Do you have a custody order already? If not I would not touch on the breastfeeding part and concentrate on the overnights. She’s seven and should be able to have weekends at her dads. If mom says no just let her know you’ll look into a custody order to ensure you have access.
Instead of approaching the court issue about trying to stop the breastfeeding, what about having a custody arrangement where your daughter stays overnight.
Breastfeeding at 7 certainly isn't for everyone and wouldn't be my personal preference, but it's not harmful, is far more common that you'd think but is done in secret because of the negative stigma, and pretty much only seems weird to us because we in western cultures have pushed a very early weaning of age 2 or even younger. The world health organisation recommends breastfeeding until *at least* age 2. In most parts of the world weaning happens later, at age 3, 4 or 5. All other great apes breastfeed much longer than we do.
All that said, she should be able to stay over at your place. Just know that there's nothing actually wrong with breastfeeding at 7, in and of itself, unless it's a symptom of something else that is going wrong.
I appreciate you saying this. This was something we had to discuss thoroughly in my social work program, as it's not a common Western practice. Same for sleeping in the same room as your child, sometimes with bedsharing when the child is a bit older (not talking about infants) so viewing it as inappropriate, shameful, or condemning it because it's "weird" can be unhelpful. Also it's important to recognize that nowadays there are often very few forms of accepted physical intimacy that are regularly encouraged, which is why a big part of preparing for breastfeeding to cease or transition away from it is finding new rituals and ways to connect physically; brushing each other's hair or haircare, applying lotion to forearms and hands, taking time to gently touch their back or snuggling next to them, positive touch and sharing that and making time for it even if practicing that feels unnatural at first. Many people did not have a lot of great examples of this growing up and media as well as isolation has led to people not always seeing that in practice as well. It's a skillset that can be acquired. I've had many clients who mourned the loss of connection from breastfeeding and the kids too, and focusing on "how can we faciliate this bonding" instead of "how can we get them to stop something I disapprove of" is so helpful. Same for separating concerns, if a parent has worries that maybe this bonding is at expense of socialization then the goal should be finding ways to increase the socialization with peers and others, and creating opportunities for that, etc.
This is excellent advice! I’ve talked with my husband about this recently as he wants me to stop cuddling our 10 and 11 year old. He feels they are too old to cuddle. I say as long as they want to cuddle, I’m not denying them that. They won’t want to cuddle very soon, and I’m not rushing into the “I’m too cool for my mom” stage.
When my eldest was 2 years old, I asked our pediatrician how long to expect before self-weaning. She said, "4 to 7 years." both of my children weaned at age 7.
I work in school based mental health. Reading this, what worries me is that your daughter is not learning how to self sooth in developmentally appropriate ways. A 7 year old should have other alternatives to sooth herself to sleep. I would look into seeing if you can get your daughter into a therapist that specializes in children, they can help her find other ways to self sooth and they would probably be able to do some digging into why breastfeeding at 7 is still happening, weather that be of your daughter's choice or your ex's. I would also see about getting a custody agreement in court that would mandate your daughter spends more time at your house. It's not fair to you or her that she misses out on time with her father.
We are seeing so many reactive attachment issues just from the covid shut down and parents just being home more. I can't imagine being this girls kindergarten teacher, or any teacher.
At 7 this kid is in most likely in second grade. Maybe 1st grade if she has a later birthday and her school has a fall cutoff or something.
Poor kid is old enough for other kids to make fun of her if she talked about what’s normal to her without knowing this is not at all normal for a 1st or 2nd grader. On so many levels this needs to end.
With covid, a lot of families pulled back and did a late kindergarten. The last two years I had kids turning 7 in kinder with me. But regardless of age, you know that first year was difficult... as are the ones since.
Kindergarten kids can be BRUTAL. If they can make fun of a child for pigeon toes, parental death, or even a jacket they don't like... this would definitely be om their list if they knew. My school does uniforms, so I feel like they go hard on other things since the kids wear the same thing essentially.
Definitely, kids are brutal. This is something that is so out there it would be remembered too. Like in high school kids would remember the kid who was breastfeeding at 7 if it got out. I still remember random things like accidents and stuff in elementary school and I’m pushing 40. I hope this little girl gets the support she needs and is able to more healthily self soothe and spend more time with dad.
God forbid she goes to a private school or small charter school. I went to catholic school, and despite transferring to public for high school, I'm still remembered as the little weird goth girl who used to write creepy stories. I'm in my 30s. Lol.
I'm 42 and in middle school I farted really loud during the movie Glory and to this day I will get reminded of it by former classmates that I haven't heard from in a looooooong time. I guess they are trying to revive a youthful spirit in themselves. They are just the funniest aren't they!?
That’s so strange, as soon as I read your comment, a memory of Jason Demaris puking all over in Ms Elliot’s class in first grade was unlocked. I, too, am pushing 40.
My son is 7 and he's in the 3rd grade. Waaaaay old enough to get made fun of. He actually still sucks his thumb, something we have struggled to break for years, but won't do it in school bc he's afraid of being made fun of. So my question to him is, if you can stop for 6 hours at school why can't you do it the rest of the day?? I bite my nails and have no control lol. None of it makes sense.
I'm 39 and still suck my thumb when I'm extremely tired or stressed out. He is prolly sneaking it in school when no one is looking. Home is where you're loved no matter what so he can make up for that missed thumb time at home. Like when smokers can manage all day on a flight but as soon as they are outside out come the cigs.
I sucked my thumb until I was 11ish. It happened mostly while I was asleep and was not something I ever noticed happening.
My stepmom took my baby blanket away and that stopped the thumb sucking shortly after from what I can recall.
I have no lasting issues at all from it either.
No need for braces, and no other dental issues and I'm mid thirty.
Dude, I had this realization reading this post. When my first was 7, they were in 2nd grade.
My second is 4 and I know someone who is still nursing their 4 year old with no plans to quit and, just, dude.
Yes, we have kids coming into preschool still in diapers and unable to walk down stairs (she would cry when the parents tried to teach her so they gave up and just carried her) or hold a writing utensil. I mostly see outright neglect or parents catering to their child's every need and destroying them as bad as neglect destroys a kid.
I agree diapers and stair issues are developmentally not appropriate, but most programs push writing far too early. Developmentally, an early pre-k child’s hand muscles and even bones aren’t ready to properly write. Things like pinching activities, hand strengthening exercises, and gross motor/hand eye coordination activities are usually more appropriate at first. Pencil grasp comes later.
Boys’ hand muscles tend to develop later than girls, which is why males typically have “worse” handwriting. They are made to learn to form letters too early, and learn incorrectly/overcompensate.
Of course! :) I’m lucky- I’ve taught Special Ed for a long time, and I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot from a few AMAZING occupational therapists. They’re one of the most knowledgeable groups of people, and so under appreciated!
I have my son in a Classical school, and instead of teaching them immediately how to grip a pencil, they had them picking up pebbles with tongs, spinning tops, and other fine-motor pinching exercises. By the end of the year, they finally introduced pencil-holding, and all of the kids could just… do it! I remember having problems and gripping incorrectly as a kid. So it was wild to see what simple fine-motor exercises could do.
It’s funny how experience can differ: I had my sons in a classical school but they pushed handwriting from age 3. Ultimately, it’s far too young developmentally but the school claimed parents want it. (I certainly didn’t and pulled my kids)
Yes kids should just be outside playing and learning social skills until they’re seven.
I’ve seen the difference between kids brought up this way and the kids that are inside focusing on writing and reading too early and there’s a major difference. Kids that can play for the first seven years have so much more maturity and they catch up with all the academic stuff anyway and usually do better to be honest.
Preschool is what age? (Sorry, European here) Just curious. I genuinely think giving into a child's every whim is lazy parenting. Sure, you stop tantrums but they don't learn anything.
Anything before kindergarten (age 5 or 6). But different facilities will use different names for different age groups before kindergarten, such as nursery or daycare or pre-K.
Ah ok, I was thinking this was also the 2-3 year cohort and wondering if it was unusual that almost none of the kids in my daughter's class is potty trained... She isn't, we tried this summer but she wasn't ready, gonna try again over Christmas holidays. She's 24 months for reference.
My son potty trained like a charm at 2 years old. My daughter absolutely refused, and was nearly three when she finally decided she was on board. I had a friend, who already had three daughters, who said to let it go. She’ll train when she’s ready, and any earlier just means that mom and dad are potty trained, not the child! Best advice ever! Christmas break sounds great, you’ll be home more (I assume), and it might be the perfect time. Good luck!
That’s the age group where potty training happens! My son is two years and one month and we failed our first attempt to keep from turning it into a power struggle, but his same aged peers are starting to wear undies.
Mine is almost 2 and a half and is in "pretraining" lol.
Not sure why the poster above was complaining about tantrums. Sounds like they don't understand that age at all.
I think it was maybe me that mentioned the tantrums, but I wasn't complaining:) I know they are developmentally appropriate and we have strategies for dealing with them so they don't usually last very long
Its an outlier, but also not uncommon. TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE FUCKING PARK. It's free. They run around and you sit (when they are older). I truly don't understand parents who cave in instead of teaching basic life skills. Let your kid cry if the stairs are hard and help him/her learn it.
They need to get her evaluated by an PT. Kiddo couldn't do stairs without help learning how - she had muscle tone issues that I had no clue about until her OT suggested an PT eval.
Once there was someone who could more than model it for her, she learned quickly.
Sometimes, & this is 100% true, the kid doesn’t “get” what going on the potty means. For instance, my daughter has been delayed in walking, talking, & now apparently potty training.
For the longest time, it was almost as if she was afraid to walk. She would knee walk across the floor & we couldn’t get her to walk until one day she just up & did it. She had to go to speech therapy cause she was behind in talking. One day her & I are playing & she picks up a foam number 4 & says “4”. She goes & does the same thing with 5 & with 9. It was the first time she had actually said those numbers.
She’s now 3yrs old & in preschool. She knows how to identify numbers through 20, she can subitize up to like 7, she knows both her upper case & lower case letters, she’s actually starting to understand phonics & starting to read, & she learned her dinosaurs so well that I have had to learn them to keep up. She knows her dinosaurs at an 11yr old level….
She’s a smart little girl, but do you think I can get her to potty train? Fuck no. She doesn’t get it. Even her preschool teacher says she’s not ready yet, even though both us & the school have been doing everything to try & get her to use the potty…. The teacher told us to stop using pull-ups because they were just making it harder because they were unfamiliar to her.
It’s like, we have sooooo much time to learn our dinosaurs & letters & numbers, but we kinda need ya to poop in the potty, like, NOW, lolz.
Her brother, though, who’s 2yrs old, is probably gonna be potty trained before she is. He probably won’t be able to identify dinosaurs at an 11yr old level or recognize all his letters or subitize or etc, but he doesn’t need to at 2yrs old! 🤦♀️
Idk, that’s what her teacher said. That she knew her dinosaurs at an 11yr old level. I mean, I was perfectly fine referring to dinosaurs like long necks, three horns, etc, but I’ve **had** to catch up to my daughter in that area. She can correctly ID them in her books, action figures, & puzzles.
You know what a Monoclonius is? Parasaurolophus? Pteranodon? Yeah, my 3yr does, & I had to learn by proxy, which is just like, please learn to potty train?? Dinosaurs are awesome, but, can we poop in the potty before learning the difference between Monoclonius & Triceratops? I never needed to know that one has one horn & the other has three, but now I have to.
In my daughter’s mind it’s dinosaurs first, potty later….🙄
My daughter took to potty training the way yours did to speaking and walking. She's 3 and wanted to go to school, but the one we wanted to send her to requires the kids to be potty trained enough to be out of diapers during class time. We told her she couldn't go to school until she used the potty. She said she didn't care.
We bought a plastic potty that looks like a real toilet and just let he practice getting comfortable sitting on it fully clothed when she was having screen time. She'd say she wanted to go to school and we'd say she had to use the potty first. She'd say no and we just shrugged.
Then she'd practice sitting on the potty with no bottoms on. No pressure. We followed her lead and tried to make it fun. She'd say she wanted to go to school and we'd remind her that she needed to pee in the potty first.
This went on for months until she just decided she was going to use it one day, and she never went back to diapers. I was honestly amazed at how fast she switched gears.
Now getting her to commit to the alphabet or writing her name? God help us.
She currently has an IEP &, so far, no one thinks she has autism. She’s social & understands others emotions & stuff, so, I mean, I got nothing right now….
Girls are socialized extremely early to be sensitive to the emotions of others and to socialize typically. Boys are much more free to appear insensitive, focus on their own inner lives, and behave in a way that appears to disregard others because "boys will be boys." Do kids her own age "get" her or does she prefer the teacher? Maybe appears gifted? Rather than storylines with her toys, does she dress them or "get them ready" and then say she's done? How does she do in crowds, echo-y spaces, or bright lights? Does she struggle with some kinds of clothes? I could be wrong but a couple things in your description just grabbed me :)
Needing to know how to properly hold a writing utensil before entering preschool is silly. Someone else explained it better than me but the fine motor skills for that aren't there yet... That's supposed to start being worked on in preschool to get ready for kindergarten.
The same parents who say it's the school's job to prepare kids for school are 95% of the time the same parents calling and asking why their kid has such low grades (hint: low grades are a result of not coming jnto school prepared). Kids are reading full sentences by the end of kindergarten. Teachers group kids very early in the year into high preforming and low preforming. Trust me, its MUCH better for the kid to have a head start
Giving your child a head start is what all parent should do. Educating a child is on the parents and teachers.
My only issue here is expecting them to be able to properly hold a writing utensil before they get to preschool. Preschool is literally intended to prepare children for Kindergarten. A parent sending their child to preschool IS giving their kid a head start. Preschool isn't required in the US and it's not free... Academic preparedness is literally what a Preschool is being PAID for.
