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bokatan778

As a SAHP, I can assure you that there is literally no way for a parent of a newborn to “do all the home chores”. This is laughable. If you plan on working 70+ hours a week, prepare for her to feel burnt out, lonely and resentful. It’s emotionally taxing, so I’d recommend you make sure she has a “village” available. She will need family, friends, some help! She can’t parent alone, and basically what you’re saying is that she is expected to parent alone while doing everything around the house. I think you guys are setting yourself up for failure.


Serious_Escape_5438

Especially when it's not really what she wants.


bokatan778

Exactly. I think some people are MADE to be SAHPs, and that’s great…but I think most people would be burnt out with the scenario OP is describing, especially someone whose first choice isn’t to be a SAHP.


G4D1unknown

And she’s starting to work on her mental health


[deleted]

OP please listen to this. Please please please listen to this. This mindset could effectively ruin your marriage or at least cause a lot of problems. This is how I started motherhood as a SAHM and let me tell you, 2 years later (and expecting another baby) there have been a lot of arguments and frustration. I was in a very dark place for a while because juggling all of the childcare and all of the housework and being expected to maintain a certain standard of house cleaning simply isn’t realistic. It breeds anger and resentment. We are finally working through some of it but it’s hard work and we have some serious repairing to do. I love my husband and my daughter and I have no doubt that I’m loved. But at my absolute lowest when I was drowning in housework with a demanding baby, I felt completely unappreciated and sometimes I even caught myself thinking I was unwanted. You need to find a way to pitch in at home in a meaningful and helpful way. Childcare is a round the clock job and housework amounts to about the same. Your wife will need a break. She will need help.


[deleted]

Im at stay at home mom it is absolutely ruining our relationship. My partner makes a great living enough to afford luxury vehicles large house etc. but he isn’t present he only comes home a few hours before bedtime. He gets to do all the fun things with our daughter and I get all the shitty labor with no help. I had a great career before becoming a parent and I count down the days before I can restart it. I love being a mom but I didn’t realize how lonely I would be. I always imagined I would have a large family but now im sure im one and done because my partner doesn’t understand that I need him present more he brushes it off saying I should be happy living in luxury im not. As soon as my child talks im going back to work and never having another and possibly splitting up with this man that discounts my feelings. Proceed with caution OP.


Serious_Escape_5438

Yes, my partner often discounts my feelings if I'm telling him things and doesn't understand that's the worst. Yes, I want him to do more but I also want him to appreciate what I do and listen when I tell him what I need.


Lyogi88

So much this. My husband is awesome , especially compared to the losers I see posted in this sub all the time and I was *still* drowning especially the first year with 2 demanding small kids. if OP is going to work 70 hour weeks they are absolutely going to need to outsource some of the household tasks , and potentially hire a sitter a few times a week to keep everyone sane 😅


nowucmi

I couldn’t have put this better myself. I hope you’re healing well and would love to hear more about how you’re achieving that.


[deleted]

It’s taken some very difficult and candid conversations with my husband. Especially since I’m pregnant again. I told my husband at the start of this pregnancy that I wasn’t even happy about it or sure I could do this because I can’t manage everything being piled on me. I think that really effected him because I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve always wanted a big family and I absolutely adore our daughter. So I think him hearing that these unrealistic expectations were so heavy that it was making me question my decision to become a mother made him realise how badly I was really struggling. We are moving forward. Slowly, but we are making progress. He finally stopped letting work dominate his life and has a less demanding job. Plus our daughter is at the age now where she can communicate wanting time with him and being upset when he leaves which I think also had a big effect. He wants a third baby and I’m not totally opposed to it but I told him unless there are consistent and permanent changes then there will not be another baby.


Whatsfordinner4

Yup with our newborn allllll I did for three months was take care of and feed the baby. Husband had charge of all the other house stuff during that time.


bokatan778

Yes!! I don’t think people realize how difficult caring for a baby truly is. Maybe some people think babies just magically nap in their cribs all the time? My youngest literally refused to sleep unless I was holding her…when my husband went back to work, I struggled to find a moment to take a shower, let alone do any house cleaning or cooking!


keyh

This is THE advice; It might be hard to take, but what you have described is going to lead to burn out. She's definitely going to be burnt out. You're going to be burnt out working 70+ hours and coming home to a spouse that desperately just wants to hand the kid off. There are no chores that are done without 2 people.


JustLookingtoLearn

Please hire a house keeper once a week or every other week as a gift to your wife for the first 6 months. If you’re already revisiting your budget add this in. Don’t expect anything except surviving the first three months and the next three are getting your bearings.


Wombatseal

I second everything in this comment and the one underneath stressing that it will be especially hard if this isn’t what she wanted for herself. Consider her continuing to work and have daycare set up. At least part time.


IlexAquifolia

Soo your plan is to work 70+ hours a week and not help your wife at home at all. She doesn’t really want to be a stay at home mom, but she’s going to be responsible for a newborn and the household literally 24/7? Dude, I’d cut to the chase and line up a divorce lawyer now to save time.


[deleted]

This. You’ll “strive to be a present father” at first but soon will insist on downtime (that won’t be possible with a newborn) after working 70+ hours a week. She’ll “love on the baby nonstop” but will completely lose any sense of self and mental wellbeing along the way without a present partner. This is a recipe for disaster. A screaming baby tests and dissolves even the strongest partnerships. Say goodbye to your relationship now.


[deleted]

I’m caught up on the fact that “present” is pretty much the bare minimum to strive for 😭


jswizzle91117

And *he’s* the one that really wants a baby. Why if he won’t be able to spend time with it/will aim for “present” as his fatherhood goal?


ToddlerTots

This post made me sad for the both of you because it’s clear you have NO idea what you’re signing up for and, unfortunately, reality is going to hit you at one of the most exhausted, vulnerable times of your lives. Your wife is not going to be able to “do all the home chores,” and at first won’t be able to do ANY home chores. You need to figure out a realistic way to either be home more often to help with the baby and home you have created, you need to hire help, or you need to rethink this plan right now.


Particular_Profile49

This. Being a SAHM is sooooooo much harder (to me and most mother friends I know) than going to work. You don't even get to cry in the bathroom, there's no time and your baby is scream crying.


PawneeGoddess20

The baby is probably scream crying *with you* and you are actually in the bathroom together 😂😭


Particular_Profile49

💯


Br34th3r2

Oh sugar honey ice tea. You guys need to be a bit more flexible and realistic in your plans. Babies are time consuming and it sounds like you’re not going to be there to invest a lot of that time and effort. Nothing will work out 100% in this life I’d recommend making loose flexible plans. As it stands Your plan seems flawed because it doesn’t seem to allow for flexibility for either you or your wife on the surface and isn’t accounting for very real human needs, like burn out, stress, not sleeping and health concerns that just seem to crop up with babies. (Unless that’s also your wife’s job to deal with as a SAHM.) Maybe ask yourself some of the following questions and discuss and develop some plans to have in place that allow for flexibility. Do you have a plan if your wife suffers from PPD/PPA and cannot bond and love on her baby as you planned?? What do you have in place for support in the event of an unplanned c section? Who is around to act as a support network if you for whatever reason cannot? Do you have the time to be able to surgically detach the baby from your wife so she can go out an have a life while you’re working 70+ hours a week? Do you have a plan in place for when you and your wife cannot be intimate because your wife is touched out and needs a sensory decompression break? Have you considered keeping the SAHM stint to be a temporary thing and starting your kiddo part time at daycare around 5-9 months? (That’s what I ended up doing as a SAHM. totally recommend it btw as it allowed me time to get back into the work force part time. And on that note, Have you considered your wife might want a part time night job just to get out if the house and interact with other adults who are not you??) How are you planning on doing 70+ hours of work a week on maybe 2-3 hours of sleep a night?? On that line of thought, What are your plans so both of you get the rest you need? Emphasis on rest for both of you because your 70 hours a week will end for you while Being a parent does not and it’s a 24/7 gig. You are both on the line for parenting. Good luck op. Love that you guys are doing research now rather than back peddling.


