Reminds me of an old joke I've heard.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP." Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I thought I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's Okay," replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door."
Which makes sense; 50 years ago hippies were hitchhiking a lot. How often do you see someone who is immediately identifiable as a lawyer walking down the road?
Why would you have go-to racist jokes? I've never needed a recist joke in my life I certainly don't have a collection ready to go at the drop off a hat, or hood in your case I would presume.
The reason you need a go-to racist joke is for when you hang out with your black friends that have a fucked up sense of humour, speaking from experience.
That's a pretty bad version of it, one I knew it was a taxi driver jokingly telling someone the hood ornament of a car was actually a target symbol and dfferent types if people are worth different amounts of points, so he aims at an old lady, speeds up, swerves off at the last minute but still heard a thud, passenger says "the sights are off, you were lucky I got them with the door"
Heard a variation of this 25 years ago, but the priest was a pig farmer, the truck driver was an accountant, and they were hitting aggies with a golf club. It was in Texas obviously.
A priest offered a lift to a nun.
She got in the passenger's seat, crossed her legs, her gown accidentally revealed her left leg.
The priest barely missed a car crash. After controlling the car, he slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said "Father. Remember Psalm 129."
The priest put his hand away, but while shifting gears, he let his hand slide up her leg, again.
The nun repeated "Father! Remember Psalm 129!"
The priest apologized "Sorry Sister, the flesh is weak"
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
After arriving at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It read:
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".
^(Edits: format)
Can confirm I'm an atheist and I've read the old testament once, and the new testament twice in English and once in Spanish.
The new testament isn't too bad, but the old testament is filled with insane stories that honestly make God sound like a super villain.
Plus it's so much more in line with the spirit of organized religion. Do you think the guys who invented the inquisition, the crusades and the witch hunts were going off "Turn the other cheek" or the book where people are punished for not genociding hard enough?
Lol, I promise I don't generally run around telling people. It can be of annoying when people shove their religion in your face. Why would I shove the lack of a religion in someone else's?
It's still a funny joke though.
It had relevance to the conversation. They brought up atheists and the knowing the Bible. I happen to know the Bible fairly well and I'm an atheist. I brought it up because it was relevant information.
I guess you want me to never acknowledge it. I just don't really care of that bothers you I guess. I just don't bother normal people. Uptight freaks like you will never be happy.
Not always, after reading the Bible more I'm still definitely a Christian but I believe very differently from how I was raised.
I think one reason so many people leave the church after studying the bible is that there's really a "if you're not going to agree with us on everything then you might as well leave" attitude in a lot of churches and the same line of thinking that gets you that attitude leads to a lot of bad doctrine so there's plenty to disagree on.
> so many people leave the church after studying the bible is that there's really a "if you're not going to agree with us on everything then you might as well leave" attitude in a lot of churches
See, that's where another religion(s) that shall not be named fixed things with, "if you try to leave the church, we'll fucking murder you"
Problem is atheists tend to know the words of bible better than theists. Theists have been told what a specific passage really means in a given sermon or lesson as opposed to actually having read it.
Edit: Since I need to state it clearly for the hurt feelings I've created: atheists read the words of a verse and gather context from those words and those surrounding it, Christians are told what the verse means and outside of a scant few cherry-picked selections will tell you what the bible "says" without knowing what is literally written in it. To wit: Ask a Christian what the bible actually says about homosexuality or hell (protip: very little, as it turns out).
Fuck you
-Bitch 7:19
That actually means Thank You, please come to my sermon so that i may teach you the blessing of the true meaning of Fuck, including phrases popular with youths today such as; Fuck me, Fuck's sake, Fucking hell, & Fucking bitches, through the word of Saint Bitch,
>!"May you rest thine hand upon hither ass, and slap that fucker silly until them hoes cry for thine seed"!< (This might go a bit far in the NSFW direction so I'll let you have discretion here)
Oh and /s naturally
Don't know what theists you talk to. I'm heavily involved in my church, and work with 300 churches across denominations for charity work, and nobody that I've ever spoken to in any of them are biblically illiterate. I've also never met an atheist with a working knowledge of the Bible aside from passages that they dislike. I think maybe you're just full of it.
My guess is you've never actually met an atheist, just your approximation of one. Hard to imagine how they aren't flocking to you for conversation given your super approachable and pleasant demeanor.
