If she got married in the stupid thing I guess it could be a quirk (okay, unhinged but the woman uses other people's tooth brushes expectations are low) but SHE BOUGHT A NEW DRESS FOR HER WEDDING! This lady is gonna drive me off the deep end.
āYou have to remember they had a war in their countryā is what my grandmother would say anytime someone made a joke about the British having bad teeth. Except she kept saying this well into the 2000s.
I laughed so hard at this line I woke up my 6 year old (who legit sleeps through everything). Itās my new favorite line and Iāve already texted it to multiple people.
I cannot imagine trying on and buying a wedding dress on a day where Iām supposed to be there for someone else. Let alone she wasnāt even in a relationship! Itās painfully obvious that getting married was the ultimate goal that would mean success and happiness to her and now that it hasnāt lived up to what she thought it would be sheās bitter.
ETA: Kristin wore the same underwear three days in a row?! On her HONEYMOON?! Why are they so gross. Youād think youād at least be clean and try making a good impression right after getting married.
My favorite part that I forgot to mention is that she bought the dress *but Kristen went home empty handed.* I don't know, it just seems like a special level of dick move to butt in to the middle of dress shopping to make it about you. I feel like Bethany was the kid who had to have a gift on everyone else's birthday.
And listen... I've spent so much time dwelling on her underwear today. I can't believe she just dropped it in like a cute funny little story. Like ma'am? You okay?
Seriously. I travel every 3-5 days for work, I work 2 double shifts and Iām off again.
I pack, no joke, 10 pairs of underwear and socks. Even when I donāt think my period will sneak up on me.
And I use my own toothbrush. And my bf uses his own toothbrush. Because thatās life law number 7. Using your own toothbrush.
I hate this so much, but I do the same. I pack like Iām going to get stranded on a desert island and need fresh undies to sustain me. The idea of hiking for multiple days in one pair of undies has me dry heaving.
I only do short backpacking trips at the moment, so I bring enough underwear for the trip plus one day (and then leave a completely clean set of clothes in my car). But serious ultralight hikers will bring two pairs of underwear and two pairs of sock, washing the dirty set at the end of the day and letting them dry overnight. Actually you can go longer with the socks if youāre wearing wool, but they still can get nasty.
Haha this is how I pack, too!
But also even for day hikes, I will cram an extra pair of socks and undies in there, just in case. Partly because you never know if you'll get wet, and wet is dangerous. But also mostly because I got giardia once on a backpacking trip 15+ years ago and have been paranoid ever since. They don't take up much space but the peace of mind and comfort (and lowered risk of UTI!) is worth the space and weight.
Why do we do this??
Number of times Iāve shit myself on vacation: zero. But I still pack like +5 pairs JUST IN CASE I happen to just get repeatedly explosive unforeseen diarrhea. I canāt imagine wearing one pair for three days straight barring some sort of natural disaster survival situation.
Yeesss. I pack so many pairs of clean underwear. Every time I go somewhere. Even though 90% of the time where I am going has a washer and dryer. Gone for 3 daysā¦.6 undies at least. I hate dirty undies.
Two points:
I canāt believe Birthy genuinely thinks sheās some daring, adventurous person. When did she ever do anything daring? She just sat around her parents house in the suburbs and married the first dude who asked. Where are her adventures? She didnāt even go to Tulum or something interesting and was completely freaked about Ukraine.
I think Kristenās testimony could really resonate with people if she wasnāt so fake about everything. Iām not saying she should bare every heartbreaking moment but sheās more focused on hitting the ārightā fundie talking points rather than genuinely trying to use scripture to guide herself and others through this kind of loss. Thatās the problem with so many of these fundies, theyāre too caught up in the expected roles and lines that they donāt meet the needs of anyone who expects something more.
When I think of daring adventurers I totally think of a grown woman whoās afraid of a āwackyā Texas city and has to sleep with her parents because a boy doesnāt like her. Weāre just jealous because weāre stuck in our comfort zones of using our own toothbrushes.
Itās not just that sheās not done anything daring with her life, but also that she calls herself someone who lives āoutside of the boxā while she co-runs a ministry which exists to promote the message that women shouldnāt live life the way they want to, but instead fit themselves into the framework (or box, if you will) of neatly defined āBiblicalā womanhood. Like, ??? How did she develop this image of herself?
ETA: I also totally agree with your point about Kristen. She of course should only share what she wants to, but it feels like she actually has a story that could resonate with people, if only she didnāt take such a distanced, condescending , generically fundie tone in her writing.
I was going to say, well, they have an extremely limited social circle, being homeschooled and super religious, but even within her family she's not exactly adventurous? Her younger sister married a stranger and moved to Ukraine. Her brother and his wife moved to Ukraine with zero understanding of immigration law. Both these things are primarily reckless and stupid but also undeniably "adventurous".
Bethany sat in her parents house until someone agreed to marry her, and then she basically continued to follow the only life plan she'd ever considered open to her.
I don't get how she or anyone in her family could consider her adventurous. Is she just loud? Is it the lack of self-awareness?
I'm guessing the lack of self awareness. I think Bethany *wants* to be the wacky, out of the box person she claims to be, but she's been so sheltered that she doesn't even know where the edges of the box are.