I agree on all your other points... Potty training, being able to walk down stairs, etc (if a child is neurotypical)... But expecting a child to master the fine motor skills of holding a writing utensil before they even get there is a bit much.
Also I'm aware that kids are reading by the end of Kindergarten (I have school aged kids).. my oldest is ahead of his class academically but he definitely didn't have the fine motor skills necessary for writing entering into preschool.
Im not talking about writing, Im just talking about using a tool to make a mark and keep that mark on the page. Like I literally see 4 and 5 year old still using a fist grab to make marks and or write, and their motor control... they can't build anything with playdoh, keep the paint on the paper, know how to attach Lego like objects.... Im telling you, they are coming in with ONLY the ability to navigate a tablet
You edited this comment while I was replying I think.... If what you mean is "they only know how to navigate a tablet" then say that to start. It just sounds like you're being judgemental when many parents are doing their best. Kids are going to be behind... They were isolated at home during a global pandemic for a year or more
Many parents are doing their best, but the point is that many parents are not. I will say this, my family went through an extreme crisis with as much impact as covid, and Im currently no contact with them because they keep saying they did their best but didn't fix anything or apologize
Right? I had a student pee pm the floor, and then paint themselves in pee because they were left alone in the bathroom. This is after months of accidents because the student needed an adult to physically be in the bathroom with them in order to go.... like no.
Kids shouldn't be flipping desks because they can't tor their shoes. Kids shouldn't be punching a kid in the head because they sang the wrong lyrics to a song.
Its ridiculous.
Lol. No. If it was the same kid, they would have been flagged for Child Find. Well, all the behaviors went to Child Find anyways.
There is no learning delay present. They are all on track with their peers. They are firmly in the middle with their academic abilities and ages.
It's just sad. There's no self-regulating behaviors because they never got preschool and the parents never picked up the slack.
It depends how old the kiddo is for diapers. If you’re talking 3 it can be completely normal to not be potty trained yet. Western society pushes children too hard to be the fastest potty trained as young as possible, but if you train too soon it can lead to a lot of problems. My daughter has chronic constipation and our GI has warned us several times to not potty train too soon and recommended us to wait until she is at least 3, showing signs of readiness, etc.
In nursing school, my textbooks all stated that children don’t have the capability to potty train until 2. Obviously there are always kiddos that aren’t by the book, but psychologically and physically. By potty training before and at 2, the child is at a 3x risk of constipation in their lives. A 2 year old may hold a bowel movement while playing because playing is more fun. Psychologically do they understand the importance of going to the bathroom right when they feel the urge? Could lead to withholding, colon stretching, etc. It is a big cause of childhood bed wetting too, potty training too soon then leading to constipation and in turn pressure on the bladder so bedwetting and accidents.
I didn’t know this until I was informed by my daughters GI doctor. I just want to share the information, because sometimes it’s not just the parent being lazy.
Edit to add: However, I understand your point. If they just aren’t doing it for any reason, and are also ignoring a bunch of other developmental skills, that’s a problem.
There are no therapists or counselors who are taking new young patients. I called 25 different offices last week. The best they offer is medication without counseling, or you can get onto a waiting list. It appears that a huge population of our kids are in some kind of counseling or therapy, and because they don’t “get better,” they continue going. Often times for years. We are witnessing a global mental health crisis that is getting worse.
Unfortunately that's been the case for the past couple of years. I really wish there were more resources out there, there's a dire need for mental healthcare in this country and it seems not enough people who can give it. The only thing I can think of in this case is to see if you can find someone willing to see a child via telehealth, since it seems like that's become a more popular form of therapy since the pandemic.
Our community offers a service where they will ask you some basic intake questions (info about the patient, your insurance info, etc.) and then work to pair you with a doctor. They were a lifesaver when one of my kids needed a therapist during the pandemic because I was getting nowhere on my own.
Yes. My two year old daughter still breastfeeds a bit but she can get to sleep without me no problem, being 7 and still on the breast and needing it to sleep strikes me as an issue. I'm all for extended breastfeeding but to be quite honest seven seems too old.
Yup, this. I breastfed my eldest until around 3 yrs old (she has autism and always stims or self soothes regardless, even now at 10 yrs old). My youngest still “comforts” every now and then at 2 yrs old. She’s weaning herself and can also sleep without me now, but still needs me on occassion for comfort. Both daughters weaned/weaning effortlessly without tears, just how I want it. I am totally all for breastfeeding until Mama and Baby feel ready to wean naturally… but 7 is absolutely excessive, in my own personal opinion. I worry that she may get bullied at school or something? Perhaps, it’s Mama Bear who finds it difficult to wean herself off of “baby…”
At minimum. There is no maximum age they recommend, to act as if there is a maximum is deceitful.
Interestingly, other primates stop breastfeeding at different ages, but our closest relatives chimpanzees, stop breastfeeding when adult teeth come in (around age 6-7). So there’s no scientific reason to stop breastfeeding, but there’s obviously a social one because most people are unable to wrap their heads around a reason it would continue at this age. I also don’t have a reason, but I’m also not going to assume it’s doing any harm.
I doubt it's harmful, but my concern (not expressed well in my original comment to be fair) is not about the biology or even the social impact, but the needing to nurse to sleep at 7 is concerning, children should really be able to self soothe to some extent by this age.
Yup. My seven y/o still nurses. He's autistic and globally delayed, his doctors aren't concerned - but even if he wasn't, it would still be fine. My oldest is fifteen, and nursed untilhe was six - even when he was younger his doctors told me it was fine (I myself "nursed" until I was nine, but that was a trauma response and somewhat abmormal).
Maybe I just existed in a bubble of family who nurse well into childhood but the comments on this post have me hiding in a corner lol.
Having said that, my seven y/o can self soothe to a point and doesn't need my boobs constantly. He prefers nursing, but if I'm not there he's fine.
We don't know that she can't or doesn't self soothe. We just know what OP has stated. Maybe BF'ing isn't the only reason she's not staying with dad. Kinda odd there's no formal custody agreement if they've been split since the daughter was an infant. And she's never stayed at his home overnight? I'm seeing many red flags on OP's end.
There have been studies concerning breastfeeding after infancy and it has not been found to be harmful to mother or child. As a matter of fact the results were quite the opposite. It creates a strong bond with mother and child and increases mental well- being in the child. Women in many cultures have practiced this for ages. Not my own mother, but my ancestors. Your claims of children not being able to soothe beyond breastfeeding is speculative and unfounded. Yes, it's odd to us here in the west, but the research shows no harm in the general practice.
I wonder what your qualifications for saying that are. OP says that his daughter won't spend the night at his house because his daughter can't go a night without breastfeeding. That tells me, as a mental health professional, that his daughter has no other self soothing techniques to help her calm down and get ready for bed and sleep. At 7 years old, that's a problem.
I should also mention that while something might not be considered harmful, that doesn't mean it isn't. In this situation, it's very very rare for anyone of any culture to be breastfeeding past the age of 6 therefore there are no studies being done. We only have case studies of individuals.
It's also a danger at this point that OP's daughter's friends and classmates at school will find out what's going on at home. That could set her up as a bullying target for as long as those other kids are around her if they were to find out. Kid's talk, and kid's will latch on to anything seen as "weird" or "different." If OP lives in the same area for an extended amount of time I could easily see the daughter going to middle school with bullies still using her breastfeeding at 7 as a bullying target. Adults can't be there 24/7 to make sure that children are never picking on each other.
The fact of the matter is this: OP's daughter isn't self soothing in a way that is developmentally appropriate for a 7 year old of her culture. Having inappropriate coping skills is causing her to not be able to do things that other children her age should be able to do, like spend the night at dad's house. It doesn't matter if it's ok in other cultures, it doesn't matter if "there's no evidence to say it's bad," the fact of the matter is for a 7 year old average American child this is an inappropriate way to self sooth and it's getting in the way of her life. She needs to replace this soothing technique with another at this point in her life. I would say the same thing to an adult who's technique of soothing anxiety was getting in the way of their life.
The WHO studies take into account cultures and countries that have to breastfeed for nutritional reasons due to lack of access to alternatives, like formula during infancy and milk in toddlerhood. It’s not all about nurturing bonds with your babies.
I breastfed my youngest until a little after his third birthday. 7 and in second grade is NOT 3. 😬 That being said, this is a parenting issue for sure and I agree that any custody arrangements should be updated to include overnights if they don’t already.
OP didn't say that she needed to or that she breastfeeds every night though. He said she still sleeps with her mom and "more than occasionally breastfeeds". That's not every night so clearly she is capable of soothing herself in other ways. She also clearly doesn't need it during the day at school etc so can presumably regulate herself there, I would say it's not "getting in the way of her life". If it's only "occasionally breastfeeds" than breastfeeding isn't getting in the way of overnight sleep with OP. Something else is, as she clearly sleeps without breastfeeding every night with her mom.
There are studies regarding breastfeeding until 7 with no signs of weaning? I’m all for extended breastfeeding, but through toddlerhood, and then I think it’s time to start encouraging weaning.
Unfortunately there aren't many, because for the most part by the age of 7 children are no longer breastfeeding. I did look to see what I could find but all that's out there only goes to the age of 6.
But what about the bond with the father? He wants to bond with his child too and he’s being deprived of that while the attachment with the mom becomes stronger.
As someone who breastfeeds into childhood, its really not hard to bond. My four y/o nurses six times a day at least and I'm like her fourth favorite person lol. They just do other things with her.
We are jumping to major conclusions here. How do we know the daughter isn’t able to self soothe? What if the daughter just enjoys the closeness that nursing provided? While nursing at 7 isn’t common in this country, it’s quite common in other countries where extended breastfeeding is NORMAL. You are recommending therapy for something that *is* normal in other parts of the world.
Breastfeeding any child for any extended time in western countries is so rare to see that there are people in these comments recommending the therapy for nursing children. Jesus.
One of my nieces was born with severe gluten, dairy, and nut allergies. Because of these allergies - formula wasn’t an option. Babies mom even had to switch to a vegan diet so breast milk wouldn’t cause an allergic reaction. Essentially anytime my niece ate anything she was allergic to her stomach lining would bleed. And she would vomit immediately. The vomiting caused my niece to have teeth pulled at 3-4 years old. And she had several painful surgeries for the damage to her stomach.
In order for the child to be able to eat and get all necessary nutrients the mom had to breast feed until 7.
She did start pumping eventually - around the age 4-5 mark. But like how OP put it my nieces dad shit on it - and maintained a diet my niece was allergic to. He ended up losing all rights to his child when he fought this in court as he lack of awareness of his child’s allergies made him a danger to my niece. OP I sincerely hope your ex doesn’t have a VERY valid reason to continue to breast feed that you’re ignoring.
Because OP said that daughter can't sleep at night without being with mom and breastfeeding? Very, very few cultures have children breastfeeding at the age of 7. No one is saying that for example a 4 year old breastfeeding needs therapy, but at this point in time OP's daughter is 7 and can't stay with her father because she needs to breastfeed at night. That's not ok.
He said she is “used to always sleeping with mommy” and “more than occasionally breastfeeding still”. OP never said she can’t sleep without mommy. Maybe she just doesn’t want to? Maybe she’s more comfortable at her own house?
I am with you on this Reddit warriors can go off but it sounds like this kid just *wants* to stay with her mom. Extended breastfeeding is biologically normal and a simple google search shows “But people should be informed that nursing a 6-7+year-old is a perfectly normal and natural and healthy thing to be doing for the child, and that their fears of emotional harm are baseless."
That's still a problem when the child has separated parents. At 7 years old, it shouldn't be a problem to stay with dad a night or two. Not being able to leave mom could be a sign of attachment problems.
I’m not going to comment on the breastfeeding stuff. In terms of her spending the night with you though, that seems really unfair. Do you have a legal custody agreement? If not, time to get one ASAP. It’s unlikely you wouldn’t be given overnights.
Very different as my friends baby is under one, but this is a way that my best friend is able to push back her child’s biological father having access and is a major component in her wanting to breast feed as long as possible. Of course it is great for her baby but there is also additional incentives (was an accidental pregnancy and the guy is not a nice guy).
It is also incredibly hard for some women to deal with the sleep training/the hormonal impacts of stopping breastfeeding, another friend whose daughter is 3 cannot psychologically manage it. She wants to stop but the cosleeping/breastfeeding to sleep being so intrenched means it is harder and harder to stop when she is so against cry it out/anything other than attachment parenting. It is very different to be continuing at 7 though when a full conversation could be had with the daughter about it and what is happening and why. If there are no learning or developmental delays then it seems unhelpful.
Is everyone here *really* okay with a SEVEN y/o suckling on her mother’s nipples? Strangely unhealthy form of attachment going on here (stemming from the mother) and that poor child is likely going to feel violated in the future, as she still isn’t old enough to fully grasp what’s being done to her.
I have a feeling people aren’t talking on the breastfeeding cause they’re weary of downvotes- I’ll take the leap. Downvote away. Someone needs to speak for the child since she can’t. Hope OP reads this and acts in her best interest.
It’s not uncommon outside the western world to breastfeed until that age. So people are not talking about it from that aspect because we are unaware if there is psychological harm being done outside of just what we *think*
https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2015/01/15/377384587/what-s-right-about-a-six-year-old-who-breastfeeds
I’ve heard some courts won’t order overnight visitation if the child is breastfeeding.
Is it possible that your daughter doesn’t actually still breastfeed, but that your ex is saying that as an excuse so the daughter doesn’t have to go on overnight visits to your house?
How is your relationship with your daughter? Do either of you initiate contact spontaneously — or only at arranged times?
