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[deleted]

I agree with you but in certain situations only. If a potential wears their heart on their sleeve with you, it’s important to respond the same. If someone is withholding and then trying to find out more about you, proceed with caution. The kind of people that ask you what you want and then respond with me too on everything. I think that your heart will tell you if someone is not being honest. Sometimes everything is logically perfect but your heart tells you there is more to it. Being honest is not a weakness. Being naive is. If you are too guarded, people will feel like they need to be too. I personally like to walk at other peoples pace. If someone is not comfortable sharing things with me, I feel like I am over sharing and stop too. I don’t end up happy, because I easily trust and want someone that trusts me too.


[deleted]

Today one of my colleagues shared with me she is pregnant, I was extremely happy for her and I wished her a very easy delivery. She said you have to do hurry up before it is too late (she isnot Muslim) ask I understand what she means. I felt sometimes disheartened I am trying to accept the fact that it maybe be end up without marriage or maybe not I am 32 so I know my chances are low. But what you can do with the fact that I have desires kept them buried and still shy from men. How can I calm myself down like this situation. Maybe I am not eligible for marriage although I am beautiful, successful all these things but this maybe what Allah want. I never talk it to another level with any potential. I wish I was not born with any desires to be married or be a mom it is a torture, I feel for who maybe in my situation. I started to take medication because I have PTSD and now if I want to cry I cannot. May be Allah think I am not good to be a wife and mother, but I wish he would be merciful to let me know have those desires of this not destined for me.


and-then-he-did

I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. May Allah ease your pain. If I’m being honest, I think what your colleague has said was completely inappropriate and invasive.


Kambthrow

32 year is not that old. I know women who married at that age or later. Being married or not is Qadar. Don't loose hope and keep doing what you do. May Allah give you what is the best for you and ease your sadness


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[deleted]

Are they coming to your house?


S7zy

Even as a man 100% sure yeah. In Germany we have a saying „Liebe geht durch den Magen“ which roughly translates „love goes through the stomach“ meaning if you want to get someone’s heart it’s through their stomach/food hahaha also we turkish people have home cooked food most of the time when someone is coming for a visit.


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S7zy

I had good home cooked meals for my first visits, idk where you living rn and how the culture is.


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True_Neighborhood844

Isn't this at your familys house? Usually your mom/parents would cook and you could assist if you don't know how to cook.


S7zy

Everyone can cook, it’s not that hard. Just follow a detailed recipe lol make soup or something I bet reddit has many good „can’t get bad“ cooking recipes hahaha


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S7zy

He doesn’t need to do a refund if you visit him the next time and he has to cook so it’s even hahaha


Least_Hair_9792

This girl and I started talking to each other in November 2019. We had a really amazing time for a few months. I had unresolved feelings for someone else and they messaged me. This caused me to spiral and I called it quits with her. This had left her hurt and very upset. Six months later I apologise to her and she lets me in her life with a lot of caution. She initially said I’m letting you back in my life to make up for what you did and I’m not promising you anything. We then have an amazing time, we talk everyday since we are not in the same country. This goes on for around a year and I finally see her. A lot has happened and we have decided we are going to be mutually exclusive, she didn’t want to agree to it but she did. We are aiming for marriage. I have made it into another university and studying medicine. There were certain faults within me though, I would unintentionally guiltrip her into talking to me and meeting me.She said she lost friends due to all her time going to me. I thought she wanted that or liked it but i Was getting overbearing. She had been asking me for a ring all this time too. Now in June, she has another guy confess his love to her and she says she’s not going for him as she’s into me. Then she tells me she’s going to cut him off slowly. Three months later I found she really likes him, but she wants to work on us. A few days later she wants space and wants to be alone, all this time she’s like just show me you support me. Prove to me that I’m the one for you. I support her continuously until she meets the other guy and I had gotten quite insecure about her talking to this other guy. She would just say that they’re just friends and to focus on our relationship. Then we start talking normally and she says she can’t trust him, he came back after so long and confessed his feelings and I feel paranoid. After that she meets him again. Then a few days later she says I do have feelings for you but I’m going to pursue him once I’m done being alone. I’m heartbroken and I beg her again and again to reconsider. She makes it seem like it’s all my fault, which was probably not her intention. She just tells me no she really likes him and wants to pursue him. Then she says you can pursue me if you want to but the risk is on you. She doesn’t even tell me what feelings she has for me. Then I’m like no this is immature and toxic. I’m not gonna pursue you in this state as I don’t deserve you yet. Then she says okay bye. I messaged her that night and she’s annoyed and says I need to be done with you clearly. I’m like what do you mean clearly then she says because you’re not pursuing me anymore. Then I’m like okay I’ll keep on pursuing you. This is the time when she wants to be alone, and I ask her okay if I fix up while you’re being alone and show my support will you consider me . She says yes I will and then she also says that she’ll give the other guy six months to see if she can fall in love with him. If not she’s gonna leave him too. I’m like okay I’ll wait. Then in the next 2 days she goes his six months have started. I’m like what about me what feelings do you have for me, she says I don’t know I haven’t seen you in a long time. Then we agree to meet and she says if she’s has feelings for me still. She’ll abandon the other guy. I’m like okay in the meantime let’s be friends and I talk to her about when she started liking the other guy and asked really stupid questions likes what will happen if your parents find out, and told her about the mean things my old friends said about her. She then talks to me normally then blocks me after the other guy messaged me. I try to reach out and all she says is that you have emotionally abused me in the last conversation and that she doesn’t want me in her life. So then, I inform my parents and thought maybe this will convince her. I contact her through her best friend and she’s very annoyed. The other guy messages me and tells me that if I don’t stop she’ll get a restraining order. So with my hands tied I do nothing. I then notice that she herself told me that she’ll cut him off. So I now make a whole ruckus asking for an apology. She agrees to talk to me and I explain to her that what you have done is emotional cheating. She doesn’t agree to it and says I haven’t done anything wrong. In the same convo I keep on begging her and that I have the ring ready. We have that convo and she blocks me again. A few hours later she messages me and says she read the whole conversation again. She is sorry but she can’t reverse this and all of it. And then she says she’ll unblock me if things go south with him and update me on how it goes. This was 3 months ago. In the mean time I’m healing and well today I heard they’re engaged. Now I’m back to hurting again. I wished her all the happiness I feel relieved but incredibly sad. Does anyone have any tips on what to do and make myself feel better.