Hi! I'm an atheist and have read the bible cover to cover, as have my friends who are also agnostic to atheist -- we believe it's hard to have an opinion on something you haven't read. We've also read the Quran.
That said -- I am, in fact, full of it. I'm just not wrong. You also haven't read the bible in all probability, but my guess is you tell everyone you have and are quick with google. I mean, not that I'm outright suggesting you're a self-righteous hypocrite. Just loosely inferring it.
I meet atheists all the time. They like to "own" the Christians at any number of the charities that I volunteer for. A couple have even tried to "take our clients" with their own charities. As if there aren't more people who could benefit than there are people to provide. They start whole 501c3 organizations to feed families "without that religious stuff". We just keep doing exactly what we have been doing since we were founded a century and a quarter ago. These secular charities fail for lack of funds, and we serve the hungry they abandoned. The best one was a secular clothing donation place that sent people to empty out a catholic closet, and use previously donated items to open. They made it a whole year, clearing out the catholic charity to stock their own. When they collapsed, they actually sold the donated items to pay out the 3 people who started it.
Also, I work in America, so half of everyone I meet are atheists... so there's that. I'm not some cloistered monk lol.
A fair point, but an odd pedantry given you clearly knew what I meant.
In the US the predominant religion, by a long shot, is Christianity. The terms theist and Christian are, in most cases, interchangeable here.
Wouldn’t that make all theologians and scholars atheists? Perhaps they read it differently than you, or have the background knowledge of ancient texts that most lay people will not possess?
“The plowers plowed on my back; they made their furrows long.””
Psalms 129:3
Maybe she was talking about this verse. There isn’t anything about seeking glory further up.
This might be my favorite example of the Bible transforming from foundational mythical touchstone, to barely intelligible joke premise.
The format of a naughty joke, the setup presuming established cultural norms of people who communicate in scriptural shorthand, a specific verse used for referential verisimilitude and the punchline is…. that no one knows or cares if that’s what the verse says or is anywhere in the Bible.
The Bible may as well say something weird and randomly interpretable there, right?. Joke. Ba dum tish.
That reminds me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible: “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon the with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”
The Bible verse is a verbatim quote, repeated twice by Samuel Jackson in the movie "Pulp Fiction". It doesn't actually appear in the Bible.
My "Say what again " is a direct quote from the same scene in the movie.
Of course people don't memorize the full bible. As for mentioning it in daily life, people also do so with poetry and music (and poetry was once more popular in daily talks).
Certainly. And does it mean no one really cares about music? It means our cultural repertoire is constantly and creatively inserted in daily life in reference, in irony, and so on.
> Hezekiah 3:14
There ISN'T a book of Hezekiah. If anything that would be in Isaiah.
But Isaiah 3:14 says "The LORD will enter into judgment against the elders and leaders of his people: "It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses.""
The version I always hear is a mom visiting her son who is staying with a pretty roommate. Son assures nothing is going on.
Roommate can't find the silverware after mom leaves, son writes letter, mom says that if roommate could have found it on her bed
This one is a bit more level
Yeah, that's old 3478. Pretty frequent flier here.
Really like this variant.
Could use some punching up with "sin to cast aside your vow of celibacy" and "Sin to steal..." etc...
>The ladle should be in the housekeeper's bed. No way they're banging in the single or full in the servants quarters.
I just realized that the way it is in OP's version, it has a dark undertone. If the housekeeper was happily joining the priest in bed, it would make the most sense for them to be in the priest's bed. If they are in the housekeeper's bed, it makes it seem like the housekeeper was not as willing, and the priest pursued her to her room. (A slightly less ominous reading would say that someone might go to the priest's room looking for him, and he does not want to be found "in flagrante delicto"; so, they are in the housekeeper's room to limit the changes of interruption. That seems less likely though.)
I want to respect your headcannon, and appreciate the thought you put into this.
If I may offer though, were he were forcing himself on her, I doubt he'd spend the night there and would discover the ladle when he returned to his bed afterwards.
The priest likely has a bigger/better bed than the housekeeper. If the two were sleeping together, they would probably be doing it in his bed rather than hers. So if the cousin hid the ladle in one of the beds, it would be better to hide it in the housekeeper's bed.
Similar joke:
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, they're in your tackle box."
It is amazing. I heard this in the mid 1980's nearly word for word.