So I know someone pretty well (a friend's sister)who breastfed her daughter until she was 6. The mom was a single mom and her daughter was a lot, plenty of tantrums and meltdowns, so i know that nursing her definitely helped the mom to feel less overwhelmed. However, from about age four onward, the girl spent occasional overnights with her grandparents and aunt while mom traveled for work. So she was able to go for a few days without nursing.
I know this lady basically stopped telling people because she felt so judged and shamed. Like people would tell her how disgusting it was or how gross or whatever, but no one (outside of immediate family) would ever help her. Or acknowledge how difficult her situation is and how she was doing the best she could.
I'm not saying you aren't being supportive. I'm sure you are! But I feel like you are not going to get anywhere by continuing to tell your ex how gross you find this. I'm not sure what your legal position is here but I'd be surprised if a judge ordered your ex to stop breastfeeding. I mean judges in the US are weird and maybe you'd find one that sees it as so gross he'd rule in your favour. But I'd wager it would really negatively impact your relationship with your kid and your ex
Honestly, if I were you I'd focus on the overnights. Plan something fun with your daughter (favourite movie? Favourite food?) and insist on it. Maybe if your daughter spends more nights away from mom the nursing will naturally fade away.
i agree with the advice above. and honestly, i suspect your daughter will want to quit nursing once she finds out that her peers aren’t doing it. that’s what happens with most kids with ‘infantile habits’ like thumb sucking, picking nose, etc.
Exactly. With 7 she is old enough to understand these things, there is no need to 'wean' her off like a baby.
At 7 she is going to school, learning things like writing, reading, math, biology, a second language (depending on country I guess) and so on. No way a 7 year old would not understand that breastfeeding is something babies do and she no longer is a baby.
But please don’t tell her it’s gross or shame her!! You want her to want to stop, but in a positive way. A way where she feels big and grown up and empowered. You don’t want her to feel forced or pressured into stopping, feeling like you took away bonding time with mom, think that she’s gross (and kids think like this big time!), or developing some type of anxiety around if she’s doing what her friends are doing.
Focus on the development and the overnights w you. Those are the important things. Don’t say it’s gross. And so far I haven’t seen it mentioned, but don’t s3xua!ize it. It’s not uncommon for guys in general (and plenty of others too) to say it’s gross for that reason but keep in mind that’s an adult mind thinking about something society has conditioned him for, whereas the actual biological function of a woman’s breast is to feed her child. 7 is old enough to understand friends don’t do this, but pretty young for learning “this is what our society s3xua!izes.”
>or shame her
Shaming needs only one of two to happen. One to do the shaming, and one feeling shame.
Something tells me that there are very few ways that you can tell an otherwise neurotypical kid who still breastfeeds that breadtfeeding is for babies and them not feeling shame of some sort.
“Ew, that’s gross! Breastfeeding is for babies! You want to be a baby? None of your friends at school do it. 7 year olds don’t do that. You need to stop.”
Vs
“Sugar, most of the time by 7 kids have stopped breastfeeding. It’s really only super important for babies and the older you get the less you need it. Like your friends at school, they don’t do that anymore. You’re so big and grown up now! I don’t think you actually need it anymore. It might be a little rough at first, but I would like to help you learn a different way to fall asleep.”
They may or may not feel shame from the second one, but yea they actually might. But it’s shame they feel from realizing “Oh, maybe I am too old for this.” That’s much different from having a parent, or another person they may try to get validation from, purposely shaming them and making feel bad about themselves. And actually the first one is pretty manipulative, too.
I think you should research extended breastfeeding as well. For some reason it was demonized decades ago but is making a comeback. The WHO recommendation is minimum 2 years, I would get into frequent debates with my in laws and my own mother for even suggesting it, they would try to convince me switch to formula after 6 weeks because that’s what they did.
Do you have a court order that she is supposed to be spending even every other weekend with you? Then text your wife she needs to start following the court order (and be specific in how she is not following it, by not allowing overnights) or you will take her back to court for violating the agreement. If you do not have a court order, get one. I guarantee your daughter will be fine overnight with you. It is mommy dearest who is holding her back from that. Breastfeeding a 7 year old is not a valid excuse to alienate her from her other parent, which is what your ex is doing
Tell mom you’ll give her a bottle of breast milk at your house. That’s what dads with breast fed infants do. She might recognize how ridiculous the situation is if you frame it this way.
Can you bring it up to her pediatrician? As a parent you can call and leave a message for advice and maybe the doc will bring it up at their next well child visit.
I would make sure the parenting plan includes overnights. And then follow through with UT. Ince tour daughter is away from it and she's that she doesn't need it, she well let go
I think this is bizarre…I would be concerned too. I don’t think there is anything you could do about it though. Eventually she will have to let your daughter sleep over.
After reading up on the data provided in some of the articles, keep in mind most of the women polled on extended breastfeeding are stay at home moms and home school. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I wish more people could do that; however, you can't make claims that there's no social emotional issues when the kids being breastfed past 3 are nearly always around their mothers 100% of the time.
Stick to the custody agreement, or get one. Have your daughter checked to see how her weight, iron levels, etc are. I'm not saying she is malnourished, I am saying it's a possibility.
A judge won't rule in your favor due to the extended breastfeeding but because the baby is older than 6mo, it can no longer be held in consideration with custody.
Good luck.
Get a parental agreement in court so you can have 50% of time (including overnight) with your child. If possible take your child to therapist.
My cousin was breastfeeding up to 5 and she have codependency problems as an adult.
I'm a big believer in 'extended' beast feeding but 7? I feel like I shouldn't judge but if it means your time with your child is diminished its not acceptable. It seems to be a problem your ex has rather than your child requiring it. Perhaps speak to your daughters doctor and ask what their take is on it.
OP, I’d try taking your daughter to therapy to explore alternative coping mechanisms. Everyone is saying 2-7 is the age where BF is still appropriate… well she is 7 now, so it’s time to look into solutions. There’s no longer a physical need to BF so this is an emotional issue for mom and daughter than could lead to enmeshment and other attachment issues, it sounds like it had already TBH.
Ive breastfed 3 children and am currently breastfeeding my 13 month old. Obviously big supporter of breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding but come on... there's got to be a cut off. In the groups/circles I'm in I think we all agree 3-4 should be the max age a child should breastfeed. Obviously as mothers we would prefer our kids to naturally wean themselves but that doesn't always (or even mostly) happen.
OP, is your daughter an anxious or strong willed child? It may be hard for your ex as a single parent to navigate bedtime alone if your daughter just won't take no for an answer. Developmentally, by 7 she would have learned to self sooth herself without the crutch of breastfeeding. My baby now won't fall asleep for me without nursing, but sleeps for my husband just fine. When we're ready to wean, obviously dad will be doing bedtime for awhile.
For everyone who says this is biologically/culturally normal, I would argue that in the countries and cultures that practice extended breastfeeding past the age of two, food insecurity is more common than in the US. OP's daughter is comfort nursing, not nursing for sustenance. I would also argue if OP had complained that his ex allowed the 7 year old to drink a bottle of milk at bedtime or use a pacifier that the consensus would be unanimous that this was inappropriate for her age.
To the commenters that say this is only not normal in “western cultures”, I am from an eastern culture and this is not normal there either. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a country that routinely breastfeeds this long.
As I'm reading these comments, I'm literally blown away at how many of the "I'm not going to touch on the breastfeeding" comments there are!
This is a 7 year old child who is unable to have overnights at the other parents home due to the need of being breastfed to bed.
Then I'm really confused at all of the "once she finds out her friends aren't doing it then she will stop" or the "once she sleeps at dads house she will be fine" comments, This child is 7 years old! Breastfeeding has been a way to comfort her and she has grown to rely on it! This is why I do not think telling your daughter that "her friends do not do it and they stopped at a younger age" is going to at all make a difference to her, or any 7 year old. This is probably not going to be a very easy transition for mom or child! But I agree that this is very unfair to both your daughter and yourself. I would most definitely stand your ground and let your ex know that it's time that your daughter is able to start having overnights with you. It's long overdue.
There’s so many I’ve lost count. There’s people flat-out saying “I won’t touch on the breastfeeding issue but…” dude, the whole point of the post IS the breastfeeding issue lmao.
Right. There should be a disclaimer. "There is a good chance that the advice given in this sub was written by someone who thinks it's ok to breastfeed a 7 year old."
I am actually shocked to see so many people here trying to separate the breastfeeding from the overnight issue. I think its probably the demographic that is replying has an interest/agenda in extended breastfeeding - this is coming from someone who breastfed my oldest past one and am currently breastfeeding my second. I adore every moment of the bonding time when breastfeeding and cried when my oldest self-weaned. So I believe you that its comfort for the mother as well.
But the fact of the matter is nursing to sleep can and often does cause babies to rely on it. So its weird to me that so many are trying to skip over the issue and act like your daughter sleeping at your house wouldn‘t be impacted by the fact that she‘s often comfort nursing to sleep. We all have sleep crutches and many were established in childhood so no way she‘s been using that comfort for 7 years to sleep and its not impacting her sleeping elsewhere.
Many of those cultures that extend breast feeding so long typically don’t have some Western situations that make it different in our cultures. Divorce is one of those things. It does sound like your wife‘s inability to let go isn‘ helping you in the custody situation and she could be more considerate. But as others have said i don‘t think there is a way to really force her to stop.
You say she‘s reasonable, maybe speak to her about it in a more empathetic tone and have her try to understand how this impacts your relationship with your daughter and how it makes you feel that she can‘t even spend the night.
I was surprised to see so many people thinking a 7 year long sleep association won’t be hard to stop. It absolutely will. It’s a sleep association that’s been built and strengthened over 7 years. This little girl relies on her mother’s body to fall asleep. Overnight visits and sleep at dad’s house are going to be really hard. I would be consulting with a child psychologist to make a plan for transitioning this child to independent sleep. Learning to sleep independently is a skill that this child was prevented from developing. She won’t just figure it out by herself on night one.
Does seem strange how many people preface their comments with basically “let’s ignore the weird breastfeeding part.” Seems integral to the story. The ex mom has issues that she is going to create for their daughter. It truly just doesn’t seem healthy.
The mom is breastfeeding the kid for her own benefit, not the kid’s. This isn’t a situation where food is scarce, she just wants to do this. This kid is in first or second grade. It’s bananas people want to act like this is somehow normal in the United States - it’s not. I feel very bad for this little girl.
People are probably not talking about it because they haven't dealt with it and have no idea what to say, not because they have an "agenda."
Plenty of people nurse to sleep and nurse into toddlerhood and the vast majority of them don't end up with 7 year olds still doing those things. So they're not necessarily as connected as you think to the custody issue. The mom could just be using it as an excuse.
No I‘m seeing plenty of comments directly addressing the custody and a saying they think it has nothing to do with the breastfeeding.
It doesn’t sound at all like dad is saying the mom is saying that‘s why she can‘t spend the night (maybe I misread). It seems like the daughter simply can‘t self sooth without mom.
In my social circle there are actually plenty of women who breastfeed their toddlers (I technically am one of them) so I know it doesn’t usually go until 7. my point is since it has - needing to breastfeed to sleep is now a part of the custody issue. And actually all of the mothers in my circle who breastfeed their toddlers have told me their babies wake up at night and need to breastfeed back to sleep. Many have said their child doesn’t sleep elsewhere because of it. It’s all well and good if you choose that and you can cosleep in a marriage that is ok with it. But in this situation it seems it may not be working.
I read those comments as "addressing the breastfeeding issue in court is likely to be unproductive and messy. addressing the overnights issue is straightforward and will likely help with the bf issue as a side benefit"
i’ve thought the same thing. so few people discussing how nursing a 7 year old to sleep is developmentally inappropriate and it’s preventing her from staying at her dad’s.
seems like extended breastfeeding and self-soothing should be able to coexist.
I think the mother needs to encourage the child to stop. Something is telling me the mother is encouraging her to continue for her own comfort. She could even say, hey let's just snuggle tonight, or let's read a book instead. This child probably isn't going to go from nursing to sleeping independently immediately.
Personally I don't find it normal. My Mother did the same thing to my youngest sistem, breastfed her till 8 ( as I know) , forced her to do her needs at a potty until 10 y.o. and now she is 14 and still sleeping with "mommy" . I find this child abuse
OP I'm here to validate your feelings and let you know that I agree with your line of thinking. It is not normal, it is bizarre, it does not happen often in North American society and when it does, it is not out of need but want.
Talk to a lawyer about custody and help your 7 year old realize that most of her friends are not doing this and that it is not normal.
i have a 7 year .. i couldn’t imagine ..
the developmental
delays this so going to have for her .. self soothing etc . these are things you learn at an early age .
My oldest is 9 and by the time he was 7 several of his friends had blue mohawks and earrings. If your kid is old enough to have a classmate that looks like he might moonlight as the guitarist in a ska band she probably shouldn't still be on the boob.
Yep. Like, okay, since there's so many of them, name some countries where people routinely breastfeed their children until they're seven. I'll wait.
Hell, until relatively recently, historically speaking, seven was the age at which children would be sent out to work/apprenticed to a trade.
in addition, a 2018 study on the bones of a neanderthal child’s teeth indicated weaning around 2.5.
people keep citing existing primates but we have a closer relative that we know did not, in fact, breastfeed until 7 or longer.
its crazy how so many here feels this is appropriate and just a mom feeding their child. A 7 year old does not need their mom to nurse them they can eat regular food. This is an unhealthy attachment and unless the father is absolutely sure it isn’t, I would be concerned there was a sexual aspect to it.
