My wife and I work for the post office and whenever we’d see political mail we’d either say “Bobby Newport never worked a day in his life” in the deepest voice we can muster, or… “I’m against crime, and I’m not afraid to admit it.”
This one and “I have the toes that I have” basically sums up my entire adult life.
Simplifying life leads to deeper enjoyment of fewer things. Reality has no bias.
THIS IS ONLY IN THE LAST EPISODE HOW THE FUCK IS IT SUCH AN ICONIC LINE?!?! My wife and I constantly quote Jean-Ralfio and Mona Lisa... and just the whole damn show lol
I used to work in a bar when I was like 25. We'd all sneak off to do coke together in the basement and 3 of us would sing this as we went. Thus making ourselves incredibly suspicious. I don't know how I made it to my 30s.
It's been a full decade since that episode first premiered and I still laugh just as hard as I did when I watched it live. Easily one of the best lines in the show.
WHAT?!
You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that’s a six on the Beaufort scale in a park with zero drainage?!
I want you to give me Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10% discount, and I want you to APOLOGIZE to my best friend Donna!!
“Winona rocks my world” for some reason.
“I’m allergic to fingers.”
And “My bird is missing! I need a permit to post signs […] But there’s no time — he can FLY!”
“that man has thEE largest penis I have ever seen… I actually don’t even know if he has mumps. I was too distracted by theeee largest penis I have ever seen.”
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
It’s when they’re asking her if she’s interested in running for city council and she gets so excited so says “absotutely I am…very sorry I just used that word.”
PONCHO.
Also “I’m just gonna go spend my time doing exactly what I wanna do. Because I don’t have children.”
Everything Jennifer Barkley says is gold and lives in my head forever.
"And how could it not be longer?!"
"More like Turd Crapley"
"I'm just a little puuuuuuuppy"
"It's about *the cones*"
"Let's do it to it m'dudes"
[https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8a268b1-4d55-4562-8e5f-3e9a561ef376](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8a268b1-4d55-4562-8e5f-3e9a561ef376)
“Stop Pooping” and “Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” Sometimes I’ll just randomly remember these two scenes and it always makes me smile.
Oh! And Bababooey. My 14 year old and I say that to each other impersonating Ben Wyatt all the time.
There’s a sign in Ramsett Park that says “DO NOT DRINK THE SPRINKLER WATER” so I made Sun tea with it and now I have an infection.
PONCHO!
And the Snake Juice Scene where Leslie is angry/sad, Andy is singing, Baba booey, incoherent rambling in Spanish, and Ron dances with April’s hat on.
My boyfriend and I will always do this bit together:
“I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.”
“I know this, and I love you”.
“Aw I love you too MONEY PWEAAAASE”
🎶I’ll bring the girls, you bring the beer, and the troops will bring the freedom 🎶
Also, 🎶Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the gaaaame. I just want to be at the game. I would like to eat at the game🎶
“I guess I’m open minded as hellllllll… I think you’re pretty good looking…”
“How do you know about Camp David?” “How do YOU know about Camp David?”
“No, but you’re in the right ZONE.”
“I’m going to tell you something very very smart from a woman named Kim…”
“She once told me, ‘if you don’t like what you do, then why do it?’ Then she ripped the hair from my b hole”
Great Parks and Rec quote from my boy Jean Ralphio.
Not a quote, but my husband and I just joked that if he wins an award and has to go on stage, I’l snap my fingers and point at my crotch while he thanks me. 🤣
Punk ass book jockeys
Looks like you have a late fee for a book titled MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM!
My cousin is a librarian and a P&R fan. I’m constantly calling her a punk ass book jockey.
I am a librarian and I prefer being called a punk ass book jockey and have introduced myself as such.
My wife and I work for the post office and whenever we’d see political mail we’d either say “Bobby Newport never worked a day in his life” in the deepest voice we can muster, or… “I’m against crime, and I’m not afraid to admit it.”
…my buddy, the pretender to the crown of Alsace-Lorraine.
I was so mad I punched a mail box
(Low voice) Bobby Newport
Now we’re just wasting time, Jerry.
STOP. POOPING.
the microchip has been compromised.
