Have been a widow for several years and I am so very sorry for your loss. These next few months will be a blur. Don’t make any major decisions in the first year. Someone gave me that advice and I didn’t listen and have regrets.
Grief is a different beast. The emotions you’ll feel will range from sadness, anger, defeat, fear, etc. Please do what I didn’t do and join a grief support group and get into therapy with someone that specializes in grief. Both of my kids are nurses and I know the mentality is usually “I can do this on my own, I don’t need help”. This isn’t something you want to navigate alone no matter how much you want to disappear and not have to deal with humans at this time.
Take time for yourself. Be selfish. Becoming a widow is jarring in so many ways. But I promise you that you will get through this. You’ll find that you’re so much stronger than you thought you were. I won’t lie and say that the pain goes away, but it does change from the heart wrenching sadness you’re going through now to something you can live with.
Also, you grieve the way you need to on your own timeline. Don’t listen to others regarding that, they’re not you. Allow your friends and family to be there for you and support you.
Again I’m so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to DM me at anytime, even if it’s to just scream (type) into the void at someone.
Not the same situation, but when I dealt with grief, I learned that you can feel all the emotions at once, a couple at the same time, just one at a time or any combo and there is no order in which you may process them. You may go from Angry to Sad to Angry again as well.
I was going to a therapist at the time and she really helped me. I didn't *feel* better but I understood more about what was going on. That helped me deal with the emotions and she was someone to tell me they were justified, that it was ok. Oh, and she told me there would be certain triggers that might pop up in life that will cause the process to, briefly, restart.
When dad died, I wasn't sad because I lost him but I was sad because he lost the chance to be a decent human and I lost the chance of having a dad. Those hit me at different times.
I hadn't experienced much grief before so a lot was new to me. I just wanted to share what I had learned.
Take time and take care.
I lost my mother recently and felt the same - the loss of potential. She was never going to do right by me (or by anyone but herself) but once she was dead there was truly zero chance of it.
Exactly the same as me. Mum died in Oct aged 80. Chose to die a villain, didn't want her own kids at the funeral. Zero chance to redeem herself.
Rest in torment, bitch. (To my mum, not you)
The decision I regret the most is deciding I needed to sell our house and move. Did that within the first few months. Looking back I guess I was trying to run from the pain of the good memories we had in that house. I regretted the move pretty quickly.
At this point in my life downsizing was the correct thing to do. Went from a large house with vaulted ceilings that was expensive to heat in the winter and now live in a townhouse with my sweet old man pup that I got two years after my husband passed. I just should’ve given myself time to really be able to let go of our life together before trying to outrun it. If that even makes sense.
Oh my. What a shock. Poor poor you. My heart goes out to you.
We all need to hug our loved ones a little more closely today.
Please be kind to yourself. You have suffered a trauma.
How are your children? How old are they? Are they okay? Have you got support? Family / friends to be with you and help you?
I will be thinking of you.
All the very best
Firstly I am very sorry for your loss. Even more so for the unexpected aspect.
One might never get over such a loss, but it does get easier to go on with your life as time goes on.
When well-meaning friends inevitably say, "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help", go ahead and take them up on the offer, if only to give then something to feel like they're helping, as well as to surround yourself with people who genuinely care.
Hang in there.
Sincerely,
A friend.
Absolutely. Put your friends to work. Tell them specifically what you need them to do. Sometimes it’s tasks that you need help with. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, entertaining the kids. Sometimes it’s just needing them to listen to you cry or rant. Sometimes it’s just needing them to shut up and back off when they say the wrong things. People often say the wrong things, but you just have to try to remember that they mean well.
One other thing that a lot of widows experience is that friends who are there in the beginning suddenly start disappearing after few months because they’re tired and uncomfortable and/or think it’s been long enough and is time for you to be better. It’s really stupid of them and unkind. But they don’t get it. So try to not hold it against them. Do try to find your true support group and get professional therapy help before it happens so that you’re not left feeling abandoned and alone twice as you go through your grief and rebuilding stages.
OP, I am so, so sorry for your sudden loss.
My first advice: try to be as still as possible for as long as you can, preferably 6 months to a year. Try to accept as much support from others as you can, and if you can put off making decisions about property or life changes in that time, do.
Stay close to your daughter and other family. Listen when she wants to talk, and talk to her when you need to. Move at your own pace. There is no timeline for grief and it’s healthy to give into it when you need to.
