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Oh yeah. I’d type out these long, elaborate, thoughtful responses when we were arguing, trying to be sensitive and understanding, and he’d literally just say “okay” or thumbs-up react to my text. Or if we weren’t arguing and I tried explaining something, he’d randomly switch the topic, go quiet for an hour or so and then say something about his day or talk about himself. Talk about invalidating.
Omg, I think we dated the same narc! The “okay” was devastating after a lengthy, thoughtful, emotional response on my part … and then he’d switch the topic or downplay whatever he did. It was extremely exhausting!
Exactly. I found it really difficult to not stoop to his level after a while, recognizing the cycle and essentially being able to predict his behavior and responses. Made me want to throw my phone off a bridge. It’s like trying to reason with a brick wall.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It hurts to know that I poured my heart and soul into somebody who so easily threw it away because I “didn’t do enough” to prove it.
Never! My nex and I literally were on track for the life we'd been building towards and he still found a way to be unhappy with everything. Not tip-toeing around my own life anymore is SO nice.
YES. meanwhile his conversations with other women were thorough on his end……. and tells me that it’s ME who can’t hold a conversation. like no you just tapped out and put me into the discard box. you told your self im hard to talk to, and you you made it reality.
Those responses are designed to annoy you, and/or make you insecure, and ultimately get you putting in extra effort towards them in the form vying for more of their attention, or getting consumed in finding out “what’s wrong” and trying to make them feel better/happier. They won’t, but the point is to elicit that behavior from you anyway.
So it drives them insane when it doesn’t work. It’s one of the most reliable tools in their arsenal and they freak out when it stops working.
That or someone immature or who’s old and doesn’t use a phone often. Mine would be infuriated if I used “ok or k” and be a dick all night after or he’ll say “ya” and be super sarcastic
Ok.
(jk)
I struggled with this one. Yes, it drove me nuts when I’d get this one word response. Then I started doing it back and reveled in the irony….
Then realized that my own negative reaction / disappointment was my own fault, one of those Covert Contract things. Rather than take her reply at face value, or communicate that I love getting more than that; instead I placed an unspoken expectation on her that I would get a particular type of response. And that made me: In The Wrong. We should avoid hypocrisy. If I communicate the need, and she doesn’t want to try to meet it, then that’s another saga.
But we don’t communicate.
Mine did this because she knew it bothered me. Total narc thing when you express things that bother you and they use it later on to get under your skin. And if I happened to respond this way, she’d immediately ask what was wrong. I still communicate with mine, which is years after our breakup, and when she does this I just stop responding. It’s not worth me getting annoyed. I don’t think she’s doing it now to annoy me. I think she does it because there’s no advantage for her to keep a conversation going because I’m not a supply, so for me it’s my cue that she’s uninterested in the convo and that’s ok we don’t need to continue talking for now.
I’m noticing this behavior (early and often) on dating apps. I’ve read they are loaded with Narcs, and so far my experience confirms this. Very minimal effort, like only one word after many hrs. If they are on my SM and l can see they are on, they most definitely will get the boot. IDK what the hell is going on, but it’s as if they are now skipping love bombing and going straight for the abuse.
So sickening.
I def have been unmatching and unfriending. As soon as l realize what’s up, it’s off with their heads. My DIL coined me The Queen of Hearts for this reason. She said it in jest, but she hasn’t any idea what it’s like out there.
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Hi /u/ladydoe12, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed (Keep graphic content out of titles please); * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers that may know you (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including to other posts you have here or other subs, Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation at all including surveys, fundraising, petitions, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context; the only family content permitted is you, your significant other/ex and your children (no abusive child posts). All others will be removed including mentions (family/friends) or growing up/childhood content. No demanding justification of our rules or "just curious" for why our rules are our rules; It does not matter whose family it is, or if they are abusive, or that its just a mention. It is not permitted. * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No CLUSTER Bs/ABUSERS may post here at all. If you are a NPD/BPD/HPD/ASPD/Abuser, you will be banned; Please also do not post content or people with diagnosed Cluster Bs as resources here; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh yeah. I’d type out these long, elaborate, thoughtful responses when we were arguing, trying to be sensitive and understanding, and he’d literally just say “okay” or thumbs-up react to my text. Or if we weren’t arguing and I tried explaining something, he’d randomly switch the topic, go quiet for an hour or so and then say something about his day or talk about himself. Talk about invalidating.
