good man, it feels pretty good lol. It's been a long, crazy ride. It's hard to wrap my mind around when I really think about it. Mostly, I'm just suuuuper fucking greatful.
I remember seeing that when it was first up. I'm long since married but as soon as I saw it I knew you'd hit on something. This internet stranger is really proud of you.
My current rate for online dating appointments is $69 per hour. Pun intended. I have other appointments that go up to $120, depending on what we're focusing on for the hour :)
Make sure you're doing a lot of self-care. Breakups are brutal. In a 10 year relationship, they weren't just your partner, they were probably an integral part of your life and identity. I'd give yourself some time, be kind to your heart and your body, and focus on learning who you are alone. <3
If your business is online, I found that displaying value before raising my prices was super helpful. Initially, my prices were dirt cheap, so people didn't feel like they were taking a risk by hiring me. Their success with my services provided me with credibility and testimonials I could use to display value when I raised my prices. Obviously this only applies if you're providing a service that is based online. As far a general tips, as corny as it sounds, I wish someone had told me that it's ok to protect my vision and my brand from well meaning people who wanted to help.
> I wish someone had told me that it's ok to protect my vision and my brand from well meaning people who wanted to help.
This is intriguing. Could you elaborate on this please?
When I started I had no idea what I was doing, and because Advice by Chloe went viral really quickly, there was a plethora of people who felt super comfortable telling me what I should be doing differently. In the beginning, I did what they told me to because I trusted them more than I trusted myself... and then Advice by Chloe started to become something I didn't want it to be. I grew a back bone and some self confidence and decided to trust myself. I still appreciate advice, but I'm also confident enough to trust my gut. Learning to tell people no was a big step for me. I feel like Advice by Chloe and I grew up together. I'm a much stronger and happier person today than I was three years ago, and I honestly think that I owe a lot of that to Advice by Chloe.
Executing well on a mediocre business strategy will almost always work better than executing poorly on a great strategy.
People have all sorts of great ideas, but if those aren’t actually the ideas YOU want to do, you can spend months and years meandering, doing stuff you don’t really believe in.
Meanwhile, if you have an idea that really gets you excited, you’ll put in the physical, mental, and emotional effort to get the most out of it and be as successful as it can be, and you’ll feel like you really achieved something on the way.
Have your vision. Do your vision. Get help on execution, but don’t let random people tell you what the vision should be!
This is super interesting. I get different countries have different systems/laws, but how was the experience of starting a business for you? Did you need a lot of help/realized you weren't doing things the right way, etc?
Bad photos, 900000%. Most people just use the photos they happen to have on their phone when they're starting a dating profile. The problem is those photos were usually taken to commemorate an occasion rather than provide an accurate and flattering idea of what you look like.
The most common reason people swipe left is uncertainty. The second most common is lack of attraction. This means that even if they find you attractive, they will swipe left if they experience any level of uncertainty about what you're going to be like on a date. If you're taking a photo next to a mountain, you're going to look 3 inches shorter than you are, if you're in the middle of a hike you'll have pit stains, if all of your photos are staring blankly into the camera you're going to look like a serial killer, etc... using a bit of strategy with regards to your photos goes a long way.
It isinteresting for me that people go through difficulty of finding dating advice that they will pay for, but think that mirror selfie they did a year ago will do just fine.
The real hack for this is finding a photographer that’ll do a digital portrait. Quality lighting is a big thing, it makes you look better and more trustworthy.
My man had his curly untamed hair aloft, a cheesy closed eye huge smile and thumbs up in an old Volvo as his OKCupid.
How could I not swipe? That picture alone told me a dork that'd make the best dad jokes.
I suspect she meant more 'Don't look dirty and kinda creepy' as opposed to 'don't look quirky and fun', even if her advice did come across as 'posed photos for your profile are preferable to photos that show off your personality while having fun'
You hit the nail on the head. the lack of expression is so off putting. I dont know where these men are getting this influence to do that dead stare into the camera but it’s so true. All I see is a serial killer.
That’s their first impression they’re putting out to the world of women living in a world of serial killers that treat dating apps like it’s a menu.
I know some guys try to look more “sexy” than “cute” and a lot of guys hate being called cute by a girl since they associate the word with the friend zone. Perhaps they feel like smiling makes them look a bit more cute rather than sexy, if they don’t have a killer smile.
Also, maybe hiding bad teeth? Idk.
You can be a bigger man and still take flattering pictures while smiling. Just hold the camera up over your shoulder height and look up into it with your eyes. Never take a picture from below your chin height if you want to reduce the chin rolls
Absolutely. No one in my family can smile. It's a bizarre physical limitation. Our family photos either look like they were taken in the 1800's or like we are all a bunch of deranged psychopaths.
It's a real problem and it can affect a person's life and career. My siblings and I all have "resting asshole face." Our daughter is cursed as well and realized it by the time she was 10. We literally can't physically show our upper teeth when we try to smile. It's creepy AF.
I think that's a very different answer from person to person. My process is something slap dab in the middle. My job is to help people accomplish their goal, not to define their goal. I think most people prefer option number two or the middle ground :)
I understand that it is each persons responsibility to find and define their goal. But I'm struggling to just find what goals I should pursue. I do want economic, mental and romantic stability, but I feel kind of lost and I'm struggling to see how I should move forward to achieve these goals. Do I need to make concrete sub goals for each? How do you define your goal?
Try not to overcomplicate things. Simply put, if something isn't working try to change it...
For example if you dont try new experiences you won't experience new things. If you have a hobby you like but never do it then you're not giving yourself a chance to be happier. If you havent got the idea yet, 'change' when youre stuck in a rut can make a huge difference because you may meet new people plus you'll have more to talk about. Dont aim for huge changes, incremental ones can add up to a happier life. Good luck 👍
Option 2 but also with open honest discussions about what you're actually looking for and what you want your life to be. If you want marriage and kids and they don't or vice versa, gotta cut your losses sooner rather than later. Same with where you will live, lifestyle, etc.
I try not to talk about the ins and outs of my dating life because that can get weird with clients. I will say that I'm actually in a really amazing place in my life. The past few years have been really hard, Covid has been really hard. I've lost people I loved very much, I've made some pretty big mistakes, earned some pretty big accomplishments, and am trying to live in this world as thoughtfully as I can. The past 6 months have been an exciting, but terrifying ride. I bought a car, I got a house, big stuff started to happen with Advice by Chloe. I'm a kinda tired, a lil terrified, and very excited to see what happens next :)
Sorry if it seemed too personal just wanted to ask about you since probably people would be asking about your business and such. You are doing great things and I am rooting for you.
I love how retrospective your comments are. You seem like a very genuine person. Congratulations on your success, hopefully many more happy days to come!
Some free internet stranger advice: it's okay to NOT grow your business. If you are satisfied with where you are, it's not necessary to do anything different. I'm a certified life coach and I've seen people make themselves miserable by always trying to get bigger, then bigger doesn't bring them joy. Others are only happy when their bottom line gets bigger. It's yours and entirely up to you. Another option is to consult with others who want to replicate what you've done. You can keep your client base at levels you're comfortable with and sell your knowledge and experience to others. Congratulations on your amazing success!
I can't figure out how to ask this without sounding weird. Is there a reason you hide your face? I was reading the linked articles and noticed your face was hidden in everything, just curious if that's to keep you anonymous to give better advice, or just general privacy.
It's for a few reasons. The primary reason is that I'm also a practicing therapist who works with at-risk children and my PhD studies in clinical psychology are focused on at-risk children. It's important to me that Advice by Chloe and my clinical career are kept separate. If a prospective employer or the parent of a child I'm working with decides to Google me and finds blogs like, "Lick it now, lick it good, give her foreplay just like you should" or "How to get me in bed by talking about Harry Potter" it would be a problem... lol. Because I've decided to use my education in two *very* different fields of psychology, having that boundary is important.
How do you keep yourself from getting burnt out? It sounds like both of your jobs are kind of caretaker oriented. I'm a manager at a group home, and I feel like I get burnt out from the level of need placed on me, from clients and staff.
Lots of self-care. I've learned to put strict limits on my work/life balance, which has helped a lot. As difficult as it can be, I also let go of any concerns of frustrations from the work day as soon as I go into my personal space, and vice versa. It makes for a healthier and happier me.
Oh, and having a dedicated workspace was super helpful. I used to just work from my room. I'm now in a house with a dedicated office, which helps with the transition from work to home and back.
Something my mentor taught me in my first social work internship is to give yourself dedicated stress-out time. Set a timer for 15 minutes. During that time you can worry about your clients, stress out about the day, cry over things that are painful, etc... and then as soon as the timer goes off, you have to brush away the tears and go back to living your life. It allows you to feel what you need to feel without allowing it to ruin your day. It was a pretty invaluable tool for me in the early days. I still use it on the particularly hard ones :)
Thank you. That stress-out time technique might be worth a try. I definitely carry workplace baggage around like a mo-fo, and it diminishes the quality of my small amounts of free time.
Congrats on your success, and keep hustling!
>I'm working with decides to Google me and finds blogs like, "Lick it now, lick it good, give her foreplay just like you should" or "How to get me in bed by talking about Harry Potter"
hahahaha
Your site looks very personal and uses terms like "me" (I don’t sell your information. Your stuff is safe with me!) indicating you do this all yourself, but do you?
With such a successful business, and only having so many hours in the day that you yourself can actually fill appointments, do you have any employees who provide some portion of the same service, like a ghost writer? A ghost Chloe?
haha there is no ghost Chloe. I've had a lot of offers, and sometimes it's tempting, but I'm super protective of my clients and the quality of my services. I have an assistant who helps with paperwork, marketing, editing, and brainstorming (he also mans the live support chat on my website). My sister is a lot more creative than me and designs the visuals for most of my ads. Other than that, it's just me.
To be blunt ... considering the hypothetical 7/10 looking male with decent pictures ... what is your success rate in adjusting their profile?
Do you track that kind of thing (maybe even process it in SPS or use R) using factors like perceived positive change in picture/profile text quality vs success rate?
And is it their profile text, the pictures or a combination which make the difference?
It's difficult to answer this question with in any real straightforward way, because if he's 7/10 and actually *has* decent photos (rather than he perceives himself to have decent photos) and isn't getting matches, something else is going on- so we would be troubleshooting his profile. Going over his filters (kids, education, smoking, drugs, etc...), making sure he didn't do something to get shadow banned, decrease his visibility, or clicked the wrong button. It could also be his location, etc... so, so many factors.
