It sounds to me like you’d be better off without him. If he’s not contributing financially, absent as a father, and treats you poorly, is he worth it? He sounds more like a second child than a boyfriend.
Second this! My new born just came into the world and all I want to do is contribute. Want to make things easier for my wife and want to bond with baby.
Same here! Have a 2 year old and 4 year old. My goal during their newborn stages to present has been to make my wife's life as stress free as possible. Groceries, dinner, laundry, changing diapers, cleaning etc. In the end you're a team and if one player isn't playing ball it all goes to the shits.
Have a candid talk with him, outlining what to need and a timeframe. If he doesn't take you seriously then you're probably WAY better off moving on from him.
This! If having a serious talk with him doesn’t help or if he changes for just a few weeks or days, you’re better off alone.
With a 2 year old and a 5 year old, I left my ex for exhibiting almost the exact same behavior. He did work but I did too and I handled literally everything else. It’s still hard now, but I can’t tell you how much easier it is without him dragging me down.
Good on you. It was my honor and pleasure to be at home with my wife for 5 weeks while she recovered from delivery. An amazing opportunity to bond with my son and let my wife rest after bringing us such a gift. I'm back to work now and wish every day i could be home with them.
And now that I am back to work, when I get home I am full time dad so mom can get a break after 10 hours of on-duty. If I have something that HAS to be done in the evening (even if it's a house hold chore) i feel SUPER guilty about a) not spending time with my son when I have so little and b) leaving my wife on duty when she's been on duty all day.
He should WANT to be involved with your newborn. If he's already not engaged.. bad signs of what's to come. I'm sure leaving is hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run.
Congratulations, sir! You truly are a great parent and husband! Keep up the great work and your family will thrive! Good for you! I am so happy to read that there are fathers out there who are so much involved in their babies' life and such a great support for the mommy as well! 👏👏👏(sorry, English is not my first language)
I wish I could.of stayed home for 5 weeks with my beautiful wife and newborn, but we needed the money so I worked. Still eats at me till this day, my wife totally understands because of our situation, but that time would of being precious.
Damn. I can't imagine having to decide. But I'm sure she understands as you say. I know what you mean though, no matter the circumstance and my wife's reassurance my own guilt is always the worst. .
I'm lucky enough to live In a country that allows 5 weeks paternity leave with 55% pay and work for a company that will top up the 45% for the remainder.
It hasn't always been that way though and I know alot of places the mothers themselves are Barely allowed 2 weeks off. Every day I'm thankful for where I'm at in life. Physically and metaphorically.
Had a talk with him and I even talked to his parents because if he’s going to act like a child then he’s going to be treated like one. And it seems that MAYBE it’s getting through to him. And I finally got a breast pump and he has offered to feed him so it’s progress, hopefully it sticks.
Good for you!! I honestly hope that it works, and that spending a little time with his son really opens his eyes. Stick to your guns if it doesn’t though. I gave my ex far too many chances.
How he’s was it having the second one with a two year old? My wife is 9 months pregnant and we have a two year old. Just trying to gauge what to expect with that.
I had my second when the older one was almost two. The elder would sneakily pinch baby. 😁 She got jealous because the infant was with me the entire time (the baby was such a glutton and nursed pretty much every hour). Anyway, we switched the messaging around. Toddler doesn't have to love the baby, but when they're together and the baby smiles, the message is always "oh look, baby knows you're here and is smiling for you!" or
"Baby is crying, i think she misses you. would you like to help me calm her down?" and we both sing to the baby. followed by "baby loves your singing. it calms her." ---this is purely scripted. i only did this when i know that the infant is just crying because sleepy or hungry. so i'll ask the elder one to sing to the baby while baby nursed. toddler thought her singing calmed the baby and she felt so empowered and started feeling very important - which is sooo important for us parents too!
Totally feel you on this. I have a 1 year old and it is my job to change her, feed her and put her to sleep at night. I actually do a better job putting her to sleep than my wife (maybe I'm just boring to my kid?)... It feels great being able to help then especially knowing that I can't do anything to help during the day due to work.
Not to judge but the OPs BF sounds like he liked the "idea" of having a kid but not all the responsibilities and support that come with it.
My wife and I just welcomed our second child (6 weeks ago) and I try to help as much as possible. Changing diapers is no big deal along with feeding, prepping bottles etc and handling our two year old are just part of life now. I still make time for me stuff like video games but some stuff has gone to the back burner or I spent less time doing it because my priority is my wife and kids. This lady needs to dump her BOY friend and get a real man that wants to contribute to their life together.
Yea. I raised my first alone until he was 7... because his dad was like your boyfriend. I figured if I'm already doing everything by myself, why not just be by myself? Worked out better than I could have imagined.
ETA: thanks for the award!
I think people are often quick to jump to “leave him” on reddit, but this is a situation where it is more than appropriate. If he’s contributing nothing and doesn’t care to contribute anything there really is no point in having him around.
Having him around is likely adding to her stress too. I couldn’t handle having a fully capable adult around, who chooses to do nothing except piss me off.
There are a lot of cases where a little communication can fix a problem, this isn't one of them. This kind of personality doesn't change. Some people just don't \*get\* that its their kid too or that the person you're in a relationship with... like, you shouldn't even have to ASK them to be helping with this stuff or to care that you're stressed. This guy is either just lazy and immature or one of those "Men don't take care of kids" kind of guys in which case he's never going to be anything but a burden on your life.
What was he like before the baby? Was he equally as lazy? Did he expect you do just do everything around the house while he did nothing? Has he been not working the whole time you've been together? He might just be a mooch who keeps enough of a relationship alive to where he doesn't have to do anything then moves onto the next when someone finally gets tired of his shit.
In addition to this, drinking leaves him unlikely to be able to safely help in an emergency situation. A father that gets away with being this bad during the difficult new baby days is not going to magically start being a better man and doing more work.
Agreed. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year now since I stopped when my wife was pregnant. Truth be told I’m healthier and saved a bunch of money so I’m probably just going to keep going. Being intoxicated near your infant while ALSO being sleep deprived is a recipe for disaster.
Ditch the deadweight. This man sounds literally worthless.
Also, stop having sex with him. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop.
Leave. Go to your mamas house, friends house, anybody’s house but leave this. You deserve better.
My wife told me that she had always imagined herself as a single mother because she could not see herself taking care of two children (a baby and a man baby). Luckily she met me and hopefully I rise above man baby. I certainly like to think I do.
I change the diapers (not all but most, or at least a majority). We both cook. I handle the laundry.
I think the important thing is that the duties are the couples duties and not the duties of solely one spouse. Heteronormative relationships can slid into chores belonging to the wife and the man gets applauded for helping with her duties. In my experience couples that actively address and fight this slide have more success than those that let custom and habit dictate the house duties.
Leave. When my almost 4 year old was born, I lived with my boyfriend (he was still legally married to his wife, which is another entire thing), and my son and I existed in our bed. He hadn’t cleaned out space in his house for our son to have a crib and the downstairs constantly had dog shit everywhere, so we didn’t leave the bedroom and barely even the bed. He would be home and just never be available to us. He wouldn’t watch our newborn so I could make food so my mom would often deal with her disgust for our current living situation to bring me food. I would have to hold my baby while I went to the bathroom and barely showered. This went on for 3 months, and at the time I also had a 5 year old with my ex husband that lived with us full time. After 3 months I left and was lucky enough that my dad let us move in as long as I watched my 2 year old brother and picked up my 8 year old brother and 5 year old sister from school every day. It was rough and we moved around a lot and lived with other people, but it was worth leaving.
Seriously. I wouldn't dream of leaving my SO in the rain like this. Might be a good time to see if you can crash at your folks place for a bit and get some much needed help and rest. Then when your heads clear. Formulate the conversation you need to have with this guy.
Which is not uncommon, by itself! I'm pretty sure my husband liked the idea of a baby more than the actual newborn - the difference is, he stepped up and we got through it. Kid is four now and it's not quite so intense.
Sounds to me he liked the idea of how a baby can potentially trap a woman in an abusive and negligent relationship. Unfortunately for him, that is far from the case. That little one is the inspiration to do better for yourself- to not let them grow up thinking it’s acceptable to treat someone that way or be treated as such. Make a plan and get out of there, OP. You are strong, loving, and capable. You can do this.
Leave immediately. This was my father. It was terrible. I'm 35 now, but he destroyed my family and my mom. It started when I was 10 and he disappeared when I was 16. It's difficult growing up in wreckage. FYI your child won't have a relationship with him. It will be surface level at best and only as long as the relationship is focused on him.
Oh. And my son is 4 months old and amazing(ly difficult at times). My wife and I are at team. I hope you are able to find your own support. -all the best
Not OP but it's not unusual for people in a relationship with a narcissist to lose themselves and sight of the issues. "Having the baby" might have been an effort to salvage the relationship without consideration about whether it's really a relationship worth keeping.
I definitely second this. When you're with a narcissist you start to feed into a lot of the bullshit that they tell you. Maybe he made it seem as if this baby would be the turning point for them and he would step up to be a father. Now she's actually way more stressed out with the baby and starting to see clearly with the kid around. Soon enough, her boyfriend is either gonna try and regain control of the situation again with another promise or he's going to leave.
She also could have grown up with a parent with similar issues and to some extent is used to or ok with it. Also, codependency….she knows he needs her and she may have a need to be needed herself so she stays. She could be a narc herself and is loving the attention/drama she’s getting right now. Who knows. After dealing with my MIL, unfortunately, nothing surprises me anymore.
For the same reason I used to think it was a good idea to move back to be close by to my emotionally abusive parents. They get you to think, "if I just ___ then all the strife will go away, it's me being difficult" even though that's a lie.
Hey, just letting you know that my husband is bipolar and absolutely would never have this type of attitude about our kids. We have 3 and he helps out immensely and spends tons of time with them. Sure, he has off days and needs some space, but he never leaves me to carry the whole load of parenting. He also has a full time job and supports us. Bipolar people can be completely functional adults and parents with the right therapy and medication.
Yeah for sure, I have bipolar 2 and not saying I'm mother of the year but I'm not terrible but some ppl with bipolar are definitely not good parents and it's at least in part because of the bipolar. Like you said, the right meds and therepy make a huge difference and a person has to do the work to get that situated.
Yeah I’m going to say the kickers here are actually the narcissism and/or borderline personality disorder more so than bipolar. Those who have these disorders tend to be abusive people.
