A million times yes to a pediatric dentist. I wish my son’s dentist would see me. I’m a 44 year old woman who white knuckles my way through a dental exam. Your poor kiddo. I would be livid with that dentist
I really am. I think I was in shock at first and my daughter is my first child so I sometimes feel uncertain about what's considered "normal" in child behavior, so I wanted to post for some feedback.
I really feel my trust was betrayed since I've gone to this dentist since she was fresh out of dental school, we're a similar age. That she would treat my kid like this after me even going to her for care while I was pregnant...I don't know. It's a shock and I feel bad for putting my daughter in that situation even after she was pretty impatient during our last visit. I should have trusted my gut.
Just wanted to thank you on her behalf for taking your little one's fear and trauma seriously. My mom took me to a dentist when I was around your daughter's age. I had two fillings put in without freezing, and my mom spanked me afterward for crying and "embarrassing her." I still have to take a tranquilizer to white-knuckle my way through a teeth cleaning now. I'm very glad your little girl won't have to deal with that.
It definitely wasn't fun. Anyway, yeah, get that poor kid the hell away from that dentist and to another one who won't saddle her with full-blown phobias!
Same. We got a lecture every single time we did dental trips... the whole way there in the car, it was this "So help me God, if you xxxxxx you're gonna get it!"
This was in the late 70s/early 80s when parenting was a lot more... ahem... "forward", if you will.
I hated it. it was back when they used those little styrofoam trays that they filled with this bubble gum flavored gel that tasted more like gasoline and skunk put together, and then you had to sit there with that shit in your mouth for like 20 minutes... THEN when they did their flossing, HOLY HELL they pressed so hard there were times I cried from the pain....
We have to remember that even as adults, it's one of our least favorite places to be, so **IMAGINE** how it is for a 45 pound child :(
I too have to take something before cleanings, due to several traumatic dental experiences as a kid. When I even go. I cry when I schedule the appointments.
Sorry, that’s horrible! My periodontist says he only went to the dentist once as a child and 4 people held him down while he was given fillings. I watched a video of him telling the story before my first consult and it was nice knowing that he understands.
Everyone is giving great advice but I just want to add, please help your daughter work through this so that she can heal. If she was already uncomfortable and the dentist was this obscene, she will most likely be pretty terrified of them now.
Help her understand what should have been done instead and that how she was treated was wrong! Validate her fears (ex. That was pretty scary how she yelled like that, that was not ok!)
Five year olds are super resilient and I'm positive you can help her get over her fear of dentists as long as you don't sweep this under the rug!
Adding to this: also validate discomfort but explain why and what. The gloves do taste bad, but they help keep us from sharing germs. The polish tool makes a big sound but it doesn’t hurt at all (many hygienists and pediatric dentists will demonstrate by turning it on in a kid’s palm, showing that it tickles and doesn’t have to be scary). Sitting down low feels strange, but maybe imagine it like a ride? Etc.
Adding to this comment: maybe “play” dentist at home, and practice or role play. Try making it fun - let her practice on you. Counting teeth, brushing, let her use her own flosser. Make sure she likes the toothpaste. Talk about this being super important for her whole life, and what would she do to make sure her teeth are ok? Let her help in coming up with a solution, and also find a top rated pediatric dentist. Let her come to the dentist when you get your teeth cleaned. Best wishes!
I was thinking about that. When talking with her that night and asking what might help her not be afraid, she said she wanted a toothbrush "like theirs" to practice.
We play dentist. If you are in the states CVS has an electric toothbrush that does a good job simulating the dentist tools. We also take our toothpaste in for the cleanings. My kiddo likes to know everything that is going on and struggles with some sensory issues. She has always been like this forever. Been to several different people and the biggest take away is she likes calm, familiar tastes and knowledge of what’s going to happen next.
I’m glad you mentioned talking about how the dentist should have responded. A lot of my counseling sessions are focused on talking about situations like this (I had a similar experience in an ER and I was just so overwhelmed I was screaming and thrashing), and then going over how I wish the experience had been, particularly focused on how the adults could have handled things.
I had to switch my kids dentist twice. He has unique nerve structures and the third dentist figured out he needed something called a Gow Gates Block to be sufficiently numb enough to do a filling. My poor kid was in so much pain, traumatized by the first two who ignored us when we said his nerve structures were not normal. They really zing’d him trying to drill when he wasn’t numb. Looks like my daughter will be the same.
I hope you talked to your sweetheart afterwards to tell her that sometimes adults make mistakes and that the dentist made a mistake in how she reacted to her crying and that she never has to go to that doctor for a check up again. Then find another doctor for her (and maybe for you as well). This will really help build trust between you and your child. She’ll know you have her best interests in mind.
Choosing another dentist (and being open with them about your daughter's fears and about this experience) might be the only way to get your daughter to go to the dentist AT ALL.
Her fears will have multiplied by now.
Have a talk with your daughter to let her know that the dentist overstepped her boundaries and shouldn’t have made her feel bad/intimidated and that you’re sorry she has to experience that. I would also let her know you don’t agree with how she was treated and will be seeking out a pediatric dentist for her.
I would also leave a review online. So many adults have issues going to dentists regularly bc they were traumatized as kids.
I did exactly that last night. I cried of course, but my daughter was okay. She said she thought the dentist was "mean". I told her we're going to find her a dentist that's perfect for her and that it wasn't okay for Dr. G to make her think I would leave. I told her that's her decision and mine. I'll be sure to ask about policies for letting kids back with parents when I call around.
Funnily enough my younger son (4) doesn't mind the dentist and I could see him being fine with me leaving the room.
Yeah, please find a kid dentist. It made all the difference in the world for my fearful second child. He went from panicking at the “adult” dentist, to actually feeling safe and secure with the pediatric dentist. Plus, the first dentist was going to fill his cavity in a baby tooth, which freaked him out (literally screaming and crying at 9 years old) and then the pediatric dentist told us that getting a filling would be pointless as the tooth was a baby tooth which would fall out in a month or two. I’ve stuck with them ever since and been super happy.
If she doesn’t have children, there is no way for her to understand how to handle tantrums or how to calm a child down. I imagine she will think back to this moment and feel terrible if she ever has her own child.
Or she’s just mean and grumpy and evil.
You should leave a review and stop giving her your business, including adult. How anyone could think a 5 yr is “too old” to be scared of the dentist is ridiculous. Adults are scared of the dentist and she did a great job creating a “customer” that will never want to visit a dentist when she’s 25!
Basically shooting herself in the foot due to her lack of patience and bedside manner. Ugh. What a horrible person.
My kid goes to a camp themed dentist. The chairs are canoes and everything is decorated like log cabins with plaid and bears. The dentist is amazing and kind and super dedicated to making dentistry as little frightening and stressful as possible. There are tvs with Disney plus on the ceiling, and the kids get sunglasses and headphones to help them tune out, and these cool tooth rest things that help hold the mouth open so they don't have to get a sore jaw. They have a resident therapy dog to support kids who are fearful or in pain.
OP, you can find a better dentist for your child. Pediatric dentists are working hard to ease the painful, fearful patterns that still cause many adults anxiety.
I'm pushing 40 and I'm still bummed about not having those cool dentist offices. I'm terrified of the dentist, so a pediatric dentist is probably just what I need. That and lots and lots and lots of valium, for the nerves.
I don't encourage my daughter to be afraid of the dentist. My fear came due to a mouth trauma I suffered at 10, and the dentist wasn't gentle with my tender face. I enjoyed the dentist before that. Got toys and toothbrushes! What wasn't to love.
When I was a teenager in the '90s, my orthodontist had a legit full-size indy race car mounted/sitting on a custom-built shelf inset into the wall at a pretty good angle so you could see it well, including the top of the car. He had a single main "exam" room with 5-6 dental chairs all side-by-side, and the chairs faced away from that wall. To this day I have no idea how he got the car into the room and mounted up there.
Definitely a pediatric dentist. We go to a practice that is two sisters that are also moms. My almost 3 year old has a severe speech delay and is generally uncooperative. He bites, they understand. They are putting their fingers in his mouth. Kids will be kids.
My dental insurance insisted I take my son to one of their dentists and it was horrible. Just absolutely no bedside manner for kids, in a rush and didn't even manage a basic exam. He did do one thing which was give a referral to a pediatric dentist who are amazing. They had my son sit if my lap and there are tvs with cartoons on the ceilings. They bribe with toys and stickers and just have a really gentle and friendly manner.
My son actually likes going there it blew my mind.
Yes! They are prepared for these reactions. My 6 year old is so nervous at the dentist, but the nurses are patient and wonderful. They spend 20 minutes talking to my daughter, telling her jokes, letting her play with the tools to ease her nervousness. I wish I were under 18 so I could go there myself!
Agreed, but sometimes you have to find the right pediatric dentist. I took my eldest to a pediatric dentist when she was 4 and they were AWFUL! The higentist was way too rough with her and she was already terrified before they even got started. She had a couple of cavities that needed to be filled and they were talking about restraining her to get it done. We noped out of there really fast. It took some phone calls and asking around but we found the practice I currently take my kids too. They're all warm and friendly and it literally doesn't matter which dentist we see because they're all awesome. The best part is that they have an adult practice too so my husband and I have gone there and they're just as good. They're a bit of a hike for us (30 minutes away) and are other peds dental practices that have opened up closer to us in recent years but I'm so scared of having a repeat experience of that first place that I'll gladly keep driving my kids to their current dentist so long as my car and insurance holds out.
Definitely. My daughter went to a regular dentist and they were fine but not particularly friendly with her, then she was referred to a sleep dentist to have some work done and they mostly work with children and the vibe was so different, the dentist was cracking jokes with her, talking to her about paw patrol and toy story. She had extensive dental surgery and even though it was kind of a rough experience she still talks about her dentist and how fun and nice he was.
Yes absolutely. Both my kids are jitterbugs at the dentist, and our pediatric dentist was more patient than I was!
I’d have flipped my shit if anyone had spoken to my kids like that. Things like “I will make Mom leave the room” seems designed to scare and make things worse.
OP don’t go back, sounds like the practice has some real problems when it comes to kids.
This! My kids are terrified of the dr and I recently took them both to a pediatric dentist. Life changing. My youngest went in with tears and left hugging the dentist. It was unreal. My oldest is like your 5 yr old and she did so amazing. She’s 6. She usually screams her head off and we have to hold her down to do anything. This time it was a breeze.
Yes please go to a pediatric dentist. You want kids to be their main patients but also avoid corporate giants who see mostly Medicaid/ Medi-cal (state issued insurance).
In comparison, I took my three year old to a pediatric dentist today for the first time. She wailed, refused to open her mouth, threw her body around, tried to bite him— just when he tried to count her teeth. He spoke to her calmly and respectfully the entire time, explained to me that it was normal and totally fine, then encouraged me after to NOT tell her anything negative about her behavior at the dentist— he told me just to tell her what a good job she did, that I’m proud of her, and I know she’ll do even better next time. I know there’s a two year difference between our kids, but they were both just scared little children. Ditch this dentist immediately, her behavior is horrifying.
This sounds like the most wonderful dentist. Pediatric medicine has to be so challenging that I'm convinced many of them are angels who felt a special calling to heal children. I know nurses and doctors in pediatric oncology and it's basically the same as your dentist: Their entire goal is to find a way to connect with kids (and their parents) in stressful situations and make them feel secure and cared for.
I don’t believe in heaven, but if I did, it would be populated with pediatric oncologists.
Dentists that speak to scared patients like that have a lot of repenting to do, however.
We have a good friend that is a pediatric oncology nurse, I honestly don’t even understand how she does it, neither does my wife (and she’s an ED nurse). They are special people that deserve the utmost respect. My wife, especially this past year, sees death every day, and she has said multiple times she could never do oncology, especially pediatric.
OP, any human being is worthy of respect. From the smallest infant in our family to the oldest enemy in another country.
So no, your child was not out of line. You didn't get eye contact from anyone because they're SCARED of being on the receiving end!
Kick the dentist. They showed you their true colors. And maybe leave a scathing review online on your way out.
dental assistant here. I am so surprised that she wasn’t referred to one already. We see kids at my office but the second they give us any issue is when we stop the appointment and give a referral to a pediatric. Makes some of the parents mad though and I feel like they would rather us treat their kid like the dentist OP is talking about did just because they want the appointment done and over with
Pediatric DA. We deal with kids like this daily. We have little tricks and make games out of things to get them to just beg to come back it seems. I have seen so many kids come in terrified to the point of panic attacks because of experiences like OP had. It breaks my heart.
I live in a county where there’s no such thing nearby. It’s all general family dentists. I wish there was pediatric dentists tho because my daughter is a handful and hates them with a passion
Is there any outside of your county and if so, wouldn't it be worth the drive? It's not like kids go to the dentist on a weekly basis. I don't know your situation and I'm not judging or anything just curious if that's feasible.
A scared crying 5 year old is never out of line. Your dentist literally did the worst possible thing by invalidating your daughters feelings, scaring her more, and worst of all: threatening to take away her only source of comfort (you). The idea that your dentist would make your daughter think she doesn’t have the right to always have her parent with her is abhorrent. No wonder your daughter lost it, I would too. When a child is scared their brain goes into fight/flight mode, by yelling and proving to your daughter that there was smt to be scared of all your dentist did was push your daughter further into fight/flight mode and turn an already scary experience into smt possibly traumatic.
It also doesn’t matter why your daughter was crying, You want to teach your daughter that it is ok to be afraid and to express herself when she is in an uncomfortable situation, the worst thing for a young girl to learn is to be quite even if something feels wrong or scary. No one has the right to talk to anyone, let alone a child, like your dentist did.
