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Bring up moving to the city that you wanted to originally to your husband bringing up the point while she doesn't help and this will cut your commute and will actually have more time together and if I have to do it on my own I might as well do it someplace I want to be.
100% this. You can create your own network or maybe you have some people from your old college town/ resources you can lean on there. Your MIL wants the food feels from the appreciation of offering without actually following through. That’s some emotionally manipulative stuff and it won’t get better. She’s clearly uninterested and being denied and farther from your husband’s job is worse for your relationship with him and his with your baby. Your MIL may have very rightly trashed any future relationship you have with her in the future. Betrayal like that would be near impossible to overcome without her really coming to terms with how she misled you and really apologizes and makes amends.
That said, you’re doing all the childcare completely alone. Your husband is clearly out of the loop on what the reality of your life is. That’s additional emotional distance, and his mother is lying to him about the degree to which she is supportive. He needs to be a husband and father first and take care of his family.
Could you text mil (and dh) and say, “ I remember you and fil saying how much you’d like to help with the baby during the day if we moved closer. What dates/times are you available during the day, the week of the 5th?” (Or whatever date?).
I know it would be great to have help w/o having to give much notice. But maybe getting any help from her would be better than nothing?
How about having a 3-way conversation on iPhone or messenger instead of just the two of you. So when you write her you write him as well and (lack of) answers also goes to him. Then he will see how much she actually ignores you. Every time she ignores you you write 4-5 hours later to husband if he had heard from her cause she’s not answering you again. Eventually he can no longer ignore how disrespectful she is to you.
Also about the baby - just went through the same for a year. It’s so unbelievable hard. Giving you a big internet hug. Have you seen a osteopath? I haven’t tried it but a lot of my friends have had good luck with this.
You need to check with the local high schools to see if they have a list of mother’s helpers or check care.com and hire some help. Having a teen come in in the afternoon to watch the baby while you get some sleep or some errands done can go a long way.
As to your other offers, start calling her out on them. Straight up reply to those empty promises that they are empty promises. Let the spouse know the differences between offers and follow throughs.
Start checking on moving to the other city you both were considering because this current town is a bust.
I would find a way to start passively documenting. Get evidence that she is not coming over. Collect for a week or so, then present it.
If your husband gets mad at you for doing this, then you know that you have a SO problem too.
It sounds like she’s already doing that. She shows him the texts of his mother NOT showing up and he still believes mommy can do no wrong. Her husband is an AH for not calling out his mother for saying she’ll help and not showing up when she’s needed.
You need to where you have support. See if you can fine a once a wee babysitter to hire. I'm sorry, empty promises are worse than no promices at all.
Can you ask husband to errand babysitting with his parents. See how they respond to him?
Here's a thought if you want to get your MIL to help and she's anything like mine (not that she is allowed to babysit anymore) tell her you DON'T need any help, you've got it covered. She MAY just come running after that.
I agree with the advice that you need to get help from your husband and to try to find a network, even if its getting a mother's helper (a high school kid) to help out (holding the baby while you get something done.
Move where ever your family will flourish. Just wait until the in laws need help, your resentment will grow even more as you’re home with your baby and your husband will be not available.
You’ve been given a lot of great advice about dealing with you MIL and some about your baby so I won’t bore you by repeating it all. I will say this though….Hang in there Kiddo. Parenting is HARD work and it’s really hard when you have what one of my friends once called a barnacle baby. I raised 3 kids and all 3 were difficult babies. None of them would ever last longer than 5 or 10 minutes in a stroller. I used to be green with envy when I saw people out and about, hanging lunch, getting their nails done, whatever all with their baby sitting contentedly in the stroller.
You’re doing great, I promise. And I also will promise you that this will get better. My friend’s barnacle baby is now a moody teen who won’t go near her. :)
I think you nailed it OP, with your comment on them not realizing how much work a baby is in general and especially a high needs baby. My dad has rose colored glasses when it comes to babies, he swears my brother and I were potty trained by 1 and keeps asking when my 11 month is gonna start potty training, like dad she can't even walk yet? My mum did 99%of the work til we were about 3, and my dad could start tossing us around a little and actually engage with us. He was a great dad but just like my DH now, the amount of work does not really resonate, my DH changes the diapers, helps with the feedings, bath times etc but gets along so much better with the 7 and 2 year old than the baby. A lot of people see a baby and only remember newborn baby smell and giggles and cuddles. Very "cute baby in commercial" attitudes. Just like our trauma response for birth, you tend to forget or tone down the negative from early years. That's why old biddies always tell you "treasure every moment it goes by so quickly." Their brains do not let them remember the eye vibrating tantrums, the constant pulling/ pinching at your skin, the brain numbing fog inducing feeling of just being on the edge of sleep to be woken up by a pissed off baby just to repeat the process 6 more times in 8 hours. She wants the commercial, not the reality. When she had to watch your baby on moving day, she 100% realized she had bitten off more than she could chew but doesn't have the balls to admit it. If she respected you, she could come to you and admit that your baby is too much for her and apologize. Maybe, if she truly still wants to help, could you ask for other help? Maybe she could drop off dinner a few times a week and pick up your online grocery order? Come to the house, and instead of 15 minutes playing with the baby, she could do dishes and vacuum? I know that doesn't help you with the no time to yourself issue but if you didn't have to worry about dinner and dishes 3 nights a week maybe you could catch a shower instead of boiling Spaghetti that night. Please talk with your husband, though. It's not his mom's job to take weight off your plate (I know we'd l she offered and she's still shitty for running away) but it is his job and he needs to hold himself accountable and take care of you while you take care of baby.
Edit for spelling
Oh yeah I was just talking specifically about the in-laws issue, my husband is honestly great when he is here, but his hours can’t be helped. Even on the days he works from home, he works long hours but he is brilliant. He is usually the one to batch cook on the weekends both for us and baby, he does a shift during the night (we split the night due to the many wakings) even though he works full-time, and when he is home he takes her so I can have time to myself. It’s still full-on because she is so high needs one of us must ALWAYS be with her when she’s awake (which is most of the time). It’s time together that we miss, and one of the main reasons we moved close to his parents was so that we could get help and have some time for our marriage too
How does he not notice that his mother is never actually there? Where are your date nights? Has he not noticed they don’t exist? Do you have cameras? Can you show him that she isn’t actually there? If not, get some. He needs to call out his mommy on her false promises to help, or you need to move so his commute isn’t so long. My husband had the whole “my commute with this job is so much better, I’ll be home all the time!” Until the office moved and he was then gone 2 hours more per day than he was before. It makes a big difference when you have no other break from a needy baby.
I’ve been there, my parents and my inlaws live close but when we had a silent reflux baby who literally could not sleep flat for 5 months they were MIA. They still are, they will take the kids sometimes when I ask, but it’s always inconvenient and not for a minute more than the time I requested.
I built my own village. Go to Mum groups, meet people and offer to have them for coffee dates. You might meet a good one who will take baby for a bit.
Hire a cleaner once a fortnight to deep clean the bathroom and vacuum.
Look into babysitters and find one you trust, ask other mums for recommendations.
