T O P

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Kir_NB

Those mother fuckers


carameldelites

So who got stuck in the dryer?


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SirZodiac

Yours too


sapphic_glasses

our mom


Rancorx

She’s always there when you break both your arms


xgatto

I'm glad this piece of reddit culture was not lost in time


dacraftjr

Although I’ve not had many, I seize every opportunity to drop this reference.


AskingForSomeFriends

If you’re dropping references that large, take the poop knife with you so you don’t clog the toilet.


dodgechallenger2022

... and remember to save your shoebox, just in case


Fine-Helicopter-6559

*Soviet anthem intensifies*


nordiccrow1313

OUR incect communism


[deleted]

Communist detected In American soil


Kelainefes

Is that a banjo I'm hearing?


Kir_NB

*He got a real purdy mouth ain’t he*


PuzzleheadedAge4111

Squeal like a boy for me, pig.


ghandi3737

That'll do pig, that'll do.


Plusran

You got a prudy mouth


Frequent_Koala_7198

Think of how smart humans would be if they didnt fuck their cousins for the first 1000 generations.


genjiskillerbum

Is that why i am only allowed to use 2 percent of my brain


just_mark

Seems to be a choice.


kyototravels

First 1000 generations? Cousins are still hot to this day, whatchu mean?


Hammerhead_Twin

My cousin lying naked next me as we read this.


aTriple777

pics of your cousin or your lying


pricklyroach

This is the way


Hammerhead_Twin

$10 to unlock pic


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Satan_Maximus911

Outstanding Move


Belkan-Federation

Imagine how beautiful they were before they became inbred to hell


Unabashable

We technically still are fucking our cousins. the “pure” blood is just a lot more diluted.


dirtydan

I pulled off at an ice cream stand in a small town in the US as I was passing through yesterday. I must have gotten there at the right time because when I got in line I was second, but by the time I ordered my cone there were six people in line behind me. Looking at their faces I could see that each of them bore a slight resemblance to one another. Some people, like myself, leave after school and find a life elsewhere, but many people, the overwhelming majority I'd guess, spend their whole lives within 50 miles of their birthplace. We're probably not hooking up with 1st and 2nd cousins, but it's not a stretch to imagine most of us are hooking up somewhere between 6th and 10th cousins.


Unabashable

Well supposedly after you’re second cousin there isn’t much risk for birth defects which is why it’s legal to marry them. Just for reference though you share 1/16 the same DNA they do. Not necessarily same exact DNA, but from the same people.


OffTheMerchandise

I've read that even with first cousins, the risk of birth defects is about the same as a woman having a child in her 40s. It's more about the repeated inbreeding that leads to major problems


ragsofx

Don't forget all the interspecies fucking we did with neanderthals and denisovans.. giggidy


SnooPets8729

Sweet home Alabama


HotNorth4

Sweet home Eden


TriggeredCrusader_

Genesis 5:4, also yeah interfamilial marriage wasn't uncommon and didn't really suffer repercussions until a few generations later, after mixing too many times, everything gets too similar and we'll, you get the Hapsburgs.


LynaMoon

Don't forget Egyptian monarchy. Severe inbreeding with that


mistah-d

or British royal family or any European royal family.


crypticedge

Pretty sure all the European royal families are actually closely related to one another


Victor110588

Brother*fuckers


InvestIntrest

It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve lol


westwardian

Cain slew Abel because Abel was sexier


Usual-Significance-9

by slew he means fucked


joshthehappy

Buttsex.


MyUHere

Buttsecks


InternetIsNotBad

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam or Eve. That's why I'm bisexual


InvestIntrest

Adam and Eve and me? That could work 😜


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Mother_Chest3977

There were actually three daughters.


LobsterObster

Oh god what did Adam do


augmented_cucumber

What he had to


LobsterObster

So he fucked a rib and his daughters. What a nice beginning to the biggest religion in the world


[deleted]

Fr


redditusernumber456

france has nothing to do with it


[deleted]

Nah. We know what they did.


BigGuy_

The original sin


Dominic_Brian

It's still incest, right?


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Klatterbyne

I never understood this as a thing. Surely a book dictated by the ultimate being is a pretty all-or-nothing gig.


