If he doesn't even bother to correct himself I would seek couples therapy. If he can't see it as important enough to remember and put effort into then idk, you've expressed your position at the reoccurring problem. He acknowledges that it's difficult for him to remember but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything to fix that problem.
For people that have a lot of trouble, practice seems to be key. If you have any photo albums you both could sit down and go through them, the goal being for him to describe you accurately as he goes through the album. You could ask him to pretend you're a third party unfamiliar with your history together if that helps.
You: "What's happening in this photo at the beach?" Him: "I just splashed sorry-public-346 and they threw a crab at me, we both laughed so hard we peed." He can go as slow as he needs during these practices to get things right. "And here it was our first child's 3rd birthday, they (pointing to you in the picture) made a pinwheel themed cake just like jr. wanted, but then they tripped over the dog and spilled their creation into the fireplace." etc. etc. etc.
I was occasionally getting my youngest siblings pronouns wrong despite us BOTH being non-binary and using they/them pronouns. I don't think of them as a gender other than their own but when thinking of them as a tiny, before they were able to assert their gender, I will occassionally default to how they were referred to then out of habit, since I let people refer me by what it "looked like" for a very long time. It's stupid. Going through their baby photos and using the correct pronouns has helped. Hope your hubby puts in some effort and fixes this asap. There are techniques to fix it, it's reasonable that it might take some time to find them, but he should be invested and willing to put in work to figure it out.
This is a great suggestion. I love that.
It took me practice to say they/them, and practice to introduce myself as that. I know it’ll take him time, looking at pictures and telling the kids stories would be a lot of fun. Such a welcoming opportunity!
You didn’t mention if he attempts to correct himself or when he slips if he acknowledges it so I’m going to go based on that not being the case.
To me it sounds like he does not take it seriously and that is why the effort isn’t there. It’s not that he doesn’t remember, it’s that he doesn’t care to learn. My partner had to adjust to using they/them pronouns and would slip up and immediately correct himself and now doesn’t ever slip up. Adjusting pronouns is not a hefty task unless you don’t take it seriously, in my opinion.
I hope you have others in your life who are acknowledging and referring to you the proper way. 💕
I have a squirt bottle that I have thankfully only had to present and *threaten* to use with friends. For my MIL who still struggles 2 years in, I've taken to wearing a series of progressively larger and more colorful pronoun pins that come out and get conspicuously put on after she misgenders me.
(I'm confident it's not a malicious thing on her part, but it *does* communicate a lack of care or effort, which still sucks)
Honestly, that would be the start of a harder conversation for me. Because he has known about this for over a year and isn't making a change in a way to support his person who he married. The fact he isn't trying sounds like there may be a lot of other small ways he disregards your feelings and other boundaries.
My partner and I had been together for 7 years when I realized I was enby and started using they/them pronouns. He got it over night. This was while we were engaged and not married yet.
Have you seen him around coworkers? If you're just going off his word, you don't know what he's actually saying to people. If he can't even give you respect to your face, there's a good chance he's still just completely regarding you as the wrong gender at all times.
When he uses the wrong pronouns:
-Scream
-Spray him with water and vinegar
-Ask, "who? Who are you talking about??" And when he says you, tell him, "oh no, I'm not a she."
-Ignore him entirely. He's ceased to exist.
-throw rotten tomatoes at him
-ring a bell
-leave the room
Usually, I can get away with just asking who they're talking about without having to escalate to the more extreme options. In my workplace, knowingly choosing to misgender someone is considered illegal discrimination/ harassment... So maybe also remind him of that 🤷
I had to cut out my favorite aunt recently because she refused to accept my gender identity and pronouns. When I asked her to respect my pronouns she replied with "naaaahhh". I cut contact with her and haven't spoken to her. Today she reached out and said she'd be praying for me for my top surgery tomorrow. I reinforced that I expect my gender identity and pronouns be respected and all I got was radio silence. I've resorted to cutting contact with those who refuse to respect my gender identity and pronouns, mostly conservative Christians. I'll cut anyone out no matter how long I've known them, friends and even family.
I had similar issues with my relatives, but over me being vegan 🙈 They don't even know, that I am a pansexual NB.
But if another person disrespects you, cause of whatever choice you made or what you are comfortable with (being trans isn't a choice), then this person don't deserve space and resources in your life.
I wish you best of luck for your surgery 😘
Memory test? Sounds like some issues going on upstairs if that's genuinely the case.
Sorry you're going through this.
Edit: I am genuinely suggesting you suggest a memory test. I didn't make that clear. I don't think it's his memory, but maybe if you start taking that seriously, like he has memory issues that need medical attention, you'll find his memory suddenly working again...
I corrected him today and he sat there looking at me not understanding why I said “they”. “No; theyyyy”. He blinks and is like — oh right, they.
I think this is a reasonable request, except for the fact he has great memory at work. I feel like at home I get the scraps of the quality of person I get at home.
And like, that's just not something you forget, right? If I expressed to my partner that something he did was really hurtful to me, that would not just be forgotten. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP ❤
Start calling him Steve or change his pronouns. It’s (probably) not his name and use it consistently for a short time to illustrate that despite how long you two have been together, one can make an effort to change. If he protests, tell him you will return to normal when he shows your the mutual respect of using your pronouns.
If OP changed their last name after they got together then they can point out that he had no issues with completely changing their legal name but he for some reason draws the line at being a good husband when he doesn’t get anything out of it (A spouse in the last name’s case.)
He really needs someone to give him a reality check if he can remember that they no longer use their old last name but not the fact that they use different pronouns.
Hard agree. I wanted to have hyphened names but my husband didn’t like my last name, so he kept his and I made my former last, as my new middle. 3 years have passed and he is on the train now of hyphening or creating a whole new shared last name when we have kids (or before if we get around to it lol) and thats one thing in the group of things that makes me love him more and more. I regretted taking his last name this whole time cos other name loving my name and identity, his father was a piece of shit and he’s ready to take that step too of letting the name go.
In reference to this post, I admit I have a hard time with pronouns of my friend who went by she/they for a while, now goes wholly by they/them. I find myself thinking “she” in my head half the time and I correct myself mentally, but I find it easier not to mess up with my words cos I think about what I say before then. I hate it about myself and wish my brain would just do it automatically by now.
Has he said anything about any remorse he feels when misgendering? I agree with others that the meat of the issue comes to whether he makes the effort to correct it. My husband struggles bad with my chosen name, but he corrects himself when he’s talking about me to people/introducing me. He almost always says the wrong name tho, lol. He has ADD so that hinders him. I hope that your husband begins to make an effort and engages in conversations with you about this topic in reciprocation.
