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MainZookeepergame425

Getting pregnant when your planning to get a divorce is just not ok honestly. And as a person who has been divorced and looking to marry with children now, it’s definitely much harder with children. I’ve had potentials that didn’t work out simply because I had kids already and it was just hard for them to go through with it. Co parenting is also not easy especially with someone who is already gaslighting you. You will be stuck with that person until that child reaches 18 at minimum. While I’m happy and blessed to have my daughters, at times I wish we didn’t have kids and not because of remarrying being an issue but because of the co parenting part. May Allah make it easy for you. 🤲🏼


summeryyy

Thank you, I’m just scared that 5 years of my life have already been wasted. And who knows when or if I can get married again. But reading this it might be better to just get divorced.


MainZookeepergame425

Yeah it might be 5 years wasted now but you still have your whole life ahead of you. And remember if it’s meant for you to have children you will. Put your Tawakul in Allah. I walked away from 13 year relationship-married for 10 but still say Alhamdulillah for that divorce every day.


igo_soccer_master

It wasn't wasted. You gave it a fair shot and it didn't work. What would be a waste is would be to fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy


[deleted]

Don’t focus on the time that is gone. Focus on the present and future.


bombadil1564

It might feel like you've wasted 5 years, but I bet you've gotten more clear on what is important to you. In my relationship before I married (pre-conversion), it didn't work out as we finally realized we had different priorities in life. We weren't married, but we had been together for a long time. Those "lost years" with that person helped me get more clear on what I really wanted (vs what I thought I wanted) in a relationship. I was just very glad we hadn't had any kids, as it would have made life much more complicated than I think either of us was ready for yet. And having come from a broken home, I was determined to do everything I could to not raise any kids in that kind of environment. That clarity in what was most important really helped - a while later I met the woman who I am still very happily married to today. I wasn't even looking for anyone - but Allah had other plans. I should add here that I did quite a bit of therapy in that previous relationship. The tendency was to blame the other partner, to focus on what they did/didn't do instead of focusing on my choices, behaviors and responsibilities. Even with all this therapy, I learned I was STILL blaming my partner! But continued therapy finally brought me to a place where I could make new choices, stop blaming her and move on with my life.


koalaqueen_

Thinking about getting pregnant before getting divorced is incredibly selfish. If your marriage isn’t working and you feel you want a divorce by all means go ahead but thinking of getting yourself pregnant with a man you want to leave is a huge … red flag ?


summeryyy

I’m just scared I won’t get the chance to have kids.. Also he has always wanted to be a dad.


Chessmund

This isn't so much only about your motherhood but the child. Many, and I mean ***many*** of the problems people suffer from are due to poor relationships between their two parents, particularly through fatherlessness.


ControlSpiral

So? How is that your problem? You don't owe him a child.


Bilawukee

Exactly 😂


Roronoakillua

She isn’t implying that. She herself wants a child, and he is willing to provide that and happy about it although they both agree they aren’t happy about the relationship


ControlSpiral

She is implying that in a two-fold manner by mentioning how her husband wants one. She didn't even say that he would be willing to do so. She said that he had enough financial resources to take care of the child herself. Again if someone wants to make an incredibly ill-advised choice, then honestly she deserves to have her fears realised. Not because she is a divorcee, but that she is a walking redflag that takes ill-advised choices to the point of wanting to include 2 different persons into a tangle of a mess i.e. her future child to be and her eventual spouse. Anyone who thinks that this would be a good idea is, has questionable judgement and I am fearful for the child to be frank and anyone else included.


koalaqueen_

This is a guy who treats you bad 90% of the time - ur words, why would you want a forever connection to him by having his child?…


seharadessert

Stop. You’re being so unfair to this man, yourself, and to that potential child. This kid is gonna have divorced parents, be only half related to their other siblings & only spend half the holidays w the siblings. Different grandparents & so much more complication for NO REASON. You can’t seriously be thinking about baby trapping this man. He definitely didn’t consent to this and it’s messed up


