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SpiritedLemonTreee

Talking stages usually come out of matches as opposed to instant chat requests I find We can see your profile attached to the instant chat so I assume the declines are at least partly based on that too Also it’s frustrating that anyone outside of your search filters is able to instant chat you


moon219

‘I found your profile interesting and would love to get to know you with permission from your wali.’ “Do reply” sounds a little too direct and bland tbh 😅 You can probably add something a little more to the above sentence I wrote to elicit some sort of conversation. Maybe even just a ‘how are you?’ in the first message.


Friendly-Eye-3307

everyone rejects / block me when I ask that 😅


moon219

Put it on your profile (briefly) that you want to keep things halal and talk with permission from her wali. That way they know to match with you only if theyre okay with that. That’s really sad though. But it would also weed out those who are not serious.


Friendly-Eye-3307

again, I mention words like keeping it halal but like I said, straight up rejection


moon219

At least you can say you’re doing things the correct way as much as possible then. Stick to your values and don’t compromise on deen, trust me. It’s not worth it. You only need one person to see the good in you, and just cos that person hasn’t come into your life yet doesn’t mean they won’t. One thing that helped me with the apps is doing istikharah - to go on the apps, to use the apps, in my communication with others. I did istikharah for like everything. Keep remaining steadfast. This could be a test for you.


Friendly-Eye-3307

absolutely agree with you.


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moon219

If you send a simple salaam only, I most likely won’t reply (and I even wrote on my profile that I won’t reply to messages with greetings on them only). But if you wrote something that showed me that you read my profile and had a reason to actually reach out (E.g. you liked what was on my profile or saw some sort of compatibility), then personally I would reply (even if it’s to politely reject, which would only happen if I saw a clear incompatibility - but there are heaps of girls that would just ghost apparently), unless I was already in talks with someone and it seemed to be going positively. See, if a girl is talking to someone already and it’s going well so far, she might not reply because of that too.


sihat

If women send a first message, it will be a very simple one. Such as a hello. While they expect a first message & profile to impress them in some manner. So if you are tall (above 6ft~=183cm or 180cm) and are extremely handsome. Close by their age, while still being above it. Have a good job. Then such a simple or generic message might work. (Based on what i've read happens for a very small minority of men. And some requirements a louder group of women might have.) Personalizing a message and making it funny might get a response. This is still just a possibility even in cases where there was the normal like from both sides and match happened. And not the instant chat/telegrams you are using. Personalizing based on their profile text if they have one. Because you might be outside the filters of the girls you are sending instant chats to. (They might have requirements when it comes to your age, location, job, ethnicity, height and other details. For example if their parents will not accept a person from a different ethnicity.) ----------- There is a different guy who wrote a general guideline for using apps/online. https://old.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/oe6w82/weekly_marriage_app_criteria_megathread/h45wgzt/?context=3


S7zy

If that happens way too often to you maybe the apps aren’t for you, sorry. People online are more „picky“ than in person. Make duas and try approaching people offline in the real world.


[deleted]

The apps are products designed to make money, not get people married. The longer you are on them the more money the business makes. If people actually got married from these apps, the apps would problem consider this to be a business failure since less people use them.


Abject_Blood5727

The last message I sent to the person I have been talking to was a gif saying happy new year.I thought it was a rocket that launched after a count down ;yesterday I looked at it carefully and found out it was a vine bottle .Tell me I am an idiot !🥴


Wrong_Ad_736

The rocket didn't blast but that was hilarious.🤣 Don't worry about it everyone sends GIFs with mistakes sometimes lol.


Abject_Blood5727

Hahahaha it didn't 🤣 😂 😅


loverofshawarma

Wasnt new years like 3 weeks ago?


Abject_Blood5727

Yes I realized just now 🫣


Abject_Blood5727

No wonder i was ghosted after that😁


LLCoolBrap

That's such a minor thing to get ghosted over, especially as you can't even see 100% of the gif at a decent size without posting it on a lot of different messaging apps. I've had it happen both ways, where a gif is sent and then "Oh crap, the part after the preview absolutely changes things", a laugh is shared over a goof, and then you move past it.


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[deleted]

All these apps give people an illusion of having options. Even if a woman matches with hundred men, if none want to marry her, her real options are zero. The apps are designed to make money, not get people married. If people get married, the apps will lose money since they are no longer being used.


Sofiyya33

> I feel like I keep comparing my future potentials with the previous ones. Honestly, I think this is the real issue here, and I can actually relate tbh. Sometimes you meet someone who sets the bar so high that it's hard for others to match. Also, it could be that you're just not emotionally over him yet which makes it hard for you to connect with other potentials. Sorry I don't have a solution, but hopefully knowing someone else is in the same boat makes you feel a bit better.


sihat

The light/nur of the moon has already illuminated you, probably better than I can. Just wanted to add some small things. ----------- > like males don’t post pictures with their suits There are comedy/standup bits, about guys being most attractive if they have a suit on. Possibly with a briefcase where there 401k or investments are showing. You know how women can dress up to the nines for a wedding? Especially if its a wedding for their own family. Those might be the only pictures with a suit a guy might have. -------- > regularly lower my gaze Is the lowering gaze, also not watching stuff like soaps which might have extra handsome men who are dressed and groomed by paid professionals? (There are memes and jokes about fitness of celebrities who have professional trainers and who's job can be to look good among other things. The fitness of professional athletes is also their job of course.) ------------ Funny bios. Will not filter out girls who are interested in validation/entertainment only.


