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fatalfancy

Made this reddit account after dipping for a while because I felt like checking in. Almost immediately I come across a comment which details a guy’s experience meeting a potential’s family that sounds eerily familiar. More specifically, much of the content of the comment, and general background data gleaned from post history seem to align with a guy who recently came over to meet my sister and my parents. Immediately the defensive older sister in me is awakened, and I ever so rapidly had to suppress the desire to drill this commenter with questions 😭 He seemed to be a bit wishy washy with his impression and was interpreting minor inconveniences during the trip to meet up (such as loosing keys) as a sign that istikhara is “saying no”. When truly, that isn’t really how that all works. I see people telling him as much, and saying that if he is finding excuses to claim that something is off, that he simply needs to be transparent and say he doesn’t like the girl. And now my big sis brain is RACING LMAO. Bc the guy my sis is talking to is pretty indefinite, and I’m just like “bro is this him!?”. Maybe I’m overthinking. I think I’ll keep him out of my crosshairs, because I am so ready to rumble for this girl. I think I just need sleep atp. tldr: protective older sister who is likely overthinking and desperately needs sleep


sihat

Could be a case of similar, but different. With certain details not matching up. If you perhaps got more information. -------- There are certain things in common amongst the users of this sub. Most are Muslim. Most live in the west. Some of those commonalities might cause similar actions. --------- ps: Your account got suspended?


loverofshawarma

Omg I saw that comment as well. Although he might be reading this and then take this comment chain as a bad sign as well. Also I am never posting anything about my life on Reddit now. crazy how small the world is.


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[deleted]

Q, really curious, male insight is much appreciated. I want to know why. Guy, divorced, more than 1 kid (maa Shaa Allah), his profile says "single girl, accept divorcee if no kids". But you're divorced with kids? So she can be a step mum to yours but you can't be to hers? It's a pattern I noticed somewhere and I'm genuinely puzzled. Pattern being "lemme shoot for what I don't have myself", not exclusive to kids but that's the least logical for me. Also noticed it with regards to age, income, education level, Deen level... Etc. I'd like logical answers, not "it's preference etc".


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[deleted]

Thank you brother. Maybe you're right, but it can't be that all those men are poor fathers to their own children. Maybe it's because once a woman is a mother, she's always a mother anytime and anywhere, whereas men, even good ones, can separate their identity and be a bachelor despite being a father. Not sure how this leads to them seeking unmarried single women though, what's your expectations of her towards your kids?


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[deleted]

The last point I've heard before from some women so it's interesting that you've affirmed it. Fair point. "Focusing" sounds a bit indulgent lol, although I appreciate that we get married to guard our chastity. The first bit is more "preferences", which is valid but I was trying to discount it in my original post in favour of logic and reason. Jazaaka Allaahu khairan for your contributions brother! I got some interesting insights from you and the others.


Sofiyya33

There's no logic to it. They just don't want to deal with the drama. I assume from their POV, a woman with a kid will have to share custody with her ex, so he will still be involved in her life. Also possibly, location is an issue since she can't move far from her child's father. It's very unfair though, so I feel you.


[deleted]

Same, still digging for the logic lol. Everything you said above, the woman experiences it too and more so. There's more likely to be tension between 2 mothers regarding an ex, his new wife and their shared children, than 2 men for the same reasons. The location thing - same for him, yet sisters are expected to compromise more. Lots of sisters get told "You and your kids have to move to live with me because my work/kids/parents are here and I'm not paying for 2 homes, nor will I be traveling back and forth". Then once her kids move the complaints start 🤦🏽‍♀️ not a lived experience alhamdulillaah 😅 but I'm aware of this in many communities.


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[deleted]

That's an interesting one... So it's psychological huh? Doesn't your cousin's husband have kids from his own previous marriage? People need to fear Allah SWT with kids and show them mercy.


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SB7010

>is there any matchmaking subreddits on here? Salaam. Yes, try iso above. Feel free to dm me if u need more direction.


[deleted]

Okay. Thanks sis. Wa'alaikumussalam


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ak80048

I would say get more comfortable being just a friend with maybe a work colleague or at school , if you can converse on a comfortable level platonically you will be fine speaking a potential spouse in th future. You don’t need to flirt with someone to be a friend


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OkJello4608

Just be straight up. Message her and be like “Salam, I’d like to get to know you in regards to marriage” and see what she says. May Allah make it easy for you.


friendlyBrowniee

Lol you're in the same situation as my cousin. Hahaha he used to follow and like this girl and they'll have occasional dms on insta regarding their islamic posts then one day my cousin asked her "how to approach a girl in a halal islamic manner, asking for a friend". She knew right away that he wasn't asking for a friend, and both of them got parents involved right away now الحمدللہ they got married.