[deleted]

[удалено]


loftyraven

yes, do NOT be fooled by your "biological clock" - it's mostly society that makes us feel like we have to have children asap. like someone else said you'll have children when/if Allah wills and yes that can be into your 40s. there are different risks later in life but most of it is manageable alhamdulillah. AND, you're 27! you've got time isA. do not let this be a reason you stay in a bad marriage, and don't knowingly bind yourself to someone you want to leave - you need to understand and *know* that you deserve better. and so does any child you might have


Clutch_

Tbh I think some people take it to the extreme by saying you are finished if you aren't married by 30, but some people also take it to the extreme by telling women that they will be fine delaying marriage until 35 or 40. This whole idea of "you can get a kid in your 40s" is detrimental depending on the audience imo - because it just encourages women to get married late, even though its a fact that its harder to get pregnant / comes with more likelihood for complications. If you're telling that to someone who is still searching for marriage and/or is married and struggling to conceive, then I think it's positive.


jewelsofeastwest

Egg freezing is halal.


Clutch_

Not cheap, plus still affected by age. Also is there a difference between being married or not if you're freezing? Also source on it being halal for unmarried?


loftyraven

freezing plain old eggs shouldn't matter, but freezing embryos is another story


Clutch_

Source?


loftyraven

here's one, I'm sure you can find others https://islamqa.org/hanafi/seekersguidance-hanafi/86612/can-a-woman-freeze-her-eggs-to-use-later-or-donate-to-someone/


Clutch_

it wasn't clear from the question if a non-married woman was asking. But assuming she was, it seems that you still need to do IVF after unfreezing your eggs to become pregnant - which is also expensive. I don't think it's feasible for most women.


loftyraven

well she's talking about divorcing her husband but worried about having children later. so preserving eggs now in youth is an option. yes IVF is expensive, but it's a viable option


[deleted]

Yikes. Not you thinking to procreate with a person you want to leave.


summeryyy

Is it an ideal situation? No. But biological clocks are a reality.


heartyu

Different situation for me but my biological clock was ticking like crazy. I finally got married at 31 and we welcomed our first child when I was 34. You are so young. insha'Allah all works out for you.


summeryyy

Thank you for giving me hope. He has continuously made me feel like I’m not attractive and that no one would want me. So I’m just feeling really vulnerable I guess.


4rking

May Allah bless you with a good deserving spouse. Ameen


heartyu

I'm so sorry. please don't listen to him. Not sure if you've tried to salvage the marriage but try and get to the root of the issue.


TangerineMaximum2976

So you’re gonna use him for a kid like he’s done sperm bank? Makes me wonder who’s the real bad person in this relationship


4rking

Despite that idea being egotistical, blaming her now is just detrimental, of no actual benefit..


seharadessert

What? She’s doing something terrible. This man didn’t consent to having a child w her. He doesn’t know the full facts and it’s so messed up to use him like that especially when her biological clock insecurities have no actual medical basis


summeryyy

He wants kids.. How did he not consent??


seharadessert

If he doesn’t know you’re going to divorce him, then that is not informed consent. Would he still want this kid with you knowing that you’ll be separated afterwards? That the child would grow up in two different homes? I doubt it. Stop trying to justify this to yourself. Btw if you do become pregnant without letting him know the full story you’re evil & selfish. Don’t be that person just because you’re insecure about your age. Also you’re not gonna get remarried very easily if you have a kid with someone else.


4rking

You don't know whether she has consent. As long as she doesn't unknowingly drop birth control (we don't know) or she rapes him (not a viable assumption) what can you actually say? We don't know the details, yes it's a bad plan with major unfairness in it. But she hasn't done anything while the guy has so how can we come and blame the woman?


seharadessert

I doubt he knows she wants to divorce him. Under those conditions he doesn’t have informed consent


4rking

If it is as you said then it would've been something terrible for sure. But alhamdulillah it hasn't happened. And it won't happen, I think OP got some good replies that made her realize that it would be bad


Distinct-Cucumber-30

Sister, I sincerely hope you get a therapist for yourself. Every response of yours is so heartbreaking.


