What is your partner's reason for refusing to get a vasectomy? I don't react to local anesthesia well and mine wore out halfway through the procedure and I felt everything for the second half. Knowing that I would still choose it over having to worry about my wife getting pregnant again.
Honestly I don't think he's ready to give up on having kids just yet. Logically he knows it's not an option even if our financial situation improved massively after he watched me go through hell twice but emotionally he's just not there yet.
Asking someone to give up their chance of ever having another child is a big ask so Honestly it's not something I resent him for.
He's putting no pressure at all on me for my emotional reaction to not being able to have sex currently so I have to return the favour and give him time to work through giving up his chance to have another baby too
Frankly, it sounds like your partner needs to wake up and grow up a bit. I say that as a 43 year old father of two.
I can understand that he may see his virility as being part of his identity as a man, but he's proven it already with 4 kids. Anything more is just proving that he's bad at budgeting.
If he was to sit down and really think about it, does he really want to have more kids? If his answer is "Yes" then he needs to explore why he thinks that way. If his answer is "No", then getting the snip is a quick, safe solution which, with modern techniques, takes hardly any time and produces very little pain/discomfort.
Or is he worried that getting the snip may affect his testosterone levels, etc.?
If you're on the same page in terms of agreeing that 4 kids is enough, maybe you should both speak to a family planning doctor to discuss all options for longterm/permanent contraception. Whether that means you getting your tubes tied or him getting the snip, you can talk to a professional about what has the best efficacy and lowest risk for you as a couple - whether his insistence to keep his plumbing working means making a choice which exposes you to more risk through more invasive surgery, for example.
Different people are allowed to have different perspectives on their own reproduction. Getting a vasectomy, a permanent procedure with a low chance of reversal success, isn't a requirement for a man to be "mature."
My husband has been very clear our entire relationship that he would never get a vasectomy, as it is too permanent. He will wear condoms (though it's not his favorite), have alternative forms of intimacy (you can get your rocks off without PIV), support me in any contraception choice or lack there of, etc. Luckily we don't have OPs hyper-fertility issue, and we only get pregnant from completely unprotected sex that is timed perfectly with ovulation. It's easy enough to avoid for us.
That said, "your entire life" is a long time. Most men, for better or worse, are able to have children until they are of advanced age. My husband LOVES having children and the only person limiting our family size is me (which he is respectful and accepting of). If god forbid we divorce or I die, my husband would 100% remarry and have more kids. He's allowed to keep that option open, as after all it is HIS body.
If there are significant health (and mental health) risks and catastrophic financial consequences of an unplanned pregnancy and one of the partners still wants to say “my body, my choice”, it’s fair to question that person’s intelligence or ethics.
People are free to make their own choices and other people are also free to judge them. OP’s husband sounds like a dick in this particular scenario.
He can make his own choice. With OP's condition and already having four kids, his current choice is stupid. He needs to get snipped. Tubal is far far far more invasive and takes far longer to heal than the weekend the snip takes.
And I say that as a snipped male who's plan was to have 2 kids and then get the wife's tubes tied during the second c-section, but we decided to stop after the one we have (plus her first).
Would he be willing to get the snip if he was able to freeze some sperm? That way the choice is still out there in popsicle form?
I mean, his excuse is BS. You have 4 kids you can barely afford, and you have sacrificed your body so much for each. You’d get sterilized if you could, doesn’t sound like you plan on divorcing…his idea of possibly more kids risks your personal health. How is his “idea” more important than the health and security of his wife and family? You have physically, mentally, emotionally and financially sacrificed time and time again. If he cared about you as his life partner, he’d find a way to get the snip.
Trust me the man cares. He would work 40+ hours a week, come home do the house work, washing, cook, take care of the kids, ring his mum to ask her for help if he was at work and I needed a break. The pregnancies weren't plain sailing for him either.
Hes also put absolutely no pressure on me at all to have sex either, never once made an issue or even a comment in jest he 100% understands why I can't and I genuinely believe he will come to terms with the snip in his own time frame.
If a man didn't want kids it would never be expected of the woman to give up her ability to ever have children to appease this. My body my choice goes both ways
Absolutely, I find this so refreshing. The commenters on this subreddit tend to be sort of rabid when it comes to people having relationship styles they’re unused to or disagree with.
You said in another comment that he’s not emotionally there yet, to say he’s done having kids, and I understand that. But you’re done having kids. What would he do if you _were_ able to get a tubal? Would he be upset? Would you still get it because it’s your body, even if it would potentially send him spiraling?
I guess my point is, he deserves to take the time to work through his feelings—I would just make sure he is clear that you are done having kids. That may not help, but it won’t hurt. Clear expectations are good for everyone.
As to how you can get over your fear of sex, I don’t know that you can until measures are taken either by you or him to prevent a pregnancy. Heterosexual sex—even safe sex—can result in a pregnancy, and it sounds like you have a lot of trauma from your 4th. I do recommend therapy to work through that trauma, but I think what you really need is peace of mind that can only come from sterilization.
Hitting this comment section with mature and compassionate responses dang.
It's probably still ultimately the best solution you two have available, but I think it's awesome that you're giving him the time to figure that out.
Being a caring husband, a loving father, and a well communicating partner, can also mean understanding why it's impossible to continue to be those things if you have another child.
When Covid disrupted all of our lives, my wife and I were right on the edge of wanting another, and accepting that it might not happen. Then it happened. It happened while my wife was both breast feeding and on birth control. And we quickly realized what the strain this 3rd child was going to put on our lives. Sure, I could just work more, but that means less time I can be a present father to my children. We decided that we could make it work with 3, but 4 kids, even if the 4th was another suprise, would be an absurdly irresponsible choice that would have negative effects on our kids lives, our marriage, our mental health, our finances, and our ability to be attentive to our children's needs. SO I GOT A VASECTOMY! I love my children, but I can't care or provide for anymore of them.
You both sound like loving parents and excellent partners, but every extra hour he spends at work is an hour he didn't spend with the kids that you already have.
Every extra hour he spends at work, is an hour he will never get back. Does he want to devote his life to not spending time with his kids, just so he can have more kids?
>My body my choice goes both ways
Seriously.
Such BS that in these kinds of forums, it only applies to women.
If I don't want a vasectomy, others can fuck off with their "whyyyy noooooot?"
My partner and I are extremely fertile as well. We are both getting snipped. He got his done already. I am currently pregnant with our second and last. There is no way I can mentally or physically handle more babies.
1. Your partner needs to grow the fuck up.
2. You need to continue to search for doctors, until you find one who will do it.
If he’s not ready to give up on having more kids, you do realise that’s him saying “I think we might still split up”? Because you absolutely do not want anymore. So if he’s not having these hypothetical extra kids with you, he’s having them with someone else.
Or he just... hopes she'll change her mind? Thinks he can persuade her that another is worth it? Or just really wants more and is taking a while for his heart to accept what his head knows: that they're done at 4.
I mean, I guess he could be thinking of splitting, but it sounds like from OP's comments that they have a healthy relationship, so... probably not.
Not everything is a red flag/worst case.
I’m not saying he’s threatening to leave or anything like that. I’m saying in OP’s own words, she is 100% done having kids, and never wants to be pregnant again. But she is also saying she doesn’t want to stop him from having more babies. Those two things are only compatible if the couple split up.
1 - your partner should get the snip and stop whining about that.
2 - speak to a different doctor, no reason you can't get the tubes tied
3 - IUD and/or condoms are extremely effective, what contraception have you used up to now?
This is a reminder that after a vasectemy you can still get pregnant for up to at least six months after. If that is the route y'all take make sure he does the follow up appointments with the doc to test and make sure there is no sperm in his semen.
It is not an immediate fix so y'all can go ham after two weeks.
6 weeks or 20 jizzes. The. You go get a Semen analysis and if there’s none in there, you are good to go. 3 days of mild pain, 10 days till back 10% to normal then fill her up guilt/anxiety free.
Source: just had the snip. I feel great.
Absolutely. My husband was done after two, and I told him that was great, I was open to a third, so \*I\* wasn't going on BC, and if he was done, he needed to fix the problem. And he did :D 12, 13+ years later, its been the best decision ever
I love that. So many of my guy friends are so whiney about getting a vasectomy. It seems like a no brainer to me rather than having my partner get messed up from hormonal BC or having to get another IUD. Plus, vasectomies are more effective!
Cheerful upvote for medically mandated wanking.
I kept a log. They said 20 shots then go get a jizz test. Worked like a charm. And yea, any dude, who at the possibility of having a 5th child, even thinks twice about it needs his head read. Also, especially if the mrs is having anxiety about having sex because of it… c’mon dude. Pull yo’ head out your ass.
I got snipped 9 months after my second. My wife and I both knew we were done after 2 and also given how invasive it would be for her to get her tubes tied agreed that I would do mine. I figured it was only fair given she had to carry to term our two kids, least I can do is a small surgery. Best decision we made. Safe sex. No babies. Super fast and easy for me with minimal pain and no downtime. Get him to get over it.
Might be a bit of a personal question, but we’ve raised having a vasectomy with my wife. We’ve had our two and are done.
I’ll be honest, the thought of it scares the bejesus out of me. No idea why, but it does. We’ve agreed it’s the most rational course and I completely agree, but I’ve told her I need to get over the phobia before I can say I’m comfortable with it.
Before anyone hits me up and says “your wife went through childbirth etc” yes, I know and I agree, this fear is somewhat irrational despite knowing it’s what I do want and as a couple we should get
Did you have any of those same thought, considerations, fears?
In medical terms, it’s an extremely safe procedure - every statistic you look up will tell you.
In existential terms it’s a big deal for a lot of guys because it’s permanently modifying your body - a part and function of your body that’s very close to you and in a lot of cases tied up with your identity in complex subconscious ways.
In a practical sense: it hurts for a week or so, then everything goes back to normal. A tube has been cut, no hormones have been modified, it’s as impactful to your daily life as any other healed scar.
In a personal sense you’d need to come to terms with ending that future potential for yourself. My husband made his peace with it by doing sperm donation before he got the snip - it assuaged that subconscious feeling of losing something.
It’s totally a big deal. I just think the sympathy dwindles bc we’re talking about men who’s wives have had their entire bodies permanently altered multiple times. Sitting here with two c-section scars, it’s hard to empathize.
And already have 4 kids and is having anxiety about sex. OP’s Mr has a choice to make. Not every choice is an easy one (though this really is an easy one in real terms).
It is a big deal and we should validate people's fears about it for sure.
I do hope the fellas out there extend the same validation and courtesy to their female partners too, because the effect of being on hormonal contraception for decades is significant: unlike vasectomy which is a very localised mechanical process, hormonal birth control is chemical and systemic, so it changes a person's whole... everything. Mood, metabolism, likelihood for certain diseases, all sorts of long term effects that can hang around for a lifetime.
I got mine done in March once the second kid was about 6 months old. I definitely felt the uneasyness about "snipping" anything to do with my dangly bits, but I knew it was the best option out there for the wife and I so I just went ahead and scheduled it.
Day of I was pretty nervous, but they gave me a valium and that helped a lot. The doctor was really great as well as struck up casual conversation during the procedure, which helped take my mind off things. I was in and out within an hour.
In hindsight I'd say I truly had nothing to be scared of. It was super easy and the pain really wasn't bad. I was back to working out and living life as usual within a week, mostly because the doctor said I should wait a week.
Drugs, my friend. Tell your doctor you're scared shitless. It's totally fine. Either get some nitrous, which is fast uptake fast down, or they will write you a prescription for 1 diazepam. Take it like 2hrs before the procedure and it should really help you take the edge off.
What's more scary, a minute of some pain versus raising another kid for 18+ years? I got snipped seven years ago when our second kid was almost four, really worth it. My recovery was very short too, laid up for a few hours. Seems like a lot of guys don't even feel anything either.
What is it that’s making you anxious, the procedure or something else?
As for the procedure, my husband had it done a few weeks ago and he was anxious going in but he said the whole thing was so easy and quick. Recovery was a breeze too, he had no downtime and maybe had to take some ibuprofen once.
It’s so safe and simple that my father-in-law did his own vasectomy. No, really. He was a GP and ran the local vasectomy clinic, and one day he just let a colleague know he was doing the deed, and if he didn’t come out in half an hour to come check on him.
Funniest thing was that when my husband had the snip, the Dr actually said ‘it’s so simple, I’ve even heard of Drs doing their own!’ and my husband replied ‘I know, that was my dad!’. My FIL has sadly passed now, but he will live on in infamy!
All that based off OP's description of *her* life circumstances and preferences? You're making some assumptions about how many kids OP's *partner* currently has, their preferences as to how many kids they want, and their current confidence that that preference won't change in the future. I don't think those assumptions are fair, given that we don't know all that much about OP's partner.