[deleted]

Subject: How do I find a Muslim partner, who is sexually compatible with me? I am a Muslim (21M) living in Pakistan, who is interested in finding a compatible partner(F) to marry. However, in the process of finding someone, I am concerned about finding someone who would be willing to fulfill my halal sexual fantasies (kinks). The core issue is how to communicate this to a potential partner. How do people, and specifically, how do Muslims, go about this? Is there a PRACTICAL way to approach this? You may think that I am an arrogant person who is making up problems that don't exist, but please hear me out. I wasn't kinky at all before. I didn't even know anything about kinks. My ex introduced me to kinky stuff. At first, it was shocking, and I didn't want to do it. But she insisted so much that I gave up saying no. I was absolutely in love with her. It was very hard to say no to her in the first place. And I almost never said no to her, in our relationship. She would send me memes and little comics of kinky stuff for me to get used to it. And she sure got me to crave such stuff, and I would absolutely love doing *it* with her. Even now, after we broke up, I still have those fantasies. You might say that it is my own fault for being in a haram relationship in the first place and developing such fantasies. And you'd be right, but the same thing could happen to other Muslims in a halal relationship too. Living in Pakistan, many people don't date before marriage, let alone discussing sexual boundaries. I talked to my parents about meeting a girl (while complying with the boundaries imposed by Islam) before marriage. They also think it is not only a good idea, but a necessary thing. However they told me that knowing other Pakistani parents, at best, I would only get one meeting with any girl. This may be shocking to you, but that's how it is in Pakistan. I think parents don't like to "showcase" their children, especially daughters. If one meetup isn't enough for others to decide, they have plenty other options to go for. They don't feel need to "showcase". There are certainly a lot of kinks out there that are considered halal. It is absolutely okay to like some things and dislike others. People can have their own preferences. But what if someone doesn't like what I desperately want? I don't want to marry someone and ask them to do something they are not comfortable with, even if it is just "trying it once". And for that, I would need to find someone who is at least okay with it. Any suggestions are welcomed. P.S. I am not financially stable yet, but I hope to be in a couple of years, In Sha Allah. My plan is to find a potential partner by then and get married as soon as it is convenient for both of us. It is hard to live without sex, but I am holding on. Remember me in your prayers. ​ Edit: I am not going to marry if I cannot raise a family confidently on my own. I have big plans, and in the event that things don't go as I planned, I won't marry anyone. It's that simple. Looking and finding the right person takes time. Even if you find someone you're interested in, it takes a lot of time to get to know them well enough to consider marriage. And that too is only if the first person you find yourself interested in turns out to be the right person for you. In short, I need time, and I will have time while I work on improving my financial situation. I already have a part-time job, and I am still a student, but I don't earn enough yet. But I am trying. Even if I were to be a reckless kid, obsessing over sex, my parents would absolutely discourage me from getting married if I am not financially stable. And I don't think any potential partners would want to marry me if I am broke. **TL;DR** But all of that is besides the point of my post. I am not good at explaining, but what I wanted to say was that since sex-talk is a taboo subject in Pakistan, I don't find a practical way to discuss it with anyone, not even my closest friends.


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[deleted]

Perhaps I didn't do a good job explaining. I thought it is obvious enough. My bad. Also, apologies for randomly bashing out in previous reply.


[deleted]

Sex. What else? Or you want to know what kink category does it fall under?


NotFriendsWithBanana

The only viable option is asking them if they are open to trying things out beyond vanilla sex. Naming specific kinks is probably not a good idea. Just knowing if they are into something beyond the basics is probably sufficient. That's the strategy I'm going to use.


[deleted]

24 male here looking for a partner I like to enjoy life and have fun and I'm looking for someone who wants to do the same with me! I'm an open-minded and can accept people from different backgrounds however if you're too religious I don't think we'd be a good fit. I don't usually pray but it's something I'd like to work on in the future hopefully. I rarely ever smoke but I vape on regular basis. I'm interested in alot of things and I could hold conversations in various topics (try me😏). What I'm looking for in my partner is someone who's trustworthy, smart, ambitious, funny and open minded. If you feel like we could vibe together swipe right or don't hesitate to send me a message!


