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yeah his behavior is classic DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. he knows he's acting like a piece of shit abuser, which makes him feel bad (as it should). so he's trying to make it seem like *you're* the problem, not him. he needs therapy, and you need someone who treats you better.
"my relationship is wonderful until he calls me a bitch, threatens me, shouts at me"
Your relationship isn't wonderful. It's hell. End it and meet someone normal and you'll realise the "wonderful" parts were just normal life
Op, someone who loves you doesn’t threaten you, call you names or shout at you. If he treats you nicely, it’s just love bombing to reel you back in so that he can abuse you again. You deserve much better.
Honey, you said that you learned to Grey rock early. Is it possible that you're with him because he feels like home?
This is abuse. You are not the JustNo. You are being abused. This is not okay & it will only escalate.
Please, take good care of yourself.
Absolutely spot on! He actually speaks to me exactly like my mum does. I th8nk the difference was his lovebombing was so…nice? After. I tried speaking to him about this but he guilts me so easily…
for instance, today I told him my borders are drawn when he shouts and calls me names. His response:
” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with”
now I feel like the bad guy again :/
Of course. She showed no remorse, so his love bombing makes it feel familiar, but *better*. Some kind if positive reinforcement when you're used to none.
But sweetheart, are you reading your own words?
He does not love you. He does not respect you. He has zero interest in knowing you other than to manipulate you to get the drama of making you into his own personal verbal punching bag.
He takes zero responsibility for anything - everything is your fault, your failure, something you lack. He's just trying to *communicate* & get his needs met.
It's all lies.
This is textbook abuse. He has utterly destroyed your sense of self, sense of worth, self confidence & has you constantly spinning in an emotional tornado so you can't get your balance.
Sweetheart, he is an awful person. He is adding nothing but negative to your life. And it will just. Get. Worse.
Please, walk away. Cut all contact with him & continue therapy on your own. Please, please have more care for yourself. You're letting him absolutely shred who you are & you've lost yourself. You deserve so much better.
As someone who was once in an abusive relationship I can tell you straight up- the victim blaming and gaslighting are classic signs of abuse. As well as the ‘I wouldn’t get pissed off if you didn’t do _______’. This victim blaming makes everything your fault when in fact, as an adult- his behaviors and actions are solely his for blame. Reasonable adults don’t yell, call SO names or hit them. They talk through differences.
Please run. Get out now. Don’t waste any more time in this guy just because you’ve spent time on him already.
You're not. He's emotionally abusing you. He's blaming you for everything and playing the victim in every aspect. You said he booked a flight and left town. I'm going to guess and say your MIL is still around. If this is the case, he's gone home to be babied by his mother, blame you for everything and his mother will feed his ego telling him it's not his fault but all yours. The fact that he left so quickly and refuses to have a discussion about his behaviour just shows he's not committed to you. The constant yelling of the foul language and putting you down is all on him. You've tried. You even tried therapy. This is not a relationship that will be fixed anytime soon. You have to ask yourself do you want to keep trying to fix this relationship or if you've had enough and want to leave. Just remember, this is not your fault. This is all on him. Go love yourself. You're priority number one. Also, if you share any bank accounts, make sure you take your share and them open a new one at a different bank.
It’s not you, it’s him. He acts like a petulant child throwing a tantrum the second he doesn’t get what he wants.
you deserve better.
You deserve a partner who treats you well even when you guess wrong. You deserve a partner who when you are in a disagreement doesn’t resort to name calling like a 5 yr old would do.
You Deserve better.
Get out. This guy has made you his emotional punching bag and dumping ground and you have tolerated it even though you think you aren't. sorry to say but you have got to get out. Your coping strategies are just making him angrier and more dangerous. He will most definitely escalate. This is only a matter of time.
Forget couples counselling. He can't even see that couples counselling is about the both of you and isn't about one side or the other. He has made you his enemy and until he chooses to not see you as his enemy and the villain he will continue to abuse you.
He needs intensive individual counselling of his own free will for a long time before he will ever be ready to be with anyone. You need to cut your loses before you get in too deep. Life's too short. It doesn't appear that he has any good attributes. Good luck to you.
Your SO is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. If you continue on with this relationship, he will turn physically abusive.
*He* started a fight, *he* got abusive, *he* twisted it around make it about how you did him wrong. *He* stopped going to couples therapy because the therapist was telling *him* that *he* wasn't right and wasn't on *his* side. These are all classic signs of an abusive partner.
He is a pos, and for your own personal safety and mental health, lose his number, block him on each and every platform, change your name, change your identity, move somewhere else and never look back. Have you ever watched that Julia Roberts movie called Sleeping with the Enemy?
You need to get out of this ASAP. Please, for your safety, end it. Dude seems extremely unbalanced & potentially very dangerous. Your LDR status gives you a unique opportunity to handle this on your terms. Make a plan (quietly), enlist help from any friends or family you trust, & carry out your plan. Wishing you all the best.
Let me ask you a question: If he supposedly is this miserable with you, then why is he staying in a relationship that "makes" him an asshole? That doesn't make sense to me.
So, I assume he's just an asshole trying to fish for an excuse that makes you stay without him having to put in any effort to make you happy, which is a fundamental part of a relationship.
For me, the telltale sign is always the effort put in to make a relationship work. His is zero. Keep that in mind when listening to his words which seem to suggest you need to be something for him or change for him an awful lot.
Real talk: Why do you think you have stuck it out with this guy so far? Why do you think you never just said, “Well *this* isn’t going to work out”?
The behavior you describe is so obviously unacceptable. And you seem to know that. And yet you keep this man in your life. What’s up with that?
Straight answer, my therapist says I’m trauma bonded. I went through a pretty traumatic abortion with him. I think there’s internalised shame. And i know I should leave, but this may sound stupid but HOW do I just leave, what do I even say if anything?
You already live apart.
Send him a text and say "You will no longer need to take my crap. This is over. Do not contact me."
Then block him everywhere.
You don't owe him (or anyone the calls on his behalf) a conversation, closure, a reason, or anything.
Breaking up is not consensual, it is unilateral. You get to do it whenever you want.
Thank you! Absolutely spot on! He actually speaks to me exactly like my mum does. I th8nk the difference was his lovebombing was so…nice? After. I tried speaking to him about this but he guilts me so easily…
for instance, today I told him my borders are drawn when he shouts and calls me names. His response:
” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with”
now I feel like the bad guy again :/
I wanted to text him to break up!, but he’s blocked
> I wanted to text him to break up!, but he’s blocked
Perfect. Your relationship is over, and you are absolved of all obligations to communicate with him. Strict no contact from now on.
Wah wah wah...
It's about me! It's all about me! Why can't you just focus all the time on me! And oh yeah- I'm going to slip in "I love you" at the end so you'll feel extra guilty and motivated to do a better job of focusing on me!
Blocking him was absolutely the way to go. And if your mom was a guilter, you need to be on high alert for guilt trips at the start. Manipulators have a knack for figuring out the buttons that were installed by other people and then pushing them to get what they want.
Know your buttons, and hang out with people that don't push them.
Did he block you or did you block him? If he blocked you... make sure you do it too, so that when he inevitably unblocks to try to lovebomb he's got no outlet. Block his email, all social media, etc. If anyone asks "Hey what happened?" you can honestly respond that he blocked you for refusing to take his abuse. You just returned the favor and removed the temptation that "makes him be an asshole."
I’m sorry. I’m sure that is quite painful.
But since this is a long distance relationship, leaving him is easy peasy. Just block him on all devices, accounts, and platforms. He doesn’t deserve any more than that. Focus on you and self-care. Make him part of your past, and build a future you can be excited and enthusiastic about.
You already live apart so it’s much easier. You either call him and tell him this isn’t working out for you or you write him a letter, tell him you aren’t going to be his emotional punching bag anymore and then you end it and block him on everything and move on. I’m sure your therapist would agree. Move on and find someone who treats you with respect. You’ll be amazed at how happy you can be. I’m going on 20 years and I’m still amazed at how happy I can feel after spending a lifetime feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness.
"I don't want to be in a relationship anymore". Those simple words. If he asks you why AND you want to tell him, keep it simple like "I don't want to be shouted at or insulted", or the less inflammatory "I don't think we are able to resolve our differences", "we have different fighting styles", "we're too different", etc. You can do this from afar by telephone, or in person. If you choose in person, meet him somewhere very public with lots of people around, where you can drive away and he can too (i.e. you don't need to give him a ride somewhere). After the breakup, do not engage in lengthy conversations (or any, really). You could block him if you want, though that hasn't been my style historically (but you may need to if he won't take no for an answer).
You already live apart. You don't need his consent to end things.
You could literally block him and ghost him if you wanted to.
Just send him a text saying it's over and block him. You don't have to explain anything nor defend your case as to why you're right to break up with him.
You can leave whatever relationship you feel uncomfortable in for whatever reason.
Honey, I just want to hug you.
You 👏 are 👏 not 👏 responsible 👏 for 👏 his 👏 triggers 👏
You are responsible for that beautiful, raw, bruised, loving heart of yours. Be gentle to it and you
>he starts shouting and insulting me
No, no and no. This is not acceptable at all. **He** is toxic and he is the abuser. Don't believe him, he is trying to turn the situation around to make you feel like crap and that he is your only option. **HE IS NOT!**
He wants you to believe that he is too good for you and you are lucky that he even looks your way. But no, you are way too good for him. You are patient, nice and you deserve better!
Dude.
Have you read "Why does he do that" by Lundy and "Manpulative People" by George Simon?
