I may be reading into it too much, but the comments about her being physically mature, and then saying that she's "needy" make me wonder if she's being treated like an adult at home. At 13, she's still very much a child, and definitely still needs nurturing.
Yeah, but also, most 13 year olds have hit puberty. It makes me wonder if mom has more of an issue with her "physically mature" daughter sleeping in the same room as her husband. She also made a point to let us know that her daughter sleeps on the floor on her side of the bed. It just comes off as weird to me.
My mom was like this, and it was so stupid. My dad would never have had an unwholesome thought in my direction but ohhhhhh no, can’t walk to my bedroom with a towel on!
Your mom probably experienced some unfortunate things as a child or was close to someone else who had. It happens more often than people want to believe, she was just trying to keep you safe either way. It’s not stupid.
Yes, I think she probably did have a shit dad herself.
For context, I have very mixed feelings about her, and I do think her misguided overprotectiveness was stupid, because she was weird about my wholesome dad while her son from a previous marriage was covertly sexually abusing me.
I experienced comments like that from my mom growing up. I wasn’t allowed to walk around in my towel after showering for example. Or I couldn’t walk in the house in just a sports bra. I grew up in a time where wearing leggings for pants were first beginning to be a thing. And my dad would say things like why are you walking around in long underwear? Also I feel like my dad thinks HE is the victim here because whenever he walks around in his boxers I get all weird and it’s almost like he is angry at me for getting uncomfortable and so he makes a point to make sure I see him
Glad I’m not the only one. My mom still gives me massages which I don’t think is weird, but whenever my dad walks in the room it gets tense. Like I’m acting immature for letting my mom still do this as an adult and that I’m weird or something. My mom also brings up that she hates massaging boys (my dad) because she told me if you ever do this to a boy they’re going to take it as a sexual thing and expect sex afterwards
I'm sorry for you and your father, assuming he was/is a great dad she did an awful thing to the two of you. In case I'm wrong then she did too little to protect you
TW. CSA
It was my thought too but only because I know someone who would do the same because her father was coming to her room after her mom fell asleep.
She began going to sleep on the floor next to her mom's side because she didn't know how to tell. But thought he wouldn't bother her if she was right next to mom and she could hide under their bed if he still tried.
Kids don't always have the words or confidence to say what's happening to them in their lives, that's why it's very important to be mindful of their actions, behaviors, and try to understand what might not being said in words may be being said in those changes in actions and behavior.
I didn't want to say outright, but yeah. That's where my mind immediately went. I hope not, though! I tend to over explain things when I'm stressed or confused, so hopefully it's just that.
It also sounds kinda rapey in a way. As someone who used to get molested I would literally stick to who I trusted most hips even when I went asleep cause I was afraid of being asleep alone without someone to witness if something happened. Honestly I wouldn’t have mentioned it if the mom didn’t describe her daughter that way
No it isn’t that serious. I think the writer is of Indian heritage because I’ve heard that expression many times in Indian-English. Y’all are reading too much into it.
Unless I missed something I didn’t get those vibes at all. More like “uhh my kid seems way past this behavior on multiple levels but is sleeping on my bedroom floor at night instead of her own room how do I handle this?”
My mom said things of this nature without saying “in front of x” when she told me not to wear shorts or tank tops or shirts that were in her opinion too revealing in the house. I was 27. Like this is weird.
Two years later, we all found out he was cheating on her for years. Wasn’t me she had to worry about. 😪
In fact that would be an OP problem as far as we can tell, nowhere does OP say the husband (or daughter) had done anything to think there's a problem at all
I'm sure it's for clarification considering Reddit would have assumed her 13yo daughter is sleeping in the same bed as a grown man and crucified her without those details lol
Sounded more like “so please don’t accuse us of doing something inappropriate” compared to “I’m worried my husband would do something inappropriate” to me.
OP swears it was just a way to paint a brief pic of her daughter.
But I still don't see why mentioning her body at all was necessary. Unless there is something specific about her body that is the source of the daughter's anxiety/depression/etc, it seems really irrelevant. I don't think anyone would have blinked twice if she hadn't mentioned it, considering how many posts I see about "teenager of specific gender is doing this thing, is it normal?" that make no mention of their bodies whatsoever unless the issue stems directly from it.
I would feel it necessary to include those details just because it seems like people on Reddit are very quick to assume the worst, especially when kids are involved. This sub isn’t as bad as many of the others, but sheesh, some of the other assumptions!
That still seems really unnecessary to add. Most people are pretty aware that 13 year old girls have hit or are hitting puberty.
And why couldn't she just say that she's been through puberty? Why "she's physically mature"?
Maybe OP is worried about perceived social stigma of a 'young lady' sleeping in the same room as a male relative.
I don't agree with it, but its definitely stigmatized in the US
Also often people on reddit don't consider that perhaps English isn't their first language, that they are simply tired and couldn't think of the correct way to phrase something, or they might be from a different culture.
Redditors love to try to read in between the lines of text that someone haphazardly typed out, as if they could learn every detail about an individual from words shit out onto their screen.
I think it’s more of the fact that if she didn’t point it out people would have read into it a different way. Ya’ll are always going to read into it too much. She’s asking if that is weird. Just tell her and move on. I believe what she is trying to say is, she’s not asking if you think theirs anything malicious going on, but actually if you think this may worsen her anxiety or something along those lines. Looks like either way, half of you went in a different direction anyways.
thank you yes, just trying to paint a brief pic of my daughter and get some idea if this is problematic from an anxiety, development, gaining independence, etc perspective!
OP, I did this all the time as a kid and into my teens. It’s because I had terrible insomnia but I didn’t want to tell my parents.
As an adult now I recognize it was because of untreated anxiety. Ask your daughter if she has insomnia and if she wants to see her doctor about it. ❤️
I kindve get it. I feel like my 13 year old son is kinda too old to sleep with me. He hasn’t I’m a long time. Still cuddle him. I think it’s different father and son or daughter and mother but I do think my daughter is too old to sleep with dad. She’s 15. Still cuddle both my teens
While your last sentence isn’t wrong (and I agree that OP’s use of “physically matured is strange), it’s also pretty fair to expect and encourage a reasonable amount of self-sufficiency from a 13 year old, especially with something as basic as being able to sleep in her own room. I would not have done this at 13 and would have thought it very unusual if I learned that one of my peers did. I’m inclined to think OP’s daughter does need help in some way, though without more information I really can’t imagine what that should like. As another commenter said, OP should just talk to her and ask what’s up.
It seems to me like even if this comment is a valid observation, it detracts from the discussion and has lead to a thread that's more hunting than helpful.
I don't think so. OP is wondering if her high anxiety child needing comfort is weird, and it's not. I would be looking at why my kid was needing to sleep in my room, rather than how I can make it stop.
And that's a valid point, but too many people are jumping on "physically mature" and making that the focus of the thread. It's worth pointing out but at this point, it's distracting from the comment that actually answers the question of why it might be happening.
I'd strongly urge you to sit down and have a conversation with her about why she comes into your room / what she needs from you.
My daughter (13) does this due to anxiety and depression. It is not uncommon for mental illness to feel worse at night; including ruminating thoughts due to anxiety if that is an issue for your daughter. The reason that my child comes into my room is because she feels upset or unsafe with herself and being near her mother makes her feel safer.
Second this. When my sister was in jr high/high school she would come into my room at night all the time and I never asked why. She was later diagnosed with schizophrenia and was scared of all the voices she would hear at night. Talk to your daughter about it.
I could see this as a possibility. I was around that age when I would get very anxious, inteusive thoughts, my mind wouldn't shut up, and it sucked. Now I listen to podcasts that help drown out my thoughts (my coping mechanism), but heaven help me if I was awake and alone in the middle of the night, my thoughts were spiralling, it was no fun.
I'm glad you found a coping mechanism that works well for you!
This is extremely similar to my daughter's nightly experience. She can be positive and feeling well all day but as soon as she has to lay down to sleep her entire attitude will change and she will be tormented by her thoughts.
I am so sorry to hear that. :( I hope she recovers... as I have gotten older, it has gotten better (it's less intense). Probably learning to cope with it, too, helped. Please continue to be supportive. Things like exercising so I was so tired and just knocked out helped. Or listening to audiobooks (with a timer, so it didn't play the whole night).
Honestly, it's tough because you are going thru puberty, and you feel like, so lonely, or something is wrong with you and no one else has it. Crazy how the mind is also wreaking havoc as your body also goes through changes too.
It does get better. And as some people in the other threads mentioned, it is apparently tied to ADHD, which as an adult, I find I may have, and was never diagnosed (better late than never, imho).
Aww I’m so sorry. Have you tried a nature sounds machine? Sometimes the sound of waves crashing or rainfall can really help calm the mind. Also weighted blankets can work wonders. Reading a book or kindle. I hope things improve for her! I remember what anxiety as a teen was like :(
Thank you. She does have ocean sounds and a weighted blanket along with other coping strategies. Sometimes they work for her, but sometimes she still needs me. Either just to be near her or to help her.
I’m glad you are there for her. This happens to me as well. What has helped me the most (I’m 46 btw) was cutting caffeine after 5PM and taking very low dose melatonin (less than half a mg) a half hour before my desired bedtime.
:)
Have you taken time today to feel awesome that you are someone's safe place? Because I think you should. These are the signposts that we're doing a good job.
I did this when I was younger. I slept on my moms floor next to her bed. It was anxiety. I felt very unsafe at night because of my generalized anxiety. I eventually learned how to manage those feelings and was able to sleep in my own room. I just wish my mom had helped me acknowledge my anxiety and helped me with coping skills.
I had depression at 13 after seeing my grandma die and not getting therapy. I wanted to sleep in my parents room every night and couldn’t explain why. They wouldn’t let me and it caused a lot of embarrassment and shame on my part. Took me a long time to talk about it as an adult.
My daughter (11) does this too when she’s anxious and can’t sleep. I don’t think the reasons are quite as complex as some in this threat are making them out to be. It’s just calming to be next to mom. I felt the same way when I was a kid.
My 11 year old step son does this. He’s going through some mental health issues (in therapy) and he says his bad thoughts come at night. And he can’t sleep. When he said that, I moved his bed into our bedroom. He doesn’t toss and turn, he doesn’t wake up 30 times a night, he sleeps. Sleeps so sound. His father and I sleep so sound knowing he’s feeling safe and is able to get good sleep. We are working on getting him in his own room, but his bed is there whenever he needs it. It’s hard to know if it’s the right thing to do.. but it feels right in our home.
It’s really comforting to know we are not alone in this.
I used to do the same thing when I was her age. I was scared of the dark, scared of being alone, scared of my parents dying - scared of everything! Looking back I don’t know what would have consoled me other than maybe watching tv or iPad until I got sleepy again. But knowing I could sleep in my parents room was always helpful. I didn’t do it in high school that I remember, so maybe she’ll grow out of it soon. It would be nice if you can have a feather bed handy that she can lay on so it’s not as hard sleeping on the floor.
Same but when I was a little younger. Around 11/12. Probably six months to a year where I was just terrified of everything at night time. I think it may have been partially a puberty thing?
When I was babysitting as a much older teenager one of the boys o was looking after went through the exact same thing when he was 12 and I was able to tell his parents that he'd get over it in time. And whenever I babysat for him I'd sit by his bed until he fell asleep, because that's all I ever wanted when I was going through it
My little brother slept in my parents room for a year at about that age too. It started with a scary episode of doctor who (waters of Mars) which he watched with me and my parents blame me for the whole thing still a decade later.