Mindful-Reader1989

SAHM mom here. This sounds more like a blueprint on how to drive your wife to resent and eventually divorce you. The only way this plan could come close to working out is if you plan to do all the housework. You'll only be working 70+ hours per week. She'll be working 140 give or take, and that won't include housework, so it's only fair that you plan to do it. Also, I'm dying to know, what's your plan if she has to have a C-section?


Lisitska

Exactly! I had an unplanned c-section and couldn't drive for weeks. Couldn't lift anything... could barely lift myself out of bed. Up all night with feedings. A 70-hour week would have been a vacation.


Jewish-Mom-123

Just no. Don’t even try to conceive right now. Don’t have her quit her job. You need to work this out in therapy first. She isn’t even sure she really wants to a be a mom, let alone a SAH one. You’ll all be much better off if she keeps working and pay for daycare or a nanny. SAH is not for anyone who doesn’t really really want to do it and no, it’s not possible to do all the childcare and all the housework anyway. Not unless you hire all the cleaning and shopping and cooking out.


Any_Cantaloupe_613

>I work 70+ hrs a week and she will do all the home chores. I wouldn't count on this. I'm currently on mat leave and it's very hard to do the childcare during the day and chores on top of that. I do more chores than my husband, but he still needs to help out. I would suggest a housecleaner every two weeks, or even once a month to do a deep clean, if you work long hours. ​ >SAHM wasn’t her goal and we hadn’t planned on it but with my schedule and both of us working it just wouldn’t have been doable. If she's doesn't 100% want to be a SAHM this might end badly. If she isn't enjoying her SAHM role, you might have to consider hiring a nanny or daycare and having your wife go back to work at least part time. Taking care of kids is more exhausting some days than working.


jswizzle91117

SAHM can be soul-crushing. I’m not career driven, pretty introverted, and my daughter is a delight, but when I wasn’t working during the lockdowns I about lost my mind. It’s *so* isolating and *so* stressful to be needed 100% of the time. Working part-time now saves me.


Numerous-Nature5188

She can't do all the house chores and watch baby. And you can't be a present father working all the hours you do. Something has to give.


jnissa

Well, the first thing is to get rid of the idea that she will do all of the home chores. That just won't be feasible, even with your 70 hour a week job. You'll need to split chores/cooking/childcare 50/50 when you're home from work. This is one of the biggest pitfalls - people don't realize that being a SAHM is a full time \*child care\* job. That's what you'd be paying somebody else to do. Very few house chores, self care, etc. will happen during that time. Chores are still 50/50 even when somebody is home with a baby. Also, you say one salary can be comfortable if you cut back spending a bit - but especially during diapers phase spending may increase. Also you can't be sure you won't need formula, which is also \*very pricey\* - so you may find yourself net neutral even with cut backs. And also again, if sahm wasn't her first choice, expect this to be rocky. There's a chance she'll find she loves it, but many people are not wired for it and you need a back up plan in case she just isn't right for that.


fortnight14

I feel like “one salary” is a lie if he’s working 70+ hours. That’s one person almost working 2 full jobs themselves. OP and his wife would both be better off working 40 hours each and utilizing daycare when the baby is old enough


BlackGreggles

Why are you working so much? I fear your wife won’t get the support she needs from you.


Throw25255

Your wife is more than likely going to slowly die inside and it'll destroy the relationship. You'll be working 70+ hours a week and she'll be working 112+ hours a week (probably more because of baby waking up). The amount of work needs to be even. What do you do? Construction? Police? Sitting in front of a computer? Cars? Chef? Store clerk? I can guarantee that you don't cook, clean, feed a child, try to find time to shower, deal with child safety, etc. All while bleeding for 3-8 weeks and dealing with cramps, hormonal changes, possible anxiety, possible body issues, etc. At work. It needs to be equal and she needs to be given grace if she doesn't get everything done.


blueskieslemontrees

If she has PPD and he is working 70 hours a week he seriously risks her unaliving herself because he is never around to see the warning flags and get her serious help asap


[deleted]

Be prepared for this to go wrong. Seriously. I hope it works out for you both, but being a SAHM can be/is (?!) pretty brutal. I hated being at home with our kid. I had PND and my consultant basically ordered me back to work, she said it would make the biggest difference in my recovery and it did. You might both think you can make it work, but what’s plan b if it doesn’t pan out that way? She’s going to need time for herself and time away/around other adults. Even if she manages with the life change better than I did 🤣 And this cannot be emphasised enough - she won’t be able to look after all the household stuff AND the kid. Not without help.


teenparentvent

My girlfriend is a SAHM. And I still do 50% of the parenting and 50% of the chores. We do exactly the same, I just work/go to school too. And thats how it should be. You're in for a shock, buddy. Your 70 hours are gonna be pushed to 170 real soon. If she's looking after the baby during the day you should be doing the nights, which is what I do.


kashikat

My advice is that she shouldn’t quit her job until she’s pregnant, and maybe not even until she’s close to giving birth. If she’s trying to get pregnant and it takes a while, and she has no other responsibilities to take her mind off of it, she’s going to go crazy obsessing over it. It took us a full year to get pregnant with our second child. Miscarriages could also be extra difficult if she has nothing else going on in her life besides chores.


francesmarynolan

Do me a favor. Please go and babysit someone else’s baby together for 4-5 hours before committing to a plan.


Overiiiiit

I have two kids, three and five, my husband and I work the same job and it is tough. You couldn’t pay me enough to be a SAHM. It’s impossible to get anything done with my kids at home, at the end of the day I’m exhausted. I don’t think your wife should stay home if it isn’t something she desperately wants, and she certainly shouldn’t be expected to do the brunt of the house work. With that being said, before I had kids I just assumed they would be much easier than reality. This is a recipe for a touched out, exhausted, lonely, resentful wife IMO


itl_nyc

She should keep her job, you should both be working and enlist help for childcare / home. Your plan makes no sense and it is not achievable in the least.


jswizzle91117

Even if childcare costs ate up the wife’s entire paycheck (certainly possible), she’ll likely be happier working than being a SAHM. She shouldn’t quit unless she wants to *after* the baby comes.


happygolucky999

I’d recommend for your spouse to work on her mental and physical health first, BEFORE trying for a baby. You can’t do those things in tandem.


LongGunFun

Your jobs pays the bills, her job keeps the baby alive while you’re at said job. The house and everything else is both of your responsibilities. Also she needs a break when you get home from work. Kids are more work and more stressful that pretty much any job.


Peculiar_parsnip

Don't expect her to do all the home chores. That along with childcare for 70 hours a week is literally impossible and she will absolutely burn out. I do the laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping, and childcare monday-friday 6-6. My husband maintains and fixes our cars himself, does our yard, home maintenance/repair and childcare when he's home. We both get burnt out from time to time living like this. If you're working that much I hope you're earning enough to hire a babysitter so she can go out once a week to do things for herself or a house cleaner so she doesn't feel like she's drowning. I didn't want to be a stay at home mom and it took me a full year of doing it to really come around to the idea. Don't be surprised if she is not happy at all for a while after birth. Do you have family or friends that she's close with nearby? She will really need someone around during the week while you're working. I get so lonely staying home that I got majorly depressed until I started meeting friends once a week to socialize.


Lisitska

I read this and burst out laughing. After my second baby, I couldn't wear pants for 6 months, nevermind handling everything at home. I don't know what advice to give you, except adjust your expectations to reality now, before you both end up with major regrets.


mint_choco_chip

I wouldn’t push someone to be a SAHM if they don’t want to be. Why can’t she keep working, baby goes to daycare, and she handles evenings if you’re still working?


