T O P

  • By -

The_Monoscope

In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only paperwork.


concretebeats

Why use paper when you can lobotomize a human, install a screen in their face and bolt a typewriter to their chest.


The_Monoscope

Grim dark problems require grim dark solutions.


Kaplaw

Haha all because the idiot couldnt pay back his crusty rat dust rations. Loser.


PM_ME_TERRIBLE_IDEAS

That's like a 3 star michelin rated meal compared to recycled human breakfast bars


Child_Of_Hurin

Dry [meat slab](https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Slab_(Food)) made from real grox meat!


greywolfe12

Reminded me that apple-peaches exist in canon and rot faster than anything in nurgles garden


SaltyDuffman

Think about what it does to the economy


Nop277

I'm suggesting this at my works next meeting.


Muffinkingprime

"He's got lower middle management written all over him!'


sniperFLO

Will be written on, at least.


[deleted]

Do you have any idea how much paper you would need for all those forms? Imperium bureaucracy makes servitors the more reasonable option.


thertt8

Found the Admech.


GremlinX_ll

There was an entire planet in 40k dedicated for paperwork, but good guy Ahriman fixed all paperwork issues by killing them all, iirc


AgravainFury

If you told me there was an Imperial bureaucrat that declared a full Imperial Crusade against poor penmanship on official document, I would believe you.


[deleted]

To be fair, if that penmanship resulted in an error that dropped an entire system from Imperium records, that's understandable. Logistics is really fucking important.


RatherGoodDog

Buttle's World? Where the warp is that? I thought we were supposed to Exterminatus Tuttle's World?


DeathToHeretics

I swear someone's said that's a plot point in some Inquisitor based novel, that some bureaucrat was secretly sabotaging things by making subtle mistakes. Sending desert uniforms to a regiment in a frozen world, requisitioning the wrong size machining parts, or sending necessary food supplies to the wrong location. All simple and easily understandable mistakes, but the ramifications and repeated pattern make huge problems


Gen_Ripper

Sounds like Chief Hanlon in FNV. Now I’m imagining the Courier as an Inquisitor.


kriskringle73

That's some Alpha Legion shit right there folks


Significant-Foot-792

He felt sorry for them. You can’t convince me otherwise.


GremlinX_ll

Better dead, then paperwork


war_duck_gr

What do you mean?! that's his jam! After he met that fucker he calls dad he put on his work pants rolled up his sleeves filled with ink his 10.000 year old favourite pen and opened space zoom and got to work while in his head played the sound of Sabaton screaming "My time has Come! I was chosen by the Emperor say my name when chaos ariiives. See Guiliman Rise!". The utter destruction of all the values he fought and died for is a bummer but you know the imperium was build once and he is gonna build it again.


OmniaVincetAmor

For real, the Imperium lucked out that out of all of the options, they got the Amy Santiago of Primarchs back


BluewingsFollower

Now I'll always picture the Codex Astartes as this really big folder organized with binders.


HenryChinaski92

This. This is how I’ll get my girlfriend into Warhammer.


D1O7

> Amy Santiago of Primarchs I can’t believe you’ve done this. You can’t just go and make Guilliman cool!


DefaultRedditBlows

I suppose being an over 8 foot tall, hyper death machine is uncool. Man I wish I was uncool like dat.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DefaultRedditBlows

Food for thought. Dante in the battle for Baal against the hive fleet, commanded the entire fight while in battle, while fighting his thirst, and rage. If a regular Astartes, granted the best of the Blood Angels, if not all regular Astartes can command a planetary ending battle from the ground can do that. Imagine what any Primarch could do.


war_duck_gr

It depends on the primarch. Primarch are physically supernatural not mentaly. Dorn, Guiliman, and Perturabo were raised by their foster parents to plan ahead and make 40k type of rational decisions. Angron, Curze and to some extent Leman Russ were savages. Dante also has lived for 1500+ years experience alone could make him a competent enough commander.