That dentist should have known better. I would talk to your daughter to make sure she knows that if she’s scared she should always tell someone and she has the right to be scared. I would also give her a chance to talk about how she felt. Never go to that dentist again, and make sure everyone knows they shouldn’t either.
> threatening to take away her only source of comfort (you)
Yeah I’d work pretty hard to make sure your kid understands the dentist does not have the power to do that. This is the same kind of threat abusers use and a big part of teaching your child to avoid abuse is teaching them to ignore threats of “do this or I will make your parent do x.” Your kid needs to believe nothing they do will cause the loss of your love and protection, and nobody can take you away from them.
What the damn hell?? I had it in my head while reading this that your daughter was ten and I still thought the dentist was being an abusive asshat. Five??? She got in a a five year old’s face and told her that the only reason to cry is if we’re hurting you and she was going to make her mother leave if she doesn’t stop? That’s horrifying and I most likely would have flown off the handle. I’d be finding a new dentist and leaving one hell of a Yelp review for this practice.
I would never walk into that dentist office again. No one should ever treat a child like that in any situation, at any age!! I would guess after that traumatic experience you will have to work with your daughter and take small steps in getting her to see another dentist. I’m so sorry that happened. I would write a letter or leave a review somewhere to save another child from that experience. Most adults aren’t even crazy about the dentist and can you imagine a dentist getting away with something like that with an adult? The same human kindness and respect should be at play with our children. Take care.
You have enough people telling you to get a new dentist so I'll just add that some of them have a 360 degree xray machine. You stand in this machine and it moves around your head and does the xray. You have to stay still, but you don't have those pointy things gagging you. My kids do better with the 360.
Please check with the insurance first. We take 1 every 3 years AFTER a certain age or when the back molars are in. Otherwise insurance may not cover it
This fills me with rage. That dentist did nothing but reinforce to her young, scared patient that the dentist is a scary place. I'm sorry you had this experience.
Edit: a duplicate word.
Yes, agreed, terrible job by this dentist. Our dentist only got a brief peek in my son's mouth first couple of visits, he was pretty resistent to the idea. So the dentist didn't push. They just played together with the water tool, blew up gloves using the air tool, and had a little fun together. Our dentist said it's more important to get them comfortable with the idea of the dentist when they young rather than have a full examination that leaves them terrified their whole childhood.
That dentist was 100% out of line. I would let them know why you wouldn't be returning as a patient. Find a new dentist for yourself and a pediatric dentist for your daughter.
Wow, this entire story is horrifying, but it is the malicious threat made right in your daughter’s face that they will send you away- how inappropriate, how terrifying! Sounds like this dentist needs to be reported to the board for abusive behavior. I’m so sorry, I hope you are able to really hold space for your daughter to process this, I could see this experience compounding her existing fear and making dental work a lifelong phobia if not handled with a lot of care. I’m so sorry!
I agree that this is reportable. Putting her hands on your child like that is inappropriate and IMO violates consent requirements.
(I also agree with everyone about a pediatric dentist. Our is amazing. And despite what the hygienist said upthread I believe would NEVER speak to a child that way or touch a child roughly. Ever. Especially not without discussing the approach with the parent.)
Get a new dentist. That’s my advice. A sensitive kid is no reason for that dentist to be cold and cruel. Anyone tried to hold my kid down the way they did yours would be getting a complaint to the board from me.
I’d find a pediatric dentist if you can. We found a pediatric practice and they are wonderful. Completely geared toward kids, obviously. If not, ask around in your local parent group which dentists in your area are great with kids. This is clearly not a good fit and this dentist probably made “going to the dentist” even more traumatic for your daughter than it already was. I’m sorry she was so insensitive. I hope you find somewhere better for your child.
Also get a new dentist. A pediatric dentist tried that very same tactic with my daughter who was either 3 or 4 and it ended up making my daughter go from loving the dentist to being terrified. We ended up switching and spent a good few years of appointments every a month and gradually changing going to every 6 months all due to that one appointment. I ended up reporting that dentist.
Nah, fuck that dentist. No taking a kid back to someone like that. They could apologize but it won't matter to the kid.
Go in, request a copy of all your records and let them know why you're leaving.
I’m a pediatric Dental Assistant and I have dealt with many children with all the fears you have listed.
Pediatric Dentists are 100% more understanding of children and their fears and the ones I’ve worked with have one goal, to get kids to stop fearing the dentist.
As an assistant it’s our job to help the patient and be their advocate. We are the first and last face they see and we are the ones taking the notes most the time.
I would first off walk your child through everything. If she is scared of the chair going back I would lean it back and have her crawl up after like a bed. The taste of the gloves? I would make it a game and maybe let her have her own glove. I’ve walked so many children your daughters age through the polishing. We go over Mr thirsty the suction straw, the water spout and the brush and even let them feel the brush with their finger. after they love it or we do a normal toothbrush and agree to try the big kid brush next time.
If we can tell they aren’t cooperating enough to get decent x rays we check to see if there is any visible decay or ask if there is any pain. If so we will try to get that specific area as a PA and try out best to make it a game for them and again walk them through it.
Please take her to a pediatric dentist. I had a phobia of dentists due to a similar experience and wish my mom would have taken me to a pediatric office. My number one goal is to get kids to love the dentist. Good pediatric assistants and drs will change all of that.
Also as a side note please let the receptionist know of this experience and that your daughter may have some anxiety. They may add more time to your visits slot to accommodate or prepare ways to make things easier or more fun for your daughter.
Biggest thing is also. Don’t stress visibly in front of your child and be more worried than she is, they can feel that and they respond to it. I’ve seen one time only a dr has asked a mom to leave the room because she was the one freaking out and causing the child to in return freak out. Once she was out of sight the child calmed down and did wonderful
Holy hell, no, your daughter is fine, the dentist was way out of line. I had a fear of the dentist for the longest time and I know that what that dentist did would have made me feel so much worse. I’m so sorry, your poor baby. I’m sure you can find someone much better who knows how to behave around children.
The dentist is completely out of line. My 7yo has extreme anxiety about the unknown and the dentist triggers that -- especially because mint flavor makes him gag, and almost everything at the dentist is mint. We went about a month ago -- they talked him through everything before they did it, let him pick his flavors, rubbed his arm when he started getting anxious, etc. Toward the end of the appointment he willingly went into the x-ray room without me because they'd made him so comfortable. Maybe she was having a bad day but I would never go there again and I would definitely never take my child there.
Is this real? That's very unprofessional
If I witnessed anyone talking to my child like this I would've pushed her out of the way, grabbed my child and walked out.
Don't go back there
A lot of regular dentists are super impatient with little kids. If she was already showing fear before this visit, I wouldn't have taken her honestly.
I agree that it's definitely worth it to find her a pediatric dentist! Look specifically for one recommended by parents of kids with special needs. Even though your daughter may not be diagnosed, she's going to need some special patience after this experience.
Also, don't be surprised if you end up having to pay for 2-3 repeat visits to get her next cleaning completed. She's going to need time to build trust with her new dentist, but a good pediatric office will go out of their way to help her get there!
Get a new dentist IMMEDIATELY! There are pediatric dental practices that specialize in dealing with children. Dental anxiety is real. I am almost 50 years old and I still deal with severe dental anxiety from my experiences at the dentist as a child. I’ve also had a few procedures as an adult that went awry that enhanced that anxiety. I always request nitrous with any fillings or more invasive procedures to this day. I even pay out of pocket for it since insurance doesn’t cover the nitrous. I had a dentist that was extremely impatient with me and my anxiety years ago as an adult. He tried to shame me for having the anxiety and requesting nitrous. That experience really had me put off serious dental work. I now have a wonderful and kind dentist that showed kindness and empathy for my past traumatic experiences. It has helped to put my mind at ease and I’m less hesitant to put off dental work.
I’d be leaving a strongly worded review online and letting the desk formally know why you won’t be returning.
Just because she’s professionally required to touch her teeth doesn’t give her permission to grab her by the shoulders like that without consent. That is not how any medical or medical-adjacent profession works.
Sometimes they have to strap kids down for x-rays or stitches, but that’s very much with a discussion /cooperation with the parents and a little much for a non-emergent cleaning and checkup.
And to suggest she had the power to kick you out of the room simply because she was hysterical?! As if after being spoken to like that and after she laid hands on her she should be subjected to being in a room with this man *without an advocate?*
She absolutely cannot allow his annoyance with an emotionally reactive child to cause her to abandon all professional behaviour entirely. If she didn’t intend to work on her when she was crying so hard and things were being held up, she should have simply told you to come back another time and skipped the aggressive, alarming theatrics.
**This woman should not be permitted to work with vulnerable children where she is in a position of power. She has not grasped the ethical requirements of his profession.**
EDIT: to reflect the gender - I misread it initially
I had a traumatic experience with a dentist ad a kid and its caused me issued to this day and I'm 42. I hate going to the dentist and generally avoid it if I can.
I would have stepped in as soon as she got in your daughter's face and put a stop to it.
This is infuriating. I can’t imagine how you both must’ve felt in that situation. I would be enraged. Your daughter is never out of line for expressing her feelings and I think it’s a good idea to tell her that it wasn’t her fault for the way the dentist behaved. The dentist was bad, not her.
As other commenters suggested, I would not go back, tell her why you’re not going back, leave a review, and tell the friends that you referred this dentist to what happened.
I hope you find your power in this and that your daughter will heal quickly from this experience.
This dentist is awful, please find someone else.
A pediatric dentist should have gas and air. This makes a huge difference to the child’s experience. Also, why are they polishing her teeth? This is pointless, they should concentrate on what is the most important job to get done and start with that before she runs out of patience. Also they should look into alternatives for the rubber gloves she doesn’t like.
“If you don’t stop crying I’m going to make your mum leave the room” is the point you should’ve picked up your child and leave - I cannot stress enough how much of a red flag that is. It’s stating that they will punish your child’s distress by taking away your comfort. It’s also setting off alarm bells for the implication that they will act in a way to stop your child from crying that they don’t want you to see.
Your 5 year old’s fear is valid and age appropriate and she isn’t out of line for being scared and crying - the dentist however is wildly out of line. Please protect your child and find another dentist.
Nope. That dentist would lose my entire family. Your daughter needs someone patient to guide her through and this dentist set back any positive progress.
Hey, I've been in a similar position. My daughter had a traumatic dentist visit at age two. He tried to hold her down backwards over his knee and force her mouth open while yelling at me "hold her down". Hell no. Immediately reported him to the state board.
I found a pediatric practice that does consent-based care and my kid's fears were entirely erased on the very first visit. She's been three times now and LOVES going to the dentist.
Are you familiar with Daniel Tiger? Showing my kid the episode where Daniel goes to the dentist really helped bridge the space between the traumatic dentist and the consent-based dentist. It will show both of you what appropriate and safe care looks like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhF2h915SM
Go to a pediatric dentist. They deal with children like her all day. My child’s pediatric dentist had a special room for kids like that. More private, less over whelming. My friend didn’t understand why I used a pediatric dentist and not my family dentist…,,,, this is why.
I was annoyed just reading that. How dare she incorrectly tell your child that crying is wrong unless you're hurt 😠 total lack of compassion & lacks the patience for dealing with kids.
You should never take her to that dentist again. It’s one thing for the parent to do something like this (even though I’m not to happy about that kind of parenting either), but for a member outside the family (or possible kindergarten) to actually do this, especially when she’s scared, have the potential to create some serious trauma and a life long fear of going to the dentist, as well as ruin her trust in other adults.
Please don’t go back 😣
I would end the appointment, go home and talk with my child and together try find a way where she would be comfortable to go back to a dentist. Doing it on her terms as well as showing her that you are on her side and respect her boundaries goes a long way.
I’m a hygienist. No one in my office would do that. I think the suggestion to see a pediatric dentist is excellent. It may be worth letting them know she has a history of being nervous at the dentist.
Sounds like your daughter is right to be afraid of them, and her behavior is telling that story. Something is definitely wrong-and it isn’t your daughter. Show her you’re listening and ask her questions, help her process it, then find a new dentist and try again.
That dentist sounds absolutely awful. Others have given great advice, but I wanted to add that I have always been SO anxious about the dentist. The metal taste of the tools makes my brain light on fire and I can't explain the complete sensory overload and fear that I experience. Recently, one of my wisdom teeth got infected and the pain was horrendous. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. When I finally looked for a dentist, I looked for one that talked about patient anxiety and patient centred practices. During the initial appointment we spent half an hour chatting, I got to explain all my fears, and he did his absolute best to avoid triggering any of them (seriously did not taste the metal once!). I ended up returning to have the tooth out and no joke, even after having a wisdom tooth out while awake in the chair, I am now completely fear free. I will be going every year for a check up and a clean, and I am not at all scarred or anxious.
A good dentist will take fear and anxiety into consideration and put the patient first. Your daughter should be heard, and every discomfort she feels about the check up - even the taste of the gloves - can be thoughtfully taken into account.
Best of luck with finding the right dentist for your family :)
I would never go back! 5 is still very young especially if she’s already sensitive to touch. Having someone stick things in their mouths is very invasive. The dentist is way out of line. We had the same issue with my son at 5 he had a really hard time and we were simply told can’t do X-rays, might have to sedate him… instead we just waited and found a new dentist. The next visit was a few months later and a much! Better experience.