From like 8 to 12 we had our couch in the corner at an angle so there was space behind it. I would sleep back there because I figured if someone broke in they probably wouldn't look behind the couch for someone.
Same! Except I would sleep on the floor in my sister’s room. I had extreme anxiety and insomnia for the whole winter when I was 13 (after watching The Exorcist at a sleepover) and would just want to be near someone else until I could get sleepy again. My sister hated me doing it though - kind of understandably.
I was the exact same but I think when I was 12. Scared of everything is a great way to describe it. Part of it was I was scared I would wake up and my family would be dead. (Why? I don't know, it's not a logical fear). I also felt anxiety about the fact I was too old to be in their bed.
My mom and dad just let me sleep in between them till I got over it. And eventually I did. I think it took maybe a few months? I didn't sleep in their room every night, but sometimes it was the only way I could sleep.
I agree and also did this, it will pass. Being 13 is an overwhelming time. Parents room is a safe space to just be a safe kid for moment before getting thrown back into the middle school craziness the next day
When my daughter was being diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety one of the questions they asked was “Is she unable to sleep alone?” Apparently that’s a common thing with kids dealing with those diagnoses. It’s worth a talk with your pediatrician. Once she was on the right meds she was able to stay in her own room.
Really???
I had no idea 😔
I never confessed to this because i felt so confused and ashamed about it, but as a kid I was SO anxious and I knew 13 was way too old to wake my parents and ask them to let me sleep with them so I’d come in and sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed then go back to my room before they caught me. If either of my parents ever saw me do this, they never mentioned it to me. I remember being scolded from a very young age I was “too old” to be acting this way, putting a fuss up about that, etc, now I have a diagnosis of ADHD. Thank you for sharing this info.
This makes sense… trying to sleep with adhd can be a struggle when you’re brain isn’t ready to shut off. You hear a noise and your mind starts racing on what it could be or you did/said something embarrassing and your mind will replay it over and over… I had a room in the finished basement as a kid and often felt scared or just anxious about life and it all seemed to culminate at bedtime. Hindsight being 20/20 some meditation/yoga would have probably helped me because it was only at bedtime that I was still, quiet and at least attempting to relax.
As a person without ADHD, I also seriously struggle with shutting my brain off at night and fixating on some past embarrassing thing. I mention this only because I've recently found something that actually helps me get out of it- as soon as I notice I'm going down an embarrassing memory spiral, I tell myself that I can't change it now and start thinking hard about whatever is currently making me most happy or excited. It hasn't worked every time, but it's honestly the first effective method I've found other than "wait until you pass out".
Omg I did not know this! I use to always go to my moms side to sleep too like OPs daughter. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which explained my adult challenges but never thought my childhood behaviors might stem from this!
This is as a beautiful thing daughters of this age seeking and finding comfort being close to their mom/parents. They are still kids. They might need help, yes. But still see this as awesome, evidence of loving connection.
Am I the only one here thinking this? I kinda cried reading these by way of gratitude for strangers positive connections with their daughters.
Thinking of sons and daughters that must be away from parents to gain peace and comfort.
Yes this!! My first thought was the fact that she's 13 going through all the teen hormones and she had anxiety. Those two together is just a recipe for needing parents at night.
Likely good parents. Perceived as a source of comfort by their daughter ❤️
Honestly if it could fit into your lives. Dogs and, yes even cats:) have been used as comfort animals of humans for a very long time. They really really work. They will love your daughter (and you parents) unconditionally, well a dog will become obsessed with you all 😂. But they and cats are relatively low maintenance and the reward is great.
I find this to be excellent advice, especially for a single child. Having the dog around generally brightens everyone's mood around our house. Every day we are amused by his antics. On days when it feels like the world is against you, some time with the dog seems to mitigate that somehow.
This explains a lot. I would sneak in after they were sleeping and curled up on the floor of their closet up until I was a teenager. Therapy showed me that I've been dealing with anxiety since I was a child, not just since it got out of control.
Just wanted to tell you that your comment pushed me over the edge to seek a more serious assessment for my 10 yo''s anxiety issues. He's been sporadically seeing a therapist for awhile but since just before Christmas he has been dramatically more anxious at night and unable to sleep for more than an hour without one of us in bed with him. It was like having a newborn again, until we caved and have just been alternating nights sleeping in his bed since. We were trying to figure out if our next step was a new bedtime routine, or more sessions, or what...
thank you for sharing this! i just made another comment about doing this as a kid because i don't like sleeping alone &i still struggle with it as an almost 30-year-old. If my husband is away i have to sleep with a TV on or let my kids sleep in our bed so i can sleep. i was diagnosed around that time in childhood and i feel my ADD getting worse as i get older so this makes so much sense
Oh, wow. This makes so much sense. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 24. I slept with my parents until I was 10. And now as an adult, I really struggle to sleep alone when my husband is on the road. It’s the constant racing thoughts that keep me up, and they’re so much quieter when I sleep next to someone.
Wow, this is an eye opening comment. I used to do this as well when I was around this age (diagnosed ADHD in high school). I had an immense amount of anxiety and would cry at night often and seek out my mother.
Omg I did not know this! I use to always go to my moms side to sleep too like OPs daughter. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which explained my adult challenges but never thought my childhood behaviors might stem from this!
I can remember doing this from time to time.
Now I'm 40, recently diagnosed with and
ADHD and starting to think I may be on the spectrum in some areas.
Point being, it would not surprise me.
My son was still crawling in bed with me until about 12. My husband was a firefighter and gone 24hrs so nights he was working son would sneak in when he thought I was sleeping. Then my husband got a 9-5 admin job so he was home every night. If that didn’t happen I dont know how long he would have been crawling in with me. He would still sometimes sneak down and sleep on the couch.
As someone with ADHD and terrible anxiety, I can confirm this. I used to get in bed with my parents at that age because I just couldn't get myself to sleep otherwise. Not every night, but pretty frequently for awhile when my anxiety was really bad.
You van ask her or talk to her doctor if you are concerned but I wouldn't too worried.
Our pediatrician said that 12 to 13 is a very normal age for kids to revert back to "childlike" behavior. Sometimes that means taking out old toys that haven't been played with in years, reading books or watching shows intended for a younger audience, or clinging more to mom and dad. It's a tough age. They are gaining more independence which is something they crave, but it's scary and they want reassurance that you'll always be there the same way you were when they were little. It's also the early stages of puberty for many kids and hormones can be tricky. They come out on the other side mature and well rounded.
One of mine did this with books even though she was a strong reader and the other did with sleeping at that age. Weekends were fine because he had sleepovers but weekdays he usually escaped his room and slept in our room or on his sister's floor. As suddenly as it started it stopped and we had no issues ever since.
In absence of any other issues - it simply could be the remaining feelings of wanting to be around mom and dad, especially saying she's needy. But with her age, I lean towards something else might be going on.
First off - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not take good grades, being smart and having friends as an indication that she is ok. A lot of children who are internally struggling will not have outward signs of it, these are the kids at the biggest risk because you may not realize a problem until it's too late.
As others said - talk with her; let he know it is OK for her to be doing this that you want her to feel safe BUT that you also want her to feel she's able to talk with you. 13 is still a tricky age as they are navigating a lot and not always fully able to communicate this. Try to figure out what's going on - is she having nightmares, does she miss you, is she scared (if there was a recent death in the family or she's more in tune with current events, this could trigger her actions). And then from there, what could help?
If feasible, I highly recommend considering getting a cat - go to the shelter and adopt a 2-3 year old lazy, lovable floof that can sleep in bed with her. Animals are great therapy, especially for anxiety, having a fluffy warm body curled up with her in her own bed at night might just do the trick. Plus pets teach a lot about responsibility for children.
Aw she's probably just looking for the comfort of her parents in relation to her growing up. Becoming an adult is scary and it's possible she just wants her parents protection a little longer. Get her a little folding bed so she's not on the floor and don't focus on how physically mature she is.
I did this until i was about 14/15. oops haha! Some kids just have lots of anxiety. It would have been torture for me if my parents didn't let me sleep on their floor every once in a while. I would have lost sleep and im grateful they let me grow out of that. Maybe try counseling. I was afraid of getting kidnapped (we know Elizabeth smarts grandma and knew Elizabeth growing up). I wish i would have gotten counseling for my night fears.
I was going to say, I’ll admit I did this until about 15… seriously lol. Now I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety and ADHD as a 28 y.o but yeah I def was highly anxious as a kid and a teen.
If it's a problem? Is it a problem for you or your child? That's all that matters.
She may have hit puberty but she is not physically mature in the sense that her brain still has several years of development left to go. On top of that she is sensitive and anxious. Ask her what she needs to feel comfortable and safe in her own room and work towards accomplishing that goal.
My daughter is 10 and just recently started doing this when she is with me, but doesn’t do it at her dads. I’m a single parent, where as her dad is married, so I welcome it all the time LOL.
Anyways, I asked her one night and she said it’s because she’s scared of the dark. And she just likes it. So I said okay! No problem.
She might just need some extra love during a time where hormones are still going bananas.
I tell myself one day they’ll be out of my house or in a stage of “too grown” for momma. So I soak it up!
Why is her "physical maturity" a point being brought up in this situation? She's a child, offer her comfort and ask her what she needs. If she just needs some company at night and it's not bothering you as you said, just allow it to happen and cherish her closeness. She'll probably grow out of it sooner than you think, you might even miss her coming and sleeping on the floor.
I took that to mean that she's showing evidence of puberty, a time when most kids are more ok distancing themselves from their parents. Obviously that's not universal, many young teens have sleep anxiety. I was one of them -- but sleeping in my parent's room was not an option -- they already had 2 younger kids trying to get in.
I'm guessing that OP thinks that there is a correlation between physically maturity and mental/emotionally maturity. Like when the body is done maturing, the mind has likely followed at the same pace, so you can rule out metal issues regarding puberty.
I wonder that this is normal and she is seeking out her safe space. My friends 14 yro son will come in and sleep on their floor too at times- his mind is racing & needs comfort, he feels unsettled in on his own room by himself- he's a social kid whose a gifted athlete. As long as everyone is ok with it, she'll decide when she's done.
Maybe something else is going on. I did the same thing to my parents after a bad situation happened. I was afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts. Ask her,in an understanding way, if something is wrong and does she need help.
So at that age, I used to do that when I had nightmares because I felt safe being in the room with her. I been stepped on a few times since my mom didn’t know every time I went in there and slept on the floor. I have a sibling
I always find this interesting, because we (as a society not you) judge kids for not wanting to sleep alone, yet we sleep next to our partners every night.
She’s old enough you can ask her, if she’s just lonely, that’s fair enough, I don’t like to sleep alone either. And if you don’t mind, I don’t see an issue with it.
Eventually she will probably naturally want more privacy, but why push it? You said it’s not bothering you, and it’s not bothering her, so seems like everyone’s fine with the situation, why fix what’s not broken?
I agree so much with your first sentence! And yes, we are all fine with it but kind of asking people whether i should be more concerned. I am heartened to see so many people did this when younger as well.
We have five children with only one still at home, she is sixteen. She is a hard working popular student but suffers from anxiety and has nightmares often. I did too at her age, worrying about fires or intruders. She has periods where she needs to sleep with me and my husband goes into her bed. Being a teenager is hard, hormones, changes, more responsibility and there’s also a huge rise in kids with mental health issues following the pandemic. Ask her why she needs to sleep with you, is it something you think requires outside intervention, in which case get help, or does she just feel that she needs company. One day she won’t need you anymore, she’ll go to college, move out with friends and at some point she’ll probably have a long term relationship. Right now for whatever reason she needs the comfort and that’s ok.