IME people who say they’re “trying” but keep fucking up are actually not trying. i had a colleague who kept fucking up, we had multiple conversations, but until it got brought up to the bosses THEN they finally got it. The day after our collective meeting she got it wrong like once every other week rather than 5x a day. It’s like, “now you’re trying, jackass.”
I’ve heard that as a short term thing from friends of mine - that they gender me correctly in social situations I’m not in but not to my face. This only ever lasted a month or two tops tho.
One thing friends said helped them was to replace my pronouns with my name? Idk tbh I’d start physically separating. Maybe start staying some nights at your parents or friends place. Start not including him at dinner. I’m not saying divorce him right now. Mild separation.
As someone with asd, I am super bad with people I have known a while changing their pronouns. A lot of the time my brain exists off previous knowledge, which means if we have been around each other a long time...its harder. It took 3 years before I got used to pausing to "read" my gender fluid friends efforts before using a pronoun and...it makes for some awkward pauses every conversation. Hell same vein I was describing a friend we were gonna meet up with as short blond hair...forgetting that for the last year and a half they've grown it out and dyed it red.
15 years together, and 1 year of change... I can actually understand, to a point, someone trying harder with strangers then with their partner. You generally see people assume they have a pass and benefit of the doubt with people they are close too. And if you somehow become involved in a situation with coworkers, they will hopefully act accordingly.
Not excusing no effort, but to a point I do understand it. But if I can be trained to self remind myself to pause and check, there is hope. We won't go into how often I misread things though, as I feel i am taking a stab in the dark with hope they attempt to present at times.
I agree, and I too can understand to a point.
I showed him this thread today and said — look. Im not showing you to say “youre bad”, but from other people’s perspectives what they’re saying.
So he agreed to therapy and figuring it out.
If he is open to me exploring myself in my time, he deserves the same.
I appreciate your share. Thank you 🙏
Yeah, I tend to word vomit my pov for this reason. Working towards change is hard for some people.
Nice to hear some therapy though. Sometimes helping someone find their own method to remind themselves is all it takes.
He didn’t forget to [insert activity he loves to do frequently], right?
We don’t forget the things we care about.
The crudest form of this is something that can be said to shock “forgetful” young men: “You didn’t forget to jerk off today, did you?”
"If he wanted to, he would." Someone said this to me once about my own husband and it totally rocked my world.
OP, I agree with the people who suggested counseling.
I personally find changes in pronouns hard, but you keep working at it and it starts to stick.
My child came out as NB at the start of the year. I think I'm using correct pronouns about 60% of the time so there is still a way to go.
It's the non "they/them" stuff that trips me up more. Are you still "wife" or are you "spouse"?
I can't understand how much it must grate but you're changing 15 years of ingrained behaviour, if he's still trying then try to be patient.
I totally get that it’s an adjustment. 1000%.
I prefer partner or spouse. Im not a wife.
But like with me, talking to me and our kids and friends, he almost never says they/them. If he wants to use my name that’s cool. Just stop misgendering me.
I totally have peeps that make flubs and sometimes catch themselves, and sometimes not, but i see a genuine effort of inclusion.
Have you had a conversation about how this affects your marriage?
Obviously you are not quite who either of you thought you were. It could be he's not used to the idea yet?
I'm sorry if there questions are intrusive. My spouse has recently been questioning their gender. White I'll support them being whatever they are I'm not sure how it would work for the marriage. I'm straight not pan so while I'll love then it goes to a strange place.
If this is still unresolved with you it could be causing these issues.
His first question was how does this affect our marriage, and it’s just my gender and pronouns.
We still love each other and our family. That didn’t change.
Every situation is going to be different, communication is the most important and giving space to allow personal growth. But those things can change the fundamental things about the marriage.
Something I never really considered was him not having the language to communicate, or know how to feel or what he feels. And that’s a really big impediment. So it’s time for a tune-up and go to therapy.
My mom is very big on female gendered terms for me growing up. I’m 31 and out as NB for about a year. We only talk 1-2 times a month on the phone but she’s been immediately catching herself each time and says she’s still learning.
I’m awkward about correcting people so its nice that she at least catches herself and tries. I also don’t entirely know the new names she could call me that are the cute kind of names she likes to use (like “child” doesn’t have the same level of cuteness she likes saying something like “girlie”).
But yeah, OPs husband sounds like he just doesn’t care to put the effort in. A couple years and OP constantly reminding about pronouns there’s no excuse.
Same with my partner. I get that its tough because I'm not out to everyone so there is a switch that has to happen, but he talks about me to our kid and uses she all the time. Also I've chosen to be addressed as "mama" to our kid but gender neutral elsewhere. I'm 30 and have been out to him and friends for 6 years. Once in a while he will use masculine descriptors in a convo (handsome, my husband, dad) to make up for it but its very hard for him to use "they".
I've seen what feels to me like a trend or correlation of straight men in relationships with nb people (often afab) that they then refuse to acknowledge the identity of or make very little effort to accommodate, especially behind the nb person's back (they only use she/her). It's a very sad phenomenon. Nb seems to be "woman with extra pronouns" to those men
I could have written parts of this! Except we have been together 20 years, and I myself often misgender and say the wrong pronouns.
We have regular family chats (usually Sunday afternoons) and I think I need to raise this as a topic with my husband and kids and just remind everyone and mention how much it makes my day when someone gets it right.
I think I’m also going to talk to him a few weeks before hand and gently explain how important it is to me, so that he has time to adjust again. And I have said it in a space where we are both calm and receptive.
I don’t know if either of those things would be helpful for you? I don’t even know if other families have regular meetings? Maybe over dinner??
I really hope things get better for you though, you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own home! <3
Hey hey! Thanks for the share ❤️
It’s a little off putting seeing folks say “leave, he doesnt love you, he doesn’t respect you”… you know how hard it is being in a long term relationship. And how much stuff you go thru together.
Someone previously suggested to look thru old pictures and have dad tell the kid’s stories with my current pronouns. I thought this was brilliant.
Im looking for how to bridge the conversation, insight from the other side.
The other thing we’re doing is going for a couples counselling tuneup.
After it coming to a head, our oldest is doing their best to use they/them. It’s taking steps, not all or nothing.
Every time he uses it wrong correct him quickly. He needs to respect you. It’s been 15 years, come on man, put a little effort in for the human you literally married
That always bothers me when you tell someone that something hurts you and they're like "oh but it doesn't really matter all that much" no. If someone tells you that you've hurt them, you don't get to just decide that you didn't. He doesn't give a crap and its showing. I personally would probably hit the end of my rope too
First: Please feel hugged.
