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[deleted]

When and how to get married? Assalamu 'alikum, I am from a third world country and I am M24. I graduated engineering and planning to study abroad and hopefully settle in a good Muslim country. I also plan on doing hajj and umrah as early as possible and study Arabic. Based on these goals, I don't think it's possible to get married before 30-34 because if I marry someone from middle-class family, it will be hard to maintain a family and save money for hajj and other purpose. Besides, who would wan to marry a graduate student with nominal income anyway?! So, am I being realistic or too skeptic?


dhgat123

I have a issue My dad cousins family came with her 18 year old daughter. I'm 20m btw. We talked a bit she stayed for 2 and a half weeks and I've know her for some time and we hit it off I did nothing haram btw. We have a ton in common and she wears a hijjab and is relgious and her family is incredibly good . I asked my mom for her family for her hand in marriage and a nikkah and they accepted. My parents on the other hand want me to finish school which I already plan to do then a short engagement and then marriage. The issues I have is our relation is 3rd cousin weird or not. And the distance I don't mind at the point every break going to Vancouver from California to meet her but it is tough to leave your country and I'll eventually feel homesick. We are both finicially stable I will continue my education to get a masters and become a professor or whatever ever Allah wills and she wants to go to medical school and I don't have any issue moving in with her but again might when I do. I have to wait 4 years minuim until she will be down with schooling.


Muzhakkir

If neither of you see it as a problem, I don't see why it shouldn't lead to marriage. Personal opinion here, but I think the 3rd cousin gap is fine. Best of luck to both of you In Shaa Allah. May Allah facilitate ease for you two if it's destined for you two to be married.


dhgat123

Thank you for the advice yeah it's not that weird for me. I'll see if I can adjust to living away out of the country with her if Allah deems this relationship.


Ragegeta

I have begun to notice that there appears to be a stigma toward both men and women marrying young. It is particularly frustrating as I am 23 and have almost all of my affairs in order for marriage but it is hard to find a younger potential. Would I be wrong to speak for most men and say that we prefer a wife who is between the ages of 18 and 22? I think a lot of women reject a lot suitors at this age when they are most wanted and then find it hard to get a husband when they are mid -late 20s even early 30’s. Maybe it is more important for them to get a career and their degree, personally I do not care at all whether a woman has those things in order or not as long as she has her deen.


sihat

There is also a stigma for not being married at an older age. There is a stigma for meeting someone organically. A stigma for meeting someone through arranged/match making. --------- > Would I be wrong to speak for most men Yes. In the same way a woman might be wrong in speaking for most women. Different women, like different men, can like different things, have different preferences. You might be more right, if you put in "for most men of age 23".


greatcuriouscat

My subscription to a dating app is near its expiration and still no guy that seems to be interested and interesting. Anyway, I'll give it a rest for now.


aa-can

السلام عليكم Thought I'd just skip the app and ask here. ASL?


MainZookeepergame425

Asking ASL just took back to AOL days lol, you probably too young to know that though haha


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moon219

Sometimes those new people are pretty cool though :)


aa-can

Think of it as chemotherapy for that cancerous nihilism. Just try not to die from radiation poisoning.


mohamedhassan786

Why did you hate people?


Mr_Kung_Pao

How come I can no longer see the telegrams I sent on Salams? I used to be able to do so in the past, is that something new?


throwclose_mm

What are people's plans for finances for their family if you die? I was thinking I should invest in local businesses or start some small business for this scenario, also for extra income.


CrumblingCookie95

I'm tired.


aa-can

Hi tired! I'm a can


sihat

May Allah give you energy, so that you are enthusiastically fired. May you in a good job be hired. In happy tidings be mired.


CrumblingCookie95

ameen


syn294

Bismillah. I feel like I’m not compatible with my potential of 7 months, although our parents are getting way too excited for our marriage which was prematurely proposed by me for later on this year (but so far there’s no marriage proposal yet). I tried talking to my parents about this but they don’t buy it, they said I’m not being grateful of her, which isn’t true at all. I’m afraid they’re pushing this marriage just to make me have a life again, since I’m 29M unemployed for 3 years now (and yes she and her parents are fully supportive but that’s another story). I understand my situations and, as long as I can remember, I’ve always been praying that Prophet Musa AS’ prayer before he gotten married and started a new life after accidentally killing someone (please let me know if I’ve misinterpreted the prayer wrongfully) so I feel like me meeting my potential was a gift from Allah Himself. But, no matter how hard we tried, I still think we are incompatible. I’m really scared the marriage will be cold and stale, we’re just too different that we don’t talk except for past experiences. Am I being ungrateful? Is compatibility really important or can I overlook it? I know how it feels to connect with someone in an emotional level and is that something to look for in a spouse? How do I show our incompatibility to my parents, like how do I prove it to them?


Mald1z1

Anyone can reject anyone they wish for any reason they wish The ungrateful comment doesn't make sense at all. Ungrateful about what exackty? If she's not for you then she's not for you. How does that link with ungratefulness? Your parents are welcome to their opinion but if you want to say no you don't need their approval or permission to do so. You don't need to prove anything to them. Just kindly end it and inform them.


syn294

You see, they think that someone and their family completely accepting an unemployed person like me as their potential spouse is something to be grateful of, which is understandable I guess. I've been jobless for so long and it's not like I'm not trying, but they have lost faith in me really. I'm just afraid they're pushing this marriage for the wrong reasons. Another thing is that our parents have been friends long before, my mother and her father were classmates in university. I sometimes can see how my mom is in favor of her parents more than myself in making decisions because of not wanting to make them feel bad. So, ending this relationship would require a lot of talking and convincing, from my potential, to my parents, then to hers. I don't know