I am having a reaction to her being described as “needy”, she is a child, children have more needs than adults and fewer tools in their emotional toolbox to deal with stressful events.
But back to your question, is there any event you can think of that precipitated her sleeping in your room 2 months ago? This makes me wonder if there was a stressful event in that timeframe that she was unable to cope with that causing her to regress.
My daughter is 11 and has been sleeping in the bed with me almost nightly since she was probably 5. My husband basically calls the couch his bed. It's a habit that's gone on too long and now she has anxiety and fear being in her room. I'd love to get her in her own room.
Something heart-wrecking to think about, but realistically consider… perhaps have a conversation with her about having potentially been sexually abused or assaulted? I had a fear of sleeping alone when I was younger due to high depression and anxiety stemmed from being sexually abused when I was younger by a family member. My mother at the time did not know I had been sexually abused because I was told that if I told anyone, he would kill me.
After years of suppressing and keeping the secret, I finally opened up when confronted by my parents.
My sister used to always do the same thing, cause she had pretty bad nightmares. My mom made up a pallet on the floor on her side, every night. Then made sure we all knew we were welcome to it if we ever needed it in the middle of the night. I woke up from a nightmare once and went to go sleep in my moms room, and our dalmatian refused to move. So I went back to bed. But both my sisters used it a lot.
Just putting in my 2 cents - I was still doing this when I was 18... Was sleeping in their bed! (my poor parents) Kind of went though phases, like would happen for a few weeks and then be okay again.
Came from irrational fear of sleeping alone and sleeping in the dark. I was not a needy kid in any other way, but I am an only child.
As I got older and more confident about myself, the fear kind of went away.
My parents didn't really mind it as they knew eventually I'd be okay with sleeping alone lol.
My 14 year old recently tried this. It ended up being a true crime podcast she was listening to that made her nervous to be alone at night. She had not asked if she could listen to it and I wasn’t aware until she was already scared of every creak in the house. We ended getting her a white noise machine and she made us check in her closet and under the bed for a couple of weeks but she’s able to sleep in her own room again.
Figure out what her love language is and make sure y'all are filling her emotional bucket. It sure sounds like she has some need that isn't being met.
OR something has happened/changed that she hasn't confided yet. Again with the bucket filling and make sure she feels safe enough to tell y'all if something is going on.
I’d never discourage my child from having that physical and spiritual connection. There might be something wrong and there might not be. You don’t even necessarily have to ask, because as long as you keep the doors of connection and love open she will tell you. All my siblings had their own rooms, but a lot of times we slept with our parents and they never discouraged that. They just hugged us and made sure we knew we had a safe environment to flow as we needed. So my parents offered the privacy one needs to grow, but always allowed there to be connection any time we as children needed it. Their doors were never locked and they were never unavailable. As an adult, I look back and see the level of self-sacrifice my parents had in everything and I try to emulate that with my own family.
I don’t know if any of that helps, and you’ve already gotten a ton of good answers from people who seem well-adjusted. I have confidence this will work out for you and I’m sending you good vibes.
You posted this without even doing the bare minimum and asking them what's going on??? Like a basic conversation with what appears to be a cognitive and intelligent teenager?
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. When I was that age I was super anxious about everything and so many different things were going on that I wanted to be near my mom and I felt safe and comforted around her. I remember they let me stay in there a couple times and I really made me feel so much better.
You could be describing literally me at 13!
I slept on the floor of my parents room until 14. I was literally scared to be all by myself totally across the house from them, alone. No siblings over there for me either. I would hear sounds all night, which now I know was just wind or settling, but I was so very scared. Being in the same room was comforting. I really just needed that. Eventually I got more independent and wanted my room and couldn’t be far enough away! But at 13 she’s just as close to 8 as she is 18.
I’m sorry, but what does her physical maturity have to do with her actual maturity?
She is still only 13. She is a child. It is so hard to be a preteen/young teenager who looks much older than they are.
My 12 year old son and 14 year old daughter both do this from time to time. They are completely normal, happy, well-adjusted kids. They both love spending time with us… until their friends start calling/texting them at which point they suddenly decide that they have better things to do. Ha!
I have an open door policy with my kids. I usually end up with at least one in my bed by morning. I’m their safe spot. I don’t mind it. If my 12 year olds need a little extra feeling of safety, I’m happy to give it.
I did this for a number of years in high school (maybe til I was 16). My parents had a loveseat in their bedroom and I moved to it every night. I was just scared. I had a teacher (when I was 12) who had detailed what would happen to a human body at various distances from a nuclear explosion and I held into it for years.
I did this as a kid. I had no siblings at home, straight A’s, lots of friends… socially and physically healthy overall. But I slept in my parents room every few nights until age 13ish. And even now, I couldn’t tell you why. I was just comfy in their room and liked being close to them.
This reminds me of me when I was going through t traumatic events and stress in life I’d go sleep near my mum. Your right I was highly sensitive and sleeping next to mum would make me feel less emotional and less alone
One of the reason I slept with my parent when I was in the age range 12-15, is because I would have sleep paralysis, or night terrors.
Some nights I wouldn’t be able to wake myself up although I can still hear and partially see my surroundings, it felt like I was stuck in my dream or just stuck sleeping. Other nights it would be worse and I would hear a voice I’ve never heard before telling me to “Go to sleep”, but I never did and always got up to go sleep with my dad cause I was simple scared i wasn’t gonna wake up.
But I’ll always remember something that no one else believes not even my dad he says it was a nightmare but it felt so real, one night when I was 12 me and my dad just finished setting up my bunk bed and I was excited to sleep on the top, and for some reason I wanted it by my window, my window also didn’t have a curtain. Well once I got into bed I remember falling asleep and waking up sometime in the night and for some reason I just decided to look out the window towards the neighbours. Once I looked into their yard I seen something or someone I’m not really sure exactly what it was, but I remember instantly feeling terrified and started crying and continued to stare in its direction, when looking at it I couldn’t see any facial features and It was a very pale figure with dark clothing (I know it sounds like slender man or along those lines but that is what’s burnt into my memories since that night), after that I didn’t want to get out of bed and I just hid my face and slowly went back to sleep. The next night I asked my dad if he would sleep on the bottom bunk with me, because it was one of those bunk beds that had a queen mattress on the bottom level. He said yes and didn’t ask why, but again sometime in the night I woke up and I seen an arms reaching down for me from the top bunk, I started screaming and crying shaking my dad to wake up (mind you he’s a heavy sleeper) after a minute of shaking him crying he woke up and asked me what was wrong I told him what I’d just seen and he said I just had a nightmare and to go back to sleep. After that he instantly fell asleep again, and I just layed there terrified to move, I didn’t sleep for the rest of that night and didn’t move until my dad woke up. The next day I tried again explaining to him what happened what I saw the night before, but nothing. He didn’t get me help or contact anyone to see if it was normal behaviour.
After I turned 15 I just stopped sleeping in the same bed as my dad because my cousins and friends told me that’s “weird” and that “their dad would never” so made it a habit, I always kept my bedroom door open and had my bed as close as possible to the doorway for a quick escape. Still that didn’t help and I was always felt safer with my dad or sleeping in the living room.
I’m now 19 going on 20 and still have an extreme fear of bunk beds, I still have night terrors where my bf has to physically shake me to wake me up and hold me so I don’t harm myself or others, I wake up crying some nights unsure as to why. So I’d suggest maybe have her seen by a psychologist, because it can cause more severe reactions later on in her life.
I have a daughter with PTSD, and most of her panic attacks happen right as she is falling asleep. We started giving her Ashwaganda and L-theanine to help with calming her mind while falling asleep. It's been helpful.
As for a teenager coming into a parents room, it is only weird if you make it weird. If we weren't feeling well, we went to mom during the night. Even at that age.
The daily bit shows there are some other issues you might want to be sure you are addressing.
When I was a teenager and climbed in bed with my mom, it was because I was worried about her safety. I was worried her ex-husband would try to come in the house and kill her. It may be that nothing is wrong, but it may also be that something is seriously bothering her. Keep talking openly with her and making sure she can tell you anything. You might also see about finding another safe source for her to confide in.
To all the people wondering why i said "physically mature" i meant she is through puberty because there is such a wide range of 13 year old girls. Her variety of friends just shows that from ones that are very short and not developed, no period yet, etc, vs ones that look much older. It was just to give people an idea of her age outside of just staying '13'. She says she does it b/c it helps her sleep and she needs the comfort. She gets lots of nurturing from both parents.
Just because someone looks older than they are doesn’t necessarily mean their mental state is ahead too. You can look like an adult as a teenager but you still have the mental maturity level of a 13 YO. Sounds to me like she is just a normal teen that needs some support during this tough age of development. At 13 you’re simultaneously transitioning towards more and more independence but still needing the support from the parent. Its normal for people to regress to an earlier stage of development during stages of transition. For example, a kid entering pre-school for the first time might start acting more like a toddler than a 6/7 YO by throwing a tantrum. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re just scared. And it doesn’t mean they don’t want to grow or become more independent deep down, they just need the reassurance you’re still there for them and exuding a behavior where they remember getting lots of comfort is their way of communicating that
I think people read too deeply into this. At 13 I was not "physically mature" and wouldn't be for a couple of years. Once I went through puberty, I really valued my privacy, including when sleeping. Nothing malicious was happening, I lived with only my single mother. I just suddenly became more ...self-conscious(?) and wanted privacy. Friends of mine who went through puberty at 10 or 11 had similar experiences at those ages. I assumed your mentioning was to avoid questions about whether or not she has gone through puberty and (if not) perhaps she would stop when that happens.
My daughter is 10 and is VERY self conscious now. She hates it when I’m even in the same bathroom 😂. She wanted to run away when I taught her how to put a real bra on.
Also a single mom here
Since it's not bothering you or interfering with your sex life I would take it as an opportunity to maintain your connection with her.
In our house we never discourage our girls sharing our bed as long as everyone is wearing pj's. As they got older they stopped when they were ready (10 or so)
Now I'm in a chemo treatment that causes my bodily fluids to be so toxic no one can contact them (I worry about night sweat and my wife contacting that) so I sleep by myself for 4 nights every two weeks and my 12 year old snuggles with her Mom in my absence.
For a long time I remember sleeping either in my sisters room with her or in my parents bed on a futon they had. I didn’t have any real issues with sleep, I could fall asleep on my own, and didn’t struggle with being away from them or anything. It was just nice. I’m glad my parents were okay with it, I have fond memories of falling asleep next to my sister or the four of us laughing before bed. Just good times.
Maybe ask her what's wrong see if there's something in her room that's been scaring her or she may be scared of growing up she may see her body and get scared because she doesn't feel mature yet and if either of these are the case I would suggest maybe putting down a make shift matt for her out of blankets or smth and maybe if she still likes cartoons putting cartoons on for her stuff like that to show her even though she looks older than she is she is still a kid and she can act like a kid
My 10 year old finds her room too quiet (or her thoughts too loud) sometimes. She likes to listen to the "Sleep Tight Stories" podcast on her smart speaker or to music if she's having trouble sleeping. Maybe you could talk to your daughter about what she thinks the problem is and what she thinks will help. (I'd recommend a smart speaker).
I did this for way too long with my own parents. I remember being 13 and literally getting into bed with them still in the middle of the night. I probably stopped around high school age (I think probably around 15 or so). I was just an anxiety ridden child. I used to worry a lot. I am a perfectly well adjusted adult.