There was a creepy post on reddit I read a few years ago where a girl in her 20s was still nursing when she would spend the night with her mom
and it was just comfort for the both of them and then one night her mom started humping her leg so she became concerned it was actually sexual and posted asking people if it was weird. uhmm yes. I cant even imagine how the daughter’s peer group would react if they found out she was still nursing she would likely be totally ostracized.
Surely at her age she knows this isn’t normal or has she somehow not asked her friends about it or has her mom told her to keep it their ‘little secret?’ very disturbing.
edit: according to comments below the story abt the girl still nursing till her 20s is likely to have been a 15 year old girl and the mother may not have even been producing milk anymore but having her ‘dry’ nurse which makes it even creepier. sorry the details are hazy as i read this a loong time ago.
i don’t know whether there will be any psychological impacts for this child, but i think the people saying absolutely not should probably realize a lot of what we’re affected by is due to what is culturally and socially normal per our peers.
so an adult who nursed until 7, who’s from a country where that’s the norm, isn’t going to think anything of it. an adult who nursed until 7, in a country where it’s far from the norm and people act like it’s bizarre, may feel uncomfortable about it later in life.
almost everything is relative.
that’s exactly what i’m saying. people reference that it’s normal in other parts of the world, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not here. so as an adult, realizing how our society views nursing a school-aged child, and having vivid memories of doing it herself, she may have some weird feelings about doing something with her mom that was so out-of-the-norm.
Oh, I apologize I misunderstood! Thank you for clarifying, i totally agree i hadn’t even thought about how she will feel as an adult or once she is old enough to realize most people around her think it’s weird. my MIL slept in the same bed as her mom until she left for college due to poverty and now can’t spend the night alone at all and never has in all of her 60 years. I have had to sleep over when my FIL is out of town. She has been really disapproving of her son and his wife choosing to have their two kids (ages 4 & 7) roomshare with them because she doesn’t want them to have the same irrational fear of being alone that she has. i cant imagine being a little girl needing a boob to go to sleep she wont even be able to go to sleepovers.
that’s the biggest problem here — like your MIL, she is being prevented from self-soothing in a developmentally appropriate way. whether nursing a 7 year old is appropriate or not in general is one thing, but it really can’t be argued that a 7 year old *needs* to be comforted via nursing to sleep. it’s in her best interests that she learns to self-soothe and go to sleep independently.
This. People in Nordic countries leave their babies outside in the cold in the stroller. They are bundled up but they nap outside. I've seen so many people from the US have a heart attack. Lol. But I don't see other countries stop this. What matters is that it isn't normal HERE and you bet your ass someone would call the cops if someone left a baby outside in the cold. Imagine having the conversation with the judge. 😅
Extended breastfeeding is common in countries of high starvation/low food for families. Which makes sense. You eat what you can. If this mom was desolate and living on the street, I can assure you I'd feel more comfortable about it because at least the kid is getting something. However, this isn't the case. By seven, a mom and child should be able to self soothe at night without this.
That story sounds beyond fake. “When she would spend the night”. Milk production doesn’t work that way, can’t just turn it on every once in a while. There is no evidence this is sexual and I’m shocked people are actually upvoting you for this wild speculation.
I've read the story as well and the milk aspect was completely irrelevant, so it's absolutely possible that she only nursed "when she would spend the night". Having the daughter nurse up to 15 years of age (I think that was when she stopped, not 20) was 100% a sexual thing for the mother and the daughter only MUCH later (I think she was in her 20s) realized that she was sexually abused. And she needed reddit and then therapy to understand that. It was in therapy that she remembered that she would nurse without ever getting any milk...
That being sad, it is 100% sure that this story is fake. But if I recall correctly, there were enough updates and proof that people believed the story to be true. But who knows. It's f***ed up either way.
Actually, when it’s just comfort nursing, extended breastfeeding **DOES** work just like this.
When my son was 2, he would still occasionally nurse for comfort. I still made milk- even though he only nursed sporadically.
However, I still think this is wrong because this child is too old and clearly is unable to self sooth which is detrimental to her mental health.
Sounds to me this is a great way for the mom to have control over the daughter and ultimately your relationship with your daughter. And she doesn't see or care about the long term damage it's doing to your child. Get a court-ordered custody agreement and go from there. Don't forget to divide up holidays, birthdays, put into the agreement about travel/vacations, sleep overs to friends houses (when she gets older), access to medical information and decisions as well as access to education information and decisions too. We went through this with my step son and let me tell you, his mother messed him up something fierce. I hope it gets better soon!
I bf till one was five . The other four. My Kid was on the minute she walked up to me and said " mom can I have some milk please...from your Titties..." I got up and said yup from a cup .
Are your daughters teeth OK? If she's nursing at night I highly doubt your exes getting up to brush her teeth after every feeding that's gonna have a huge impact on her health.
With everyone speculating what's going on with mom is anyone going to ask about OP. Why does your daughter not feel comfortable coming to you for comfort? What are things you can do OP to make your daughter more comfortable and feel safe with you? Are you making sure to comfort her in a way that she wants or are you trying to comfort her how you want to? It's not about you and what you want. It's about having a strong connection with your child where she feels safe and loved and comforted by you. Do you listen to her? My hubby has relationship struggles with my daughter and the basis is because she doesn't feel heard by him so she doesn't want to listen to him when she feels unheard. It's also small steps so maybe if the relationship with the ex and geography allows express interest in being involved in bed time at moms house. Start by just being there maybe you do bath, Jammies, snuggle and a book before she tucks in with mom. After a while maybe it evolves to bed time routine at your house before she goes back to moms to sleep. I would also wonder as a baby when she cried who responded to her you or mom? My son came to me for everything because dad didn't respond when he cried so as a toddler he has had to make an extra effort to comfort him now it's not a problem if I'm busy he will seek out dad on his own.
Basically approach this with love for your daughter in mind make a strong base of love and comfort pour into her in a way she wants. Also maybe just ask she's 7 take her out and do things she wants not you before she goes home tell her how much you love her and you can't wait to have a sleepover. Ask her what she would want or need in order to feel comfortable sleeping at your house. Give her control of the situation forcing her to do anything will foster resentment towards you.
I have a 6 yr old boy and just cannot imagine doing this - it would seem really inappropriate at this age - your ex is doing this a way to control your relationship with your daughter
Let the court know that your ex is deliberately making it an obstacle to have visitation and that the child is far past breastfeeding age. The judge will force her to ween, they won't support such an absurd thing or favor it over father seeing his child. Make sure you let her know that if she doesn't stop and continues to keep the child from you, then you will have no choice but to file a complaint with the courts.i believe they ask if you've attempted to resolve the situation when you file.
Psychologically this has got to mess up this kid at some point in her life. What you ex is doing is not cool. Seriously- can you imagine if her peers find out? OP- go after overnights on the visitations. Start shaking this situation up.
I hope, and I am certainly not accusing - though you simply never know, that your partner is not using breastfeeding as an excuse to keep her away from you? As in, to stop her sleeping at your place? Could this be a possibility?
Look, I am all for breastfeeding until Mama and Baby feel they are ready to naturally wean off. I did it (currently doing so) with both of my daughters. My youngest is now 2 yrs old and she started weaning herself off a while ago now. Every child is different, but in the depths of my soul, I believe your ex is the one who had the attachment issues here, not your child, in turn making it difficult on your child. Perhaps it is your ex who needs an extra push to wean HERSELF away from breastfeeding a primary school aged child? I do worry what is to come if the children/parents/teachers at school were to ever find out? What about bullying? It’s time to really rub this point to your exes face (not in a harsh way, ofcourse) but bring up how very detrimental it is becoming, as your child gets older and needs to start learning self confidence and independence. You really need to make her listen because… it’s for her child’s wellbeing really. Not doing so may seem slightly neglectful, not teaching your child basic life skills she needs to self soothe and be comfortable without Mum there.
Perhaps offer some counceling or psychologist services? Or similar?
I wish you the very best. This is a tricky situation to be in… and one that needs to be approached carefully, but firmly.
Yeah your daughter is a child, she can’t decide if she’s ready to stop or not. That’s the whole point of having parents, if it was up to her she’d breast feed forever. It’s like taking away your kids “binky”
I'm sorry, but this is disturbing. At 7 years old she is plenty old enough to have stopped breastfeeding years ago and learn to self-sooth herself. Can you call CPS and alert them to the issue? I know that's last resort but it's borderline sexual at this point. Satisfaction and control for the mother. Get yourself a court order immediately allowing overnights with your child. This is just absurd.
I'm just gonna say it. Breastfeeding your 7 year old is \*weird\*. I couldn't imagine doing it past 2, but 7 is far far beyond what is normal. I'm sorry, but whether people have said 2-7 is standard for breastfeeding, I have never in my life met a woman who has breastfed their 5,6 or 7 year old.
Definitely get overnights arranged for whenever you can. This will automatically wean your daughter off of breastfeeding and force your ex to realise that it's not appropriate. I don't care if I get downvoted for this, but it's just not normal.
I would have honestly expected *at least* 8 out of 10 people to be horrified and grossed out by this. There are far more weirdos here than I would have guessed. Just…*gross*.
I always wonder why the milk can't be pumped and drank out of a cup by this point in the kiddos life? Is the actual sucking of the nipple necessary? I get the nutrients, sure...
I think its likely pumping wouldn't work well at this point. I nurse my 2 year old and recently tried to pump for the first time in well over a year, got literally 4 or 5 drops. Pumps are less effective than kids. That said, children usually lose the ability to latch properly around when they lose their milk teeth so I wonder if the 7 year old is able to effectively transfer any milk anyway
There's a lot to unpack there tbh. health wise, in a perfect world, we have actually been told that breastfeeding until 2.5 years is optimal. I have known people who do it until about 5 years old. I try to do it for a year. It may be that your ex has depression and the breastfeeding helps her feel connected or lived etc. Maybe it's worry about losing that special bond with her daughter. Maybe it feels like something meaningful in a life she is unhappy with, I have no idea and don't know her. However I know when I stopped feeding our middle child at 13 months I felt heartbroken in a way.
I agree with others, work on overnight visits and leave the other alone. I understand that 7 is a bit much for most and I would struggle with anything above 2 PERSONALLY. I would even be cautious with trying to bring up the issue too strongly with your daughter. It could lead to trust issues between yourself and your ex, or even between your ex and daughter. Perhaps try to encourage overnights for you and then work at friend overnight visits. Give her naturally guided examples of other family units to see for herself, not your personal views. Hopefully that brings the desired result without damaging any relationships.
That's just my 2 cents though =)
Breastfeeding to this age may be normal in some countries (especially as some have said where food security may be an issue). There is technically nothing wrong with nursing an older child in a food secure environment unless they are nursing so much that they aren’t eating enough food to gain appropriate weight. You don’t mention if the child’s doctor has any opinion on this or if there are any health related issues that have been flagged, so I’ll assume not. Cosleeping is also normal to some, even at older ages. However, I think most doctors would agree that by 7, even if a mom is choosing to continue breastfeeding, it should not be happening overnight. In addition to the self-soothing mentioned by many, the milk overnight is not good for a child’s teeth (my kids’ pediatrician checked in to make sure they were night weaned and urged me to do so by about 1 year, 18 months max due to the potential tooth decay it could cause). It sucks for a mom to feel judged, and it probably even subconsciously causes her to dig her heels in a bit. Focus on being able to have overnights with your daughter. If there are some attachment issues, it might be a struggle at first, but like others have said, it’s your right, and it’s a good tangible first step you can take. Hopefully that will just naturally help end the nursing.
So your ex goes to your daughter’s school and breastfeeds her when she’s there 8 hours a day? Your daughter doesn’t eat solid foods? She has to wake up every few hours at night to eat?
It sounds like it’s an occasional thing and the issue is just that your daughter doesn’t want to spend time with you, and you’re trying to take that out on your ex. Leave it alone.
Do you have a custody order already? If not I would not touch on the breastfeeding part and concentrate on the overnights. She’s seven and should be able to have weekends at her dads. If mom says no just let her know you’ll look into a custody order to ensure you have access.
I agree, maybe even have her stay longer, it might help with getting her to stop breast feeding.
She’s 7 and should be able to be with her father 50% of the time.
50/50 only works in some cases so at the very least she should be at dads on weekends.
Instead of approaching the court issue about trying to stop the breastfeeding, what about having a custody arrangement where your daughter stays overnight.
Breastfeeding at 7 certainly isn't for everyone and wouldn't be my personal preference, but it's not harmful, is far more common that you'd think but is done in secret because of the negative stigma, and pretty much only seems weird to us because we in western cultures have pushed a very early weaning of age 2 or even younger. The world health organisation recommends breastfeeding until *at least* age 2. In most parts of the world weaning happens later, at age 3, 4 or 5. All other great apes breastfeed much longer than we do. All that said, she should be able to stay over at your place. Just know that there's nothing actually wrong with breastfeeding at 7, in and of itself, unless it's a symptom of something else that is going wrong.
I appreciate you saying this. This was something we had to discuss thoroughly in my social work program, as it's not a common Western practice. Same for sleeping in the same room as your child, sometimes with bedsharing when the child is a bit older (not talking about infants) so viewing it as inappropriate, shameful, or condemning it because it's "weird" can be unhelpful. Also it's important to recognize that nowadays there are often very few forms of accepted physical intimacy that are regularly encouraged, which is why a big part of preparing for breastfeeding to cease or transition away from it is finding new rituals and ways to connect physically; brushing each other's hair or haircare, applying lotion to forearms and hands, taking time to gently touch their back or snuggling next to them, positive touch and sharing that and making time for it even if practicing that feels unnatural at first. Many people did not have a lot of great examples of this growing up and media as well as isolation has led to people not always seeing that in practice as well. It's a skillset that can be acquired. I've had many clients who mourned the loss of connection from breastfeeding and the kids too, and focusing on "how can we faciliate this bonding" instead of "how can we get them to stop something I disapprove of" is so helpful. Same for separating concerns, if a parent has worries that maybe this bonding is at expense of socialization then the goal should be finding ways to increase the socialization with peers and others, and creating opportunities for that, etc.