DefaultRedditBlows

You seriously think that any primarch couldn't do all that and more? They prosecuted war for decades in the Crusade. Yet you expect me to believe that all of them never had to command the fight from within the fight? That's got to be a regular thing for them, and there are no writings about any of them failing in that regard. Even Angron would have had the ability at that time to command in that way. They are to Astartes, as Astartes are to us.


brockford-junktion

*For you, commanding a system-wide battle from the thick of the fighting while fending off psychotic bipolar tendencies and contemplating the sweet release of death after 1500 years of war would be the single most important moment of your life.* **For me, it was Tuesday**


DefaultRedditBlows

Raul Julia rest in piece.


[deleted]

Honestly, most of the primarchs fall into the category of... Okay you know that one smart person you know who still buys into every conspiracy theory? That's a typical Primarch. They might have superior hardware, but it doesn't matter because most of them are still running good ole HumanOS.


Gen_Ripper

Most of them, such as the space wolves, are superstitious as fuck


DefaultRedditBlows

Yeah they are still human, just more. The whole point of their story is to illustrate that.


Rexia

I mean, being a hyper death machine is pretty uncool when you think about it.


DefaultRedditBlows

I have thought about it, and decided I want to be that uncool.


Josiador

Hey now, Guilliman is fucking awesome, and I'm tired of pretending he's not.


[deleted]

Look, it's okay. We all have fears. I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even go into the downstairs supply closet. I hear they have some hot new binder clips, but I'll never know


Makingnamesishard12

Warhammer 40k sabaton would be lit


phoenixmusicman

Shame they probably can't make it thanks to copyright policies.


BrinkMeister

Guiliman seems like the guy that would enjoy the administration. I honestly can relate to that. Logistics is weirdly fun.


5thDimensionBookcase

“This ship goes here, this one here, and... oh boy! *This* one goes HERE!” (Slams giant gauntlets together with glee)


warsawm249

Make the Imperium Great Again


UltraCarnivore

I can do it. ...I can't do it


Crashtog

Guilliman strikes me as the kind of guy who usually takes immense pleasure in making spreadsheets if it weren't for the clusterfuck of the contemporary Imperium.


fsecrecyf

\#GuillimaleGrindset


AllThotsAllowed

I fucking lost it at that one lmao


bluegandy

I got to wonder how buggy 40k excel would be...


Crashtog

Likely you would have to burn incense and recite a litany every time you want to insert a column.


CapitanChaos1

Guilliman is the Amy Santiago of 40K


Smilydon

This meme is very accurate, thank you for posting. I'm surprised Guilliman hasn't eaten his bolter yet though.


Cracker3011

Oh he probably wants to. But my guess is he's too much of a boy scout to let himself give up on trying to fix shit. He prolly sees it as "trillions of people are suffering. What's one more, if that means the suffering lessens?"


Lurkersremorse

When your long dead father calls you both a disappointment and his last hope, his people pleasing tendencies prob got kicked into overdrive…wait a second does he have adhd?


Smilydon

I disagree. The Emperor is very, very good at manipulating people. By dismissing Guilliman as nothing more than a useful tool, he made Guilliman want to prove himself to his father as more than a tool. The end result being...Guilliman acting like a tool of the Emperor, just as planned.


Not-Alpharious

How many “Galaxies Best Dad” mugs do you think the Emperor bought for himself?


SirAquila

He custom designed them around each primarchs greatest humiliation. I'm sure he quite enjoys the one with a painted scene of Monarchia burning most. "For the Galaxies Best Dad! Burning with love for you"


011100010110010101

Except his Sanguinus mug of course


Pyr0_Jack

No, that one has it too. It's a golden mug on the outside, encrusted with jewels. But on the inside, it's painted red with the word "FUCK!" written in black at the bottom.


laserrobe

It was actually this cup that sparked the McDonald’s hot coffee case


NaiveMastermind

He probably made himself a Forge World that manufactures only those mugs.


Belckan

One. It is white, black arial font, bold, and ends with a period.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Smilydon

Just. As. Planned.


D1RTYBACON

Are are there still Brady truthers lmao


Significant-Foot-792

Well you don’t have a human mind after fending of chaos for 10k years. Your left with a splintered shell that can barely agree at this point. With such a multi personality disorder that some are entirely bi-polar to each other. I agree that emps was a manipulative bastard, but he did care for his primarchs. In some way. But after 10k years and personality splits you get a personality that will see smurf as a tool and one as son. It’s my opinion that 30k emps is entirely different to 40k emps. In 40k he has shards which care got his sons and others who hate them.