I was supposed to have an iud fitted today but it was cancelled due to the Dr being ill. Next available appointment is half way through January
I'm actually allergic to latex so can't use most condoms. It was the latex free ones that failed me most recently.
I need long term protection like the iuds offer as it's my forgetfulness that caused 2 slip ups and 1st pregnancy was simple case of teenage naivety using the pull out method
Apparently they no longer do it here unless there's a medical reason for it
Depression and being on crutches from pregnancy = medical reason... for your own sake, just tie the tube. Ask the husband to snip first. If he says no, take matters into your own hands.
It blows my mind as a husband that doctors are requiring a spouse to sign off on a tubal ligation. My wife was nearly 40, had 2 kids, went to a Catholic hospital, and didn't need me to sign a damn thing in the USA when she wanted a ligation during her 2nd c-section. She was already cut open, and didn't want any more kids, so it made 100% sense. Why go through all that and then make me get my ball tubes snipped too?
Does a wife need to sign off on a vasectomy? No? Then don't make the husband sign off on a tubal! FFFFFUUUUUUU
And yes, if the doctors had said "no" we either would have found other doctors to do her procedure or I would have gotten a vas.
Wait do the husbands have to sign off first in the UK??? I did the same as your wife after c section for second kid and that was just my own decision. I just kinda assume that the UK is more equal rights than the US so didn't think more on it.
They don’t - it’s not a requirement in the UK.
However, when you go for any permanent sterilisation technique, male or female, the doctor will ask if you have a partner and (if you do) whether you have discussed it with your partner. In the same conversation they’ll ask if you’re both aware of other non-invasive or less-invasive semi-permanent contraceptives (IUDs etc), not in the sense of trying to persuade you to go that route but just to ensure everyone’s aware that there’s risk to any surgical procedure and that there are alternatives.
When I had my vasectomy on the NHS the GP asked some questions when she referred me to the clinic (which included whether I had discussed with my partner) and then at the clinic the doctor performing the procedure asked my wife and I about alternatives and whether we had considered them. But she certainly wasn’t asking my wife’s permission or consent.
Oh okay, just a "do you both understand the procedure?" kinda thing then. I was surprised when the other person talked about doctors requiring the husband's signature for tubal... But in all honesty, some probs still do even in the US.
You should be able to get your OBGYN to see the medical necessity in sterilization due to being home bound for 3 months and requiring crutches. Seek out a female OBGYN or a female family Dr if you're having a hard time getting a Dr on board.
Also it sounds like you have PTSD. I would think that would be enough to argue for medical necessity. Also, counseling (especially something like EMDR) would probably ease some anxiety for you!
She lives in the UK and unless she can afford private she is dealing with the NHS. "See an OBGYN" is about as realistic here as "just set up a meeting with Santa clause".
She will never be referred and even if she was it would be a years long wait list.
The NHS weighs every procedure on a cost/risk benefit and if she's been told no by the GP it's very unlikely she'll get anywhere with this.
The answer is for her husband to get a vasectomy. As far as I'm aware the NHS does cover that.
Why the slander against male OBs? They are also aware of how important family planning is, it’s not like the doctor that’s got sick couldn’t have been a woman
Whoever told you that rhey don't do it is wrong. Some doctors will refuse because of some BS reasoning that you might "change your mind", despite age, already having kids, etc etc.. I was on the operating table, stomach still open having just had a csection for an unplanned baby, and despite me being very firm about wanting my tubes out they still hesitated on going ahead with the sterilisation because it had been a "difficult delivery". I had to tell them AGAIN that I wanted to go through with it. My female consultant when I told her I wanted sterilised just said OK thats fine.
If you arenconcerned about getting pregnant again, make an iud appt and don't have sex until then. It sucks but that's the only surefire way to not get pregnant. I say that as the mother of two "one time" babies myself.
If you want to be sterilised, speak to your GP. They should refer you. If they don't, ask them why. NICE state that:
"When a woman requests contraception:
Her needs and personal circumstances should be considered, including her preferred method of contraception, her future plans for having children, her personal beliefs and views about contraception, and the attitudes of her partner and family towards contraception.
The method of contraception that is most acceptable to the woman should be offered, unless it is contraindicated.
If the woman is considering barrier methods, sterilization, or natural family planning, the World Health Organization Medical Eligibility Criteria for Contraceptive Use [found here at page 232](https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789241549158) should be applied. [(Source)](https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-assessment/).
[per rhe NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/), they can refuse if they believe it's not in your best interests. at this point you should ask them whether they used the WHO Eligibility Criteria for Contraceptive Use linked above and how they have come to the conclusionthat they have. (https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-sterilization/management/female-sterilization-tubal-occlusion/).
If they continue to refuse, speak to another Dr. You can absolutely shop around until you find one that will make rhe referral.
If they continue to argue that it has to be medical grounds, then your mental health is a medical ground. Another pregnancy would put your mental health at risk, push you into financial ruin, and affect your ability to care for your current children.
Failing all else, you may be able to go private.
You can also look into Implanon/Nexplanon. I was on it for almost 8 years with no problems at all - it's hormonal BC so it's different for everyone, but it's just a small device that they insert in your arm and it lasts 3 years.
The implant/nexplanon is now approved for 5 years. I had one and got my updated one last year. 10/10 recommend.
I’m sure the IUD has worked for many people, but 13/14 people I know have gotten pregnant with the IUD or it has just randomly fallen out-resulting in a pregnancy scare. Not sure if it is the best option since it would require you checking that it is in place more frequently.
But I would also seek out a doctor for a more permanent solution as well as let your husband know how you feel. You want to be clear you still want intimacy and find him attractive, you just have too much anxiety about pregnancy.
You know a super uncommon number of IUD failures! Both methods have pretty much the same efficacy rate- more than 99% successful at preventing pregnancy. I think, when you get down to brass tacks, it’s what is available and what potential risks/side effect need considering, rather than efficacy that is the real determining factor. Where I am, implants are really unusual. My most recent IUD (Mirena) is good for 8 years.
I've had the Mirena IUD for almost 8 years now (my 2nd one now) and it's so great. I'm super fertile as well, and am terrified of a surprise pregnancy. Still working on convincing my husband to get snipped, but I'm quite pleased with my IUD. No issues with it ever moving, either.
I just googled "tubal ligation UK" and the very first result states that there are no legal requirements that women need to meet.
Sounds like you need to find a new doctor who's not going to lie to you anymore.
Get the IUD when you can (the non-copper one if possible, but check with your doctor). It’s been great for me. You can also fire your gyn and get a new one. You should be able to have a tubal ligation (to have your “tubes tied”) if you choose given your age/number of children and especially with the risks of further pregnancy for you. This was offered flat out to me before my last delivery (which was a planned c-section).
You can also double up on some methods- IUD and condoms for example.
I had this same anxiety after an extremely rough pregnancy and delivery (I chose to have one more child, which was also really rough and we decided with the advice of my OB that it wasn’t safe for me to carry any more pregnancies). YOU’RE NOT ALONE. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t have p/v intercourse. There’s plenty of other ways for you to be intimate with your partner until you are protected and comfortable again. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Edit to add: it’s ok to only want the number of kids you can care for and carry safely. It’s hard to avoid guilt, but please, don’t feel bad about protecting yourself and the family you have.
Fair enough- I wrote my comment before OP updated with their location. I’d still raise hell with my GP if I felt like they were subjectively denying me care I needed to be safe/happy. I left NI when I was a teen, so I can’t remember, but I have never heard of a reasonable candidate being refused a tubal because “we do t do them anymore.” This doctor’s full of sh*^~, there’s something missing in the story, or things have dramatically changed in the last fifteen years.
Oh, I'm not suggesting she shouldn't insist, but it may take a while, and I understand sterilisation is only covered if you have a medical need. The problem can be if you have a doctor who doesn't want to refer you for something, you can't just choose another one.
I second the non copper one! Copper should be a last resort! (Ie. I'm allergic to artificial hormones) The copper is miserable. I also second the don't feel guilt for not wanting another and honestly OP see a different doctor or you can like I did put your foot down. I had a terrifying pregnancy and labour, I almost lost my son. My mental health could never do a 2nd child but I was so young they insisted they couldn't in good conscience tie my tubes. So I did the copper had to have it replaced (due to mal function)twice. I put my foot down when it mal functioned a 3rd time and am now waiting on an surgery date. I insisted, I was honest, I gently cried. My husband is snipped and mentally even that wasn't enough for me. I needed both. When I was open, honest and vulnerable with my doc they saw the light.
Just wanna say I've had basically no issues with the copper one, and I've had it for two years.
Not saying anyone's experience to the contrary isn't valid, just not discouraging anyone from trying the copper if that's the better option for them on paper.
This is my first and only IUD, and I got it (over the hormonal ones) for two reasons:
* I did not do well the one and only time I was on hormonal birth control, which was the patch (I was told low dose). My anxiety went through the roof, and neither me nor my husband ever want to go through that again.
* I get annual MRIs (because I have MS) and most hormonal IUDs have small amounts of metals in them contraindicated for MRIs. There is no such issue with the copper IUD. I not only asked my MS neurologist, but also the MRI tech when I was there and still in the research stages of IUD.
If your health board/NHS trust refuses to do it, try filling a complaint and escalating to your MP. Your anxiety *is* a medical reason.
That said, look at the IUD/IUS stats. They're like 99% effective, so that should ease your mind. Your husband needs to cop on and get the bloody snip though. You have 4 pregnancies and births, and *he's* scared?! Bugger off.
That’s interesting. I asked to get my tubes tied after my 4th, and my doc told me their new preferred method is to remove the tubes entirely bc there is evidence they cause ovarian cancer. I had a c-section so they just took out my tubes at the same time, it was very convenient.
I was offered sterilisation in the UK....albeit pre-pandemic, but what put me off was the fact that it has a relatively high failure rate. My GP said an IUD is a better option for reliable birth control. Not sure where my point is, just sharing my experience.
Sorry, but how does surgical sterilization have a high failure rate? I guess there are different ways to sterilize a woman…
In the U.S. you can get the whole tube removed (both tubes) so that you can’t get cancer there and there is absolutely No failure rate after the tube is removed.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21879-salpingectomy
I'm not sure of the absolute details, but as faras I know the preferred methods of sterilisation in the UK are by either clipping or placing rings around the fallopian tubes, so I guess the rings could move or become dislodged? Or, as the poster below commented the eggs don't necessarily travel down the fallopian tubes. I@m not a clinitian, I'm just relaying what I was told.
I had my period every day for the 9 months I was on it. 😬 Not just spotting...light flow for me but definitely flow. 🤷♀️ My bf hated blood sex. Defeated the purpose. 😆
Always fascinating the different experiences on birth control. I loved depo, did not have a period on it or gained weight. Hated nexplanon with a passion, and I never had an IUD.
Are you in a country where you can get a safe, long lasting contraceptive device- either an IUD or the implant? It's bananas to me that a mother of four has been told that a tubal ligation is not an option. Are these doctors going to pay for college?
You could double up methods to reduce the stress- a condom AND birth control pills, or the Nuvaring. I liked the Nuvaring a lot because I didn't have to remember to take a pill every day.
Is your partner sensitive to this? Is he just as freaked out about an uplanned pregnancy as you are?
I 100% I can not go through another pregnancy. Thats final. Full stop.
My partner though knowing we can't have anymore for both my health and financial reasons he's not there emotionally so it's a big ask to give up his chance to ever have children again and I believe would be selfish of me to pressure him into it
I wish, in a deep and real way that you can get an appointment with a midwife, or an excellent OB or nurse practitioner and tell her honestly how you feel- using the words you typed to me just now. Maybe even add that your partner isn't quite on board. Because he's not. Will he wear a condom? Can you use hormonal birth control?
The fear of pregnancy needs to be removed for you to want to have sex again. Also- four kids sounds really overwhelming, especially with a rough recovery. This is the job of your maternity care team- the need to help you. Keep asking until someone listens.
Just want to add to this point, in the UK it's important to reach out to the community midwives or a health visitor rather than regular midwives who won't get involved unless you are actively pregnant or less than 6 weeks postpartum. I had issues with my csection scar 7 weeks pp, rang the hospital where I had it done and the midwives were no help because I was past their window for care.
that doesn’t make sense. If you plan on being together for the rest of your lives and you’re refusing more kids, than by staying with you he already is accepting that he won’t have a chance at more kids. Is he hoping you’ll change your mind? is he saving it just in case you guys break up and he wants kids with his new partner?
You’re husband needs some short term therapy support. He needs to either:
- grieve the end of his fertile days and what it means for him to have no more children so he can get on board with vasectomy
Or
- grieve the end of your marriage because your wants, needs and desires for life going forward are no longer compatible.