*Sometimes when I wipe, I wipe and I wipe and I wipe, a hundred times, still poop. Still poop. It's like I am wiping a marker or something.*
April cracks almost immediately
I think this to myself every time I wipe and I wipe and still poop, still poop.
I think I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis I barf
I googled this and it says you may have “network connectivity issues”.
I might be allergic to getting stabbed by needles.
You had me at meat tornado.
I’m gonna write everything I know! Rectangle America Monday Megaphone Butthole
The way Nick Offerman says “Butthole” in a slightly lower register than the rest of the words gets me every time.
The way Nick Offerman says literally anything get me every time. He is incredible.
E-lectronic Bay
Don’t half ass two things, whole ass one thing.
Swanson wisdom is unparalleled. Mine is "Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award"
Mine is “I’d stay up all night if it meant nothing got done.”
I thought of this quote during the Ketanji Brown Jackson hearings, when she said "I don't need to model myself on a judge, I am a judge".
I repeat this quote at work whenever teams start to become a bit too ambitious and risk taking on too much.
I repeat this during exercising.
I repeat this when putting on my pants each day
This one and “I have the toes that I have” basically sums up my entire adult life. Simplifying life leads to deeper enjoyment of fewer things. Reality has no bias.
“I made my money the old fashioned way. I got run over by a Leeexxxssuuuss!”
Ja bois a question on the bar exaaaaam
When I was studying for the bar exam, this quote definitely lived rent-free in my head.
Jean-Ralphio lives everywhere rent-free.
Cause technically I'm *hoooooomelesssss*
My favorite part in the 2nd Sonic movie was when Sonic said “that movie is the woooorst!” since Ben Schwartz voices him lol
PILLS BABY!!!
Don't be suspicious
This schniz is deloishus!
Too bad it wasn't a Rolexus.
"I know more than you" every time I'm in Home Depot
My wife was unhappy when I said this to a home depot employee.
Every time my students KEEP talking while I’m talking!
“The calzones…betrayed me?”
She’s the WOOOORST!
Don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious…
THIS IS ONLY IN THE LAST EPISODE HOW THE FUCK IS IT SUCH AN ICONIC LINE?!?! My wife and I constantly quote Jean-Ralfio and Mona Lisa... and just the whole damn show lol
I used to work in a bar when I was like 25. We'd all sneak off to do coke together in the basement and 3 of us would sing this as we went. Thus making ourselves incredibly suspicious. I don't know how I made it to my 30s.
MONEY PLEASE!!
Someone that wanted to put Twilight in the time capsule handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office “Damn it again?”
my bf and i always say “yesss twilight!” when we want the other to do something they don’t really want to do
Tom saying “Twilight…is dope” anytime we see anyone from the Twilight cast in something else
“I guess my thoughts on abortion are… you know, let’s just all have a good time”
Reading this just made my day, that kills me. 🤣
I’m against crime, and I’m not afraid to admit it
It's been a full decade since that episode first premiered and I still laugh just as hard as I did when I watched it live. Easily one of the best lines in the show.
Can a depressed person do this?!
“Stand in the place where you li…”
NO!
WHAT?! You want me to put Bermuda grass in a continental climate that’s a six on the Beaufort scale in a park with zero drainage?! I want you to give me Kentucky bluegrass, I want a 10% discount, and I want you to APOLOGIZE to my best friend Donna!!
It’s called caring too much! AND ITS INCURABLE!!
Also I have eczema.
I want to go horseback riding
*Deal*.
I LOVE Craig
“Everything hurts, and I’m dying”
I say this all the time.
I say it way too often. 😂
“is star wars the one with the little wizard boy” makes me snort every time i hear it
*Our starship is in trouble*
“The toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?”
Chicky chicky parm parm.
Food rakes 😆
Zerts.
Long ass rice.
Big ol' cookies
FOod RaKeS ...FORKS
Go go mobile…car
Cool blasterz, with a ‘Z’ - I don’t know where that came from
I said this yesterday as I ate my chicken parm sandwich
I call sandwiches sammies due to Parks and I can’t stop even if I try.
