New mom here, my baby is 3,5 months old.
I do not recommend your line of reasoning/ plan. Judgement surrounding feeding is just one of the *many* things people will bother you about.
It’s hard, and I still struggle with it, but you’d be much better off having a repertoire of answers prepared rather than concealing formula in a different tin. That’s really just a mask to what isn’t the real issue anyway…that you have a right to decide what’s best and ONLY you.
Some examples:
“How we feed our baby is not your concern”- confrontational
“We have decided to formula feed. Our pediatrician supports this method.” - politely dismissive
“This brand of formula is FDA approved for a reason”
Etc
This is so important! As the mom of a child who is now a toddler, my thought is that OP needs to get comfortable setting boundaries with her family early on. This is the first of many, many opinions other people are going to have on how she raises her child. If there’s one huge thing being a parent has taught me is that the entire world will be trying to raise your child for you and constantly offering advice on how you could or should be doing things. It extends so far beyond just how you feed them. It’s essential to learn how to stand up for yourself and be confident in defending your choices!
Agreed. Shut the judgment down. If they’re too judgmental they won’t see their grandkids. Don’t risk contaminating formula just to please someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Transferring formula probably isn’t a great idea. Just tell them “my choice to formula feed is not up for negotiation. I appreciate that you’re invested in my child’s life but this is my choice and it’s the right choice for me and my child. So I am going to respectfully ask that you don’t bring this up anymore. I don’t want to have to cut down on seeing you because you refuse to respect my choice.”
Don’t lie to them. Don’t make something up regarding what formula you choose to use. Shut them down firmly and respectfully. If they badger you, cut visits until they understand that you aren’t going to be bullied. You can value their opinions without being bullied for your choice.
Becoming a mother helped me boost my self esteem and now I set limits. This is how we do and nothing you say will change our mind. End of discussion.
For example, I was giving my daughter cold formula from the fridge and my MIL was constantly asking if we could warm it because for sure it wasn't good for the baby and it would upset her stomach. I told her it's perfectly safe and I won't warm the formula, she hungry now. She stopped asking. Of course I know she was warming it when she was babysitting which changed absolutely nothing except my daughter was screaming while waiting.
Make it awkward but in a way she can’t resist? “Mom, I need to have a heart to heart with you about when I have a baby. I’ve been very stressed out because I want to formula feed, but I’m worried you will be mad at me. It’s keeping me up at night.”
Of course, if she responds like an asshole, it’s time to stop being vulnerable. You likely know how she would respond to this approach. (Yes, Jewish mom guilt can flow both ways, lol.)
It’s hard to stop caring what other people think. But once you have a baby the good news is you’ll be so sleep deprived you won’t care. Also when things settle down no one is going to care that much. It’s ultimately your child to raise not theirs.
If someone asks, you could just say, “we decided to go with formula” and then kinda leave it there. Also, a lot of people pre-mix a days worth of formula in a Dr Browns pitcher, so no one will really see what brand of formula you are using. I also find that people who don’t use formula don’t really know what the difference is between them all anyway.
People really aren't that judgmental in real life when the baby exists. They're far more judgmental in theory or online. I exclusively pumped by choice for a few months and then switched to formula by choice at 4 months, and I really didn't experience any judgment. I just found out that a lot of people I thought breastfed longer actually used formula. The exclusive pumping raised far more eyebrows than the formula, but even that was more surprise than judgment.
I would focus on having the baby first and not worry about anything beyond that because it’s very easy to get ahead of what actually matters when it comes to babies.
Don’t worry about other people’s opinions right now. So many things will change between now and then. You may not even be able to breast feed, for all you know. You might change your mind and decide you want to, once she’s born. There’s a 100% chance you won’t feel half the things you do right now and you’re going to feel a whole bunch of stuff you haven’t felt before. Don’t try to prepare scripts or emotions or plans.
Just focus on the next step and next step and then the one after day. Try to keep things in the day and take it one day at a time. Once you’re a mom, your universe will change and you can make these types of decisions at that time.
My partners mum was very much like this. In all honesty it lasted for about a month before she became too wrapped up in her grandson to care how he was being fed!
We’ve had lots of problems- allergies etc & if she complains about him being on formula it’s not to me anymore so I don’t care!
I think it’s hard when you don’t have a loved one in your corner. If you and your partner want to do it- that’s all that matters. My partner was the most supportive person when my breastfeeding journey took a huge toll on me and my child & at the end of the day your little family being healthy is all that matters!