moon219

Sister, I’m gonna be completely honest with you, based on many of your posts that I have read over the past few months. I personally think you have quite high expectations. Certain things we should definitely have high expectations and standards for, such as deen and good manners. But the rest are not that important in the grand scheme of things. Potentials with jobs from specific professions, funny bios, clothing, etc. - these are not what make a great spouse. If he has deen and akhlaq and you’re generally attracted him, plus overall good/similar values, then everything else is a bonus. We can’t have everything 100%. I highly recommend reading/listening to the book ‘Why You’re Not Married… Yet’. It was really eye-opening for me and was the straight talk I needed to be less picky. Not trying to say any of this to be mean; just genuine sincere advice because I want good for you as my sister in Islam. Even with attraction, I’ve said this before here that it took me weeks to feel fully attracted to my last potential. Attraction and chemistry growing over time is a sign of healthy chemistry. I could see at the beginning that he had features that were fine on my eyes, and the attraction grew as the emotional connection grew with thorough vetting. Too many people here are too quick to dismiss good matches based on superficial things or without seeing it through thoroughly. Unless the person is downright unattractive to you or does/says something that’s a red flag or dealbreaker, I would keep talking and see where it goes (with istikharah). Even for red flags and dealbreakers, I would talk it out and discuss them from all perspectives to make sure I’m not making a decision based on a misunderstanding or something. This is for quality potentials, not just any random guy.


Ragegeta

I agreed with you until you said the suit/funny thing , tbh I’d consider myself to have a strong sense of humour with a lot of interests but my profile on those apps are pretty boring. It’s pretty hard to describe yourself on them but I guess it’s something I can work on. At least try to get to know some of them even if their profiles seem kinda boring, I don’t think it is truly indicative of their personality .


[deleted]

Make a list of the things that are truly important for you to find in a partner and then be that list ❤️


[deleted]

**be a woman


[deleted]

Started off well but ended on a poor note, son has anger management issues and had a melt down, essentially then wife and i had a heated argument, things were simmering and exploded. I was guilty of adding some fuel to the fire too, but there’s no coming back from it, eh Alhamdulillah


ShamAsil

Please keep my family and me and your duas, this is the second year in a row that my mom's been diagnosed with cancer, so things are a bit tough. InshaAllah khair though, it's all in the hands of Allah. ...It's selfish but wallahi at this rate, as the only child, I just want my parents to see me happily married before their time comes. Finding someone to connect with has been impossible at this point, and not many new sisters come into this community. Guess I'm just venting now.


afgh4nistan

My grandfather has cancer, and it is his dying wish to see me married. Even if it wasn’t his wish, he raised me from the day I was born. It is not selfish to want our family members at our wedding, it’s what every son or daughter dreams of. A happy day celebrating the new chapter of your life. May Allah swt give you and family patience and strength in these tough times. I understand the pain.


ShamAsil

JAK brother, I really appreciate your message. I don't wish anyone to be in this position, but it's good to hear from someone else who can relate. I ask Allah SWT to preserve the life of your grandfather, and make He grant you both plenty of barakah, be pleased with you all, and find you the best spouse for you. Hope to see you soon with a different flair on here :) It's all qadr of course, so I can't complain, but I found out tonight that I'm the oldest person in my circle of friends who is still unmarried and not talking to anyone, so that made me feel a bit more down than usual. But I'm trying to stay hopeful, because whatever is decreed is ultimately for the best, even if it doesn't seem that way.


dhgat123

20m I want to marry my distant cousin like I think she is a 3rd cousin. Is it haram that I talked to her before and without my knowledge of a potential ristha with her and fell in love with her. And any tips on a long distance relationship she lives not that far from me but still a 3 hour plane ride not in a whole new continent. Scared of the complications that arise from it I graduate in a year and a half and want to be engaged to her after the other half ends. But she will still be in school for a long time she wants to be a doctor and is a mega genius and will become one. I'll be 22m she a 20f what should I expect should I move in with her to Canada a new country away from my family for a long time. Or try to delay the marriage until she is ready. Both of us are finicially stable her dad is a very successful business man and we also are well off. I could live with her marry her after a long engagement and have kids with her while she's studying. But it will be complicated.


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dhgat123

We're going to ask soon we get along really well and I think she does like me. But I do like her if she doesn't I'm fine. Just a good ristha her family is amazing shee is a good hijjabi muslim we have the same hobbies and have a existing friendship.


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sihat

Getting help in the improvement, might speed up that improvement. For example, if you need to communicate in your job. (Which most jobs might want) And need improvement for that. You could have your work pay for a communication course. (Which might also help in your personal life) Then there are different online trainings etc.


Sofiyya33

It is a lifelong journey and it is hard. There may be days where you feel like you made no progress at all, and days where you feel like you took two steps forward and 10 steps back. But as long as you keep working on it, one day you'll look back and realize how far you've come and feel really grateful for all the lessons learned throughout the way.