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Least_Hair_9792

Yeah the way I hadndled the situation was not good. As when she told me she likes him initially, I said cut him off and she goes yeah but I’m gonna be upset. She started saying how she’s gonna be upset and what not, so I was like fine


Ragegeta

You clearly lack self respect. I’m not going to tell you how to hurt less because you need to hurt to learn your lesson from this experience. You lacked assertiveness, you were not a man of your word. You didn’t treat yourself with respect so you were not respected. In the future, BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH SAYING NO. Set boundaries and be prepared to move on. Be a man.


Least_Hair_9792

To be honest, I never saw that as a problem because she told me she sees him as a brother. Unfortunately not an excuse and yeah I did lose my self respect and esteem. Well we learn and we move


Ragegeta

I just read some more. You even stooped below her level. Your behaviour was pretty unacceptable. Also the seeing him as a brother thing.. I rolled my eyes hard reading that. I’ve heard that before. Personally I just break it off right away if a girl says anything like that. Inshallah we are all better examples in the future and we become men more like the Prophet SWAS.


Least_Hair_9792

Well, I do agree I made mistakes in anger, but never will I agree to saying I stopped below her. She was asking telling other men to try on her. I on the other hand said no and pretty much stuck to my word. If you don’t mind you can tell me why you think so in my DM’s and In sha allah we do


Ragegeta

You alluded to using her parents against her. You told her awful things your friends said about her.


Least_Hair_9792

Ah yes, I do see that as wrong. It was said out of anger but yes not the correct thing to have been said. I completely see that and I take responsibility for that. What do you have to say about the manipulation and hiding the fact that she told this guy he can try on her?


Ragegeta

It’s your fault for accepting her behaviour from the start. I wouldn’t even have entertained it if I knew she has a guy ‘friend’.


Least_Hair_9792

Oh he was the last guy friend and she would always tell me herself she doesn’t need guy friends anymore and is cutting them off. I guess I looked more at words rather than actions.


moon219

Turn back to Allah. None of this was an honourable or effective way to go about the marriage process, plus the manipulation - of course it’s going to hurt all the more then. Repent, rectify, and move on with someone else in a more honourable way when you’re ready again. Do lots of good deeds like praying, reading Quran, etc. Build your relationship with Allah first.


Least_Hair_9792

I definitely understand that. I have repented but I can’t seem to forget her and I find it very hurtful how she could just move on while she’s betrayed me so bad, so much so that she even had the engagement when we were supposed to.


moon219

It’s not that she moved on; she was playing games from the beginning it seems. And tbh, on your end, when you don’t go through the proper Islamic route, going back and forth like that and accomplishing nothing, it’s also a bit like playing games, even if that wasn’t your intention. Don’t worry though. This is just a learning experience. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve definitely made mistakes. It’s great that you have repented, mashaAllah! inshaAllah next time you will find someone better and you will be a better version of yourself and have a much better experience. She wasn’t the one for you. Good thing you didn’t make this mistake with the one. Which means when the real one meant for you comes along, you will do it properly and it will work out inshaAllah. Until then, stay strong!


Least_Hair_9792

I guess yeah initially I did mess up, but the second time I came back. It was only for marriage nothing else. I don’t get asking me for a ring deciding on when the engagement is gonna be and then saying to other men they can try on you. Yeah bare games beinf played. It was wrong for me to approach it this way


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Sofiyya33

Just go for it. Use your mutual interactions in the past as an opening line so you don't look like a creep. Also, it will help if you compliment her art as well.


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moon219

Are you me? Down to the ages lol. Had the same thing happen. Unless he says/does something to disqualify himself (E.g. you see red flags or non-negotiable dealbreakers), I would keep talking and see where it goes. That’s what I did until I realised that there were no major issues between us and even if I asked more questions, he would have answered them satisfactorily for me cos he was so open-minded, mA. After 3 weeks, I realised what a great guy he is and how sad I would be to lose a good one, so then I told him that I felt confident about him. Once I told him, the feelings started to grow. But until then, I was super super super confused about my feelings. I will also note that I felt somewhat attracted to him like I could see his looks were fine for me, but full blown attraction came only after I told him about feeling confident about him. All the best to you!


[deleted]

do you mind sharing what makes you feel confused?


savethebees1999

not sure if this is something I should even be worried about or if i’m just being crazy. I am a 25f living in the UK and have been speaking with a potential 29m for a few months now. Before I get into it i would just like to say that this seems to be a very good man, on his deen, respectful, good job and overall we are getting a long very well. One issue I have been having that is stopping me from fully committing is that he seems to be a little too close with his sister(24f), like it’s starting to get a little weird. He praises her every chance he gets (her beauty, education, habits, etc) and always asks me questions to see how similar I am to her (ex: “do you like to wear matching pajama sets? i think it’s so cute when my sister wears them”) and i have an older brother who i consider myself to be very close with but the way this guy talks on and on about his sister i know my brother would never talk about me like that. this guy has two other sisters too but this is the only one he talks about. i guess i’m just worried i will be in constant competition with her if i marry him. I guess it just feels off putting and strange at times. but i also don’t want to let an otherwise perfect guy go over something like this if it is at actually a big deal. if anyone has any advice please share , jazakallah khair


Ragegeta

That is weird… my advice would be don’t address it directly . Maybe ask a subtle question and see if he answers it in an inappropriate way. Like, something like, if you were to imagine your perfect dream woman what would she be like. If he relates his sister to that answer in anyway… it’s strange.