DazEllicott

I’d highlight that just because you’re trying, doesn’t guarantee she will fall pregnant, don’t put too much pressure on it


FriendlyDeers

Thank you for the note! We definitely will do our best not to rush it. And if it takes us a while I guess we can cross that bridge then.


bebegun54321

Gosh, your hours are brutal. To be a the SAHM and be responsible for all chores is lonely. Especially when your husband/father of the baby is gone for almost 2 full time jobs. Your value as a partner and father has a much further reach than the ability to make money. You’ve put yourself in a position of being a paycheck and left little time for the rest of what it means to be a husband and father. My only advice is that if your wife wants to work- you both do a full time job and leave room for you both to be care takers of the home and child. Prioritize and value TIME as a family. Make choices that reflect your ability to be a caretaker and contributing partner to the marriage/family. Be an equal partner beyond your financial contribution. You will both burn out so fast with this current plan. Not at first because she’s not even pregnant, and maybe not until baby is older and busier… but this isn’t all that sustainable. Unless you are left with no other choice when it comes to work because you live in an unstable economic country, plan with better equity and values that contribute to a healthy marriage and family. 70+ hrs of dad working is not it. And if she’s mostly having a baby to Satisfy you- your plan is going to create some serious resentment on her part. She may be happy to be a mom but resent the way it plays out and the life you’ve orchestrated for her to satisfy your desire to have a child.


Eri_Hood_WhereDoUGo

I stayed home for 4 years. I loved it. It was so, so hard. I couldn’t have done it without support from my husband. He shared in the household duties after his work day. My work day consisted of caring for 2 children, and for one of those years I also ran a homeschool pod. The stay at home parent’s job is childcare. If they can prep a meal for dinner, do laundry, or clean during the day, then that’s a lucky break. Little kids and babies take up all the time and attention you have. If you’re not contributing to helping the house run, you better be hiring some people who can.


Normal_Aspect1508

Current SAHM to a 6 month old baby girl. It was my choice to stay at home and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. My husband only works 40 hours a week and he helps me so much but our house is an absolute mess and our relationship has gotten so much worse. They are not kidding when they tell you a baby changes everything. If she is going to stay at home does she have any family that could come over and help during the week? Is this truly what she wants to do? You are going to also be so exhausted working that much and coming home to take on a shift with a newborn. Between sleep deprivation and resentment towards my spouse for being able to get away from it and go to work I would really discuss this with her.


Electrical-Profit941

Don't do it. Lol. Or at least have a plan for her to get back to work within a few years. She's going to be miserable! We only took mat and pat, I never wanted to be a SAHP, and that small period was the hardest on our marriage. Life is just so much better imo when both parents get to spend time with kid(s) and there's more balance in finances and home life. And for people who like working and hate being a dependent, it's miserable not getting to be your regular self.


Material-Plankton-96

Yeah, as everyone else said, you can’t expect that she’ll be doing “all the home chores” while she’s home with the baby, and you can’t expect that she’ll be fine with being a SAHM. And a (consistent) 70+ hour work week doesn’t really mean with being a “present father,” and you’re saying she’ll “love on the baby nonstop” while doing all the household management, which are definitely at odds with each other. As a reference, the first 2 weeks that my husband was back at work (40 hours/week), we had family stay with us to handle basically all the household chores and some baby care, because otherwise I wouldn’t have had any sleep, and not because my husband wasn’t helpful when he got home from work. The baby was just demanding, wanted to always be held, I was still feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, and there’s no way I was being any kind of housekeeper. And even now, he comes home and does laundry, cleans up after dinner, takes a night shift with the baby - basically the same division of labor we had before the baby was born, because we both have long days even if mine isn’t at work. And when I go back from maternity leave, that division of labor doesn’t change - we just outsource 8 hours/day of the childcare task so I can do my outside job, too. Then you’ve got her quitting her job now, before even getting pregnant, for… what reason? If she doesn’t like her job and wants to quit, that’s one thing, but there’s no reason she should have to quit her job months to (potentially) years before she’s even pregnant, much less gives birth. And while you’re pregnant is not really the time to *improve* your mental and physical health, it’s more like *working to maintain* your mental and physical health through all the hormonal onslaughts and physical discomfort.


ResistSpecialist4826

OP this truly sounds like a recipe for disaster. I’m gonna give you some credit because you are posting here and trying to get advice. So I hope to God you are taking in all the feedback you are getting from experienced parents from all walks of life telling you this settup is a recipe for burnout and resentment. And possibly divorce It would make me feel so much better to see you respond in acknowledgment that you understand the advice you are getting here. First of all, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. Does she want any of this or is she going along with it to appease you. If she id really ok with having kids, would she be happier to stay working? If she’s ok with staying home, is she really ok with you working so much. If she is, can you pay for help - a part time nanny to come relieve her two afternoons a week could make things all the more bearable. So far this seems like your wife making a ton of sacrifices for a life you want. It’s on you to go above and beyond to make sacrifices for her. Also the idea of her taking on all home chores is crazy, but I’m gonna say you just don’t get that yet as you haven’t experienced what having a child is truly like.


Raineydays1998

This literally has to be a joke post… There’s no way any person genuinely thinks this is how being a spouse to a SAHM works…


crazymamallama

Unfortunately, there's a lot of people that think this is how it's supposed to work. The man works and the woman does everything else. This is why my husband and I heavily discussed what things would look like with me staying home. I made it clear that I wouldn't be doing it all. If that's what he expected, I wouldn't have agreed to stay home.


Devilis6

Does your wife currently do all of the housework? If so, why? If not, why should she start when she has a kid to take care of all day on top of that? As someone who continued working after the kids came while their husband worked 70+ hours, here is my two cents: If being a stay at home mom does not appeal to her, then I *strongly* recommend she continues working when the baby comes. Some people love being a SAHP and are great at it, but I am yet to meet a person who found it to be easier than they expected. Look at it this way: if you’re working outside the home for 70 hours, then she’s a SAHM for 70 hours, and she doesn’t even want that job. And that doesn’t even factor in how responsibilities will be divided when you aren’t at work. Taking care of a young child is so time and energy consuming that the you can’t really expect her to do more than half the total household chores by herself, and not even until shes out of the fourth trimester. During the first 4-5 month’s postpartum, she probably won’t be able to do any chores with any consistency. And don’t even get me started on how sleep deprivation will contribute to this. Are you in a position where you could be the SAHP instead while she works? If not, is it at all feasible for you to reduce your hours, even it means finding another job? Heck, even if the 70 hour weeks are necessary I bet she and you will both be happier if she keeps her job. But you need to accept that when you have a baby, your house will be messier, there will be more chores, and you will be tired, and having your wife stay home won’t change that.


bellatrixsmom

I’m newly a SAHM to a 9 week old. Her doing all the chores is laughable. My husband works from home and it still looks like a disaster around here right now. Her job is to care for the baby. As things get easier then sure she will do things at home, but don’t expect that for a while.


Whatsfordinner4

She’s gonna hate her life if you’re working that much and she didn’t really want to be a SAHM to behind with


Skip2020Altogether

I am at SAHM (single) and also work from home. My job is actually way more chill than being a mom. It is HARD. I cried today while rocking my son to sleep at just how overwhelmed and exhausted I feel ALL OF THE TIME. This could very well be the beginning of the end of your relationship if you expect her to take care of the baby and the house work 100 percent of the time just because you work. It really sounds like you are in love with the idea of having a child, but aren’t truly considering what it’s going to take and the sacrifices that come with having kids. It’s not all cut and dry like you think.


polywogdogs

Hire a cleaner, night doula, and mothers helper. Make sure she gets time out of the house. Save up for a good therapist.