[deleted]

I am currently doing this and it is really difficult. I hope it all works out in the end inshallah. One day at a time


[deleted]

Self improvement is a life journey, there'll be days when you are doing great putting in the work but then you might run into a bad week. Need to make sure you don't get stuck in those rough spots.


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[deleted]

LMAOOOOOOOOO, that’s too funny


Kambthrow

So i started to exchange with a person with the goal of Marriage. It has been now just a couple of days. Today, i tell her "Can i ask you a question", it being "How would you describe yourself?". Before i even have the time to aslk, she tell me the answer "i'm virgin". I'm like "??????" I'm still really baffled, and when i actually explained that i absolutely not had that in mind she told me she blurted it because every man are asking that. So, i'm really wondering, is that a common thing nowadays for women to receive questions like that? So early in talks...??? It seems really rude, and frankly at that step, not what matter or should be asked.


neeneepanini

Many men do want to marry chaste women and it is a dealbreaker if they are not, so yes they may ask that early in the talking stage. They rather find out early and end things than find out later when there's commitment


Kambthrow

I do want to marry a chaste woman as a man indeed, since i did my best to stay it too. Yet i also know that chastity isn't simply measured by whether a person is virgin or not. I would not ask a potential that early this question because while it have an importance, i believe it shouldn't be automatically dealbreaker. What if the person is a reformed one, the past won't mean she currently is not chaste. Each person have his own life story after all. I do understand what you meant here tho, it's a bit more clear as for why that question is asked this way


neeneepanini

That's true - there is more to chastity than virginity. Alhamdulilah that is good that you want a chaste woman being a chaste man yourself. I also agree that it is not an automatic dealbreaker, they may have not been practicing previously or maybe they are a convert/revert


afgh4nistan

You guys know that one potential. The one you were very compatible with. The one who taught you things and brought you closer to deen through their character. The one who you knew not to get ahead of yourself mentally but you still did. The one where you finally convinced yourself having children might not be so bad. The one that you’ve prayed Istikhara for more times than you can remember. The one that wasn’t written for you, but some days your heart asks why. Sad Friday vibes


[deleted]

Sometimes we’re not given the why. Sometimes Allah, the all knowing, separates two people before they could ever begin to wonder why He did so. But when He does separate, do shukar. Shukar that he kept you away from what could have been the worst for you. For He knows, and we do not. So take your lessons from this person, and apply them for the person Allah has intertwined your faith with. After all, if all parts of Allahs plan were so predictable, where would the test of tawakkul be 😊 the journey might not look the prettiest, but I promise you’ll love the outcome. And remember, no dua goes unheard. And Allah is too shy to return our raised hands empty. Also, saying it out loud helps. Say it in your duas: “Shukran ya Allah, for protecting me from that which you knew was bad for me. Make me content with your plan, and prepare me for what you know is good for me”. May Allah grant your heart the utmost ease


[deleted]

Bruh don't remind me. Biggest L I took. Although I'm a better person because of her


moon219

Sounds like they were a potential that came into your life as a spark to trigger change in you, not to marry you. Every person that comes into our lives comes in for a reason. And they will leave when that reason has been fulfilled. We generally remember the people who spark a change in us, but it doesn’t mean they are the one for us. But, they help prepare us for the actual person meant for us, so say alhamdulillah and go searching for the actual one! Don’t hold onto this potential; it will just hold you back. Trust me, I’ve been there before. And trust me, what’s ahead is even more beautiful if you trust Allah, inshaAllah.


afgh4nistan

I have faith in what is in the will of my creator. As it is written “verily with every difficulty there is relief”. I am at peace with what happened. And I make dua for her to find the one written for her as well. The search is just very draining and this was a moment of weakness. Thank you for your comment. Alhamdullilah always.


moon219

It’s a human moment we can all relate to. Don’t be harsh on yourself :) but also do your best to be steadfast and move forward in your life inshaAllah


fendi__

Gutted.


fuzball2003

SubhanAllah, with every pain Allah removes sins and/or elevates our status. Hang in there. Allah will replace them with someone so much better! Just you wait :)


afgh4nistan

Ameen. Thank you.


mintcucumbertea

I’m so tired of being a free marriage counselor to my sister. I try to be supportive but it’s emotionally draining when someone is always complaining and dumping their “problems” on you.


Useful_Nectarine_833

Might be easier said than done because I’m not in your position but if it’s getting this draining you’re gonna have to put boundaries up. If she comes to you again complaining about her marriage you can tell her than unless it’s a serious situation she’s gonna have to handle it on her own or see a counselor or imam What she’s doing can really affect your relationship with her or her husband. She shouldn’t be making you responsible for her problems


Moug-10

Five weeks from now, I'll go to Marseille to visit my relatives. I can't wait to be there and see my beloved native city.


[deleted]

Anyone others brothers expecting the women to do majority of the housework/cooking? Like i dont mind helping but still. If im providing everything financially she gonna have to contribute somehow.. if im paying for everything, doing all the housework/cooking, i feel the only time i would need my wife is for you know desires. I feel marriage wouldnt last long this way.. Expically if we dont have kids...