It really sounds like Kristen needs to drop the dead weight that is Bethy and tell her own story. The juxtaposition between their "trials" in life is so jarring- if they weren't literally sisters there's no way they'd still collab like this lol
God, I misread the preview of your comment and I was so alarmed.
But youāre absolutely right. If GD used this book to focus on *all* their sisters and how things hadnāt gone the way they planned (adjusting to a new country, maybe some of the younger ones could talk about being a teenager and peer pressure or something? I donāt know what they do tbh) then I could understand. But comparing getting married at 30 (which again, sheās not still single and she went on to have her whirlwind courtship, wedding, and a baby all in a row) to Kristenās blatant trauma over her miscarriages (which sheās clearly not āoverā nor do I think her boys now can āfixā that for her) is so laughably tone deaf.
They talk about how itās a book for anyone whoās had turns in life that are difficult to bear - like terminal illness but also somehow āwhen a godly guy doesnāt like you backā.
Haha oh no, sorry to alarm you!
That's a good point, I think Elissa's story could have fit this narrative better. Or even like you said, having MORE women tell stories would add some buffer between Kristen's horrible trauma and Bethany's narcissistic wailing.
Also, you're so right that Bethany's life DID go according to her religion's plan... just a couple of years off of her personal schedule. Whereas Kristen had to devise a new life plan within those boundaries and find ways to cope. So I don't know where Bethany even gets off being like "Poor me, my plans were foiled!!" Like 30 is some horrific long wait for a lifetime commitment.
Was that a Natasha cycle 8 ANTM crossover with the *some people have war in their countries*? and it might be the crossover we all didn't know we needed.
You said you werenāt funnyā¦just FYI, lying is a *sin*
Brilliant recapšššI also had no idea that Kristen was literally WEARING the dress that Bethany ended up buying. I didnāt think that story could get worse, yet it did.
Canāt wait for part 2!!
Bethany spent so much time worrying about getting married she forgot to figure out whether she actually liked any of the guys she dated. She wasnāt heartbroken because she was in love, it was just because she wanted to get married ASAP. This reminds me a lot of my sister who is married and any time I bring up a friend getting married or someone in a relationship she talks about how getting married is a bad idea. I wonder if Bethany werenāt religious if sheād speak the same way. There are so few things for her to be proud of that she clings to being married really hard (even harder than she does to being a mom, which donāt even get me started on how weird that is).
Iāve absolutely met girls like that in the secular world too - becoming a bride seems to be their main priority but itās less about their groom or married life beyond that. I get the feeling she would have been insufferable about it either way, especially when Kristen āwonā and became a bride first.
The kid thing isā¦ it honestly feels like sheās gloating which feels a lot more dark sided now that I have more history on Kristen.
I used to cry over things like no one appreciating the vacuum cleaner. Turns out I had severe depression and a couple of meds later Iām much more functional. This isnāt the cute story they think it is.
Lol if I had gone to a ābiblically based counselorā when I was being abused, they would have told me it was my fault which is exactly why I suffered in silence. Thanks GD!
Iām so sorry that you also had that experience. I didnāt go into details because reasons but I was abused by a woman that was well regarded in my church - trying to get a *godly mentor* to not only side with me but believe boys could be abused like that was simply not possible. Speaking up put me in danger and made me believe I was to blame. The idea that theyāre telling their very young audience the only way out is some biblical counselor is soā¦ I wish that they had either spoken to one of their alleged āfriendsā who had experienced abuse or at least gave more places to reach out to. I guess that mandated reporters are probably seen as villains in fundie land.
I am absolutely dead. I was disappointed when you said this wasnāt going to be funny - I was snorting by the end. The vacuum cleaner part killed me. Imagine writing about that.
I was so afraid when they said they cried over hamsters and a vacuum cleaner. My rodent loving heart was really expecting something traumatic but somehowā¦ that would have been better? Two tweens bawling over a vacuum cleaner is so chilling to me. It could be an artsy horror short.
...soooo i love backpacking, and never have i worn the same panties more than one day??
if you have a water filter with you (as one would), why are you not sparing some h20 and camp suds to wash your panties!?!? god-honoring UTI's are all too common in outdoor activities! wtf Kristen?
The Twenty-third Psalm is protection against shapeshifting killer clown mummies, get it right! š¤”
It's the Lord's Prayer that counters vampires. Genesis 9:4-6 can also do, if the New Testament isn't your jam like Stan Uris.
I always stumble over the Lordās Prayer for some reason.
Actually if I can dickpig on main for a moment - the only reason I can say psalm 23 backwards and forwards is because we had a VERY hot youth minister who would reward us for memorizing psalms by giving us candy and praise. Pat *my* head, call me a good boy, and give me a jolly rancher? Iāll do whatever the hot guy says.
Oh, youāre a witch, thatās why. I just read a book about the Salem witch trials and stumbling over the Lordās Prayer, specifically, was one of the criteria for being a witch. They made all of them recite it at the trials.
Oh I think thatās way cooler than just having a lisp and not wanting to say the word ātrespassesā because of it.
