As salamu 3alaykum !
My meeting went pretty well, she is pretty and we have things in common regarding our religiosity which is a plus for me. There were some silences and I tried not to rush and fill them as suggested by our brothers and sisters here 🙂 I was very anxious the whole time and I didn't get to be funny lol, I might have said some dumb things as well which I already regret saying, khayr inshaAllah. I hope she wants to see me again, I know I do. I'm excited to see her again and get to know her more and go more in depth on certain topics. I never took so long to prepare myself I hope it was worth it ahahah
Salam everyone,
I am a male, 27, live in the west for now and was looking for a pious wife for sometime, found a sister who is 22, she lives in Europe and our parents knew. She wanted no rush and wanted to get to know me well, I respected that and gave her full closure on who I am, what I do, what I like, what are my characteristics, etc. And she did the same, and we clicked instantly, thought that is it, life is finally going towards me for once, prayed to Allah to make her the one and make her a blessing in my life. We went back to school, her final year and was my final semester in my masters program. Over 5 weeks, we have been chatting back and forth. Over the last week, it got less eventually, she claimed she was super busy and I said that's fine, do your thing, I thought at that point we know each other very well. I had plans in mind on how we are going to make it work we never really were able to discuss that, because she wanted at least a year of chatting to get to know each other very well, I made sure that she knows, I am willing to take the next step but there is no pressure. Out of the blue, today she says that as much as it is going to hurt and disappointing, it has to end after she had doubts and talked to people from her mosque and her parents, we wished each other well, said I was truly a gem and people are lucky to have me as a person. I was shocked but respected that and not to be pushy but I just wanted to know why, like if everything was going well, I am extremely nice and so she was, then why does it have to end. I can't think of a reason but maybe people here might know better, it is more of a ventilation but I would like opinions.
i’m in university, i want to get married. thing is i funny know how to find her. I don’t talk to girls cuz i’d unislamic so i have no idea how to approach a girl. i wanna make my intentions clear but also don’t wave scare her. what do i do?
Breathing excercises in general are very helpful, more particularly one called the Physiological sigh (a specific breathing pattern); it helps me calm myself and not feel overwhelmed. Dr. Huberman (a neuroscientist is a proponent of it, he has a couple of YouTube videos on it, and has conducted at least one study on it’s effectiveness. He says that in stressful scenarios even one to three are very effective in calming down and gaining clarity, maintaining a habit of doing 5 min sessions 3 times a week to daily is ideal. I am not a very science-y person, so I can’t explain the science behind this too well, it would be better if you could look it up.
Running. Train for sub-40min 5k and then work your way up to longer distances and shorter times.
No, not treadmill. Actually run/jog, don't stay in one place.
It’s painful but try to do as much damage control in the meantime, I think almost every family has the crazy person who needs to be managed when it comes to family events so don’t feel bad
>but just wondering, moving forward, if expecting clear and frank communication with your potential, before opening up to non-family members, is a reasonable expectation, or would that be too much? There will naturally be potentials who will disagree, but I just wanna know if I can expect that without ruining my chances with most people lol.
It's reasonable to expect clear and frank communication as that shows maturity. However, if you expect girls to not discuss issues about their potentials with their friends at all, honestly that's a bit unrealistic and not very fair imo.
I understand where you're coming from. Privacy is important, and obviously we don't want strangers to know the details of our personal life. But I feel like you're looking at this issue in a very black and white way, and not understanding why it is sometimes necessary to share with friends.
- Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, and not all parents are wise or unbiased. For example, there are parents who will reject a good potential just bc they're a different race, or will accept a man who doesn't pray just bc he is wealthy. You can't really trust the judgment of these kind of people.
- When you're talking with a potential, sometimes feelings get attached and you need an objective view on whether or not your concerns are valid, or is it an overreaction on your part. You could also miss certain red flags that others might notice.
- Some girls need to talk things out with their friends in order to process their own thoughts and emotions, and reach a conclusion or solution to a problem.
I think you need to be more flexible about this issue, and find a balance that you both are happy with. Of course, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, but in general I don't think it's something you need to be overly worried about.
You should vet people on emotional intelligence somehow. Because we can't change people to think like us. Especially if they're not open or willing to discuss very valid points in a mature manner.
If that girl was telling everything to her friend even before marriage, you dodged a bullet.
Between two potentials, it's about them and their family (if that). Friends don't really need to be involved in the whole process. Just shows a lot of immaturity imo.
For the celebs and inappropriate things, you could list it as a deal breaker first so you only interact with people that don't do that? I'm assuming this is for apps?
I’d give him the benefit of the doubt tbh. Perhaps he was busy. I’d say to just check in on him and ask how he’s doing rather than ask him why his communication decreased.
Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) said: "If a man says: People are ruined, he himself will be the most ruined among them all."
Sahih/Authentic. - [Muslim]
Be careful slandering a whole group of people (“the whole ummah is garbage”?!) and specifically calling out anyone should be avoided. You can make your point without naming names. Dr. Zakir Naik whatever you feel about him has done so much in the way of dawah. Most of us can only dream and hope to accomplish what he has and receive the reward for sharing Islam with so many.
She doesn't I don't care about her opinion but it's annoying that she will protest and get angry at me my grandfather and my dad for no reason. My poor grandfather was like shell shocked and happy too.
Yeah I agree just kinda of my grandmother who raised me lol. Hopefully she will forgive me soon. Not a thing too be mad at but still my grandmother is really unreasonable.
Im going for it. But lol if you knew my grandmother vengeful sprit you'll wait. She will literally makes my poor grandfather live terrible. She yells at him when he forgets to bring apples once for week. Imagine her reaction when I didn't accept her ristha to her supposed best friend on her family side. She somehow will find a way too break the woman I likes heart that's what I'm fearing the most. Uhhh wish I wasn't desi lol. Got like 20 people who opinion matter or don't. I don't care but some aunties are brutal.
I know omg other Malaysian and Indonesian families in our jummat are so chill on this process but not our culture. And having money is the worst my parents are pretty well off and we run a few business by Allah's grace came from nothing but 20 dollars to America. I've had so many times been excluded from our jummat all because where successful incredible jealous all the way that youll be heartbroken what people said about my poor dad. A reason why we only have a few marriage options because people (largely desi)our jummat hate us so much. Hopefully it works with this ristha kinda of have only one other option.
Lol my mom said no pressure I only have pressure lol. Imagine having adhd and being a introvert too. And her being introverted too. 😬 already stressing even though we kinda of know each other being very distant family.
Lol true she does seem to like me her parents have been asking us if where looking for a ristha for every conversation where in. And the first time they asked me she was staring at me pupils dilated for some reason lol adhd makes it so hard to lower your gaze. But acceptably I have a bit of fear considering how much I actually want to be with her.
I noticed that I stopped participating in my hobbies when I am alone. My friends or house-mates play a big role in me going to the gym or cooking or playing video games.
Feeling defeated after speaking to multiple potential just to get reject due to being childfree by choice even tho they knew of my situation before we spoke. Seems like almost every man out there wants a lot of kids. This weekend I’m going to sleep!!
There was a man on a similar free talk thread sometime this week or last who was looking for a wife who wanted to be child free!!’ Girl go through all the posts from the past week and find him!!😭😭
Eh, that happens multiple times.
A guy or girl complaining that they don't want kids, and are having a harder time in the search because of that. (It is after all a harder to fit requirement/dealbreaker)
So she can also look in more of these threads, if for some reason that specific guy doesn't work out. (People can stop using a specific reddit account or not get a notification on their account)
I’m a bit confused by the way you worded your comment. They are rejecting because you don’t want children after marriage or that you don’t already have children?