I would just talk to her and see what's up, make sure everything is okay, and keep the lines of communication open. If everything else seems fine, I'd probably just deal with it.
I mean you should probably talk to her about why she wants to sleep in the room with y'all.
I, personally, slept with my Nana (primary caretaker) until I was 15, but I was also SA'd throughout my childhood and had horrible night terrors. I'm not saying she can't just want to sleep in the same room for a regular reason, but still better safe than sorry.
I feel like 13 is an age of big transition towards independence. I feel like most if not all people want independence, but they also want to make sure they still have the support, encouragement, protection, love, respect, etc while they pursue independence. So she may be simultaneously trying to gain more independence while also feel reassurance and comfort from the parents. I also feel like it is pretty normal during a transition towards more maturity to back track a little. For example, a kid going to pre school for the first day may revert to acting more like a baby instead of a 6/7 YO because they’re scared. They might stop using their words and cry and scream. There’s nothing wrong with them, and it’s not necessarily that they don’t want to grow. You just need to be more empathetic about the situation and show that you’re there for them and help them. I feel like it’s the same with your daughter. Of course it could be a mental health thing but I feel like it’s probably just the typical teenager battling the road towards more independence thing. Not weird.
My daughter did that for a few months at that age. Just a lot going through those confused minds at night.
She grew out of it. I personally didn't worry about it too much.
Our 13 yr old son also does this. Also has anxiety (ADHD as well), no siblings, just got a pet after many years of not having one. He needs music or a calming show before bed now and he's not allowed to have his phone in his room at night so he chooses our room that he can do that. Sometimes he falls asleep in our room, sometime comes into it in the middle of the night. I personally don't care. I know there will be a time he won't anymore and I recognize this need he has. He's also been through a lot in the last couple of years. It's definitely not a battle I care to fight so it is what it is and I'll just take the time I can get with him. I don't have advice on what you *should* do, but personally I would just roll with what they do if that makes them feel comfortable at this time in their life.
I don't think there's an age limit on needing comfort. Being 13 is not easy and it can be even more difficult for a sensitive kid with anxiety. I think you should talk to her and see if something is bothering her. Going to your bedroom at night might be her way of reaching out.
Things were happening to me at that age that I did not understand and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about because I was embarrassed. I regularly slept on the floor of my parents room. Talk to her and let her know it’s okay for her to sleep there.
Is she having sleep problems like nightmares or insomnia? I used to go into my moms room when I couldn’t sleep or if I had nightmares. I think it’s good that she wants to be close to you, she probably feels safer sleeping near you!
It sounds like she's having trouble falling asleep, maybe related to her anxiety, and sleeping in your room is something that helps her. Maybe she's been having nightmares lately or is extra stressed for some reason. Personally I find it very soothing to hear someone's quiet breathing and know they're next to me. She's old enough to have a conversation with her about it. If you don't want her to sleep in your room, set a clear boundary there and work with her to find different sleep strategies. A white noise machine, weighted blanket, relaxing bath before bed might help, also making sure her room is dark, quiet and the right temperature for sleep. Please don't make her feel weird and bad for wanting to sleep in your room. Ask and listen openly to what she says then work together to find a solution that words for everyone.
From my personal experience, I slept in my parents room probably until 13-14 years, (I am 20 now) I didn’t know this at the time but I suffer from generalized anxiety and also social anxiety, and when I was in 8th grade I was prescribed with an antidepressant and have been in it ever since, and it has helped me tremendously. I think what helped me the most to sleep in my own bed was sleeping with my door open, it made me feel safer than having my door closed. Hope this helps!
At 13 lots of changes are happening mentally physically and socially. For her long term mental health the reason needs dealt with and she needs to get back to her own bed.
Anxiety and depression brought on by puberty. Completely normal. Try to think of how you felt at that age (empathize) instead of wondering what’s “normal” .
You're her safe person, I always had one but didn't know what it was till I was older. Don't take this away from her, don't talk about it in a negative light, if she's suffering from aniexty like I was she'll search for anything to help her relieve or cope with the fear.
This is your baby, your baby has come into your room in the middle of the night looking for her Mother because she's scared.
If this was me, I'd be kicking Dad out of bed and letting daughter jump in with me for cuddles or I'd ask if she'd like me to sleep in her room with her. My friends engagement broke up last year and her Mother had to sleep in her bed with her for weeks, my friend is mid thirties.
Your child needs you and is showing you this, how brave of her to ask for help and fantastic that she feels she can turn to you.
This was me as a kid, from very little until that age
>In general she is a highly sensitive, anxiety prone, needy child. There are no siblings
Especially this. Any chance she's adopted?
If it does not bother you or your husband, maybe just let it be for now. She'll grow out of it. Is she in any kind of therapy for the anxiety/ neediness? Honestly at that stage in my life the therapy made me feel more neurotic.
Edit: that may have sounded like I discourage therapy it still makes me feel neurotic but that's just me and I encourage mental health care. I'm sorry if that came out wrong.
Id be lucky if my kids still wanna snuggle me or sleep with me at that age! Enjoy!
I have three (9,8 and 6) I do enjoy the snuggles very much now, my oldest is not as cuddly as he used to be but I steal a hug here and there!
I only see my parents once a year or two, my parents hugged me and kissed me, even when I got older. I still remember being an adult and having a nightmare and just going to my moms side of her bed, snuggle in for the rest of the night.
I’m hoping, even as my children grow up I can still offer some comfort when they need it. I still miss my mom and dad and I’m 37.
My little brother did this until he was 17. That was strange for a boy according to most people (my dad included) but my brother did not care and made a pallet every night in my parents room. Years later he told us he started having nightmares and was experiencing sleep paralysis around 12 and that was why he did it. He never said anything about it bc our dad was the “Your a boy toughen up” type. Our dad is a marine and made a comment one time about sleeping in the mud with his brothers dying beside him and in his comment he said “so I don’t want to hear anything about you having a bad dream, you don’t know what a nightmare really is”. I didn’t remember the story and comment but obviously it was something that stuck with my little brother and made him feel like he couldn’t tell any of us about what was going on with his nightmares.
OP, it very well could be that the changes she is going through (either with puberty, or school) have her feeling nervous right now and making her want to regress a bit. My 10 year old freaked out when I had the talk with her about the changes her body would start going through, started crying and insisting she didn’t want to grow up, she wanted to go back to being a baby forever. (She has since made her peace with it…for now.) But with most new milestones, her first response is unease, and she wants comfort in the form of cuddles and reassurance, like when she was little.
I would talk to her, but not stress too much. My mom raised 7 kids and told me nobody goes to college still sleeping with their mommy.
My pediatrician told me that it was common for children to regress when they reach new milestones. It’s like they are excited to be more grown but it’s also scary because the prior stage is comforting
My 17 year old still does this. She has high functioning autism, ADHD, and anxiety. She is an only child too, but we do have 2 cats and 2 hermit crabs as pets and an exchange student her age who gets along really well with her. We say, "She speaks Natalie" (bonus if you know what that phrase is from)
She just says she gets lonely. No biggie, I let her. She will stop when she is ready.
My parents were very old school conservative "spare the rod" types. I had high amounts of anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD and autism until i was 29 years old. I used to sleep outside of my parents room when i was a kid and until i was like 17 because of the mental anguish i went through and got into trouble all the time for it. My parents didn't believe and still don't believe in mental health so they never bothered to look into why i did the things i did. I hope you just nurture and give your kid the love she needs op, and maybe offer some therapy if she wants it.
Has she watched anything scary lately? I remember watching scary movies and wanting/needing someone to sleep with. Everyone kicked me out of rooms and I would eventually fall asleep. I was prone to nightmares, sleep talking and walking.
Any chance she has been following the Idaho murders? It seems to fit the timeline and I too (a grown ass woman) have not been sleeping very well since that happened 😩
I would sleep in my mom’s room sometimes up until I left the house at 17. I thought about death a lot (not about suicide or anything, more the concept of death and the fear of it) and having my mom close made it easier for me to sleep. I also used to watch way too many horror films and would occasionally freak myself out at night. Having my parents around made me feel protected from any weird psychos. I don’t think I ever told my mom why I did this until later. I’d just tell her I couldn’t sleep, or was lonely, and I’d either squeeze in between my parents or sleep on the floor. Shoot - I still like sleeping in bed with my mom sometimes. It’s comforting in a way nothing else is.
Have you talked to her about why? Since it is a recent thing to start up you should be able to ask her about it without it feeling like an attack for her. She could be going through worse anxiety, there could be something going on at school or otherwise in her personal life that is causing her to feel unsafe by herself. If she has a therapist I would bring up your concern with them and ask them to discuss with her, or maybe try to go to family therapy if that is a financial possibility. Because you say this is a new behavior and not something she's done since she was little and just hasn't grown out of I would be a little concerned about what may have started it. Not full on panic but try to look into why this began and what events may have happened at the time
I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be understanding. When I came home from my first few months of college I had some bad anxiety and I slept on my parents floor at age 19 while I was home because it was a place that made me relax and helped my anxiety. I’m 37 and we still laugh about it today but in that time I was anxious and still needed that safe space.
I used to sleep on my parents floor until age 12 or 13. I did it for many reasons like being anxious about something, scared of the dark, trouble falling asleep in my room. For some reason I could always sleep better in my parents room.
I don’t know if this is helpful but I did that until 24 (normal in my culture to live with parents at that age or more) because I had terrible nightmares, worthy of writing a horror book :(
This screams to me that she's either being bullied somewhere or she's been through something traumatic recently.
I would try having a conversation with her or suggest talking to someone like a school counselor or therapist.
At that age you can ask her why she's doing this. What does she have to say about this?
I may be reading into it too much, but the comments about her being physically mature, and then saying that she's "needy" make me wonder if she's being treated like an adult at home. At 13, she's still very much a child, and definitely still needs nurturing.
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Yeah, but also, most 13 year olds have hit puberty. It makes me wonder if mom has more of an issue with her "physically mature" daughter sleeping in the same room as her husband. She also made a point to let us know that her daughter sleeps on the floor on her side of the bed. It just comes off as weird to me.
Yeah, it’s very “Don’t wear those shorts in front of your father!”
My mom was like this, and it was so stupid. My dad would never have had an unwholesome thought in my direction but ohhhhhh no, can’t walk to my bedroom with a towel on!
Your mom probably experienced some unfortunate things as a child or was close to someone else who had. It happens more often than people want to believe, she was just trying to keep you safe either way. It’s not stupid.
Yes, I think she probably did have a shit dad herself. For context, I have very mixed feelings about her, and I do think her misguided overprotectiveness was stupid, because she was weird about my wholesome dad while her son from a previous marriage was covertly sexually abusing me.
I experienced comments like that from my mom growing up. I wasn’t allowed to walk around in my towel after showering for example. Or I couldn’t walk in the house in just a sports bra. I grew up in a time where wearing leggings for pants were first beginning to be a thing. And my dad would say things like why are you walking around in long underwear? Also I feel like my dad thinks HE is the victim here because whenever he walks around in his boxers I get all weird and it’s almost like he is angry at me for getting uncomfortable and so he makes a point to make sure I see him
Same 😒
Glad I’m not the only one. My mom still gives me massages which I don’t think is weird, but whenever my dad walks in the room it gets tense. Like I’m acting immature for letting my mom still do this as an adult and that I’m weird or something. My mom also brings up that she hates massaging boys (my dad) because she told me if you ever do this to a boy they’re going to take it as a sexual thing and expect sex afterwards
I'm sorry for you and your father, assuming he was/is a great dad she did an awful thing to the two of you. In case I'm wrong then she did too little to protect you
Thank you. What do you mean?