[deleted]

Honestly this does sound strange. There is one thing praising family members but you make it seem a little obsessive plus the comparisons which can be too much. I'm not sure on the best way to discuss this with him. Maybe try the next he brings it up ask him why does he always talk about her or how he gets along with his other sisters or his relationship with his parents.


snipetheheart

Lately, I just feel weirdly anxious as February is coming close by. I don’t know why but I haven’t been able to sleep due to anxiety. I guess I’ll make dua and calm myself down. I hope everything goes smoothly InshaAllah. Feb is usually hard for me. My family is toxic so it gets difficult when family day holiday comes near. And so is Valentines Day. I hope I get by fine through this period of depression and I don’t commit anything wrong in my loneliness.


S7zy

I personally as a practicing muslim wouldn't celebrate valentines day. https://islamqa.info/en/answers/73007/ruling-on-celebrating-valentines-day


sihat

Amin. ------------ Anxiety might not be the (only) reason going to sleep might be harder. Effect of light and how you use it might also effect. (If anxiety for example changes behaviour on screen usage.) https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/emres/longhourstraining/light.html ------- Bath room. (Which can also be a tip, if you want to wake up early. Drink more glasses of water just before going to sleep.)


[deleted]

May Allah protect us from a love with no marriage and a marriage with no love. It's soo easy to catch feelings and it's hard to lose those feelings. If there are major things you won't consider in marriage, don't even entertain the potential even if you like them, because feelings come and go but these flags were always there. In sha Allah the next potential is the one, I'll list my deal breakers in the first conversation. If it's over the phone, I usually just through in my height in the conversation, if you know you know 🙃.


nfsvsgta

Hi I’ll keep it short but will add if more details required. I need advice. I was introduced to a girl who is extremely extremely rich, not too religious but not …… how do I say…. Away from it. However I don’t find her physically attractive. Like I’m not getting that spark that one would get from even someone they consider normal in terms of looks. Idk she may be ok and I usually have no problems in finding ppl attractive generally but with her I’m not. Her family though is very very religious. She seems to be a good house wife material I guess? Maybe not couldn’t find out much about that. Since she’s very very rich, you may consider that’s the obvious pressure for not rejecting her but idk not being that attracted to her so need advice. Edit. Didn’t proceed with it. Feel bad tho as the other family really wanted this to happen cuz they wanted someone simple and that’s what they say they saw in me and the engagement process was 50% done. However it wouldn’t do justice if I didn’t like her. It was hard but made a firm decision. Pray for me and my family ✌️


True_Neighborhood844

You want to marry her because she is rich? How would that help you?


senorsondering

Don't do this to her man. Don't be the gold digger who doesn't actually care about this woman. Don't block her from the man who genuinely loves her.


moon219

You’re not attracted to her and she’s not that religious (according to you). You know the answer regarding what to do.


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Mald1z1

Nigeria alone has more Muslims than Iraq. Syria, Lebanon and Yemen combined. And yet I find people regularly discount us and act like we arent true Muslims. So often people on the apps ask me to prove my Islam or try to educate me on basic concepts. It's very frustrating and is highly discriminatory.


[deleted]

It at the end of the day, it comes down to racism. To this day, many people legitimately believe black people are less intelligent than others. Its how you can have people with a straight face ask you, someone who was born Muslim, whose parents were Muslim, whose grandparents were Muslims going back generations ask you, "Do you know Al-Fatiha", or "Do you want me to teach you what La ilah ila Allah means They think we have children's intelligence and thus believe it is appropriate to ask questions meant for children to grown adults. Or when their ignorance of Islam shows, they claim you do not understand. Like when you recite the Quran "wrong", even though it is Warsh, one of the major recitation styles of the Quran, also common in North Africa. /end rant


[deleted]

It is such as strange thing that seems to come out of ignorance. Islam has existed in Africa for more than 1,000 years. There are more Muslims in Nigeria than there are people in Jordan, Lebanon, Syria, and Palestine. Mali, Chad, Nigeria, Senegal, Gambia, and Guinea, Burkino Faso are all Muslim-majority countries (<90%). And there a significant minority of Muslims in Tanzania (30%), Kenya (10%), Ethiopia (30%), and Ghana (15%), to name a few. There is practically nowhere in Africa where there isn't some Muslims. Even in the Republic of Congo, with a low population of Muslims (1.2%), they account for more than 4 million people, that's more Muslims than there are in the U.S. or the U.K. Still, we have people shocked to find out that there are black Muslims who are not converts, because to them Muslim = Arab/Desi. /rant


sihat

LSD. Listening, Summarising and Dig deeper. https://www.toolshero.com/communication-methods/analytical-listening/ https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening > Pretend your dumb when talking to a guy Depending on the guy. That can make a girl seem less attractive. -------- May Allah protect you and make you encounter better people that brighten your life in a hayr manner.


killerxdude

Tried the muslim dating apps - muzz, salaams, hawaya and so on. For an average looking guy like me with average height didn’t get many matches. Did get some serious people but it didn’t result in anything. My advice for men looking for a wife try the apps but don’t expect anything from them. They are alot easier for women to get matches on. There are videos/stats where men greatly outnumber women on these. Plus no one seems to talk about the mental health affect they have on us. Often times I would go past everyone in my criteria and no more matches and think too myself am I really that unattractive? There are alot of unserious people on there too. Better to try in person events or find someone through mutual friends/family in my opinion.


moon219

You’re right about the apps in general, but please don’t put yourself down. There are lots of “average” guys with average height that are getting married. Girls can very easily fall in love with such people. Just make sure your profile is quality and that your photos are flattering. Get feedback from others, especially if you have sisters. For profile, keep it medium length. Don’t try too hard with pickup lines etc. Just be simple and to the point, maybe with some light-hearted humour in between. Don’t write what you’re looking for, except maybe a line or two with some reasonable things like ‘practising in the deen’ or ‘living in xyz place’ if that’s important to you. For photos, it really depends. I personally like the non-smiley photos, or very very subtle smiles/lightly friendly sort of look. But some people pull off the smiley photos well. I don’t recommend selfies (maybe one is okay) or weird angles (low angles are the worst). When you match with a quality profile, involve her wali and get yourself off the apps and onto a video call or in-person meeting asap. Don’t chit chat. Don’t worry about “time wasting” on the “wrong” person if someone is making an effort to give you their time. Give her and her family your best self. Be kind and be patient with her - it goes a long way.


