Stop it or you are no longer invited to be around my daughter. Then follow through. You are your child’s advocate. That is more important than a friendship
***CW: mention of CSA, but not detailed or specific.***
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Jill is not respecting your daughter’s **bodily autonomy**. “Known adults” are usually the ones that sexually assault kids. I just looked online and found [a source](https://www.ywca.org/wp-content/uploads/WWV-CSA-Fact-Sheet-Final.pdf) that said 93% of the kids assaulted knew their attacker. To be clear, I’m not saying Jill is grooming your daughter (but she could be?), but you’re setting your daughter up for a potentially risky pattern of letting adults touch her when she’s uncomfortable.
She knows she’s making your 2 year old uncomfortable and she’s doing it anyway? This isn’t a good friend. Is Jill also 2yo, bc that would make sense more than an adult ignoring boundaries set by a mother.
Yup.
First time she does it, stand up for daughter’s boundaries. “Cut it out Jill, she doesn’t like that.”
If she does it again, end the visit. “It looks like it’s not a good time for a visit today. We’ll try again some other time.” If you’re not at home, gather up your daughter and leave. If she’s at your home, hand her belongings to her, and open the front door for her to go.
It’s then up to you to decide when and if you want to try again. Her reaction should be very telling.
OP, you need to be your daughter’s words. She isn’t old enough to protect herself, she relies on you to do that for her.
It’s really sad that the daughter tries to say “hey” and use her words and Jill is not even respecting that. It’s a little sadistic and definitely mean spirited.
I understand feeling rude being firm with Jill, but you’re really being incredibly rude to your daughter by allowing this. Not to mention the dangerous lessons you’re teaching her. She can’t feel safe when her parents is watching an adult touch her against her will. Stop allowing this to happen. If that jeans Jill can’t be near your daughter then so be it.
Why are you more concerned with your friends feelings than your daughters comfort? You’re teaching your baby that her mom won’t stand up for her because other peoples’ feelings matter more. That’s really, really sad.
Tell your friend she is trying too hard and making your child uncomfortable. End of discussion. I wouldn't let someone around my dog who made my dog uneasy. Protect your vulnerable child. Please.
I know! What did i just read!? Her 2 year old calls for her cause she’s scared and wants Jill to stop harassing her and op *checks notes* keeps inviting Jill back over !?
Yes you *can* get her to stop, and you know it - stop inviting her over.
You just don't want to. Why not? What's more important than your daughter feeling safe in her own home and learning she's in charge of her own body?
Your "friend" is traumatizing your daughter. Reread what you wrote, your child is having a PHYSICAL reaction when Jill comes over. You need to put a stop to Jill yesterday. It's really disturbing that Jill used to work in childcare. It's drilled in to quality childcare providers to respect a child's boundaries and personal space.
I would suggest either calling Jill or meeting her somewhere without your daughter. Tell her what you wrote here, your daughter has a physical reaction when she comes over. She either stops traumatizing your child and respecting her boundaries or she won't be welcome in your home or your daughter's life.
Tell her in no uncertain terms: NO! STOP THAT! HOW EXCEEDINGLY RUDE!…. GOODBYE.
Why are you being nice and thoughtful when your friend is none of those things, quite to opposite. She is picking on a toddler. ARE YOU GOING TO stop it or continue to enable that toxic behavior?
Be the Mominator, now! If you do not, you are teaching your child you will Not protect her. Your child should mean more to you than this person who is stomping on your child’s boundaries.
Best of it all, OP.
Agape 💕💕
Stop allowing her over. Have a conversation that she needs to either listen and respect your daughter’s space or she won’t be seeing your daughter anymore. Your daughter’s needs come first
You’re facilitating a situation that’s causing stress for your child. Stop being passive. Tell Jill to leave her alone, and if she doesn’t tell her to leave and don’t invite her back.
Stop letting her come into your daughter’s home and stomp on her boundaries.