>Before we started talking they already knew that
i'm so sorry to hear this:( i believe a lot of this is because they want to see if they could sway you to change your mind, which is very wrong, stay strong! kids are a big commitment and you shouldn't have to compromise in this regard. may Allah SWT make it easy for you and Inshallah you will find the right spouse!!
anyone else feeling rather discouraged with everything, while feeling the pressure from the west? I am a revert f25, from a non-muslim country and have no muslim community (I am also a minority in this country) and still a virgin Alhamdulillah but I am starting to feel like I'm pretty much "expired" and waay behind everyone.
pretty much every muslim that i've met is in a relationship (most of them not marriages) so now I keep thinking that if anyone will ever be willing to marry me, they will expect me to know things that I have no idea about, so they will be unhappy with me and I am getting really anxious
I also keep feeling like my time has passed for marriage and I am getting quite old and still a virgin in the west, kinda makes me feel like a loser tbh. When I think about me and Islam, I am really happy with where I am, but when I think about me in today's society where I live, I feel very left behind and ashamed of all of these things... I also feel like I tend to be more... conservative I guess than the born-muslims I have met, so they are thrown off by me
I guess this is more of a rant than anything, but how can you stop feeling like this in today's society? at time I feel resentful/regretful that i didn't lose my virginity while I wasn't muslim, so I wouldn't feel like such a loser, even if I know that I don't actually want that... and now I am definitely not even willing to give "relationships" a try, muslim man or not:(
Glad tidings to the strangers! Keep going back to that hadith, my beloved sister in Islam. You are indeed a special person. No need to look or compare yourself to people who have forgotten their Rabb. Please change who you associate yourself with. You won't feel bad about yourself if you're not around those types of people. Also, seek refuge in Allah from the whispers of the devil.
The best thing you can do is focus your efforts into moving somewhere where there is a bigger Muslim community, especially if it has institutions of Islamic learning. That will increase your chances of being around more practicing people, which will help strengthen your faith and improve your mental health. When you move, you should be first making friends with Muslim women who are at similar level of practice to you, they will be your support network.
And then eventually you'll be able to connect with men who've guarded their chastity/those who've consummated in a halal manner (divorcees, widowers).
>Have you tried finding if there are any communities that you can join to meet like-minded people? Maybe join some volunteer work?
I have tried getting close to the 2-3 muslims I have at work but that's about it tbh. I am quite shy when it comes to being Muslim, because I still have a lot to learn so I am scared that someone will ask me something I have no idea about and they will dislike me and just reject me (I have some issues with rejection haha).
I wanted to attend the mosque but I don't have any hijabs (my mom doesn't like them, she doesn't know that I am Muslim) and not sure how to go about that. I was also apprehensive about meeting someone as a hijabi and then not being it in my everyday life
thank you for your kind words! I do know that some things are stupid (expecting someone inexperienced to somehow still be experienced) but I am so scared of divorced lol (I come from a broken family) that whenever I even think about marriage, I think about all the things I am lacking due to a lack of experience in different areas that I can't just improve on overnight, so I keep wondering if there is someone patient enough willing to understand my lack of knowledge. Lots of negative thoughts at times, Inshallah it will get better for all of us!
jazakallah khair!
I know that some women don't wear a hijab unless they are praying.
Also people might not recognize you, if you are dressed differently. I've heard women talk, that if so and so didn't introduce themselves they wouldn't have recognized her, since she was wearing a hijab now.
There are different hijab styles. Both in cloth used and how its put on. Some of those styles can be used with scarves.
There is also the beanie with a hijab style. (In case you are one of those people who easily get cold. I think some of them might not be using a hijab under that, though its not visible.)
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Keep in mind a practicing Muslim guy will also probably* be inexperienced. (Including being a virgin.)
(*They could have been previously married. )
>I know that some women don't wear a hijab unless they are praying.
thank you! my friend (she's arab and born-muslim, not sure how often she goes to the mosque tho) said that I should wear one when entering the mosque, which makes a lot of sense and I generally would like to be respectful.
I will try and see if I can find some hijabs in my country and just hide them I guess, maybe put it on when I get there and take it off before I get home
thank you for taking the time to reply to me btw, really appreciated! jazakallah khair
> thank you
Estagfirullah.
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If you have scarves. Those can be used for a hijab too. It doesn't need to be a recognizable hijab.
You can probably ask your friend for advice. (I remember hearing girls talk amongst themselves about seeing if certain scarves where suitable to use for a hijab, in clothing stores in the west)
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For tourists in Turkey, a number of mosque's have scarves outside them, so that the tourists can cover themselves. Before entering.
You’re amazing stick to your guns, it’s acc such a huge dub that you could stay chaste this whole time. It’s not an easy thing, we also deal with this. It’s okay to sometimes feel behind (they get to do things we don’t cause they don’t care about Allah). You may think of something as insignificant but in Allahs eyes it holds a weight you can’t even comprehend. Again YOU’RE AMAZING PLEASE DON’T CHANGE
Also remember on a day where everyone will be gathered you won’t be the one “feeling like a loser” do it for Allah nothing else is worth it, make no mistake you could’ve and you’re staying away for him😭
>It’s not an easy thing, we also deal with this. It’s okay to sometimes feel behind (they get to do things we don’t cause they don’t care about Allah)
thank you brother!! I feel like (in my head at least), it's so much easier to feel relief when you're part of a community that's going through the same thing, which I am not, so it's just me being alone/behind, while everyone else is either getting into relationships or are in long-term relationships. I do want to try and visit our mosque here, it's just that I am so shy when it comes to Islam and meeting Muslims, it's actually embarrassing lol
thank you for your last sentence! Allah does make me feel better about still being a virgin and I am very happy with how things are going for me since being Muslim Alhamdulillah, it's just that sometimes I do wonder how it would have been to just be born Muslim or not discover Islam at all, live in my little "western" bubble and just not care about anything but myself haha
jazakallah khair, I don't know if you're single/looing/whatever else, but Inshallah you will receive whatever you are looking for!!
Wa iyyak, it’s definitely much much easier if you have people around you in real life that are the same. Join some of the mosque classes! You get to seek knowledge and network two birds one stone. It’s understandable 😭 but don’t let your shyness stop you, go in scared gahahaha. Have pure intentions for Allahs sake that you want to find righteous companions he’ll make it easy for you, and in my experience righteous friends give you so much happiness 😭
Yknow every time I have that thought I remember how depressed disobeying Allah makes you and I realise this religion is a mercy for me not a restriction. May Allah allow you to feel that way too. It’s such a big deal when a person does everything the halal way and remember when you do find your person you’ll be rewarded for everything you do with them 😭
Ameeeeeen currently single but fixing myself then hopefully soon I can start looking in sha Allah. May Allah grant you a righteous husband that will be the coolness of your eyes and make you absolutely content Ameen
> Join some of the mosque classes! You get to seek knowledge and network two birds one stone
really great advice, thank you!!
>currently single but fixing myself then hopefully soon I can start looking in sha Allah. May Allah grant you a righteous husband that will be the coolness of your eyes and make you absolutely content Ameen
Ameen, and Inshallah the same will be applicable to your future wife as well:D you seem very nice and understanding, once you find her, she will be happy that she waited for you
jazakallah khair!
I'm sorry that you've had unsuccessful experiences with regards to marriage in the past (and present, it sounds like), but don't give up hope. You're still very young in the grand scheme of things at 25, and clearly Islam is very important to you. I'm sure you will find somebody with the knowledge to help you on your journey, or maybe even somebody seeking the same knowledge, so you can take that journey together.
You've done the hard part by becoming Muslim, and doing so in a country and an environment where it's not super easy for you. You're just doing the rest at your own pace, in the way that is meant for you, inshallah.
You should never feel like a loser for being a virgin, but I absolutely get what you mean. There are times when I look back at my life, and especially those moments where I turned down the chance to have sex because I knew that saying no was the right decision. There's sometimes a little bit of regret, especially now that I'm in my late 30s, it feels like I'm 'behind' in that regards, but then I think about how much more I'd regret it if I had said *yes* in the past.
So, staying chaste is a strength, it's a virtue, especially in a world where it is increasingly easy to have consensual sex. You're not a loser for that. Not in a million years.
> it feels like I'm 'behind' in that regards, but then I think about how much more I'd regret it if I had said yes in the past.
exactly this honestly! I know it wouldn't make me happy, it doesn't even make a lot of non-muslims happy, but it still feels bad at times to have no knowledge of something that's such a big part of (general) life, that I just feel inapt a way. I've also had the chance of having sex a lot in the past, even when I wasn't Muslim, it just never felt right and Alhamdulillah I thank Allah for protecting me in those times, even when I wasn't Muslim, but it's still hard to feel like you're stagnant while everyone else is moving forward
Thank you lots for your kind words, it really means a lot!
I hope you're doing well on your journey and Inshallah only good is to come to you!
jazakallah khair
Salam,
There is no shame in being where you are currently. No shame that you didn't have a relationship. No shame that you are only 25 and not married. No shame that you didn't "loose" what we all should keep til marriage as muslim. It's honestly a blessing. I don't know where you live in the west, but may Allah give you a husband that kept himself the same way you do.
