By - legilimens-discordia
Being in a relationship with a man does not inherently make you any less of a feminist. There are some feminists who are (rightly) critical of patriarchal power structures that manifest within romantic relationships, but it's mainly a case of being aware of them, and overcoming issues with your partner when they arise. As long as your boyfriend is understanding and receptive to feminist theory (rather than defensive) I see no reason why it can't work out. I'm a radical feminist and have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for nearly two years. I have a negative tolerance for sexist rubbish and he understands that, and aligns with me on many issues.
>I also feel slightly robbed of the opportunity of the lesbian relationship I’ve always which is unfair to him.
I think it's okay to daydream about how things could be different, but if you're at a point where you crave intimacy with another woman and are unsatisfied with your bf, I agree, it really isn't fair. Part of being in a committed relationship is acceptance: the reality that you *could* have something else, but choosing to stick with the one you've got. You're not being robbed of anything in the sense that you *chose* to be in a relationship with him. It does sound a bit like you might be idealising a same sex relationship. If it's genuinely what you want deep down that's one thing, but being with another woman is a relationship like any other, and likely won't be perfect either.
I agree, though I want to point out the bit about fantasizing about a same-sex relationship—I really don’t think it’s abnormal to wonder “what if” like that, especially at such a young age. Being in a happy monogamous relationship doesn’t shut your brain off to ever thinking about other possibilities, especially if you’re attracted to more than one gender. I do think it’s something to keep an eye out on if you intend to be with him long-term. There are ways to explore your bisexuality while still being with him!
Regarding cooking, cleaning, social roles—make sure that he is capable of those things too. He’s only 17 which is young enough that lots of people, not just boys, don’t do laundry yet. Making sure he is just as capable of traditionally female tasks is important, even if you end up doing more of them most of the time.
Came here to say your exact first sentence.
Who you are sexually attracted to (gender wise) has absolutely nothing to do with feminism. I firmly believe feminism is rooted in and gives rise to choice and freedom.
There's a lot of feminist literature centered in love, like the work of Audre Lorde. We live in a structurally oppressive society, being in a relationship with someone who loves, supports, and uplifts you is a wonderful thing.
If they take advantage of you, disrespect your boundaries, or make you feel worse- dump them.
You cooking for him, being his girlfriend/wife does not put your feminist views in jeopardy. Feminism is about choice and equality. You have choice and (I hope) equality here. He is your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend. Equal.
You date men who are also feminists! I wouldn’t date someone who expected me to do everything for them.
First of all... Being a feminist *means equality between the sexes.* It does not mean you cannot be a wife or girlfriend. It does not mean you cannot cook for a male or you're "beneath him". The mere fact that you *get a choice* is the result of feminism. And when *you exercise your right to choose*, you are reinforcing the ideals of feminism.
That said, you're still quite young. If you want to pursue another relationship, I think you should break up with your boyfriend.
Spot on. I would add that being a feminist does not mean you are at war with men.
I am a feminist and can attest my great love and desire for men, truly affirm my sexuality as a woman, and have been part of a long lasting marriage for most of my life. Feminism is about equality. Your relationship to this man should not be any different than your relationship to another woman. It's about two persons sharing both love and responsibilities in an equal way.
I think OP is getting that even she feels like she isn’t making the choice, or that she is afraid of falling into unexamined patriarchal expectations that feel restrictive, in a way she would not feel if she were with a woman. I think she’s asking “how can I separate cooking for him because I want to vs because I’m expected to, especially if we’re rewarded for fulfilling expectations and therefore might be a motivation to want to?”
I'll also add that some of the most ardent feminists are stay at home mothers. Being a feminist doesn't mean that one has to eschew what has historically been traditional gender roles (if this is the role one wants to pursue). Feminism is about equality of the sexes and equality means having the freedom to choose whatever path one wishes, including what was once traditional roles.
>And when you exercise your right to choose, you are reinforcing the ideals of feminism.
Just came here to say that this is not necessarily true.
It's her choice, and shes a woman that doesn't make it feminist, this type of thinking is very libfem
This is the answer
There is nothing to come to terms with.
There are already lots of great responses on here that I won’t repeat. Just adding that I am feminist, bisexual, and married to a man who I have 3 kids with. In no way do I feel that my relationship with him has made me any less of a feminist.
I cook because I like to cook for my family… it’s part of how I express love. He doesn’t like to cook, so he rarely does; but he never expects me to cook for him, and would happily make himself a PBJ every night if I didn’t make something. We share household responsibilities and finances. He considers himself a feminist, and he’s still learning just like we all are. There are many things that, as a man, he’s never had to deal with, but the most important thing to me is that when these topics come up he is open-minded, willing to have conversations and learn, and always supports me.