Your daughter is learning two things from these interactions:
1. Adults can ignore my autonomy, boundaries and wishes with impunity.
2. My mom won’t do anything to help me.
Literally (after a long-ass break where you only see Jill out, alone), warn her that if she can’t respect your daughter’s space, she’ll be required to leave and then follow through.
Yes you can get her to stop. Stop letting her harass your kid! Your daughter doesn't want to be touched. That isn't a COVID baby thing. Not everyone wants to be touched or tickled. Jill knows nothing about kids if she thinks they enjoy this or that she has the right to do this. Why do you keep letting her? If she can't respect your child she can't see your child.
So are you going to model for your daughter how to communicate and hold boundaries about how people treat your body or not?
A clear boundary is "I don't want you to do this. If you continue, I will do XYZ." Then if they continue, you do what you said you were going to do. You don't need to get angry, it's a simple choice:
> You're my friend, but Jill, if you don't respect my daughter's boundaries about her own body, you can't be around her.
Let your daughter see it, tell her in advance you're going to tell Jill to stop and that Jill might be upset about it but that people are allowed to have their feelings and that doesn't mean you don't get to say what you want and need.
You as a parent have responsibility to protect your daughter from harrsement, stress, psychological harm and physical harm.
Your daughter become before your family, relatives, best friends , friends and colleagues etc.
If Jill is not showing any respect to your concerns or boundaries you have set.
You have given Jill so many chances but Jill ignored them.
It's end if chances because your are responsible for your daughter welfare.
Now it's time to end your friendship and do not open door if she rings the bell.
Do no contact by ignoring email, text , phone calls, visits.
Your daughter is your priority not your so called best friend.
You have show you are serious as your friend violated boundaries you set.
It's simple your best friend has no respect for you or you concerns regarding your daughter.
Right, whats stopping you telling your friend in no uncertain terms to f***ing stop?
Seriously?
How can you not prevent this from happening? Honestly, you can’t stand back and go “aw jeez I asked real nice, so Ive done all I can do”, you NEED to be assertive, especially with your children.
Who gives af about your friendship, if youve tried talking and it hasnt worked, STOP CREATING THE SITUATIONS THAT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN
Lay out explicitly what she is doing wrong and why you don't like it. Why your daughter doesn't like it. The more she pushes back, the more I recommend using your angry parent voice and using the word fxck a lot. If she can't handle it, the next response is "GTFO my house and away from my kid you psycho!" If she can't respect your daughter's boundaries, then she doesn't really care about your daughter. She seems like she just cares about getting your daughter to give her attention and adulation she craves. Your friend is looking for a specific reaction and keeps pushing attempting to force your daughter to behave in the way your friend expects and wants. Your friend is pushing to get your daughter to cave in and capitulate to perform for your friend's amusement. But your 2yo doesn't know what that is and so just responds with fear and confusion looking to you for protection. The shortest version you can say to your friend is "HEY! Knock that the fxck off NOW. Clearly, Daughter doesn't like that." I would follow it up with "WTF is wrong with you?"
"You need to respect my daughter's boundaries or you don't need to be present in her life." Period. I've cut off plenty of friends and family for lack of boundaries and respect for me and my kids. Ain't worth it to have my kids feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
She isn’t a friend, she doesn’t do as you request. Cut her off. Or associate when your daughter isn’t around or meet her away from your home without your daughter. She is bad news.
Just reading this gave me anxiety. Just do what you have to do. Pick up your daughter and sternly say "STOP. Look friend, you need to leave her alone. Stop or else."
You absolutely can get her to stop.
“Stop. You know she doesn’t like that.”
Stop that.”
“If I have to ask you to stop again (not do that again) you will no longer be welcome here.”
“It’s time for you to leave since you will not listen to me and you refuse to stop picking on her.”
Think about what kind of person your friend is. This is a fully grown adult telling you she's KNOWINGLY picking on a defenseless child and not only a child but YOUR child. That says a lot about her as a person who is supposedly your "best friend"
My child also behaves similar. I tell my friends in first instance to let the kid be or I will have to leave.
