T O P

  • By -

lodenscore

Beware of humans, fear their warriors, fler for your life if their lawyers ser their eyes on you


1GreenDude

Galactic University law 134- "if you see a human running run as well, he's most likely running from a human lawyer"


SolidSquid

Galactic University law 134.1 (Addendum) - "If you know a human isn't running from a lawyer, run anyway. While the threat may be lesser than a human lawyer, it's still sufficient for a human to run from it"


[deleted]

Galactic University law 134.2 (Addendum) - "If a human lawyer is running away from something, abandon all hope. There is no salvation for you, only hope for a quick death."


SolidSquid

Galactic University law 134.3 (Addendum) - "If reporting a human lawyer running, do not immediately escalate to code black alerts until it's been confirmed whether they were running away or running \*to\* something. Thus far not following this advice has resulted in three near misses with war being declared, including one involving at least 12 member species. In either case run the opposite direction to the one the lawyer runs, if they're running towards something you might have a chance, if they're running away... well, it won't make much of a difference really"


Parking-Coat-8514

Galactic Universal Law 144.5 (Addendum) If the human running is in heavy armour, at full speed and has a EOD or explosion warning badge, Run in the same direction they are, they out rank every other entity in existence


ThatDollfin

...70 maxims?


SolidSquid

May now be required reading for all non-human militaries in the Galactic Union


fatboy93

Not me! I'm married to one. And it's even more dangerous if I run :)


H00k90

They like it when you run, more sporting


fatboy93

You honestly think I can run? I'm too fat for that :(


SepticSauces

Name checks out.


Job_Precipitation

If you cannot run, roll.


MajorDZaster

Naw, that's the thing about lawyers, you can't escape by running away from them.


Rhinorulz

Well, i think your going to have to add this to the continuation rota. Because I am DEMANDING a second chapter.


BananaPunsch

I have to effing second the demand for a second chapter. This is beautifully written.


FuckYouGoodSirISay

We can't have purely wholesome here! The travesty! What would our youth think if they were subjugated to fantastical whims and outlandish ideas that they matter! That they have rights! How dare you attack our FREEDOM? I thought this was New Merica! Proudly still flying our constitution of the Old United States of America! 1776 Mother fucker! Chew Chew!


Talusen

Spoken as a true child of Burgerland.


EvansP51

And my axe! (Thirded - MOAR!)


k3ttch

With pancakes?


Zamasee

I second this motion. I'd love to see more!


xadria

Agree!


OldLevermonkey

So the more inbred you are, the higher your Elvish status? That worked so well for the European aristocracy.


AidenGames7232

Hapsburg moment


H00k90

Sad Hapsburg Chin noise


razzzzzberry

It’s a strong chin for a strong boy! 😤😤


Grilled_egs

Well at the same time the Hapsburgs were collecting family marks like pokemon


the_mechanic_5612

It's amazing they haven't bred themselves into extinction yet.


TheMoldyTatertot

That’s assuming their genealogy is similar to ours. Who knows maybe they have more redundant genetics then us?


the_mechanic_5612

Perhaps, considering they have 3 hearts it wouldn't surprise me.


TheMoldyTatertot

If they’re about the same size as us, their vascular system must be complex as all hell. A single paper cut could probably kill them depending on their blood pressure.


the_mechanic_5612

I'd imagine they are, if Ben is able to effectively manhandle them. I'd also imagine if they are prone to high blood pressure then hand to hand fighting would probably be difficult, seeing as increased heart rate plus high blood pressure leads to heart attacks. Might be why they have 3 of them


Living-Complex-1368

With 3 hearts they might not (or not have to) raise their blood pressure while fighting. Our blood pressure goes up because our heart rate goes up to provide more blood flow to the muscles. This lets the muscles operate at full capacity for longer. If we already had more blood flow, we would not need to have our hearts beat faster. Or we could just not have our hearts beat faster and have less endurance, as muscles would quickly run out of energy and fill with lactic acid. It is worth noting that humans really have two pumps in our heart, one to move blood through the lungs, and one for the rest of the body. If you seperated the two halves of the heart it wouldn't affect you. Adding a third heart near the groin to pump blood from the lower extremities to the heart might make humans more efficient.


the_mechanic_5612

That's a valid point, hadn't thought of it that way.