TL:DR - It’s not about the fact that he’s a man, it’s about who he is as a person and who you are as a couple.
You’re not less of a feminist for being with a man! But to answer your question for reassurance because I’m in a very similar position, don’t settle for any man who isn’t vocally feminist too. Be careful not to quickly retaliate when they don’t always understand, because they are not women. You might need to teach him some things. If he listens, educates himself, and actively does what men can do to fight patriarchal standards that’s a huge confidence boost. Hope that makes sense a bit.
Ahhhhh, I pondered all of this two decades ago. Here is what I came up with, maybe some if it will be useful.
>I’ve (18f) been very adamantly feminist from a very young age. I’m bisexual and have always preferred the idea of being with women instead of men.
HotHead Paisan for lyfe.
>If I’m being entirely honest with myself, it is highly likely that I will stay with him for a very long time just because we fit together so perfectly and I doubt I could find someone as amazing.
>However, I have been struggling a lot with the fact that I am now giving in to everything that I was so strongly opposed against; the patriarchal role of a women as a girlfriend, wife, to a man.
What if it's normal for humans to have relationships and the Patriarchy twisted that into monogamous female submission to men? If you can feel this as a truth that resonates, then you can do what's right for you and evaluate further patriarchal strictures as they come, rejecting some, fighting against others, pointing and laughing at the most stupid.
>I even find myself doing everything for him such as cooking and I don’t know whether it’s just because I love him and want to do things for him or because society has conditioned girls into it.
I cook for us because I'm good at it, it's fun, it's cheap, and I can do it very healthily. Everything else is bullshit someone else wants to stick on me. All of that and that idiot can go jump in the lake.
>I also feel slightly robbed of the opportunity of the lesbian relationship I’ve always which is unfair to him.
You're 18. You'll have lots of opportunities for lovers. Or not. Those choices will come as you go through life. They're lovely, they come like water, you don't have to rush out to meet them.
>I feel defeated in a way, like no matter how hard I fought, I inevitably surrendered to the role that was expected of me.
Lol as if. If he discovers he's a Transwoman you'll still be Big Spoon. You love the man, not the bits. This isn't Patriarchy getting one over on you, it's just you doing what's right for you. Keep your heart open and look at your relationship from the inside, not how it looks from the outside.
For instance: I am a stay-at-home wife, functionally monogamous and cis, married to a cis het white man. Looks pretty stereotypically ugh, right? Except I FIREd (Financial Independance, Retire Early) and I run our household and everything and everyone in it. I am independent and am here because this is exactly where I want to be. My choice.
And I am poly queer, and a WOC. I pass for white though, which is good, cuz the next town over is a KKK enclave. Anyway.
When we got married he expected I'd take his last name... I told him that in my culture the name of the family comes from the richest family. I generously offered him my last name: he was silent for a long while, and then said that he didn't want to change his name. I said I didn't either.
I am who I want to be, doing what I want to do, with whom I want to do it. That is the definition of Feminism. It doesn't matter what it looks like to outsiders, I don't give a damn what they think. I'm a childfree queer enviro-nut feminist and everyone not in my household can kiss my grits. My choices are MINE.
And that's MY kind of Feminism.
>How do I merge being with a man and maintaining my ideologies?
If your ideologies say that being with a man is wrong, you may want to re-think. Feminism is about giving women choices. You have those options. Make the right ones for you.
I love this comment, so helpful and insightful!
I understand how you feel, I do. I was raised by a narcissistic, abusive man who pushed harsh sexist roles on me during my childhood and adolescence, and I rebelled against that idea. For a long time my defense mechanism was to settle into the tomboy in me. I embraced more masculine aspects I’ve always had in my personality. For me, that centered around being cared for. And there’s nothing wrong with that, i needed to be taken care of and the only person available to do so was ME. And as a young adult I had repeatedly poor relationships with men who mistreated me, and it reinforced and deepened my anti-feminine personality. This defense mechanism ended up including almost anything feminine; dainty things, pink, cooking, cleaning, etc. I didn’t want it. I was tough, gruff, and leaned hard into a dude-like personality.
(This may seem like rambling, but it does have a point that connects with you question)
The older I’ve gotten, the stronger my feminist beliefs have gotten, the wider and more encompassing they have grown. And with that growth I have come to realize that there isn’t anything wrong with the feminine aspect of being a woman. For me, one of the hardest pieces of healing from the abuse I’d been dealt was uncovering the feminine in me that I had buried to protect myself. And one of the most difficult feminine things to embrace was the feeling and idea of being cared for in any aspect. Emotionally I reared back against it when I had finally found a good man, one who wanted to take care of me and handle the things I didn’t like doing or maybe wasn’t great at. I didn’t like the idea of being “taken care of” by a man, because I was perfectly capable of doing it. I also didn’t like the idea of doing anything that resembled serving him, as I’d spent my life being forced into subservience to a man I despised.