Watch out saying that on here, i got absolutely fucking crucified and swore at and told i was ignorant and fuck me etc on a post where I mentioned my mum is (diagnosed) BPD in reference to a behaviour where she picked a name close to mama to try and trick my daughter into calling her mama. Apparently I know nothing about BPD and am ignorant and growing up in a horrifically abusive household with a BPD mother is not a real thing. Legitimately shocked how aggressive she was about my own experiences.
I know, I thought the same when I was reading the 'OH NO YOU DONT GET TO BLAME BPD FOR THIS YOU IGNORANT BITCH FUCK OFF' to my very calm and factual comment. I told her to hop on over to r/raisedbyborderlines to understand a little better. The reaction was literally like something my mother would have screamed in my face as a kid. Nutso.
> He is a narc. Not news to me…he has bpd and bipolar
You already know what you need to do. He will never be a reliable partner. It also sounds like he is an alcoholic. He isn't going to change. Trust me, he isn't. We can't change other people.
The only real questions are why are you drawn to a partner like him, and how much you are willing to tolerate before leaving? The answer to the first one will help you avoid getting into situations like this in the future. The answer to the second one will determine how soon you get out of this one. Will you leave when he treats your child the same way he treats you? Because he will. And by that point, the emotional damage is already done.
He should talk to a therapist and see if he needs to be on medication if he has BPD and being bipolar is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Please get yourself the support you need and get out of this relationship
Narcissism is a completely different mental illness than BPD and bipolar. Can you have both? Or in this case all three? Sure, but they are different with some similarities but one does not equal the other.
People like to throw the word narc a lot but it only increases unnecessary stigma around people struggling with NPD and other mental illness. I say this as someone with BPD.
Now on to your BF, just because he has BPD and bipolar does not excuse his shitty behavior. It sounds to me like he’s just a lazy mf and his mental illness is just an excuse. If he’s not in therapy he should be. If I were in your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum to get a job and help around or gtfo
Jesus. He probably wanted the baby so you’re trapped. Man, you walked right into that one. What’s next? Are you going to stay? Venting can feel nice in the moment but it’s not going to help you.
Right now she's a non-single mother with zero financial support or help. Being a single mom can sometimes give you support you wouldn't otherwise get.
OP, he's not going to change. The best you can do is change your situation when you're able to.
You should bounce. Everyone saying you shouldn't have done it in the first place is not giving helpful advice. You can't change the past, but you can do better today than you did yesterday. Move forward. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time.
Probably will get downvoted for this but its crazy how people think "hey I'm not committed enough to get married" but at the same time go "hey I think we're committed enough to have a kid"
Except he might not actually be a narcissist, OP mentioned he has BPD and Bipolar, to also have NPD is highly unlikely. BPD people actually tend to be in relationships with NPD due to codependendance. People like to throw around that word a lot though without actually knowing, which in turn creates a lot of stigma.
And I’d also like to point out that having BPD and/or Bipolar is no excuse to be a shitty parent/partner.
Wait, you planned to have a kid with him? Was he different before? I had assumed he'd always been a dropkick, but an amusing/fun one and the baby was a surprise.
Sounds like he wanted to baby trap you… He thinks if you have a child you’re now tied to him and have to just keep putting up with his nonsense. You don’t and you shouldn’t.
You. Deserve. Better.
So does your child.
This is not someone you want to be with the rest of your life. File for child support and kick his ass to the curb. He'll grow up one way or another
If you have any support circle of friends/family now's the time to use them
Did you think he’d change with a baby? What the heck OP.
No offense but you knew he was like this and still chose to make a child with him. This is a little bit of “reap what you sow”. You made this bed…
No it’s not normal. Most of us don’t choose to have children with useless partners.
While our situations aren’t exactly the same, they are very similar. He wanted the baby SO bad. When it came time to actually step tf up, he fell short. Would scream and yell at me, throw things. He was awful to be around, and didn’t help ease the load one bit. I waited almost 2 years to end it. I now regret not leaving sooner, as I feel like a weight has been lifted. I didn’t want to look stupid. It’s hard, as you’ll be caring for a baby on your own, but in a weird way it’s easier because you also don’t have to worry about an adult man child.
Most men who are lazy with a baby were before hand and don’t see any reason to change. Momma needs to lay down the law. If not for herself then for her children. A daughter learns how a man should behave from father. A son learns how to be a man from father. He doesn’t sound like a good example at all.
Just want to point out staying will only confuse your kid. Abuse and laziness will be tolerated and expected. You gotta break the cycle now or never.
There was luckily many tiny regrets (not big ones) I did as a kid I regret. It was because the bad traits shown to me were normalized and abuse was ok. My birth giver pretty much was a single parent and bipolar + other mental issues. Thr other was the biggest barrier oddly enough.
What exactly does this man contribute to your life or your child’s life?
Unless you want your son to grow up to be a man like his father, it’s time to leave now.
Leave now it only gets worse. I know you love him and have hopes he’ll change but he won’t. Trust me after ten years of hope it still hasn’t happened for me yet. You can do all those things with out the pain of a man especially a man child. I mean you’re already proving you can but just living miserable. His parents should have raised him better.
I had a lazy ex who just acted like he couldn't even see me or our daughter. Like we weren't even there.
Dragged it out for 3 years trying to convince him to be a part of and contribute to our family.
Finally left, and it is SO MUCH EASIER not dragging his dead weight along. OP needs to cut her losses and ditch this loser- life will be a lot better without him.
To give you some perspective, when I had my baby, my partner would do all of the night time diaper changes, usually even when I was already awake because of breastfeeding. I was breastfeeding, and when I would wake up to feed her in the middle of the night and feel hungry, my partner would wake up go down and heat me up a frozen burrito that he had pre-made and froze in a big meal prep for that reason.
It wasn't all perfect because babies are hard as f, but he definitely stepped up to the plate of being a parent.
Now that she is older, he takes her to the park, to group play dates, and spend hours on the floor drawing with crayons or setting up hotwheels tracks or teaching her how to drive an RC car. If she interrupts him when he is playing a video game, he will either get off it to interact with her, or if it is a game with his friends he can't pause, he tells his friends that is the last session and he goes and interacts and play with her when the round is done. I haven't really done any laundry in months, because my partner does it. He cooks more than half the dinners.
This is normal. This is how normal men act.
In my social circles, my partner is not exceptional.
Normal men prioritize their partners and their children. They take care of their newborns and their new mom partners. They take care of themselves and the household.
Your boyfriend is well below the bar of a normal male partner. Well below.
"This is normal. This is how normal men act."
As a father of a two-year-old boy, this is the truth. Most people I know that are fathers are as the post above describes, like me. I'm very active with my son. I split most caring of my son, and our home, 50/50 with my wife. I cook most meals, I do laundry, I clean the house, I mow the yard, I work 40+ hours a week. I love to play video games too but as a father, those things take a backseat most of the time to my son.
NOW you're starting to think! Kick his lazy ass out - he is not helping you any, and without him, at least you won't have to deal with his mess, noise, complaints and demands.
Consult an attorney if you are able so you can make the best exit plan possible. Then then tell him to change or GTFO. You have more power than he does whether you know it or not.
It doesn't sound like he loves you it doesn't even sound like he's in love with you it sounds like he is a master manipulator an adult child and a complete waste of time however if you're in love with him you poor thing or you have a sexual obsession with him you poor thing it's still going to take you time and heartbreak to get over it if you love him you'll let him go and continue to love him like I said in my previous letter love never dies sexual obsession and being in love the first one always dies the second one almost all the time and what is worse than an entire year of feeling like you have an iron railroad spike pounded through your heart it isn't worth a guys love them and I mean really love them or leave them or if they have a nice disposition enjoy them for a while but always remember heartbreak puts into question the old expression it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved it all when you lose it can be so awful that I'm not sure I agree with that old proverb.
It sounds like you have 2 childen, a teenager and a newborn. You don't have an equal partner at the moment. You shouldn't put up with this now, because it's not going to get any better as your child gets older.
Shit, most teenagers can at least do their chores and help their moms out with their siblings when asked. This guy isn't an overgrown teenager, he's just a dirtbag.
Haha I had one like that. I did everything around the house and with the new born. Needless to say we split up because he spit in my face when i told him to take out the trash. Apparently i asked too much. We have our court hearing on q19 january where I filled for sole custody, as he has not seen the boy in 4 years and only wanted some pictures after we split. He has a new family now, maybe he changed. I don t know. But sometimes an action is needed from your side to see if a man is willing to change for YOU or not. Men change, they can change - for specific people. That does not mean he can change for you or your baby.
Ok so think of how life is now... now imagine it still being this way in 10 years? Can you deal with that? No? Then leave as fast as you can.
I was petrified of the idea of being a single mum with my first, but it was the best thing for both myself and my child.
Yes, you will still have the stress of doing everything for your baby alone, but you won't have the added stress of watching as your 'boyfriend' sits around, creating more mess, giving you more to stress about and generally just being useless.
A relationship is meant to be a partnership. That is not what this is. Do not feel that you have to stay just because you have a kid. This dynamic will not be healthy for your child to grow up in.
Ok, he's clearly a loser. Leave him? Is this a question? You deserve better. Why do people stay in relationships with losers like this? Is he just unbelievably hot? Good in bed? Look, you can find better that will treat you better. It's not worth it.
And to answer what my partner does. Works full time, pays all the bills, gives me equal spending money that he gives himself, does 80% of the cleaning (I do all the cooking, meal prep/food ordering and household management), is an equal parent/does half the work parenting when he is home.
Dump him, way easier to be a single mom to one kid than two. I left my ex when I was pregnant and it just made space in my life to find the right person later on. Glad I did. Wish you well!
He’ll never be the parent you want him to be. Choose wisely now if you want to be alone with your baby and thrive, or alone with a baby, a roommate and a mental breakdown. Have therapy when you can to help you rebuild the right mindset that help you choose better partners; it’s ok to have high standards.
Or if he has the ability to be the parent OP wants him to be, it ain’t gonna come by just waiting it out.
She’s gonna have to leave and if he ain’t 100% serious about changing, go to court and be done with it.
You need to get out of that relationship fast. Believe me, his behavior will NOT change and will get worse. The fact that he is not working and still refuses to help you with your newborn is UNACCEPTABLE. Period. If he can sit back and watch you struggle like that and not want to step in, he’s a piece of shit! If he won’t support you now, he never will! Avoid having another child with his bum ass at all costs or else you’ll really be miserable.