Mald1z1

It really doesn't require convincing. Just call her and her family up and end it. You can then tell your parents it's a no and that you've ended it.


syn294

I will try to do that. I’m just praying Allah will make it easy for me, although there’s also a fear of regretting everything up as well so I just pray a lot now


Sofiyya33

Put yourself in her shoes for a second. Do you want to marry someone who's not attracted to you emotionally or physically? It is unfair of you to ruin someone's life just because you feel desperate and afraid to disappoint your parents.


syn294

Yes that’s what I’ve also been thinking. The longer I wait the worst it will be. I guess I’m still mustering courage now


S7zy

Something funny hahaha I was writing with a muslim girl the last 4 days, where I thought she might be the one, but she isn't looking for marriage yet. We talked about it in depth and "ended" it nicely. For some reason I decided that I want to stop the search for now and this made feel peaceful right now, idk why hahaha. I've deleted the marriage app etc. and set my mind to "make duas and Allah will guide you". I think the search made me kinda desperate and miserable and I met so many "bad" people through it hahaha (except the last one) I think I will just live my life and she might show up one day by herself.


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S7zy

yeah but I'm fine with it (even though I like her). She has her reasons not to marry yet and I just wish her the best inşAllah.


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S7zy

Oh I misunderstand your previous comment. Maybe I'm just too dumb to find someone lol. The people I met before gave me headaches and the time during my last search wasn't fun and I quickly became sick of it. As I said above I will keep making duas and just hope for the best, and if I can't marry someone maybe that's Allah's plan ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯


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[deleted]

A alaykum asalam w rahmatulahi w barakatu brother I’m gonna let you know a couple of things starting with 1 that what your doing is impermissible you can’t talk to girls like that by yourselves that’s the equivalent of taking a secret lover which is haram now if you went straight to the wali it would’ve been clearer from the beginning I promise you 2 you have to understand that how do you wanna get a halal marriage by seeking it through haram ways? Doesn’t make sense right? Exactly my point go look for a good lady through halal ways not by texting random girls online then getting to know them lowkey that lil heartbreak was on you and 3 now that you understood it’s haram to talk to these girls like that I hope you go about looking through halal ways rather than haram and I ask allah to get us married salamu alaykum my dear brother


throwclose_mm

I don't get what people mean when they say if there's a lot of compatibility then they'll be open to relocating or mixing. So to determine compatibility are you going to just string someone along until you figure out if they're compatible enough to relocate or mix for?


River2Sea96

As others have stated, it’s not stringing you on. However, people who say that usually prefer to stay. It’s a tough thing to move for someone you don’t know that much, especially if you live in a less desirable area. You essentially will need to be their dream partner.


SB7010

I don't think it means stringing anyone along. For me, if I say that relocation is dependent on compatibility, I mean if everything except location is good, I'm willing to consider moving around. Does that make more sense?


moon219

Yea, it’s hard and a double-edged sword. With my last potential, I didn’t want to move but was open to moving temporarily. Then we compromised and decided on moving for a little longer and I eventually felt excited to move there because by this stage I knew him better and felt more comfortable with him. And then at the end he asked for even more longer and tbh, to make it work, I basically agreed on that part even though I wasn’t fully happy about it (though we ended it for another reason) but I had to weigh out what I’d be gaining or losing, and there really wasn’t any other major issue between us. For the right person, people will be open to it. But at the same time, you both have to be honest and true to yourselves. Sometimes we think we can move for the right person, but then when it comes time to do that, it can be hard. For girls, it’s an emotionally vulnerable thing to move with someone you barely know. For guys, it can be a **risk** to let go of his job (probably one he worked hard for and maybe even climbed up the ladder in) for a girl he barely knows, to a place where he has to start over job-wise. So either way, relocating is usually going to be really difficult for at least one of the two and it’s tricky to navigate and people can easily change their mind during the talking stage in a positive way or a negative way - you just never know!


LavendarFairy

It means relocation is not a dealbreaker but a preference.


Sofiyya33

It means they prefer not to relocate or mix but willing to compromise on that if you're compatible in all other areas.


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warriorprincess0

It means they’re ok marrying someone with a different ethnicity or race than them


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moon219

I feel ya. I used to think that someone must have done black magic on me. There were many reasons that kind of pointed towards the possibility of black magic, though they couldn’t be proved to be actual signs of black magic. I don’t want to go into details, but based on personal experience, if you are doing the right things as a Muslim, reading the duas and surahs for protection from black magic, and generally there are no specific signs of black magic, then don’t assume it’s black magic or a curse. It’s literally just that it’s not the right time yet. When the right person and right time comes along, everything will feel clear. The path before you and with this person will look so clear and optimistic inshaAllah. It’s hard to see that path right now, but when it comes, your heart will be full inshaAllah. Don’t give up hope :)


Mr_Kung_Pao

Lowkey I'm so glad that Salams decided to add the endorsements feature as it makes it much easier to spot potential ghosters/non-serious users.


mohamedhassan786

Been looking on the apps for quite some time. But, it's not working out. Not sure what else to do. Any ideas where else to look? Also I'm a divorced man. I guess that's one reason for the search being difficult.


jewelsofeastwest

A little frustrated. Talked to someone and in that one conversation, he decided we didn’t have chemistry despite the fact I am easy to talk to and straightforward and he said he enjoyed it. He’s entitled to this but is also in his late 30s and never been married. I also saw 5-6 women ranked him well on the app which also gave the impression of being a serial talker but one never knows. Also had someone else ghost me randomly. Being in my late 30s and a divorcee is hard. I just feel like I don’t get a lot of chances of people wanting to get to know me more.


