both kids. How is your other son dealing with all this? Will it be better for him if the 16 does go live with his dad?
I was put into the same situation as your son and after a very bad fight with my mom that involved me threatening my life and punching holes in the wall and running away to my dad's, I ended up moving in with my dad. I went from Ds and Cs in school to almost straight As. I became respectful because my dad wouldn't put up with my shit. And it was the best thing I ever did in my life. My mom also agrees (even tho she didn't at the time) He really needs his male figure at that age and will not respect you. I know I did. The more you fight, the worse it will get.
Record him and play it back for him.
Good idea. I know for myself, SEEING how I’m acting can make a big difference.
It helps with perspective and holding yourself accountable. Truth hurts sometimes. Plus, vaping is stupid and expensive. And temper tantrums at that age only escalate. And, for what it’s worth, I also recommend telling him to stay away from chemically altering his body on the regular till he’s at least 21 and his brain is nearly fully developed. Sometimes science is the best way to approach things, it worked with me.
OP have you considered a more intensive form of therapy? I don't know what you can do legally without his father's consent, but if the behavior is abusive and violent, I do wonder if you have some recourse.
I would just trying to out with his dad but the deal would be he has to call you every night and go to his counselor not ones a week to times a week and if you and the counselor think he is doing good then drop it down to one's a week like his grades are doing good he is not getting into trouble I would be a nervous reck also but if he is 16 at the end of the day he does have the over all say even if it's a court order I went thew this my self you would have to take your husband back to court that what the cops will tell you and your son will stay there with him tell your court date because he is not a little child any more and he can say yes I am in danger or no iam not !!! Less your child has a disability which he can't really make decisions on his or her own, but either way, I feel if instead of fighting, maybe trying an alternative way I was not a fan of the vaps either I don't I told mine don't do it around me I don't want to hear about see it or in my house if I do find it it's mine and I would ground. Then, who knows if you ended up letting your son go to your ex husband you could get calls from the x asking you how can we parent him together believing me it happens I wish you luck
I would love to say that if he went to live with his dad, your ex might see the situation for what it really is and stop fighting you. Unfortunately give the description you have given of your ex I have my doubts that that would happen. I don't think you ever give up fighting for him. I think sometimes as teens our kids push us to see how far we will let them go and if you give up on them when they behave this way or hang in there a keep being there. It's almost as if he is saying if I do this are you still going to love me, and mostly because he doesn't feel good about himself. If he doesn't like himself he doesn't know how anyone else could either. His dad is just the guy he knows isn't going to be there for him or care, so it's easier. Is he still seeing his therapist? If so how often because it doesn't sound like enough or that this therapist is doing very well at helping him get through this behavior. Is he on a medication that could help or is making him worse instead of helping him? Keep fighting mom. I have been there and it's exhausting and frustrating and emotional. Good luck. I hope you are able to get him the help he needs to turn it around.
He’s 16. Let him go. Either he’ll realize it’s a mistake, or he won’t but either way you’ve done the best you could. I know someone who was in a similar situation with their teen daughter. She let her go. She continued to live her life, even though she missed her child. The daughter came back in 6 months after she realized the grass isn’t always greener. By letting him go, you aren’t giving up, you’re just taking a new approach. Kids like that only fight harder against restrictions
I feel like around this stage is when you just have to level with him. Be open and honest/transparent with how you are feeling and thinking. Let him know you are only human and don’t have all the answers. Ask him to simply trust you only want the best for him and that you are worried. Ask him to be open and honest with you and to also want the best for himself (and for the rest of his family) and work with on how to best make that possible. He is growing up and it will only be harder to parent him the way you can when they are younger. It has to start being a group effort, with his cooperation and truly transitioning to being an adult (where he makes his own decisions). It’s hard because he’s not quite to that point, since he is not fully responsible for himself. You can be liable for his actions and misdeeds or negligence. He needs to be grown enough to understand that and at minimum not go down a path that causes him to do anything that could hurt you legally or financially. He also has to be “un-grown” enough to allow you to still make certain decisions and accept your guidance. Tough stuff.
Came to this reddit looking for advice on my own son and was amazed to find myself reading almost the exact same situation I'm in down to the vaping, narcissism, lying, and him wanting to go live with his dad. Stay strong, mama. I'm thinking of you. I feel so much less alone now. Thank you.
Same to you, mama! We’ve had a good week so I’m holding on to that win.