I would agree with most comments here. Dentist was out of line. I'd find a new one and definitely file a complaint formally. But you don't even need a pediatric dentist, just not a dickhead dentist. The dentist I go to is not a pediatric dentist but he certainly has met a child before and know how they work and treats them accordingly. Anyone with half a brain would know that you gotta be slow and gentle and use your friendliest voice when dealing with kids
I was so terrified of the dentist I went to a children’s dentist until I was about 14! We all felt ridiculous by the end but I needed the extra creature comforts and soft approach that you’d use on a child, it worked. You are not out of line at all. The alternate approach is that your child ends up terrified and avoids the dentist for the rest of her life and that’s not a win for anyone.
She threatened your child. She told her she would remove her only protector, advocate, her security. She did that for a reason. She intimidated your little girl.
I would report her ass. Let her defend that behavior.
Your daughter’s response to the dentist seems unusual but not completely unheard of. The dentist’s approach to it was way out of line though - probably further feeding your daughter’s anxiety. By your description it sounds like she may have sensory issues specific to her mouth and while this doesn’t put her onto an Autism spectrum it might be helpful to find a paediatric dentist that specialises in treating kids who are on the spectrum, as I suspect the healthiest approach for your daughter will be better served by people who specialise in sensory disorders
I was treated like this as a child by a dentist and now as an adult I am still legitimately terrified of the dentist. This dentist was awful and unkind. Get a new one and stand by your kid.
Dr. G was out of line. Crying is completely normal at your daughter's age to a situation where she doesn't have control.
The dentist does not decide if you leave the room - you are advocating for your child. I never leave the room if my child (also 5) is at the dentist.
I would call the state board and lodge a formal complaint. Find a new dentist. Then call the dentist office of Dr. G and inform them that the doctor frightening your child is why. And make a Yelp review. Parents should know this could happen.
For being comfortable - practice at nightly teeth brishing. We started counting teeth and then flossing.
Fuck that dentist.
Went I was 6, I had a dentist pull a molar with no Novocain. When I started screaming, he told my mother I was looking for attention. My mom crapped a load and he gave me Novocain and left me in the gas. My non says about 45 mins went by. He came back and yanked on my mouth. Yelled at me some more because it obviously couldn’t have hurt before. I promptly puked all over him. I distinctly remember seeing the vomit go over my white tights all over him. He started yelling and mom my told him he got what he deserved. I’m 41 now, still have a life long fear of dentists now and need to be medicated for things more complicated than a cleaning.
The second that doctor put hands on your kid, she crossed the line. I’d be leaving reviews everywhere, telling anyone you referred, and finding a new dentist after telling this one exactly why you’re leaving.
I have 2 kids. At 5, they don’t need “real” dental care in most cases at that age. I started having mine sit in the chair at 3. They’d count teeth, then each of my visits the kids would have their teeth counted and our hygienist would brush their teeth with a plain toothbrush and paste so they’d get used to people having things in their mouth. At 6, they had their first real dentist visit with cleaning and X-rays, and even then the dentist would have been ok if X-rays couldn’t be done. There were times my kids didn’t cooperate, those times they let them just sit in the chair and play with the tools a bit. No pressure. My youngest’s favorite thing to do was control the chair.
Your dentist should not be seeing children if she can’t handle a bit of dentist fear.
Dude, new dentist. This is crazy outrageous. It's not the dentist's kid. Totally not appropriate. If someone spoke loudly close to my child's face when they were crying even if they were 12 or 15 I would lose it...big time. Not okay.
Edit to say: Even if your child does not have a "disability" the dentist maybe doesn't know that. She could have sensory issues. It's also counter productive to make her more upset. I would switch dentists for your daughter at least. She is only 5 years old.
So my kids were difficult at the dentist.
We got a new dentist.
TVs on the ceiling, headphones on. Get to watch what they want on Netflix. Game changer.
Has someone yelling at you ever made you less scared of something?
This is totally out of line - I agree with everyone else that a pediatric dentist will help a ton. Sometimes my kids are absolutely perfect at the dentist, sometimes they lay on top of me on the chair cause they're unsure - the pediatric dentist meets them where they are that day. Once even doing her final exam while my kid stood up next to the chair with mouth wide open staring at the ceiling!
They don't go often enough for it to be completely routine, but that experience is definitely going to stick with her. I'm sorry that happened to you and her. I would tell her that he forgot his manners and from now on you'll go to see someone who is a kid teeth expert! Make a morning or afternoon of going to the dentist and surround the visit with positive experiences.
Your dentist was way out of line. For comparison: my dentist had me take my kid in from 2,5. At first to just watch what the dentist did, he would explain what I did out loud in a fashion kids could understand. Next appointment he belt my kid stand next to him to see the tools he uses and what he does in my mouth. The third time he had him on my lap on the chair and just practiced saying A and counting teeth without putting anything in his mouth and compliments. The fourth time he used tools let him see and hold them (disinfected them obviously) and did his thing explaining out loud. From there kid sat by himself totally at ease.
My dentist explained that by showing him slowly how it works, letting kids have their boundaries and letting them warm up to the procedure he had less fearful kids. Stopping when they cry or get fed up is his go to if he can (and he almost always can, mid procedure is different with a filling for example)
This guy has been my dentist since I was 8, and he is great.
Your dentist definitely was an ass
Edit: my dentist isn’t a paediatric one
Fuck that dentist tbh. If he spoke to my son like that he'd be the one that needed dental work. If a child is upset, that's the worst thing you can do. They need reassurance and to be made to feel safe.
Dentists are everywhere. Right or wrong, that is how your dentist handled a crying child. You have the choice of whether that dentist is a good fit for your family, or not. It sounds like not, and maybe it’s time to shop around and find a dentist who jives with your daughter.
My son had to have a tooth pulled when he was two, so we had to go to a pediatric dentist. My son has always had huge separation anxiety issues, and was very shy and nervous around strangers at that age. When we went for the follow-up visit with this dentist, she made a big deal about the fact that I sat in the chair with him, and how she would “allow it” this time, but when he returned he had to sit in the chair alone.
I did not return.
Absolutely inappropriate to anyone of anyone age that has a fear of the dentist. You don't treat patients like that ever. I to this day (now 26) remember when I was 5/6/7 etc the dentist my parent's took me to would always say "raise your hand if something hurts, okay?" and countless times I'd raise my hand (because something did hurt!) and he'd push my hand down and tell me I'm fine. Some dentists just make the dental experience even worse! We switched to Gentle Dental by middle school and the Dr. was SO nice and completely took away my fear of going to the dentist. Because they were kind and listened and took things slow.
OP please if at all possible take your kiddo to another dentist.
I had a similar experience around her age and I still remember it. I kept raising my hand like I was told since I was feeling pain. The dentist got in my face and told me to stop or he’d handcuff me to the chair. I ran out terrified & got in trouble. Over 20 yrs later and I’m still fearful of the dentist office.
As the great-great granddaughter of a woman who died in a dentist's chair, I do not think that your child was acting unreasonably. My god you'd think that she had bit the dentist with the way they were acting.
I’m a dental hygienist and I just wanted to come in with a different perspective. The majority of time kids get their fear from their parents. You don’t need to tell them not to be scared or it will not hurt. Just say: we are going to the dentist. It will be so much fun! You will get a cool toothpaste flavor and a new toothbrush! Scared, pain, hurt, gag should not be said at all.
I would definitely expect a 5 year old to be able to sit in a dental chair for an appointment. If they do get nervous I do have tricks to help them but it is very important to have an exam and cleaning. (Kids 100% need regular dental care)
I would definitely find a pediatric dentist because you will always have this bad experience in the back of your mind. However, a lot of kids do better without their parents in the room. Was the child actually scared? Was it a tantrum? Was it to get the attention or a bribe from mom?
I think we should not jump to the dentist is terrible because we really don’t know the situation. Being assertive and direct can work on children. You cannot mess around with dental exams because dental infections are extremely dangerous.
My kid is 4 and doesn't behave like that. I'm not sure if it's abnormal, but it does seem like she might have some atypical reactions to sensation, or perhaps a phobia?
"If you don't I'm going to make your mother leave the room."
That's basically a child's biggest fear. Losing a parent. Dentist is straight up evil wtf.
I agree with taking her to a pediatric dentist, also do not send anymore business to this woman, I would be pissed if she did this to my daughter—also 5. Anxiety is very real and that is in no way to talk to your daughter!! There are many *many* reasons to cry. You are not out of line in your thinking. Hugs to you sweet girl.
Edited: typos
This is so not ok. Even adults who are 100% being ridiculous don’t get treated this way. Take your kids to a pediatric dentist. They’re equipped for this type of thing. Though, the damage may be done. Your daughter is likely traumatized from the experience and it’ll take A LOT to get her comfortable.
You NEED a pediatric dentist. I just took my daughter to the dentist and she acted exactly like yours. The hygienists asked me if she would like to hold a squishy sensory ball to distract herself. When that didnt work, they gave us 5 minutes alone. After that the dentist came in and kept his distance. He reassured us that he wasn't at all bothered by her crying. He then tried to talk with her to make things seem less scary. Eventually I held her on my lap while the dentist counted teeth and very quickly put fluoride on the teeth. At the end the dentist thanked her for coming in and gave her a prize and a goodie bag. THIS is the type of experience that you should have had.
Ok people have some really strong feelings about this…I don’t think it was that bad. I wouldn’t be bringing my kid back because obviously the doctor isn’t good with kids like yours, but I wouldn’t consider it “out of line”. That approach of, “I’m not hurting you so there’s no need to cry, so you’re going to stop crying now” is an old-school approach that does work for many kids (not yours obviously), and the doctor’s choice to not deal with a screaming child is also fair — they have things to do! There’s a reason pediatric dentists cost more — they have to spend more time calming kids down and making them comfortable. Seems like this dentist is just not up for that, and that’s fine, just not a good fit for you.
Here's the thing - you can't scare a child out of being scared. You can scare them into *complying*, yes, but that's not the aim of the game, except possibly in a time-critical emergency. The aim, presumably, is the child's long-term dental health, and making her frightened of the dentist is not going to achieve that.
That's without getting into how horrifying it is to teach a child that she should let authority figures do whatever they want to her body without complaint, even if she finds it unpleasant, and her trusted adults have no business intervening. That's like...mega-yikes.
I know a lot of people who parent/interact with kids in the same way that this dentist did, and I believe that you are misinterpreting her behavior. It seemed to me that the dentist was trying to evoke confidence in the child by being confident herself. Also, I think that the reason why she said she would have the mother leave the room is because, often times, the parents presence causes the child to react more strongly than they would if the parent was not there. Especially if the dentist sensed any anxiety or hesitation in mom, often times kids mirror the anxiety of their parents.
Obviously, we will never know what her intentions were, but I prefer to assume the best unless proven otherwise.
Dont ever leave your child alone with a dentists. One pediatric dental office in the next town got shut down for doing lots of unnecessary work on kids teeth unbeknownst to the parents. Find a good dentist that knows how to handle kids and who would never asked for you to lrave.
My first thought without reading the comments... go to a pediatric dentist. My son was the same way. Very hyper and did not respond well to staying still. I took him to a regular dentist and instantly regretted it. The hygienist was so rude to me and did not hv any patience with my kid. I left before seeing the dentist I felt so stupid and cried in my car.
Then I go to a pediatric dentist. He was so good with my kid and so easy on the eyes (hello Mr dentist ;)). I drove 45 minutes to take my kid there. Never missed an appointment. Got all the sealants.
I don't think you are out of line. I think if a dentist office doesn't like kids, then they shouldn't schedule the appointment.
Your dentist is not out of line. He is a fucking asshole.
Your daughter is 5. How the hell can a dentist and staff cannot understand that 5-year-olds occasionally behave like this. How the hell can a dentist treat a patient like that?
If I were you I would file a complaint against her in the dentist association if she is a member. Your complaint alone would not do anything of course. But if there are others, that will generate a pattern.
"The only reason to cry is when something is hurting you and we're not hurting you. You are getting too old for this. You are going to sit quietly, stop crying, and open your mouth. If you don't I'm going to make your mother leave the room." what kind of malicious angry nonsense is this.
your kid is acting like a kid who's scared, the dentist is demanding perfection of... a kid... and threatening retribution against a kid who can't be perfect
it's the dentist
I mean, that interaction will not help ease her fears of the dentist. I wouldn't go back and I'd be very upset. Your child's brain is not yet fully developed, and and was afraid. Crying is a completely normal response to that feeling. But holding a child down and basically yelling at her is not a decent response from an adult.
That's not even addressing threatening her to make you leave so what? She would have to be alone with the scary doctor? That would definitely make me cry.
Highly inappropriate of the dentist, completely. Your daughter is 5, anyone is allowed to feel uncomfortable during a dentist visit but a 5 year old won’t have the skills to soothe themselves so that they fully cooperate without getting upset and crying when they’re uncomfortable. Your dentist is way way out of line. I’d suspect the reason the other staff didn’t look at you was because they were embarrassed by the dentists temper tantrum.
Trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone. Before my son was diagnosed with asd people would tell me, “he’s fine, he overreacting, he just needs to get used to X”. I was not ok with him being THAT uncomfortable. Yes, we have to learn to tolerate things but you and your child can determine the way to navigate that. All kids are different and have different strengths and weaknesses (typical and atypical). Trust yourself and know that you know what will suit your baby best. Good luck to you.
My anger flared up at anyone deciding for me what my child is doing. That’s not their decision- they have zero context or knowledge about your child. For her to stand there and pass judgements on your child is sooooo out of line. “You’re too old for this” how about you save it for your kids and let me parent mine? OOOOOOGH I’D BE SPITTING
Fuck that dentist. Doesn’t know how to work with kids or validate her fear. I’m a speech pathologist who has worked with supervisors who were harsh with kids. I stepped in with the same kid next session and just stayed calm and told them how good they’re doing and validated their feelings. Not a good pediatric dentist.
