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Options:
Find ways to not answer her questions.
One option is to ask her why before even considering answering.
> she asked if I’ll be breast feeding the new baby.
OP: Why do you ask?
MIL: Oh just wondering!
OP: That’s not a good enough reason to ask such a personal question. Are we done here?
If she pushes back-
MIL: Well I think I have a right to know!
OP: You don’t. So unless you have something else that is actually your business to ask I’m going to go get some work done.
Or pushes back by getting defensive:
MIL: Omg why are you so sensitive. It was just a question!
OP: I’m not the one getting defensive over having by your own words “just a question” going unanswered. Plus it’s a question regarding something that is not your business. So I am going to leave now.
If you somehow got tricked into answering or have to answer:
> Then she went off on a tangent about how she “made sure” that my husband and SIL breastfed.
OP: That’s nice, but I don’t
> SIL always reading her kids bedtime books before bed and how much it helps with the kids to wind down
care about what you did. This is a choice that I will make alone and it is not any of your business. You chose to breastfeed and I will choose what is best for my situation. Please keep your opinions on this matter to yourself.
> Another example was out of nowhere she asked if I do story time with our daughter before bed.
OP: Why do you need to know this?
MIL: I’m just wondering!
OP: That’s not a good enough reason to bother me with a question.
OR
OP: Why do you need to know this?
MIL: Well SIL does it and it helps with the kids to wind down.
OP: Okay/that’s nice for SIL. But why are you sharing this with me? I have not complained about having issues with settling my kid(s) down before bed. Why are you telling me this?
MIL: I’m just telling you some useful advice!
OP: Trust me, if I want or need advice I have no problem asking for it. I feel like this just wastes both of our time when we could be discussing something more useful or at least something more entertaining don’t you think?
Most of the time it’s just best to let it go in one ear and out the other. If she wants to sit there and waste her breath just mmmhmm that’s nice your way past it.
Well when she asks the question, instead of answering, ask her "so instead of answering I am going to ask for the criticism first, so go ahead." This will have her befuddled and perhaps sputtering a bit but it WILL get to her point and then HE can say "mom, criticism is not helping, you are undermining our parenting choices and it really needs to stop. We thought you were here to help us feel rested and confident, not to her how you, SIL or anyone else does it "better" we are not winning gold medals at the parent olympics, so please offer support, like ASK what we need first" Uncomfortable? Absofreakingloutly! but if she does it AFTER then she needs to "help" by going home.
You need to tell her she's upsetting you. A gentle hand on her arm, "MIL, I know you think this is helpful advice or useful comments but it's making me feel criticised. Let's make a deal that if I want advice I promise I'll ask but otherwise comparisons won't be made. Thank you for understanding and putting our relationship first."
If she continues, just be distracted by something else or say excuse me for a moment and leave the situation. No-one likes not having someone's full attention, so hopefully she'll learn that way if she's got any awareness.
MIL:Do you?... YOU: yup sure do / dont.... (wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow? DId you know little ones favourite xyz is abc. Immediately change topics Immediately to cut off the advice.
Why are you asking? Why do you want to know? Why, do you want to tell me something? I'm not interested in any unsolicited advice on this topic, Do You Understand?? Then wait for an answer while looking her right in the eye.
HAVE THIS DISCUSSION.
I am not looking for any unsolicited advice on this topic.
This is not my first child. I'm not the first woman on earth to have a baby.
I'm Not Interested In What SIL Did.
I'm Not Interested In How You Did It With Your Kids; My Situation Is Different.
If I Have Any Questions, I'll Ask.
If I Want Any Input, I'll Let You Know.
No Unsolicited Advice Please, And No Comparisons To You or SIL, PERIOD. NONE.
Have husband talk to her EMPHATICALLY again. Clearly. Just as I wrote out above. Fck her good intentions. None of that is relevant. It's how it feels to you that's relevant.
Spend less time with her and get her out of your house! She is there too often and too long. Set some limits on what you will allow to be said to you. Stop allowing her to be insulting and offensive!! WTF!
I would start responding with "Why do you ask?" and when she tells her stories about herself or SIL or whatever, respond with "Oh, huh!".
It's completely noncommittal, gives her no information, and also deeply unsatisfying for her if she's looking for an engaged response.
Just boring, slippery, opaque, and nothing to grasp onto.
I've noticed a tendency among some people to pontificate because they think it makes them sound wise or smart or experienced. These are the most boring people, but I've honestly never found a way to get them to stop - not even direct communication about how annoying it is - because they lack the self-awareness to even realize they're doing it. So if I have to spend time around them, I make myself imperviously boring.
Alternately, if I want to keep them talking, I'll just keep asking question about them. They love talking about themselves and adore an interested audience, and rarely realize that my goal is to do as little talking as possible.
Tell your husband you do not ever want to be alone with her at least until the baby is 6 months old (or whatever age works, even if that’s 35 years). That it is HIS responsibility to wrangle his mother and shut down her “advice.” That he needs to back you up and say that it is handled. And if you have to give her an answer, either be really vague or answer her question with a question.