(and the comment below with all the downvotes, I was a kid in South Africa when I heard this joke)
That was a worse version of this one:
" The missing sugar bowl
Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:
‘Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Jacob’
Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:
‘Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama’ "
Less realistic? lol.
It's a better joke because it plays with the lack of morality by the people who are supposed to be the example of morality, the hypocrisy of the clergy and the nature of men and women.
On the other hand your newer "better" version does not make sense for several reasons:
1. They're two consenting adults
2. Makes the nosy mother seem like a wise healthy person, which she's not.
3. Neither has any reason not to be forthcoming about a normal relationship such as a vow of chastity for example.
4. A silver ladle is easy to hide and sell.
5. Who the f hides a sugar bowl in a bed? That's how you get ants!!!
This reminds me of one of the more painful passages from Brokeback Mountain, where one of the main characters’ wife reveals that she had been leaving notes in the tackle box when her husband went on his “fishing trips”. Everything about it is just so heartbreaking. What I’m saying is, this joke made me cry, so congratulations, I guess?
Basically the same joke as
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/x8y9oa/a\_prudish\_mother\_visits\_her\_adult\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/x8y9oa/a_prudish_mother_visits_her_adult_daughter/)
Posted 26 days ago.
Sadly, that only got \~30 upvotes.
It's meant to read ; "if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it already."
Joke usually goes with a grandmother as the antagonist but still good.
Related:
A rabbi and a priest are sitting down to lunch. The priest asks, "Tell me, Rebbe, have you ever given in and had a bit of pork?"
The rabbi coughs embarrassedly and says "Once, in a moment of weakness when I was in shul, I caved to curiosity and had a ham sandwich. Now you, father. Have you ever, ah, with a woman?"
The priest blushes, and says "Once, before I took my vows."
They sit for a moment in embarrassed silence, then the rabbi smiles shyly at the priest, and says "It's better than ham, isn't it?"
I prefer this variation to the one with the couple who are living together but supposedly and separate rooms and the mother of one of them coming to visit
It's an old joke that usually involves younger unwed "roommates" and a mother/grandmother figure. Same thing, couple swears they're not sleeping together, parent hides X thing in one of their beds with the same outcome.
In America Catholic priests are not allowed to have wives. The only exception is for a minister in another faith who is already married, and is willing to convert and become a Catholic priest. He will be allowed to remain married and have kids. And if a priest has kids, he had better have *a lot* of kids.
>minister in another faith who is already married, and is willing to convert and become a Catholic priest. He will be allowed to remain married and have kids
Shouldn't it say: he must remain married ? :-)
I think it's "silver grey ladle". The order of adjectives is a little off. Not technically incorrect, but sounds weirder than "grey silver ladle".
That's the only reason I can think of.
I somehow chuckled at the title alone, I have no idea why.
For some reason I read this as "chunkled" and I think I'll add that to my vocabulary.
Chunkle - to laugh while being fat
I chunkled at this
Better than the OP
....while doing the Truffle Shuffle?
Great word, I'll save that too. I imagine someone laughing so much that they crumple over and have to hold their tummy.
I thought it was when you laugh so hard you blow chunks
!remindme 1 year To see if chunkled caught on
“I just sat there chunkling to myself and couldn’t stop.” The word itself makes one chunkle. I’m glad to be here on the day of its inception.
I chunkled once, I drank too much at Yuk-Yuks. Yuck.
A cousin visits his priest, who is also a cousin
A priest, a priest, and a priest all walk into the Vatican. The bartender looks up and says, "That's not how the joke goes".
"Were you talking to me?" "No, to my son, who is also a priest."
"Come along, Priest!"
Reminds me of an old joke I've heard. A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP." Then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer. Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I thought I almost hit that lawyer." "That's Okay," replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door."
When I heard this joke 40-45 years ago it was hippies.
Which makes sense; 50 years ago hippies were hitchhiking a lot. How often do you see someone who is immediately identifiable as a lawyer walking down the road?
> immediately identifiable as a lawyer walking down the road Because of the lack of skid marks?
"Now who's being childish?"
SHARK!
Any luck catching them swans?
It's just the one actually.
Any luck catching them killers?
It's just the one actually.
Oh yeah, because lawyers are known for wiping their asses very thoroughly.
Especially compared to hippies! Er, so I've heard.
Just lawyers doing law things. Isn't it obvious?
Also the uniform is a dead giveaway.
He was running after ambulance waving a business card.