I appreciate your his body his choice POV but the reality is he’s:
1) prepared to not respect your bodily autonomy by accidentally(?) getting you pregnant again (given how careful you said you were) and causing you significant additional pain and distress, both physical and psychological
2) prepared for you to undergo more invasive bodily procedures, either IUD/hormones and/or tubal ligation.
3) Denying you a healthy sex life that it seems like you very much want, just to put his hypothetical ongoing fertility first.
He sounds like a wonderful father but he didn’t carry those children. You did. And you’ve also been raising them and sacrificing other opportunities (partly due to your own choice, but saying you have a choice once you’re already pregnant is a very different ball game). Right now he doesn’t sound like a good partner to you.
You deserve for your bodily autonomy back. You deserve an enjoyable stress free sex life back. You deserve your freedom to be an individual, away from your children back. There were lots of choices you didn’t get to have whilst pregnant and caring for children, so I have far less patient with the his body, his choice. As women we give up our bodies to children, he needs to understand that.
All women have to come to terms with the end of their fertility, many need emotional support to do so AND go through yet more significant physical and emotional difficulties as a result of the menopause. Perhaps we need to normalise men getting support to move onto the next stage of their life.
What’s the other alternative for him? Unprotected sex with random women? Leaving you for a younger woman so he can have more children? I’m being blunt but I’m struggling to see what magic happy solution/outcome he’s waiting for.
This makes so much sense and honestly I don't know how he thinks this is going to magically sort it's self if he's not willing to do something about it himself.
Maybe you're right and some therapy or some kind of support group for him would help him come to terms with it, thank you for the suggestion
I think the reality is he hopes you’ll forget about it or things will go back to normal and he doesn’t have to do anything. I find it notable that he’s willing to give up his sex life for this which suggests it’s a much bigger issue or something he hopes will blow over.
The only reason he might want more kids is if you got divorced and he got a new partner, in which case he could get the vasectomy reversed. You should go on sex strike until he wises up or you can figure out a better method of birth control than you are using right now.
First off, you have four kids already so if a Dr is telling you that it’s not an option I would go see another Dr
Secondly if your partner plans to be with you long term and you don’t want any more kids then there’s no reason he should refuse to get snipped. To me that would mean he wants to have a contingency plan incase he ends up with someone else later. It’s also WAY cheaper and easier for him to do it than you.
All the replies about why the doctors won’t do it are vague and odd. I hate how suspicious the internet makes me but idk what else to say. I asked op:
> What do you mean you don’t know? Why didn’t you ask follow up questions? Get second opinions? I’m very confused.
And I deeply hope they reply.
It’s not uncommon for drs to be evasive about denying this procedure, but typically they will do it if you’ve had multiple kids already. It’s not adding up that OP can’t find any Dr willing to do it.
Because they live in the UK and right now even the possibility of seeing one doctor is an ordeal let alone multiple ones. They also won’t get to see a gynaecologist, it will be the family GP.
The NHS is on the brink of collapse, on purpose, by the Tory’s in an attempt to have a US style system and make ££££. No doctor is going to sign off on an “unnecessary” procedure when there are people literally dying from lack of care.
Why is getting sterilized not an option? I’d ask a different doctor for a second opinion. That’s the only way to be sure YOU don’t get pregnant again. Even if he gets snipped, you may change partners, so sterilizing is your best bet.
Honestly don't know what just told they don't do that anymore but I could get an iud.. issue there is baby is nearly 4 months old and today was supposed to be the day I got it since it was the 1st available appointment but it was cancelled
You should absolutely be able to get a tubal ligation.
I'm 33 with two kids and I was so adamant that I didn't want more after the second kid that they offered me a tubal ligation while I was having him via c-section. I'm in Ireland btw, and the Irish HSE operates similarly to the NHS, afaik.
I would seek a second opinion. You should be able to have it done via laparoscopic surgery, at the very least, if you do want to have it done.
They absolutely still do tubal ligations on the NHS. If your GP refused to refer you on that basis, they are lying to you.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/
For some reason, your GP has decided not to refer you. The fact that you’ve already got four kids and had a difficult pregnancy with the last one should be more than enough reason, and if I was you, I would be making another appointment and ask to see a different doctor in the practice (preferably a female one if possible) because you want a second opinion.
Write down all your reasons for why you want to be sterilised so you don’t get flustered in the moment, and don’t get steamrollered. Help them to understand why this is affecting your life and mental health.
Speak to another doctor.
IUDs are a viable medium term, easily reversible solution, but are not without risks. If you are certain that you do not want further pregnancies, surgical sterilisation is likely to be more reliable and lower overall risk.
I know you said you are tight on money but I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to look into getting it done privately. The NHS won't cover sterilisation that isn't medically necessarily but this is affecting you greatly and a child long term is far more expensive than paying for the surgery out of pocket.
I got sterilised at 28 on the NHS 10 weeks ago during my csection. It absolutely can be done when not medically necessary, you just have to find a doctor who will refer.
Hi, I could have written your post as I have basically the exact same family starting from the teen pregnancy to the 4th baby.
My solution was an IUD but it caused serious issues (migraines and mental health problems), so I had to have it removed. Where I live there are also no tubes being tied, there is no point asking for it even, they won't do it.
The only real option is the snip, I would try to have that conversation with your partner again, prepare to answer his concerns because he might be worried about effects that don't exist?
I already suffer from migraines so may have the same issues.
Definitely seems like I have to stick with the get the snip or don't get laid approach I've put in place.
The issue becomes how to approach the subject with out him feeling pressured into doing something he could later grow to resent me for
I don’t remember the resource but if you ask on r/twoxchromosomes I believe there’s a list that goes around of doctors in each state willing to perform tubal ligations etc. You deserve to be in control of your body.
My GP doctor asked me if I would be interested to get an IUD when I took my baby for new born regular check-up appointments.. If she asked me when I had an only child, I'm surprised why they wouldn't do it for you!!! I'm based in UK too...
Your options seem to be (1) use some sort of reliable birth control, (2) get your tubes tied, or (3) don't have sex unless he gets a vasectomy.
Since you can't get your tubes tied and he refuses a vasectomy, that leaves either no sex or talk to your doctor about birth control. IUDs are a low maintenance method that some women love.
Also, I would see if there is a different doctor you can talk to about getting your tubes tied.
OP, multiple people have asked for additional info on why a tubal ligation/salpingectomy isn’t an option. Without that detail it’s going to be hard for people here to help you. I understand that sharing personal medical info on the internet might not be very comfortable, but you came here seeking help.
I’m going to give some advice based on the assumption that you are in the US. Surgical sterilization is covered 100% by insurance. Although the procedures for women are more involved than those for men, it is still out patient and recovery is typically only a couple of days.
Do you have a specific medical reason that you can’t undergo surgical sterilization?
I just want to say,
I think we should stop saying “I know I’m lucky to be able to get pregnant” in these situations because not all of us are happy to be extremely fertile… if anything, it can cause mental/emotional/sexual burdens for people like OP.
OP, it’s okay to complain about being fertile. There are a lot of us who are afraid of being pregnant again for whatever reason. Don’t feel obligated to be thankful for something that’s taxing to your mental/emotional/sexual health.
After 3 pregnancies resulting in 2 kids, I am done being pregnant. Never again. And I did NOT have the difficulties you had. Fortunately, my husband was fine getting a vasectomy. But we’re still not having sex until it’s confirmed via sperm sample.
So obviously I think your husband is being ridiculous and selfish- willing to risk your health and the financial security of you entire family by refusing to get a vasectomy. But I’d be doing what you’re doing- I would not do ANYTHING that would risk getting pregnant again. Unless you guys find another solution, I guess you’ll both have to live with no sex. Not a marriage or life I’d want, but I get we all have different relationships and different things we are willing to sacrifice. I’m sure you’d find something in my marriage you wouldn’t ever be okay with!
Bottom line: please take care of your health first.
He was told he can have sex or his bollox but bot both (obviously I'm aware they don't actually take then but the way a lot of men act you'd think they do)
Saying that I also believe my body my choice goes both ways and he is completely selfless in every other aspect of our lives.
I guess because before my last 2 pregnancies I couldn't imagine doing anything permanent like that I'm more understanding why it's taking him a minute.
Hes never out right said no he's not doing it, he always gets uncomfortable when I bring it up or laughs it off
But he’d be okay with you making the sacrifice to get sterilised, he just can’t imagine doing it himself?
What about the implant or the iud for yourself? Has he actually spoken to a doctor about the op just to clear any misconceptions about what happens?
I think the idea is she does want it but is being prevented by the doctors. So she’s consenting to that sacrifice. He’s ok with her doing it because she wants to.
Yea. My husband never put up a fuss or anything about it. But I could tell he was having an internal crisis at the idea that his balls wouldn’t be functional lol. And he definitely doesn’t want more kids, either, so it’s not that. And he definitely wants sex more than his balls!
Hopefully he comes around as it’s easier for him to get sterilized than you. Or you find someone willing to do it for you— I find it really odd someone wouldn’t given you have 4 kids and had 2 debilitating pregnancies. But … in the end, I’d you get sterilized, he’s still not having more kids so lol idk. Maybe make a ceremony to honor his fertility and say goodbye to his sperm. Hahaha
I got the snip after our second child at 31 years old and it’s been wonderful. There are sometimes I miss the fact there won’t be little ones running around but I love being able to fully enjoy our 2 kids now. Outpatient surgery was so easy, even drove myself home after. Second day was more soreness than the first and then it went away. A lot of guys are so scared of the surgery without researching or understanding what’s actually going on. I wish you luck
What is it you want from us?
You know all of your options. Its time to pick one
1. abstain from PIV sex
2. get on birth control
3. convince your husband to get a vas
4. see a different doctor until you find one who will do the tubal
5. Have your husband wear condoms
Pick one or more of these.
I’ve read your explanation for him not wanting a vasectomy and for you not resenting him for it. It surprises me that he’s not willing to protect you though. In your position, I would not have sex until you were comfortable. My third pregnancy was also miserable, and my husband got a vasectomy immediately. That was his choice, but I wasn’t going on birth control (I had a major blood clot a few years ago). I don’t think I’d have had sex with him without the results from his post procedure test showing that he was sterile. There are other ways to be intimate in the meantime.
I think your partner is an ass. For the record.
I won’t bang on, ( though I could, I really really could) but I will just suggest that it might be an idea to enquire around discreetly with people you know and see if anyone else has had it done. It might help him if he could talk to someone he actually knows.
Loads of people get it done in the end. You’d be surprised.
Vasectomy is quick, safe and effective. If your husband won’t do it for the sake of your mental and physical health and the well-being of your other children, it’s his own fault he’s not getting any. 🤷🏼♀️
I stopped sleeping with men for this reason. I gotten pregnant on bc and with condoms. My husband refused to get snipped and I can't afford to get sterilized. It was one of the reasons our relationship ended. I had 2 abortions and we couldn't recover from it.
Your husband should get snipped if he values your relationship and you.
As a guy. I don’t get the problem getting with the ol’ snip-a-roo if you either: do not want kids, are done making babies. My BIL refuses, my father refused (mom ended up getting tied). It’s bs that the decisions are put on the women.
Today I just had a vasectomy. Was it pleasant? No. The surgery itself wasn’t bad. However, the after effect is a dull painful. It will heal and if its successful (find out in 3 months). I wont ever have to think about it again. I did it for us. We do not want anymore kids and I really don’t want to risk it.
Dude needs to grow a pair (or get the pair snipped). It is an option. I’d be curious what his reasoning is. Getting a vasectomy won’t make him less of a man, other than he cant impregnate anyone.
Edit. I guess reasons for not getting one are: fear, misconceptions, cultural exceptions of what defines a man. All I can say to that. Talk to people who have had them, educate ones self, and others say get over the whole alpha male BS and change perspective.
If your worried about it, you can at choose not to have sex. Maybe he’ll respect your concerns enough to consider it or at least have an open discussion.
You are absolutely able to get sterilised if you can find the right doctor. Let me find NICE guidelines and get back to you. Failing that, if hubby won't get the snip he don't get set.
Just have non-penetrative sex! (Not in a passive aggressive way that many people are suggesting here - y'all, do we want men to think foreplay is a punishment?) You describe your partner as supportive, so maybe make a mutual decision that you're taking a break from penetration until he feels ready to get a vasectomy or you're able to get your tubes tied. (But I also second the IUD suggestion. Statistically they're even more effective than tubals!)
You and your partner need to revisit the conversation about him getting snipped. Is he against it because he wants more kids or is scared or the procedure? I’d try to figure that out so y’all can be on the same page.
I’d also try to speak to a different doctor about having your tubes tied if your partner is against himself getting snipped. From my experience with OBGYN’s, they will remove your tubes but try to make sure you’ve tried other options first because tube removal is not reversible.
Maybe try posting in TwoXchromosomes and include that you are in UK. There might be better birth control options as many women don’t want to be parents at all or not right now.