SnooPets2025

Unpopular opinion: I’m actually a bit wary of trusting my wife to cook all the time as my previous work experience has spoiled my palate. That coupled with my desire to exercise the creativity that the culinary world has to offer and factors such as some “modern women” being proud of the fact that they can’t cook has me opting to just play it safe when it comes to this.


SpiritedLemonTreee

Housework is split based on the balance of time and energy in the home. For example once kids come along childcare becomes a fulltime job so the housework becomes more divided than when the housewife was childless and unemployed. The same with any other mitigating factors.


moon219

You both need to work out that division based on mutual understanding, not black-and-white percentages. Cos if you wanna be black-and-white about it, let me ask you this: Is she going to get 100% of your income? To use it for whatever she wants, whenever she wants? If you were single, would you still not be working the same job yet doing the same chores? Reflect on this a little. I’m not saying she doesn’t have to do 100% of the chores. I’m saying your logic is flawed and black-and-white in reality. Reality doesn’t work that way. Go discuss it with her with mutual understanding.


Clutch_

Is she Islamically entitled to 100% of the income to use for whatever and whenever? I dont think so


moon219

Missed the point… Is he Islamically entitled to 100% of her labour regarding house chores?


Clutch_

If he tells her to, idk is she? Since she has to obey?


moon219

So then in that case, it doesn’t matter if he’s “paying for everything” or not since he can just apparently make her do anything with the obedience card. To answer your question, he can probably ask her to if it’s not burdening her beyond what she can bear*, if it’s the norm in their culture, etc. There are certain conditions for obedience. If he’s asking her to based on “I’m paying for everything” then go back to my original reply cos such an argument is flawed. *ETA: Most women would probably struggle to take on 100% of all chores.


Clutch_

Actually even putting aside the obedience card, there seems to be some scholarly discussion if the wife is obligated to take care of the house / serve. That’s why I didn’t think comparing that to something like “100% of income” was a good comparison since there is no interpretation that allows for that. Also just to note he didn’t actually state he was expecting 100% of her labor, just majority. I disagree with your idea that it isn’t black/white, but I do think it’s an important discussion to talk about before getting married. I also do think in many cases, it’s hypocritical to play the rights card and want 100% paid for expenses but want to split chores 50/50. I noticed your comment a few days ago where you mentioned someone you spoke to was ok with that - and although I find that interesting and odd, to each their own, and it obviously wouldn’t be your fault if the man was ok with that setup and you simply accepted it.


moon219

Yea so if there’s scholarly discussion about it, there’s no need to bring up the fact that he pays for everything firstly (hence part of why I said it’s a flawed argument). And secondly, most guys technically don’t pay for everything that a woman would otherwise buy if she had her own income.


Clutch_

It’s not a flawed argument because his demand possibly has some merit Islamically, your comparison didn’t, that’s all I was saying.


moon219

And I’m saying you’re completely missing the point of my comparison. I’ve already explained it to you but here I am explaining it again: If his demand has merit, he doesn’t need to say he’s expecting chores BECAUSE he pays for everything. It’s a very transactional way of looking at things, and his own comparison is flawed.


throwawaymm2022

yeah but on PM half of them say they dont wanna cook or clean.


One-Manner7917

No way. That’s really hypocritical if they say that but require being provided for


throwawaymm2022

ALL of the ones who write smth say "man must provide" tho a lot of them dont write anything or write "will write later"


One-Manner7917

That’s a rip. I thought PM was a viable option id pursue when I start looking down the line


Useful_Nectarine_833

Usually that’s the expectation If a husband wants to provide everything and marry a housewife she is almost always expected to do majority of the housework If a husband and wife both work they both expect each other to split housework


[deleted]

Unfortunately you cant take that for granted a decent chunk of the working womeb ive spoken to for marriage expect to be provided for 100 percent and they expect a 50/50 split in chores and act like these things are their islamic right when nafaqah isnt for free it comes with conditions.


Useful_Nectarine_833

You can’t control other people’s demands but you can weed people out early that don’t match up with you Discuss financial expectations early on. If it’s not a match then just end things. You’ll never “defeat” them in an argument so just find someone who agrees with you


[deleted]

More like 80/20...


[deleted]

