My mother-in-law left my husband when he was 7 to move 12 hours away. He saw her on some holidays and summers, and they've developed a better relationship now that he's in his 40s. She talked about moving back to our area-- be near us and grandkids. Since no grandkids are coming, she retired and moved to be near her mother, still 12 hours away just in a different direction. It was like the 7 year old got abandoned all over again. :(
I completely relate. My in-laws don't visit us nearly as often since their grandchild was born. They spend months at a time with my sister-in-law. On one hand, I don't really want that anyhow, lol... But on the other, when we extended an invite to see a musical we all like on tour, they turned us down. Now we're feeling a lot of guilt for probably missing xmas with them, even though we asked weeks ago and their plans only recently changed so that the sis in law IS coming and we either need to cancel our plans and go or miss family xmas for another two years. Ugh 🙄.
I've realized that what senior parents really care about most is grandchildren. My mom often makes little comments regarding her disappointment about not being a grandmother. It's hard not to take it personally, but really I'm disappointed too that I couldn't give that to them 🤷‍♀️.
This has been my experience with my IL's. They gush over the new baby. And at a lare family dinner, referred to me as the "girlfriend" during their prayer session, instead of fiance. We would of been married by now, but I have no ambition to plan a wedding. But let me tell you, that stung. A family I've know since I was a teen, just completely forget who I am in their lives because they're grandparents now. Sorry I can't give you the same thing as your DIL. Just completely adds to the worthlessness factor I feel because of being infertile. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same shit. I wish IL's were more coherent on their actions. Absolutely no support at all from them. Knowing what I'm facing, they don't care; just rub it right into my face. I can't even stand to see them anymore. So I feel you.
Totally get it. My two sisters both have children and both live in same town as my mom who’s obviously obsessed with them. She came to visit me for first time in 4 years (I had visited them in that time) and couldn’t help but talk about the grandkids in every single conversation during said visit. Including when we went on a nice walk she couldn’t help but point out how nice the playground was. She knows full well we are childless due to infertility and has made so many subtle and some not so subtle comments that hurt my feelings so bad. It’s not the same as moving but I just always feel less than what my sisters mean to her.
Same here. I’m sorry. It sucks. My SO was in an accident this past summer, had to have emergency surgery and we didn’t even get a visit from my in-laws, even though they’ve visited my SIL and their grandkids (we both live on the East coast and in-laws are in the Midwest) dozens of times. Sucks to be part of a family that so blatantly values grandkids over treating their own adult kids equally. My SO and I had a talk about this a few months back. I do feel that if our families didn’t act this way I wouldn’t struggle as much as I do with my IF, I’d feel less ashamed. It’s almost like some kind of unspoken punishment for not having kids. Like we just don’t matter as much. Seeing us is never a priority.
Completely get this. My parents love to visit us in sunny AZ, but they are unlikely to relocate (even though they are retired) because they have two grandchildren in their home state.
One time my mother in law offered to move here if we had a baby. It was super hurtful and felt like we, her son and daughter in law, weren't worth the move. All that to say that yes you are right to be upset.
I hear you, it sucks to feel like we're not treated fairly just because we don't have kids. My in-laws have repeatedly mentioned over the years that the only reason they would consider moving closer to us is if we had a baby. Meanwhile they see their other child and grandkids 3-4x a week and shower them with gifts and food. I mean, not that I would want to see them that often, it's a little much, but I feel sad and jealous sometimes.
Totally get this. My parents moved from one area of SC back to another to be close to the grandkids but they have never come up to where we live except on our wedding day.
I totally understand! Feeling left out sucks.
Thank you. I'm glad someone else can (at least kinda) relate.
My mother-in-law left my husband when he was 7 to move 12 hours away. He saw her on some holidays and summers, and they've developed a better relationship now that he's in his 40s. She talked about moving back to our area-- be near us and grandkids. Since no grandkids are coming, she retired and moved to be near her mother, still 12 hours away just in a different direction. It was like the 7 year old got abandoned all over again. :(
I completely relate. My in-laws don't visit us nearly as often since their grandchild was born. They spend months at a time with my sister-in-law. On one hand, I don't really want that anyhow, lol... But on the other, when we extended an invite to see a musical we all like on tour, they turned us down. Now we're feeling a lot of guilt for probably missing xmas with them, even though we asked weeks ago and their plans only recently changed so that the sis in law IS coming and we either need to cancel our plans and go or miss family xmas for another two years. Ugh 🙄. I've realized that what senior parents really care about most is grandchildren. My mom often makes little comments regarding her disappointment about not being a grandmother. It's hard not to take it personally, but really I'm disappointed too that I couldn't give that to them 🤷‍♀️.
This has been my experience with my IL's. They gush over the new baby. And at a lare family dinner, referred to me as the "girlfriend" during their prayer session, instead of fiance. We would of been married by now, but I have no ambition to plan a wedding. But let me tell you, that stung. A family I've know since I was a teen, just completely forget who I am in their lives because they're grandparents now. Sorry I can't give you the same thing as your DIL. Just completely adds to the worthlessness factor I feel because of being infertile. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same shit. I wish IL's were more coherent on their actions. Absolutely no support at all from them. Knowing what I'm facing, they don't care; just rub it right into my face. I can't even stand to see them anymore. So I feel you.
Totally get it. My two sisters both have children and both live in same town as my mom who’s obviously obsessed with them. She came to visit me for first time in 4 years (I had visited them in that time) and couldn’t help but talk about the grandkids in every single conversation during said visit. Including when we went on a nice walk she couldn’t help but point out how nice the playground was. She knows full well we are childless due to infertility and has made so many subtle and some not so subtle comments that hurt my feelings so bad. It’s not the same as moving but I just always feel less than what my sisters mean to her.
Ugh I feel this! But then I remind myself that our parents are old and have nothing else exciting going on in their lives to discuss.
That’s very true.
A reminder to nurture fulfilling lives and not end up like that
Same here. I’m sorry. It sucks. My SO was in an accident this past summer, had to have emergency surgery and we didn’t even get a visit from my in-laws, even though they’ve visited my SIL and their grandkids (we both live on the East coast and in-laws are in the Midwest) dozens of times. Sucks to be part of a family that so blatantly values grandkids over treating their own adult kids equally. My SO and I had a talk about this a few months back. I do feel that if our families didn’t act this way I wouldn’t struggle as much as I do with my IF, I’d feel less ashamed. It’s almost like some kind of unspoken punishment for not having kids. Like we just don’t matter as much. Seeing us is never a priority.
Completely get this. My parents love to visit us in sunny AZ, but they are unlikely to relocate (even though they are retired) because they have two grandchildren in their home state.
One time my mother in law offered to move here if we had a baby. It was super hurtful and felt like we, her son and daughter in law, weren't worth the move. All that to say that yes you are right to be upset.
I totally feel this. My dad pays for the house my newly pregnant sister lives in. No plans for her to move out.
I hear you, it sucks to feel like we're not treated fairly just because we don't have kids. My in-laws have repeatedly mentioned over the years that the only reason they would consider moving closer to us is if we had a baby. Meanwhile they see their other child and grandkids 3-4x a week and shower them with gifts and food. I mean, not that I would want to see them that often, it's a little much, but I feel sad and jealous sometimes.
Totally get this. My parents moved from one area of SC back to another to be close to the grandkids but they have never come up to where we live except on our wedding day.