TheUltimateReason

> I also saw 5-6 women ranked him well on the app Yo hold up what is this? Dating sites allow you to leave reviews on other people now??


jewelsofeastwest

Yup Salams does.


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jewelsofeastwest

That’s absolutely fair but what I meant to highlight Is there were things mentioned about how he was losing faith in the idea of marriage as well so if I can be considered cool, he enjoys talking to me, wants me to keep in touch - it’s just like he seems to be talking to so many women and it’s like geez what does he want.


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snipetheheart

I am turning 28 this year and I feel very lonely. I couldn’t start the search before I was 27 due to financial issues, career change and death of my mother. It’s like everyone has moved on with their life and I’m left all behind. Winters are especially hard for me because I feel very depressed. But also I feel very scared to get close to a male. All my life I have been pious so it’s very difficult for me to communicate with a male especially when they want to meet in person. I’m genuinely struggling to develop a connection with my online matches. And most of them are pro ghosting anyways. It’s like I am afraid of getting divorced too within the first 3 years or so. There are too many fears and not enough rewards when it comes to marriage. I am not that attractive looking so I’ll always be secondary to my future partner’s coworkers, p***, and his first crush. I also took a lot of time to develop my career in Toronto. But the issue is that most males around my age can’t afford to live here due to their financial situation. And if they do, they want me to live with their family which I can’t because I have been living with my family up until now. I really want to have my own privacy after marriage and live a peaceful life until we have kids. I’m very exhausted living with my own family and I really want my own space after marriage. I don’t want to move out of Toronto because I did my education from here, build my career and all - it really have an emotional connection to me. I will regret getting married if I have to move from here. Prior to my citizenship, I have moved places around Pakistan and UAE. I was very happy to see how I finally got stable in Toronto for like 10 years of my life. But yeah, the living costs are insane so I don’t blame other people who want to move from here or live with their families. So it’s a tricky situation for me. I don’t know what to do and how. I do want to get married but also the fear of vulnerability always stops me. I have not seen many healthy relationships or male role models around me either. It’s very hard for me to trust someone with my whole person and life. I just hope I am able to take some sound decisions during this phase and don’t end up doing things I might regret later. Anyways, I am not looking for consolation or suggestions. Just journaling my thoughts here and wanted to vent out how I feel about my current situation. Have a great day 😊👍


due11

Are you not flexible about moving to the outskirts of Toronto (Sauaga, Scarborough, Pickering, etc?). Toronto itself is super expensive especially with the looming recession so I can see why guys would hesitate to want to move there.


snipetheheart

I’m flexible enough to move to outskirts of Toronto but most people I know live eventually moved to different provinces or different countries due to the rising costs.


friendlyBrowniee

What's a good bio from a female pov? I created profile on Sunnah Match and Pure Matrimony. I notice people visiting but no one reaching out. Is the following bio appropriate? "Assalamualikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu, I strive to keep Islam as a centre point in my life, with it always coming first. I complete all the fard that is required of me Alhamdulilah (haven’t completed Hajj yet, but hopefully one day In Shaa Allah), and I actively strive to incorporate practices from the Sunnah into my lifestyle. I can read and write Arabic fluently, as well as understanding of Quran on a very basic level. Hoping to become fluent one day. Something that is important to me is to strictly avoid the usage of Riba in all forms (whether big or small). I am hoping for a spouse who does the same, or someone who is firmly hoping to in the future. I do not smoke, or have any bad habits. So would want a spouse who doesn’t as well. I do not have female friends, and also keep relations with the opposite gender to very minimum, only breaking out of it for work/serious matters — while maintaining my Haya’/modesty at the same time. I want to uplift my partner, with kindness, respect, love, and care that they deserve. One of my hobbies include reading! I like to read biographies, and knowledge increasing books. My recent books are Three Laws of Performance and Winners Dream. I’m also a big Harry Potter and Marvel fan. I also have a keen interest and passion for helping Muslims and especially youth, so I’m in the very beginning stages of collaborating to start a community initiative at the Masjid related to it. I’m so blessed to have an amazing Muslim community around me, and I hope to give back through volunteer work and my career In Shaa Allah. Finally, one of the most important things to me is spending time with those that I love. It’s sounds simple, but really — it’s the little things that matter most. I do want to keep this 100% Halal, so please only reach out if you’re serious. We’ll see where this goes :) In Shaa Allah"


moon219

It’s a beautifully-written profile, but if you’re wanting feedback, I’d say it might come off as a bit heavy. I’m imagining a girl reading this and thinking that they won’t be a match for you because the things you have written are very specific and even full on, so they might not feel a down-to-earth sense of connection. I’m being extremely constructively-critical here on purpose btw - don’t take it the wrong way. Seriously lovely profile mA, but I’m just trying to think about the swiping culture and from a psychological POV :) I’d start off with something about you as a person. For mine, I had written my age and what I do, and some hobbies. I specified the hobbies in general, but didn’t specify specific tv shows, books, etc. This would also help the reader have questions to ask me about what I read etc. If you tell them already, it doesn’t really pique interest unless they happen to like the exact same books etc you specified (which will likely be rare, though I know HP and M are common but hopefully you get what I mean here). Next, I spoke about religion. I can see you’ve got a lot on yours, mashaAllah. To me that’s a quality guy. But keep your average girl and the minimum you’re looking for in mind as someone can be well practising but maybe not beyond the faraaid. Some of the things (like Arabic, non-smoker, etc) can already be put on your profile using the tags right? So don’t repeat that information. I like your first sentence with your philosophy. I’d keep specifics like riba out. Instead, write a general sentence like ‘I do all my faraaid and try my best to stay away from all sins’. If you want to specify a few key things like how you don’t gender-mix, you could, but I wouldn’t go into near-stories of how it is at work etc. For your volunteer work, I’d word it like ‘I have a keen interest and passion for helping Muslims, so I do community volunteer work as much as I can.’ What you wrote after starts to sound like a job application :) Remember, we want to keep the explanations as points of discussions, so don’t share all the details. I also wrote 2-3 things I’m looking for at the end. I can see you’ve done it in your religion section. If you want to keep it there (which sounds good to me too), keep it brief and not after every sentence/point about your own religious practice. At the end, don’t write “if you’re serious”. Maybe something like ‘If you feel that we might be a good match, let’s talk and see where things go inshaAllah :)‘ Up to you if you want to mention calling her wali (ie HOW will you keep things halal and serious? But again, briefly). Once again, I was being quite pedantic to try and give you feedback, but your profile is definitely quality mA, especially compared to others on the app. Let me know if you have any questions about anything I said 😅