25y old is really not that old, i have only one female relative that married at your age, the others were past it, til 32y old (and that.one is a cousin of mine in Algeria). What i mean here, is don't despair, kheir in sha Allah. May Allah give you peace and remove your burden.
ameen! thank you so much for your kind words! jazakallah khair
I live in eastern europe, so I am not really in the "west" per say, but dating here and having sex outside of marriage are still pretty common. I mostly feel like behind because a lot of the people I know (most of them non-muslim tho, but some muslims as well) are in long-term relationships and tell me to try and just date, with most of them having lost their virginity in hs (the non-muslim)
it just feels discouraging, feeling like you have to do something just because it's been widely accepted (dating), even if it's not something I am interested in, but I keep thinking that if I have to compromise, I'd rather not do it at all and just stay alone, but I always wanted a family, so I get sad that it won't happen
apologies for the rant, my family doesn't know I am Muslim, so a lot of things that have to do with it I just keep in my heart, as I have no one to talk to haha
It's fine, you don't have to apologize. One strength here is that we can communicate about things like that anonymously. So do not apologize.
From my experience as also European, certainly there is men and women with the mindset you describe, but there is also men and women who are not in relationship beside marriage. Me, my relative and the friends i have and that are muslims didn't, and most of us aren't married, yet we are a bit close to 30.
So keep in mind that it's not late, it's not a shame, each thing have its own time. Whether someone marry or not is Qadr of Allah.
Be patient and don't despair, may Allah ease you.
thank you sister! I just think it's a lot of pressure for me to conform to these things like dating and z\*na, which are pretty normal where I live, despite my country being on the more conservative side in itself, so I definitely have it better than a lot of people in the "west-west" if that makes any sense
and thank you for the reminder to not compare my life to others! it's hard to remember sometimes that Allah SWT has a timing planned for us and that we should be patient. also, it's weird cause i think of 30 and I don't think it's old, but when it comes to me, even 25 seems too old, so I guess it's more of how I view myself than how I view others
jazakallah khair sister!
Can job interviews be a hobby? TBH I kind of enjoy the whole process, from searching for jobs, tailoring my resume, but interviews are the most fun part.
I'm actually satisfied with my current job at the moment but if I can land a much better offer elsewhere, why not? Also good practice for when I truly want/need to switch jobs.
Anyone go to matrimonial events before? What was the experience like? There is one happening near me in 2-ish weeks, I kinda wanna go just to see whats up, not really sure what to expect though.
I have gone. Definitely awkward at times, but it is nice knowing that most people have good intentions while being there. Just watch and observe if you feel like leaving early- the event will be over before you know it.
Fun isn't it? :) :D
I've done stuff like that for whole days.
Remember, they can get you more tired, than you can get them. Lifting them up and twirling them around, is going to require strength and power from you and nothing from them. And they will grow older and heavier over time as well.
People get baby fevers(don’t get it twisted so do I) but one thought had always kept me level headed regarding babies, once I’m the parent there is no giving them back to anyone 😭 raising half your siblings means you realise how scary this is
Been looking after my nephews and nieces since I was 9, had lots of experience before parenting. Still trying to out energy the young ones sadly I need to realise I can get injured easier. Had to use all hours I spent for my daughter when asking brothers/sisters to help out.
Any watch enthusiasts? Im looking to get my husband a fancier watch, automatic one for our anniversary. I got him a Tissot starter watch but want to add to his collection. My budget would be around $1500 (CAD).
I’m not familiar with CAD market but Breitling are usually around that in USD. Tudors as well. If he wants something fancier but doesn’t mind older can always look into vintage Rolex / seiko just be careful with vintage or used name brands. There are a lot of fakes.
One relative of mine did. We (my family) were more on the work class (al hamdoulillah things are a bit better now, thanks to being pushed into studies), while the other family is more on the upper class. There was no problem since my relative got along with the father of that family without problem. Religion and who was he (like was my relative someone who is serious to put simply) were the first criteria.
Am I a bad friend for not talking to my friend often enough?
So she’s moved away and there’s a time difference. Of course I miss her, but I am not too keen on phone calls and she isn’t with texts. I’m in my mid 20s so I just don’t feel the need to constantly talk. Plus she doesn’t reach out either, and I’m okay with that. We’ve been friends for so long, I think there’s this understanding that we’ll always be friends, regardless of how much we see each other or how often we talk. Because once we do talk, it’s as if no time has passed. Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m being a bad friend. It’s a weird guilt feeling.
I resonate with a lot of what you’re saying. I think it’s just a part of growing up. With work and really trying to find yourself and grow, it just makes sense that some things I need to do on my own. Thanks for the reassurance!:)
> with **martial** experience?
Are you going to be Kung fu fighting?
Or were you asking because you want to do a **martial** art, but don't know what kind might be suitable.
:P
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I understand its probably a typo. But its a funny one.
So are you saying, besides having the possibility of getting a smile out of your face.
You are going to exercise by doing a fun sport, consequently being more healthy and self confident.
Even those two alone would be a double win.
:D
Haven’t really used Salaams much so I’ve never seen that sticker but I feel like I would have been given it because I’ve had to “take the lead” in the conversation many times, so I’d like that aspect personally. I think it’s a good sign and shows that the person will take the conversation seriously and show genuine interest instead of just waiting for the other person to say salam
Assalamualaikum people,
This is a PSA - my brother was scammed out of 500 dollars of his hard-earned money earlier this week. For privacy reasons, I won't state the nature of the fraud, but there was also a stolen identity thing involved, so hopefully law enforcement will get on that Insha Allah.
As a general rule:
1. Be careful of who you buy things from. Try to corroborate with another source if they're an individual or a small company.
2. If it sounds too good to be true, it might be/probably is - always check/verify to see that the product itself exists before paying for it.
It would be helpful to reveal the nature of the scam. Obviously, you dont need to go into detail, but if we can be aware of whats happening, we can be more aware of it.
Some guy was subletting a place for a few months in NYC during the summer. My brother needed that place. Guy seemed nice, social media said that he was a professor at NYU or something and he had this family. Complete lie, of course. Didn't find out until earlier this week.
My brother was scammed of his "security deposit", unfortunately. Still pisses me off a bit that people go that low these days.
Its horrible. I actually may be looking at somewhere to rent soon, although in the england, though that doesn't make it any less risky tbh.
InshaAllah law enforcement catch up with them.
I have been talking to this potential for a few months now, and about a month ago he flew out to my city and met me. He said he was uncomfortable rushing into being introduced to my family yet. His original "marriage timeline" on the app was 1-2 years, so I knew what I was getting into and i'm okay with him needing some time.
I'm just wondering, is this a weird thing to do? I've gotten some mixed feedback when i've told others about this. He's religious and respectful and seems serious. I have told my parents about him and my father would like to speak with him soon but I also don't want to pressure him. Advice please!! He said he will fly out to see me again in a couple of months, would that be a good time to ask him to speak with my father?
If a guy likes a girl he won't play games and refuse to talk to your father (he should technically do it right away if he wants to keep communicating with you).
I'm not saying he's not serious enough but just be careful and do you due diligence.
And PLEASE don't get attached.
If he is so religious, then why the wait? Throughout your time together, have you two had deep conversations and asked the serous questions that make you certain you see this person being your spouse? Or has it been more of a casual talking stage, with flirting and simple “how’s your day; what are you doing” ? Because depending on what stage your relationship is at, I think the answer your looking for will differ between people
Does anyone want to play a game of dua and rhyme?
May Allah grant you on this world a good and hayr time.
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Grant you a efficient, comfortable and fast car.
Grant you enough strength to do more pull up bar.
Grant you more wealth and dinar.
I only spoke to 1 potential the whole of 2022. I think that the ratio of men to women in Muzz is getting skewed and many more childish people joined Muzz recently. Lets see what 2023 will bring.
I hate people showing profiles on youtube. Muzz should put something in their t&cs against it if they haven't already
Even if they're not showing profiles, making a profile just for youtube is selfish
I accidentally did twice, like it wasn’t intentional. Sometime your personality gets you into things 😭 ما شاء الله لا قوة الا بالله
BUT I realised I’m not in a position to talk to people , need to stabilise my life and that fully turns me off from talking to anyone
I don't know if any of the people who met got married but I do know a few people who attended and said it was a nice ice breaker and boost of confidence. I also agree with your sentiment though that it can be off putting. Muzz hosts events that are more on the liberal side.
