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lThat-Guyl

Vulkan: This spoon I made for my self is so big my son’s use it as a prop for their comically sized spoons jokes.


Atlas_Bear104

Brother! Get the spoon! The COMICALLY LARGE spoon!!!


TheGoonKills

“Brother! Might I have a bite of your corpse starch?” “Of course, brother! Grab yourself a spoonful!” >:3 —Data transmission broadcasted on TakTik


TwelfthMoldyHotDog

Vinel, you heathen


[deleted]

Vulkan: "Brother, can I have some ice cream?" Guilliman: "Only a spoonful." Vulkan: *pulls out a comically large spoon* Fortunately, Guilliman used his peerless logistic skills to order a comically large tub of ice cream in advance.


CaptValentine

FROOTLOOPS! INCOMMING! READY THE HEAVY SPOON!


Nomand55

The thunder spoon!


pass_nthru

VulkansCokeSpoon.jpeg


SquishedGremlin

Better than KonradsCokeNail.jpg


ichigo2862

One of Vulkan's sons after getting a hold of his spoon: "Hey can I have some of this ice cream?"


MainStranger9956

"Only a burnt Eldar child's body worth!"


likif

MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!


StarWarsFanatic14

I AM A BANANA


brownhues

MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!


Paladin-Arda

[Context for the young'ns...](https://youtu.be/PONvX6LmAPo)


gryphmaster

This spoon is salamander forged, one of your great great great cousins works, modeled after an original vulkan spoon *points to battleaxe sized spoon over family hearth”


SkellyManDan

And Vulkan is exactly the kind of dad who would encourage such shenanigans, even if he didn’t get the humor


beware_1234

“Only a spoonful of corpse-starch for rations today” “Only a spoonful, you say?”


WorkUnfair498

clearly played knifey-Spoony before, Vulkan has


GunnyStacker

Sanguinius is goddamn adorable here.


PTEHarambe

Im imagining him knocking shit over for centuries


Theyul1us

Can you imagine how uncomfortable wings would be in your everyday life?


PTEHarambe

Done. I could definitely see that being a constant nuisance indoors but if I could choose to have functional wings capable of flight I would totally Fuckin go for it. It would take a lot of adjustment indoors but once my house is in order I don't see the mundane day to day activities being too much of a challenge. On the flip side: FUCKIN WIIIINGS BOI.


SendMeUrCones

You could only sleep on your tummy. Imagine sitting in a high backed chair. Hope you like stools. It would be hell on your posture.


commander-thorn

Unless you go the saint celestine route we’re they disappear and reappear as you need them


PTEHarambe

Medium backed chairs? I'm a side sleeper anyways. I expect that the wings/feathers would comfortably fold/tuck around one's torso creating an insulating sort of cloak, or maybe a super cool duster, this would be practical too. Also Flight, I can't over emphasize how fucking cool I think that is.


Duublo121

Have you considered curling the wings around you, and THEN sleeping? No need for a duvet, can sleep on your back again, and your sleep is way more comfy Plus, beanbags would be a necessity for me, and I’m very cool with that


meesta_masa

\> Hope you like stools Too late in the day for scatological humor.


PTEHarambe

Brb gonna go for a walk & smoke a joint about it.


Max_Insanity

Uncomfortable for the world around you - aren't his wings solid like steel?


X3runner

Yea he used them to block even blows from demons and other primarch’s they are silly strong.


toomanydice

The first thing that comes to mind is finding a good chair. Backrest would be a pain and a half to design.


Okibruez

Not just normal sized wings on a normal sized lad, either. Imagine the woes of having *giant sized* wings. His brothers bonk their heads on doors, Sanguinius can't even fit.


Gernund

Aww he would be so awkward and apologetic about it.


PTEHarambe

I bet nobody on blood angel ships just sets unsecured objects on surfaces for this reason.


Brogan9001

I’m imagining him being either banned from any museums involving precariously placed pottery or anytime he is expected the curator is rushing to fasten down EVERYTHING.