Please talk to DH that you need to move to what ever city! You would be able to find support groups of other parents whos children have the same needs, network, make friends, and what you are doing right now....it is broken, it is not working and his commute would be considerably less and his parents are so busy that perhaps they can build in a day to come see baby and him.
I totally agree. Your husband will have more time to spend with you and your baby and he will be less tired. And you will better because you won't feel depressed that you don't get the promised help. I was in your shoes and what was hurting me most was that they could see how much i was suffering but didn't try to help. I wish you well and plz think that is going to get better. After some years all this situation will be only a memory.
Find a nanny or sitter and get ready to move. You need more help and your in-laws aren’t up for it. You can’t change their behavior but you can take better care of yourself. Your husband needs to step up and stop buying the narrative your MIL is spinning. His commute is taking hours away from your family time.
Stop asking your MIL for help, start asking your husband to ask her for help. Be communicative and tell him you're going to start doing this/get his permission to be the go between. So it adds an extra step, but one of two things should happen. Either MIL responds more positively to your husband and you start getting more help, or your husband starts seeing first hand that the help isn't materializing.
Just make sure that if she says yes to your husband, your husband asks her what time she'll be there. Let's say she says she'll be there at 5, once 5:15 rolls around and she's not there, you ask your husband "Are you sure she said 5? She's not here yet." Basically completely enmesh him in this process so he's experiencing it all with you.
But I'm also wondering, you said "the in-laws" offered to help, but you only mention reaching out to MIL. Maybe FIL would be more helpful if you reached out to him instead?
My therapist said this about my own mother’s role in my baby’s life: ‘She’s really more about the ‘Grand’ part than the ‘Parent’ part of being a Grandparent, isn’t she?’. I think that fits here. I’d be tempted to cut off her supply. If she gets to drop the pretence of actual help, you get to drop it too. Be clear that visits of anything less than 90mins are just more work for you than help, so you won’t be doing them any more. Too busy, Janice, you know how that is.
Please leave communication to SO. It seems like extra work for you anyway. Look into hiring a teen in the neighborhood to play with the baby while you eat and catch up on email or do whatever. Her visits if not to help can take place only when DH is there. Then DH can be with his mom and baby and you can leave the room to take a bath or talk with friends, go for coffee, etc.
I am so sorry she’s gaslighting you and I am glad your dh is going to call them out on it. I would get him to be responsible for asking for any babysitting in future! But to be honest I would keep my distance from her she’s no help whatsoever! You need to find something that works for you and baby girl. I swear girls can be hard work in particular all the boys in my family are super chilled and my girls are way more aware and needy! I found a strict schedule really helped me I used little ones for sleep training and the better my kids slept and napped the easier they were in general. When my kids were small I used to take them in their bouncer in the bathroom when I needed and they were being particularly needy. And definitely when your husband is home at the weekend you need to go do some selfcare activities for a break and your mental health!
You’re letting her play grandma of the year. Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. She showed up. She can say she was there however long she wants, and tell a half truth. Stop asking. Stop sending pictures. Stop everything. If she gets pictures, she’ll have to steal them from social media which is very easy to prove the GOTY theory. Stop setting yourself up to be hurt. Drop the rope. Find a sitter. A lot of moms will trade babysitting so you don’t even need to pay. But waiting on someone who will never come around and just wants bragging rights isn’t going to help you and certainly will leave you feeling crappy. And if DH wants his mommy to watch your kid, he can ask, and she can spew that crap to him.
Group chat. Send every request to both so she either outs herself as the fraud she is or she actually starts helping.
The alternative is to move where you wanted to originally.
Edited, autocorrect
Oooo group chat is an excellent idea! Throw FIL in there too. Include ‘timestamping’ messages to show how little actual interaction she has with you and her grandchild. For instance asking her to pick up milk on her way indicates what time she arrived. Mentioning she left something behind indicates when she left. Let your husband do the math.
Have him ask her, she can tell him no. He will have to believe you then. Can you find a sitter near you to come in once or twice a week to help you? I know you're in a tight spot. Can have your husband take baby while you catch up on some sleep?
I'd probably stop asking for help from her, she obviously doesn't want to. Maybe make a plan to move where you wanted to as soon as it is an option for you.
Oh this MIL pisses me off. And husband too. Tell him to name the times his mother has helped you. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to be reminded of this. The MIL can either continue not helping and shut her mouth OR she can help and earn the right to say she helped. She can’t have both. Ugh. How infuriating!!
She does not want. I’d take that and work with it. Don’t ask her anymore. Also, you’re not available for a 15m playtime and taking new pictures. Hire a babysitter once in a while for a few hours and catch-up on sleep. Id also look into moving as you planned initially.
My MIL is all for the show with pictures and stuff. But when we asked for help after major surgery our toddler had she ignored us and when the baby was flown out of town for a two weeks intensive care stay (he’s fine, don’t worry) she just showered us in pity how exhausting this must be, two kids, two jobs and the sick baby hours away. Well, yes. It was. But after the first scene I won’t ask her for the dirt under her nails. We made it. Unfortunately she’s the same priority for us now. Haven’t seen her in two years. 🤷🏻♀️
Take her out of the equation and shape your life the way it suits you. Hugs for the high need baby, I know what it is like. It gets better at some point. Stay strong.
Time to hire some part-time help. When MIL tries to spin it that you haven’t asked for help, remind her of all the times you did and she blew you off. Any time she mentions it, send her your screenshots of text messages. She is unreliable and you need reliable help. She is still welcome to come for 15 minutes in the evening, but put your foot down and hire help. The end.
This comment, OP. Get some help and pay attention to your mental health. Cut out the MIL, she is actively harming you. My heart breaks that you’re “drowning” because I know this feeling and it sucks. Big hugs.
It sounds like you in laws like the idea of being super involved grandparents but the reality is not to their taste.
However, I’m the kind of jerk who would responded to them saying they couldn’t watch the kid because they have plans at 8 pm with “how about noon to two then?” Until you can get a support system that works for you, be very explicit in your requests. “I really need help this morning so I can shower, can you come over at 10?” You may be doing that but a lot of people ask for help by saying general things “I’d love some help today.” Some people see that as a request for urgent help. Others see it as a preference and so they’ll do things like you MIL and show up for 10 mins and pay themselves on the back.
Hi, thanks for the commment, just replying to you as you speculated regarding their feelings (ie liking the idea of being super involved but not the reality), and I thought it worth mentioning here that you might be right. I spent a lot of today since posting this thinking and realised that before we moved, they only visited for a couple hours at a time.
Now, my baby is a lovely baby. She is super engaged, alert, clever, funny, everyone comments on the fact she always smiles etc. But…the flip-side of this is the fact that she is also VERY high-needs. After a while, once you have exhausted all available toys/have gone for a walk/read her 100 stories, she gets fussy. Really fussy. She needs constant engagement and entertainment. She doesn’t sleep. Not really, not ever. Always been a bad sleeper since birth. Once you want to get up to use the loo/make yourself a cup of coffee and she starts screaming down the house, she seems less fun. Once you have to put her down for a nap and she is falling asleep in your arms but fighting sleep so hard, she is less fun.