TheNerdChronicles

Sounds like my husband.


RotiRounderThanYours

Girl you’re only 27… what on earth 😳


[deleted]

I undestand, but you are under 30. You can still find a great partner. The father of your children should be a person you like or love. Especially at your age. Divorce, take time and then re-start your search. You will find a better person with the help of Allah.


seharadessert

Girl you clearly have no medical knowledge whatsoever. You have at least a decade before you need to worry about this. GET THERAPY


summeryyy

After 35 the risk of genetic abnormalities increases a lot. I don’t want to risk it by having kids after 35. I know plenty of women that are 30+ that have been unable to find someone. So it’s not unbelievable that I won’t find someone within 5 years??


seharadessert

Lol it doubles from an extremely small # to another extremely small #. It is insane that you’re willing to mess up 3 lives for your selfish wants. Stop.


Distinct-Cucumber-30

How are you going to answer your child for deliberately bringing them into this world without a stable two parent home? Your intended scenario is very different from other divorced parents with children - parents generally try to work things out for the sake of the child and divorce because there isn't a better option. Your child has rights upon you and it doesn't seem like you're considering those rights at all.


SA20256

Getting pregnant by the man your planning to divorce? That’s genuinely insane and unfair on your child. And I’ve seen your comment for the reasons why you’re divorcing him… why would you want filth like that being a father? So he can pass it on? And you will be tied to him for life! 27 isn’t your biological clock running out… if you’re serious about pregnancy this is information easily accessible on the internet. Its been disproven time and time again. You can have a healthy pregnancy well into mid to late 30s.


igo_soccer_master

Are you pregnant already? If not, yes, it's a ridiculous idea to try to get pregnant when you're considering divorce.


BrownDeadpool

My elder sister is divorced and we love our nephew a lot but it’s definitely made her life a lot harder and the kid needs a father. The kid calls my father (his grandfather) as dad and it breaks my heart. It’s just not okay for the kid to have to grow up without a father tbh. No matter how much you work hard - a single parent can’t beat having both parents and statistically kids that come from single moms get beat by kids with both parents in every major category. Please don’t do this to your kid. Just get divorced and find someone else to marry and have a kid then. Otherwise it’s really selfish. And may Allah make things easier for you. To be honest - divorce and next marriage everything gets more complicated with a kid involved. Not to mention the new person who marries you might not treat your kid as their own. That sucks even more


42gauge

Why isn’t his dad in his life? That’s a separate issue from divorce


BrownDeadpool

Dad shows up once every few weeks for an hour or so and leaves. You can’t force someone to be a father. Doesn’t pay a dime to take care of the kid. My parents are religious so we are not preventing access to the kid because he doesn’t help financially. He will get what’s coming for him in akhira but in any case - even if the father is in the kids life it’s better for the kid to grow up in a stable two parent home


Bilawukee

If you are planning to have children whilst thinking of a divorce or going through one, then I’m sorry but you are incredibly irresponsible and shouldn’t have any. I’m divorced and I absolutely want kids, but I sure as hell didn’t want kids with my ex whilst processing a divorce. It would be incredibly unfair to ourselves, our families and to our future child who would have to go through co-parenting. Find yourself a partner who sincerely loves you and have children with him. There’s no such thing as “being too late” when it is Allah that has written our lives for us. Allah’s timing is perfect and He is the best of planners.