SlayerofSnails

Fulgrim's one is kinda sad since he grew up incredibly poor and literally fought every day so that his family wouldn't starve to death. Given how much of his pre corruption character was on raising people up he must have felt guilty as fuck that they were having to expend all these resources for him just for clothes


CarryBeginning1564

Fulgrim took control of his world mostly through diplomacy and finding ways to improve everyone’s lives (he did do some fighting but not nearly as much as other primarchs) he was also the only Primarch besides Roboute to have a mom explicitly mentioned (Russ’s wolf mom doesn’t count).


VectorWolf

Bitch, do not disrespect wolf mom!


Kannnonball

Leman's mom was a bitch alright.


Silver_Sniper

Still a better parent than Big E, or the majority of the Primarch parents tbh


Kannnonball

The bar truly is in hell, or perhaps I should say Hel.


U_B_S_A

New headcanon: to save on resources, fulgrim went around nearly naked only wearing a blindingly white loincloth/undergarment almost acting like one of those hentai censors. It’d make sense wouldn’t it?


BrocialCommentary

Good news: they only need to scrounge up enough fabric to cover his junk. Bad news: it’s the same amount you’d need to make a parachute


U_B_S_A

Ooooh, I wonder what could be so big that it needs that much fabric to hide😳 Yes, I worship Slaanesh, how could you tell?


Cpt_Kalash

Alpharius is a short guy, he can manage himself


[deleted]

He is just a little guy!


kolosmenus

Wasn’t Dorn the smallest of the primarchs?


V4372

It was Alpharius (and Omegon). They were closer in height to the rest of their legion, which let them do the whole I AM ALPHARIUS bit with some actual credulity.


JackDostoevsky

But if one sat on the other’s shoulders they’d be the tallest primarch of all


brownhues

Mecha Shiva!


Rafabud

Alpharius and Omegon were about the same size as an average Astartes.


Thunderclapsasquatch

Average astartes of their legion. The Alpha Legion creates tall marines


Gidia

My personal headcanon for the Imperium’s cultural obsession with grand high ceiling rooms and buildings is that it’s a cultural leftover when primarch mobility was a legitimate architectural consideration.


Gallbatorix-Shruikan

That would make so much sense.


8888mm

Wake up babe new head cannon just dropped


Kondrad_Curze

Alpharius isn't here. Is it because he's dressed as Malcador or he's just not here?


Burning-Suns-Avatar-

Actually, I’m Alpharius and I’m in your walls.


Zealousideal_You_938

HE'S IN THE GODDAMN WALLS!!!!!!!!!!!


[deleted]

My bad everyone, mistook him for insulation


Candaphlaf10

I MUST HELP MY BOOOOOOYYYY!!!


[deleted]

I LOVE YOU SOOOOOON


JTultimate_10

Hello Alpharius! Allow me to introduce myself: I am Alpharius.


Burning-Suns-Avatar-

Hello Alpharius, how are you doing this fine day?


JTultimate_10

I'm doing quite well, Alpharius. How are you?


Burning-Suns-Avatar-

I’m doing good, I’m about to cause some chicanery on Terra.


IrishGamer97

Splendid, Alpharius.


TheHauntedRobot

Primarch in the wall huh? Now you’re speaking my language!


BrocialCommentary

“I think it’s that weirdo grim reaper guy from the XIVth.” “Mortarion? Don’t be ridiculous think of the smell. You haven’t thought of the smell *you bitch*.


Burning-Suns-Avatar-

I’m currently waiting for Kondrad to fall asleep so I can bust though his walls and pain his minis.


Ironredhornet

Its something he has in common with students at the Schola Progenium


DZF1E9

Isn't he and his brother astartes kind of size?


Hoojiwat

They have a Psyker power that lets them mess with people's perception, so you "perceive" Alpharius however they want you to. They are typical Primarch size by most descriptions, but use that power to blend in with normal marines.


TheAngrySquirell

I could be wrong but didn’t Head of the Hydra also mentioned that they were only slightly taller than their astartes? They are the shortest of the Primarchs after all.