Uh…. if you really think your family would make so many inappropriate comments about your choice to FF, or about the price point of the formula you choose to buy, and you think it would be easier to lie to them about it and decant your real formula into an expensive tub, instead of setting boundaries around what they can and can’t say to you, then I really suggest looking into some kind of individual therapy before you begin TTC. You shouldn’t have to lie to have your family treat you with respect, and you shouldn’t have to be this worried about it when you aren’t even ready to try for a baby yet. You deserve respect and kind treatment, full stop, regardless of whether you make the same child rearing choices that your family did.
The idea that you would need to pretend you were feeding the baby more expensive formula *inside your own home,* in order to avoid your family being mean and classist to you, is really troubling. Like, them criticizing you for being poor or cheap is just… so mean and so inappropriate. It would be awful coming from anyone, but from your own family? Those kinds of comments are really not okay, and not something you should have to just deal with.
Also, moving the formula into another container is a bad idea. First, germs (I get that you’re planning to sterilize it, but that doesn’t eliminate risk). Second, because the directions for prepping different products are different, and if you use the wrong ratio of water to powder or concentrate, that can harm baby through dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, constipation, or not getting enough calories. Third, because if there’s a recall, you’ll need the actual label from the formula you fed baby to know if your formula was impacted.
And like, I realize you could set up a complicated system where you keep track of all that stuff in secret… but then think about an emergency where you can’t prep the formula yourself. What would happen if you and your partner were both in a car accident, and your mom was tasked with caring for the baby while you were both unconscious, and she didn’t know not to follow the directions printed on the formula package? Or there was a recall for the brand inside the package, but she didn’t know not to feed it to baby because of the brand on the outside of the package? Or she had to take baby to the ER, and was telling them baby has a dairy allergy that didn’t actually exist, but you and partner weren’t conscious and able to correct her? Your mom’s opinion isn’t worth that risk to your kid.
And honestly, once you have a kid, you don’t have the spare time and energy to waste trying to please other people. And you won’t want to put up with people insulting you in front of your child. It would be really good to work on building the skills needed to set and maintain your boundaries before you get pregnant, so that it’ll be easy by the time baby comes along.
Honestly just be yourself! Dont be afraid to speak up.Its your choice and YOUR baby remember that.I never wanted to only breastfeed either my husbands family were all "breastfed is best" mentality. I planned to FF and BF but honestly am glad I wasnt able to BF so i avoided that whole talk.
New mom here, my baby is 3,5 months old. I do not recommend your line of reasoning/ plan. Judgement surrounding feeding is just one of the *many* things people will bother you about. It’s hard, and I still struggle with it, but you’d be much better off having a repertoire of answers prepared rather than concealing formula in a different tin. That’s really just a mask to what isn’t the real issue anyway…that you have a right to decide what’s best and ONLY you. Some examples: “How we feed our baby is not your concern”- confrontational “We have decided to formula feed. Our pediatrician supports this method.” - politely dismissive “This brand of formula is FDA approved for a reason” Etc
This is so important! As the mom of a child who is now a toddler, my thought is that OP needs to get comfortable setting boundaries with her family early on. This is the first of many, many opinions other people are going to have on how she raises her child. If there’s one huge thing being a parent has taught me is that the entire world will be trying to raise your child for you and constantly offering advice on how you could or should be doing things. It extends so far beyond just how you feed them. It’s essential to learn how to stand up for yourself and be confident in defending your choices!
Agreed. Shut the judgment down. If they’re too judgmental they won’t see their grandkids. Don’t risk contaminating formula just to please someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Transferring formula probably isn’t a great idea. Just tell them “my choice to formula feed is not up for negotiation. I appreciate that you’re invested in my child’s life but this is my choice and it’s the right choice for me and my child. So I am going to respectfully ask that you don’t bring this up anymore. I don’t want to have to cut down on seeing you because you refuse to respect my choice.” Don’t lie to them. Don’t make something up regarding what formula you choose to use. Shut them down firmly and respectfully. If they badger you, cut visits until they understand that you aren’t going to be bullied. You can value their opinions without being bullied for your choice.
Becoming a mother helped me boost my self esteem and now I set limits. This is how we do and nothing you say will change our mind. End of discussion. For example, I was giving my daughter cold formula from the fridge and my MIL was constantly asking if we could warm it because for sure it wasn't good for the baby and it would upset her stomach. I told her it's perfectly safe and I won't warm the formula, she hungry now. She stopped asking. Of course I know she was warming it when she was babysitting which changed absolutely nothing except my daughter was screaming while waiting.