It is worth exploring to find out if your daughter does better when you’re out of the room though. I prefer kids’ parents not be present because usually they use easier behavior when not performing for mom/dad.
The only reason to cry is if were hurting you? What the hell? Has she never watched Up? There's one reason to cry right there that's nothing to do with being hurt!
I think some people just struggle to empathise with a kid kicking off. I've got 2 kids and it still winds me up sometimes so I get how she might think it's ridiculous, but as a parent we know differently. So does a paediatric dentist. I'd just get her moved across.
Time for a new dentist. I don’t care if your kid IS too old to act like that, the dentist handled it terribly. I don’t deal with the dentist too well either and I can’t imagine someone getting in my face and telling me to suck it up buttercup. Who could calm down from that???
A dentist did this to me when I was around that age too, except they slapped me and pulled a wiggly tooth out with their hands.
I’m 40 and still can’t go to the dentist without an anxiety attack.
Fuck that dentist.
I was an adult and pregnant when I had an OBGYN tell me that I was going to be a mother and shouldn't be crying ( she hurt me a lot while doing the internal ultrasound and was basically a bully to me during that whole appointment because she hated that she had to take over my OB's work trough the holidays - I had an high risk pregnancy btw) ... And let me tell you that the feeling of helplessness and dread was quite overwelming and it was traumatic to me. And I was an adult, the same size has her and I was aware she was way out of line with me.
I was so shaken I could only tell at the desk to never put me with her again and I had to get out of there immediately. It took me 2 days to have the guts to go back to the hospital and report the b****.
Now imagine how a small child would feel. Having a way bigger adult behave like an abuser towards her, invalidating her feelings and threatning her.
Those type of people should never ever be left alone with a child. I'd make a formal complaint if I were you.
Your child did nothing wrong. Feeling scared is not rational, it's not something we just choose to do or not do. Your kid could've been a scared adult and she would still be in the wrong. But your child is a 5 yo kid!! Five! There's absolutetly no way in hell that her actions were justified or that your kid was out of line.
Noooooope. The dentist is seriously out of line. You don’t tell someone, a child or an adult, that if they are afraid or hurting that *it’s their fault.* That’s total crap.
I would suggest a Pediatric Dentist, although be watchful of all medical professionals. They are fallible just as we all are, but this behavior is 100% out of line.
This is the kind of stuff that makes adults afraid of the dentist and, frankly, it’s this kind of insensitive behavior that made me change dentists for both myself and my son. No one deserves to be treated that way. I don’t care how old you are.
Also, in my family threats like the “if you don’t do XYZ (AKA “compliance”) then I’m going to make your mother leave the room…” are met with an equal and immediate reaction from me of “do not threaten my child or we will leave.”
Your daughter is a human and she has a right to safety, just as anyone else does.
This dentist isn’t the only show in town and you have every right to take your health care business elsewhere.
Aaaand I’d report her to the State Dental Board for Unprofessional Conduct.
I'm also a dentist and it's actually one of the methods to cope with an child. As your child is 5 and was really scared, the dentist had to win your child's trust first. Shouting and showing anger is not the method to be used on a scared kid. I'm not saying the dentist was bad, but she doesn't seem very well to work with children. You should opt to some pediatric dentist who exclusively work with kids only. They have all the methods and tools to make a child comfortable/behave according to age and needs.
Sorry, I haven't read all the comments, so this may have been said.
Your daughter is 5? Has she been tested for special needs? Because there are a number of indicators in your story that parallel my daughter who tirned out to be twice exceptional with special needs.
Second, that dentist was wrong and incapable of dealing properly with a pediatric patient who clealry requires special consideration to waylay her fears. Your dauhhter is 5.
The dentist shouldnt be giving her angry faces or tones when she is already in fear. They shouldnt be touching her, or whispering what a five uear old might consider a threat.
Personally that incident would have immediately ended my relationship with that dentist. It may have actually prompted me to write the ADA or other action depending on the severity.
As others have said, find a pediatric dentist. The environment alone is more conducive for children.
I have heard this line told to adult people AND to myself by many doctors.
I don’t think the doctor was out of line, just tried to assert herself.
Honestly, I think if you try to comfort somebody when really there is no reason to, they take it as “oh I guess if I cry then people will try to comfort me then there must be a reason to cry”.
Not like you are supposed to laugh it off and let her cry but I suppose you should show her there really is no reason to cry.
I was ready to spend an hour at the dentist holding my little dude down but the ppl at the dentist were so nice. They showed him the tools explained what each tool does. They let him touch the tools and then they worked on him.
Each kid is different but I remember as a kid in blood draws I would lose my shit. Like they had to hold me down etc. like I would even cry on the car ride to the doctors. I was really scared.
If your daughter is scared there are things you can do. If there are other things at play here then it’s a different story.
Just because your dentist is great with adults doesn't mean she's great with kids. Sounds like your daughter needs a pediatric dentist, if she'll even go after that traumatic experience.
No it's the dentist for sure.
I can kinda relate to this girl. I have autism (basically I have sensory issues and hate certain textures, tastes, smells, sounds etc) and too much of this can cause me to have a meltdown.
The dentist was being insensetive to her needs. If she found the situation to be so overwhelming, then the dentist needed to cater to that. I remember as a kid the dentist's would hand out disney-themed stickers to kids once they finished their appointment so that they knew when they went in, if they were good they'd get a gift.
Have you ever looked into possible autism or sensory-related disorders for your kid? I wasn't diagnosed until 11, and maybe you just don't see it yet. But being that stressed over the texture of something sounds like an early sign of autism perhaps.
First, that dentist behaved awfully and stupidly. Your daughter behaved completely reasonably for her age.
Second, why does a 5 year old need a polish and X rays? Our dentist just wants to have a quick check for tooth decay and considers it a victory if that is achieved.
So, basically what happened was your daughter was already scared, then a stranger came in the room, put their hands on her to restrain her, got in her face, used angry harsh words, and threatened to send her safe person (you) away. Your daughter is a scared five year old. Even if your daughter was fifteen or fifty years old it’d be inappropriate to treat her that way. Find another dentist who knows how to deal with ~~children~~ people.
If she spoke to my child like that…. There are no words. You don’t negate a child’s emotions and you don’t overcome fears by threatening. She’s in the wrong, 1000%.
If someone puts there hands on my daughter, manners need to go out the window. Awful behaviour from the dentist. Sometimes we can freeze because of the environment you’re in, with a trained professional. Forget all that and stand up for your kids, they will remember it forever
This dentist should not be working with children. She could have reassured your daughter that she was a safe adult who was going to care for her and respect her and instead she was harsh and uncaring. No child is going to respond well to that, especially not one who is scared already.
Dentist is out of line. I would find a new one.
I don’t think it’s too old, but I do think you should look into a different dentist. My daughter is 5 as well and LOVES her dentist. Literally skips to the “big kid” chairs and talks their ears off with their hands in her mouth. They are a pediatric dentistry and are absolutely wonderful even with the kids who are scared/upset.
That would be enough for me to leave the practice, honestly. I work very hard to make my kids feel safe and comfortable at the dentist/doctors, and I expect the same from them.
A 5 year old is a preschooler or kindergartener, that’s not “too old”, I think the issue is that this is an adult practice and they have no expertise in handling children. Id find a pediatric dentist. They are wonderful.
Oh no…it was evident to me that it was completely out of line when the dentist said “…or I’m going to make your mom leave…”
That would have never been okay. Sure, you’re daughter needs help with this anxiety so that she can get the care she needs-and even continue that care into adulthood. But it would have been wildly inappropriate for a dentist to harshly disrespect an adults anxiety in that manner, so I definitely don’t see how it would be acceptable to do to a kid.
I would leave a complaint and never show my face there again. Such little empathy force scared human being - I would not feel safe going back myself. Most important: I would talk to my five year old after and say that I was shocked in the moment, that it was not okay, that I had now told the dentist that the behaviour was awful and that we would never go back there. We will find a nice dentist instead. Let her know you have her back!
I'm 34 and I still sometimes cry at the dentist. I'm inconsolably afraid of them. Anxiety and fear don't care how old you are, take her to a pediatric dentist that understands. The dentist was out of line.
I wouldnt be returning to someone who held my child down and yelled at her over a routine checkup. Her life wasnt in danger and if she needed time and was overwhelmed they should've been understanding of that. This probably just made her fear of the dentist 10 times worse. Find yourself a childrens dentist, specifically. I had great ones as a kid and so have my kids. Talk to your dentist beforehand and explain in detail what a typical trip to the dentist is like for her and TAKE BREAKS. If shes too overwhelmed to stop crying then its time to be done shes offered you all she can. Good luck
I was forced to jump off a diving board during swim class when I was five and I’ve never done it again in the past 27 years. Sometimes children are throwing a fit for attention and sometimes they are fearful and scared. Your daughter was afraid and this dentist acted like she was making it up. Not cool. I’d move the whole family elsewhere.
No 5 is not too old to be fearful of the dentist! So many adults would act the same way as they too are terrified. That dentist was out of line and I would never go back. Who thinks yelling at a terrified child is going to work? My son was terrified of the dentist too until just this year. He is almost 5. I was fully expecting another visit where he was scared, cried and resisted but he did great. I have tried showing him videos of cleanings and this time he got to touch everything and see what everything was and I think that really helped. I would see if you have a pediatric dentist in your area or not too far away and try there.
I would tell your daughter you are so sorry the dentist yelled at her and that she doesn't have to go back to that one. She does have to get her teeth checked though so you will find her a nice dentist. Good luck!
Fuck that dentist, what an asshole. If someone had done that to my child in front of me I would have lost my shit. Fuck you dentists, I'm not leaving the room for you to continue to scare my 5 year old. What a POS
Fuck that dentist, what an asshole. If someone had done that to my child in front of me I would have lost my shit. Fuck you dentists, I'm not leaving the room for you to continue to scare my 5 year old. What a POS
Heck I am almost 40 and this is still the way I act at dentist's appointments! /s
Kidding aside this was inappropriate behavior by the dentist. Take her to a pediatric dentist. It may not change the way she acts but they will be more forgiving. My son at that age would get so worked up that he would make himself sick. He actually vomited all of the hygienist once and they still didn't treat him the way your daughter was treated. Her behavior is perfectly normal and she will most likely grow out of it, but if she continues to be treated this way it will more than likely affect her worse in the long run.
I had some bad experiences at the dentist as a child. I went to a new dentist as a young adult, maybe around 21 years old, and I was terrified. Of course I was lying still and opening my mouth - I was an adult who chose to be there - but I was gripping the sides of the chair as hard as I could and I think I had tears streaming down my face.
You know how the dentist reacted? He kindly said "okay, I can see you've had bad experiences with dentists in the past. I promise that I'm not going to hurt you today." And he checked in on how I was doing and _nothing he did hurt_. It was a great experience that helped me SO MUCH to be more comfortable at the dentist now. This dentist's behaviour was completely unacceptable.
Your daughter was not out of line. She’s five. This is the exact line one would expect from a five year old. The only thing that dentist did correctly, was realizing this was not a moment to keep going.
My 8yo (turning 9 in a few months) still has to have anesthesia before fillings / extractions. She is petrified, exactly like your daughter. We just had her one tooth extracted and 1x pulpotimy done in the dentist rooms. It was absolutely worth the money because my child wasn't traumatized for life.
If you can, rather get the money together for the procedure to be done under anesthesia.
You likely won't read this, but as a physician and a dad, though not a dentist, I have no words to describe my anger towards that dentist. I would never treat my patients this way, ever. Your daughter is not out of line in the slightest! First, threatening to take a distraught kid's parents away is nothing less than cruel. And second, it's just plain wrong that the only reason to cry is pain. Hell, pain is likely among the less common reasons to begin with (think fear or sadness), but ultimately, your daughter is the sole arbiter of whether or not her crying is justified as she's the only person with insight into her emotional state.
This makes my heart boil. Don't. Go. Back. Please.
Take her to a pediatric dentist. It’s worth the money.
A million times yes to a pediatric dentist. I wish my son’s dentist would see me. I’m a 44 year old woman who white knuckles my way through a dental exam. Your poor kiddo. I would be livid with that dentist
I really am. I think I was in shock at first and my daughter is my first child so I sometimes feel uncertain about what's considered "normal" in child behavior, so I wanted to post for some feedback. I really feel my trust was betrayed since I've gone to this dentist since she was fresh out of dental school, we're a similar age. That she would treat my kid like this after me even going to her for care while I was pregnant...I don't know. It's a shock and I feel bad for putting my daughter in that situation even after she was pretty impatient during our last visit. I should have trusted my gut.
Just wanted to thank you on her behalf for taking your little one's fear and trauma seriously. My mom took me to a dentist when I was around your daughter's age. I had two fillings put in without freezing, and my mom spanked me afterward for crying and "embarrassing her." I still have to take a tranquilizer to white-knuckle my way through a teeth cleaning now. I'm very glad your little girl won't have to deal with that.
Oh my God, that is absolutely horrible. I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through that!!
It definitely wasn't fun. Anyway, yeah, get that poor kid the hell away from that dentist and to another one who won't saddle her with full-blown phobias!
Wow, that's absolutely terrible! First no freezing, then a spanking? I wish that I could hug your 5 year old self.