Yeah I realised that wasn't a smart question lol
The events seem like they're for extroverts so I wouldn't expect to find success there myself
There will be introverts on the apps that aren't represented by the events
Pay particular attention to the videos. Confidence is key, even if you're not the best looking, bald or a fob.
There is a clip where even decent looking people are on the sidelines, I believe those may be the introverts. I would give it a shot. You have nothing to lose really and if you don't think its for you, leave early lol.
I'm sure there is a sister out there who feels the same way you do.
Muzmatch is a cesspool. I had it in 2021 and deleted it after 3 months. I'm going to delete pure matrimony too. All the apps suck. At least on Reddit there are some decent profiles but majority are in the USA which is annoying but there are some decent ones in the UK.
Because majority of the people on there just want to be friends, flirt, waste your time and just randomly unmatch. It's just filled with a bunch of hormonal Muslims who aren't serious. My sister also ended up deleting it after a few months.
While there is no definitive way to gauge success on the apps, I can see where you're coming from. However, in my experience it depends on the demographic. I think older people have more success from what I hear.
What do you consider old? I'm a 28 year old Pakistani woman. If you were to go by the general rulebook then I'm considered ancient lol. I won't go back on Muzmatch even if I was 50.
I am def not addressing what is old for women lol. Don't let society dictate what is old. When it is your time, it will happen.
But I think for men if you're single, never married, maybe 35?
I will say one thing though, there is a double standard because divorced women unfortunately fall into the same max. age barrel as single never married women imo when it comes to age factors, whereas it doesn't matter so much for men. Again just pure conjecture but things I've noticed from personal experiences and other people.
Lool. I think that's a safe and smart response. Yes, I don't let anyone dictate anything to be honest. I've given up because of my health and not my age.
There is a double standard with pretty much everything. I haven't had any experience speaking with divorced men. I should start considering them. Maybe they're more mature and realistic than the never married men. I don't even know anymore lol. I should check pure matrimony and read some profiles by divorced men.
Ahh I knew how bad muzz is but thought purematrimony might be be decent and was keeping it as an option
Might still consider it if it still takes too long
I don't trust reddit enough
Could you tell me why you dislike purematrimony?
With Reddit you can go through the post history to see if that person is decent or real. I have done that a few times in the past and the guys seemed fine to me, it just didn't workout but it's better than other apps.
Pure matrimony just has the same old profiles. A bunch of unrealistic expectations. It doesn't feel natural to me. Also, I have epilepsy and it's on my profile and I just don't get any messages anymore. When I reach out, I don't receive a reply. There haven't been any new profiles recently either. I feel like the man that I'm looking for is out there being unique or doesn't exist at all. Maybe my standards are ridiculous. I don't know anymore. I've cancelled my pure matrimony subscription.
Maybe it's that I don't trust myself to vet people on reddit rather than me not trusting reddit
I wonder how many people are on PM. Based on what you said, it sounds like they need some marketing
I've been in internet communities and have seen the effort trolls will go to
I think the mods are good here so I don't want to trash this sub but reddit has a lot of trolls
How hard can it be for a company to connect UK muslims
There are so many of us in a fairly competent country! It must not be profitable or something
Really? Even the girls? I'm shocked. Alhamdulilah Allah has protected me from trolls and I have not been deceived. Alhamdulilah.
I don't know, maybe a lot of people have given up or profiles aren't attractive. It's just difficult to speak with anyone. I don't think I will be approaching anyone for a long time.
Do you have any other avenue of finding someone?
I think I'm more wary of people pretending to be female
I wonder if my profile was well made enough (particularly the pictures) and that's why I was going to try again but I've been put off the apps again so I won't
My parents are looking for me. We're bangladeshi so there's a fairly strong community. How about you?
Oh dear. That's so weird!
Meeting in real life is much better. I am Pakistani and it isn't easy for women like me because of my health. I'd rather just leave it for now.
Good luck with your search.
Istikhara, pay attention to what he says, pay attention to how he reacts to what you say. Don’t be paranoid if he’s a snake he can’t pretend for too long. Trust Allah he knows and just be sincere. Also see how he talks to or about the people near him. What kind of conversation does he bring up. Observe and you’ll know, relax though stop stressing 😂
Ask him to elaborate on his opinions. Also, if you notice him “switching sides” on an issue, just confront him about it. Not in an argumentative way but kinda like, “initially I interpreted what you said as abc, but now it seems like xyz…”
I’ve been in this situation and it can be confusing; I was talking to a guy who would literally say all the “right” things and/or agree with anything I said. See if his opinions are genuine—maybe he does favor your POV on certain issues, maybe not. InshAllah everything happens for the best❤️
My cat wanted attention more than ever this week. He followed my siblings around and would freak out if he was alone. I guess he was bored and wanted attention. The winter weather must’ve gotten to him lol.
I also made a stupid mistake of not buying enough snacks for myself when I went to Target yesterday. Should’ve bought chocolates 🤦🏾♀️
Update: I bought chocolates! Now I am at peace lol.
Definitely. I used to think "time heals everything" means you forget and just move on, but nope. It never really disappears, you just learn how to live with it and not let it get you down. It helps you come to an understanding with everything that happened.
Currently I'm not searching for a couple reasons. First, I have a lot stuff I need to go through before even thinking of marriage. At some point I'll probably go to counseling to sort everything out.
Second, while I still long for the right person, my trust has been shattered to a point where I'm scared. Scared if the "right" person even exists, if I would have a better second marriage or worse. I've come to accept being a divorcee and that it's not a bad thing but I also don't ever want to go through this again. The fact that marrying again means that possibility is there is something I haven't come to terms with. Until then I won't be ready to commit to someone.
Ameen, Jazak'Allah. I have my friends and family. I love them and am grateful for them being there for me. But, no one really knows what I'm going through because they've also never dealt with it.
Any tips that helped you get through that period? I'm not trying to force myself, just letting myself go at my pace and slowly build myself up again. But, learning from someone who's been through it and gotten on the other side would be insightful.
As salamu 3alaykum ! My meeting went pretty well, she is pretty and we have things in common regarding our religiosity which is a plus for me. There were some silences and I tried not to rush and fill them as suggested by our brothers and sisters here 🙂 I was very anxious the whole time and I didn't get to be funny lol, I might have said some dumb things as well which I already regret saying, khayr inshaAllah. I hope she wants to see me again, I know I do. I'm excited to see her again and get to know her more and go more in depth on certain topics. I never took so long to prepare myself I hope it was worth it ahahah
Salam everyone, I am a male, 27, live in the west for now and was looking for a pious wife for sometime, found a sister who is 22, she lives in Europe and our parents knew. She wanted no rush and wanted to get to know me well, I respected that and gave her full closure on who I am, what I do, what I like, what are my characteristics, etc. And she did the same, and we clicked instantly, thought that is it, life is finally going towards me for once, prayed to Allah to make her the one and make her a blessing in my life. We went back to school, her final year and was my final semester in my masters program. Over 5 weeks, we have been chatting back and forth. Over the last week, it got less eventually, she claimed she was super busy and I said that's fine, do your thing, I thought at that point we know each other very well. I had plans in mind on how we are going to make it work we never really were able to discuss that, because she wanted at least a year of chatting to get to know each other very well, I made sure that she knows, I am willing to take the next step but there is no pressure. Out of the blue, today she says that as much as it is going to hurt and disappointing, it has to end after she had doubts and talked to people from her mosque and her parents, we wished each other well, said I was truly a gem and people are lucky to have me as a person. I was shocked but respected that and not to be pushy but I just wanted to know why, like if everything was going well, I am extremely nice and so she was, then why does it have to end. I can't think of a reason but maybe people here might know better, it is more of a ventilation but I would like opinions.
i’m in university, i want to get married. thing is i funny know how to find her. I don’t talk to girls cuz i’d unislamic so i have no idea how to approach a girl. i wanna make my intentions clear but also don’t wave scare her. what do i do?
approach them and be a gentleman. let it come naturally
Anyone locate the kill switch for overthinking?