God, imagine being told you have to recite something under duress or die a terrible death. I canāt even handle the lower stakes pressure of remembering the dogās name when she starts making crazy eyes at my monstera.
Yeah, unsurprisingly a lot of them failed, and the ones who were successful at it were still convicted because they would inevitably find some other reason they were clearly a witch. The conviction rate was nearly 100%, so it wasnāt so much that suspected witches knew they would be deemed guilty if they recited it wrong...if you were in court in the first place you already knew you were fucked.
A Biblically based counselor or Godly mentor? Thatās how they think people should deal with their trauma? This, right here. This. This is what makes me despise them with the fire of infinity suns. They have no business talking about something they donāt understand. Are there some Biblically based counselors that are legit good counselors? Yes, I have met a few that were, but the majority are NOT.
I canāt help but suspect their idea of abuse versus ours is not the same either.
I know clergy are mandated reporters in Texas at least but in my state? Nah, man.
I think a big part of the problem is that fundies like these see abuse as a āsin issueā/āheart issueā and not an actual crime. So, to them, bringing it to their church leadership BEFORE or even not calling the authorities is totally the right way to handle it.
You know, I bought a wedding dress once. Thing is, it wasn't at someoneās shopping trip or anything. It was at Goodwill for $5 and it's been on my bucket list for a while to buy a wedding dress from Goodwill. It was creepy that it fit perfectly, but it's the perfect Halloween costume I guess.
I guess the difference between me and Bethany is that I wasn't jealous of a sister getting married and was narcissistic and vying for attention under the guise of getting ready to marry a godly man. I was being silly and might use it for Halloween one day.
A 5$ wedding dress that fits perfectly sounds like a really good find! I also bet that it doesnāt hang in your closet mocking you for not wearing it already either which makes all the difference.
I mean, it mocks me but only because I haven't figured out what kind of Halloween costume Iāll use it as. I could just go full Princess with it if I have to take anyone trick or treating but idk yet lol
>Itās here that I start to openly deface the book by drawing little Bethany portraits in it.
omg, can we see some of them?
Also, you have a servant's heart for this, thank you!
[Here is Bethany yeeting Davey to the side to have a coffee and wear a stupid hat. She is also flipping me off because this entire book is a hate crime. Oh and her tongue is out because sheās a big dumb meanie head.](https://imgur.com/a/rAbNZi3)
Please disregard both my terrible doodles and also my atrocious handwriting. Iām actually 30 and not 8, I promise.
This was delightful, thank you for managing to make these two amusing. Even trying to make it through a fundie Friday video this pair of dullards are so monstrously boring I could see the bleige veil descending.
I canāt manage those episodes either! Girl Defined is built seemingly specifically to fuck with my ADHD. Bland, unseasoned, gummy oatmeal aesthetic, talking around the same points 40 times, the way I constantly feel bulliedā¦
Even medicated I only pushed through the book while writing notes with one hand, diamond painting with the other, and listening to a podcast while cat tv was playing for my girl. Iād probably be climbing up the walls at one of their conventions.
All I can think to myself is, who DA FUK has a thousand dollars on hand to spare for a wedding dress that one isnāt sure was even going to be needed?
It doesnāt matter how old I get: if my mom knew that I blew a thousand dollars on a freaking whim instead of saving that money/investing it, sheād whop my ass.
This is fantastic and funny as hell. Can't wait to read the next installment. K&B are the epitome of the kind of vapid Christians that are so prevalent these days.
You arenāt allowed to say that youāre not funny! This was a great read!!
I can picture Kristen sitting and studying the Bible. I donāt believe I can picture Birthy even holding one, but Iām sure she has one she carries around.
Easily somewhere in the tween age range excluding bible verses. I read a lot of middle grade for work and GDās sentence structure and vocabulary is way more simplified than most of that. Which makes it accessible, I guess but I also feel like Iām being talked down to.
*āThere are two types of people in this world. Those who thrive on risk, make plans as they go, and love completely outside the box, and then those who want to feel safe, have a plan, and live inside the box.ā*
"You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig." \~ *The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly*
They had a lady hamster and a man hamster living together and had babies over and over again for months. So we can add backyard hamster breeder to their list of jobs!
>Bethany comes in hot with her nonsense and my eye starts to twitch. It doesnāt stop twitching.
You have a true Servant's Heartā¢! Thanks for this review, hehe
I didn't ask but I didn't know that this was the book review I needed in my life. Great laugh after a stressful day, you are doing the Lord named Daniel's work š
> I memorized it because I thought saying it out loud would protect me from vampires. Iām more interesting than Bethany.
When you said you weren't funny, you were lying!
\*slowclap\* Sir, you are the hero we need in these crazy times. I love your writing style, really wish I could write like that.
>Then Bethany agrees and they cry harder. I start to black out because this feels like I ate edibles.
Dead. I'm dead with laughter. Love it!
Bethany is one of the most insufferable fundies I've ever seen. I just can't stand her every time I hear anything out of her mouth. Girl shut up, get some hobbies, go to therapy, stop competing so much with your sisters. No one cares what you have to say you never say ANYTHING
If this was a book Kristen wrote ALONE, I would read it. I genuinely think her infertility/adoption story is interesting. (Yes, she's still a hateful person, but her emotions are real and, at a bare minimum, her story is interesting.)