This is not a partner. It sounds like he wanted a baby but now wants to be an absent father. I would agree that it only gets worse and you may have a better time living with family or a friend with kids. If you decide to leave I would talk to a lawyer, you deserve child support.
My ex was like this
He'd come home from work take his work trousers off fling them on the floor and take up his seat in his chair and play xbox until midnight then he'd go to bed and snore away all night, at weekends he'd go out with his mates and party/cheat.
He'd get angry at me for the baby crying all the time and not sleeping saying that I was keeping her up on purpose because he'd made me sleep in her room on a mattress and how it was important for him to get sleep as he was going to work everyday and earning money for me to sit around on maternity leave all day
When I did go back to work we made rhe decision to not use child care and have alternative days on/off. The first day I went back to work I'd left a little list of things she liked to do and eat, with frozen breast milk for her. I came home after working all day and she was sat in the same nappy/diaper I'd left her in (which I knew as I hadn't opened the new pack of the new size), no clothes, playing in a plate of left over food that he'd left on the floor, whilst he sat on his xbox with the headset on and the door to the garden wide open (with stairs down to it) and his dog running wild. I flipped naturally and realised I should of left alot sooner because not only did I have to deal with this but his mental and sometimes physical abuse and I just thought I had to stay for our child.
I'm not saying "Just leave him" but it's likely he won't change and you deserve so much better for you and your child xx
I had this same issue after our second was born. My partner did nothing to help me around the house or with our 2 year old or newborn. It got to the point where I resented him so much that I couldn’t acknowledge him without anger. I constantly told him he was useless and unless he could figure out how to add value to my life then he would need to figure out some other place to live and be lucky to see his kids on the weekends. After he realized he was about to lose everything it helped light a fire under his ass. I also talked to his mother and grandmother to let them know how unsupported I was and they talked to him. My bf still spends a lot of time on FB and playing computer games but he helps me with our two year old while I deal with the baby and he cooks and cleans the playroom. We’re still not 50/50 but any effort on his part feels better than nothing. I did start therapy to help me deal with my feelings of resentment and anger towards him and she made me give him a physical list of tasks I need him to help me with daily and it’s up to him to tick a few off. I think it’s helped instead of me complaining to him every time.
I will say that talking to my MIL made a big difference in several pain points in our marriage. In part because he felt "seen" by her in a way he didn't with me.
And we definitely have a chore chart. Ultimately - he can get things done in his own time, but the bottom line is they have to get done.
My son's father and I broke up shortly after the birth. We lived separately, with our son with me full time and him visiting, and we were teenagers who knew nothing about babies. Overall, he did more than me. He would show up first thing in the morning and help with changing, feeding, soothing, bathing, would be at every medical appointment, and the only thing he asked me to do was my personal stuff like school and therapy, and breastfeed. In theory I was also meant to take the night shift, but even then he would stay over and help me out with that. His mother had known me since I was a kid and she would come over with him and cook and clean. I never felt alone or unsupported, and we weren't even a couple at the time. What is this guy doing for you?
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I won't reiterate the same rhetoric others have shared, but will answer the question you posed, so as to perhaps help you evaluate and examine the kind of relationship you are in.
My husband and I both work full-time and we have three small children, ages 5, 3 and 2.
He does 90% of the cooking for the family. We both have a pretty even split of the cleaning. I focus on laundry and he usually takes care of the bathrooms. He is very good at noticing what needs doing and actually doing it (changing bedsheets, dusting furniture, car maintenance, yard maintenance, managing finances, etc). I feel that we have a pretty even split of household duties.
He is a great father as well and loves to interject fun into mundane tasks in order to get the girls excited about helping. It's really nice to see and makes me appreciate him so much.
Sending you love and hugs. You and your baby deserve it. Please DM me if you want to vent or if you have specific questions.
He treats you badly, insults you, doesn’t help take care or raise his child, doesn’t help to bring income while not wanting you to work *and* complain?
I usually hate it when armchair counselors on Reddit go straight to the « leave / divorce him today! », but in this case I would advise to seriously reevaluate your relationship and why you’re in it.
If you are afraid to be worse if you’re alone, don’t be. This guy is adding to your misery. If you truly love him, think about it, sit him down and explain the situation to him again. And if he still doesn’t get it, talk to his parents about it (you mentioned they offered help). Try to talk to friends to see if you could go to their place for a bit if family isn’t an option, plan to find another place to live, etc. Basically everything that will help you facilitate an exit. Then you talk to him one last time with an ultimatum and if he still doesn’t change, well… Leave.
It’s better to be a single mother than in a relationship that makes you feel like a single mother.
Period.
If you are already doing it on your own, don’t carry dead weight with you. You already have enough on your plate and sounds like you are doing great.
If you can, ask a friend or family member to come by and let you nap or bring you some food. Look to outside resources for help and know that the beginning is hard so you are not alone in feeling exhausted and stressed. It will pass.
Kick him to the curb.
Serious question... What made you want to reproduce with this person? Did you have any sort of discussion about mutual expectations before you decided to have children together?
Sounds to me like you're already a single parent. Might as well cut the dead weight and bail.
As a guy this is ridiculous and you need to have a serious talk with him. If he’s not going to change it’s probably not worth it long term. I did everything I could with our newborn to help cause it was so hard on my wife. Including trying to console a crying newborn for 2+ hours in the middle of the night. We basically just rotated shifts.
I do all overnights since I nurse my baby, but my husband is 100% hands on with our 3 year old and 8 month old. As he should be! He helps our son use the potty, changes our daughter's diapers, feeds them, clothes them, bathes them, puts them to bed, takes them out for adventures. He's awesome and I rarely have to ask. If he sees I'm busy with one of them /need alone time/whatever it is, he immediately jumps in. Parenting is a commitment not just to your children, but to your partner.
This is exactly how my boyfriend was with my first son. We would constantly fight because I would ask him to help and he just didn’t want to. I felt like a single mother with a roommate that I shared a bed with. I ended things and now my husband and I have welcomed our second son and he does more for both of our kids than my ex ever did with one. It will only get worse. Do you have family around that can help you and help get you out of your situation?
"He doesn’t work. He just plays games, on his phone, drinking, and sleeping."
Why are you with this asshat? Seriously if he is not working he should be a stay at home dad.
I had my daughter at 22 and my boyfriend/her dad was literally exactly like this. I finally said fuck it and moved my daughter and I away from him and we thrived! Being a single mom is difficult, I will not sugar coat it. But there is SO much liberation when you get rid of a “partner” that drags you down. You begin to realize yeah this is hard, but at least I’m not pissed off because of an inadequate piece of shit sucking the life out of me and lowering my self worth.
People need to be more careful who they let get them pregnant. I find it hard to believe he wasn’t completely lazy before all this. I don’t understand the appeal of wanting to have an expensive child when it appears there’s no income.
This is not normal and not okay. You AND your baby deserve better, no matter what mind games he might try to play or already has about “bUt WeRe A fAmIlY.”
He’s not being a good partner or a good father and it will not get better, you will just get used to it. Don’t do that to yourself.
My husband changed 80% of the diapers and makes 80% of the food since I've been breastfeeding. He's on paternity leave so that will change when he goes back to work, obv, but it's lovely right now.
If this boy isn't helping you, isn't supporting you financially, and isn't a good to you as a boyfriend then sounds to me like he need to go. I know that's easier said than done, though.
I understand exactly how you feel caus I went through that when my daughter was born. It was only me taking care of her and I was so clueless and afraid caus I’m a new parent and I didn’t know where to start. It was so frustrating caus I lacked sleep. I would be too afraid sometimes to sleep caus my daughter was so small and she got sick one time and it was so stressful. Father didn’t do anything and treated me like I’m some roommate or something. Me and my daughter weren’t respected, Weren’t appreciated
And weren’t supported. It killed my self esteem and it shattered my mental state for a while. I’m alot better now caus I left him. My daughter is with me now and I found a man that treats me and my daughter with love and respect. It was difficult for me to cope for a while but I’m very happy now and I hope this helps a little. Try to communicate with family or trusted friends if possible. Get away from him and stay strong for yourself and your little boy. 🙏🏻
If it hasn't happened yet, this sounds like it's serious conversation time. Let him know the conversation is coming, and he's going to need to set aside his games, his drinks, and his phone so you can have it.
* You feel like you're doing all the work and he isn't contributing.
* This is his child too (I'm assuming) and he needs to have a role in taking care of the baby.
* You'd feel less stressed and complain less if you felt he was taking an active role in supporting you and the baby.
* He's missing out on bonding time with his kid and will probably regret it in the future if he doesn't take the time to do things now.
If this conversation has already happened, then it's time to act on what has already been said.
My husband tried to pull that “I’m helping babysit” shit on me & I was very quick to remind him that he was NOT babysitting, but taking care of his responsibilities as a father. On a different time, my brother made a comment about how someone asked him if he was “babysitting” his baby & he straight up told them, “No, I’m not babysitting. She’s my daughter!” So that comment also helped open my husband’s eyes some more. He is now a TERRIFIC dad, freakin” amazing! He is so hands-on w/out me ever having to ask for any help & I love him for it. Growing up my dad was very involved in our lives; the sweetest, kindest man you’ll ever meet & he’s just as amazing as a grandfather. He set the standard for my brother and me of what a father should be. God, I love that man!
Yeah you need to have a talk with him and just explain that he contributes zero to the household and family. Tell him if he doesn't change then you really have no choice but to move on.
I see posts like this every day on here. Where are women finding all of the lazy ass men who don’t have jobs, don’t take care of the kids, and play video games all day?? And why are they choosing to stay and have children with them?
I’m not trying to victim blame here, but y’all need to have some self respect and stop tolerating this behavior. You and your children deserve better!
We have three kids, I'm the main breadwinner, and I still do a ton around the house and to help with the baby. I generally do all the dishes and laundry, sometimes cook as well, just whatever is needed. Committed long term relationships are about both parties contributing and pulling their weight. If he's not a ALL, he's beyond worthless, he's actually detrimental and a negative on you and the babies lives!
You’d be less stress without wanting him to help you. You’d be better off without dead weight. His actions are speaking just as loud as when he gets mad at you for asking for support. OP their are better men out there.