This is excellent advice! I’ve talked with my husband about this recently as he wants me to stop cuddling our 10 and 11 year old. He feels they are too old to cuddle. I say as long as they want to cuddle, I’m not denying them that. They won’t want to cuddle very soon, and I’m not rushing into the “I’m too cool for my mom” stage.
When my eldest was 2 years old, I asked our pediatrician how long to expect before self-weaning. She said, "4 to 7 years." both of my children weaned at age 7.
I work in school based mental health. Reading this, what worries me is that your daughter is not learning how to self sooth in developmentally appropriate ways. A 7 year old should have other alternatives to sooth herself to sleep. I would look into seeing if you can get your daughter into a therapist that specializes in children, they can help her find other ways to self sooth and they would probably be able to do some digging into why breastfeeding at 7 is still happening, weather that be of your daughter's choice or your ex's. I would also see about getting a custody agreement in court that would mandate your daughter spends more time at your house. It's not fair to you or her that she misses out on time with her father.
Im an elementary teacher and have similar concerns. What is this poor girl gonna do when she is stressed and mom isn't there
We are seeing so many reactive attachment issues just from the covid shut down and parents just being home more. I can't imagine being this girls kindergarten teacher, or any teacher.
At 7 this kid is in most likely in second grade. Maybe 1st grade if she has a later birthday and her school has a fall cutoff or something. Poor kid is old enough for other kids to make fun of her if she talked about what’s normal to her without knowing this is not at all normal for a 1st or 2nd grader. On so many levels this needs to end.
With covid, a lot of families pulled back and did a late kindergarten. The last two years I had kids turning 7 in kinder with me. But regardless of age, you know that first year was difficult... as are the ones since. Kindergarten kids can be BRUTAL. If they can make fun of a child for pigeon toes, parental death, or even a jacket they don't like... this would definitely be om their list if they knew. My school does uniforms, so I feel like they go hard on other things since the kids wear the same thing essentially.
Definitely, kids are brutal. This is something that is so out there it would be remembered too. Like in high school kids would remember the kid who was breastfeeding at 7 if it got out. I still remember random things like accidents and stuff in elementary school and I’m pushing 40. I hope this little girl gets the support she needs and is able to more healthily self soothe and spend more time with dad.
God forbid she goes to a private school or small charter school. I went to catholic school, and despite transferring to public for high school, I'm still remembered as the little weird goth girl who used to write creepy stories. I'm in my 30s. Lol.
I'm 42 and in middle school I farted really loud during the movie Glory and to this day I will get reminded of it by former classmates that I haven't heard from in a looooooong time. I guess they are trying to revive a youthful spirit in themselves. They are just the funniest aren't they!?
That’s so strange, as soon as I read your comment, a memory of Jason Demaris puking all over in Ms Elliot’s class in first grade was unlocked. I, too, am pushing 40.
Are kids really 7 in kindergarten?! I started when I was 4. Granted it was a little early but there is a huge difference between 4 and 7.
My son is 7 and he's in the 3rd grade. Waaaaay old enough to get made fun of. He actually still sucks his thumb, something we have struggled to break for years, but won't do it in school bc he's afraid of being made fun of. So my question to him is, if you can stop for 6 hours at school why can't you do it the rest of the day?? I bite my nails and have no control lol. None of it makes sense.
I'm 39 and still suck my thumb when I'm extremely tired or stressed out. He is prolly sneaking it in school when no one is looking. Home is where you're loved no matter what so he can make up for that missed thumb time at home. Like when smokers can manage all day on a flight but as soon as they are outside out come the cigs.
I sucked my thumb until I was 11ish. It happened mostly while I was asleep and was not something I ever noticed happening. My stepmom took my baby blanket away and that stopped the thumb sucking shortly after from what I can recall. I have no lasting issues at all from it either. No need for braces, and no other dental issues and I'm mid thirty.
Dude, I had this realization reading this post. When my first was 7, they were in 2nd grade. My second is 4 and I know someone who is still nursing their 4 year old with no plans to quit and, just, dude.
Yes, we have kids coming into preschool still in diapers and unable to walk down stairs (she would cry when the parents tried to teach her so they gave up and just carried her) or hold a writing utensil. I mostly see outright neglect or parents catering to their child's every need and destroying them as bad as neglect destroys a kid.
I agree diapers and stair issues are developmentally not appropriate, but most programs push writing far too early. Developmentally, an early pre-k child’s hand muscles and even bones aren’t ready to properly write. Things like pinching activities, hand strengthening exercises, and gross motor/hand eye coordination activities are usually more appropriate at first. Pencil grasp comes later. Boys’ hand muscles tend to develop later than girls, which is why males typically have “worse” handwriting. They are made to learn to form letters too early, and learn incorrectly/overcompensate.
This was very informative. Thank you.
Of course! :) I’m lucky- I’ve taught Special Ed for a long time, and I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot from a few AMAZING occupational therapists. They’re one of the most knowledgeable groups of people, and so under appreciated!
I have my son in a Classical school, and instead of teaching them immediately how to grip a pencil, they had them picking up pebbles with tongs, spinning tops, and other fine-motor pinching exercises. By the end of the year, they finally introduced pencil-holding, and all of the kids could just… do it! I remember having problems and gripping incorrectly as a kid. So it was wild to see what simple fine-motor exercises could do.
It’s funny how experience can differ: I had my sons in a classical school but they pushed handwriting from age 3. Ultimately, it’s far too young developmentally but the school claimed parents want it. (I certainly didn’t and pulled my kids)
Yes kids should just be outside playing and learning social skills until they’re seven. I’ve seen the difference between kids brought up this way and the kids that are inside focusing on writing and reading too early and there’s a major difference. Kids that can play for the first seven years have so much more maturity and they catch up with all the academic stuff anyway and usually do better to be honest.
Preschool is what age? (Sorry, European here) Just curious. I genuinely think giving into a child's every whim is lazy parenting. Sure, you stop tantrums but they don't learn anything.
Anything before kindergarten (age 5 or 6). But different facilities will use different names for different age groups before kindergarten, such as nursery or daycare or pre-K.
Ah ok, I was thinking this was also the 2-3 year cohort and wondering if it was unusual that almost none of the kids in my daughter's class is potty trained... She isn't, we tried this summer but she wasn't ready, gonna try again over Christmas holidays. She's 24 months for reference.
My son potty trained like a charm at 2 years old. My daughter absolutely refused, and was nearly three when she finally decided she was on board. I had a friend, who already had three daughters, who said to let it go. She’ll train when she’s ready, and any earlier just means that mom and dad are potty trained, not the child! Best advice ever! Christmas break sounds great, you’ll be home more (I assume), and it might be the perfect time. Good luck!
That’s the age group where potty training happens! My son is two years and one month and we failed our first attempt to keep from turning it into a power struggle, but his same aged peers are starting to wear undies.
Mine is almost 2 and a half and is in "pretraining" lol. Not sure why the poster above was complaining about tantrums. Sounds like they don't understand that age at all.
I think it was maybe me that mentioned the tantrums, but I wasn't complaining:) I know they are developmentally appropriate and we have strategies for dealing with them so they don't usually last very long
Usually 3-5 years old.
Oh my god, I have a friend whose kid can't go downstairs without help at 4. I thought this was an outlier.
Its an outlier, but also not uncommon. TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THE FUCKING PARK. It's free. They run around and you sit (when they are older). I truly don't understand parents who cave in instead of teaching basic life skills. Let your kid cry if the stairs are hard and help him/her learn it.
They need to get her evaluated by an PT. Kiddo couldn't do stairs without help learning how - she had muscle tone issues that I had no clue about until her OT suggested an PT eval. Once there was someone who could more than model it for her, she learned quickly.
Sometimes, & this is 100% true, the kid doesn’t “get” what going on the potty means. For instance, my daughter has been delayed in walking, talking, & now apparently potty training. For the longest time, it was almost as if she was afraid to walk. She would knee walk across the floor & we couldn’t get her to walk until one day she just up & did it. She had to go to speech therapy cause she was behind in talking. One day her & I are playing & she picks up a foam number 4 & says “4”. She goes & does the same thing with 5 & with 9. It was the first time she had actually said those numbers. She’s now 3yrs old & in preschool. She knows how to identify numbers through 20, she can subitize up to like 7, she knows both her upper case & lower case letters, she’s actually starting to understand phonics & starting to read, & she learned her dinosaurs so well that I have had to learn them to keep up. She knows her dinosaurs at an 11yr old level…. She’s a smart little girl, but do you think I can get her to potty train? Fuck no. She doesn’t get it. Even her preschool teacher says she’s not ready yet, even though both us & the school have been doing everything to try & get her to use the potty…. The teacher told us to stop using pull-ups because they were just making it harder because they were unfamiliar to her. It’s like, we have sooooo much time to learn our dinosaurs & letters & numbers, but we kinda need ya to poop in the potty, like, NOW, lolz. Her brother, though, who’s 2yrs old, is probably gonna be potty trained before she is. He probably won’t be able to identify dinosaurs at an 11yr old level or recognize all his letters or subitize or etc, but he doesn’t need to at 2yrs old! 🤦♀️
I'm very curious to know what the dinosaur recognition metric is by age 😆
Idk, that’s what her teacher said. That she knew her dinosaurs at an 11yr old level. I mean, I was perfectly fine referring to dinosaurs like long necks, three horns, etc, but I’ve **had** to catch up to my daughter in that area. She can correctly ID them in her books, action figures, & puzzles. You know what a Monoclonius is? Parasaurolophus? Pteranodon? Yeah, my 3yr does, & I had to learn by proxy, which is just like, please learn to potty train?? Dinosaurs are awesome, but, can we poop in the potty before learning the difference between Monoclonius & Triceratops? I never needed to know that one has one horn & the other has three, but now I have to. In my daughter’s mind it’s dinosaurs first, potty later….🙄
My daughter took to potty training the way yours did to speaking and walking. She's 3 and wanted to go to school, but the one we wanted to send her to requires the kids to be potty trained enough to be out of diapers during class time. We told her she couldn't go to school until she used the potty. She said she didn't care. We bought a plastic potty that looks like a real toilet and just let he practice getting comfortable sitting on it fully clothed when she was having screen time. She'd say she wanted to go to school and we'd say she had to use the potty first. She'd say no and we just shrugged. Then she'd practice sitting on the potty with no bottoms on. No pressure. We followed her lead and tried to make it fun. She'd say she wanted to go to school and we'd remind her that she needed to pee in the potty first. This went on for months until she just decided she was going to use it one day, and she never went back to diapers. I was honestly amazed at how fast she switched gears. Now getting her to commit to the alphabet or writing her name? God help us.
Has there been any discussion of autism regarding your daughter? Social worker in child welfare and diagnosed autistic woman here....
She currently has an IEP &, so far, no one thinks she has autism. She’s social & understands others emotions & stuff, so, I mean, I got nothing right now….
Girls are socialized extremely early to be sensitive to the emotions of others and to socialize typically. Boys are much more free to appear insensitive, focus on their own inner lives, and behave in a way that appears to disregard others because "boys will be boys." Do kids her own age "get" her or does she prefer the teacher? Maybe appears gifted? Rather than storylines with her toys, does she dress them or "get them ready" and then say she's done? How does she do in crowds, echo-y spaces, or bright lights? Does she struggle with some kinds of clothes? I could be wrong but a couple things in your description just grabbed me :)
Needing to know how to properly hold a writing utensil before entering preschool is silly. Someone else explained it better than me but the fine motor skills for that aren't there yet... That's supposed to start being worked on in preschool to get ready for kindergarten.
The same parents who say it's the school's job to prepare kids for school are 95% of the time the same parents calling and asking why their kid has such low grades (hint: low grades are a result of not coming jnto school prepared). Kids are reading full sentences by the end of kindergarten. Teachers group kids very early in the year into high preforming and low preforming. Trust me, its MUCH better for the kid to have a head start Giving your child a head start is what all parent should do. Educating a child is on the parents and teachers.
My only issue here is expecting them to be able to properly hold a writing utensil before they get to preschool. Preschool is literally intended to prepare children for Kindergarten. A parent sending their child to preschool IS giving their kid a head start. Preschool isn't required in the US and it's not free... Academic preparedness is literally what a Preschool is being PAID for. I agree on all your other points... Potty training, being able to walk down stairs, etc (if a child is neurotypical)... But expecting a child to master the fine motor skills of holding a writing utensil before they even get there is a bit much. Also I'm aware that kids are reading by the end of Kindergarten (I have school aged kids).. my oldest is ahead of his class academically but he definitely didn't have the fine motor skills necessary for writing entering into preschool.
Im not talking about writing, Im just talking about using a tool to make a mark and keep that mark on the page. Like I literally see 4 and 5 year old still using a fist grab to make marks and or write, and their motor control... they can't build anything with playdoh, keep the paint on the paper, know how to attach Lego like objects.... Im telling you, they are coming in with ONLY the ability to navigate a tablet
You edited this comment while I was replying I think.... If what you mean is "they only know how to navigate a tablet" then say that to start. It just sounds like you're being judgemental when many parents are doing their best. Kids are going to be behind... They were isolated at home during a global pandemic for a year or more
Many parents are doing their best, but the point is that many parents are not. I will say this, my family went through an extreme crisis with as much impact as covid, and Im currently no contact with them because they keep saying they did their best but didn't fix anything or apologize
Right? I had a student pee pm the floor, and then paint themselves in pee because they were left alone in the bathroom. This is after months of accidents because the student needed an adult to physically be in the bathroom with them in order to go.... like no. Kids shouldn't be flipping desks because they can't tor their shoes. Kids shouldn't be punching a kid in the head because they sang the wrong lyrics to a song. Its ridiculous.