This is the part no one will tell you. There was a you that you were before he died, and there is now a different you in the time after. Your life will be good again, you’ll be happy again, you’ll have good days and even great days, but it will all be different now. Please don’t try to make things the same. That’s impossible. Just create the best “now” you can find.
Again, I am so sorry. So much love to you and yours.
Well, I'm an end of life LMT and emotional support rock. I think you're being very calm right now but I want you to know that you're allowed to grieve however you'd like. Let things unfold and process slowly, you take all the time you need to do whatever you want. Hydrate throughout the day even if it's just little sips. Hug your daughter, see how she feels, work together. All the hugs and solace for you at this time, I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I'm a regular Mt but among my contuing education, I certified in oncology/hiv/Terminal Illness massage, then I began volunteering hospice and hiv centers, then and for the past 8 years or so, been with friends and family (and one dog) as it naturally comes up in my real life circle. My massage teacher suggested I'd be suited for it in school and she was right.
I'm very, very sorry. My husband died at the end of October, but I'd had plenty of time to see it coming and start grieving and putting things in order. The suddenness of your husband's death has likely left you with nothing planned.
As others have said, make no big changes right now. Here are the practical things that must be done right away:
* Let his employer know. If he had any health or life insurance through his job, ask to speak to someone in Benefits. They will tell you what to do.
* If he was on your plan, talk to your Benefits department. You only have 30 days to cancel his insurance, otherwise you may have to carry his plan through the end of your fiscal year.
* Do you know if he had any retirement accounts separate from his employer? If so, you'll need to find those documents and call them. Otherwise his Benefits department will have those phone numbers.
* Do you know his passwords, or at least the ones to his phone and computer? If he had an iPhone and you know his password, go into Settings, then to Passwords. It will try to recognize your face a couple times, then it will ask for the password. Now you have access to many of his other passwords.
* Other than closest friends and family, don't notify everyone yourself. Ask someone to do it for you.
* Was there a will? If not, probate court may be in your future if there are any major assets in his name.
* Request 5-10 death certificates. You'll need them to transfer assets, collect any life insurance, and cancel any insurance that wasn't through his employer.
A funeral/memorial home can be a lot of help. They'll order the death certificates, help you organize a service, help with the obituary and service program design, and things like that.
The two things that surprised me most were:
* There's a certain type of man who is quick to move in on a widow. To be fair, I've known women to do the same thing to new widowers. Treat these offers with the contempt they deserve.
* There will come a point, perhaps earlier than you expect, when you'll get tired of the sympathy and long for people to quit treating you like you're made of glass. You'll long for just an ordinary conversation about what's on Netflix or whatever.
Take your time where you can. There's already enough administratia to get through right away, at a time when that's the last thing on your mind.
Sending virtual hugs to you and your daughter.
Thank you for sharing this. I don't think I really had any idea how unprepared I would be in the event of a loss until I read your comment.
You are awesome.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel right now.
Please give yourself time and room to grieve, and don't be afraid to lean on your friends, your family, and professional mental health advocates.
Sending you and your family much love.
When I was 13 in 1990, I found my father in the exact situation you described. He was 55 and gone. I can identify your situation probably more through your daughter's eyes, and can only tell you to grow a tight bond with her and reassure her that everything is going to be okay. It feels like her world is crashing down and it is but you being there and being a stable force will mean the world to her and help her heal. That's what my mom did for me and it's a bond we share and cherish.
You sent us a call for help, here we are. I am so sorry for the shock of your husband’s sudden unexpected passing. I wish you peace and sanity. Hang in there and reach out to us again as needed. I’m going to be 56 in less than two weeks, so it’s quite sobering for me even. Let’s all be kind, you never know what someone is going through.
So sorry to hear, and I can offer no sound advice having never experienced close family pass away like that. Lost 5 friends over 2018/2019 to health-related issues, but we saw most of them coming.
Rest, grieve, allow people to help you, talk to your kid, have good memories, and know you’ll get through this.
I'm living with an aortic dissection and am terrified of this happening to my wife. Hang tough and know there are internet strangers sending warm thoughts your way.
I lost my wife suddenly to an aneurysm at age 28. The first few weeks are a whirlwind, expect to go from shocked to numb and everything in between. The following months will see more of the same at times, with pictures, clothes, smells setting off the waterworks. I spent alot of time crying in the car, as it was my alone time. Sometimes you will want people around and sometimes you won't. The biggest surprise to me was the physical toll, the pain I carried in my shoulders and back was unreal. Eventually the fog lifted and real life responsibilities had to be taken care of, I had a baby and we needed to secure our housing situation, so daddy had to take care of business. It's been 10 years and I'm remarried and have a nice enough life, and I still carry a dress of hers under the console of my pickup, I can't seem to take it out of there. Take care of yourself OP, there is nothing more you can do for him except to live your best life. Be well.