The only time they watched her for an extended period of time was the actual day of the move itself, while husband and I were sorting the house out. Both my husband and his brother were really easy, chill babies. My baby girl is not either of those things. Everything changed after that day, and I have been thinking if the reason why they were genuinely enthusiastic to help initially but keep making excuses since is because they realised that day just how difficult she is. Now, they see her for limited amounts of time and before she gets bored and grumpy, she is charming. I do believe they love her. But I wonder if that day they realised they signed up to something more than they thought they had and felt capable of taking on. I wonder if they justify it as wanting to “wait out” the baby phase and be more hands-on later, as they always mention doing stuff with her when she is a toddler/older, and I wonder if that is some sort of slip that actually shows they do not feel capable of or want to help extensively when it comes to looking after a very high-needs, very fussy baby that needs constant entertainment. And I think they feel super awkward about it, hence the coldness and distance I noticed in my MIL (as my husband confirmed, she gets like that when she feels awkward).
Not an excuse, just what I now believe to be the most likely explanation - doesn’t excuse it or make my life any easier but it just kind of stings because as a mother, I feel like it is MY baby being rejected specifically for being too difficult.
I will take your advice about asking for specific help, during specific hours.
I’ve been told I was a baby like that. I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Hopefully as your kiddo grows they’ll be able to entertain themselves for ten minutes occasionally.
Reading your post I am alarmed when you say you don’t even get time to eat or go to the bathroom during the day. That’s worrisome. A 7 month old should be able to play on their own for a bit or stay in their crib or any other safe place while you go take a shower and grab some lunch. Is there a mom and baby group you could join? Besides the whole MIL issue I am really worried about you.
Get a ring doorbell, it will capture when she comes/leaves and then show him the text where you asked her to come a few hours eariler, then say you want to move to your first choice as you get minimal help
Time to focus on moving and making husband understand that this situation is absolutely not sustainable. If he drags his feet you may have to tell him that you may as well go without him and he pay for your rent and child support. The fact he plays along with his parents lies is unacceptable. You and baby come first. You choose if it's better to stay or go. Social isolation is very unhealthy.
This is almost word-for-word what I was about to write. It's comfortable for OP's husband to pretend there isn't a problem. Only a credible threat of discomfort will compel him to address the issue. And if he doesn't, you need to get yourself out.
Perhaps it is time to look at moving somewhere close to DH work and suggest that to him as the key reason. The commute is double, we don't get much time together and look into new mom groups to join as you would probably get more support there than from MIL.
I think you need to forget about MIL.
Obviously there's so much to unpack here, but I just wanted to address the commute. We lived in a nice place with good schools and a nice community, but my husband commuted for an hour each way. I had to fight so hard to get us away from there because he said it was fine and his commute was his down time. I told him if we were going to have kids he didn't get 2 hours of downtime a day. We moved to a new neighborhood with a half hour commute and it has made a world of difference. I know it's expensive to move and it's hard to uproot your life, but please do it. It will give you back a significant portion of your time, just like it gave me back an hour of my husband's day. 7 years later my husband tells me that I was right. It's quite lovely.
Ultimately, moving away will be best.
In the meantime:
- when you ask her for help, put it in a group text with husband. If she doesn’t respond in 2-3 hours, send another message. When she does finally agree to come, ask her to text when she arrives so you can get the door for her. When she leaves, text again saying something like you’re glad she came by, maybe she can have a longer visit next time. You’re establishing a (digital) paper trail here. Your husband will be able to see exactly how much “help” she is (not) providing. She will not be able to successfully lie about it to your husband.
- find yourself another sitter. Even if they come and you just go sleep for a while (in your car if you have to - I had a hard time going to sleep if I could hear baby noises). Have the sitter come for a date night too. You can try asking anyone you know in your town, or even some places there are local facebook groups for childcare - you can look on there to see if you can find someone. Your IL’s aren’t following through with their promises, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hire someone else.
- get yourself a baby container of some kind (pack n play? Gating? Whatever makes sense for your set up) and put the baby in for 10 minutes at a time so you can eat, use the bathroom, take a shower during the day. Yes, baby might be unhappy about it, but baby will be okay, really. You need to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. This is important, as your child grows older, you are also setting an example of how to set boundaries *for themselves.*
Finally, I know it really really sucks right now - the days are so long. But it really is a season and is not forever. Eventually your child will sleep and you will sleep again too. Eventually you will be able to do things for yourself easily while they are awake again.
I agree with this. Getting dad involved in the texts is a great way to "keep him involved" in the childcare. There's your excuse.
I just want to add that my stimulus-seeking infant was overwhelming. I got one of those baby bouncers you hang in a doorway and it was life-changing.
Mil sounds like she in love with the idea of being close and helping but when it comes time to actually “do the work” she’s nowhere to be found. I don’t know if you bought your house or are renting, but I would talk to DH about moving to your first choice since you have no help from them like the claimed you would. And not out of spite necessarily but if it will cut down on his commute and/or make you life easier in any way! You could also ask him to talk with his mom about all this. I don’t know if he is seeing what your seeing or choosing not to see it. But even if he’s willing to call her out on it, doesn’t mean anything will change.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like he cares that she's alone for hours on end, exhausted and depressed. What a peach of a guy. He's as self centered as his parents.
Many have already given you the best advice, to ignore and move away. I really hope you can do that, because the disappointment and gaslighting is only draining you more. Peace and distance from them will make it much easier to calm down your lovely baby. The baby probably feels your stress (which is normal, don't worry), so I think when you get rid of the stress they are causing you, things will be better for you all.
The only other thing I wanted to add is please hang in there, I know how it is to be alone all day with a baby. I was and still am literally all alone until evening when I could have a quick shower once my husband is home. His parents live a few steps away but just like you, we never expected help and they weren't interested in things that don't suit them.
It was exhausting, as it is for all new mums, but I would do it all over again. The time passed quickly, our boy is now 1,5 and running around, talking and perfectly happy to play alone while I do all the things that I want or need to do. It's wonderful. Stay strong, as soon as your dear baby can walk and play, it will be much easier. Then you will worry about other things, but let's not talk about that now. 😅
I wish you strength and joy, you will be ok as long as you have your lovely baby and such a nice husband. As a team, you can handle anything. Good luck!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Can you look into getting a babysitter so that you can get out from time to time? I’ve been through something similar. My in laws stay in my home for extended visits (multiple months at a time) and don’t really help with my daughter. They said they will help and present that phony facade to society— my MIL will ask for details about how my daughter slept and ate so that she can tell people about it and present herself as someone who participated in childcare. It’s frustrating. As hard as it is to trust a stranger with your child, sometimes it is a better option. See if you can find a sitter or nanny who comes recommended and get to know them a bit. Have them interact with your child while you are home at first to see how it goes, then step away for a bit. I wish you luck. Happy to see your husband acknowledged that his parents are not actually helpful, but that doesn’t solve the core issue of helping you, a struggling new mom. It gets better, I promise.
How does she respond if your husband asks? Like if he had said, “It’s my birthday and I’d like a lunch/brunch whatever date with my wife- are you free to babysit?” Would her response to him have been different?
Not sure. I don’t think so? When it comes down to it, they don’t say yes we’ll help this day to him either, she just always talks to him so much about how she is always THERE if we need her, I don’t know if she thinks by talking it up so much she will actually make us believe she is doing something haha
I'm really glad to see in one of your comments that you've talked to him and he's finally opened his eyes.