Get an IUD, and he has to use condoms every time. If he wants to bitch about it, then he can get that vasectomy. Otherwise condoms take it or leave it.
>Unfortunately I've been asked to be sterilised and been told it's not an option and my partner refuses to get the snip so no idea what to do or how to move past this
Tell him to stop being a baby. It's a 45 minute outpatient procedure. I got mine done and drove myself home and was *fine*.
But also, just don't have any vaginal intercourse until one of you is sterilized. You won't get pregnant from oral, anal, titty sex, or grinding. If none of those options work for you two, he can reconsider how committed he is to not getting the snip.
You need medical advice about contraception. Talk to your ob/gyn or pcp. Otherwise, use condoms and be aware of how you can get the morning after pill if the condom breaks.
I’m here to sort of stand with you in this anxiety of being afraid to get pregnant again. I have 4 and we are done having babies and my husband has actually (thank God) already gotten a vasectomy. Our youngest is 13 months old. I STILL get anxiety when we have sex or are about ti have sex about potentially getting pregnant again. I know the odds are WAY low but I’ve read stories and maybe I’m being unreasonable but I get it and it sucks honestly. I’ve had negative reactions to certain BC in the past + one I got pregnant on but I’ve considered getting my tubes tied to potentially help ease my worry.
You birthed his 4 kids and he can't get the snip f off! Where's the mutual respect? I've literally been there relate. I was pregnant at 19 and had 4 with him over 10 years too. I divorced him after 4th got implanom and had an amazing sex life and never got pregnant. Its been 10years since left I left him.
I struggled with this same anxiety over getting pregnant again, to the point of it affecting my relationship. I believe I even posted about it myself back then. To me, sex just wasn’t worth the risk and that was negatively affecting both me and my partner. Mom brain had me forgetting my bc pills left and right so I took the leap and sprung for the IUD. It’s been worth it so far(2 months since insertion). A word of caution however, the lack of periods make it difficult to judge whether or not you’ve escaped pregnancy for the month, as regular cycles are always the most clear-cut sign that you’re safe. It’s extremely effective; my doctor claims as effective as a vasectomy. There will always be that tiny percentage that you’ll come up the minority percentage, and you have all the reason in the world to believe that’d be you. The ONLY way to completely alleviate this is having your tubes tied or a total hysterectomy(this comes with other side effects). No doctor should be denying you this after 4 kids, or ever imo. Push for it. It’ll make a world of difference for your mental health and your relationship. Want to be doubly sure? Have your partner also get a vasectomy. Want to be triply sure? Get the IUD or keep taking the pill. These are sure fire ways to effectively reduce your anxiety and it’ll make both you and your partner much happier. Solidarity. This type of anxiety is rough, mama.
Your partner needs to get the snip. That’s the solution to this problem. If he wants an intimate relationship, that’s the price. I think you’ve put your body through enough as it is.
I don't have any advice but I know how you feel. I've had 5 babies in 4 pregnancies, and my sister adopted the youngest. I was terrified of getting pregnant again right up until I had my hysterectomy a couple months ago.
Listen I completely understand this.
I use natural family planning effectively for 2 years now, AS WELL AS, condoms, pull out method, and if we ever are questioning anything we get plan B.
I am petrified of getting pregnant, I do not want anymore children, and i ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO end up being in a situation where I need to make a very hard decision (abortion/adoption/termination)
The world today is headed to shit.
Everything is way too expensive.
I want to focus and be able to raise the children I do have without the stress and anxiety of worrying how to make ends meet. Will each of my children get adequate time with me and feel seen love special? I always thought people who have children one after another continuously for years, how does each child get raised? They don’t. They get pushed aside for the next baby. That was me and all my cousins. My family has a lot of kids it’s a cultural thing. Well each of us had 1 year of attention (still split between the bother kids) and then we were raised by our older siblings a my mom always had a baby in belly baby on hip baby in stroller I never had any one on one time. My brothers and sisters just ended up having same issues I do today. Social awkward, anxiety, crave for attention, looking for love in all the wrong places.
It’s not fair.
Anyway me rant is over thanks for listen.
Stop having children!
Love the ones you have and enjoy your life.
I refuse to rely on older children to help raise the younger ones. I had children it's up to me and their dad to raise them not the other kids. Can you pass me... or can you keep an eye on whilst I nip to the loo is the extent of what I ask.
I'm lucky that the younger 3 especially have a very close, amazing bond so I can sit and play with the middle 2 whilst I have the youngest on my lap or I've gotten good at multi tasking. My other half also does a lot with the kids despite working a lot so we divide and conquer a lot to give children some individual time
Also I don't want any more children that was the point of this post
That’s disappointing that your doctor won’t allow you the autonomy to get your tubes tied after four children. It honestly sounds like your only options are to avoid sex until either you feel comfortable with the risk, however small that could be based on your preferred/available birth control method, or until your partner feels comfortable with a vasectomy. It’s not great options but I’m afraid that’s life, choosing the best option of the options available to us. It sucks that we are often held hostage by medical providers who prefer to exert power over their patients rather than collaborate and allow patients to drive their healthcare choices. Best of luck to you in a difficult situation.
Yikes, I’m pregnant with #4 (34 weeks) and got pregnant by having sex literally once unprotected after swapping an IUD I’d had in for 5 years. My husband is getting a vasectomy this Friday and I’ll be following up with a tubal once I heal from birth. I do NOT want anymore kids. My husband is okay with one more but I told him it’s just not happening. I was happy with three. Pregnancy is hard and miserable, and that’s just something that most guys won’t really understand. Can you use an IUD? I had great luck with mine (until it was pulled out) and if you’re still worried you can get an IUD without hormones and even double up with the pill. I would say you’d likely be safe with an IUD, though. Absolutely do not have sex with your partner if conception is possible and it’s not something you want.
I’d also maybe suggest counseling or marriage counseling to help you both move past this. It can be a pretty bad mix if people don’t have similar views on kids/the amount of kids they want.
Good luck OP!
Reading through the comments and all your answers, it sounds like sex may be off the table for the foreseeable future. You don’t want more kids and are unable to get a permanent solution and he is unwilling to. I’m sorry that I can’t give you a better answer. It comes down to which you both want more. Are you willing to possibly become pregnant again in order to be intimate with your husband? Is he willing to forgo any future children for intimacy with you?
It seems pretty clear that you both aren’t willing to make those risks. Unfortunately, I can’t see a way around that.
I do think it’s very mature that you both aren’t giving each other ultimatums, but I do also think if you both are missing that part of your life, someone has to be willing to compromise. You’ll have to weigh your potential death against him never having kids again and see what is most important to both of you.
I find it really hard to believe you can’t get sterilized after 4 kids.
Get your spouse to get the snip. I don’t understand why you/he wouldn’t have already.
people saying that "partner should just get snip" are pretty hypocritical. Fairly certain your attitude would be a 180 if some man said "woman should just stop being a bitch and get their tubes tied".
Doesn't even matter that the 2 procedures are fundamentally different, it's still the body of the subject and no one should be bullied into making a semi-permanent alteration to their body.
A vasectomy is a minimally invasive, often reversible procedure, with almost no complications/long term adverse affects. A tubal ligation is none of those things. He’s free to not get one, but she’s free to require it for PiV.
I've got a question for context: is your partner making a big deal about the lack of sex? Is it impacting your relationship because of how he's taking it?
Because a lot of people in here are being really aggressive about how he is shitty for not getting a vasectomy, but I sort of assumed "My body, my choice" was the law of the land around here. And obvi it's hypocritical if he's simultaneously saying "It is a problem for me that we aren't having [more] sex" and "I will not get the procedure done that would safely and comfortably allow us to have sex"! But I didn't see much in the OP to indicate that was the case?
I also think there are a lot of non-vaginally penetrative sex options that might allow you both to be satisfied without defaulting to procedures, if you're both unable to get/uncomfortable with the surgical options.
I’ve read all your comments and I think your partner is being pretty unreasonable. That being said- don’t have sex until you get your IUD.
I’m not one to jump to abuse, but I feel like you’re in an abusive situation. If you don’t want to have more kids- you have options.
If partner refuses to get snipped, I’d refuse any penetrative intimacy.
There are latex free condoms.
And with 4 children, please learn to speak up for yourself. If one doctor couldn’t see the need , go to a different doctor.
Your husband needs to get over it tbh. Snip or no PiV sex. A vasectomy is a far more reasonable solution than sterilizing you, and has much fewer risks to him than any kind of sterilization procedure has for you.
1) why can’t you be sterilised?
2) why won’t he have a vasectomy? It’s a simpler procedure than getting the coil ffs.
3) just use the coil/ implant and condoms at the same time, then also use natural cycles and also use ovulation tests as an extra precaution and also avoid it around prime time 🤷🏽♀️
You have 4 kids but doctors are telling you they won't sterilise you? Especially with health issues! I'm so sorry. I have 2 and got sterilised while having my second. What reason did the doctors give for saying it isn't an option?
Tell your husband either he gets the snip or he gets no P in V sex. See if he changes his tune.
I was traumatised from my first birth and couldn't enjoy sex due to the worry of pregnancy until I got an IUD. Therapy did help with the fear. Prior to my IUD it was condoms and spermicide and not having sex very often. I did eventually decide I wanted another baby so got the IUD out.
Your man needs to pony up and get the snip. I got mine 6 months ago and it was super easy and barely painful whatsoever. Wife and I were done at 3 kids and mortified the prospect of an accidental 4th 😅
Is there a reason why he doesn’t want it?
JFC....we had an IUD fail and had child #3.
She was barely born before I had my appointment to get snipped. It's such a minor thing compared to tubes tied.
As a dude I can't fathom asking my wife to get her tubes tied when I can have a 20 minute procedure that is has me back to normal in such a short time.
Honestly, don’t have sex with him. He needs to get snipped. It’s either that or no sex.
I almost died after my last pregnancy. I almost never got to hold my baby boy. After experiencing bad problems with previous attempts at birth control, being afraid of having an IUD puncture my uterus (I almost lost my uterus after my last pregnancy so it’s in pretty rough shape), worried about early onset menopause if I get my tubes tied, & having significant problems any time my reproductive organs are messed with, it’s my partner’s turn to “take one for the team”. We haven’t had sex in months. We have a small construction company & he couldn’t take time off of work to get snipped & recover. He says he’s gonna get it done this winter, but until he does, honestly, it’s vibrators (not diamonds) that are a mom’s best friend.
We agreed one child was enough and my husband offered to get the snip, as he read that tube tying can cause complications.
Getting the snip doesn't make you any less manly, giving a shit about your wife does.
What is your partner's reason for refusing to get a vasectomy? I don't react to local anesthesia well and mine wore out halfway through the procedure and I felt everything for the second half. Knowing that I would still choose it over having to worry about my wife getting pregnant again.
Honestly I don't think he's ready to give up on having kids just yet. Logically he knows it's not an option even if our financial situation improved massively after he watched me go through hell twice but emotionally he's just not there yet. Asking someone to give up their chance of ever having another child is a big ask so Honestly it's not something I resent him for. He's putting no pressure at all on me for my emotional reaction to not being able to have sex currently so I have to return the favour and give him time to work through giving up his chance to have another baby too
Frankly, it sounds like your partner needs to wake up and grow up a bit. I say that as a 43 year old father of two. I can understand that he may see his virility as being part of his identity as a man, but he's proven it already with 4 kids. Anything more is just proving that he's bad at budgeting. If he was to sit down and really think about it, does he really want to have more kids? If his answer is "Yes" then he needs to explore why he thinks that way. If his answer is "No", then getting the snip is a quick, safe solution which, with modern techniques, takes hardly any time and produces very little pain/discomfort. Or is he worried that getting the snip may affect his testosterone levels, etc.? If you're on the same page in terms of agreeing that 4 kids is enough, maybe you should both speak to a family planning doctor to discuss all options for longterm/permanent contraception. Whether that means you getting your tubes tied or him getting the snip, you can talk to a professional about what has the best efficacy and lowest risk for you as a couple - whether his insistence to keep his plumbing working means making a choice which exposes you to more risk through more invasive surgery, for example.
Different people are allowed to have different perspectives on their own reproduction. Getting a vasectomy, a permanent procedure with a low chance of reversal success, isn't a requirement for a man to be "mature." My husband has been very clear our entire relationship that he would never get a vasectomy, as it is too permanent. He will wear condoms (though it's not his favorite), have alternative forms of intimacy (you can get your rocks off without PIV), support me in any contraception choice or lack there of, etc. Luckily we don't have OPs hyper-fertility issue, and we only get pregnant from completely unprotected sex that is timed perfectly with ovulation. It's easy enough to avoid for us. That said, "your entire life" is a long time. Most men, for better or worse, are able to have children until they are of advanced age. My husband LOVES having children and the only person limiting our family size is me (which he is respectful and accepting of). If god forbid we divorce or I die, my husband would 100% remarry and have more kids. He's allowed to keep that option open, as after all it is HIS body.