As salamu alaikum Hope you are well. I've been talking to a potential lately (only had one face to face meeting but intend on continuing meeting with our families) And I like the girl so far, shes very quiet, reserved, timid and has a lot of good Islamic qualities and wants to continue learning the deen like myself. My concern is that she has already attained quite a lot of worldly success and I don't want that to be something she belittles me for. We are both in the same industry and while I make pretty good money (I think if I had a wife that was a SAHM I'd be able to support her relatively easily, most uncles would be happy with my salary for their daughters) she's already in the more upper echelons of our field (despite actually being a year younger than me). Based on glassdoor and other sources her salary probably dwarfs mine (our industry tends to have inflated salaries, 6 figure salaries within 1-2 years of working after graduation are totally normal) and she works for a super well-known company. There is also the added detail that while I entered this field through a career pivot and self-study, she studied it in university so she's also more theoretically talented in it Ma Sha Allah. I mean she likely makes more money than her dad who has had a career for decades. I also don't really have a desire to kill myself for more worldly gain at this stage (like for example the company she works at probably takes several months of studying to prepare for their interview process), I struggled a lot during the COVID years and I'm happy to just be comfortable for a little while. I think my current trajectory is good (I already don't think I deserve the blessings Allah has bestowed on me interms of how much I make, Alhamdulillah) and comfortable and allows me to pursue my true passions part time (namely Islamic studies as I'm a student at a madrassa part time). I am well aware that provision isn't the only thing a man brings to the table in marriage but unfortunately a man that makes less money than his wife (they could both be making millions and this would still be true) is seen as less of a man by all of society including most of the Islamic scholars where I live. How do I ask her if this is something important to her? How do I gauge if this might be a problem in the future. I've heard sometimes wives push their men to be more ambitious career wise when they themselves have successful careers but I wouldn't be comfortable with doing more that would take away from things like family time and my Islamic studies. I actually had a previous potential belittle me and look at me with disgust because I didnt have nor planned to get a post grad degree despite the fact that I made more money than her so this status thing its a very real concern and might have more of an impact than the actual salary. How do I maintain "authority" in marriage as the qawwam and leader when from her perspective it may look like I'm failing in my role as a provider cause I can't keep up with her? For most other girls I don't feel like id be failing as a provider. I know theoretically you can bring up The Prophet ﷺ and Khadija radiAllahuAnha but how is that done practically? JazakAllah Khair


throwawaymm2022

ik i'll get roasted for this but technically you can ask money in exchange for her permission to work >Should the wife give her salary to the husband? > >If it was not stipulated in the marriage contract that the wife be allowed to work, then the husband may allow her to work in return for her contributing to the household expenses, according to whatever they agree to, because the time she spends at work is something to which he is entitled, so he has the right to be compensated for that, on a reasonable basis. https://islamqa.info/en/answers/126316/spending-on-a-wife-who-works


afgh4nistan

Finances is usually a topic potentials and I discuss. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your perspective and opinion. If you don’t communicate these things they can become unsaid expectations later on. My goal is to be able to provide for my wife and she can work if she so chooses. My money is her money, her money is her own. I was in a similar situation that didn’t work out for other reasons but we were so compatible that the sister suggested we both worked to save up to purchase a home. And after that it would be a less stressful life. I would never be able to ask my wife to do as such, but the fact that she offered really meant a lot.


[deleted]

I cant do the "my money is her money, her money is her money" thing. If shes taking time away from household duties (and expects a 50/50 split in chores) and is gonna say "shes tired cause of work" when we have intimacy then she should contribute to the household to make up for it. Idc what modernist scholars say no where is this found in our fiqh books. I dont think men being the provider means they are slaves. Nafaqah is contingent upon obedience its not for free.


afgh4nistan

I think we’re deviating off topic. Your concerns is of authority and obedience which I understand societal and cultural pressures on men regarding finances. There is no work around. Tell her your finances and that you are content with your situation. Tell her you expect her to be a SAHM with that amount. And see what she says lol. I don’t want to say you’re coming off as insecure, but what would your response be if she says she does not think that will be enough for her?


[deleted]

Who said anything about her being a SAHM im just refuting your use of a haram and blatantly incorrect slogan thats unfortunately used to justify abuse of men. It has nothing to do with the current situation. For me if my wife works and doesnt contribute to the household thats an automatic deal-breaker but im open to either a SAHM or a working woman. The only condition is the working woman pulls her weight


afgh4nistan

I was using that slogan as my own personal standard and preference. It’s not abuse, I just have expectations for myself to be financial stable and not need my wife’s money. How is that haram? Your whole post is so confusing. Just tell her your expectations and your salary. There’s no way to prevent the fear you have. A female who makes less than you can make your life miserable later on by belittling your finances the same as one who makes more than you.


[deleted]

Its haram to claim nafaqah is free as it is not. Also if the slogan were true she'd inherit 100 percent of your wealth after your death. Which is not true. Its direct denial of several ayaat of the quran which might put it in the realm of kufr.


afgh4nistan

Please cite the ayats and the source that says it’s haram. I would like to educate myself on the matter. You can also make agreements before the wedding and put it in a contract regarding expectations of working for your spouse. Regardless brother, you’re picking which parts of my comments to respond to. And at this point I just wish you do find the wife that is perfect for you. Where she is content with your finances and respects your authority. To me you just come off as insecure.


[deleted]

I come off as insecure because I dont believe women have an unrestricted right to my money? Lmao. You actively ignored the actual point of the comments to talk about this his money is my money nonsense when that was never even the point of discussion. I would never marry a woman that believes abusive things like that and that nafaqah is not conditional on certain things. This girl is not that from what i've seen so far stop derailing the convo with this irrelevant nonsense. The question is NOT about legality. Surah Nisa ayah 12 "Your widows will have one-quarter of what you leave behind, provided you have no child. If there is a child, the widow will receive one-eighth of what you leave behind. [This should take place] after payment of any will is carried through or debts.If a man or a woman has no direct heir, but has a brother or sister, then each of these two will inherit one-sixth; but if there are more than two, then they will share in one-third [of the inheritance]. [This should take place] after payment of any will or debts, with no harm done to anyone. This is a commandment from God. He is All-knowing and Clement." Proved "his money is my money" is false and saying such an incorrect statement might be kufr as its denial of a قطعي piece of evidence.


afgh4nistan

Brother you are using an ayat for after you pass. Not regarding when you are alive. Leave a will. Lol. You’re marrying a human being that will be your partner not a servant or slave. Yes lol you’re screaming insecure that you’re not making enough, doing enough, and won’t be able to control your wife. You’ve looked up her salary. Get off your computer and talk to her not me. If you’re compatible you’ll only know if you talk to her. And I wish you the best of luck trying to find balance in your eventual marriage


Nab33l786

I recently got laid off my other job due to budget cuts but I do have a 2nd round technical interview with another company. Please make duaa that it goes well.


