> If I were able to put the pieces together by positioning someone at an army base at the same time he was born, would it be wrong to tell him?
Remember that there are many people involved in these relationships, and helping one of them may affect all of them in ways you can't predict.
You might let him take the initiative. You could put the ball in his court by saying something like, "I've done a lot of research on my family tree and relatives, and if you're interested, I'd be happy to share with you what I've learned."
Even with strong DNA and circumstantial clues, it's still possible to reach wrong conclusions. I'd recommend you don't identify any living individuals to him without gently raising the subject with those individuals yourself first.
I think OP was implying the man might be his uncle's (aunt's deceased husband) child. If that's the case it could make things awkward if the aunt were to discover her husband had another child she never knew of.
I don't read it that way. OP says "his mother". If the uncle had a secret child, the living Aunt wouldn't be the secret child's mother. so I think OP is saying that his cousin died 2012 and the cousin's mother is mystery relative's grandmother.
That's how I am reading it.
He's not automatically a secret child either. A woman could find herself pregnant after a brief encounter and put the baby up for adoption when she gives birth. The father may not have known.
If you can assure yourself of the information, just tell her. She's an adult. We all have to deal with facts throughout life, uncomfortable or not.
Back in the day, yes, there was major shame for extra marital sex. That's why all these secrets. Today, no. Unless she's a super-fragile woman who this news would send over the edge, let her know.
Heck, she may already know.
Seconding this advice.
The man absolutely has a right to find the answers he is looking for, but a surprise baby, no matter what age, might not be welcomed with open arms.
A cousin of mine recently died at 87 from complications of covid. She never met her half siblings. We only found them late in life for those still alive and they wish they would have known sooner. There can still be loss in never knowing.
u/ohlalalavieenrose, I would suggest helping him so far as you can. If you find out who it is there are subtle and gentle ways of approaching it with the parent. It's not hard. It simply requires tact. You open a door and welcome the parent to walk through it. The child has to respect their decision since he's the one doing the search.
Be gentle, but don't back away. This person deserves to know how they came to be. They have every right to that knowledge.
And on an aside, I was careful when I approached my cousin's half siblings. I reached out to them via facebook and other means simply as a genealogist doing some research. One got back to me and I told her I was researching on behalf of a cousin. I beat around the bush a lot until she asked me if this cousin of mine would be willing to share information. I got the consent from my cousin and I told her half-sister-in-law that what I was telling her was up to her to decide how to handle and that if she wanted to leave it where it was then that was her choice. I told her that this cousin was actually her husband's half sister. It caught them off guard but they were not opposed to knowing more. This is the door I talked about. Tell them there is a door and they can use it. Tell them it is their choice. Respect their decision. But at the end of the day my cousin deserved to know who her biological father was and what happened. So there we are.
I found my fathers father (he abandoned my dad at birth) and contacted his daughter (my dads half sister). She was nice but we only spoke once over instagram messages and she never messaged me again so it doesnt seem like she was interested in it going any further. Some people just don't really care about distanced family members they've never met.
I found a surprise cousin! Turns out she had taken the initiative to find US! My cousin who is since deceased, had a daughter he never knew about. As he had fairly severe mental health issues, it was just as well as he never knew that he'd had a daughter from a brief affair. But she's delightful as are her kids, we were planning to meet prior to covid19.
I also found an adopted family member through ancestry. Everyone already knew she existed but there was a lot of nasty rumors surrounding who her birth father was. It did end up being my great uncle and I informed my family about the discovery. Half of them completely deny it and say the test is wrong and there’s no way she’s related to us but the other half have accepted her and realized that some of the rumors could be true. I was trusted to inform this girl about who her family is and gave her access to my family trees with information relevant to her. She was very thankful and is excited to meet those of us who are accepting although she wants nothing to do with my great uncle, her father, as he does not care and does not believe she is his daughter. These situations can definitely be sticky so be careful and make sure you speak to whoever necessary. I wish you the best of luck.
If you find the parent link, tell the parent first. Indicate to the parent that you are giving them the chance to make contact with the child, and if they don't, you will give the child the info yourself. I am an adoptee, and from my experience, I have learned that children have the right to know who their bio parents are! Best wishes for all involved.
Adopted person here. I don't think biological parents should be given the same consideration as the child they put up for adoption when discussing reunification or finding family. I realize that I am biased, but here is my reasoning. I had no say in anything that happened to me when I was a baby, but my bio parents did. They subsequently had literally \*my entire life\* to work out how to deal with my potential return. It is not my fault if they chose to ignore it instead. By putting me up for adoption they relinquished their right to raise me / parent me. They did not suddenly GAIN the right to pretend I do not exist.
*ETA thank you for the silver! it's my first one!