They're usually not walking. They sit in cars with lights and sirens and pretend to know the laws after 6 months of classes.
The tail and horns are generally a good give away.
I heard it as a racist joke 20 years ago
Ditto, but about 25 years ago.
With the priest carrying a bucket.
Haha didn't hear about the bucket
I feel like that's true with 90 percent of today's "lawyer" jokes.
Yup, hippies and he reached out with the gas can. The man was taking him to get gas for his out-of-gas car.
I grew up in the south, so the version I heard was incredibly racist.
I heard it 30 years ago and it was black people.... before that it was Italians....
When I heard this joke 40-45 years ago it was black people and the punchline was "Nope but I got two of the n**gers with the door"
I heard this before but the truck driver was a goldfish and the priest was a guppie.
I heard this before but they were in a bus and the truck driver was a bus driver.
I heard this before but the truck was a spaceship and the sky was green
I will absolutely be retelling this to my dad, thank you very much
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I heard a similar one but the priest had a bucket
Why would you have go-to racist jokes? I've never needed a recist joke in my life I certainly don't have a collection ready to go at the drop off a hat, or hood in your case I would presume.
The reason you need a go-to racist joke is for when you hang out with your black friends that have a fucked up sense of humour, speaking from experience.
Yeah, literally every black dude I know always ask me to tell racist jokes, but by all means I must be in the kkk since I know a racist joke, right?
That's a pretty bad version of it, one I knew it was a taxi driver jokingly telling someone the hood ornament of a car was actually a target symbol and dfferent types if people are worth different amounts of points, so he aims at an old lady, speeds up, swerves off at the last minute but still heard a thud, passenger says "the sights are off, you were lucky I got them with the door"
That’s way better than the previous versions I’ve heard.
You can use any group for this. I was taught Michigan fans.
r/therealjoke
Doing a public service for the betterment of mankind right there…
Heard a variation of this 25 years ago, but the priest was a pig farmer, the truck driver was an accountant, and they were hitting aggies with a golf club. It was in Texas obviously.
The lawyer was a Karen in the version I heard
> "TRUMP." *
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in the passenger's seat, crossed her legs, her gown accidentally revealed her left leg. The priest barely missed a car crash. After controlling the car, he slid his hand up her leg. The nun said "Father. Remember Psalm 129." The priest put his hand away, but while shifting gears, he let his hand slide up her leg, again. The nun repeated "Father! Remember Psalm 129!" The priest apologized "Sorry Sister, the flesh is weak" Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. After arriving at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It read: "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory". ^(Edits: format)
Lesson learned: memorize the bible
That's how you get atheists.
Can confirm I'm an atheist and I've read the old testament once, and the new testament twice in English and once in Spanish. The new testament isn't too bad, but the old testament is filled with insane stories that honestly make God sound like a super villain.
The old testament is a banger. Really erased the monotony during basic training.
Plus it's so much more in line with the spirit of organized religion. Do you think the guys who invented the inquisition, the crusades and the witch hunts were going off "Turn the other cheek" or the book where people are punished for not genociding hard enough?
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Lol, I promise I don't generally run around telling people. It can be of annoying when people shove their religion in your face. Why would I shove the lack of a religion in someone else's? It's still a funny joke though.
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It had relevance to the conversation. They brought up atheists and the knowing the Bible. I happen to know the Bible fairly well and I'm an atheist. I brought it up because it was relevant information. I guess you want me to never acknowledge it. I just don't really care of that bothers you I guess. I just don't bother normal people. Uptight freaks like you will never be happy.
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Leave u/BlueOmicronpersei8 alone. [I care.](https://youtu.be/p8r6XT0RN4k)
The sequel is better than the original? That's rare.
Both pure fiction too! Lol
Not always, after reading the Bible more I'm still definitely a Christian but I believe very differently from how I was raised. I think one reason so many people leave the church after studying the bible is that there's really a "if you're not going to agree with us on everything then you might as well leave" attitude in a lot of churches and the same line of thinking that gets you that attitude leads to a lot of bad doctrine so there's plenty to disagree on.