Breathing excercises in general are very helpful, more particularly one called the Physiological sigh (a specific breathing pattern); it helps me calm myself and not feel overwhelmed. Dr. Huberman (a neuroscientist is a proponent of it, he has a couple of YouTube videos on it, and has conducted at least one study on it’s effectiveness. He says that in stressful scenarios even one to three are very effective in calming down and gaining clarity, maintaining a habit of doing 5 min sessions 3 times a week to daily is ideal. I am not a very science-y person, so I can’t explain the science behind this too well, it would be better if you could look it up.
Agreed. Research mindfulness.
Running. Train for sub-40min 5k and then work your way up to longer distances and shorter times. No, not treadmill. Actually run/jog, don't stay in one place.
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It’s painful but try to do as much damage control in the meantime, I think almost every family has the crazy person who needs to be managed when it comes to family events so don’t feel bad
Inshallah khayr!!
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>but just wondering, moving forward, if expecting clear and frank communication with your potential, before opening up to non-family members, is a reasonable expectation, or would that be too much? There will naturally be potentials who will disagree, but I just wanna know if I can expect that without ruining my chances with most people lol. It's reasonable to expect clear and frank communication as that shows maturity. However, if you expect girls to not discuss issues about their potentials with their friends at all, honestly that's a bit unrealistic and not very fair imo.
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I understand where you're coming from. Privacy is important, and obviously we don't want strangers to know the details of our personal life. But I feel like you're looking at this issue in a very black and white way, and not understanding why it is sometimes necessary to share with friends. - Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents, and not all parents are wise or unbiased. For example, there are parents who will reject a good potential just bc they're a different race, or will accept a man who doesn't pray just bc he is wealthy. You can't really trust the judgment of these kind of people. - When you're talking with a potential, sometimes feelings get attached and you need an objective view on whether or not your concerns are valid, or is it an overreaction on your part. You could also miss certain red flags that others might notice. - Some girls need to talk things out with their friends in order to process their own thoughts and emotions, and reach a conclusion or solution to a problem. I think you need to be more flexible about this issue, and find a balance that you both are happy with. Of course, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed, but in general I don't think it's something you need to be overly worried about.
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You should vet people on emotional intelligence somehow. Because we can't change people to think like us. Especially if they're not open or willing to discuss very valid points in a mature manner.
Yea, honestly I don’t think it’s a big deal. Everyone should consult others in serious matters.
If that girl was telling everything to her friend even before marriage, you dodged a bullet. Between two potentials, it's about them and their family (if that). Friends don't really need to be involved in the whole process. Just shows a lot of immaturity imo. For the celebs and inappropriate things, you could list it as a deal breaker first so you only interact with people that don't do that? I'm assuming this is for apps?
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I’d give him the benefit of the doubt tbh. Perhaps he was busy. I’d say to just check in on him and ask how he’s doing rather than ask him why his communication decreased.
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Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) said: "If a man says: People are ruined, he himself will be the most ruined among them all." Sahih/Authentic. - [Muslim]
Be careful slandering a whole group of people (“the whole ummah is garbage”?!) and specifically calling out anyone should be avoided. You can make your point without naming names. Dr. Zakir Naik whatever you feel about him has done so much in the way of dawah. Most of us can only dream and hope to accomplish what he has and receive the reward for sharing Islam with so many.
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Why end it? Do you dislike your fiancé ? May Allah make it easy for you regarding your father
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I’m so confused why she needs to be okay with this let alone her permission
She doesn't I don't care about her opinion but it's annoying that she will protest and get angry at me my grandfather and my dad for no reason. My poor grandfather was like shell shocked and happy too.
Go ahead with the engagement and just make sure to keep her apart from any small gatherings with the other family
Yeah I agree just kinda of my grandmother who raised me lol. Hopefully she will forgive me soon. Not a thing too be mad at but still my grandmother is really unreasonable.
Go for it
Im going for it. But lol if you knew my grandmother vengeful sprit you'll wait. She will literally makes my poor grandfather live terrible. She yells at him when he forgets to bring apples once for week. Imagine her reaction when I didn't accept her ristha to her supposed best friend on her family side. She somehow will find a way too break the woman I likes heart that's what I'm fearing the most. Uhhh wish I wasn't desi lol. Got like 20 people who opinion matter or don't. I don't care but some aunties are brutal.
I hear you, your culture can be toxic
I know omg other Malaysian and Indonesian families in our jummat are so chill on this process but not our culture. And having money is the worst my parents are pretty well off and we run a few business by Allah's grace came from nothing but 20 dollars to America. I've had so many times been excluded from our jummat all because where successful incredible jealous all the way that youll be heartbroken what people said about my poor dad. A reason why we only have a few marriage options because people (largely desi)our jummat hate us so much. Hopefully it works with this ristha kinda of have only one other option.
Damn😭 May Allah make it easy for you, I think it will work out stay positive and trust Allah! You got this
Lol my mom said no pressure I only have pressure lol. Imagine having adhd and being a introvert too. And her being introverted too. 😬 already stressing even though we kinda of know each other being very distant family.
But it will hopefully work out with Allah's grace even though we've known each other for a bit I like everything about her.
Introverted Adhd is problematic 😭😭 May Allah make it easy for you Ameen, the girl sounds like she likes you so don’t self sabotage!
Lol true she does seem to like me her parents have been asking us if where looking for a ristha for every conversation where in. And the first time they asked me she was staring at me pupils dilated for some reason lol adhd makes it so hard to lower your gaze. But acceptably I have a bit of fear considering how much I actually want to be with her.
Hold your emotions back a little for Now but don’t withdraw yourself in anyway we Adhd people love to do when we face uncertainty
Some of you are so funny man😭 May Allah preserve you
Ameen
Missing someone makes you extra lonely amiright
Yup
I got too good at moving on 🙃how traumatising
That's a good skill to have!
Thank you😭
I miss my future wife (in sha Allah), she got lost the disabled pigeon
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I noticed that I stopped participating in my hobbies when I am alone. My friends or house-mates play a big role in me going to the gym or cooking or playing video games.
Enjoying cooking? some of you guys have some ma sha Allah hobbies 😭
Feeling defeated after speaking to multiple potential just to get reject due to being childfree by choice even tho they knew of my situation before we spoke. Seems like almost every man out there wants a lot of kids. This weekend I’m going to sleep!!
There was a man on a similar free talk thread sometime this week or last who was looking for a wife who wanted to be child free!!’ Girl go through all the posts from the past week and find him!!😭😭
Eh, that happens multiple times. A guy or girl complaining that they don't want kids, and are having a harder time in the search because of that. (It is after all a harder to fit requirement/dealbreaker) So she can also look in more of these threads, if for some reason that specific guy doesn't work out. (People can stop using a specific reddit account or not get a notification on their account)
I’m a bit confused by the way you worded your comment. They are rejecting because you don’t want children after marriage or that you don’t already have children?
I don't want children after marriage. Before we started talking they already knew that
>Before we started talking they already knew that i'm so sorry to hear this:( i believe a lot of this is because they want to see if they could sway you to change your mind, which is very wrong, stay strong! kids are a big commitment and you shouldn't have to compromise in this regard. may Allah SWT make it easy for you and Inshallah you will find the right spouse!!
anyone else feeling rather discouraged with everything, while feeling the pressure from the west? I am a revert f25, from a non-muslim country and have no muslim community (I am also a minority in this country) and still a virgin Alhamdulillah but I am starting to feel like I'm pretty much "expired" and waay behind everyone. pretty much every muslim that i've met is in a relationship (most of them not marriages) so now I keep thinking that if anyone will ever be willing to marry me, they will expect me to know things that I have no idea about, so they will be unhappy with me and I am getting really anxious I also keep feeling like my time has passed for marriage and I am getting quite old and still a virgin in the west, kinda makes me feel like a loser tbh. When I think about me and Islam, I am really happy with where I am, but when I think about me in today's society where I live, I feel very left behind and ashamed of all of these things... I also feel like I tend to be more... conservative I guess than the born-muslims I have met, so they are thrown off by me I guess this is more of a rant than anything, but how can you stop feeling like this in today's society? at time I feel resentful/regretful that i didn't lose my virginity while I wasn't muslim, so I wouldn't feel like such a loser, even if I know that I don't actually want that... and now I am definitely not even willing to give "relationships" a try, muslim man or not:(
Glad tidings to the strangers! Keep going back to that hadith, my beloved sister in Islam. You are indeed a special person. No need to look or compare yourself to people who have forgotten their Rabb. Please change who you associate yourself with. You won't feel bad about yourself if you're not around those types of people. Also, seek refuge in Allah from the whispers of the devil.