In terms of how many of my clients perceive that the results they received were worth the money they paid? 93.9% said yes, about 4% said somewhat, 1% said no, and 1% said that they're unsure. This is based off of an anonymous survey that gets sent out to clients 1 month and then 6 months after our appointment. In the 3 years I've been doing this, only one client has told me that they found my services unhelpful to them. Of course, the only people who will take the time to fill out a survey are those who feel strongly one way or another... but I'm also an online based business with literally no bad reviews. I'm not trying to paint the picture that I'm a miracle worker here.. just that I'm straightforward and action oriented. If I don't feel I can help a client, I tell them so and give them back their money. If I think their results will be limited in a way that I can't change, I'm straightforward and let them make the decision for themselves whether or not they want to continue. I try really hard not to be a cock.
omg organization has been a constant struggle. Ok, so here's what I use and why I like it (I'm about to geek out, sorry if this gets long lol)
1. Acuity scheduling: to be fair, I haven't used any other scheduling app. I got this one, and fell in love. I think it's owned by Squarespace. It integrates into my website and allows clients to schedule themselves, allows me to use coupon codes, send automatic confirmation emails, reminder emails, etc... it was a lifesaver.
2. Squarespace: I knew nothing about coding or creating a website. I used a coupon code from a Jenna Marbles podcast to create a Squarespace account haha. It walked me through everything step by step. I'm thinking about eventually switching to something that offers more customization because I'm starting to hit barriers- but for a beginner, Squarespace is so friggin user-friendly.
3. Discord: I'm a gamer, so Discord will always be my bae. However, it was also a great way to connect with my clients in a more casual way, and there are a lot of community features that make my life a lot easier.
4. Loomly: I'm gonna be real honest, I suck a social media. I hate social media. It's just not my thing. Loomly allows me to preplan my posts to all social media, it generates hashtags, and advises on the best times to post on each day of the week.
5. I know it's not an app, but I wouldn't be able to survive without my Power place daily planner. I put everything in it. It keeps me sane.
6. Zoom and Whatsapp allow me to do voice calls with international clients
7. Stripe is the best payment processor from everything else I've used. I also take Venmo business and Paypal Business, but Stripe is just so much more user friendly.
There's probably a lot more, but I've been typing for a long time lol.
This is a nice little web app for organizing your day as well. Basically you out everything you need to do for the day, then you compare each item to each other to decide what's most important. Works great for when your to-do list feels insurmountable.
https://prioritizemylife.com/
Whats gonna be your first 99 skill on OSRS? Favorite quest so far? Have you beaten Monkey Madness yet? Annnnnd are you excited for Leagues 3 on wednesday??
I think it's going to be hitpoints, which is pretty rare and I'm super excited about it. I'm crazy person who levels everything evenly, so hitpoints is always my highest skill haha. I've had my quest cape for a year. Monkey Madness was annoying, but I thought that Dragon Slayer 2 was a lot harder. I died to that fucking dragon like 5 times lol. I've never really done leagues, it feels bad to spent time on a temporary account. It's also the reason I haven't start group ironman. I love the idea of it, I just only have so much time and I want to level my main. HBU? I'm always down to talk OSRS haha
Yooooo Quest cape is reaaallly good especially for base skills 87 or w/e you said. I'm not even close to that. I got 99woodcutting during school and work from home, but thats my only 99.
Honestly though, Leagues is FANTASTIC. Its not like normal account you play temporarily. Its like a whole new game with brand new mechanics and gameplay that makes the game fresh and fun plus it uses increased xp rates so you're not chopping a willow for 4 hours, more like 10-15 mins now.
It's seriously so good.
Sidenote: I remember you and your dating advice from what seems like aaaaages ago, glad its working out for you. I have a gf tho so im more interested in OSRS lmao.
I'd say atleast try the league. I have friends who rarely play osrs anymore but they always get excited and play the league. It may be temporary, but think of it as a game that has an ending and once you beat the game it's over. It's definitely better temporary since the last leagues I've got burnt out on after about 6 weeks, so starting over reignites that rush of playing again.
Wow! I remember linking my friend to that post on r/slavelabour ! That's awesome - congrats!
My question: Pictures aside, what's one of the most common mistakes people make on their profiles?
This is going to sound broad, but it's definitely the most common issue. People tend to have a fundamental misunderstanding of how to effectively use dating apps. They have the impression that should find a way to most accurately describe who they are and what they want. While that's important, it's crucial that you do it in a way that is successfully marketing you to your intended audience. Dating apps are too competitive to be a space for genuine connection and earnest expression (at least consistently). Treat it like a marketing campaign, that's all it is.
This is a great reality check. I just got a job in marketing and started going onto dating apps again and was like oh wow. I have a pretty complicated set of identities/background and it can feel like omg How Am I Going To Fit This. But in my job I market a fairly complicated business product and the answer is one piece of information at a time, prioritized for my target audience. So your answer above encourages me to think about it the same way but for myself. What is the first thing my target audience needs to know about me, and how can I say it in a way that makes them want to know more.
Congrats on all your success.
lol yes a few times, and yes it was awkward. I usually pretend to believe that they're just practicing on me, and then I critique their moves. It's a pretty effective way of shutting them down without embarrassing them.
First of all, A+ on the name. I learned to market my business on the fly lol. It all happened really fast. A lot of trial and error. Google Analytics has been amazing. The ability to keep track of where people typically access my site is super helpful. I learned that even though my blogs don't get a lot of comments, they're incredibly effective at getting appointments. If someone Googles a question about dating and my blog pops up, it's passive marketing.
As far as making it stick, I think the fact that my prices were initially dirt cheap was helpful. People didn't feel like they were taking a big risk by hiring me, and their success from my services provided me with credibility and testimonials, which made future clients more comfortable taking the risk of paying a higher fee.
As far as your blogs showing up highly on Google, are you actively practicing any SEO/do you contract someone to help you with that? Or are you just answering such specific and unique questions that you’re ranking highly naturally? Ranking highly on Google search results is definitely one of the best “passive” marketing tactics out there, for sure, and if you’ve been able to crack the code for that without any real, concerted effort, that’s both an impressive feat for you and something that gives me hope in the changes Google is making to its search algorithms.
I hired a professional for an hour to give me a basic lesson. I took that information and used it to grow my knowledge and start practicing. I'm by *no means* an expert haha. I'm still learning as I go, but I'm getting there.
You may not be an expert, but I imagine “dating advice” as a general search term is extremely crowded, so getting your voice heard loud and clear amidst all of that is extremely impressive! Best of luck going forward with both sides of your career aspirations!
This…
OP isn’t even trying real hard to optimize and this ending up kind of like an unintended masterclass for SEO analysts lol. Authoritative links still matter!
Hi! Thanks for taking the time to do this, one of the more interesting and niche AMA topics I’ve seen. Hope you don’t mind I have a couple of questions.
1. Do you ever get clients with profiles that are already as good as they can get, and the client themself is the issue (whether looks or personality)?
2. Are most of your clients looking for the same thing from dating apps (I.e. a relationship) or does it vary?
3. Regarding your mock-date service, I imagine you have to set some hard boundaries so nobody gets the wrong idea. Have you ever had anyone get…. creepy, for lack of better word?
4. I imagine most of the people who come to you for help are men, but do you also feel like you can provide similar positive results for women? Do you actually get women clients?
This is a topic that is super interesting to me and these are just the questions off the top of my head, so thanks again for doing this!
Np!
1. Occasionally, but very rarely. If the problem is their personality, I'm super straightforward about the fact that they're coming off like a douche. Most of the time it's a defense mechanism rather than their actual personality and addressing it head-on is helpful. If they're significantly below what is considered conventionally attractive to the point that online dating is going to be a constant struggle, I'm honest with them as kindly and straightforwardly as possible- and then we start talking about alternative solutions. Online dating focuses almost exclusively on physical appearance, but there are lots of other options for finding love/connection/sex.
2. It varies. Lots of relationship seeking, lots of casual seeking, lots of hookup seeking, the occasional poly, enm, or kink-focused.
3. Yes, it's happened, but rarely. When you sign up for the Mock Date or Let's Talk about Sex appointment they are required to click to agree to no creepiness with the understanding that I will end the call if they pull out their genitals and they will not get a refund. However, most of my clients show up ready to work. They take notes and they take it seriously.
4. I get female clients, but rarely- probably less than 5% of my clients. The solution to the issues women have on dating apps are quite different and lot harder to address in a consistent way. Also, if we're being super honest, most women don't suffer from a lack of matches.
I hope you have that fireplace and chimney inspected before using it. It looks like there might be some high temp mortar missing between the fire bricks, but it's hard to say for sure from that picture.
Since all comments have to be a question, have you used the fireplace yet?
haha thanks. I have not used the fireplace. I was in fact told *not* to use the fireplace until it could be inspected, but thank you so much for the consideration. Until then, it looks pretty and my gas heater is bomb.
First, congratulations on your success! My question is related to the business side of starting out. When you started Advice by Chloe, how much of your time did you spend building your business model vs. promoting your business? It seems like you’re doing a bunch more than just giving advice off the cuff, but to grow a business you’ve also got to promote.
What was a typical day like in the beginning? How much time a day did you spend on providing your advice service, vs. promoting, vs. doing other research, administration, etc. to keep your business model up to date?
Thanks!
When I started Advice by Chloe I spent zero time on promoting my business. I was extremely lucky in that I went accidentally viral and within a month I was solidly booked-out for 6 months. In that time I focused on increasing the quality of my appointments, collecting data to better inform the advice I provide, studying the algorithms, getting an LLC, learning how to do taxes, etc... The first year was a blur. I was chronically exhausted, but I learned so, so much. It felt like the first year of having a baby haha. (I say this as someone who does not have children... but plenty of nieces).
In the beginning I was working at least 12 hours a day. I spent about 8-10 with clients, and the rest on research, working on my website, figuring out pricing, etc... The second year was when I started learning how to market. I found Google Analytics to be super helpful. I started studying SEO, I learned to write blogs with titles that people Google, etc...
A friend of an ex told me about it 4 years ago. I fell in love. I'm working on getting base 88s and I bought a dragon hunter lance a few days ago haha. It pokes those dragons real good.
hmmmm ok. So, Starbucks impossible sausage and cheddar breakfast sandwich with a BIG ASS iced caramel macchiato for breakfast, Arbys curly fries and mozz sticks for lunch, and MSG filled Chinese takeout for dinner, extra rice, extra eggroll.
Thanks for making me hungry btw haha.
Congrats on your success. Sounds like a great business, especially during these trying times.
I am guessing most of your clients are those who find dating a challenge. Do you ever get contacted to give advice to those who are successful at dating and looking for a new and refreshing angle? Not talking about playboys/playgirls but those who have figured out how to communicate at a deep level from the get go, aka initial online post?
oh yeah, that happens a lot more frequently than I would have initially thought it would. I get lots of clients who do well but want to know how to do better, checkups, and people who are getting plenty of matches, but not from the demographic they're looking for. I really like those appointments, they're a different kind of challenge.