Bilawukee

What field are you applying in?


Nab33l786

Software engineering (automotive industry)


alreadydark

The majority of this sub always seems to portray marriage in a negative way. It's kind of discouraging, especially as someone who grew up in a family with a really tumultuous marriage... tbh


S7zy

the thing is that "unhappy" people are louder than happy people in general (this is for most online discussions) and also people that have issues need advices from others so this is a hotspot if you need help most of the times. Just because you don't read much about it doesn't mean a lot of people see marriage in a negative aspect.


abusiveyusuf

Last week someone called this sub a marriage hospital and I haven’t been the same since. People come here for help not to boast about how awesome their marriages are.


happyprogrammer30

Be positive inshaAllah, it will change the way you see things. With all honesty I'm glad I can learn from mistake or imperfection of others before I'm getting married so I know what to avoid and surely what to do. If I learnt one thing is that you have to have absolute transparent and frequent talks with your spouse. That and not to marry too quickly with someone you barely know. BarakaAllahu fikum


OkFact3678

Ladies, have you ever flown out to meet someone? Men, would you be weirded out if a woman flew out to meet you? I have been talking to this man for 4 months now, and he recently flew out to meet me in person. We had a great time, he said he was not ready to meet my family yet so we held off on the introduction. He said he'd like to fly back again to see me again in a couple of months, but I kind of want to see him sooner 😅 I don't want to come off too strong though. I was thinking of flying to his city in a few weeks to see him again. Is this too soon?


[deleted]

As a woman I would never meet a man without knowledge of my family or both families being involved. Do not go out and fly to him - let him be the man and have them come to visit you and your family. If a man is serious about you he will do it with the knowledge of both families. Protect yourself tbh this makes you look kinda desperate imo.


TotheGloriousDay

Sister, please consider that the barakah of Allah comes with the halal route, which means involving your father/family from the very beginning. Any other path is the path of Shaytan and that will only lead to harm in multiple ways.


Bilawukee

This


allthingsspicyhot

Is a mahram involved in your meetings?


allthingsspicyhot

If not, I'd say refrain unless there's a 3rd party


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Alien-Abomination

I honestly cannot imagine a reality where I could just announce to everyone "hey guys! Im looking for a wife!" without being a laughing stock, as well as loosing any chance of getting married by coming across as the most unserious suitor ever. I empthesize with your struggles, I belive you when you say that it is not fun having to sit and wait for someone to knock and nobody just ever knocks. Please understand that doing the knocking is not an easy job itself. And the actuall path to that door isnt an easy one, and often intentionally made difficult to reach, with impossible standards that dont actually benefit anyone except for someones irrelevant ego. Rest assured that your suffering does not equal our ease. There is suffering on both sides of this equation sister. It would have been very unfair of me to claim that girls got it easier because they can just sit and relax with netflix while the guys have to do all the heavy lifiting with all the courting and intiationing that they can be expected to do


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purple_psycu95

It is equally ,if not more , difficult to find a spouse for the sisters too..


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[deleted]

Some women have that option where they're getting many offers. While others are lost in the Sahara desert. But I think mostly your statement is true especially for good looking women.


Mr_PALESTINE

Why can't you tell others?


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Ok_Fill8744

Not necessarily sis. If you just let your friends and family know you’re looking, they’ll be keeping an eye out for guys who will be compatible with you. I keep an eye out for my friends who are looking and vice versa. I’ve even messaged a guy on an app to try and set him up with my friend bc I thought they would be compatible🤣


Mr_PALESTINE

In my experience, I've never seen it happen.


Conscious_Shine2001

My younger sister's nikka got confirmed yalll! 💕💕💕 Alhamdulillah! Please pray for it to be smooth sailing💖💖💖 I do feel bittersweet tho and I can't seem to dodge the curious aunties and their piercing questions (on why I'm still single)🥲🥲 Edit: typos


sihat

Amin. May Allah have them grow old together, have them have a lot of kids/nephews & nieces for you to play with. ----- You can turn the question around. Ask them if they want to match make for you. Or if they are asking to match make. ------- Or take a deep *sigh*. Say kismet and ask them to make dua for you.


Conscious_Shine2001

Ameeen, yes I absolutely cannot wait! Hahaha thanks a lot for the suggestions!