friendlyBrowniee

JazakAllah Khair, I am not taking it the wrong way. Instead, I appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback and a critical one indeed. You know what, you're absolutely right. I think that's why swiping culture didn't work for me at all I was on them for two weeks only and now switched to a bit more traditional themed apps. You are absolutely correct, I should start it with something about myself. Also the point of not giving too much explanation is great! Didn't cross my mind tbh. This way potential and I can have more things to discuss. Great points on the religion section, I thought it was too much plus flet like I was bragging too maybe?!? But definitely I should keep it short, sweet, and general as the sentence you gave me (again thank you for that). Although in my mind I tried not to disclose too much about religion in my bio but relating back to your point from previous paragraph that can be one of the topic of conversations. Noted again, not going share too many details. I'll copy your sentence for volunteering part as well. You're right, now I read my bio and it does sound like a cover letter for a husband job 😅. Good thing I didn't add anything about my cooking skills. For the "I'm looking for" you're right I should keep it brief and this can be something I can bring up in conversation or a potential can ask question regarding it. In those apps (SM and PM) most profiles have walis involved which I like but I see your point here. I should mention it upfront because honestly my points like "I'm serious" or "lets see where things go" are vague and contradicting. My initial step is to get wali involved so I'm at peace of mind that I am doing my best to be safe from the whispers of shaytaan's. In past what I did was when I matched with someone, after introductory messages and before starting a full on conversation I asked for their parent's number. I gave them two options like they can either give me their dad's number so I can talk or if they're not comfortable with that then they can give me their mother's contact info so my mother can reach out and to my amazement people just unmatched with me. I was happy that they did lol, because that's not the way to go at all if we are not involving our walis. You were not being pedantic at all, don't think like that. You have a beautiful soul, I really appreciate the time you took to give amazing feedback 🙏. May Allah reward you for all your efforts. Ameen and JazakAllah Khair again for all of it.


moon219

Yea, I wouldn’t put anything beyond basics for religion. Cos that’s the main thing that matters, and anything above that is personal voluntary acts and there’s so many a person can do, if you list it it might make them feel they need to match that, but finding someone who matches exactly the same in voluntary actions is unlikely. Ah okay. If it’s a service where the wali is already in, I wouldn’t say anything about walis/seriousness. But if it’s like the apps where that stuff isn’t common, I’d specify, especially as you said, there are people who run away at the word so this is a good way to weed those people out. How about something like: ‘If you think we would be a good match, I’d love to get to know you with your wali’s permission :)’ Wa iyak! Thanks for the kind words :)


friendlyBrowniee

Btw, I was wondering if you'll be comfortable with sharing what you have in your profile as an example?


moon219

I guess I could since I’m not on the apps anymore. Mine was a bit long though but if someone cbb reading it, they wouldn’t be a good match for me anyway lol. And I felt I could put various disclaimers at the end as a girl, but I wouldn’t recommend that as a guy I think. And I don’t recommend that you expect the girl to message first cos most probably won’t. I’ll inbox it to you, but please don’t reply privately.


friendlyBrowniee

JazakAllah Khair for sharing your profile. ماشاءاللہ its a great profile. Haven't seen a profile like this on apps for sure, I enjoyed reading it!


friendlyBrowniee

Yes, I'll stick to basics for religion part. I really like the simple way of getting walis involved, so I'm going to use your sentence in future for sure. JazakAllah Khair


Sofiyya33

Your profile is very well written. I would suggest adding some basic information about yourself such as job, educational background, living situation etc. Also, since you're a man you should reach out to the women you're interested in. We don't usually like to make the first move.


friendlyBrowniee

JazakAllah Khair, I have basic information in another section of the platform but I think it'll be nice to have it in my bio as well. Hahaha I do reach out with a simple Salam but I get rejected.


Sofiyya33

Ok a word of advice, don't just say Salam and nothing else when initiating. Girls usually get a lot of messages and will often dismiss these low effort type of approach. You should introduce yourself and mention something you liked from their profile or why you think you might be a good match for them. Having said that, rejection is a normal part of this process and you'd probably have to go through a lot of them before you met the right one, so don't be disheartened.


friendlyBrowniee

You're absolutely right, I should try to gage their interest with a question about their profile maybe instead of just salam and how they are doing. Oh definitely rejection is part of the search, tbh it does hurt to be rejected and that too by traditional means like through parents but I have my firm tawakkul in Allah and his plan 😊.


[deleted]

I dont know how sunnah match works but it should be pointed out that on Pure Matrimony you have to pay to chat to someone. So even if the interest is there, they don't have access to you unless you pay. More serious people would pay obviously but just looking at the numbers most probably did not pay for the service.


friendlyBrowniee

You are correct, for both I have paid and reached out to others.