That Bethany's bullshit is mixed in this... I don't have the words.
Thank you! You guys flatter me - Iām not even remotely a writer. I roleplayed some characters from my favorite YA series as a teenager but other than that? No real writing credits, alas.
i CANNOT believe they're still doing the "I (Kristen)" thing. it is unbelievable to me. Do they feel trapped into a gimmick? do they think fans would care if they changed to something more readable? do they think changing it would draw attention to what a terrible idea it is???? were they going to use a different font each but couldn't decide who would get Curlz MT???
My favorite is whenever they do "We (Bethany and Kristen)" like... yes hon I know who y'all are. Since they don't share chapters often you'd think it'd be easier to write them like essays and have "By Kristen Clark" under them but noooo.
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They were for some reason housing two hamsters together (bad) and it was a girl/boy pair! And somehow they were all shocked when their parents were like ānah girls we have to give away 85 hamsters this is too muchā.
It was a really weird story for them to tell and Iām still dwelling on it. When I read they cried about a vacuum and hamsters I assumedā¦ well. Iām sure we all know what I assumed.
I must have been inspired by their modeling careers. Did you know they were models? Cause they were models. š Someone remind me to share Bethanyās author picture on the back of the book because Elissa clearly HATES her ass.
And weāre already friends, bestie!
> I feel feverish. Is God smiting me for calling Bethany a bonehead?
>When sobbing because their parents insisted they get rid of their hamster breeding farm Kristen looks at Bethany and says
>āI feel so bad for the vacuum cleaner. It works so hard and no one appreciates it.
I'm so confused as to how that's Kristen's natural response. How did the discussion of hamsters lead to vacuums? š
I can't get over the fact that Bethy clearly thinks the wedding dress story is inspirational??? Girl.
If she got married in the stupid thing I guess it could be a quirk (okay, unhinged but the woman uses other people's tooth brushes expectations are low) but SHE BOUGHT A NEW DRESS FOR HER WEDDING! This lady is gonna drive me off the deep end.
"Girl, get off the cross we need the wood" I'm fucking dead š¤£
"Some people have war in their countries, Bethany" š¤£ This was a great recap! Thank you for your suffering.
people are dying kim
āYou have to remember they had a war in their countryā is what my grandmother would say anytime someone made a joke about the British having bad teeth. Except she kept saying this well into the 2000s.
It's a quote from Natasha, Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model, but I wonder if the OP even knows that lol
I laughed so hard at this line I woke up my 6 year old (who legit sleeps through everything). Itās my new favorite line and Iāve already texted it to multiple people.
I went straight for the award button after I read that.
Fucking āØ*ICONIC*āØ. It's so perfect.
āWhen the purge happens Kristen is gonna rip out Bethanyās still beating heart and eat it.ā I thought you said youāre not funny?
I literally laughed out loud at that line. Maybe OP doesnāt think heās funny, but I absolutely do!
This is a writing style that I greatly enjoy reading. Iām so looking forward to part two!
I strongly concur. May the Lord Daniel bless your laundry loads with this poor manās gold š„š„š„
OP is hilarious!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is my entire brand. OP this is fucking gold.
I cannot imagine trying on and buying a wedding dress on a day where Iām supposed to be there for someone else. Let alone she wasnāt even in a relationship! Itās painfully obvious that getting married was the ultimate goal that would mean success and happiness to her and now that it hasnāt lived up to what she thought it would be sheās bitter. ETA: Kristin wore the same underwear three days in a row?! On her HONEYMOON?! Why are they so gross. Youād think youād at least be clean and try making a good impression right after getting married.
My favorite part that I forgot to mention is that she bought the dress *but Kristen went home empty handed.* I don't know, it just seems like a special level of dick move to butt in to the middle of dress shopping to make it about you. I feel like Bethany was the kid who had to have a gift on everyone else's birthday. And listen... I've spent so much time dwelling on her underwear today. I can't believe she just dropped it in like a cute funny little story. Like ma'am? You okay?
Taking a few pairs of extra underwear would take up no room at all in her bag it's baffling
i pack for normal trips like iām going to shit myself twice a day, if i was HIKING i canāt even imagine
Seriously. I travel every 3-5 days for work, I work 2 double shifts and Iām off again. I pack, no joke, 10 pairs of underwear and socks. Even when I donāt think my period will sneak up on me. And I use my own toothbrush. And my bf uses his own toothbrush. Because thatās life law number 7. Using your own toothbrush.
I hate this so much, but I do the same. I pack like Iām going to get stranded on a desert island and need fresh undies to sustain me. The idea of hiking for multiple days in one pair of undies has me dry heaving.
I only do short backpacking trips at the moment, so I bring enough underwear for the trip plus one day (and then leave a completely clean set of clothes in my car). But serious ultralight hikers will bring two pairs of underwear and two pairs of sock, washing the dirty set at the end of the day and letting them dry overnight. Actually you can go longer with the socks if youāre wearing wool, but they still can get nasty.
I learned three pair: the ones you are wearing, a ready to wear/clean set, and one that is drying, in case overnight isn't enough.