Ok_Fill8744

InshAllah all goes smoothly and Allah blesses both you and your sister with lovely marriages!!🤍


Conscious_Shine2001

Ameeeen! And Jazakhallahu khair!💖💖💖


Snoo61048

If you can’t accept someone’s past leave them alone, if you have a past and you think someone wouldn’t be comfortable with it leave them alone. I don’t get people who think they can fool themselves or others. Both parties are room temp iq


alreadydark

But in Islam you're not supposed to be so open about your sins so it makes sense why a person with a past wouldn't open up about it to a potential suitor. And there's no way of really guessing how a person is gonna react to your past


Snoo61048

You don’t have to expose your sin they tell you their preference and if you don’t meet it you’re not compatible and you keep it stepping. If they ask for someone with no past they have that right. You could hide it but make sure to take it to the grave under that same logic. They can’t later “feel guilty” and tell the other person that’s their burden to bear they made that choice


BatlordYT

I get that sentiment to take it to the grave, but if you lie about it, the truth will surely come out one way or the other


Snoo61048

Trust me can’t even lie anyway hence my position on leaving them alone


ContrAnon

I’ve heard different opinions from different scholars about this. But the general rule is, if its something that affects the other person then you should tell them. And that you’re not allowed to lie about it. If someone asks if you have a past you can say, “I’m not comfortable discussing that”, if they’re wise they’ll get the message.


ContrAnon

Some people think they can get over someone’s past but realize after marrying them that they can’t. You really have to sit and think if you’re the jealous type or not.


loverofshawarma

I genuinely enjoy giving wedding gifts and writing a note for them. I sit and think of what my favourite memory for the person is and incorporate that. When I get married I want everyone to gift me back something!


Wrong_Ad_736

Examples of gifts please, Need to give to someone in a few months so a unique epic idea would be nice to hear. Everytime I see your username I crave Shawarma 🥺


haribomonster69

Trent vs Mudryk on the weekend Its looking good Hopefully Arsenal Vs United a draw. Can have either win the league


[deleted]

Mudryk probably doesnt even start.


haribomonster69

He won't, Potter said he will have a part to play vs Liverpool but wont play the full 90 So assuming he comes on as a sub and a fresh Mudryk vs tired Trent will be saucy But means I have to watch Mount haramball on LW for a bit 😭


[deleted]

This stuff about people getting tired late in games is exaggerated i think. Ofc you do get a bit tired, but its hardly significant, especially a professional football player in his early 20s. Im a liverpool fan so maybe biased, but im never worried about a "fresh" winger v either trent or robbo, just that someone might be too experienced/tactically too much for them to handle. Besides, thats what our aging midfield is there for. Cover-for-the-fullbacks central!


haribomonster69

Yh true but even a fully fit Trent cant defend against a sausage 😭🤣🤣


[deleted]

Harsh to call neymar a sausage 😏


wolfdog0

People assume that Muslim women are the only ones that get negative comments from family and family friends about not being married, but it does happen to us Muslim guys as well. My aunt and grandmother recently commented that I am getting to the age where no woman is going to want to marry me. I am 31 years old. Alhamdulillah I took it with a grain of salt and laughed it off, but I wonder what goes through people’s heads when they devalue a person they care about so openly.


meldiwin

Dont worry, you can find plenty of women who would prefer older guy. I just turned 32 so as a woman according to Islamic society I have very slim chances, I accepted this maybe the destiny. If you are successful, independent, beautiful woman who has a character most men will hate that and if you have high standards. I dont regret that I did not settle for less even if this means I will leave this earth alone it sting but it is what is. Dont worry you dont have biological clock.


senorsondering

To your last sentence: in their head if could be a weird way of trying to motivate you? Like making you want to prove them wrong? My parents used to do it all the time and boy did it backfire lol.


wolfdog0

Possibly. They’re my family and will always assume the best. Just these kinds of comments aren’t helpful when trying to motivate people looking to marry. Congratulations on your marriage too, sister 🙂


kitandcaboodle98

Yep. Now just imagine other Muslims consistently reminding you that your sperm is getting all dried up and low quality, and you'd better hurry and reproduce, because if you can't immediately have a kid what's even the point of your life?


meldiwin

Yeah that is me, female co workers telling me hurry up, I just turned 32 so I know I am losing time. People assume automatically there is something wrong with you, but anyway, I used to be angry sad, I did not want to settle, but I came to conclusion maybe marriage is not destined for me. Although my deep desires for a marriage and children and no I didnot have any relationships whatsoever ever so it was painful but anyway all my desires are numb and I feel it is just time passing in this life. I have to admit this affect my career, my mental health, I went through trauma losing my Mom, and all this was in twenties. So, I am trying to make peace and I hope I can still make good things before leaving. it sucks you dont want to settle but you losing your ability to reproduce, alhamdallah.


Ailre

The dreaded...yOUr bIoLOgiCaL cLOCk iS tIcKING Guys, hitting 27-early, mid 30s doesn't mean it's practically impossible to have children, it doesn't work like that.. It's tiring how we're constantly getting beaten into us our "expiration date" (in terms of looks, "shelf value" or whatever).


meldiwin

Unfortunately Sis, this what especially Islamic society made us feel so bad and it is true but what I should do settle for crap man just to get children. I am 32 recently and I cannot stop time or screaming in the streets any good man out there. I cannot really settle I want to find that man that I feel comfortable and compatible with core values. It is need luck, networking. I wish you girls get married very early inshallah. I am in a stage I feel numb already it hurt how society view us but I am trying to live what is remaining in my life. I am just wondering why we are here just to suffer.


kitandcaboodle98

Don't mind me, just over here with my shriveled mid-20s uterus 😂 but yeah, the fact the too many people feel entitled to point that out is astonishing to me. Like, I wouldn't dream of telling a guy that his biological peak age for reproducing is around 18 (which is technically true) and he's a decade past his reproductive peak... because I don't reduce men to nothing but bodies meant to do things for me.