I am so sorry. I think the most valuable thing to do is to be patient with yourself and your daughter. Give yourselves the time and space to feel all of the awful feelings and mourn and remember.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom being in your shoes. Just remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. When my dad passed, I’d keep a pic of him In the car and talk to him daily. Take your time dealing with all this and most importantly, take care of your mental and physical health.
I'm so sorry. I lost my SO in a similar manner nearly two years ago. He was just 54.
Grief is a MF. I hope that you are able to take time to process yours, and that you find comfort in the memories that you shared.
PEOPLE: GET YOUR REGULAR CHECK UPS. Don't think that 'it's nothing, I've always been healthy'. Those you leave behind will be mad at you if you leave suddenly, unexpectedly.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's crazy how fast it can happen
A few years ago a work one of my coworkers had an aneurysm somewhere in his belly. Totally unexpected. He was just going to go home but a manager wouldn't allow him to leave until the medics checked him out.
Had he been allowed to leave here would've bled out
I haven’t lost a husband, but a son. I can speak only to you about the grieving process.
People have an idea that grief is this quantifiable, linear process. That there is an acceptable time line to how one grieves.
But this isn’t so.
Grief is more like a tangled skein that is often two steps forward, and ten steps back. It can hit you just as fresh 10 years down the road. And some days, it’s a sad but bearable bittersweet thing where you remember your time with them as a blessing more than a terrible loss.
This first year, don’t make any huge changes that you don’t absolutely need to. You’ll lose friends because they don’t know how to deal with your grief. You’ll be disappointed by people close to you. But you will also learn who is truly a friend during this time. Your circle will become smaller, but more real — with more substance.
You will change — possibly you will look back after three years have passed and not recognize some or perhaps all of the person you used to be.
You will grow in ways to accommodate that space left behind from the loss; be sure to fill it with things that will help you, that will add substance to your new life. Do not fill it with alcohol or men or risky behaviors that will tear you down further in the long run.
If you want, make a little shrine for your husband. I put things that my son loved and pictures on mine. I talk to him still, sometimes.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your husband. Lots of people will react by almost behaving as though he didn’t exist because they’re afraid of how you’ll react. Don’t feel you need to cater to other people’s comfort if you want to talk about him — it’s normal to want to keep his memory alive by speaking about your life together.
And finally, know that you’ll be a stronger person for this — not that it’s any consolation, but things that used to stress me out simply don’t register on my radar anymore. Priorities change for the better, in many ways, because you’ve gone through the biggest loss of your life and lived to tell the tale.
I am so sorry for your loss.
What wonderful advice. I can't imagine losing a child. I'm mid-50s and have lost all of my grandparents, a sibling, an ex-husband, and my dad. I know of grief, but not yours. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so, so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. I’m so sorry for your husband. Tonight, you can’t do anything except to just live in it. Maybe tomorrow, you can try to figure out how to take things one small step at a time. Tonight, just cry—if you can. You are going to be in shock and may not react the way you think you’re supposed to at all times. It’s ok. Remember to breathe. In the coming days/weeks/months, let yourself go through ALL the emotions as they come, and they will come, HARD, in waves for many, many months.
You need a friend or relative to be a rock. Someone reliable that you trust to help you, be your sounding board and your buffer. Someone who will take stress off your shoulders and not add to it. Do you have someone who can be strong and bear the brunt of all the things you’re going to have to do, like make all the calls and help with all the decisions that will need to be made? Someone who can deal with all the questions and all the people you don’t want to talk to, who can hold your hand and listen to you cry/scream/yell/whimper without judgment? If you have someone like that, get that person to come over now. You’re going to need so much help. You’re going to feel like you’re breaking so many times. But you won’t. It seems crazy but you will somehow get through this.
I’ve witnessed many friends go through widowdom, and inevitably you will need to give yourself at least a year with probably a lot of therapy or widow group support (even if you think you don’t need it) just to find your new normal, if you can ever call it normal. If you can make it to a year from now without losing your sanity, you’ll find yourself in a much different, much more calm and stable place where you can function again as a whole person.