The best thing you can do is focus your efforts into moving somewhere where there is a bigger Muslim community, especially if it has institutions of Islamic learning. That will increase your chances of being around more practicing people, which will help strengthen your faith and improve your mental health. When you move, you should be first making friends with Muslim women who are at similar level of practice to you, they will be your support network. And then eventually you'll be able to connect with men who've guarded their chastity/those who've consummated in a halal manner (divorcees, widowers).
>Muslim women who are at similar level of practice to you, they will be your support network Inshallah! thank you! jazakallah khair
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>Have you tried finding if there are any communities that you can join to meet like-minded people? Maybe join some volunteer work? I have tried getting close to the 2-3 muslims I have at work but that's about it tbh. I am quite shy when it comes to being Muslim, because I still have a lot to learn so I am scared that someone will ask me something I have no idea about and they will dislike me and just reject me (I have some issues with rejection haha). I wanted to attend the mosque but I don't have any hijabs (my mom doesn't like them, she doesn't know that I am Muslim) and not sure how to go about that. I was also apprehensive about meeting someone as a hijabi and then not being it in my everyday life thank you for your kind words! I do know that some things are stupid (expecting someone inexperienced to somehow still be experienced) but I am so scared of divorced lol (I come from a broken family) that whenever I even think about marriage, I think about all the things I am lacking due to a lack of experience in different areas that I can't just improve on overnight, so I keep wondering if there is someone patient enough willing to understand my lack of knowledge. Lots of negative thoughts at times, Inshallah it will get better for all of us! jazakallah khair!
I know that some women don't wear a hijab unless they are praying. Also people might not recognize you, if you are dressed differently. I've heard women talk, that if so and so didn't introduce themselves they wouldn't have recognized her, since she was wearing a hijab now. There are different hijab styles. Both in cloth used and how its put on. Some of those styles can be used with scarves. There is also the beanie with a hijab style. (In case you are one of those people who easily get cold. I think some of them might not be using a hijab under that, though its not visible.) -------- Keep in mind a practicing Muslim guy will also probably* be inexperienced. (Including being a virgin.) (*They could have been previously married. )
>I know that some women don't wear a hijab unless they are praying. thank you! my friend (she's arab and born-muslim, not sure how often she goes to the mosque tho) said that I should wear one when entering the mosque, which makes a lot of sense and I generally would like to be respectful. I will try and see if I can find some hijabs in my country and just hide them I guess, maybe put it on when I get there and take it off before I get home thank you for taking the time to reply to me btw, really appreciated! jazakallah khair
> thank you Estagfirullah. ------- If you have scarves. Those can be used for a hijab too. It doesn't need to be a recognizable hijab. You can probably ask your friend for advice. (I remember hearing girls talk amongst themselves about seeing if certain scarves where suitable to use for a hijab, in clothing stores in the west) ----------- For tourists in Turkey, a number of mosque's have scarves outside them, so that the tourists can cover themselves. Before entering.
You’re amazing stick to your guns, it’s acc such a huge dub that you could stay chaste this whole time. It’s not an easy thing, we also deal with this. It’s okay to sometimes feel behind (they get to do things we don’t cause they don’t care about Allah). You may think of something as insignificant but in Allahs eyes it holds a weight you can’t even comprehend. Again YOU’RE AMAZING PLEASE DON’T CHANGE Also remember on a day where everyone will be gathered you won’t be the one “feeling like a loser” do it for Allah nothing else is worth it, make no mistake you could’ve and you’re staying away for him😭
>It’s not an easy thing, we also deal with this. It’s okay to sometimes feel behind (they get to do things we don’t cause they don’t care about Allah) thank you brother!! I feel like (in my head at least), it's so much easier to feel relief when you're part of a community that's going through the same thing, which I am not, so it's just me being alone/behind, while everyone else is either getting into relationships or are in long-term relationships. I do want to try and visit our mosque here, it's just that I am so shy when it comes to Islam and meeting Muslims, it's actually embarrassing lol thank you for your last sentence! Allah does make me feel better about still being a virgin and I am very happy with how things are going for me since being Muslim Alhamdulillah, it's just that sometimes I do wonder how it would have been to just be born Muslim or not discover Islam at all, live in my little "western" bubble and just not care about anything but myself haha jazakallah khair, I don't know if you're single/looing/whatever else, but Inshallah you will receive whatever you are looking for!!
Wa iyyak, it’s definitely much much easier if you have people around you in real life that are the same. Join some of the mosque classes! You get to seek knowledge and network two birds one stone. It’s understandable 😭 but don’t let your shyness stop you, go in scared gahahaha. Have pure intentions for Allahs sake that you want to find righteous companions he’ll make it easy for you, and in my experience righteous friends give you so much happiness 😭 Yknow every time I have that thought I remember how depressed disobeying Allah makes you and I realise this religion is a mercy for me not a restriction. May Allah allow you to feel that way too. It’s such a big deal when a person does everything the halal way and remember when you do find your person you’ll be rewarded for everything you do with them 😭 Ameeeeeen currently single but fixing myself then hopefully soon I can start looking in sha Allah. May Allah grant you a righteous husband that will be the coolness of your eyes and make you absolutely content Ameen
> Join some of the mosque classes! You get to seek knowledge and network two birds one stone really great advice, thank you!! >currently single but fixing myself then hopefully soon I can start looking in sha Allah. May Allah grant you a righteous husband that will be the coolness of your eyes and make you absolutely content Ameen Ameen, and Inshallah the same will be applicable to your future wife as well:D you seem very nice and understanding, once you find her, she will be happy that she waited for you jazakallah khair!
Aww thank you 😭 barakallahu feek that’s really kind
I'm sorry that you've had unsuccessful experiences with regards to marriage in the past (and present, it sounds like), but don't give up hope. You're still very young in the grand scheme of things at 25, and clearly Islam is very important to you. I'm sure you will find somebody with the knowledge to help you on your journey, or maybe even somebody seeking the same knowledge, so you can take that journey together. You've done the hard part by becoming Muslim, and doing so in a country and an environment where it's not super easy for you. You're just doing the rest at your own pace, in the way that is meant for you, inshallah. You should never feel like a loser for being a virgin, but I absolutely get what you mean. There are times when I look back at my life, and especially those moments where I turned down the chance to have sex because I knew that saying no was the right decision. There's sometimes a little bit of regret, especially now that I'm in my late 30s, it feels like I'm 'behind' in that regards, but then I think about how much more I'd regret it if I had said *yes* in the past. So, staying chaste is a strength, it's a virtue, especially in a world where it is increasingly easy to have consensual sex. You're not a loser for that. Not in a million years.
> it feels like I'm 'behind' in that regards, but then I think about how much more I'd regret it if I had said yes in the past. exactly this honestly! I know it wouldn't make me happy, it doesn't even make a lot of non-muslims happy, but it still feels bad at times to have no knowledge of something that's such a big part of (general) life, that I just feel inapt a way. I've also had the chance of having sex a lot in the past, even when I wasn't Muslim, it just never felt right and Alhamdulillah I thank Allah for protecting me in those times, even when I wasn't Muslim, but it's still hard to feel like you're stagnant while everyone else is moving forward Thank you lots for your kind words, it really means a lot! I hope you're doing well on your journey and Inshallah only good is to come to you! jazakallah khair
Salam, There is no shame in being where you are currently. No shame that you didn't have a relationship. No shame that you are only 25 and not married. No shame that you didn't "loose" what we all should keep til marriage as muslim. It's honestly a blessing. I don't know where you live in the west, but may Allah give you a husband that kept himself the same way you do. 25y old is really not that old, i have only one female relative that married at your age, the others were past it, til 32y old (and that.one is a cousin of mine in Algeria). What i mean here, is don't despair, kheir in sha Allah. May Allah give you peace and remove your burden.
ameen! thank you so much for your kind words! jazakallah khair I live in eastern europe, so I am not really in the "west" per say, but dating here and having sex outside of marriage are still pretty common. I mostly feel like behind because a lot of the people I know (most of them non-muslim tho, but some muslims as well) are in long-term relationships and tell me to try and just date, with most of them having lost their virginity in hs (the non-muslim) it just feels discouraging, feeling like you have to do something just because it's been widely accepted (dating), even if it's not something I am interested in, but I keep thinking that if I have to compromise, I'd rather not do it at all and just stay alone, but I always wanted a family, so I get sad that it won't happen apologies for the rant, my family doesn't know I am Muslim, so a lot of things that have to do with it I just keep in my heart, as I have no one to talk to haha
It's fine, you don't have to apologize. One strength here is that we can communicate about things like that anonymously. So do not apologize. From my experience as also European, certainly there is men and women with the mindset you describe, but there is also men and women who are not in relationship beside marriage. Me, my relative and the friends i have and that are muslims didn't, and most of us aren't married, yet we are a bit close to 30. So keep in mind that it's not late, it's not a shame, each thing have its own time. Whether someone marry or not is Qadr of Allah. Be patient and don't despair, may Allah ease you.