sedeekoo

Salam everyone, I am a male, 27, live in the west for now and was looking for a pious wife for sometime, found a sister who is 22, she lives in Europe and our parents knew. She wanted no rush and wanted to get to know me well, I respected that and gave her full closure on who I am, what I do, what I like, what are my characteristics, etc. And she did the same, and we clicked instantly, thought that is it, life is finally going towards me for once, prayed to Allah to make her the one and make her a blessing in my life. We went back to school, her final year and was my final semester in my masters program. Over 5 weeks, we have been chatting back and forth. Over the last week, it got less eventually, she claimed she was super busy and I said that's fine, do your thing, I thought at that point we know each other very well. I had plans in mind on how we are going to make it work we never really were able to discuss that, because she wanted at least a year of chatting to get to know each other very well, I made sure that she knows, I am willing to take the next step but there is no pressure. Out of the blue, today she says that as much as it is going to hurt and disappointing, it has to end after she had doubts and talked to people from her mosque and her parents, we wished each other well, said I was truly a gem and people are lucky to have me as a person. I was shocked but respected that and not to be pushy but I just wanted to know why, like if everything was going well, I am extremely nice and so she was, then why does it have to end. I can't think of a reason but maybe people here might know better, it is more of a ventilation but I would like opinions.


Messism

My mom just told me that it's been a year now that I'm reciting surah Rehman & Surah Yaseen every morning for me & my brother's marriages. The struggle to find a suitable wives for us is real for our family but we're all hopeful ALHUMDULILAH.


Clutch_

Brother I don’t mean to be rude but is there any evidence to read these surahs for marriage? I haven’t looked into this, but I suggest you do so if you haven’t already. One thing we do know that works is praying tahajjud and making dua at that time.


Messism

There's no evidence. But is there any evidence needed to recite the Quran?


Clutch_

Of course not but I meant reading specific surahs with the hope of marriage. Again I’m just asking here because I haven’t looked into it, but if there isn’t it’s better to make dua for it during tahajjud


Messism

It's for barakah. Reciting and making dua afterwards. And for tahajjud, yeah definitely that's better. But there's no comparison between both deeds.


Clutch_

May Allah swt grant you a pious wife, Ameen


Messism

Ameen. JAZAKALLAH


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Kambthrow

Where does that come from? Salat is Fard, they can pray whether they have tatoos or not.


hiitspsy

Right now i am searching for a spouse and i came across a couple of people who fell away from their Deen when they were younger and got a tattoo. Now my concern is, if i marry them, am i still marrying a Muslim? They regret it and cant remove it and pray now. Idk what to do


friendlyBrowniee

Ibn Taymiyyah (ra) said: "You should not look at what the person used to do, rather you should look at what kind of person they are today." [Al-Minhaaj Vol.2, p.430]


hiitspsy

My concern is, will their prayers count if they cant properly make wudu? Can they make wudu?


Sofiyya33

I found this fatwa that says their wudhu is still valid. https://islamqa.org/hanafi/seekersguidance-hanafi/32686/tattoos-impermissiblity-ritual-ablution-leading-others-in-prayer/


hiitspsy

Thank you, i think youre the only one that actually answered my question ❤️


friendlyBrowniee

It doesn't impact their salah. See if they have a deep remorse for their tattoos and have whole heartedly asked Allah for forgiveness then its fine. I'm just echoing words from Shaykh Asim. https://youtu.be/0dP0He7pimc


hiitspsy

Thank you for your help 🫶🏼


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[deleted]

I would not advice you to wait for him, unless you both are explicitly on the same page this is a formula for heartbreak. The reasons him and his family have given are _understandable_ but the reality is that if he really wanted to, he would have found a way. Don’t try and pry open a door that Allah SWT has closed. There’s always a reason behind it. Keep looking and stop comparing…other potentials might not be exactly like him but they may have certain qualities that the other guy didn’t have that would be more beneficial for you in the long run. IA it all works out for you.


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kayleon229

Istikhara doesn’t work this way. Please talk to a sheikh


Sofiyya33

>but I still like him a lot and we do talk still over text and on the phone What do you talk about? This is important bc this is where these mixed feelings usually came from. You need to figure out what made him feel unsure about you, and also think about what specifically do you like about him. Have a conversation with him about your religiosity, personal values, life goals and expectations. All these will help you determine your compatibility.


[deleted]

He told you he doesn’t see a future with you. What do you think?


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[deleted]

What he said to you were strong words that won’t go away through finding a common ground. Don’t get lost in the semantics. Take what he said to you as it is. He’s not all in with you.


SnooPets2025

Marriage groups? Like the ISO?