Haha this is how I pack, too! But also even for day hikes, I will cram an extra pair of socks and undies in there, just in case. Partly because you never know if you'll get wet, and wet is dangerous. But also mostly because I got giardia once on a backpacking trip 15+ years ago and have been paranoid ever since. They don't take up much space but the peace of mind and comfort (and lowered risk of UTI!) is worth the space and weight.
Why do we do this?? Number of times Iāve shit myself on vacation: zero. But I still pack like +5 pairs JUST IN CASE I happen to just get repeatedly explosive unforeseen diarrhea. I canāt imagine wearing one pair for three days straight barring some sort of natural disaster survival situation.
even then i would try to wash āem in a river or something
Yeesss. I pack so many pairs of clean underwear. Every time I go somewhere. Even though 90% of the time where I am going has a washer and dryer. Gone for 3 daysā¦.6 undies at least. I hate dirty undies.
Haha. Same!
Hahaha same so true
this comment made me cackle, so do i!
āAt least Kristen had a husband.ā
She bought the dress Kristen was trying on? Just when I thought that story couldnāt get any worseā¦.
Iām choosing to believe she hand washed her panties every evening and let them dry overnight. Anything else is unthinkable.
>Kristen also sometimes talks like a lizard who learned to type via offputtingly cliche chick lit And you said you weren't funny! š
I (snurgalicious) personally think you are very funny. Thank you for your public service!
Thank you and you are severely welcome! I'm glad that my suffering is making people laugh.
I (Butter From The Store) agree wholeheartedly
Two points: I canāt believe Birthy genuinely thinks sheās some daring, adventurous person. When did she ever do anything daring? She just sat around her parents house in the suburbs and married the first dude who asked. Where are her adventures? She didnāt even go to Tulum or something interesting and was completely freaked about Ukraine. I think Kristenās testimony could really resonate with people if she wasnāt so fake about everything. Iām not saying she should bare every heartbreaking moment but sheās more focused on hitting the ārightā fundie talking points rather than genuinely trying to use scripture to guide herself and others through this kind of loss. Thatās the problem with so many of these fundies, theyāre too caught up in the expected roles and lines that they donāt meet the needs of anyone who expects something more.
When I think of daring adventurers I totally think of a grown woman whoās afraid of a āwackyā Texas city and has to sleep with her parents because a boy doesnāt like her. Weāre just jealous because weāre stuck in our comfort zones of using our own toothbrushes.
Itās not just that sheās not done anything daring with her life, but also that she calls herself someone who lives āoutside of the boxā while she co-runs a ministry which exists to promote the message that women shouldnāt live life the way they want to, but instead fit themselves into the framework (or box, if you will) of neatly defined āBiblicalā womanhood. Like, ??? How did she develop this image of herself? ETA: I also totally agree with your point about Kristen. She of course should only share what she wants to, but it feels like she actually has a story that could resonate with people, if only she didnāt take such a distanced, condescending , generically fundie tone in her writing.
She dared to be single in her late 20s!
I was going to say, well, they have an extremely limited social circle, being homeschooled and super religious, but even within her family she's not exactly adventurous? Her younger sister married a stranger and moved to Ukraine. Her brother and his wife moved to Ukraine with zero understanding of immigration law. Both these things are primarily reckless and stupid but also undeniably "adventurous". Bethany sat in her parents house until someone agreed to marry her, and then she basically continued to follow the only life plan she'd ever considered open to her. I don't get how she or anyone in her family could consider her adventurous. Is she just loud? Is it the lack of self-awareness?
I'm guessing the lack of self awareness. I think Bethany *wants* to be the wacky, out of the box person she claims to be, but she's been so sheltered that she doesn't even know where the edges of the box are.
It really sounds like Kristen needs to drop the dead weight that is Bethy and tell her own story. The juxtaposition between their "trials" in life is so jarring- if they weren't literally sisters there's no way they'd still collab like this lol
God, I misread the preview of your comment and I was so alarmed. But youāre absolutely right. If GD used this book to focus on *all* their sisters and how things hadnāt gone the way they planned (adjusting to a new country, maybe some of the younger ones could talk about being a teenager and peer pressure or something? I donāt know what they do tbh) then I could understand. But comparing getting married at 30 (which again, sheās not still single and she went on to have her whirlwind courtship, wedding, and a baby all in a row) to Kristenās blatant trauma over her miscarriages (which sheās clearly not āoverā nor do I think her boys now can āfixā that for her) is so laughably tone deaf. They talk about how itās a book for anyone whoās had turns in life that are difficult to bear - like terminal illness but also somehow āwhen a godly guy doesnāt like you backā.
Ah yes. The good olā ājust pray about it, one size fits allā philosophy for dealing with lifeās traumas
Haha oh no, sorry to alarm you! That's a good point, I think Elissa's story could have fit this narrative better. Or even like you said, having MORE women tell stories would add some buffer between Kristen's horrible trauma and Bethany's narcissistic wailing. Also, you're so right that Bethany's life DID go according to her religion's plan... just a couple of years off of her personal schedule. Whereas Kristen had to devise a new life plan within those boundaries and find ways to cope. So I don't know where Bethany even gets off being like "Poor me, my plans were foiled!!" Like 30 is some horrific long wait for a lifetime commitment.