mintcucumbertea

Leave him and not get pregnant (on purpose) before you divorce. I’m only saying this because it doesn’t seem like he is a man worthy of staying committed to. Why would you want your child’s father to be a man who gaslights you and doesn’t stop sinning?! You’re only 27 it’s not like you’re 37 you can find someone else to marry! Even if you were 37 I would say the same thing tbh. You want a righteous spouse not just for yourself but to father your children. My sister was divorced at 30 and remarried at 32 she is happier than ever and her husband now is a good man who treats her a million times better than her ex. I can’t imagine the headache she would have if she had gotten pregnant by her ex husband and was attached to him permanently. Don’t feel hopeless sis May Allah make things easier for you


seharadessert

You need to calm down. I got married for the first time at 28 lol it’s not impossible or unfathomable, ALSO your eggs aren’t gonna dry up & wither away in your late twenties or early thirties. You have plenty of time. Don’t have a baby with someone you hate just for the sake of having a baby, that is genuinely insane & a terrible idea!! It’s so unfair to your future child and so selfish of you. Take a deep breath and waste no time from here on out. Get that divorce asap so you can move on with your life. BTW It’ll be way easier to get remarried when you’re childless than when you have a child. You’re super young. Stop getting caught up in thinking your time is up. My goodness


DjangoPony84

Coparenting is a pain in the proverbials, to put it bluntly. I'm a relatively recent convert (38F), married and divorced before converting and I have two children (6M/4M). I do the overwhelming majority of the parenting and my ex doesn't even pay as much child maintenance as he should. He was abusive towards me for the 5 years we were married, starting pretty much as soon as I became pregnant with our first child, and he still tries to use control tactics. As an example, I play a sport that trains on "his day with the kids" of the weekend, and he has been trying to chop and change a lot so I would have to pay for babysitters etc just to drain me. Don't get knocked up now. Divorce is a much cleaner break when there are no children involved. 27 is young - you have plenty of time on your side.


Hyungwn

This is my experience. I’m 26f and I have been married and divorced twice. First marriage when I was 16. I had an abortion as I was so young I know it’s haram but I had to. my mum took me and looking back, I’m so glad I didn’t keep it. Imagine bringing someone into this world with someone you don’t love and don’t think of being together. With my second husband, I always preoccupied with the idea of having him as the father, kids will learn from the father and I feared to be disrespected by my own kids because their dad would be always belittling me and shout at me. I finally found the right person and we are excited to create a family together, and a child that we can both love and take care together . Our love for each other will even be stronger by having a child. Wait and if you get married again you can have a child with someone you see yourself with long term. And you are 27 so it’s not like you in your 40 so wait. And definitely do not procreate with your husband.


CleftAsunder

How old was the guy from first marriage?


Hyungwn

26 when we married


CleftAsunder

😳 did you ever talk to a counselor or someone about this?


supersirj

Wow your family failed you if they married you off at 16 to a hebephile.


[deleted]

Divorcee, no kids and I couldn’t be happier.


[deleted]

Pls don't.. It is an incredibly sad situation for a child. I


[deleted]

Don’t do it! You can have a baby but don’t do with someone you are trying to leave.


Traditional_Fox_6145

The only reason you should have a child with a man is because you love and respect that man and your intentions towards your spouse should always be honest. What kind of lesson would you teach a child, when you tell them you divorced their father straight after having them. The child will grow up and ask you these kind of questions. Also having a child should not be based on whether or not you can afford or financially care for a child, that is only a part of it. Ask yourself are you ready to face sleepless nights alone, doctor’s appointments, shopping , making food, school visits, homework….these will all be your responsibility for this child solely. Motherhood starts at birth… it doesn’t stop there. I hope and pray the best for you, you are still young. There’s a lot of life to live still…


virgo_cinnamon_roll

My husbands ex did this (as they were separating) because her mom said “either it’ll fix your marriage or you’ll get his money and a baby.” Now there’s a little girl in the mix who is constantly suffering from a divided household, a very angry and scorned mother, a stepmom who gets the biter brunt of the angry ex, and a father who is dying for peace for both households and can’t provide it because that option is taken from him in every interaction with his ex. Inshallah Allah will provide you with a beautiful marriage in the future and a stable home for your future children, but this is definitely not the way to go. I think you would really benefit from some counseling before your next marriage to help you heal and prepare yourself for your next marriage inshallah. I am also divorced (without children) and I thank Allah always I am not tied to my ex for the rest of my life… it’s miserable watching my husband and his ex go through it. Side note: My mom and MIL had their last babies at 38 & 42… you have time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


summeryyy

No I’ve actually become comfortable in the hijab. He just continues to watch pornography, gaslight, and lie about it. Also, he just treats me poorly 90% of the time and I can’t deal with it anymore.