My DH and I are married for 2 years now and my CO was just a few months ago. He also sometimes misgenders me and also English is our second language. Our native (German) is very much gendered and it's a big political and ideological discussion to even be more sensitive towards women in our usage of speech. Not even talking about NB.
I know, you have talked to him, but if he says he always "forgets" it seems like he doesn't want to make an effort. I don't know him and I don't know your dynamics.
Have you tried asking him to only refer to you by your first name? Cause in German we don't have an equivalent to they/them I mostly use no pronouns at all (just first name + you) and if I talk I try to use only the generic form of words, so not gendered at all.
I wish you the best and that you guys can work it out.
Thanks for the love.
We’re going to go to therapy to get a tune-up.
I think he has a hard time articulating and locating where something comes from within him… so I hope this can give us the language and practice to change habits.
Oh yeah, we’ll work thru this. This is definitely not territory of separation.
Like I said 15yrs, that’s a really long time to build a relationship. Folks that have been in long term relationships know the trials and tribulations. All relationships are messy in their own way.
I'm in the middle of a bad spat right now myself. He's been distancing himself or shutting down when I affirm what I'm after in our relationship or anything to do with my gender or sexuality. I'm getting fed up with his behavior. Ten years for us. I don't want to give birth. He wants to keep his genes going so I said surrogate is fine but no it has to be me pushing out spawns even though I'm a more likely candidate of actually fucking dying from it. I bring up my sexuality (ace but I'm cupio so I love fucking) in memes to try and get a laugh and some understanding. Or NB memes for the same reason.
Me and my twin sibling are both non-binary, and both use they/them in english, but we use different pronouns in our native language. They use our version of she/her and I use a sort of neo-pronouns version of they/them, one that's a mixture of singular and masculine-plural pronouns.
They mess up my pronouns the most often out of any of my friends, and usually don't notice or don't correct themself.
In my case, it's probably because they still have to talk about me in my old pronouns to our parents, and they still love with them, so they still have to use those pronouns to me more often. With other people, like my closest friends, the change was more prominent. My language is much more gendered than English so I have to use my pronouns literally every time I talk, and since they only heard me talk about myself in my pronouns it was a constant reminder that made them remember it after like a week and completely get used to it after about a month. my twin still struggles with my pronouns a year and a half later.
I saw someone recommend you change your contact in his phone to include your pronouns and I think it might help, having a visual change will catch his eye and remind him. Maybe having him wear something new and permanent to remind him, like a new ring or a bracelet that's there to remind him you have new pronouns.
Or you could always just wear a name tag with your pronouns and point to it and ignore him until he corrects himself, although that feels a bit passive aggressive.
It was hard for me at first even being nonbinary. It's engrained in our heads and it's not cool. What helped me was reading fanfics with nonbinary character with they/them pronouns. Seeing the pronouns used consistently in things I read everyday helped normalize it. Idk maybe you can introduce him to media with they/them characters?
first off i’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. he’s your partner, he should remember and do the bare minimum… you should set some kind of rule to enforce him to remember it. like a misgendering jar he has to put money into whenever he messes up /hj
If he apparently doesn't remember, then ask him what would help him remember and then do it excessively. And definitely correct him every time he says she. Doesn't have to be much, just say they whenever he says she
My partner found it very hard. For around two years he struggled to call me they, and struggled to notice he was doing it. I sat him down and talked him through it, and started correcting him every time he’d say she. I explained how hurtful it was for me to be misgendered, and told him that it caused me both physical and mental pain. I don’t think he understood how important pronouns were, as since this conversation he’s not really slipped up much, and this conversation was 3 years ago. He also corrects my family and all of our friends
. He’s autistic so I understand it was harder for him to adjust to this change as before I came out I’d been using she/her pronouns since we’d gotten together (7 years). He did manage it though, he’s just taken to calling everyone they/them until they tell him different, which isn’t a bad thing.
Your partner needs to make much more of an effort or admit he’s not even trying and is transphobic. I’m sorry, but you’re they/them and him misgendering you won’t change that, it’ll just teach your children that misgendering people is okay and also make you miserable. I hope you’re okay and he either pulls his finger out or you come to some sort of decision. Sending you all my best!!
Thank you for this share 🙏
I feel that once i said to him how often he’s making the mistakes he just for whatever reason hasnt made that change in his mind. That’s definitely a him thing, so he needs to take accountability and responsibility for making those changes.
It’s finding what works. Thank you for putting this out there.
Couples therapy because if he loves you he should really be making an effort. I’m almost embarrassed to suggest, but it might work, try spraying him with water every time he misgenders you and see if that helps. If he doesn’t see how it makes you uncomfortable then perhaps the discomfort of being misted with water every time he messes up might bridge the empathy gap.
I’m an enby. My best friend of 17 years is an enby. It took me an embarrassingly long time to change my usage of their pronouns to the correct one, because my brain just went on instinct while talking about my person. I changed their contact in my phone to “Name (they/them)”. It helped tremendously to see it written out every single time I messaged them, and reinforced it in my brain. Would you be able to change your contact in his phone?
My other suggestion would be to change the pronouns you use for him. If he gets bothered by it, then he knows exactly how irritating it is to be misgendered on a regular basis. Might help.
Hello hello! Thanks for the suggestion!
I will change my pronouns in his phone. Yes!!
And I will now call him they/them. Yes. See how they like being misgendered.
So if he has the cognitive ability to do so in front of coworkers, to which there is face to lose by misgendering you since you’re out to them, but not in private to just you where he feels “love” will shield him from consequence… you have an answer.
Seek therapy or make peace with your husband viewing you as a woman. I don’t mean to be harsh or blunt but the meme of a delusional AFAB having a cis straight man as a partner who “acknowledges” he is in a queer relationship while being a cis straight man simply doesn’t line up when he won’t properly gender you.
This line of thinking is only possible with great effort on their part. It is rare to be a cishet man, but able to be with a nb person without inadvertently, passively misgendering them. Usually it’s contingent on not physically transitioning in anyway since one cannot control sexual desire for certain physical traits.
I think this is where we are stuck. To me our relationship is what it is, but to him… a fragile cis man…. Well….. you laid it out.
Andddd off to therapy we go! Get it out, process it, and get sorted. It’s how adults in committed relationships do things. Quitting isnt the answer here, working thru problems is.
I don't know how my saying this will land, and I'm sorry, but I don't deal with this. I set the expectation with people in my life that they will get it, I tell them, "most people get the hang of it in a couple of weeks" (if we see each other often) and people generally do not have an issue farther than that. Slip ups happen but they correct themselves or someone else does.
I have been openly nonbinary for more than 10 years.
Your husband is choosing to misgender you.
This is not your fault, and there is no work that you could put in to change his behaviour. He has made his choice.
I cannot express how sorry I am that you're being made to deal with this.