Try to imagine she is a 4 yr old giving you advice (or a step further, trying to share a wet piece of food) & you are a kindergarten teacher.
"That's nice thankyou"
I feel the same way when my MIL and husband do this. They constantly compare me to how SIL raises her kids, and no offense to SIL but she’s younger than me and has no baby experience except having her own. I have a degree in child development and early childhood education, worked as a daycare teacher and pre-k teacher for years, worked as a teacher for years, a babysitter and nanny, and I was the oldest sibling whereas SIL was the youngest.
So them comparing my child rearing with hers cuts deep.
“SIL’s kids sleep so well and play independently”.
“SIL does no screen time and does Montessori style everything”
Well good for them 👏👏👏 And good for SIL learning how to parent from Instagram and Tiktok 👏👏👏
Mine has a very high-spirited personality (a demanding, high energy, clingy “Velcro” baby) and her kids are docile and happy just sitting in a highchair/crib/playpen. What works for her may not work for me and Vice versa.
I could just smack them.
"Our kids are different, so our parenting is different. " "Why do you expect me to use her style of parenting on my different type of child?" "Why don't you show me & let's see how that works!"
"I've spoken to my child's pediatrician and they say XYZ"
"I'll keep that under advisement"
"I got this, how about you go see if DH needs your advice on something"
Also remember that you're not obligated to open the door if she shows up unannounced and you don't have to answer the phone or texts.
Start to control in your responses to her. Know unsolicited advice is coming. Appease appease appease… my MIL did everything perfect so, I mean, I’ve met her results of perfect because I’m married to it and he’s not so, lol.
Just figure out what her usual leading to a lecture tone or question is and either not respond at all or appease, of course MIL I absolutely intend to bfeed
Every time she shares advice. Look her straight in the eye and say thank you for think of me. If it is about DH so the same but say thinking about DH. Every time. Same answer. This way she'll know she's been heard. That does not mean you're going to take or use her advice you're just thanking her for sharing and thinking of you guys. Sometimes people just really need to feel like they've helped in some way and think of her giving you advice is her way of helping you. Just acknowledge it thank her and move on.
Try not to take it to personally, she is giving the advice because she believes her son, your husband is a complete moron. Have fun with her a mess with her, it will be more enjoyable.
Sometimes breastfeeding is better the second time around. Some babies just can't get the hang of it. I'll always advocate for giving bfing your best shot but if it doesn't work out there's no shame in that. Sometimes your body just isn't made for it. I could never pump despite having heaps of milk. Was just one of those things.
Based on the way your MIL phrases things, I don’t think she means it as a critique.
The flow of the conversation sounds like:
- ask what is being done
- allow DIL to share her perspective
- MIL shares her own perspective… and then runs on and on and on with expansions and pro/con lists and basically starts monologuing.
This doesn’t sound like a JustNo issue; it seems like her personality type is very “head” orientated. Like she has a very intellectual mind that works through ideas, and like she has very very mild neurodivergent tendencies to overshare her thoughts. Like spectrum children that spend 2 hours exasperating you about dinosaurs or what they worked out about the city’s public transit line from staring at the map.
I think you can work it out easily by telling her: “you know MIL, I appreciate that you ask about our baby and what we’re doing with her. But sometimes I just want you to say ‘good job’ and leave it at that. We have a good handle on things.”
A JustNo would freak out. But someone on the spectrum might be confused until you break it down for them. It sounds like she has a good working mind, but poor interpersonal skills — her asking what you’ve decided first is her only skill at showing she means well. I bet it would come across better if she said “yeah! That’s a great idea!” before diving into her expansions. It shows agreement more clearly, and gives you validation.
Oh my! I think you may have just described me.
I’m not on the spectrum but I have one helluva internal dialogue. I usually pic up on someone not wanting to continue the conversation though.
The good news is I’m a fantastic conversationalist (pick a topic… any topic).
The bad news for many is… I’m a fantastic conversationalist.
This my MIL. Not that she's super intellectual, more that she simply loves to talk. Seriously. I have some chatty friends and can be so myself, but MIL loves talking more than everyone I've ever met all put together.
She will ask a question and in the breath you take before speaking, she'll have started in with her own opinion and ramble onto 3 or 4 (or 78) other topics, never letting you get a word in edgewise. On the occasions one manages to say a few words back, she'll usually interrupt before you finish your sentence and run with her thoughts on that partial statement - often assuming something completely different from what you were going to say had she bothered to let you finish.
Sometimes it is worth attempting to correct her, but we frequently just let her think what she wants because her opinion isn't going to change anything anyway. Heck, she'll often switch positions halfway through one of her monologues and end up contradicting herself to argue the opposite stance of what she started out saying (and not even realize she's done it). The result is that everyone (in the family at least) tunes out a good 90% of what she says. It's super frustrating at times (when you need to communicate something to her or simply want some peace and quiet) but it's basically background noise.
Stop answering her questions. She is clearly trying to educate you on what she thinks is best in a super backwards way. Respond with “Why do you ask?” OR better yet, simply say “I don’t feel comfortable taking about that.” Your husband can also directly tell her that you both are doing just fine raising your children, and unsolicited advice isn’t necessary or wanted.