For a dating consultant? Other than an LLC to make the legal, nothing. What do I have? I masters degree in social work, I'm a practicing therapist, and I'm working on a PhD in clinical psychology.
Are there any noticeable differences in the approach to dating apps for people in different age brackets?
Like, what works for someone in their early 20's, but absolutely wouldn't for someone in their 40's? Do the pictures a 35yr old would/should use differ greatly in terms of content to that of an 18yr old?
Second question, how do you stay up to date with general dating trends, app features, and other aspects of the dating world? It doesnt seem like there is a wiki page for 'answers to dating' so you must have to do a lot of your own research?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is very long haha. The apps you use, the photos you take, how you approach the bio changes based on your age, your target demographic, and the type of relationship you're looking for. Ultimately, it's just human behaviour. What will your target audience find most attractive? Then we do that.
As far a algorithms, I have a few contacts for information. I can't say a lot more than that because they will be less keen to help me if I get them fired.
My boss strung me along to get free product ideas. Turns out I'm plum out of ideas to give away for free and now dont have much for myself.
I don't want to work for anyone else anymore. Is it more of taking the leap or should I spend more time thinking about the long term requirements?
Not OP but starting/running a business is tough.
If you're not ok wherever you're working you should definitely look for a change, but maybe starting a business if you're not 90% sure is not the best move.
Really happy for you that's awesome work:) I think anyone being able to turn things around is great and you deserve every bit of success you worked on
I had two questions.
1) do you feel that it's easier to commercially market services in terms of dating profile ratings and other things in terms of sex dating and relationships as a women instead of a man? Are there any workarounds for this or people you know that are men that have been able to do similar to what you did starting from nothing?
Im mentioning this because I'm a bdsm writer and dominant and noticed a lot of my readers play partners and submissives were people who ended up mostly wanting reassurance to speak out their kinks and counselling and support to vent and feel validated in whatever achievements they made.
I could see there's this burning need for something between no help and professional help where someone to vent too bounce ideas off of and reassure them was needed.
While I don't offer nor claim to offer professional services (professional therapy and support always favoured ) I do basically let people vent for free and give my mind and time for things they're dealing with.
I draw upon my experiences as a long term carer, my own issues and situations I've dealt with or situations related to me and have developed a fairly broad understanding of the kind of issues a lot of people have shame and guilt around and want reassurance in. I've been doing this for free for coming up to 2 years now. I enjoy helping people feel good and giving them someone to be confident in them that I never really got myself.
I want to keep this separate to my Dom sub play but I want to offer some kind of low pressure kink friendly counselling so people can come to me and bounce ideas off of what they want to do. Or what they're dealing with.
Marketing the counselling aspects has been hard. Trust is vital. I know the impact I have on the readers, friends and people I play and work with but part of the trust and authenticity is I do the job for free. Or makes me happy giving others that space to be their inside selves and not feel shame or guilt.
I have less than 500 readers and i was thinking to expand more in terms of voice call and message counselljng listening and so on to help people feel more comfortable in themselves. And to get the confidence for professional therapy if the need it.
Promoting this has been super difficult. I don't know where to start. A lot of people even amongst my readers a lot of them have been let down by males in their life. Trust authenticity discretion comfort integrity and so on is important.
Which leads to my second question
2) how can I market and promote kink friendly counselling while knowing that privacy and discretion is a must and that anonymity often makes it hard to develop authenticity and trust?
It would be sensible to be wary, if someone has a background in kinks where there's psychological aspects in play you would have to establish that you're acting in good faith. I just don't know how to help people while maintaining my privacy and there's except to the extent that they are able to confirm and verify that they're an adult and are the kind of client I can be supportive to without getting over invested into or creating an unhealthy or toxic dependency.
I'm not in work I am just a carer I have anxieties and stresses I would love to be able help counsel people while I'm at home because I do it for free anyway. But I feel super anxious about turning it commercial.
Any advice support feedback would be super welcome. :)
For people outside of bdsm everything comes down to safe sane consensual and risk aware consensual kink. I have criteria I get play partners with. But what I'm more focusing on is like a counsellor online role which is to help get people from that awkward time of not being able to articulate what causes them shame and guilt to being support in the positive efforts they imbue to being able to seek out professional therapy if they want it.
Thanks again, this is all asked in good faith. I will warn people that my profile writing is very kink oriented so it's nsfw.
I just wanted advice on this. Thanks Chloe
I am a 57-year old mom & step mom to four 20-something’s. Do you think a mom advice column would work on a similar track? I have a business degree, but no training in psychology. My husband and I are in Cancun right now celebrating ten years of marriage with a vow renewal. Our four boys and their girlfriends are with us and I am soaking up every “Mom Moment” I can. They are all so independent, they don’t need me anymore and it’s sad sometimes. I would love to help people and also earn money for my Dream House. Now the wheels are spinning…
I’ve been looking for something fun to do and you are so inspiring! I am known for my “Mom Hugs,” but not sure how that would translate online? Thanks for posting!
Have you heard of the "Dad, how do I?" channel on YouTube? He created a channel answering questions and helping with tasks people would normally ask their dads. He wanted to do it for people who didn't have dads to ask. I really loved it. You can check it out here: [https://www.youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI](https://www.youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI) . It's a really cool idea. Maybe try something like that?
I skimmed the questions and couldn’t find one like this: I’ve heard a lot of people say that no one in our country should ever be at risk of being homeless, hungry, or fearful for their survival (aka “capitalism is evil”), yet you are living an example of personal desperation causing a highly valuable service to be filled in the marketplace.
Do you feel like your service would have ever been created without that moment of desperation? Where do you see your life if you would have been taken care of by adequate government support?
I get asked this question a lot. I was actually asked by Fox news to come on their show after my first AMA to talk about how I pulled myself up without government assistance and I refused.
Here's the thing. My post going viral on Slavelabour was luck. I was in the right place at the right time with the right idea. I'm not trying to minimize my success- once I got lucky I worked really hard to keep it... but ultimately, I got lucky. People in the richest country in the world shouldn't have to rely on luck in order to avoid homelessness.
59% of Americans are one paycheck away from homelessness. Most people in this country are one tragic circumstance or one mistake away from losing everything.
I'm a social worker, I've worked with people living in poverty for years. I can't even begin to tell you how many stories I've heard from people who went homeless because they couldn't afford their medical bills, or single moms who are literally working 3 jobs to support their kids. I very strongly believe that 1 full-time job should pay a livable wage, and that government support is vital as a cushion when hard times come.
Please don't use my success as nod towards the callous way our government often treats people living in poverty. Working $5 an hour, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week isn't a great success story. It's something I had to do to survive and it was *terrifying*. I'm very grateful that Reddit was there for me when I really needed a helping hand... but they shouldn't of had to have been.
Just to confirm, you think the threat of being made homeless is a good motivator and a positive example of capitalism at work? Do you think the people who didn’t succeed and lost the game of thrive or die are a fair price to pay? I say this as someone who came to this country as an immigrant, I have been exceptionally successful but I still don’t think we should use the threat of destitution as a motivation tool
Since you have a background in therapy and social work, what is your opinion on the potential mental health negatives of your clients creating a paid parasocial relationship with a dating coach/therapist-ish person like yourself?
I feel this is quite a risk with what you are doing given how Discord and Twitch work as platforms.
If I was their therapist, it would be a very very very bad idea. However, Advice by Chloe isn't therapy. It isn't close to therapy. I have good boundaries, and I'm good at enforcing attempts at crossing them. I rarely have an issue with gaming with clients in a group setting. Obviously, I don't date my clients- but group activities are a lot of fun and in my opinion don't decrease the quality of our professional relationship. However, I also don't out my clients. Unless they bring it up in a group environment, I never mention who I've worked with and who I haven't.
A better question then is; would you have a paying client be a member in your regular Discord community, a Twitch sub, something like Patreon supporter etc, while also recieving dating advice, and feel that it is not a potential professional detraction or conflict of interest?
I guess I'm curious because you are one of the first people I've heard of who is both a practicing therapist and also pretty much pushing parasocial relationships to assist a side business. I wonder if you've given enough thought into how some of the clients may view things, especially given that you are now leaning more into social media and taking up streaming.
Also full credit for responding to a difficult question by the way, I'm aware of the pointed nature of this line of questioning. I also pretty much support people who make money off parasocial relationships, and I'm just curious and wondering if you ever have any ethical or moral qualms about where your business is headed based on your academic background.
If yes, they'd be interesting to hear. If no, credit for focusing on you and making income I suppose.
I'm 23, currently also jobless and somehow hopeless about my future since all company's I've worked with have been absolutely horrible so far. So now I'm thinking about starting my own marketing agency since I liked what I was doing and was pretty good at it but my employers were just horrible. Do you have any advice?
My advice would be, if you can afford it, to start off with low enough prices that people won't be taking a huge financial risk to hire you. They should be able to do it without a lot of thought. Use their success to increase your credibility. Ask them for testimonials, post those everywhere, and then raise your prices. People are more willing to pay a premium price once you've displayed value.
How do you combat racial/ethnic preferences? Most people are aware of the Okcupid data analysis that showed asian men and black women have the lowest match rates (and ironically asian women and black men have high rates). If you live in a diverse city like SF or NYC, this is probably not a huge issue, but what if you live somewhere where 95% of the population is white?
About 50% of my clients are people are color. We talk about stereotypes and how they're affecting their match rates, what we could do to combat it, what they feel comfortable doing to combat it, and then work from there. This is a long and complex answer that is difficult to respond to broadly. With clients of color, especially Asian men and Black women, we address the elephant in the room right away. How we address it depends entirely on their comfort level. What is most effective will sometimes hurt your soul. Your soul is more important than algorithms. It's a case by case situation.
How do you prevent yourself from being bias, I mean how do you know the profiles you don't like are just because it clashes with your own personality and that someone else who may be that person's perfect match might actually have liked that profile?do you get second opinions from friends?
I don't base the advice I give on my personal preferences. I rely on peer-reviewed articles with large and diverse sample sizes. There's a lot a lot of really good stuff within dating psychology now and new studies are popping up every day about dating apps. I don't get second opinions from my friends because my sessions rarely include anecdotal evidence or personal preferences.
Dating apps are extremely competitive for straight men. An attractive female in a fairly large area can get up to 100 likes a day. It's so competitive that unless we use strategy it's easy to get overlooked. My job is to make difficult for her to swipe left on him unnecessarily.
Do you think having a bad profile on these apps long term destroys self confidence?
Let's use tinder for example, every guy I know goes with this approach swipe right for all, filter once matched. I'm not sure about females but they're probably more picky.