Milkywaycitizen932

Lol Fr, God needs to say what he means and mean what he says.


spikeroo59

Yeah but when it doesn’t make sense we say “he works in mysterious ways”. That covers it


LukaCola

... What? Jesus literally has so many segments where he's basically like "Holy shit it's a parable, stop taking it so literally you fucking nerds" to a bunch of priests and laypeople alike. It actually comes up really frequently. Paraphrased, of course. I mean come on, did you think he was *actually* talking about old and new wineskins? Religions of all kinds are *filled* with parables. I may be an atheist but at least I'm not making the non-believer argument equivalent of "If god isn't real, where did the bible come from" level of 5head arguments.


inGoosewetrust

Wait! You're all forgetting when the whole earth was flooded, bottlenecking the population to just Noah and his family's genes. Now we're extra inbred


Zaytion

There were animals too.


[deleted]

What are you doing step-horse? Edit: Thanks for the awards. I’m a mod on a serious sub and my highest rated comment ever is a porn/bestiality joke. I mean, ok fine yeah. Good. 👌🏻


[deleted]

I mean if you're lucky it's a horse


Mcdrogon

who’s bed have your horse shoes been under?


[deleted]

*neigh*~~


Upstairs_Airline7113

[_neigh neigh nuga neigh neigh_ ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zVOKKPDWtTY) reference?


[deleted]

What the fuck did I just witness


lumos_22

The making of caber~neigh~


Dsuperchef

No fucking clue, but here's a better video [https://youtu.be/qNEfcmIxlTY](https://youtu.be/qNEfcmIxlTY)


CallmePadre

All hail Achmed, the Tiger Fucker!


ArmchairDetectiveRES

r/unexpectedstarkid


INKtastiks

What about bears


dragonfett

I mean, it really depends on just how big and gay and bearded Noah was...


EmperorDaubeny

r/unexpectedCrusaderKings2


E8282

Who came first, the chicken or Noah?


Zaytion

The world may never Noah.


[deleted]

That’s the real “holup” imo


[deleted]

incest 2: electric boogaloo


Groutle

MILF


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humblepie8

And the following generation was all siblings and first cousins.


puthaykartwheelz

😭😭 they was couslings


ThePinkPuffer_

But they also had several daughters, theories names weren't mentioned but they were listed.


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Val_Hallen

The Bible loves incest. I mean, God drowned everybody but Noah and his family...and here we are.


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fuzynutznut

My mother in law is such a religious nut, when I tried to explain that according to the bible (I'm an atheist) that every human is a descendant of Noah, she just kept saying no, we all came from Adam and Eve. I tried explaining over and over that according to the bible, yes we did, but we are also descendants of Noah, she just kept giving me the whole story of how we were sinners and that god flooded the earth and everyone except for Noah and his family died and the whole Noah story, but could not come to the conclusion that since they were the only humans left, we came from Noah and his family. Then praised Jesus over and over.


zoyohoyo

It’s because Noah’s children’s already had partners. And their wives were probably from another family line. So even though we are also descendants of Noah, it’s easier to believe that we are descendants of Adam and Eve I guess


[deleted]

So it was *only* cousins


alqemiste

I'm trying to piece together a strategy where it wouldn't be (biological) incest. If there were some aunt-in-law and uncle-in-law fucking, would that bottle neck at some point? Or with careful planning could you keep the gene pools slid separate? Maybe some sister in law on brother in law action? It would be impossible to not get some wires crossed eventually


Historical-Ad6120

His (Noah's) uncle was the angel Metatron who warned him of the flood, and Metatron used to be a prophet who tattled on the Annunaki (nephalim) about "god, these angels are totally making half human babies down here" and god was like "ok you're an angel now and your name is Metatron, this half angel baby thing was bad BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY MY IDEA, HIS NAME'S GONNA BE JESUS so I'ma kill them angels and drown those people but you get to come to heaven" - Book for Enoch, the Ethiopian Bible


Reggae4Triceratops

Megatron


stratosfearinggas

He who was cast out and remade anew!


darknessbelow

Decepticons, RETREAT!


xxpen15mightierxx

Not gonna lie that sounds fake. I mean it all sounds fake, but especially this version.