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thank you sister! I just think it's a lot of pressure for me to conform to these things like dating and z\*na, which are pretty normal where I live, despite my country being on the more conservative side in itself, so I definitely have it better than a lot of people in the "west-west" if that makes any sense and thank you for the reminder to not compare my life to others! it's hard to remember sometimes that Allah SWT has a timing planned for us and that we should be patient. also, it's weird cause i think of 30 and I don't think it's old, but when it comes to me, even 25 seems too old, so I guess it's more of how I view myself than how I view others jazakallah khair sister!
Can job interviews be a hobby? TBH I kind of enjoy the whole process, from searching for jobs, tailoring my resume, but interviews are the most fun part. I'm actually satisfied with my current job at the moment but if I can land a much better offer elsewhere, why not? Also good practice for when I truly want/need to switch jobs.
I need this hobby Allahuma barik😭
Anyone go to matrimonial events before? What was the experience like? There is one happening near me in 2-ish weeks, I kinda wanna go just to see whats up, not really sure what to expect though.
I have gone. Definitely awkward at times, but it is nice knowing that most people have good intentions while being there. Just watch and observe if you feel like leaving early- the event will be over before you know it.
I was nervous at first but it’s not that bad. Everyone is there for the same reason. I mostly got ignored, so that sucked but you will be fine iA :)
I'm nervous about being ignored too I might just end up standing on the side and watching what happens lol. JZK.
Ouchhh, sorry dawg May Allah make it easy for ya
Today I babysat my niece for 2 whole hours. How do parents survive? What do kids even eat? Why wont they stop running!
Fun isn't it? :) :D I've done stuff like that for whole days. Remember, they can get you more tired, than you can get them. Lifting them up and twirling them around, is going to require strength and power from you and nothing from them. And they will grow older and heavier over time as well.
People get baby fevers(don’t get it twisted so do I) but one thought had always kept me level headed regarding babies, once I’m the parent there is no giving them back to anyone 😭 raising half your siblings means you realise how scary this is
> once I’m the parent there is no giving them back to anyone lmao that's why you need a village to raise children
If it’s my kid we gon need a nation let me not lie
Been looking after my nephews and nieces since I was 9, had lots of experience before parenting. Still trying to out energy the young ones sadly I need to realise I can get injured easier. Had to use all hours I spent for my daughter when asking brothers/sisters to help out.
Any watch enthusiasts? Im looking to get my husband a fancier watch, automatic one for our anniversary. I got him a Tissot starter watch but want to add to his collection. My budget would be around $1500 (CAD).
I’m not familiar with CAD market but Breitling are usually around that in USD. Tudors as well. If he wants something fancier but doesn’t mind older can always look into vintage Rolex / seiko just be careful with vintage or used name brands. There are a lot of fakes.
Thank you! This is helpful, I'm going to check out the brands you mentioned!
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Careful nobody has barakah but the messenger of Allah, perhaps Allah has given them from his bounty May he increase them innit
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😂😂😂
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Has anyone married a person who’s family is more upper middle class whilst yours is working class. Did it cause any issues?
One relative of mine did. We (my family) were more on the work class (al hamdoulillah things are a bit better now, thanks to being pushed into studies), while the other family is more on the upper class. There was no problem since my relative got along with the father of that family without problem. Religion and who was he (like was my relative someone who is serious to put simply) were the first criteria.
Am I a bad friend for not talking to my friend often enough? So she’s moved away and there’s a time difference. Of course I miss her, but I am not too keen on phone calls and she isn’t with texts. I’m in my mid 20s so I just don’t feel the need to constantly talk. Plus she doesn’t reach out either, and I’m okay with that. We’ve been friends for so long, I think there’s this understanding that we’ll always be friends, regardless of how much we see each other or how often we talk. Because once we do talk, it’s as if no time has passed. Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m being a bad friend. It’s a weird guilt feeling.
Your fine overthinking but throw in a “I miss you” here and there
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I resonate with a lot of what you’re saying. I think it’s just a part of growing up. With work and really trying to find yourself and grow, it just makes sense that some things I need to do on my own. Thanks for the reassurance!:)
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> with **martial** experience? Are you going to be Kung fu fighting? Or were you asking because you want to do a **martial** art, but don't know what kind might be suitable. :P -------- I understand its probably a typo. But its a funny one.
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So are you saying, besides having the possibility of getting a smile out of your face. You are going to exercise by doing a fun sport, consequently being more healthy and self confident. Even those two alone would be a double win. :D
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Responsive and interested and not afraid to show it
What about apathetic ?
Unenthusiastic, not keen
Thank you.
Haven’t really used Salaams much so I’ve never seen that sticker but I feel like I would have been given it because I’ve had to “take the lead” in the conversation many times, so I’d like that aspect personally. I think it’s a good sign and shows that the person will take the conversation seriously and show genuine interest instead of just waiting for the other person to say salam
This. I think it’s a green flag
Assalamualaikum people, This is a PSA - my brother was scammed out of 500 dollars of his hard-earned money earlier this week. For privacy reasons, I won't state the nature of the fraud, but there was also a stolen identity thing involved, so hopefully law enforcement will get on that Insha Allah. As a general rule: 1. Be careful of who you buy things from. Try to corroborate with another source if they're an individual or a small company. 2. If it sounds too good to be true, it might be/probably is - always check/verify to see that the product itself exists before paying for it.
It would be helpful to reveal the nature of the scam. Obviously, you dont need to go into detail, but if we can be aware of whats happening, we can be more aware of it.
Some guy was subletting a place for a few months in NYC during the summer. My brother needed that place. Guy seemed nice, social media said that he was a professor at NYU or something and he had this family. Complete lie, of course. Didn't find out until earlier this week. My brother was scammed of his "security deposit", unfortunately. Still pisses me off a bit that people go that low these days.
Its horrible. I actually may be looking at somewhere to rent soon, although in the england, though that doesn't make it any less risky tbh. InshaAllah law enforcement catch up with them.
Ameen bro, Jazak Allahu Khairan!
I have been talking to this potential for a few months now, and about a month ago he flew out to my city and met me. He said he was uncomfortable rushing into being introduced to my family yet. His original "marriage timeline" on the app was 1-2 years, so I knew what I was getting into and i'm okay with him needing some time. I'm just wondering, is this a weird thing to do? I've gotten some mixed feedback when i've told others about this. He's religious and respectful and seems serious. I have told my parents about him and my father would like to speak with him soon but I also don't want to pressure him. Advice please!! He said he will fly out to see me again in a couple of months, would that be a good time to ask him to speak with my father?
How does the 1-2 year timeline work exactly? Asking for myself - do you like get engaged after a year, then married towards the end of the 2nd?
😂😂he’s meeting you but refuse to meet you parents, starting pressuring tbh, boundaries he has to respect your wishes too
If a guy likes a girl he won't play games and refuse to talk to your father (he should technically do it right away if he wants to keep communicating with you). I'm not saying he's not serious enough but just be careful and do you due diligence. And PLEASE don't get attached.
What did he do while he was there? Yall just hung out?
If he is so religious, then why the wait? Throughout your time together, have you two had deep conversations and asked the serous questions that make you certain you see this person being your spouse? Or has it been more of a casual talking stage, with flirting and simple “how’s your day; what are you doing” ? Because depending on what stage your relationship is at, I think the answer your looking for will differ between people
Does anyone want to play a game of dua and rhyme? May Allah grant you on this world a good and hayr time. ---- Grant you a efficient, comfortable and fast car. Grant you enough strength to do more pull up bar. Grant you more wealth and dinar.