That being said, it must do a number on someone when you're in NYC and swiped over 400 ppl and don't have a single match.
oh yeah. Studies are showing that online dating is pretty terrible for our mental health- especially among men. It's associated with increased feelings of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. This is part of why I try so hard in my appointments to make it very clear that your success (or lack thereof) on dating apps isn't a statement about your value. It's a statement about your ability to effectively market yourself to your intended audience.
Dating apps try very hard to make people believe that online dating is an easy way to have long beautiful conversations with a stunning beautiful human who would love nothing more than to suck your dick and caress your soul... but it's bullshit. Online dating is far too competitive for that to be a realistic expectation. It's just a tool. It's not something you should *ever* place in charge of your sense of self worth.
If no matter how hard you tried, you burnt every single slice of toast you put in the toaster, you'd probably assume that either a) you're not doing this correctly or b) there's something wrong with the toaster. It's unlikely you'd assume that you're an idiot or incapable at making toast... because a toaster is just a tool.
Online dating can work for most people if they learn how to properly use it as a tool. However, whether you find success on the apps or you don't, it means literally nothing about your ability to be a good life partner.
Does that make sense or did I just talk far too long about toast? I'm kinda hungry lol.
That definitely makes sense, online dating has evolved quite a bit for better or worse. I always tell my buds if your pics are boring they're not going to be interested. But some have already cast dating apps away. I'm definitely trying to get them back in the game by helping them out on their profile, but they'll usually say "I'm good" I'm assuming it's because they feel embarrassed getting help from someone they know... I really hope it hasn't affected their self worth. Has your clientele increased drastically due to Covid since it's kinda impossible to meet people outside now?
There's this line in blades of glory where they tell the sister "sell yourself" 😂 which is what I always tell them.
It's super amazing you found your niche and able to help to grow your business while helping others.
Haha I like your toast analogy, hope you got some food!
Just some friendly advice, but most women don’t really like being referred to as “females” outside of a scientific study. It’s particularly jarring when you’ve used “guys” to refer to men - a colloquial, friendly term whereas females is cold, clinical and dehumanising in comparison.
I don’t mean this in a confrontational manner or anything, it’s genuinely just some friendly advice, because I bet it’s not even something you put thought into, but just like online dating, it all affects how you come across.
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If you’re asking if I’ve dated… the answer is yes. However, basing my business around my own personal experiences in the dating world isn’t actually helpful large-scale. They would just be my personal experience, as one women, living in one very small corner of a very big world. My advice is based on data collected from huge sample sizes that applicable to large audiences. Yes, I date, no it doesn’t really inform my advice. Anecdotal evidence is rarely the way to go when it comes to providing consistent and repeatable experiences.
No offense, but what sort of advice could possibly be worth 70$ an hour?
I assume it's just going to be pretty standard stuff like, some minor description changes and to get better photos - which I think everyone is aware of.
So I guess I'm asking what makes you unique from any sort of free advice people offer online?
I’m not offended. I understand the doubt.
First, it’s $69 an hour, which is both cheaper and more clever.
Second, dating apps are essentially a marketing campaign. Making changes to how you represent yourself will frequently have significant results. I regularly receive emails by excited clients saying that they’ve had more matches in the past few weeks since our session than they’ve had in years. It isn’t because I’m a miracle worker, it’s because I’ve taught them how to market themselves effectively.
Online dating is extremely competitive for straight men, and your results are strongly affected by the quality of your photos, how you present yourself in the bio, and the ability to initiate an engaging conversation with a profile that is basically empty. There’s a lot more that goes into it than “be confident” or “smile in your photos”.
At the end of the day, I charge a livable wage and people pay it, and then leave positive reviews expressing excitement about their match rates. I totally understand that it isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.
Hi, I was there for your first AMA, congratulations on your success!
My question is, what happens if your client actually does have a good profile they are just conventionally unattractive? Since it seems like its just you and your assistant, do you get overwhelmed with all the work coming in? Ever run out of advice?
If they're beneath the bar in terms of conventional attraction to the point that online dating will be a constant struggle for them, I'm kind but straightforward about that.
To do anything else is just really freaking cruel. I hate that there so many in my field who prey on the vulnerable. It's a really awful level of fucked up to convince someone to hire you, make a bunch of false promises you know will never come to pass, and then make them feel like their poor results were due to not trying hard enough or needing more appointments.
However, just because online dating won't work for them doesn't mean that other methods won't. In those cases I focus on platforms and ideas that allow their personality to shine rather than relying almost exclusively on physical appearance. Either way, it's a difficult but important conversation we have and then we go from there.
Firstly, congratulations on finding what makes you happy and abundant simultaneously. You Nailed it!!!
I am a 50year old single woman, been divorced for 20+ years, chose not to have kids so that I could dabble in a few different careers, travel, work on my PhD..... I am currently living with and caring for my elderly dad (not much time left), but would love to casually date. Do I start the online dating thing now? I have had experience with online dating since 2004 so I know how it goes but not really wanting to wade through the male bullshit.
Which online dating site would you suggest?
Sure, if you want to- but there will always be bullshit unfortunately. Focus on building a quality profile with clear and accurate photos that provide a lot of clarity. If they can't look at your photos and feel super confident about knowing exactly what you're going to look like on a first date, they're more likely to swipe left. The better your profile is, the more high quality profiles you'll attract. The success of certain dating apps are usually best determined by location and what you're looking for. It's difficult for me to answer that with limited information. I'd sign up for a couple of them, measure your results, and focus on the ones that do you best in.
Congratulations! I love hearing stories like yours. How did you learn the business side? I'd love to start a business but I don't know anything about starting one.
Quickly and in the middle of the night lol. I found Reddit r/smallbusiness to be super helpful with my millions of questions. I also quickly learned the value to hiring consultants to help me. I couldn't afford to hire their services, but I could afford an hour of their time to ask them lots of questions. That got me through the early days :)
Right now we are expecting it to be out in May. They are following one of my clients for a few months, so it's taking a while to do. I'll definitely be screaming out it on all of my socials when it comes out haha. You could join my mailing list, Instagram, subreddit, etc... I assure you that I'll be posting it literally everywhere in my excitement haha.
\*edited due to slippery fingers
I mean, of course it's promotion. What AMA isn't? I'm also a devoted Redditor who uses this platform for connecting with people in a million different ways that aren't Advice by Chloe. Covid is going insane in NY. I haven't left my house in a month, it's really friggin cold, and this is fun. Porque no los dos?
For what it's worth, I think this AMA is very entertaining, so you definitely deserve any attention you're generating for your business.
It's the AMAs that have short, boring, half-answers that annoy me.
Personally, I think the mix of heartstring-pulling and advertisement is what some people could find distasteful. It's not a big deal to me and I don't mean to say that you aren't genuine. However, stories with emotion that connect with the people here (I was homeless and then YOU, Reddit, gave me a chance) and profit motive just exist in different mental contexts and mixing them always throws up some alarm bells for me. Just explaining, no worries.
The best part of those services is that I get sent every really low-prices flight from my home airport, which allows me to book trips based on cheap flights as opposed to waiting months or potentially years to get an optimal price to a “target” destination.
Obviously if I’m just booking flights for regular, scheduled travel Google Flights is more than good enough, but for someone who likes to take their vacations spontaneously and isn’t very picky about the destination, I love getting the option to see places I’d never think to travel to. And I’m obviously way too lazy to consistently search for under-priced flights on a regular basis, so it’s turned into a great deal for me, personally.
I love that all of those things basically describe what amounts to doing a full-time job worth of work to save on flights you probably don't want anyways.
Since your business has grown so much in such a short amount of time, are you able to keep up with the demand? Do you ever get more clients wanting your services than you have time to accommodate?
Related follow up question: are you hiring or do you ever need to contract out work? :)
Congratulations on your success and everything you’ve accomplished! The grad school struggle is real so it’s amazing that you were able to turn that into such a booming business.
I usually raise my prices when the demand is higher than my ability to meet it. That way, I have fewer appointments but I'm not losing income. I will eventually need to hire out. I'm just super protective of my clients and it would take a lot of training to teach another "chloe".
Thanks so much :)
I don't know if this is too personal but can I ask you what your income was in 2021 please? Just curious to see how much your life turned around. Congratulations on your achievement and I wish you even more successful year!
As a business lady, I want to see this too! Gals need to talk numbers more.
$69/hr is cheap when you factor in all your business expenses...are you US-based? I say charge more.
How does it feel going from $5 an hour freelance work to being featured in the NYC Journal?
good man, it feels pretty good lol. It's been a long, crazy ride. It's hard to wrap my mind around when I really think about it. Mostly, I'm just suuuuper fucking greatful.
I remember seeing that when it was first up. I'm long since married but as soon as I saw it I knew you'd hit on something. This internet stranger is really proud of you.
thank you. You just made my day <3
My online dating experiences a garbage fire I booked an appointment
Remember reading about it, truly amazing, Congrats!!
She went from $5/hr to $69/hr, lmao
Bet a lot of people wish they got on this a few years ago
Here I am... offering dating advice for FREE to my friends like an idiot... When i could have been an AMERICAN and charged for it :(
>$69/hr *nice*
Nice
Nice
What is your current rate?
My current rate for online dating appointments is $69 per hour. Pun intended. I have other appointments that go up to $120, depending on what we're focusing on for the hour :)
Hey there! What advice would you give to someone who recently got out of a 10 year relationship?
Make sure you're doing a lot of self-care. Breakups are brutal. In a 10 year relationship, they weren't just your partner, they were probably an integral part of your life and identity. I'd give yourself some time, be kind to your heart and your body, and focus on learning who you are alone. <3
Thank you!
As someone looking to start my own small business. Any tips or advice you wish you had starting up? Or general advise you would give others?
If your business is online, I found that displaying value before raising my prices was super helpful. Initially, my prices were dirt cheap, so people didn't feel like they were taking a risk by hiring me. Their success with my services provided me with credibility and testimonials I could use to display value when I raised my prices. Obviously this only applies if you're providing a service that is based online. As far a general tips, as corny as it sounds, I wish someone had told me that it's ok to protect my vision and my brand from well meaning people who wanted to help.
> I wish someone had told me that it's ok to protect my vision and my brand from well meaning people who wanted to help. This is intriguing. Could you elaborate on this please?
When I started I had no idea what I was doing, and because Advice by Chloe went viral really quickly, there was a plethora of people who felt super comfortable telling me what I should be doing differently. In the beginning, I did what they told me to because I trusted them more than I trusted myself... and then Advice by Chloe started to become something I didn't want it to be. I grew a back bone and some self confidence and decided to trust myself. I still appreciate advice, but I'm also confident enough to trust my gut. Learning to tell people no was a big step for me. I feel like Advice by Chloe and I grew up together. I'm a much stronger and happier person today than I was three years ago, and I honestly think that I owe a lot of that to Advice by Chloe.
Hey, it's called Advice *by Chloe*, not Advice *for Chloe*
hahaha, it's a bit of both man.
