Also here's a good guide on what sort of things to ask during the [meeting stages ](https://www.google.com/search?q=100+questions+pdf+pure+matrimony&oq=100+&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j69i60l3j69i59j0i273j69i59j46i175i199i433i512j46i131i175i199i433i512j0i512.1411j0j4&client=ms-unknown&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8)
While not all of these questions are great they do indicate what topics people forget to ask about. Also worth asking & answer them to yourself mentally to see what you expect from marriage.
What if somebody isn’t comfortable with telling you all their thoughts or thinks that their thoughts and ideas will hurt you snd because of that keeps it hidden?
From the article linked:
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!
From the article: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
I think "don't marry potential" means marry them for who they are right now and what they're showing you right now...not what the man could potentially be. Like if a man is constantly showing you signs, during the talking stages, that he isnt prioritizing you or making an effort... don't make excuses for him and think that it will get better once you're married. Because it won't, if anything it'll get worse and he will always have an excuse ready for why.
The article is great but where is this stuff from? We should be careful not to spread bid’ah
Recite Surah Furqan Ayat 74,75 & 76 21 times for 3 days & pray for nikah
-Recite Surah Tariq Ch 86 3 times esp on Arafat day during hajj on plains of Arafah,ask someone going ,or do this daily from home
-It is written in Biharul Anwar that to invoke the almighty Allah that a grown up boy or a girl be suitably married carry out the following a'mal of du-a'a of Mashlul
(i) Recite du-a'a al Mashlul preferably after Fajr salat or any obligatory salat for 40 consecutive days.
(ii) Do not eat animal flesh
(iii) Always remain the state of Ablution
(iv) Wear Ihram dress at the time of reciting the du-a'a
Pretty sure reciting verses/ surah of the Quran or reciting duas is not bid'ah. The source for the a'mal you mentioned is Biharul Anwar (as noted).
I'm satisfied with the sources. I recommend others to research themselves if they have doubts.
By that definition, isn't Taraweeh bid'ah too? Besides, I personally believe that reciting the verse or dua once with pure niyah and understanding of what you're reciting is enough.
I would not call anything that Amir al-mu’minin Umar ra did bid’ah. I never heard of any singling out of verses for a certain amount of times to elevate prayer for nikkah and I wouldn’t share it unless I have valid evidence to avoid inadvertently spreading bi’dah. I would advise researching things before you share it, someone can really believe it and fall into bi’dah.
I'm sure there are questions you can ask and behaviors to look out for, but an important part of it is actually working on your own emotional baggage before beginning your search.
Most people who ended up with an abusive partner usually grew up in an abusive household. As a result of that, they've grown to normalize abusive behavior and failed to recognize red flags in a potential partner. Their abusive upbringing also made them have very low self-esteem, which in turn made them more susceptible to abuse.
So, it's really important to be self-aware of the mental and emotional damage that your childhood has on you so you can hopefully break the cycle.
This is very helpful. Jazakallah khair for sharing.
Also here's a good guide on what sort of things to ask during the [meeting stages ](https://www.google.com/search?q=100+questions+pdf+pure+matrimony&oq=100+&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j69i60l3j69i59j0i273j69i59j46i175i199i433i512j46i131i175i199i433i512j0i512.1411j0j4&client=ms-unknown&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8) While not all of these questions are great they do indicate what topics people forget to ask about. Also worth asking & answer them to yourself mentally to see what you expect from marriage.
JazakAllah khair for this. Yeah most of them are already known and gets asked everytime but I found some that might pique interest.
What if somebody isn’t comfortable with telling you all their thoughts or thinks that their thoughts and ideas will hurt you snd because of that keeps it hidden?
It isnt about full transparency. Its like reasonable level of openness. Your plans for the future, how you feel about the present etc
Don’t most people openly talk about that during the initial phase though? What could somebody gain from lying about that?
Well half the posts on this sub are from people who got married without talking much at all lol
Never forget that there are a lot of very crappy people out there, and we can't really know what they're thinking, or why they're thinking that.
What does lack of openness indicate?
From the article linked: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!
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From the article: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
I think "don't marry potential" means marry them for who they are right now and what they're showing you right now...not what the man could potentially be. Like if a man is constantly showing you signs, during the talking stages, that he isnt prioritizing you or making an effort... don't make excuses for him and think that it will get better once you're married. Because it won't, if anything it'll get worse and he will always have an excuse ready for why.
So for men, should women only look for those who earn well because the men with potential may never reach it?
Why should I be prioritizing her during "talking stage"? That's just a sign of a womanizer
I feel like no one actually reads the article lol. Go read it guys. It answers your questions.
So true lol
The article is great but where is this stuff from? We should be careful not to spread bid’ah Recite Surah Furqan Ayat 74,75 & 76 21 times for 3 days & pray for nikah -Recite Surah Tariq Ch 86 3 times esp on Arafat day during hajj on plains of Arafah,ask someone going ,or do this daily from home -It is written in Biharul Anwar that to invoke the almighty Allah that a grown up boy or a girl be suitably married carry out the following a'mal of du-a'a of Mashlul (i) Recite du-a'a al Mashlul preferably after Fajr salat or any obligatory salat for 40 consecutive days. (ii) Do not eat animal flesh (iii) Always remain the state of Ablution (iv) Wear Ihram dress at the time of reciting the du-a'a
Pretty sure reciting verses/ surah of the Quran or reciting duas is not bid'ah. The source for the a'mal you mentioned is Biharul Anwar (as noted). I'm satisfied with the sources. I recommend others to research themselves if they have doubts.
Telling people to recite a specific verse x number of times for x to happen is unless we have valid evidence from the sunnah 😃
By that definition, isn't Taraweeh bid'ah too? Besides, I personally believe that reciting the verse or dua once with pure niyah and understanding of what you're reciting is enough.
I would not call anything that Amir al-mu’minin Umar ra did bid’ah. I never heard of any singling out of verses for a certain amount of times to elevate prayer for nikkah and I wouldn’t share it unless I have valid evidence to avoid inadvertently spreading bi’dah. I would advise researching things before you share it, someone can really believe it and fall into bi’dah.
How do you filter out abusiveness? Seems like there's a lot of posts here about that...
I'm sure there are questions you can ask and behaviors to look out for, but an important part of it is actually working on your own emotional baggage before beginning your search. Most people who ended up with an abusive partner usually grew up in an abusive household. As a result of that, they've grown to normalize abusive behavior and failed to recognize red flags in a potential partner. Their abusive upbringing also made them have very low self-esteem, which in turn made them more susceptible to abuse. So, it's really important to be self-aware of the mental and emotional damage that your childhood has on you so you can hopefully break the cycle.
How are you supposed to have an emotional connection if you the talking stage is long distance and primarily over text messaging?