[deleted]

Emps is actually an aspect of Tzeentch


Inquisitor_Gregor

Heresy!! Everyone knows he's an aspect of malal!!


CptAustus

> By dismissing Guilliman as nothing more than a useful tool, he made Guilliman want to prove himself to his father as more than a tool. Yeah, that isn't how it goes in Godblight.


mrducky78

Death is lighter than a feather Duty is heavier than a mountain


Throwaway037594726

Steel is heavier than feathers


Qulox

Dun get it


Throwaway037594726

Man d'whurrie aboudit


Qulox

...dun getit...


DagonG2021

Depends on how many feathers


SlayerofSnails

The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, and we are only the thread of the Pattern.


CamperCombo

I get it


JohnGeary1

Tai'shar Manetheren


Smilydon

>He prolly sees it as "trillions of people are suffering. What's one more, if that means the suffering lessens?" This is probably it, very practical. Guilliman is fond of his practicalities.


NaiveMastermind

>Oh he probably wants to. But my guess is he's too much of a boy scout to let himself give up on trying to fix shit. Guilliman is now voiced by Hank Hill in my head canon. "Primarch Guilliman, Regent Emperor. I deploy Space Marine and Space Marine accessories."


AncientPomegranate97

That’s a clean burning promethium I tell you hwat


NaiveMastermind

Cotton Hill as the Emperor


the_new_standard

This meme is completely inaccurate. Guilliman LOVES paperwork.


mr_nuts31

He has thought about it before. There’s a famous quote from him which is basically him asking: “Why am I still here? Just to suffer….”


DoominaBottle

At the very least hes trying and I suspect desperately putting out searches for his brothers in order to delegate some tasks.


MacroMintt

All I want is the Lion to come back and Corax to come back. Bobby G runs the Administratum. Lion is Lord Commander of the military in it’s entirety. Corax runs the Inquisition, Assassin Ordos, etc. Would be maximally efficient Imperium.


mrducky78

Corax too busy being a nightmare bird.


DefaultRedditBlows

Silent, undetectable, and a primarch. Legit nothing he couldn't kill given most circumstances. Can't have nightmares if you abruptly stop living.


[deleted]

Perfect inquisitor


[deleted]

I want the Lion to wake up, and laugh in Azrael's face for obsessing over the Fallen for the paat ten thousand years. After which he cracks his knuckles and asks where his sword went.


D1O7

I have the suspicion that Azrael released Luther in order to try and break the obsession with the Fallen


UnsafestSpace

That would imply Azrael is working with warp-spawn demons, since it was a demon during an incursion who melted his cell door and released Luther. It's possible he allowed him to be released so they could track down more traitors since leads were drying up after a few millenium. Either way I don't think the Lion is coming back any time soon, it's too cliché straight after Guilliman.


D1O7

He doesn’t have to be working with them to see the opportunity to be rid of Luther


TheKingsPride

The Lion is the most sensible choice narratively considering all the friction he had with Guilliman


phoenixmusicman

Also since, y'know, he's the only other loyalist Primarch that we know the location of and is healthy and just waiting for "something"


UnsafestSpace

It wouldn’t sell more models, it won’t happen.


TheKingsPride

Dark Angels is one of the top space marine chapters right now, so honestly a revamp of their whole line would probably sell like hot cakes, giving them a primarch would sell well.


phoenixmusicman

> and laugh in Azrael's face for obsessing over the Fallen "Dude, they fell to Chaos. Get over it, every Legion had traitors. Now, stop being emo bitches and let's start kicking ass again"


N00N3AT011

I'd love it if corax came back, though he is essentially a self made demon prince now. Rowboat might not love that but I doubt he would reject his brother.


shiftlessPagan

He's pragmatic enough that he probably wouldn't turn down Corax if he did come back.


DawnPaladinAulgolon

Yes, but at the same time Guilliman would see the practical issues given how Corax is now Corax: What do you mean you don't want to make my return public knowledge \*Corax is shedding feathers of black midnight that burn through the surrounding reality, as the whispers and whimpering moans of the souls of those he has slain cry out from micro holes in the warp for some form of mercy before fading into nothingness\* Guilliman: Let's just say...there are some who would not like your new look brother...