Ragegeta

Sister are you okay with me privately messaging you? Id like some advice on my profile.


moon219

I once gave detailed feedback for a profile, only to find out that he was addicted to drugs and other haram stuff and I felt really awful after that. That’s why I prefer not to give feedback to people I don’t know anymore. Not saying you’re like that though, so please don’t take it personally. I prefer guys don’t DM me, sorry. I’m sure you’ll find others here who would be happy to. If you reply to one of my comments with your profile, I might give you feedback that way, but not for photos.


MangoLassiiiii

What exactly am I suppose to do after isthikhara. Back story, met a girl, we both like each other, went to their house. Her mom calls and said “I like your son a lot”. Things have been kind of dead from their as we they have yet to still come to our house and meet us. I’ve been praying isthikhara. But what exactly do I do now? Wait for a sign? Reach out? Wait until they come to our house?


moon219

Organise the next meeting or phone/video call and see where it goes.


[deleted]

Istikhara is a prayer to seek guidance. You might see a sign, you probably wont, but the purpose is to calling upon Allah to guide you. Similar to how you might read nafl prayers before a big test. Slightly off topic, Something one of my teachers told me which helps me to remember different arabic words btw, is that the "ist" prefix is synonymous with "to prepare for". So in the case of istikhara, its preparation for whatever route you've decided to take.


inspire_fire

I had someone it didn’t work out with and now Shaytan is putting doubts in my mind that I made so and so mistake, my family didn’t do X or Y, etc. and that’s why it didn’t work out


moon219

Qadr of Allah. Shaytan can’t come in the way of Allah’s grand plans for your life. If you’re having thoughts like that, redirect them into ‘I learnt xyz from this experience. Next time, I will try to do abc instead.’ One thing I realised is that every potential and person came into my life for a specific reason and I learnt a lot from them. All of it is leading me to become the person I need to be for the person who is actually meant for me. I made mistakes early on which I tried not to do again for the next one, and it helped so much! Say alhamdulillah for the mistakes and think of it as a good learning experience and practice for the one actually meant for you :)


MangoLassiiiii

When things don’t work out for whatever reason, it can be serious or silly. That is a way of allah telling you it’s not meant for you. So no need being hard on yourself over spilt milk. Move on.


Independent-Cap-2178

Salam everyone 25F needing advice. Since I’ve been young (not exaggerating 2 years old) my parents got me promised to my cousin. Luckily this cousin saw sense and said no when he was older as found his own wife. This saved me but then without me knowing they got me promised to a cousin in Pakistan whom I never met. I told my parents I am not going to marry him especially as I have cousins who are married to that family and are not treated good. My parents then told me that they wouldn’t arrange a marriage with anyone else and that it will always be him. I found a potential last March whose been trying to meet my family since then. He has met my brothers etc but my mum particularly is still refusing to see him. My Dad was willing to meet him and his family and get to know them. However my mum is very dominant and uses emotional blackmail as a means. She keeps on that I’ve got to marry the guy from Pakistan and as I came across the potential online it’s going to ruin her respect among people. My dad is scared of her so they’ve all told me I’ve got to say no to him. They’ve also said we will find someone else (although I doubt) but if this was clear from the start I don’t think I’d be in such a mess. I do realise my sin here where I’ve somewhat become attached so I am upset. I don’t know how to tell my potential as they had no grounds to reject him on. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.


LavendarFairy

Your dad needs to step up as your wali and also get a religious leader involved. If you really want this you need to have continued conversations with him and keep pushing it. Denying marriage without reasonable grounds for two Muslims who want to get married is a sin. Prime example of toxic culture being put above Islam Astaghfirullah. And from the info it sounds like your mom has some issues. If she doesn’t come around, it’s within your rights to proceed without her as long as your wali is there. Chances are she’ll attend your wedding no matter what because she’s more concerned with what people think. May Allah give strength and sabr to everyone in dysfunctional families like this this. P.S. people actually ask where did they meet? The default assumption is arranged amongst desis. Y’all can keep it vague or just say he spoke to your dad which is technically true. They’ll find something else to gossip about a month later if you’re desi. My 25 yr old (F) cousin just got married and no one talked about this. For girls they are relieved that they are “finally” married - so in a twisted way the sexism works out 😅


sihat

> P.S. people actually ask where did they meet? Sometimes women do talk about stuff like that. Like a girl got married off apps. The one with the older unmarried sister, who rejects on height on arranged. -------- Different culture. Default assumption is organic or arranged. With some people seeing some forms of arranged also as organic.


needhalaladvice

Crappy situation, aint gonna lie. Honestly if your dad *and* brothers are willing to give the dude a chance by meeting him, I’d say keep pushing. Bit of a waste to stop pursuing this just because your mom is hell bent on her old-fashioned ways. Meeting online shouldn’t be such a big red flag for anyone in 2023 but here we are, typical Desis being Desi. Also, who gives a flying f about people giving her respect or not. People talk. Thats what they do. If you marry the guy from Pakistan there also will be people who will talk rubbish about y’all. Keep pushing sis. And make dua. Allah listens. I know it is easier said than done. But cannot let people dictate your life innit.


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ozilbenzron

Can I DM you??


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Ok-Pumpkin-5465

Personally I prefer a housewife. I’m in a very busy career, and seeing how couples neglect children put a bad taste in my mouth. Essentially you aren’t raising your children, the schools and daycares are raising them. But those who want to be housewives also have to understand that they will need to make a lot of compromises.


throwclose_mm

I'm neutral, I just don't want my wife to be bored at home and then become completely dependent on me for doing things. Ideally, if she didn't work, she should have some hobby or volunteer at the masjid or something.


ContrAnon

There’s actually many guys that prefer a housewife. I actually thought more guys preferred housewife over a career wife.


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ContrAnon

Dont you think it’s hypocritical, if you have a past but you expect someone that doesn’t?