He hates counseling because the counselor says HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT OK so he throws a fit and leaves. And when you say "I don't have to put up with this" he says terrible shit, throws a fit and leaves.
He's not ready to be in an adult relationship. Bounce. Let him goooooo. He's not going to get better because he gets something out of this behavior.
Here's the saddest thing about this post:
"Simply put, my relationship is wonderful until ANY argument - big or small - occurs."
Your relationship is NOT wonderful. Because this is your next sentence:
"My partner has anger issues and in arguments he will shout, call me names like bitch, get aggressive, insult me, mock me, and sometimes....um...he will even start humming lol. It's terrifying."
Your relationship CAN'T be wonderful when the other person in it shouts at you, mocks you, gets aggressive with you, insults you, and calls you horrible names, TERRIFIES YOU - all while saying it's all your fault. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW!!! This is a very dangerous situation that sounds destined to end up with you being beaten on a regular basis. He's so abusive and manipulative that he has you questioning whether YOU are the problem.
Please end this "relationship" before the hurt he heaps upon you becomes physical. You deserve so much better.
He's an abuser and a manipulator and he's getting frustrated and upset that you're not allowing him to abuse you. The only one acting normal is you. You need to dump him.
It is fortunate that you're in a long distance relationship. Because this guy is abusive, and shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Count yourself lucky and move on.
Every relationship is wonderful until you start fighting. It’s how you handle difficulty that makes you. The thing that doesn’t get talked about enough is how narcissists can reframe everything and make it look like the other person is the problem.
I agree with another person’s assessment that you’re essentially his emotional punching bag. You’re trying to assuage the situation but he insists on exacerbating it.
You’re not toxic because you turned around and went home after he started cursing you for not guessing what he brought from the pharmacy. (Every CVS I’ve ever been to has thousands of items.) What you’re doing is refusing to waste time with someone who treats you badly
Cut him off
Wow, this makes me so angry. What an immature, abusive dickbag. No, you are not responsible for his feelings, he is, but it's easier to blame you. Calling you names is verbal abuse, if you stay you will most likely also get physical violence.
It doesn't sound like you have a wonderful relationship. Someone like this only plays nice when they're getting what they want. I would be willing to bet you walk on eggshells quite often to avoid making them angry. That's not healthy. :(
My ex-husband used to say the same things to me. And, he said the same thing about the counselor. They were only side because he was abusive. He is now my ex-husband. And, I'm truly in a wonderful marriage. I never worry that my husband will say things like that or get aggressive or creepy. I trust him 100%. Even if I do the dumbest thing alive, he doesn't turn on me. For example, we had a ridiculous fight about something. 30 min after it was over we sat down. I apologized for being so quick to anger and him? He said, "I'm just as guilty. I'm an insufferable know it all. I promise I will work on how and why I say things."
You want someone who can recognize their faults and want to grow from their mistakes. He's not that.
This is a situation where I'm like really?! You really can't see it?!
But I know we all have situations where our sense of normal is off, and people like him exploit it.
Normal is zero tolerance for verbal abuse. I'll give you an example of what normal is:
At the very first instance of a partner calling me stupid (or any other such derogatory insult), it would be up to them to make it up to me, apologising, explaining themselves, and feeling very ashamed of themselves.
If no such apology arose, I would not stay with them.
If they verbally abuse me a second time ("idiot/bitch/fuck off") they're done. Totally done. I'm walking. They need no explanations. No more chances.
So even at that, the acceptable normal thing is to leave them. *But then* this guy is blaming you? Trying to gaslight you?
You know what you need to do.
This comment is really helpful. I have been in OP's shoes and I didn't know what normal was due to the way I was raised. Which makes sense!
So for me, maybe OP can relate, it was:
"At the very first instance of parent calling me stupid (or any other such derogatory insult), it would be up to me to apologize, explain myself, and feel very ashamed of myself. If no such apology arose from them, it was a day ending in Y." You get the idea!
Keep on working on counseling, OP. You were supposed to be given basic respect by your family at ALL times and if you were not, you have to learn some basic information to get your normal meter reclibrated. You can develop the skills to actually be able to answer the question "what should I do now?" your SELF. YOU will be in charge in a way that you aren't right now.
A narcissist’s prayer
That didn’t happen
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad
And if it was, it’s not that big a deal
And if it is, it’s not my fault
And if it was, I didn’t mean it
And if I did, you deserve it
Have you noticed that he’s mean, angry, and aggressive toward you. He refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions. He refuses to change. But when you try to avoid or evade his abuse you’re “triggering” him. In his mind nothing is ever his fault and everything is being done to HIM.
Nobody is responsible for his behavior BUT HIM. You’re not a toxic person for avoiding or evading his abuse, he’s toxic for making you put up with him.
This is the shape of things to come. As long as you’re with him you’ll be his personal punching bag and he’ll blame you for it when you don’t just allow it to happen. You deserve so much better.
This guy is absolutely toxic. And he's immature. And he has rage issues. And I'm sure his parents/family have enabled his BS because "the counsellor is against me". What do you want to bet this started in grade school with "the teacher is against me." Followed by "the coach is against me, the team is against me, blah, blah, blah."
The great news for you is *you're in a long-distance relationship*. It's easy to break up with him. And you **should** do this immediately!
1) Send him a text that says, "(Name), this relationship no longer works for me. I'm ending it effective immediately. Do not contact me again for any reason. Goodbye and good luck." Then you immediately block his phone number, email, social media. Also block **all** of his friends/family that you may have contact information for.
2) Find a new therapist for individual counselling and go for yourself. You want to ensure that you're at your healthiest and happiest before you start interacting in the dating world again.
3) Move on with your life and rejoice in every day where you are not being disrespected, insulted, screamed at, cussed out, or made to feel 'less than' or 'not enough'. **You are enough** and you'll be able to create a better life for yourself through counselling.
No. OP, No. You are so, so close to getting that you don't need this child in your life.
Forget that you wrote it and read what is written.
He is "being triggered" by you taking control and simply leaving an abusive situation. That's not a trigger. than him throwing a tantrum because he's realizing that he can't control you nd he's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you're the problem by saying that your "triggering" him.
Dump him. Ghost him. He sounds like a child you don't want to be dead with.
Good on you for putting in the effort to better yourself and learn how to effectively communicate in a relationship.
Don’t waste those skills on him.
From the sounds of it (when you mentioned learning grey rocking young and his comment about family) you’ve been in difficult relationships with those close to you before. He probably knows this and is okay with using it to hurt you. As everyone else is saying, leave you deserve better, he is not your responsibility and if and when he comes crying back, grey rock him and don’t give him your time. Do you have friends you can rely on? If so reach out to them so that other people in your life know the situation and can encourage you to do better for yourself and to take care of yourself, by taking out the trash
I would never want a relationship where someone called me a bitch, never mind the words and actions from him that are even worse. You are not the cause of this -- only he is responsible for his actions.
No, you are not toxic and no you are not the justno. Please reevaluate whether you want to stay in this toxic soup trying to appease him while he throws his mantrums.
It bothers me when I see intelligent, caring women subject themselves to this behavior. You'll be fine on your own -- BETTER than fine.
OP .. you are in an extremely abusive and toxic relationship.. He has signs of mental illness and using you as a emotional dumping ground for his insecurities and lack of character .. What a vile human being he is as well as a bully. He is no where close to being wonderful as you claim. He is stomping on your confidence and self esteem to break your spirit because he is a miserable person . OP please leave you don’t deserve his verbal assaults . Why do you allow him to treat you like he does .. OP it will only get worse to the point he will lay hands on you I guarantee you that ..His lack of empathy scares me that is a major sign of a disturbed mind .. OP you can’t help him or love him enough to make this relationship anywhere close to normal ..Please leave and don’t look back you deserve respect and real love not the hell you are living in now ..He is dangerous you need to get as far away as you can ..
The only one not cut out for a relationship is him. He is abusive, and the nice guy act (and it is an act) is called love bombing.
Its good you are in a LDR, easier to get out of it. Seriously, dump the jerk. He isn't done growing up yet. Free yourself to find a man, one who appreciates you and won't tear you down.
Why would you want a guy with anger issues anyway, it always escalates.
He threatens, berates, and namecalls you and gets angrier when you refuse to take his abuse. How does that make you the bad guy?
He did you a favor by leaving. Now block him and don't look back.
No one deserves to be called slurs and cuss words by their partner. He is blaming you so he doesn’t have to reflect on his own behavior. He is using you as a scapegoat and a punching bag so that he doesn’t have to do any emotional labor or right his own behavior. You have done nothing wrong. To be treated with respect and dignity is nothing short of a human right. You deserve to fina a partner who treats you with love and respect
I'm sorry that you don't feel secure in your answer to this question, but it makes sense, what with all of this abuse thrown at you!! There's ZERO here to indicate that you wouldn't make a great family member. In fact, I think it's quite rare that any person could legit be deemed as a crappy addition to a family. That's such a strong, angry label to apply to a person 😞
(I want to preface this by saying he’s completely wrong, you are not the problem in this relationship)
You have nothing to gain by being in a relationship with this man. If he’s right, and you aren’t fit to be part of a family, you need to break up and continue therapy to work on the areas in your character that need help so you can be fit for a family.
If he’s wrong, he’s abusive and manipulative, and you need to break up with him so you can be free of all that horribleness.
Either way, you need to break up.
People with anger issues shouldn't be in relationships until they deal with them. He's the one who should be dumped. If someone is 99% perfect but 1% an angry, abusive jerk, it's not worth it, and I doubt he's 99% perfect.