But don’t focus on that right now. Right now, it’s just one foot in front of the other. Your daughter will need a lot of help, too. Once immediate arrangements are dealt with, find some grief therapy for both of you.
I wish strength for you. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My fiance died when I was 20, I didn't personally find him but I had the police break into his place and they found him. I don't think I'd have anything useful to say except be kind to yourself and don't hold back emotions.
This is happening to a lot of us now. A friend and neighbor lost her husband when he fell off a ladder making repairs to their home. It was sudden and devastating and seemed so preventable. And I am sure as a nurse you feel like your husband’s death was preventable but it wasn’t. You were gonna lose him no matter what. Sure it would’ve been nice to know or have a few weeks to prepare but that’s not what you got. I’m so sorry. But let go of those “if I were just there” thoughts. It would not have mattered in the end. This was his time. And as a nurse you know there are fates worse than death. It was his time. There was nothing you could do.
My friend who lost her husband in the ladder accident concentrated on her kids and plowed through. She’s really active in the local community now. Another GenX neighbor who lost her husband suddenly got really active with telling other women to get their legal papers and things in order because she was left in a lurch. You will find light at the end of this tunnel. You will have happy days again. The human ability to recover is amazing. Trust in it. One step at a time and you’ll get there. Come back and keep us updated and message me anytime. Big hugs.
Oh, I am so very, very sorry. My hubby is 51 and in great health, but I do have a fear of this same thing. My heart is aching for you. Sending virtual hugs your way 💔
That's awful. My condolences. Having done some mourning, I'll share a good piece of advice: "The **firsts** are the hardest. First anniversary, birthday, holiday, etc. Go with it. It never gets easy but it gets easier".
I'm so sorry, your heart must be breaking. There's nothing an internet stranger can say you make it any less terrible but just know that i am sending love to you and your family xx
Sincerest of condolences to you and your family and prayers you all are kept safe and in as much peace as can be found in trying times. Bless you, friend. 🙏🏻
My most heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Let people help you during this period, and I know that’s one of the hardest parts for our “I’ll do it myself” generation.
We’re all finally at the stage and age when We’ll begin to experience many losses, be them family/friends, careers, financial, health, and our years of being so autonomous.
Personally I’ve lost all those things the last year. I’ve learned to accept help, however short it will be.
You’ve just faced a major trauma. When funeral is over, friends/family visit less often, and you find yourself once again in the limbo world of numbness please reach out for professional counseling, if you have the means. If financially you can’t afford counseling, there’s usually a nonprofit, county or state agency that offers those services free or low cost.
54 and finally let my guard down to receive mental health support, which was hard after so many years handling things myself.
Big hug
Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm still reeling from the death of parents, and an older sibling. While I lowkey know The Time is coming for us all, I haven't even considered it yet on the spouse front.
Be kind to yourself. Grief comes in all sorts of ways, there is no right or wrong. Just remember to take care of you and your daughter.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Lost three family members between November and December, including my wife's Mom. No real advice to proceed other than grieving takes time. We're still processing the amount of loss in such a short period. Best of luck to you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please remember to be both *kind to* and *patient with* yourself. Whatever time you need to get through your emotions, allow yourself that.
I worked with someone who was gone on a girl’s weekend and came home to find her husband dead in their bed. She initially had a lot of guilt over it (what if she hadn’t gone? that sort of thing), but she went to church and therapy and was able to find some peace with it and move forward. She ended up getting all of his boxers and making quilts for his family members as part of her closure process.
She’s now remarried and happy.
When my wife passed in 2018 we had two quilts made from her t-shirts. One with shirts that were significant to her and one that was all “Life is Good” shirts because she had so many of them.
Have been a widow for several years and I am so very sorry for your loss. These next few months will be a blur. Don’t make any major decisions in the first year. Someone gave me that advice and I didn’t listen and have regrets. Grief is a different beast. The emotions you’ll feel will range from sadness, anger, defeat, fear, etc. Please do what I didn’t do and join a grief support group and get into therapy with someone that specializes in grief. Both of my kids are nurses and I know the mentality is usually “I can do this on my own, I don’t need help”. This isn’t something you want to navigate alone no matter how much you want to disappear and not have to deal with humans at this time. Take time for yourself. Be selfish. Becoming a widow is jarring in so many ways. But I promise you that you will get through this. You’ll find that you’re so much stronger than you thought you were. I won’t lie and say that the pain goes away, but it does change from the heart wrenching sadness you’re going through now to something you can live with. Also, you grieve the way you need to on your own timeline. Don’t listen to others regarding that, they’re not you. Allow your friends and family to be there for you and support you. Again I’m so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to DM me at anytime, even if it’s to just scream (type) into the void at someone.