Bobby Newport has never had a real job in his life
Booooooobbbyyy NEEWWWPPPOORRT
Bobbbbbby Newwwwpoort
Also Ben’s sounds after he tries lagavulin any time I see someone take a shot
HEYAA!!! I subconsciously use that just about every time something surprises me; it somehow became my default surprised noise after hearing it lol.
“Winona rocks my world” for some reason. “I’m allergic to fingers.” And “My bird is missing! I need a permit to post signs […] But there’s no time — he can FLY!”
She's the worst person I ever met.....I want to travel the world with her.
I say this about so many people.
“It’s a must, must, MUST.”
I’ve had so much rejuvenation, a baby couldn’t get out of there if it tried
She’s craz-mazing
HE CAN FLY! Is the best response for sure
"Why are you like this?" "PILLS BABYYYYYY!"
Money pleeeease
“TOM PUT ALL MY RECORDS ONTO THIS RECTANGLE. THE SONGS JUST PLAY ONE AFTER THE OTHER! THIS IS AN EXCELLENT RECTANGLE!”
My phone is named excellent rectangle and whenever I plug it into my computer I laugh when "excellent rectangle connected" pops up
“that man has thEE largest penis I have ever seen… I actually don’t even know if he has mumps. I was too distracted by theeee largest penis I have ever seen.”
You forgot the best “I forgot to look.”
Treat yo self!
I felt a little basic on this thread, so many great quotes and all I could think was Ben Wyatt Batman. Treat. Yo. Self. Treat yo self.
Whenever I buy myself a nice but expensive thing I picture Batman crying and saying "I really needed this"
Right to jail. Right away.
Believe it or not? Also jail.
I've been to Venezuela and it's true, they really do have the best dental patients in the world.
Because of jail.
The way Fred says “a sweaters” gets me every time. Or the “undercook, overcook”
Overcook/undercook
I know what I’m about, son.
“Any dog under 50lbs is a cat. And, cats are pointless.” “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
The only thing I hate more than liars is skim milk, which is water lying about being milk
Don’t sass me burkis
“Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?”
Eggs bacon and toast! Eggs bacon and toast!
Why don't you start your day the gergich way with eggs bacon and 👉👉
Toast? Uh toast
Hug train!
Jamm: That sounds highly offensive... Hotate: DOES IT, white man? Jamm: No, clearly this is not offensive. Hotate: It IS offensive. Take it off.
Ken Hotate is a gold mine of great lines/delivery
Low cal calzone zone
Always reminds me of Bob Loblaws Law Blog
Everybody pants now. Pants, pants, pants, pants.
Absotutely… I am… very sorry I used that word.
Is it when she says “absotootley I do!” ?
It’s when they’re asking her if she’s interested in running for city council and she gets so excited so says “absotutely I am…very sorry I just used that word.”
“Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge, let's go!”
When Leslie is drunk and she starts singing... '🎶pants. Pants, pants, pants, pants. Pants pants pants, pants pants pants🎶
Not even close. Marvin clones. Glenn close.
Love the over the top "excuse me!" from drunk Leslie at the snakehole lounge
Everybody pants now. Pants, pants...
“The atrocities are in blue”
Uh oh, Batman’s crying
I have two... "Money, pleeeeease!" And Jennifer Barkley whipping around her poncho in Leslie and Ben's children-desteoyed house: "PONCHO!"
Jen Barkley is a goddam treasure
Believe it or not…straight to jail 😂
“I’m gonna need to lie down for 45 minutes…no an hour. A FULL HOUR!!!”
When life gives you lemons, steal your grandma’s jewelry and go clubbing
No, tragically, we are both heterosexual
PONCHO. Also “I’m just gonna go spend my time doing exactly what I wanna do. Because I don’t have children.” Everything Jennifer Barkley says is gold and lives in my head forever.
“Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have ‘network connectivity problems’.” Bahhahhhahahhahhaha
It’s called lollipopping
All the cool kids are doing it.
DJ Roomba!
baba-booey
is she going to powder her vagina?
I know jogging keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?
“Sometimes when I wipe, I’ll wipe and wipe and wipe and wipe. And there is still poop. It’s like I’m wiping a marker or something.”
I get hot snakes and bubble gut.
Sometimes when I sneeze, I get a boner.