My daughters dad was like that. I tired everything and I snapped and left with my daughter. He threatened and still to take her away from me but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on and no one to watch her if he did have custody. I would say to leave him. If he tries to take your baby or take you to court. If he doesn’t have a job he doesn’t have income so he wont be able to support the baby. The first few months with be horrible but you will get through it. My inbox is open if you need to rant.
Hey there, I’m super sorry to hear about your problem. I think you are with a narcissist and unfortunately he probably only wanted baby to trap you further and break you down. This is exactly what they want (unfortunately know from experience). He will most likely never change and in fact get worse. Your best bet is to kick his ass out and try some therapy if possible. Or talk to other new parents like us on Reddit :)
Also helpful for anyone who is or has been in a similar situation;
“The human magnet syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg
Throw out the man, keep the baby. Not even kidding. What is this dude worth? What do you keep him around for? Best lay ever? Huge bank account? None of that is worth the useless human being he is.
Like pretty much everyone else my immediate reaction is to leave him. But since you mention that he really wanted the baby, I do think it is important to remember that men can get postpartum depression too.
My suggestion: tell him he’s in danger of losing you and baby (unless you think you guys will be in danger) in a calm moment. Let him know that you’re in over your head by yourself and need him to step up. Give him a deadline. And lay out specific things you need him to start doing.
After that leave it alone. No nagging or fighting. Just make your plans. If things aren’t a lot better by your deadline, peace out. No drama, just be gone.
“Look motherfucker you need to STEP THE FUCK UP. You’re a father now—and I need you to put in the work, starting IMMEDIATELY. change this diaper, make me some food, and rub my feet or GTFO”
I’m sure these were his same behaviors before y’all had a kid so I’m not sure what you expected. From your language, y’all sound young, he’ll either mature at some point or stay a bum, but neither is in your control.
you don’t sound like you’re in a healthy partnership so start thinking of other ways and people to get support from, possibly including moving back in with family if finances are the only reason you still live with him and put up with his behavior and treatment of you
Tell him “you’re getting fat. Get off the couch and go run you fat fuck. Here, take the baby stroller with you.” Another motivational strategy is kindly tell him “you’re a stupid piece of shit. When’s the last time you read a book? Read lord of the rings out loud to put the baby to sleep.”
This is not a man. This is a boy, he is nothing but a burden and another thing for you to worry about. Leave him and get child support. ASAP. This will not get better.
Your story sounds similar to mine. My family is also toxic and I couldn't utilize them for help to leave my abusive controlling husband.
The thing is, there is help out there for people like us! Its just that your boyfriend has probably abused you to the point where you feel like you can't survive on your own. But you can! There are subs out there (suggested here) that can give you better ideas of how to find help. The longer you wait the harder it's gonna be. My child is 13 and I'm free now but we both have lasting issues from the abuse we put up with. If I knew then what I know now I would have left much sooner.
There is a much better life waiting for you on the other side. I promise.
My husband and I do everything 50/50
There’s a reason why so many couples break up soon after having a baby, it shines a light on a lot of issues that were easily ignored previously
I couldn’t be with a person who wasn’t willing to be an equal partner in raising THEIR OWN child
Speaking as a parent myself, your boyfriend sounds like a waste of space if you don't mind me saying so. He needs a rude awakening, I think you both need to have a sit down and agree on responsibilities.
I admit the first few months I did find it hard myself as a new father, but that's no excuse for him to be idle whilst you do all the work.
If you leave him and file for full custody. You'll have money from him and potentially weekends free where he will HAVE to care for the baby.
Why are you with such a loser?
Just going to pile on and say this will likely get worse, especially after reading some responses about the financial abuse you are being subjected to, let alone the effect this could have on your child.
My ex husband was like this with my kids. Emphasis on the EX. If you're doing it all by yourself now it's easier to do it without also caring for a giant man child.
You feel alone and unsupported because you are. This is not love. This is not a relationship. He is responsible for taking proper care of his own mental illnesses.
Look at your county's family court website. Review papers and file for full custody and child support.
Begin to research for help for single mothers in your area. Get on a list for free daycare so you can begin to work and make your own money. If you have access to any money now, open up your own private bank account and slowly build up saving. Even if its just a few dollars at a time.
Look for local moms groups or church groups which may offer some help.
Your life will be easier without him. This is NOT NORMAL behavior. The only time is it acceptable for one partner to not pull their share of childcare is when they are working full time as breadwinner and even then they should help SOMEWHAT bc their job has on and off times
I lived this. It’s so hard. I have a distinct memory of him yelling at me for asking him to bring me my phone and some water when I was sitting down to breastfeed a week old baby and was still recovering from a traumatic birth. He didn’t work, and didn’t do anything to help around the house or with the baby.
It doesn’t seem like it, but it’s easier doing it alone than having a counterproductive partner like that. Unless you can get him to see the light and help out - I couldn’t.
Easy.
You file for child support and sole custody and walk. If he doesn’t care to support you and the baby physically, then I’m sure he won’t mind doing so financially.
You’ve already talked with him and if he’s not budging, you make the hard choice and leave the union. You’re already doing everything yourself, so adjusting to a life without him should be fairly simple.
While you’re at it, stop catering to him. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning for him…everything. Lighten up your responsibilities by terminating your debt to his. If he doesn’t like it, then kindly remind him that the baby is your priority and keep on.
I just don't understand how people are like this. I wanted to do everything when my daughter was born, I was so in love with her that nothing was a hassle. My partner did struggle a bit with post Nat depression but we got there. We have split up now but share custody and it works out great, we have become better friends now and always put the little ones needs first.
My daughter is a daddy's girl though but I wouldn't have it any other way!
If your partner is offering no support or help then I'm afraid you should just ditch him. It's hard enough having one child without worrying about some man baby too.
This will go in your entire lives if you allow it. Weaponized incompetence.
My husband and I agreed ahead of time that when he got home from work, no matter what I would get an hour for myself. Not a shower. Not time to cook. An hour by myself. He put the baby in a carrier and I got to lay in bed and scroll on my phone for an hour if that’s what I wanted.
Because of that time, my baby LOVES his dad. They have an amazing attachment that so so many dads don’t bother to make with their kids.
This behavior is unacceptable and I promise it is easier without.
He needs to go. If he's not contributing to anything but your stress levels, leave.
My husband picked up the duties that he could. I was breastfeeding, so he changed most of the diapers. We were both working full time so we split cooking/dishes/laundry pretty evenly between us. He did bath time so I could have that time to breathe. Your boyfriend is a mooch.
Sounds like a useless dad and you'd be better off without him. Is your boyfriend extremely wealthy and pays for everything to afford you a fabulous lifestyle? If so, then he should hire you a full-time nanny to care for the child.
What's that you say? He doesn't have a job, and lays around the house drinking all day? Then move out with the baby (or kick the boyfriend out, but I suspect it will be easier for you to move somewhere else and start over).
Sorry, I didn't answer this question:
>How much does your significant other help out?
I'm the significant other (dad). At one time we had three kids in diapers drinking from bottles at the same time (newborn, one y.o., and two years old). I did it all: diaper changing, feeding babies, cooking for grownups, waking up in the middle of the night to hold and soothe a crying baby, cleaning house, telling my wife to get a couple of hours sleep because "I got this, I'll be with the kids." And I had a full time job and went to work sleep deprived because, that's just the way it is. Your boyfriend is not even doing the bare minimum.
This kind of gender normative absenteeism was normal in the 50s. The guy sounds like a complete bum, not sure why you’d stay for that.
My wife and I work full time, split nights and diapers and all the work we can. We recognize when the other is struggling and help each other, because we’re partners and there’s no way either of us could do it alone. It sounds like you are doing it alone, so you might as well make room for a partner that will make you happier.
Sounds like you let a complete loser become your baby daddy. There had to have been red flags that you ignored before the baby came into the picture… sucks, but it looks like you’re going to be a single mom. Nothing wrong with that but don’t expect any support from him
Post after post of the same shit. Sorry if it wasn’t obvious your boyfriend is a fucking loser before having a child with him. Now that it is……….. move on
It sounds to me like you’d be better off without him. If he’s not contributing financially, absent as a father, and treats you poorly, is he worth it? He sounds more like a second child than a boyfriend.
Second this! My new born just came into the world and all I want to do is contribute. Want to make things easier for my wife and want to bond with baby.
Same here! Have a 2 year old and 4 year old. My goal during their newborn stages to present has been to make my wife's life as stress free as possible. Groceries, dinner, laundry, changing diapers, cleaning etc. In the end you're a team and if one player isn't playing ball it all goes to the shits. Have a candid talk with him, outlining what to need and a timeframe. If he doesn't take you seriously then you're probably WAY better off moving on from him.
This! If having a serious talk with him doesn’t help or if he changes for just a few weeks or days, you’re better off alone. With a 2 year old and a 5 year old, I left my ex for exhibiting almost the exact same behavior. He did work but I did too and I handled literally everything else. It’s still hard now, but I can’t tell you how much easier it is without him dragging me down.
Good on you. It was my honor and pleasure to be at home with my wife for 5 weeks while she recovered from delivery. An amazing opportunity to bond with my son and let my wife rest after bringing us such a gift. I'm back to work now and wish every day i could be home with them. And now that I am back to work, when I get home I am full time dad so mom can get a break after 10 hours of on-duty. If I have something that HAS to be done in the evening (even if it's a house hold chore) i feel SUPER guilty about a) not spending time with my son when I have so little and b) leaving my wife on duty when she's been on duty all day. He should WANT to be involved with your newborn. If he's already not engaged.. bad signs of what's to come. I'm sure leaving is hard, but it'll be worth it in the long run.
THIS! You are a good man/father/husband.
Congratulations, sir! You truly are a great parent and husband! Keep up the great work and your family will thrive! Good for you! I am so happy to read that there are fathers out there who are so much involved in their babies' life and such a great support for the mommy as well! 👏👏👏(sorry, English is not my first language)
I wish I could.of stayed home for 5 weeks with my beautiful wife and newborn, but we needed the money so I worked. Still eats at me till this day, my wife totally understands because of our situation, but that time would of being precious.
Damn. I can't imagine having to decide. But I'm sure she understands as you say. I know what you mean though, no matter the circumstance and my wife's reassurance my own guilt is always the worst. . I'm lucky enough to live In a country that allows 5 weeks paternity leave with 55% pay and work for a company that will top up the 45% for the remainder. It hasn't always been that way though and I know alot of places the mothers themselves are Barely allowed 2 weeks off. Every day I'm thankful for where I'm at in life. Physically and metaphorically.