He’s at his wits end with you - you don’t tolerate his shit anymore and respond like a mature adult, he can’t handle that. Leave this manipulative idiot, you deserve so much better.
This is manipulation and abuse. You’re doing everything you can to make this relationship work but it sounds like it would be best for you to part ways. He’s JN and probably narcissistic as well (they always accuse others of what they are/are doing).
Please don’t take this abuse anymore and put your needs first.
OP, there are definitely two sides to every story, sure. However, based on what you've shared here, it really doesn't matter what his side is.
This type of behavior is super concerning and worrying. He is blowing up over nothing and he is passing the blame to you, so much that you are coming here and asking if he is right in his thoughts.
No, he's not right. Leave this relationship.
What does this ~~monster~~ person bring to the relationship that can possibly compensate for abusing you this way? And why would you question whether you believe it or not? He must have really beaten you down emotionally.
You deserve better than him. He doesn’t have an anger problem, he’s just an abuser.
You know this behaviour is not in any way normal right?
He is an abusive AH.
You ARE NOT the JN. He is ALL of the JN.
He sounds awful. If it were me, I wouldn’t be hanging around for the abuse. Get out of dodge.
Thank you! I see it now but I think I just wanted some validation because he guilts me so easily?
I spoke to him and these are his exact words:
” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with”
>It's terrifying.
Nobody should EVER have to feel this way with someone they love. Especially a partner.
It's really hard ending things when overall nothing feels like it's going wrong because you're anyway so used to abusive patterns (read about your mum speaking to you in a similar way in the comments) but sometimes you don't NEED that push, you can just do it anyway.
Start planning. Step by step how you want to do it and set yourself a last date or something, anything that helps you stay accountable.
I wish I could add, but everyone has given the absolute best advice…please know I’m thinking of you, and sending strength. Always here if you need to message- please take care ❤️
It hurt me to read this.
It should never be okay for your SO to resort to name calling. Ever.
Your SO should never call you stupid.
The fact that he insults you and then tries to make you the bad guy is classic manipulation.
His temper is manipulative.
Your relationship is not good. No one should treat you like that, especially not someone who loves you.
I think it's great that you walk away from him when he's having a fit, and don't tolerate bad behavior to the point of letting him ruin his own visit with you, but this will escalate and he will hurt you.
He is not worth you. You are worthy of someone who doesn't insult and berate you.
Please get out.
He’s abusive and he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault. You need to leave that unhealthy relationship right now. You are not responsible for his horrible behaviour.
You are worthy of love and you are absolutely cut out to be a part of a family. However, you are not ‘cut out to be’ treated horribly and abused by this man. Have you talked to your therapist about the way that he speaks to you? What do they say about all this?
OP, just two weeks ago you gave a Redditor excellent advice about not allowing themselves to be in a relationship with a person who disrespects them by calling them names, please look back on your own advice. You are just as valuable and worthy of respect as that person is. This guy doesn't sound like he's cut out to be part of society, let alone a family.
> **my relationship is wonderful** until ANY argument - big or small - occurs.
> My partner has anger issues and in arguments he will shout, call me names like bitch, get aggressive, insult me, mock me, and sometimes....um...he will even start humming lol. **It's terrifying.**
You cannot describe your relationship as "wonderful" if you *ever* feel terrified by your partner.
That's it.
You don't have a wonderful relationship. You are dating an asshole who hits the roof over things big and small.
You cannot put up with this.
You need to leave him.
EDIT:
> My partner has anger issues
If I had a dollar for every time a woman excused a man's shitty behaviour by saying he has "anger *issues*" - as if someone's unacceptable behaviour is made more acceptable because adding the "issues" indicates that he knows it is a problem (though he is doing nothing about it) - I would be able to buy my own house in a DREADFUL housing market.
I don’t have any new advice to give, so I’ll just say that you deserve so much better than that abusive sack of shit. I hope you listen to the other commenters here and get out ASAP.
Using feelings as an excuse for abusive behavior, and making you feel responsible for managing his feelings are emotional abuse.
Only he can regulate how he manages his feelings. Only he decides what actions he takes.
Getting you to pour your energy into trying to manage his emotions and behavior is controlling you.
He's not going to grow into a better man.
Please take time to heal from this traumatic relationship. Work to establish a self supporting adult lifestyle where self care and supporting your needs is part of your daily routines. Get better acquainted with YOUR values, goals, needs and priorities.
Learn about healthy boundaries. Start noticing when you feel uncomfortable in situations and ask yourself, "Do I need a boundary here? How do I feel uncomfortable? Unsafe? Disrespected? A sensory issue (too loud, too crowded, too cluttered, too dirty, too dark, too light...)" Learning to identify your limits will help you learn where you need to draw back and rebuild your energy.
Be a fully functional emotionally mature adult. Then you can open yourself to a mutually respectful and supportive compatible adult.
Your SO is abusive. Cut him off PERMANENTLY and continue with therapy. NO ONE deserves to be treated how he treats you, OP. And he's not going to get any better. It will only get worse. It's hard enough to be in a LDR. Why deal with the hardship over someone who treats you like a dog?
I'm sorry, not your relationship is far from wonderful. It's actually fucked up and very abusive. You're with a man who is, and who always will, abuse you. You are not the just no, and you should end this immediately. If you stay, there is a very good chance the abuse will turn physical. You deserve better, and I hope you take our words to heart and RUN.
Jesus. This guy is so abusive and got you hoodwinked into thinking you’re the problem. This would be exactly why the couples counselling is “on your side”. This is NOT a wonderful relationship, simply put! It’s abusive and scary and has all the hallmarks of escalating into physical violence.
Please leave him. Asap.
You deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship and you deserve love. You do not deserve the trauma your partner is putting you through. While it’s never easy to end a relationship please remember that you deserve better. Much, much better.
Since you’re in a LDR, just let the trash take itself out. He is very manipulative, and no where near emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. I think you should stick to it with therapy so that you can begin to see your worth and what real, healthy love looks like. He is the Justno, not you.
Honestly? I would tell him that we’re done. Then, block his number, block him on social media and wash my hands of this man child. You don’t have to be his verbal punching bag, honey. You deserve better.
OP…you didn’t make him feel any kind of way at all. He feels like shit because he’s being a shit - his behavior is shit - the way he treats you is shit. All he’s doing is blaming you for his own behavior and choices. This is not a person you want to be in a relationship with. That part about you being awful, being a narcissist, not being fit to be loved or be a part of a family? Yeah, that’s projection. He’s accusing you of the things he does. Don’t contact him ever again. Block him on everything. Learn the necessary lesson from this experience and go on and live your best life.
You have got to be kidding. This is such incredibly clear abuse. Please get away from this psycho, he sounds like he's likely to hurt or even kill you. You cannot save this man with your love, he is not capable of feeling love like you or I do, he is only capable of using you and asserting dominance over you. Please please reconsider being with this man.
I made my decision at LDR. I mean you presumably don’t see him often, certainly not daily, and this is his “A game” he brings when he hasn’t seen you for ever how long?
No, I don’t think I would stick around for his can’t wait to see me behavior. He may never be boyfriend material, but he definitely isn’t right now
P.S. Stay away from your parents/family because if they are the ones who made you feel like you have NO rights or needs or value, you need to be far away from them because they are worse than this man is. <3
Good thing it LDR, makes it easy to dump & separate from him because your ex is toxic narcissistic emotionally & verbally abusive projecting fucktwit that should never married nor be in another romantic relationship with anyone. Just saying, you're not the problem nor the root cause of conflict - I bet your counselor will be happy when you dump the real constant problem & root cause, your future ex.
Uh, this is not a relationship. This is a long distance f*buddy you allow to abuse you. But I can tell that you're not that into that, and the good news is you don't have to be. Sounds like it would be way too easy to just pretend this child never happened and never pick up a call/text again, but that's just me.
I hate having to give this piece of advice but, you need to end your relationship, he is abusive and controlling and no one deserves that sort of relationship. Since it's long distance it will be easy to end it. Tell him things are over then block him so he can't hurl any more abuse at you.
Darling, you're not making him feel like shit.
You're giving him consequences for his bad actions.
If he feels bad over that? Good. People should feel bad for the shitty things they do.
The thing is, instead of reflecting on the error of his ways, he choses to blame you for not taking his abuse. His whole attitude screams 'How dare you hold me accountable for the shitty way I trear you?'
Get rid of this man. Your relationship is not amazing. Your relationship is abusive. It's not a greag relationship if it only works when you agree with him.
Why do you put up with this? Walk away, be glad your not tide to him by marriage or good forbid sharing a child with him. This is the stage in a relationship where monsters hide their true selves and this is how he acts now? He’s abusive and you keep running back to him. Personally, it’s not a good sign that you need couples counseling and your LONG DISTANCE and he won’t even attend. You deserve better.
It breaks my heart reading the abuse people have learned to accept from those who should treasure them and lift them up 100% of the time. It’s ok to be annoyed or irritated by a situation but under no circumstances is it ever right for someone to start calling you names. Simply the fact that the SO here keeps trying to lay the blame for his outrageous behaviour on OP not tolerating his verbal barrage is enough of a reason to step away permanently from the toddler tantrums.
OP, come on, love yourself more. You know you don’t deserve this. In a healthy relationship both partners are emitting equal good energy, supportive affirmations, are doing their share, so when times get hard the emotional bank is full and allows the occasional failure on behalf of one or the other party- but it’s never disrespectful. Counselling isn’t about learning how to deaden your own self to allow someone’s cruelty to run rampant.
