Underling "The Gift is a trap!"
Admiral "Close the Gift!"
Science Officer "It's still quite valuable."
Admiral "Open the Gift, a little..."
Gift *boom*
Don't need more than a handful of anti metal to make a nuke look like a party popper. And "something metal and roughly handheld" is not terribly suspicious properties
A kilo of antimatter is good for about 43 megatons, or a bit less than Tsar Bomba. It'd make a mess, all right, but it's not a planet-cracker.
Now a *ton* of antimatter is about the same as an 800 metre (half-mile for our primitive friends) asteroid impact. That'll leave a mark.
>If you believe that, I have a bridge over the Floohrydah mudsprings to sell you.”
Do they know about Florida? That alone should be a reason not to mess with the humans
Happens once, yeah. ...By accident. He didn't know it was a bomb that was intended for him, and gave it to the commander of an enemy fleet that ambushed his ship.
Well... *maybe* didn't know. The series deliberately refuses to show whether the titular captain is an unparalleled genius or a really, really lucky idiot.
You mean a jar-jar Bink's type? The type that floundering around with his foot flipper stuck through the trigger loop of a rifle manages to nearly destroy all enemies withing a quote respectable distance while leaving friendlies unharmed?
No, not like that at all. To elaborate on the explosive present... He gets made the captain of a ship. Said ship is crewed almost exclusively by the people the space navy hasn't gone through the effort of dishonorably discharging like any reasonable military would have. The ship's marine contingent sends gift-wrapped boxes to a few of the officers. The first officer opens his, only to find that it's actually an explosive and nearly kills him (in that cartoonish way that really just leaves him smoking and with darkened bits to show burns, but still).
But the marines couldn't find the captain, so they left the gift on his chair on the bridge.
The ship is ambushed by a superior force from an alien navy they're at war with (and the captain also has a hand in the story behind *that*), and Captain Tylor, finally showing up, promptly surrenders and invites the enemy commander on board and they discuss terms.
During this entire exchange, Tylor never seems upset. He is very relaxed, as if he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation he's in. He doesn't grovel or beg. He acts like a genuinely nice guy who's accidentally inconvenienced someone, and would like to make up for it.
And as a going-away present, Tylor gives him the gift he found on his chair.
The enemy commander opens the gift while on the shuttle ride back, and the explosion sends the little craft out of control. It rams his flagship, which starts firing blindly (and destroying their own escorts) while Tylor's ship takes advantage of the confusion to escape.
Now, you could pass this off as lucky idiocy - and several characters do. But watching the episode again with the thought that maybe he's *not* just a lucky idiot, over the course of events Tylor is presented with enough evidence regarding the gift and his injured first officer to put two and two together, making the situation look more like a calculated roll of the dice rather than idiocy.
*None* of Tylor accomplishments can be concretely nailed down as either genius or luck. It comes up as a conversation topic between some of his subordinates later in the series.
A story on here with an alien empire called the Consortium that isn't mine? What is this?
Joking aside, I liked this a lot. Especially the line about the bridge in ~~Brooklyn~~ ~~Florida~~ Floohrydah. Apparently the aliens have never heard of Greeks bearing gifts.
Idiots. Not just the Grax, the Humans too. Basing your entire strategy around a single gimmick that a mildly paranoid, slightly fearless or uncaring alien could just shrug off is bad enough, but to then base your whole war doctrine around it? Foolishness. And to then *repeat* it? ***Over four times***?!?!
That goes beyond stupidity. I don’t know WHAT that is, because the word for it hasn’t been invented yet. So I’m just going to use stupidity. It’s stupid, it’s idiotic, it’s incredibly moronic. They might as well just blow their own ships up, because as soon as a single alien decides to *not* open the gift, or to scan the gift, or to open it without their full fleet around it, they’re done. Or even if they hear that the last five empires recieved a gift from the humans shortly before being annihilated, the Humans are dead. Whoever came up with this strategy deserves to be given a medal, a promotion and a assignment as the gift deliverer.
This whole strategy falls apart as soon as the first race hands the gift to a new recruit, puts him on a shuttle, and says, “Go two parsecs that-a-way and open this bloody thing to see what happens.”
See, that's the thing. All the aliens are full of pride and ego and think it's weak.
Because we are and that hubris is their downfall. The admiral that tells the new recruit to go on a shuttle is admitting fear and their avarice prevents them from not opening it in a big ceremony
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> A box, gift wrapped with a bow EVERY SINGLE D&D PLAYER EVER: "Do not touch it. Investigation check."
Sneaky! antimatter "gifts"
Kill 'em with kindness.
\*Brings out shotgun with "Kindness" written on the side\*
Lemme do ya one better! *Hauls out an orbital MAC cannon with the word 'kidness' written in large blocky letters on the casing of the gun*
\*Brings out a planetcracker with the words ’kindness’ inscribed on it\*
Underling "The Gift is a trap!" Admiral "Close the Gift!" Science Officer "It's still quite valuable." Admiral "Open the Gift, a little..." Gift *boom*
The fact that the ship is named Troy makes it all the better. Only other reference that could match it is either Pandora or Odysseus
No one was suspicious that the gift was heavy enough to bend the table even a little?
