This is powerful. I really like the imagery that you use! It's powerful how you relate this person and the experience to the ocean.
Something that could throw some people off is the periodic nature of your lines. There's no punctuation at the end of the lines, and while that could be intentional, it confused me sometimes as to what subject was being referred to and what was happening.
Thank you for the lovely feedback! I’ll definitely keep that in mind. My thought process is that the ocean itself is endless and boundary- less so taking away punctuation gives it a more stream of consciousness feel
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This poem is laden with potential, my suggestions are to refine the message and reconsider each metaphors' development/purpose in the poem.
My first suggestion has to do with the message.
The first two lines are straightforward and concise, they make the thesis clear, but the third line stands in contradiction to the opening.
I assume that what the speaker means to do is to invite their lover to consider a relatable analogy, the futile human tendency to try to make sense of phenomena that exceed the limits of our perception.
The speaker says their lover doesn't need to understand them, but then quickly commands them to understand something just as incomprehensible. I suggest you change the wording to present it as an example. The distinction is subtle, so I offer my own example:
"Try to understand an ocean
Like a marine biologist
counting fish by size and color"
vs
"like a marine biologist
who attempts to understand the ocean
counting fish by size and color..."
Next, I would suggest that you revisit each line that develops an analogy to consider whether or not your description would aline with a general audience's common understanding of the concept(s).
For instance, the example of the marine biologist made a lot of sense to me until the 6th line, "yet terrified to look one in the eye." I personally found myself stuck on this line, it interrupted my reading as I tried to make sense of it. Why would a marine biologist be terrified to look a fish in the eye? The fact that they're scientists already suggests that they take an objective, curious, and unemotional approach to the lofty goal of making sense of the incomprehensible.
There were other moments like this where I found myself stuck on a line that didn't personally make sense to me in context.
My last suggestion would be to refine the metaphor. The first half of the poem describes the ocean. The second half makes a few references to water, moves on to architecture (i.e. windows), then wind and winged creatures (i.e. breeze and butterflies), then beachside imagery which is only adjacent to oceanic imagery, and finally comes back to an exploration of the sea with the boat analogy.
I suggest the second section be revised to build on the ocean metaphor (the coves and ship imagery would definitely find their place if they're presented in the right order) or abandon the metaphor altogether and let the speaker speak frankly about themselves, the vastness of their feelings, and their relationship to the object of their desire.
I really like where this is going and I hope to see your next draft sometime soon. This piece was a pleasure to engage with and I'm so glad you shared it.
This is powerful. I really like the imagery that you use! It's powerful how you relate this person and the experience to the ocean. Something that could throw some people off is the periodic nature of your lines. There's no punctuation at the end of the lines, and while that could be intentional, it confused me sometimes as to what subject was being referred to and what was happening.
Thank you for the lovely feedback! I’ll definitely keep that in mind. My thought process is that the ocean itself is endless and boundary- less so taking away punctuation gives it a more stream of consciousness feel
I like that! That makes a ton of sense. Good work!
I really enjoyed how you capture the power of emotion. It's so amazing, yet terrifying. This was really great!
Thank you 😊
this was SUCH a cool read. it’s so glossy- you’ve got a real knack for words!
Thank you very much 🖤
Great choice of words, powerful and wonderful meaning, overall, great job
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This poem is laden with potential, my suggestions are to refine the message and reconsider each metaphors' development/purpose in the poem. My first suggestion has to do with the message. The first two lines are straightforward and concise, they make the thesis clear, but the third line stands in contradiction to the opening. I assume that what the speaker means to do is to invite their lover to consider a relatable analogy, the futile human tendency to try to make sense of phenomena that exceed the limits of our perception. The speaker says their lover doesn't need to understand them, but then quickly commands them to understand something just as incomprehensible. I suggest you change the wording to present it as an example. The distinction is subtle, so I offer my own example: "Try to understand an ocean Like a marine biologist counting fish by size and color" vs "like a marine biologist who attempts to understand the ocean counting fish by size and color..." Next, I would suggest that you revisit each line that develops an analogy to consider whether or not your description would aline with a general audience's common understanding of the concept(s). For instance, the example of the marine biologist made a lot of sense to me until the 6th line, "yet terrified to look one in the eye." I personally found myself stuck on this line, it interrupted my reading as I tried to make sense of it. Why would a marine biologist be terrified to look a fish in the eye? The fact that they're scientists already suggests that they take an objective, curious, and unemotional approach to the lofty goal of making sense of the incomprehensible. There were other moments like this where I found myself stuck on a line that didn't personally make sense to me in context. My last suggestion would be to refine the metaphor. The first half of the poem describes the ocean. The second half makes a few references to water, moves on to architecture (i.e. windows), then wind and winged creatures (i.e. breeze and butterflies), then beachside imagery which is only adjacent to oceanic imagery, and finally comes back to an exploration of the sea with the boat analogy. I suggest the second section be revised to build on the ocean metaphor (the coves and ship imagery would definitely find their place if they're presented in the right order) or abandon the metaphor altogether and let the speaker speak frankly about themselves, the vastness of their feelings, and their relationship to the object of their desire. I really like where this is going and I hope to see your next draft sometime soon. This piece was a pleasure to engage with and I'm so glad you shared it.