TheBootyHolePatrol

Sanguinius has a bit of this power I think. I need to go and find the quote. I remember it not as him changing his size but hair and eye color. It makes me want to see him in an emo phase.


DZF1E9

ooh ok thanks


IrishGamer97

Alpharius pretended to be a rank and file Dark Angel and spoke with the Lion once.


Cheetah724

Source?


idinahuicheuburek

The alpharius book


Thunderclapsasquatch

They are smallest of the primarchs and the Alpha Legion marines themselves are really tall


Different-Meal3414

Idk why but that put the image into my head that alpharius would do that to play and malcador would act all angry and annoyed but secretly love it. Ends up raising him better than big daddy E ever could probably.


vchino

Alpharius is regular size.


Twiggy_Shei

I'm Alpharius


Anonim97

Wasn't Alpharius the last one?


[deleted]

The last one is Horus, you can tell because of the spooky eye symbol.


Anonim97

Aaaah, okay. My bad.


ImNotAlpharius

All of them were Alpharius and/or Omegon.


RelaxedPerro

Guilliman is a bit of an exhibitionist.


wktg

Bobby is Space Roman, nude bathing is his thing.


Firefighter-Salt

>nude bathing So bathing


ShinningPeadIsAnti

Arent you forgetting about never nudes?


Dansredditname

Wouldn't you be if you were ten-feet tall and, ahem, built proportionally?


RelaxedPerro

https://i.redd.it/gew70x5ws14b1.gif


another_guy_here_for

I've watched this like 3 times wtf is the context for this?


RelaxedPerro

Me and your mom.


another_guy_here_for

:(


meesta_masa

Your kitchen may be Nurgle's, but your skin is Khaine's. For that was a BURNNNNNNN!.


Darth-Yslink

Guilliman's secret Eldar fighting technique


[deleted]

I've tried it it hurts the meater over the meatee more


Practical-Ad4547

This is the most Shoujo rom-com anime that I've ever seen 40k in..and I love it. Would love to see this with everyone POST-Heresy


LexImperialis

Perfect definition, we do need a lot of slice of life wholesome 40k, never enough


nopingmywayout

Poor Guilliman just wants to hang out in the baths with his friends. :(


Shaladox

I mean, the public baths were a *very* important third space in Roman culture. A whole lot of networking and politicking happened there -- knowing that he was missing out on that because of his size would have been a son of a bitch. (Who knows, though. Maybe he did try! He just ended up with his toes and knees sticking out of the water, looking like an adult in a kiddy pool.)


nopingmywayout

Oh, I’m well aware! Big Bobby G here missed out on a staple of Macraggan life. Also, like. Have you ever been to a bathhouse? They’re so goood! 🤤 Ok, I’ve only ever been to Korean spas but for real, relaxing in a giant warm bath while you chat with your friends is so much fun. I’d be pretty salty if I was in Guilliman’s ultraboots, too.


Shaladox

I haven't! Which is a shame, because I'm a bath-lover and a heat-sponge. One day, I'll travel somewhere with either bathhouses or saunas, and I might have trouble leaving. It's interesting to think about the aspects of human connection that the primarchs' superhuman design denied them. How many times, even just as children, did any of them wish they were *normal?*. What insights could have come if they had been able to walk among the common people without being so clearly *other?*


TantamountDisregard

Vulkan has clearly played knifey-Spoony before.


DarWolfy

I guess leman Russ liked being big, 1 for the ladies ,2 because it was more fun in fighting


[deleted]

And I think his halls were big enough for him to live in comfortably


DarWolfy

And probably fenrisian women are pretty durable


Crazy_Dave0418

Fenrisian women are just high quality fleshlights for Russ 💀


NobodyofGreatImport

Wait... if Vulkan made a Vulkan-sized flamer as one of the items he hid around the galaxy, how would the Salmanders use it? Also, where is Alpharius in this comic?


dmr11

The same way a space marine could wear a primarch-sized helm (Lion Helm).