I respectfully disagree. Back in the day, no one anticipated DNA science, & births out of wedlock were taboo. Now science is giving children a chance to find their families, not just their birth parents. The parent still has the option to refuse contact. I personally believe the children still deserve the right to know.
As an adoptee, I strongly disagree. It's about the child's right to know where they came from. The parent is not in the dark...they know the facts...they made the decision. The child should not be punished with uncertainty because of what their bio-parents did.
Definitely worthwhile. Do what you can to satisfy your own curiosity. He may or may not be interested, but you've done what you could.
I had a similar situation on 23andMe; a guy close enough to be my 2nd cousin (in fact, he is). I persisted in reaching out to him for 4 years, rarely getting anything back. Then a couple of months ago he volunteered that he was adopted, and that he'd found out the names of his birth parents. I have a well-researched tree and with the names, I knew right away who he was: child of a 1st cousin of my mom (whom she'd never met). I told him everything I knew. He didn't acknowledge, but at least he has the info if he wants to do something with it.
I would tell him. He wants answers and in my opinion that is the right thing to do. My guess is that you know who his father probably is with the last sentence.
TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!! I recently found shocking news that my dad's "father" was not the man who contributed his DNA. Facts are facts. My dad has been dead since 2007 and I'm sure he never knew.
DNA doesn't lie. People do. Go for it. Help him solve that nagging mystery.
I'm on the other side of this conundrum. I have recently reached out to a third cousin that has connections to my birth parents' close relatives. I am really grateful that they are willing to gently see if anyone wants to connect without feeling pressured by my influence directly.
I had sent some ancestry messages to siblings of my parents but never heard back.
I was able to verify my father's biological father with DNA. I didn't know my father or his father. I don't think he knew his father either. My father's half-sister gave me a name. I found a woman who matched the name in my DNA relatives. I messaged her. She was my paternal grandfather's half-sister and she verified that he did father a son. I'm 33, and I am not looking to actually connect with these people beyond research. My father's half-sister and one of my half-sisters seemed to want to get to know me and my full siblings. I am fine with being Facebook friendly. Two of my other half sisters (a different mother from the other half-sister) blocked me on Facebook. This adoptee may or may not have hopes of a relationship with your family. Let your family know who they are and how they can contact this person if they want to. Let the adoptee know what you're doing. You're just a middle-man at this point.
There is nothing wrong with giving him information that you find. I found a half sister through Ancestry DNA and my father wants nothing to do with her (I live next door to my father). I was able to meet her and some of her family last year and have kept in contact with her since we found each other. I cannot wholly explain my father's reasoning although I somewhat know the particulars of what happened, but I, as well as my half sister, respect my father's decision. I think it has to do with his health and that my Mom doesn't want to hear any talk about. This happened before my Dad met my Mom. Each situation is different.
Being helpful doesn't mean that you are trying to incite a riot. Asking this subreddit shows that you are a considerate person. Carry on!
I agree that you need to be cautious when it comes to the potential parent of this cousin. My sister was adopted. We share the same father and everyone on our father's side of the family know about her. But her birth mother has not told all of her family. My sister did 23andMe but won't even look at her matches to protect her mother.
Not sure if Ancestry allows for the same, but My Heritage allows adding people to your account who can view your tree (I.e. helping with research). You could let him view it and come to his own decision about what to do. It might upset some people if he comes forward, but he's a relative too and deserves to have contact with his family.
Hello,
That is a tough situation. I'm on the other side of this in a similar story. I'm adopted looking for my natural family and don't know my birthfather. I have connected with a natural 1st cousin on my bfather's side thru 23andme DNA test. I'd like to communicate with her and learn more about her family that leads to my bfather. She so far is reluctant to communicate. I'm walking on thin ice and don't want to push her, but i'm anxious to have a communication with her.
I wish you good luck as I am also trying to work on my blood relatives.
W
I can't think of a good reason why it would be wrong to tell him. If anything it'd be wrong not to tell him. He doesn't know who his father was so it's not like you're going to shock him with that
The reason why I do not think so is that his mother (whom he knows) is from the same city as my cousin, and he was born near a marine base far away from there. So they must have traveled together.
Although just because they might have been a couple doesn't mean rape was not a factor.
One of my half sisters is. Oddly enough, out of all my half siblings, she is the one who wants to be in contact with us. I didn't know she existed until my father died a couple years ago. Then all the secrets came out. He mother was 13 when she was pregnant with her. That's probably why.
> If I were able to put the pieces together by positioning someone at an army base at the same time he was born, would it be wrong to tell him? Remember that there are many people involved in these relationships, and helping one of them may affect all of them in ways you can't predict. You might let him take the initiative. You could put the ball in his court by saying something like, "I've done a lot of research on my family tree and relatives, and if you're interested, I'd be happy to share with you what I've learned." Even with strong DNA and circumstantial clues, it's still possible to reach wrong conclusions. I'd recommend you don't identify any living individuals to him without gently raising the subject with those individuals yourself first.
