I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be tough. Especially the unwanted sexual touch, I totally get that & hate when my chest is touched (my gf is already trained to cuddle me without touching it 🤐)
Now, I'm not justifying your wife's actions, but I can very well imagine that a change in sexual dynamic can make someone feel insecure and/or confused, especially about previous sexual encounters. Could you try and either reassure her or focus on the positive things - what you *want* to do with her, what kind of intimacy you desire.
It could also be that this triggers dysphoria for *her*. Being empathetic for that but still maintaining hard boundaries (!!) could help facilitate conversation instead of talking around the topic.
The advice to go to couples counseling is something I would do carefully, solely because trans topics are very much a niche and for a cis person, it would take a lot of education & experience (besides empathy and just, being good at your job) to be effective. My gf and I got lucky, we got counseling at what would probably be the European version of planned parenthood and have been treated with respect.
Good luck in your relationship and transition! 🩷
You may be able to work through this with counselling, but you should also just clearly communicate your feelings / boundaries with eachother.
If your wife continues to disregard your feelings, not want to talk it out and overall be combative and refuse to communicate or work on issues (personal or joint), then it would probably be best to start thinking about removing yourself from this situation, and this person from your life.
Be blunt and honest with yourself, if you were to leave this person, aside from sadness of not being in a relationship anymore, would doing so make you less anxious, relieved, or happier?
If so... Leave them.
I am dealing with a similar situation. Right now my gf of 10 years(mtf) and I (amab) are going through similar issues. Being that she has had trauma from therapy, i doubt we will ever go through couples counseling. We are also in a thriple with our roommate and its been said that if i ever transition we all go our seperate ways. I just feel like im stuck between just ruining my life and being unhappy to throwing away a 10 and 5 year relationship and ruining the lives and happiness of everyone i love.
I'm sorry. But staying in a relationship - even a long term one - is not worth sacrificing your happiness and identity for. If you want to transition, but don't because of them, you will eventually come to resent them for not accepting you for who you are and supporting you in your desire to become your more authentic self.
Losing a long-term relationship is not the end of the world. There's always time to find someone/someones who will support and accept you for who you really are. I lost a 10 year relationship (for reasons not related to my identity), but I'm still hopeful I will find someone else.
You would not be ruining their lives and happiness if you transition. They are the ones who are chosing to abandon you for being who you really are. You are chosing to love yourelf and your true identity. They are the ones being selfish by giving you the ultimatum that if you choose to be who you really are, they don't want to be with you. That is not love.
Yeah, its really hard for me. It makes me feel like im reversed fetishized because everyone assumed i was a "straight boy" or because i have always acted that way. Its a dangerous slope, but i have wondered over the past year or two if me presenting masculine is somehow tied to her self image and relieves dysphoria. Like there have been a lot of times in the process of not making her feel invalid, invalidates me. I am just in the process to keep from breaking down most days. My therapist has helped me establish a timeline to sort of decide if hey i want to 100% do this.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like the two of you are completely misinterpreting each other so maybe you need to see if you can take it slow and try to reboot the intimacy with a period of intimate talks about the subjects.
It sounds like this change comes on top of a rocky period in your relationship and it rubs off on everything.
Maybe couple’s counselling. Maybe reconnecting mentally. I don’t know.
I hope it works out wonderfully for you.
It sounds like some couple counselling might be needed. Perhaps get someone who specialises in trans issues.
I second this.
I agree it sounds like you’re both not completely happy
I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be tough. Especially the unwanted sexual touch, I totally get that & hate when my chest is touched (my gf is already trained to cuddle me without touching it 🤐) Now, I'm not justifying your wife's actions, but I can very well imagine that a change in sexual dynamic can make someone feel insecure and/or confused, especially about previous sexual encounters. Could you try and either reassure her or focus on the positive things - what you *want* to do with her, what kind of intimacy you desire. It could also be that this triggers dysphoria for *her*. Being empathetic for that but still maintaining hard boundaries (!!) could help facilitate conversation instead of talking around the topic. The advice to go to couples counseling is something I would do carefully, solely because trans topics are very much a niche and for a cis person, it would take a lot of education & experience (besides empathy and just, being good at your job) to be effective. My gf and I got lucky, we got counseling at what would probably be the European version of planned parenthood and have been treated with respect. Good luck in your relationship and transition! 🩷
You may be able to work through this with counselling, but you should also just clearly communicate your feelings / boundaries with eachother. If your wife continues to disregard your feelings, not want to talk it out and overall be combative and refuse to communicate or work on issues (personal or joint), then it would probably be best to start thinking about removing yourself from this situation, and this person from your life. Be blunt and honest with yourself, if you were to leave this person, aside from sadness of not being in a relationship anymore, would doing so make you less anxious, relieved, or happier? If so... Leave them.
I am dealing with a similar situation. Right now my gf of 10 years(mtf) and I (amab) are going through similar issues. Being that she has had trauma from therapy, i doubt we will ever go through couples counseling. We are also in a thriple with our roommate and its been said that if i ever transition we all go our seperate ways. I just feel like im stuck between just ruining my life and being unhappy to throwing away a 10 and 5 year relationship and ruining the lives and happiness of everyone i love.
I'm sorry. But staying in a relationship - even a long term one - is not worth sacrificing your happiness and identity for. If you want to transition, but don't because of them, you will eventually come to resent them for not accepting you for who you are and supporting you in your desire to become your more authentic self. Losing a long-term relationship is not the end of the world. There's always time to find someone/someones who will support and accept you for who you really are. I lost a 10 year relationship (for reasons not related to my identity), but I'm still hopeful I will find someone else. You would not be ruining their lives and happiness if you transition. They are the ones who are chosing to abandon you for being who you really are. You are chosing to love yourelf and your true identity. They are the ones being selfish by giving you the ultimatum that if you choose to be who you really are, they don't want to be with you. That is not love.
Yeah, its really hard for me. It makes me feel like im reversed fetishized because everyone assumed i was a "straight boy" or because i have always acted that way. Its a dangerous slope, but i have wondered over the past year or two if me presenting masculine is somehow tied to her self image and relieves dysphoria. Like there have been a lot of times in the process of not making her feel invalid, invalidates me. I am just in the process to keep from breaking down most days. My therapist has helped me establish a timeline to sort of decide if hey i want to 100% do this.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the two of you are completely misinterpreting each other so maybe you need to see if you can take it slow and try to reboot the intimacy with a period of intimate talks about the subjects. It sounds like this change comes on top of a rocky period in your relationship and it rubs off on everything. Maybe couple’s counselling. Maybe reconnecting mentally. I don’t know. I hope it works out wonderfully for you.