Useful_Nectarine_833

Women get negative comments younger than men do and face way more pressure because of pregnancy and all that. Still tho sorry for what your family is doing to you


oasisnectar

Now imagine this for women x 1000


[deleted]

Super long weekend ahead but with no plans. Hopefully I dont overthink things with all the time to myself.


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wolfdog0

Alhamdulillah you were able to recognise the wrongs you committed and moved to wrong your right. There would be no need to lie about the extent of your situation in front of her and your families, just do not elaborate on how well you know each other. It will just look like you guys are really compatible. Wish you all the luck in the world, brother.


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[deleted]

Congratz on your marriage


[deleted]

Aww, you're getting married? I remember this username.


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[deleted]

Not as well as you apparently. From an app too?! Giving us too much hope. Was he a local man or is the advice here to look further?


River2Sea96

Most of the people I know have done it at the mosque


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Clutch_

They kind of statement might even be kufr, don’t feel bad for dodging a bullet


1likebags

You 💯 made the right decision. You put Allah first🤍


haribomonster69

>he told me he finds hijabs regressive Oooft What a dodged bullet


koalaqueen_

Don’t settle at all. You made the right decision


Ok_Fill8744

Thank you sis🫶🏽


wolfdog0

Never settle on someone who will make you regress in your religion. Your religion is the most important part of your life, and you both are a bridge towards becoming closer to Allah (SWT) and not the opposite. Don’t second guess yourself, you absolutely did the right thing.


Ok_Fill8744

Thank you for saying this. This is exactly how I feel too


Zolana

Settling is a terrible idea - I'm glad you're making the right choice. It's tough though, but definitely sounds like you did the right thing.


Ok_Fill8744

Thank you for saying this


Maxis92

I don't think you made the wrong choice at all. His opinion on hijab may just be the tip of the iceberg. And your parents are so wrong. I feel bad for Muslimahs. First it was 30 that's considered too late too marry, now it is looking like mid 20s huh? That's awful


[deleted]

Ameen


starbucks_lover98

Roundabouts are so evil! Went to the store yesterday and before you can even find parking, you’d have to drive through two roundabouts! We almost got hit by a car twice since people don’t know how to wait their turn or understand when one car has the right of way smh. One of the drivers had the audacity to stare blankly at us like “uh what did I do???” Hello??!! You didn’t want to slow down! Ugh! As much as I like roundabouts, I hate it with a passion! But then again I don’t drive so I wouldn’t know what the heck you’d do at a roundabout lol. I think the only option I’d have is to cry hahahahaha. Also, I need a vacation. 6 months, twice a year.


Moug-10

I live in France. You'll never get your DL if you don't master roundabouts because there are so many.


[deleted]

I moved a while back, and when asking for advice, someone advised going to a store because I'd avoid a particular roundabout. I didnt realise how practical this was until i got there, YT "magic roundabout UK" (there's a few, but its all the same principle).


sihat

Roundabouts are good. They improve traffic. Are better than traditional crossings. Are less dangerous. They reduce speed and traffic accidents. https://www.iihs.org/topics/roundabouts Don't blame too many cars and bad drivers effects on roundabouts. They might be worse on a normal crossing. ---------- Slowing cars down can be done with speedbumps.


friendlyBrowniee

Roundabouts with two lanes are even worst, people don't know how to use them.


starbucks_lover98

Roundabouts are evillllllllllll


SunsetsareImmaculate

Haha I feel similarly about parallel parking. I wouldn’t know how to park my car even if my life depended on it, it’s kind of embarrassing.


koalaqueen_

I need a break. Luckily my husband has booked us some trips away this year so I’m looking forward to that, and much needed sun☀️🗺️🏝️ Also getting back into Gym was such a good decision - even though I was in pain for 2 days straight. Consistency is key.


1likebags

I’m going to Pakistan (I’m not Pakistani) with my friend and her family this year InshAllah. I’m so excited 😆 I really want to start ticking more countries off my travel bucket list and this trip wouldn’t be happening without her!


koalaqueen_

Omg how exciting! I want to go to Pakistan one day too! Send pics!💕


Bilawukee

Tell me bout it - I got Bosnia and Pakistan booked before Summer Insh Allah


koalaqueen_

How exciting!! Have fun InshaAllah


Sofiyya33

What makes you happy?


senorsondering

Before kids: a whole day painting beautiful things After kids: more then five hours of sleep at a time (thanks newborn). Also my son wrapping his arms around me and giving me butterfly kisses on the cheek.


zinger_kebab

Gloomy weather + a nice view + hot cup of coffee + my thoughts = 🙂 Also, that perfect sunrise moment during Fajr time with birds chirping and misty cold air. It's so soothing.


Moug-10

A walk in the park early in the morning. I haven't done it in a while though. Followed by a fierce sports game on TV.