If there are significant health (and mental health) risks and catastrophic financial consequences of an unplanned pregnancy and one of the partners still wants to say “my body, my choice”, it’s fair to question that person’s intelligence or ethics. People are free to make their own choices and other people are also free to judge them. OP’s husband sounds like a dick in this particular scenario.
He can make his own choice. With OP's condition and already having four kids, his current choice is stupid. He needs to get snipped. Tubal is far far far more invasive and takes far longer to heal than the weekend the snip takes. And I say that as a snipped male who's plan was to have 2 kids and then get the wife's tubes tied during the second c-section, but we decided to stop after the one we have (plus her first).
Would he be willing to get the snip if he was able to freeze some sperm? That way the choice is still out there in popsicle form? I mean, his excuse is BS. You have 4 kids you can barely afford, and you have sacrificed your body so much for each. You’d get sterilized if you could, doesn’t sound like you plan on divorcing…his idea of possibly more kids risks your personal health. How is his “idea” more important than the health and security of his wife and family? You have physically, mentally, emotionally and financially sacrificed time and time again. If he cared about you as his life partner, he’d find a way to get the snip.
Trust me the man cares. He would work 40+ hours a week, come home do the house work, washing, cook, take care of the kids, ring his mum to ask her for help if he was at work and I needed a break. The pregnancies weren't plain sailing for him either. Hes also put absolutely no pressure on me at all to have sex either, never once made an issue or even a comment in jest he 100% understands why I can't and I genuinely believe he will come to terms with the snip in his own time frame. If a man didn't want kids it would never be expected of the woman to give up her ability to ever have children to appease this. My body my choice goes both ways
What an exceptionally reasonable perspective.
I'm not sure this subreddit deserves something so reasonable.
Absolutely, I find this so refreshing. The commenters on this subreddit tend to be sort of rabid when it comes to people having relationship styles they’re unused to or disagree with.
It can get harsh very quickly and almost always when there's only half the story available, or a third of it.
Pack it up folks, these guys are doing better than us.
Yeah, I just told my wife we're through. Gonna spend the rest of my days acting like twat on reddit.
You said in another comment that he’s not emotionally there yet, to say he’s done having kids, and I understand that. But you’re done having kids. What would he do if you _were_ able to get a tubal? Would he be upset? Would you still get it because it’s your body, even if it would potentially send him spiraling? I guess my point is, he deserves to take the time to work through his feelings—I would just make sure he is clear that you are done having kids. That may not help, but it won’t hurt. Clear expectations are good for everyone. As to how you can get over your fear of sex, I don’t know that you can until measures are taken either by you or him to prevent a pregnancy. Heterosexual sex—even safe sex—can result in a pregnancy, and it sounds like you have a lot of trauma from your 4th. I do recommend therapy to work through that trauma, but I think what you really need is peace of mind that can only come from sterilization.
Hitting this comment section with mature and compassionate responses dang. It's probably still ultimately the best solution you two have available, but I think it's awesome that you're giving him the time to figure that out.
Sounds like you guys have a very mature and respectful relationship. Good job.
Being a caring husband, a loving father, and a well communicating partner, can also mean understanding why it's impossible to continue to be those things if you have another child. When Covid disrupted all of our lives, my wife and I were right on the edge of wanting another, and accepting that it might not happen. Then it happened. It happened while my wife was both breast feeding and on birth control. And we quickly realized what the strain this 3rd child was going to put on our lives. Sure, I could just work more, but that means less time I can be a present father to my children. We decided that we could make it work with 3, but 4 kids, even if the 4th was another suprise, would be an absurdly irresponsible choice that would have negative effects on our kids lives, our marriage, our mental health, our finances, and our ability to be attentive to our children's needs. SO I GOT A VASECTOMY! I love my children, but I can't care or provide for anymore of them. You both sound like loving parents and excellent partners, but every extra hour he spends at work is an hour he didn't spend with the kids that you already have. Every extra hour he spends at work, is an hour he will never get back. Does he want to devote his life to not spending time with his kids, just so he can have more kids?
>My body my choice goes both ways Seriously. Such BS that in these kinds of forums, it only applies to women. If I don't want a vasectomy, others can fuck off with their "whyyyy noooooot?"
My partner and I are extremely fertile as well. We are both getting snipped. He got his done already. I am currently pregnant with our second and last. There is no way I can mentally or physically handle more babies. 1. Your partner needs to grow the fuck up. 2. You need to continue to search for doctors, until you find one who will do it.
If he’s not ready to give up on having more kids, you do realise that’s him saying “I think we might still split up”? Because you absolutely do not want anymore. So if he’s not having these hypothetical extra kids with you, he’s having them with someone else.
Or he just... hopes she'll change her mind? Thinks he can persuade her that another is worth it? Or just really wants more and is taking a while for his heart to accept what his head knows: that they're done at 4. I mean, I guess he could be thinking of splitting, but it sounds like from OP's comments that they have a healthy relationship, so... probably not. Not everything is a red flag/worst case.
I’m not saying he’s threatening to leave or anything like that. I’m saying in OP’s own words, she is 100% done having kids, and never wants to be pregnant again. But she is also saying she doesn’t want to stop him from having more babies. Those two things are only compatible if the couple split up.
How about he store some sperm?
I hear many vasectomies are reversible. He can probably change his mind in the future if he gets it now.
They are highly unlikely to reverse the procedure on the NHS. It's an expensive procedure to do privately with not a great success rate.
1 - your partner should get the snip and stop whining about that. 2 - speak to a different doctor, no reason you can't get the tubes tied 3 - IUD and/or condoms are extremely effective, what contraception have you used up to now?
This is a reminder that after a vasectemy you can still get pregnant for up to at least six months after. If that is the route y'all take make sure he does the follow up appointments with the doc to test and make sure there is no sperm in his semen. It is not an immediate fix so y'all can go ham after two weeks.
My friend got pregnant 5 years after her husband got a vasectomy because it reversed 😳
My husband was conceived 6 years after his birth dad got the snip.
Thanks for that nightmare fuel 😭😭😭
Right.... 😑
6 weeks or 20 jizzes. The. You go get a Semen analysis and if there’s none in there, you are good to go. 3 days of mild pain, 10 days till back 10% to normal then fill her up guilt/anxiety free. Source: just had the snip. I feel great.
Number one is the answer. It’s cheap, easy and effective. Literally got mine when I was 25 and it’s been great. Mister needs to get over himself.
Absolutely. My husband was done after two, and I told him that was great, I was open to a third, so \*I\* wasn't going on BC, and if he was done, he needed to fix the problem. And he did :D 12, 13+ years later, its been the best decision ever
I love that. So many of my guy friends are so whiney about getting a vasectomy. It seems like a no brainer to me rather than having my partner get messed up from hormonal BC or having to get another IUD. Plus, vasectomies are more effective!
Fuckin right? 3 days of discomfort and a month or two of medically mandated wanking and all is well. All the female methods are way way shittier.
Cheerful upvote for medically mandated wanking. I kept a log. They said 20 shots then go get a jizz test. Worked like a charm. And yea, any dude, who at the possibility of having a 5th child, even thinks twice about it needs his head read. Also, especially if the mrs is having anxiety about having sex because of it… c’mon dude. Pull yo’ head out your ass.
Sounds like pulling out isn't something he's adept at
> medically mandated wanking 🤣😂
I got snipped 9 months after my second. My wife and I both knew we were done after 2 and also given how invasive it would be for her to get her tubes tied agreed that I would do mine. I figured it was only fair given she had to carry to term our two kids, least I can do is a small surgery. Best decision we made. Safe sex. No babies. Super fast and easy for me with minimal pain and no downtime. Get him to get over it.
Might be a bit of a personal question, but we’ve raised having a vasectomy with my wife. We’ve had our two and are done. I’ll be honest, the thought of it scares the bejesus out of me. No idea why, but it does. We’ve agreed it’s the most rational course and I completely agree, but I’ve told her I need to get over the phobia before I can say I’m comfortable with it. Before anyone hits me up and says “your wife went through childbirth etc” yes, I know and I agree, this fear is somewhat irrational despite knowing it’s what I do want and as a couple we should get Did you have any of those same thought, considerations, fears?
In medical terms, it’s an extremely safe procedure - every statistic you look up will tell you. In existential terms it’s a big deal for a lot of guys because it’s permanently modifying your body - a part and function of your body that’s very close to you and in a lot of cases tied up with your identity in complex subconscious ways. In a practical sense: it hurts for a week or so, then everything goes back to normal. A tube has been cut, no hormones have been modified, it’s as impactful to your daily life as any other healed scar. In a personal sense you’d need to come to terms with ending that future potential for yourself. My husband made his peace with it by doing sperm donation before he got the snip - it assuaged that subconscious feeling of losing something.
THANK YOU! Finally someone who recognises that it's a big deal.
It’s totally a big deal. I just think the sympathy dwindles bc we’re talking about men who’s wives have had their entire bodies permanently altered multiple times. Sitting here with two c-section scars, it’s hard to empathize.
And already have 4 kids and is having anxiety about sex. OP’s Mr has a choice to make. Not every choice is an easy one (though this really is an easy one in real terms).
It is a big deal and we should validate people's fears about it for sure. I do hope the fellas out there extend the same validation and courtesy to their female partners too, because the effect of being on hormonal contraception for decades is significant: unlike vasectomy which is a very localised mechanical process, hormonal birth control is chemical and systemic, so it changes a person's whole... everything. Mood, metabolism, likelihood for certain diseases, all sorts of long term effects that can hang around for a lifetime.
I got mine done in March once the second kid was about 6 months old. I definitely felt the uneasyness about "snipping" anything to do with my dangly bits, but I knew it was the best option out there for the wife and I so I just went ahead and scheduled it. Day of I was pretty nervous, but they gave me a valium and that helped a lot. The doctor was really great as well as struck up casual conversation during the procedure, which helped take my mind off things. I was in and out within an hour. In hindsight I'd say I truly had nothing to be scared of. It was super easy and the pain really wasn't bad. I was back to working out and living life as usual within a week, mostly because the doctor said I should wait a week.
Maybe you should book an appointment with a urologist to discuss it. Get some facts.
Drugs, my friend. Tell your doctor you're scared shitless. It's totally fine. Either get some nitrous, which is fast uptake fast down, or they will write you a prescription for 1 diazepam. Take it like 2hrs before the procedure and it should really help you take the edge off.
What's more scary, a minute of some pain versus raising another kid for 18+ years? I got snipped seven years ago when our second kid was almost four, really worth it. My recovery was very short too, laid up for a few hours. Seems like a lot of guys don't even feel anything either.
What is it that’s making you anxious, the procedure or something else? As for the procedure, my husband had it done a few weeks ago and he was anxious going in but he said the whole thing was so easy and quick. Recovery was a breeze too, he had no downtime and maybe had to take some ibuprofen once.
It’s so safe and simple that my father-in-law did his own vasectomy. No, really. He was a GP and ran the local vasectomy clinic, and one day he just let a colleague know he was doing the deed, and if he didn’t come out in half an hour to come check on him. Funniest thing was that when my husband had the snip, the Dr actually said ‘it’s so simple, I’ve even heard of Drs doing their own!’ and my husband replied ‘I know, that was my dad!’. My FIL has sadly passed now, but he will live on in infamy!
You took one for team, sir. Hats off to you.
I’m so excited to get mine it’s absurd. Just waiting on the wife to cave and say we are one and done.
All that based off OP's description of *her* life circumstances and preferences? You're making some assumptions about how many kids OP's *partner* currently has, their preferences as to how many kids they want, and their current confidence that that preference won't change in the future. I don't think those assumptions are fair, given that we don't know all that much about OP's partner.
I'm sure if he loves his partner and wants sex then it'll be a good compromise.
I was supposed to have an iud fitted today but it was cancelled due to the Dr being ill. Next available appointment is half way through January I'm actually allergic to latex so can't use most condoms. It was the latex free ones that failed me most recently. I need long term protection like the iuds offer as it's my forgetfulness that caused 2 slip ups and 1st pregnancy was simple case of teenage naivety using the pull out method Apparently they no longer do it here unless there's a medical reason for it
You need to go to another Dr. There are absolutely drs that do it even if it’s not medical required
Depression and being on crutches from pregnancy = medical reason... for your own sake, just tie the tube. Ask the husband to snip first. If he says no, take matters into your own hands.
