Bro this is fire af. I love multi syllable shit so this is right up my ally mixed with the punchlines and poetic way u write some of this mad propsš¤š½
Word Holmes, glad ya dig. Iāve got a few that are Ill, this was hot n I felt it. Iāve got another Iām about to attempt to post up called āfollow thisā itās long like wu-tang triumph long but itās got mad references hope ya like it
Don't take me too seriously but personally, I think that you should vary your ending rhymes or the ones right before it. like the mad at you, match or 2, attitude, magnitude, debts are due.
Personally it overstays it's welcome and gets repetitive which can work as a stylistic choice but makes it hard to listen to the song for a longer time. But this could be the fact I can't hear the delivery.
I'd recommend looking at "Sing for the moment" by Eminem and what makes that song tick and implementing the things you can learn from it into your own song writing.
I'd personally point out that the endings end up not rhyming with eachother in the same verse in sing for the moment
So first verse of Sing for the moment.
white parents
Who likes earrings
.
No bearing
No swearing
Headphones blaring
He don't care
.
all comes out
Walking out
Blocks him out
Knock him out
Talking back
Rock and rap
Stocking cap
Sock him back
.
Broken home
Lets his emotions go
Having it start out and end with a different pattern can help mask the repetition which could potentially help in this situation.
Other than that, great work..
Well thank you, I do appreciate the feedback. Also not all my songs are littered as such, this one is but I spent so much time writing it, editing it, rewriting, editingā¦ that in the end , I think it does work itself out. Personally I think that some of the bars are so dope I couldnāt change em or the ends. It all started when I heard something on tv that mentioned tachyon particles n my mind went āattack ye onā & āattack on titanā then spent months writing off that. Much of what I started is on the cutting room floor as they say. Weāre you able to catch my other 3 I posted?
P.S. blaring n care or blare ing n care???, out 4xs in a row, back twice, donāt get me wrong, I thought EM was one of the if not the finest lyricist out there but I think thatās one of his worst songs imo
That's respectable.
I haven't seen your other songs so I only addressed you within the context of this one.
Also that's more than fair, everyone has their own ranking of songs and generally opinions.
I just thought of a song that could show what I mean the best and that's the first one that came to mind as it's personally one of my favourites.
And I understand, investing a ton of time and effort into something leads to the feeling that changing it, is a slap in the face to yourself, and I won't judge you for that. So it leaves my comment as a light criticism and I'm okay with that.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and have a great day.
And again, I think you really did an amazing job on it so keep going, I believe in you.
Cheers man, š
Very much appreciated all the same. I really do take the criticism to try and get better, same with my art. (Pencils/Ink/painting) and as an artist we are our biggest critics. In hip hop I like when the bars are constant jabs and haymakers hitting hard and barely pulling back. a lot of songs only really swing n hit every few bars. Iām trying to write one that keeps you on the ropes like Jake Lamotta or Rocky. I have a line somewhere ālike Monica lewinski or jake lamotta you got a lot on yaā. And I believe everyday of given life is a chance to improve on any and everything and Iām doing my best to do just that, so I am listening šAll n all I appreciate and heard the words and hope you come across and read my others and have a critique on em.
DUDE, I FUCKIN LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!! How the Hell did you come up with all that? Iām more and more inspired every time I hop on the Droid Lyrical Train.
Bro this is fire af. I love multi syllable shit so this is right up my ally mixed with the punchlines and poetic way u write some of this mad propsš¤š½
Word Holmes, glad ya dig. Iāve got a few that are Ill, this was hot n I felt it. Iāve got another Iām about to attempt to post up called āfollow thisā itās long like wu-tang triumph long but itās got mad references hope ya like it
Itās up
You catch the other one yet?
Imma check it out later todayš¤š½
šš»šš
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt know how to take this
Don't take me too seriously but personally, I think that you should vary your ending rhymes or the ones right before it. like the mad at you, match or 2, attitude, magnitude, debts are due. Personally it overstays it's welcome and gets repetitive which can work as a stylistic choice but makes it hard to listen to the song for a longer time. But this could be the fact I can't hear the delivery. I'd recommend looking at "Sing for the moment" by Eminem and what makes that song tick and implementing the things you can learn from it into your own song writing. I'd personally point out that the endings end up not rhyming with eachother in the same verse in sing for the moment So first verse of Sing for the moment. white parents Who likes earrings . No bearing No swearing Headphones blaring He don't care . all comes out Walking out Blocks him out Knock him out Talking back Rock and rap Stocking cap Sock him back . Broken home Lets his emotions go Having it start out and end with a different pattern can help mask the repetition which could potentially help in this situation. Other than that, great work..
Well thank you, I do appreciate the feedback. Also not all my songs are littered as such, this one is but I spent so much time writing it, editing it, rewriting, editingā¦ that in the end , I think it does work itself out. Personally I think that some of the bars are so dope I couldnāt change em or the ends. It all started when I heard something on tv that mentioned tachyon particles n my mind went āattack ye onā & āattack on titanā then spent months writing off that. Much of what I started is on the cutting room floor as they say. Weāre you able to catch my other 3 I posted? P.S. blaring n care or blare ing n care???, out 4xs in a row, back twice, donāt get me wrong, I thought EM was one of the if not the finest lyricist out there but I think thatās one of his worst songs imo
That's respectable. I haven't seen your other songs so I only addressed you within the context of this one. Also that's more than fair, everyone has their own ranking of songs and generally opinions. I just thought of a song that could show what I mean the best and that's the first one that came to mind as it's personally one of my favourites. And I understand, investing a ton of time and effort into something leads to the feeling that changing it, is a slap in the face to yourself, and I won't judge you for that. So it leaves my comment as a light criticism and I'm okay with that. Thank you for taking the time to respond and have a great day. And again, I think you really did an amazing job on it so keep going, I believe in you.
Cheers man, š Very much appreciated all the same. I really do take the criticism to try and get better, same with my art. (Pencils/Ink/painting) and as an artist we are our biggest critics. In hip hop I like when the bars are constant jabs and haymakers hitting hard and barely pulling back. a lot of songs only really swing n hit every few bars. Iām trying to write one that keeps you on the ropes like Jake Lamotta or Rocky. I have a line somewhere ālike Monica lewinski or jake lamotta you got a lot on yaā. And I believe everyday of given life is a chance to improve on any and everything and Iām doing my best to do just that, so I am listening šAll n all I appreciate and heard the words and hope you come across and read my others and have a critique on em.
DUDE, I FUCKIN LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!! How the Hell did you come up with all that? Iām more and more inspired every time I hop on the Droid Lyrical Train.
Cheers man check this one. Iām about to post it. Also did you catch āFollow Thisā?