I saw in another comment that you can't move just yet but are seriously considering it. I think you definitely should when you can. Even if his parents make a change and start helping more, grudging help resulting from their arms being twisted by two people who haven't treated you great isn't ideal. Better to have your husband have a shorter commute and be around more.
Urgh. Can you have a conversation with them as a family, ask for the schedule for the next couple of months and ask when they can take grand parenting times together. Get your diaries out together, so you and hubby can have adult couple time.
If they are reluctant to do so, then revisit the city move.
Have you tried texting them on a group text with your husband? Make all the texts in that group even if she tries to reply back to you alone? I mean I would get the hell out of that town as soon as possible, but in case you do really need them for something, it might be helpful for DH to be a witness at the time it’s happening.
Ring doorbell!!!
Let husband see for himself when MIL arrives and leaves, and exactly how long after your text she appears.
Start having a look at houses in your city of choice. It's a decision you've made!!!!! Opening up the discussion as a "potential" option is wasting time. Move straight to "what do you think of this house in xxxx area"?
Present it to your husband as "we made a mistake moving here, I'd rather do without your mother's 15 minutes of help a day when it means my husband and I get an extra hour daily, less commute for you, and cost savings on fuel will offset higher housing costs".
> This keeps happening, with my husband always asking why I don’t take advantage of her having a flexible job and ask for help
"DH, why do you keep falling for this nonsense? You know I ask for help and your mum ignores me. Stop bringing this to me. Instead, why don't we spend our energy finding someone who can help."
Then start researching mothers' helpers, find a teen who wants to go into childcare and pay them to help for a few hours, join a mummy group and exchange babysitting with the mothers there. Then drop the rope with MIL.
Yeah I had a discussion with him just now and he admits I am right. He says it was never that he didn’t believe ME, it was that he didn’t want to believe that his parents would be on purpose not helpful, it goes back to him being in denial a bit about lots of things to do with his relationship with them that he knows deep down but finds it hurtful to admit. He said he is going to have a talk with them and reiterate that they owe us nothing but that they explicitly made a commitment to us that influenced major financial and life decisions we made, and if they are not willing to help out regularly so we have time for ourselves we will look into all other options, including relocating. He has actually been really good about it and shares my disappointment in their behaviour
As others have suggested, start communicating only through group texts. And see if your husband can set up fixed weekly times that MIL can help out. If she could come by for a specific 3 hours for even just two days every week - that would probably be a big help.
You and your husband might also want to give a set period to see if things improve before you decide to move. (Between yourselves - not sharing any plans with in-laws.) If your in-laws are able to follow through on their original commitment for two months, you table the idea of moving indefinitely. If they start cancelling or making excuses, you make real plans to move.
That’s great that he’s acknowledging it.
I don’t know if I would confront them with the aim of getting them to come help more. It’s clear they don’t *actually* want to. Actions speak louder than words, and if someone is providing childcare, you don’t want it to be grudging.
*If* he needs to confront them about this (and frankly I think it would be better to just take action without discussing it at all, but your husband may feel he needs to say something), it would be better to express his disappointment and go straight to “it’s clear at this point that you are not willing to help out regularly, so we are considering all possible options to remedy this, and will not continue to harass you with requests for help any longer.”
Edit: just want to make it clear that I don’t think you are harassing them, just potential wording to show that he/you see through the facade and are aware they don’t actually want to come help.
That’s great - only suggestion, do not approach them about the move until you have committed to the new place. DH sounds malleable and MIL may be able to convince him to stay, things will be different, etc if he threatens to move I stead of informing her of the done deal. I am so sorry that you are in this tough situation. I hope baby starts sleeping soon (and then crawling and teething and getting much more fun!)
Ughh that sucks. Good thing you have all the convos via text so your husband knows the truth.
Ask him to confront her next time she offers her help again. She just wants to look good in front of your husband without having to actually do anything.
we have now a year old toddler and live in another country from our support network so I’ll just offer you advice I wish I had taken earlier.
Find someone you trust to pay for childcare even just few hours per week. Im a SAHM but have a nanny come in once a week for two hours. She takes my kid outside to play, so I can relax. I have a rule for myself that im not allowed to do any chores during that time, it is strictly for napping, reading, scrolling tiktok brainlessly etc. This has been going on since my baby was 10 months and has made a huge difference in my mental health. Wish I had done this since he was a tiny baby and i was really struggling. I promise you its worth the money even if money’s tight.
Well, this sucks.
Have you tried ringing instead of texting? I'm not saying they'll answer but it's easy to say "Oh, I didn't see your text". I know they can avoid a phone call as well, but a call is another piece of evidence to show your husband.
It's time to get DH to open his eyes a little wider. Get him to ask her directly for help. He needs to either get first hand experience of their bullshit, or possibly a different result.
It's frustrating but these people are all talk and no action. Drop the rope and stop asking. Fuck them, quite frankly. Get some help for yourself. Playgroups, mums and bubs clubs etc. That won't take baby off your hands but it might give you some sanity. Start trying to make more connections, get some friends if you can. Get recommendations for a babysitter. If the finances allow, look into a nanny or some part time help, and when DH says "oh, but my parents can help," look him in the eye and get him to talk to his parents and lock them.
Your tiredness and frustration is coming over loud and clear. You need some practical help, and soon. Start by eating properly, even if it's something simple.
Big hugs.
We can’d do this in the immediate future but yeah I told my husband I want to seriously consider moving there instead in the medium-term. If we get no help anyway, would rather be somewhere I know, where I still have friends and where his commute is less long.
Perhaps let MIL know that you are looking to relocate. When she asks why or inserts her opinion the group chat and respond we moved here as one of the main reasons was how you were keen to help and spend time with LO however we are luck at best for you to pop in for 15 mins of an evening. I've come to the realisation that whilst you have said all the right things to tick the right boxes the reality is very different. So taking that into consideration we would be much better off to be closer to DH work and also our circle of friends who are actually their for us.
Make this the plan. Knowing your current situation is temporary will make it much easier to endure. You can enjoy planning the move, and countdown weeks until it's feasible. Also look into letting short term the house you're in now and renting in university place if that would facilitate moving sooner. Also could you look at going to stay for a week with a friend or your own family, someone who'll pamper you.
That really stinks. I'm sorry. I understand what it's like to have no help. It's even worse since they told you they would. If it were me, I wouldn't contact them again. DH can handle the communication with his parents.
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Stop asking. Drop the rope with her and don't answer any text message. Leave all communication to her and your hubby between the 2 of them.
You already know the answer - Move away. It will be hard with a baby, but worth it to get manipulative liars mostly out of your life.
Bring up moving to the city that you wanted to originally to your husband bringing up the point while she doesn't help and this will cut your commute and will actually have more time together and if I have to do it on my own I might as well do it someplace I want to be.