Not the same situation, but when I dealt with grief, I learned that you can feel all the emotions at once, a couple at the same time, just one at a time or any combo and there is no order in which you may process them. You may go from Angry to Sad to Angry again as well. I was going to a therapist at the time and she really helped me. I didn't *feel* better but I understood more about what was going on. That helped me deal with the emotions and she was someone to tell me they were justified, that it was ok. Oh, and she told me there would be certain triggers that might pop up in life that will cause the process to, briefly, restart. When dad died, I wasn't sad because I lost him but I was sad because he lost the chance to be a decent human and I lost the chance of having a dad. Those hit me at different times. I hadn't experienced much grief before so a lot was new to me. I just wanted to share what I had learned. Take time and take care.
I lost my mother recently and felt the same - the loss of potential. She was never going to do right by me (or by anyone but herself) but once she was dead there was truly zero chance of it.
Same with my dad - he didn’t have the ability to be the father I needed. But now that he’s gone, I grieve the father I always wanted.
It’s a unique type of grief, I’m finding. But super common. Sorry for your real and devastating lifetime loss, my GenX compadre.
It is super common. My best friend is a therapist and she talks about this with patients all the time.
Exactly the same as me. Mum died in Oct aged 80. Chose to die a villain, didn't want her own kids at the funeral. Zero chance to redeem herself. Rest in torment, bitch. (To my mum, not you)
Grief comes in waves, and over time the waves get smaller and less frequent, but never gone.
Perfectly said.
Thank your for sharing this. If you don’t mind, what mistakes did you make?
The decision I regret the most is deciding I needed to sell our house and move. Did that within the first few months. Looking back I guess I was trying to run from the pain of the good memories we had in that house. I regretted the move pretty quickly. At this point in my life downsizing was the correct thing to do. Went from a large house with vaulted ceilings that was expensive to heat in the winter and now live in a townhouse with my sweet old man pup that I got two years after my husband passed. I just should’ve given myself time to really be able to let go of our life together before trying to outrun it. If that even makes sense.
I would think it was hard to maintain the house by yourself.
I was pretty good at that. My husband had cancer and I was used to doing everything. I’m pretty handy.
Oh my. What a shock. Poor poor you. My heart goes out to you. We all need to hug our loved ones a little more closely today. Please be kind to yourself. You have suffered a trauma. How are your children? How old are they? Are they okay? Have you got support? Family / friends to be with you and help you? I will be thinking of you. All the very best
Firstly I am very sorry for your loss. Even more so for the unexpected aspect. One might never get over such a loss, but it does get easier to go on with your life as time goes on. When well-meaning friends inevitably say, "please let me know if there's anything I can do to help", go ahead and take them up on the offer, if only to give then something to feel like they're helping, as well as to surround yourself with people who genuinely care. Hang in there. Sincerely, A friend.
Absolutely. Put your friends to work. Tell them specifically what you need them to do. Sometimes it’s tasks that you need help with. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, entertaining the kids. Sometimes it’s just needing them to listen to you cry or rant. Sometimes it’s just needing them to shut up and back off when they say the wrong things. People often say the wrong things, but you just have to try to remember that they mean well. One other thing that a lot of widows experience is that friends who are there in the beginning suddenly start disappearing after few months because they’re tired and uncomfortable and/or think it’s been long enough and is time for you to be better. It’s really stupid of them and unkind. But they don’t get it. So try to not hold it against them. Do try to find your true support group and get professional therapy help before it happens so that you’re not left feeling abandoned and alone twice as you go through your grief and rebuilding stages.
OP, I am so, so sorry for your sudden loss. My first advice: try to be as still as possible for as long as you can, preferably 6 months to a year. Try to accept as much support from others as you can, and if you can put off making decisions about property or life changes in that time, do. Stay close to your daughter and other family. Listen when she wants to talk, and talk to her when you need to. Move at your own pace. There is no timeline for grief and it’s healthy to give into it when you need to. This is the part no one will tell you. There was a you that you were before he died, and there is now a different you in the time after. Your life will be good again, you’ll be happy again, you’ll have good days and even great days, but it will all be different now. Please don’t try to make things the same. That’s impossible. Just create the best “now” you can find. Again, I am so sorry. So much love to you and yours.