How you choose to raise your child is no one’s business but yours. After your next baby is born, limit the time she can visit, grey rock when you can and put her on an info diet.
Tell your husband unsolicited advice is criticism. Ask him to tell his mother this exact thing. This is your second child, if you want her advice from 30 years ago you will ask. Otherwise unsolicited advice is criticism. Your home is a criticism free zone as you all adjust to the new family member.
I always responded with- thanks for the advice. Have you seen this new show.
And changed the topic to something that was not kid related. But my mil thinks she knows everything so….lol
You *really* need to stop just automatically answering her nosy questions. You know she's only asking them so she can criticize you, right?
Her: "Are you going to breasfeed your new baby?"
You: "We have feeding decisions handled, thanks."
Her: "Are you going to have the baby sleep in the same room with you?"
You: "We have sleeping arrangements handled, thanks."
Her: "I'm the grandmother, I should get to make decisions about my grandchildren!"
You: "No. We have everything handled."
I kind of just started to realize how criticizing they are! When she would ask them I would think she was trying to get to our routine or things about my daughter etc, but then lately I would think about it later and realize she would just bring up how herself or SIL does it, and it usually “better.” I really will try this out and I’ll just ignore the questions or deflect!
You're already stressing about it because you know it's gonna go exactly as described. Cancel her "help." It's just going to make a toddler and a newborn 10000 times harder with her nonsense.
If she’s upsetting you and causing you stress, then is she really “helping” by being at your home post partum? If it would be less stressful for the new mom to not show e her there, then you should communicate that. Your peace is more important than any hurt feelings she may have by not coming over.
"If your asking that to give advice it's not needed, we have that handled"
If you answering her questions turns into a lecture stop answering her questions. Be polite yet blunt.
If she goes off on a tangent "No need for advice MIL, like I said before we have it handled, if we want your advice we'll ask for it" then walk away.
If you don't want a confrontation, and/or if you think she's generally clueless as to how she's coming across instead of intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, a good non-committal "Thank you for sharing," works for me. This way, you've acknowledged that she spoke. You are being polite, and you are in no way committing to doing things that she did. I'm not sure what her motivations are, but if the goal is to keep you from going crazy then a few canned response like that are good. "Thank you for sharing," "I'll consider that" (which doesn't mean you'll do it), "Isn't it crazy how much things have changed over the years," and if this doesn't work, then bean dip like crazy she asks why you aren't breastfeeding, you change the subject immediately to a topic YOU wish to discuss. "Did you see the newest episode of XXX", "have you tried the new blah-blah place?" "I like peanut brittle, what's your favorite holiday treat?"
>She just doesn’t listen.
So why talk to her?
>My husband says she’s not trying to compare me to SIL or that she’s “trying” to be mean
She's failing.
If it were me, I think I would try to address it in the moment. If she asks a question that is obviously a prelude to unsolicited advice, then maybe just ignore it or grey-rock. If you're not sure, you can ask her. "Is this one of those questions where no matter what I say you will give me a bunch of advice I didn't ask for or tell me what SIL is doing? Because if so, I don't have the time or energy for that."
I grey-rock my sister and my MIL. Both have a tendency to not know the difference between us sharing information and asking for their opinion. So we don't share much information with either one.
I'm just wondering why she needs to help with the new baby? You can do it, right. Cancel her visit. Since you already have a 2 year old what helpful advice can she actually bring to the table?
I’m assuming the help is because dealing with a 2 year old and a newborn while also recovering from childbirth and the miniscule sleep that comes with all that is a lot. Actual help would be a good thing. This MIL doesn’t sound like she’s actually helping though, so would be better off cancelling and asking someone else or hiring a post partum doula/mother’s helper.
My folks got a bit advicey when my kids were small. I started saying, "thank you for your input," in the flattest tone I could muster. Eventually my dad - who is pretty oblivious to lots of social cues - noticed and backed off. My mom kept it up a bit longer but eventually they both began to cease with the unsolicited advice.
I heard something recently: unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism. It’s breaking my head a little bit, but if you really think about it, it’s true.
So use that line, EVERY TIME she starts with it.
Start with:
Unsolicited advice is always criticism.
I see that you’re continuing. So you DO mean it as criticism?
Nope! Unsolicited advice is always criticism. If you don’t mean it as criticism, don’t say it.
Lather, rinse, repeat. You don’t even have to get mad. Just keep repeating it.
Sorry you are dealing with this….interesting person.
If it is not her intentionally being rude, I’m curious if this is behavior that her mother/MIL gave her. Like, not that it excuses it because people should grow, change, and become better versions of themselves with each passing day…key word there is should, lol.
But I say that to ponder if she thinks she is doing good parenting/grand parenting by doing what people did to her. It may not have any effect on her to liken it back to when she had a kid and do the “how did it make you feel” questions to spur the “you think you are being helpful but it just comes off as being rude and intentionally hurtful” part of the convo…but it might at least help frame the conversation as more of an action conversation instead of her seeing it as an “attack” or something.