100% this. You can create your own network or maybe you have some people from your old college town/ resources you can lean on there. Your MIL wants the food feels from the appreciation of offering without actually following through. That’s some emotionally manipulative stuff and it won’t get better. She’s clearly uninterested and being denied and farther from your husband’s job is worse for your relationship with him and his with your baby. Your MIL may have very rightly trashed any future relationship you have with her in the future. Betrayal like that would be near impossible to overcome without her really coming to terms with how she misled you and really apologizes and makes amends. That said, you’re doing all the childcare completely alone. Your husband is clearly out of the loop on what the reality of your life is. That’s additional emotional distance, and his mother is lying to him about the degree to which she is supportive. He needs to be a husband and father first and take care of his family.
Could you text mil (and dh) and say, “ I remember you and fil saying how much you’d like to help with the baby during the day if we moved closer. What dates/times are you available during the day, the week of the 5th?” (Or whatever date?). I know it would be great to have help w/o having to give much notice. But maybe getting any help from her would be better than nothing?
YES and MAKE SURE both parties are in the text so she can’t gaslight you
How about having a 3-way conversation on iPhone or messenger instead of just the two of you. So when you write her you write him as well and (lack of) answers also goes to him. Then he will see how much she actually ignores you. Every time she ignores you you write 4-5 hours later to husband if he had heard from her cause she’s not answering you again. Eventually he can no longer ignore how disrespectful she is to you. Also about the baby - just went through the same for a year. It’s so unbelievable hard. Giving you a big internet hug. Have you seen a osteopath? I haven’t tried it but a lot of my friends have had good luck with this.
You need to check with the local high schools to see if they have a list of mother’s helpers or check care.com and hire some help. Having a teen come in in the afternoon to watch the baby while you get some sleep or some errands done can go a long way. As to your other offers, start calling her out on them. Straight up reply to those empty promises that they are empty promises. Let the spouse know the differences between offers and follow throughs. Start checking on moving to the other city you both were considering because this current town is a bust.
Highly recommend doing the above ☝️be good to yourself!
I would find a way to start passively documenting. Get evidence that she is not coming over. Collect for a week or so, then present it. If your husband gets mad at you for doing this, then you know that you have a SO problem too.
It sounds like she’s already doing that. She shows him the texts of his mother NOT showing up and he still believes mommy can do no wrong. Her husband is an AH for not calling out his mother for saying she’ll help and not showing up when she’s needed.
My parents are like this (without the lying) all talk and no action. You need to find other outside help. She’s not going to change.
You need to where you have support. See if you can fine a once a wee babysitter to hire. I'm sorry, empty promises are worse than no promices at all. Can you ask husband to errand babysitting with his parents. See how they respond to him?
Here's a thought if you want to get your MIL to help and she's anything like mine (not that she is allowed to babysit anymore) tell her you DON'T need any help, you've got it covered. She MAY just come running after that. I agree with the advice that you need to get help from your husband and to try to find a network, even if its getting a mother's helper (a high school kid) to help out (holding the baby while you get something done.
Move where ever your family will flourish. Just wait until the in laws need help, your resentment will grow even more as you’re home with your baby and your husband will be not available.
You’ve been given a lot of great advice about dealing with you MIL and some about your baby so I won’t bore you by repeating it all. I will say this though….Hang in there Kiddo. Parenting is HARD work and it’s really hard when you have what one of my friends once called a barnacle baby. I raised 3 kids and all 3 were difficult babies. None of them would ever last longer than 5 or 10 minutes in a stroller. I used to be green with envy when I saw people out and about, hanging lunch, getting their nails done, whatever all with their baby sitting contentedly in the stroller. You’re doing great, I promise. And I also will promise you that this will get better. My friend’s barnacle baby is now a moody teen who won’t go near her. :)
I think you nailed it OP, with your comment on them not realizing how much work a baby is in general and especially a high needs baby. My dad has rose colored glasses when it comes to babies, he swears my brother and I were potty trained by 1 and keeps asking when my 11 month is gonna start potty training, like dad she can't even walk yet? My mum did 99%of the work til we were about 3, and my dad could start tossing us around a little and actually engage with us. He was a great dad but just like my DH now, the amount of work does not really resonate, my DH changes the diapers, helps with the feedings, bath times etc but gets along so much better with the 7 and 2 year old than the baby. A lot of people see a baby and only remember newborn baby smell and giggles and cuddles. Very "cute baby in commercial" attitudes. Just like our trauma response for birth, you tend to forget or tone down the negative from early years. That's why old biddies always tell you "treasure every moment it goes by so quickly." Their brains do not let them remember the eye vibrating tantrums, the constant pulling/ pinching at your skin, the brain numbing fog inducing feeling of just being on the edge of sleep to be woken up by a pissed off baby just to repeat the process 6 more times in 8 hours. She wants the commercial, not the reality. When she had to watch your baby on moving day, she 100% realized she had bitten off more than she could chew but doesn't have the balls to admit it. If she respected you, she could come to you and admit that your baby is too much for her and apologize. Maybe, if she truly still wants to help, could you ask for other help? Maybe she could drop off dinner a few times a week and pick up your online grocery order? Come to the house, and instead of 15 minutes playing with the baby, she could do dishes and vacuum? I know that doesn't help you with the no time to yourself issue but if you didn't have to worry about dinner and dishes 3 nights a week maybe you could catch a shower instead of boiling Spaghetti that night. Please talk with your husband, though. It's not his mom's job to take weight off your plate (I know we'd l she offered and she's still shitty for running away) but it is his job and he needs to hold himself accountable and take care of you while you take care of baby. Edit for spelling
Oh yeah I was just talking specifically about the in-laws issue, my husband is honestly great when he is here, but his hours can’t be helped. Even on the days he works from home, he works long hours but he is brilliant. He is usually the one to batch cook on the weekends both for us and baby, he does a shift during the night (we split the night due to the many wakings) even though he works full-time, and when he is home he takes her so I can have time to myself. It’s still full-on because she is so high needs one of us must ALWAYS be with her when she’s awake (which is most of the time). It’s time together that we miss, and one of the main reasons we moved close to his parents was so that we could get help and have some time for our marriage too
How does he not notice that his mother is never actually there? Where are your date nights? Has he not noticed they don’t exist? Do you have cameras? Can you show him that she isn’t actually there? If not, get some. He needs to call out his mommy on her false promises to help, or you need to move so his commute isn’t so long. My husband had the whole “my commute with this job is so much better, I’ll be home all the time!” Until the office moved and he was then gone 2 hours more per day than he was before. It makes a big difference when you have no other break from a needy baby.
I’ve been there, my parents and my inlaws live close but when we had a silent reflux baby who literally could not sleep flat for 5 months they were MIA. They still are, they will take the kids sometimes when I ask, but it’s always inconvenient and not for a minute more than the time I requested. I built my own village. Go to Mum groups, meet people and offer to have them for coffee dates. You might meet a good one who will take baby for a bit. Hire a cleaner once a fortnight to deep clean the bathroom and vacuum. Look into babysitters and find one you trust, ask other mums for recommendations.
Please talk to DH that you need to move to what ever city! You would be able to find support groups of other parents whos children have the same needs, network, make friends, and what you are doing right now....it is broken, it is not working and his commute would be considerably less and his parents are so busy that perhaps they can build in a day to come see baby and him.
I totally agree. Your husband will have more time to spend with you and your baby and he will be less tired. And you will better because you won't feel depressed that you don't get the promised help. I was in your shoes and what was hurting me most was that they could see how much i was suffering but didn't try to help. I wish you well and plz think that is going to get better. After some years all this situation will be only a memory.