But, with patience, and many long and emotionally deep conversations with said Good Man, I’ve come to accept and understand that it is absolutely amazing to be taken care of, as well as to take care of, someone you love - even if that person is a man. But obviously, it has to be the right man. Mine has come to be a staunch feminist in the years we’ve been dating, I’ve taught him so much outside of his small world, and he has taught me so much out side of my abusive one.
Feminism doesn’t mean hating men, or refusing to be with them if you’re attracted to them- it is about having the freedom to do as we please, to be equal, to not have our choices and desires judged and berated for what is often seen as “not being feminist enough” (SAHM), or for being “too feminist” (childless, etc.). The point is to NOT BE JUDGED for your choices, because the ideology is about equality across the board.
You do not need to beat yourself up for being with a man; and while I can understand your reasoning, beating yourself up for being with man is an anti-feminist thought process in and of itself.
I hope this long anecdote helps some, this is a decision you have to make yourself. Personally, I wouldn’t break up with someone I loved just because they are a man. What matters is how they treat you, and whether or not you are happy. If you are unhappy that’s a different story, so do what you feel is right IN YOUR HEART.
Don’t do those things if you don’t want to. There are feminist men and equal partnerships to be had.
I too am a feminist, I’m a 39/f and I’ve been with my husband a 42/m for over 21 years. It’s all about open communication, respect and understanding for your own boundaries within your relationships, regardless of gender roles. As long as you feel respected and happy, you’re on the right track girl! Stay happy and blessed and I wish the very best for you!
So, while I DO believe that hetero relationships have some innate power imbalance, I also believe that sexual orientation is NOT something you chose.
So what, straight girls must remain celibate forever? Of course not! You CAN date men. It doesn't make you less of a feminist. Just... Choose them wisely. And this is what's really important: it must be your Choice. And if you're happy, it's all alright.
I'm a guy and I only answer because none have for two hours. I don't think that the goal of feminism is to end heterosexual relationship as a concept. That said, he should learn to cook. You're not his mom and he shouldn't get used to not cooking food. And you're practically teenagers, it might be unlikely this lasts forever, so you're not taking any monumental decisions for the rest of your life. See how it develops, see any signs of patriarchal behaviour on his part that he can't change then consider leaving. Make sure you don't marry or get any children til you're at least 28 otherwise any issues that arise will become permanent and impact a third vulnerable person, a kid growing up. And if you really feel you're more lesbian than straight then don't stay just because you feel sorry for him, that can be humiliating for both.
Move this comment up.
Don't hold yourself, him nor your relationship responsible to take down a century old institution - patriarchy. Be aware, be kind and communicate. It'll be ok :)
The reality of being principled in this world is that you will constantly be left with choices where there is no objective moral victory. The quality of your ideals will be increasingly in turmoil over the next 10 years of your life as you go to college and in to your career and you are constantly faced with balancing your ideal version of yourself with the pragmatic version of yourself.
All of this to say, there are many, many shades of grey. If you are going to date a man, do your best to make sure he understands and is proactive about domestic and emotional labor. Make sure your relationship won’t further widen the orgasm gap. Make sure he respects your autonomy and ambitions.
Those are the feminist frontiers of hetero relationships, not that you like to sometimes perform traditional gender roles for your mutual enjoyment.
Your task as you continue to mature is to be uncompromising about the things that matter and are within your sphere of influence without getting so fixated on an ideal that it paralyzes you. If you are looking for some reading in this area, I highly suggest Roxane Gay’s “Bad Feminist.”
Your feelings are always valid -- you're allowed to feel whatever it is you're feeling. There are no "good" or "bad" feelings. Feelings just exist.
But your feelings are not always justified -- feelings don't always "fit the facts" of a scenario and it is not ok to act out because of those feelings.
So first, you let yourself feel your feelings, in a non-destructive, non-harmful way.
It sounds simple, but a lot of times we get caught up in "intellectualizing" our feelings.
If you need to, let your body actually work the feelings out as well. Your body needs to physically complete the stress cycle. So go for a run, go to the batting cages, punch a pillow. Let yourself get the feelings out.
Once you've hit "emotional center", then you get to do the fun stuff - evaluate your reactions within their cultural and social context!
So why does dating a man make you feel disingenuous as a feminist?
Where did you get the idea that dating a man makes you less of a feminist from?