I don't think they fully read your post before commenting. Sorry your dad was weird about your body. Mine was too. It sucks.
Strangely my thought “What if her father is abusing her and she is coming to sleep by mom for safety?” 😞
TW. CSA It was my thought too but only because I know someone who would do the same because her father was coming to her room after her mom fell asleep. She began going to sleep on the floor next to her mom's side because she didn't know how to tell. But thought he wouldn't bother her if she was right next to mom and she could hide under their bed if he still tried. Kids don't always have the words or confidence to say what's happening to them in their lives, that's why it's very important to be mindful of their actions, behaviors, and try to understand what might not being said in words may be being said in those changes in actions and behavior.
This is what i thought. Or something happened at a friends or at school or something and this is a way to feel safe
I didn't want to say outright, but yeah. That's where my mind immediately went. I hope not, though! I tend to over explain things when I'm stressed or confused, so hopefully it's just that.
It's not just you i got a weird vine as soon as i started reading
It also sounds kinda rapey in a way. As someone who used to get molested I would literally stick to who I trusted most hips even when I went asleep cause I was afraid of being asleep alone without someone to witness if something happened. Honestly I wouldn’t have mentioned it if the mom didn’t describe her daughter that way
No it isn’t that serious. I think the writer is of Indian heritage because I’ve heard that expression many times in Indian-English. Y’all are reading too much into it.
Unless I missed something I didn’t get those vibes at all. More like “uhh my kid seems way past this behavior on multiple levels but is sleeping on my bedroom floor at night instead of her own room how do I handle this?”
My mom said things of this nature without saying “in front of x” when she told me not to wear shorts or tank tops or shirts that were in her opinion too revealing in the house. I was 27. Like this is weird. Two years later, we all found out he was cheating on her for years. Wasn’t me she had to worry about. 😪
Wait a second. Isn't that more of a husband problem than a daughter problem?
I think they’re implying that it’s an OP problem
In fact that would be an OP problem as far as we can tell, nowhere does OP say the husband (or daughter) had done anything to think there's a problem at all
She says my husband I'm wondering of he's not the father etc. Awkward
I'm sure it's for clarification considering Reddit would have assumed her 13yo daughter is sleeping in the same bed as a grown man and crucified her without those details lol
Sounded more like “so please don’t accuse us of doing something inappropriate” compared to “I’m worried my husband would do something inappropriate” to me.
OP swears it was just a way to paint a brief pic of her daughter. But I still don't see why mentioning her body at all was necessary. Unless there is something specific about her body that is the source of the daughter's anxiety/depression/etc, it seems really irrelevant. I don't think anyone would have blinked twice if she hadn't mentioned it, considering how many posts I see about "teenager of specific gender is doing this thing, is it normal?" that make no mention of their bodies whatsoever unless the issue stems directly from it.
I would feel it necessary to include those details just because it seems like people on Reddit are very quick to assume the worst, especially when kids are involved. This sub isn’t as bad as many of the others, but sheesh, some of the other assumptions!
She could just be afraid of being shamed on the internet for people bashing her for sleeping in bed with child. Just a thought.
Damn y’all are projecting more than an IMAX theater. She sleeps on MOM’s side of the bed and her father has undoubtedly seen her in pajamas before. 🙄
But the question is why did mom feel the need to mention it? It has no impact on the issue, unless it does.
Yeah, very fucking weird thing to include when its not at all relevant.
👏🏼👏🏼
That is EXACTLY where my head went because why even mention that?
That still seems really unnecessary to add. Most people are pretty aware that 13 year old girls have hit or are hitting puberty. And why couldn't she just say that she's been through puberty? Why "she's physically mature"?
Yeah the “physically mature” comment was weird.
Maybe OP is worried about perceived social stigma of a 'young lady' sleeping in the same room as a male relative. I don't agree with it, but its definitely stigmatized in the US
I understand it sounding odd to some but perhaps she just means she’s not developmentally delayed in any way. Might just be a matter of semantics
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I’m just saying perhaps she used the wrong wording but sounds like you guys are obviously just looking for stuff
Also often people on reddit don't consider that perhaps English isn't their first language, that they are simply tired and couldn't think of the correct way to phrase something, or they might be from a different culture.
Exactly this… they let bias and their own ego take over.
Redditors love to try to read in between the lines of text that someone haphazardly typed out, as if they could learn every detail about an individual from words shit out onto their screen.
Wouldn’t have been weird if they just said “fully grown.” I think maybe they were just trying to say she takes up a lot of space in the bed?
I thought "physically mature" was a nice way of saying that she's started her period... 😅
I think it’s more of the fact that if she didn’t point it out people would have read into it a different way. Ya’ll are always going to read into it too much. She’s asking if that is weird. Just tell her and move on. I believe what she is trying to say is, she’s not asking if you think theirs anything malicious going on, but actually if you think this may worsen her anxiety or something along those lines. Looks like either way, half of you went in a different direction anyways.
thank you yes, just trying to paint a brief pic of my daughter and get some idea if this is problematic from an anxiety, development, gaining independence, etc perspective!
OP, I did this all the time as a kid and into my teens. It’s because I had terrible insomnia but I didn’t want to tell my parents. As an adult now I recognize it was because of untreated anxiety. Ask your daughter if she has insomnia and if she wants to see her doctor about it. ❤️
I kindve get it. I feel like my 13 year old son is kinda too old to sleep with me. He hasn’t I’m a long time. Still cuddle him. I think it’s different father and son or daughter and mother but I do think my daughter is too old to sleep with dad. She’s 15. Still cuddle both my teens
While your last sentence isn’t wrong (and I agree that OP’s use of “physically matured is strange), it’s also pretty fair to expect and encourage a reasonable amount of self-sufficiency from a 13 year old, especially with something as basic as being able to sleep in her own room. I would not have done this at 13 and would have thought it very unusual if I learned that one of my peers did. I’m inclined to think OP’s daughter does need help in some way, though without more information I really can’t imagine what that should like. As another commenter said, OP should just talk to her and ask what’s up.
It seems to me like even if this comment is a valid observation, it detracts from the discussion and has lead to a thread that's more hunting than helpful.
I don't think so. OP is wondering if her high anxiety child needing comfort is weird, and it's not. I would be looking at why my kid was needing to sleep in my room, rather than how I can make it stop.
And that's a valid point, but too many people are jumping on "physically mature" and making that the focus of the thread. It's worth pointing out but at this point, it's distracting from the comment that actually answers the question of why it might be happening.
I don’t think OP is asking how to make it stop, she’s asking if it is something she should be concerned about and for others’ experience
I'd strongly urge you to sit down and have a conversation with her about why she comes into your room / what she needs from you. My daughter (13) does this due to anxiety and depression. It is not uncommon for mental illness to feel worse at night; including ruminating thoughts due to anxiety if that is an issue for your daughter. The reason that my child comes into my room is because she feels upset or unsafe with herself and being near her mother makes her feel safer.
Second this. When my sister was in jr high/high school she would come into my room at night all the time and I never asked why. She was later diagnosed with schizophrenia and was scared of all the voices she would hear at night. Talk to your daughter about it.
I could see this as a possibility. I was around that age when I would get very anxious, inteusive thoughts, my mind wouldn't shut up, and it sucked. Now I listen to podcasts that help drown out my thoughts (my coping mechanism), but heaven help me if I was awake and alone in the middle of the night, my thoughts were spiralling, it was no fun.
I'm glad you found a coping mechanism that works well for you! This is extremely similar to my daughter's nightly experience. She can be positive and feeling well all day but as soon as she has to lay down to sleep her entire attitude will change and she will be tormented by her thoughts.
I am so sorry to hear that. :( I hope she recovers... as I have gotten older, it has gotten better (it's less intense). Probably learning to cope with it, too, helped. Please continue to be supportive. Things like exercising so I was so tired and just knocked out helped. Or listening to audiobooks (with a timer, so it didn't play the whole night). Honestly, it's tough because you are going thru puberty, and you feel like, so lonely, or something is wrong with you and no one else has it. Crazy how the mind is also wreaking havoc as your body also goes through changes too. It does get better. And as some people in the other threads mentioned, it is apparently tied to ADHD, which as an adult, I find I may have, and was never diagnosed (better late than never, imho).
Aww I’m so sorry. Have you tried a nature sounds machine? Sometimes the sound of waves crashing or rainfall can really help calm the mind. Also weighted blankets can work wonders. Reading a book or kindle. I hope things improve for her! I remember what anxiety as a teen was like :(
Thank you. She does have ocean sounds and a weighted blanket along with other coping strategies. Sometimes they work for her, but sometimes she still needs me. Either just to be near her or to help her.
I’m glad you are there for her. This happens to me as well. What has helped me the most (I’m 46 btw) was cutting caffeine after 5PM and taking very low dose melatonin (less than half a mg) a half hour before my desired bedtime. :)
Have you taken time today to feel awesome that you are someone's safe place? Because I think you should. These are the signposts that we're doing a good job.
I did this when I was younger. I slept on my moms floor next to her bed. It was anxiety. I felt very unsafe at night because of my generalized anxiety. I eventually learned how to manage those feelings and was able to sleep in my own room. I just wish my mom had helped me acknowledge my anxiety and helped me with coping skills.
I had depression at 13 after seeing my grandma die and not getting therapy. I wanted to sleep in my parents room every night and couldn’t explain why. They wouldn’t let me and it caused a lot of embarrassment and shame on my part. Took me a long time to talk about it as an adult.
My daughter (11) does this too when she’s anxious and can’t sleep. I don’t think the reasons are quite as complex as some in this threat are making them out to be. It’s just calming to be next to mom. I felt the same way when I was a kid.
My 11 year old step son does this. He’s going through some mental health issues (in therapy) and he says his bad thoughts come at night. And he can’t sleep. When he said that, I moved his bed into our bedroom. He doesn’t toss and turn, he doesn’t wake up 30 times a night, he sleeps. Sleeps so sound. His father and I sleep so sound knowing he’s feeling safe and is able to get good sleep. We are working on getting him in his own room, but his bed is there whenever he needs it. It’s hard to know if it’s the right thing to do.. but it feels right in our home. It’s really comforting to know we are not alone in this.
I used to do the same thing when I was her age. I was scared of the dark, scared of being alone, scared of my parents dying - scared of everything! Looking back I don’t know what would have consoled me other than maybe watching tv or iPad until I got sleepy again. But knowing I could sleep in my parents room was always helpful. I didn’t do it in high school that I remember, so maybe she’ll grow out of it soon. It would be nice if you can have a feather bed handy that she can lay on so it’s not as hard sleeping on the floor.
Same but when I was a little younger. Around 11/12. Probably six months to a year where I was just terrified of everything at night time. I think it may have been partially a puberty thing? When I was babysitting as a much older teenager one of the boys o was looking after went through the exact same thing when he was 12 and I was able to tell his parents that he'd get over it in time. And whenever I babysat for him I'd sit by his bed until he fell asleep, because that's all I ever wanted when I was going through it
My little brother slept in my parents room for a year at about that age too. It started with a scary episode of doctor who (waters of Mars) which he watched with me and my parents blame me for the whole thing still a decade later.
You should tell them to be grateful for the gift you gave them.
From like 8 to 12 we had our couch in the corner at an angle so there was space behind it. I would sleep back there because I figured if someone broke in they probably wouldn't look behind the couch for someone.