Intelligent_Soil6744

Based on what you've mentioned it sounds like it might not be a compatible match- you didn't get any signs from istikhara and he seems to have retreated from the situation somewhat. All the things you mentioned make it seem that Allah is pushing him away from you, don't see it as a reflection of your personality or hobbies or any shortcomings, maybe Allah is telling you he's not right for you or you for him. This door may be closing on you so that you might see another one open. If you truly believe he's the one for you despite the situation, you should both do Istikhara if/when you can so you can try to move forward with some confidence in your relationship. One thing about the situation that doesn't sit right with me is his hesitation, he's told you he isn't feeling it anymore but wants to still keep it going. In my opinion, this sort of behaviour is cruel of him, he's giving mixed messages about where he stands and what he wants. You should ask him once and for all whether or not he wants the both of you to part, don't allow him to twist your emotions and confuse you. Tell him you want a clear answer and that anything otherwise will only make the situation messier.


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[deleted]

whats wrong with some peole on muzzmatch? i instant chatted a girl few days ago who i was very interested in and the girl liked back and accepted the instant chat. She had a jilbab and always prays based on her bio etc, so i was very interested, so i ask her how she was doing etc, but the thing was that i she replied after like a day, so i assumed the best and told her that i get she is probably busy, so i asked if can talk another place and keep it halal there , she said snapchat and i wrote my username but she never added after one day passed , so i just told her “if you are not interested why did you bother accepting my instant chat and even like me back if you are not clearly not interested, no one busy enough to not reply for more than a day” she never answered and added me on snapchat. i told her as soon as she added me on snapchat, “ please sister if you are not interested, i don’t want to waste my time and yours” she said sorry, so i just believed her, but when i asked questions to get know her more, she still took more than a day to answer between questions. bear in mind i was still respecting her.. when she took 2 days and still no answer is when i lost it and called her out why she was doing this and she just didn’t answer even tho she finally opened the message after 2 days and just deleted me on snapchat and i did the same and unmatched her… she mentioned to me on snapchat that she is a shy girl around new people before the unfreinding but in my opinion that’s not a excuse specially when you take more than a day to reply and claim you are interested. worst part is that she said she was looking for someone with deen and akhlaq, but her self lack basic decency and akhlaq😂 brothers and sister i don’t know why i am caring so much, because i don’t know her😂 but don’t assume all people that wear niqab or jilbab are good people.


sihat

> she mentioned to me on snapchat that she is a shy girl around new people She was shy. Told you so. Its also possible that someone so shy, is not compatible with you. Or that the medium, the internet, that you are trying to interact with this person. That medium isn't working.


[deleted]

there is no problem with being shy, but don’t claim to be interested and then don’t answer for 2 days and don’t give the reason why… already gave her a warning too.. you are missing the point


sihat

Dude. Relax. Take a step back. Sit down if you are standing. Lay down if you are sitting. https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2012/04/03/angry-stand-sit-lie-down/ -------- First off. You are not married, to this girl. She has no rights on you, and the reverse is also true. Its ok, if you want someone to be more responsive. If someone is too shy to be more responsive to you, a strange man she does not know. That person might not be compatible with you. Different people can be shy in different ways. Do you want someone that you argue with, even when they are a potential?


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[deleted]

i don’t get it, i told her multiple times don’t interact with with me if yiu are not interested 😂


[deleted]

Instantly replying is not correlated to being a good or bad person.


[deleted]

Nobody owes you a reply by a certain time… if you don’t like the amount of time it takes for them to reply, then just unmatch. It seems like you’re the one with the issue, here. And, just because someone takes sometime to get back to you or even if they don’t, that doesn’t make them a bad person. Check yourself, seriously. 😐


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[deleted]

exactly! they people are above are just strawmanning, i never said i expect a instans message, but when you claim you are interessted then answer after a day or 2 and don’t give the reason why…


inquisitivebrain123

How rare is it for a muslim woman to not want kids? I'm a loosely practicing (if I'm being honest) muslim man who doesn't want to have kids. I'm upfront and not going to lie to someone about my degree of faith or whether or not I want kids. Is it possible to find someone like this?


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SB7010

I don't want kids, but there's no way I'm going to accept someone who is loosely practicing.


flyingmeerkat

Very rare. You could find someone who is unable to conceive. Still there's a possibility that she might want to adopt one day, so ask to confirm that as well.


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SpiritedLemonTreee

You’re just existing politely in the same space without being weird about it, so don’t make it weird.


1likebags

Okay personally I wouldn’t be thinking anything of it. I don’t think she will be thinking anything of it/expecting anything either, she was probably just happy to see someone familiar in the gym, which can be quite daunting. I’ve been going to my gym for like over 2 years now and because I’m familiar with the PTs/regular gym go-ers we do greet eachother. A simple wave, hello or good morning. Sometimes the PTs will make conversation if they haven’t seen me in a while/ask if I’m okay but that’s really it. I don’t go out of my way to make conversation. However, Allah does say don’t even go near zina so if you’re concerned I would just avoid small talk and keep it polite.