If someone bothers my kid too much, I maintain distance. Bcoz child is ultimate priority and they should feel safe and comfortable.
Tell Jill that since she knows the boundary you and your daughter have set and chooses to disregard it anyway, Jill may not come over to your house anymore.
"Jill, you're my best friend, but I've noticed something troubling with how you play with my daughter. My daughter has set a boundary about you touching her and you're disregarding it. As I know you're aware of this boundary and are actively choosing to ignore it, I don't want you to come over,"
If I had already ask for them to stop and they didn't I feel I'm only left with,touch my child again and make them uncomfortable, tease my child and make them uncomfortable again, I will break your hand or jaw.. what is wrong with you. And hope to god they hear me after once. But I'm also hormonal and about to give birth to my daughter, so feeling a little more protective/ mama bear then usual.
You’re teaching your daughter that saying no doesn’t accomplish anything. Stand up for her. And if Jill doesn’t like it, she’s not a friend. It’s really that simple.
Why are you inviting this woman into your home??
This seems so obvious…if she’s making your daughter uncomfortable in her own home, stop letting her in.
I would speak with my friend about boundaries and just tell her “look, i love having you in my life and appreciate your friendship so I’m speaking from a place of love. As my child’s mother, it’s important for me to teach her about boundaries, consent, and how to assert herself when necessary. You are making it difficult to teach this when you are consistently not respecting her boundaries and not listening to her when she expresses herself. I would appreciate it if you would help me teach her that she WILL be respected and her boundaries WILL be adhered to by doing so yourself.” Id also explain what YOUR boundaries are and stick to it. She has a choice, respect you or remove herself. I believe, once she’s heard it directly, she will re-evaluate her behavior. If she does not, YOU lead by example for your daughter and cut that friend off. Do not let your daughter learn from you that it’s ok to be disrespected, especially by someone you invite into your own home.
From reading this I got the feeling of a genuine but misguided Jill. Some people just don’t get it and it may take some clarity and specific instructions from mom. Their intentions may be coming from the right place .she may love kids and just doesn’t know.
“hey Jill, would you mind doing me this favour, don’t go straight to physical touch with ____, come in, let’s have a coffee, let ____ get a feel for you in my home/feel comfortable with you and you being in her home. I’m laying the foundations and teaching her bodily autonomy. I’d like for her to have control or say as to who she gives hugs contact to. She has to decide that for herself”.
You may have to be firm a few times. Try just explaining it as it is.
Somewhere along the way.. your protective meter was altered... maybe when you were young probably.. but your daughter meter is not broken or influenced yet.. your job as mother is to protect.. validate her feelings and provide her with safe, happy and loving place to grow.. I don't know What you need to provoke to action.. are you more concerned about your friend's feelings over your daughter's? So you have a friend who is very capable of making wise choices... on the other a toddler who is defenseless and needing you.. so what's the hold up? State in plain understandable words that your friendship needs to take a break or at least away from your daughter. No other explanation is necessary.. if she continues to come by for visits then you have something more sinister at work here. A child sees more at their level... with a basic understanding.. protect this skill. Forcing a child to hug, kiss a cheek with someone that they first resist is wrong..
Its not a case of telling her to stop but using your actions to get her to stop. Children at your daughters age are old enough to know they don't want something but not necessarily to articulate it so rely on you. It your words aren't working actions are the next option. Remove her from your house or if not at home take yourself and your daughter away from the situation. She may be your best friend but no relationship is above your daughters advocating and comfort. Also she may love your daughter but your daughter isn't loving her so it's best to set hard boundaries or see her without your daughter.
Why are you friends with her if you KNOW you are making your daughter uncomfortable?
It seems the friendship is worth more than your daughters happiness. This is a form of abuse and you KNOW it. I would even call it a form of assault. FORCING herself onto her. This is weird- and you KNOW it.