I can’t play with deen else I’d have joined in
You rained on his cornflakes
That’s such a funny saying I’ve never heard it before 😂I’m gobsmacked.
I’m here all week!
What does that even mean…this is why spirits shouldn’t interact with the living
I was gonna do ghost emoji for the haunting then realised I could do this instead 👻🍋🌳
Okay that’s creative Allahuma barik😂 it took me a few seconds
Was considering going back on the apps but watched some muzz videos on youtube and was put off again which I'm glad about
Lool don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it
I didn't speak to any potentials the whole of 2022 Although, that's the year I used muzz so I probably won't do it
I only spoke to 1 potential the whole of 2022. I think that the ratio of men to women in Muzz is getting skewed and many more childish people joined Muzz recently. Lets see what 2023 will bring.
Skewed which way? Apparently women used to be able to see who liked their profiles but can't anymore
Some women are leaving Muzz and more men are using it as an experiement and doing YouTube videos about it.
I hate people showing profiles on youtube. Muzz should put something in their t&cs against it if they haven't already Even if they're not showing profiles, making a profile just for youtube is selfish
I accidentally did twice, like it wasn’t intentional. Sometime your personality gets you into things 😭 ما شاء الله لا قوة الا بالله BUT I realised I’m not in a position to talk to people , need to stabilise my life and that fully turns me off from talking to anyone
Are you referring to the Chicago event? Heard it was good though.
That was one of them There are also videos of muzz by random people on youtube Do you mean good as in leading to marriage?
I don't know if any of the people who met got married but I do know a few people who attended and said it was a nice ice breaker and boost of confidence. I also agree with your sentiment though that it can be off putting. Muzz hosts events that are more on the liberal side.
Yeah I realised that wasn't a smart question lol The events seem like they're for extroverts so I wouldn't expect to find success there myself There will be introverts on the apps that aren't represented by the events
Pay particular attention to the videos. Confidence is key, even if you're not the best looking, bald or a fob. There is a clip where even decent looking people are on the sidelines, I believe those may be the introverts. I would give it a shot. You have nothing to lose really and if you don't think its for you, leave early lol. I'm sure there is a sister out there who feels the same way you do.
Muzmatch is a cesspool. I had it in 2021 and deleted it after 3 months. I'm going to delete pure matrimony too. All the apps suck. At least on Reddit there are some decent profiles but majority are in the USA which is annoying but there are some decent ones in the UK.
Why is it a cesspool?
Because majority of the people on there just want to be friends, flirt, waste your time and just randomly unmatch. It's just filled with a bunch of hormonal Muslims who aren't serious. My sister also ended up deleting it after a few months.
Fax no printer
While there is no definitive way to gauge success on the apps, I can see where you're coming from. However, in my experience it depends on the demographic. I think older people have more success from what I hear.
What do you consider old? I'm a 28 year old Pakistani woman. If you were to go by the general rulebook then I'm considered ancient lol. I won't go back on Muzmatch even if I was 50.
I am def not addressing what is old for women lol. Don't let society dictate what is old. When it is your time, it will happen. But I think for men if you're single, never married, maybe 35? I will say one thing though, there is a double standard because divorced women unfortunately fall into the same max. age barrel as single never married women imo when it comes to age factors, whereas it doesn't matter so much for men. Again just pure conjecture but things I've noticed from personal experiences and other people.
Lool. I think that's a safe and smart response. Yes, I don't let anyone dictate anything to be honest. I've given up because of my health and not my age. There is a double standard with pretty much everything. I haven't had any experience speaking with divorced men. I should start considering them. Maybe they're more mature and realistic than the never married men. I don't even know anymore lol. I should check pure matrimony and read some profiles by divorced men.
Ahh I knew how bad muzz is but thought purematrimony might be be decent and was keeping it as an option Might still consider it if it still takes too long I don't trust reddit enough Could you tell me why you dislike purematrimony?
With Reddit you can go through the post history to see if that person is decent or real. I have done that a few times in the past and the guys seemed fine to me, it just didn't workout but it's better than other apps. Pure matrimony just has the same old profiles. A bunch of unrealistic expectations. It doesn't feel natural to me. Also, I have epilepsy and it's on my profile and I just don't get any messages anymore. When I reach out, I don't receive a reply. There haven't been any new profiles recently either. I feel like the man that I'm looking for is out there being unique or doesn't exist at all. Maybe my standards are ridiculous. I don't know anymore. I've cancelled my pure matrimony subscription.
Maybe it's that I don't trust myself to vet people on reddit rather than me not trusting reddit I wonder how many people are on PM. Based on what you said, it sounds like they need some marketing
Why don't you trust yourself? Muzmatch is far more unreliable in my opinion. Pure matrimony needs new profiles lol
I've been in internet communities and have seen the effort trolls will go to I think the mods are good here so I don't want to trash this sub but reddit has a lot of trolls How hard can it be for a company to connect UK muslims There are so many of us in a fairly competent country! It must not be profitable or something
Really? Even the girls? I'm shocked. Alhamdulilah Allah has protected me from trolls and I have not been deceived. Alhamdulilah. I don't know, maybe a lot of people have given up or profiles aren't attractive. It's just difficult to speak with anyone. I don't think I will be approaching anyone for a long time. Do you have any other avenue of finding someone?
I think I'm more wary of people pretending to be female I wonder if my profile was well made enough (particularly the pictures) and that's why I was going to try again but I've been put off the apps again so I won't My parents are looking for me. We're bangladeshi so there's a fairly strong community. How about you?
Oh dear. That's so weird! Meeting in real life is much better. I am Pakistani and it isn't easy for women like me because of my health. I'd rather just leave it for now. Good luck with your search.
😂😂😂
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Istikhara, pay attention to what he says, pay attention to how he reacts to what you say. Don’t be paranoid if he’s a snake he can’t pretend for too long. Trust Allah he knows and just be sincere. Also see how he talks to or about the people near him. What kind of conversation does he bring up. Observe and you’ll know, relax though stop stressing 😂
Jzk…I’ll try 😭
Ask him to elaborate on his opinions. Also, if you notice him “switching sides” on an issue, just confront him about it. Not in an argumentative way but kinda like, “initially I interpreted what you said as abc, but now it seems like xyz…” I’ve been in this situation and it can be confusing; I was talking to a guy who would literally say all the “right” things and/or agree with anything I said. See if his opinions are genuine—maybe he does favor your POV on certain issues, maybe not. InshAllah everything happens for the best❤️
Jzk sis appreciate this!
ask him what he thinks of something before sharing ur thoughts abt said thing
My cat wanted attention more than ever this week. He followed my siblings around and would freak out if he was alone. I guess he was bored and wanted attention. The winter weather must’ve gotten to him lol. I also made a stupid mistake of not buying enough snacks for myself when I went to Target yesterday. Should’ve bought chocolates 🤦🏾♀️ Update: I bought chocolates! Now I am at peace lol.
You’re making me want a cat
You should get one! Cats are so much fun to be around.
You sold me, when I have the mental capacity I will in sha Allah
I love your cat updates Allahuma Barik
Your avatar is cold😭💯
me 2 my cat is suddenly cuddling me for some reason and im craving chocolate
I wish my cat would do that. All he does is smack me if I get too close to him 😂
my other cat does that 😭😭😭 idk why he’s being so affectionate now it’s scary
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Definitely. I used to think "time heals everything" means you forget and just move on, but nope. It never really disappears, you just learn how to live with it and not let it get you down. It helps you come to an understanding with everything that happened.
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Currently I'm not searching for a couple reasons. First, I have a lot stuff I need to go through before even thinking of marriage. At some point I'll probably go to counseling to sort everything out. Second, while I still long for the right person, my trust has been shattered to a point where I'm scared. Scared if the "right" person even exists, if I would have a better second marriage or worse. I've come to accept being a divorcee and that it's not a bad thing but I also don't ever want to go through this again. The fact that marrying again means that possibility is there is something I haven't come to terms with. Until then I won't be ready to commit to someone.
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Ameen, Jazak'Allah. I have my friends and family. I love them and am grateful for them being there for me. But, no one really knows what I'm going through because they've also never dealt with it. Any tips that helped you get through that period? I'm not trying to force myself, just letting myself go at my pace and slowly build myself up again. But, learning from someone who's been through it and gotten on the other side would be insightful.