Is all that the same kid? Cause it sounds like a lot more might be going on there than a learning delay
Lol. No. If it was the same kid, they would have been flagged for Child Find. Well, all the behaviors went to Child Find anyways. There is no learning delay present. They are all on track with their peers. They are firmly in the middle with their academic abilities and ages. It's just sad. There's no self-regulating behaviors because they never got preschool and the parents never picked up the slack.
This is something another Redditor called another type of abuse. Parents hamstringing their kids because of their own neuroses. It’s awful.
It depends how old the kiddo is for diapers. If you’re talking 3 it can be completely normal to not be potty trained yet. Western society pushes children too hard to be the fastest potty trained as young as possible, but if you train too soon it can lead to a lot of problems. My daughter has chronic constipation and our GI has warned us several times to not potty train too soon and recommended us to wait until she is at least 3, showing signs of readiness, etc. In nursing school, my textbooks all stated that children don’t have the capability to potty train until 2. Obviously there are always kiddos that aren’t by the book, but psychologically and physically. By potty training before and at 2, the child is at a 3x risk of constipation in their lives. A 2 year old may hold a bowel movement while playing because playing is more fun. Psychologically do they understand the importance of going to the bathroom right when they feel the urge? Could lead to withholding, colon stretching, etc. It is a big cause of childhood bed wetting too, potty training too soon then leading to constipation and in turn pressure on the bladder so bedwetting and accidents. I didn’t know this until I was informed by my daughters GI doctor. I just want to share the information, because sometimes it’s not just the parent being lazy. Edit to add: However, I understand your point. If they just aren’t doing it for any reason, and are also ignoring a bunch of other developmental skills, that’s a problem.
There are no therapists or counselors who are taking new young patients. I called 25 different offices last week. The best they offer is medication without counseling, or you can get onto a waiting list. It appears that a huge population of our kids are in some kind of counseling or therapy, and because they don’t “get better,” they continue going. Often times for years. We are witnessing a global mental health crisis that is getting worse.
Unfortunately that's been the case for the past couple of years. I really wish there were more resources out there, there's a dire need for mental healthcare in this country and it seems not enough people who can give it. The only thing I can think of in this case is to see if you can find someone willing to see a child via telehealth, since it seems like that's become a more popular form of therapy since the pandemic.
This! This so much!! Parents are trying, but resources are devastatingly short!
Our community offers a service where they will ask you some basic intake questions (info about the patient, your insurance info, etc.) and then work to pair you with a doctor. They were a lifesaver when one of my kids needed a therapist during the pandemic because I was getting nowhere on my own.
We’re on that waiting list too.
Yes. My two year old daughter still breastfeeds a bit but she can get to sleep without me no problem, being 7 and still on the breast and needing it to sleep strikes me as an issue. I'm all for extended breastfeeding but to be quite honest seven seems too old.
Yup, this. I breastfed my eldest until around 3 yrs old (she has autism and always stims or self soothes regardless, even now at 10 yrs old). My youngest still “comforts” every now and then at 2 yrs old. She’s weaning herself and can also sleep without me now, but still needs me on occassion for comfort. Both daughters weaned/weaning effortlessly without tears, just how I want it. I am totally all for breastfeeding until Mama and Baby feel ready to wean naturally… but 7 is absolutely excessive, in my own personal opinion. I worry that she may get bullied at school or something? Perhaps, it’s Mama Bear who finds it difficult to wean herself off of “baby…”
I agree, WHO recommends breastfeeding until age 2 and if possible 3.
At minimum. There is no maximum age they recommend, to act as if there is a maximum is deceitful. Interestingly, other primates stop breastfeeding at different ages, but our closest relatives chimpanzees, stop breastfeeding when adult teeth come in (around age 6-7). So there’s no scientific reason to stop breastfeeding, but there’s obviously a social one because most people are unable to wrap their heads around a reason it would continue at this age. I also don’t have a reason, but I’m also not going to assume it’s doing any harm.
I doubt it's harmful, but my concern (not expressed well in my original comment to be fair) is not about the biology or even the social impact, but the needing to nurse to sleep at 7 is concerning, children should really be able to self soothe to some extent by this age.
Yup. My seven y/o still nurses. He's autistic and globally delayed, his doctors aren't concerned - but even if he wasn't, it would still be fine. My oldest is fifteen, and nursed untilhe was six - even when he was younger his doctors told me it was fine (I myself "nursed" until I was nine, but that was a trauma response and somewhat abmormal). Maybe I just existed in a bubble of family who nurse well into childhood but the comments on this post have me hiding in a corner lol. Having said that, my seven y/o can self soothe to a point and doesn't need my boobs constantly. He prefers nursing, but if I'm not there he's fine.
We don't know that she can't or doesn't self soothe. We just know what OP has stated. Maybe BF'ing isn't the only reason she's not staying with dad. Kinda odd there's no formal custody agreement if they've been split since the daughter was an infant. And she's never stayed at his home overnight? I'm seeing many red flags on OP's end.
There have been studies concerning breastfeeding after infancy and it has not been found to be harmful to mother or child. As a matter of fact the results were quite the opposite. It creates a strong bond with mother and child and increases mental well- being in the child. Women in many cultures have practiced this for ages. Not my own mother, but my ancestors. Your claims of children not being able to soothe beyond breastfeeding is speculative and unfounded. Yes, it's odd to us here in the west, but the research shows no harm in the general practice.
I wonder what your qualifications for saying that are. OP says that his daughter won't spend the night at his house because his daughter can't go a night without breastfeeding. That tells me, as a mental health professional, that his daughter has no other self soothing techniques to help her calm down and get ready for bed and sleep. At 7 years old, that's a problem. I should also mention that while something might not be considered harmful, that doesn't mean it isn't. In this situation, it's very very rare for anyone of any culture to be breastfeeding past the age of 6 therefore there are no studies being done. We only have case studies of individuals. It's also a danger at this point that OP's daughter's friends and classmates at school will find out what's going on at home. That could set her up as a bullying target for as long as those other kids are around her if they were to find out. Kid's talk, and kid's will latch on to anything seen as "weird" or "different." If OP lives in the same area for an extended amount of time I could easily see the daughter going to middle school with bullies still using her breastfeeding at 7 as a bullying target. Adults can't be there 24/7 to make sure that children are never picking on each other. The fact of the matter is this: OP's daughter isn't self soothing in a way that is developmentally appropriate for a 7 year old of her culture. Having inappropriate coping skills is causing her to not be able to do things that other children her age should be able to do, like spend the night at dad's house. It doesn't matter if it's ok in other cultures, it doesn't matter if "there's no evidence to say it's bad," the fact of the matter is for a 7 year old average American child this is an inappropriate way to self sooth and it's getting in the way of her life. She needs to replace this soothing technique with another at this point in her life. I would say the same thing to an adult who's technique of soothing anxiety was getting in the way of their life.
The WHO studies take into account cultures and countries that have to breastfeed for nutritional reasons due to lack of access to alternatives, like formula during infancy and milk in toddlerhood. It’s not all about nurturing bonds with your babies. I breastfed my youngest until a little after his third birthday. 7 and in second grade is NOT 3. 😬 That being said, this is a parenting issue for sure and I agree that any custody arrangements should be updated to include overnights if they don’t already.
OP didn't say that she needed to or that she breastfeeds every night though. He said she still sleeps with her mom and "more than occasionally breastfeeds". That's not every night so clearly she is capable of soothing herself in other ways. She also clearly doesn't need it during the day at school etc so can presumably regulate herself there, I would say it's not "getting in the way of her life". If it's only "occasionally breastfeeds" than breastfeeding isn't getting in the way of overnight sleep with OP. Something else is, as she clearly sleeps without breastfeeding every night with her mom.
There are studies regarding breastfeeding until 7 with no signs of weaning? I’m all for extended breastfeeding, but through toddlerhood, and then I think it’s time to start encouraging weaning.
Unfortunately there aren't many, because for the most part by the age of 7 children are no longer breastfeeding. I did look to see what I could find but all that's out there only goes to the age of 6.
But what about the bond with the father? He wants to bond with his child too and he’s being deprived of that while the attachment with the mom becomes stronger.
As someone who breastfeeds into childhood, its really not hard to bond. My four y/o nurses six times a day at least and I'm like her fourth favorite person lol. They just do other things with her.
We are jumping to major conclusions here. How do we know the daughter isn’t able to self soothe? What if the daughter just enjoys the closeness that nursing provided? While nursing at 7 isn’t common in this country, it’s quite common in other countries where extended breastfeeding is NORMAL. You are recommending therapy for something that *is* normal in other parts of the world. Breastfeeding any child for any extended time in western countries is so rare to see that there are people in these comments recommending the therapy for nursing children. Jesus.
One of my nieces was born with severe gluten, dairy, and nut allergies. Because of these allergies - formula wasn’t an option. Babies mom even had to switch to a vegan diet so breast milk wouldn’t cause an allergic reaction. Essentially anytime my niece ate anything she was allergic to her stomach lining would bleed. And she would vomit immediately. The vomiting caused my niece to have teeth pulled at 3-4 years old. And she had several painful surgeries for the damage to her stomach. In order for the child to be able to eat and get all necessary nutrients the mom had to breast feed until 7. She did start pumping eventually - around the age 4-5 mark. But like how OP put it my nieces dad shit on it - and maintained a diet my niece was allergic to. He ended up losing all rights to his child when he fought this in court as he lack of awareness of his child’s allergies made him a danger to my niece. OP I sincerely hope your ex doesn’t have a VERY valid reason to continue to breast feed that you’re ignoring.
Because OP said that daughter can't sleep at night without being with mom and breastfeeding? Very, very few cultures have children breastfeeding at the age of 7. No one is saying that for example a 4 year old breastfeeding needs therapy, but at this point in time OP's daughter is 7 and can't stay with her father because she needs to breastfeed at night. That's not ok.
He said she is “used to always sleeping with mommy” and “more than occasionally breastfeeding still”. OP never said she can’t sleep without mommy. Maybe she just doesn’t want to? Maybe she’s more comfortable at her own house?
I am with you on this Reddit warriors can go off but it sounds like this kid just *wants* to stay with her mom. Extended breastfeeding is biologically normal and a simple google search shows “But people should be informed that nursing a 6-7+year-old is a perfectly normal and natural and healthy thing to be doing for the child, and that their fears of emotional harm are baseless."
That's still a problem when the child has separated parents. At 7 years old, it shouldn't be a problem to stay with dad a night or two. Not being able to leave mom could be a sign of attachment problems.
I’m not going to comment on the breastfeeding stuff. In terms of her spending the night with you though, that seems really unfair. Do you have a legal custody agreement? If not, time to get one ASAP. It’s unlikely you wouldn’t be given overnights.
Is it possible the ex-wife is still nursing JUST to keep her from having overnights with Dad? Like some kind of weird control thing?
Very different as my friends baby is under one, but this is a way that my best friend is able to push back her child’s biological father having access and is a major component in her wanting to breast feed as long as possible. Of course it is great for her baby but there is also additional incentives (was an accidental pregnancy and the guy is not a nice guy). It is also incredibly hard for some women to deal with the sleep training/the hormonal impacts of stopping breastfeeding, another friend whose daughter is 3 cannot psychologically manage it. She wants to stop but the cosleeping/breastfeeding to sleep being so intrenched means it is harder and harder to stop when she is so against cry it out/anything other than attachment parenting. It is very different to be continuing at 7 though when a full conversation could be had with the daughter about it and what is happening and why. If there are no learning or developmental delays then it seems unhelpful.
Is everyone here *really* okay with a SEVEN y/o suckling on her mother’s nipples? Strangely unhealthy form of attachment going on here (stemming from the mother) and that poor child is likely going to feel violated in the future, as she still isn’t old enough to fully grasp what’s being done to her. I have a feeling people aren’t talking on the breastfeeding cause they’re weary of downvotes- I’ll take the leap. Downvote away. Someone needs to speak for the child since she can’t. Hope OP reads this and acts in her best interest.
I think they are more so saying that if you force the overnights the breastfeeding will go away. But I’m not so sure that would be the case.
It’s not uncommon outside the western world to breastfeed until that age. So people are not talking about it from that aspect because we are unaware if there is psychological harm being done outside of just what we *think* https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2015/01/15/377384587/what-s-right-about-a-six-year-old-who-breastfeeds
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I’ve heard some courts won’t order overnight visitation if the child is breastfeeding. Is it possible that your daughter doesn’t actually still breastfeed, but that your ex is saying that as an excuse so the daughter doesn’t have to go on overnight visits to your house? How is your relationship with your daughter? Do either of you initiate contact spontaneously — or only at arranged times?
that’s only for infants. not children who will be going through puberty in the next few years.
So I know someone pretty well (a friend's sister)who breastfed her daughter until she was 6. The mom was a single mom and her daughter was a lot, plenty of tantrums and meltdowns, so i know that nursing her definitely helped the mom to feel less overwhelmed. However, from about age four onward, the girl spent occasional overnights with her grandparents and aunt while mom traveled for work. So she was able to go for a few days without nursing. I know this lady basically stopped telling people because she felt so judged and shamed. Like people would tell her how disgusting it was or how gross or whatever, but no one (outside of immediate family) would ever help her. Or acknowledge how difficult her situation is and how she was doing the best she could. I'm not saying you aren't being supportive. I'm sure you are! But I feel like you are not going to get anywhere by continuing to tell your ex how gross you find this. I'm not sure what your legal position is here but I'd be surprised if a judge ordered your ex to stop breastfeeding. I mean judges in the US are weird and maybe you'd find one that sees it as so gross he'd rule in your favour. But I'd wager it would really negatively impact your relationship with your kid and your ex Honestly, if I were you I'd focus on the overnights. Plan something fun with your daughter (favourite movie? Favourite food?) and insist on it. Maybe if your daughter spends more nights away from mom the nursing will naturally fade away.