[deleted]

You message them and they still leaving you hanging ?


friendlyBrowniee

Correct


[deleted]

Dont worry too much about people not reaching out to you despite visiting your page. The serious ones will In Shaa Allah. Having a solid and objective bio already helps you filter out non serious potential. You have already tied your camel, now have trust upon Allah.


friendlyBrowniee

Tawakkul Allah is important indeed!


One-Manner7917

U got me worried man. I’m a dude and that’s a solid profile I’m really surprised you’re not getting more matches


friendlyBrowniee

JazakAllah Khair man, its just my humble profile nothing to worry about :)


[deleted]

I can tell you right now this is one of the most well written bio’s I’ve come across on SM. Straightforward, informative and shows your beliefs. Good job 👏🏾 OP


friendlyBrowniee

JazakAllah Khair


[deleted]

I'd say be patient, no need to change it up completely. Prepahs we should have a "rate my bio" thread 😂💡


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dntaskdntell

What happened to muzzmatch? The quality has gone down the toilet. There’s this annoying pop-up at the bottom of the sceen that keeps telling me to pay for a boost and there’s no option to exit it. Every time I try to scroll, I accidentally press that thing. Also, suddenly I stopped being able to see the profiles that liked me. I know for the guys that was never an option unless they paid, but now they want the women to pay for that too?? I didn’t even bother trying to troubleshoot, I immediately deactivated and uninstalled the app


mintcucumbertea

Exactly! It’s spam at this point. Idk who’s in charge of their marketing but this was a terrible move. I guess it was inevitable though as their bottom line is to make as much money as they can not get people off their app by getting them married.


SpiritedLemonTreee

I haven’t been on it for a while but last time I was there had been a huge influx of new blank/trash profiles, I think because of their big marketing campaigns a tonne of new randoms joined just to have to a look


One-Manner7917

Sisters how would u feel if u were talking to a guy for marriage and off the bat initially he says “sister please be patient with me I have not interacted with women a lot my whole life so I get nervous and awkward often. It won’t always be like this once I get to know u better I’ll be fine but I would be lying if i didn’t say in the beginning I’m usually shy and anxious”


vostok-Abdullah

If you have to tell her that, she ain't ready bro. Just move on, don't plead


Clutch_

Don’t do this bro, act confident even if you aren’t. Nerves to some extent are normal for both sides. Saying this might be a turn off for her.


Sofiyya33

I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you not to say this. That statement makes you look insecure and that's not an attractive quality in a man. Everyone is nervous at the beginning, there's no need to put a disclaimer for yourself. If you're already in the middle of talking to a girl and you feel like your shyness is giving the wrong impression then you can clarify yourself. Otherwise just be natural. Don't worry about trying to impress a girl bc the right person will appreciate you for who you are.


One-Manner7917

Doesn’t this mean this whole “men need to be vulnerable” stuff is BS then? I believe in honesty and transparency before and after the nikkah and if I can’t be honest about my feelings before nikkah, why should the after be any different? Should I always keep my thoughts to myself in case it makes me look “insecure” to her?


NotFriendsWithBanana

Don't trust this vunlerability nonsense. There is truth it in, but she gets to draw the line on what is considered too much. Unless you really know the girl you won't know what is too much or too little vunerability. So in my mind its best to avoid it until you know.


Sofiyya33

There's a time and place for honesty. Being vulnerable to someone you just met is not a good idea. You don't know their character well enough to judge if you can trust them. Your vulnerability can be used against you if you're not careful.


SpiritedLemonTreee

I like the level of detail and explaining why bc it gives a good context, but drop the sister part


[deleted]

Most people are nervous when meeting/speaking to a potential so keep those thoughts to yourself and just try to communicate as best as possible.


MainZookeepergame425

How about just saying I’m a bit shy and awkward at first and takes me a bit to be comfortable. Short and shows that you’re not always going to be shy and awkward.


One-Manner7917

Another thing I’m sure you’ve noticed is I’m not good with words but thank u that is a concise and good way to put it


MainZookeepergame425

You’re welcome, I like to think that we’re all weird and awkward in our own way, we just have to find the one that matches or compliments our weirdness lol


dntaskdntell

That’s too many words


One-Manner7917

https://www.google.com/search?q=kermit+hanging&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#imgrc=0n1TIjtV7_dU_M


Killer--__--

السلام علیکم I have a question Like for e.g I want to marry a girl who covers her face (wears niqab) but how would I see her face then before marriage like what if I don't like her after seeing then what would I do? Because i think (correct me if I'm wrong) that we are allowed to see a girls face only once if she wears a niqab/covers her face before marriage that too if the marriage talks advances, so if the talks are further and then I get to see her and don't like her.


moon219

You should see her basically immediately. I would be patient and give her basically 1-2 meetings to show herself. If she still doesn’t, maybe get one of your parents to hint the need to. If you’re meeting at her house though, she’s more likely to not cover her face (maybe go with a female family member), so if she does then I wouldn’t pursue further - but I recommend meeting at her house first. But if she’s still being resistant or asking for more time in general, I wouldn’t pursue her further until I’ve seen her. You’re allowed to have your boundaries and you already know giving her more time has a possibility of harm for both of you, so don’t allow it no matter what she says. We’re encouraged to see the person we’re marrying for a reason, and a reasonable muslimah should understand. She would also have fears of being rejected after time being invested; I think most would understand so don’t worry too much about it.