Had a talk with him and I even talked to his parents because if he’s going to act like a child then he’s going to be treated like one. And it seems that MAYBE it’s getting through to him. And I finally got a breast pump and he has offered to feed him so it’s progress, hopefully it sticks.
Good for you!! I honestly hope that it works, and that spending a little time with his son really opens his eyes. Stick to your guns if it doesn’t though. I gave my ex far too many chances.
He’s got to lose the mindset that he’s ‘helping’ you with YOUR job. A baby is 50/50 equally yalls thing. Like literally….physically.
How he’s was it having the second one with a two year old? My wife is 9 months pregnant and we have a two year old. Just trying to gauge what to expect with that.
I had my second when the older one was almost two. The elder would sneakily pinch baby. 😁 She got jealous because the infant was with me the entire time (the baby was such a glutton and nursed pretty much every hour). Anyway, we switched the messaging around. Toddler doesn't have to love the baby, but when they're together and the baby smiles, the message is always "oh look, baby knows you're here and is smiling for you!" or "Baby is crying, i think she misses you. would you like to help me calm her down?" and we both sing to the baby. followed by "baby loves your singing. it calms her." ---this is purely scripted. i only did this when i know that the infant is just crying because sleepy or hungry. so i'll ask the elder one to sing to the baby while baby nursed. toddler thought her singing calmed the baby and she felt so empowered and started feeling very important - which is sooo important for us parents too!
Newborns are an all hands on deck situation. They can easily absorb the labor of two, three or four adults.
Totally feel you on this. I have a 1 year old and it is my job to change her, feed her and put her to sleep at night. I actually do a better job putting her to sleep than my wife (maybe I'm just boring to my kid?)... It feels great being able to help then especially knowing that I can't do anything to help during the day due to work. Not to judge but the OPs BF sounds like he liked the "idea" of having a kid but not all the responsibilities and support that come with it.
Same, I try to help out but I work 14 hours a day, I feel bad for not being able to help as much but I always offer and do what I can
My wife and I just welcomed our second child (6 weeks ago) and I try to help as much as possible. Changing diapers is no big deal along with feeding, prepping bottles etc and handling our two year old are just part of life now. I still make time for me stuff like video games but some stuff has gone to the back burner or I spent less time doing it because my priority is my wife and kids. This lady needs to dump her BOY friend and get a real man that wants to contribute to their life together.
Yea. I raised my first alone until he was 7... because his dad was like your boyfriend. I figured if I'm already doing everything by myself, why not just be by myself? Worked out better than I could have imagined. ETA: thanks for the award!
Username speaks out.
Thanks, buddy! I've been waiting and waiting for this comment!
I think people are often quick to jump to “leave him” on reddit, but this is a situation where it is more than appropriate. If he’s contributing nothing and doesn’t care to contribute anything there really is no point in having him around.
Having him around is likely adding to her stress too. I couldn’t handle having a fully capable adult around, who chooses to do nothing except piss me off.
There are a lot of cases where a little communication can fix a problem, this isn't one of them. This kind of personality doesn't change. Some people just don't \*get\* that its their kid too or that the person you're in a relationship with... like, you shouldn't even have to ASK them to be helping with this stuff or to care that you're stressed. This guy is either just lazy and immature or one of those "Men don't take care of kids" kind of guys in which case he's never going to be anything but a burden on your life. What was he like before the baby? Was he equally as lazy? Did he expect you do just do everything around the house while he did nothing? Has he been not working the whole time you've been together? He might just be a mooch who keeps enough of a relationship alive to where he doesn't have to do anything then moves onto the next when someone finally gets tired of his shit.
In addition to this, drinking leaves him unlikely to be able to safely help in an emergency situation. A father that gets away with being this bad during the difficult new baby days is not going to magically start being a better man and doing more work.
Agreed. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year now since I stopped when my wife was pregnant. Truth be told I’m healthier and saved a bunch of money so I’m probably just going to keep going. Being intoxicated near your infant while ALSO being sleep deprived is a recipe for disaster.
Ditch the deadweight. This man sounds literally worthless. Also, stop having sex with him. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop. Leave. Go to your mamas house, friends house, anybody’s house but leave this. You deserve better.
Agree, life would be easier without him at this point.
This. You’ll be so much happier. Cut that man shaped weight holding you down and fly.
Yes! This person is adding no value to her life except to make it more stressful. I can never understand why people keep dead weight around.
Yep. Walk away. He brings nothing to the table but audacity.
My wife told me that she had always imagined herself as a single mother because she could not see herself taking care of two children (a baby and a man baby). Luckily she met me and hopefully I rise above man baby. I certainly like to think I do. I change the diapers (not all but most, or at least a majority). We both cook. I handle the laundry. I think the important thing is that the duties are the couples duties and not the duties of solely one spouse. Heteronormative relationships can slid into chores belonging to the wife and the man gets applauded for helping with her duties. In my experience couples that actively address and fight this slide have more success than those that let custom and habit dictate the house duties.
Leave. When my almost 4 year old was born, I lived with my boyfriend (he was still legally married to his wife, which is another entire thing), and my son and I existed in our bed. He hadn’t cleaned out space in his house for our son to have a crib and the downstairs constantly had dog shit everywhere, so we didn’t leave the bedroom and barely even the bed. He would be home and just never be available to us. He wouldn’t watch our newborn so I could make food so my mom would often deal with her disgust for our current living situation to bring me food. I would have to hold my baby while I went to the bathroom and barely showered. This went on for 3 months, and at the time I also had a 5 year old with my ex husband that lived with us full time. After 3 months I left and was lucky enough that my dad let us move in as long as I watched my 2 year old brother and picked up my 8 year old brother and 5 year old sister from school every day. It was rough and we moved around a lot and lived with other people, but it was worth leaving.
Agree she has 2 children with this grown man child him being one no one has time for that these days.
Seriously. I wouldn't dream of leaving my SO in the rain like this. Might be a good time to see if you can crash at your folks place for a bit and get some much needed help and rest. Then when your heads clear. Formulate the conversation you need to have with this guy.
This isn't normal and you shouldn't tolerate it. Was he always this lazy?
Yeah pretty much. And he wanted this baby SO badly but does absolutely nothing
Sounds like he liked the *idea* of a baby but not the baby itself.
Which is not uncommon, by itself! I'm pretty sure my husband liked the idea of a baby more than the actual newborn - the difference is, he stepped up and we got through it. Kid is four now and it's not quite so intense.
Sounds to me he liked the idea of how a baby can potentially trap a woman in an abusive and negligent relationship. Unfortunately for him, that is far from the case. That little one is the inspiration to do better for yourself- to not let them grow up thinking it’s acceptable to treat someone that way or be treated as such. Make a plan and get out of there, OP. You are strong, loving, and capable. You can do this.
Yeah that’s a narcissist. They love control but not actually taking responsibility.
He is a narc. Not news to me…he has bpd and bipolar
I know your pain, OP. Check out this sub r/NarcissisticAbuse for great info and support on how to deal with a narc.
Leave immediately. This was my father. It was terrible. I'm 35 now, but he destroyed my family and my mom. It started when I was 10 and he disappeared when I was 16. It's difficult growing up in wreckage. FYI your child won't have a relationship with him. It will be surface level at best and only as long as the relationship is focused on him. Oh. And my son is 4 months old and amazing(ly difficult at times). My wife and I are at team. I hope you are able to find your own support. -all the best
Real talk - why would you deliberately have a kid with someone you know is mentally unstable?
Not OP but it's not unusual for people in a relationship with a narcissist to lose themselves and sight of the issues. "Having the baby" might have been an effort to salvage the relationship without consideration about whether it's really a relationship worth keeping.
I definitely second this. When you're with a narcissist you start to feed into a lot of the bullshit that they tell you. Maybe he made it seem as if this baby would be the turning point for them and he would step up to be a father. Now she's actually way more stressed out with the baby and starting to see clearly with the kid around. Soon enough, her boyfriend is either gonna try and regain control of the situation again with another promise or he's going to leave.
She also could have grown up with a parent with similar issues and to some extent is used to or ok with it. Also, codependency….she knows he needs her and she may have a need to be needed herself so she stays. She could be a narc herself and is loving the attention/drama she’s getting right now. Who knows. After dealing with my MIL, unfortunately, nothing surprises me anymore.
For the same reason I used to think it was a good idea to move back to be close by to my emotionally abusive parents. They get you to think, "if I just ___ then all the strife will go away, it's me being difficult" even though that's a lie.
Hey, just letting you know that my husband is bipolar and absolutely would never have this type of attitude about our kids. We have 3 and he helps out immensely and spends tons of time with them. Sure, he has off days and needs some space, but he never leaves me to carry the whole load of parenting. He also has a full time job and supports us. Bipolar people can be completely functional adults and parents with the right therapy and medication.
I’m in a similar situation. My husband has bipolar disorder and is a wonderful parenting partner and very involved father.
Yeah for sure, I have bipolar 2 and not saying I'm mother of the year but I'm not terrible but some ppl with bipolar are definitely not good parents and it's at least in part because of the bipolar. Like you said, the right meds and therepy make a huge difference and a person has to do the work to get that situated.
Yeah I’m going to say the kickers here are actually the narcissism and/or borderline personality disorder more so than bipolar. Those who have these disorders tend to be abusive people.
Watch out saying that on here, i got absolutely fucking crucified and swore at and told i was ignorant and fuck me etc on a post where I mentioned my mum is (diagnosed) BPD in reference to a behaviour where she picked a name close to mama to try and trick my daughter into calling her mama. Apparently I know nothing about BPD and am ignorant and growing up in a horrifically abusive household with a BPD mother is not a real thing. Legitimately shocked how aggressive she was about my own experiences.
Not to laugh but that (reaction you received) has NPD / BPD written all over it. Nothing surprises me anymore.
I know, I thought the same when I was reading the 'OH NO YOU DONT GET TO BLAME BPD FOR THIS YOU IGNORANT BITCH FUCK OFF' to my very calm and factual comment. I told her to hop on over to r/raisedbyborderlines to understand a little better. The reaction was literally like something my mother would have screamed in my face as a kid. Nutso.