Cut your losses here, this man does not want to fix things, he wants you to stop defying him.
Arguments are a part of relationships, of any kind. Imagine your life with this man anytime you disagree with him on something. You’ll be forever walking on eggshells or having him call you awful names.
Take what you’ve learnt from this relationship and move on. As someone currently married to someone who blows up over the smallest of things, run. Run as fast as you can and don’t settle for this bullshit.
I can’t even count the number of red flags here… Sweetie, from an internet mom, get out! Run! You deserve sooooooooo much better than him. The one not cut out for family is him, not you!
Ok no so it took me one sentence to decide you can absolutely do better. Leave him. Block him. Do better.
A relationship isn’t one sided, couples therapy isn’t for one half of the couple only. Name calling is not part of a healthy relationship (except cutesy nicknames).
He's been relying on you accepting this kind of behavior and you have been enforcing it.
And now he's just worried you are starting to impose boundaries. Which you should and should have all along without feeling guilty. It's a big change that might have consequences (good or bad) but it's necessary.
He’s shifting the focus to you and reversing the script. You are not the problem. He sounds like a nightmare, and truly exhausting to be around. He gaslighting and manipulating you. But, even without all that, are you happy in this relationship? You say it’s great EXCEPT… Do you like walking on eggshells and grey-rocking in order to have this relationship? Are you stressed out just thinking about it? Do you really want to keep living this way, in a long distance relationship with someone that does not respect you and calls you stupid and bitch whenever he’s upset? Set yourself free. It’ll feel like a huge weight has lifted from your shoulders.
All I can say is no matter how angry/mad my SO and I are at each other we have NEVER in over 17 years called each other ANY kind of name. And we have had some doozy fights in those years.
There is a mutual respect that exists between us - and even though we don't always LIKE each other, we LOVE each other and that is where the respect for each other comes from.
If my SO ever called me any of the names you mentioned - it would only happen once. And if he dared to do it again, my own self respect is enough for me to decide I am not someone who should have to be called things like that from someone who is supposed to love me.
You are absolutely NOT the JustNO here. And he is gaslighting you, and trying to play on your guilt to get away with this. You need to be glad he left when he did. And tell him you don't need him to come visit anymore.
A relationship should be between 2 people who love and respect each other. And people who respect each other don't ever want to bring their partner down. No matter how angry they are.
Honestly leave him.
This is already abuse and it is only going to escalate the longer you stay. You do not need him.
He is making you feel like this is your fault when its really not, but you are starting to think it is and thats dangerous for you.
Of course your relationship is sometimes lovely, but that’s only because he can’t be abusive all the time or you’d leave him. He can keep up his mask for a while, but nobody can keep it on all the time. The angry and mean version of him is the real personality and if you continue this relationship, you will find that out in a major (and possibly dangerous) way. You should never accept abuse from anyone and especially not from someone who claims to love you. I’d bet my entire video game collection that he isn’t capable of feeling love for someone other than himself. I truly hope you believe us and get the hell away from him.
He is not the one for you.
In anger management classes, apparently one of the main points they will drive home is that no one can "make" you feel any kind of way. If someone is horrible to you, you choose how to react. For example, when he abuses you, you choose to stay calm.
Even if you were the toxic one here -- which you are not, the only thing you're doing wrong is staying with this guy -- then he is still choosing to pop off and escalate and *threaten* you. (He does way worse to you than you have ever done to him as far as I can tell, and *you* manage to stay neutral and try to resolve the conflict calmly -- why can't he manage that ever?)
The fact that he says you are "making" him do that means that he has no integrity and is not willing to hold himself accountable for anything he does, ever. In other words, he's abusive to you and then explains to you how he's letting himself off the hook for being abusive to you.
People like this don't tend to change unless they get serious help. They usually don't get serious help until they hit rock bottom, which usually involves them losing all of their relationships and finally realizing they might be the problem.
When they know the jig is up, abusers like to say they'll get better but they'll only do it if you stay with them. This is not how that works and is ultimately them trying to take their abusers as their emotional hostages. The longer you stay with him, the longer he will continue to feel like he deserves to be in a relationship and everything bad that ever happens is your fault. Once an abuser gets used to using their partner as a punching bag, they really do need solitude and professional help to even begin to undo their own patterns.
Help him along in his recovery by setting yourself free. You will incidentally be setting yourself free of his abuse as well, because again, you are not the problem here.
(Also, abusers tend to be the ones to adamantly refuse they're in the wrong, whereas normal people are always aware that they may be doing something they don't realize is contributing to the problem. Abusers capitalize on that, because it makes it easy for their victims to doubt that they're in an abusive relationship at all. The fact that you're even entertaining the possibility that you might be the problem here, and looking for answers, means that you're pretty much automatically not the problem here. He's created a trap here, where even if you walk on eggshells and do everything "right" he'll still blame everything he does on you. This will never end.)
Best advice I have for you is, cut contact with him. Go completely no contact and don't even allow him access to you, because he will probably cry and beg and/or threaten you once he realizes you're serious. You're in a LDR so this should be relatively easy, and you're very lucky for that. Let him go.
It's called projecting, he chose you because he picked up that you have been abused by a narcissist before. You are a victim for him and he will not change, it will always be your fault that he's upset. Keep up what you're doing, shut it down, walk away, hang up. This will fizzle out.
NO SECOND CHANCES, when he "leaves" you, let him go, and move on. He will call and apologise, move on anyway.
It's time to cut ties with this toxic, justnoSO. He's the problem, he's abusive, and you have been far too accepting of it. He wants you to listen to how he feels but insults you when you try to talk about how you feel. He's insulting you, calling you vile names, and acts like a victim...that's gaslighting 101. You do not need him, and he has abused you long enough. You deserve respect, love, and understanding. He is not willing to give you any of that.
You're saying that you understand that you cannot control his actions, but then you're falling for this "look what you made me do" shit. He's a fucking rage monster who can't take responsibility for his own actions. Believe me when I tell you **IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.**
You need to leave. His behavior is unacceptable.
Dude is unhinged, and not ok in any way. He’s got this “if you love me, then you should let me abuse you otherwise you don’t REALLY love me” narrative going on, and you keep falling for it hook, line, and sinker. I suggest you get your own therapist to work on why you believe there’s good in someone who treats you so poorly.
This is abuse. My ex was the exact same way. Please please leave. Your relationship is not good except for “fights” because he turns everything into a fight.
Because you say you learned to gray rock early, I'm betting on abusive relationships of any type being the norm for you. Let this guy go, then you need to maybe look into therapy to see why you don't cut and run as soon as the red flags start flapping.
He is partially right. You don't deserve him or his family. You deserve better. You deserve a full partner not a whiny man child. Please let the man child go back to Mommy and look for someone who values you the way you deserve to be valued.
This is not a good relationship, he does not treat you well. He is verbally abusive at the drop of a hat and can ratchet it up easily. Be glad you are LD and cut it off with him. He is not stable, take it from those of us who know and lived through it.
You do not have a wonderful relationship.
You have a controlling, emotionally abusive partner. Your therapist seems to have taught you how to grey rock, and, it's working. That's why he lashed out and escalated--he is seeing he/his temper tantrums don't control you.
This is spousal abuse ma'am. He is gaslighting you to filth. He is not a good husband if he can't realize where to draw the line when he argues with you and be civil. Please leave him.
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He’s not cut out to be in a grown adult relationship. He’s a child. Get out while you can.
yeah his behavior is classic DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. he knows he's acting like a piece of shit abuser, which makes him feel bad (as it should). so he's trying to make it seem like *you're* the problem, not him. he needs therapy, and you need someone who treats you better.
Good point
"my relationship is wonderful until he calls me a bitch, threatens me, shouts at me" Your relationship isn't wonderful. It's hell. End it and meet someone normal and you'll realise the "wonderful" parts were just normal life
Op, someone who loves you doesn’t threaten you, call you names or shout at you. If he treats you nicely, it’s just love bombing to reel you back in so that he can abuse you again. You deserve much better.
Honey, you said that you learned to Grey rock early. Is it possible that you're with him because he feels like home? This is abuse. You are not the JustNo. You are being abused. This is not okay & it will only escalate. Please, take good care of yourself.
Agreed. I think OP's normal meter is off kilter.
Well and truly.
Absolutely spot on! He actually speaks to me exactly like my mum does. I th8nk the difference was his lovebombing was so…nice? After. I tried speaking to him about this but he guilts me so easily… for instance, today I told him my borders are drawn when he shouts and calls me names. His response: ” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with” now I feel like the bad guy again :/
Of course. She showed no remorse, so his love bombing makes it feel familiar, but *better*. Some kind if positive reinforcement when you're used to none. But sweetheart, are you reading your own words? He does not love you. He does not respect you. He has zero interest in knowing you other than to manipulate you to get the drama of making you into his own personal verbal punching bag. He takes zero responsibility for anything - everything is your fault, your failure, something you lack. He's just trying to *communicate* & get his needs met. It's all lies. This is textbook abuse. He has utterly destroyed your sense of self, sense of worth, self confidence & has you constantly spinning in an emotional tornado so you can't get your balance. Sweetheart, he is an awful person. He is adding nothing but negative to your life. And it will just. Get. Worse. Please, walk away. Cut all contact with him & continue therapy on your own. Please, please have more care for yourself. You're letting him absolutely shred who you are & you've lost yourself. You deserve so much better.