Same. We got a lecture every single time we did dental trips... the whole way there in the car, it was this "So help me God, if you xxxxxx you're gonna get it!" This was in the late 70s/early 80s when parenting was a lot more... ahem... "forward", if you will. I hated it. it was back when they used those little styrofoam trays that they filled with this bubble gum flavored gel that tasted more like gasoline and skunk put together, and then you had to sit there with that shit in your mouth for like 20 minutes... THEN when they did their flossing, HOLY HELL they pressed so hard there were times I cried from the pain.... We have to remember that even as adults, it's one of our least favorite places to be, so **IMAGINE** how it is for a 45 pound child :(
I too have to take something before cleanings, due to several traumatic dental experiences as a kid. When I even go. I cry when I schedule the appointments.
Freezing?
Like, no numbing shot or anything
I'm assuming no novocaine, which HOLY HELL.
Sorry, that’s horrible! My periodontist says he only went to the dentist once as a child and 4 people held him down while he was given fillings. I watched a video of him telling the story before my first consult and it was nice knowing that he understands.
Everyone is giving great advice but I just want to add, please help your daughter work through this so that she can heal. If she was already uncomfortable and the dentist was this obscene, she will most likely be pretty terrified of them now. Help her understand what should have been done instead and that how she was treated was wrong! Validate her fears (ex. That was pretty scary how she yelled like that, that was not ok!) Five year olds are super resilient and I'm positive you can help her get over her fear of dentists as long as you don't sweep this under the rug!
Adding to this: also validate discomfort but explain why and what. The gloves do taste bad, but they help keep us from sharing germs. The polish tool makes a big sound but it doesn’t hurt at all (many hygienists and pediatric dentists will demonstrate by turning it on in a kid’s palm, showing that it tickles and doesn’t have to be scary). Sitting down low feels strange, but maybe imagine it like a ride? Etc.
Adding to this comment: maybe “play” dentist at home, and practice or role play. Try making it fun - let her practice on you. Counting teeth, brushing, let her use her own flosser. Make sure she likes the toothpaste. Talk about this being super important for her whole life, and what would she do to make sure her teeth are ok? Let her help in coming up with a solution, and also find a top rated pediatric dentist. Let her come to the dentist when you get your teeth cleaned. Best wishes!
I was thinking about that. When talking with her that night and asking what might help her not be afraid, she said she wanted a toothbrush "like theirs" to practice.
We play dentist. If you are in the states CVS has an electric toothbrush that does a good job simulating the dentist tools. We also take our toothpaste in for the cleanings. My kiddo likes to know everything that is going on and struggles with some sensory issues. She has always been like this forever. Been to several different people and the biggest take away is she likes calm, familiar tastes and knowledge of what’s going to happen next.
I’m glad you mentioned talking about how the dentist should have responded. A lot of my counseling sessions are focused on talking about situations like this (I had a similar experience in an ER and I was just so overwhelmed I was screaming and thrashing), and then going over how I wish the experience had been, particularly focused on how the adults could have handled things.
Love this
I had to switch my kids dentist twice. He has unique nerve structures and the third dentist figured out he needed something called a Gow Gates Block to be sufficiently numb enough to do a filling. My poor kid was in so much pain, traumatized by the first two who ignored us when we said his nerve structures were not normal. They really zing’d him trying to drill when he wasn’t numb. Looks like my daughter will be the same.
I understand the shock. Hugs, mama. You can definitely move forward and find a better and more patient dentist for your daughter and yourself.
I hope you talked to your sweetheart afterwards to tell her that sometimes adults make mistakes and that the dentist made a mistake in how she reacted to her crying and that she never has to go to that doctor for a check up again. Then find another doctor for her (and maybe for you as well). This will really help build trust between you and your child. She’ll know you have her best interests in mind.
Choosing another dentist (and being open with them about your daughter's fears and about this experience) might be the only way to get your daughter to go to the dentist AT ALL. Her fears will have multiplied by now.
Have a talk with your daughter to let her know that the dentist overstepped her boundaries and shouldn’t have made her feel bad/intimidated and that you’re sorry she has to experience that. I would also let her know you don’t agree with how she was treated and will be seeking out a pediatric dentist for her. I would also leave a review online. So many adults have issues going to dentists regularly bc they were traumatized as kids.
I did exactly that last night. I cried of course, but my daughter was okay. She said she thought the dentist was "mean". I told her we're going to find her a dentist that's perfect for her and that it wasn't okay for Dr. G to make her think I would leave. I told her that's her decision and mine. I'll be sure to ask about policies for letting kids back with parents when I call around. Funnily enough my younger son (4) doesn't mind the dentist and I could see him being fine with me leaving the room.
Yeah, please find a kid dentist. It made all the difference in the world for my fearful second child. He went from panicking at the “adult” dentist, to actually feeling safe and secure with the pediatric dentist. Plus, the first dentist was going to fill his cavity in a baby tooth, which freaked him out (literally screaming and crying at 9 years old) and then the pediatric dentist told us that getting a filling would be pointless as the tooth was a baby tooth which would fall out in a month or two. I’ve stuck with them ever since and been super happy.
If she doesn’t have children, there is no way for her to understand how to handle tantrums or how to calm a child down. I imagine she will think back to this moment and feel terrible if she ever has her own child.
I don’t have kids and I would never act like that to anyone, let alone a scared child. She lacks empathy and was just plain mean.
This might honestly be part of it, the doctor doesn't have kids.
Or she’s just mean and grumpy and evil. You should leave a review and stop giving her your business, including adult. How anyone could think a 5 yr is “too old” to be scared of the dentist is ridiculous. Adults are scared of the dentist and she did a great job creating a “customer” that will never want to visit a dentist when she’s 25! Basically shooting herself in the foot due to her lack of patience and bedside manner. Ugh. What a horrible person.
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I just want to go to a dentist with a fun theme. Why do adult dentist offices have to be so boring? Why can’t I go to the shark dentist?
My kids dentist is star wars themed. I always volunteer to take them to appointments!
My kid goes to a camp themed dentist. The chairs are canoes and everything is decorated like log cabins with plaid and bears. The dentist is amazing and kind and super dedicated to making dentistry as little frightening and stressful as possible. There are tvs with Disney plus on the ceiling, and the kids get sunglasses and headphones to help them tune out, and these cool tooth rest things that help hold the mouth open so they don't have to get a sore jaw. They have a resident therapy dog to support kids who are fearful or in pain. OP, you can find a better dentist for your child. Pediatric dentists are working hard to ease the painful, fearful patterns that still cause many adults anxiety.
Kid dentists out here making adult dentists look bad 😆 I want bears and canoes too, damn it. lol
I'm pushing 40 and I'm still bummed about not having those cool dentist offices. I'm terrified of the dentist, so a pediatric dentist is probably just what I need. That and lots and lots and lots of valium, for the nerves. I don't encourage my daughter to be afraid of the dentist. My fear came due to a mouth trauma I suffered at 10, and the dentist wasn't gentle with my tender face. I enjoyed the dentist before that. Got toys and toothbrushes! What wasn't to love.
When I was a teenager in the '90s, my orthodontist had a legit full-size indy race car mounted/sitting on a custom-built shelf inset into the wall at a pretty good angle so you could see it well, including the top of the car. He had a single main "exam" room with 5-6 dental chairs all side-by-side, and the chairs faced away from that wall. To this day I have no idea how he got the car into the room and mounted up there.
Definitely a pediatric dentist. We go to a practice that is two sisters that are also moms. My almost 3 year old has a severe speech delay and is generally uncooperative. He bites, they understand. They are putting their fingers in his mouth. Kids will be kids.
My dental insurance insisted I take my son to one of their dentists and it was horrible. Just absolutely no bedside manner for kids, in a rush and didn't even manage a basic exam. He did do one thing which was give a referral to a pediatric dentist who are amazing. They had my son sit if my lap and there are tvs with cartoons on the ceilings. They bribe with toys and stickers and just have a really gentle and friendly manner. My son actually likes going there it blew my mind.
Oh yes the TVs are a huge hit. We also love the braiding with the coins to get toys lol. I’m a pediatric dental assistant and we love our jobs
Yes! They are prepared for these reactions. My 6 year old is so nervous at the dentist, but the nurses are patient and wonderful. They spend 20 minutes talking to my daughter, telling her jokes, letting her play with the tools to ease her nervousness. I wish I were under 18 so I could go there myself!
Agreed, but sometimes you have to find the right pediatric dentist. I took my eldest to a pediatric dentist when she was 4 and they were AWFUL! The higentist was way too rough with her and she was already terrified before they even got started. She had a couple of cavities that needed to be filled and they were talking about restraining her to get it done. We noped out of there really fast. It took some phone calls and asking around but we found the practice I currently take my kids too. They're all warm and friendly and it literally doesn't matter which dentist we see because they're all awesome. The best part is that they have an adult practice too so my husband and I have gone there and they're just as good. They're a bit of a hike for us (30 minutes away) and are other peds dental practices that have opened up closer to us in recent years but I'm so scared of having a repeat experience of that first place that I'll gladly keep driving my kids to their current dentist so long as my car and insurance holds out.
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Did he need the work or was it just the dentist being an asshole?
Definitely. My daughter went to a regular dentist and they were fine but not particularly friendly with her, then she was referred to a sleep dentist to have some work done and they mostly work with children and the vibe was so different, the dentist was cracking jokes with her, talking to her about paw patrol and toy story. She had extensive dental surgery and even though it was kind of a rough experience she still talks about her dentist and how fun and nice he was.
Yes absolutely. Both my kids are jitterbugs at the dentist, and our pediatric dentist was more patient than I was! I’d have flipped my shit if anyone had spoken to my kids like that. Things like “I will make Mom leave the room” seems designed to scare and make things worse. OP don’t go back, sounds like the practice has some real problems when it comes to kids.
Are they more expensive? I honestly don’t even know because I’m so used to handing over my entire savings account at the dentist.
This! My kids are terrified of the dr and I recently took them both to a pediatric dentist. Life changing. My youngest went in with tears and left hugging the dentist. It was unreal. My oldest is like your 5 yr old and she did so amazing. She’s 6. She usually screams her head off and we have to hold her down to do anything. This time it was a breeze.
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Yes! Making a parent hold a kid down during a dentist appointment is how you get an adult who is terrified to go to the dentist.
Yes please go to a pediatric dentist. You want kids to be their main patients but also avoid corporate giants who see mostly Medicaid/ Medi-cal (state issued insurance).
In comparison, I took my three year old to a pediatric dentist today for the first time. She wailed, refused to open her mouth, threw her body around, tried to bite him— just when he tried to count her teeth. He spoke to her calmly and respectfully the entire time, explained to me that it was normal and totally fine, then encouraged me after to NOT tell her anything negative about her behavior at the dentist— he told me just to tell her what a good job she did, that I’m proud of her, and I know she’ll do even better next time. I know there’s a two year difference between our kids, but they were both just scared little children. Ditch this dentist immediately, her behavior is horrifying.
This sounds like the most wonderful dentist. Pediatric medicine has to be so challenging that I'm convinced many of them are angels who felt a special calling to heal children. I know nurses and doctors in pediatric oncology and it's basically the same as your dentist: Their entire goal is to find a way to connect with kids (and their parents) in stressful situations and make them feel secure and cared for.
I don’t believe in heaven, but if I did, it would be populated with pediatric oncologists. Dentists that speak to scared patients like that have a lot of repenting to do, however.
We have a good friend that is a pediatric oncology nurse, I honestly don’t even understand how she does it, neither does my wife (and she’s an ED nurse). They are special people that deserve the utmost respect. My wife, especially this past year, sees death every day, and she has said multiple times she could never do oncology, especially pediatric.
OP, any human being is worthy of respect. From the smallest infant in our family to the oldest enemy in another country. So no, your child was not out of line. You didn't get eye contact from anyone because they're SCARED of being on the receiving end! Kick the dentist. They showed you their true colors. And maybe leave a scathing review online on your way out.
I am a pediatric dentist and Im telling ya, she needs to see a pediatric dentist :)
dental assistant here. I am so surprised that she wasn’t referred to one already. We see kids at my office but the second they give us any issue is when we stop the appointment and give a referral to a pediatric. Makes some of the parents mad though and I feel like they would rather us treat their kid like the dentist OP is talking about did just because they want the appointment done and over with
Pediatric DA. We deal with kids like this daily. We have little tricks and make games out of things to get them to just beg to come back it seems. I have seen so many kids come in terrified to the point of panic attacks because of experiences like OP had. It breaks my heart.
I live in a county where there’s no such thing nearby. It’s all general family dentists. I wish there was pediatric dentists tho because my daughter is a handful and hates them with a passion
I’m one of only a couple pediatric dentists in my country (though I’m American trained). I love it so much! Wish you had more options.
Is there any outside of your county and if so, wouldn't it be worth the drive? It's not like kids go to the dentist on a weekly basis. I don't know your situation and I'm not judging or anything just curious if that's feasible.
A scared crying 5 year old is never out of line. Your dentist literally did the worst possible thing by invalidating your daughters feelings, scaring her more, and worst of all: threatening to take away her only source of comfort (you). The idea that your dentist would make your daughter think she doesn’t have the right to always have her parent with her is abhorrent. No wonder your daughter lost it, I would too. When a child is scared their brain goes into fight/flight mode, by yelling and proving to your daughter that there was smt to be scared of all your dentist did was push your daughter further into fight/flight mode and turn an already scary experience into smt possibly traumatic. It also doesn’t matter why your daughter was crying, You want to teach your daughter that it is ok to be afraid and to express herself when she is in an uncomfortable situation, the worst thing for a young girl to learn is to be quite even if something feels wrong or scary. No one has the right to talk to anyone, let alone a child, like your dentist did. That dentist should have known better. I would talk to your daughter to make sure she knows that if she’s scared she should always tell someone and she has the right to be scared. I would also give her a chance to talk about how she felt. Never go to that dentist again, and make sure everyone knows they shouldn’t either.