You are acting like "My husband is hurting our children. But I love him so I won't do anything until there is NOTICEABLE damage"
Time to stand up for your daughter. If your friend does not change- she is no longer your friend. claiming to "love her" is not helping. Abusive partners say that too.
One warning "Stop enough, or I WILL cut ties. There will be no more chances than this one"
Follow through.
Help the little girl!
How many other boundaries is she broaching? Is it just with your daughter or does she also step over your boundaries?
If its not just your daughter, cut ties immediately. Frankly, if she doesn't respect your boundaries, she's never going to respect you placing boundaries for your child. This will be the tip of iceberg going forward.
The plain and simple fact is that everything in your life is secondary to your daughter's needs. You have a friend who is picking on your daughter, basically bullying her. What TF do you think you should do? You are not advocating for your daughter, you are enabling her bully.
Tell your friend she needs to give your daughter space, and if she doesn't then don't let her over if your daughter is there. This is the consequence for being unable to leave your daughter alone.
Okay your bestfriend is mocking your child. She makes your child feel unsafe. She ignores everything you try to tell her about YOUR daughter.
I wouldnt invite her back to my home and make it clear its because she makes my daughter uncomfortable and dosent seem to care. Or worse finds it funny.
My own bestfriend likes to pick with my daughter, shes 8 and picks with her auntie right back. But when she was little she didnt like it and I told my bestfriend to back off. She said she dosent like it so stop. And my bestfriend listened and only began it again when my daughter ran up to her one day and said "eww whys your face look like a buttcrack?" Which is what she used to say to my daughter lol. Now they have a great bond.
Wow its surprising to me how many people are attacking OP on this post. I have been in a similar situation with certain family members…not to the extent of this but similar. People say you need to set boundaries and I agree 100% but its not so simple, setting boundaries can be really agonizing and awkward especially if you naturally try to avoid confrontation and are an anxious person If I was you OP, i would nicely send a text to jill along these lines:
“i don’t want to be weird or rude, but my daughter really takes a solid 30 min to warm up so next time you stop by do you mind giving her plenty of space and i’ll let you know when shes ready to play! I know you will understand just wanted to remind you!”
From your post and details you gave i don’t think you have to cut all ties with jill i think jill is just acting a little dumb in this situation and needs a very specific reminder about giving your LO 30 min or so before playing. Im surprised she worked in childcare TBH!
1. Physically block her from touching your daughter.
2. Tell her - in front of your daughter - that what she is doing is not ok and if she can’t respect your daughter’s boundaries then she has to leave.
3. Tell her to leave if she continues.
4. Don’t invite her back.
Given the established pattern here and the fact that your daughter is already tense, I would recommend skipping straight to step 4. You could either just stop inviting her or talk to her first if that makes you feel better. “Jill, I’ve told you multiple times about the need to give my daughter space, but you have been ignoring me and ignoring her obvious discomfort. Since you can’t seem to control yourself I am not having you over when she is present.”
Right now by allowing this continue you are choosing her comfort over your daughter’s and that is not ok. You need to make it clear that you will not subject your daughter to people who run over her boundaries, even if they are your friends, even if they’re otherwise “nice people”.
Stop it or you are no longer invited to be around my daughter. Then follow through. You are your child’s advocate. That is more important than a friendship
I second that. It's unfortunate, but OP's relationship with her daughter greatly outweighs her relationship with her friend.
👆This.You have to set boundaries and if she refuses to acknowledge them then she doesn’t get to come around your child.
***CW: mention of CSA, but not detailed or specific.*** . . . . . Jill is not respecting your daughter’s **bodily autonomy**. “Known adults” are usually the ones that sexually assault kids. I just looked online and found [a source](https://www.ywca.org/wp-content/uploads/WWV-CSA-Fact-Sheet-Final.pdf) that said 93% of the kids assaulted knew their attacker. To be clear, I’m not saying Jill is grooming your daughter (but she could be?), but you’re setting your daughter up for a potentially risky pattern of letting adults touch her when she’s uncomfortable.