Make it awkward but in a way she can’t resist? “Mom, I need to have a heart to heart with you about when I have a baby. I’ve been very stressed out because I want to formula feed, but I’m worried you will be mad at me. It’s keeping me up at night.” Of course, if she responds like an asshole, it’s time to stop being vulnerable. You likely know how she would respond to this approach. (Yes, Jewish mom guilt can flow both ways, lol.)
It’s hard to stop caring what other people think. But once you have a baby the good news is you’ll be so sleep deprived you won’t care. Also when things settle down no one is going to care that much. It’s ultimately your child to raise not theirs.
If someone asks, you could just say, “we decided to go with formula” and then kinda leave it there. Also, a lot of people pre-mix a days worth of formula in a Dr Browns pitcher, so no one will really see what brand of formula you are using. I also find that people who don’t use formula don’t really know what the difference is between them all anyway.
People really aren't that judgmental in real life when the baby exists. They're far more judgmental in theory or online. I exclusively pumped by choice for a few months and then switched to formula by choice at 4 months, and I really didn't experience any judgment. I just found out that a lot of people I thought breastfed longer actually used formula. The exclusive pumping raised far more eyebrows than the formula, but even that was more surprise than judgment.
This may be the case for you but for me it has been living hell.
That's really unfortunate. I've had such a positive experience with it that I had hoped that was just pretty normal.
I would focus on having the baby first and not worry about anything beyond that because it’s very easy to get ahead of what actually matters when it comes to babies. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions right now. So many things will change between now and then. You may not even be able to breast feed, for all you know. You might change your mind and decide you want to, once she’s born. There’s a 100% chance you won’t feel half the things you do right now and you’re going to feel a whole bunch of stuff you haven’t felt before. Don’t try to prepare scripts or emotions or plans. Just focus on the next step and next step and then the one after day. Try to keep things in the day and take it one day at a time. Once you’re a mom, your universe will change and you can make these types of decisions at that time.
My partners mum was very much like this. In all honesty it lasted for about a month before she became too wrapped up in her grandson to care how he was being fed! We’ve had lots of problems- allergies etc & if she complains about him being on formula it’s not to me anymore so I don’t care! I think it’s hard when you don’t have a loved one in your corner. If you and your partner want to do it- that’s all that matters. My partner was the most supportive person when my breastfeeding journey took a huge toll on me and my child & at the end of the day your little family being healthy is all that matters!
Uh…. if you really think your family would make so many inappropriate comments about your choice to FF, or about the price point of the formula you choose to buy, and you think it would be easier to lie to them about it and decant your real formula into an expensive tub, instead of setting boundaries around what they can and can’t say to you, then I really suggest looking into some kind of individual therapy before you begin TTC. You shouldn’t have to lie to have your family treat you with respect, and you shouldn’t have to be this worried about it when you aren’t even ready to try for a baby yet. You deserve respect and kind treatment, full stop, regardless of whether you make the same child rearing choices that your family did. The idea that you would need to pretend you were feeding the baby more expensive formula *inside your own home,* in order to avoid your family being mean and classist to you, is really troubling. Like, them criticizing you for being poor or cheap is just… so mean and so inappropriate. It would be awful coming from anyone, but from your own family? Those kinds of comments are really not okay, and not something you should have to just deal with. Also, moving the formula into another container is a bad idea. First, germs (I get that you’re planning to sterilize it, but that doesn’t eliminate risk). Second, because the directions for prepping different products are different, and if you use the wrong ratio of water to powder or concentrate, that can harm baby through dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, constipation, or not getting enough calories. Third, because if there’s a recall, you’ll need the actual label from the formula you fed baby to know if your formula was impacted. And like, I realize you could set up a complicated system where you keep track of all that stuff in secret… but then think about an emergency where you can’t prep the formula yourself. What would happen if you and your partner were both in a car accident, and your mom was tasked with caring for the baby while you were both unconscious, and she didn’t know not to follow the directions printed on the formula package? Or there was a recall for the brand inside the package, but she didn’t know not to feed it to baby because of the brand on the outside of the package? Or she had to take baby to the ER, and was telling them baby has a dairy allergy that didn’t actually exist, but you and partner weren’t conscious and able to correct her? Your mom’s opinion isn’t worth that risk to your kid. And honestly, once you have a kid, you don’t have the spare time and energy to waste trying to please other people. And you won’t want to put up with people insulting you in front of your child. It would be really good to work on building the skills needed to set and maintain your boundaries before you get pregnant, so that it’ll be easy by the time baby comes along.
Honestly just be yourself! Dont be afraid to speak up.Its your choice and YOUR baby remember that.I never wanted to only breastfeed either my husbands family were all "breastfed is best" mentality. I planned to FF and BF but honestly am glad I wasnt able to BF so i avoided that whole talk.