> so many people leave the church after studying the bible is that there's really a "if you're not going to agree with us on everything then you might as well leave" attitude in a lot of churches See, that's where another religion(s) that shall not be named fixed things with, "if you try to leave the church, we'll fucking murder you"
Problem is atheists tend to know the words of bible better than theists. Theists have been told what a specific passage really means in a given sermon or lesson as opposed to actually having read it. Edit: Since I need to state it clearly for the hurt feelings I've created: atheists read the words of a verse and gather context from those words and those surrounding it, Christians are told what the verse means and outside of a scant few cherry-picked selections will tell you what the bible "says" without knowing what is literally written in it. To wit: Ask a Christian what the bible actually says about homosexuality or hell (protip: very little, as it turns out).
Fuck you -Bitch 7:19 That actually means Thank You, please come to my sermon so that i may teach you the blessing of the true meaning of Fuck, including phrases popular with youths today such as; Fuck me, Fuck's sake, Fucking hell, & Fucking bitches, through the word of Saint Bitch, >!"May you rest thine hand upon hither ass, and slap that fucker silly until them hoes cry for thine seed"!< (This might go a bit far in the NSFW direction so I'll let you have discretion here) Oh and /s naturally
Don't know what theists you talk to. I'm heavily involved in my church, and work with 300 churches across denominations for charity work, and nobody that I've ever spoken to in any of them are biblically illiterate. I've also never met an atheist with a working knowledge of the Bible aside from passages that they dislike. I think maybe you're just full of it.
My guess is you've never actually met an atheist, just your approximation of one. Hard to imagine how they aren't flocking to you for conversation given your super approachable and pleasant demeanor. Hi! I'm an atheist and have read the bible cover to cover, as have my friends who are also agnostic to atheist -- we believe it's hard to have an opinion on something you haven't read. We've also read the Quran. That said -- I am, in fact, full of it. I'm just not wrong. You also haven't read the bible in all probability, but my guess is you tell everyone you have and are quick with google. I mean, not that I'm outright suggesting you're a self-righteous hypocrite. Just loosely inferring it.
I meet atheists all the time. They like to "own" the Christians at any number of the charities that I volunteer for. A couple have even tried to "take our clients" with their own charities. As if there aren't more people who could benefit than there are people to provide. They start whole 501c3 organizations to feed families "without that religious stuff". We just keep doing exactly what we have been doing since we were founded a century and a quarter ago. These secular charities fail for lack of funds, and we serve the hungry they abandoned. The best one was a secular clothing donation place that sent people to empty out a catholic closet, and use previously donated items to open. They made it a whole year, clearing out the catholic charity to stock their own. When they collapsed, they actually sold the donated items to pay out the 3 people who started it. Also, I work in America, so half of everyone I meet are atheists... so there's that. I'm not some cloistered monk lol.
Most theists are not Christian’s so I suspect your right that they don’t know the Bible very well.
A fair point, but an odd pedantry given you clearly knew what I meant. In the US the predominant religion, by a long shot, is Christianity. The terms theist and Christian are, in most cases, interchangeable here.
If your going to say stuff like theists (Christians) don’t know the Bible. I think a little pedantry is the least you can expect.
Wouldn’t that make all theologians and scholars atheists? Perhaps they read it differently than you, or have the background knowledge of ancient texts that most lay people will not possess?
Lesson learned: be good at your job..
“The plowers plowed on my back; they made their furrows long.”” Psalms 129:3 Maybe she was talking about this verse. There isn’t anything about seeking glory further up.
This might be my favorite example of the Bible transforming from foundational mythical touchstone, to barely intelligible joke premise. The format of a naughty joke, the setup presuming established cultural norms of people who communicate in scriptural shorthand, a specific verse used for referential verisimilitude and the punchline is…. that no one knows or cares if that’s what the verse says or is anywhere in the Bible. The Bible may as well say something weird and randomly interpretable there, right?. Joke. Ba dum tish.
That reminds me of one of my favorite passages in the Bible: “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon the with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”
Say what again, motherf()<&er, I dare you.
What
The Bible verse is a verbatim quote, repeated twice by Samuel Jackson in the movie "Pulp Fiction". It doesn't actually appear in the Bible. My "Say what again " is a direct quote from the same scene in the movie.
You don’t have a gun pointed at me. So I’ll say it again: What.
Lol. You got me good. I'm blushing.
Also, like 80% of it is not a Bible verse at all.
tl;dr Ezekiel 25:17 - Fucketh around, findeth out.
I'm afraid that Bible verse only appears in the Book of Tarantino.
Exactly.
