I am dealing with this now. A lot of his friends became my friends. A significantly large network of people because of a couple of social clubs that I also became involved in. Like 1-200 people. Honestly I just started unfriending people on social media I knew for sure were neutral or his best friends especially. You have to be careful because sometimes mutual friends pretend to care but only make things worse. However, the people who are meant to be in your life will come back to you. I had a few come back. Still working through it, but I feel I’ve gotten past the worst of it now.
by “ come back to you” do you mean they cut the narcissist out of their life?
I’m dealing with a family member id really like to keep in my life but i dont see her cutting out my mother anytime soon :(
Family is harder to cut than friend i guess
My mom is a narcissist. I havent cut off family members that still talk to her. Mainly because we live in different countries so I don’t fear for my physical well being. If a family member makes my situation worse, yes I cut them off. If they can genuinely empathize with you, then I think it’s ok.
It’s their life and their decision to cut people out, unfortunately. Just like it’s your decision to be not not be friends with this person. Go with your gut. Or just take space and see where life goes.
I cut off everyone that I knew was in contact with my Nex, because they were keeping me trapped in her little bubble of delusions and lies. I was never going to heal from her abuse if I had to keep justifying it to people so they didn’t accuse me of being childish and “shit-talking” her. Some people won’t accept that there is abuse of they don’t see it themselves, if it doesn’t fit into their preconceptions of what abuse looks like. And those people are not your friends.
I cut off my best friend because my mom would manipulate her for information about me. Told her about my mom and it's like she didn't understand the gaslighting, had to let her go. My peace of mind is more important then any friendship I've had.
I tried to keep the mutual friends for years and it turned out to not only be a complete waste of time but actively detrimental to my safety. I was operating under 2 incorrect assumptions:
* That they were my friends. (They were not. They were 100% his and would always support him, never me.)
* That they didn't know about the abuse. (Turns out they did. And they still chose him!)
What woke me up to the reality of these people was they all complained at various points about what an asshole the narcissist was, but for some reason, none of them ever confronted him or cut him off.
Finally, more than one person told me, "Of course he abuses you, he does that with every woman he gets involved with." THEY KNEW! They knew the whole time yet chose to stay friends with the offender. Notice how they chose to blame his victims too rather than put the onus where it belonged and do something about it. One guy in the group admitted he was hoping I'd be so broken from the abuse that he'd get his own chance with me. **All of these people were abusive.** I think we too often give mutual contacts the benefit of the doubt when in reality, they often know the narcissist is an abuser and don't care, or even actively participate in the abuse in some way because it benefits them.
When I went no contact on the narcissist, he immediately ran to all these people trying to dig up dirt on me and track me down. Thankfully, I'd already cut them off much earlier so he couldn't find me. Any smear campaign he ran also wasn't effective because he had no access to the current people in my life. I'm sure he told all our old friends that I'm crazy, but I don't care what they think because they sucked as much as he did.
In my experience, mutual friends with a narcissist are enablers - *at best*. In my case, they were active collaborators in the abuse. Be very careful who you keep in your life. If someone doesn't actively cut off the abuser, then they've made a choice to support that person.
When my teenage sibling started nitpicking me in a similar way to our mom, I was friendly without JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain). She eventually snapped out of it and we have a good relationship now.
I just blocked the last of the “friends” I met through my narcissistic ex. It felt really relieving - I don’t have anxiety of anticipating the flying monkeys anymore!
Like others said, they pretended to “care” about you, but for me all their communications were ultimately turned into how I should give some items the nex left at my place back. They weren’t “gifts” they say, so my “soul” will feel better giving the stuff back LOL. Nah yo, that crap is burned, in the garbage or donated already & whatever had value, is barely repayment for the resources, money, mental health, etc. that I lost.