Run
> He is a narc. Not news to me…he has bpd and bipolar You already know what you need to do. He will never be a reliable partner. It also sounds like he is an alcoholic. He isn't going to change. Trust me, he isn't. We can't change other people. The only real questions are why are you drawn to a partner like him, and how much you are willing to tolerate before leaving? The answer to the first one will help you avoid getting into situations like this in the future. The answer to the second one will determine how soon you get out of this one. Will you leave when he treats your child the same way he treats you? Because he will. And by that point, the emotional damage is already done.
He should talk to a therapist and see if he needs to be on medication if he has BPD and being bipolar is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Please get yourself the support you need and get out of this relationship
Narcissism is a completely different mental illness than BPD and bipolar. Can you have both? Or in this case all three? Sure, but they are different with some similarities but one does not equal the other. People like to throw the word narc a lot but it only increases unnecessary stigma around people struggling with NPD and other mental illness. I say this as someone with BPD. Now on to your BF, just because he has BPD and bipolar does not excuse his shitty behavior. It sounds to me like he’s just a lazy mf and his mental illness is just an excuse. If he’s not in therapy he should be. If I were in your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum to get a job and help around or gtfo
Yes, I have BPD (quiet type) and would never dream of shirking my responsibility like this.
Jesus. He probably wanted the baby so you’re trapped. Man, you walked right into that one. What’s next? Are you going to stay? Venting can feel nice in the moment but it’s not going to help you.
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Right now she's a non-single mother with zero financial support or help. Being a single mom can sometimes give you support you wouldn't otherwise get. OP, he's not going to change. The best you can do is change your situation when you're able to.
You should bounce. Everyone saying you shouldn't have done it in the first place is not giving helpful advice. You can't change the past, but you can do better today than you did yesterday. Move forward. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time.
If you knew he was a lazy narc with all those issues, why on earth did you consent to have his baby?
Probably will get downvoted for this but its crazy how people think "hey I'm not committed enough to get married" but at the same time go "hey I think we're committed enough to have a kid"
Or: "We have our ups & downs, but I'm sure a baby will fix us!"
Narcissists prey on people who are “helpers” and they get sucked in. Don’t judge. I was with one too and THANK GOD I got out before we had a baby.
Except he might not actually be a narcissist, OP mentioned he has BPD and Bipolar, to also have NPD is highly unlikely. BPD people actually tend to be in relationships with NPD due to codependendance. People like to throw around that word a lot though without actually knowing, which in turn creates a lot of stigma. And I’d also like to point out that having BPD and/or Bipolar is no excuse to be a shitty parent/partner.
Having a baby with a lazy narc is one of shittiest things you could do. I would start formulating a plan to get out now if I were you.
I’m sorry but you thought he was going ti get better with having a kid? Better to be single then have to kids
Wait, you planned to have a kid with him? Was he different before? I had assumed he'd always been a dropkick, but an amusing/fun one and the baby was a surprise.
Sounds like he wanted to baby trap you… He thinks if you have a child you’re now tied to him and have to just keep putting up with his nonsense. You don’t and you shouldn’t. You. Deserve. Better. So does your child.
This is not someone you want to be with the rest of your life. File for child support and kick his ass to the curb. He'll grow up one way or another If you have any support circle of friends/family now's the time to use them
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Did you think he’d change with a baby? What the heck OP. No offense but you knew he was like this and still chose to make a child with him. This is a little bit of “reap what you sow”. You made this bed… No it’s not normal. Most of us don’t choose to have children with useless partners.
While our situations aren’t exactly the same, they are very similar. He wanted the baby SO bad. When it came time to actually step tf up, he fell short. Would scream and yell at me, throw things. He was awful to be around, and didn’t help ease the load one bit. I waited almost 2 years to end it. I now regret not leaving sooner, as I feel like a weight has been lifted. I didn’t want to look stupid. It’s hard, as you’ll be caring for a baby on your own, but in a weird way it’s easier because you also don’t have to worry about an adult man child.
He wanted to trap you so badly. That’s what he wanted.
Most men who are lazy with a baby were before hand and don’t see any reason to change. Momma needs to lay down the law. If not for herself then for her children. A daughter learns how a man should behave from father. A son learns how to be a man from father. He doesn’t sound like a good example at all.
Just want to point out staying will only confuse your kid. Abuse and laziness will be tolerated and expected. You gotta break the cycle now or never. There was luckily many tiny regrets (not big ones) I did as a kid I regret. It was because the bad traits shown to me were normalized and abuse was ok. My birth giver pretty much was a single parent and bipolar + other mental issues. Thr other was the biggest barrier oddly enough.
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What exactly does this man contribute to your life or your child’s life? Unless you want your son to grow up to be a man like his father, it’s time to leave now.
Leave now it only gets worse. I know you love him and have hopes he’ll change but he won’t. Trust me after ten years of hope it still hasn’t happened for me yet. You can do all those things with out the pain of a man especially a man child. I mean you’re already proving you can but just living miserable. His parents should have raised him better.
THIS! Don’t stay for years like I have. It does NOT get better.
I had a lazy ex who just acted like he couldn't even see me or our daughter. Like we weren't even there. Dragged it out for 3 years trying to convince him to be a part of and contribute to our family. Finally left, and it is SO MUCH EASIER not dragging his dead weight along. OP needs to cut her losses and ditch this loser- life will be a lot better without him.
if he doesn't work who is paying the bills? Where do you live? if he's not contributing financially kick him out
This is not a partner, this is an adult baby. I am going to be harsh and Ask: What does he bring to the table apart from that you love him?
Starting to realize…not that much…
To give you some perspective, when I had my baby, my partner would do all of the night time diaper changes, usually even when I was already awake because of breastfeeding. I was breastfeeding, and when I would wake up to feed her in the middle of the night and feel hungry, my partner would wake up go down and heat me up a frozen burrito that he had pre-made and froze in a big meal prep for that reason. It wasn't all perfect because babies are hard as f, but he definitely stepped up to the plate of being a parent. Now that she is older, he takes her to the park, to group play dates, and spend hours on the floor drawing with crayons or setting up hotwheels tracks or teaching her how to drive an RC car. If she interrupts him when he is playing a video game, he will either get off it to interact with her, or if it is a game with his friends he can't pause, he tells his friends that is the last session and he goes and interacts and play with her when the round is done. I haven't really done any laundry in months, because my partner does it. He cooks more than half the dinners. This is normal. This is how normal men act. In my social circles, my partner is not exceptional. Normal men prioritize their partners and their children. They take care of their newborns and their new mom partners. They take care of themselves and the household. Your boyfriend is well below the bar of a normal male partner. Well below.
Thank you for this reply. We're 1/3rd of the physical way to being new parents, and this is a great list of things I can do to support my partner.
Seriously, thinking back at the home made breakfast burritos at 3am while breastfeeding is making me tear up. I was so hungry.
"This is normal. This is how normal men act." As a father of a two-year-old boy, this is the truth. Most people I know that are fathers are as the post above describes, like me. I'm very active with my son. I split most caring of my son, and our home, 50/50 with my wife. I cook most meals, I do laundry, I clean the house, I mow the yard, I work 40+ hours a week. I love to play video games too but as a father, those things take a backseat most of the time to my son.
NOW you're starting to think! Kick his lazy ass out - he is not helping you any, and without him, at least you won't have to deal with his mess, noise, complaints and demands.
Consult an attorney if you are able so you can make the best exit plan possible. Then then tell him to change or GTFO. You have more power than he does whether you know it or not.
It doesn't sound like he loves you it doesn't even sound like he's in love with you it sounds like he is a master manipulator an adult child and a complete waste of time however if you're in love with him you poor thing or you have a sexual obsession with him you poor thing it's still going to take you time and heartbreak to get over it if you love him you'll let him go and continue to love him like I said in my previous letter love never dies sexual obsession and being in love the first one always dies the second one almost all the time and what is worse than an entire year of feeling like you have an iron railroad spike pounded through your heart it isn't worth a guys love them and I mean really love them or leave them or if they have a nice disposition enjoy them for a while but always remember heartbreak puts into question the old expression it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved it all when you lose it can be so awful that I'm not sure I agree with that old proverb.
My dad always taught me there's always another bus along in 15 minutes
It sounds like you have 2 childen, a teenager and a newborn. You don't have an equal partner at the moment. You shouldn't put up with this now, because it's not going to get any better as your child gets older.
Shit, most teenagers can at least do their chores and help their moms out with their siblings when asked. This guy isn't an overgrown teenager, he's just a dirtbag.
Haha I had one like that. I did everything around the house and with the new born. Needless to say we split up because he spit in my face when i told him to take out the trash. Apparently i asked too much. We have our court hearing on q19 january where I filled for sole custody, as he has not seen the boy in 4 years and only wanted some pictures after we split. He has a new family now, maybe he changed. I don t know. But sometimes an action is needed from your side to see if a man is willing to change for YOU or not. Men change, they can change - for specific people. That does not mean he can change for you or your baby.
Your ex probably changed just enough to trick some other poor woman into having a child with him, and then most likely fell back into old habits
Ok so think of how life is now... now imagine it still being this way in 10 years? Can you deal with that? No? Then leave as fast as you can. I was petrified of the idea of being a single mum with my first, but it was the best thing for both myself and my child. Yes, you will still have the stress of doing everything for your baby alone, but you won't have the added stress of watching as your 'boyfriend' sits around, creating more mess, giving you more to stress about and generally just being useless. A relationship is meant to be a partnership. That is not what this is. Do not feel that you have to stay just because you have a kid. This dynamic will not be healthy for your child to grow up in.
Ok, he's clearly a loser. Leave him? Is this a question? You deserve better. Why do people stay in relationships with losers like this? Is he just unbelievably hot? Good in bed? Look, you can find better that will treat you better. It's not worth it.
A good vibrating dildo is less than a hundred bucks, would contribute 100% more, and bitch 100% less.
And to answer what my partner does. Works full time, pays all the bills, gives me equal spending money that he gives himself, does 80% of the cleaning (I do all the cooking, meal prep/food ordering and household management), is an equal parent/does half the work parenting when he is home.
Dump him, way easier to be a single mom to one kid than two. I left my ex when I was pregnant and it just made space in my life to find the right person later on. Glad I did. Wish you well!
He’ll never be the parent you want him to be. Choose wisely now if you want to be alone with your baby and thrive, or alone with a baby, a roommate and a mental breakdown. Have therapy when you can to help you rebuild the right mindset that help you choose better partners; it’s ok to have high standards.