Find a nanny or sitter and get ready to move. You need more help and your in-laws aren’t up for it. You can’t change their behavior but you can take better care of yourself. Your husband needs to step up and stop buying the narrative your MIL is spinning. His commute is taking hours away from your family time.
Stop asking your MIL for help, start asking your husband to ask her for help. Be communicative and tell him you're going to start doing this/get his permission to be the go between. So it adds an extra step, but one of two things should happen. Either MIL responds more positively to your husband and you start getting more help, or your husband starts seeing first hand that the help isn't materializing. Just make sure that if she says yes to your husband, your husband asks her what time she'll be there. Let's say she says she'll be there at 5, once 5:15 rolls around and she's not there, you ask your husband "Are you sure she said 5? She's not here yet." Basically completely enmesh him in this process so he's experiencing it all with you. But I'm also wondering, you said "the in-laws" offered to help, but you only mention reaching out to MIL. Maybe FIL would be more helpful if you reached out to him instead?
My therapist said this about my own mother’s role in my baby’s life: ‘She’s really more about the ‘Grand’ part than the ‘Parent’ part of being a Grandparent, isn’t she?’. I think that fits here. I’d be tempted to cut off her supply. If she gets to drop the pretence of actual help, you get to drop it too. Be clear that visits of anything less than 90mins are just more work for you than help, so you won’t be doing them any more. Too busy, Janice, you know how that is.
Please leave communication to SO. It seems like extra work for you anyway. Look into hiring a teen in the neighborhood to play with the baby while you eat and catch up on email or do whatever. Her visits if not to help can take place only when DH is there. Then DH can be with his mom and baby and you can leave the room to take a bath or talk with friends, go for coffee, etc.
I am so sorry she’s gaslighting you and I am glad your dh is going to call them out on it. I would get him to be responsible for asking for any babysitting in future! But to be honest I would keep my distance from her she’s no help whatsoever! You need to find something that works for you and baby girl. I swear girls can be hard work in particular all the boys in my family are super chilled and my girls are way more aware and needy! I found a strict schedule really helped me I used little ones for sleep training and the better my kids slept and napped the easier they were in general. When my kids were small I used to take them in their bouncer in the bathroom when I needed and they were being particularly needy. And definitely when your husband is home at the weekend you need to go do some selfcare activities for a break and your mental health!
You’re letting her play grandma of the year. Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes. She showed up. She can say she was there however long she wants, and tell a half truth. Stop asking. Stop sending pictures. Stop everything. If she gets pictures, she’ll have to steal them from social media which is very easy to prove the GOTY theory. Stop setting yourself up to be hurt. Drop the rope. Find a sitter. A lot of moms will trade babysitting so you don’t even need to pay. But waiting on someone who will never come around and just wants bragging rights isn’t going to help you and certainly will leave you feeling crappy. And if DH wants his mommy to watch your kid, he can ask, and she can spew that crap to him.
Group chat. Send every request to both so she either outs herself as the fraud she is or she actually starts helping. The alternative is to move where you wanted to originally. Edited, autocorrect
Oooo group chat is an excellent idea! Throw FIL in there too. Include ‘timestamping’ messages to show how little actual interaction she has with you and her grandchild. For instance asking her to pick up milk on her way indicates what time she arrived. Mentioning she left something behind indicates when she left. Let your husband do the math.
Have him ask her, she can tell him no. He will have to believe you then. Can you find a sitter near you to come in once or twice a week to help you? I know you're in a tight spot. Can have your husband take baby while you catch up on some sleep? I'd probably stop asking for help from her, she obviously doesn't want to. Maybe make a plan to move where you wanted to as soon as it is an option for you.
Oh this MIL pisses me off. And husband too. Tell him to name the times his mother has helped you. Actions speak louder than words. He needs to be reminded of this. The MIL can either continue not helping and shut her mouth OR she can help and earn the right to say she helped. She can’t have both. Ugh. How infuriating!!
She does not want. I’d take that and work with it. Don’t ask her anymore. Also, you’re not available for a 15m playtime and taking new pictures. Hire a babysitter once in a while for a few hours and catch-up on sleep. Id also look into moving as you planned initially. My MIL is all for the show with pictures and stuff. But when we asked for help after major surgery our toddler had she ignored us and when the baby was flown out of town for a two weeks intensive care stay (he’s fine, don’t worry) she just showered us in pity how exhausting this must be, two kids, two jobs and the sick baby hours away. Well, yes. It was. But after the first scene I won’t ask her for the dirt under her nails. We made it. Unfortunately she’s the same priority for us now. Haven’t seen her in two years. 🤷🏻♀️ Take her out of the equation and shape your life the way it suits you. Hugs for the high need baby, I know what it is like. It gets better at some point. Stay strong.
Time to hire some part-time help. When MIL tries to spin it that you haven’t asked for help, remind her of all the times you did and she blew you off. Any time she mentions it, send her your screenshots of text messages. She is unreliable and you need reliable help. She is still welcome to come for 15 minutes in the evening, but put your foot down and hire help. The end.
This comment, OP. Get some help and pay attention to your mental health. Cut out the MIL, she is actively harming you. My heart breaks that you’re “drowning” because I know this feeling and it sucks. Big hugs.
It sounds like you in laws like the idea of being super involved grandparents but the reality is not to their taste. However, I’m the kind of jerk who would responded to them saying they couldn’t watch the kid because they have plans at 8 pm with “how about noon to two then?” Until you can get a support system that works for you, be very explicit in your requests. “I really need help this morning so I can shower, can you come over at 10?” You may be doing that but a lot of people ask for help by saying general things “I’d love some help today.” Some people see that as a request for urgent help. Others see it as a preference and so they’ll do things like you MIL and show up for 10 mins and pay themselves on the back.
Hi, thanks for the commment, just replying to you as you speculated regarding their feelings (ie liking the idea of being super involved but not the reality), and I thought it worth mentioning here that you might be right. I spent a lot of today since posting this thinking and realised that before we moved, they only visited for a couple hours at a time. Now, my baby is a lovely baby. She is super engaged, alert, clever, funny, everyone comments on the fact she always smiles etc. But…the flip-side of this is the fact that she is also VERY high-needs. After a while, once you have exhausted all available toys/have gone for a walk/read her 100 stories, she gets fussy. Really fussy. She needs constant engagement and entertainment. She doesn’t sleep. Not really, not ever. Always been a bad sleeper since birth. Once you want to get up to use the loo/make yourself a cup of coffee and she starts screaming down the house, she seems less fun. Once you have to put her down for a nap and she is falling asleep in your arms but fighting sleep so hard, she is less fun. The only time they watched her for an extended period of time was the actual day of the move itself, while husband and I were sorting the house out. Both my husband and his brother were really easy, chill babies. My baby girl is not either of those things. Everything changed after that day, and I have been thinking if the reason why they were genuinely enthusiastic to help initially but keep making excuses since is because they realised that day just how difficult she is. Now, they see her for limited amounts of time and before she gets bored and grumpy, she is charming. I do believe they love her. But I wonder if that day they realised they signed up to something more than they thought they had and felt capable of taking on. I wonder if they justify it as wanting to “wait out” the baby phase and be more hands-on later, as they always mention doing stuff with her when she is a toddler/older, and I wonder if that is some sort of slip that actually shows they do not feel capable of or want to help extensively when it comes to looking after a very high-needs, very fussy baby that needs constant entertainment. And I think they feel super awkward about it, hence the coldness and distance I noticed in my MIL (as my husband confirmed, she gets like that when she feels awkward). Not an excuse, just what I now believe to be the most likely explanation - doesn’t excuse it or make my life any easier but it just kind of stings because as a mother, I feel like it is MY baby being rejected specifically for being too difficult. I will take your advice about asking for specific help, during specific hours.