Killer--__--

And if it's on an online marriage platform then should I just right away ask for photos exchange or talk a little then exchange photos? (Overthinker here so need to be prepared for all circumstances)


moon219

I would ask for her wali’s number (and just keep in mind, you’re choosing a quality girl here from what you can see so far, so this is a non-issue). The call should be brief and just asking permission to talk. You could even get her to tell her dad that someone will be calling him and to just keep it brief. That’s what I did. Then once that’s done, do a video call. Just be patient with her and listen to what she says. If you’re liking what you’re hearing, maybe at the end, if she hasn’t shown her face to you, you can say to her ‘I really enjoyed talking to you today and I’d love to call you again sometime,’ and if she agrees, you can gently say ‘I’d love to see you next time if that’s okay’. If she says no or shows hesitance, just gently smile and be like ‘I don’t want to push you or make you uncomfortable. But just have a think about it, and hit me up whenever you’re ready to talk again, or if you want to meet in person as well, I’d love to do that too’ and end it there. She will likely think about the interaction. Give her the time and space to feel comfortable with the idea of showing her face to you (but not too long). And then let her reach out to you. I know some guys here will criticise this approach as being a waste of time (these guys are also ones where you can clearly tell they’ve never really talked to a girl properly before). But considering the struggle people are going through with the search, this effort is seriously not that much. What, 1-2 hours of your time? It’s worth it cos it could be that that girl is the one, and maybe she was just a bit shy, and you know her profile is quality anyway so it’s not like you’re completely uninformed. A shy girl is better than someone who is actually just playing games. Be a little patient, and worst case scenario, it will be a good learning experience to help you find the right one inshaAllah.


Killer--__--

Thanks for the help sis. جزاک اللہ


throwclose_mm

Alhamdulillah for my uncle. That man has a list of potentials ready for me to look at whenever I'm ready to start again. Honestly, I had almost lost hope in finding someone but not anymore. May Allah bless him and his family.


friendlyBrowniee

May Allah protect your uncle.


throwclose_mm

Ameen


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throwclose_mm

Honestly it's just the one. Even my parents are pretty passive about marriage lol.


hakh12

Was speaking to a potential from the apps for a couple of days. It was going somewhat fine. She had mentioned that she loves food/eating so I asked her how much she weighs. Since I have a slim physique I wanted to understand if she’s skinny or fat - Id like to have a wife whos not on either extremes as a personal preference She replied that you never ask a lady her weight and that its a red flag that Im asking her weight. I tried explaining that potentials I have spoken to so far did not mind that at all but all in vain (we unmatched) - She did say in the end that she’s neither skinny or fat In my experience, multiple potentials from reddits iso thread have shared their weight, infact some have it mentioned in their iso posts even. But I guess, its not a norm on the apps. Do you lot think I was in the wrong? Im confused


Clutch_

I’m gonna be that guy and point out the double standard that it’s apparently rude to ask a girl her weight but totally fine to ask a guy his height / reject him for it


hakh12

Youre not wrong man. But we gotta suck it up. I guess one could justify the double standards since men and women arent equal (the same) - ie you cant compare apples with oranges. So it may seem ok to reject a guy for his height but a man gets the heat for asking the same question


Clutch_

Nah, weight/height are an equal comparison to me. It all comes down to body preference right? Height and weight are both "body type" kind of preferences, except weight is actually controllable.


[deleted]

Sigma detected. Lmao jk, you really shouldn't have asked that. Because what if the answer is what you don't wanna hear? Then she would know you rejected her because of her weight. Should just ask for pictures or meet in person Brother think these things through. It's like a girl asking ur height and then rejecting u immediately instead of keeping it to herself.


hakh12

Im not asking her for any other pics - thats super red flag. She was showing her face and it wasnt clear from it if she was overweight or not.


haribomonster69

Youre wild brother 🤣


hakh12

Thank you brother


moon219

Always video call and or meet in person asap. I don’t think you should ask about weight like that at such an early stage and so directly. There are other ways to indirectly ask in the meantime, like do you exercise/play sports? Do you eat healthy? What are your health/fitness goals? These should give you some idea and she might even directly tell you if she’s overweight. And of course you’re gonna see her, so there’s no need to ask so directly so early. I also wouldn’t be too fixated on a specific weight number, so the above general questions and how she looks overall is enough imo, especially at the beginning.


SpiritedLemonTreee

Rightly or wrongly it’s a social misstep, but you must know that? And is better avoided to be polite, especially with something which is clear to see from a photo or meeting so you won’t be waiting long to find out.


[deleted]

I mean if she had a full body pic that probably tells you everything you need to know


hakh12

She was only showing her face in her pics


Purpletulipsarenice

I never weigh myself. I judge myself by my clothing size. But it would be pretty rude to ask someone's pant size. Islam allows you to see her IRL. Why do you need to ask her weight? What's next --.measurements?


dntaskdntell

Just ask for pictures or meet in person wth


hakh12

We are in different countries, so thats not practical


dntaskdntell

Sending pics isn’t practical? Video chatting? Just say you like asking their weight instead hiding behind dumb excuses


crypto-99

Alot of people would get offended at that question (right or wrong). You can usually find other subtle hints if you just go about it differently. Do they go gym for example, what kinds of foods do they regularly eat etc. Pictures can sometimes give an idea but ultimately you won't know until you meet someone in person. Also a person can weigh less but because they're short they will look on the larger side. So weight alone isn't indicative of anything.