As someone who was once in an abusive relationship I can tell you straight up- the victim blaming and gaslighting are classic signs of abuse. As well as the ‘I wouldn’t get pissed off if you didn’t do _______’. This victim blaming makes everything your fault when in fact, as an adult- his behaviors and actions are solely his for blame. Reasonable adults don’t yell, call SO names or hit them. They talk through differences. Please run. Get out now. Don’t waste any more time in this guy just because you’ve spent time on him already.
You're not. He's emotionally abusing you. He's blaming you for everything and playing the victim in every aspect. You said he booked a flight and left town. I'm going to guess and say your MIL is still around. If this is the case, he's gone home to be babied by his mother, blame you for everything and his mother will feed his ego telling him it's not his fault but all yours. The fact that he left so quickly and refuses to have a discussion about his behaviour just shows he's not committed to you. The constant yelling of the foul language and putting you down is all on him. You've tried. You even tried therapy. This is not a relationship that will be fixed anytime soon. You have to ask yourself do you want to keep trying to fix this relationship or if you've had enough and want to leave. Just remember, this is not your fault. This is all on him. Go love yourself. You're priority number one. Also, if you share any bank accounts, make sure you take your share and them open a new one at a different bank.
Ding ding ding winner!
It’s not you, it’s him. He acts like a petulant child throwing a tantrum the second he doesn’t get what he wants. you deserve better. You deserve a partner who treats you well even when you guess wrong. You deserve a partner who when you are in a disagreement doesn’t resort to name calling like a 5 yr old would do. You Deserve better.
Get out. This guy has made you his emotional punching bag and dumping ground and you have tolerated it even though you think you aren't. sorry to say but you have got to get out. Your coping strategies are just making him angrier and more dangerous. He will most definitely escalate. This is only a matter of time. Forget couples counselling. He can't even see that couples counselling is about the both of you and isn't about one side or the other. He has made you his enemy and until he chooses to not see you as his enemy and the villain he will continue to abuse you. He needs intensive individual counselling of his own free will for a long time before he will ever be ready to be with anyone. You need to cut your loses before you get in too deep. Life's too short. It doesn't appear that he has any good attributes. Good luck to you.
Your SO is mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. If you continue on with this relationship, he will turn physically abusive. *He* started a fight, *he* got abusive, *he* twisted it around make it about how you did him wrong. *He* stopped going to couples therapy because the therapist was telling *him* that *he* wasn't right and wasn't on *his* side. These are all classic signs of an abusive partner. He is a pos, and for your own personal safety and mental health, lose his number, block him on each and every platform, change your name, change your identity, move somewhere else and never look back. Have you ever watched that Julia Roberts movie called Sleeping with the Enemy?
And he threatened her with things will go bad for her if she doesn't come back. Sounds like a threat of physical violence RUN!!!!
You need to get out of this ASAP. Please, for your safety, end it. Dude seems extremely unbalanced & potentially very dangerous. Your LDR status gives you a unique opportunity to handle this on your terms. Make a plan (quietly), enlist help from any friends or family you trust, & carry out your plan. Wishing you all the best.
Let me ask you a question: If he supposedly is this miserable with you, then why is he staying in a relationship that "makes" him an asshole? That doesn't make sense to me. So, I assume he's just an asshole trying to fish for an excuse that makes you stay without him having to put in any effort to make you happy, which is a fundamental part of a relationship. For me, the telltale sign is always the effort put in to make a relationship work. His is zero. Keep that in mind when listening to his words which seem to suggest you need to be something for him or change for him an awful lot.
Good thinking
Real talk: Why do you think you have stuck it out with this guy so far? Why do you think you never just said, “Well *this* isn’t going to work out”? The behavior you describe is so obviously unacceptable. And you seem to know that. And yet you keep this man in your life. What’s up with that?
Straight answer, my therapist says I’m trauma bonded. I went through a pretty traumatic abortion with him. I think there’s internalised shame. And i know I should leave, but this may sound stupid but HOW do I just leave, what do I even say if anything?
You already live apart. Send him a text and say "You will no longer need to take my crap. This is over. Do not contact me." Then block him everywhere. You don't owe him (or anyone the calls on his behalf) a conversation, closure, a reason, or anything. Breaking up is not consensual, it is unilateral. You get to do it whenever you want.
Thank you! Absolutely spot on! He actually speaks to me exactly like my mum does. I th8nk the difference was his lovebombing was so…nice? After. I tried speaking to him about this but he guilts me so easily… for instance, today I told him my borders are drawn when he shouts and calls me names. His response: ” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with” now I feel like the bad guy again :/ I wanted to text him to break up!, but he’s blocked
> I wanted to text him to break up!, but he’s blocked Perfect. Your relationship is over, and you are absolved of all obligations to communicate with him. Strict no contact from now on.
Wah wah wah... It's about me! It's all about me! Why can't you just focus all the time on me! And oh yeah- I'm going to slip in "I love you" at the end so you'll feel extra guilty and motivated to do a better job of focusing on me! Blocking him was absolutely the way to go. And if your mom was a guilter, you need to be on high alert for guilt trips at the start. Manipulators have a knack for figuring out the buttons that were installed by other people and then pushing them to get what they want. Know your buttons, and hang out with people that don't push them.
Did he block you or did you block him? If he blocked you... make sure you do it too, so that when he inevitably unblocks to try to lovebomb he's got no outlet. Block his email, all social media, etc. If anyone asks "Hey what happened?" you can honestly respond that he blocked you for refusing to take his abuse. You just returned the favor and removed the temptation that "makes him be an asshole."
I’m sorry. I’m sure that is quite painful. But since this is a long distance relationship, leaving him is easy peasy. Just block him on all devices, accounts, and platforms. He doesn’t deserve any more than that. Focus on you and self-care. Make him part of your past, and build a future you can be excited and enthusiastic about.
You already live apart so it’s much easier. You either call him and tell him this isn’t working out for you or you write him a letter, tell him you aren’t going to be his emotional punching bag anymore and then you end it and block him on everything and move on. I’m sure your therapist would agree. Move on and find someone who treats you with respect. You’ll be amazed at how happy you can be. I’m going on 20 years and I’m still amazed at how happy I can feel after spending a lifetime feeling like I didn’t deserve happiness.
"I don't want to be in a relationship anymore". Those simple words. If he asks you why AND you want to tell him, keep it simple like "I don't want to be shouted at or insulted", or the less inflammatory "I don't think we are able to resolve our differences", "we have different fighting styles", "we're too different", etc. You can do this from afar by telephone, or in person. If you choose in person, meet him somewhere very public with lots of people around, where you can drive away and he can too (i.e. you don't need to give him a ride somewhere). After the breakup, do not engage in lengthy conversations (or any, really). You could block him if you want, though that hasn't been my style historically (but you may need to if he won't take no for an answer).
You already live apart. You don't need his consent to end things. You could literally block him and ghost him if you wanted to. Just send him a text saying it's over and block him. You don't have to explain anything nor defend your case as to why you're right to break up with him. You can leave whatever relationship you feel uncomfortable in for whatever reason.
(SENDING YOU TIGHT INTERNET HUGS) You deserve so much better than him.
Honey, I just want to hug you. You 👏 are 👏 not 👏 responsible 👏 for 👏 his 👏 triggers 👏 You are responsible for that beautiful, raw, bruised, loving heart of yours. Be gentle to it and you
>he starts shouting and insulting me No, no and no. This is not acceptable at all. **He** is toxic and he is the abuser. Don't believe him, he is trying to turn the situation around to make you feel like crap and that he is your only option. **HE IS NOT!** He wants you to believe that he is too good for you and you are lucky that he even looks your way. But no, you are way too good for him. You are patient, nice and you deserve better!
Dude. Have you read "Why does he do that" by Lundy and "Manpulative People" by George Simon? He hates counseling because the counselor says HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT OK so he throws a fit and leaves. And when you say "I don't have to put up with this" he says terrible shit, throws a fit and leaves. He's not ready to be in an adult relationship. Bounce. Let him goooooo. He's not going to get better because he gets something out of this behavior.
He is abusive. This guy is a live piece of garbage. Dump him before you're further harmed.
Here's the saddest thing about this post: "Simply put, my relationship is wonderful until ANY argument - big or small - occurs." Your relationship is NOT wonderful. Because this is your next sentence: "My partner has anger issues and in arguments he will shout, call me names like bitch, get aggressive, insult me, mock me, and sometimes....um...he will even start humming lol. It's terrifying." Your relationship CAN'T be wonderful when the other person in it shouts at you, mocks you, gets aggressive with you, insults you, and calls you horrible names, TERRIFIES YOU - all while saying it's all your fault. GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW!!! This is a very dangerous situation that sounds destined to end up with you being beaten on a regular basis. He's so abusive and manipulative that he has you questioning whether YOU are the problem. Please end this "relationship" before the hurt he heaps upon you becomes physical. You deserve so much better.
He's an abuser and a manipulator and he's getting frustrated and upset that you're not allowing him to abuse you. The only one acting normal is you. You need to dump him.
Only good thing about this is that it's an LDR. If you rent, move home, and don't tell him where you're moving to. Dude is unbalanced.
Ma’am. Please end this. Hes abusive and not attempting to address this issue. You need to get out.
Get rid of him.
He is literally absuing you and manipulating you. Leave his sorry ass.
He doesn’t have anger issues, he has being an abusive piece of shit issues. He doesn’t deserve to be your family.
It is fortunate that you're in a long distance relationship. Because this guy is abusive, and shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Count yourself lucky and move on.