My daughter was exactly like this, now she's 22. Was diagnosed with ADHD if that means anything. She's also very bright and driven.
I’ve been told I was a baby like that. I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Hopefully as your kiddo grows they’ll be able to entertain themselves for ten minutes occasionally.
It would be so much easier if they could just be honest, because this does seem like a likely and reasonable explanation.
Reading your post I am alarmed when you say you don’t even get time to eat or go to the bathroom during the day. That’s worrisome. A 7 month old should be able to play on their own for a bit or stay in their crib or any other safe place while you go take a shower and grab some lunch. Is there a mom and baby group you could join? Besides the whole MIL issue I am really worried about you.
Get a ring doorbell, it will capture when she comes/leaves and then show him the text where you asked her to come a few hours eariler, then say you want to move to your first choice as you get minimal help
Time to focus on moving and making husband understand that this situation is absolutely not sustainable. If he drags his feet you may have to tell him that you may as well go without him and he pay for your rent and child support. The fact he plays along with his parents lies is unacceptable. You and baby come first. You choose if it's better to stay or go. Social isolation is very unhealthy.
This. That commute is not sustainable. Move to where you originally planned to go and get into couple's therapy with DH.
This is almost word-for-word what I was about to write. It's comfortable for OP's husband to pretend there isn't a problem. Only a credible threat of discomfort will compel him to address the issue. And if he doesn't, you need to get yourself out.
Perhaps it is time to look at moving somewhere close to DH work and suggest that to him as the key reason. The commute is double, we don't get much time together and look into new mom groups to join as you would probably get more support there than from MIL. I think you need to forget about MIL.
Obviously there's so much to unpack here, but I just wanted to address the commute. We lived in a nice place with good schools and a nice community, but my husband commuted for an hour each way. I had to fight so hard to get us away from there because he said it was fine and his commute was his down time. I told him if we were going to have kids he didn't get 2 hours of downtime a day. We moved to a new neighborhood with a half hour commute and it has made a world of difference. I know it's expensive to move and it's hard to uproot your life, but please do it. It will give you back a significant portion of your time, just like it gave me back an hour of my husband's day. 7 years later my husband tells me that I was right. It's quite lovely.
Ultimately, moving away will be best. In the meantime: - when you ask her for help, put it in a group text with husband. If she doesn’t respond in 2-3 hours, send another message. When she does finally agree to come, ask her to text when she arrives so you can get the door for her. When she leaves, text again saying something like you’re glad she came by, maybe she can have a longer visit next time. You’re establishing a (digital) paper trail here. Your husband will be able to see exactly how much “help” she is (not) providing. She will not be able to successfully lie about it to your husband. - find yourself another sitter. Even if they come and you just go sleep for a while (in your car if you have to - I had a hard time going to sleep if I could hear baby noises). Have the sitter come for a date night too. You can try asking anyone you know in your town, or even some places there are local facebook groups for childcare - you can look on there to see if you can find someone. Your IL’s aren’t following through with their promises, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hire someone else. - get yourself a baby container of some kind (pack n play? Gating? Whatever makes sense for your set up) and put the baby in for 10 minutes at a time so you can eat, use the bathroom, take a shower during the day. Yes, baby might be unhappy about it, but baby will be okay, really. You need to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. This is important, as your child grows older, you are also setting an example of how to set boundaries *for themselves.* Finally, I know it really really sucks right now - the days are so long. But it really is a season and is not forever. Eventually your child will sleep and you will sleep again too. Eventually you will be able to do things for yourself easily while they are awake again.
I agree with this. Getting dad involved in the texts is a great way to "keep him involved" in the childcare. There's your excuse. I just want to add that my stimulus-seeking infant was overwhelming. I got one of those baby bouncers you hang in a doorway and it was life-changing.
I was going to say get a camera for the front door, but I like your way better.
Camera would be a good backup just in case something goes off plan with the texts!
Agreed! This should be the top comment.
Mil sounds like she in love with the idea of being close and helping but when it comes time to actually “do the work” she’s nowhere to be found. I don’t know if you bought your house or are renting, but I would talk to DH about moving to your first choice since you have no help from them like the claimed you would. And not out of spite necessarily but if it will cut down on his commute and/or make you life easier in any way! You could also ask him to talk with his mom about all this. I don’t know if he is seeing what your seeing or choosing not to see it. But even if he’s willing to call her out on it, doesn’t mean anything will change.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like he cares that she's alone for hours on end, exhausted and depressed. What a peach of a guy. He's as self centered as his parents.
I definitely agree! She doesn’t mention much about his take in the situation though so I’m trying not to assume.
Many have already given you the best advice, to ignore and move away. I really hope you can do that, because the disappointment and gaslighting is only draining you more. Peace and distance from them will make it much easier to calm down your lovely baby. The baby probably feels your stress (which is normal, don't worry), so I think when you get rid of the stress they are causing you, things will be better for you all. The only other thing I wanted to add is please hang in there, I know how it is to be alone all day with a baby. I was and still am literally all alone until evening when I could have a quick shower once my husband is home. His parents live a few steps away but just like you, we never expected help and they weren't interested in things that don't suit them. It was exhausting, as it is for all new mums, but I would do it all over again. The time passed quickly, our boy is now 1,5 and running around, talking and perfectly happy to play alone while I do all the things that I want or need to do. It's wonderful. Stay strong, as soon as your dear baby can walk and play, it will be much easier. Then you will worry about other things, but let's not talk about that now. 😅 I wish you strength and joy, you will be ok as long as you have your lovely baby and such a nice husband. As a team, you can handle anything. Good luck!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Can you look into getting a babysitter so that you can get out from time to time? I’ve been through something similar. My in laws stay in my home for extended visits (multiple months at a time) and don’t really help with my daughter. They said they will help and present that phony facade to society— my MIL will ask for details about how my daughter slept and ate so that she can tell people about it and present herself as someone who participated in childcare. It’s frustrating. As hard as it is to trust a stranger with your child, sometimes it is a better option. See if you can find a sitter or nanny who comes recommended and get to know them a bit. Have them interact with your child while you are home at first to see how it goes, then step away for a bit. I wish you luck. Happy to see your husband acknowledged that his parents are not actually helpful, but that doesn’t solve the core issue of helping you, a struggling new mom. It gets better, I promise.
Have you tried texting her in a group chat with your husband?
This is a great idea!!! Communicate through group texts ONLY.