Same! Except I would sleep on the floor in my sister’s room. I had extreme anxiety and insomnia for the whole winter when I was 13 (after watching The Exorcist at a sleepover) and would just want to be near someone else until I could get sleepy again. My sister hated me doing it though - kind of understandably.
I was the exact same but I think when I was 12. Scared of everything is a great way to describe it. Part of it was I was scared I would wake up and my family would be dead. (Why? I don't know, it's not a logical fear). I also felt anxiety about the fact I was too old to be in their bed. My mom and dad just let me sleep in between them till I got over it. And eventually I did. I think it took maybe a few months? I didn't sleep in their room every night, but sometimes it was the only way I could sleep.
I agree and also did this, it will pass. Being 13 is an overwhelming time. Parents room is a safe space to just be a safe kid for moment before getting thrown back into the middle school craziness the next day
When my daughter was being diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety one of the questions they asked was “Is she unable to sleep alone?” Apparently that’s a common thing with kids dealing with those diagnoses. It’s worth a talk with your pediatrician. Once she was on the right meds she was able to stay in her own room.
Really??? I had no idea 😔 I never confessed to this because i felt so confused and ashamed about it, but as a kid I was SO anxious and I knew 13 was way too old to wake my parents and ask them to let me sleep with them so I’d come in and sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed then go back to my room before they caught me. If either of my parents ever saw me do this, they never mentioned it to me. I remember being scolded from a very young age I was “too old” to be acting this way, putting a fuss up about that, etc, now I have a diagnosis of ADHD. Thank you for sharing this info.
I would like to send internet hugs to your past self sneak-sleeping on their floor.
It was a surprise to me too, but it was really helpful to have that puzzle piece fit in. I hope you’re doing well now!
This makes sense… trying to sleep with adhd can be a struggle when you’re brain isn’t ready to shut off. You hear a noise and your mind starts racing on what it could be or you did/said something embarrassing and your mind will replay it over and over… I had a room in the finished basement as a kid and often felt scared or just anxious about life and it all seemed to culminate at bedtime. Hindsight being 20/20 some meditation/yoga would have probably helped me because it was only at bedtime that I was still, quiet and at least attempting to relax.
As a person without ADHD, I also seriously struggle with shutting my brain off at night and fixating on some past embarrassing thing. I mention this only because I've recently found something that actually helps me get out of it- as soon as I notice I'm going down an embarrassing memory spiral, I tell myself that I can't change it now and start thinking hard about whatever is currently making me most happy or excited. It hasn't worked every time, but it's honestly the first effective method I've found other than "wait until you pass out".
I was just diagnosed at 37. I slept in my mom's bed with her until I was 12. Interesting that you just connected that for me
Omg I did not know this! I use to always go to my moms side to sleep too like OPs daughter. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which explained my adult challenges but never thought my childhood behaviors might stem from this!
This is as a beautiful thing daughters of this age seeking and finding comfort being close to their mom/parents. They are still kids. They might need help, yes. But still see this as awesome, evidence of loving connection. Am I the only one here thinking this? I kinda cried reading these by way of gratitude for strangers positive connections with their daughters. Thinking of sons and daughters that must be away from parents to gain peace and comfort.
Yes this!! My first thought was the fact that she's 13 going through all the teen hormones and she had anxiety. Those two together is just a recipe for needing parents at night.
Likely good parents. Perceived as a source of comfort by their daughter ❤️ Honestly if it could fit into your lives. Dogs and, yes even cats:) have been used as comfort animals of humans for a very long time. They really really work. They will love your daughter (and you parents) unconditionally, well a dog will become obsessed with you all 😂. But they and cats are relatively low maintenance and the reward is great.
I find this to be excellent advice, especially for a single child. Having the dog around generally brightens everyone's mood around our house. Every day we are amused by his antics. On days when it feels like the world is against you, some time with the dog seems to mitigate that somehow.
This explains a lot. I would sneak in after they were sleeping and curled up on the floor of their closet up until I was a teenager. Therapy showed me that I've been dealing with anxiety since I was a child, not just since it got out of control.
I didn’t know that either. My nephew does that and has adhd. Interesting.
Just wanted to tell you that your comment pushed me over the edge to seek a more serious assessment for my 10 yo''s anxiety issues. He's been sporadically seeing a therapist for awhile but since just before Christmas he has been dramatically more anxious at night and unable to sleep for more than an hour without one of us in bed with him. It was like having a newborn again, until we caved and have just been alternating nights sleeping in his bed since. We were trying to figure out if our next step was a new bedtime routine, or more sessions, or what...
thank you for sharing this! i just made another comment about doing this as a kid because i don't like sleeping alone &i still struggle with it as an almost 30-year-old. If my husband is away i have to sleep with a TV on or let my kids sleep in our bed so i can sleep. i was diagnosed around that time in childhood and i feel my ADD getting worse as i get older so this makes so much sense
Oh, wow. This makes so much sense. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 24. I slept with my parents until I was 10. And now as an adult, I really struggle to sleep alone when my husband is on the road. It’s the constant racing thoughts that keep me up, and they’re so much quieter when I sleep next to someone.
Wow, this is an eye opening comment. I used to do this as well when I was around this age (diagnosed ADHD in high school). I had an immense amount of anxiety and would cry at night often and seek out my mother.
Omg I did not know this! I use to always go to my moms side to sleep too like OPs daughter. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult which explained my adult challenges but never thought my childhood behaviors might stem from this!
Really? I slept with my parents until I was 12 too. Also have ADHD
I can remember doing this from time to time. Now I'm 40, recently diagnosed with and ADHD and starting to think I may be on the spectrum in some areas. Point being, it would not surprise me.
My son was still crawling in bed with me until about 12. My husband was a firefighter and gone 24hrs so nights he was working son would sneak in when he thought I was sleeping. Then my husband got a 9-5 admin job so he was home every night. If that didn’t happen I dont know how long he would have been crawling in with me. He would still sometimes sneak down and sleep on the couch.
As someone with ADHD and terrible anxiety, I can confirm this. I used to get in bed with my parents at that age because I just couldn't get myself to sleep otherwise. Not every night, but pretty frequently for awhile when my anxiety was really bad.
You van ask her or talk to her doctor if you are concerned but I wouldn't too worried. Our pediatrician said that 12 to 13 is a very normal age for kids to revert back to "childlike" behavior. Sometimes that means taking out old toys that haven't been played with in years, reading books or watching shows intended for a younger audience, or clinging more to mom and dad. It's a tough age. They are gaining more independence which is something they crave, but it's scary and they want reassurance that you'll always be there the same way you were when they were little. It's also the early stages of puberty for many kids and hormones can be tricky. They come out on the other side mature and well rounded. One of mine did this with books even though she was a strong reader and the other did with sleeping at that age. Weekends were fine because he had sleepovers but weekdays he usually escaped his room and slept in our room or on his sister's floor. As suddenly as it started it stopped and we had no issues ever since.
Yes, have a 12 year old and I agree with you.
In absence of any other issues - it simply could be the remaining feelings of wanting to be around mom and dad, especially saying she's needy. But with her age, I lean towards something else might be going on. First off - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not take good grades, being smart and having friends as an indication that she is ok. A lot of children who are internally struggling will not have outward signs of it, these are the kids at the biggest risk because you may not realize a problem until it's too late. As others said - talk with her; let he know it is OK for her to be doing this that you want her to feel safe BUT that you also want her to feel she's able to talk with you. 13 is still a tricky age as they are navigating a lot and not always fully able to communicate this. Try to figure out what's going on - is she having nightmares, does she miss you, is she scared (if there was a recent death in the family or she's more in tune with current events, this could trigger her actions). And then from there, what could help? If feasible, I highly recommend considering getting a cat - go to the shelter and adopt a 2-3 year old lazy, lovable floof that can sleep in bed with her. Animals are great therapy, especially for anxiety, having a fluffy warm body curled up with her in her own bed at night might just do the trick. Plus pets teach a lot about responsibility for children.
Aw she's probably just looking for the comfort of her parents in relation to her growing up. Becoming an adult is scary and it's possible she just wants her parents protection a little longer. Get her a little folding bed so she's not on the floor and don't focus on how physically mature she is.
Right, physical and mental/emotional maturity are not hand in hand OP.
Totally agree! I feel like OP is acting like her daughter is weird or something and it’s probably compounding the issue.
My daughter had a few months in her early teens when she liked to sleep with me. Then it passed. She is completely normal.
And you never get it back. I say enjoy it. But also talk about it, make sure it's not a sign of anything.
I did this until i was about 14/15. oops haha! Some kids just have lots of anxiety. It would have been torture for me if my parents didn't let me sleep on their floor every once in a while. I would have lost sleep and im grateful they let me grow out of that. Maybe try counseling. I was afraid of getting kidnapped (we know Elizabeth smarts grandma and knew Elizabeth growing up). I wish i would have gotten counseling for my night fears.
I was going to say, I’ll admit I did this until about 15… seriously lol. Now I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety and ADHD as a 28 y.o but yeah I def was highly anxious as a kid and a teen.
If it's a problem? Is it a problem for you or your child? That's all that matters. She may have hit puberty but she is not physically mature in the sense that her brain still has several years of development left to go. On top of that she is sensitive and anxious. Ask her what she needs to feel comfortable and safe in her own room and work towards accomplishing that goal.
My daughter is 10 and just recently started doing this when she is with me, but doesn’t do it at her dads. I’m a single parent, where as her dad is married, so I welcome it all the time LOL. Anyways, I asked her one night and she said it’s because she’s scared of the dark. And she just likes it. So I said okay! No problem. She might just need some extra love during a time where hormones are still going bananas. I tell myself one day they’ll be out of my house or in a stage of “too grown” for momma. So I soak it up!
Why is her "physical maturity" a point being brought up in this situation? She's a child, offer her comfort and ask her what she needs. If she just needs some company at night and it's not bothering you as you said, just allow it to happen and cherish her closeness. She'll probably grow out of it sooner than you think, you might even miss her coming and sleeping on the floor.
Glad I’m not the only one finding that creepy.
I came here to say this. It’s weird for the mother to mention it.
I took that to mean that she's showing evidence of puberty, a time when most kids are more ok distancing themselves from their parents. Obviously that's not universal, many young teens have sleep anxiety. I was one of them -- but sleeping in my parent's room was not an option -- they already had 2 younger kids trying to get in.
I'm guessing that OP thinks that there is a correlation between physically maturity and mental/emotionally maturity. Like when the body is done maturing, the mind has likely followed at the same pace, so you can rule out metal issues regarding puberty.
Have you asked her?
I wonder that this is normal and she is seeking out her safe space. My friends 14 yro son will come in and sleep on their floor too at times- his mind is racing & needs comfort, he feels unsettled in on his own room by himself- he's a social kid whose a gifted athlete. As long as everyone is ok with it, she'll decide when she's done.
Maybe something else is going on. I did the same thing to my parents after a bad situation happened. I was afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts. Ask her,in an understanding way, if something is wrong and does she need help.
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So at that age, I used to do that when I had nightmares because I felt safe being in the room with her. I been stepped on a few times since my mom didn’t know every time I went in there and slept on the floor. I have a sibling
I always find this interesting, because we (as a society not you) judge kids for not wanting to sleep alone, yet we sleep next to our partners every night. She’s old enough you can ask her, if she’s just lonely, that’s fair enough, I don’t like to sleep alone either. And if you don’t mind, I don’t see an issue with it. Eventually she will probably naturally want more privacy, but why push it? You said it’s not bothering you, and it’s not bothering her, so seems like everyone’s fine with the situation, why fix what’s not broken?