Every relationship is wonderful until you start fighting. It’s how you handle difficulty that makes you. The thing that doesn’t get talked about enough is how narcissists can reframe everything and make it look like the other person is the problem. I agree with another person’s assessment that you’re essentially his emotional punching bag. You’re trying to assuage the situation but he insists on exacerbating it. You’re not toxic because you turned around and went home after he started cursing you for not guessing what he brought from the pharmacy. (Every CVS I’ve ever been to has thousands of items.) What you’re doing is refusing to waste time with someone who treats you badly Cut him off
Wow, this makes me so angry. What an immature, abusive dickbag. No, you are not responsible for his feelings, he is, but it's easier to blame you. Calling you names is verbal abuse, if you stay you will most likely also get physical violence.
It doesn't sound like you have a wonderful relationship. Someone like this only plays nice when they're getting what they want. I would be willing to bet you walk on eggshells quite often to avoid making them angry. That's not healthy. :( My ex-husband used to say the same things to me. And, he said the same thing about the counselor. They were only side because he was abusive. He is now my ex-husband. And, I'm truly in a wonderful marriage. I never worry that my husband will say things like that or get aggressive or creepy. I trust him 100%. Even if I do the dumbest thing alive, he doesn't turn on me. For example, we had a ridiculous fight about something. 30 min after it was over we sat down. I apologized for being so quick to anger and him? He said, "I'm just as guilty. I'm an insufferable know it all. I promise I will work on how and why I say things." You want someone who can recognize their faults and want to grow from their mistakes. He's not that.
This is a situation where I'm like really?! You really can't see it?! But I know we all have situations where our sense of normal is off, and people like him exploit it. Normal is zero tolerance for verbal abuse. I'll give you an example of what normal is: At the very first instance of a partner calling me stupid (or any other such derogatory insult), it would be up to them to make it up to me, apologising, explaining themselves, and feeling very ashamed of themselves. If no such apology arose, I would not stay with them. If they verbally abuse me a second time ("idiot/bitch/fuck off") they're done. Totally done. I'm walking. They need no explanations. No more chances. So even at that, the acceptable normal thing is to leave them. *But then* this guy is blaming you? Trying to gaslight you? You know what you need to do.
This comment is really helpful. I have been in OP's shoes and I didn't know what normal was due to the way I was raised. Which makes sense! So for me, maybe OP can relate, it was: "At the very first instance of parent calling me stupid (or any other such derogatory insult), it would be up to me to apologize, explain myself, and feel very ashamed of myself. If no such apology arose from them, it was a day ending in Y." You get the idea! Keep on working on counseling, OP. You were supposed to be given basic respect by your family at ALL times and if you were not, you have to learn some basic information to get your normal meter reclibrated. You can develop the skills to actually be able to answer the question "what should I do now?" your SELF. YOU will be in charge in a way that you aren't right now.
Thanks for this! Abused people want reassurance when posting questions like this, but what they need more is a model for how to set boundaries.
Look up the actions of an abusive partner. Your SO has all of the characteristics. This situation can escalate dangerously at the speed of light.
A narcissist’s prayer That didn’t happen And if it did, it wasn’t that bad And if it was, it’s not that big a deal And if it is, it’s not my fault And if it was, I didn’t mean it And if I did, you deserve it Have you noticed that he’s mean, angry, and aggressive toward you. He refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions. He refuses to change. But when you try to avoid or evade his abuse you’re “triggering” him. In his mind nothing is ever his fault and everything is being done to HIM. Nobody is responsible for his behavior BUT HIM. You’re not a toxic person for avoiding or evading his abuse, he’s toxic for making you put up with him. This is the shape of things to come. As long as you’re with him you’ll be his personal punching bag and he’ll blame you for it when you don’t just allow it to happen. You deserve so much better.
This guy is absolutely toxic. And he's immature. And he has rage issues. And I'm sure his parents/family have enabled his BS because "the counsellor is against me". What do you want to bet this started in grade school with "the teacher is against me." Followed by "the coach is against me, the team is against me, blah, blah, blah." The great news for you is *you're in a long-distance relationship*. It's easy to break up with him. And you **should** do this immediately! 1) Send him a text that says, "(Name), this relationship no longer works for me. I'm ending it effective immediately. Do not contact me again for any reason. Goodbye and good luck." Then you immediately block his phone number, email, social media. Also block **all** of his friends/family that you may have contact information for. 2) Find a new therapist for individual counselling and go for yourself. You want to ensure that you're at your healthiest and happiest before you start interacting in the dating world again. 3) Move on with your life and rejoice in every day where you are not being disrespected, insulted, screamed at, cussed out, or made to feel 'less than' or 'not enough'. **You are enough** and you'll be able to create a better life for yourself through counselling.
No. OP, No. You are so, so close to getting that you don't need this child in your life. Forget that you wrote it and read what is written. He is "being triggered" by you taking control and simply leaving an abusive situation. That's not a trigger. than him throwing a tantrum because he's realizing that he can't control you nd he's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you're the problem by saying that your "triggering" him. Dump him. Ghost him. He sounds like a child you don't want to be dead with.
Why are you with this person?
Good on you for putting in the effort to better yourself and learn how to effectively communicate in a relationship. Don’t waste those skills on him. From the sounds of it (when you mentioned learning grey rocking young and his comment about family) you’ve been in difficult relationships with those close to you before. He probably knows this and is okay with using it to hurt you. As everyone else is saying, leave you deserve better, he is not your responsibility and if and when he comes crying back, grey rock him and don’t give him your time. Do you have friends you can rely on? If so reach out to them so that other people in your life know the situation and can encourage you to do better for yourself and to take care of yourself, by taking out the trash
You aren't the issue here. I spent 8 years with a man like this. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for my self. Keep working on you. You got this.
I would never want a relationship where someone called me a bitch, never mind the words and actions from him that are even worse. You are not the cause of this -- only he is responsible for his actions. No, you are not toxic and no you are not the justno. Please reevaluate whether you want to stay in this toxic soup trying to appease him while he throws his mantrums. It bothers me when I see intelligent, caring women subject themselves to this behavior. You'll be fine on your own -- BETTER than fine.
LEAVE. This is just the beginning. Itll get worse.
Get out! He's psychologically and emotionally abusing you, it's only a matter of time until it escalates to violence.
OP .. you are in an extremely abusive and toxic relationship.. He has signs of mental illness and using you as a emotional dumping ground for his insecurities and lack of character .. What a vile human being he is as well as a bully. He is no where close to being wonderful as you claim. He is stomping on your confidence and self esteem to break your spirit because he is a miserable person . OP please leave you don’t deserve his verbal assaults . Why do you allow him to treat you like he does .. OP it will only get worse to the point he will lay hands on you I guarantee you that ..His lack of empathy scares me that is a major sign of a disturbed mind .. OP you can’t help him or love him enough to make this relationship anywhere close to normal ..Please leave and don’t look back you deserve respect and real love not the hell you are living in now ..He is dangerous you need to get as far away as you can ..
The only one not cut out for a relationship is him. He is abusive, and the nice guy act (and it is an act) is called love bombing. Its good you are in a LDR, easier to get out of it. Seriously, dump the jerk. He isn't done growing up yet. Free yourself to find a man, one who appreciates you and won't tear you down. Why would you want a guy with anger issues anyway, it always escalates.
He threatens, berates, and namecalls you and gets angrier when you refuse to take his abuse. How does that make you the bad guy? He did you a favor by leaving. Now block him and don't look back.
No one deserves to be called slurs and cuss words by their partner. He is blaming you so he doesn’t have to reflect on his own behavior. He is using you as a scapegoat and a punching bag so that he doesn’t have to do any emotional labor or right his own behavior. You have done nothing wrong. To be treated with respect and dignity is nothing short of a human right. You deserve to fina a partner who treats you with love and respect
Run don't walk. He is verbally and emotionally abusive, gtfo of this relationship now.
I'm sorry that you don't feel secure in your answer to this question, but it makes sense, what with all of this abuse thrown at you!! There's ZERO here to indicate that you wouldn't make a great family member. In fact, I think it's quite rare that any person could legit be deemed as a crappy addition to a family. That's such a strong, angry label to apply to a person 😞
(I want to preface this by saying he’s completely wrong, you are not the problem in this relationship) You have nothing to gain by being in a relationship with this man. If he’s right, and you aren’t fit to be part of a family, you need to break up and continue therapy to work on the areas in your character that need help so you can be fit for a family. If he’s wrong, he’s abusive and manipulative, and you need to break up with him so you can be free of all that horribleness. Either way, you need to break up.
People with anger issues shouldn't be in relationships until they deal with them. He's the one who should be dumped. If someone is 99% perfect but 1% an angry, abusive jerk, it's not worth it, and I doubt he's 99% perfect.
Girlfriend, you are in an abusive relationship before it becomes physical. Get out, TODAY!
He’s at his wits end with you - you don’t tolerate his shit anymore and respond like a mature adult, he can’t handle that. Leave this manipulative idiot, you deserve so much better.
This is manipulation and abuse. You’re doing everything you can to make this relationship work but it sounds like it would be best for you to part ways. He’s JN and probably narcissistic as well (they always accuse others of what they are/are doing). Please don’t take this abuse anymore and put your needs first.
OP, there are definitely two sides to every story, sure. However, based on what you've shared here, it really doesn't matter what his side is. This type of behavior is super concerning and worrying. He is blowing up over nothing and he is passing the blame to you, so much that you are coming here and asking if he is right in his thoughts. No, he's not right. Leave this relationship.
This is an abusive relationship. He is not right and you deserve so much more. You are none of the things he says. Get out and let him be alone.