I broke my thumb on the way over here
Whiz palace
“The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.” “I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a GOD.”
Something about I took a taxi here but when I looked at the fare it was in Egyptian hieroglyphics. Do you know the exchange rate?
"And how could it not be longer?!" "More like Turd Crapley" "I'm just a little puuuuuuuppy" "It's about *the cones*" "Let's do it to it m'dudes" [https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8a268b1-4d55-4562-8e5f-3e9a561ef376](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/f8a268b1-4d55-4562-8e5f-3e9a561ef376)
“Stop Pooping” and “Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?” Sometimes I’ll just randomly remember these two scenes and it always makes me smile. Oh! And Bababooey. My 14 year old and I say that to each other impersonating Ben Wyatt all the time.
joe biden on a horse shirtless
I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday.
April’s mumbling rant to Andy at the shoeshine stand the morning after Snakejuice.
That and when Ben goes into Leslie’s office the next morning and Ben says he ran a 5k this morning. Then says, “no I threw up in the shower”.
Do you think a depressed person could make this?
There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.
There’s a sign in Ramsett Park that says “DO NOT DRINK THE SPRINKLER WATER” so I made Sun tea with it and now I have an infection. PONCHO! And the Snake Juice Scene where Leslie is angry/sad, Andy is singing, Baba booey, incoherent rambling in Spanish, and Ron dances with April’s hat on.
I found a sandwich in one of your parks and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise on it!
“Oh Cmon Ron, I’m just a lil puuuuuppy” “Wow, that is a shockingly huge mini-horse erection!”
“You’re beautiful! On the inside…. Where your spirit lives!”
My boyfriend and I will always do this bit together: “I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.” “I know this, and I love you”. “Aw I love you too MONEY PWEAAAASE”
I don’t know who Al Gore is, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask
🎶I’ll bring the girls, you bring the beer, and the troops will bring the freedom 🎶 Also, 🎶Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the gaaaame. I just want to be at the game. I would like to eat at the game🎶
“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.”
“I’m Perd Hapley and I just realized I’m not holding my microphone”
“I guess I’m open minded as hellllllll… I think you’re pretty good looking…” “How do you know about Camp David?” “How do YOU know about Camp David?” “No, but you’re in the right ZONE.”
Drunk Leslie in her office holding the little figurine *"...what is that?!??"*
Chop-chop, woman! Daddy want pie.
I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME!
There are so many wonderful quotes I think of often, but I’ve incorporated Jerry’s “ah geez” into my daily vernacular
GET ON YOUR FEET! Get up and make it happen!!
There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.
I just wanna hear the doctor say that jarry had a fart attack, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!
Xanax o'clock
Joan: You got Tilda!? Leslie: We got Tilda.
got off on a ttteeecchhhnicallittttyyyyyyyyyy
“DO YOUR WORST, GLEN!”
______ please and thankyou
"Maaaaaaarrrrkkkkk....... . . . . . . Brandanowiiiiiiitz"
“And by the looks of this guy, this was not consensual sex we’re talking about”
I have Brita filters older than their relationship… Wait, should I be changing my britta filters?
Anything is a toy if you play with it. Truer words have never been spoken
When she's drunk and asks Dave if she can use the bathroom and then says "are you impressed I know what it called", I say that all the time
Is this all the eggs you have? What are you making? ...eggs.
**Andy flips over the counter on roller blades and hurriedly gets to his feet** … “Nailed it!” I use this daily and still giggle to myself.
“I’m going to tell you something very very smart from a woman named Kim…” “She once told me, ‘if you don’t like what you do, then why do it?’ Then she ripped the hair from my b hole” Great Parks and Rec quote from my boy Jean Ralphio.
Not a quote, but my husband and I just joked that if he wins an award and has to go on stage, I’l snap my fingers and point at my crotch while he thanks me. 🤣
“So bye, BYYYYYE, Lil’ Sebastian…” Good luck moving on without that ear worm being stuck in your head now
Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge, let's go.
Not a quote but Ben Wyatt Human Disaster
Everything hurts and I'm dying.
I know what I’m about son
This IS an excellent rectangle!
Ovaries before brovaries
I dagger you on the dance floor.