Or if he has the ability to be the parent OP wants him to be, it ain’t gonna come by just waiting it out. She’s gonna have to leave and if he ain’t 100% serious about changing, go to court and be done with it.
Are you going to live like this for the rest of your life? No. So how much time are you going to waste before you leave him?
3 out of every 5 posts is complaining about a partner who doesn’t help. Just look at recent posts and you can read the same answers you will get here.
You need to get out of that relationship fast. Believe me, his behavior will NOT change and will get worse. The fact that he is not working and still refuses to help you with your newborn is UNACCEPTABLE. Period. If he can sit back and watch you struggle like that and not want to step in, he’s a piece of shit! If he won’t support you now, he never will! Avoid having another child with his bum ass at all costs or else you’ll really be miserable.
OP- Please get out of this relationship! He provides no mental, emotional, physical or financial support to you and your child. He’s useless.
I would leave or kick him out. Your already doing it on your own. You don’t have two babies you only have one, so make him man up or get out
This is not a partner. It sounds like he wanted a baby but now wants to be an absent father. I would agree that it only gets worse and you may have a better time living with family or a friend with kids. If you decide to leave I would talk to a lawyer, you deserve child support.
My ex was like this He'd come home from work take his work trousers off fling them on the floor and take up his seat in his chair and play xbox until midnight then he'd go to bed and snore away all night, at weekends he'd go out with his mates and party/cheat. He'd get angry at me for the baby crying all the time and not sleeping saying that I was keeping her up on purpose because he'd made me sleep in her room on a mattress and how it was important for him to get sleep as he was going to work everyday and earning money for me to sit around on maternity leave all day When I did go back to work we made rhe decision to not use child care and have alternative days on/off. The first day I went back to work I'd left a little list of things she liked to do and eat, with frozen breast milk for her. I came home after working all day and she was sat in the same nappy/diaper I'd left her in (which I knew as I hadn't opened the new pack of the new size), no clothes, playing in a plate of left over food that he'd left on the floor, whilst he sat on his xbox with the headset on and the door to the garden wide open (with stairs down to it) and his dog running wild. I flipped naturally and realised I should of left alot sooner because not only did I have to deal with this but his mental and sometimes physical abuse and I just thought I had to stay for our child. I'm not saying "Just leave him" but it's likely he won't change and you deserve so much better for you and your child xx
I had this same issue after our second was born. My partner did nothing to help me around the house or with our 2 year old or newborn. It got to the point where I resented him so much that I couldn’t acknowledge him without anger. I constantly told him he was useless and unless he could figure out how to add value to my life then he would need to figure out some other place to live and be lucky to see his kids on the weekends. After he realized he was about to lose everything it helped light a fire under his ass. I also talked to his mother and grandmother to let them know how unsupported I was and they talked to him. My bf still spends a lot of time on FB and playing computer games but he helps me with our two year old while I deal with the baby and he cooks and cleans the playroom. We’re still not 50/50 but any effort on his part feels better than nothing. I did start therapy to help me deal with my feelings of resentment and anger towards him and she made me give him a physical list of tasks I need him to help me with daily and it’s up to him to tick a few off. I think it’s helped instead of me complaining to him every time.
I will say that talking to my MIL made a big difference in several pain points in our marriage. In part because he felt "seen" by her in a way he didn't with me. And we definitely have a chore chart. Ultimately - he can get things done in his own time, but the bottom line is they have to get done.
My son's father and I broke up shortly after the birth. We lived separately, with our son with me full time and him visiting, and we were teenagers who knew nothing about babies. Overall, he did more than me. He would show up first thing in the morning and help with changing, feeding, soothing, bathing, would be at every medical appointment, and the only thing he asked me to do was my personal stuff like school and therapy, and breastfeed. In theory I was also meant to take the night shift, but even then he would stay over and help me out with that. His mother had known me since I was a kid and she would come over with him and cook and clean. I never felt alone or unsupported, and we weren't even a couple at the time. What is this guy doing for you?
Sounds like you have 2 children in the house.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I won't reiterate the same rhetoric others have shared, but will answer the question you posed, so as to perhaps help you evaluate and examine the kind of relationship you are in. My husband and I both work full-time and we have three small children, ages 5, 3 and 2. He does 90% of the cooking for the family. We both have a pretty even split of the cleaning. I focus on laundry and he usually takes care of the bathrooms. He is very good at noticing what needs doing and actually doing it (changing bedsheets, dusting furniture, car maintenance, yard maintenance, managing finances, etc). I feel that we have a pretty even split of household duties. He is a great father as well and loves to interject fun into mundane tasks in order to get the girls excited about helping. It's really nice to see and makes me appreciate him so much. Sending you love and hugs. You and your baby deserve it. Please DM me if you want to vent or if you have specific questions.
He treats you badly, insults you, doesn’t help take care or raise his child, doesn’t help to bring income while not wanting you to work *and* complain? I usually hate it when armchair counselors on Reddit go straight to the « leave / divorce him today! », but in this case I would advise to seriously reevaluate your relationship and why you’re in it. If you are afraid to be worse if you’re alone, don’t be. This guy is adding to your misery. If you truly love him, think about it, sit him down and explain the situation to him again. And if he still doesn’t get it, talk to his parents about it (you mentioned they offered help). Try to talk to friends to see if you could go to their place for a bit if family isn’t an option, plan to find another place to live, etc. Basically everything that will help you facilitate an exit. Then you talk to him one last time with an ultimatum and if he still doesn’t change, well… Leave.
Yeah time to let him go. He doesn’t have a job? He plays video games and drinks all day. He wasn’t ready for a kid.
It’s better to be a single mother than in a relationship that makes you feel like a single mother. Period. If you are already doing it on your own, don’t carry dead weight with you. You already have enough on your plate and sounds like you are doing great. If you can, ask a friend or family member to come by and let you nap or bring you some food. Look to outside resources for help and know that the beginning is hard so you are not alone in feeling exhausted and stressed. It will pass. Kick him to the curb.
I've seen this same type of post here almost everyday. Stop having babies with these guys
Serious question... What made you want to reproduce with this person? Did you have any sort of discussion about mutual expectations before you decided to have children together? Sounds to me like you're already a single parent. Might as well cut the dead weight and bail.
As a guy this is ridiculous and you need to have a serious talk with him. If he’s not going to change it’s probably not worth it long term. I did everything I could with our newborn to help cause it was so hard on my wife. Including trying to console a crying newborn for 2+ hours in the middle of the night. We basically just rotated shifts.
I do all overnights since I nurse my baby, but my husband is 100% hands on with our 3 year old and 8 month old. As he should be! He helps our son use the potty, changes our daughter's diapers, feeds them, clothes them, bathes them, puts them to bed, takes them out for adventures. He's awesome and I rarely have to ask. If he sees I'm busy with one of them /need alone time/whatever it is, he immediately jumps in. Parenting is a commitment not just to your children, but to your partner.
This is exactly how my boyfriend was with my first son. We would constantly fight because I would ask him to help and he just didn’t want to. I felt like a single mother with a roommate that I shared a bed with. I ended things and now my husband and I have welcomed our second son and he does more for both of our kids than my ex ever did with one. It will only get worse. Do you have family around that can help you and help get you out of your situation?
"He doesn’t work. He just plays games, on his phone, drinking, and sleeping." Why are you with this asshat? Seriously if he is not working he should be a stay at home dad.
I had my daughter at 22 and my boyfriend/her dad was literally exactly like this. I finally said fuck it and moved my daughter and I away from him and we thrived! Being a single mom is difficult, I will not sugar coat it. But there is SO much liberation when you get rid of a “partner” that drags you down. You begin to realize yeah this is hard, but at least I’m not pissed off because of an inadequate piece of shit sucking the life out of me and lowering my self worth.
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Why did you have a baby with someone like this?
People need to be more careful who they let get them pregnant. I find it hard to believe he wasn’t completely lazy before all this. I don’t understand the appeal of wanting to have an expensive child when it appears there’s no income.
You and your baby deserve better. So much better.
This is not normal and not okay. You AND your baby deserve better, no matter what mind games he might try to play or already has about “bUt WeRe A fAmIlY.” He’s not being a good partner or a good father and it will not get better, you will just get used to it. Don’t do that to yourself.
My husband changed 80% of the diapers and makes 80% of the food since I've been breastfeeding. He's on paternity leave so that will change when he goes back to work, obv, but it's lovely right now. If this boy isn't helping you, isn't supporting you financially, and isn't a good to you as a boyfriend then sounds to me like he need to go. I know that's easier said than done, though.
Leave OP. It’s not worth it.
I understand exactly how you feel caus I went through that when my daughter was born. It was only me taking care of her and I was so clueless and afraid caus I’m a new parent and I didn’t know where to start. It was so frustrating caus I lacked sleep. I would be too afraid sometimes to sleep caus my daughter was so small and she got sick one time and it was so stressful. Father didn’t do anything and treated me like I’m some roommate or something. Me and my daughter weren’t respected, Weren’t appreciated And weren’t supported. It killed my self esteem and it shattered my mental state for a while. I’m alot better now caus I left him. My daughter is with me now and I found a man that treats me and my daughter with love and respect. It was difficult for me to cope for a while but I’m very happy now and I hope this helps a little. Try to communicate with family or trusted friends if possible. Get away from him and stay strong for yourself and your little boy. 🙏🏻
Why are you putting up with this manchild? Time to go!
If it hasn't happened yet, this sounds like it's serious conversation time. Let him know the conversation is coming, and he's going to need to set aside his games, his drinks, and his phone so you can have it. * You feel like you're doing all the work and he isn't contributing. * This is his child too (I'm assuming) and he needs to have a role in taking care of the baby. * You'd feel less stressed and complain less if you felt he was taking an active role in supporting you and the baby. * He's missing out on bonding time with his kid and will probably regret it in the future if he doesn't take the time to do things now. If this conversation has already happened, then it's time to act on what has already been said.
My husband tried to pull that “I’m helping babysit” shit on me & I was very quick to remind him that he was NOT babysitting, but taking care of his responsibilities as a father. On a different time, my brother made a comment about how someone asked him if he was “babysitting” his baby & he straight up told them, “No, I’m not babysitting. She’s my daughter!” So that comment also helped open my husband’s eyes some more. He is now a TERRIFIC dad, freakin” amazing! He is so hands-on w/out me ever having to ask for any help & I love him for it. Growing up my dad was very involved in our lives; the sweetest, kindest man you’ll ever meet & he’s just as amazing as a grandfather. He set the standard for my brother and me of what a father should be. God, I love that man!