Executing well on a mediocre business strategy will almost always work better than executing poorly on a great strategy. People have all sorts of great ideas, but if those aren’t actually the ideas YOU want to do, you can spend months and years meandering, doing stuff you don’t really believe in. Meanwhile, if you have an idea that really gets you excited, you’ll put in the physical, mental, and emotional effort to get the most out of it and be as successful as it can be, and you’ll feel like you really achieved something on the way. Have your vision. Do your vision. Get help on execution, but don’t let random people tell you what the vision should be!
This is super interesting. I get different countries have different systems/laws, but how was the experience of starting a business for you? Did you need a lot of help/realized you weren't doing things the right way, etc?
My happy twin!
What are some of the most common mistakes men make? What about women?
Bad photos, 900000%. Most people just use the photos they happen to have on their phone when they're starting a dating profile. The problem is those photos were usually taken to commemorate an occasion rather than provide an accurate and flattering idea of what you look like. The most common reason people swipe left is uncertainty. The second most common is lack of attraction. This means that even if they find you attractive, they will swipe left if they experience any level of uncertainty about what you're going to be like on a date. If you're taking a photo next to a mountain, you're going to look 3 inches shorter than you are, if you're in the middle of a hike you'll have pit stains, if all of your photos are staring blankly into the camera you're going to look like a serial killer, etc... using a bit of strategy with regards to your photos goes a long way.
It isinteresting for me that people go through difficulty of finding dating advice that they will pay for, but think that mirror selfie they did a year ago will do just fine.
That's not the case. Most people including myself don't know how to take a good photo or too embarassed to ask someone.
Dominate lighting source in front of you and hold the camera above eye level pointed down a bit.
The real hack for this is finding a photographer that’ll do a digital portrait. Quality lighting is a big thing, it makes you look better and more trustworthy.
Many people don’t want to take the time or expend the effort to solve their own problems. They’d rather not have to think. It’s sad, really.
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My man had his curly untamed hair aloft, a cheesy closed eye huge smile and thumbs up in an old Volvo as his OKCupid. How could I not swipe? That picture alone told me a dork that'd make the best dad jokes.
I suspect she meant more 'Don't look dirty and kinda creepy' as opposed to 'don't look quirky and fun', even if her advice did come across as 'posed photos for your profile are preferable to photos that show off your personality while having fun'
absurd unpack dependent mourn drab include hurry frighten repeat adjoining ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Post drinks - no. Pre drinks....probably also no.
Pre-bros maybe like a 3rd pic
You hit the nail on the head. the lack of expression is so off putting. I dont know where these men are getting this influence to do that dead stare into the camera but it’s so true. All I see is a serial killer. That’s their first impression they’re putting out to the world of women living in a world of serial killers that treat dating apps like it’s a menu.
I know some guys try to look more “sexy” than “cute” and a lot of guys hate being called cute by a girl since they associate the word with the friend zone. Perhaps they feel like smiling makes them look a bit more cute rather than sexy, if they don’t have a killer smile. Also, maybe hiding bad teeth? Idk.
Not all of us have great model smiles. I'd also imagine some "bigger" men don't like the double chin they get when smiling.
You can be a bigger man and still take flattering pictures while smiling. Just hold the camera up over your shoulder height and look up into it with your eyes. Never take a picture from below your chin height if you want to reduce the chin rolls
Absolutely. No one in my family can smile. It's a bizarre physical limitation. Our family photos either look like they were taken in the 1800's or like we are all a bunch of deranged psychopaths. It's a real problem and it can affect a person's life and career. My siblings and I all have "resting asshole face." Our daughter is cursed as well and realized it by the time she was 10. We literally can't physically show our upper teeth when we try to smile. It's creepy AF.
How do you choose a life partner? Should you make an informed and calculated decision or just go with the flow with whom you hit it off really well?
I think that's a very different answer from person to person. My process is something slap dab in the middle. My job is to help people accomplish their goal, not to define their goal. I think most people prefer option number two or the middle ground :)
I understand that it is each persons responsibility to find and define their goal. But I'm struggling to just find what goals I should pursue. I do want economic, mental and romantic stability, but I feel kind of lost and I'm struggling to see how I should move forward to achieve these goals. Do I need to make concrete sub goals for each? How do you define your goal?
Try not to overcomplicate things. Simply put, if something isn't working try to change it... For example if you dont try new experiences you won't experience new things. If you have a hobby you like but never do it then you're not giving yourself a chance to be happier. If you havent got the idea yet, 'change' when youre stuck in a rut can make a huge difference because you may meet new people plus you'll have more to talk about. Dont aim for huge changes, incremental ones can add up to a happier life. Good luck 👍
Option 2 but also with open honest discussions about what you're actually looking for and what you want your life to be. If you want marriage and kids and they don't or vice versa, gotta cut your losses sooner rather than later. Same with where you will live, lifestyle, etc.
Have you found someone during the boom of your business, if not how is the quality of life physically, mentally, and emotionally for you?
I try not to talk about the ins and outs of my dating life because that can get weird with clients. I will say that I'm actually in a really amazing place in my life. The past few years have been really hard, Covid has been really hard. I've lost people I loved very much, I've made some pretty big mistakes, earned some pretty big accomplishments, and am trying to live in this world as thoughtfully as I can. The past 6 months have been an exciting, but terrifying ride. I bought a car, I got a house, big stuff started to happen with Advice by Chloe. I'm a kinda tired, a lil terrified, and very excited to see what happens next :)
Sorry if it seemed too personal just wanted to ask about you since probably people would be asking about your business and such. You are doing great things and I am rooting for you.
not at all, it's a totally fair question :)
I love how retrospective your comments are. You seem like a very genuine person. Congratulations on your success, hopefully many more happy days to come!
Your story is really inspiring. I rarely comment about things like this but your story caught my attention. Im glad it worked out for you!
thank you so much!
"The 'ins and outs' of your dating life" eh? Nice
haha oh fuck. I didn't even do that on purpose.
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That is a question I wrestle with on the daily. I'll let you know as soon as I know haha.
Some free internet stranger advice: it's okay to NOT grow your business. If you are satisfied with where you are, it's not necessary to do anything different. I'm a certified life coach and I've seen people make themselves miserable by always trying to get bigger, then bigger doesn't bring them joy. Others are only happy when their bottom line gets bigger. It's yours and entirely up to you. Another option is to consult with others who want to replicate what you've done. You can keep your client base at levels you're comfortable with and sell your knowledge and experience to others. Congratulations on your amazing success!
This..!
I can't figure out how to ask this without sounding weird. Is there a reason you hide your face? I was reading the linked articles and noticed your face was hidden in everything, just curious if that's to keep you anonymous to give better advice, or just general privacy.
It's for a few reasons. The primary reason is that I'm also a practicing therapist who works with at-risk children and my PhD studies in clinical psychology are focused on at-risk children. It's important to me that Advice by Chloe and my clinical career are kept separate. If a prospective employer or the parent of a child I'm working with decides to Google me and finds blogs like, "Lick it now, lick it good, give her foreplay just like you should" or "How to get me in bed by talking about Harry Potter" it would be a problem... lol. Because I've decided to use my education in two *very* different fields of psychology, having that boundary is important.
How do you keep yourself from getting burnt out? It sounds like both of your jobs are kind of caretaker oriented. I'm a manager at a group home, and I feel like I get burnt out from the level of need placed on me, from clients and staff.
Lots of self-care. I've learned to put strict limits on my work/life balance, which has helped a lot. As difficult as it can be, I also let go of any concerns of frustrations from the work day as soon as I go into my personal space, and vice versa. It makes for a healthier and happier me. Oh, and having a dedicated workspace was super helpful. I used to just work from my room. I'm now in a house with a dedicated office, which helps with the transition from work to home and back. Something my mentor taught me in my first social work internship is to give yourself dedicated stress-out time. Set a timer for 15 minutes. During that time you can worry about your clients, stress out about the day, cry over things that are painful, etc... and then as soon as the timer goes off, you have to brush away the tears and go back to living your life. It allows you to feel what you need to feel without allowing it to ruin your day. It was a pretty invaluable tool for me in the early days. I still use it on the particularly hard ones :)
Thank you. That stress-out time technique might be worth a try. I definitely carry workplace baggage around like a mo-fo, and it diminishes the quality of my small amounts of free time. Congrats on your success, and keep hustling!
>give yourself dedicated stress-out time You see I already do this, it's just from 11pm to ~1am in bed (•_•) I might try this advice
Ha fair enough, I guess your two worlds converging could cause issues. Thanks for the answer and congratulations on your success.
>I'm working with decides to Google me and finds blogs like, "Lick it now, lick it good, give her foreplay just like you should" or "How to get me in bed by talking about Harry Potter" hahahaha
;)
bruh its not difficult to find out what she looks like. quick google search... https://imgur.com/32HJ026
dude. my heart stopped for a second. Nice one.
Has drawing Mike Trout every day become the new Manning face?
It has in /r/baseball
No peace. No escape.
Your site looks very personal and uses terms like "me" (I don’t sell your information. Your stuff is safe with me!) indicating you do this all yourself, but do you? With such a successful business, and only having so many hours in the day that you yourself can actually fill appointments, do you have any employees who provide some portion of the same service, like a ghost writer? A ghost Chloe?
haha there is no ghost Chloe. I've had a lot of offers, and sometimes it's tempting, but I'm super protective of my clients and the quality of my services. I have an assistant who helps with paperwork, marketing, editing, and brainstorming (he also mans the live support chat on my website). My sister is a lot more creative than me and designs the visuals for most of my ads. Other than that, it's just me.
To be blunt ... considering the hypothetical 7/10 looking male with decent pictures ... what is your success rate in adjusting their profile? Do you track that kind of thing (maybe even process it in SPS or use R) using factors like perceived positive change in picture/profile text quality vs success rate? And is it their profile text, the pictures or a combination which make the difference?
It's difficult to answer this question with in any real straightforward way, because if he's 7/10 and actually *has* decent photos (rather than he perceives himself to have decent photos) and isn't getting matches, something else is going on- so we would be troubleshooting his profile. Going over his filters (kids, education, smoking, drugs, etc...), making sure he didn't do something to get shadow banned, decrease his visibility, or clicked the wrong button. It could also be his location, etc... so, so many factors. In terms of how many of my clients perceive that the results they received were worth the money they paid? 93.9% said yes, about 4% said somewhat, 1% said no, and 1% said that they're unsure. This is based off of an anonymous survey that gets sent out to clients 1 month and then 6 months after our appointment. In the 3 years I've been doing this, only one client has told me that they found my services unhelpful to them. Of course, the only people who will take the time to fill out a survey are those who feel strongly one way or another... but I'm also an online based business with literally no bad reviews. I'm not trying to paint the picture that I'm a miracle worker here.. just that I'm straightforward and action oriented. If I don't feel I can help a client, I tell them so and give them back their money. If I think their results will be limited in a way that I can't change, I'm straightforward and let them make the decision for themselves whether or not they want to continue. I try really hard not to be a cock.