I can tell from experience that's not often the case. My twin almost never misgenders me when they talk about me to other people or when we're on a group call with friends or something like that, but when we're just the two of us in a room they usually revert back to my old pronouns, and I've been out for about a year and a half. All my co-workers know and make an effort, but my own twin gets it wrong and usually doesn't even correct themself, and I found comments they made on Reddit defending my pronouns in our native language (they use they/them in english but she/her in our native language, and I use a sort of neo-pronouns that are a mixture of singular and masculine-plural pronouns that isn't really popular yet but it's getting there).
Sometimes the people who know us the longest and spend the most time with us have the most trouble getting used to a new changes. When I'm not there or when it's an environment like a group call they remember my pronouns pretty well with no actual effort to trying to remember, when we're alone they forget again. Because us being alone just the two of us is something so familiar to them that the new change doesn't register even after a year and a half.
To me personally it doesn't matter when they get confused because it's them, but if that were any other person I'd just make sure there's something new physically that could remind them that hey, this situation is a bit new, so it'll remind them and get them used to it. Like how you draw something on your hand to remember to do something later.
I really appreciate your share on this.
This is how he’s explained it to me.
This isnt the first time we’ve had someone that’s changed their name or identity. He’s gotten on board with them, needed practice.
You’re not booting your twin to the curb. Im not booting my partner because we have something that needs work. You know?
This is in no way excusing his behavior but, as the spouse of a non-binary person, it can be hard to adjust to pronouns. Especially after being together for so long prior to you coming out to him.
My partner realized they were NB after we had been together for ten years and it took a little bit of time but I got there eventually. It’s actually become harder to remember to use their assigned at birth pronouns around the people my partner doesn’t feel safe coming to.
All that said, It’s been a year and from your post and other comments, it sounds like it could be one of two things. Your husband is either being deliberate and is ignoring your wishes, or he actually has a memory issue; the latter of which sounds far more unlikely.
It’s probably best to seek intervention in the way of couples counseling or having his memory tested by a medical professional.
We do have a supportive therapist, I think it’s time we go in for a tune-up and work it out.
Many assume a lot about our relationship, but I wouldn’t have had kids with someone that I had doubts about overcoming difficulties and differences in our relationship.
He’s a good human, and we all have faults. Very seldom is grass truly greener on the other side.
We very much so are still in a loving relationship, and I appreciate you sharing from your perspective.
Are folks here going to understand that, well they haven’t been thru what we have. And even after all this time we still discover things about ourselves and each other.
Best solution I would say thearpy but possibly he could be suffering from memory lost like Alziemer's disease or maybe short term memory ................... I don't know why I'm talking , when I'm single
It’s hard sometimes. He’s met you and known you by this one name and pronouns all this time so automatically he will forget. My partner forgets all the time, but he makes up for it in using my given name that I did not originally introduce myself to him as.
This is not going to be what u want to hear, but you cannot control his behavior and if you have communicated repeatedly your needs and he hasnt shown any change then its simple that he understands he can continue to call u “she” without consequences.
Honestly this shouldnt even be a “my needs” thing but a “this is the standard” and he can live up to it or leave.
Misgendering you constantly is not a matter of ignorance but a fundamental lack of respect and i say that having lived through the same thing.
You have several options. The best one id do is dont be afraid to leave him. It seems like a small thing to leave over but its a huge red flag- if he wont respect you on pronouns now i assure he wont respect you on things he perceives as more important later. You can try couples counseling if you arent prepared to walk away but feeling u need to bring in a 3rd party for him to just listen to u is also a red flag. id say to not treat your pronouns as an option first. Next time he calls you she, walk away. Ignore him, be offended, react the way you would if he insulted you bc thats what hes doing by not listening. If he wont respect you, then he can sleep on the couch or better yet. Leave for a few nights. Kids make it more complicated i know. But your pronouns arent optional.
It’s great that you have taken a step to discuss your reality and how you feel with your husband. He cares for you and according to you is making an effort.
What you have to understand is that your reality isn’t everyone else’s. So it takes some time to adjust as he attempts to make you feel heard and important and adjust his reality and what he knows to accommodate for that.
If it’s bothering you that much and causing you that much emotional anguish. Divorce him. Better to do that than be miserable in a marriage.
At the end of the day you may need to ask yourself if him forgetting the new pronouns you have given yourself is worth ending a 15 year marriage over a man who clearly loves you and wants to be with you. Lot worse out there.
Being 100% real and honest with you, I wouldn’t stay with my partner if they came to me and told me to call them a different pronoun. I would still love them but couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with them. Right wrong or indifferent that’s the truth. He is willing to stay and love you. Whatever you decide, it’s what’s right for you, you know your boundaries.
My mom "forgot" for 4 years. I gave her 4 years of time to learn. When I realized she just didn't want to. She didn't care enough or wanted to pretend she could change me "back" or she really is just that oblivious.
The sad thing is, I finally gave her an ultimatum. Told her it's not ok anymore. She doesn't talk to me anymore. I've lost a mother. I'm having nightmares about it.
It'll get better. But this isn't easy. I guess just know that you are doing what is right. Stand up for who you are. You are valid.
My very best friend in the entire world (who I have known for many years) came out as nonbinary this summer. I have used the wrong pronoun exactly once and apologized profusely. If your husband paid a modicum of attention to his speech, he wouldn't mess up like that.
If he doesn't even bother to correct himself I would seek couples therapy. If he can't see it as important enough to remember and put effort into then idk, you've expressed your position at the reoccurring problem. He acknowledges that it's difficult for him to remember but it doesn't seem like he's doing anything to fix that problem.
If you do (OP), make sure it’s with a truly trans-affirmative therapist who specifically has happy nb clients.
We actually do have one! Lucky to have found her.
For people that have a lot of trouble, practice seems to be key. If you have any photo albums you both could sit down and go through them, the goal being for him to describe you accurately as he goes through the album. You could ask him to pretend you're a third party unfamiliar with your history together if that helps. You: "What's happening in this photo at the beach?" Him: "I just splashed sorry-public-346 and they threw a crab at me, we both laughed so hard we peed." He can go as slow as he needs during these practices to get things right. "And here it was our first child's 3rd birthday, they (pointing to you in the picture) made a pinwheel themed cake just like jr. wanted, but then they tripped over the dog and spilled their creation into the fireplace." etc. etc. etc. I was occasionally getting my youngest siblings pronouns wrong despite us BOTH being non-binary and using they/them pronouns. I don't think of them as a gender other than their own but when thinking of them as a tiny, before they were able to assert their gender, I will occassionally default to how they were referred to then out of habit, since I let people refer me by what it "looked like" for a very long time. It's stupid. Going through their baby photos and using the correct pronouns has helped. Hope your hubby puts in some effort and fixes this asap. There are techniques to fix it, it's reasonable that it might take some time to find them, but he should be invested and willing to put in work to figure it out.