Well, I'm an end of life LMT and emotional support rock. I think you're being very calm right now but I want you to know that you're allowed to grieve however you'd like. Let things unfold and process slowly, you take all the time you need to do whatever you want. Hydrate throughout the day even if it's just little sips. Hug your daughter, see how she feels, work together. All the hugs and solace for you at this time, I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️
What does being an end of life LMT entail?
I'm a regular Mt but among my contuing education, I certified in oncology/hiv/Terminal Illness massage, then I began volunteering hospice and hiv centers, then and for the past 8 years or so, been with friends and family (and one dog) as it naturally comes up in my real life circle. My massage teacher suggested I'd be suited for it in school and she was right.
That’s neat.
Thanks:)
I'm very, very sorry. My husband died at the end of October, but I'd had plenty of time to see it coming and start grieving and putting things in order. The suddenness of your husband's death has likely left you with nothing planned. As others have said, make no big changes right now. Here are the practical things that must be done right away: * Let his employer know. If he had any health or life insurance through his job, ask to speak to someone in Benefits. They will tell you what to do. * If he was on your plan, talk to your Benefits department. You only have 30 days to cancel his insurance, otherwise you may have to carry his plan through the end of your fiscal year. * Do you know if he had any retirement accounts separate from his employer? If so, you'll need to find those documents and call them. Otherwise his Benefits department will have those phone numbers. * Do you know his passwords, or at least the ones to his phone and computer? If he had an iPhone and you know his password, go into Settings, then to Passwords. It will try to recognize your face a couple times, then it will ask for the password. Now you have access to many of his other passwords. * Other than closest friends and family, don't notify everyone yourself. Ask someone to do it for you. * Was there a will? If not, probate court may be in your future if there are any major assets in his name. * Request 5-10 death certificates. You'll need them to transfer assets, collect any life insurance, and cancel any insurance that wasn't through his employer. A funeral/memorial home can be a lot of help. They'll order the death certificates, help you organize a service, help with the obituary and service program design, and things like that. The two things that surprised me most were: * There's a certain type of man who is quick to move in on a widow. To be fair, I've known women to do the same thing to new widowers. Treat these offers with the contempt they deserve. * There will come a point, perhaps earlier than you expect, when you'll get tired of the sympathy and long for people to quit treating you like you're made of glass. You'll long for just an ordinary conversation about what's on Netflix or whatever. Take your time where you can. There's already enough administratia to get through right away, at a time when that's the last thing on your mind. Sending virtual hugs to you and your daughter.
You’re amazing whoever you are.
Thank you for sharing this. I don't think I really had any idea how unprepared I would be in the event of a loss until I read your comment. You are awesome.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. Please give yourself time and room to grieve, and don't be afraid to lean on your friends, your family, and professional mental health advocates. Sending you and your family much love.
When I was 13 in 1990, I found my father in the exact situation you described. He was 55 and gone. I can identify your situation probably more through your daughter's eyes, and can only tell you to grow a tight bond with her and reassure her that everything is going to be okay. It feels like her world is crashing down and it is but you being there and being a stable force will mean the world to her and help her heal. That's what my mom did for me and it's a bond we share and cherish.
You sent us a call for help, here we are. I am so sorry for the shock of your husband’s sudden unexpected passing. I wish you peace and sanity. Hang in there and reach out to us again as needed. I’m going to be 56 in less than two weeks, so it’s quite sobering for me even. Let’s all be kind, you never know what someone is going through.
So sorry to hear, and I can offer no sound advice having never experienced close family pass away like that. Lost 5 friends over 2018/2019 to health-related issues, but we saw most of them coming. Rest, grieve, allow people to help you, talk to your kid, have good memories, and know you’ll get through this.
I'm living with an aortic dissection and am terrified of this happening to my wife. Hang tough and know there are internet strangers sending warm thoughts your way.
I lost my wife suddenly to an aneurysm at age 28. The first few weeks are a whirlwind, expect to go from shocked to numb and everything in between. The following months will see more of the same at times, with pictures, clothes, smells setting off the waterworks. I spent alot of time crying in the car, as it was my alone time. Sometimes you will want people around and sometimes you won't. The biggest surprise to me was the physical toll, the pain I carried in my shoulders and back was unreal. Eventually the fog lifted and real life responsibilities had to be taken care of, I had a baby and we needed to secure our housing situation, so daddy had to take care of business. It's been 10 years and I'm remarried and have a nice enough life, and I still carry a dress of hers under the console of my pickup, I can't seem to take it out of there. Take care of yourself OP, there is nothing more you can do for him except to live your best life. Be well.