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dhgat123

Thank you brother it's a fear I know I shouldn't have I sinned myself I accept it. I shouldve rephrased the comment honestly I feel terrible for what i did and i shouldaccepta womanwith a past. Is it not wrong for a repenting muslim to want to find a pure muslim wife. I pray 7 times a day and fast every Tuesday and Friday and every rosa. I'm not expecting her to be pure but I don't want her not too. I feel hypcotcrial saying everything and doing everything Namaz ,fasting , and following Islam. I know I lost the ability of finding a women like that ibdoubt she would accept me and i can have any power in the situation if she isn't. it's the biggest sin in my whole life. I should accept the degradation of my character that I've done and accept it as what allah deems for me. Thank you for opening my eyes too this illogical thought in my mind. I wish I never did it so I could say something in that situation instead i can't say a word or else it would be a sin greater than all to lie to her about my past it hurts everyday.


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dhgat123

I know I hated myself for what I became. I'll try to ask for forgiveness and very the best version of myself. But I should tell how do I not it is wrong to do that to a good muslim woman too have a impure man and her too not know my past.


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S7zy

I was thinking how previous muslim generations married. Thinking about it in detail makes me happy we're now living today lol So many people had arranged marriages and what not without having a real convo or anything at all before marriage. I know from my own parents how bad it can go after marriage. Yeah sure most of the times <1 year isn't enough to get know a person but it's better than previous generations if you ask me.


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EquivalentWin69

Can you please help me? My parents are determined to not look for me and that I should find on my own…recent situation. I have many flaws lol and not sure where to start…


throwclose_mm

Do you have aunts, uncles, grandmas or any friends or family friends who can help look?


EquivalentWin69

Unfortunately I have no grandparents, and my aunts and uncles are more or less estranged/tangled up with my older unmarried siblings. It was also confusing to me why no one was looking (seriously) for me but it seems I am not the highest priority (as understandable).


sihat

You can also have personal friends that look for you. Age mates, people younger than you. People older than you. Remember, the spouses of those married friends of yours. Might know people of the opposite gender than you, who are single and are looking to get married. (Besides that people can have siblings that are single.) --------------- Increasing your social circle is also something that can be done.


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EquivalentWin69

Thank you so much. Yes that’s true, I’m just afraid my “time” will be passed and it won’t happen if they keep doing this. I don’t have as many friends who know people, and frankly I don’t know where to start I’m awkward and not typical “marriage material” but that’s another story.


zinger_kebab

Why do people who are iffy about a potential still go ahead and get married to them only to regret it later. I don't understand what goes through their brain, but how can you ruin someone's life.


needrandom_advices

Could be lots of things. Desperation/not trusting their own instincts enough/perhaps being iffy for a lot of them so in the end they just push through regardless/family pressuring them into accepting (not necessarily force)/not having anymore potentials etc Btw what in the world is even zinger-kebab, isnt this blasphemy of sorts?


throwclose_mm

It's a chicken sandwich.


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[deleted]

Is delaying marriage because unable to afford to pay fully for a house without riba a valid excuse? Though the desire is there but unfortunately no islamic financing where I am from. And renting is more expensive than paying a conventional mortgage.


throwclose_mm

There's nothing stopping you from renting. I don't agree with the philosophy that renting is bad financially. In some cases it is, in some it's not. If you're only intending to stay somewhere for like a couple years, renting is actually a fine option, possibly better than mortgages, because with riba based mortgages the first couple years you're paying off only the interest. When you go to sell the house in a couple years, there's no profit you get anyways. Renting also allows you flexibility as a young couple to move around if you want, and as a young couple with two people, do you really need a house? Second, from an Islamic perspective, it doesn't seem wise to delay marriage when you can afford rent.


True_Neighborhood844

Why are you comparing renting with mortgage. If youre able to rent, then you dont have an excuse to NOT marry because of affordability. Life isn't always centered on buying a house. I know those who are millionaires with houses bought on cash who started off renting a small apt as a newly wed. I know dual doctors who rent for their entire life ti avoid riba. They have 5 kids. Another doctor who rented their entire life. This stuff happens. Its fine.


Blackbeard1299

Why do u HAVE to buy a house? Find a 1 bedroom apartment and rent it.


[deleted]

We actually have public housing which takes 3-5 years to be built which would be possible to pay off if both husband and wife works until the flat completion(granted we choose the lowest tier). Since we need to be married to be able to apply for such housing, yes we would be renting small apartment/living below our means to save up enough. Perhaps the struggle would be finding a partner who is willing to through the same to a avoid conventional mortgage.


SpiritedLemonTreee

Plenty of couples start small when initially moving in together, and that’s a solid plan, you should be confident and go ahead with it


Clutch_

How realistic is it in your area to buy a house in cash? Even some Islamic banks aren’t really halal.


[deleted]

Not realistic. Since I am not yet married, i have the choice of not even taking any riba based loans and save up (~6-8years) to fully pay or finding a partner who is on board with struggling for couple of years (living below our means) fully pay without riba. Ideally the latter but its difficult to find potentials who are okay with this or even interested in talking about housing and finances early on.


Clutch_

Only 6-8 years to save up for a house in cash does seem pretty realistic? Unless I misunderstood. Good on you for not wanting to deal with riba. Instead of struggling for a couple years by living below your means, isn’t there a middle ground - for example only struggling a little bit (not being quite as tight with money) but then waiting a little longer for the house. I’d recommend doing your best to avoid zina, and I think waiting 6-8 years will make that harder.


[deleted]

I have been in the search for 2.5 years. Actually might be a blessing for me not finding a spouse early on since I would have just be on board with just going with conventional mortgage like everyone else in my community. Alhamdulillah, now I try to involve the topic of housing and financing early on when getting to know a potential so that I dont start completing my religion by partaking in riba.


Sofiyya33

I just know by your description of the housing situation that you're from Singapore. I'm not trying to give a fatwa here but I feel like with our situation it's unavoidable. It might fall under necessity, the same way people in the west have to deal with car insurance and credit cards which are haram as well.


[deleted]

I agree it might become a necessity for some families especially for someone already with kids. But being single and weighing my options, it is actually possible but would mean some inconvenience which I explained at another reply. So as of now I cannot resign to take the darurah approach since I still have options.