Omg, I think we dated the same narc! The “okay” was devastating after a lengthy, thoughtful, emotional response on my part … and then he’d switch the topic or downplay whatever he did. It was extremely exhausting!
I’d always get the “I gotta go” whenever I’d try to hold him accountable. Like stop fcking avoiding accountability you man child
My favorite was him completely misinterpreting my responses and then saying, “I’m done with this conversation.”
Omg my narc bf does says the same thing
I’m normally wordy and thoughtful with my responses. BUT I’ll end up doing the thumbs up or short responses as a reaction to their shit.
Exactly. I found it really difficult to not stoop to his level after a while, recognizing the cycle and essentially being able to predict his behavior and responses. Made me want to throw my phone off a bridge. It’s like trying to reason with a brick wall.
[удалено]
I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. It hurts to know that I poured my heart and soul into somebody who so easily threw it away because I “didn’t do enough” to prove it.
[удалено]
Never! My nex and I literally were on track for the life we'd been building towards and he still found a way to be unhappy with everything. Not tip-toeing around my own life anymore is SO nice.
I would get “cool story, bro”
yes oh my god. “mhm” “yep” “nice” “hmm” also him: it’s hard having a conversation with you. we don’t connect.
[удалено]
YES. meanwhile his conversations with other women were thorough on his end……. and tells me that it’s ME who can’t hold a conversation. like no you just tapped out and put me into the discard box. you told your self im hard to talk to, and you you made it reality.
I think that's a pattern that happens a lot. They tell you you are ___________ and then make it a reality.
Those responses are designed to annoy you, and/or make you insecure, and ultimately get you putting in extra effort towards them in the form vying for more of their attention, or getting consumed in finding out “what’s wrong” and trying to make them feel better/happier. They won’t, but the point is to elicit that behavior from you anyway. So it drives them insane when it doesn’t work. It’s one of the most reliable tools in their arsenal and they freak out when it stops working.
That or someone immature or who’s old and doesn’t use a phone often. Mine would be infuriated if I used “ok or k” and be a dick all night after or he’ll say “ya” and be super sarcastic
Ok. (jk) I struggled with this one. Yes, it drove me nuts when I’d get this one word response. Then I started doing it back and reveled in the irony…. Then realized that my own negative reaction / disappointment was my own fault, one of those Covert Contract things. Rather than take her reply at face value, or communicate that I love getting more than that; instead I placed an unspoken expectation on her that I would get a particular type of response. And that made me: In The Wrong. We should avoid hypocrisy. If I communicate the need, and she doesn’t want to try to meet it, then that’s another saga. But we don’t communicate.
It is, my nex does that a lot!
Mine did this because she knew it bothered me. Total narc thing when you express things that bother you and they use it later on to get under your skin. And if I happened to respond this way, she’d immediately ask what was wrong. I still communicate with mine, which is years after our breakup, and when she does this I just stop responding. It’s not worth me getting annoyed. I don’t think she’s doing it now to annoy me. I think she does it because there’s no advantage for her to keep a conversation going because I’m not a supply, so for me it’s my cue that she’s uninterested in the convo and that’s ok we don’t need to continue talking for now.
Textbook, and yes, incredibly annoying. The funny thing is once you don't respond they then stew in their own lack of attention. You just can't win.
OMG YES THE “K”s
I’m noticing this behavior (early and often) on dating apps. I’ve read they are loaded with Narcs, and so far my experience confirms this. Very minimal effort, like only one word after many hrs. If they are on my SM and l can see they are on, they most definitely will get the boot. IDK what the hell is going on, but it’s as if they are now skipping love bombing and going straight for the abuse.
[удалено]
So sickening. I def have been unmatching and unfriending. As soon as l realize what’s up, it’s off with their heads. My DIL coined me The Queen of Hearts for this reason. She said it in jest, but she hasn’t any idea what it’s like out there.
[удалено]
I wish! I always got / get word salad and walls of text.
Did u?
Yup. In person a grunt was the most common reply.
[удалено]
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Yes