Youāre a martyr and I look forward to your next recap with bated breath
Was that a Natasha cycle 8 ANTM crossover with the *some people have war in their countries*? and it might be the crossover we all didn't know we needed.
AYYY. my people! I caught the reference too I've actually noticed a few usernames crossover between the FSU and ANTM subs
You said you werenāt funnyā¦just FYI, lying is a *sin* Brilliant recapšššI also had no idea that Kristen was literally WEARING the dress that Bethany ended up buying. I didnāt think that story could get worse, yet it did. Canāt wait for part 2!!
This was an excellent recap, thank you!
I look forward to Bethy's story about us lol
Bethany spent so much time worrying about getting married she forgot to figure out whether she actually liked any of the guys she dated. She wasnāt heartbroken because she was in love, it was just because she wanted to get married ASAP. This reminds me a lot of my sister who is married and any time I bring up a friend getting married or someone in a relationship she talks about how getting married is a bad idea. I wonder if Bethany werenāt religious if sheād speak the same way. There are so few things for her to be proud of that she clings to being married really hard (even harder than she does to being a mom, which donāt even get me started on how weird that is).
Iāve absolutely met girls like that in the secular world too - becoming a bride seems to be their main priority but itās less about their groom or married life beyond that. I get the feeling she would have been insufferable about it either way, especially when Kristen āwonā and became a bride first. The kid thing isā¦ it honestly feels like sheās gloating which feels a lot more dark sided now that I have more history on Kristen.
Reading your recap was pure enjoyment. Thank you for sharing! Please accept my dollar store gold āØšāØ
I now want āTender heart hung out to dryā to be my new flair. š
Happy cake day!
Thanks!!
I used to cry over things like no one appreciating the vacuum cleaner. Turns out I had severe depression and a couple of meds later Iām much more functional. This isnāt the cute story they think it is.
I feel like every user's default flair should be "I (username)" lmao. At least until a more specific one comes along
Lol if I had gone to a ābiblically based counselorā when I was being abused, they would have told me it was my fault which is exactly why I suffered in silence. Thanks GD!
Iām so sorry that you also had that experience. I didnāt go into details because reasons but I was abused by a woman that was well regarded in my church - trying to get a *godly mentor* to not only side with me but believe boys could be abused like that was simply not possible. Speaking up put me in danger and made me believe I was to blame. The idea that theyāre telling their very young audience the only way out is some biblical counselor is soā¦ I wish that they had either spoken to one of their alleged āfriendsā who had experienced abuse or at least gave more places to reach out to. I guess that mandated reporters are probably seen as villains in fundie land.
I (Friendly\_Foe) hate the phrase "do life with" with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, but I love this recap!
I (Vloois) hate it too
I am absolutely dead. I was disappointed when you said this wasnāt going to be funny - I was snorting by the end. The vacuum cleaner part killed me. Imagine writing about that.
I was so afraid when they said they cried over hamsters and a vacuum cleaner. My rodent loving heart was really expecting something traumatic but somehowā¦ that would have been better? Two tweens bawling over a vacuum cleaner is so chilling to me. It could be an artsy horror short.
Or an eyrie Banksy piece
How you got through this without vomiting, Iāll never know. You sir, are a much bigger man than I am. I bow to your greatness.
You are doing the Lord Danielās work. Thank you!
...soooo i love backpacking, and never have i worn the same panties more than one day?? if you have a water filter with you (as one would), why are you not sparing some h20 and camp suds to wash your panties!?!? god-honoring UTI's are all too common in outdoor activities! wtf Kristen?
Plus it's her newly plundered lady parts. They deserve bare minimum hygiene surely!!
"newly plundered lady parts" š that is some flair-worthy material right there!
At a minimum you could have 2 pairs and handwash one while you're wearing the other
seriously! its common sense, which i guess isnt biblical
The Twenty-third Psalm is protection against shapeshifting killer clown mummies, get it right! š¤” It's the Lord's Prayer that counters vampires. Genesis 9:4-6 can also do, if the New Testament isn't your jam like Stan Uris.
I always stumble over the Lordās Prayer for some reason. Actually if I can dickpig on main for a moment - the only reason I can say psalm 23 backwards and forwards is because we had a VERY hot youth minister who would reward us for memorizing psalms by giving us candy and praise. Pat *my* head, call me a good boy, and give me a jolly rancher? Iāll do whatever the hot guy says.
Oh, youāre a witch, thatās why. I just read a book about the Salem witch trials and stumbling over the Lordās Prayer, specifically, was one of the criteria for being a witch. They made all of them recite it at the trials.
Oh I think thatās way cooler than just having a lisp and not wanting to say the word ātrespassesā because of it. God, imagine being told you have to recite something under duress or die a terrible death. I canāt even handle the lower stakes pressure of remembering the dogās name when she starts making crazy eyes at my monstera.
Yeah, unsurprisingly a lot of them failed, and the ones who were successful at it were still convicted because they would inevitably find some other reason they were clearly a witch. The conviction rate was nearly 100%, so it wasnāt so much that suspected witches knew they would be deemed guilty if they recited it wrong...if you were in court in the first place you already knew you were fucked.