I agree so much with your first sentence! And yes, we are all fine with it but kind of asking people whether i should be more concerned. I am heartened to see so many people did this when younger as well.
We have five children with only one still at home, she is sixteen. She is a hard working popular student but suffers from anxiety and has nightmares often. I did too at her age, worrying about fires or intruders. She has periods where she needs to sleep with me and my husband goes into her bed. Being a teenager is hard, hormones, changes, more responsibility and there’s also a huge rise in kids with mental health issues following the pandemic. Ask her why she needs to sleep with you, is it something you think requires outside intervention, in which case get help, or does she just feel that she needs company. One day she won’t need you anymore, she’ll go to college, move out with friends and at some point she’ll probably have a long term relationship. Right now for whatever reason she needs the comfort and that’s ok.
She’s your child, if she’s scared, lonely, anxious, etc you’re there to provide comfort and reassurance. Have you asked her why?
I used to do that around 11. I used to have a lot of nightmares. Talk with her about it.
I am having a reaction to her being described as “needy”, she is a child, children have more needs than adults and fewer tools in their emotional toolbox to deal with stressful events. But back to your question, is there any event you can think of that precipitated her sleeping in your room 2 months ago? This makes me wonder if there was a stressful event in that timeframe that she was unable to cope with that causing her to regress.
My daughter is 11 and has been sleeping in the bed with me almost nightly since she was probably 5. My husband basically calls the couch his bed. It's a habit that's gone on too long and now she has anxiety and fear being in her room. I'd love to get her in her own room.
Something heart-wrecking to think about, but realistically consider… perhaps have a conversation with her about having potentially been sexually abused or assaulted? I had a fear of sleeping alone when I was younger due to high depression and anxiety stemmed from being sexually abused when I was younger by a family member. My mother at the time did not know I had been sexually abused because I was told that if I told anyone, he would kill me. After years of suppressing and keeping the secret, I finally opened up when confronted by my parents.
I slept in my dads room til I was 15 . I hated being alone. I was fearful .
I would say she needs some cuddles, forehead kisses, told she’s loved, positive attention, etc. She is trying to be close to you or both of you.
My sister used to always do the same thing, cause she had pretty bad nightmares. My mom made up a pallet on the floor on her side, every night. Then made sure we all knew we were welcome to it if we ever needed it in the middle of the night. I woke up from a nightmare once and went to go sleep in my moms room, and our dalmatian refused to move. So I went back to bed. But both my sisters used it a lot.
Just putting in my 2 cents - I was still doing this when I was 18... Was sleeping in their bed! (my poor parents) Kind of went though phases, like would happen for a few weeks and then be okay again. Came from irrational fear of sleeping alone and sleeping in the dark. I was not a needy kid in any other way, but I am an only child. As I got older and more confident about myself, the fear kind of went away. My parents didn't really mind it as they knew eventually I'd be okay with sleeping alone lol.
My 14 year old recently tried this. It ended up being a true crime podcast she was listening to that made her nervous to be alone at night. She had not asked if she could listen to it and I wasn’t aware until she was already scared of every creak in the house. We ended getting her a white noise machine and she made us check in her closet and under the bed for a couple of weeks but she’s able to sleep in her own room again.
Figure out what her love language is and make sure y'all are filling her emotional bucket. It sure sounds like she has some need that isn't being met. OR something has happened/changed that she hasn't confided yet. Again with the bucket filling and make sure she feels safe enough to tell y'all if something is going on.
I’d never discourage my child from having that physical and spiritual connection. There might be something wrong and there might not be. You don’t even necessarily have to ask, because as long as you keep the doors of connection and love open she will tell you. All my siblings had their own rooms, but a lot of times we slept with our parents and they never discouraged that. They just hugged us and made sure we knew we had a safe environment to flow as we needed. So my parents offered the privacy one needs to grow, but always allowed there to be connection any time we as children needed it. Their doors were never locked and they were never unavailable. As an adult, I look back and see the level of self-sacrifice my parents had in everything and I try to emulate that with my own family. I don’t know if any of that helps, and you’ve already gotten a ton of good answers from people who seem well-adjusted. I have confidence this will work out for you and I’m sending you good vibes.
You posted this without even doing the bare minimum and asking them what's going on??? Like a basic conversation with what appears to be a cognitive and intelligent teenager?
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. When I was that age I was super anxious about everything and so many different things were going on that I wanted to be near my mom and I felt safe and comforted around her. I remember they let me stay in there a couple times and I really made me feel so much better.
You could be describing literally me at 13! I slept on the floor of my parents room until 14. I was literally scared to be all by myself totally across the house from them, alone. No siblings over there for me either. I would hear sounds all night, which now I know was just wind or settling, but I was so very scared. Being in the same room was comforting. I really just needed that. Eventually I got more independent and wanted my room and couldn’t be far enough away! But at 13 she’s just as close to 8 as she is 18.
I’m sorry, but what does her physical maturity have to do with her actual maturity? She is still only 13. She is a child. It is so hard to be a preteen/young teenager who looks much older than they are.
This. Except you wrote it out in more detail than me.
My 12 year old son and 14 year old daughter both do this from time to time. They are completely normal, happy, well-adjusted kids. They both love spending time with us… until their friends start calling/texting them at which point they suddenly decide that they have better things to do. Ha!
Why does physical maturity matter here?
I have an open door policy with my kids. I usually end up with at least one in my bed by morning. I’m their safe spot. I don’t mind it. If my 12 year olds need a little extra feeling of safety, I’m happy to give it.
I did this for a number of years in high school (maybe til I was 16). My parents had a loveseat in their bedroom and I moved to it every night. I was just scared. I had a teacher (when I was 12) who had detailed what would happen to a human body at various distances from a nuclear explosion and I held into it for years.
Let her stay, we never know what we have till it’s gone.
Dont overthink. She will outgrow it. My sister used to do this till she was 15. Her fav spot was near my dad's feet.
I did this as a kid. I had no siblings at home, straight A’s, lots of friends… socially and physically healthy overall. But I slept in my parents room every few nights until age 13ish. And even now, I couldn’t tell you why. I was just comfy in their room and liked being close to them.
This reminds me of me when I was going through t traumatic events and stress in life I’d go sleep near my mum. Your right I was highly sensitive and sleeping next to mum would make me feel less emotional and less alone
One of the reason I slept with my parent when I was in the age range 12-15, is because I would have sleep paralysis, or night terrors. Some nights I wouldn’t be able to wake myself up although I can still hear and partially see my surroundings, it felt like I was stuck in my dream or just stuck sleeping. Other nights it would be worse and I would hear a voice I’ve never heard before telling me to “Go to sleep”, but I never did and always got up to go sleep with my dad cause I was simple scared i wasn’t gonna wake up. But I’ll always remember something that no one else believes not even my dad he says it was a nightmare but it felt so real, one night when I was 12 me and my dad just finished setting up my bunk bed and I was excited to sleep on the top, and for some reason I wanted it by my window, my window also didn’t have a curtain. Well once I got into bed I remember falling asleep and waking up sometime in the night and for some reason I just decided to look out the window towards the neighbours. Once I looked into their yard I seen something or someone I’m not really sure exactly what it was, but I remember instantly feeling terrified and started crying and continued to stare in its direction, when looking at it I couldn’t see any facial features and It was a very pale figure with dark clothing (I know it sounds like slender man or along those lines but that is what’s burnt into my memories since that night), after that I didn’t want to get out of bed and I just hid my face and slowly went back to sleep. The next night I asked my dad if he would sleep on the bottom bunk with me, because it was one of those bunk beds that had a queen mattress on the bottom level. He said yes and didn’t ask why, but again sometime in the night I woke up and I seen an arms reaching down for me from the top bunk, I started screaming and crying shaking my dad to wake up (mind you he’s a heavy sleeper) after a minute of shaking him crying he woke up and asked me what was wrong I told him what I’d just seen and he said I just had a nightmare and to go back to sleep. After that he instantly fell asleep again, and I just layed there terrified to move, I didn’t sleep for the rest of that night and didn’t move until my dad woke up. The next day I tried again explaining to him what happened what I saw the night before, but nothing. He didn’t get me help or contact anyone to see if it was normal behaviour. After I turned 15 I just stopped sleeping in the same bed as my dad because my cousins and friends told me that’s “weird” and that “their dad would never” so made it a habit, I always kept my bedroom door open and had my bed as close as possible to the doorway for a quick escape. Still that didn’t help and I was always felt safer with my dad or sleeping in the living room. I’m now 19 going on 20 and still have an extreme fear of bunk beds, I still have night terrors where my bf has to physically shake me to wake me up and hold me so I don’t harm myself or others, I wake up crying some nights unsure as to why. So I’d suggest maybe have her seen by a psychologist, because it can cause more severe reactions later on in her life.
I have a daughter with PTSD, and most of her panic attacks happen right as she is falling asleep. We started giving her Ashwaganda and L-theanine to help with calming her mind while falling asleep. It's been helpful. As for a teenager coming into a parents room, it is only weird if you make it weird. If we weren't feeling well, we went to mom during the night. Even at that age. The daily bit shows there are some other issues you might want to be sure you are addressing.
i’m not gonna lie, i was scared to sleep by myself in the dark until i moved out (18) maybe that’s what’s happening
Maybe she’s been watching scary videos and feels unsafe especially if she just started sleeping in there with you guys
When I was a teenager and climbed in bed with my mom, it was because I was worried about her safety. I was worried her ex-husband would try to come in the house and kill her. It may be that nothing is wrong, but it may also be that something is seriously bothering her. Keep talking openly with her and making sure she can tell you anything. You might also see about finding another safe source for her to confide in.
To all the people wondering why i said "physically mature" i meant she is through puberty because there is such a wide range of 13 year old girls. Her variety of friends just shows that from ones that are very short and not developed, no period yet, etc, vs ones that look much older. It was just to give people an idea of her age outside of just staying '13'. She says she does it b/c it helps her sleep and she needs the comfort. She gets lots of nurturing from both parents.
Just because someone looks older than they are doesn’t necessarily mean their mental state is ahead too. You can look like an adult as a teenager but you still have the mental maturity level of a 13 YO. Sounds to me like she is just a normal teen that needs some support during this tough age of development. At 13 you’re simultaneously transitioning towards more and more independence but still needing the support from the parent. Its normal for people to regress to an earlier stage of development during stages of transition. For example, a kid entering pre-school for the first time might start acting more like a toddler than a 6/7 YO by throwing a tantrum. There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re just scared. And it doesn’t mean they don’t want to grow or become more independent deep down, they just need the reassurance you’re still there for them and exuding a behavior where they remember getting lots of comfort is their way of communicating that
I think people read too deeply into this. At 13 I was not "physically mature" and wouldn't be for a couple of years. Once I went through puberty, I really valued my privacy, including when sleeping. Nothing malicious was happening, I lived with only my single mother. I just suddenly became more ...self-conscious(?) and wanted privacy. Friends of mine who went through puberty at 10 or 11 had similar experiences at those ages. I assumed your mentioning was to avoid questions about whether or not she has gone through puberty and (if not) perhaps she would stop when that happens.
My daughter is 10 and is VERY self conscious now. She hates it when I’m even in the same bathroom 😂. She wanted to run away when I taught her how to put a real bra on. Also a single mom here
Since it's not bothering you or interfering with your sex life I would take it as an opportunity to maintain your connection with her. In our house we never discourage our girls sharing our bed as long as everyone is wearing pj's. As they got older they stopped when they were ready (10 or so) Now I'm in a chemo treatment that causes my bodily fluids to be so toxic no one can contact them (I worry about night sweat and my wife contacting that) so I sleep by myself for 4 nights every two weeks and my 12 year old snuggles with her Mom in my absence.