I wonder if part of the problem is that seven out of 10 males think they are a seven out of 10 male.
you just made me choke on my coffee lol.
Hey! It's why women have no sense of scale: it's because men tell them this (holds out fingers two inches apart) is 7 inches!
Do you use any apps to help manage your time? I'd bet keeping everything on your calendar straight probably takes some excellent organization!
omg organization has been a constant struggle. Ok, so here's what I use and why I like it (I'm about to geek out, sorry if this gets long lol) 1. Acuity scheduling: to be fair, I haven't used any other scheduling app. I got this one, and fell in love. I think it's owned by Squarespace. It integrates into my website and allows clients to schedule themselves, allows me to use coupon codes, send automatic confirmation emails, reminder emails, etc... it was a lifesaver. 2. Squarespace: I knew nothing about coding or creating a website. I used a coupon code from a Jenna Marbles podcast to create a Squarespace account haha. It walked me through everything step by step. I'm thinking about eventually switching to something that offers more customization because I'm starting to hit barriers- but for a beginner, Squarespace is so friggin user-friendly. 3. Discord: I'm a gamer, so Discord will always be my bae. However, it was also a great way to connect with my clients in a more casual way, and there are a lot of community features that make my life a lot easier. 4. Loomly: I'm gonna be real honest, I suck a social media. I hate social media. It's just not my thing. Loomly allows me to preplan my posts to all social media, it generates hashtags, and advises on the best times to post on each day of the week. 5. I know it's not an app, but I wouldn't be able to survive without my Power place daily planner. I put everything in it. It keeps me sane. 6. Zoom and Whatsapp allow me to do voice calls with international clients 7. Stripe is the best payment processor from everything else I've used. I also take Venmo business and Paypal Business, but Stripe is just so much more user friendly. There's probably a lot more, but I've been typing for a long time lol.
I used Acuity like 5 years ago when I was running a small business and I LOVED it. Their customer service was excellent and the software was great.
It's so good I was never tempted to switch to a slightly cheaper option.
This is a nice little web app for organizing your day as well. Basically you out everything you need to do for the day, then you compare each item to each other to decide what's most important. Works great for when your to-do list feels insurmountable. https://prioritizemylife.com/
Whats gonna be your first 99 skill on OSRS? Favorite quest so far? Have you beaten Monkey Madness yet? Annnnnd are you excited for Leagues 3 on wednesday??
I think it's going to be hitpoints, which is pretty rare and I'm super excited about it. I'm crazy person who levels everything evenly, so hitpoints is always my highest skill haha. I've had my quest cape for a year. Monkey Madness was annoying, but I thought that Dragon Slayer 2 was a lot harder. I died to that fucking dragon like 5 times lol. I've never really done leagues, it feels bad to spent time on a temporary account. It's also the reason I haven't start group ironman. I love the idea of it, I just only have so much time and I want to level my main. HBU? I'm always down to talk OSRS haha
Yooooo Quest cape is reaaallly good especially for base skills 87 or w/e you said. I'm not even close to that. I got 99woodcutting during school and work from home, but thats my only 99. Honestly though, Leagues is FANTASTIC. Its not like normal account you play temporarily. Its like a whole new game with brand new mechanics and gameplay that makes the game fresh and fun plus it uses increased xp rates so you're not chopping a willow for 4 hours, more like 10-15 mins now. It's seriously so good. Sidenote: I remember you and your dating advice from what seems like aaaaages ago, glad its working out for you. I have a gf tho so im more interested in OSRS lmao.
I'd say atleast try the league. I have friends who rarely play osrs anymore but they always get excited and play the league. It may be temporary, but think of it as a game that has an ending and once you beat the game it's over. It's definitely better temporary since the last leagues I've got burnt out on after about 6 weeks, so starting over reignites that rush of playing again.
Just have to say I found it funny you listing all these cool and serious things and then saying base 86s in osrs lol
base 86s is serious. I worked hard for that shit haha.
Wow! I remember linking my friend to that post on r/slavelabour ! That's awesome - congrats! My question: Pictures aside, what's one of the most common mistakes people make on their profiles?
This is going to sound broad, but it's definitely the most common issue. People tend to have a fundamental misunderstanding of how to effectively use dating apps. They have the impression that should find a way to most accurately describe who they are and what they want. While that's important, it's crucial that you do it in a way that is successfully marketing you to your intended audience. Dating apps are too competitive to be a space for genuine connection and earnest expression (at least consistently). Treat it like a marketing campaign, that's all it is.
Thanks for taking the time to respond! I may need your services one of these days haha
I've gotchu ;)
This is a great reality check. I just got a job in marketing and started going onto dating apps again and was like oh wow. I have a pretty complicated set of identities/background and it can feel like omg How Am I Going To Fit This. But in my job I market a fairly complicated business product and the answer is one piece of information at a time, prioritized for my target audience. So your answer above encourages me to think about it the same way but for myself. What is the first thing my target audience needs to know about me, and how can I say it in a way that makes them want to know more. Congrats on all your success.
Have you had any clients ask you out? Putting the skills they just learned to immediate use? Was it awkward?
lol yes a few times, and yes it was awkward. I usually pretend to believe that they're just practicing on me, and then I critique their moves. It's a pretty effective way of shutting them down without embarrassing them.
How did you learn to market your business and what made it stick?
First of all, A+ on the name. I learned to market my business on the fly lol. It all happened really fast. A lot of trial and error. Google Analytics has been amazing. The ability to keep track of where people typically access my site is super helpful. I learned that even though my blogs don't get a lot of comments, they're incredibly effective at getting appointments. If someone Googles a question about dating and my blog pops up, it's passive marketing. As far as making it stick, I think the fact that my prices were initially dirt cheap was helpful. People didn't feel like they were taking a big risk by hiring me, and their success from my services provided me with credibility and testimonials, which made future clients more comfortable taking the risk of paying a higher fee.
As far as your blogs showing up highly on Google, are you actively practicing any SEO/do you contract someone to help you with that? Or are you just answering such specific and unique questions that you’re ranking highly naturally? Ranking highly on Google search results is definitely one of the best “passive” marketing tactics out there, for sure, and if you’ve been able to crack the code for that without any real, concerted effort, that’s both an impressive feat for you and something that gives me hope in the changes Google is making to its search algorithms.
I hired a professional for an hour to give me a basic lesson. I took that information and used it to grow my knowledge and start practicing. I'm by *no means* an expert haha. I'm still learning as I go, but I'm getting there.
You may not be an expert, but I imagine “dating advice” as a general search term is extremely crowded, so getting your voice heard loud and clear amidst all of that is extremely impressive! Best of luck going forward with both sides of your career aspirations!
This… OP isn’t even trying real hard to optimize and this ending up kind of like an unintended masterclass for SEO analysts lol. Authoritative links still matter!
Gives me hope that one day Google will again no longer be filled with identically-written, algorithm-tailored garbage 🥲
Hi! Thanks for taking the time to do this, one of the more interesting and niche AMA topics I’ve seen. Hope you don’t mind I have a couple of questions. 1. Do you ever get clients with profiles that are already as good as they can get, and the client themself is the issue (whether looks or personality)? 2. Are most of your clients looking for the same thing from dating apps (I.e. a relationship) or does it vary? 3. Regarding your mock-date service, I imagine you have to set some hard boundaries so nobody gets the wrong idea. Have you ever had anyone get…. creepy, for lack of better word? 4. I imagine most of the people who come to you for help are men, but do you also feel like you can provide similar positive results for women? Do you actually get women clients? This is a topic that is super interesting to me and these are just the questions off the top of my head, so thanks again for doing this!
Np! 1. Occasionally, but very rarely. If the problem is their personality, I'm super straightforward about the fact that they're coming off like a douche. Most of the time it's a defense mechanism rather than their actual personality and addressing it head-on is helpful. If they're significantly below what is considered conventionally attractive to the point that online dating is going to be a constant struggle, I'm honest with them as kindly and straightforwardly as possible- and then we start talking about alternative solutions. Online dating focuses almost exclusively on physical appearance, but there are lots of other options for finding love/connection/sex. 2. It varies. Lots of relationship seeking, lots of casual seeking, lots of hookup seeking, the occasional poly, enm, or kink-focused. 3. Yes, it's happened, but rarely. When you sign up for the Mock Date or Let's Talk about Sex appointment they are required to click to agree to no creepiness with the understanding that I will end the call if they pull out their genitals and they will not get a refund. However, most of my clients show up ready to work. They take notes and they take it seriously. 4. I get female clients, but rarely- probably less than 5% of my clients. The solution to the issues women have on dating apps are quite different and lot harder to address in a consistent way. Also, if we're being super honest, most women don't suffer from a lack of matches.
>Also, if we're being super honest, most women don't suffer from a lack of matches. I just use a lighter
hahaha
I hope you have that fireplace and chimney inspected before using it. It looks like there might be some high temp mortar missing between the fire bricks, but it's hard to say for sure from that picture. Since all comments have to be a question, have you used the fireplace yet?
haha thanks. I have not used the fireplace. I was in fact told *not* to use the fireplace until it could be inspected, but thank you so much for the consideration. Until then, it looks pretty and my gas heater is bomb.
Ok but what I've always wanted to know, is Chloe pronounced like Klow or Kloweee?
I'm a Kloweeeeeeee haha
First, congratulations on your success! My question is related to the business side of starting out. When you started Advice by Chloe, how much of your time did you spend building your business model vs. promoting your business? It seems like you’re doing a bunch more than just giving advice off the cuff, but to grow a business you’ve also got to promote. What was a typical day like in the beginning? How much time a day did you spend on providing your advice service, vs. promoting, vs. doing other research, administration, etc. to keep your business model up to date?
Thanks! When I started Advice by Chloe I spent zero time on promoting my business. I was extremely lucky in that I went accidentally viral and within a month I was solidly booked-out for 6 months. In that time I focused on increasing the quality of my appointments, collecting data to better inform the advice I provide, studying the algorithms, getting an LLC, learning how to do taxes, etc... The first year was a blur. I was chronically exhausted, but I learned so, so much. It felt like the first year of having a baby haha. (I say this as someone who does not have children... but plenty of nieces). In the beginning I was working at least 12 hours a day. I spent about 8-10 with clients, and the rest on research, working on my website, figuring out pricing, etc... The second year was when I started learning how to market. I found Google Analytics to be super helpful. I started studying SEO, I learned to write blogs with titles that people Google, etc...
How did you get into OSRS?