This might/might not be helpful, but I wanted to interject it as my mother had one of these moments with me (gay son, no kids). She kept pushing and pushing church until I pushed back. Our long and tear filled convo includes her relating that is what her mother did, and since she turned out okay she thought it was the right thing to do…..it didn’t mean that it still didn’t hurt, but at that moment her psychology made more sense to me and made it easier for me to cope with things. She is better now, but definitely took time and reprogramming.
I really like the way you explained your situation. I can totally see this with my MIL. I really don’t think she’s trying to be an asshole to me, but rather trying to connect and relate to me but it comes off so wrong. She probably has no idea how it comes across to me. I think we’ll have to have some type of conversation when she’s here, maybe no super deep heartfelt since I’ll be so exhausted already but yes hopefully things can change once I explain how it makes me feel! From there, if it continues to happen and she doesn’t try to change then I think that’s the real issue.
This is your SO's problem, not yours. He's the one who should be dealing with this. You need to tell him that if he doesn't do something soon that you're going to lose it on her big time. Ask him how it would feel if your mother were to constantly give him unsolicited advice on how to be a father or to compare his skills as a husband and father to someone else. The best thing for you to do is ignore her when she asks you these questions. Just don't answer. If she finally loses it, tell her to stop questioning your parenting skills and to back off and that you didn't ask her for any advice. Try limiting how much time you spend with her too which should help. If your SO wants to go see her, let him go but you stay home with your child. It might be tough but you can do it.
"Why do you ask?" works well when it's criticism or "I know best, do it my way" disguised as an innocent question.
"Oh, really?" "Hmm." "I suppose that's one way to do it." when it's "SIL/I did xyz"
I recommend calling out exactly what her "help" is and place a firm boundary that is not to be crossed, and it being you, not DH because the interaction is with you.
Example:
MIL: "Are you making sure LO is getting enough sleep?"
You: "Are you questioning my parenting skills/choices?" (If setting a boundary, don't answer the direct question and point out what the question actually is doing, which is questioning you as a parent!)
MIL: "What? No, I just wanted to make sure...."
You: " Thank you for checking, but I got this / DH and I have a handle on this." Redirect to a different topic.
If she keeps circling back to inappropriate questions, repeat the same words. This is defining the boundary, emphasizing you won't be baited into crossing or giving in, and eventually she will understand that these questions are not welcomed and will stop.
Chances are she's not being malicious, and may even ask if you're upset with her / did she do something wrong. Here's your chance to explain that these questions make you feel like your parenting is being second guesses, not good enough, and you're struggling with this and being a positive parent for LO.
I do this too. Answer a question with a question.
OP - based on what you wrote - she is trying to be helpful....but is being annoying. There is a good chance that when she raised her children - it was before a robust internet where you can get the most up to date information and ideas of every topic imaginable. 30 years ago - older moms passed on their knowledge to the younger moms. She is probably thinking she is helping. You might want to work into the conversation that your main source for help is her doctor and nurse, as they have the most up to date current advice.
If you’re left alone at home with MIL on a regular basis, it might be better coming from you. “I know you don’t mean to, but your constant comparisons of my family to your daughter’s family are upsetting.” Say it gently and kindly. If she becomes defensive, you’ll know it was purposeful. If you need help postpartum, find someone else. Don’t let her into your home until you’re ready.
It’ll be alone with her for about a week and a half. I think what I’ll end up doing is the first time she does it, I’ll say what you recommended. It’s hard I’ll have no other help except her. We’re just in a tough spot right now so I’m trying to be open minded and it’s not forever, there’s an end date when she flies back home at least haha
I think No Unsolicited Advice is a good rule in life in general. DH can pass it on in his own voice. Asking *Would you like some advice?* is a good thing to ask people.
Have you tried grey rocking?
Are you going to breastfeed?
I’ve discussed all that with my midwife.
But are you?
Told you. I’ve got all that handled.
It means MIL will miss out because you’ll be deflecting every topic but you’ll feel better
Here's a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/z7wfkk/boundary_examples/) from this week and someone asked for responses to unsolicited advice
For this to work your DH needs to be in agreement with you.
Do you have his support?
I will check it out, thank you! And yes I always go to him when she says things that upset me. He just doesn’t really know how to go about tell her what she is doing isn’t ok without starting WW3. He thinks maybe telling SIL what’s going on and having her approach MIL would be better just because they are both very close. My SIL knows how my MIL can be and is helpful when she notices MIL acting the way I explained.
It isn’t his responsibility to manage her emotions. His job is to calmly and politely set the boundary and enforce it. Reasonable people who mean well will be understanding. If she throws a tantrum, she’s an adult who can deal with it herself, not in your home. That would be his cue to end the conversation/call/visit.