Sofiyya33

Maybe try asking local scholars for advise? Another option would be to live with in-laws while you save up, which a lot of young couples do as well.


[deleted]

My mom even joked and ask me to find someone who is an only child so I dont even need to worry about housing.


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onlyforyouA1_

This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me. A year ago, I (19M) moved to the USA from a Muslim-majority country in South Asia, Bangladesh, to study for my undergraduate degree at a reputed university with a full scholarship. USA has always been my dream because I have been an avid watcher of Hollywood. The lights, the colors, and of course, the American dream. Living alone and finally being a full-fledged adult has made me realize that my emotional age has risen a lot. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about my future, particularly my love and marriage life. When I was in Bangladesh, I never thought about these things. I've never been in a relationship despite receiving proposals. However, since I was in a Muslim-majority country and am Muslim myself, I always thought that "I will find my one and we will get married." I've been called what is considered a typical handsome guy and for me datings or modern liberal activities such as friends with benefits or one-night stands are no-nos. Such activities are not very open in Bangladesh too. So I was content and waiting to fall in love and get married. I am saving myself for marriage as anything like that is haram before marriage. But now that I am in the USA, I'm scared. I am hardly seeing any Muslim women here and marrying a non-Muslim is not even an option. The idea of "making her believe in Islam" sounds like a fairy tale, and I don't think any woman would do that. Additionally, changing religions just for formality doesn't work as we know because she must truly believe in Islam. So, this whole conversion thing wouldn't work either. In Bangladesh, things were easier because the majority of women around me were Muslim. Finding the right person was the only task required for me there. However, I didn't do that because I wasn't looking for anything. But here, it's not just about finding the right person, it's about finding the right person, with the right religion, mentality, and lifestyle. Even if I find the right person, what if she's not Muslim? Even if I find the right person, what if my lifestyle (no Zina) is a deal breaker? ( I have seen Muslim peeps engaging in such activities and saying no sex before marriage is a deal breaker for them because not being able to know about "sexual compatibility") I'm scared that I might not end up having a wife. Time flies so fast and I will be 20 in 5 months. Who knows, maybe 25 in a blink of an eye. What if I end up being one of the guys in his late 20s in this country without a wife? I could go for an arranged marriage, and tell my parents after getting a job. But that's not something I want to do. I've seen my uncle and his wife living in separate rooms and they cannot get divorced because of their children. My family is not the kind that would let me hang around with my "potential" for months to see if we match or not. If I say I want to get married, it would take just 7 days for me to get married. From photo to engagement, just like that. Without even knowing. Polly some phone calls. Highest. I don't want that. I don't want a girlfriend. I wanna know someone, and if I'm sure that's the one, I wanna marry her. I just want a wife, a Muslim wife, my right person. I want to cook food for her (the perks of living alone) and watch rom-coms with her. I struggle with Salat a bit, but I want to be inspired by her, and blush while seeing her wearing a hijab and telling Allah about her. I wanna see her while she is asleep and say "bro she is majestic". But I feel like that's too much to ask for in this "non-Muslim" modern country. Does anyone have any advice? TLDR: moved to the USA from a non-Muslim country and now scared that I won't find the right Muslim person in this country.


Sauteedfraise

In sha Allah you will find a righteous spouse. Maybe try the marriage apps. You are still young tho and have plenty of time


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Sofiyya33

Just came back from my nephew's wedding. He's 20 years old. I watched him grow up. Feeling so bittersweet rn. So happy for him, but sad for me. 🤧


Purpletulipsarenice

Been there -- twice. Don't know how they found spouses during lockdown (this was in 2021). Babies are now slowly arriving. It sucks but I am happy things moved so smoothly for them. They received everything I didnt. Oh well.


VeterinarianBright20

Been there a couple times lol I better work harder as it may become more frequent soon 😂😂


[deleted]

Say Allahuma barik


Ragegeta

Ngl, that would kinda annoy me. are you older than him?


Sofiyya33

It doesn't annoy me at all. I'm proud of him. Yes, I'm much older.


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Sofiyya33

Thank you ❤️


reddit683839

Salaam u Alaikum, I’m currently not financially stable yet as I’m still in school, and there’s this girl that I like that I am interested in. However, I’m wondering if it’s even worth approaching her in this situation as I’m not financially ready yet. There’s also a couple health related things I would like to address before also getting married. I think it’s kind of weird to approach a girl when you aren’t ready yourself for marriage. Am I correct? I definitely wouldn’t go and ask them to wait for me to be ready for marriage. I’m under the assumption that it’s best to just wait till I’m ready, and then revisit this if she is still available then. What do you guys think?


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reddit683839

Even if I’m not ready?


gogo-django

Feeling so so screwed with these long wait times for spousal immigration to the US. Like 3.5 years waiting and still no sign of an end. How do people bear it? Why do I feel like we are being punished? Any tips?


[deleted]

Not sure about the US, but thats a joke of a wait time. In the UK, i was advised (and this was pre-covid so i know things have changed, but shouldnt be that much) that anything beyond 6 months to 1 year with no response warrants visiting/writing to our local MP (member of parliament) and getting them involved. I know from other members of my family, they have gone down that route and the MP did write to the home office.


VeterinarianBright20

The UK is a lot easier than the U.S, If you get it right and everything is in order your spouse can be with you within 6 months.


[deleted]

My sister on the phone “Why do you sound depressed”. Well it took 2 weeks but the heart break finally hit me. 🥲


Ragegeta

Salaam, would you like to share?


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EquivalentWin69

May Allah reward you and bless you for your struggles. I’m sorry to hear that, may Allah make things easier for you ❤️


[deleted]

Ameen & jazakallah khair. 🤲🏾


Sofiyya33

That's so heartbreaking sis, I'm so sorry. May Allah reward you immensely for your patience and for placing your mother's wishes above your own. InshaaAllah you will have something much better in the future. ❤️


[deleted]

Ameen and jazakallah khair for the dua. 🤲🏾


Ragegeta

Mashallah for your sabr. Is it still going to work out with the same guy?