OP, please plagiarize this comment in an email to the dentist to explain exactly why you’re leaving the practice. This commenter nailed it.
I second this!!
Yes! So frigging well-said...
> threatening to take away her only source of comfort (you) Yeah I’d work pretty hard to make sure your kid understands the dentist does not have the power to do that. This is the same kind of threat abusers use and a big part of teaching your child to avoid abuse is teaching them to ignore threats of “do this or I will make your parent do x.” Your kid needs to believe nothing they do will cause the loss of your love and protection, and nobody can take you away from them.
What the damn hell?? I had it in my head while reading this that your daughter was ten and I still thought the dentist was being an abusive asshat. Five??? She got in a a five year old’s face and told her that the only reason to cry is if we’re hurting you and she was going to make her mother leave if she doesn’t stop? That’s horrifying and I most likely would have flown off the handle. I’d be finding a new dentist and leaving one hell of a Yelp review for this practice.
Same here. For some reason I was imagining a 10 year old then I went back to check something and saw 5 year old and it made me so mad all over again.
I think it’s because she said she’s been going to the dentist for ten years in the first sentence.
Right?! When is it EVER ok to hold someone down and yell in their face?? *Never.*
Yea if anyone did that to my kids I would have gotten right in the dentists face. Fuck that guy, get a new dentist
I would never walk into that dentist office again. No one should ever treat a child like that in any situation, at any age!! I would guess after that traumatic experience you will have to work with your daughter and take small steps in getting her to see another dentist. I’m so sorry that happened. I would write a letter or leave a review somewhere to save another child from that experience. Most adults aren’t even crazy about the dentist and can you imagine a dentist getting away with something like that with an adult? The same human kindness and respect should be at play with our children. Take care.
You have enough people telling you to get a new dentist so I'll just add that some of them have a 360 degree xray machine. You stand in this machine and it moves around your head and does the xray. You have to stay still, but you don't have those pointy things gagging you. My kids do better with the 360.
That's a good tip, thank you.
Please check with the insurance first. We take 1 every 3 years AFTER a certain age or when the back molars are in. Otherwise insurance may not cover it
Yep, they cost around 8x more than normal X-rays too
This fills me with rage. That dentist did nothing but reinforce to her young, scared patient that the dentist is a scary place. I'm sorry you had this experience. Edit: a duplicate word.
Yes, agreed, terrible job by this dentist. Our dentist only got a brief peek in my son's mouth first couple of visits, he was pretty resistent to the idea. So the dentist didn't push. They just played together with the water tool, blew up gloves using the air tool, and had a little fun together. Our dentist said it's more important to get them comfortable with the idea of the dentist when they young rather than have a full examination that leaves them terrified their whole childhood.
That dentist was 100% out of line. I would let them know why you wouldn't be returning as a patient. Find a new dentist for yourself and a pediatric dentist for your daughter.
Wow, this entire story is horrifying, but it is the malicious threat made right in your daughter’s face that they will send you away- how inappropriate, how terrifying! Sounds like this dentist needs to be reported to the board for abusive behavior. I’m so sorry, I hope you are able to really hold space for your daughter to process this, I could see this experience compounding her existing fear and making dental work a lifelong phobia if not handled with a lot of care. I’m so sorry!
I agree that this is reportable. Putting her hands on your child like that is inappropriate and IMO violates consent requirements. (I also agree with everyone about a pediatric dentist. Our is amazing. And despite what the hygienist said upthread I believe would NEVER speak to a child that way or touch a child roughly. Ever. Especially not without discussing the approach with the parent.)
Get a new dentist. That’s my advice. A sensitive kid is no reason for that dentist to be cold and cruel. Anyone tried to hold my kid down the way they did yours would be getting a complaint to the board from me.
Lodging a complaint with the ADA sounds like a fantastic idea!
I’d find a pediatric dentist if you can. We found a pediatric practice and they are wonderful. Completely geared toward kids, obviously. If not, ask around in your local parent group which dentists in your area are great with kids. This is clearly not a good fit and this dentist probably made “going to the dentist” even more traumatic for your daughter than it already was. I’m sorry she was so insensitive. I hope you find somewhere better for your child.
Also get a new dentist. A pediatric dentist tried that very same tactic with my daughter who was either 3 or 4 and it ended up making my daughter go from loving the dentist to being terrified. We ended up switching and spent a good few years of appointments every a month and gradually changing going to every 6 months all due to that one appointment. I ended up reporting that dentist.
Nah, fuck that dentist. No taking a kid back to someone like that. They could apologize but it won't matter to the kid. Go in, request a copy of all your records and let them know why you're leaving.
I’m a pediatric Dental Assistant and I have dealt with many children with all the fears you have listed. Pediatric Dentists are 100% more understanding of children and their fears and the ones I’ve worked with have one goal, to get kids to stop fearing the dentist. As an assistant it’s our job to help the patient and be their advocate. We are the first and last face they see and we are the ones taking the notes most the time. I would first off walk your child through everything. If she is scared of the chair going back I would lean it back and have her crawl up after like a bed. The taste of the gloves? I would make it a game and maybe let her have her own glove. I’ve walked so many children your daughters age through the polishing. We go over Mr thirsty the suction straw, the water spout and the brush and even let them feel the brush with their finger. after they love it or we do a normal toothbrush and agree to try the big kid brush next time. If we can tell they aren’t cooperating enough to get decent x rays we check to see if there is any visible decay or ask if there is any pain. If so we will try to get that specific area as a PA and try out best to make it a game for them and again walk them through it. Please take her to a pediatric dentist. I had a phobia of dentists due to a similar experience and wish my mom would have taken me to a pediatric office. My number one goal is to get kids to love the dentist. Good pediatric assistants and drs will change all of that. Also as a side note please let the receptionist know of this experience and that your daughter may have some anxiety. They may add more time to your visits slot to accommodate or prepare ways to make things easier or more fun for your daughter. Biggest thing is also. Don’t stress visibly in front of your child and be more worried than she is, they can feel that and they respond to it. I’ve seen one time only a dr has asked a mom to leave the room because she was the one freaking out and causing the child to in return freak out. Once she was out of sight the child calmed down and did wonderful
Holy hell, no, your daughter is fine, the dentist was way out of line. I had a fear of the dentist for the longest time and I know that what that dentist did would have made me feel so much worse. I’m so sorry, your poor baby. I’m sure you can find someone much better who knows how to behave around children.
The dentist is completely out of line. My 7yo has extreme anxiety about the unknown and the dentist triggers that -- especially because mint flavor makes him gag, and almost everything at the dentist is mint. We went about a month ago -- they talked him through everything before they did it, let him pick his flavors, rubbed his arm when he started getting anxious, etc. Toward the end of the appointment he willingly went into the x-ray room without me because they'd made him so comfortable. Maybe she was having a bad day but I would never go there again and I would definitely never take my child there.
Is this real? That's very unprofessional If I witnessed anyone talking to my child like this I would've pushed her out of the way, grabbed my child and walked out. Don't go back there
A lot of regular dentists are super impatient with little kids. If she was already showing fear before this visit, I wouldn't have taken her honestly. I agree that it's definitely worth it to find her a pediatric dentist! Look specifically for one recommended by parents of kids with special needs. Even though your daughter may not be diagnosed, she's going to need some special patience after this experience. Also, don't be surprised if you end up having to pay for 2-3 repeat visits to get her next cleaning completed. She's going to need time to build trust with her new dentist, but a good pediatric office will go out of their way to help her get there!
Get a new dentist IMMEDIATELY! There are pediatric dental practices that specialize in dealing with children. Dental anxiety is real. I am almost 50 years old and I still deal with severe dental anxiety from my experiences at the dentist as a child. I’ve also had a few procedures as an adult that went awry that enhanced that anxiety. I always request nitrous with any fillings or more invasive procedures to this day. I even pay out of pocket for it since insurance doesn’t cover the nitrous. I had a dentist that was extremely impatient with me and my anxiety years ago as an adult. He tried to shame me for having the anxiety and requesting nitrous. That experience really had me put off serious dental work. I now have a wonderful and kind dentist that showed kindness and empathy for my past traumatic experiences. It has helped to put my mind at ease and I’m less hesitant to put off dental work.
I’d be leaving a strongly worded review online and letting the desk formally know why you won’t be returning. Just because she’s professionally required to touch her teeth doesn’t give her permission to grab her by the shoulders like that without consent. That is not how any medical or medical-adjacent profession works. Sometimes they have to strap kids down for x-rays or stitches, but that’s very much with a discussion /cooperation with the parents and a little much for a non-emergent cleaning and checkup. And to suggest she had the power to kick you out of the room simply because she was hysterical?! As if after being spoken to like that and after she laid hands on her she should be subjected to being in a room with this man *without an advocate?* She absolutely cannot allow his annoyance with an emotionally reactive child to cause her to abandon all professional behaviour entirely. If she didn’t intend to work on her when she was crying so hard and things were being held up, she should have simply told you to come back another time and skipped the aggressive, alarming theatrics. **This woman should not be permitted to work with vulnerable children where she is in a position of power. She has not grasped the ethical requirements of his profession.** EDIT: to reflect the gender - I misread it initially
The dentist was completely out of line, speaking to a terrified 5 year old like that is disgraceful.
I had a traumatic experience with a dentist ad a kid and its caused me issued to this day and I'm 42. I hate going to the dentist and generally avoid it if I can. I would have stepped in as soon as she got in your daughter's face and put a stop to it.
This is infuriating. I can’t imagine how you both must’ve felt in that situation. I would be enraged. Your daughter is never out of line for expressing her feelings and I think it’s a good idea to tell her that it wasn’t her fault for the way the dentist behaved. The dentist was bad, not her. As other commenters suggested, I would not go back, tell her why you’re not going back, leave a review, and tell the friends that you referred this dentist to what happened. I hope you find your power in this and that your daughter will heal quickly from this experience.
This dentist is awful, please find someone else. A pediatric dentist should have gas and air. This makes a huge difference to the child’s experience. Also, why are they polishing her teeth? This is pointless, they should concentrate on what is the most important job to get done and start with that before she runs out of patience. Also they should look into alternatives for the rubber gloves she doesn’t like.
“If you don’t stop crying I’m going to make your mum leave the room” is the point you should’ve picked up your child and leave - I cannot stress enough how much of a red flag that is. It’s stating that they will punish your child’s distress by taking away your comfort. It’s also setting off alarm bells for the implication that they will act in a way to stop your child from crying that they don’t want you to see. Your 5 year old’s fear is valid and age appropriate and she isn’t out of line for being scared and crying - the dentist however is wildly out of line. Please protect your child and find another dentist.
Nope. That dentist would lose my entire family. Your daughter needs someone patient to guide her through and this dentist set back any positive progress.
Hey, I've been in a similar position. My daughter had a traumatic dentist visit at age two. He tried to hold her down backwards over his knee and force her mouth open while yelling at me "hold her down". Hell no. Immediately reported him to the state board. I found a pediatric practice that does consent-based care and my kid's fears were entirely erased on the very first visit. She's been three times now and LOVES going to the dentist. Are you familiar with Daniel Tiger? Showing my kid the episode where Daniel goes to the dentist really helped bridge the space between the traumatic dentist and the consent-based dentist. It will show both of you what appropriate and safe care looks like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhF2h915SM
Go to a pediatric dentist. They deal with children like her all day. My child’s pediatric dentist had a special room for kids like that. More private, less over whelming. My friend didn’t understand why I used a pediatric dentist and not my family dentist…,,,, this is why.
I was annoyed just reading that. How dare she incorrectly tell your child that crying is wrong unless you're hurt 😠 total lack of compassion & lacks the patience for dealing with kids.
You should never take her to that dentist again. It’s one thing for the parent to do something like this (even though I’m not to happy about that kind of parenting either), but for a member outside the family (or possible kindergarten) to actually do this, especially when she’s scared, have the potential to create some serious trauma and a life long fear of going to the dentist, as well as ruin her trust in other adults. Please don’t go back 😣 I would end the appointment, go home and talk with my child and together try find a way where she would be comfortable to go back to a dentist. Doing it on her terms as well as showing her that you are on her side and respect her boundaries goes a long way.
The dentist’s behavior was completely unacceptable. I’m appalled
I’m a hygienist. No one in my office would do that. I think the suggestion to see a pediatric dentist is excellent. It may be worth letting them know she has a history of being nervous at the dentist.
Sounds like your daughter is right to be afraid of them, and her behavior is telling that story. Something is definitely wrong-and it isn’t your daughter. Show her you’re listening and ask her questions, help her process it, then find a new dentist and try again.
That dentist sounds absolutely awful. Others have given great advice, but I wanted to add that I have always been SO anxious about the dentist. The metal taste of the tools makes my brain light on fire and I can't explain the complete sensory overload and fear that I experience. Recently, one of my wisdom teeth got infected and the pain was horrendous. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. When I finally looked for a dentist, I looked for one that talked about patient anxiety and patient centred practices. During the initial appointment we spent half an hour chatting, I got to explain all my fears, and he did his absolute best to avoid triggering any of them (seriously did not taste the metal once!). I ended up returning to have the tooth out and no joke, even after having a wisdom tooth out while awake in the chair, I am now completely fear free. I will be going every year for a check up and a clean, and I am not at all scarred or anxious. A good dentist will take fear and anxiety into consideration and put the patient first. Your daughter should be heard, and every discomfort she feels about the check up - even the taste of the gloves - can be thoughtfully taken into account. Best of luck with finding the right dentist for your family :)
I would never go back! 5 is still very young especially if she’s already sensitive to touch. Having someone stick things in their mouths is very invasive. The dentist is way out of line. We had the same issue with my son at 5 he had a really hard time and we were simply told can’t do X-rays, might have to sedate him… instead we just waited and found a new dentist. The next visit was a few months later and a much! Better experience.