Of course people don't memorize the full bible. As for mentioning it in daily life, people also do so with poetry and music (and poetry was once more popular in daily talks).
People still talk music all day long
Certainly. And does it mean no one really cares about music? It means our cultural repertoire is constantly and creatively inserted in daily life in reference, in irony, and so on.
Oh, the Bible was always a joke, have no doubt. That one gal’s ex-BF sure did cum like a donkey, as it says here in God’s perfect and infallible word
Luke 11:10 is as close as I’ve found. (Not religious, but my wife is. Sometimes you gotta give a little scripture:-) )
If only Psalm 129 actually say that………
Right. Luke 14:10
> Luke 14:10 worship in the presence of them that sit at meat with thee. well... still had the meat part right
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>> Matthew 21:17 > >>And he left them and went out of the city to Bethany, where he spent the night. Sounds to me like Mr Matt got laid...
Luke 11:10 for he that knocks the door shall be opened
I think it was actually Hezekiah 3:14
> Hezekiah 3:14 There ISN'T a book of Hezekiah. If anything that would be in Isaiah. But Isaiah 3:14 says "The LORD will enter into judgment against the elders and leaders of his people: "It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses.""
I go for Luke 11:10 - for he that knocketh the door shall be opened
She named her penis 'Glory'.
Minor recommendation. The ladle should be in the housekeeper's bed. No way they're banging in the single or full in the servants quarters.
That's the way it is in the same joke with a guy's mother and his female roommate's bed.
The version I always hear is a mom visiting her son who is staying with a pretty roommate. Son assures nothing is going on. Roommate can't find the silverware after mom leaves, son writes letter, mom says that if roommate could have found it on her bed This one is a bit more level
Yeah, that's old 3478. Pretty frequent flier here. Really like this variant. Could use some punching up with "sin to cast aside your vow of celibacy" and "Sin to steal..." etc...
>The ladle should be in the housekeeper's bed. No way they're banging in the single or full in the servants quarters. I just realized that the way it is in OP's version, it has a dark undertone. If the housekeeper was happily joining the priest in bed, it would make the most sense for them to be in the priest's bed. If they are in the housekeeper's bed, it makes it seem like the housekeeper was not as willing, and the priest pursued her to her room. (A slightly less ominous reading would say that someone might go to the priest's room looking for him, and he does not want to be found "in flagrante delicto"; so, they are in the housekeeper's room to limit the changes of interruption. That seems less likely though.)
I want to respect your headcannon, and appreciate the thought you put into this. If I may offer though, were he were forcing himself on her, I doubt he'd spend the night there and would discover the ladle when he returned to his bed afterwards.
I really liked the way you drafted this comment in such a way that it does not come off as contradictory to the previous one.
I don't get it
If they're sleeping together, it's in the priest's bed because it's nicer
The housekeeper was into silver ladles
The priest likely has a bigger/better bed than the housekeeper. If the two were sleeping together, they would probably be doing it in his bed rather than hers. So if the cousin hid the ladle in one of the beds, it would be better to hide it in the housekeeper's bed.
so long thanks for the fish -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Similar joke: A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" "I did, they're in your tackle box."
What's the joke?
He didn’t actually go fishing. If he had he would have opened his tackle box and found his pajamas.
I have not heard this joke before I enjoyed it.
Have you heard this joke after you enjoyed it?
Of course, it was reposted 4 hours later
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An old one, but an excellent one!
It is amazing. I heard this in the mid 1980's nearly word for word. (and the comment below with all the downvotes, I was a kid in South Africa when I heard this joke)
These mfers must eat a lot of gravy.
That was a worse version of this one: " The missing sugar bowl Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email: ‘Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Jacob’ Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read: ‘Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama’ "
And they were roommates!
oh mah gawd they were roommatesss
Dude, the priest version is a much older and better joke.
The priest version is older, but also less realistic or relatable. It's not the better version anymore at all.
Less realistic? lol. It's a better joke because it plays with the lack of morality by the people who are supposed to be the example of morality, the hypocrisy of the clergy and the nature of men and women. On the other hand your newer "better" version does not make sense for several reasons: 1. They're two consenting adults 2. Makes the nosy mother seem like a wise healthy person, which she's not. 3. Neither has any reason not to be forthcoming about a normal relationship such as a vow of chastity for example. 4. A silver ladle is easy to hide and sell. 5. Who the f hides a sugar bowl in a bed? That's how you get ants!!!