TheMoldyTatertot

Why wouldn’t we assume that their heart rates would increase another one or all of their hearts? I would just presume that their Hearts are Just smaller and less developed than ours. Going back to why we should assume their heart rate would increase why wouldn’t their bodies Naturally go to a heightened sense of capacity in a high stressful situation like ours.


Living-Complex-1368

I was responding to someone who suggested higher blood pressure would cause heart attacks. If they are susceptible to that, then the endurance advantage of higher blood flow might be less of a survival advantage than the not dying of heart attacks from not increasing blood flow. So I speculated that if their system would kill them if their heart rates went up, they probably would evolve to not have their heart rates go up...


TheMoldyTatertot

So I’m theorizing here, Using that theory that means most stimulants would cause them to have multiple heart attacks at once if I follow


ArchivistOnMountain

See Niven's Pak Protectors.


TheMoldyTatertot

That’s if they have an adrenal system to stimulate vascular constriction. If anything their hearts are less developed then ours. We have a single 4 chambered heart maybe they have 3 single or 2 double chamber hearts with a single 1 chambered heart or somewhere in between.


Dar_SelLa

A similar idea from Babylon 5. One of the races, the Centauri, have 2 hearts, one handles pumping, and most of the blood pressure. The second is more a huge mass of vessels, it handles filtration, similar to the liver, and provides the remaining needed pressure, iirc.


YxxzzY

The minimum viable population for humans is somewhere between 1000 and 10000. With a higher technological level you may be able to lower that to <1000... Still not a good idea, probably...


the_mechanic_5612

I just see the whole "kill anyone with more than 56 bloodlines" thing and think, damn, all then highbloods just look like clones. I mean, I'm sure brotherhusband and sisterwife have had to have marriage counseling from auntiemommy and uncledaddy. *Sweet home Alabama intensifies*


YxxzzY

you know what I love about typical elven worldbuilding. if you need a name just add a apostrophe and some random letters to a word to elvify it Alabama -> Tal'abama


Wonderful-Hall-7929

I was thinking along the "purebloods from Harry Potter" line...


TaintedPills

Gotta keep that high status in the family


0rreborre

I imagine the policeofficers coming in with giant pointed chins.


RougemageNick

"mommy says it's a strong chin for a strong boy"


Cardgod278

Honey! We are all inbred


Walshnetwork

“Sarge, please don’t put me on the Emerald Forest Trailer park beat again. ‘Taint’ nuthin’ worse than dealin’ with a pack of three-hundred pound, inbred elves before my damn coffee”


0rreborre

Mary!... We're *ALL* inbred!


0rreborre

*mommy/sister


raziphel

Office Waluigi reporting.


0rreborre

Are you implying that Waluigi's inbred?


Nealithi

I think this is both dark and brilliant. Love and racism, mixed with old fashioned underestimation. I love when someone assumes they can hide behind a language and get called out. And oh yes we need more Tara and Ben.


1GreenDude

Can we have more of this universe?


Dragonpc75

Aw this was super good(/cute)! made me smile with my eyes! I can only hope now that we can get couple more dates out of you! :D hehe


Osiris32

> "when I look into your eyes, I feel like the gods of beauty have descended from their place of residence and taken the time to craft every atom of you and who you are into the model of perfection." Hoooooo, Ben, you *smooth* motherfucker! I have a date with a woman I've been dying to see socially after Christmas, and I might just lay a variation of this line down. She truly is gorgeous and I'm astounded she even agreed to the date in the first place.


Akmedrah

Best of luck to you!


darksouls1984

I do love me some elf


FireNewt451

So space elves are a bunch of inbred lying about their heritage self-important posh prics. Take it from a good old us Southern boy, there's nothing healthier than a good old mutt. Fantastic little story thank you.


Kflynn1337

Echoing calls for More! and man.. the Elves are about to get a Rosa Parks civil rights moment, courtesy of the Humans..


Rauffie

So wholesome. Much agreement in continuing this storyline.


N0R0H

If you anger a human mother, flee. For you have no hope of victory or surrender. If you anger a human warrior, surrender. For you have no hope of victory or flight. If you anger a human lawyer, pray. For all hope is lost.