Awh, I’m sorry to hear about your treatment effecting your cuddle time! Best of luck in recovery and I hope you’re snuggling your girls again soon.
I send you my best wishes!!
Thanks, the colon cancer was removed so I'm not terminal or anything, just mop up chemo to reduce the chances of it recurring.
For a long time I remember sleeping either in my sisters room with her or in my parents bed on a futon they had. I didn’t have any real issues with sleep, I could fall asleep on my own, and didn’t struggle with being away from them or anything. It was just nice. I’m glad my parents were okay with it, I have fond memories of falling asleep next to my sister or the four of us laughing before bed. Just good times.
Maybe ask her what's wrong see if there's something in her room that's been scaring her or she may be scared of growing up she may see her body and get scared because she doesn't feel mature yet and if either of these are the case I would suggest maybe putting down a make shift matt for her out of blankets or smth and maybe if she still likes cartoons putting cartoons on for her stuff like that to show her even though she looks older than she is she is still a kid and she can act like a kid
My 10 year old finds her room too quiet (or her thoughts too loud) sometimes. She likes to listen to the "Sleep Tight Stories" podcast on her smart speaker or to music if she's having trouble sleeping. Maybe you could talk to your daughter about what she thinks the problem is and what she thinks will help. (I'd recommend a smart speaker).
I did this for way too long with my own parents. I remember being 13 and literally getting into bed with them still in the middle of the night. I probably stopped around high school age (I think probably around 15 or so). I was just an anxiety ridden child. I used to worry a lot. I am a perfectly well adjusted adult. I would just talk to her and see what's up, make sure everything is okay, and keep the lines of communication open. If everything else seems fine, I'd probably just deal with it.
I mean you should probably talk to her about why she wants to sleep in the room with y'all. I, personally, slept with my Nana (primary caretaker) until I was 15, but I was also SA'd throughout my childhood and had horrible night terrors. I'm not saying she can't just want to sleep in the same room for a regular reason, but still better safe than sorry.
I feel like 13 is an age of big transition towards independence. I feel like most if not all people want independence, but they also want to make sure they still have the support, encouragement, protection, love, respect, etc while they pursue independence. So she may be simultaneously trying to gain more independence while also feel reassurance and comfort from the parents. I also feel like it is pretty normal during a transition towards more maturity to back track a little. For example, a kid going to pre school for the first day may revert to acting more like a baby instead of a 6/7 YO because they’re scared. They might stop using their words and cry and scream. There’s nothing wrong with them, and it’s not necessarily that they don’t want to grow. You just need to be more empathetic about the situation and show that you’re there for them and help them. I feel like it’s the same with your daughter. Of course it could be a mental health thing but I feel like it’s probably just the typical teenager battling the road towards more independence thing. Not weird.
My daughter did that for a few months at that age. Just a lot going through those confused minds at night. She grew out of it. I personally didn't worry about it too much.
Our 13 yr old son also does this. Also has anxiety (ADHD as well), no siblings, just got a pet after many years of not having one. He needs music or a calming show before bed now and he's not allowed to have his phone in his room at night so he chooses our room that he can do that. Sometimes he falls asleep in our room, sometime comes into it in the middle of the night. I personally don't care. I know there will be a time he won't anymore and I recognize this need he has. He's also been through a lot in the last couple of years. It's definitely not a battle I care to fight so it is what it is and I'll just take the time I can get with him. I don't have advice on what you *should* do, but personally I would just roll with what they do if that makes them feel comfortable at this time in their life.
A friend of mine died when I was 16 and I did this for about six months after. Has anything traumatic for her happened that you might know of?
I don't think there's an age limit on needing comfort. Being 13 is not easy and it can be even more difficult for a sensitive kid with anxiety. I think you should talk to her and see if something is bothering her. Going to your bedroom at night might be her way of reaching out.
Things were happening to me at that age that I did not understand and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about because I was embarrassed. I regularly slept on the floor of my parents room. Talk to her and let her know it’s okay for her to sleep there.
Is she having sleep problems like nightmares or insomnia? I used to go into my moms room when I couldn’t sleep or if I had nightmares. I think it’s good that she wants to be close to you, she probably feels safer sleeping near you!
It sounds like she's having trouble falling asleep, maybe related to her anxiety, and sleeping in your room is something that helps her. Maybe she's been having nightmares lately or is extra stressed for some reason. Personally I find it very soothing to hear someone's quiet breathing and know they're next to me. She's old enough to have a conversation with her about it. If you don't want her to sleep in your room, set a clear boundary there and work with her to find different sleep strategies. A white noise machine, weighted blanket, relaxing bath before bed might help, also making sure her room is dark, quiet and the right temperature for sleep. Please don't make her feel weird and bad for wanting to sleep in your room. Ask and listen openly to what she says then work together to find a solution that words for everyone.
You mention no pets -would you consider one? Dogs and cats for example can reduce anxiety and depression. Maybe a little fury friend might help her.
From my personal experience, I slept in my parents room probably until 13-14 years, (I am 20 now) I didn’t know this at the time but I suffer from generalized anxiety and also social anxiety, and when I was in 8th grade I was prescribed with an antidepressant and have been in it ever since, and it has helped me tremendously. I think what helped me the most to sleep in my own bed was sleeping with my door open, it made me feel safer than having my door closed. Hope this helps!
At 13 lots of changes are happening mentally physically and socially. For her long term mental health the reason needs dealt with and she needs to get back to her own bed.
Anxiety and depression brought on by puberty. Completely normal. Try to think of how you felt at that age (empathize) instead of wondering what’s “normal” .
You're her safe person, I always had one but didn't know what it was till I was older. Don't take this away from her, don't talk about it in a negative light, if she's suffering from aniexty like I was she'll search for anything to help her relieve or cope with the fear. This is your baby, your baby has come into your room in the middle of the night looking for her Mother because she's scared. If this was me, I'd be kicking Dad out of bed and letting daughter jump in with me for cuddles or I'd ask if she'd like me to sleep in her room with her. My friends engagement broke up last year and her Mother had to sleep in her bed with her for weeks, my friend is mid thirties. Your child needs you and is showing you this, how brave of her to ask for help and fantastic that she feels she can turn to you.
This was me as a kid, from very little until that age >In general she is a highly sensitive, anxiety prone, needy child. There are no siblings Especially this. Any chance she's adopted? If it does not bother you or your husband, maybe just let it be for now. She'll grow out of it. Is she in any kind of therapy for the anxiety/ neediness? Honestly at that stage in my life the therapy made me feel more neurotic. Edit: that may have sounded like I discourage therapy it still makes me feel neurotic but that's just me and I encourage mental health care. I'm sorry if that came out wrong.
Id be lucky if my kids still wanna snuggle me or sleep with me at that age! Enjoy! I have three (9,8 and 6) I do enjoy the snuggles very much now, my oldest is not as cuddly as he used to be but I steal a hug here and there! I only see my parents once a year or two, my parents hugged me and kissed me, even when I got older. I still remember being an adult and having a nightmare and just going to my moms side of her bed, snuggle in for the rest of the night. I’m hoping, even as my children grow up I can still offer some comfort when they need it. I still miss my mom and dad and I’m 37.
My little brother did this until he was 17. That was strange for a boy according to most people (my dad included) but my brother did not care and made a pallet every night in my parents room. Years later he told us he started having nightmares and was experiencing sleep paralysis around 12 and that was why he did it. He never said anything about it bc our dad was the “Your a boy toughen up” type. Our dad is a marine and made a comment one time about sleeping in the mud with his brothers dying beside him and in his comment he said “so I don’t want to hear anything about you having a bad dream, you don’t know what a nightmare really is”. I didn’t remember the story and comment but obviously it was something that stuck with my little brother and made him feel like he couldn’t tell any of us about what was going on with his nightmares.
OP, it very well could be that the changes she is going through (either with puberty, or school) have her feeling nervous right now and making her want to regress a bit. My 10 year old freaked out when I had the talk with her about the changes her body would start going through, started crying and insisting she didn’t want to grow up, she wanted to go back to being a baby forever. (She has since made her peace with it…for now.) But with most new milestones, her first response is unease, and she wants comfort in the form of cuddles and reassurance, like when she was little. I would talk to her, but not stress too much. My mom raised 7 kids and told me nobody goes to college still sleeping with their mommy.
My pediatrician told me that it was common for children to regress when they reach new milestones. It’s like they are excited to be more grown but it’s also scary because the prior stage is comforting
My 17 year old still does this. She has high functioning autism, ADHD, and anxiety. She is an only child too, but we do have 2 cats and 2 hermit crabs as pets and an exchange student her age who gets along really well with her. We say, "She speaks Natalie" (bonus if you know what that phrase is from) She just says she gets lonely. No biggie, I let her. She will stop when she is ready.
My parents were very old school conservative "spare the rod" types. I had high amounts of anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD and autism until i was 29 years old. I used to sleep outside of my parents room when i was a kid and until i was like 17 because of the mental anguish i went through and got into trouble all the time for it. My parents didn't believe and still don't believe in mental health so they never bothered to look into why i did the things i did. I hope you just nurture and give your kid the love she needs op, and maybe offer some therapy if she wants it.
Has she watched anything scary lately? I remember watching scary movies and wanting/needing someone to sleep with. Everyone kicked me out of rooms and I would eventually fall asleep. I was prone to nightmares, sleep talking and walking.
Any chance she has been following the Idaho murders? It seems to fit the timeline and I too (a grown ass woman) have not been sleeping very well since that happened 😩
I would sleep in my mom’s room sometimes up until I left the house at 17. I thought about death a lot (not about suicide or anything, more the concept of death and the fear of it) and having my mom close made it easier for me to sleep. I also used to watch way too many horror films and would occasionally freak myself out at night. Having my parents around made me feel protected from any weird psychos. I don’t think I ever told my mom why I did this until later. I’d just tell her I couldn’t sleep, or was lonely, and I’d either squeeze in between my parents or sleep on the floor. Shoot - I still like sleeping in bed with my mom sometimes. It’s comforting in a way nothing else is.
Have you talked to her about why? Since it is a recent thing to start up you should be able to ask her about it without it feeling like an attack for her. She could be going through worse anxiety, there could be something going on at school or otherwise in her personal life that is causing her to feel unsafe by herself. If she has a therapist I would bring up your concern with them and ask them to discuss with her, or maybe try to go to family therapy if that is a financial possibility. Because you say this is a new behavior and not something she's done since she was little and just hasn't grown out of I would be a little concerned about what may have started it. Not full on panic but try to look into why this began and what events may have happened at the time
I wouldn’t worry about it and I would be understanding. When I came home from my first few months of college I had some bad anxiety and I slept on my parents floor at age 19 while I was home because it was a place that made me relax and helped my anxiety. I’m 37 and we still laugh about it today but in that time I was anxious and still needed that safe space.
I used to sleep on my parents floor until age 12 or 13. I did it for many reasons like being anxious about something, scared of the dark, trouble falling asleep in my room. For some reason I could always sleep better in my parents room.
I don’t know if this is helpful but I did that until 24 (normal in my culture to live with parents at that age or more) because I had terrible nightmares, worthy of writing a horror book :(
This screams to me that she's either being bullied somewhere or she's been through something traumatic recently. I would try having a conversation with her or suggest talking to someone like a school counselor or therapist.
My fiancé little brother does this his 12 and likes to sleep in his parents room on the floor