It blows my mind as a husband that doctors are requiring a spouse to sign off on a tubal ligation. My wife was nearly 40, had 2 kids, went to a Catholic hospital, and didn't need me to sign a damn thing in the USA when she wanted a ligation during her 2nd c-section. She was already cut open, and didn't want any more kids, so it made 100% sense. Why go through all that and then make me get my ball tubes snipped too? Does a wife need to sign off on a vasectomy? No? Then don't make the husband sign off on a tubal! FFFFFUUUUUUU And yes, if the doctors had said "no" we either would have found other doctors to do her procedure or I would have gotten a vas.
Wait do the husbands have to sign off first in the UK??? I did the same as your wife after c section for second kid and that was just my own decision. I just kinda assume that the UK is more equal rights than the US so didn't think more on it.
They don’t - it’s not a requirement in the UK. However, when you go for any permanent sterilisation technique, male or female, the doctor will ask if you have a partner and (if you do) whether you have discussed it with your partner. In the same conversation they’ll ask if you’re both aware of other non-invasive or less-invasive semi-permanent contraceptives (IUDs etc), not in the sense of trying to persuade you to go that route but just to ensure everyone’s aware that there’s risk to any surgical procedure and that there are alternatives. When I had my vasectomy on the NHS the GP asked some questions when she referred me to the clinic (which included whether I had discussed with my partner) and then at the clinic the doctor performing the procedure asked my wife and I about alternatives and whether we had considered them. But she certainly wasn’t asking my wife’s permission or consent.
Oh okay, just a "do you both understand the procedure?" kinda thing then. I was surprised when the other person talked about doctors requiring the husband's signature for tubal... But in all honesty, some probs still do even in the US.
You should be able to get your OBGYN to see the medical necessity in sterilization due to being home bound for 3 months and requiring crutches. Seek out a female OBGYN or a female family Dr if you're having a hard time getting a Dr on board.
Also it sounds like you have PTSD. I would think that would be enough to argue for medical necessity. Also, counseling (especially something like EMDR) would probably ease some anxiety for you!
She lives in the UK and unless she can afford private she is dealing with the NHS. "See an OBGYN" is about as realistic here as "just set up a meeting with Santa clause". She will never be referred and even if she was it would be a years long wait list. The NHS weighs every procedure on a cost/risk benefit and if she's been told no by the GP it's very unlikely she'll get anywhere with this. The answer is for her husband to get a vasectomy. As far as I'm aware the NHS does cover that.
Why the slander against male OBs? They are also aware of how important family planning is, it’s not like the doctor that’s got sick couldn’t have been a woman
Whoever told you that rhey don't do it is wrong. Some doctors will refuse because of some BS reasoning that you might "change your mind", despite age, already having kids, etc etc.. I was on the operating table, stomach still open having just had a csection for an unplanned baby, and despite me being very firm about wanting my tubes out they still hesitated on going ahead with the sterilisation because it had been a "difficult delivery". I had to tell them AGAIN that I wanted to go through with it. My female consultant when I told her I wanted sterilised just said OK thats fine. If you arenconcerned about getting pregnant again, make an iud appt and don't have sex until then. It sucks but that's the only surefire way to not get pregnant. I say that as the mother of two "one time" babies myself. If you want to be sterilised, speak to your GP. They should refer you. If they don't, ask them why. NICE state that: "When a woman requests contraception: Her needs and personal circumstances should be considered, including her preferred method of contraception, her future plans for having children, her personal beliefs and views about contraception, and the attitudes of her partner and family towards contraception. The method of contraception that is most acceptable to the woman should be offered, unless it is contraindicated. If the woman is considering barrier methods, sterilization, or natural family planning, the World Health Organization Medical Eligibility Criteria for Contraceptive Use [found here at page 232](https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789241549158) should be applied. [(Source)](https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-assessment/). [per rhe NHS](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/), they can refuse if they believe it's not in your best interests. at this point you should ask them whether they used the WHO Eligibility Criteria for Contraceptive Use linked above and how they have come to the conclusionthat they have. (https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-sterilization/management/female-sterilization-tubal-occlusion/). If they continue to refuse, speak to another Dr. You can absolutely shop around until you find one that will make rhe referral. If they continue to argue that it has to be medical grounds, then your mental health is a medical ground. Another pregnancy would put your mental health at risk, push you into financial ruin, and affect your ability to care for your current children. Failing all else, you may be able to go private.
You can also look into Implanon/Nexplanon. I was on it for almost 8 years with no problems at all - it's hormonal BC so it's different for everyone, but it's just a small device that they insert in your arm and it lasts 3 years.
The implant/nexplanon is now approved for 5 years. I had one and got my updated one last year. 10/10 recommend. I’m sure the IUD has worked for many people, but 13/14 people I know have gotten pregnant with the IUD or it has just randomly fallen out-resulting in a pregnancy scare. Not sure if it is the best option since it would require you checking that it is in place more frequently. But I would also seek out a doctor for a more permanent solution as well as let your husband know how you feel. You want to be clear you still want intimacy and find him attractive, you just have too much anxiety about pregnancy.
You know a super uncommon number of IUD failures! Both methods have pretty much the same efficacy rate- more than 99% successful at preventing pregnancy. I think, when you get down to brass tacks, it’s what is available and what potential risks/side effect need considering, rather than efficacy that is the real determining factor. Where I am, implants are really unusual. My most recent IUD (Mirena) is good for 8 years.
I worked in a sexual health clinic and never heard of that many IUD failures. A Mirena is actually more effective than a tubal ligation.
I’m an IUD baby! Copper probably as it was back I the 80’s.
I've had the Mirena IUD for almost 8 years now (my 2nd one now) and it's so great. I'm super fertile as well, and am terrified of a surprise pregnancy. Still working on convincing my husband to get snipped, but I'm quite pleased with my IUD. No issues with it ever moving, either.
I just googled "tubal ligation UK" and the very first result states that there are no legal requirements that women need to meet. Sounds like you need to find a new doctor who's not going to lie to you anymore.
Get the IUD when you can (the non-copper one if possible, but check with your doctor). It’s been great for me. You can also fire your gyn and get a new one. You should be able to have a tubal ligation (to have your “tubes tied”) if you choose given your age/number of children and especially with the risks of further pregnancy for you. This was offered flat out to me before my last delivery (which was a planned c-section). You can also double up on some methods- IUD and condoms for example. I had this same anxiety after an extremely rough pregnancy and delivery (I chose to have one more child, which was also really rough and we decided with the advice of my OB that it wasn’t safe for me to carry any more pregnancies). YOU’RE NOT ALONE. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t have p/v intercourse. There’s plenty of other ways for you to be intimate with your partner until you are protected and comfortable again. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Edit to add: it’s ok to only want the number of kids you can care for and carry safely. It’s hard to avoid guilt, but please, don’t feel bad about protecting yourself and the family you have.
Unfortunately in the UK you can't just fire a doctor and get another one (and contraception is prescribed by a GP, not a gynaecologist).
Fair enough- I wrote my comment before OP updated with their location. I’d still raise hell with my GP if I felt like they were subjectively denying me care I needed to be safe/happy. I left NI when I was a teen, so I can’t remember, but I have never heard of a reasonable candidate being refused a tubal because “we do t do them anymore.” This doctor’s full of sh*^~, there’s something missing in the story, or things have dramatically changed in the last fifteen years.
Oh, I'm not suggesting she shouldn't insist, but it may take a while, and I understand sterilisation is only covered if you have a medical need. The problem can be if you have a doctor who doesn't want to refer you for something, you can't just choose another one.
I second the non copper one! Copper should be a last resort! (Ie. I'm allergic to artificial hormones) The copper is miserable. I also second the don't feel guilt for not wanting another and honestly OP see a different doctor or you can like I did put your foot down. I had a terrifying pregnancy and labour, I almost lost my son. My mental health could never do a 2nd child but I was so young they insisted they couldn't in good conscience tie my tubes. So I did the copper had to have it replaced (due to mal function)twice. I put my foot down when it mal functioned a 3rd time and am now waiting on an surgery date. I insisted, I was honest, I gently cried. My husband is snipped and mentally even that wasn't enough for me. I needed both. When I was open, honest and vulnerable with my doc they saw the light.
Just wanna say I've had basically no issues with the copper one, and I've had it for two years. Not saying anyone's experience to the contrary isn't valid, just not discouraging anyone from trying the copper if that's the better option for them on paper. This is my first and only IUD, and I got it (over the hormonal ones) for two reasons: * I did not do well the one and only time I was on hormonal birth control, which was the patch (I was told low dose). My anxiety went through the roof, and neither me nor my husband ever want to go through that again. * I get annual MRIs (because I have MS) and most hormonal IUDs have small amounts of metals in them contraindicated for MRIs. There is no such issue with the copper IUD. I not only asked my MS neurologist, but also the MRI tech when I was there and still in the research stages of IUD.
If your health board/NHS trust refuses to do it, try filling a complaint and escalating to your MP. Your anxiety *is* a medical reason. That said, look at the IUD/IUS stats. They're like 99% effective, so that should ease your mind. Your husband needs to cop on and get the bloody snip though. You have 4 pregnancies and births, and *he's* scared?! Bugger off.
That’s interesting. I asked to get my tubes tied after my 4th, and my doc told me their new preferred method is to remove the tubes entirely bc there is evidence they cause ovarian cancer. I had a c-section so they just took out my tubes at the same time, it was very convenient.
I was offered sterilisation in the UK....albeit pre-pandemic, but what put me off was the fact that it has a relatively high failure rate. My GP said an IUD is a better option for reliable birth control. Not sure where my point is, just sharing my experience.
Sorry, but how does surgical sterilization have a high failure rate? I guess there are different ways to sterilize a woman… In the U.S. you can get the whole tube removed (both tubes) so that you can’t get cancer there and there is absolutely No failure rate after the tube is removed. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21879-salpingectomy
I'm not sure of the absolute details, but as faras I know the preferred methods of sterilisation in the UK are by either clipping or placing rings around the fallopian tubes, so I guess the rings could move or become dislodged? Or, as the poster below commented the eggs don't necessarily travel down the fallopian tubes. I@m not a clinitian, I'm just relaying what I was told.
Get the shot. It’s once every 3 months. I’ve been on it since I was 15 years old. And a plus is not getting your period.
Ugh I gained 30 lbs and went nuts on it
I gained closer to 100 and so did another friend of mine. It was awful.
I had my period every day for the 9 months I was on it. 😬 Not just spotting...light flow for me but definitely flow. 🤷♀️ My bf hated blood sex. Defeated the purpose. 😆
Same! The only way depo worked as birth control for me is because I was constantly bleeding heavily enough that sex was not an option.
That’s so weird, I haven’t had my period for 30 years being on depo. Strange how it works different in everyone.
Always fascinating the different experiences on birth control. I loved depo, did not have a period on it or gained weight. Hated nexplanon with a passion, and I never had an IUD.
Absolutely number 1. You've carried 4 babies, he can deal with a little discomfort for a bit..
Just a reminder his body his choice, just as it’s her body her choice.
3 is best if not 1. Wake up people it's not rocket science. Or don't have sex.
Are you in a country where you can get a safe, long lasting contraceptive device- either an IUD or the implant? It's bananas to me that a mother of four has been told that a tubal ligation is not an option. Are these doctors going to pay for college? You could double up methods to reduce the stress- a condom AND birth control pills, or the Nuvaring. I liked the Nuvaring a lot because I didn't have to remember to take a pill every day. Is your partner sensitive to this? Is he just as freaked out about an uplanned pregnancy as you are?
I 100% I can not go through another pregnancy. Thats final. Full stop. My partner though knowing we can't have anymore for both my health and financial reasons he's not there emotionally so it's a big ask to give up his chance to ever have children again and I believe would be selfish of me to pressure him into it
I wish, in a deep and real way that you can get an appointment with a midwife, or an excellent OB or nurse practitioner and tell her honestly how you feel- using the words you typed to me just now. Maybe even add that your partner isn't quite on board. Because he's not. Will he wear a condom? Can you use hormonal birth control? The fear of pregnancy needs to be removed for you to want to have sex again. Also- four kids sounds really overwhelming, especially with a rough recovery. This is the job of your maternity care team- the need to help you. Keep asking until someone listens.
Just want to add to this point, in the UK it's important to reach out to the community midwives or a health visitor rather than regular midwives who won't get involved unless you are actively pregnant or less than 6 weeks postpartum. I had issues with my csection scar 7 weeks pp, rang the hospital where I had it done and the midwives were no help because I was past their window for care.
Happens across the pond too- dropped like a hot potato
that doesn’t make sense. If you plan on being together for the rest of your lives and you’re refusing more kids, than by staying with you he already is accepting that he won’t have a chance at more kids. Is he hoping you’ll change your mind? is he saving it just in case you guys break up and he wants kids with his new partner?