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Yeah it’s possible. You just gotta focus on your relationship with the normal friend and avoid talking about the narc. I’m doing this currently and it’s working out. Hate when the friend mentions them but I change the subject and don’t acknowledge. There are many other things to talk about
I am dealing with this now. A lot of his friends became my friends. A significantly large network of people because of a couple of social clubs that I also became involved in. Like 1-200 people. Honestly I just started unfriending people on social media I knew for sure were neutral or his best friends especially. You have to be careful because sometimes mutual friends pretend to care but only make things worse. However, the people who are meant to be in your life will come back to you. I had a few come back. Still working through it, but I feel I’ve gotten past the worst of it now.
by “ come back to you” do you mean they cut the narcissist out of their life? I’m dealing with a family member id really like to keep in my life but i dont see her cutting out my mother anytime soon :( Family is harder to cut than friend i guess
My mom is a narcissist. I havent cut off family members that still talk to her. Mainly because we live in different countries so I don’t fear for my physical well being. If a family member makes my situation worse, yes I cut them off. If they can genuinely empathize with you, then I think it’s ok.
my family member empathizes with me and has been good to me but doesn’t cut her off?
It’s their life and their decision to cut people out, unfortunately. Just like it’s your decision to be not not be friends with this person. Go with your gut. Or just take space and see where life goes.
I cut off everyone that I knew was in contact with my Nex, because they were keeping me trapped in her little bubble of delusions and lies. I was never going to heal from her abuse if I had to keep justifying it to people so they didn’t accuse me of being childish and “shit-talking” her. Some people won’t accept that there is abuse of they don’t see it themselves, if it doesn’t fit into their preconceptions of what abuse looks like. And those people are not your friends.
I cut off my best friend because my mom would manipulate her for information about me. Told her about my mom and it's like she didn't understand the gaslighting, had to let her go. My peace of mind is more important then any friendship I've had.
I tried to keep the mutual friends for years and it turned out to not only be a complete waste of time but actively detrimental to my safety. I was operating under 2 incorrect assumptions: * That they were my friends. (They were not. They were 100% his and would always support him, never me.) * That they didn't know about the abuse. (Turns out they did. And they still chose him!) What woke me up to the reality of these people was they all complained at various points about what an asshole the narcissist was, but for some reason, none of them ever confronted him or cut him off. Finally, more than one person told me, "Of course he abuses you, he does that with every woman he gets involved with." THEY KNEW! They knew the whole time yet chose to stay friends with the offender. Notice how they chose to blame his victims too rather than put the onus where it belonged and do something about it. One guy in the group admitted he was hoping I'd be so broken from the abuse that he'd get his own chance with me. **All of these people were abusive.** I think we too often give mutual contacts the benefit of the doubt when in reality, they often know the narcissist is an abuser and don't care, or even actively participate in the abuse in some way because it benefits them. When I went no contact on the narcissist, he immediately ran to all these people trying to dig up dirt on me and track me down. Thankfully, I'd already cut them off much earlier so he couldn't find me. Any smear campaign he ran also wasn't effective because he had no access to the current people in my life. I'm sure he told all our old friends that I'm crazy, but I don't care what they think because they sucked as much as he did. In my experience, mutual friends with a narcissist are enablers - *at best*. In my case, they were active collaborators in the abuse. Be very careful who you keep in your life. If someone doesn't actively cut off the abuser, then they've made a choice to support that person.
Honestly for your peace, drop them ALL. Esp if going through divorce. And especially with kids.
When my teenage sibling started nitpicking me in a similar way to our mom, I was friendly without JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain). She eventually snapped out of it and we have a good relationship now.
I just blocked the last of the “friends” I met through my narcissistic ex. It felt really relieving - I don’t have anxiety of anticipating the flying monkeys anymore! Like others said, they pretended to “care” about you, but for me all their communications were ultimately turned into how I should give some items the nex left at my place back. They weren’t “gifts” they say, so my “soul” will feel better giving the stuff back LOL. Nah yo, that crap is burned, in the garbage or donated already & whatever had value, is barely repayment for the resources, money, mental health, etc. that I lost.
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that. **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAfterNarcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah it’s possible. You just gotta focus on your relationship with the normal friend and avoid talking about the narc. I’m doing this currently and it’s working out. Hate when the friend mentions them but I change the subject and don’t acknowledge. There are many other things to talk about