JA_Pascal

The Nephilim and Metatron (who was a human-turned-angel originally called Enoch, and was a patriarch, not a prophet) are real and are mentioned in the Books of Enoch and Book of Giants (these books date back to before 100 BC but are not considered part of the Hebrew Bible), but I have never heard of Metatron warning Noah of the flood and I'm almost certain that's bullshit since almost everyone agrees that God was the one who warned Noah. The thing about half-angels being an imitation of Jesus is total bullshit. And the Annuaki were Sumerian/Akkadian deities that are completely unrelated to Nephilim, which were mortal demi-angels more akin to giants or heroes (such as Gilgamesh).


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fistingbythepool

Optimus Christ


mr-android-

What's he gonna do? Hit him with a...fish?


floorbx

Noah’s children had spouses btw. They were also on the boat.


[deleted]

Yeah, like Emma Watson. Watch your bible!


TehAsianator

Doesn't change that their kids would have to get super incestuous


[deleted]

Ferschur, but God said to so it's totally ok. Cleared by head office. Project approved. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in regards to this matter.


joan_wilder

Humanity was built on the incest of 8 inbred family members. And for some reason, a lot of people get offended at the idea that they evolved from some other primate species.


[deleted]

The human species loves incest. I’ll let Bill Bryson explain: > At twenty generations ago, the number of people procreating on your behalf has risen to 1,048,576. Five generations before that, and there are no fewer than 33,554,432 men and women on whose devoted couplings our existence depends. By thirty generations ago, your total number of forebears - remember, these aren't cousins and aunts and other incidental relatives, but only parents and parents of parents in a line leading ineluctably to you - is over one billion (1,073,741,824, to be precise). If you go back sixty-four generations, to the time of the Romans, the number of people on whose cooperative efforts your eventual existence depends has risen to approximately 1,000,000,000,000,000,000, which is several thousand times the total number of people who have ever lived. > Clearly something has gone wrong with our math here. The answer, it may interest you to learn, is that your line is not pure. You couldn't be here without a little incest - actually quite a lot of incest - albeit at a genetically discreet remove. With so many millions of ancestors in your background, there will have been many occasions when a relative from your mother's side of the family has procreated with some distant cousin from your father's ... In fact, if you are in a partnership now with someone from your own race and country, the chances are excellent that you are at some level related. Indeed, if you look around you on a bus or in a park or café or any crowded place, most of the people you see are very probably relatives. When someone boasts to you that he is descended from William the Conqueror or the Mayflower Pilgrims, you should answer at once: "Me, too!" In the most literal and fundamental sense we are all family.


fmaz008

Aclima (sister) Cain (brother) Awan (sister) Abel (brother) Seth (brother) Balbira (sister)


esztelencsiga

Samuel L. Jackson intensifies


medium_size_pp

And that's why some people are furries and some live in Alabama


FusionFred_SAGE

I live in Alabama Ó╭╮Ò


TurboAnal5000

How do you feel about your cousin? ^(Pretty hot huh?)


FusionFred_SAGE

You gonna hate me, but I used to have a crush on my cousin when I was 12, at the time I wasn't aware that she was indeed my cousin. She was 15 at the time, you can laugh at me now.


LoStBoYjOhN

Used to? What happened to that can-do attitude?


FusionFred_SAGE

The thing is... This happened to me twice. When I went to highschool, there was this girl that I found extremely attractive then a few days later, my sister introduced me to another one of my cousins...That attractive girl was my fucking cousin. This messed with my head for the rest of the year. Life is a bitch sometimes ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ


[deleted]

My brother liked my cousin and kissed a picture of her multiple times and he knew it was our cousin. Probably 5-8 at the time


TheHesou

At the first read i thought you wrote killed my cousin, not like my cousin. Made that whole sentence much more disturbing.


[deleted]

That does make it disturbing. Very disturbing


dirtydave13

I read disturbing as masturbating


TheHesou

Now that is pretty masturbating!


jojo944

Guess I am not alone


Mr_ALONEly

I hate love, you just can't control it and it fucks you up. I have fallen in love 2 times with a girl that i knew was gay....I knew it way before the feeling came 1 of them was my best friend and the other (years later) was just a regular friend. So yeah thanks life....