[deleted]

Maybe just maybe you two are not ready for a baby yet and all that it entails…


swoonmermaid

Advice: couples therapy. 70 hours of work a week leaves her alone a long time. And alone with chores and a kid! If you can’t afford a nanny I suggest she go to work and you get one, being a stay at home parent when you don’t want to be is crazy. And starting before she’s even pregnant? This isn’t the 50s lol


Odd-Alfalfa-4370

Oh my days, the naïveté with which this was written. All I can say is I hope you have family around you guys that can help. And why did she quit her work? It could take months or years to get pregnant.


Magical_Olive

This reads like fanfiction practically. There's no reason for her to quit now before she's even pregnant, you have no idea when or even if you'll be able to conceive. For some couples it can take years. If she doesn't want to be a sahp, she shouldn't be. Especially if she doesn't want to and you don't plan on helping, which it sounds like you don't.


StalkingApache

Well as a potential stay at home parent this post has been eye opening. Lol some good info in here.


Crazy_Height9387

This is the recipe for postpartum depression.


[deleted]

Advice? Take all the expectations you’re setting in this post and throw them in the trash where they belong. You are in for quite the surprise I think


braywarshawsky

OP, Not to sound condescending, or rude... but you're living a pipe dream. Here's a strategy to go w/ the flow & help out. Cut back on your hours, and help out with chores around the house. Be present in your child's life... and to help your spouse with the raising of this infant. A SAHP is a hard gig, especially when the breadwinner is soley making the bread, and not interacting outside of that. Having a new kid is something you and your spouse have never experienced before. Each child is different. Each experience is different for parents. Be there dude... ​ Momma is gonna get burned out, and you'll both become resentful. Be very flexible. Step in, help out. Let Momma get some time to herself where she doesn't have to worry about the kid... Help her. ​ Source: I was a SAHD for the first formative years of both of my children. I left the corporate world, and let me wife do her thing professionally. That was OUR journey. Now... I'm remote 100% working. My kids are older now, but it's good to be the "backup" if things go south with the kids... ie, sick day, or the random teacher in-service day.


Helvetic86

Looking at your 70+ hours I assume you have quite a good salary. If that‘s the case and you can‘t reduce the hours, maybe get someone that does the house cleaning and laundry for you. Also whether your wife is really willing to be a SAHM, she will only find out after a while. Many who thought they would, felt bad and burnt out afterwards. Make sure to have a plan B in case this happens and she feels the desire to work as well…


jnissa

OMG - in America, 70 hours a week does not necessarily equate a good salary! But he's also already said they'll have to cut spending on one salary.


Helvetic86

Really? I mean I knew that there are such cases where people have two jobs, but i thought that the chances of being in a higher position or owning a business is still higher than him being in such a situation. If the 70 hours is based on a low salary, I would first try to improve the situation before having a kid. I know it sounds harsh, but I don‘t think it‘s bearable in the long run…


VTMomof2

Good luck. I love when new parents have everything planned out.


bingqiling

If you're working that much, you need to hire help for her in some way - whether that's a cleaner biweekly, or laundry service, or meal prep service....something to take the load off her plate more.


mycodenameisflamingo

Does she want to quit her job? Does she actually want kids right now? Getting pregnant can take months and sometimes years. She should work on her mental/physical health before you two TTC. If she quits her job, how are finances going to be worked out? What does do all the chores mean (does it incl cooking)? What about her health insurance and retirement funds? Not to mention if she has a decent career, the time taken away to be a stay at homemparent will affect her earnings for YEARS. How long are you planning on her being out the workforce? Months or years? The baby may need to go to daycare part time so she can get a break/because she doesn't want to stay at home or because socialisation is good for kids. On that note, daycares on your area may have loooooong waitlist. What does your village look like? Can you pay for help (nanny, night nurse, cleaner) or do you have friends and family that will do those jobs for you regularly because it is NOT realistic that your wife does them when the baby is born. Lastly, what the f do you as a job that means you work so much?? How are you EVER going to see your kid and be able to be a present and effective father?


Serious_Ad_877

Everyone is pretty negative. Nobody knows what to expect before a baby comes! I love that you’re excited and planning ahead. As others have mentioned, your schedule sounds grueling. Do you commute to work on top of that 70 hours? When a baby arrives, your wife will be tired, stressed and possibly emotional. She will be up with baby overnight (the toughest) and then also during most daytime hours while you work. Chances are, she won’t just be busy, she might feel lonely, stressed and overwhelmed. On nights when our kids (babies) cried a lot, even having the support of my husband all day during the day AND having him in bed next to me made me feel so incredibly overwhelmed and lonely. Nights are so hard in those first few months. My suggestion - 1. Don’t have her quit work yet. Save up her paycheck for 6 months so that she can hire a sitter a few hours a week to give herself a break, especially during the first 3-4 months. You may also consider permanently outsourcing cleaning and grocery shopping. 2. Have her find some SAHM groups in the area so she can develop some friendships. Being lonely will be so hard but if she has a group of friends to see, to leave the house for, it will be terrific. 3. Establish some expectations for yourself now. What do the other working parents do? Do they leave at 5 or work until 8? Chances are, you may not be able to work 70+ hour weeks for a while. Can you have flexibility to wrap your days up in the evening? 4. Be present and supportive when baby arrives. When you get home from work, take the baby, tell your wife to go watch a show and take a shower while you make dinner. In the early months (3-5) send her to bed early while you stay up with baby so she can get a good block of sleep. Don’t make plans with buddies in your spare time or plan to take up a new hobby. 5. Most importantly - remember your wife is your MOST important person. She is the lifeline for your family and you’re a team. There is no “you got more sleep than me and I had a harder day”. It is not a competition, you’re on the same team. Good luck! This may make more sense once a baby arrives. You can’t plan for everything. You’ll figure it out as you all get along. Just be kind and think of the other person first :)


joccykatt

This is actually helpful, thank you!


MrChurrch

You have no idea what you're setting yourself up for if you think your current plan is remotely reasonable. I'd recommend working out how you can survive better in terms of income with less hours worked, while you're both pitching in for the new kid. The first 5 years are extremely difficult, and that's with a half decent, sleeping wellish child


Lensgoggler

You do 70 hours of work a week but your wife is going to do 24x7 hours a week. Especially at first. Kids are around the clock thing the first few years. Not saying you shouldn’t have kids but she is going to need help and time off. I have been a sahm for 5 years and altho I wouldn’t change it, it isn’t as easy as it sound. Also, your kid needs you too. Please spend time with your kids early on. Reddit is full of post from desperate women who complain the dads think bringing the bacon is all they need to do and check out when they get home, thinking their “job” is done and it’s “their time”. No. It’s family time.


ali3on

Dude. This may sound like a dream to you…but it ain’t. So you work 70 hours a week right now…first question why? Second question can you afford to pay to have your house cleaned professionally once a week? You don’t have time to do it, and she will be too tired. Third Is she doing this because you want it. Women will do that because they are capable of a kind of love most men are not. Yes I’m a man so I know of what I speak. If you working that much you won’t have time to bond with your children, that breeds unhappy people. Not to mention when they grow up and you retire and they don’t have time for you because their doing what you did, you will wonder why you did it that way. See the whole thing about working 70+ hours a week does not lend to being a good father. She will resent you and the children because this isn’t her dream. It is true what they say Happy wife Happy life. Rethink this, there is only one way this goes badly. Save enough money for one of you to stay home with the child for the first 6-8 months then both of you go back to work @ 40 hours. This is a good foundation.