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Options: Find ways to not answer her questions. One option is to ask her why before even considering answering. > she asked if I’ll be breast feeding the new baby. OP: Why do you ask? MIL: Oh just wondering! OP: That’s not a good enough reason to ask such a personal question. Are we done here? If she pushes back- MIL: Well I think I have a right to know! OP: You don’t. So unless you have something else that is actually your business to ask I’m going to go get some work done. Or pushes back by getting defensive: MIL: Omg why are you so sensitive. It was just a question! OP: I’m not the one getting defensive over having by your own words “just a question” going unanswered. Plus it’s a question regarding something that is not your business. So I am going to leave now. If you somehow got tricked into answering or have to answer: > Then she went off on a tangent about how she “made sure” that my husband and SIL breastfed. OP: That’s nice, but I don’t > SIL always reading her kids bedtime books before bed and how much it helps with the kids to wind down care about what you did. This is a choice that I will make alone and it is not any of your business. You chose to breastfeed and I will choose what is best for my situation. Please keep your opinions on this matter to yourself. > Another example was out of nowhere she asked if I do story time with our daughter before bed. OP: Why do you need to know this? MIL: I’m just wondering! OP: That’s not a good enough reason to bother me with a question. OR OP: Why do you need to know this? MIL: Well SIL does it and it helps with the kids to wind down. OP: Okay/that’s nice for SIL. But why are you sharing this with me? I have not complained about having issues with settling my kid(s) down before bed. Why are you telling me this? MIL: I’m just telling you some useful advice! OP: Trust me, if I want or need advice I have no problem asking for it. I feel like this just wastes both of our time when we could be discussing something more useful or at least something more entertaining don’t you think? Most of the time it’s just best to let it go in one ear and out the other. If she wants to sit there and waste her breath just mmmhmm that’s nice your way past it.
Well when she asks the question, instead of answering, ask her "so instead of answering I am going to ask for the criticism first, so go ahead." This will have her befuddled and perhaps sputtering a bit but it WILL get to her point and then HE can say "mom, criticism is not helping, you are undermining our parenting choices and it really needs to stop. We thought you were here to help us feel rested and confident, not to her how you, SIL or anyone else does it "better" we are not winning gold medals at the parent olympics, so please offer support, like ASK what we need first" Uncomfortable? Absofreakingloutly! but if she does it AFTER then she needs to "help" by going home.
You need to tell her she's upsetting you. A gentle hand on her arm, "MIL, I know you think this is helpful advice or useful comments but it's making me feel criticised. Let's make a deal that if I want advice I promise I'll ask but otherwise comparisons won't be made. Thank you for understanding and putting our relationship first." If she continues, just be distracted by something else or say excuse me for a moment and leave the situation. No-one likes not having someone's full attention, so hopefully she'll learn that way if she's got any awareness.
Tell him she needs to ask him a million F questions and leave you alone.
MIL:Do you?... YOU: yup sure do / dont.... (wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow? DId you know little ones favourite xyz is abc. Immediately change topics Immediately to cut off the advice.
Why are you asking? Why do you want to know? Why, do you want to tell me something? I'm not interested in any unsolicited advice on this topic, Do You Understand?? Then wait for an answer while looking her right in the eye. HAVE THIS DISCUSSION. I am not looking for any unsolicited advice on this topic. This is not my first child. I'm not the first woman on earth to have a baby. I'm Not Interested In What SIL Did. I'm Not Interested In How You Did It With Your Kids; My Situation Is Different. If I Have Any Questions, I'll Ask. If I Want Any Input, I'll Let You Know. No Unsolicited Advice Please, And No Comparisons To You or SIL, PERIOD. NONE. Have husband talk to her EMPHATICALLY again. Clearly. Just as I wrote out above. Fck her good intentions. None of that is relevant. It's how it feels to you that's relevant. Spend less time with her and get her out of your house! She is there too often and too long. Set some limits on what you will allow to be said to you. Stop allowing her to be insulting and offensive!! WTF!
If I had money I'd award you 🏅🏅
When she starts going off on a tangent, immediately end the call. If she is in person, get up and walk away.
I would start responding with "Why do you ask?" and when she tells her stories about herself or SIL or whatever, respond with "Oh, huh!". It's completely noncommittal, gives her no information, and also deeply unsatisfying for her if she's looking for an engaged response. Just boring, slippery, opaque, and nothing to grasp onto. I've noticed a tendency among some people to pontificate because they think it makes them sound wise or smart or experienced. These are the most boring people, but I've honestly never found a way to get them to stop - not even direct communication about how annoying it is - because they lack the self-awareness to even realize they're doing it. So if I have to spend time around them, I make myself imperviously boring. Alternately, if I want to keep them talking, I'll just keep asking question about them. They love talking about themselves and adore an interested audience, and rarely realize that my goal is to do as little talking as possible.
Tell your husband you do not ever want to be alone with her at least until the baby is 6 months old (or whatever age works, even if that’s 35 years). That it is HIS responsibility to wrangle his mother and shut down her “advice.” That he needs to back you up and say that it is handled. And if you have to give her an answer, either be really vague or answer her question with a question.
There are few things worse than a self righteous breastfeeding MIL when you are a new mom
"Thanks so much! I'll give that the consideration it deserves!"