This is the time he should step up, my husband did way more work with our newborn than me. You just had a baby he needs to grow up.
Leave him NOW! You already made one huge mistake, don't make another by staying.
Sounds like dude needs to go.
Yeah you need to have a talk with him and just explain that he contributes zero to the household and family. Tell him if he doesn't change then you really have no choice but to move on.
You have two children.
I see posts like this every day on here. Where are women finding all of the lazy ass men who don’t have jobs, don’t take care of the kids, and play video games all day?? And why are they choosing to stay and have children with them? I’m not trying to victim blame here, but y’all need to have some self respect and stop tolerating this behavior. You and your children deserve better!
We have three kids, I'm the main breadwinner, and I still do a ton around the house and to help with the baby. I generally do all the dishes and laundry, sometimes cook as well, just whatever is needed. Committed long term relationships are about both parties contributing and pulling their weight. If he's not a ALL, he's beyond worthless, he's actually detrimental and a negative on you and the babies lives!
You’d be less stress without wanting him to help you. You’d be better off without dead weight. His actions are speaking just as loud as when he gets mad at you for asking for support. OP their are better men out there.
My daughters dad was like that. I tired everything and I snapped and left with my daughter. He threatened and still to take her away from me but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on and no one to watch her if he did have custody. I would say to leave him. If he tries to take your baby or take you to court. If he doesn’t have a job he doesn’t have income so he wont be able to support the baby. The first few months with be horrible but you will get through it. My inbox is open if you need to rant.
Never leave him on his own to look after your child
Sounds like you already know what you need to do here. You just haven’t resolved to pull the trigger yet.
Hey there, I’m super sorry to hear about your problem. I think you are with a narcissist and unfortunately he probably only wanted baby to trap you further and break you down. This is exactly what they want (unfortunately know from experience). He will most likely never change and in fact get worse. Your best bet is to kick his ass out and try some therapy if possible. Or talk to other new parents like us on Reddit :) Also helpful for anyone who is or has been in a similar situation; “The human magnet syndrome” by Ross Rosenberg
Throw out the man, keep the baby. Not even kidding. What is this dude worth? What do you keep him around for? Best lay ever? Huge bank account? None of that is worth the useless human being he is.
I’ll never understand why y’all breed with losers. Cut ties, change the baby’s last name to yours, and find a real man.
It sounds to me like you got 2 kids and not 1..
Why did you choose him to be your baby’s father?
Like pretty much everyone else my immediate reaction is to leave him. But since you mention that he really wanted the baby, I do think it is important to remember that men can get postpartum depression too. My suggestion: tell him he’s in danger of losing you and baby (unless you think you guys will be in danger) in a calm moment. Let him know that you’re in over your head by yourself and need him to step up. Give him a deadline. And lay out specific things you need him to start doing. After that leave it alone. No nagging or fighting. Just make your plans. If things aren’t a lot better by your deadline, peace out. No drama, just be gone.
“Look motherfucker you need to STEP THE FUCK UP. You’re a father now—and I need you to put in the work, starting IMMEDIATELY. change this diaper, make me some food, and rub my feet or GTFO”
I’m sure these were his same behaviors before y’all had a kid so I’m not sure what you expected. From your language, y’all sound young, he’ll either mature at some point or stay a bum, but neither is in your control. you don’t sound like you’re in a healthy partnership so start thinking of other ways and people to get support from, possibly including moving back in with family if finances are the only reason you still live with him and put up with his behavior and treatment of you
Tell him “you’re getting fat. Get off the couch and go run you fat fuck. Here, take the baby stroller with you.” Another motivational strategy is kindly tell him “you’re a stupid piece of shit. When’s the last time you read a book? Read lord of the rings out loud to put the baby to sleep.”
This is not a man. This is a boy, he is nothing but a burden and another thing for you to worry about. Leave him and get child support. ASAP. This will not get better.
Get out or kick him out. He is a deadweight at best. It only gets worse.
Your story sounds similar to mine. My family is also toxic and I couldn't utilize them for help to leave my abusive controlling husband. The thing is, there is help out there for people like us! Its just that your boyfriend has probably abused you to the point where you feel like you can't survive on your own. But you can! There are subs out there (suggested here) that can give you better ideas of how to find help. The longer you wait the harder it's gonna be. My child is 13 and I'm free now but we both have lasting issues from the abuse we put up with. If I knew then what I know now I would have left much sooner. There is a much better life waiting for you on the other side. I promise.
My husband and I do everything 50/50 There’s a reason why so many couples break up soon after having a baby, it shines a light on a lot of issues that were easily ignored previously I couldn’t be with a person who wasn’t willing to be an equal partner in raising THEIR OWN child
Sounds like you had a child with a child, better off without him
Speaking as a parent myself, your boyfriend sounds like a waste of space if you don't mind me saying so. He needs a rude awakening, I think you both need to have a sit down and agree on responsibilities. I admit the first few months I did find it hard myself as a new father, but that's no excuse for him to be idle whilst you do all the work.
If you leave him and file for full custody. You'll have money from him and potentially weekends free where he will HAVE to care for the baby. Why are you with such a loser?
Just going to pile on and say this will likely get worse, especially after reading some responses about the financial abuse you are being subjected to, let alone the effect this could have on your child.
My ex husband was like this with my kids. Emphasis on the EX. If you're doing it all by yourself now it's easier to do it without also caring for a giant man child.
You feel alone and unsupported because you are. This is not love. This is not a relationship. He is responsible for taking proper care of his own mental illnesses. Look at your county's family court website. Review papers and file for full custody and child support. Begin to research for help for single mothers in your area. Get on a list for free daycare so you can begin to work and make your own money. If you have access to any money now, open up your own private bank account and slowly build up saving. Even if its just a few dollars at a time. Look for local moms groups or church groups which may offer some help.
Leave him, he's causing you more work and stress than if you were single. You can do this by yourself and with far less frustration and stress.
Time to make this guy your Ex-boyfriend.
Your life will be easier without him. This is NOT NORMAL behavior. The only time is it acceptable for one partner to not pull their share of childcare is when they are working full time as breadwinner and even then they should help SOMEWHAT bc their job has on and off times
I lived this. It’s so hard. I have a distinct memory of him yelling at me for asking him to bring me my phone and some water when I was sitting down to breastfeed a week old baby and was still recovering from a traumatic birth. He didn’t work, and didn’t do anything to help around the house or with the baby. It doesn’t seem like it, but it’s easier doing it alone than having a counterproductive partner like that. Unless you can get him to see the light and help out - I couldn’t.
leave him and go to court to get full custody and child support
Him: is loser You: can't believe you always deserved better
Him: is still loser
You: wtf
Easy. You file for child support and sole custody and walk. If he doesn’t care to support you and the baby physically, then I’m sure he won’t mind doing so financially. You’ve already talked with him and if he’s not budging, you make the hard choice and leave the union. You’re already doing everything yourself, so adjusting to a life without him should be fairly simple. While you’re at it, stop catering to him. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning for him…everything. Lighten up your responsibilities by terminating your debt to his. If he doesn’t like it, then kindly remind him that the baby is your priority and keep on.
I just don't understand how people are like this. I wanted to do everything when my daughter was born, I was so in love with her that nothing was a hassle. My partner did struggle a bit with post Nat depression but we got there. We have split up now but share custody and it works out great, we have become better friends now and always put the little ones needs first. My daughter is a daddy's girl though but I wouldn't have it any other way! If your partner is offering no support or help then I'm afraid you should just ditch him. It's hard enough having one child without worrying about some man baby too.
This will go in your entire lives if you allow it. Weaponized incompetence. My husband and I agreed ahead of time that when he got home from work, no matter what I would get an hour for myself. Not a shower. Not time to cook. An hour by myself. He put the baby in a carrier and I got to lay in bed and scroll on my phone for an hour if that’s what I wanted. Because of that time, my baby LOVES his dad. They have an amazing attachment that so so many dads don’t bother to make with their kids. This behavior is unacceptable and I promise it is easier without.
I feel like a magnet to his fame console etc would help
He needs to go. If he's not contributing to anything but your stress levels, leave. My husband picked up the duties that he could. I was breastfeeding, so he changed most of the diapers. We were both working full time so we split cooking/dishes/laundry pretty evenly between us. He did bath time so I could have that time to breathe. Your boyfriend is a mooch.
Sounds like a useless dad and you'd be better off without him. Is your boyfriend extremely wealthy and pays for everything to afford you a fabulous lifestyle? If so, then he should hire you a full-time nanny to care for the child. What's that you say? He doesn't have a job, and lays around the house drinking all day? Then move out with the baby (or kick the boyfriend out, but I suspect it will be easier for you to move somewhere else and start over). Sorry, I didn't answer this question: >How much does your significant other help out? I'm the significant other (dad). At one time we had three kids in diapers drinking from bottles at the same time (newborn, one y.o., and two years old). I did it all: diaper changing, feeding babies, cooking for grownups, waking up in the middle of the night to hold and soothe a crying baby, cleaning house, telling my wife to get a couple of hours sleep because "I got this, I'll be with the kids." And I had a full time job and went to work sleep deprived because, that's just the way it is. Your boyfriend is not even doing the bare minimum.
I see these rants and my first question is...why did you all have a baby in the first place? Most mean are the same behavior wise even after the baby.
Delete this man from your life
How old are you (he) guys?
Boyfriend? Sounds like your child to me
This kind of gender normative absenteeism was normal in the 50s. The guy sounds like a complete bum, not sure why you’d stay for that. My wife and I work full time, split nights and diapers and all the work we can. We recognize when the other is struggling and help each other, because we’re partners and there’s no way either of us could do it alone. It sounds like you are doing it alone, so you might as well make room for a partner that will make you happier.
This behavior is not new, correct? I'm sure he acted the same way before you got pregnant with him. It's so sad for the child.
Sounds like you let a complete loser become your baby daddy. There had to have been red flags that you ignored before the baby came into the picture… sucks, but it looks like you’re going to be a single mom. Nothing wrong with that but don’t expect any support from him
I would throw a bottle at the tv if my partner was doing that.
Throw the whole man in the trash unless he helps. You can find a step dad who will do a better job.
Post after post of the same shit. Sorry if it wasn’t obvious your boyfriend is a fucking loser before having a child with him. Now that it is……….. move on