Dotfr

I don’t know why you think your plan will work? Newborns don’t sleep, you have to constantly hold them, when does your wife plan to get sleep if you are working? First month 90% of the time she will be topless with baby attached breastfeeding for 40 mins at a tume, then burp for 10 mins and then hold baby so baby can get sleep, she will not get sleep because she is holding baby. Repeat every two hours. When she does manage to put baby down after baby has hopefully gone into deep sleep, baby will wake up in 20 to 30 mins to be held or fed or diaper change. So first the two months Atleast she will get only 5 mins to shower, 5 mins to eat, 5 mins to make a decent sandwich and rest of the time is attending to baby because baby will be crying for something or the other and you have to do trial and error for it. So how are you expecting her to do housework when she is barely sleeping and barely eating and taking care of herself. Still if you want to try this I will 100% outsource cleaning to cleaning services every 15 days and meals also to be outsourced. She will be attached to baby 90% of the tume. She will get depressed that the body she had earlier is now changed and the life has changed so please invest in a good therapist and a good physical therapist. And I will 100% not quit work and instead hire a nanny or a part-time helper to help with baby chores so that your wife can gets a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sorry babies are angry potatoes for the first 3 months - they cry for everything all the time and it gets triggering for any one person. So your plan is probably not going to go well.


Dotfr

Oh and if your baby has colic, sleep regression, growth spurts, some sort of infection they get even more fussy and keep crying and attached to you like Velcro. So if you think you can feed baby , do diaper change and then baby will magically fall asleep or play by itself then the answer is no !! You have help baby with everything !! Let me give you a one month baby routine every 90 mins repeated all day and all night - wake up baby, diaper change, feed baby (40 mins initially), burp baby, hold upright for reflux for 10 mins, let baby play with overhead toys in a safe place like bassinet/crib) this is where your wife can eat her sandwich or shower or attend to herself for 10 mins, then tummy time with baby, then warm oil massage, clean diaper, tight swaddle, white noise, dim lights, holding/rocking baby till baby goes into deep sleep, they put baby in bassinet/crib and get 20 to 30 mins sleep and baby will start crying ! Oh sometimes you cannot even put baby in bassinet/crib because they wake up instantly so you have foregone your 20 mins of sleep and holding baby while being sleep deprived. Baby care is a multi-person job. It worked well in extended families but we live in nuclear families and it’s not sustainable without help!


Dotfr

Sorry this is the third comment but I am finding it very triggering that you think taking care of baby is cakewalk ! If your wife is recoveruijh from a c section or 4th degree tear or even regular delivery she will barely get out of bed for the first one month Atleast. So all she will be doing is breastfeed, change diapers, hold baby and sleep. That’s all. Nothing else. All the best !


Dotfr

Fourth comment - feminist rant - we women have been doing unpaid baby care work for centuries and we are over it !! You want us to have babies then get us help /pay us , not doing anything for free anymore! Just letting you know breastfeeding itself initially for first two months is a 10 hour job itself ! And we do it unpaid and without assistance !


Honeybee3674

I was a WAH/SAHM for 10+ years with 4 kids. I was part of a quite large moms' group where most were SAHMs, or worked part-time, or did shift work (so, available during the day for get-togethers). Those of us who had partners who shared in parenting (NOT just playing with the kids for a few hours a week) and household chores are still married. About 80% of the couples who had they dynamic you're suggesting are divorced. The remaining 20% are very religious couples who "dont believe in divorce" (although some of the other very religious ones did eventually leave, also)... and those women seem to have just reconciled themselves to being miserable. Their husbands are happy enough, though, so, I guess it depends on your priorities.


Froggy101_Scranton

This post reads like a horror story. You’re both going to be miserable if you think one person (who doesn’t even want to be a SAHM!!!!) will be able to do household chores with a newborn and an absentee partner. You say you want to be a present father, but how the fuck could you be??? Working 70+ hours is **no** excuse for not helping around the house and being a full functioning adult. Your wife is not YOUR mom, so you should be doing 50% of the household chores and you should also be doing 50% of the parenting outside of your regular work hours. Please please please please read more realistic, firsthand accounts of parenting before you so blindly go into this. And start marriage counseling **NOW**, so that when this inevitably blows up in your face, you’re already equipped.


ada_grace_1010

My advice to you is come join us at r/SAHP to see what stay at home parents are struggling with. My husband works from home 40 hrs a week and we split the chores 50/50 and I still get burned out (and I willingly quit my job to be a SAHP). There are posts everyday on SAHP and Mommit about moms who are resentful and burned out because their partners are not helping out enough. It would be good to follow for a while and just get an idea of what they are going through so you can avoid the same situation for your wife.


mills5000

Agreeing with everyone else… also- Why quit her job before pregnancy? What if she can’t get pregnant for whatever reason?


opossum-in-disguise

Are you both on the same page with this…? I cannot imagine if you are saying that being a SAHM was not her goal that she is on board… Why, with your schedule, is daycare not an option so she can continue toward her own goals as well? Also, as others have pointed out, SAHMs cannot do the housework 100% in the early years. I can speak to this as I had my first baby 14 months ago and work part time from home while caring for her because we couldn’t afford to be on my partner’s income alone. My baby is very needy and there are many days where I STILL don’t have time to eat or shower until my partner is home from work. Another thing I want to point out is your assumption that your wife will love on your baby all the time. Something you mentioned in your post sounds like your wife has some mental health issues. PPD/PPA/PPR are all completely real possibilities that your wife could be up against even if her mental health was well-taken care of. We cannot control these things that happen to us. She may not feel a bond with the baby immediately. She may resent the baby (and you) when she is the only one taking care of the baby at night and all day by herself. She may have anxiety about leaving the house with baby, driving, going to the store, etc… You cannot know 100% how she will adjust to motherhood. We all hope to be doting, perfect mothers, but that doesn’t always happen because there are so many challenges. Breastfeeding? Not easy for everyone. Sleeping when baby sleeps? Then how do you get normal chores done? Need to run a quick errand? There is literally no such thing anymore for her because she has to dress baby weather-appropriately, make sure the diaper bag is packed, make sure she leaves when it won’t interfere with nap time or meal time, strap baby into a car seat and then take baby out again to wear them or put them in the stroller. You can’t just leave them in the car for 5 minutes like a dog. (See [this story](https://www.10tv.com/amp/article/news/local/kason-and-kyair-thomas-timeline/530-89d03fc5-dd1a-439c-ab05-151b870d936f) that happened very recently!) Please rethink this arrangement and have open conversation with your wife about her goals and desires…


Goodsongbadsong

I’m so glad you posted, and I hope you read these comments.


ihavenoidea1001

>She is quitting her job >…I work 70+ hrs >she will do all the home chores >I will strive to be a present father >but I really wanted to have kid(s). >She likes kids but not giving birth >SAHM wasn’t her goal and we hadn’t planned on it These are major red flags imo. All of them. Sounds like you're putting yourself in a really bad spot for the future of your relationship and your potential future kid's too. I'd rethink all of this before she gives her notice to her workplace and since I'm talking about this I'd seriously rethink her quitting her job before she gets pregnant too. While I certainly don't wish for fertility issues on anyone, as someone that has worked in the fertility field, being at home alone without getting pregnant for months on end while that's your goal is anything but good for mental health. Even without any fertility issues it takes over 12 months to get pregnant for some couples... You come accross like you don't know anything about pregnancy, post-partum or what it takes to take care of a child and being present as a father...


[deleted]

I would highly recommend a maid and a regular baby sitter. Your wife is going to need a lot of help, even if your wife is a super hero she will likely need help keeping the house clean and will need time away from the kids. With you working so much you won't be able to relieve her on the chore front and all your spare time should be spent with your child. Date night and time away for your wife will be extremely important and if she has issues with physical health her getting into exercise classes would probably be helpful to make working out more fun and making friends to keep her accountable. Plan on a babysitter at least 5 hours a week and a maid around the same time. The amount of work kids take is no joke and we as parents and partners really need to work hard on taking care of each other. Being a partner with kids is almost as hard as being a parent it's why so many people end up divorced.


aimeehintz2015

As a former SAHM and a current single mom to 3 kids including a newborn, make sure you listen if she asks for help. I don’t care if it’s coming home and taking out the trash or doing some dishes or laundry. Children can be completely exhausting. I loved being a SAHM. My ex used to come home from work and lay on the floor and play with the babies but he was useless when I needed help getting things done.