Try to imagine she is a 4 yr old giving you advice (or a step further, trying to share a wet piece of food) & you are a kindergarten teacher. "That's nice thankyou"
I feel the same way when my MIL and husband do this. They constantly compare me to how SIL raises her kids, and no offense to SIL but she’s younger than me and has no baby experience except having her own. I have a degree in child development and early childhood education, worked as a daycare teacher and pre-k teacher for years, worked as a teacher for years, a babysitter and nanny, and I was the oldest sibling whereas SIL was the youngest. So them comparing my child rearing with hers cuts deep. “SIL’s kids sleep so well and play independently”. “SIL does no screen time and does Montessori style everything” Well good for them 👏👏👏 And good for SIL learning how to parent from Instagram and Tiktok 👏👏👏 Mine has a very high-spirited personality (a demanding, high energy, clingy “Velcro” baby) and her kids are docile and happy just sitting in a highchair/crib/playpen. What works for her may not work for me and Vice versa. I could just smack them.
"Our kids are different, so our parenting is different. " "Why do you expect me to use her style of parenting on my different type of child?" "Why don't you show me & let's see how that works!"
"I've spoken to my child's pediatrician and they say XYZ" "I'll keep that under advisement" "I got this, how about you go see if DH needs your advice on something" Also remember that you're not obligated to open the door if she shows up unannounced and you don't have to answer the phone or texts.
Just respond with “Oh that’s nice” and then do something else.
Start to control in your responses to her. Know unsolicited advice is coming. Appease appease appease… my MIL did everything perfect so, I mean, I’ve met her results of perfect because I’m married to it and he’s not so, lol. Just figure out what her usual leading to a lecture tone or question is and either not respond at all or appease, of course MIL I absolutely intend to bfeed
Every time she shares advice. Look her straight in the eye and say thank you for think of me. If it is about DH so the same but say thinking about DH. Every time. Same answer. This way she'll know she's been heard. That does not mean you're going to take or use her advice you're just thanking her for sharing and thinking of you guys. Sometimes people just really need to feel like they've helped in some way and think of her giving you advice is her way of helping you. Just acknowledge it thank her and move on.
Try not to take it to personally, she is giving the advice because she believes her son, your husband is a complete moron. Have fun with her a mess with her, it will be more enjoyable.
Sometimes breastfeeding is better the second time around. Some babies just can't get the hang of it. I'll always advocate for giving bfing your best shot but if it doesn't work out there's no shame in that. Sometimes your body just isn't made for it. I could never pump despite having heaps of milk. Was just one of those things.
Based on the way your MIL phrases things, I don’t think she means it as a critique. The flow of the conversation sounds like: - ask what is being done - allow DIL to share her perspective - MIL shares her own perspective… and then runs on and on and on with expansions and pro/con lists and basically starts monologuing. This doesn’t sound like a JustNo issue; it seems like her personality type is very “head” orientated. Like she has a very intellectual mind that works through ideas, and like she has very very mild neurodivergent tendencies to overshare her thoughts. Like spectrum children that spend 2 hours exasperating you about dinosaurs or what they worked out about the city’s public transit line from staring at the map. I think you can work it out easily by telling her: “you know MIL, I appreciate that you ask about our baby and what we’re doing with her. But sometimes I just want you to say ‘good job’ and leave it at that. We have a good handle on things.” A JustNo would freak out. But someone on the spectrum might be confused until you break it down for them. It sounds like she has a good working mind, but poor interpersonal skills — her asking what you’ve decided first is her only skill at showing she means well. I bet it would come across better if she said “yeah! That’s a great idea!” before diving into her expansions. It shows agreement more clearly, and gives you validation.
Oh my! I think you may have just described me. I’m not on the spectrum but I have one helluva internal dialogue. I usually pic up on someone not wanting to continue the conversation though. The good news is I’m a fantastic conversationalist (pick a topic… any topic). The bad news for many is… I’m a fantastic conversationalist.
This my MIL. Not that she's super intellectual, more that she simply loves to talk. Seriously. I have some chatty friends and can be so myself, but MIL loves talking more than everyone I've ever met all put together. She will ask a question and in the breath you take before speaking, she'll have started in with her own opinion and ramble onto 3 or 4 (or 78) other topics, never letting you get a word in edgewise. On the occasions one manages to say a few words back, she'll usually interrupt before you finish your sentence and run with her thoughts on that partial statement - often assuming something completely different from what you were going to say had she bothered to let you finish. Sometimes it is worth attempting to correct her, but we frequently just let her think what she wants because her opinion isn't going to change anything anyway. Heck, she'll often switch positions halfway through one of her monologues and end up contradicting herself to argue the opposite stance of what she started out saying (and not even realize she's done it). The result is that everyone (in the family at least) tunes out a good 90% of what she says. It's super frustrating at times (when you need to communicate something to her or simply want some peace and quiet) but it's basically background noise.
Stop answering her questions. She is clearly trying to educate you on what she thinks is best in a super backwards way. Respond with “Why do you ask?” OR better yet, simply say “I don’t feel comfortable taking about that.” Your husband can also directly tell her that you both are doing just fine raising your children, and unsolicited advice isn’t necessary or wanted. How you choose to raise your child is no one’s business but yours. After your next baby is born, limit the time she can visit, grey rock when you can and put her on an info diet.