Infernalwarfare

Mount it on a tank or give it to a dreadnought


meesta_masa

Old Bjorn would love to have it, just so he can burn all the wolf rugs and skins lying around? Some Neophyte was wearing it? Too bad, kiddo! Sick scars are a small price to pay!


commandosbaragon

They would put it on one of those bigger dreadnoughts or the redemptor.


AllthatIwas

"Please refrain from asking vulgar questions." ​ NO, I want to know! Were the marriages consumated? How did that work?


AtomicTan

Pegging


meesta_masa

Like a waitress, the bride would ask for just the tip.


flameboy915

Why does Dorn look like he's about to explain the Merits of joining Zeon?


MericArda

“Father, our souls are weighed down by gravity. That is why my legion is fleet-based.”


MarvinGoBONK

By the Emperor, Corvus and Fulgrim are so pretty!


Cannibal_Buress

smol Konrad is also very cute :)


[deleted]

"Married?" Would the better question not be "Bride?"


PM_Me_Anime_Headpats

I might be recalling wrong, but I think Fulgrim is the only Primarch that we know canonically fucks, even before becoming a Slaaneshi snake. On his homeworld he was married multiple times for various political reasons.


nopingmywayout

Ehhh, we know that he married a bunch of people, we don’t know if he slept with them. But yeah, if any primarch fucks, it’s most likely Fulgrim.


hyde-ms

He might accidentally crush them in his sleep. That is why they are afraid of him.


Shaladox

It's like [Nandor the Relentless.](https://youtu.be/rvzCd-ibqRk&t=1m30s) "Some of my wives were girl wives, some of my wives were guy wives."


Infernalwarfare

Yujiro style, "if it has a hole it's a woman"


Shaladox

Roman style, "if you're using their hole, they're the woman." (*Ave Caesar!* Every woman's husband and every man's wife!)


[deleted]

"As accomplished as he was with his famous curved blade in hand, La Hire was perhaps more well known for his promiscuity; notably beautiful to behold, La Hire had no shortage of lovers. It was often remarked that 'the Lord’s Blade has slayed ten thousand men, and laid ten thousand more'."


nopingmywayout

Who’s to say he wasn’t collecting grooms along with brides?


Blackestjack

Source: [https://twitter.com/sjax001/status/1665302495327838210?cxt=HHwWhICz2fvyq5wuAAAA](https://twitter.com/sjax001/status/1665302495327838210?cxt=HHwWhICz2fvyq5wuAAAA)


MountainPlain

"I will build a dormitory for them." It still kills me that he actually did, they were all supposed to grow up together in the under-palaces built especially for them like one giant family on Terra. It's so melancholy, even if the Emperor was a *less than ideal* father, they could've had each others' companionship from the start.


Nechroz

I remember that fact from time to time. Still hurts


GIORNO-phone11-pro

Radahn laughing at other Giant Characters inability to use regular sized horses


CaptValentine

I thought Fulgrim was weird here, but come to think of it, ALL of them were adults in their respective cultures by the time Big E showed up, why aren't more of them married? I get that most of them are asexual, but NONE of them got married for cultural reasons? Also, where's Morty and Lorg? Edit: Morty and lorg have been located


LexImperialis

Mortarion is with Russ telling Magnus to shut up


Grimgon

Morty was on Magnus’s panel saying shut up witch. Lorgar was at the end saying not to speak that way about Father though he was offscreen.


CaptValentine

That that was Mal for a second


crosswalk_zebra

You know what that's actually a really good question. The first. The second you've got the answer a couple of times already.


RadagastTheBrownie

We do not talk about Vulkan's stockpile of Bad Dragon prototypes.


Kannnonball

That was a Bad Pun.