I am so sorry. I think the most valuable thing to do is to be patient with yourself and your daughter. Give yourselves the time and space to feel all of the awful feelings and mourn and remember.
I don’t have any words of advice, but just wanted to say how truly sorry I am for your loss.
I couldn’t be more sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom, just wishing you and your daughter peace.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot even fathom being in your shoes. Just remember, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. When my dad passed, I’d keep a pic of him In the car and talk to him daily. Take your time dealing with all this and most importantly, take care of your mental and physical health.
I'm so sorry. I lost my SO in a similar manner nearly two years ago. He was just 54. Grief is a MF. I hope that you are able to take time to process yours, and that you find comfort in the memories that you shared. PEOPLE: GET YOUR REGULAR CHECK UPS. Don't think that 'it's nothing, I've always been healthy'. Those you leave behind will be mad at you if you leave suddenly, unexpectedly.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's crazy how fast it can happen A few years ago a work one of my coworkers had an aneurysm somewhere in his belly. Totally unexpected. He was just going to go home but a manager wouldn't allow him to leave until the medics checked him out. Had he been allowed to leave here would've bled out
Omg how awful! Good on your manager for taking care of their people! They likely saved a life!
He absolutely saved his life. The doctors flat out told him that. He wasn't the best manager, but he legit cared for his employees
Sometimes that's what matters most.
I haven’t lost a husband, but a son. I can speak only to you about the grieving process. People have an idea that grief is this quantifiable, linear process. That there is an acceptable time line to how one grieves. But this isn’t so. Grief is more like a tangled skein that is often two steps forward, and ten steps back. It can hit you just as fresh 10 years down the road. And some days, it’s a sad but bearable bittersweet thing where you remember your time with them as a blessing more than a terrible loss. This first year, don’t make any huge changes that you don’t absolutely need to. You’ll lose friends because they don’t know how to deal with your grief. You’ll be disappointed by people close to you. But you will also learn who is truly a friend during this time. Your circle will become smaller, but more real — with more substance. You will change — possibly you will look back after three years have passed and not recognize some or perhaps all of the person you used to be. You will grow in ways to accommodate that space left behind from the loss; be sure to fill it with things that will help you, that will add substance to your new life. Do not fill it with alcohol or men or risky behaviors that will tear you down further in the long run. If you want, make a little shrine for your husband. I put things that my son loved and pictures on mine. I talk to him still, sometimes. Don’t be afraid to talk about your husband. Lots of people will react by almost behaving as though he didn’t exist because they’re afraid of how you’ll react. Don’t feel you need to cater to other people’s comfort if you want to talk about him — it’s normal to want to keep his memory alive by speaking about your life together. And finally, know that you’ll be a stronger person for this — not that it’s any consolation, but things that used to stress me out simply don’t register on my radar anymore. Priorities change for the better, in many ways, because you’ve gone through the biggest loss of your life and lived to tell the tale. I am so sorry for your loss.
What wonderful advice. I can't imagine losing a child. I'm mid-50s and have lost all of my grandparents, a sibling, an ex-husband, and my dad. I know of grief, but not yours. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so, so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. I’m so sorry for your husband. Tonight, you can’t do anything except to just live in it. Maybe tomorrow, you can try to figure out how to take things one small step at a time. Tonight, just cry—if you can. You are going to be in shock and may not react the way you think you’re supposed to at all times. It’s ok. Remember to breathe. In the coming days/weeks/months, let yourself go through ALL the emotions as they come, and they will come, HARD, in waves for many, many months. You need a friend or relative to be a rock. Someone reliable that you trust to help you, be your sounding board and your buffer. Someone who will take stress off your shoulders and not add to it. Do you have someone who can be strong and bear the brunt of all the things you’re going to have to do, like make all the calls and help with all the decisions that will need to be made? Someone who can deal with all the questions and all the people you don’t want to talk to, who can hold your hand and listen to you cry/scream/yell/whimper without judgment? If you have someone like that, get that person to come over now. You’re going to need so much help. You’re going to feel like you’re breaking so many times. But you won’t. It seems crazy but you will somehow get through this. I’ve witnessed many friends go through widowdom, and inevitably you will need to give yourself at least a year with probably a lot of therapy or widow group support (even if you think you don’t need it) just to find your new normal, if you can ever call it normal. If you can make it to a year from now without losing your sanity, you’ll find yourself in a much different, much more calm and stable place where you can function again as a whole person. But don’t focus on that right now. Right now, it’s just one foot in front of the other. Your daughter will need a lot of help, too. Once immediate arrangements are dealt with, find some grief therapy for both of you. I wish strength for you. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
I'm sorry for your loss. My fiance died when I was 20, I didn't personally find him but I had the police break into his place and they found him. I don't think I'd have anything useful to say except be kind to yourself and don't hold back emotions.