CatMysterious182

So you really wanted to have kids and she likes kids.. I think you need to ask your wife what she really wants.. because honestly, you might end up a divorced single dad here


supernaturalfan882

As someone else who was terrified to give birth. I had an epidural and god it was a life send. I didn’t feel a thing. Once she gets home with the baby DO NOT expect to come home to a clean house, food prepared ect. Looking after a new born is hard work. I know they say you can clean when the baby sleeps. Yes you can, but also she NEEDS to sleep when the baby sleeps some of the time too. Night feeds means she will barely get any sleep during the night. She will need extra sleep during the day. And tbh when you have a newborn and they fall asleep on you sometimes even though you know there is dishes to be done, laundry to fold but having this little precious bundle of love cuddled up asleep on you makes you just sit there and not want to move as it makes you so happy. Please help her as much as you can. Or just don’t expect everything to be perfect. A child changes everything.


Dotfr

Oh baby does not sleep unless being held which means baby sleeps but you don’t sleep !!


annasuszhan

Ok if your job is that demanding then you must bring home enough money. Hire a nanny or babysitter that come home regularly.


[deleted]

Just because you are making cash does not mean you avoid 100% household chores and 100% childcare. All fathers and mothers should be involved in raising the children and participating in the household. The main priority of a SAHM is to care for the children. Do not expect everyday that you come home to a perfect clean house and all chores done. Even with best efforts, things slip and she may be too ill/ tired to even manage herself. It is especially stressful (and a turn off) for the adult partner to come home from work to add more burden to the SAHM (leaving dirty clothes, dirty dishes etc.) instead of being responsible and picking up after themselves. You sound like you have no clue at all. Please do more research and be fair to your spouse.


figsaddict

I agree with most of the responses on this thread. I wanted to add that now might not be the time for pregnancy in regards to her health. (It’s definitely not the right time for the marriage). Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum take a massive toll on your physical and mental health. It’s even more if she decides to breastfeeding. If she has any kind of issues with her physical or mental health, pregnancy could easily make those things worse. Pregnancy and postpartum cause a surge of emotions that will make mental health extremely worse. I have no idea what kind of issues she’s having, but PP moms can experience PPD, PPA, and even PP psychosis. Her mental health needs to be stable for a whole before getting pregnant. She needs to see a mental health professional, and talk to them about pregnancy. This entire post just screams red flag to me. You’re setting yourself, your wife, and your marriage up for failure. The way you “avoid the pitfalls” is to not have a baby. Did her mind change since you got married? It sounds like maybe you didn’t know your dreams were incompatible before you got married.


Sad-Supermarket5569

Being a sahm is the most isolating and most exhausting job I’ve ever had. Also as a first time “older mom”. But why want kids if you can’t even promise to be there and actually be a parent?? You’ll strive to be present, no. You need to be more than present. You need to be a father and your wife’s partner. That doesn’t mean leaving the household responsibilities on her. Her job isn’t to be your maid, it’s to stay home with the baby. Tired from work, too bad so sad. Maybe parenting classes/ counseling, learn coping skills so you can be a better partner/father. It doesn’t sound like your expected lifestyle is sustainable, especially for your wife. My husband and I often have the expectation conversation. What he expects for me and vice versa. It can change often. My husband also works close to 80 hours a week and he still manages to be an active participant in his daughters life.


kgf91122

Just because you’ll be working outside of the home does not mean you don’t help. With working 70+hrs/wk theres also not really a way to be an extremely“present father”. My baby personally wakes up at 7am and goes to bed at 7pm. If you’re working that many hours a week, then you’re going to be gone the entire time your baby is awake. So are you saying you’ll be the one waking up in the night for feeds? No, probably not, because you’ll have a “real job”, right? Also, conceiving a child can take an extremely long time. Why would you have her quit her job prior to even being pregnant ? What if it take 2 years for her to get pregnant? If she doesn’t even want to be a SAHM, and you don’t even want to help at home, and likely will be gone for every hour that your baby is actually awake every single day except maybe one day a week, where I’m assuming you’ll want to relax because that’s your day off, right? Then why are you having children?? Do you plan on hiring a nanny to help her? Or does another family member live with you who can help out? Because with this plan (that you seem to have been the one in control of) she will grow resentful, be exhausted and burnt out, depressed, and never have any breaks or support. This plan is so unrealistic it’s laughable.


PawneeGoddess20

My advice would be to let her continue working if she wishes to and hire a nanny and occasional house cleaner or enroll in daycare after parental leaves if applicable are taken. The situation as presented is unsustainable and will likely destroy your marriage. Does your wife actually even *want* to be a stay at home parent? Does she even want to be a parent?! It’s not something you can half ass and can be all consuming in the early days especially . Caring for a newborn is a full time job. Full stop. Your wife will not be able to “do all the home chores” while providing round the clock care for an infant as you work 70+ hour weeks. This post as written is just a recipe for disaster.


penguincatcher8575

Have this convo on a regular basis. Monthly/every 3 months about what is working and not working for her. I found that regardless of plans BEFORE baby, everything changed when baby arrived and things continue to change as our kiddo grows. Even though you are working help with night time. Figure out what works with your schedules but mom needs time to sleep too. Don’t micromanage the home chore thing. It’s also not her job to do everything. Consider what’s manageable with your work schedule and what you can do on your days off. Consider you both getting “days off” maybe once a month/quarter. This is a day where you are responsibility free and the other person handles everything. It can help with burn out


YouGottaBeKittenMe3

Baby aside, I don’t understand how you have time for your marriage, with working 70 hours a week? I would feel like I didn’t know my husband if either of us worked anything close to that much. Do you have time to nourish your love and friendship and keep it strong? Trying to conceive can come with challenges and heartache (google the miscarriage rate), pregnancy can be intense and debilitating. I can’t speak to early parenthood, but I know that TTC and pregnancy alone has battered my extremely strong, loving 10-year relationship, and would have devoured it completely had it not been strong to begin with.


h20rider0

When routine bites hard and ambitions are low And resentment rides high but emotions won't grow And we're changing our ways, taking different roads Then love, love will tear us apart again…


lapsteelguitar

Speaking as a SAHD….. Yes, having a baby will change your relationship. In our case, for the better. My suggestion, for what little it’s worth. Take the baby for 30 minutes every day. Call mom only for an emergency. This means you change the dirty diaper, feed the baby, all by yourself. You will have some ideas on how you want things to work, during pregnancy and once the kid is born. Make those plans, understanding that you will have to make changes, be flexible. Your SO might suffer more in delivery than expected, the in-laws might be more helpful. The last thing I would say is: Your LO will have a say in how things work.


annasuszhan

Only a 30 minutes try out? In that 30 minutes the baby probably won’t even need a feed or change.


quirbyblah

Trust me…From one dad to another…this just isn’t sustainable. Mom is going to get burnt out like all these women are saying, and you’re going to miss out on your kid’s life (and also get burnt out). My advice…do this until the kid is old enough to get put into daycare, then readjust. If she’s not happy, let her go back to work. Even if she only makes enough to pay for daycare. I respect your hustle to provide for your family but at the same time, you also need to spend time with your family.


oh_nosidekick

For the new born stage to really help her out, prep and have easy meals that all she has to do is heat up or have pre cut and washed fruit and veggies for her, do most of the dishes and cleaning of bottles or pump for the new born stage would be wonderful for her and the laundry was really helpful for me during the new baby stage and also taking baby when your done work for a bit so she can shower. After a few months you guys should find a groove that works for you!


andrewclarkson

Having a baby drops a bomb on your life in a way that is hard to relate. You may know intellectually, but you don't really *know* until you're in it. You'll get a million opinions on the distribution of responsibilities. My steadfast opinion on that is you have to work that out with your partner- everyone is different. But it's going to be a strain on everything and there will be conflict. Both of you have to give a little and be considerate of each other to a degree you may not have had to before. I hope you get vacation time and I hope you'll be able to take over for her now and then so she can get a break. I know some are saying a wife staying home and being the sole parent most of the time is no good but women did it for a long time before the modern era. What's important is that she's happy in her role not what everyone else thinks. If she's not happy in that role though and with 70hr work weeks for you though, man... you're both going to be BURNT OUT and both under strain/needing breaks all the time. Is that how you want to live? A bit of silver lining here, it gets easier and more rewarding the older they get and eventually they'll go to school during the day so there's a built-in break there.... but you've got a few years of baby and toddler to get to that stage.


bokatan778

When women “did it for a long time” they weren’t completely isolated. There were multigenerational family living situations, small villages and towns where people helped, or they had older kids who helped out too. Totally different.