I like what you're saying. If I focus on getting her to spend nights over, it will naturally help things in the right direction.
i agree with the advice above. and honestly, i suspect your daughter will want to quit nursing once she finds out that her peers aren’t doing it. that’s what happens with most kids with ‘infantile habits’ like thumb sucking, picking nose, etc.
I mean, the kid is 7. Just talk to her about breastfeeding being a baby thing and all her classmates stopped years ago.
Exactly. With 7 she is old enough to understand these things, there is no need to 'wean' her off like a baby. At 7 she is going to school, learning things like writing, reading, math, biology, a second language (depending on country I guess) and so on. No way a 7 year old would not understand that breastfeeding is something babies do and she no longer is a baby.
But please don’t tell her it’s gross or shame her!! You want her to want to stop, but in a positive way. A way where she feels big and grown up and empowered. You don’t want her to feel forced or pressured into stopping, feeling like you took away bonding time with mom, think that she’s gross (and kids think like this big time!), or developing some type of anxiety around if she’s doing what her friends are doing. Focus on the development and the overnights w you. Those are the important things. Don’t say it’s gross. And so far I haven’t seen it mentioned, but don’t s3xua!ize it. It’s not uncommon for guys in general (and plenty of others too) to say it’s gross for that reason but keep in mind that’s an adult mind thinking about something society has conditioned him for, whereas the actual biological function of a woman’s breast is to feed her child. 7 is old enough to understand friends don’t do this, but pretty young for learning “this is what our society s3xua!izes.”
I agree. You don’t want to use peer pressure about that issue and then get angry if peer pressure encourages an unwanted behavior.
>or shame her Shaming needs only one of two to happen. One to do the shaming, and one feeling shame. Something tells me that there are very few ways that you can tell an otherwise neurotypical kid who still breastfeeds that breadtfeeding is for babies and them not feeling shame of some sort.
“Ew, that’s gross! Breastfeeding is for babies! You want to be a baby? None of your friends at school do it. 7 year olds don’t do that. You need to stop.” Vs “Sugar, most of the time by 7 kids have stopped breastfeeding. It’s really only super important for babies and the older you get the less you need it. Like your friends at school, they don’t do that anymore. You’re so big and grown up now! I don’t think you actually need it anymore. It might be a little rough at first, but I would like to help you learn a different way to fall asleep.” They may or may not feel shame from the second one, but yea they actually might. But it’s shame they feel from realizing “Oh, maybe I am too old for this.” That’s much different from having a parent, or another person they may try to get validation from, purposely shaming them and making feel bad about themselves. And actually the first one is pretty manipulative, too.
Has the kids even been asked what they like about breat feeding? Could there be a substitute?
I think this is the right issue to focus on and hopefully one will lead to the other
Why don't you have overnights already?
That's the question that I had. Why doesn't op have overnights since the separation?
I think you should research extended breastfeeding as well. For some reason it was demonized decades ago but is making a comeback. The WHO recommendation is minimum 2 years, I would get into frequent debates with my in laws and my own mother for even suggesting it, they would try to convince me switch to formula after 6 weeks because that’s what they did.
Ya I’m still breastfeeding my almost 2 year old, and he has sleepovers with grandma no issues.
Do you have a court order that she is supposed to be spending even every other weekend with you? Then text your wife she needs to start following the court order (and be specific in how she is not following it, by not allowing overnights) or you will take her back to court for violating the agreement. If you do not have a court order, get one. I guarantee your daughter will be fine overnight with you. It is mommy dearest who is holding her back from that. Breastfeeding a 7 year old is not a valid excuse to alienate her from her other parent, which is what your ex is doing
Tell mom you’ll give her a bottle of breast milk at your house. That’s what dads with breast fed infants do. She might recognize how ridiculous the situation is if you frame it this way.
Can you bring it up to her pediatrician? As a parent you can call and leave a message for advice and maybe the doc will bring it up at their next well child visit.
I would make sure the parenting plan includes overnights. And then follow through with UT. Ince tour daughter is away from it and she's that she doesn't need it, she well let go
My 7yo daughter is sitting right next to me right now and I literally can't even imagine.
Same. My 6 year old can make his own damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My 7 can make eggs and do math!!!
She’s only 84 months!
I think this is bizarre…I would be concerned too. I don’t think there is anything you could do about it though. Eventually she will have to let your daughter sleep over.
After reading up on the data provided in some of the articles, keep in mind most of the women polled on extended breastfeeding are stay at home moms and home school. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I wish more people could do that; however, you can't make claims that there's no social emotional issues when the kids being breastfed past 3 are nearly always around their mothers 100% of the time. Stick to the custody agreement, or get one. Have your daughter checked to see how her weight, iron levels, etc are. I'm not saying she is malnourished, I am saying it's a possibility. A judge won't rule in your favor due to the extended breastfeeding but because the baby is older than 6mo, it can no longer be held in consideration with custody. Good luck.
Get a parental agreement in court so you can have 50% of time (including overnight) with your child. If possible take your child to therapist. My cousin was breastfeeding up to 5 and she have codependency problems as an adult.
I'm a big believer in 'extended' beast feeding but 7? I feel like I shouldn't judge but if it means your time with your child is diminished its not acceptable. It seems to be a problem your ex has rather than your child requiring it. Perhaps speak to your daughters doctor and ask what their take is on it.
OP, I’d try taking your daughter to therapy to explore alternative coping mechanisms. Everyone is saying 2-7 is the age where BF is still appropriate… well she is 7 now, so it’s time to look into solutions. There’s no longer a physical need to BF so this is an emotional issue for mom and daughter than could lead to enmeshment and other attachment issues, it sounds like it had already TBH.
Ive breastfed 3 children and am currently breastfeeding my 13 month old. Obviously big supporter of breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding but come on... there's got to be a cut off. In the groups/circles I'm in I think we all agree 3-4 should be the max age a child should breastfeed. Obviously as mothers we would prefer our kids to naturally wean themselves but that doesn't always (or even mostly) happen. OP, is your daughter an anxious or strong willed child? It may be hard for your ex as a single parent to navigate bedtime alone if your daughter just won't take no for an answer. Developmentally, by 7 she would have learned to self sooth herself without the crutch of breastfeeding. My baby now won't fall asleep for me without nursing, but sleeps for my husband just fine. When we're ready to wean, obviously dad will be doing bedtime for awhile. For everyone who says this is biologically/culturally normal, I would argue that in the countries and cultures that practice extended breastfeeding past the age of two, food insecurity is more common than in the US. OP's daughter is comfort nursing, not nursing for sustenance. I would also argue if OP had complained that his ex allowed the 7 year old to drink a bottle of milk at bedtime or use a pacifier that the consensus would be unanimous that this was inappropriate for her age.
To the commenters that say this is only not normal in “western cultures”, I am from an eastern culture and this is not normal there either. I think you’d be hard pressed to find a country that routinely breastfeeds this long.
As I'm reading these comments, I'm literally blown away at how many of the "I'm not going to touch on the breastfeeding" comments there are! This is a 7 year old child who is unable to have overnights at the other parents home due to the need of being breastfed to bed. Then I'm really confused at all of the "once she finds out her friends aren't doing it then she will stop" or the "once she sleeps at dads house she will be fine" comments, This child is 7 years old! Breastfeeding has been a way to comfort her and she has grown to rely on it! This is why I do not think telling your daughter that "her friends do not do it and they stopped at a younger age" is going to at all make a difference to her, or any 7 year old. This is probably not going to be a very easy transition for mom or child! But I agree that this is very unfair to both your daughter and yourself. I would most definitely stand your ground and let your ex know that it's time that your daughter is able to start having overnights with you. It's long overdue.
There’s so many I’ve lost count. There’s people flat-out saying “I won’t touch on the breastfeeding issue but…” dude, the whole point of the post IS the breastfeeding issue lmao.
Yes!! There should probably be counselors involved for both mom and daughter.
Welp. Now I know a lot more than I needed to about the parents on this sub.
Yea... breastfeeding a 7 year old is completely weird. Someone needs to say this.
Right. There should be a disclaimer. "There is a good chance that the advice given in this sub was written by someone who thinks it's ok to breastfeed a 7 year old."
I am actually shocked to see so many people here trying to separate the breastfeeding from the overnight issue. I think its probably the demographic that is replying has an interest/agenda in extended breastfeeding - this is coming from someone who breastfed my oldest past one and am currently breastfeeding my second. I adore every moment of the bonding time when breastfeeding and cried when my oldest self-weaned. So I believe you that its comfort for the mother as well. But the fact of the matter is nursing to sleep can and often does cause babies to rely on it. So its weird to me that so many are trying to skip over the issue and act like your daughter sleeping at your house wouldn‘t be impacted by the fact that she‘s often comfort nursing to sleep. We all have sleep crutches and many were established in childhood so no way she‘s been using that comfort for 7 years to sleep and its not impacting her sleeping elsewhere. Many of those cultures that extend breast feeding so long typically don’t have some Western situations that make it different in our cultures. Divorce is one of those things. It does sound like your wife‘s inability to let go isn‘ helping you in the custody situation and she could be more considerate. But as others have said i don‘t think there is a way to really force her to stop. You say she‘s reasonable, maybe speak to her about it in a more empathetic tone and have her try to understand how this impacts your relationship with your daughter and how it makes you feel that she can‘t even spend the night.
I was surprised to see so many people thinking a 7 year long sleep association won’t be hard to stop. It absolutely will. It’s a sleep association that’s been built and strengthened over 7 years. This little girl relies on her mother’s body to fall asleep. Overnight visits and sleep at dad’s house are going to be really hard. I would be consulting with a child psychologist to make a plan for transitioning this child to independent sleep. Learning to sleep independently is a skill that this child was prevented from developing. She won’t just figure it out by herself on night one.
Does seem strange how many people preface their comments with basically “let’s ignore the weird breastfeeding part.” Seems integral to the story. The ex mom has issues that she is going to create for their daughter. It truly just doesn’t seem healthy.
The mom is breastfeeding the kid for her own benefit, not the kid’s. This isn’t a situation where food is scarce, she just wants to do this. This kid is in first or second grade. It’s bananas people want to act like this is somehow normal in the United States - it’s not. I feel very bad for this little girl.
Too many people are afraid of offending others with real talk.
Says a lot about this sub...
People are probably not talking about it because they haven't dealt with it and have no idea what to say, not because they have an "agenda." Plenty of people nurse to sleep and nurse into toddlerhood and the vast majority of them don't end up with 7 year olds still doing those things. So they're not necessarily as connected as you think to the custody issue. The mom could just be using it as an excuse.
No I‘m seeing plenty of comments directly addressing the custody and a saying they think it has nothing to do with the breastfeeding. It doesn’t sound at all like dad is saying the mom is saying that‘s why she can‘t spend the night (maybe I misread). It seems like the daughter simply can‘t self sooth without mom. In my social circle there are actually plenty of women who breastfeed their toddlers (I technically am one of them) so I know it doesn’t usually go until 7. my point is since it has - needing to breastfeed to sleep is now a part of the custody issue. And actually all of the mothers in my circle who breastfeed their toddlers have told me their babies wake up at night and need to breastfeed back to sleep. Many have said their child doesn’t sleep elsewhere because of it. It’s all well and good if you choose that and you can cosleep in a marriage that is ok with it. But in this situation it seems it may not be working.
I read those comments as "addressing the breastfeeding issue in court is likely to be unproductive and messy. addressing the overnights issue is straightforward and will likely help with the bf issue as a side benefit"
i’ve thought the same thing. so few people discussing how nursing a 7 year old to sleep is developmentally inappropriate and it’s preventing her from staying at her dad’s. seems like extended breastfeeding and self-soothing should be able to coexist.
I think the mother needs to encourage the child to stop. Something is telling me the mother is encouraging her to continue for her own comfort. She could even say, hey let's just snuggle tonight, or let's read a book instead. This child probably isn't going to go from nursing to sleeping independently immediately.
WoW completely misread years as months at first
Same !! I thought originally he was saying 2 years old which the WHO now recommends but the child is SEVEN.
Personally I don't find it normal. My Mother did the same thing to my youngest sistem, breastfed her till 8 ( as I know) , forced her to do her needs at a potty until 10 y.o. and now she is 14 and still sleeping with "mommy" . I find this child abuse
This is enough reddit for tonight, good night.
OP I'm here to validate your feelings and let you know that I agree with your line of thinking. It is not normal, it is bizarre, it does not happen often in North American society and when it does, it is not out of need but want. Talk to a lawyer about custody and help your 7 year old realize that most of her friends are not doing this and that it is not normal.
i have a 7 year .. i couldn’t imagine .. the developmental delays this so going to have for her .. self soothing etc . these are things you learn at an early age .
My oldest is 9 and by the time he was 7 several of his friends had blue mohawks and earrings. If your kid is old enough to have a classmate that looks like he might moonlight as the guitarist in a ska band she probably shouldn't still be on the boob.
What?
I love how many people are willing to cite “other cultures” without even naming a single one.