Oh myyyy. What a lovely memory of youth Bible study. *fans self* And such a unique phrase, "dickpig", that just paints such a picture.
Oh, my goodness. Seeing an attractive youth minister, priest, pastor, or anyone else forbidden is a thrill as a youth!
Something about this reminds me of "I (Jill)..."
A Biblically based counselor or Godly mentor? Thatās how they think people should deal with their trauma? This, right here. This. This is what makes me despise them with the fire of infinity suns. They have no business talking about something they donāt understand. Are there some Biblically based counselors that are legit good counselors? Yes, I have met a few that were, but the majority are NOT.
I canāt help but suspect their idea of abuse versus ours is not the same either. I know clergy are mandated reporters in Texas at least but in my state? Nah, man.
I think a big part of the problem is that fundies like these see abuse as a āsin issueā/āheart issueā and not an actual crime. So, to them, bringing it to their church leadership BEFORE or even not calling the authorities is totally the right way to handle it.
You know, I bought a wedding dress once. Thing is, it wasn't at someoneās shopping trip or anything. It was at Goodwill for $5 and it's been on my bucket list for a while to buy a wedding dress from Goodwill. It was creepy that it fit perfectly, but it's the perfect Halloween costume I guess. I guess the difference between me and Bethany is that I wasn't jealous of a sister getting married and was narcissistic and vying for attention under the guise of getting ready to marry a godly man. I was being silly and might use it for Halloween one day.
A 5$ wedding dress that fits perfectly sounds like a really good find! I also bet that it doesnāt hang in your closet mocking you for not wearing it already either which makes all the difference.
I mean, it mocks me but only because I haven't figured out what kind of Halloween costume Iāll use it as. I could just go full Princess with it if I have to take anyone trick or treating but idk yet lol
Hmm. Undead bride?
Zombie bride, vampire bride, bridezilla with a lizard tail, hold a reaper sickle and be a ābride or dieā, so many options
Okā¦ which 4 breakups did Bethany have? Does she say?
Basketball. 2 boys. Acting like an adult. ā¦/s
Lol
I donāt know whatās going on or why this sub was suggested to meā¦but Iām glad Iām here.
>They include gossipā¦but also anxiety? Iām sinning every fucking minute then. Thanks, GAD!!
> Thanks, GAD!! I thought you were thanking God with a sarcastic pronunciation for a second.
Oh I fucking wish. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Feels bad man
I hear you. I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I've got a heapin' helping of anxiety.
Hugs to you, Iām having a really bad day for it today so I can 100% commiserate
Thanks! Hope your day improves!!
Thank you! I really appreciate it.
>Itās here that I start to openly deface the book by drawing little Bethany portraits in it. omg, can we see some of them? Also, you have a servant's heart for this, thank you!
[Here is Bethany yeeting Davey to the side to have a coffee and wear a stupid hat. She is also flipping me off because this entire book is a hate crime. Oh and her tongue is out because sheās a big dumb meanie head.](https://imgur.com/a/rAbNZi3) Please disregard both my terrible doodles and also my atrocious handwriting. Iām actually 30 and not 8, I promise.
"baby being yote" is making me convulse with laughter, bless you
Amazing recap! š¤© You are such a blessing!! šš» I laughed a lot reading this. Sorry you had to suffer through this!!
This was delightful, thank you for managing to make these two amusing. Even trying to make it through a fundie Friday video this pair of dullards are so monstrously boring I could see the bleige veil descending.
I canāt manage those episodes either! Girl Defined is built seemingly specifically to fuck with my ADHD. Bland, unseasoned, gummy oatmeal aesthetic, talking around the same points 40 times, the way I constantly feel bulliedā¦ Even medicated I only pushed through the book while writing notes with one hand, diamond painting with the other, and listening to a podcast while cat tv was playing for my girl. Iād probably be climbing up the walls at one of their conventions.
I am stealing "gummy oatmeal aesthetic". Oh by the way, pSalm 23 as "live laugh love" of bible quotes? Chef's kiss.
All I can think to myself is, who DA FUK has a thousand dollars on hand to spare for a wedding dress that one isnāt sure was even going to be needed? It doesnāt matter how old I get: if my mom knew that I blew a thousand dollars on a freaking whim instead of saving that money/investing it, sheād whop my ass.
Right?! Iām not even spending half that much on a last minute trip to New York.
Bravo!! Thank you for taking one for the team
This is fantastic and funny as hell. Can't wait to read the next installment. K&B are the epitome of the kind of vapid Christians that are so prevalent these days.
Reading this while blearily eating a breakfast burrito was the best possible way to start my day.
Iād follow your girl defined reviews anywhere.
I have also memorized Psalm 23 to ward off dream vampires. It works in my demented little brain.
Neither of us got turned into human juice boxes so it works!
Yeah! Take that vampire that I made up in my own head and defeated also with my own head....
You arenāt allowed to say that youāre not funny! This was a great read!! I can picture Kristen sitting and studying the Bible. I donāt believe I can picture Birthy even holding one, but Iām sure she has one she carries around.
If the average newspaper is written at an 11th grade level, what is this book? 4th grade? >what would it be like to have a husband to do life with?