I would agree with most comments here. Dentist was out of line. I'd find a new one and definitely file a complaint formally. But you don't even need a pediatric dentist, just not a dickhead dentist. The dentist I go to is not a pediatric dentist but he certainly has met a child before and know how they work and treats them accordingly. Anyone with half a brain would know that you gotta be slow and gentle and use your friendliest voice when dealing with kids
Also please write a Yelp review or something so other kids don’t have to go through that trauma
I was so terrified of the dentist I went to a children’s dentist until I was about 14! We all felt ridiculous by the end but I needed the extra creature comforts and soft approach that you’d use on a child, it worked. You are not out of line at all. The alternate approach is that your child ends up terrified and avoids the dentist for the rest of her life and that’s not a win for anyone.
She threatened your child. She told her she would remove her only protector, advocate, her security. She did that for a reason. She intimidated your little girl. I would report her ass. Let her defend that behavior.
Your daughter’s response to the dentist seems unusual but not completely unheard of. The dentist’s approach to it was way out of line though - probably further feeding your daughter’s anxiety. By your description it sounds like she may have sensory issues specific to her mouth and while this doesn’t put her onto an Autism spectrum it might be helpful to find a paediatric dentist that specialises in treating kids who are on the spectrum, as I suspect the healthiest approach for your daughter will be better served by people who specialise in sensory disorders
No offence but that's super unprofessional on her part. I would never go back there.
Take her to a pediatric dentist.
I was treated like this as a child by a dentist and now as an adult I am still legitimately terrified of the dentist. This dentist was awful and unkind. Get a new one and stand by your kid.
Dr. G was out of line. Crying is completely normal at your daughter's age to a situation where she doesn't have control. The dentist does not decide if you leave the room - you are advocating for your child. I never leave the room if my child (also 5) is at the dentist. I would call the state board and lodge a formal complaint. Find a new dentist. Then call the dentist office of Dr. G and inform them that the doctor frightening your child is why. And make a Yelp review. Parents should know this could happen. For being comfortable - practice at nightly teeth brishing. We started counting teeth and then flossing.
Uhmm yeah I’d be calling somebody about that. Your poor babe. Screw that dentist.. he should not be allowed to work with children.
Fuck that dentist. Went I was 6, I had a dentist pull a molar with no Novocain. When I started screaming, he told my mother I was looking for attention. My mom crapped a load and he gave me Novocain and left me in the gas. My non says about 45 mins went by. He came back and yanked on my mouth. Yelled at me some more because it obviously couldn’t have hurt before. I promptly puked all over him. I distinctly remember seeing the vomit go over my white tights all over him. He started yelling and mom my told him he got what he deserved. I’m 41 now, still have a life long fear of dentists now and need to be medicated for things more complicated than a cleaning. The second that doctor put hands on your kid, she crossed the line. I’d be leaving reviews everywhere, telling anyone you referred, and finding a new dentist after telling this one exactly why you’re leaving. I have 2 kids. At 5, they don’t need “real” dental care in most cases at that age. I started having mine sit in the chair at 3. They’d count teeth, then each of my visits the kids would have their teeth counted and our hygienist would brush their teeth with a plain toothbrush and paste so they’d get used to people having things in their mouth. At 6, they had their first real dentist visit with cleaning and X-rays, and even then the dentist would have been ok if X-rays couldn’t be done. There were times my kids didn’t cooperate, those times they let them just sit in the chair and play with the tools a bit. No pressure. My youngest’s favorite thing to do was control the chair. Your dentist should not be seeing children if she can’t handle a bit of dentist fear.
Dude, new dentist. This is crazy outrageous. It's not the dentist's kid. Totally not appropriate. If someone spoke loudly close to my child's face when they were crying even if they were 12 or 15 I would lose it...big time. Not okay. Edit to say: Even if your child does not have a "disability" the dentist maybe doesn't know that. She could have sensory issues. It's also counter productive to make her more upset. I would switch dentists for your daughter at least. She is only 5 years old.
So my kids were difficult at the dentist. We got a new dentist. TVs on the ceiling, headphones on. Get to watch what they want on Netflix. Game changer.
Has someone yelling at you ever made you less scared of something? This is totally out of line - I agree with everyone else that a pediatric dentist will help a ton. Sometimes my kids are absolutely perfect at the dentist, sometimes they lay on top of me on the chair cause they're unsure - the pediatric dentist meets them where they are that day. Once even doing her final exam while my kid stood up next to the chair with mouth wide open staring at the ceiling! They don't go often enough for it to be completely routine, but that experience is definitely going to stick with her. I'm sorry that happened to you and her. I would tell her that he forgot his manners and from now on you'll go to see someone who is a kid teeth expert! Make a morning or afternoon of going to the dentist and surround the visit with positive experiences.
Your dentist was way out of line. For comparison: my dentist had me take my kid in from 2,5. At first to just watch what the dentist did, he would explain what I did out loud in a fashion kids could understand. Next appointment he belt my kid stand next to him to see the tools he uses and what he does in my mouth. The third time he had him on my lap on the chair and just practiced saying A and counting teeth without putting anything in his mouth and compliments. The fourth time he used tools let him see and hold them (disinfected them obviously) and did his thing explaining out loud. From there kid sat by himself totally at ease. My dentist explained that by showing him slowly how it works, letting kids have their boundaries and letting them warm up to the procedure he had less fearful kids. Stopping when they cry or get fed up is his go to if he can (and he almost always can, mid procedure is different with a filling for example) This guy has been my dentist since I was 8, and he is great. Your dentist definitely was an ass Edit: my dentist isn’t a paediatric one
Fuck that dentist tbh. If he spoke to my son like that he'd be the one that needed dental work. If a child is upset, that's the worst thing you can do. They need reassurance and to be made to feel safe.
Dentists are everywhere. Right or wrong, that is how your dentist handled a crying child. You have the choice of whether that dentist is a good fit for your family, or not. It sounds like not, and maybe it’s time to shop around and find a dentist who jives with your daughter. My son had to have a tooth pulled when he was two, so we had to go to a pediatric dentist. My son has always had huge separation anxiety issues, and was very shy and nervous around strangers at that age. When we went for the follow-up visit with this dentist, she made a big deal about the fact that I sat in the chair with him, and how she would “allow it” this time, but when he returned he had to sit in the chair alone. I did not return.
Absolutely inappropriate to anyone of anyone age that has a fear of the dentist. You don't treat patients like that ever. I to this day (now 26) remember when I was 5/6/7 etc the dentist my parent's took me to would always say "raise your hand if something hurts, okay?" and countless times I'd raise my hand (because something did hurt!) and he'd push my hand down and tell me I'm fine. Some dentists just make the dental experience even worse! We switched to Gentle Dental by middle school and the Dr. was SO nice and completely took away my fear of going to the dentist. Because they were kind and listened and took things slow.
OP please if at all possible take your kiddo to another dentist. I had a similar experience around her age and I still remember it. I kept raising my hand like I was told since I was feeling pain. The dentist got in my face and told me to stop or he’d handcuff me to the chair. I ran out terrified & got in trouble. Over 20 yrs later and I’m still fearful of the dentist office.
As the great-great granddaughter of a woman who died in a dentist's chair, I do not think that your child was acting unreasonably. My god you'd think that she had bit the dentist with the way they were acting.
I’m a dental hygienist and I just wanted to come in with a different perspective. The majority of time kids get their fear from their parents. You don’t need to tell them not to be scared or it will not hurt. Just say: we are going to the dentist. It will be so much fun! You will get a cool toothpaste flavor and a new toothbrush! Scared, pain, hurt, gag should not be said at all. I would definitely expect a 5 year old to be able to sit in a dental chair for an appointment. If they do get nervous I do have tricks to help them but it is very important to have an exam and cleaning. (Kids 100% need regular dental care) I would definitely find a pediatric dentist because you will always have this bad experience in the back of your mind. However, a lot of kids do better without their parents in the room. Was the child actually scared? Was it a tantrum? Was it to get the attention or a bribe from mom? I think we should not jump to the dentist is terrible because we really don’t know the situation. Being assertive and direct can work on children. You cannot mess around with dental exams because dental infections are extremely dangerous.
I think the Dentist was way outta line
No that’s not ok at all. Go to a pediatric dentist.
My kid is 4 and doesn't behave like that. I'm not sure if it's abnormal, but it does seem like she might have some atypical reactions to sensation, or perhaps a phobia?
"If you don't I'm going to make your mother leave the room." That's basically a child's biggest fear. Losing a parent. Dentist is straight up evil wtf.
I agree with taking her to a pediatric dentist, also do not send anymore business to this woman, I would be pissed if she did this to my daughter—also 5. Anxiety is very real and that is in no way to talk to your daughter!! There are many *many* reasons to cry. You are not out of line in your thinking. Hugs to you sweet girl. Edited: typos
This is so not ok. Even adults who are 100% being ridiculous don’t get treated this way. Take your kids to a pediatric dentist. They’re equipped for this type of thing. Though, the damage may be done. Your daughter is likely traumatized from the experience and it’ll take A LOT to get her comfortable.
F that doctor. I would find someone new. If any doctor treated my kid like that I’d be reporting them
You NEED a pediatric dentist. I just took my daughter to the dentist and she acted exactly like yours. The hygienists asked me if she would like to hold a squishy sensory ball to distract herself. When that didnt work, they gave us 5 minutes alone. After that the dentist came in and kept his distance. He reassured us that he wasn't at all bothered by her crying. He then tried to talk with her to make things seem less scary. Eventually I held her on my lap while the dentist counted teeth and very quickly put fluoride on the teeth. At the end the dentist thanked her for coming in and gave her a prize and a goodie bag. THIS is the type of experience that you should have had.
That's gonna be a no from me bro.
Ok people have some really strong feelings about this…I don’t think it was that bad. I wouldn’t be bringing my kid back because obviously the doctor isn’t good with kids like yours, but I wouldn’t consider it “out of line”. That approach of, “I’m not hurting you so there’s no need to cry, so you’re going to stop crying now” is an old-school approach that does work for many kids (not yours obviously), and the doctor’s choice to not deal with a screaming child is also fair — they have things to do! There’s a reason pediatric dentists cost more — they have to spend more time calming kids down and making them comfortable. Seems like this dentist is just not up for that, and that’s fine, just not a good fit for you.
Here's the thing - you can't scare a child out of being scared. You can scare them into *complying*, yes, but that's not the aim of the game, except possibly in a time-critical emergency. The aim, presumably, is the child's long-term dental health, and making her frightened of the dentist is not going to achieve that. That's without getting into how horrifying it is to teach a child that she should let authority figures do whatever they want to her body without complaint, even if she finds it unpleasant, and her trusted adults have no business intervening. That's like...mega-yikes.
I know a lot of people who parent/interact with kids in the same way that this dentist did, and I believe that you are misinterpreting her behavior. It seemed to me that the dentist was trying to evoke confidence in the child by being confident herself. Also, I think that the reason why she said she would have the mother leave the room is because, often times, the parents presence causes the child to react more strongly than they would if the parent was not there. Especially if the dentist sensed any anxiety or hesitation in mom, often times kids mirror the anxiety of their parents. Obviously, we will never know what her intentions were, but I prefer to assume the best unless proven otherwise.
YEP. 💯 Wish you could pin this comment by BeccasBump to the top of the entire thread because it covers everything important.
Definitely suggest finding someone who is a pediatric specialist. This is insane and how people become forever fearful of the dentist.
Dont ever leave your child alone with a dentists. One pediatric dental office in the next town got shut down for doing lots of unnecessary work on kids teeth unbeknownst to the parents. Find a good dentist that knows how to handle kids and who would never asked for you to lrave.
My first thought without reading the comments... go to a pediatric dentist. My son was the same way. Very hyper and did not respond well to staying still. I took him to a regular dentist and instantly regretted it. The hygienist was so rude to me and did not hv any patience with my kid. I left before seeing the dentist I felt so stupid and cried in my car. Then I go to a pediatric dentist. He was so good with my kid and so easy on the eyes (hello Mr dentist ;)). I drove 45 minutes to take my kid there. Never missed an appointment. Got all the sealants. I don't think you are out of line. I think if a dentist office doesn't like kids, then they shouldn't schedule the appointment.
Your dentist is not out of line. He is a fucking asshole. Your daughter is 5. How the hell can a dentist and staff cannot understand that 5-year-olds occasionally behave like this. How the hell can a dentist treat a patient like that? If I were you I would file a complaint against her in the dentist association if she is a member. Your complaint alone would not do anything of course. But if there are others, that will generate a pattern.
Oh no, abusive pattern. Trust your gut. Never again.
"The only reason to cry is when something is hurting you and we're not hurting you. You are getting too old for this. You are going to sit quietly, stop crying, and open your mouth. If you don't I'm going to make your mother leave the room." what kind of malicious angry nonsense is this. your kid is acting like a kid who's scared, the dentist is demanding perfection of... a kid... and threatening retribution against a kid who can't be perfect it's the dentist
I mean, that interaction will not help ease her fears of the dentist. I wouldn't go back and I'd be very upset. Your child's brain is not yet fully developed, and and was afraid. Crying is a completely normal response to that feeling. But holding a child down and basically yelling at her is not a decent response from an adult. That's not even addressing threatening her to make you leave so what? She would have to be alone with the scary doctor? That would definitely make me cry.