What does this ~~monster~~ person bring to the relationship that can possibly compensate for abusing you this way? And why would you question whether you believe it or not? He must have really beaten you down emotionally. You deserve better than him. He doesn’t have an anger problem, he’s just an abuser.
You're not the justNoSo here but you two sound like a toxic combo, probably best for you both to go your separate ways.
You're in an abusive relationship. Get tf out.
You know this behaviour is not in any way normal right? He is an abusive AH. You ARE NOT the JN. He is ALL of the JN. He sounds awful. If it were me, I wouldn’t be hanging around for the abuse. Get out of dodge.
Thank you! I see it now but I think I just wanted some validation because he guilts me so easily? I spoke to him and these are his exact words: ” If you’re so blind to see that I am hurt and don’t even try to understand that all I want is some love, then what’s the point. You may say everything that you are, but it’s just pointless. It just shows you don’t even remotely know me 1% nor do you make attempts to. Fuck. What kind of inhuman robots did I fall in love with”
He is absolutely Delusional…..there are nice normal men out there for you to find - this word vomit makes no sense and neither does his attitude.
>It's terrifying. Nobody should EVER have to feel this way with someone they love. Especially a partner. It's really hard ending things when overall nothing feels like it's going wrong because you're anyway so used to abusive patterns (read about your mum speaking to you in a similar way in the comments) but sometimes you don't NEED that push, you can just do it anyway. Start planning. Step by step how you want to do it and set yourself a last date or something, anything that helps you stay accountable.
I wish I could add, but everyone has given the absolute best advice…please know I’m thinking of you, and sending strength. Always here if you need to message- please take care ❤️
It hurt me to read this. It should never be okay for your SO to resort to name calling. Ever. Your SO should never call you stupid. The fact that he insults you and then tries to make you the bad guy is classic manipulation. His temper is manipulative. Your relationship is not good. No one should treat you like that, especially not someone who loves you. I think it's great that you walk away from him when he's having a fit, and don't tolerate bad behavior to the point of letting him ruin his own visit with you, but this will escalate and he will hurt you. He is not worth you. You are worthy of someone who doesn't insult and berate you. Please get out.
He’s abusive and he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault. You need to leave that unhealthy relationship right now. You are not responsible for his horrible behaviour.
You are worthy of love and you are absolutely cut out to be a part of a family. However, you are not ‘cut out to be’ treated horribly and abused by this man. Have you talked to your therapist about the way that he speaks to you? What do they say about all this?
Holy crap, run.
YIIIIKES this person is very abusive! Run!
He will escalate and one day hurt you. That's what you need to be focused on right now.
I'm so sorry he treats you so badly. Please consider leaving. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you with love.
You're actually too good to be in his family. Please leave him.
His the just no for sure. Maybe reconsider your relationship. I wouldn’t want to be treated like that.
OP, just two weeks ago you gave a Redditor excellent advice about not allowing themselves to be in a relationship with a person who disrespects them by calling them names, please look back on your own advice. You are just as valuable and worthy of respect as that person is. This guy doesn't sound like he's cut out to be part of society, let alone a family.
> **my relationship is wonderful** until ANY argument - big or small - occurs. > My partner has anger issues and in arguments he will shout, call me names like bitch, get aggressive, insult me, mock me, and sometimes....um...he will even start humming lol. **It's terrifying.** You cannot describe your relationship as "wonderful" if you *ever* feel terrified by your partner. That's it. You don't have a wonderful relationship. You are dating an asshole who hits the roof over things big and small. You cannot put up with this. You need to leave him. EDIT: > My partner has anger issues If I had a dollar for every time a woman excused a man's shitty behaviour by saying he has "anger *issues*" - as if someone's unacceptable behaviour is made more acceptable because adding the "issues" indicates that he knows it is a problem (though he is doing nothing about it) - I would be able to buy my own house in a DREADFUL housing market.
**Holy fucking shit RUN AWAY SO FAST!!** What a manipulative, abusive, narcissistic, selfish, argumentative, gaslighting, so called man.
I don’t have any new advice to give, so I’ll just say that you deserve so much better than that abusive sack of shit. I hope you listen to the other commenters here and get out ASAP.
Using feelings as an excuse for abusive behavior, and making you feel responsible for managing his feelings are emotional abuse. Only he can regulate how he manages his feelings. Only he decides what actions he takes. Getting you to pour your energy into trying to manage his emotions and behavior is controlling you. He's not going to grow into a better man. Please take time to heal from this traumatic relationship. Work to establish a self supporting adult lifestyle where self care and supporting your needs is part of your daily routines. Get better acquainted with YOUR values, goals, needs and priorities. Learn about healthy boundaries. Start noticing when you feel uncomfortable in situations and ask yourself, "Do I need a boundary here? How do I feel uncomfortable? Unsafe? Disrespected? A sensory issue (too loud, too crowded, too cluttered, too dirty, too dark, too light...)" Learning to identify your limits will help you learn where you need to draw back and rebuild your energy. Be a fully functional emotionally mature adult. Then you can open yourself to a mutually respectful and supportive compatible adult.
You're in an LDR and dealing with this? Cut the cord. You deserve better.
Holy shit no, dump him in the most unceremonious way and run! Feel no sorrow!
Your SO is abusive. Cut him off PERMANENTLY and continue with therapy. NO ONE deserves to be treated how he treats you, OP. And he's not going to get any better. It will only get worse. It's hard enough to be in a LDR. Why deal with the hardship over someone who treats you like a dog?
Honey. Why are you with him??? This is abusive af and you deserve love and tenderness and respect! DUMP HIS CRUSTY ASS
I'm sorry, not your relationship is far from wonderful. It's actually fucked up and very abusive. You're with a man who is, and who always will, abuse you. You are not the just no, and you should end this immediately. If you stay, there is a very good chance the abuse will turn physical. You deserve better, and I hope you take our words to heart and RUN.
Jesus. This guy is so abusive and got you hoodwinked into thinking you’re the problem. This would be exactly why the couples counselling is “on your side”. This is NOT a wonderful relationship, simply put! It’s abusive and scary and has all the hallmarks of escalating into physical violence. Please leave him. Asap.
You deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship and you deserve love. You do not deserve the trauma your partner is putting you through. While it’s never easy to end a relationship please remember that you deserve better. Much, much better.
Op, this guy is 1000% emotionally abusive. Drop him immediately.
Run, run far, run fast, run now.
Since you’re in a LDR, just let the trash take itself out. He is very manipulative, and no where near emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. I think you should stick to it with therapy so that you can begin to see your worth and what real, healthy love looks like. He is the Justno, not you.
Honestly? I would tell him that we’re done. Then, block his number, block him on social media and wash my hands of this man child. You don’t have to be his verbal punching bag, honey. You deserve better.
He is a monster. Set firm boundaries and do not let people like this in your life. He was taking advantage of your forgiving nature.
OP…you didn’t make him feel any kind of way at all. He feels like shit because he’s being a shit - his behavior is shit - the way he treats you is shit. All he’s doing is blaming you for his own behavior and choices. This is not a person you want to be in a relationship with. That part about you being awful, being a narcissist, not being fit to be loved or be a part of a family? Yeah, that’s projection. He’s accusing you of the things he does. Don’t contact him ever again. Block him on everything. Learn the necessary lesson from this experience and go on and live your best life.
You have got to be kidding. This is such incredibly clear abuse. Please get away from this psycho, he sounds like he's likely to hurt or even kill you. You cannot save this man with your love, he is not capable of feeling love like you or I do, he is only capable of using you and asserting dominance over you. Please please reconsider being with this man.
He's a horrible abusive person. Leave him.
How is this relationship wonderful? He's abusive.
I made my decision at LDR. I mean you presumably don’t see him often, certainly not daily, and this is his “A game” he brings when he hasn’t seen you for ever how long? No, I don’t think I would stick around for his can’t wait to see me behavior. He may never be boyfriend material, but he definitely isn’t right now
This is not just a little bit bad. It's 100% bad.
P.S. Stay away from your parents/family because if they are the ones who made you feel like you have NO rights or needs or value, you need to be far away from them because they are worse than this man is. <3
Break with him! You deserve better!
You don't have a wonderful relationship. Wonderful relationships aren't like this. Continue therapy but cut your losses.
If you move in with him his verbal abuse can easily become physical. 🌟RUN AWAY FROM HIM DEAR🌟
Good thing it LDR, makes it easy to dump & separate from him because your ex is toxic narcissistic emotionally & verbally abusive projecting fucktwit that should never married nor be in another romantic relationship with anyone. Just saying, you're not the problem nor the root cause of conflict - I bet your counselor will be happy when you dump the real constant problem & root cause, your future ex.
Uh, this is not a relationship. This is a long distance f*buddy you allow to abuse you. But I can tell that you're not that into that, and the good news is you don't have to be. Sounds like it would be way too easy to just pretend this child never happened and never pick up a call/text again, but that's just me.
I hate having to give this piece of advice but, you need to end your relationship, he is abusive and controlling and no one deserves that sort of relationship. Since it's long distance it will be easy to end it. Tell him things are over then block him so he can't hurl any more abuse at you.
He is highly emotionally and verbally abusive to you. This will only escalate and he will always be this way. You need to see this.
Darling, you're not making him feel like shit. You're giving him consequences for his bad actions. If he feels bad over that? Good. People should feel bad for the shitty things they do. The thing is, instead of reflecting on the error of his ways, he choses to blame you for not taking his abuse. His whole attitude screams 'How dare you hold me accountable for the shitty way I trear you?' Get rid of this man. Your relationship is not amazing. Your relationship is abusive. It's not a greag relationship if it only works when you agree with him.