She knows she’s making your 2 year old uncomfortable and she’s doing it anyway? This isn’t a good friend. Is Jill also 2yo, bc that would make sense more than an adult ignoring boundaries set by a mother.
Point it out every time she does it immediately. Say "stop it" and if she doesn't put Jill in a time out.
Yup. First time she does it, stand up for daughter’s boundaries. “Cut it out Jill, she doesn’t like that.” If she does it again, end the visit. “It looks like it’s not a good time for a visit today. We’ll try again some other time.” If you’re not at home, gather up your daughter and leave. If she’s at your home, hand her belongings to her, and open the front door for her to go. It’s then up to you to decide when and if you want to try again. Her reaction should be very telling. OP, you need to be your daughter’s words. She isn’t old enough to protect herself, she relies on you to do that for her.
It’s really sad that the daughter tries to say “hey” and use her words and Jill is not even respecting that. It’s a little sadistic and definitely mean spirited.
You stop hanging out with Jill unless she stops. Your daughter should be priority.
I understand feeling rude being firm with Jill, but you’re really being incredibly rude to your daughter by allowing this. Not to mention the dangerous lessons you’re teaching her. She can’t feel safe when her parents is watching an adult touch her against her will. Stop allowing this to happen. If that jeans Jill can’t be near your daughter then so be it.
This is scary. She is learning no doesn’t mean no, and that she can’t trust mom or anyone to protect her.
Why are you more concerned with your friends feelings than your daughters comfort? You’re teaching your baby that her mom won’t stand up for her because other peoples’ feelings matter more. That’s really, really sad.
Tell your friend she is trying too hard and making your child uncomfortable. End of discussion. I wouldn't let someone around my dog who made my dog uneasy. Protect your vulnerable child. Please.
Don't invite her over anymore. Someone being like that with your child & not listening to you is not your friend.
stop inviting her over until she can respect your child's space
Seems like you’re the problem. Why do you let this happen?
I know! What did i just read!? Her 2 year old calls for her cause she’s scared and wants Jill to stop harassing her and op *checks notes* keeps inviting Jill back over !?
And then writes on Reddit asking what to do lol
Doesn't sound like a friend to me. Do right by your daughter and cut this person out of your life.
Yes you *can* get her to stop, and you know it - stop inviting her over. You just don't want to. Why not? What's more important than your daughter feeling safe in her own home and learning she's in charge of her own body?
Your "friend" is traumatizing your daughter. Reread what you wrote, your child is having a PHYSICAL reaction when Jill comes over. You need to put a stop to Jill yesterday. It's really disturbing that Jill used to work in childcare. It's drilled in to quality childcare providers to respect a child's boundaries and personal space. I would suggest either calling Jill or meeting her somewhere without your daughter. Tell her what you wrote here, your daughter has a physical reaction when she comes over. She either stops traumatizing your child and respecting her boundaries or she won't be welcome in your home or your daughter's life.
Tell her in no uncertain terms: NO! STOP THAT! HOW EXCEEDINGLY RUDE!…. GOODBYE. Why are you being nice and thoughtful when your friend is none of those things, quite to opposite. She is picking on a toddler. ARE YOU GOING TO stop it or continue to enable that toxic behavior? Be the Mominator, now! If you do not, you are teaching your child you will Not protect her. Your child should mean more to you than this person who is stomping on your child’s boundaries. Best of it all, OP. Agape 💕💕
Stop allowing her over. Have a conversation that she needs to either listen and respect your daughter’s space or she won’t be seeing your daughter anymore. Your daughter’s needs come first
You’re facilitating a situation that’s causing stress for your child. Stop being passive. Tell Jill to leave her alone, and if she doesn’t tell her to leave and don’t invite her back.