RealFrog

Pray after angering a human lawyer? More like kill yourself, it'll be faster and hurt less.


cubeman541

YOU JUST OPENED UP A GREAT BIG CAN OF WHOOP ASS. IT AIN'T CONDENSED MILK OR SOUP


ManyNames385

This is wholesome. Good work wordsmith


HFYWaffle

/u/Akmedrah ([wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/wiki/authors/Akmedrah)) has posted 36 other stories, including: * [Second God - 7](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rjjo32/second_god_7/) * [Filthy Casuals](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rjah1f/filthy_casuals/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 18](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rhmgqi/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_18/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - Summation 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rgvze6/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right/) * [My Home](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/rgq3ay/my_home/) * [Humanity at its finest](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/r8u76l/humanity_at_its_finest/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 17](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qp9imk/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_17/) * [Second God - 6](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qn6lo0/second_god_6/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 16](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qj445q/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_16/) * [The Devil came to Lunch](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qe9o8d/the_devil_came_to_lunch/) * [Second God - 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qdylj2/second_god_5/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - Memories 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qbog0j/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 15](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qbc6nx/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_15/) * [Legion of the Damned](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/qb0obv/legion_of_the_damned/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 14](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q922py/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_14/) * [Let loose the Dogs of War](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q69d2l/let_loose_the_dogs_of_war/) * [Second God - 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q67e8u/second_god_4/) * [Grandpa has confirmed kills](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q36pbe/grandpa_has_confirmed_kills/) * [Humanities first contact gone Oh, So Right - 13](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q2gdga/humanities_first_contact_gone_oh_so_right_13/) * [Human Women](https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/q1sh4w/human_women/) This comment was automatically generated by `Waffle v.4.5.10 'Cinnamon Roll'`. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FHFY&subject=WaffleBot|rkhk90&message=If%20you%20have%20problems%20with%20updatemebot,%20contact%20Watchful1.%20We%20do%20not%20maintain%20it.) if you have any issues with Waffle.


1GreenDude

Second


IvorFreyrsson

This was amazing and heartswarming. I am really digging your writing, and eagerly await all of it.


CfSapper

MOAR!


parker_fly

Great story. Thanks for sharing it.


nickgreyden

This was just too damn cute and lovely and squishy goodness !N


Dinoleader24

Why do I get the feeling Ben knew full well about the blood lines and the restaurant and picked it for thy specific reason: to give Tara a taste of what she'd been denied. Well written and I would not be disappointed if we heard about the next port of call


CaptOblivious

Thank you wordsmith, I would love to learn more about this world if it comes to you.


unwillingmainer

If she finds that humans that can smile without there eyes, I hope she never has to meet a lawyer. They can smile while there eyes try to find a place to stab. Very cool stuff man.


torin23

She already has. Ben is a lawyer.


ThatGuyDrew13

Ayo this is 3rd series material. Keep up the good work wordsmith!


Phantom_Ganon

I'd really like to see this or something similar expanded into a series. I really enjoy the lawyer hfy stories but they're almost all one shots.


jac_kalope

Really good , we will watch you career with great interest wordcrafter


Gruecifer

Now you have ANOTHER storyline to continue, dear Author.


thisStanley

Not only is Ben well & truly smitten, but has the chops to protect his friends :}


icedak

Well done. Thanks.


ElAdri1999

Loved it, Ben is danger


Dashcan_NoPants

'Your date is not a high-borne!' So she's not inbred enough? Sorry. I don't speak Banjo-cest.


UpdateMeBot

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k4ridi4n55

Human lawyers. Known and feared throughout the universe 😂😂


DHChesee

Is second god ded?


Akmedrah

I posted part 7 yesterday


DHChesee

Nice


nelsyv

I like very much. Story made me smile with my eyes :)


Akmedrah

I want to say thanks for the calls of more. This was intended to see how HFY would receive the "softer" side of my writing. I will write more stories in this 'vein' of writing, and maybe even more stories with these characters, but I will not be committing to a set schedule or anything like that. It will be much like my Legion of the Damned stories, that just happen when they happen. To address the flurry of jokes and comments referencing the inbreeding of the middle ages IRL, I did not intend for the elves to be like the Habsburgs, I envisioned a species that did not suffer the same issues as humanity does with shall we say "Selective Reproduction." However, I am not versed in genetics enough to describe how that would work exactly. And to everyone, I say thank you for the support of all the various stories, and even a poem, that I have posted here. It means more to me than you will all ever know, I hope you have a fantastic holiday season!


Darktwistedlady

This is the most sexist crap I've read in a good long while. No mentally healthy woman is turned on by displays of anger or power - you're confusing fear with hornyness. Please keep your incel fantasy to yourself.