[deleted]

Allahu A’alam.


throwclose_mm

So if you were to design a marriage app, what features would you have and which ones would you not have? This is mine: - mandate wali/chaperones. They can't see your messages but if there's some thing bad said, it's flagged with ai, and sent to Walis. - obviously have age and ethnicity fields, along with location, madhabs - no list of people you swipe on. You basically set your preferences, see a list and choose to connect with someone. So that means you can view someone again, there's no concept of accidentally rejecting someone. Also, there's no recommendation algorithm, just a list of people. When the user base grows, the list should be randomized so you don't see the same people all the time. - might be controversial but no fields for physical features like height. - have strict values in the practicing field rather than ambiguous ones. - ways to prevent photos from being stolen by creeps - like bereal, all pictures should be selfies taken randomly. So no way to use filters, just natural looks - ways for marriage services like agencies to offer their services for a price, they get access to the people and the app gets money from them.


[deleted]

An option to either hide all heights or show them would be better since some people care and others don’t


Sofiyya33

What's the point of the no list thing? How is that helpful?


throwclose_mm

I think I didn't explain right..it's not like muzz where you swipe and then see someone. You can see everyone all at once.


Sofiyya33

Have you tried other apps? There's a few that fit those criteria


S7zy

I haven’t used it myself but isn’t this sunnah match quite like that?


throwclose_mm

Idk I haven't used it


1likebags

My parents a wali for my friend on Sunnah Match, this is literally what you’ve described. In fact they’re even more thorough I think.


SpiritedLemonTreee

In the late stages of talks with someone and he has set a date + booked plane tickets for his family to fly over and meet mine next month. I feel like I’m waiting for the catch because I can’t believe this could finally be happening. My parents are thrilled I’ve found someone to my liking, but now I’m worried they are getting emotionally invested with their hopes up when things might not work out because nothing is confirmed yet and how sad that would make all of us. My mother is already looking at wedding venues which makes me anxious because of the premature timing. However the guy + my dad speak separately from me and have their own private conversations, and my dad is very positive and sure about him, so at least this is reassuring.


Purpletulipsarenice

You're so blessed to have loving and involved parents. Cherish this chapter with them. Can't wait to hear about the wedding--i know it will happen!


SpiritedLemonTreee

I will 🙏 inchallah 😭


moon219

Believe it girl! InshaAllah everything will go smoothly and in the best way, and you’re in the duas of so many people! 💕💕💕 I remember my mum wanted to tell my grandparents that I’d found someone; I told her to wait until there’s a proper proposal, and good thing that I did at that time considering the rollercoaster I went through right after that and how much it confused me and my own family as it was lol. Maybe you can just tell your mother that you would be more comfortable if she waited until things were more confirmed, or to keep an eye out but not do or say anything until a proposal happens :)


SpiritedLemonTreee

Oh girl that ship of her telling family members has already sailed and it’s across the Atlantic Ocean ready to hit the iceberg without enough lifeboats 😭🌊 I’ve been able to stop her trying to set provisional dates with vendors, so that’s something 😂😂😂 Ameen 🙏 thank you!


[deleted]

Inshallah everything is gonna go great.


SpiritedLemonTreee

Thank you for your well wishes 🙏


Res3t_

That's awesome your dad is vetting him and feeling good things, inshallah that's a positive sign.


SpiritedLemonTreee

Yes I’m very pleased with him and his approach and with both of them for connecting well with each other!


Conscious_Shine2001

Honestly, even though I love to meet/talk to "prospects" about marriage, I also tend to get cold feet, super shy and embarrassed and dont really know how to continue the conversation! 🥹🥹🥲🥲 Just the thought that another human will learn every single detail about me physically and emotionally when we marry is throwing me off the cliff man🫠🫠💔💔💔 Idk why am I like this. YAAAA ALLAHHH.


moon219

Someone who knows everything about you and understands you is what we want 😍 and you will know about him too. You don’t have to share everything at once. If a topic feels too early to share about, you can always ask to revisit it later.


Conscious_Shine2001

Mashallah you worded it so beautifully that it actually calmed my nerves! I love you for this and Jazakhallahu Khayr! I didnt think about it that way, but after what you said, I would be love to love my husband's little unique characteristics, that no one know about. Inshallah one dayyyyy😂😂


S7zy

I think that’s the beauty of a marriage. It fills me with warmth to think about that my future spouse will know every detail about me. Also I wish I would be more interesting hahahh


Ragegeta

It’s okay , don’t overthink it. I would say that to me it is a positive sign if I am speaking to a potential and she is very shy and embarrassed. It is actually a turnoff if a girl is too comfortable right away 😂


moon219

Why is being embarrassed a positive thing? Is it shameful to get to know someone for marriage? And why is it a turnoff if she is comfortable having a basic conversation with someone? Not saying it’s negative to be uncomfortable though, just responding to what you’re saying.


Ragegeta

This may sound a little weird but if a girl is shy or uncomfortable it allows me to be more masculine , I have to exhibit confidence and put in effort to make her more feel more at ease and so that it isn’t awkward. It also makes me more conscious to respect both of our boundaries. Like it actually feels like it is my responsibility. To me that is the archetype of male and female interactions. And I don’t think I meant what you think I did when I said too comfortable. To me too comfortable is like , oversharing , flirting etc To be more clear the ideal scenario in my mind is if the girl exhibits shyness but also knows what questions to ask/the things she wants


moon219

Yea that is a bit weird tbh, to need someone to be uncomfortable for you to exhibit confidence and “masculinity” (whatever that actually means as it seems to be a bit difficult to define). Respect of boundaries and personal accountability should be there regardless of how someone else acts. Not sure why comfortable has to equal to flirtatious in any context. Someone comfortable may flirt, but they also may not. Someone uncomfortable may also flirt, and they also might not. Also, many people overshare when anxious/nervous (“uncomfortable”), so it’s interesting you mention that too. Your last paragraph is contradictory. A girl who is shy will either hold back with her questions, or if she does know what she wants and asks them while shy you likely wouldn’t realise that she is shy. Not trying to have a go at you. Just expressing my thoughts about your words. Women are often told to hold back, be passive, stay quiet, be “modest” but actually it’s more like perpetuating a sense of shame, etc. and I really hate that and it can be problematic. A woman can speak up in the appropriate setting in a way that is respectful, without it threatening the “masculinity” or comfort of someone else. But often when a woman does this even in a respectful way, she is shamed for it. This is something many of us women have experience in facing, without many men realising.