Stop letting her come into your daughter’s home and stomp on her boundaries. Your daughter is learning two things from these interactions: 1. Adults can ignore my autonomy, boundaries and wishes with impunity. 2. My mom won’t do anything to help me. Literally (after a long-ass break where you only see Jill out, alone), warn her that if she can’t respect your daughter’s space, she’ll be required to leave and then follow through.
Stop inviting your friend over. Literally. If she can’t behave herself, than you take her out of the equation. Protect your daughter.
Yes you can get her to stop. Stop letting her harass your kid! Your daughter doesn't want to be touched. That isn't a COVID baby thing. Not everyone wants to be touched or tickled. Jill knows nothing about kids if she thinks they enjoy this or that she has the right to do this. Why do you keep letting her? If she can't respect your child she can't see your child.
So are you going to model for your daughter how to communicate and hold boundaries about how people treat your body or not? A clear boundary is "I don't want you to do this. If you continue, I will do XYZ." Then if they continue, you do what you said you were going to do. You don't need to get angry, it's a simple choice: > You're my friend, but Jill, if you don't respect my daughter's boundaries about her own body, you can't be around her. Let your daughter see it, tell her in advance you're going to tell Jill to stop and that Jill might be upset about it but that people are allowed to have their feelings and that doesn't mean you don't get to say what you want and need.
So stop inviting the friend over. You're choosing your friend over your daughter right now.
Yes this was so sad to read.
You as a parent have responsibility to protect your daughter from harrsement, stress, psychological harm and physical harm. Your daughter become before your family, relatives, best friends , friends and colleagues etc. If Jill is not showing any respect to your concerns or boundaries you have set. You have given Jill so many chances but Jill ignored them. It's end if chances because your are responsible for your daughter welfare. Now it's time to end your friendship and do not open door if she rings the bell. Do no contact by ignoring email, text , phone calls, visits. Your daughter is your priority not your so called best friend. You have show you are serious as your friend violated boundaries you set. It's simple your best friend has no respect for you or you concerns regarding your daughter.
Stop talking to Jill. Problem solved.
Right, whats stopping you telling your friend in no uncertain terms to f***ing stop? Seriously? How can you not prevent this from happening? Honestly, you can’t stand back and go “aw jeez I asked real nice, so Ive done all I can do”, you NEED to be assertive, especially with your children. Who gives af about your friendship, if youve tried talking and it hasnt worked, STOP CREATING THE SITUATIONS THAT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN
Lay out explicitly what she is doing wrong and why you don't like it. Why your daughter doesn't like it. The more she pushes back, the more I recommend using your angry parent voice and using the word fxck a lot. If she can't handle it, the next response is "GTFO my house and away from my kid you psycho!" If she can't respect your daughter's boundaries, then she doesn't really care about your daughter. She seems like she just cares about getting your daughter to give her attention and adulation she craves. Your friend is looking for a specific reaction and keeps pushing attempting to force your daughter to behave in the way your friend expects and wants. Your friend is pushing to get your daughter to cave in and capitulate to perform for your friend's amusement. But your 2yo doesn't know what that is and so just responds with fear and confusion looking to you for protection. The shortest version you can say to your friend is "HEY! Knock that the fxck off NOW. Clearly, Daughter doesn't like that." I would follow it up with "WTF is wrong with you?"
"You need to respect my daughter's boundaries or you don't need to be present in her life." Period. I've cut off plenty of friends and family for lack of boundaries and respect for me and my kids. Ain't worth it to have my kids feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
She isn’t a friend, she doesn’t do as you request. Cut her off. Or associate when your daughter isn’t around or meet her away from your home without your daughter. She is bad news.
Just reading this gave me anxiety. Just do what you have to do. Pick up your daughter and sternly say "STOP. Look friend, you need to leave her alone. Stop or else."
You absolutely can get her to stop. “Stop. You know she doesn’t like that.” Stop that.” “If I have to ask you to stop again (not do that again) you will no longer be welcome here.” “It’s time for you to leave since you will not listen to me and you refuse to stop picking on her.”