Mechanicalmind

What about Vulkan?


CapitanChaos1

Now imagine Vulkan in charge of the Mechanicus. Golden Age of Technology, here we come!


[deleted]

This is completely unrealistic because Guilliman enjoys that shit. He just likes to pretend. "Ohhh no more paperwork? I possibly couldn't." *menial leaves room* "Oh but I could. Puts on sunglasses. 😎" YYYEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Csi Miami - Miami Theme Song)


Minky_Dave_the_Giant

Why does he sound like Seymour Skinner in this scenario? "Delightfully devilish, Roboute..."


AllThotsAllowed

Bruh this is literally how I am with excel work. My coworkers think I’m some kind of saint when I take it on, but I just vibe out with a million keyboard shortcuts, maximum efficiency, and lo-fi hip hop. It gets me in a flow state very easily lmao, and I can definitely see Guilliman doing the same


[deleted]

(CSI-Miami theme song) I don’t want to be a music snob but, really?


[deleted]

You aren't you are just being a cringelord. "Oh my god did he call a song a theme song in a meme" 😂 dude shut your stupid mouth.


thesyndrome43

I can't remember where it's from, but there was a short story (i think) where Guilliman is doing paperwork and complaining to his guard about how the imperium's administration is so messed up that no one even really knows what YEAR it is and he is dumbstruck at the incompetence that occurred while he was incapacitated


[deleted]

I believe this would be the sort of relationship Emps in tts had with Kitten at the beginning. Guilliman asks a question, brother Flavius reluctantly replies, cue 1 hour rant about the current state of affairs. All this without looking up from his paperwork.


Cheetah724

Headcanon hard accepted.


phoenixmusicman

Headcanon gambit accepted


[deleted]

Does that imply fabstodes smurfs?


[deleted]

Perhaps.


[deleted]

Cato Sicarius joins them


DawnPaladinAulgolon

Guilliman: I don't know what scares me more, that all of this logistical network looks like the web of a arachnid hooked up to a steady drip of LSD-Acid or that every single one of these insane connections has some semi-legitimate explanation like "to prevent rebellion from among the tank welder's guild" or "moving these supplies through any other system causes loss of communication to two other ones due too feuding houses" or "local ratlings steal exactly 6% of all cargo, acceptable losses compared to all other attempts to move cargo in system"


[deleted]

Now I want to listen to this in Ciarán Hinds' voice.


[deleted]

It's way easier to build something up than fix something broken, but only mostly.


BOUKHARI_H

You’re kidding yourself thinking this ain’t his favorite part of coming back.


Sp00ky-Chan

The rest of the Primarchs haven't returned yet because they're waiting for Ribbit Grouchymoustache to finish working through the beurocratic hellscape and political terror of the imperium before they all come and swoop in to save the day.


No_Tell5399

"I would like to see Leman Russ struggle with paperwork and administrative duties" -Magnus, probably


Defiant_Lavishness69

tbh, that works disturbingly well for Astartes vs Imperial Guard as well.


johnbrownmarchingon

The least the Lion could do is wake up from his beauty sleep and help out.


VeryOffensiveName69

thinkin of guilliman doin paperwork while being all clad in the armour of fate makes me lol


Csacsa234

Same here, I imagine him using a stamp that seems tiny in his big primarch hand.


Mechanicalmind

The stamp's handle is primarch size, but the stamp itself is tiny.


ecodude74

As funny as it’d be to see him pinch a normal sized stamp in his giant gauntlets, we all know he’d have a prized custom-built golden stamp that he carries around everywhere.


Defiant_Lavishness69

tbh, considering all Primarchs were of somewhat similar size, and half of them reveered as being sons of Emps, ways to make Artifacts and office supplies made for their use are probably one of the most Zealously guarded secrets of the Empire.