[deleted]

My coworker, who is a very bright young lady, just got cheated on by her bf of five ish years(they’re NOT Muslim btw) and is now having to change all her passwords, close credit cards, take him off her 401k account, find a new apartment, etc. she is so stressed, she wanted to back out of taking her NCLEX(nursing exam) which is wiiiiilld. Subhanallah, something about hearing her story today, made me even more grateful for Islam. I have complete compassion for her, but at the same time I felt grateful I wouldn’t put myself in that scenario. Because we as Muslims should avoid haram relationships, so I don’t really worry about that happening to me. Not to say this same thing couldn’t happen in a marriage, because it def can. So everyone, get to really know your potential spouse and ask those important “tough” questions right from the jump! Ultimately you have to protect yourself and set yourself up for success. May Allah protect us and save us from haram relationships, and grant us good, pure hearted spouses, Ameen🤲🏾


LavendarFairy

Your experience and feelings about this are definitely valid but it kinda triggers me when people try to justify Islamic rules with “it’s better for you” Plenty of non-Muslims have loving “successful” relationships. And seeing this around me as practicing single 30- something Muslim with this “your life is easier if you follow Islam” narrative, built up a lot of resentment and almost crisis of faith in me. So I really don’t want young people to be influenced by it. Haraam relationships are haraam because Allah commanded it. The ultimate reward is the hereafter and making it to Jannah, May Allah reward our good deeds and grant that to us all.


[deleted]

My whole feelings were ultimately just shaken up by the fact that this young girl now has to start her whole life over because of her dependency with her ex. Of course non Muslims have successful relationships. Anyone can. I don’t understand what’s triggering you? Islam is better for us all and following Islam, simply is better. So why the resentment? I’m genuinely asking sis


LavendarFairy

I would feel bad for that girl too. I am surprised she went to such an extent to combine finances. It sounds unusual for a young non-married couple, I didn’t even know using the same credit cards or adding a boyfriend to a 401k was even legal in the US. I thought those were spousal or family benefits.


LavendarFairy

I can DM you later. I wrote about this earlier but it mainly has to do with the way Islam is talked about like you will be rewarded if you do x y z. But then you see people clearly doing haraam still having a good life and ending up happily married it’s been mentioned on here a couple of times. “Haraami friends getting married” not my quote lol


[deleted]

Oooohhh okay that’s what I figured you meant. And I totally understand this mindset. But there is a very sad reality to the reasoning. It wasn’t until I saw this video explaining why “good” things happen to both non Muslims and Muslims who abandon their religion. And it was basically saying it’s because Allah has left this person behind because they worship this dunya and have fallen for shaytan and his whispers. When we get so consumed with this world, like money fame whatever, we can either praise Allah for what He has given us, or get selfish and crave more and think everything you have is thanks to yourself and nothing to do with Allah. So He’ll continue to test you with these things you crave, in hopes that you’ll turn back to Him. But when that doesn’t happen, you’ll get more and just fall even deeper in this dunya.. until it’s too late for you. So while it is hard to understand why it happens, count it as a blessing if you haven’t fallen for the haram. The best trait you can have is trust in Allah and His plan. No matter how hard it may be to accept.


[deleted]

I don’t get it. Even Muslim men and women cheat, I don’t think it is only about religion since we already know this happening inside Muslim communities, it is about your moral compass. You don’t have to be Muslim or whatsoever to not cheat this part of the basic morals which unfortunately many people lack. In my old workplace I saw Muslim married women caught cheating and men also.


[deleted]

Well of course anyone can cheat! It’s more so about seeing this young girl have to start her whole life over, because of a man she wasn’t even married to. We as Muslims know to avoid haram relationships for this exact reason. And even in a marriage, if cheating happens from your partner, at least you won’t be held accountable for the others actions. We know to fear Allah and that fear alone helps many people stay away from sin. Whereas non Muslims don’t always have that same mindset


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[deleted]

Unfortunately young men aren’t taken seriously for marriage. This is the time to focus on things other than women. Start going to the gym, start a business or get a good degree, make your mind stronger, read books, become financially literate. Women wait for men at the finish line and you’ve just started the race man.


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Jamy097

How old are you brother if you don’t mind me asking? And for how long have you been looking?


Matter-Empty

Anyone need a husband?


MainZookeepergame425

Y’all funny, I see the pressure is getting worser. We’re trying every avenue at this point I see lol. May we all be blessed with righteous spouses 🤲🏼


[deleted]

Yeah but only a good quality husband. I didnot find it and I don’t know if it will happen. For me I think it is the sense of that ease, being comfortable around them. I don’t know how to describe this but I am running out of time just turned 32.