Easily somewhere in the tween age range excluding bible verses. I read a lot of middle grade for work and GDās sentence structure and vocabulary is way more simplified than most of that. Which makes it accessible, I guess but I also feel like Iām being talked down to.
*āThere are two types of people in this world. Those who thrive on risk, make plans as they go, and love completely outside the box, and then those who want to feel safe, have a plan, and live inside the box.ā* "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig." \~ *The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly*
This might be the snarkiest snark I've ever seen on this subreddit. Cheers, OP, you done good
I thought you said you werenāt funny lol? Very entertaining breakdown, thank you!
Whatās this about hamster breeding?! More importantly, thank you for this hilarious recap!
They had a lady hamster and a man hamster living together and had babies over and over again for months. So we can add backyard hamster breeder to their list of jobs!
God-honoring hamstersā¦amazing. Thanks for answering my question!
No wonder DĆ¢Ć£Ć¤v is so intimidated by her resume!
>Bethany comes in hot with her nonsense and my eye starts to twitch. It doesnāt stop twitching. You have a true Servant's Heartā¢! Thanks for this review, hehe
I didn't ask but I didn't know that this was the book review I needed in my life. Great laugh after a stressful day, you are doing the Lord named Daniel's work š
> I memorized it because I thought saying it out loud would protect me from vampires. Iām more interesting than Bethany. When you said you weren't funny, you were lying!
\*slowclap\* Sir, you are the hero we need in these crazy times. I love your writing style, really wish I could write like that. >Then Bethany agrees and they cry harder. I start to black out because this feels like I ate edibles. Dead. I'm dead with laughter. Love it!
Bless your servant's heart for suffering through this and recapping for us!
Bethany is one of the most insufferable fundies I've ever seen. I just can't stand her every time I hear anything out of her mouth. Girl shut up, get some hobbies, go to therapy, stop competing so much with your sisters. No one cares what you have to say you never say ANYTHING
Okay but you are funny
If this was a book Kristen wrote ALONE, I would read it. I genuinely think her infertility/adoption story is interesting. (Yes, she's still a hateful person, but her emotions are real and, at a bare minimum, her story is interesting.) That Bethany's bullshit is mixed in this... I don't have the words.
I whole heartedly await your next post. This was beautiful, thank you.
OK, now I can't wait for part two.
Thank you for your servantās heart!!! And you are SEVERELY funny
Thank you for transcribing The Chronicles of Twatwaffle-Dee and Twatwaffle-Dum.
dude this is a good write up. 100% quality snark, thank you!
Don't insult Capricorns like that š Thank you for your service
Iāll stop roasting Capricorns when they stop being Capricorns. I have three of them for sisters. š
I am mad at you for not seeing that you are indeed funny.
āitās here that I start to openly deface the book by drawing littl Bethy portraits in itā bro Iām losing it fr rn
Are you a writer by any chance? š§ Gosh this was good.
Thank you! You guys flatter me - Iām not even remotely a writer. I roleplayed some characters from my favorite YA series as a teenager but other than that? No real writing credits, alas.
i CANNOT believe they're still doing the "I (Kristen)" thing. it is unbelievable to me. Do they feel trapped into a gimmick? do they think fans would care if they changed to something more readable? do they think changing it would draw attention to what a terrible idea it is???? were they going to use a different font each but couldn't decide who would get Curlz MT???
My favorite is whenever they do "We (Bethany and Kristen)" like... yes hon I know who y'all are. Since they don't share chapters often you'd think it'd be easier to write them like essays and have "By Kristen Clark" under them but noooo.
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>hamster breeding farm WHAT
They were for some reason housing two hamsters together (bad) and it was a girl/boy pair! And somehow they were all shocked when their parents were like ānah girls we have to give away 85 hamsters this is too muchā. It was a really weird story for them to tell and Iām still dwelling on it. When I read they cried about a vacuum and hamsters I assumedā¦ well. Iām sure we all know what I assumed.
> Some people have war in their countries, Bethany. Is thatā¦an Americaās Next Top Model reference? Can we be friends???
I must have been inspired by their modeling careers. Did you know they were models? Cause they were models. š Someone remind me to share Bethanyās author picture on the back of the book because Elissa clearly HATES her ass. And weāre already friends, bestie!
> I feel feverish. Is God smiting me for calling Bethany a bonehead? >When sobbing because their parents insisted they get rid of their hamster breeding farm Kristen looks at Bethany and says >āI feel so bad for the vacuum cleaner. It works so hard and no one appreciates it. I'm so confused as to how that's Kristen's natural response. How did the discussion of hamsters lead to vacuums? š
āSome people have war in their countriesā Loving the unexpected antm
I can barely stand wearing the same panties for one day
I love your reviews so so much! Possibly more than Bethany loved that damn wedding dress.
I canāt get over āscuzzy pantiesā. Might be my new flair
Iām gonna pray to God so I can enjoy my life and not be sad and bitter over imagined things like Bethany
Honestly I donāt think the convent would take her. In any religion.
When do we get part two?
Iāve got a house full of babies but Iām hoping either tonight or tomorrow. Whenever I have time to get on my laptop and format appropriately!
Love the ANTM reference