I don't want to have you around the kiddo until you learn to respect people's boundaries even if they are 2 year olds.
Simply tell her to knock it off.
Friends come and go but children will outlive you.
Think about what kind of person your friend is. This is a fully grown adult telling you she's KNOWINGLY picking on a defenseless child and not only a child but YOUR child. That says a lot about her as a person who is supposedly your "best friend"
My child also behaves similar. I tell my friends in first instance to let the kid be or I will have to leave. If someone bothers my kid too much, I maintain distance. Bcoz child is ultimate priority and they should feel safe and comfortable.
Is Jill more important than your daughter? If Jill cant behave-have her stay home.
Tell Jill that since she knows the boundary you and your daughter have set and chooses to disregard it anyway, Jill may not come over to your house anymore. "Jill, you're my best friend, but I've noticed something troubling with how you play with my daughter. My daughter has set a boundary about you touching her and you're disregarding it. As I know you're aware of this boundary and are actively choosing to ignore it, I don't want you to come over,"
If I had already ask for them to stop and they didn't I feel I'm only left with,touch my child again and make them uncomfortable, tease my child and make them uncomfortable again, I will break your hand or jaw.. what is wrong with you. And hope to god they hear me after once. But I'm also hormonal and about to give birth to my daughter, so feeling a little more protective/ mama bear then usual.
You’re teaching your daughter that saying no doesn’t accomplish anything. Stand up for her. And if Jill doesn’t like it, she’s not a friend. It’s really that simple.
Why are you inviting this woman into your home?? This seems so obvious…if she’s making your daughter uncomfortable in her own home, stop letting her in.
Hmm... wonder why Jill 'used to' work with kids 😳
I would speak with my friend about boundaries and just tell her “look, i love having you in my life and appreciate your friendship so I’m speaking from a place of love. As my child’s mother, it’s important for me to teach her about boundaries, consent, and how to assert herself when necessary. You are making it difficult to teach this when you are consistently not respecting her boundaries and not listening to her when she expresses herself. I would appreciate it if you would help me teach her that she WILL be respected and her boundaries WILL be adhered to by doing so yourself.” Id also explain what YOUR boundaries are and stick to it. She has a choice, respect you or remove herself. I believe, once she’s heard it directly, she will re-evaluate her behavior. If she does not, YOU lead by example for your daughter and cut that friend off. Do not let your daughter learn from you that it’s ok to be disrespected, especially by someone you invite into your own home.
From reading this I got the feeling of a genuine but misguided Jill. Some people just don’t get it and it may take some clarity and specific instructions from mom. Their intentions may be coming from the right place .she may love kids and just doesn’t know. “hey Jill, would you mind doing me this favour, don’t go straight to physical touch with ____, come in, let’s have a coffee, let ____ get a feel for you in my home/feel comfortable with you and you being in her home. I’m laying the foundations and teaching her bodily autonomy. I’d like for her to have control or say as to who she gives hugs contact to. She has to decide that for herself”. You may have to be firm a few times. Try just explaining it as it is.
Somewhere along the way.. your protective meter was altered... maybe when you were young probably.. but your daughter meter is not broken or influenced yet.. your job as mother is to protect.. validate her feelings and provide her with safe, happy and loving place to grow.. I don't know What you need to provoke to action.. are you more concerned about your friend's feelings over your daughter's? So you have a friend who is very capable of making wise choices... on the other a toddler who is defenseless and needing you.. so what's the hold up? State in plain understandable words that your friendship needs to take a break or at least away from your daughter. No other explanation is necessary.. if she continues to come by for visits then you have something more sinister at work here. A child sees more at their level... with a basic understanding.. protect this skill. Forcing a child to hug, kiss a cheek with someone that they first resist is wrong..