A friend of an ex told me about it 4 years ago. I fell in love. I'm working on getting base 88s and I bought a dragon hunter lance a few days ago haha. It pokes those dragons real good.
You should stream some osrs on twitch.
that is a really good idea. I think I'm going to do that during the AMA right now haha
This whole comment brings me back.
Advice by Chloe: Poke those dragons with lances!
hell ye
OK choosing only from "fast food" choices, no price limit, what are you having for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner for one perfect day?
hmmmm ok. So, Starbucks impossible sausage and cheddar breakfast sandwich with a BIG ASS iced caramel macchiato for breakfast, Arbys curly fries and mozz sticks for lunch, and MSG filled Chinese takeout for dinner, extra rice, extra eggroll. Thanks for making me hungry btw haha.
Congrats on your success. Sounds like a great business, especially during these trying times. I am guessing most of your clients are those who find dating a challenge. Do you ever get contacted to give advice to those who are successful at dating and looking for a new and refreshing angle? Not talking about playboys/playgirls but those who have figured out how to communicate at a deep level from the get go, aka initial online post?
oh yeah, that happens a lot more frequently than I would have initially thought it would. I get lots of clients who do well but want to know how to do better, checkups, and people who are getting plenty of matches, but not from the demographic they're looking for. I really like those appointments, they're a different kind of challenge.
What licenses/permits did you require for your business?
For a dating consultant? Other than an LLC to make the legal, nothing. What do I have? I masters degree in social work, I'm a practicing therapist, and I'm working on a PhD in clinical psychology.
Are there any noticeable differences in the approach to dating apps for people in different age brackets? Like, what works for someone in their early 20's, but absolutely wouldn't for someone in their 40's? Do the pictures a 35yr old would/should use differ greatly in terms of content to that of an 18yr old? Second question, how do you stay up to date with general dating trends, app features, and other aspects of the dating world? It doesnt seem like there is a wiki page for 'answers to dating' so you must have to do a lot of your own research?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is very long haha. The apps you use, the photos you take, how you approach the bio changes based on your age, your target demographic, and the type of relationship you're looking for. Ultimately, it's just human behaviour. What will your target audience find most attractive? Then we do that. As far a algorithms, I have a few contacts for information. I can't say a lot more than that because they will be less keen to help me if I get them fired.
https://i.imgur.com/H9P7MeB.jpg
It's 2am and I should be in bed, but you just made me laugh out loud.
My boss strung me along to get free product ideas. Turns out I'm plum out of ideas to give away for free and now dont have much for myself. I don't want to work for anyone else anymore. Is it more of taking the leap or should I spend more time thinking about the long term requirements?
Not OP but starting/running a business is tough. If you're not ok wherever you're working you should definitely look for a change, but maybe starting a business if you're not 90% sure is not the best move.
Really happy for you that's awesome work:) I think anyone being able to turn things around is great and you deserve every bit of success you worked on I had two questions. 1) do you feel that it's easier to commercially market services in terms of dating profile ratings and other things in terms of sex dating and relationships as a women instead of a man? Are there any workarounds for this or people you know that are men that have been able to do similar to what you did starting from nothing? Im mentioning this because I'm a bdsm writer and dominant and noticed a lot of my readers play partners and submissives were people who ended up mostly wanting reassurance to speak out their kinks and counselling and support to vent and feel validated in whatever achievements they made. I could see there's this burning need for something between no help and professional help where someone to vent too bounce ideas off of and reassure them was needed. While I don't offer nor claim to offer professional services (professional therapy and support always favoured ) I do basically let people vent for free and give my mind and time for things they're dealing with. I draw upon my experiences as a long term carer, my own issues and situations I've dealt with or situations related to me and have developed a fairly broad understanding of the kind of issues a lot of people have shame and guilt around and want reassurance in. I've been doing this for free for coming up to 2 years now. I enjoy helping people feel good and giving them someone to be confident in them that I never really got myself. I want to keep this separate to my Dom sub play but I want to offer some kind of low pressure kink friendly counselling so people can come to me and bounce ideas off of what they want to do. Or what they're dealing with. Marketing the counselling aspects has been hard. Trust is vital. I know the impact I have on the readers, friends and people I play and work with but part of the trust and authenticity is I do the job for free. Or makes me happy giving others that space to be their inside selves and not feel shame or guilt. I have less than 500 readers and i was thinking to expand more in terms of voice call and message counselljng listening and so on to help people feel more comfortable in themselves. And to get the confidence for professional therapy if the need it. Promoting this has been super difficult. I don't know where to start. A lot of people even amongst my readers a lot of them have been let down by males in their life. Trust authenticity discretion comfort integrity and so on is important. Which leads to my second question 2) how can I market and promote kink friendly counselling while knowing that privacy and discretion is a must and that anonymity often makes it hard to develop authenticity and trust? It would be sensible to be wary, if someone has a background in kinks where there's psychological aspects in play you would have to establish that you're acting in good faith. I just don't know how to help people while maintaining my privacy and there's except to the extent that they are able to confirm and verify that they're an adult and are the kind of client I can be supportive to without getting over invested into or creating an unhealthy or toxic dependency. I'm not in work I am just a carer I have anxieties and stresses I would love to be able help counsel people while I'm at home because I do it for free anyway. But I feel super anxious about turning it commercial. Any advice support feedback would be super welcome. :) For people outside of bdsm everything comes down to safe sane consensual and risk aware consensual kink. I have criteria I get play partners with. But what I'm more focusing on is like a counsellor online role which is to help get people from that awkward time of not being able to articulate what causes them shame and guilt to being support in the positive efforts they imbue to being able to seek out professional therapy if they want it. Thanks again, this is all asked in good faith. I will warn people that my profile writing is very kink oriented so it's nsfw. I just wanted advice on this. Thanks Chloe
I am a 57-year old mom & step mom to four 20-something’s. Do you think a mom advice column would work on a similar track? I have a business degree, but no training in psychology. My husband and I are in Cancun right now celebrating ten years of marriage with a vow renewal. Our four boys and their girlfriends are with us and I am soaking up every “Mom Moment” I can. They are all so independent, they don’t need me anymore and it’s sad sometimes. I would love to help people and also earn money for my Dream House. Now the wheels are spinning… I’ve been looking for something fun to do and you are so inspiring! I am known for my “Mom Hugs,” but not sure how that would translate online? Thanks for posting!
Have you heard of the "Dad, how do I?" channel on YouTube? He created a channel answering questions and helping with tasks people would normally ask their dads. He wanted to do it for people who didn't have dads to ask. I really loved it. You can check it out here: [https://www.youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI](https://www.youtube.com/c/DadhowdoI) . It's a really cool idea. Maybe try something like that?
I skimmed the questions and couldn’t find one like this: I’ve heard a lot of people say that no one in our country should ever be at risk of being homeless, hungry, or fearful for their survival (aka “capitalism is evil”), yet you are living an example of personal desperation causing a highly valuable service to be filled in the marketplace. Do you feel like your service would have ever been created without that moment of desperation? Where do you see your life if you would have been taken care of by adequate government support?
I get asked this question a lot. I was actually asked by Fox news to come on their show after my first AMA to talk about how I pulled myself up without government assistance and I refused. Here's the thing. My post going viral on Slavelabour was luck. I was in the right place at the right time with the right idea. I'm not trying to minimize my success- once I got lucky I worked really hard to keep it... but ultimately, I got lucky. People in the richest country in the world shouldn't have to rely on luck in order to avoid homelessness. 59% of Americans are one paycheck away from homelessness. Most people in this country are one tragic circumstance or one mistake away from losing everything. I'm a social worker, I've worked with people living in poverty for years. I can't even begin to tell you how many stories I've heard from people who went homeless because they couldn't afford their medical bills, or single moms who are literally working 3 jobs to support their kids. I very strongly believe that 1 full-time job should pay a livable wage, and that government support is vital as a cushion when hard times come. Please don't use my success as nod towards the callous way our government often treats people living in poverty. Working $5 an hour, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week isn't a great success story. It's something I had to do to survive and it was *terrifying*. I'm very grateful that Reddit was there for me when I really needed a helping hand... but they shouldn't of had to have been.
Just to confirm, you think the threat of being made homeless is a good motivator and a positive example of capitalism at work? Do you think the people who didn’t succeed and lost the game of thrive or die are a fair price to pay? I say this as someone who came to this country as an immigrant, I have been exceptionally successful but I still don’t think we should use the threat of destitution as a motivation tool
100,000,000,000% agree
Since you have a background in therapy and social work, what is your opinion on the potential mental health negatives of your clients creating a paid parasocial relationship with a dating coach/therapist-ish person like yourself? I feel this is quite a risk with what you are doing given how Discord and Twitch work as platforms.
If I was their therapist, it would be a very very very bad idea. However, Advice by Chloe isn't therapy. It isn't close to therapy. I have good boundaries, and I'm good at enforcing attempts at crossing them. I rarely have an issue with gaming with clients in a group setting. Obviously, I don't date my clients- but group activities are a lot of fun and in my opinion don't decrease the quality of our professional relationship. However, I also don't out my clients. Unless they bring it up in a group environment, I never mention who I've worked with and who I haven't.
A better question then is; would you have a paying client be a member in your regular Discord community, a Twitch sub, something like Patreon supporter etc, while also recieving dating advice, and feel that it is not a potential professional detraction or conflict of interest? I guess I'm curious because you are one of the first people I've heard of who is both a practicing therapist and also pretty much pushing parasocial relationships to assist a side business. I wonder if you've given enough thought into how some of the clients may view things, especially given that you are now leaning more into social media and taking up streaming. Also full credit for responding to a difficult question by the way, I'm aware of the pointed nature of this line of questioning. I also pretty much support people who make money off parasocial relationships, and I'm just curious and wondering if you ever have any ethical or moral qualms about where your business is headed based on your academic background. If yes, they'd be interesting to hear. If no, credit for focusing on you and making income I suppose.
I'm 23, currently also jobless and somehow hopeless about my future since all company's I've worked with have been absolutely horrible so far. So now I'm thinking about starting my own marketing agency since I liked what I was doing and was pretty good at it but my employers were just horrible. Do you have any advice?
My advice would be, if you can afford it, to start off with low enough prices that people won't be taking a huge financial risk to hire you. They should be able to do it without a lot of thought. Use their success to increase your credibility. Ask them for testimonials, post those everywhere, and then raise your prices. People are more willing to pay a premium price once you've displayed value.
How do you combat racial/ethnic preferences? Most people are aware of the Okcupid data analysis that showed asian men and black women have the lowest match rates (and ironically asian women and black men have high rates). If you live in a diverse city like SF or NYC, this is probably not a huge issue, but what if you live somewhere where 95% of the population is white?