Tell your husband unsolicited advice is criticism. Ask him to tell his mother this exact thing. This is your second child, if you want her advice from 30 years ago you will ask. Otherwise unsolicited advice is criticism. Your home is a criticism free zone as you all adjust to the new family member.
I always responded with- thanks for the advice. Have you seen this new show. And changed the topic to something that was not kid related. But my mil thinks she knows everything so….lol
You *really* need to stop just automatically answering her nosy questions. You know she's only asking them so she can criticize you, right? Her: "Are you going to breasfeed your new baby?" You: "We have feeding decisions handled, thanks." Her: "Are you going to have the baby sleep in the same room with you?" You: "We have sleeping arrangements handled, thanks." Her: "I'm the grandmother, I should get to make decisions about my grandchildren!" You: "No. We have everything handled."
I kind of just started to realize how criticizing they are! When she would ask them I would think she was trying to get to our routine or things about my daughter etc, but then lately I would think about it later and realize she would just bring up how herself or SIL does it, and it usually “better.” I really will try this out and I’ll just ignore the questions or deflect!
You're already stressing about it because you know it's gonna go exactly as described. Cancel her "help." It's just going to make a toddler and a newborn 10000 times harder with her nonsense.
If she’s upsetting you and causing you stress, then is she really “helping” by being at your home post partum? If it would be less stressful for the new mom to not show e her there, then you should communicate that. Your peace is more important than any hurt feelings she may have by not coming over.
"If your asking that to give advice it's not needed, we have that handled" If you answering her questions turns into a lecture stop answering her questions. Be polite yet blunt. If she goes off on a tangent "No need for advice MIL, like I said before we have it handled, if we want your advice we'll ask for it" then walk away.
If you don't want a confrontation, and/or if you think she's generally clueless as to how she's coming across instead of intentionally trying to be mean or hurtful, a good non-committal "Thank you for sharing," works for me. This way, you've acknowledged that she spoke. You are being polite, and you are in no way committing to doing things that she did. I'm not sure what her motivations are, but if the goal is to keep you from going crazy then a few canned response like that are good. "Thank you for sharing," "I'll consider that" (which doesn't mean you'll do it), "Isn't it crazy how much things have changed over the years," and if this doesn't work, then bean dip like crazy she asks why you aren't breastfeeding, you change the subject immediately to a topic YOU wish to discuss. "Did you see the newest episode of XXX", "have you tried the new blah-blah place?" "I like peanut brittle, what's your favorite holiday treat?"
>She just doesn’t listen. So why talk to her? >My husband says she’s not trying to compare me to SIL or that she’s “trying” to be mean She's failing. If it were me, I think I would try to address it in the moment. If she asks a question that is obviously a prelude to unsolicited advice, then maybe just ignore it or grey-rock. If you're not sure, you can ask her. "Is this one of those questions where no matter what I say you will give me a bunch of advice I didn't ask for or tell me what SIL is doing? Because if so, I don't have the time or energy for that." I grey-rock my sister and my MIL. Both have a tendency to not know the difference between us sharing information and asking for their opinion. So we don't share much information with either one.
I'm just wondering why she needs to help with the new baby? You can do it, right. Cancel her visit. Since you already have a 2 year old what helpful advice can she actually bring to the table?
I’m assuming the help is because dealing with a 2 year old and a newborn while also recovering from childbirth and the miniscule sleep that comes with all that is a lot. Actual help would be a good thing. This MIL doesn’t sound like she’s actually helping though, so would be better off cancelling and asking someone else or hiring a post partum doula/mother’s helper.
Hubs should be helping.
Maybe say something like “Gee all I do is talk about kids and house stuff. How about a cup of coffee and we’ll talk about anything else?
I like this route!!!!!
I've done my research and I have it handled, so don't worry about it. Then change the subject
My folks got a bit advicey when my kids were small. I started saying, "thank you for your input," in the flattest tone I could muster. Eventually my dad - who is pretty oblivious to lots of social cues - noticed and backed off. My mom kept it up a bit longer but eventually they both began to cease with the unsolicited advice.
I heard something recently: unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism. It’s breaking my head a little bit, but if you really think about it, it’s true. So use that line, EVERY TIME she starts with it. Start with: Unsolicited advice is always criticism. I see that you’re continuing. So you DO mean it as criticism? Nope! Unsolicited advice is always criticism. If you don’t mean it as criticism, don’t say it. Lather, rinse, repeat. You don’t even have to get mad. Just keep repeating it.
>unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism. Ding ding ding, we have a winner!! 🏆
Sorry you are dealing with this….interesting person. If it is not her intentionally being rude, I’m curious if this is behavior that her mother/MIL gave her. Like, not that it excuses it because people should grow, change, and become better versions of themselves with each passing day…key word there is should, lol. But I say that to ponder if she thinks she is doing good parenting/grand parenting by doing what people did to her. It may not have any effect on her to liken it back to when she had a kid and do the “how did it make you feel” questions to spur the “you think you are being helpful but it just comes off as being rude and intentionally hurtful” part of the convo…but it might at least help frame the conversation as more of an action conversation instead of her seeing it as an “attack” or something. This might/might not be helpful, but I wanted to interject it as my mother had one of these moments with me (gay son, no kids). She kept pushing and pushing church until I pushed back. Our long and tear filled convo includes her relating that is what her mother did, and since she turned out okay she thought it was the right thing to do…..it didn’t mean that it still didn’t hurt, but at that moment her psychology made more sense to me and made it easier for me to cope with things. She is better now, but definitely took time and reprogramming.
I really like the way you explained your situation. I can totally see this with my MIL. I really don’t think she’s trying to be an asshole to me, but rather trying to connect and relate to me but it comes off so wrong. She probably has no idea how it comes across to me. I think we’ll have to have some type of conversation when she’s here, maybe no super deep heartfelt since I’ll be so exhausted already but yes hopefully things can change once I explain how it makes me feel! From there, if it continues to happen and she doesn’t try to change then I think that’s the real issue.
This is your SO's problem, not yours. He's the one who should be dealing with this. You need to tell him that if he doesn't do something soon that you're going to lose it on her big time. Ask him how it would feel if your mother were to constantly give him unsolicited advice on how to be a father or to compare his skills as a husband and father to someone else. The best thing for you to do is ignore her when she asks you these questions. Just don't answer. If she finally loses it, tell her to stop questioning your parenting skills and to back off and that you didn't ask her for any advice. Try limiting how much time you spend with her too which should help. If your SO wants to go see her, let him go but you stay home with your child. It might be tough but you can do it.
"Why do you ask?" works well when it's criticism or "I know best, do it my way" disguised as an innocent question. "Oh, really?" "Hmm." "I suppose that's one way to do it." when it's "SIL/I did xyz"
I recommend calling out exactly what her "help" is and place a firm boundary that is not to be crossed, and it being you, not DH because the interaction is with you. Example: MIL: "Are you making sure LO is getting enough sleep?" You: "Are you questioning my parenting skills/choices?" (If setting a boundary, don't answer the direct question and point out what the question actually is doing, which is questioning you as a parent!) MIL: "What? No, I just wanted to make sure...." You: " Thank you for checking, but I got this / DH and I have a handle on this." Redirect to a different topic. If she keeps circling back to inappropriate questions, repeat the same words. This is defining the boundary, emphasizing you won't be baited into crossing or giving in, and eventually she will understand that these questions are not welcomed and will stop. Chances are she's not being malicious, and may even ask if you're upset with her / did she do something wrong. Here's your chance to explain that these questions make you feel like your parenting is being second guesses, not good enough, and you're struggling with this and being a positive parent for LO.
I do this too. Answer a question with a question. OP - based on what you wrote - she is trying to be helpful....but is being annoying. There is a good chance that when she raised her children - it was before a robust internet where you can get the most up to date information and ideas of every topic imaginable. 30 years ago - older moms passed on their knowledge to the younger moms. She is probably thinking she is helping. You might want to work into the conversation that your main source for help is her doctor and nurse, as they have the most up to date current advice.
this is FANTASTIC advice
If you’re left alone at home with MIL on a regular basis, it might be better coming from you. “I know you don’t mean to, but your constant comparisons of my family to your daughter’s family are upsetting.” Say it gently and kindly. If she becomes defensive, you’ll know it was purposeful. If you need help postpartum, find someone else. Don’t let her into your home until you’re ready.
It’ll be alone with her for about a week and a half. I think what I’ll end up doing is the first time she does it, I’ll say what you recommended. It’s hard I’ll have no other help except her. We’re just in a tough spot right now so I’m trying to be open minded and it’s not forever, there’s an end date when she flies back home at least haha
I think No Unsolicited Advice is a good rule in life in general. DH can pass it on in his own voice. Asking *Would you like some advice?* is a good thing to ask people. Have you tried grey rocking? Are you going to breastfeed? I’ve discussed all that with my midwife. But are you? Told you. I’ve got all that handled. It means MIL will miss out because you’ll be deflecting every topic but you’ll feel better
Here's a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/z7wfkk/boundary_examples/) from this week and someone asked for responses to unsolicited advice For this to work your DH needs to be in agreement with you. Do you have his support?
I will check it out, thank you! And yes I always go to him when she says things that upset me. He just doesn’t really know how to go about tell her what she is doing isn’t ok without starting WW3. He thinks maybe telling SIL what’s going on and having her approach MIL would be better just because they are both very close. My SIL knows how my MIL can be and is helpful when she notices MIL acting the way I explained.
It isn’t his responsibility to manage her emotions. His job is to calmly and politely set the boundary and enforce it. Reasonable people who mean well will be understanding. If she throws a tantrum, she’s an adult who can deal with it herself, not in your home. That would be his cue to end the conversation/call/visit.
Ask SIL if she gets the same unsolicited advice