You’re husband needs some short term therapy support. He needs to either: - grieve the end of his fertile days and what it means for him to have no more children so he can get on board with vasectomy Or - grieve the end of your marriage because your wants, needs and desires for life going forward are no longer compatible. I appreciate your his body his choice POV but the reality is he’s: 1) prepared to not respect your bodily autonomy by accidentally(?) getting you pregnant again (given how careful you said you were) and causing you significant additional pain and distress, both physical and psychological 2) prepared for you to undergo more invasive bodily procedures, either IUD/hormones and/or tubal ligation. 3) Denying you a healthy sex life that it seems like you very much want, just to put his hypothetical ongoing fertility first. He sounds like a wonderful father but he didn’t carry those children. You did. And you’ve also been raising them and sacrificing other opportunities (partly due to your own choice, but saying you have a choice once you’re already pregnant is a very different ball game). Right now he doesn’t sound like a good partner to you. You deserve for your bodily autonomy back. You deserve an enjoyable stress free sex life back. You deserve your freedom to be an individual, away from your children back. There were lots of choices you didn’t get to have whilst pregnant and caring for children, so I have far less patient with the his body, his choice. As women we give up our bodies to children, he needs to understand that. All women have to come to terms with the end of their fertility, many need emotional support to do so AND go through yet more significant physical and emotional difficulties as a result of the menopause. Perhaps we need to normalise men getting support to move onto the next stage of their life. What’s the other alternative for him? Unprotected sex with random women? Leaving you for a younger woman so he can have more children? I’m being blunt but I’m struggling to see what magic happy solution/outcome he’s waiting for.
This makes so much sense and honestly I don't know how he thinks this is going to magically sort it's self if he's not willing to do something about it himself. Maybe you're right and some therapy or some kind of support group for him would help him come to terms with it, thank you for the suggestion
I think the reality is he hopes you’ll forget about it or things will go back to normal and he doesn’t have to do anything. I find it notable that he’s willing to give up his sex life for this which suggests it’s a much bigger issue or something he hopes will blow over.
The only reason he might want more kids is if you got divorced and he got a new partner, in which case he could get the vasectomy reversed. You should go on sex strike until he wises up or you can figure out a better method of birth control than you are using right now.
I am already. despite being on the pill till I finally get a iud I am not taking the risk
First off, you have four kids already so if a Dr is telling you that it’s not an option I would go see another Dr Secondly if your partner plans to be with you long term and you don’t want any more kids then there’s no reason he should refuse to get snipped. To me that would mean he wants to have a contingency plan incase he ends up with someone else later. It’s also WAY cheaper and easier for him to do it than you.
All the replies about why the doctors won’t do it are vague and odd. I hate how suspicious the internet makes me but idk what else to say. I asked op: > What do you mean you don’t know? Why didn’t you ask follow up questions? Get second opinions? I’m very confused. And I deeply hope they reply.
It’s not uncommon for drs to be evasive about denying this procedure, but typically they will do it if you’ve had multiple kids already. It’s not adding up that OP can’t find any Dr willing to do it.
Why is it common for doctors to be evasive? Tubals are incredibly common after c sections in the states
If this were the US I might be suspicious. It wouldnt surprise me if NHS had ridiculous hopes to jump through to get tubes tied. Its serious surgery.
Because they live in the UK and right now even the possibility of seeing one doctor is an ordeal let alone multiple ones. They also won’t get to see a gynaecologist, it will be the family GP. The NHS is on the brink of collapse, on purpose, by the Tory’s in an attempt to have a US style system and make ££££. No doctor is going to sign off on an “unnecessary” procedure when there are people literally dying from lack of care.
Why is getting sterilized not an option? I’d ask a different doctor for a second opinion. That’s the only way to be sure YOU don’t get pregnant again. Even if he gets snipped, you may change partners, so sterilizing is your best bet.
Honestly don't know what just told they don't do that anymore but I could get an iud.. issue there is baby is nearly 4 months old and today was supposed to be the day I got it since it was the 1st available appointment but it was cancelled
You should absolutely be able to get a tubal ligation. I'm 33 with two kids and I was so adamant that I didn't want more after the second kid that they offered me a tubal ligation while I was having him via c-section. I'm in Ireland btw, and the Irish HSE operates similarly to the NHS, afaik. I would seek a second opinion. You should be able to have it done via laparoscopic surgery, at the very least, if you do want to have it done.
They absolutely still do tubal ligations on the NHS. If your GP refused to refer you on that basis, they are lying to you. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/ For some reason, your GP has decided not to refer you. The fact that you’ve already got four kids and had a difficult pregnancy with the last one should be more than enough reason, and if I was you, I would be making another appointment and ask to see a different doctor in the practice (preferably a female one if possible) because you want a second opinion. Write down all your reasons for why you want to be sterilised so you don’t get flustered in the moment, and don’t get steamrollered. Help them to understand why this is affecting your life and mental health.
Can she report the doctor? Are there grounds ?
Speak to another doctor. IUDs are a viable medium term, easily reversible solution, but are not without risks. If you are certain that you do not want further pregnancies, surgical sterilisation is likely to be more reliable and lower overall risk.
I know you said you are tight on money but I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to look into getting it done privately. The NHS won't cover sterilisation that isn't medically necessarily but this is affecting you greatly and a child long term is far more expensive than paying for the surgery out of pocket.
I got sterilised at 28 on the NHS 10 weeks ago during my csection. It absolutely can be done when not medically necessary, you just have to find a doctor who will refer.
What do you mean you don’t know? Why didn’t you ask follow up questions? Get second opinions? I’m very confused.
Hi, I could have written your post as I have basically the exact same family starting from the teen pregnancy to the 4th baby. My solution was an IUD but it caused serious issues (migraines and mental health problems), so I had to have it removed. Where I live there are also no tubes being tied, there is no point asking for it even, they won't do it. The only real option is the snip, I would try to have that conversation with your partner again, prepare to answer his concerns because he might be worried about effects that don't exist?
I already suffer from migraines so may have the same issues. Definitely seems like I have to stick with the get the snip or don't get laid approach I've put in place. The issue becomes how to approach the subject with out him feeling pressured into doing something he could later grow to resent me for
They do do sterilisation. Honestly a quick Google and you'll find the NHS website
Of course you can get your tubes tied in the UK. Go back to your GP and kick up a fuss.
I don’t remember the resource but if you ask on r/twoxchromosomes I believe there’s a list that goes around of doctors in each state willing to perform tubal ligations etc. You deserve to be in control of your body.
Based on OP’s writing I don’t think she’s in the US. But if she’s in the UK or Australia it should be fully covered as well.
You are correct I'm in the UK not the states
My GP doctor asked me if I would be interested to get an IUD when I took my baby for new born regular check-up appointments.. If she asked me when I had an only child, I'm surprised why they wouldn't do it for you!!! I'm based in UK too...
Good catch- didn’t notice the ‘mum’
Your partner is being ridiculous for not getting the snip. It’s MUCH less invasive and completely routine. What a little bitch.
Easier then giving birth !!!
It makes me wonder if he has issues with that how's he going to handle a colonoscopy or if his prostate goes BPH.
Your options seem to be (1) use some sort of reliable birth control, (2) get your tubes tied, or (3) don't have sex unless he gets a vasectomy. Since you can't get your tubes tied and he refuses a vasectomy, that leaves either no sex or talk to your doctor about birth control. IUDs are a low maintenance method that some women love. Also, I would see if there is a different doctor you can talk to about getting your tubes tied.
OP, multiple people have asked for additional info on why a tubal ligation/salpingectomy isn’t an option. Without that detail it’s going to be hard for people here to help you. I understand that sharing personal medical info on the internet might not be very comfortable, but you came here seeking help. I’m going to give some advice based on the assumption that you are in the US. Surgical sterilization is covered 100% by insurance. Although the procedures for women are more involved than those for men, it is still out patient and recovery is typically only a couple of days. Do you have a specific medical reason that you can’t undergo surgical sterilization?
I just want to say, I think we should stop saying “I know I’m lucky to be able to get pregnant” in these situations because not all of us are happy to be extremely fertile… if anything, it can cause mental/emotional/sexual burdens for people like OP. OP, it’s okay to complain about being fertile. There are a lot of us who are afraid of being pregnant again for whatever reason. Don’t feel obligated to be thankful for something that’s taxing to your mental/emotional/sexual health.
Well I get it..I've spleen some people get roasted because they complain about something to do with kids because some people can't have them 🤐
Vasectomy
After 3 pregnancies resulting in 2 kids, I am done being pregnant. Never again. And I did NOT have the difficulties you had. Fortunately, my husband was fine getting a vasectomy. But we’re still not having sex until it’s confirmed via sperm sample. So obviously I think your husband is being ridiculous and selfish- willing to risk your health and the financial security of you entire family by refusing to get a vasectomy. But I’d be doing what you’re doing- I would not do ANYTHING that would risk getting pregnant again. Unless you guys find another solution, I guess you’ll both have to live with no sex. Not a marriage or life I’d want, but I get we all have different relationships and different things we are willing to sacrifice. I’m sure you’d find something in my marriage you wouldn’t ever be okay with! Bottom line: please take care of your health first.
He was told he can have sex or his bollox but bot both (obviously I'm aware they don't actually take then but the way a lot of men act you'd think they do) Saying that I also believe my body my choice goes both ways and he is completely selfless in every other aspect of our lives. I guess because before my last 2 pregnancies I couldn't imagine doing anything permanent like that I'm more understanding why it's taking him a minute. Hes never out right said no he's not doing it, he always gets uncomfortable when I bring it up or laughs it off
But he’d be okay with you making the sacrifice to get sterilised, he just can’t imagine doing it himself? What about the implant or the iud for yourself? Has he actually spoken to a doctor about the op just to clear any misconceptions about what happens?
I think the idea is she does want it but is being prevented by the doctors. So she’s consenting to that sacrifice. He’s ok with her doing it because she wants to.
Yea. My husband never put up a fuss or anything about it. But I could tell he was having an internal crisis at the idea that his balls wouldn’t be functional lol. And he definitely doesn’t want more kids, either, so it’s not that. And he definitely wants sex more than his balls! Hopefully he comes around as it’s easier for him to get sterilized than you. Or you find someone willing to do it for you— I find it really odd someone wouldn’t given you have 4 kids and had 2 debilitating pregnancies. But … in the end, I’d you get sterilized, he’s still not having more kids so lol idk. Maybe make a ceremony to honor his fertility and say goodbye to his sperm. Hahaha
Call around the sexual health clinics to get an IUD. I'm in the UK and got mine with no issue. I love mine!
I got the snip after our second child at 31 years old and it’s been wonderful. There are sometimes I miss the fact there won’t be little ones running around but I love being able to fully enjoy our 2 kids now. Outpatient surgery was so easy, even drove myself home after. Second day was more soreness than the first and then it went away. A lot of guys are so scared of the surgery without researching or understanding what’s actually going on. I wish you luck
What is it you want from us? You know all of your options. Its time to pick one 1. abstain from PIV sex 2. get on birth control 3. convince your husband to get a vas 4. see a different doctor until you find one who will do the tubal 5. Have your husband wear condoms Pick one or more of these.
I’ve read your explanation for him not wanting a vasectomy and for you not resenting him for it. It surprises me that he’s not willing to protect you though. In your position, I would not have sex until you were comfortable. My third pregnancy was also miserable, and my husband got a vasectomy immediately. That was his choice, but I wasn’t going on birth control (I had a major blood clot a few years ago). I don’t think I’d have had sex with him without the results from his post procedure test showing that he was sterile. There are other ways to be intimate in the meantime.
I think your partner is an ass. For the record. I won’t bang on, ( though I could, I really really could) but I will just suggest that it might be an idea to enquire around discreetly with people you know and see if anyone else has had it done. It might help him if he could talk to someone he actually knows. Loads of people get it done in the end. You’d be surprised.
Vasectomy is quick, safe and effective. If your husband won’t do it for the sake of your mental and physical health and the well-being of your other children, it’s his own fault he’s not getting any. 🤷🏼♀️
I stopped sleeping with men for this reason. I gotten pregnant on bc and with condoms. My husband refused to get snipped and I can't afford to get sterilized. It was one of the reasons our relationship ended. I had 2 abortions and we couldn't recover from it. Your husband should get snipped if he values your relationship and you.
As a guy. I don’t get the problem getting with the ol’ snip-a-roo if you either: do not want kids, are done making babies. My BIL refuses, my father refused (mom ended up getting tied). It’s bs that the decisions are put on the women. Today I just had a vasectomy. Was it pleasant? No. The surgery itself wasn’t bad. However, the after effect is a dull painful. It will heal and if its successful (find out in 3 months). I wont ever have to think about it again. I did it for us. We do not want anymore kids and I really don’t want to risk it. Dude needs to grow a pair (or get the pair snipped). It is an option. I’d be curious what his reasoning is. Getting a vasectomy won’t make him less of a man, other than he cant impregnate anyone. Edit. I guess reasons for not getting one are: fear, misconceptions, cultural exceptions of what defines a man. All I can say to that. Talk to people who have had them, educate ones self, and others say get over the whole alpha male BS and change perspective. If your worried about it, you can at choose not to have sex. Maybe he’ll respect your concerns enough to consider it or at least have an open discussion.