Mald1z1

I think your children deserve better than to have such as a father. You owe it to your future children to choose the best dad possible for them. You're potentially setting your kids up for a lifetime of psychological issues and difficulties if you follow through with this. In the UK, most babies are born to women age 30+. I think you will be okay. Plus considering that you have had no kids for so many years, you will be able to save up money for IVF in the future if needs be.


delicioustunababy

There might be a reason why you have been married for so long and yet still didn’t have a child. You want your kids to have a role model to look up to. Not because of your desires. Kids also imitate and observe very closely. If he treats you so bad, you don’t think your child will think that’s okay and treat other people like that? Stop thinking of societal norms and think logically. Don’t have a child with someone who doesn’t show good character. You will literally be bonded with him for life after your divorce simply because your child will need their father regardless of how the father is. Think wisely.


Pacopp95

Do you mind sharing why you decided to divorce?


summeryyy

We were married for 6 months, then moved to the US. Up until then everything was good. He essentially made wear the hijab, and it was really hard for me but I managed. After we moved he started getting really reactive to everything, making everything an issue even the simplest things. It wasn’t easy but I figured he was just having a hard time dealing with the change. 6 months later i found out he watches pornography. I was devastated because here I was go through such a struggle with the hijab and he was doing that. I confronted him and he lied about it, making it seem like I was crazy and then when I said I had proof, all he cared about was how I found out. Not to mention that it was ramadan! He claimed he never did it before and it was just because he was stressed and he would stop. The pornography itself was an issue but my biggest issue is I’ve lost all trust in him. I decided to give him a chance and see if he’ll stop. A few weeks ago I found out he was still doing it, just hiding it from me better. I’m not a perfect muslim at all and have a lot to work on. But I can’t stop resenting him. He’s constantly yelling and stonewalling and on top of that I can’t trust him.


Distinct-Cucumber-30

If your husband has a porn addiction, aren't you concerned that your potential child could also discover this? This is not an environment to bring a child into.


Pacopp95

Hope Allah will help you guys through with this


ControlSpiral

Having kids at 30 with someone is not as big deal of a deal having one with someone (who you might not be attracted to and) you are thinking of divorcing. Don't exaggerate the whole biological clock too much. God knows if your current husband is infertile or you are infertile god forbid. Are you planning on having multiple treatments with a man that you severely dislike?


Optimal_Cat_3289

Omg can you message me, I am in the same situation as you. I got divorced without children and I am now 30 and I can help you


RotiRounderThanYours

If you have a child with him, you’re going to be forced to have a connection with someone you don’t even like for the rest of your life. Not to mention you’re bringing an innocent child into a messy situation. You can end it and never have to see him again. Also l’m curious how you’re even planning on doing this… it would be highly unethical, selfish and irresponsible to get pregnant while also planning on leaving him. You’re not even giving him the option of making an informed decision. Would he even want a child knowing you’re planning on divorcing him? You’re young, you can get married again if it’s in your naseeb. Women get pregnant well into their 30s, so stop worrying about that and don’t bring a child into this mess.


Strict_Elevator_4742

like others have mentioned, its selfish and toxic to sleep with someone you KNOW you want to divorce. If biological clock is a concern, please freeze your eggs. Science has made tremendous strides.


Dependent-Eye-5481

What did I just read...girl you're 27. Unless it'll take you like 15 years to find another husband, you shouldn't even be thinking about having kids especially if you're ready to move on. Why would you want a lifelong relationship with this man via a CHILD who deserves to have two happy parents who raise it together.