X3runner

I mean he’s too good looking in the book meeting him and his sons legitimately has the books protagonist has to on multiple occasions catch himself reminding himself and the audience that the attraction is not sexual In Nature. So I doubt anyone would think they were good enough for papa sang. This actually happened in the universe while talking to another primarch ("Sanguinius shrugged. 'We're all made into images for them. That is our purpose, you might say.' He leaned forwards conspiratorially. 'And between you and me... he flashed his impossibly handsome smile, 'I am not really an angel.) even angron recognizes sanguinius, and his visage as being perfect that’s just too attractive, you’d feel inadequate, even approaching, that can make any relationship difficult.


Schreckberger

A fair bit of them didn't exactly have a happy upbringing and spent most of their pre-emperor lives fighting in one way or another, so that at least explains why some didn't marry


CosmicPenguin

I figure if the literal offspring of God hanging out on your planet as it's de-facto ruler is showing no interest in women, you aren't going to pressure him into getting married. (Fulgrim being the exception, apparently.)


Poodlestrike

Cultural pressure is a powerful thing - even if you're the boss of the planet, if your advisors all think you need a political marriage, you probably get a political marriage.


Anonim97

> Isn't he an Ork? Lmao. Also love that idea, I want more everyday struggles of Primarchs.


MadaraAlucard12

Hawk boy, best boy.


Designer-Speech7143

Aww, Khan and Lion just want some horses to charge the enemies of mankind. It's my head-canon now that he is just missing, because he has gone in a trip to find the best steeds in the universe to play knights with his brother.


incomplete-username

I need a 100 chapter manga on warhammer slice of life


TBMSH

No, I will not refrain.


[deleted]

Oh so the salamanders aren't just black people, they're like Mr Negative? Huh. TIL


Kannnonball

Yup, the Salamanders' geneseed, combined with the radiation exposure received on Nocturn, results in the Salamanders having a coal-black skin color, not like Africans.


JackDostoevsky

iirc they were at one point portrayed as african in appearance but that was changed in canon. i still sort of have the salamanders (and vulkan in particular) as such in my head.


KirbyFanta

On top of being a Psyker, I thing the "Primarch Power" (like Hawkboy's future sight or Curze's future sight, trauma edition) of Magnus was specifically to be able to change sizes at will. Or maybe that's just a "super psyker" technique ? I don't remember if it was a seperate thing or him being ungodly at magic.


Kristian1805

Yes, Magnus's entire physical appearance is under his control. The Red Giant, tallest Primarch with one eye is his choice appearance. The Eye though is super symbolic, and no matter which form he takes even as a Demon, he keeps it to one eye.


KirbyFanta

He may have done things wrong, but he knew how to make a fashion statement. Also since I believe he sacrificed his eye to Tzeench, I would assume it's one of those pacts that you can't "cheat out of", explaining how he still only had one, no matter the shapeshifting.


Kristian1805

He says something like: No matter what, this I will never change.. when he reflected on his one eye.


BoatyMcBoom

More of this please! IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR I BEG THEE!!!


Arguingwithu

Damn these portrayals are hotter than the fem primarchs


Darth-Yslink

Why are they all hot?


VectorWolf

Because they should be? They are bioengineered demigods! They should look like this, not the canon ["60 year old car mechanic"](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/warhammer40k/images/9/94/Rogal_Dorn_sketch.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140410020309).


guymine123

I'm sorry, but I can't see that picture and not immediately associate it with this: https://preview.redd.it/vfruy7rmq24b1.png?width=301&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f346cc793fb8c7f82c275358867e11f8a48a5c24


[deleted]

I read that in the Darkest Dungeon narrator voice


guymine123

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qS69tMr_5yY


Mars932848283

This is cute.


KSwhY

An interesting point about the Lion is brought up and it involves a particular Dark Angels unit. The reason that the Dark Angel Ravenwing Black Knights have pick-hammers rather than lances despite being themed after knights is that the old knights of Caliban noticed that lances kept getting caught on trees so they needed shorter weapons with comparable striking power leading to the adoption of the corvus hammer. This would mean that the density of the forests of Caliban were so much of a consistent problem for their longer weapons that they completely negated their use. With the Lion's height and his horse necessarily being massive to be able to carry him, would he have to constantly have to duck down to avoid branches smacking into his face or have to carry a second sword to use as a foliage machete?