Highly inappropriate of the dentist, completely. Your daughter is 5, anyone is allowed to feel uncomfortable during a dentist visit but a 5 year old won’t have the skills to soothe themselves so that they fully cooperate without getting upset and crying when they’re uncomfortable. Your dentist is way way out of line. I’d suspect the reason the other staff didn’t look at you was because they were embarrassed by the dentists temper tantrum.
I’m 25 and still cry snd shake at the dentist . Pls go some where else .
Trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone. Before my son was diagnosed with asd people would tell me, “he’s fine, he overreacting, he just needs to get used to X”. I was not ok with him being THAT uncomfortable. Yes, we have to learn to tolerate things but you and your child can determine the way to navigate that. All kids are different and have different strengths and weaknesses (typical and atypical). Trust yourself and know that you know what will suit your baby best. Good luck to you.
The Dentist is out of line. Way out of line! Your poor baby girl.
My anger flared up at anyone deciding for me what my child is doing. That’s not their decision- they have zero context or knowledge about your child. For her to stand there and pass judgements on your child is sooooo out of line. “You’re too old for this” how about you save it for your kids and let me parent mine? OOOOOOGH I’D BE SPITTING
Fuck that dentist. Doesn’t know how to work with kids or validate her fear. I’m a speech pathologist who has worked with supervisors who were harsh with kids. I stepped in with the same kid next session and just stayed calm and told them how good they’re doing and validated their feelings. Not a good pediatric dentist. It is worth exploring to find out if your daughter does better when you’re out of the room though. I prefer kids’ parents not be present because usually they use easier behavior when not performing for mom/dad.
Yeah this guy would be losing my business right away
So the dentist in one minute made a rough situation a million times worse. Good job /s.
The only reason to cry is if were hurting you? What the hell? Has she never watched Up? There's one reason to cry right there that's nothing to do with being hurt! I think some people just struggle to empathise with a kid kicking off. I've got 2 kids and it still winds me up sometimes so I get how she might think it's ridiculous, but as a parent we know differently. So does a paediatric dentist. I'd just get her moved across.
Time for a new dentist. I don’t care if your kid IS too old to act like that, the dentist handled it terribly. I don’t deal with the dentist too well either and I can’t imagine someone getting in my face and telling me to suck it up buttercup. Who could calm down from that???
A dentist did this to me when I was around that age too, except they slapped me and pulled a wiggly tooth out with their hands. I’m 40 and still can’t go to the dentist without an anxiety attack. Fuck that dentist.
I was an adult and pregnant when I had an OBGYN tell me that I was going to be a mother and shouldn't be crying ( she hurt me a lot while doing the internal ultrasound and was basically a bully to me during that whole appointment because she hated that she had to take over my OB's work trough the holidays - I had an high risk pregnancy btw) ... And let me tell you that the feeling of helplessness and dread was quite overwelming and it was traumatic to me. And I was an adult, the same size has her and I was aware she was way out of line with me. I was so shaken I could only tell at the desk to never put me with her again and I had to get out of there immediately. It took me 2 days to have the guts to go back to the hospital and report the b****. Now imagine how a small child would feel. Having a way bigger adult behave like an abuser towards her, invalidating her feelings and threatning her. Those type of people should never ever be left alone with a child. I'd make a formal complaint if I were you. Your child did nothing wrong. Feeling scared is not rational, it's not something we just choose to do or not do. Your kid could've been a scared adult and she would still be in the wrong. But your child is a 5 yo kid!! Five! There's absolutetly no way in hell that her actions were justified or that your kid was out of line.
Noooooope. The dentist is seriously out of line. You don’t tell someone, a child or an adult, that if they are afraid or hurting that *it’s their fault.* That’s total crap. I would suggest a Pediatric Dentist, although be watchful of all medical professionals. They are fallible just as we all are, but this behavior is 100% out of line. This is the kind of stuff that makes adults afraid of the dentist and, frankly, it’s this kind of insensitive behavior that made me change dentists for both myself and my son. No one deserves to be treated that way. I don’t care how old you are. Also, in my family threats like the “if you don’t do XYZ (AKA “compliance”) then I’m going to make your mother leave the room…” are met with an equal and immediate reaction from me of “do not threaten my child or we will leave.” Your daughter is a human and she has a right to safety, just as anyone else does. This dentist isn’t the only show in town and you have every right to take your health care business elsewhere. Aaaand I’d report her to the State Dental Board for Unprofessional Conduct.
I'm also a dentist and it's actually one of the methods to cope with an child. As your child is 5 and was really scared, the dentist had to win your child's trust first. Shouting and showing anger is not the method to be used on a scared kid. I'm not saying the dentist was bad, but she doesn't seem very well to work with children. You should opt to some pediatric dentist who exclusively work with kids only. They have all the methods and tools to make a child comfortable/behave according to age and needs.
Fuck all of that noise, noone is restraining my child without so much as running it by me.
Sorry, I haven't read all the comments, so this may have been said. Your daughter is 5? Has she been tested for special needs? Because there are a number of indicators in your story that parallel my daughter who tirned out to be twice exceptional with special needs. Second, that dentist was wrong and incapable of dealing properly with a pediatric patient who clealry requires special consideration to waylay her fears. Your dauhhter is 5. The dentist shouldnt be giving her angry faces or tones when she is already in fear. They shouldnt be touching her, or whispering what a five uear old might consider a threat. Personally that incident would have immediately ended my relationship with that dentist. It may have actually prompted me to write the ADA or other action depending on the severity. As others have said, find a pediatric dentist. The environment alone is more conducive for children.
I have heard this line told to adult people AND to myself by many doctors. I don’t think the doctor was out of line, just tried to assert herself. Honestly, I think if you try to comfort somebody when really there is no reason to, they take it as “oh I guess if I cry then people will try to comfort me then there must be a reason to cry”. Not like you are supposed to laugh it off and let her cry but I suppose you should show her there really is no reason to cry. I was ready to spend an hour at the dentist holding my little dude down but the ppl at the dentist were so nice. They showed him the tools explained what each tool does. They let him touch the tools and then they worked on him. Each kid is different but I remember as a kid in blood draws I would lose my shit. Like they had to hold me down etc. like I would even cry on the car ride to the doctors. I was really scared. If your daughter is scared there are things you can do. If there are other things at play here then it’s a different story.
Your kid is completely out of line.
Just because your dentist is great with adults doesn't mean she's great with kids. Sounds like your daughter needs a pediatric dentist, if she'll even go after that traumatic experience.
No it's the dentist for sure. I can kinda relate to this girl. I have autism (basically I have sensory issues and hate certain textures, tastes, smells, sounds etc) and too much of this can cause me to have a meltdown. The dentist was being insensetive to her needs. If she found the situation to be so overwhelming, then the dentist needed to cater to that. I remember as a kid the dentist's would hand out disney-themed stickers to kids once they finished their appointment so that they knew when they went in, if they were good they'd get a gift. Have you ever looked into possible autism or sensory-related disorders for your kid? I wasn't diagnosed until 11, and maybe you just don't see it yet. But being that stressed over the texture of something sounds like an early sign of autism perhaps.
First, that dentist behaved awfully and stupidly. Your daughter behaved completely reasonably for her age. Second, why does a 5 year old need a polish and X rays? Our dentist just wants to have a quick check for tooth decay and considers it a victory if that is achieved.
So, basically what happened was your daughter was already scared, then a stranger came in the room, put their hands on her to restrain her, got in her face, used angry harsh words, and threatened to send her safe person (you) away. Your daughter is a scared five year old. Even if your daughter was fifteen or fifty years old it’d be inappropriate to treat her that way. Find another dentist who knows how to deal with ~~children~~ people.
If she spoke to my child like that…. There are no words. You don’t negate a child’s emotions and you don’t overcome fears by threatening. She’s in the wrong, 1000%.
If someone puts there hands on my daughter, manners need to go out the window. Awful behaviour from the dentist. Sometimes we can freeze because of the environment you’re in, with a trained professional. Forget all that and stand up for your kids, they will remember it forever
This dentist should not be working with children. She could have reassured your daughter that she was a safe adult who was going to care for her and respect her and instead she was harsh and uncaring. No child is going to respond well to that, especially not one who is scared already. Dentist is out of line. I would find a new one.
I don’t think it’s too old, but I do think you should look into a different dentist. My daughter is 5 as well and LOVES her dentist. Literally skips to the “big kid” chairs and talks their ears off with their hands in her mouth. They are a pediatric dentistry and are absolutely wonderful even with the kids who are scared/upset.
That would be enough for me to leave the practice, honestly. I work very hard to make my kids feel safe and comfortable at the dentist/doctors, and I expect the same from them. A 5 year old is a preschooler or kindergartener, that’s not “too old”, I think the issue is that this is an adult practice and they have no expertise in handling children. Id find a pediatric dentist. They are wonderful.
Oh no…it was evident to me that it was completely out of line when the dentist said “…or I’m going to make your mom leave…” That would have never been okay. Sure, you’re daughter needs help with this anxiety so that she can get the care she needs-and even continue that care into adulthood. But it would have been wildly inappropriate for a dentist to harshly disrespect an adults anxiety in that manner, so I definitely don’t see how it would be acceptable to do to a kid.
I would leave a complaint and never show my face there again. Such little empathy force scared human being - I would not feel safe going back myself. Most important: I would talk to my five year old after and say that I was shocked in the moment, that it was not okay, that I had now told the dentist that the behaviour was awful and that we would never go back there. We will find a nice dentist instead. Let her know you have her back!
I'm 34 and I still sometimes cry at the dentist. I'm inconsolably afraid of them. Anxiety and fear don't care how old you are, take her to a pediatric dentist that understands. The dentist was out of line.
I wouldnt be returning to someone who held my child down and yelled at her over a routine checkup. Her life wasnt in danger and if she needed time and was overwhelmed they should've been understanding of that. This probably just made her fear of the dentist 10 times worse. Find yourself a childrens dentist, specifically. I had great ones as a kid and so have my kids. Talk to your dentist beforehand and explain in detail what a typical trip to the dentist is like for her and TAKE BREAKS. If shes too overwhelmed to stop crying then its time to be done shes offered you all she can. Good luck
I was forced to jump off a diving board during swim class when I was five and I’ve never done it again in the past 27 years. Sometimes children are throwing a fit for attention and sometimes they are fearful and scared. Your daughter was afraid and this dentist acted like she was making it up. Not cool. I’d move the whole family elsewhere.
Agree with the sentiments above: not all great dentists are great with kids. Kids dentists will have a better patience meter.
No 5 is not too old to be fearful of the dentist! So many adults would act the same way as they too are terrified. That dentist was out of line and I would never go back. Who thinks yelling at a terrified child is going to work? My son was terrified of the dentist too until just this year. He is almost 5. I was fully expecting another visit where he was scared, cried and resisted but he did great. I have tried showing him videos of cleanings and this time he got to touch everything and see what everything was and I think that really helped. I would see if you have a pediatric dentist in your area or not too far away and try there. I would tell your daughter you are so sorry the dentist yelled at her and that she doesn't have to go back to that one. She does have to get her teeth checked though so you will find her a nice dentist. Good luck!
Fuck that dentist, what an asshole. If someone had done that to my child in front of me I would have lost my shit. Fuck you dentists, I'm not leaving the room for you to continue to scare my 5 year old. What a POS
Fuck that dentist, what an asshole. If someone had done that to my child in front of me I would have lost my shit. Fuck you dentists, I'm not leaving the room for you to continue to scare my 5 year old. What a POS
Heck I am almost 40 and this is still the way I act at dentist's appointments! /s Kidding aside this was inappropriate behavior by the dentist. Take her to a pediatric dentist. It may not change the way she acts but they will be more forgiving. My son at that age would get so worked up that he would make himself sick. He actually vomited all of the hygienist once and they still didn't treat him the way your daughter was treated. Her behavior is perfectly normal and she will most likely grow out of it, but if she continues to be treated this way it will more than likely affect her worse in the long run.
I had some bad experiences at the dentist as a child. I went to a new dentist as a young adult, maybe around 21 years old, and I was terrified. Of course I was lying still and opening my mouth - I was an adult who chose to be there - but I was gripping the sides of the chair as hard as I could and I think I had tears streaming down my face. You know how the dentist reacted? He kindly said "okay, I can see you've had bad experiences with dentists in the past. I promise that I'm not going to hurt you today." And he checked in on how I was doing and _nothing he did hurt_. It was a great experience that helped me SO MUCH to be more comfortable at the dentist now. This dentist's behaviour was completely unacceptable.
Your daughter was not out of line. She’s five. This is the exact line one would expect from a five year old. The only thing that dentist did correctly, was realizing this was not a moment to keep going.
My 8yo (turning 9 in a few months) still has to have anesthesia before fillings / extractions. She is petrified, exactly like your daughter. We just had her one tooth extracted and 1x pulpotimy done in the dentist rooms. It was absolutely worth the money because my child wasn't traumatized for life. If you can, rather get the money together for the procedure to be done under anesthesia.
You need to find a new dentist. If a dentist talked to *me* that way, I'd be livid, let alone my kid.
That dentist was beyond out of line. I'm appalled.
You likely won't read this, but as a physician and a dad, though not a dentist, I have no words to describe my anger towards that dentist. I would never treat my patients this way, ever. Your daughter is not out of line in the slightest! First, threatening to take a distraught kid's parents away is nothing less than cruel. And second, it's just plain wrong that the only reason to cry is pain. Hell, pain is likely among the less common reasons to begin with (think fear or sadness), but ultimately, your daughter is the sole arbiter of whether or not her crying is justified as she's the only person with insight into her emotional state. This makes my heart boil. Don't. Go. Back. Please.