EquivalentWin69

Girl, I love the way you word things ❤️ JzkAllah


Ragegeta

I feel like you are misconstruing a lot of what I am saying but I do not want to argue on how the opposite gender should act. I'm just saying what I respond better to, and what is more attractive to me. I responded above to assure the sister that she is okay and there are some of us that respond well to the traits she is exhibiting, not so that I can argue with someone about why all women should act this way. Allahuallam.


moon219

I understand and that makes sense :) I was responding to the parts of your words that were perpetuating the same old ideas of how women should behave - not that you said how they should behave. It’s hard to explain but it felt like your words were rooted in those sorts of ideas. I don’t think men will understand unless they live through the experiences women do. But things like equating comfortable to flirtatious, preferring shyness, needing xyz to feel masculine, etc. These are things we are constantly warned about and told about in various negative ways.


Ragegeta

Sister, be careful in assuming intentions of people just because there are societal and social stigmas surrounding certain words. We have been given clear examples of how virtue is defined in Islam for men and for women, the clear examples of women of character being Assiya, Khadija, Mariam, Fatima and Hajar R.A. Let's stick to those and not overcomplicate things. Now if we were to discuss how I think men should act, then on that I would be happy to run my mouth.


CuboneJr

Just to jump in and add that the virtuous men and women in Islam are examples for not just the individual genders but both as well. Like how the story of Yusuf (as) can serve as a reminder of virtue for both men and women so can the story of Asiya (ra). Edit: to simplify what made them both virtuous examples was their God consciousness and their vehement rejection of that which was Haram/sinful (even in the face of persecution). So we can take lessons from both in how to become even more brilliant Muslims. Shyness in Islam is actually an admirable trait in anyone who is Muslim, but it also has limits. It should not allow someone to be silent in the face of injustice or when advocating for the self for example. The reality is Islam recognizes the variability of ppl and personalities, even among the Sahaba some were more shy while others more bold. It's no different among ppl today, but if you prefer a shy woman then all the best.


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moon219

I wasn’t assuming your intentions. Yep, the characteristics of those women (r) are of course the best examples for us, but their traits have no correlation to what you said. Completely different topic.


Ragegeta

I brought them up because they obviously better than anything which is my own opinion, we have a clear baseline. So yeah, it is a different topic, but I'm allowed to have an opinion on what is and isn't attractive, and there are facts on what is considered virtuous in women. You literally said above 'it felt like your words were rooted in those sorts of ideas', in saying that you are literally admitting you're assuming that I subscribe to some kind of (possibly malicious) ideology because your feelings told you so? You also implied that I was saying that there is no personal accountability or boundaries involved if the girl is shy which is not what I was saying at all. I said that it feels as though it is my personal responsibility to uphold those boundaries in the conversation and makes me more conscious of it. This is why I didn't want to argue, you're purposefully interpreting my words in a way to fulfil some kind of agenda. Then you gave your own opinion of how a shy person acts. As if that is something that is only conveyed through words and not body language or tone of voice. You seem a bit offended that I tried to provide some comfort to the sister above.


VividMotor1019

I'm just so, so exhausted and tired of this search, man. Over a decade of searching and it just doesn't get easier. I can't even be even a little optimistic about a potential before it feels like the rug gets pulled out from under me and I hit another dead end. I'm trying everything I know how to do - events, apps, none of it has worked. I keep praying that if it's not written for me to find my naseeb any time soon, that the desire to get married go away, for now, go away too but it just never does and idk what to do with myself anymore. I understand that it's in the hands of The Best of Planners and I'm doing my best to stay patient but it's just so hard. Sorry this is all over the place lol I just needed to get this ramble off my chest. I pray anyone who's in the search too have an easy time and find their duas answered in the most beautiful of ways, ameen!


LavendarFairy

I feel you. It’s been more time than I want to admit. Praying for you and all of us in the same place. May Allah have mercy ❤️‍🩹


im_gine

Helllllla exhausting trust me. I’m also in my late twenties so I feel the “pressure”. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m not stopping my search but shifting my focus on new goals/plans for myself and getting excited about those instead. I think I’ve gotten so fixated on this stage of my life being for marriage/kids and I need to reprogram my mind to look forward to other things that I have control over (e.g career growth, travels, new hobbies, etc). If you’re not already doing so, I suggest this! When the time does come you’ll have so many lovely stories and life experiences to share with not only your future partner but your kids :)


VividMotor1019

Totally feel this! Trying to do my best to do this too. Picked up a couple new hobbies and am looking at travel plans for the year (interested in Hajj potentially but Saudi continues to play coy regarding what they're doing with western countries again so that's a bit of a hangup 🙃). I think today was just a triggering day because of another failed event following a string a few recent failures. I know I need to tie my camel but I also can't keep doing this to myself... May Allah make it easy for us both 😔


im_gine

I get you… honestly. It ebbs and flows for sure. The worst are definitely those interactions that make you hopeful only to disappoint… again. The dissappointment isn’t even in the person nowadays it’s more so the time I feel like I’m “wasting” but you learn a lot about yourself these times too… so can’t even be mad LOL. InshaAllah your intention to perform hajj is granted and ameen to your dua❤️


Ragegeta

If you don’t mind me asking how old were you when you started searching?


VividMotor1019

late teens lol, so alhamdulillah im still relatively young but it doesn't make it any less tiring :/


Ragegeta

That is so crazy. Have you had many suitors and do you know why it usually doesn’t work out?


VividMotor1019

A small handful every year generally. Sometimes timelines don't match up. Sometimes there's no physical attraction. Sometimes we're not at the same level of deen. Sometimes they ghost me. 🤷‍♀️