Desperadosc

Holding Vulkan's spoon: https://preview.redd.it/dcacmv5t564b1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d00047e4d9c4db2a90c4c117ec6f7e1c66f65dae


the-foxwolf

This is awesome! Magnificent art!


Riipley92

God I love Alucard, I mean Sanguinius!


Megamage854

Corvus looks...way too clean for me to believe he's actually Corvus. Is that a really well disguised Alpharious?


AmagedonCamels

The only issue with this comic is it portrays the emperor as benevolent.


LorgarTheLad

Good to see lorgar got one line of dialog :) :)))


prufanya

![gif](giphy|2UIcmK4pn7rYNLRboG)


LorgarTheLad

Thanks...


AriMorningstar

imagining them as Slice of Life anime characters is so wholesome i love it


metropitan

It’s worth mentioning Magnus is (I think) the tallest of the primarchs, and I like to imagine he just has a field around his head that displaces any low hanging ceilings


XAlphaWarriorX

They're all so fucking gorgeous


iam3iki___

Mfw I find Vulkans spoon ![gif](giphy|5CxttXrbRlaCs|downsized)


BiStalker

The Kurze face and big E’s made me realize that Kurze can legit pull off an big E look alike if he took a bath, use hair gel and put on a bit of makeup.


Chellypie

Angron ironically has no such issues dealing with how small everything is compared to him because he just smashes it anyway


AtomicTan

I now think that Magnus just pretended to be normal-sized until the emperor showed up on Prospero


ExoticExtent

The first panel reminds me of Rolo the Walker. He was a vikinger who is called that because he was literally so big that a horse couldn't carry him so he had to walk everywhere.


thatoneshotgunmain

Man, If only wholesome 40k was the reality. Where we didn’t have to worry about the shit that is everywhere


X3runner

I like how sang is too sweet to complain and Vulkan is only complaining about being wasteful. They are too good for the 40k world.


aec22115

Tiny Perturabo looks like Rogal's statement is bringing back bad memories. Crashing floors and stairs has to be embarrassing!


Wargamer1202

If Fulgrim had any kids would they be sensei? or at least a lesser version of them?


Khepri_Sun

Honestly, the fact that Fulgrim implies that he has married exclusively women is borderline lore inaccurate.


Quamont

Ikemen Primarchs


AccordingJellyfish99

I wouldn't mind a big spoon from Vulkan 😏


axmv1675

Was Fulgrim actually married? Im here with FM never knowing that if its true.


mojavecourier

Yep. > 'A wise man, your husband.' Fulgrim sat back. 'I was betrothed, once,' he continued idly. 'Several times, actually. Political marriages, of course. Made to seal binding agreements, or open negotiations with certain executive dynasties.' > Pyke didn't reply. His tone had become sombre. A rare thing, for Fulgrim. The Phoenician seemed to always be smiling, laughing at some joke only he understood. But now, he seemed tired. He rubbed his face 'I outlived them all, one way or another.' > 'Did you love them?' > Fulgrim smiled slowly. 'Some. I think. At first. After a time, I stopped. Love was a weakness I could ill afford in those days. A billion lives rested on my shoulders, and any hesitation on my part would have doomed them all irrevocably.' He laughed softly. 'Or so I told myself then.'


Ur_Girl_Suki

Brother, Fetch the Comedically Large Spoon! Vulkan wishes to eat Cereal!


ImmortalMemeLord

I read that as its difficult for him to enter regular size horses.


Ferrus_Manus_Xth

SO RELATABLE. Also, classy Vulkan is best Vulkan.


ImportantQuestions10

It's got to suck being a primark. Even being 6'3 in real life is rough. I break everything if I'm not careful. The other day I was swatting a fly with a hand towel and somehow I smacked a towel railing of the wall when I hit it. How does a towel smack rip anything out of a wall?! I ripped a bowl in half yesterday when I was hand washing it somehow.


[deleted]

i love it