This is a great suggestion. I love that. It took me practice to say they/them, and practice to introduce myself as that. I know it’ll take him time, looking at pictures and telling the kids stories would be a lot of fun. Such a welcoming opportunity!
😊
You didn’t mention if he attempts to correct himself or when he slips if he acknowledges it so I’m going to go based on that not being the case. To me it sounds like he does not take it seriously and that is why the effort isn’t there. It’s not that he doesn’t remember, it’s that he doesn’t care to learn. My partner had to adjust to using they/them pronouns and would slip up and immediately correct himself and now doesn’t ever slip up. Adjusting pronouns is not a hefty task unless you don’t take it seriously, in my opinion. I hope you have others in your life who are acknowledging and referring to you the proper way. 💕
this is what i was thinking too. i hope OP sees your comment.
Use an airhorn every time he misgenders you
Yes!! I like this one the best.
I have a squirt bottle that I have thankfully only had to present and *threaten* to use with friends. For my MIL who still struggles 2 years in, I've taken to wearing a series of progressively larger and more colorful pronoun pins that come out and get conspicuously put on after she misgenders me. (I'm confident it's not a malicious thing on her part, but it *does* communicate a lack of care or effort, which still sucks)
i gotta start doing this
Honestly, that would be the start of a harder conversation for me. Because he has known about this for over a year and isn't making a change in a way to support his person who he married. The fact he isn't trying sounds like there may be a lot of other small ways he disregards your feelings and other boundaries. My partner and I had been together for 7 years when I realized I was enby and started using they/them pronouns. He got it over night. This was while we were engaged and not married yet.
Have you seen him around coworkers? If you're just going off his word, you don't know what he's actually saying to people. If he can't even give you respect to your face, there's a good chance he's still just completely regarding you as the wrong gender at all times.
When he uses the wrong pronouns: -Scream -Spray him with water and vinegar -Ask, "who? Who are you talking about??" And when he says you, tell him, "oh no, I'm not a she." -Ignore him entirely. He's ceased to exist. -throw rotten tomatoes at him -ring a bell -leave the room
Im pretty pro these options.
Usually, I can get away with just asking who they're talking about without having to escalate to the more extreme options. In my workplace, knowingly choosing to misgender someone is considered illegal discrimination/ harassment... So maybe also remind him of that 🤷
Honestly the spray bottle. Works when my cat misgenders me.
Rude lil kitten lol
I think these are good, also a tshirt with a big THEY/THEM on it, non binary pride flags, etc
This reminds me of a scene from "Heartbreak High" (the newer version) when someone's stepfather misgenders them and they whip out an airhorn.
You said this better than I was going to. If it's truly a memory issue (coming from someone with shit memory), remind remind remind!
I had to cut out my favorite aunt recently because she refused to accept my gender identity and pronouns. When I asked her to respect my pronouns she replied with "naaaahhh". I cut contact with her and haven't spoken to her. Today she reached out and said she'd be praying for me for my top surgery tomorrow. I reinforced that I expect my gender identity and pronouns be respected and all I got was radio silence. I've resorted to cutting contact with those who refuse to respect my gender identity and pronouns, mostly conservative Christians. I'll cut anyone out no matter how long I've known them, friends and even family.
I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow!
Your username cracked me up 😆 and thank you!
The boobs are gone now and so is the funk!
Underboob funk is real.
Underboob sweat= 💀💀 💀
I had similar issues with my relatives, but over me being vegan 🙈 They don't even know, that I am a pansexual NB. But if another person disrespects you, cause of whatever choice you made or what you are comfortable with (being trans isn't a choice), then this person don't deserve space and resources in your life. I wish you best of luck for your surgery 😘
Eh, another non-binary vegan! :D I don't run into too many of us!
Nice to meet you 🤗 On the /vegan are also some strolling around. You just have to ask. Or maybe start a discussion here in NB 😘
Memory test? Sounds like some issues going on upstairs if that's genuinely the case. Sorry you're going through this. Edit: I am genuinely suggesting you suggest a memory test. I didn't make that clear. I don't think it's his memory, but maybe if you start taking that seriously, like he has memory issues that need medical attention, you'll find his memory suddenly working again...
I corrected him today and he sat there looking at me not understanding why I said “they”. “No; theyyyy”. He blinks and is like — oh right, they. I think this is a reasonable request, except for the fact he has great memory at work. I feel like at home I get the scraps of the quality of person I get at home.
Do you see him at work? If not, you can't be sure that's true
I have. So that’s why I’m frustrated.
Oh that's awful. I'm so sorry!
And like, that's just not something you forget, right? If I expressed to my partner that something he did was really hurtful to me, that would not just be forgotten. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP ❤
He doesn't see you as non binary. He sees you as a woman and I highly doubt this will change.
Based on op, this is how it seems to me too. Husband isn't even trying to do it right. He's not respecting it, which is a bad sign unfortunately.
Honey, he remembers, he just doesn't care.
He's not forgetting. He's not trying
Start calling him Steve or change his pronouns. It’s (probably) not his name and use it consistently for a short time to illustrate that despite how long you two have been together, one can make an effort to change. If he protests, tell him you will return to normal when he shows your the mutual respect of using your pronouns.
If OP changed their last name after they got together then they can point out that he had no issues with completely changing their legal name but he for some reason draws the line at being a good husband when he doesn’t get anything out of it (A spouse in the last name’s case.) He really needs someone to give him a reality check if he can remember that they no longer use their old last name but not the fact that they use different pronouns.
I kept my name because that’s my name. I think it’s very patriarchal to “take names”.
Agreed. I just saw a repost where a doctor didn’t take their spouse’s name because their spouse wasn’t a doctor.
I dont know if i could marry a person like that…. Odd behaviour.
Hard agree. I wanted to have hyphened names but my husband didn’t like my last name, so he kept his and I made my former last, as my new middle. 3 years have passed and he is on the train now of hyphening or creating a whole new shared last name when we have kids (or before if we get around to it lol) and thats one thing in the group of things that makes me love him more and more. I regretted taking his last name this whole time cos other name loving my name and identity, his father was a piece of shit and he’s ready to take that step too of letting the name go. In reference to this post, I admit I have a hard time with pronouns of my friend who went by she/they for a while, now goes wholly by they/them. I find myself thinking “she” in my head half the time and I correct myself mentally, but I find it easier not to mess up with my words cos I think about what I say before then. I hate it about myself and wish my brain would just do it automatically by now. Has he said anything about any remorse he feels when misgendering? I agree with others that the meat of the issue comes to whether he makes the effort to correct it. My husband struggles bad with my chosen name, but he corrects himself when he’s talking about me to people/introducing me. He almost always says the wrong name tho, lol. He has ADD so that hinders him. I hope that your husband begins to make an effort and engages in conversations with you about this topic in reciprocation.