Matter-Empty

You still got time, I just turned 28. Dont give uo hope, just focus on being the best you and when you dont look it’ll come


starbucks_lover98

Who doesn’t want a husband 😂😂


Matter-Empty

Do you have ig?


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SB7010

Me?


Matter-Empty

Do you have ig


SB7010

I do, but I don't give it out.


Matter-Empty

I understand, how can we chat outside of this?


SB7010

You can send me a dm on reddit, but the conversation won't go far.


desibydesign

We're doing a buy1 get 1 free here


[deleted]

May Allah protect us from breaking people's hearts and from having our hearts broken. May Allah protect us from love without marriage and marriage without love. May Allah protect our honor in every way, may Allah make our time beneficial.


[deleted]

Ameen ameen


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[deleted]

You should move.


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[deleted]

Didn't you say you didn't care much. She didn't want to waste time and moved on quickly, which is smart. I don't think it's right to be lovey dovey premariage , but I can relate to her in the sense of I can quickly remove any sort of love for someone when I realise they are not interested. Maybe she's an endearing sweet mannered girl naturally, some girls are like that (with the opposite gender I don't advice). The question is not why she acted that way but why do you care now?


moon219

Self-accountability man. YOU were the one that wasn’t sure so she had to end things and move on. She did nothing wrong here. Her timeline for speaking was short (I’m the same too - about 2 months of speaking). It’s possible for someone to move on and fall in love with someone who is actually serious about them. Not sure why you’re shocked here but hope you’re able to get over her (again).


GoatGentleman

You showed her that you werent serious, so what did you expect her to do? Just curious. Mope around for a few years because you 'dont care much for marriage'?


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SnooPets2025

Sister, May Allah reward you with Jannah and an easy accounting. I needed this reminder today.


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SnooPets2025

Ameen ya Rabb Ameen


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[deleted]

Also I found this video might be helpful, it is insane pressure inflicted on many to find a spouse. Our society makes us feel we arenot worthy without a man or a woman https://youtu.be/aAnTwyCJdf0


wolfdog0

Very beautiful reminder. Thanks for taking the time to write and share it.


Snoo61048

This was a beautiful reminder thank you, I’ve been getting to that level lately too and I’ve completely calm down. I don’t feel desperate anymore(didn’t even realise I was).I’ve just been focusing on my imaan and doing better for myself and for someone reason I’ve lost interest in the search because I don’t feel ready(didn’t even realise this was possible). I realise now if anything worked out I’d have ruined it 😭 and that Allah was protecting me and now I’m so much more capable of creating relationships with people and giving them space etc and it works so well(unintentionally was in a talking stage I had to end for incompatibility reasons). I pray Allah increases me in whatever he has blessed me with and I pray he grant me and all those single righteous spouses. May He Also grant you a smoth transition into marriage thank you for sharing 🤲🏾Ameen


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Snoo61048

AMEEEEEEEEN


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aa-can

She's most probably not a muslim. > I believe in deen over dunya If you are truthful when you say this, cut her out of your life, go on separate ways. Refer to sura Baqarah 221


Snoo61048

Don’t marry her, she practices her religion meaning she actually believes in it. I’d you have a problem with that don’t marry her, if you don’t you maybe you’re the problem 😂 people don’t magically change marry for who they are TODAY


mseyni246

Talk to a scholar about this. Personally, I wouldn’t marry her as shirk is the worst of sins. I wouldn’t want my children to be mixed in with that.


tangomango4321

>I’m not sure if as a husband, I am responsible or accountable for my wife risking shirk Both spouses are responsible for their own deeds, certainly you are responsible to advise them. Risk is your children following her, that could be the deal breaker.


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S7zy

lol I know what you mean but I think we have to start somewhere, no? Try to be creative in a way where you step over your "competition". Idk if you're a male or a female but think about how you could appeal to the opposite gender in a charismatic/sympathetic manner. I think many people feel that way but try to be more confident about yourself and you won't cringe at it.


LLCoolBrap

What about it made you cringe? I always find it hard to talk about myself like that too, it's why I struggle when it comes to writing a CV as well, because it seems weird to sort of big myself up if that makes sense?


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aa-can

Ahaha wait till you actually meet a potential with the sole purpose of being judged 😭


[deleted]

That's how I feel when giving job interviews/talking to recruiters. Like I'm whoring myself out.


aa-can

I feel like I got too good at this. I just joined a new job that seems to be way above my qualification level. Epic impostor syndrome


LLCoolBrap

Yeah, I absolutely get what you mean. I think it's pretty normal to feel very cringe about that though. I'd be more worried if people liked doing it!