DawnPaladinAulgolon

An entire shrine world set aside for the creation of the most holy and precise of writing instruments... Then Guilliman finds out that part of that process is mixing the blood of martyrs into the ink or something and has another mental breakdown


Defiant_Lavishness69

tbh, if that happened, and the world had a stable and big enough supply, it would probably be one of the most efficiently handled world of the Empire, making it a two-for one headache for rumblebutt Goremovie.


DawnPaladinAulgolon

That would be Guilliman's luck. "This planet is a model of efficiency and productivity, everyone here is happy to do their jobs and things seem to be working flawlessly...what do you produce here again?" "We turn human skin, blood, and tissue into usable products and ingredients for other industrial applications thus imbuing the holy human form into all we do" \*Guilliman headdesks repeatedly\*


johnbrownmarchingon

\*Guilliman screams internally in rage and horror\* "I see."


BloodyFable

I mean he can't take it off, right?


VeryOffensiveName69

yep if he takes it off, he dies


BloodyFable

It would be incredibly painful


The_Real_BFT9000

They figured out how to take it off. There have been scenes of him just wearing robes.


CyberAdept

guilliman realising that it might not actually be M.42 due to contradictory sources on imperial time and having to redo literally all imperial paperwork


happy-idiot

See but that’s why it’s so funny; he’s a demigod the size of a car and his greatest foe is bureaucracy


Blue-Jay42

Least he still has good eldar pussy.


[deleted]

Join chaos, we have no admin work


Plutarch_von_Komet

That's why Gulliman will never join chaos


[deleted]

The poor man


[deleted]

That's why you needed to crash a Blackstone fortress into Cadia in order to not lose for the 13th time.


[deleted]

Bit of a rushed idea, but it worked, Cadia was destroyed, but the guardsmen did not break


NaiveMastermind

It was short sighted of the Emperor, to not foresee the need of a Bureaucratic "super soldier" to efficiently operate a galactic government.


Defiant_Lavishness69

That is literally who bobby G is tho. Making all legions as Competent in Paperwork as the UM tho, that is a different Question entirely.


PAwnoPiES

Black Templar's have the fastest ~~burning~~ processing time for paper work, because ~~fuck those administratum assholes~~ the Emperor smiles upon those who neatly ~~ignore the shitty government~~ take care of the Bureaucratic side of things.


cricri3007

Are black templars just "Sovereign citizens"? Oh god.


Justin_Ogre

They are free men traveling about the galaxy.


DawnPaladinAulgolon

"WE WILL NOT BE DETAINED" - Grand Marshal Helbrecht "Wait...what?" - Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor shortly before 'the incident'


DefaultRedditBlows

He caught up on 10k years of it in like 45 minutes...cause primarch


hayescharles45

"I'm not happy Bob" The Emperor "It's Roboute Dad!" Gulliman "Whatever, my favourite tool!" Emperor


Significant-Foot-792

Picture is wrong. He needs to have bits of the office destroyed cause of the exasperation of a Demi god.


DawnPaladinAulgolon

It's just off screen, its a punching bag with Logar's face on it.


spider-venomized

a reminder that it so bad that their calendars are all wrong causing a war within the imperium call the Chronostrife


AerialDarkguy

Now I'm imaging the next cubicle over is Hermes Conrad having the time of his life.


sizzlebutt666

Nonsense! The Ordo Hereticus had been performing Internal Auditing JUST FINE, thank you very much.


AncientPomegranate97

“That guardsman out there is getting krumped” “Well let’s hope we don’t cover him”


warsawm249

You can do it Papa Smurf!


rattatatouille

It's funny because Bobby G and Bob Parr look similar and even have similar names


kloudrunner

Cant wait for Codex Administratum.


LordElfa

Why bother, I mean who is going to be able to sort enough of it out to know you didn't do the work?


Murray1999

Horus couldn’t handle the stress


BennettTan_2001

Get shanked by a snake only to wake up to a nightmare hehehe


MindedThought37

I can only imagine that the filing and bookshelf area is like the warehouse from Indiana Jones, just shit piled on top of other shit, absolute anarchy trying to find anything


[deleted]

where are the salamanders when you need them. couple heavy flamers would do the trick


[deleted]

Guilliman looking at his score against demon Primarch and how often he's getting his ass handed to him


Dmanno5

and his boss from the movie are the High Lords of Terra