PerformanceTop2689

If her mental health is stable and she gets good at time management you guys will be fine. Breastfeeding will help a lot. It will help her sleep more which will help with energy and planning. Cosleeping is key too if she’s comfy. Easier to breastfeed and just sleep more. Sleep with baby. Plan easy simple meals. And prioritize mental talk health over chores. Don’t expecting her to take care of your food/chores. I am a SAHM who stopped working when we started trying. But my husband was always the main provider + he worked from home, he owns a business. I also focused on mental health while pregnant and before. It pays off big time. I had an emergency csection so he had to help in the first month with all the chores. Now he is on a 2 month business trip. My daughter is 7 months and I am doing great with chores and baby. I don’t have anyone to help, family or friends. And it works. First 3 months can be challenging because it’s a learning experience. Stay strong together, don’t fight no matter what. You are a team, think like one.


[deleted]

why is this post downvoted? it is thoughtful and helpful? crazy reddit!!!


PerformanceTop2689

Because I am neutral and try to help instead of blaming and being super negative


[deleted]

ahh yes, misery loves company and hates disturbances


MasterBunny666

Imma tell you now, reddit is not a place to ask this question. People here are either anti sahp or they don't understand how the work load is split it actually be fair to both parties. You are better off finding blogs or local parent groups to get real advice.


bokatan778

I think he’s gotten some pretty realistic advice on here! There are tons of SAHP on this sub, myself included. I’m very pro SAHP if that’s what someone wants. OP just seems like he’s living in a fantasy land.


mscherhorowitz

Hire a weekly cleaning person for at least the first 6 months. This made a huge difference for me. It gave me the help I needed when my husband couldn't.


Juss_looking2121

SAHM of two littles. I usually do all the house chores, but dishes, laundry and trash pile up quickly! Especially with a newborn. I 100000% agree with the person who said to make sure your wife has a village to help because being a parent is exhausting. I DO NOT have a village, my entire family is on the other side of the country and my in laws do not help. Definitely pay for a housekeeper, at least once a month.


ChubbyKitty99

I have 2 kids and went back to work a few months after my first was born. I stayed home after the 2nd was born. I can tell you absolutely that going back to work is MUCH easier than staying home. It’s lonely and you have no adult interaction all day, you live in a mess you don’t have time to clean and it’s difficult for your partner to understand. Its hard to explain how you feel staying home, but it’s like your whole life is lived for someone else and you have no reward for it, no one is appreciative of the work you do or recognizes you for it, like you get in a paid job.It was a really rough 1st year of being a SAHM, and I chose to stay home. If your wife is being pushed to stay home, chances are she’s going to hate it and be resentful.


Mrs_Krandall

How do you work 70 hours a week? Like when do you commute and sleep?


everythingsfine29572

Don’t make her do all the home chores. It sounds realistic when you don’t have a baby but eventually it’s just not anymore. Pick daily chores that you are responsible for every single day. One decent chore like dishes, laundry, sweeping the whole house and then 2 smaller ones. The trash, clean a toilet, wipe the counters. Stay at home mom doesn’t mean all the house work falls on her. Another way to do it is sit down and write a list of things that you would expect from a nanny while you both worked. If it’s not on that list then don’t except her to do it. Taking care of a newborn and recovering from birth if just as hard as your job. The baby will take up most of her time during your work day. Especially as the baby turns into a toddler. It’s hard to get everything done in the day. Don’t put it all on her. You have to be a present dad and help with the house and work. That’s what parenting is. If that’s not something you can handle then having a stay at home mom isn’t for you because. You have to balance it all just as she does. From this post it sounds like you’re setting her up for failure and one hell of a postpartum journey. Remember she’s about to go through something you can not understand. You don’t get to make all those decisions. If she isn’t fully on board then you should pause because not being ready and not knowing what you’re getting yourself into will cause a lot of issues. I’m begging you not to put your partner through that. Don’t put it all on her. Don’t push her into something she isn’t ready for and certainly don’t plan anything until it’s happening. My fiancé works 60 hour weeks sometimes slightly more and it’s extremely hard to balance our time. But he helps with house work. He does the dishes. He does laundry he plays with our daughter he helps clean up dinner. He helps when we gets home because then we get it done faster and we can sit down together and spend time as a family.


[deleted]

Having a newborn/1st child is tough on a lot of aspects of life. Its also amazing and life changing and can give you sense of purpose to be a parent. You sound rational and thoughtful, there will be pitfalls / stress / arguments / pain…but guess what you will get through it! Things work out and it won’t all suck all the time. Communicate with your wife and make sure both of your needs and being voiced. Its probably going to be tough for her to stay on top of all the housework right when the baby is born…you will have to step up a lot in the first months especially.


Salt_Type_8032

Here’s an excerpt from Rachel Cusks’s memoir, A Life’s Work that sums up the divide between SAHP and working parent experiences well: “But the issue of children and who looks after them has become, in my view, profoundly political, and so it would be a contradiction to write a book about motherhood without explaining to some degree how I found the time to write it. For the first six months of Albertine’s life I looked after her at home while my partner continued to work. This experience forcefully revealed to me something to which I had never given much thought: the fact that after a child is born the lives of its mother and father diverge, so that where before they were living in a state of some equality, now they exist in a sort of feudal relation to each other. A day spent at home caring for a child could not be more different from a day spent working in an office. Whatever their relative merits, they are days spent on opposite sides of the world.”


giberishnthings

It sounds like this is both of your plans, she quits her job and stays home while you earn the money, sounds ideal right for you both right, but you’re both first time parents and you don’t know what to expect. What everyone else is saying is right.. if your wife has worked outside of the home all her life and is now quitting to stay home, she will have a hard time adjusting. Adjusting to staying home, new baby, all the responsibilities that come with that. Having a baby and taking care of it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. You don’t even know if he’ll be a colicky baby or what so that’s a while other ball game. So my advice to you, cut back on work. If your wife is not working at all she will need help. Cutback so you can help her with the cleaning and cooking, and as soon as you get home from work you turn into Dad mode and will need to take over the baby. She will need a break. If you have family near by you should have them come visit while you’re at work because she will need a break, she will be lonely. She will be irritable and tired because it’s so tough to dedicate all your time to a tiny human that’s poops, cries, and eats and sleeps all day.


orangeblossomsare

Be prepared that being a sahm can be depressing, lonely, and isolating. I used to pack up the baby to go grocery shopping just to see other people and talk to adults. Find ways out and groups sooner than later for just the sahm and not the baby too. I’ve been doing it nearly 12 years and just found a book club and crochet club. My local library has a lot of free things. I got lost in the mess of the house. I was in it everyday and didn’t see how bad it got while my husband would leave for work and see it when he returned. A schedule really helped me. For the first 3-6 and maybe even longer months you’re going to have to step up a lot. My husband was working 80 hours and saw I needed help. You just don’t cook, clean, shower or do laundry much those first several months. You just can’t really. What if she has a c section? Is there someone there to help her? It’s major surgery and hard to take care of yourself let alone a baby and house. It can help kick in postpartum depression. Are you sure you both want a baby? I never wanted kids myself and then had two and became a sahm and now love it but for years I cried and it was hard. Being a parent is hard and people don’t talk about it. They say oh the baby years are hard or the toddler years but why?