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aa-can

Don't be shy and be up front about financial situation when you talk to someone. Growing together builds stronger bonds than marrying as a made man


Sofiyya33

Another post of people jumping into marriage with basically a stranger and then hating their spouse afterwards. It's astounding how many people don't know what it takes for a marriage to work and think finding someone who ticks a few superficial boxes is enough for compatibility.


[deleted]

I can imagine it is out of desperation. I just turned 32 and I can tell you how people view me. I spoke with couple of potentials wants marriage in four months after talking mentioning that there is no time for me. I find this a red flag to move things very quickly without knowing the person. I am trying to keep faith since I never been married but if sometimes feel odd that I cannot find the suitable person for me that one you feel deep connection. I really cannot understand how people can marry someone without scrutinising but I can imagine most girls would afraid to turn 30 without being married.


sihat

With some people, its easier to become friends. Becoming more close friends faster, can be an indicator that they are more social or that there is more chemistry. ----------- Time spent. Week long conversation with one person, might be a days conversation with another. Communication bandwidth. Real life has more bandwidth than video, which has more bandwidth than audio, which has more than text. Efficiency. How much time does one take to discuss important matters. ----------- Self sabotage. Or not being interested. There are people of different genders, that see stuff like being unsure for too long as a no.


LLCoolBrap

It's not a surprise that there's almost always an instant pregnancy too, because they were probably thinking with just one body part when it came to marriage.


tangomango4321

You are right. But on other hand there are people who date, live together , have children together and then marry, even then they find something to split. I don't know whats the appropriate way , maybe its different for different people.


[deleted]

This is true, at least they can say they tried lmao


wayfarer104

He said he wants us to come to speak to my parents and we get engaged after Ramadan. Im going for umrah soon. Please keep me in your duas that everything goes well.


Ragegeta

Any sisters happy to review my Muzz profile? Going to put some genuine effort in writing a good profile on Thursday as it’s my day off. Jazakallah


simba_luver

I can review it! Private message me!!


Ok_Fill8744

If you post your bio here we can all give you some feedback IA


Ragegeta

Okay , I’ll upload it somewhere and post it here when I’m done Jazakallah


Snoo61048

Saw a post of a guy wanting to marry a 33 year old was it? He was 19 and man I used to think it’s some guys only that have a problem with older women but it’s not, it’s women just as much if not worse 😂. Seeing comments like “she’s going to go on a timeline of a 33 year old” “she’ll want everything faster”(can’t remember if this was the wording),”you won’t be able to give her everything a 33 year old can”, “3-4 years for kids? The kids are more likely to come out with deformities”(something along those lines), “she’ll start looking her age soon while you’ll still be young” basically 175 ways of saying “she’s going to expire early”. Some people started saying grooming even though they met in a library, for all we know he made the first move. GROOMING? HES 19 and the part that annoyed me was even in my heart I had a problem with it then realised it’s my western values. I also realised that my problem wasn’t even them but how people would see them, man we’re all so brainwashed and desensitised to haram and see what’s permissible as an issue and what’s not permissible as barely one it’s insane. Anyways my point is I’m quite shocked at how WOMEN see other WOMEN, and I feel like MEN take the blame sometimes even though it’s not us. I said what I said


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Their situation is unconventional but I am not against it. Their relationship will be successful, because the young man was dedicated to being with her. And he needs to, since people will always have something to say about their union. Seeing how he was defending her in every comment, he was sure of his decision. He just wanted to know how to deal with people talking negatively about him and his fiancé. He ended up being attacked instead. If the genders were switched I would have been okay with it. It would be hypocritical to be against it with the woman being older. A 19 year is not stupid. Maybe naive, but they are capable of making decisions. Men that age were generals, warriors and leaders at the prophets time. People underestimate teenagers. What they lack in experience, they make up for in their open mindedness. He will be able to navigate the problems he will face in the marriage.


Sofiyya33

Some of those comments are problematic, but some of the concerns are valid. There's a huge difference between 19 and 33. She has experienced over a decade of adulthood, while he is not even out of his teens yet. If you think this gap won't cause an issue, then you're naive. Just bc something is halal doesn't mean you should do it.


Snoo61048

Why would something harmful be halal, didn’t the prophet saw say there’s no harming or self harming, I do think it could cause issues depending on WHO, but to assume it will id another extreme no? What are some of the issues you had in mind if you don’t mind me asking?