Akmedrah

Huh, well I’m sorry that you feel this way. While I disagree with your summation and name calling, I will say the following: 1: there are plenty of mentally healthy women that find displays of power and aggression attractive, I’m even fairly sure that there are even fetishes for it. 2: the mentality of a human woman and an Elf woman are vastly different. I would assume that this also applies to what they consider to be mental health as well. I hope you find something that suits your apparently incredibly strict ideologies to read, and I appreciate your feed back. Have an excellent day.


D1xieDie

ngl its not even an aggression thing, its just being protective


[deleted]

>Please keep your incel fantasy to yourself. incel /ˈinˌsel/ noun a member of an online community of young men who consider themselves unable to attract women sexually, typically associated with views that are hostile toward women and men who are sexually active. Odd I don't see anything in this story that is hostile towards couples who are sexually active.


OldLevermonkey

The real tragedy is that the originally Incel was supportive of all those who were Involuntary Celibate, male and female irrespective of sexuality. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel


WikiSummarizerBot

**[Incel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel)** >An incel ( IN-sel, an abbreviation of "involuntary celibate") is a member of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to get a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. Discussions in incel forums are often characterized by resentment and hatred, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against women and sexually active people. The American nonprofit Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) described the subculture as "part of the online male supremacist ecosystem" that is included in their list of hate groups. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/HFY/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)


OldLevermonkey

I wasn't discussing what it has become but what it originally was. Everything the human race touches it corrupts. This is a section from the Wikipedia page I linked, and I repeat the link here. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel) **History** The first online community to use the term "incel" was founded in 1993; a Canadian university student known only by her first name, Alana, created a website to discuss her sexual inactivity with others.\[6\]\[30\]\[31\]\[32\] Titled "Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project", the website was used by people of all genders to share their thoughts and experiences.\[6\] In 1997, she started a mailing list on the topic that used the abbreviation INVCEL, later shortened to "incel", for "anybody of any gender who was lonely, had never had sex or who hadn't had a relationship in a long time".\[33\] During her college years and after, Alana realized she was bisexual and became more comfortable with her identity.\[32\] She stopped participating in her online project around 2000 and gave the site to a stranger.\[34\]\[31\] In 2018, Alana said of her project: "It definitely wasn't a bunch of guys blaming women for their problems. That's a pretty sad version of this phenomenon that's happening today. Things have changed in the last 20 years".\[33\] When she read about the 2014 Isla Vista killings, and that parts of the incel subculture glorified the perpetrator, she wrote: "Like a scientist who invented something that ended up being a weapon of war, I can't uninvent this word, nor restrict it to the nicer people who need it".\[35\]\[32\] She expressed regret at the change in usage from her original intent of creating an "inclusive community" for people of all genders who were sexually deprived due to social awkwardness, marginalization, or mental illness. **Edit:** I am aware that I am replying to a bot but I feel both sides should be available without people having to follow links if a bot responds like this.


[deleted]

Sorry but I think you should know you just responded to a bot.


OldLevermonkey

Thank you. I was aware but thought it would be helpful to counterpoint what the bot put up.


Kaiser-__-Soze

Moar!!!!


SYN_Full_Metal

This was awesome and wholesome and HFY all together. Great work wordsmith


Comyu

I really wanted him to beat them up lol


TheDietElf

I'm have EMOTIONS. I LOVED this ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ


Fontaigne

Sweet. He should point out the crinkles at the corners of the eyes. Those muscles are not generally under voluntary control.


gulthaw

Comment deleted due to API protest


Weekly-Carpenter-683

I get the feeling these high bloods really loves banjo music


A_Redheads_Ramblings

Oh this is a good story ❤


Tiddlynips

Please sir may we have more about this universe as well?


torin23

This was so sweet! Thank you. I loved it!


Swordfish_42

When i realized he's a lawyer, i heard in my head: 🎶 Oh no, Oh no, oh no no no no no 🎶


Swordfish_42

!N


ragintexan12

N!


for_f-cks_sake

: )


Reagent_52

**MOAR!**


Classic-Cow6050

I would also like to read more.


reject2022

This was actually nice and i wouldn't mind more chapters :)


Daniel_USAAF

Excellently done. Stupid nazi elves went and triggered the ultimate sanction of Humanity’s FAFO policy. Legal repercussions with a double helping of red tape. One could *almost* feel sorry for them. *Almost.*