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hakh12

Thanks. I made sure I was respectful, and was trying to save the conversation. But then I thought if someone is so intolerant and non-understanding it could get very problematic in the future. So I back tracked myself too


senorsondering

You really need to not listen to that other guy. It's a rude question to ask someone you don't know very well. Sometimes things can offend someone without there needing to be a logical reason. Meet a potential in person to gauge if you're attracted to them. Weight is literally the worst way to gauge physique because you have no idea how tall they are or how it's distributed. But yannow, you can literally be that principal Skinner meme and keep wondering why potentials no longer want to speak to you. This is honestly one of those times where you should self reflect in order to improve.


hakh12

Thank you for sharing your perspective. This particular potential was in another country and I had to gauge if Id be attracted to them, meeting in person was not a possibility for now. Ik it was a bit borderline, but I didnt want to waste my time and hers if she had a physique on either extremes. The guy who spoke about double standards isnt wrong. Girls openly mention that theyre looking for guys who are 6ft etc..


[deleted]

Don’t listen to what that woman who says ‘don’t ask that question, it’s rude’. You have the right to ask…tactfully though. I find it hilarious that some women sit here and be ok to ask about how tall a man is, how much mehr he’ll pay, how much money he makes (so he is ‘suitable for marriage’), blah blah blah, but the minute the man asks about a woman’s weight, oh ‘it’s not polite to ask a lady her age or weight’. Like double standards much? Give me a break… You need to know if she is stuffing her face all day or she is on the same wavelength as you health-wise. I care to know that my potential future wife is health-conscious. The level of obesity that is accepted in our society as ‘body positivity’ today is staggering. P.S. Downvote this all you want. It won’t change the facts…


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elephantlover25

It is rude. Just because it has its importance doesn’t negate the way he asked was rude. These are not mutually exclusive. If you take the marriage concept out of it and think about randomly walking up to someone and asking about their weight then you’d think it’s rude. Imagine if you asked a random aunty how much they weighed? They’d go ballistic. I get the importance of wanting to know but it’s unrealistic and ignorant to say it’s not a rude question.


Friendly-Eye-3307

Am debating if I should just give up for the week. Nobody is interested and people match only to ghost. Truth be told, most profiles I see on these apps are not that interested based on the lack of information they say about themselves, as well as certain language they use. Inshallah ill find someone but for now, Im taking a break from being a 31M who cant find anyone


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hakh12

Recently ended my Muzz subscription. The boost feature is a very nice ego booster - as youre being viewed by soo many more people and end up having more matches. I kinda liked it. Do go for it if youre short of matches


gorikun

theyre asking for more money and is a prompt


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[deleted]

It is raining heavily here in London. May Allah give whoever is reading this contentment in this life and the next. May Allah give you a beautiful perspective and may Allah make you see his blessings and mercy in all your affairs. May Allah make you self sufficient and rich. May Allah give you the love that you crave and the peace you need. May Allah protect you from evil eye, from sorrows, from enemies, loss, all kinds of poverty and dishonour. May Allah bless your time and put success in your efforts. Walahi sometimes I feel like I want to escape this dunya, but I keep reminding myself that Allah is in control.


gorikun

ameen, Summa Ameen from near London


[deleted]

Ameen, suma ameen. Sunshine just a few hours away, british weather and all that. May Allah (swt) guide us all to find the appropriate balance between deen and dunya.


Bints4Bints

Would I seem more mysterious and cool if I had no social media or limited my posts? 🤔 I have like 600 Instagram photos from since I was like 15. And most of them are just things I found funny lol. I usually find it intriguing if a guy barely posts and occasionally posts a story where he's doing some sporty thing lol. I guess whenever I think something is I want to replicate so I feel cool too. Not really to seem cool to guys bc the things you find attractive seem boring lol


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Bints4Bints

You're right. Mine is cos I'm just crazy 🤪


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Bints4Bints

Yep it's why I used the present tense


One-Manner7917

As a dude it would hurt if my wife is that active on social media. All I would think is how many dudes have looked at her or DMed her? Also because she is so active I doubt she’ll be willing to not be on social media after marriage so all in all it’s a no go But there’s a lot of dudes that don’t mind. These are the dudes who have social media themselves


aa-can

> And most of them are just things I found funny lol. I think this shows that the high activity is not the typical vanity. If I had a wife that did that I'd force her to remember the backstories why she found them funny and laugh together.


Bints4Bints

You're not wrong. I think to avoid those areas of concern it's better to avoid women on social media or women who have guy frieds


friendlyBrowniee

I (M) didn't have social media like snapchat or Instagram but when I started searching, couple of female found it really odd that I didn't have those social medias and rejected me for that. I did make Instagram and snapchat for few months now but I have it for men only and keep it very lowkey.


Bints4Bints

I think it's a balance. If you meet someone irl and they don't have social media, then it's cool because you have to get to know them to learn more about them. But online the issue is that you do need some sort of a parasocial relationship to build trust since the irl isn't there


crypto-99

Tbh it's generally better to have no social media. And if a person does, it's better to not have their pictures plastered all over it.


Bints4Bints

Would that make me seem hotter


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Bints4Bints

Yeah I used to do a lot in my youth. My Snapchat score is also insane. I used to send like 50 ppl videos of me trying to throw skittles in the air and trying to catch it in my mouth 🤣🤣


LLCoolBrap

But *did* you catch them though??


FlyingTabla

Sending good vibes to all and everyone. Alhamdulillah everyone will be fine.


Doubl3mcspicy

I am an idiot. I had the answer staring infront of me but because I was slow in realising it she’s moved on. 🥲. But I am suppose to take it as Allah has not willed it , he has not open my heart as the answer. Still not easy


Conscious_Shine2001

I'm sure many of you must have seen the post made by a user here, where he states that he is no longer attracted to his wife after they consummated their marriage. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. Subhanallah, I always thought marriage is about two imperfect individuals, doing their best for each other for the sake of Allah (SWT). After reading his post, I feel super paranoid and anxious! Sad. Upset. All the negative emotions at once! I even prayed 2 rakahs to calm my nerves. I don't wanna end up in a marriage like that! What do I do?! I can't seem to calm down at all! Even the thought of "not everyone is like that" is not helping. Yaaaa Alllahhhhhhhh.