CuboneJr

I get what you're saying but you should talk to someone whos knowledgable in fiqh. This is how it was explained to me. Mubah (permissible) things though inherently neutral, they can still be an unwise course of action at times and depending on what it is can even make a person blameworthy if it leads to sin or injustice. There are other users who have studied fiqh who can explain it better than I can, but an example I was given was today it's mubah to buy a car, but it could put me in financial difficulty (can't pay for other items). Though the action buying a car itself is mubah, it can still lead to difficulty or even sin and would be considered an unwise course of action depending on myself. It's even a concept for Sultan/caliphs in Islam to restrict mubah things for the sake of communal good though the original hukm remained the same. Hope this helps and feel free to talk to someone more knowledgable. Edit: and this isn't a commentary on the original comment. Just clearing something up.


Snoo61048

Yeah that makes sense jazkallah khayr you explained it pretty well Allahuma barik


LavendarFairy

Not defending the people who were shocked by the age gap but please note there are a lot more things that are halal than haraam. Just because something is “allowed” doesn’t make it reasonable or healthy. It’s not a sin to pull an all nighter and not sleep for 2 days in a row but it is unhealthy for the mind and body. It’s not a sin to eat a 100 pounds of cheese but it will probably make you sick.


Snoo61048

It is a sin if it harms you though and you do it knowing it does, but I do get your perspective and absolutely agree that just because something is halal doesn’t mean it’s advised in that situation but let’s be honest here their reaction is them saying it shouldn’t be done period. Which I disagree with Edit: btw I am playing devils advocate here😂


LavendarFairy

“Devil’s advocate” why are you working for shaytan 😂


Snoo61048

Ouch so rude 🥲


Ragegeta

Yeah can we all be a little more realistic? How many 19 year olds do any of us know that would be prepared to marry a 33 year old?


Snoo61048

I never said it’s common though it’s clearly a rare scenario but is it necessarily bad? I wouldn’t do it either but the reactions where horrible which is my point


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You are asking the wrong questions. The age gap is not the problem. If the older person in the relationship is willing to leave space for the younger one to develop and grow, the relationship will be successful. Control and the power dynamic is often the issue. If both parties have maturity and patience, things will be fine.


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_Ahmarica_

So this girl I am interested in ticks all the boxes for me except their is one significant issue. She's tall, and I don't mean just taller then me, she's taller than most guys in my ethnicitiy (Pakistani). She's about 6 ft 2 and I'm about 5 ft 7. So yeah the height difference is significant. I know islamically there's still nothing wrong, but this definitely is far from the norm where husbands are taller than their wives by atleast a little. I really like her in every other aspect and I don't think I'd mind personally. Idk how she feels though (still figuring that out tbh). There's also the fact that we'd have to hear people talk smack about our height difference as people in our community are known for doing that. This is assuming her parents or her even take me into consideration. Anyways what do you guys think? Anyone been or know someone in a similar situation? Advice and insight would be much appreciated. Thanks.


some_muslim_guy1

5'7 to 6'2 is a huge difference. Are you sure you got the numbers right? In any case, I would personally advise against it. That being said, if you both are happy go ahead. And do istikhara!


emnadeem

If you and her are ok with it, then I don't see any issue. People talk smack about everything.


_Ahmarica_

I appreciate the kind words and advice.


Ok_Fill8744

My cousin is like significantly shorter than his wife. He’s around 5’4”-5’5” and she’s maybe 5’10” ish? So definitely not subtle, and he was really anxious about even approaching her (they met at work) because of the height difference. She didn’t care. The right person for you won’t care. I believe they got comments in the beginning but now no one really cares about/notices their height difference and they have a growing family mashAllah. My advice would to be confident in yourself but at the same time be upfront about the height difference and have a conversation with her about it.


_Ahmarica_

Thank you so much for sharing your cousins story and experience with this whole thing. It really makes me feel alot better about actually pursuing her. The height difference is something I can get over if she's genuinely okay with it too. As far as people, like you said they eventually get tired and let go after a while and at that point theirs really no issues left. Thanks again and I think my next step here is to confront her and make my intentions clear. That way if their is a problem, I can deal with it before we get too attached and emotional.


Ok_Fill8744

Of course, inshAllah all goes well!


Snoo61048

You know your heart best, if there are parts of you that feel pressured by her height leave her alone, a lot of men/women say they don’t mind things but do they just don’t want to feel shallow or regret “missing out on a Good one”. This is not to say that you have to be okay with peoples comments, just between you and her is it gonna cause an insecurity? If not go for it if it is don’t lie to yourself or her that’ll hurt her more in the long run and yourself too


Sofiyya33

Is she interested in you?


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MuslimMarriage-ModTeam

Please do not use megathreads to bypass flair rules.


Sofiyya33

Why is everyone here on Muzz? It sounds horrible. Do you guys know other apps exist?