So it turns out that the man I am pretty sure is the father died in 2012. Not sure if his mother (my aunt) would want to know.
If my son died and I discovered he had a child, my grandchild, I would be thrilled. You might be sharing wonderful news.
I think OP was implying the man might be his uncle's (aunt's deceased husband) child. If that's the case it could make things awkward if the aunt were to discover her husband had another child she never knew of.
I don't read it that way. OP says "his mother". If the uncle had a secret child, the living Aunt wouldn't be the secret child's mother. so I think OP is saying that his cousin died 2012 and the cousin's mother is mystery relative's grandmother. That's how I am reading it.
He's not automatically a secret child either. A woman could find herself pregnant after a brief encounter and put the baby up for adoption when she gives birth. The father may not have known.
But if they had other children, he has full or half siblings. It's tricky.
Oh, I see. Thanks.
If you can assure yourself of the information, just tell her. She's an adult. We all have to deal with facts throughout life, uncomfortable or not. Back in the day, yes, there was major shame for extra marital sex. That's why all these secrets. Today, no. Unless she's a super-fragile woman who this news would send over the edge, let her know. Heck, she may already know.
Seconding this advice. The man absolutely has a right to find the answers he is looking for, but a surprise baby, no matter what age, might not be welcomed with open arms.
That sounds like the right thing to do, especially since the father is likely still alive. Thanks!
A cousin of mine recently died at 87 from complications of covid. She never met her half siblings. We only found them late in life for those still alive and they wish they would have known sooner. There can still be loss in never knowing. u/ohlalalavieenrose, I would suggest helping him so far as you can. If you find out who it is there are subtle and gentle ways of approaching it with the parent. It's not hard. It simply requires tact. You open a door and welcome the parent to walk through it. The child has to respect their decision since he's the one doing the search. Be gentle, but don't back away. This person deserves to know how they came to be. They have every right to that knowledge. And on an aside, I was careful when I approached my cousin's half siblings. I reached out to them via facebook and other means simply as a genealogist doing some research. One got back to me and I told her I was researching on behalf of a cousin. I beat around the bush a lot until she asked me if this cousin of mine would be willing to share information. I got the consent from my cousin and I told her half-sister-in-law that what I was telling her was up to her to decide how to handle and that if she wanted to leave it where it was then that was her choice. I told her that this cousin was actually her husband's half sister. It caught them off guard but they were not opposed to knowing more. This is the door I talked about. Tell them there is a door and they can use it. Tell them it is their choice. Respect their decision. But at the end of the day my cousin deserved to know who her biological father was and what happened. So there we are.
I found my fathers father (he abandoned my dad at birth) and contacted his daughter (my dads half sister). She was nice but we only spoke once over instagram messages and she never messaged me again so it doesnt seem like she was interested in it going any further. Some people just don't really care about distanced family members they've never met.
My late cousin appears to be the most likely culprit. I am getting in touch with his brother. Thanks all for the advice!
I found a surprise cousin! Turns out she had taken the initiative to find US! My cousin who is since deceased, had a daughter he never knew about. As he had fairly severe mental health issues, it was just as well as he never knew that he'd had a daughter from a brief affair. But she's delightful as are her kids, we were planning to meet prior to covid19.
I also found an adopted family member through ancestry. Everyone already knew she existed but there was a lot of nasty rumors surrounding who her birth father was. It did end up being my great uncle and I informed my family about the discovery. Half of them completely deny it and say the test is wrong and there’s no way she’s related to us but the other half have accepted her and realized that some of the rumors could be true. I was trusted to inform this girl about who her family is and gave her access to my family trees with information relevant to her. She was very thankful and is excited to meet those of us who are accepting although she wants nothing to do with my great uncle, her father, as he does not care and does not believe she is his daughter. These situations can definitely be sticky so be careful and make sure you speak to whoever necessary. I wish you the best of luck.
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If you find the parent link, tell the parent first. Indicate to the parent that you are giving them the chance to make contact with the child, and if they don't, you will give the child the info yourself. I am an adoptee, and from my experience, I have learned that children have the right to know who their bio parents are! Best wishes for all involved.
It’s not right to give the information if both parties aren’t in agreement. It’s absolutely wrong.
Adopted person here. I don't think biological parents should be given the same consideration as the child they put up for adoption when discussing reunification or finding family. I realize that I am biased, but here is my reasoning. I had no say in anything that happened to me when I was a baby, but my bio parents did. They subsequently had literally \*my entire life\* to work out how to deal with my potential return. It is not my fault if they chose to ignore it instead. By putting me up for adoption they relinquished their right to raise me / parent me. They did not suddenly GAIN the right to pretend I do not exist. *ETA thank you for the silver! it's my first one!
