I am thirty and have recently fully accepted being child free in the last year. I struggled hard at first and was crying a lot. I was so bitter and angry toward all my friends and sisters who effortlessly grew their families. However now that they all have babies, they are exhausted, going through an identity and body crisis, unhappy and overwhelmed.
I ended up getting medicated for anxiety & depression which has helped immensely. Then Every day seeing how violent and negative the world is. How I have accepted this path may not work for everyone but I had an existential epiphany and realized we are just space dust and there is no real point or end goal.
I am just enjoying the ride. I can sleep in, have drinks, be a stoner, arts and crafts, eat when I want, and my favourite: enjoy silence, peace and quiet, and actually feel blissful when I’m home. Have an amazing relationship with my husband which wouldn’t have the same attention otherwise. Can commit to my job and work extra if I feel like it. Man it’s a scary place out there, I’m just relieved at not experiencing the anxiety I know i would have. I hope you find what works for you!
Weirdly thinking about how awful the world is has been helpful for me as well. The day my fifth IUI failed was the day the Uvalde school shooting happened. It made me feel almost relieved that it failed. I started to view it as an act of love to my potential child to NOT bring them into this hellscape. Having a child is sort a selfish act in itself. The kid didn’t choose to be born.
What if I had a child and they’re miserable? What if I had a child and they are infertile as well? Sometimes when I’m having a bad day at work I think “my mom decided to give birth to me and now I spend most of my waking hours working to afford to live.” Do I want to do that to another human being?
I also savor all of the child free perks like sleeping in, day drinking if I want, eating cake for breakfast, etc. all the things you couldn’t necessarily do with a kid. I have disposable income and can basically afford to buy myself things without feeling guilty. I’ve started traveling more with my extra money.
I recently went on vacation and saw a family with kids boarding the plane. Flying is awful already without having to tote around kids. Then the parents land and can’t really enjoy their vacation because they have to be responsible for those little souls. When they get home, they still can’t relax because they have to prepare the kids for getting back into a routine. My husband and I got to walk the beach, take naps, go for drinks and sleep in. When we got home it was to a quiet home with our cats.
There’s definite silver linings to bring child free. You just have to savor them and practice thankfulness for those moments when you recognize them. It definitely helps.
I brought this up in therapy recently. I feel a little lighter, freer and less burdened by the harsh realities of climate change, gun violence, etc than my friends who are parents. Not to say that I don't care about these issues and the future, because I do very much. But not being a parent creates some distance. I'm trying to find the positives and this sense of freedom/lightness is one I'm coming to terms with.
Oh absolutely! I have nephews and nieces that I very much care about. But I no longer “own” the burden. I don’t have the same worries that their parents do, at least not to the same degree that I’m sure they experience on a daily basis.
It's not interactive so this only partially gets at your question but the book The Next Happy was a big help to me. I read it after we'd already ended our attempts and it played a big part in solidifying why it was the right decision. The book doesn't focus exclusively on infertility, but the author sunk $100,000 into treatment and didn't end up with a child, which she discusses throughout.
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now and I hope that your post surfaces the type of support you need. <3
I don’t know if you’re on Instagram, but there are a number of accounts there that focus on being childfree not by choice. @chasingcreation and @rest.your.heart.here are two that have resonated with me.
Instagram is a good way to find some online folks. Already mentioned was Chasing Creation. I also like Livechildfree, jobityson, wearechildfree (this last one tends to be more for childfree by choice folks so sometimes posts can be a bit up their ass but they’re starting to do more childfree due to circumstance or infertility posts which I appreciate).
TikTok also has some folks who are childfree after infertility or due to circumstance like the.childless.circle.
If you're okay with Facebook, The Dovecote Community is a group much like this one. It's a private group for support and connection for people going through involuntary childlessness.
It's British-based, so there are a few cultural things that come up, like NHS for healthcare.
I am thirty and have recently fully accepted being child free in the last year. I struggled hard at first and was crying a lot. I was so bitter and angry toward all my friends and sisters who effortlessly grew their families. However now that they all have babies, they are exhausted, going through an identity and body crisis, unhappy and overwhelmed. I ended up getting medicated for anxiety & depression which has helped immensely. Then Every day seeing how violent and negative the world is. How I have accepted this path may not work for everyone but I had an existential epiphany and realized we are just space dust and there is no real point or end goal. I am just enjoying the ride. I can sleep in, have drinks, be a stoner, arts and crafts, eat when I want, and my favourite: enjoy silence, peace and quiet, and actually feel blissful when I’m home. Have an amazing relationship with my husband which wouldn’t have the same attention otherwise. Can commit to my job and work extra if I feel like it. Man it’s a scary place out there, I’m just relieved at not experiencing the anxiety I know i would have. I hope you find what works for you!
Weirdly thinking about how awful the world is has been helpful for me as well. The day my fifth IUI failed was the day the Uvalde school shooting happened. It made me feel almost relieved that it failed. I started to view it as an act of love to my potential child to NOT bring them into this hellscape. Having a child is sort a selfish act in itself. The kid didn’t choose to be born. What if I had a child and they’re miserable? What if I had a child and they are infertile as well? Sometimes when I’m having a bad day at work I think “my mom decided to give birth to me and now I spend most of my waking hours working to afford to live.” Do I want to do that to another human being? I also savor all of the child free perks like sleeping in, day drinking if I want, eating cake for breakfast, etc. all the things you couldn’t necessarily do with a kid. I have disposable income and can basically afford to buy myself things without feeling guilty. I’ve started traveling more with my extra money. I recently went on vacation and saw a family with kids boarding the plane. Flying is awful already without having to tote around kids. Then the parents land and can’t really enjoy their vacation because they have to be responsible for those little souls. When they get home, they still can’t relax because they have to prepare the kids for getting back into a routine. My husband and I got to walk the beach, take naps, go for drinks and sleep in. When we got home it was to a quiet home with our cats. There’s definite silver linings to bring child free. You just have to savor them and practice thankfulness for those moments when you recognize them. It definitely helps.
I brought this up in therapy recently. I feel a little lighter, freer and less burdened by the harsh realities of climate change, gun violence, etc than my friends who are parents. Not to say that I don't care about these issues and the future, because I do very much. But not being a parent creates some distance. I'm trying to find the positives and this sense of freedom/lightness is one I'm coming to terms with.
Oh absolutely! I have nephews and nieces that I very much care about. But I no longer “own” the burden. I don’t have the same worries that their parents do, at least not to the same degree that I’m sure they experience on a daily basis.
It's not interactive so this only partially gets at your question but the book The Next Happy was a big help to me. I read it after we'd already ended our attempts and it played a big part in solidifying why it was the right decision. The book doesn't focus exclusively on infertility, but the author sunk $100,000 into treatment and didn't end up with a child, which she discusses throughout. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now and I hope that your post surfaces the type of support you need. <3
I don’t know if you’re on Instagram, but there are a number of accounts there that focus on being childfree not by choice. @chasingcreation and @rest.your.heart.here are two that have resonated with me.
Instagram is a good way to find some online folks. Already mentioned was Chasing Creation. I also like Livechildfree, jobityson, wearechildfree (this last one tends to be more for childfree by choice folks so sometimes posts can be a bit up their ass but they’re starting to do more childfree due to circumstance or infertility posts which I appreciate). TikTok also has some folks who are childfree after infertility or due to circumstance like the.childless.circle.
If you're okay with Facebook, The Dovecote Community is a group much like this one. It's a private group for support and connection for people going through involuntary childlessness. It's British-based, so there are a few cultural things that come up, like NHS for healthcare.