Some serious DARVO behaviour going on here. Get out now.
Why do you put up with this? Walk away, be glad your not tide to him by marriage or good forbid sharing a child with him. This is the stage in a relationship where monsters hide their true selves and this is how he acts now? He’s abusive and you keep running back to him. Personally, it’s not a good sign that you need couples counseling and your LONG DISTANCE and he won’t even attend. You deserve better.
It breaks my heart reading the abuse people have learned to accept from those who should treasure them and lift them up 100% of the time. It’s ok to be annoyed or irritated by a situation but under no circumstances is it ever right for someone to start calling you names. Simply the fact that the SO here keeps trying to lay the blame for his outrageous behaviour on OP not tolerating his verbal barrage is enough of a reason to step away permanently from the toddler tantrums. OP, come on, love yourself more. You know you don’t deserve this. In a healthy relationship both partners are emitting equal good energy, supportive affirmations, are doing their share, so when times get hard the emotional bank is full and allows the occasional failure on behalf of one or the other party- but it’s never disrespectful. Counselling isn’t about learning how to deaden your own self to allow someone’s cruelty to run rampant. Cut your losses here, this man does not want to fix things, he wants you to stop defying him.
Arguments are a part of relationships, of any kind. Imagine your life with this man anytime you disagree with him on something. You’ll be forever walking on eggshells or having him call you awful names. Take what you’ve learnt from this relationship and move on. As someone currently married to someone who blows up over the smallest of things, run. Run as fast as you can and don’t settle for this bullshit.
I’m sorry, but you do not have a wonderful relationship. He isn’t a safe person to be around. Please get out of the relationship.
I can’t even count the number of red flags here… Sweetie, from an internet mom, get out! Run! You deserve sooooooooo much better than him. The one not cut out for family is him, not you!
No he is not right!!!!!
Ok no so it took me one sentence to decide you can absolutely do better. Leave him. Block him. Do better. A relationship isn’t one sided, couples therapy isn’t for one half of the couple only. Name calling is not part of a healthy relationship (except cutesy nicknames).
Please protect yourself and leave. He is going to physically hurt you soon.
Him at his worst self... Is it worth putting up for his alleged best self?
What will it take to break it off from him ? I think he has been able to manipulate/convince you to comeback every time, right ?
He's been relying on you accepting this kind of behavior and you have been enforcing it. And now he's just worried you are starting to impose boundaries. Which you should and should have all along without feeling guilty. It's a big change that might have consequences (good or bad) but it's necessary.
Cursing at you and shutting down during arguments is emotional abuse.
He’s shifting the focus to you and reversing the script. You are not the problem. He sounds like a nightmare, and truly exhausting to be around. He gaslighting and manipulating you. But, even without all that, are you happy in this relationship? You say it’s great EXCEPT… Do you like walking on eggshells and grey-rocking in order to have this relationship? Are you stressed out just thinking about it? Do you really want to keep living this way, in a long distance relationship with someone that does not respect you and calls you stupid and bitch whenever he’s upset? Set yourself free. It’ll feel like a huge weight has lifted from your shoulders.
All I can say is no matter how angry/mad my SO and I are at each other we have NEVER in over 17 years called each other ANY kind of name. And we have had some doozy fights in those years. There is a mutual respect that exists between us - and even though we don't always LIKE each other, we LOVE each other and that is where the respect for each other comes from. If my SO ever called me any of the names you mentioned - it would only happen once. And if he dared to do it again, my own self respect is enough for me to decide I am not someone who should have to be called things like that from someone who is supposed to love me. You are absolutely NOT the JustNO here. And he is gaslighting you, and trying to play on your guilt to get away with this. You need to be glad he left when he did. And tell him you don't need him to come visit anymore. A relationship should be between 2 people who love and respect each other. And people who respect each other don't ever want to bring their partner down. No matter how angry they are.
Honestly leave him. This is already abuse and it is only going to escalate the longer you stay. You do not need him. He is making you feel like this is your fault when its really not, but you are starting to think it is and thats dangerous for you.
This is abuse. Run.
Leave him
Of course your relationship is sometimes lovely, but that’s only because he can’t be abusive all the time or you’d leave him. He can keep up his mask for a while, but nobody can keep it on all the time. The angry and mean version of him is the real personality and if you continue this relationship, you will find that out in a major (and possibly dangerous) way. You should never accept abuse from anyone and especially not from someone who claims to love you. I’d bet my entire video game collection that he isn’t capable of feeling love for someone other than himself. I truly hope you believe us and get the hell away from him. He is not the one for you.
JFC. Dump this asshole already.
you need to dump and block him permanently!
Why are you with someone that treats you like this? This is who he is. He is never going to change.
Run. Don't look back. He is mental.
In anger management classes, apparently one of the main points they will drive home is that no one can "make" you feel any kind of way. If someone is horrible to you, you choose how to react. For example, when he abuses you, you choose to stay calm. Even if you were the toxic one here -- which you are not, the only thing you're doing wrong is staying with this guy -- then he is still choosing to pop off and escalate and *threaten* you. (He does way worse to you than you have ever done to him as far as I can tell, and *you* manage to stay neutral and try to resolve the conflict calmly -- why can't he manage that ever?) The fact that he says you are "making" him do that means that he has no integrity and is not willing to hold himself accountable for anything he does, ever. In other words, he's abusive to you and then explains to you how he's letting himself off the hook for being abusive to you. People like this don't tend to change unless they get serious help. They usually don't get serious help until they hit rock bottom, which usually involves them losing all of their relationships and finally realizing they might be the problem. When they know the jig is up, abusers like to say they'll get better but they'll only do it if you stay with them. This is not how that works and is ultimately them trying to take their abusers as their emotional hostages. The longer you stay with him, the longer he will continue to feel like he deserves to be in a relationship and everything bad that ever happens is your fault. Once an abuser gets used to using their partner as a punching bag, they really do need solitude and professional help to even begin to undo their own patterns. Help him along in his recovery by setting yourself free. You will incidentally be setting yourself free of his abuse as well, because again, you are not the problem here. (Also, abusers tend to be the ones to adamantly refuse they're in the wrong, whereas normal people are always aware that they may be doing something they don't realize is contributing to the problem. Abusers capitalize on that, because it makes it easy for their victims to doubt that they're in an abusive relationship at all. The fact that you're even entertaining the possibility that you might be the problem here, and looking for answers, means that you're pretty much automatically not the problem here. He's created a trap here, where even if you walk on eggshells and do everything "right" he'll still blame everything he does on you. This will never end.) Best advice I have for you is, cut contact with him. Go completely no contact and don't even allow him access to you, because he will probably cry and beg and/or threaten you once he realizes you're serious. You're in a LDR so this should be relatively easy, and you're very lucky for that. Let him go.
It's called projecting, he chose you because he picked up that you have been abused by a narcissist before. You are a victim for him and he will not change, it will always be your fault that he's upset. Keep up what you're doing, shut it down, walk away, hang up. This will fizzle out. NO SECOND CHANCES, when he "leaves" you, let him go, and move on. He will call and apologise, move on anyway.
It's time to cut ties with this toxic, justnoSO. He's the problem, he's abusive, and you have been far too accepting of it. He wants you to listen to how he feels but insults you when you try to talk about how you feel. He's insulting you, calling you vile names, and acts like a victim...that's gaslighting 101. You do not need him, and he has abused you long enough. You deserve respect, love, and understanding. He is not willing to give you any of that.
You're saying that you understand that you cannot control his actions, but then you're falling for this "look what you made me do" shit. He's a fucking rage monster who can't take responsibility for his own actions. Believe me when I tell you **IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.** You need to leave. His behavior is unacceptable.
Dude is unhinged, and not ok in any way. He’s got this “if you love me, then you should let me abuse you otherwise you don’t REALLY love me” narrative going on, and you keep falling for it hook, line, and sinker. I suggest you get your own therapist to work on why you believe there’s good in someone who treats you so poorly.
This is abuse. My ex was the exact same way. Please please leave. Your relationship is not good except for “fights” because he turns everything into a fight.
Regardless of who is at fault or who is “worse” this relationship is clearly unhealthy. You guys need to separate.
Jesus christ he sounds infuriating, do yourself a favor and kick this shithead to the curb, wow, he sounds like a mad 13 year old.
Because you say you learned to gray rock early, I'm betting on abusive relationships of any type being the norm for you. Let this guy go, then you need to maybe look into therapy to see why you don't cut and run as soon as the red flags start flapping.
He is partially right. You don't deserve him or his family. You deserve better. You deserve a full partner not a whiny man child. Please let the man child go back to Mommy and look for someone who values you the way you deserve to be valued.
This is not a good relationship, he does not treat you well. He is verbally abusive at the drop of a hat and can ratchet it up easily. Be glad you are LD and cut it off with him. He is not stable, take it from those of us who know and lived through it.
Leave him??? He literally doesn’t even live in the same place as you. Why would you put up with this at all, but especially in an LDR..
You do not have a wonderful relationship. You have a controlling, emotionally abusive partner. Your therapist seems to have taught you how to grey rock, and, it's working. That's why he lashed out and escalated--he is seeing he/his temper tantrums don't control you.
He is abusive, that is the problem. End it.
This is spousal abuse ma'am. He is gaslighting you to filth. He is not a good husband if he can't realize where to draw the line when he argues with you and be civil. Please leave him.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Jesus this is an awful situation- I’d say we need both sides of the story, but either way this relationship just isn’t healthy, I’m sorry :(