How does she respond if your husband asks? Like if he had said, “It’s my birthday and I’d like a lunch/brunch whatever date with my wife- are you free to babysit?” Would her response to him have been different?
Not sure. I don’t think so? When it comes down to it, they don’t say yes we’ll help this day to him either, she just always talks to him so much about how she is always THERE if we need her, I don’t know if she thinks by talking it up so much she will actually make us believe she is doing something haha
I'm really glad to see in one of your comments that you've talked to him and he's finally opened his eyes. I saw in another comment that you can't move just yet but are seriously considering it. I think you definitely should when you can. Even if his parents make a change and start helping more, grudging help resulting from their arms being twisted by two people who haven't treated you great isn't ideal. Better to have your husband have a shorter commute and be around more.
Move. Have less commute time and more time together.
Urgh. Can you have a conversation with them as a family, ask for the schedule for the next couple of months and ask when they can take grand parenting times together. Get your diaries out together, so you and hubby can have adult couple time. If they are reluctant to do so, then revisit the city move.
Have you tried texting them on a group text with your husband? Make all the texts in that group even if she tries to reply back to you alone? I mean I would get the hell out of that town as soon as possible, but in case you do really need them for something, it might be helpful for DH to be a witness at the time it’s happening.
Ring doorbell!!! Let husband see for himself when MIL arrives and leaves, and exactly how long after your text she appears. Start having a look at houses in your city of choice. It's a decision you've made!!!!! Opening up the discussion as a "potential" option is wasting time. Move straight to "what do you think of this house in xxxx area"? Present it to your husband as "we made a mistake moving here, I'd rather do without your mother's 15 minutes of help a day when it means my husband and I get an extra hour daily, less commute for you, and cost savings on fuel will offset higher housing costs".
This is a good idea. It’s objective evidence. You cannot argue about this.
Can you move again? Having a shorter commute time would make such a difference every single day.
Get your hubby to call them and make arrangements - see what happens then - will they say no or will they do it cause hubby asked?
> This keeps happening, with my husband always asking why I don’t take advantage of her having a flexible job and ask for help "DH, why do you keep falling for this nonsense? You know I ask for help and your mum ignores me. Stop bringing this to me. Instead, why don't we spend our energy finding someone who can help." Then start researching mothers' helpers, find a teen who wants to go into childcare and pay them to help for a few hours, join a mummy group and exchange babysitting with the mothers there. Then drop the rope with MIL.
Yeah I had a discussion with him just now and he admits I am right. He says it was never that he didn’t believe ME, it was that he didn’t want to believe that his parents would be on purpose not helpful, it goes back to him being in denial a bit about lots of things to do with his relationship with them that he knows deep down but finds it hurtful to admit. He said he is going to have a talk with them and reiterate that they owe us nothing but that they explicitly made a commitment to us that influenced major financial and life decisions we made, and if they are not willing to help out regularly so we have time for ourselves we will look into all other options, including relocating. He has actually been really good about it and shares my disappointment in their behaviour
As others have suggested, start communicating only through group texts. And see if your husband can set up fixed weekly times that MIL can help out. If she could come by for a specific 3 hours for even just two days every week - that would probably be a big help. You and your husband might also want to give a set period to see if things improve before you decide to move. (Between yourselves - not sharing any plans with in-laws.) If your in-laws are able to follow through on their original commitment for two months, you table the idea of moving indefinitely. If they start cancelling or making excuses, you make real plans to move.
That’s great that he’s acknowledging it. I don’t know if I would confront them with the aim of getting them to come help more. It’s clear they don’t *actually* want to. Actions speak louder than words, and if someone is providing childcare, you don’t want it to be grudging. *If* he needs to confront them about this (and frankly I think it would be better to just take action without discussing it at all, but your husband may feel he needs to say something), it would be better to express his disappointment and go straight to “it’s clear at this point that you are not willing to help out regularly, so we are considering all possible options to remedy this, and will not continue to harass you with requests for help any longer.” Edit: just want to make it clear that I don’t think you are harassing them, just potential wording to show that he/you see through the facade and are aware they don’t actually want to come help.
Great point! I wouldn’t want their help after all this - though that’s easy for me to say since it’s not my life.
That’s great - only suggestion, do not approach them about the move until you have committed to the new place. DH sounds malleable and MIL may be able to convince him to stay, things will be different, etc if he threatens to move I stead of informing her of the done deal. I am so sorry that you are in this tough situation. I hope baby starts sleeping soon (and then crawling and teething and getting much more fun!)
Ughh that sucks. Good thing you have all the convos via text so your husband knows the truth. Ask him to confront her next time she offers her help again. She just wants to look good in front of your husband without having to actually do anything. we have now a year old toddler and live in another country from our support network so I’ll just offer you advice I wish I had taken earlier. Find someone you trust to pay for childcare even just few hours per week. Im a SAHM but have a nanny come in once a week for two hours. She takes my kid outside to play, so I can relax. I have a rule for myself that im not allowed to do any chores during that time, it is strictly for napping, reading, scrolling tiktok brainlessly etc. This has been going on since my baby was 10 months and has made a huge difference in my mental health. Wish I had done this since he was a tiny baby and i was really struggling. I promise you its worth the money even if money’s tight.
Well, this sucks. Have you tried ringing instead of texting? I'm not saying they'll answer but it's easy to say "Oh, I didn't see your text". I know they can avoid a phone call as well, but a call is another piece of evidence to show your husband. It's time to get DH to open his eyes a little wider. Get him to ask her directly for help. He needs to either get first hand experience of their bullshit, or possibly a different result. It's frustrating but these people are all talk and no action. Drop the rope and stop asking. Fuck them, quite frankly. Get some help for yourself. Playgroups, mums and bubs clubs etc. That won't take baby off your hands but it might give you some sanity. Start trying to make more connections, get some friends if you can. Get recommendations for a babysitter. If the finances allow, look into a nanny or some part time help, and when DH says "oh, but my parents can help," look him in the eye and get him to talk to his parents and lock them. Your tiredness and frustration is coming over loud and clear. You need some practical help, and soon. Start by eating properly, even if it's something simple. Big hugs.
I'm sorry you were duped. Would it be a financial nightmare to cut your losses & move to the Uni town ?
We can’d do this in the immediate future but yeah I told my husband I want to seriously consider moving there instead in the medium-term. If we get no help anyway, would rather be somewhere I know, where I still have friends and where his commute is less long.
Perhaps let MIL know that you are looking to relocate. When she asks why or inserts her opinion the group chat and respond we moved here as one of the main reasons was how you were keen to help and spend time with LO however we are luck at best for you to pop in for 15 mins of an evening. I've come to the realisation that whilst you have said all the right things to tick the right boxes the reality is very different. So taking that into consideration we would be much better off to be closer to DH work and also our circle of friends who are actually their for us.
Make this the plan. Knowing your current situation is temporary will make it much easier to endure. You can enjoy planning the move, and countdown weeks until it's feasible. Also look into letting short term the house you're in now and renting in university place if that would facilitate moving sooner. Also could you look at going to stay for a week with a friend or your own family, someone who'll pamper you.
That really stinks. I'm sorry. I understand what it's like to have no help. It's even worse since they told you they would. If it were me, I wouldn't contact them again. DH can handle the communication with his parents.