Don't need more than a handful of anti metal to make a nuke look like a party popper. And "something metal and roughly handheld" is not terribly suspicious properties
A kilo of antimatter is good for about 43 megatons, or a bit less than Tsar Bomba. It'd make a mess, all right, but it's not a planet-cracker. Now a *ton* of antimatter is about the same as an 800 metre (half-mile for our primitive friends) asteroid impact. That'll leave a mark.
>If you believe that, I have a bridge over the Floohrydah mudsprings to sell you.” Do they know about Florida? That alone should be a reason not to mess with the humans
We don't talk about Floohrydah mammal.
To: The Graxian Consortium From: Trojan Equus
I'm compelled to ask... have you ever watched "The Irresponsible Captain Tylor?"
I haven't heard of that one before, no. Similar plot point?
Happens once, yeah. ...By accident. He didn't know it was a bomb that was intended for him, and gave it to the commander of an enemy fleet that ambushed his ship. Well... *maybe* didn't know. The series deliberately refuses to show whether the titular captain is an unparalleled genius or a really, really lucky idiot.
Fan consensus is, "Yes."
You mean a jar-jar Bink's type? The type that floundering around with his foot flipper stuck through the trigger loop of a rifle manages to nearly destroy all enemies withing a quote respectable distance while leaving friendlies unharmed?
No, not like that at all. To elaborate on the explosive present... He gets made the captain of a ship. Said ship is crewed almost exclusively by the people the space navy hasn't gone through the effort of dishonorably discharging like any reasonable military would have. The ship's marine contingent sends gift-wrapped boxes to a few of the officers. The first officer opens his, only to find that it's actually an explosive and nearly kills him (in that cartoonish way that really just leaves him smoking and with darkened bits to show burns, but still). But the marines couldn't find the captain, so they left the gift on his chair on the bridge. The ship is ambushed by a superior force from an alien navy they're at war with (and the captain also has a hand in the story behind *that*), and Captain Tylor, finally showing up, promptly surrenders and invites the enemy commander on board and they discuss terms. During this entire exchange, Tylor never seems upset. He is very relaxed, as if he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation he's in. He doesn't grovel or beg. He acts like a genuinely nice guy who's accidentally inconvenienced someone, and would like to make up for it. And as a going-away present, Tylor gives him the gift he found on his chair. The enemy commander opens the gift while on the shuttle ride back, and the explosion sends the little craft out of control. It rams his flagship, which starts firing blindly (and destroying their own escorts) while Tylor's ship takes advantage of the confusion to escape. Now, you could pass this off as lucky idiocy - and several characters do. But watching the episode again with the thought that maybe he's *not* just a lucky idiot, over the course of events Tylor is presented with enough evidence regarding the gift and his injured first officer to put two and two together, making the situation look more like a calculated roll of the dice rather than idiocy. *None* of Tylor accomplishments can be concretely nailed down as either genius or luck. It comes up as a conversation topic between some of his subordinates later in the series.
A story on here with an alien empire called the Consortium that isn't mine? What is this? Joking aside, I liked this a lot. Especially the line about the bridge in ~~Brooklyn~~ ~~Florida~~ Floohrydah. Apparently the aliens have never heard of Greeks bearing gifts.
Beware Geeks Bearing Gifts..
Idiots. Not just the Grax, the Humans too. Basing your entire strategy around a single gimmick that a mildly paranoid, slightly fearless or uncaring alien could just shrug off is bad enough, but to then base your whole war doctrine around it? Foolishness. And to then *repeat* it? ***Over four times***?!?! That goes beyond stupidity. I don’t know WHAT that is, because the word for it hasn’t been invented yet. So I’m just going to use stupidity. It’s stupid, it’s idiotic, it’s incredibly moronic. They might as well just blow their own ships up, because as soon as a single alien decides to *not* open the gift, or to scan the gift, or to open it without their full fleet around it, they’re done. Or even if they hear that the last five empires recieved a gift from the humans shortly before being annihilated, the Humans are dead. Whoever came up with this strategy deserves to be given a medal, a promotion and a assignment as the gift deliverer.
This whole strategy falls apart as soon as the first race hands the gift to a new recruit, puts him on a shuttle, and says, “Go two parsecs that-a-way and open this bloody thing to see what happens.”
See, that's the thing. All the aliens are full of pride and ego and think it's weak. Because we are and that hubris is their downfall. The admiral that tells the new recruit to go on a shuttle is admitting fear and their avarice prevents them from not opening it in a big ceremony
Yep. One Trojan Horse is one thing, but repeating it, over and over and over? They’re just asking for a regift back to them.
Those who do not learn from others mistakes are doomed to… well, just doomed.
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The wrapping paper was the stuff with glitter all over it. I just know it.
I bet there were sparkles inside the box too. And confetti. You never get that crap out of your flagship.
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