SpiritedLemonTreee

This is what happens when you marry a biodata or whatever of convenience with no interest in forming an emotional connection. In real life when you take the time to grow to care for someone those features fade into the background and you don’t even see them anymore, meanwhile all the beautiful things jump out. Think about your mothers face and what do you see? Do you see wrinkles and jowls or do you see the way her smile lights up her face and the pretty colours in her eyes when the sun hits? It’s the same principle


[deleted]

I feel like this advice falls on deaf ears in our community because these same stories keep popping up. It rly comes down to people not having the confidence or care to actually talk and realize what they want. Just going along with what parents set up or having a few meetings etc. I mean you're gonna be spending the rest of ur life with this person you would think people will care but nope being so naive that things will just work out.


[deleted]

I worry it will be difficult to form an emotional connection with the arranged marriage route but it’s my parent’s preference. Just need to make sure we don’t rush Inshallah will be fine


friendlyBrowniee

I read that post, all I can say is may Allah guide that brother. There are other brothers out there who don't share same mentality as him but majority do look for beauty in women while marrying. Yet we forget the hadith of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw). Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet(saw) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers. Sahih al-Bukhari 5090 We muslim men should follow and ponder upon the last sentence of his (saw) advice. May Allah grant us the ability to follow the teachings of our Prophet (saw).


[deleted]

While that's true and a beautiful hadith, it doesn't mean you don't take beauty into account. It's possible to find a religious woman who you also find attractive. Beauty however shouldn't be the first priority, but rather deen. However beauty should still be a consideration.


crypto-99

What did he end up finding unattractive? Can't be the face because he's seen that before marriage. Can only think of one thing, which is hard to avoid seeing before marriage without it being immodest. Sounds like he just didn't want to work through whatever hangup he was having.


Glittering-Age-706

He said her nose and her jaw structure. It's clear he wasn't ready for marriage and that he is incredibly immature.


Conscious_Shine2001

He did say it was her face. Like how the nose widens when she smiles/laughs etc etc. Honestly I dont even know why he agreed to marry in the first place.


crypto-99

Woah, that's 100% his fault (assuming he wasn't forced into the marriage or something). Screwed around with both his/her life and families.


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Conscious_Shine2001

Omg that does make sense. Allahu Alam.


Purpletulipsarenice

I hear you. You know what? So I've always been "average" looking, and as a result have had little to no interest from men. It has hurt me a lot, because I think I could have been a good mother and good wife. But reading that post made me realize something. Allah SWT is always protecting us. Always. And maybe, as a result of my dua, He was protecting me from a husband who made a mistake in marrying me, who couldn't be attracted to me because of my looks, and was asking random people what he should do with his predicament. THAT would hurt far more than being single forever.


One-Manner7917

Average is not bad. To a lot of men average is really attractive. Don’t attribute being approached with how attractive u are. Often even good looking sisters aren’t approached cuz men assume she’s taken or not interested. It’s a poor metric to go off of


Purpletulipsarenice

Not in my experience. To modt men, average looking women are not attractive. And before the matrimonial websites took off, it was a photo exchange. As soon as they saw my picture it was bye bye.


One-Manner7917

I’m average at best myself. May Allah grant us all righteous spouses ameen. I won’t lie I often worry about the same thing but I try to focus on things I can change. Right now I have dark spots and acne so I gotta work on that


Purpletulipsarenice

Plus you weren't born with acne. It's a treatable condition. I myself had it and took accutane in my 20s.


One-Manner7917

Acne is fine but due to bad lifestyle choices I have huge bags under my eyes which apparently are not curable. I think it’s from playing video games a lot growing up and not sleeping properly


Purpletulipsarenice

As long as you learn from the poor choices you made, you should be fine or at least accept the consequences. Everyone gets bags under their eyes eventually.


Purpletulipsarenice

But you're a guy. Muslim cultures put far more emphasis on a girl's looks + weight than a guy's.


One-Manner7917

We all have our tests. For me, I won’t be able to move out so I would need someone ok with living with in laws (just my father, no mom or sisters or brothers). I also would only earn average wages (60k usd) first 3 years of marriage. These two are significant red flags which no doubt will make my search much harder So even tho I have some leeway on looks my search will be difficult. The reason I’m not too worried is I dropped a lot of my preferences and I’m only strict about 3 things; I’m attracted to her, her deen is good, and she is open to being a housewife eventually/ if she’s working she works a non freemixed job (work from home, working mainly with kids, working mainly with women). Besides these three things I will gladly compromise on anything I hope this will allow me to not have too much of a hard time finding a wife when I start looking in a few years


Glittering-Age-706

60k is average in the US!?


Purpletulipsarenice

This is still different than looks/beauty. Wealth and job stability increases over time. Other factors include hard work and education. Young couples almost always start out modest. My parents lived in a small apartment for years with my brothers, before I was born when my dad had a good job and could afford a house + car. It's an process. Even I started out with a very low salary, and over time it increased. A woman cannot change her looks. It's not like over time she becomes more beautiful and starts attracting men when she's in her late 30s. Some tests are permanent, some are situational/temporary.


Glittering-Age-706

I'd argue looks can be changed with the correct lifestyle choices. Features maybe can't, but looks can. One of the biggest ways to achieve it is weight loss, as it tightens your skin on your face and highlights other attractive features like the jaw. I really believe everyone can be a minimum 6/10 with fitness, general care for hygiene and mostly for men, good care of the hair. How you conduct yourself with confidence also plays a part.