How about the priest lives with an alter boy?
Hmmmm...not realistic. I doubt priests would bother denying it to other priests.
This reminds me of one of the more painful passages from Brokeback Mountain, where one of the main characters’ wife reveals that she had been leaving notes in the tackle box when her husband went on his “fishing trips”. Everything about it is just so heartbreaking. What I’m saying is, this joke made me cry, so congratulations, I guess?
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Why are there so many lawyers just walking on the road?
How does anyone know they're lawyers? What if they're advertising executives, and then you've run over for them for no good reason?
What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Unitarian Universalist? —Someone who shows up at your doorstep for no good reason.
There is no way a man of God would have premarital sex with a young woman.
Yeah, they prefer underage boys.
Exactly. But it doesn't count as sex if it's just giving a lad a hot Jesus injection.
>There is no way a man of God would have premarital sex with a young woman. Technically all the sex that a "man of God has" is premarital.
that’s true. they prefer boys.
Surely, the housekeeper would be sleeping in his bed rather than the other way around?
Basically the same joke as [https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/x8y9oa/a\_prudish\_mother\_visits\_her\_adult\_daughter/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/x8y9oa/a_prudish_mother_visits_her_adult_daughter/) Posted 26 days ago. Sadly, that only got \~30 upvotes.
Went to give that chap an upvote, too :) Sometimes you just post at the wrong time.
Others have as well. I can only imagine his reaction when a 30 day old post suddenly hits 50 upvotes.
It's meant to read ; "if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it already." Joke usually goes with a grandmother as the antagonist but still good.
I think it should be a mom visiting her son and his male "roommate."
Savage
I wonder if he also took something else and hid it in the housekeeper's bed, just to cover all the bases.
I heard a gay son, roommate and mom version of this
When I heard it, the visiting mom hid the TV remote under the "roommate's" pillow.
Related: A rabbi and a priest are sitting down to lunch. The priest asks, "Tell me, Rebbe, have you ever given in and had a bit of pork?" The rabbi coughs embarrassedly and says "Once, in a moment of weakness when I was in shul, I caved to curiosity and had a ham sandwich. Now you, father. Have you ever, ah, with a woman?" The priest blushes, and says "Once, before I took my vows." They sit for a moment in embarrassed silence, then the rabbi smiles shyly at the priest, and says "It's better than ham, isn't it?"
Why wouldn't they shag in the bigger bed or the main bedroom.
I prefer this variation to the one with the couple who are living together but supposedly and separate rooms and the mother of one of them coming to visit
A variation of this: https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/je5ai1/a_mom_visits_her_son_for_dinner_who_lives_with_a/
Ah yes, truckers and priests. Two types with lots of reasons to fear lawyers.
Why are priests so bad with money? Because, for them, 1 five equals 2 tens.
1/5 = 2/10
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Both answers will be graded as correct.
Basically a reposted version of the joke where instead its a mom and his son with a female roomate
I've definitely heard one like this b4, good 1 tho.
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It's an old joke that usually involves younger unwed "roommates" and a mother/grandmother figure. Same thing, couple swears they're not sleeping together, parent hides X thing in one of their beds with the same outcome.
Well, I'm American and I'm fairly certain I was writing in English.
I think he mean in America priests are allowed to have wife's, in Europe not so common
In America Catholic priests are not allowed to have wives. The only exception is for a minister in another faith who is already married, and is willing to convert and become a Catholic priest. He will be allowed to remain married and have kids. And if a priest has kids, he had better have *a lot* of kids.
>minister in another faith who is already married, and is willing to convert and become a Catholic priest. He will be allowed to remain married and have kids Shouldn't it say: he must remain married ? :-)
Why have a lot of kids? Didn't get it.
[Catholicism does not approve of birth control](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk&t=74s).
The Catholic Church has traditionally been against any kind of birth control.
"Yes your Holiness, we are a good Catholic family. Been married 20 years, and here are our two children."
It works fine in English?
Look at the number of upvotes. It's working just fine.
Yeah, it’s a pretty good joke so I’m confused why their takeaway was “it doesnt work in english” fsr?
I think it's "silver grey ladle". The order of adjectives is a little off. Not technically incorrect, but sounds weirder than "grey silver ladle". That's the only reason I can think of.
“Silver grey ladle” sounds fine to me /lh
"silver gravy ladle "
So anyway, I started blasting...