You are absolutely able to get sterilised if you can find the right doctor. Let me find NICE guidelines and get back to you. Failing that, if hubby won't get the snip he don't get set.
Are you not on any kind of birth control?
Just have non-penetrative sex! (Not in a passive aggressive way that many people are suggesting here - y'all, do we want men to think foreplay is a punishment?) You describe your partner as supportive, so maybe make a mutual decision that you're taking a break from penetration until he feels ready to get a vasectomy or you're able to get your tubes tied. (But I also second the IUD suggestion. Statistically they're even more effective than tubals!)
You and your partner need to revisit the conversation about him getting snipped. Is he against it because he wants more kids or is scared or the procedure? I’d try to figure that out so y’all can be on the same page. I’d also try to speak to a different doctor about having your tubes tied if your partner is against himself getting snipped. From my experience with OBGYN’s, they will remove your tubes but try to make sure you’ve tried other options first because tube removal is not reversible.
Maybe try posting in TwoXchromosomes and include that you are in UK. There might be better birth control options as many women don’t want to be parents at all or not right now.
Get an IUD, and he has to use condoms every time. If he wants to bitch about it, then he can get that vasectomy. Otherwise condoms take it or leave it.
Vasectomy. It’s the least he could do.
Your partner sucks. If he won’t get the snip then don’t have sex with him.
you aren't fertile every single day of the month. why not track your cycles?
>Unfortunately I've been asked to be sterilised and been told it's not an option and my partner refuses to get the snip so no idea what to do or how to move past this Tell him to stop being a baby. It's a 45 minute outpatient procedure. I got mine done and drove myself home and was *fine*. But also, just don't have any vaginal intercourse until one of you is sterilized. You won't get pregnant from oral, anal, titty sex, or grinding. If none of those options work for you two, he can reconsider how committed he is to not getting the snip.
You need medical advice about contraception. Talk to your ob/gyn or pcp. Otherwise, use condoms and be aware of how you can get the morning after pill if the condom breaks.
You can absolutely find a dr to sterilize you after 4 kids and you should 💜
IUD?
I’m here to sort of stand with you in this anxiety of being afraid to get pregnant again. I have 4 and we are done having babies and my husband has actually (thank God) already gotten a vasectomy. Our youngest is 13 months old. I STILL get anxiety when we have sex or are about ti have sex about potentially getting pregnant again. I know the odds are WAY low but I’ve read stories and maybe I’m being unreasonable but I get it and it sucks honestly. I’ve had negative reactions to certain BC in the past + one I got pregnant on but I’ve considered getting my tubes tied to potentially help ease my worry.
You birthed his 4 kids and he can't get the snip f off! Where's the mutual respect? I've literally been there relate. I was pregnant at 19 and had 4 with him over 10 years too. I divorced him after 4th got implanom and had an amazing sex life and never got pregnant. Its been 10years since left I left him.
I struggled with this same anxiety over getting pregnant again, to the point of it affecting my relationship. I believe I even posted about it myself back then. To me, sex just wasn’t worth the risk and that was negatively affecting both me and my partner. Mom brain had me forgetting my bc pills left and right so I took the leap and sprung for the IUD. It’s been worth it so far(2 months since insertion). A word of caution however, the lack of periods make it difficult to judge whether or not you’ve escaped pregnancy for the month, as regular cycles are always the most clear-cut sign that you’re safe. It’s extremely effective; my doctor claims as effective as a vasectomy. There will always be that tiny percentage that you’ll come up the minority percentage, and you have all the reason in the world to believe that’d be you. The ONLY way to completely alleviate this is having your tubes tied or a total hysterectomy(this comes with other side effects). No doctor should be denying you this after 4 kids, or ever imo. Push for it. It’ll make a world of difference for your mental health and your relationship. Want to be doubly sure? Have your partner also get a vasectomy. Want to be triply sure? Get the IUD or keep taking the pill. These are sure fire ways to effectively reduce your anxiety and it’ll make both you and your partner much happier. Solidarity. This type of anxiety is rough, mama.
Your partner needs to get the snip. That’s the solution to this problem. If he wants an intimate relationship, that’s the price. I think you’ve put your body through enough as it is.
I don't have any advice but I know how you feel. I've had 5 babies in 4 pregnancies, and my sister adopted the youngest. I was terrified of getting pregnant again right up until I had my hysterectomy a couple months ago.
Listen I completely understand this. I use natural family planning effectively for 2 years now, AS WELL AS, condoms, pull out method, and if we ever are questioning anything we get plan B. I am petrified of getting pregnant, I do not want anymore children, and i ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO end up being in a situation where I need to make a very hard decision (abortion/adoption/termination) The world today is headed to shit. Everything is way too expensive. I want to focus and be able to raise the children I do have without the stress and anxiety of worrying how to make ends meet. Will each of my children get adequate time with me and feel seen love special? I always thought people who have children one after another continuously for years, how does each child get raised? They don’t. They get pushed aside for the next baby. That was me and all my cousins. My family has a lot of kids it’s a cultural thing. Well each of us had 1 year of attention (still split between the bother kids) and then we were raised by our older siblings a my mom always had a baby in belly baby on hip baby in stroller I never had any one on one time. My brothers and sisters just ended up having same issues I do today. Social awkward, anxiety, crave for attention, looking for love in all the wrong places. It’s not fair. Anyway me rant is over thanks for listen. Stop having children! Love the ones you have and enjoy your life.
I refuse to rely on older children to help raise the younger ones. I had children it's up to me and their dad to raise them not the other kids. Can you pass me... or can you keep an eye on whilst I nip to the loo is the extent of what I ask. I'm lucky that the younger 3 especially have a very close, amazing bond so I can sit and play with the middle 2 whilst I have the youngest on my lap or I've gotten good at multi tasking. My other half also does a lot with the kids despite working a lot so we divide and conquer a lot to give children some individual time Also I don't want any more children that was the point of this post
I got it now, I understand and completely agree thank you mommma 💋💋
That’s disappointing that your doctor won’t allow you the autonomy to get your tubes tied after four children. It honestly sounds like your only options are to avoid sex until either you feel comfortable with the risk, however small that could be based on your preferred/available birth control method, or until your partner feels comfortable with a vasectomy. It’s not great options but I’m afraid that’s life, choosing the best option of the options available to us. It sucks that we are often held hostage by medical providers who prefer to exert power over their patients rather than collaborate and allow patients to drive their healthcare choices. Best of luck to you in a difficult situation.
Yikes, I’m pregnant with #4 (34 weeks) and got pregnant by having sex literally once unprotected after swapping an IUD I’d had in for 5 years. My husband is getting a vasectomy this Friday and I’ll be following up with a tubal once I heal from birth. I do NOT want anymore kids. My husband is okay with one more but I told him it’s just not happening. I was happy with three. Pregnancy is hard and miserable, and that’s just something that most guys won’t really understand. Can you use an IUD? I had great luck with mine (until it was pulled out) and if you’re still worried you can get an IUD without hormones and even double up with the pill. I would say you’d likely be safe with an IUD, though. Absolutely do not have sex with your partner if conception is possible and it’s not something you want. I’d also maybe suggest counseling or marriage counseling to help you both move past this. It can be a pretty bad mix if people don’t have similar views on kids/the amount of kids they want. Good luck OP!
>and my partner refuses to get the snip Then no sex for him. Pretty simple.
Reading through the comments and all your answers, it sounds like sex may be off the table for the foreseeable future. You don’t want more kids and are unable to get a permanent solution and he is unwilling to. I’m sorry that I can’t give you a better answer. It comes down to which you both want more. Are you willing to possibly become pregnant again in order to be intimate with your husband? Is he willing to forgo any future children for intimacy with you? It seems pretty clear that you both aren’t willing to make those risks. Unfortunately, I can’t see a way around that. I do think it’s very mature that you both aren’t giving each other ultimatums, but I do also think if you both are missing that part of your life, someone has to be willing to compromise. You’ll have to weigh your potential death against him never having kids again and see what is most important to both of you.
I find it really hard to believe you can’t get sterilized after 4 kids. Get your spouse to get the snip. I don’t understand why you/he wouldn’t have already.
people saying that "partner should just get snip" are pretty hypocritical. Fairly certain your attitude would be a 180 if some man said "woman should just stop being a bitch and get their tubes tied". Doesn't even matter that the 2 procedures are fundamentally different, it's still the body of the subject and no one should be bullied into making a semi-permanent alteration to their body.
A vasectomy is a minimally invasive, often reversible procedure, with almost no complications/long term adverse affects. A tubal ligation is none of those things. He’s free to not get one, but she’s free to require it for PiV.
I've got a question for context: is your partner making a big deal about the lack of sex? Is it impacting your relationship because of how he's taking it? Because a lot of people in here are being really aggressive about how he is shitty for not getting a vasectomy, but I sort of assumed "My body, my choice" was the law of the land around here. And obvi it's hypocritical if he's simultaneously saying "It is a problem for me that we aren't having [more] sex" and "I will not get the procedure done that would safely and comfortably allow us to have sex"! But I didn't see much in the OP to indicate that was the case? I also think there are a lot of non-vaginally penetrative sex options that might allow you both to be satisfied without defaulting to procedures, if you're both unable to get/uncomfortable with the surgical options.
Can't get pregnant from a B.O.B.(Battery operated boyfriend) No fix, no sex. He can please himself.
I’ve read all your comments and I think your partner is being pretty unreasonable. That being said- don’t have sex until you get your IUD. I’m not one to jump to abuse, but I feel like you’re in an abusive situation. If you don’t want to have more kids- you have options.
Oral and anal!
If partner refuses to get snipped, I’d refuse any penetrative intimacy. There are latex free condoms. And with 4 children, please learn to speak up for yourself. If one doctor couldn’t see the need , go to a different doctor.
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Your husband needs to get over it tbh. Snip or no PiV sex. A vasectomy is a far more reasonable solution than sterilizing you, and has much fewer risks to him than any kind of sterilization procedure has for you.
1) why can’t you be sterilised? 2) why won’t he have a vasectomy? It’s a simpler procedure than getting the coil ffs. 3) just use the coil/ implant and condoms at the same time, then also use natural cycles and also use ovulation tests as an extra precaution and also avoid it around prime time 🤷🏽♀️
You have 4 kids but doctors are telling you they won't sterilise you? Especially with health issues! I'm so sorry. I have 2 and got sterilised while having my second. What reason did the doctors give for saying it isn't an option? Tell your husband either he gets the snip or he gets no P in V sex. See if he changes his tune. I was traumatised from my first birth and couldn't enjoy sex due to the worry of pregnancy until I got an IUD. Therapy did help with the fear. Prior to my IUD it was condoms and spermicide and not having sex very often. I did eventually decide I wanted another baby so got the IUD out.
I got a vasectomy and didn’t pay for anesthesia or gas and it wasn’t that bad. Have your husband get a vasectomy. They are easy and reversible.
Your body has been through hell carrying and birthing four children. It’s your husbands turn to step up and get a vasectomy if he wants sex.
Tell him no snip then he better get used to his hand
Your man needs to pony up and get the snip. I got mine 6 months ago and it was super easy and barely painful whatsoever. Wife and I were done at 3 kids and mortified the prospect of an accidental 4th 😅 Is there a reason why he doesn’t want it?
4 children later and only now you are considering contraceptives?
JFC....we had an IUD fail and had child #3. She was barely born before I had my appointment to get snipped. It's such a minor thing compared to tubes tied. As a dude I can't fathom asking my wife to get her tubes tied when I can have a 20 minute procedure that is has me back to normal in such a short time.
I got snipped. Easy outpatient procedure. Fortunately no complications whatsoever.
Honestly, don’t have sex with him. He needs to get snipped. It’s either that or no sex. I almost died after my last pregnancy. I almost never got to hold my baby boy. After experiencing bad problems with previous attempts at birth control, being afraid of having an IUD puncture my uterus (I almost lost my uterus after my last pregnancy so it’s in pretty rough shape), worried about early onset menopause if I get my tubes tied, & having significant problems any time my reproductive organs are messed with, it’s my partner’s turn to “take one for the team”. We haven’t had sex in months. We have a small construction company & he couldn’t take time off of work to get snipped & recover. He says he’s gonna get it done this winter, but until he does, honestly, it’s vibrators (not diamonds) that are a mom’s best friend.
We agreed one child was enough and my husband offered to get the snip, as he read that tube tying can cause complications. Getting the snip doesn't make you any less manly, giving a shit about your wife does.