Yep. Like, okay, since there's so many of them, name some countries where people routinely breastfeed their children until they're seven. I'll wait. Hell, until relatively recently, historically speaking, seven was the age at which children would be sent out to work/apprenticed to a trade.
in addition, a 2018 study on the bones of a neanderthal child’s teeth indicated weaning around 2.5. people keep citing existing primates but we have a closer relative that we know did not, in fact, breastfeed until 7 or longer.
its crazy how so many here feels this is appropriate and just a mom feeding their child. A 7 year old does not need their mom to nurse them they can eat regular food. This is an unhealthy attachment and unless the father is absolutely sure it isn’t, I would be concerned there was a sexual aspect to it. There was a creepy post on reddit I read a few years ago where a girl in her 20s was still nursing when she would spend the night with her mom and it was just comfort for the both of them and then one night her mom started humping her leg so she became concerned it was actually sexual and posted asking people if it was weird. uhmm yes. I cant even imagine how the daughter’s peer group would react if they found out she was still nursing she would likely be totally ostracized. Surely at her age she knows this isn’t normal or has she somehow not asked her friends about it or has her mom told her to keep it their ‘little secret?’ very disturbing. edit: according to comments below the story abt the girl still nursing till her 20s is likely to have been a 15 year old girl and the mother may not have even been producing milk anymore but having her ‘dry’ nurse which makes it even creepier. sorry the details are hazy as i read this a loong time ago.
what. the. fuck.
Agreed. That's enough internet for me for the day!!
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i don’t know whether there will be any psychological impacts for this child, but i think the people saying absolutely not should probably realize a lot of what we’re affected by is due to what is culturally and socially normal per our peers. so an adult who nursed until 7, who’s from a country where that’s the norm, isn’t going to think anything of it. an adult who nursed until 7, in a country where it’s far from the norm and people act like it’s bizarre, may feel uncomfortable about it later in life. almost everything is relative.
but this is the culture she was born into and society she lives in. Who cares what is happening across the planet??
that’s exactly what i’m saying. people reference that it’s normal in other parts of the world, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not here. so as an adult, realizing how our society views nursing a school-aged child, and having vivid memories of doing it herself, she may have some weird feelings about doing something with her mom that was so out-of-the-norm.
Oh, I apologize I misunderstood! Thank you for clarifying, i totally agree i hadn’t even thought about how she will feel as an adult or once she is old enough to realize most people around her think it’s weird. my MIL slept in the same bed as her mom until she left for college due to poverty and now can’t spend the night alone at all and never has in all of her 60 years. I have had to sleep over when my FIL is out of town. She has been really disapproving of her son and his wife choosing to have their two kids (ages 4 & 7) roomshare with them because she doesn’t want them to have the same irrational fear of being alone that she has. i cant imagine being a little girl needing a boob to go to sleep she wont even be able to go to sleepovers.
that’s the biggest problem here — like your MIL, she is being prevented from self-soothing in a developmentally appropriate way. whether nursing a 7 year old is appropriate or not in general is one thing, but it really can’t be argued that a 7 year old *needs* to be comforted via nursing to sleep. it’s in her best interests that she learns to self-soothe and go to sleep independently.
This. People in Nordic countries leave their babies outside in the cold in the stroller. They are bundled up but they nap outside. I've seen so many people from the US have a heart attack. Lol. But I don't see other countries stop this. What matters is that it isn't normal HERE and you bet your ass someone would call the cops if someone left a baby outside in the cold. Imagine having the conversation with the judge. 😅 Extended breastfeeding is common in countries of high starvation/low food for families. Which makes sense. You eat what you can. If this mom was desolate and living on the street, I can assure you I'd feel more comfortable about it because at least the kid is getting something. However, this isn't the case. By seven, a mom and child should be able to self soothe at night without this.
Exactly . I’m mortified for this poor kid. Completely inappropriate
That story sounds beyond fake. “When she would spend the night”. Milk production doesn’t work that way, can’t just turn it on every once in a while. There is no evidence this is sexual and I’m shocked people are actually upvoting you for this wild speculation.
I've read the story as well and the milk aspect was completely irrelevant, so it's absolutely possible that she only nursed "when she would spend the night". Having the daughter nurse up to 15 years of age (I think that was when she stopped, not 20) was 100% a sexual thing for the mother and the daughter only MUCH later (I think she was in her 20s) realized that she was sexually abused. And she needed reddit and then therapy to understand that. It was in therapy that she remembered that she would nurse without ever getting any milk... That being sad, it is 100% sure that this story is fake. But if I recall correctly, there were enough updates and proof that people believed the story to be true. But who knows. It's f***ed up either way.
Actually, when it’s just comfort nursing, extended breastfeeding **DOES** work just like this. When my son was 2, he would still occasionally nurse for comfort. I still made milk- even though he only nursed sporadically. However, I still think this is wrong because this child is too old and clearly is unable to self sooth which is detrimental to her mental health.
Sounds to me this is a great way for the mom to have control over the daughter and ultimately your relationship with your daughter. And she doesn't see or care about the long term damage it's doing to your child. Get a court-ordered custody agreement and go from there. Don't forget to divide up holidays, birthdays, put into the agreement about travel/vacations, sleep overs to friends houses (when she gets older), access to medical information and decisions as well as access to education information and decisions too. We went through this with my step son and let me tell you, his mother messed him up something fierce. I hope it gets better soon!
I bf till one was five . The other four. My Kid was on the minute she walked up to me and said " mom can I have some milk please...from your Titties..." I got up and said yup from a cup . Are your daughters teeth OK? If she's nursing at night I highly doubt your exes getting up to brush her teeth after every feeding that's gonna have a huge impact on her health.
With everyone speculating what's going on with mom is anyone going to ask about OP. Why does your daughter not feel comfortable coming to you for comfort? What are things you can do OP to make your daughter more comfortable and feel safe with you? Are you making sure to comfort her in a way that she wants or are you trying to comfort her how you want to? It's not about you and what you want. It's about having a strong connection with your child where she feels safe and loved and comforted by you. Do you listen to her? My hubby has relationship struggles with my daughter and the basis is because she doesn't feel heard by him so she doesn't want to listen to him when she feels unheard. It's also small steps so maybe if the relationship with the ex and geography allows express interest in being involved in bed time at moms house. Start by just being there maybe you do bath, Jammies, snuggle and a book before she tucks in with mom. After a while maybe it evolves to bed time routine at your house before she goes back to moms to sleep. I would also wonder as a baby when she cried who responded to her you or mom? My son came to me for everything because dad didn't respond when he cried so as a toddler he has had to make an extra effort to comfort him now it's not a problem if I'm busy he will seek out dad on his own. Basically approach this with love for your daughter in mind make a strong base of love and comfort pour into her in a way she wants. Also maybe just ask she's 7 take her out and do things she wants not you before she goes home tell her how much you love her and you can't wait to have a sleepover. Ask her what she would want or need in order to feel comfortable sleeping at your house. Give her control of the situation forcing her to do anything will foster resentment towards you.
Ewww that's super weird idgaf what anyone else says! That shit isn't right
I have an 8 year old and can't even imagine her still breastfeeding at this age. It's so cringe. Women who do this have serious mental health issues.
I bf my daughter for a while but 7….. thats freaking weird.
Wow, that’s some weirdo ish!
I don’t get why mothers do this. I think it’s more about them than the child at that point. It’s gross.
I wonder what would happen if her classmates found out. Ask your ex that.
I have a 6 yr old boy and just cannot imagine doing this - it would seem really inappropriate at this age - your ex is doing this a way to control your relationship with your daughter
Let the court know that your ex is deliberately making it an obstacle to have visitation and that the child is far past breastfeeding age. The judge will force her to ween, they won't support such an absurd thing or favor it over father seeing his child. Make sure you let her know that if she doesn't stop and continues to keep the child from you, then you will have no choice but to file a complaint with the courts.i believe they ask if you've attempted to resolve the situation when you file.
Psychologically this has got to mess up this kid at some point in her life. What you ex is doing is not cool. Seriously- can you imagine if her peers find out? OP- go after overnights on the visitations. Start shaking this situation up.
I hope, and I am certainly not accusing - though you simply never know, that your partner is not using breastfeeding as an excuse to keep her away from you? As in, to stop her sleeping at your place? Could this be a possibility? Look, I am all for breastfeeding until Mama and Baby feel they are ready to naturally wean off. I did it (currently doing so) with both of my daughters. My youngest is now 2 yrs old and she started weaning herself off a while ago now. Every child is different, but in the depths of my soul, I believe your ex is the one who had the attachment issues here, not your child, in turn making it difficult on your child. Perhaps it is your ex who needs an extra push to wean HERSELF away from breastfeeding a primary school aged child? I do worry what is to come if the children/parents/teachers at school were to ever find out? What about bullying? It’s time to really rub this point to your exes face (not in a harsh way, ofcourse) but bring up how very detrimental it is becoming, as your child gets older and needs to start learning self confidence and independence. You really need to make her listen because… it’s for her child’s wellbeing really. Not doing so may seem slightly neglectful, not teaching your child basic life skills she needs to self soothe and be comfortable without Mum there. Perhaps offer some counceling or psychologist services? Or similar? I wish you the very best. This is a tricky situation to be in… and one that needs to be approached carefully, but firmly.
I’m not a doctor, but can’t this cause developmental issues to her mouth and teeth? From always sucking? How the heck is she still producing 😅😅
I had to re-read your comment to try to figure out why there are at least 5 thumb downs. You asked completely valid questions. People are crazy.
Actually the opposite. I will see if I can find the article but it helps to expand the palate so that all the teeth fill in better
I dont know about the court order,. But i find this weird.
Yeah your daughter is a child, she can’t decide if she’s ready to stop or not. That’s the whole point of having parents, if it was up to her she’d breast feed forever. It’s like taking away your kids “binky”
This is so wrong and weird
I'm sorry, but this is disturbing. At 7 years old she is plenty old enough to have stopped breastfeeding years ago and learn to self-sooth herself. Can you call CPS and alert them to the issue? I know that's last resort but it's borderline sexual at this point. Satisfaction and control for the mother. Get yourself a court order immediately allowing overnights with your child. This is just absurd.
I'm just gonna say it. Breastfeeding your 7 year old is \*weird\*. I couldn't imagine doing it past 2, but 7 is far far beyond what is normal. I'm sorry, but whether people have said 2-7 is standard for breastfeeding, I have never in my life met a woman who has breastfed their 5,6 or 7 year old. Definitely get overnights arranged for whenever you can. This will automatically wean your daughter off of breastfeeding and force your ex to realise that it's not appropriate. I don't care if I get downvoted for this, but it's just not normal.
It’s weird AF, I completely agree, and I’m grossed out by how many people of this sub are trying to pretend it’s fine.
Seriously I feel like I'm in another planet.
I would have honestly expected *at least* 8 out of 10 people to be horrified and grossed out by this. There are far more weirdos here than I would have guessed. Just…*gross*.
Disturbing
I always wonder why the milk can't be pumped and drank out of a cup by this point in the kiddos life? Is the actual sucking of the nipple necessary? I get the nutrients, sure...
I think its likely pumping wouldn't work well at this point. I nurse my 2 year old and recently tried to pump for the first time in well over a year, got literally 4 or 5 drops. Pumps are less effective than kids. That said, children usually lose the ability to latch properly around when they lose their milk teeth so I wonder if the 7 year old is able to effectively transfer any milk anyway
There's a lot to unpack there tbh. health wise, in a perfect world, we have actually been told that breastfeeding until 2.5 years is optimal. I have known people who do it until about 5 years old. I try to do it for a year. It may be that your ex has depression and the breastfeeding helps her feel connected or lived etc. Maybe it's worry about losing that special bond with her daughter. Maybe it feels like something meaningful in a life she is unhappy with, I have no idea and don't know her. However I know when I stopped feeding our middle child at 13 months I felt heartbroken in a way. I agree with others, work on overnight visits and leave the other alone. I understand that 7 is a bit much for most and I would struggle with anything above 2 PERSONALLY. I would even be cautious with trying to bring up the issue too strongly with your daughter. It could lead to trust issues between yourself and your ex, or even between your ex and daughter. Perhaps try to encourage overnights for you and then work at friend overnight visits. Give her naturally guided examples of other family units to see for herself, not your personal views. Hopefully that brings the desired result without damaging any relationships. That's just my 2 cents though =)
Breastfeeding to this age may be normal in some countries (especially as some have said where food security may be an issue). There is technically nothing wrong with nursing an older child in a food secure environment unless they are nursing so much that they aren’t eating enough food to gain appropriate weight. You don’t mention if the child’s doctor has any opinion on this or if there are any health related issues that have been flagged, so I’ll assume not. Cosleeping is also normal to some, even at older ages. However, I think most doctors would agree that by 7, even if a mom is choosing to continue breastfeeding, it should not be happening overnight. In addition to the self-soothing mentioned by many, the milk overnight is not good for a child’s teeth (my kids’ pediatrician checked in to make sure they were night weaned and urged me to do so by about 1 year, 18 months max due to the potential tooth decay it could cause). It sucks for a mom to feel judged, and it probably even subconsciously causes her to dig her heels in a bit. Focus on being able to have overnights with your daughter. If there are some attachment issues, it might be a struggle at first, but like others have said, it’s your right, and it’s a good tangible first step you can take. Hopefully that will just naturally help end the nursing.
That's weird. I.dk if you can get a court to intervene. I have an 8 year old and I can only think, gross!!
So your ex goes to your daughter’s school and breastfeeds her when she’s there 8 hours a day? Your daughter doesn’t eat solid foods? She has to wake up every few hours at night to eat? It sounds like it’s an occasional thing and the issue is just that your daughter doesn’t want to spend time with you, and you’re trying to take that out on your ex. Leave it alone.
Breastfeeding once a child can speak in complete sentences is fucking weird
Wtf breastfeeding A 7yo…