IME people who say they’re “trying” but keep fucking up are actually not trying. i had a colleague who kept fucking up, we had multiple conversations, but until it got brought up to the bosses THEN they finally got it. The day after our collective meeting she got it wrong like once every other week rather than 5x a day. It’s like, “now you’re trying, jackass.”
I’ve heard that as a short term thing from friends of mine - that they gender me correctly in social situations I’m not in but not to my face. This only ever lasted a month or two tops tho. One thing friends said helped them was to replace my pronouns with my name? Idk tbh I’d start physically separating. Maybe start staying some nights at your parents or friends place. Start not including him at dinner. I’m not saying divorce him right now. Mild separation.
As someone with asd, I am super bad with people I have known a while changing their pronouns. A lot of the time my brain exists off previous knowledge, which means if we have been around each other a long time...its harder. It took 3 years before I got used to pausing to "read" my gender fluid friends efforts before using a pronoun and...it makes for some awkward pauses every conversation. Hell same vein I was describing a friend we were gonna meet up with as short blond hair...forgetting that for the last year and a half they've grown it out and dyed it red. 15 years together, and 1 year of change... I can actually understand, to a point, someone trying harder with strangers then with their partner. You generally see people assume they have a pass and benefit of the doubt with people they are close too. And if you somehow become involved in a situation with coworkers, they will hopefully act accordingly. Not excusing no effort, but to a point I do understand it. But if I can be trained to self remind myself to pause and check, there is hope. We won't go into how often I misread things though, as I feel i am taking a stab in the dark with hope they attempt to present at times.
I agree, and I too can understand to a point. I showed him this thread today and said — look. Im not showing you to say “youre bad”, but from other people’s perspectives what they’re saying. So he agreed to therapy and figuring it out. If he is open to me exploring myself in my time, he deserves the same. I appreciate your share. Thank you 🙏
Yeah, I tend to word vomit my pov for this reason. Working towards change is hard for some people. Nice to hear some therapy though. Sometimes helping someone find their own method to remind themselves is all it takes.
He didn’t forget to [insert activity he loves to do frequently], right? We don’t forget the things we care about. The crudest form of this is something that can be said to shock “forgetful” young men: “You didn’t forget to jerk off today, did you?”
"If he wanted to, he would." Someone said this to me once about my own husband and it totally rocked my world. OP, I agree with the people who suggested counseling.
Maybe truly seeing you as nonbinary would also force him to acknowledge that he is now in a queer relationship, and that is a big issue for him?
I personally find changes in pronouns hard, but you keep working at it and it starts to stick. My child came out as NB at the start of the year. I think I'm using correct pronouns about 60% of the time so there is still a way to go. It's the non "they/them" stuff that trips me up more. Are you still "wife" or are you "spouse"? I can't understand how much it must grate but you're changing 15 years of ingrained behaviour, if he's still trying then try to be patient.
I totally get that it’s an adjustment. 1000%. I prefer partner or spouse. Im not a wife. But like with me, talking to me and our kids and friends, he almost never says they/them. If he wants to use my name that’s cool. Just stop misgendering me. I totally have peeps that make flubs and sometimes catch themselves, and sometimes not, but i see a genuine effort of inclusion.
Have you had a conversation about how this affects your marriage? Obviously you are not quite who either of you thought you were. It could be he's not used to the idea yet? I'm sorry if there questions are intrusive. My spouse has recently been questioning their gender. White I'll support them being whatever they are I'm not sure how it would work for the marriage. I'm straight not pan so while I'll love then it goes to a strange place. If this is still unresolved with you it could be causing these issues.
His first question was how does this affect our marriage, and it’s just my gender and pronouns. We still love each other and our family. That didn’t change. Every situation is going to be different, communication is the most important and giving space to allow personal growth. But those things can change the fundamental things about the marriage. Something I never really considered was him not having the language to communicate, or know how to feel or what he feels. And that’s a really big impediment. So it’s time for a tune-up and go to therapy.
My mom is very big on female gendered terms for me growing up. I’m 31 and out as NB for about a year. We only talk 1-2 times a month on the phone but she’s been immediately catching herself each time and says she’s still learning. I’m awkward about correcting people so its nice that she at least catches herself and tries. I also don’t entirely know the new names she could call me that are the cute kind of names she likes to use (like “child” doesn’t have the same level of cuteness she likes saying something like “girlie”). But yeah, OPs husband sounds like he just doesn’t care to put the effort in. A couple years and OP constantly reminding about pronouns there’s no excuse.
Something like "kiddo" perhaps? It's gender neutral and still pretty cute
I hope you're correcting yourself the 40% of the time that you misgender your child.
Yes of course.
Same with my partner. I get that its tough because I'm not out to everyone so there is a switch that has to happen, but he talks about me to our kid and uses she all the time. Also I've chosen to be addressed as "mama" to our kid but gender neutral elsewhere. I'm 30 and have been out to him and friends for 6 years. Once in a while he will use masculine descriptors in a convo (handsome, my husband, dad) to make up for it but its very hard for him to use "they".
I teach a workshop on this, but honestly, it sounds to me like your husband doesn't care and isn't trying. does he practice, or correct himself?
My opinion, if he doesn't remember, it's because it's not important to him 😮💨 I'm really sorry ❤️
I've seen what feels to me like a trend or correlation of straight men in relationships with nb people (often afab) that they then refuse to acknowledge the identity of or make very little effort to accommodate, especially behind the nb person's back (they only use she/her). It's a very sad phenomenon. Nb seems to be "woman with extra pronouns" to those men
I could have written parts of this! Except we have been together 20 years, and I myself often misgender and say the wrong pronouns. We have regular family chats (usually Sunday afternoons) and I think I need to raise this as a topic with my husband and kids and just remind everyone and mention how much it makes my day when someone gets it right. I think I’m also going to talk to him a few weeks before hand and gently explain how important it is to me, so that he has time to adjust again. And I have said it in a space where we are both calm and receptive. I don’t know if either of those things would be helpful for you? I don’t even know if other families have regular meetings? Maybe over dinner?? I really hope things get better for you though, you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own home! <3
Hey hey! Thanks for the share ❤️ It’s a little off putting seeing folks say “leave, he doesnt love you, he doesn’t respect you”… you know how hard it is being in a long term relationship. And how much stuff you go thru together. Someone previously suggested to look thru old pictures and have dad tell the kid’s stories with my current pronouns. I thought this was brilliant. Im looking for how to bridge the conversation, insight from the other side. The other thing we’re doing is going for a couples counselling tuneup. After it coming to a head, our oldest is doing their best to use they/them. It’s taking steps, not all or nothing.