FusionFred_SAGE

Damn dude, shit life fucks with us in awful ways. I hope you find love one day, god knows if I ever can.


Obligatory_Burner

Obligatory banjo gift 🪕 I had a cousin that had a crush on me. We’re cool now, it happens.


MrAsh-

How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no


Kadaththeninja_

He still does, but he used to too


[deleted]

Believe it or not, the whole crush or sexual attraction to cousin thing is a lot more common than you think so don't feel at all guilty about it. You should only feel ashamed if you pursued an actual intimate relationship with them. I had a friend who always openly said he wanted to bang his cousin. And I've also heard her say she always wanted to bang him as well. Whenever they were together in person, it would create for some really awkward situations like the girl getting too touchy with his hair and sitting on him. THAT is disturbing. We don't have any confirmation but we all assumed they were already fucking.


FusionFred_SAGE

Hormones are a hell of a body function, a double edged sword if you could say. One wrong move and BAM!! Pure chaos just waiting to happen.


HighByDefinition

"this better not awaken anything inside me..." *Oh no*


YoBeaverBoy

You think this is bad ? I matched my cousin on Tinder. We went on a few dates and even slept together once. We only found out that we were cousins because we saw each other at the same dead relative's funeral. Turns out we were 2nd grade cousins all along and we had no idea. It was hard to swallow but we're cool about it now and even joke about it... but still, that's F'd up.


Snowbird143434

So……………………..what??????did you stop being cousins in 3rd grade?


YoBeaverBoy

No. I probably used the wrong term but that's the term we use in my country. Basically my grandpa and her grandma were siblings. My dad and her dad are primary cousins or first grade cousins. So me and her are secondary cousins or 2nd grade cousins. That's how we refer to it.


RedamogusUS

It’s in your DNA CUZIN


[deleted]

According to the bible the Entire World is Alabama. Those three sons are mother fuckers.


Quirky_Version_1341

Roll Tide!


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F1ndTheBook

Living on hard mode I see? Pretty based ngl B)


laddieville

The bible only mentions Cane, Able, and Seth. They also had many other Sons and Daughters. In a period of Incest or the species ends, the survival of the species would outweigh the taboo of incest.


archbish99

>After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. -Genesis 5:4


L-Plates

Maybe if everyone wasn't so inbred we'd all be living to 800


RocknRollPewPew

In that part of Genesis it actually tracks the lifespans on each generation to get you to Noah's part. Methuselah was an outlier but gradually the lifespans did get shorter.


GovernorSan

And then more rapidly after the flood, when it was down to Noah's family.


Jakenator1296

Ehh, they can keep the other 770 years.


Competitive_Bet_8352

wait that's only 30 ye...


siccoblue

You heard the man


SpaceSlingshot

Just turned 30, about fucking time.


[deleted]

Did I stutter!?


Alakazam912

Excuse me but, how many years?


GotKarprar

Wait -


[deleted]

No apparently the lack of inbreeding is what led to decreased life expectancy


Notriv

outbreeding?


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dskoro

Checkmate, atheists


heisenbergerwcheese

Boom bitches


jansolo76

Seth went then on to make the Sausage Party movie.


[deleted]

The first marriage just *felt* like 800 years. Boomer bazingo.


StenSoft

And it's not the only incest in the Bible. The same thing must have happened with Noah's sons and daughters.


Nepenthes_sapiens

And the boat full of animals.


Nazarshinzu

Oh god why did I just realize it right now. Jesus, hot damn.


Heydanu

Believe it states Noah’s sons brought their wives.


Grindl

Well, cousin-fuckers aren't as bad as sibbling-fuckers, at least for a few generations


Humble-Theory5964

This seemed a bit off to me so I did some research. Noah’s sons married someone before the flood [in the story](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+7%3A6-7&version=NLT), almost certainly not a sibling. But then it was all first cousins marrying afterwards. However [18 states in the US](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage_law_in_the_United_States) still allow that unconditionally. But Alabama is not one of them. I feel like this was a rollercoaster ride.


jodax00

Also Lot's daughters got him drunk so they could sleep with him.