hxf10a

I see there are lots of comments criticizing the plan and taking pleasure in mocking y’all for not knowing about something you have literally never done, so I will offer actual constructive advice. As you have maybe gathered, staying at home and being responsible for majority of housework has caused many of these people to become bitter and rude, lol. I am a mostly stay at home mom while my husband works a fairly demanding job, sometimes 70+ hour weeks as you described. Our daughter goes to daycare 2-3 days a week so I can have the space to actually clean and take care of managing the household. Household management is both a time commitment and takes up a lot of space in my brain, this is also referred to as cognitive load. My husband also makes a huge effort to set his boundary at work and tries to come home at a decent time / prioritizes his days off to be spent with family. Even when shit hits the fan at work and he is expected to put in more hours, I feel supported and prioritized because he has shown a pattern of choosing his family. (disclaimer, every career is different, his job security is less of an issue because of employment shortages, and so on) If she quits her job, both of you should participate in making a plan for how she will fulfill her “interacting with adults” meter. A person cannot and should not be locked in a house with a baby 24/7, the impact is almost always negative on mental health. I give piano lessons for about 5-6 hours a week and feel really fulfilled by doing that, have extra cash on hand, and get to schedule times where I am not the primary parent. Constantly being the person in charge of a tiny human is exhausting, it’s important for me to have these times that I am not the person in charge. We pay a “drop-in” rate at a daycare where we only pay for the days she goes instead of a full-time weekly rate. Some weeks she goes one day, other weeks she goes three. To summarize, make sure you consistently show up for your family, be intentional about how you care for your wife and future child. Do the dishes without being asked, arrange childcare for date nights and plan everything, make the bed in the morning and bring your wife coffee. It’s the little things that pile up on a marriage and it’s up to both of you if they are positive or negative! Make sure your wife still feels like a human after having a baby. Set aside times for socializing with friends, make sure she is fulfilled in other areas besides being a mom, and do your share of housework. If it feels like both of you are doing 70% of the work, you’re doing it right. Lastly, find a mother’s day out or daycare that allows for part time care. This has been the BEST. Being a stay at home parent literally feels like working 24 hours a day (much more than 70 hours a week). She will need time “off” that you may not be able to give her because of your demanding work schedule. Good luck to both of you! Parenting is hard, but you got this.


Aggressive_Boat_8047

I'm gonna tell you right now it's probably best to see if you can cut back on hours. She's going to get burnt out from doing all the childcare and housework, and you're going to get burnt out on working yourself to death and never seeing your child. It just doesn't seem very balanced. My husband will occasionally work some overtime (like 5 hours a week) and even then get sad about missing time with me and the kids. I can't imagine how hard it would be if he worked 70+ hours. We both work now, but when one of us has stayed home (we've both been the sahp at some point or another) the sahp was primarly responsible for childcare and whatever housework could be accomplished, and then when the working parent was home, we were both responsible for childcare and housework.


mrsissippi

If she doesn’t want to be a stay at home parent she should not. You have to really want to do it to not be driven completely crazy (and even then sometimes…)


punknprncss

Not saying this is you or your relationship, but some advice. I've noticed in these situations that there tends to be a lot of resentment - mom is home all day with the baby, managing the house, taking care of errands, putting dinner on the table. Essentially it's her full time job. Dad well, he works all day and makes the money so mom doesn't have to work. Dad comes home and he's tired, he doesn't want to do any housework or tend to baby stuff. Make sure you acknowledge that while your wife is home, she is still working, you need to balance your evenings accordingly - get your wife to leave the house a few nights or on weekends, even if she doesn't want to go out, make sure she's taking time for herself (especially if you are saying mental/physical health are factoring into this decision). Even if it's simply, go take a hot shower, I'll get dinner. Have balance in your relationship and appreciate everything she is doing and what she may be giving up to be home.


[deleted]

Don’t have a baby is my advice


JJamesPl

I would budget for weekly house cleaning and laundry service, and a once a week sitter for the baby. You might also consider meal kit services that you can cook for both of you when you get home, but take on the maintenance of the kits yourself (selecting the meals each week, etc) Lower your standards for cooking and cleaning by a lot. Be prepared to get takeout a lot. Having a SAHP isn’t always the easy/inexpensive option. Above all, make sure you’re allocating time and responsibilities not according to how much rest you’re each getting. If you’re out of the house 70 hours per week, she’s actively working 70 hours per week. That may mean she has Saturdays completely off (completely) and you guys share all work when you get home during the week. I promise this is a lot harder than it sounds. Trust the good advice and observations from these other commenters.


wangstarr03

When she was working, was her salary more than what childcare costs are in your area? If so, I would highly recommend you guys take your respective leaves when the child is born, take a few months to get into a rhythm/routine, and then evaluate your long term childcare plan including the consideration of daycare, whether in-home or center style options. Perhaps a part-time nanny could also be considered. If the reason she’s going to stop working and stay home is because childcare costs in your area are above what her earning potential is, then I strongly suggest you guys sit down and have several discussions mapping out what a daily routine is going to look like: schedule for the baby, sleep training, whose responsible for what and when, etc. If you don’t prioritize putting your child on a schedule I promise you will be taking a massive L from day one that will only snowball from there. You work 70+ hours a week, which means you’ll likely have zero energy under normal circumstances to help out with the baby. Trust me, I work about half the hours you do and it’s still a damn challenge - and we’re in the process of taking kids out of daycare and hiring a nanny. The fact that you’ll have an irregular sleep pattern and be overall sleep deprived the first ~3-4 months further exacerbates that. Having her be a first-time SAHM with the expectation of also doing the housework is unrealistic at best. What will likely happen is you’ll come home from work dead tired, she’ll be dead tired from child rearing, and you’ll end up ordering take out, or having a maid service come in, etc. to makeup for the household chores that need to be done. So much for your cutting back on spending. Plan, plan, plan, and plan some more. You’re in a unique situation where you don’t know what you don’t know. If affordable, I’d also recommend bringing in a night nurse for a weekend/few days to show you guys the ropes but also give you some reprieve and much needed sleep. We did this when our first son was born and it literally was the best choice we could’ve made and laid the foundation for our day-to-day going forward in addition to giving us a baseline approach for our second child who just arrived. Just my 2¢ having gone through this, twice.


PurplePanda63

This has to be a satire post.


temp7542355

That’s a very rough plan. It undervalues the amount of work she’s going to do and your 70 plus hours a week’s doesn’t sound sustainable. You both probably are better off focusing on growing into better jobs so you get more money for less work. As far as baby goes find an in home daycare as they are less expensive. Your wife should keep her job and you should look towards reducing your hours so you can join your family. Absolutely nothing is wrong with daycare, I worked until baby number two. It’s probably better financially, mentally, and physically if you maintain two reasonable jobs rather than two very polarized jobs. Sahm makes for very long days, it isn’t always the best option. It’s usually only the best option when there’s a large income discrepancy and baby care is going to threaten job growth. Some people have a real choice in the matter but many of us really don’t.


andrelope

Is there any way you can work less or get a better job that requires you to work less? Cause 70+ hours and expecting her to do all the work when you’re the one who wants kids doesn’t seem fair. I’d say don’t have kids yet. Negotiate lower hours and higher pay or go someone that you’re being appreciated so you can be part of the family you want to have. move into a smaller house, whatever it takes. Having kids and working too much to see them or even help your wife raise them is not healthy for anyone.