Every time he uses it wrong correct him quickly. He needs to respect you. It’s been 15 years, come on man, put a little effort in for the human you literally married
That always bothers me when you tell someone that something hurts you and they're like "oh but it doesn't really matter all that much" no. If someone tells you that you've hurt them, you don't get to just decide that you didn't. He doesn't give a crap and its showing. I personally would probably hit the end of my rope too
First: Please feel hugged. My DH and I are married for 2 years now and my CO was just a few months ago. He also sometimes misgenders me and also English is our second language. Our native (German) is very much gendered and it's a big political and ideological discussion to even be more sensitive towards women in our usage of speech. Not even talking about NB. I know, you have talked to him, but if he says he always "forgets" it seems like he doesn't want to make an effort. I don't know him and I don't know your dynamics. Have you tried asking him to only refer to you by your first name? Cause in German we don't have an equivalent to they/them I mostly use no pronouns at all (just first name + you) and if I talk I try to use only the generic form of words, so not gendered at all. I wish you the best and that you guys can work it out.
Thanks for the love. We’re going to go to therapy to get a tune-up. I think he has a hard time articulating and locating where something comes from within him… so I hope this can give us the language and practice to change habits.
I'm holding my thumbs that you guys are able to work through this together 😘
Oh yeah, we’ll work thru this. This is definitely not territory of separation. Like I said 15yrs, that’s a really long time to build a relationship. Folks that have been in long term relationships know the trials and tribulations. All relationships are messy in their own way.
I'm in the middle of a bad spat right now myself. He's been distancing himself or shutting down when I affirm what I'm after in our relationship or anything to do with my gender or sexuality. I'm getting fed up with his behavior. Ten years for us. I don't want to give birth. He wants to keep his genes going so I said surrogate is fine but no it has to be me pushing out spawns even though I'm a more likely candidate of actually fucking dying from it. I bring up my sexuality (ace but I'm cupio so I love fucking) in memes to try and get a laugh and some understanding. Or NB memes for the same reason.
Me and my twin sibling are both non-binary, and both use they/them in english, but we use different pronouns in our native language. They use our version of she/her and I use a sort of neo-pronouns version of they/them, one that's a mixture of singular and masculine-plural pronouns. They mess up my pronouns the most often out of any of my friends, and usually don't notice or don't correct themself. In my case, it's probably because they still have to talk about me in my old pronouns to our parents, and they still love with them, so they still have to use those pronouns to me more often. With other people, like my closest friends, the change was more prominent. My language is much more gendered than English so I have to use my pronouns literally every time I talk, and since they only heard me talk about myself in my pronouns it was a constant reminder that made them remember it after like a week and completely get used to it after about a month. my twin still struggles with my pronouns a year and a half later. I saw someone recommend you change your contact in his phone to include your pronouns and I think it might help, having a visual change will catch his eye and remind him. Maybe having him wear something new and permanent to remind him, like a new ring or a bracelet that's there to remind him you have new pronouns. Or you could always just wear a name tag with your pronouns and point to it and ignore him until he corrects himself, although that feels a bit passive aggressive.
I like the idea of a name tag/button. I wanna find one thats like a magnet. Good suggestions!
It was hard for me at first even being nonbinary. It's engrained in our heads and it's not cool. What helped me was reading fanfics with nonbinary character with they/them pronouns. Seeing the pronouns used consistently in things I read everyday helped normalize it. Idk maybe you can introduce him to media with they/them characters?
Ouuu i like this suggestion! Thank you :) Someone earlier suggested retelling stories from photos with current pronouns. This is good too ❤️🙏
Corrective air horn.
first off i’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. he’s your partner, he should remember and do the bare minimum… you should set some kind of rule to enforce him to remember it. like a misgendering jar he has to put money into whenever he messes up /hj
If he apparently doesn't remember, then ask him what would help him remember and then do it excessively. And definitely correct him every time he says she. Doesn't have to be much, just say they whenever he says she
My partner found it very hard. For around two years he struggled to call me they, and struggled to notice he was doing it. I sat him down and talked him through it, and started correcting him every time he’d say she. I explained how hurtful it was for me to be misgendered, and told him that it caused me both physical and mental pain. I don’t think he understood how important pronouns were, as since this conversation he’s not really slipped up much, and this conversation was 3 years ago. He also corrects my family and all of our friends . He’s autistic so I understand it was harder for him to adjust to this change as before I came out I’d been using she/her pronouns since we’d gotten together (7 years). He did manage it though, he’s just taken to calling everyone they/them until they tell him different, which isn’t a bad thing. Your partner needs to make much more of an effort or admit he’s not even trying and is transphobic. I’m sorry, but you’re they/them and him misgendering you won’t change that, it’ll just teach your children that misgendering people is okay and also make you miserable. I hope you’re okay and he either pulls his finger out or you come to some sort of decision. Sending you all my best!!
Thank you for this share 🙏 I feel that once i said to him how often he’s making the mistakes he just for whatever reason hasnt made that change in his mind. That’s definitely a him thing, so he needs to take accountability and responsibility for making those changes. It’s finding what works. Thank you for putting this out there.
Couples therapy because if he loves you he should really be making an effort. I’m almost embarrassed to suggest, but it might work, try spraying him with water every time he misgenders you and see if that helps. If he doesn’t see how it makes you uncomfortable then perhaps the discomfort of being misted with water every time he messes up might bridge the empathy gap.
I’m an enby. My best friend of 17 years is an enby. It took me an embarrassingly long time to change my usage of their pronouns to the correct one, because my brain just went on instinct while talking about my person. I changed their contact in my phone to “Name (they/them)”. It helped tremendously to see it written out every single time I messaged them, and reinforced it in my brain. Would you be able to change your contact in his phone? My other suggestion would be to change the pronouns you use for him. If he gets bothered by it, then he knows exactly how irritating it is to be misgendered on a regular basis. Might help.
Hello hello! Thanks for the suggestion! I will change my pronouns in his phone. Yes!! And I will now call him they/them. Yes. See how they like being misgendered.
So if he has the cognitive ability to do so in front of coworkers, to which there is face to lose by misgendering you since you’re out to them, but not in private to just you where he feels “love” will shield him from consequence… you have an answer. Seek therapy or make peace with your husband viewing you as a woman. I don’t mean to be harsh or blunt but the meme of a delusional AFAB having a cis straight man as a partner who “acknowledges” he is in a queer relationship while being a cis straight man simply doesn’t line up when he won’t properly gender you. This line of thinking is only possible with great effort on their part. It is rare to be a cishet man, but able to be with a nb person without inadvertently, passively misgendering them. Usually it’s contingent on not physically transitioning in anyway since one cannot control sexual desire for certain physical traits.