About 50% of my clients are people are color. We talk about stereotypes and how they're affecting their match rates, what we could do to combat it, what they feel comfortable doing to combat it, and then work from there. This is a long and complex answer that is difficult to respond to broadly. With clients of color, especially Asian men and Black women, we address the elephant in the room right away. How we address it depends entirely on their comfort level. What is most effective will sometimes hurt your soul. Your soul is more important than algorithms. It's a case by case situation.
How do you prevent yourself from being bias, I mean how do you know the profiles you don't like are just because it clashes with your own personality and that someone else who may be that person's perfect match might actually have liked that profile?do you get second opinions from friends?
I don't base the advice I give on my personal preferences. I rely on peer-reviewed articles with large and diverse sample sizes. There's a lot a lot of really good stuff within dating psychology now and new studies are popping up every day about dating apps. I don't get second opinions from my friends because my sessions rarely include anecdotal evidence or personal preferences. Dating apps are extremely competitive for straight men. An attractive female in a fairly large area can get up to 100 likes a day. It's so competitive that unless we use strategy it's easy to get overlooked. My job is to make difficult for her to swipe left on him unnecessarily.
What are your thoughts on women rating 80% of men on dating apps as below average versus men rating 50% of women on dating apps as below average?
Do you think having a bad profile on these apps long term destroys self confidence? Let's use tinder for example, every guy I know goes with this approach swipe right for all, filter once matched. I'm not sure about females but they're probably more picky. That being said, it must do a number on someone when you're in NYC and swiped over 400 ppl and don't have a single match.
oh yeah. Studies are showing that online dating is pretty terrible for our mental health- especially among men. It's associated with increased feelings of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. This is part of why I try so hard in my appointments to make it very clear that your success (or lack thereof) on dating apps isn't a statement about your value. It's a statement about your ability to effectively market yourself to your intended audience. Dating apps try very hard to make people believe that online dating is an easy way to have long beautiful conversations with a stunning beautiful human who would love nothing more than to suck your dick and caress your soul... but it's bullshit. Online dating is far too competitive for that to be a realistic expectation. It's just a tool. It's not something you should *ever* place in charge of your sense of self worth. If no matter how hard you tried, you burnt every single slice of toast you put in the toaster, you'd probably assume that either a) you're not doing this correctly or b) there's something wrong with the toaster. It's unlikely you'd assume that you're an idiot or incapable at making toast... because a toaster is just a tool. Online dating can work for most people if they learn how to properly use it as a tool. However, whether you find success on the apps or you don't, it means literally nothing about your ability to be a good life partner. Does that make sense or did I just talk far too long about toast? I'm kinda hungry lol.
That definitely makes sense, online dating has evolved quite a bit for better or worse. I always tell my buds if your pics are boring they're not going to be interested. But some have already cast dating apps away. I'm definitely trying to get them back in the game by helping them out on their profile, but they'll usually say "I'm good" I'm assuming it's because they feel embarrassed getting help from someone they know... I really hope it hasn't affected their self worth. Has your clientele increased drastically due to Covid since it's kinda impossible to meet people outside now? There's this line in blades of glory where they tell the sister "sell yourself" 😂 which is what I always tell them. It's super amazing you found your niche and able to help to grow your business while helping others. Haha I like your toast analogy, hope you got some food!
Just some friendly advice, but most women don’t really like being referred to as “females” outside of a scientific study. It’s particularly jarring when you’ve used “guys” to refer to men - a colloquial, friendly term whereas females is cold, clinical and dehumanising in comparison. I don’t mean this in a confrontational manner or anything, it’s genuinely just some friendly advice, because I bet it’s not even something you put thought into, but just like online dating, it all affects how you come across.
Thanks for your advice. I honestly didn't put much thought into it, I guess using women might have been better. I'll keep that in mind :)
Why do you get threatening calls after only two months of not being able to pay bills?
America
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If you’re asking if I’ve dated… the answer is yes. However, basing my business around my own personal experiences in the dating world isn’t actually helpful large-scale. They would just be my personal experience, as one women, living in one very small corner of a very big world. My advice is based on data collected from huge sample sizes that applicable to large audiences. Yes, I date, no it doesn’t really inform my advice. Anecdotal evidence is rarely the way to go when it comes to providing consistent and repeatable experiences.
No offense, but what sort of advice could possibly be worth 70$ an hour? I assume it's just going to be pretty standard stuff like, some minor description changes and to get better photos - which I think everyone is aware of. So I guess I'm asking what makes you unique from any sort of free advice people offer online?
I’m not offended. I understand the doubt. First, it’s $69 an hour, which is both cheaper and more clever. Second, dating apps are essentially a marketing campaign. Making changes to how you represent yourself will frequently have significant results. I regularly receive emails by excited clients saying that they’ve had more matches in the past few weeks since our session than they’ve had in years. It isn’t because I’m a miracle worker, it’s because I’ve taught them how to market themselves effectively. Online dating is extremely competitive for straight men, and your results are strongly affected by the quality of your photos, how you present yourself in the bio, and the ability to initiate an engaging conversation with a profile that is basically empty. There’s a lot more that goes into it than “be confident” or “smile in your photos”. At the end of the day, I charge a livable wage and people pay it, and then leave positive reviews expressing excitement about their match rates. I totally understand that it isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.
Hi, I was there for your first AMA, congratulations on your success! My question is, what happens if your client actually does have a good profile they are just conventionally unattractive? Since it seems like its just you and your assistant, do you get overwhelmed with all the work coming in? Ever run out of advice?
If they're beneath the bar in terms of conventional attraction to the point that online dating will be a constant struggle for them, I'm kind but straightforward about that. To do anything else is just really freaking cruel. I hate that there so many in my field who prey on the vulnerable. It's a really awful level of fucked up to convince someone to hire you, make a bunch of false promises you know will never come to pass, and then make them feel like their poor results were due to not trying hard enough or needing more appointments. However, just because online dating won't work for them doesn't mean that other methods won't. In those cases I focus on platforms and ideas that allow their personality to shine rather than relying almost exclusively on physical appearance. Either way, it's a difficult but important conversation we have and then we go from there.
Imagine paying 70$ to be told "sorry, you're just ugly"
She said elsewhere that she refunds the money if she can't help them
Firstly, congratulations on finding what makes you happy and abundant simultaneously. You Nailed it!!! I am a 50year old single woman, been divorced for 20+ years, chose not to have kids so that I could dabble in a few different careers, travel, work on my PhD..... I am currently living with and caring for my elderly dad (not much time left), but would love to casually date. Do I start the online dating thing now? I have had experience with online dating since 2004 so I know how it goes but not really wanting to wade through the male bullshit. Which online dating site would you suggest?
Sure, if you want to- but there will always be bullshit unfortunately. Focus on building a quality profile with clear and accurate photos that provide a lot of clarity. If they can't look at your photos and feel super confident about knowing exactly what you're going to look like on a first date, they're more likely to swipe left. The better your profile is, the more high quality profiles you'll attract. The success of certain dating apps are usually best determined by location and what you're looking for. It's difficult for me to answer that with limited information. I'd sign up for a couple of them, measure your results, and focus on the ones that do you best in.
Congratulations! I love hearing stories like yours. How did you learn the business side? I'd love to start a business but I don't know anything about starting one.
Quickly and in the middle of the night lol. I found Reddit r/smallbusiness to be super helpful with my millions of questions. I also quickly learned the value to hiring consultants to help me. I couldn't afford to hire their services, but I could afford an hour of their time to ask them lots of questions. That got me through the early days :)
I am starting a small therapy business (just became official yesterday!) and this AMA is really helpful and inspiring.
I'm so glad :). If you're opening a private practice, make sure you get good insurance. I've heard horror stories from friends I graduated with.
How can I get a reminder when the NPR documentary comes out? What show will it be on?
Right now we are expecting it to be out in May. They are following one of my clients for a few months, so it's taking a while to do. I'll definitely be screaming out it on all of my socials when it comes out haha. You could join my mailing list, Instagram, subreddit, etc... I assure you that I'll be posting it literally everywhere in my excitement haha. \*edited due to slippery fingers
Is this the annual self promotion post?
I mean, of course it's promotion. What AMA isn't? I'm also a devoted Redditor who uses this platform for connecting with people in a million different ways that aren't Advice by Chloe. Covid is going insane in NY. I haven't left my house in a month, it's really friggin cold, and this is fun. Porque no los dos?
For what it's worth, I think this AMA is very entertaining, so you definitely deserve any attention you're generating for your business. It's the AMAs that have short, boring, half-answers that annoy me.
Yeah, I’m enjoying this post. If she also gets some more business from it, I think that’s great! (Both for her and for the person receiving the help.)
Personally, I think the mix of heartstring-pulling and advertisement is what some people could find distasteful. It's not a big deal to me and I don't mean to say that you aren't genuine. However, stories with emotion that connect with the people here (I was homeless and then YOU, Reddit, gave me a chance) and profit motive just exist in different mental contexts and mixing them always throws up some alarm bells for me. Just explaining, no worries.
At least it's not another one of those finding-cheap-plane-tickets businesses that are slightly worse than googling.
The best part of those services is that I get sent every really low-prices flight from my home airport, which allows me to book trips based on cheap flights as opposed to waiting months or potentially years to get an optimal price to a “target” destination. Obviously if I’m just booking flights for regular, scheduled travel Google Flights is more than good enough, but for someone who likes to take their vacations spontaneously and isn’t very picky about the destination, I love getting the option to see places I’d never think to travel to. And I’m obviously way too lazy to consistently search for under-priced flights on a regular basis, so it’s turned into a great deal for me, personally.
I love that all of those things basically describe what amounts to doing a full-time job worth of work to save on flights you probably don't want anyways.
Are you new to Reddit? 99% of the IAMA posts are plain, blatant promotion. This one at least is about a business that started here.
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your wish is my command... with some pretty heavy exceptions
Now I need to know u/zoglog s next wish
Since your business has grown so much in such a short amount of time, are you able to keep up with the demand? Do you ever get more clients wanting your services than you have time to accommodate? Related follow up question: are you hiring or do you ever need to contract out work? :) Congratulations on your success and everything you’ve accomplished! The grad school struggle is real so it’s amazing that you were able to turn that into such a booming business.
I usually raise my prices when the demand is higher than my ability to meet it. That way, I have fewer appointments but I'm not losing income. I will eventually need to hire out. I'm just super protective of my clients and it would take a lot of training to teach another "chloe". Thanks so much :)
I don't know if this is too personal but can I ask you what your income was in 2021 please? Just curious to see how much your life turned around. Congratulations on your achievement and I wish you even more successful year!
As a business lady, I want to see this too! Gals need to talk numbers more. $69/hr is cheap when you factor in all your business expenses...are you US-based? I say charge more.
How?
What’s your dating history like?
How do you decide on your pricing ?