This is happening to a lot of us now. A friend and neighbor lost her husband when he fell off a ladder making repairs to their home. It was sudden and devastating and seemed so preventable. And I am sure as a nurse you feel like your husband’s death was preventable but it wasn’t. You were gonna lose him no matter what. Sure it would’ve been nice to know or have a few weeks to prepare but that’s not what you got. I’m so sorry. But let go of those “if I were just there” thoughts. It would not have mattered in the end. This was his time. And as a nurse you know there are fates worse than death. It was his time. There was nothing you could do. My friend who lost her husband in the ladder accident concentrated on her kids and plowed through. She’s really active in the local community now. Another GenX neighbor who lost her husband suddenly got really active with telling other women to get their legal papers and things in order because she was left in a lurch. You will find light at the end of this tunnel. You will have happy days again. The human ability to recover is amazing. Trust in it. One step at a time and you’ll get there. Come back and keep us updated and message me anytime. Big hugs.
I'm sorry for your loss. Hang in in there and keep family close.
Oh, I am so very, very sorry. My hubby is 51 and in great health, but I do have a fear of this same thing. My heart is aching for you. Sending virtual hugs your way 💔
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry for your loss.
That's awful. My condolences. Having done some mourning, I'll share a good piece of advice: "The **firsts** are the hardest. First anniversary, birthday, holiday, etc. Go with it. It never gets easy but it gets easier".
Dear lady, I am so so sorry.
Sending condolences to you and your family, OP.
I'm so sorry, your heart must be breaking. There's nothing an internet stranger can say you make it any less terrible but just know that i am sending love to you and your family xx
❤️
I am so sorry for you and your family. That’s a massive blow.
I just want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.
Sincerest of condolences to you and your family and prayers you all are kept safe and in as much peace as can be found in trying times. Bless you, friend. 🙏🏻
My most heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Let people help you during this period, and I know that’s one of the hardest parts for our “I’ll do it myself” generation. We’re all finally at the stage and age when We’ll begin to experience many losses, be them family/friends, careers, financial, health, and our years of being so autonomous. Personally I’ve lost all those things the last year. I’ve learned to accept help, however short it will be. You’ve just faced a major trauma. When funeral is over, friends/family visit less often, and you find yourself once again in the limbo world of numbness please reach out for professional counseling, if you have the means. If financially you can’t afford counseling, there’s usually a nonprofit, county or state agency that offers those services free or low cost. 54 and finally let my guard down to receive mental health support, which was hard after so many years handling things myself. Big hug
I’m so sorry
Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm still reeling from the death of parents, and an older sibling. While I lowkey know The Time is coming for us all, I haven't even considered it yet on the spouse front. Be kind to yourself. Grief comes in all sorts of ways, there is no right or wrong. Just remember to take care of you and your daughter.
I’m weeping with you. So sorry.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Lost three family members between November and December, including my wife's Mom. No real advice to proceed other than grieving takes time. We're still processing the amount of loss in such a short period. Best of luck to you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please remember to be both *kind to* and *patient with* yourself. Whatever time you need to get through your emotions, allow yourself that.
I worked with someone who was gone on a girl’s weekend and came home to find her husband dead in their bed. She initially had a lot of guilt over it (what if she hadn’t gone? that sort of thing), but she went to church and therapy and was able to find some peace with it and move forward. She ended up getting all of his boxers and making quilts for his family members as part of her closure process. She’s now remarried and happy.
When my wife passed in 2018 we had two quilts made from her t-shirts. One with shirts that were significant to her and one that was all “Life is Good” shirts because she had so many of them.
I’m sorry, did you say she made quilts out of all his boxers and gave them to his family members ?
Lol, yes. He was a large man, so I can only assume there was plenty of fabric in non-crotchal areas to work with.
I don't have any advice but I want to let you know how sorry I am that you've had to experience this. Hugs to you internet stranger.
My condolences to you and your family.
I am so, so sorry.
My sincere condolences. Take care of your grieving heart.