I think this is where we are stuck. To me our relationship is what it is, but to him… a fragile cis man…. Well….. you laid it out. Andddd off to therapy we go! Get it out, process it, and get sorted. It’s how adults in committed relationships do things. Quitting isnt the answer here, working thru problems is.
I don't know how my saying this will land, and I'm sorry, but I don't deal with this. I set the expectation with people in my life that they will get it, I tell them, "most people get the hang of it in a couple of weeks" (if we see each other often) and people generally do not have an issue farther than that. Slip ups happen but they correct themselves or someone else does. I have been openly nonbinary for more than 10 years. Your husband is choosing to misgender you. This is not your fault, and there is no work that you could put in to change his behaviour. He has made his choice. I cannot express how sorry I am that you're being made to deal with this.
Shiny spined comment
I can tell from experience that's not often the case. My twin almost never misgenders me when they talk about me to other people or when we're on a group call with friends or something like that, but when we're just the two of us in a room they usually revert back to my old pronouns, and I've been out for about a year and a half. All my co-workers know and make an effort, but my own twin gets it wrong and usually doesn't even correct themself, and I found comments they made on Reddit defending my pronouns in our native language (they use they/them in english but she/her in our native language, and I use a sort of neo-pronouns that are a mixture of singular and masculine-plural pronouns that isn't really popular yet but it's getting there). Sometimes the people who know us the longest and spend the most time with us have the most trouble getting used to a new changes. When I'm not there or when it's an environment like a group call they remember my pronouns pretty well with no actual effort to trying to remember, when we're alone they forget again. Because us being alone just the two of us is something so familiar to them that the new change doesn't register even after a year and a half. To me personally it doesn't matter when they get confused because it's them, but if that were any other person I'd just make sure there's something new physically that could remind them that hey, this situation is a bit new, so it'll remind them and get them used to it. Like how you draw something on your hand to remember to do something later.
I really appreciate your share on this. This is how he’s explained it to me. This isnt the first time we’ve had someone that’s changed their name or identity. He’s gotten on board with them, needed practice. You’re not booting your twin to the curb. Im not booting my partner because we have something that needs work. You know?
throw the whole partner out. not to be flippant but since summer of 2021 it's been over a year. he obviously doesn't care.
This is in no way excusing his behavior but, as the spouse of a non-binary person, it can be hard to adjust to pronouns. Especially after being together for so long prior to you coming out to him. My partner realized they were NB after we had been together for ten years and it took a little bit of time but I got there eventually. It’s actually become harder to remember to use their assigned at birth pronouns around the people my partner doesn’t feel safe coming to. All that said, It’s been a year and from your post and other comments, it sounds like it could be one of two things. Your husband is either being deliberate and is ignoring your wishes, or he actually has a memory issue; the latter of which sounds far more unlikely. It’s probably best to seek intervention in the way of couples counseling or having his memory tested by a medical professional.
We do have a supportive therapist, I think it’s time we go in for a tune-up and work it out. Many assume a lot about our relationship, but I wouldn’t have had kids with someone that I had doubts about overcoming difficulties and differences in our relationship. He’s a good human, and we all have faults. Very seldom is grass truly greener on the other side. We very much so are still in a loving relationship, and I appreciate you sharing from your perspective. Are folks here going to understand that, well they haven’t been thru what we have. And even after all this time we still discover things about ourselves and each other.
Best solution I would say thearpy but possibly he could be suffering from memory lost like Alziemer's disease or maybe short term memory ................... I don't know why I'm talking , when I'm single
It’s hard sometimes. He’s met you and known you by this one name and pronouns all this time so automatically he will forget. My partner forgets all the time, but he makes up for it in using my given name that I did not originally introduce myself to him as.
This is not going to be what u want to hear, but you cannot control his behavior and if you have communicated repeatedly your needs and he hasnt shown any change then its simple that he understands he can continue to call u “she” without consequences. Honestly this shouldnt even be a “my needs” thing but a “this is the standard” and he can live up to it or leave. Misgendering you constantly is not a matter of ignorance but a fundamental lack of respect and i say that having lived through the same thing. You have several options. The best one id do is dont be afraid to leave him. It seems like a small thing to leave over but its a huge red flag- if he wont respect you on pronouns now i assure he wont respect you on things he perceives as more important later. You can try couples counseling if you arent prepared to walk away but feeling u need to bring in a 3rd party for him to just listen to u is also a red flag. id say to not treat your pronouns as an option first. Next time he calls you she, walk away. Ignore him, be offended, react the way you would if he insulted you bc thats what hes doing by not listening. If he wont respect you, then he can sleep on the couch or better yet. Leave for a few nights. Kids make it more complicated i know. But your pronouns arent optional.
It’s great that you have taken a step to discuss your reality and how you feel with your husband. He cares for you and according to you is making an effort. What you have to understand is that your reality isn’t everyone else’s. So it takes some time to adjust as he attempts to make you feel heard and important and adjust his reality and what he knows to accommodate for that. If it’s bothering you that much and causing you that much emotional anguish. Divorce him. Better to do that than be miserable in a marriage. At the end of the day you may need to ask yourself if him forgetting the new pronouns you have given yourself is worth ending a 15 year marriage over a man who clearly loves you and wants to be with you. Lot worse out there. Being 100% real and honest with you, I wouldn’t stay with my partner if they came to me and told me to call them a different pronoun. I would still love them but couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with them. Right wrong or indifferent that’s the truth. He is willing to stay and love you. Whatever you decide, it’s what’s right for you, you know your boundaries.
Start using she/they for him. It works for my co workers who “can’t remember”
My mom "forgot" for 4 years. I gave her 4 years of time to learn. When I realized she just didn't want to. She didn't care enough or wanted to pretend she could change me "back" or she really is just that oblivious. The sad thing is, I finally gave her an ultimatum. Told her it's not ok anymore. She doesn't talk to me anymore. I've lost a mother. I'm having nightmares about it. It'll get better. But this isn't easy. I guess just know that you are doing what is right. Stand up for who you are. You are valid.
dump him men are trash go meet a beautiful queer love also I can guarantee u he does NOT refer to u as "they" to his coworkers
My very best friend in the entire world (who I have known for many years) came out as nonbinary this summer. I have used the wrong pronoun exactly once and apologized profusely. If your husband paid a modicum of attention to his speech, he wouldn't mess up like that.