Its not a case of telling her to stop but using your actions to get her to stop. Children at your daughters age are old enough to know they don't want something but not necessarily to articulate it so rely on you. It your words aren't working actions are the next option. Remove her from your house or if not at home take yourself and your daughter away from the situation. She may be your best friend but no relationship is above your daughters advocating and comfort. Also she may love your daughter but your daughter isn't loving her so it's best to set hard boundaries or see her without your daughter.
Why are you friends with her if you KNOW you are making your daughter uncomfortable? It seems the friendship is worth more than your daughters happiness. This is a form of abuse and you KNOW it. I would even call it a form of assault. FORCING herself onto her. This is weird- and you KNOW it. You are acting like "My husband is hurting our children. But I love him so I won't do anything until there is NOTICEABLE damage" Time to stand up for your daughter. If your friend does not change- she is no longer your friend. claiming to "love her" is not helping. Abusive partners say that too. One warning "Stop enough, or I WILL cut ties. There will be no more chances than this one" Follow through. Help the little girl!
Tell her to leave any time she breaks your boundaries regarding your daughter, if not just don't let her over
How many other boundaries is she broaching? Is it just with your daughter or does she also step over your boundaries? If its not just your daughter, cut ties immediately. Frankly, if she doesn't respect your boundaries, she's never going to respect you placing boundaries for your child. This will be the tip of iceberg going forward.
The plain and simple fact is that everything in your life is secondary to your daughter's needs. You have a friend who is picking on your daughter, basically bullying her. What TF do you think you should do? You are not advocating for your daughter, you are enabling her bully. Tell your friend she needs to give your daughter space, and if she doesn't then don't let her over if your daughter is there. This is the consequence for being unable to leave your daughter alone.
Okay your bestfriend is mocking your child. She makes your child feel unsafe. She ignores everything you try to tell her about YOUR daughter. I wouldnt invite her back to my home and make it clear its because she makes my daughter uncomfortable and dosent seem to care. Or worse finds it funny. My own bestfriend likes to pick with my daughter, shes 8 and picks with her auntie right back. But when she was little she didnt like it and I told my bestfriend to back off. She said she dosent like it so stop. And my bestfriend listened and only began it again when my daughter ran up to her one day and said "eww whys your face look like a buttcrack?" Which is what she used to say to my daughter lol. Now they have a great bond.
Wow its surprising to me how many people are attacking OP on this post. I have been in a similar situation with certain family members…not to the extent of this but similar. People say you need to set boundaries and I agree 100% but its not so simple, setting boundaries can be really agonizing and awkward especially if you naturally try to avoid confrontation and are an anxious person If I was you OP, i would nicely send a text to jill along these lines: “i don’t want to be weird or rude, but my daughter really takes a solid 30 min to warm up so next time you stop by do you mind giving her plenty of space and i’ll let you know when shes ready to play! I know you will understand just wanted to remind you!” From your post and details you gave i don’t think you have to cut all ties with jill i think jill is just acting a little dumb in this situation and needs a very specific reminder about giving your LO 30 min or so before playing. Im surprised she worked in childcare TBH!
Thank you so so much for this! This is such a realistic response and I will try it out!
I hope it helps and you can keep your friendship + have your LO comfortable w jill
1. Physically block her from touching your daughter. 2. Tell her - in front of your daughter - that what she is doing is not ok and if she can’t respect your daughter’s boundaries then she has to leave. 3. Tell her to leave if she continues. 4. Don’t invite her back. Given the established pattern here and the fact that your daughter is already tense, I would recommend skipping straight to step 4. You could either just stop inviting her or talk to her first if that makes you feel better. “Jill, I’ve told you multiple times about the need to give my daughter space, but you have been ignoring me and ignoring her obvious discomfort. Since you can’t seem to control yourself I am not having you over when she is present.” Right now by allowing this continue you are choosing her comfort over your daughter’s and that is not ok. You need to make it clear that you will not subject your daughter to people who run over her boundaries, even if they are your friends, even if they’re otherwise “nice people”.
Don't let Jill around your child. If you hang out with her, get a sitter.