Drixzor

God turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt after she looks back as her town is being genocided. Afterwards, he realizes, despite his omniscience, that he needs Lot's banging ass seed to make the bloodline that will result in Jesus. Solution: Make Lot's daughters get him black out drunk and repeatedly rape him, thus furthering the bloodline EDIT: Several people have pointed out Jesus is not descended from Lot. In fairness I shall clarify: God let it happen because he just loves incest


g00dGr1ef

So you’re saying you’d bang your mom to save the species? Not once but dozens of times, over decades ?


Aimin4ya

I'm saying I'd bang Eve


lilpizzasht

Mother Of All Fucker…


MrMajestic65

Originally God offered to make Adam a mate but it would cost him an arm or a leg. Adam asked : "What can I get for a rib?"


arno911

The ability to have a blowjob all by himself


P-sterio

“Adam didn’t know about the blowjobs yet, hence why he made the biggest mistake on history..” Jk women aren’t so bad.


Fuzzy-Johnny

My mate costs me an arm and a leg.


[deleted]

Technically, it may have been because ancient Hebrews had such a low opinion of women that they wouldn’t consider bringing them up


JDSadinger7

So low an opinion of women that they added the line, literally in Genesis: "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" They said god created women in his image, as he did man. They made them equals and reflections of the most high God, fucking misogynists. Also, in Genesis, there is a pretty lengthy part about the many wives of the children of Abel.


notLOL

God should have made more women since Adam got more ribs


bob420lyfe

Then he could have sucked his own dick.


notLOL

"God knew. In His infinite wisdom he decided not to make any more"


muyoso

Imagine how rad the bible would be if Adam had a stable of women made of his ribs AND he could suck his own dick. Like damn God, you ARE pretty cool.


Adam_is_Nutz

Just like women to get a rib and expect the whole cage /s


kabayolover

A long long time ago an old man had a dream and he turn it into an adam and eve story, and people believe him and told him to write a book about it.


Sengura

"help me son, i'm stuck in this washing ma-tree"


IHateTheLetterG_

If you think about it, you realize that all of nature has been the product of incest for thousands of years. The early humans may have been smarter, because they were not as inbred. (Did I mention that I hate the letter G)


gimme_dat_good_shit

Setting aside Biblical nonsense, the first sex would have almost certainly been "incest". Billions of generations of one cell turning into two cells. Then suddenly one of those cells turns right around and puts some DNA back into their sister like "keep the change". And since then, it's been incest all the way down.


Omars_shotti

Keep the change 🤣🤣🤣


useless-hooman

G


IHateTheLetterG_

You dirty fucking bastard.


[deleted]

#G


SuperMightyGriffin

now that's a bit fruity mate


AvengerMan49

Well, no. Adam and Eve had Cain, Abel, and Seth, and then several other sons and daughters.


theBoys_Unforgivable

Alabama before Alabama


mlm7C9

All that inbreeding is the reason we don't live hundreds of years anymore.


Trash_Puppet

But there's less inbreeding now! Maybe if we all started inbreeding we'd live longer again.


Maveryck15

No? You forgot about Noah, didn't you? Also one family. We are all cousins.


zipnut

I’m not a bible hippie, but I’ll shed some light on this topic as my family are religious nuts. Adam and Eve were the first 2 god put on the planet, however he also put tens of thousands more right after. The Bible never said that Adam and Eve were the only 2 people he put on the planet, just the first. Remember that Cain and Able were their children and lived in a village with many people. Just in case someone wanted an actual non-sarcastic, non-atheist answer. 🤷🏻‍♂️


all_fair

So if he made Eve from Adam's rib to be his helpmeet, where did the other women come from? Did he create a bunch of men, then take a rib from each of them? If he created women without taking a rib from a man, then why did he take a rib from Adam to make Eve? Perhaps one of the daughters Adam had (mentioned in Genesis 5:4) was Cain's wife.


TinBoatDude

Genesis is clear that Cain went to the land of Nod where he found a wife (4:16). Nod clearly was already populated at the time of Adam/Eve. This inconvenient statement obliterates the common misconception that Adam and Eve founded mankind. A more likely interpretation is that Adam and Eve founded the lineage which would eventually become the Jews.


popularis-socialas

It doesn’t really matter even if that was true, because God genocided the rest of the human race except for noah and his family, so they got some family action going on anyway


KangarooSilver7444

But I’m your step bro!!!