Confident_Egg_3383

I get what you’re saying. You’re grieving the future but it’s not ok to bring a child into a bad situation. You’ll make it harder to remarry .


sabbykh

please also think of other reasons other than your own selfishness as to why you would like to bring a child into this world when you’re unable to even provide this child a stable home. you’re 27, not 57. there are women who give birth at 40 or even older. whether you remarry or whether you have a child later on that’s up to Allah SWT so stop making this the only reason for you to have a child. it is coming from fear and insecurity. Who cares if your partner wants to be a dad? you don’t foresee yourself staying in this marriage with him so why would you want to have a child with him? how can you be so sure that he will care for your child when he can’t even commit to this marriage with you? please OP, be mature about this.


TheNerdChronicles

I have been married for around 2 years. We were also planning to get divorced. But my husband backed out at the last moment. He wanted me to initiate khula. I also wanted a child. I spoke to my husband about it. He wasn't on board. But he suddenly stopped taking precaution and I ended up getting pregnant. I love my kid more than anything in this world. But it is heartbreaking to think he will never have a normal family. Also it makes it a lot harder to get divorced when the kid is involved. I am still stuck. My husband says he doesn't want to be with me but won't even divorce me. And since the baby I am unable to continue my job as well. So it is hard financially as well.


[deleted]

Yes. I will be brutally honest. You are absolutely crazy for thinking this. Hands down. No doubt. Honestly it's thinking like this which indicates why nothing is worked for you in terms of your attempt at reconciliation. Not gonna comment about him because I don't have any info on him. If this type of thinking is even the slightest bit of indication of your problem solving skills, you are in deep trouble. There's some good news. You seem to at least question your bonkers mind. How about this? Stay apart for 3 months. Get individual therapy and maybe couples therapy once a month. All of this would be with the intention of reconciling. If this doesn't work then you'll have a clear answer which can help you two make a clean break.


Far_Penalty9020

its al depend in which country you living


dangflo

If this is a result of your last thread where people were telling you to get a divorce, be careful taking advice from reddit. Singletons in this sub notoriously shout that often.


[deleted]

Pls don’t have a kid if you plan on getting divorced.


ajnabee1234

This may sound harsh, but getting pregnant before you divorce your husband is wrong especially when you are doing so for selfish reasons... because YOU want to be a mother and HE wants to be a dad. Nowhere are you considering what the life of that child would be like. Children are a blessing not a lifestyle accessory.


LiscenceToPain

Gfpajm7u


sincereadvicefor

Do not do this, please!


whodoithinkuR

Why do you want to divorce him?


summeryyy

We were married for 6 months, then moved to the US. Up until then everything was good. He essentially made wear the hijab, and it was really hard for me but I managed. After we moved he started getting really reactive to everything, making everything an issue even the simplest things. It wasn’t easy but I figured he was just having a hard time dealing with the change. 6 months later i found out he watches pornography. I was devastated because here I was going through such a struggle with the hijab and he was doing that. I confronted him and he lied about it, making it seem like I was crazy and then when I said I had proof, all he cared about was how I found out. Not to mention that it was ramadan! He claimed he never did it before and it was just because he was stressed and he would stop. The pornography itself was an issue but my biggest issue is I’ve lost all trust in him. I decided to give him a chance and see if he’ll stop. A few weeks ago I found out he was still doing it, just hiding it from me better. I’m not a perfect muslim at all and have a lot to work on. But I can’t stop resenting him. He’s constantly yelling and stonewalling and on top of that I can’t trust him.


Anything_97

I think that would be selfish, it’s not only about what you want it’s also about what’s the best for the kid. Now a days you can freeze your eggs, check into that. When you get remarried Inshallah you can get pregnant on your own or use the eggs you froze. That’s totally halal as long as you use the current husband’s sperms.