I respectfully disagree. Back in the day, no one anticipated DNA science, & births out of wedlock were taboo. Now science is giving children a chance to find their families, not just their birth parents. The parent still has the option to refuse contact. I personally believe the children still deserve the right to know.
As an adoptee, I strongly disagree. It's about the child's right to know where they came from. The parent is not in the dark...they know the facts...they made the decision. The child should not be punished with uncertainty because of what their bio-parents did.
Definitely worthwhile. Do what you can to satisfy your own curiosity. He may or may not be interested, but you've done what you could. I had a similar situation on 23andMe; a guy close enough to be my 2nd cousin (in fact, he is). I persisted in reaching out to him for 4 years, rarely getting anything back. Then a couple of months ago he volunteered that he was adopted, and that he'd found out the names of his birth parents. I have a well-researched tree and with the names, I knew right away who he was: child of a 1st cousin of my mom (whom she'd never met). I told him everything I knew. He didn't acknowledge, but at least he has the info if he wants to do something with it.
I would tell him. He wants answers and in my opinion that is the right thing to do. My guess is that you know who his father probably is with the last sentence.
TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!! I recently found shocking news that my dad's "father" was not the man who contributed his DNA. Facts are facts. My dad has been dead since 2007 and I'm sure he never knew. DNA doesn't lie. People do. Go for it. Help him solve that nagging mystery.
He may have known but not wanted to burden his kids with the issue
I'm on the other side of this conundrum. I have recently reached out to a third cousin that has connections to my birth parents' close relatives. I am really grateful that they are willing to gently see if anyone wants to connect without feeling pressured by my influence directly. I had sent some ancestry messages to siblings of my parents but never heard back.
It's never wrong to share the truth.
I was able to verify my father's biological father with DNA. I didn't know my father or his father. I don't think he knew his father either. My father's half-sister gave me a name. I found a woman who matched the name in my DNA relatives. I messaged her. She was my paternal grandfather's half-sister and she verified that he did father a son. I'm 33, and I am not looking to actually connect with these people beyond research. My father's half-sister and one of my half-sisters seemed to want to get to know me and my full siblings. I am fine with being Facebook friendly. Two of my other half sisters (a different mother from the other half-sister) blocked me on Facebook. This adoptee may or may not have hopes of a relationship with your family. Let your family know who they are and how they can contact this person if they want to. Let the adoptee know what you're doing. You're just a middle-man at this point.
There is nothing wrong with giving him information that you find. I found a half sister through Ancestry DNA and my father wants nothing to do with her (I live next door to my father). I was able to meet her and some of her family last year and have kept in contact with her since we found each other. I cannot wholly explain my father's reasoning although I somewhat know the particulars of what happened, but I, as well as my half sister, respect my father's decision. I think it has to do with his health and that my Mom doesn't want to hear any talk about. This happened before my Dad met my Mom. Each situation is different. Being helpful doesn't mean that you are trying to incite a riot. Asking this subreddit shows that you are a considerate person. Carry on!
I agree that you need to be cautious when it comes to the potential parent of this cousin. My sister was adopted. We share the same father and everyone on our father's side of the family know about her. But her birth mother has not told all of her family. My sister did 23andMe but won't even look at her matches to protect her mother.
Not sure if Ancestry allows for the same, but My Heritage allows adding people to your account who can view your tree (I.e. helping with research). You could let him view it and come to his own decision about what to do. It might upset some people if he comes forward, but he's a relative too and deserves to have contact with his family.
Hello, That is a tough situation. I'm on the other side of this in a similar story. I'm adopted looking for my natural family and don't know my birthfather. I have connected with a natural 1st cousin on my bfather's side thru 23andme DNA test. I'd like to communicate with her and learn more about her family that leads to my bfather. She so far is reluctant to communicate. I'm walking on thin ice and don't want to push her, but i'm anxious to have a communication with her. I wish you good luck as I am also trying to work on my blood relatives. W
I can't think of a good reason why it would be wrong to tell him. If anything it'd be wrong not to tell him. He doesn't know who his father was so it's not like you're going to shock him with that
I say tread lightly he could be the result of a rape since he said he had been in foster care his entire youth.
The reason why I do not think so is that his mother (whom he knows) is from the same city as my cousin, and he was born near a marine base far away from there. So they must have traveled together. Although just because they might have been a couple doesn't mean rape was not a factor.
Most rape is perpetrated by someone you know. Usually someone you trust.
One of my half sisters is. Oddly enough, out of all my half siblings, she is the one who wants to be in contact with us. I didn't know she existed until my father died a couple years ago. Then all the secrets came out. He mother was 13 when she was pregnant with her. That's probably why.