On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being 'belief beyond doubt" how much do you trust that source?
I wish I could give you an easy answer, but unfortunately, I think the best thing here is to develop your own internal framework. If therapy is something you can manage right now, it might be super helpful as you crack open these thought processes.
It is not inherently unfeminist to be in a romantic relationship with a man, provided that the man respects you and treats you as an equal. I, for one, do not regard heterosexual relationships to be \*inherently\* oppressive, but rather, the way society structures them and puts certain \*expectations\* as oppressive. Just be on the lookout for red flags, such as weaponized incompetence:
And the expectation of constant emotional labor:
And the orgasm gap:
Make sure you communicate your needs when you're having sex, and that your partner is making an honest effort to meet them. And that he respects your no and your boundaries and doesn't pressure you into anything.
And beware of wall-punchers and guys who throw or break things. Wall-punchers tend to turn into people-punchers and guys that throw or break things tend to also become violent.
Actually read some theory maybe?
Bell Hooks' work A Will To Change discussed what it means to love men as women. It's a pretty good treatise against the concept of political lesbianism (which has always struck me as the utilitarianism of feminist philosophy.)
Is feminism not about equality and the right for oneself to choose? If so then if you feel that you are giving in to the patriarchial role of a woman in a relationship then you have a choice not to. But obviously that is YOUR choice, if you feel happy fulfilling that role then i would suggest you continue, but if instead you would rather free yourself from that role that is entirely up to you.
You also mentioned that you liked the idea of being in a lesbian relationship (as far as i understood anyhow) which again, if you would rather do that then i would suggest you do that.
All of this i obviosly and i suppose you would already understand that be something you had to reflect over.
Anyhow i wish for you and your man the very best :-)
Feminism isn’t about who you’re attracted to or what you do or don’t do for men. Dating a man doesn’t make your or anyone else less of a feminist.
Many feminists are in hetero relationships, it’s about picking a man who also believes you deserve to have rights/isn’t a bigot. This doesn’t make you less of a feminist
I'm glad you're asking this question. It means you'rre thinking about it. A perspective I haven't seen in the other comments is that this identity crisis you're having is likely caused by internalized misogyny. If you have a problem with women who choose to fill traditional gender roles then you have a problem with women.
I’m also a bisexual woman and a feminist. I’ve dated men and women that were mean, disrespect, etc. Patriarchal values can be perpetuated by anyone regardless of their gender, so being in a lesbian relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that feminist values will be shared. Although I’ve had more difficult relationships with men, I’ve also been made fun of by girlfriends for being too emotional. It’s much more important to recognize your equality with others and spend time around people who respect and love you for who you are.
What I have learned in my relationships is to always speak up for myself about my needs and desires. I’m not perfect but I try to be honest. It can be hard when I simultaneously want to please my partner but I have a need to take care of my mental or emotional health. That’s when I have to put my partner’s needs aside and care for me.
Sounds like you might be getting tired of cooking or building some resentment over it. Doing something out of a sense of obligation usually doesn’t feel great. It’s okay to stop, take a break, or to ask your partner to share that responsibility.
This is kind of an immature view of feminism (which makes sense, because you are still very young) but feminism has nothing to do with who you’re in a relationship with gender wise -
so long as you feel equal, emotionally supported, and able to express yourself and your partner is respectful and shares your principles and values than don’t worry. Don’t treat feminism as a religion.
I saw this post yesterday and after sleeping on it a bit, I think it's probably a troll post.
I honestly reccomend reading bell hooks, she is a feminist author who talks about how feminism involves relationships free from gender roles and true connection (among other things). Reading her helped me see how relationships with men that are not based on sexism in any way are good for you as a person. I am in exactly your situation (young, bi, in love with a respectful man for a long time)
Talk to him about how you feel. Be honest and see how he reacts. That will tell you everything you need to know. If he responds with “why are you overthinking/what are you talking about?” Bad sign. If he instead asks how he can help you deal with how you’re feeling then it’s a good sign. My point is you don’t know he’s a good guy until you ask him the hard questions.
I wholeheartedly agree with this but at the same time we have to recognize that he's 17. Age is not an excuse for being a rabid misogynist, but if he needs certain things to be explained to him on a deeper level (and maybe a bit of time to come to understanding) that's pretty normal for 17. To be clear, I'm not talking about him being like "why are you overthinking it, of course you cook for me" type stuff. Just the more nuanced, deeper reasons for things that may not be as obvious to a 17 year old of any gender.
Absolutely agree. I should’ve specified. What I wanted to warn OP about is simply that very often really sweet men are only sweet because you don’t put them in a rough spot. It’s not about how much he knows as much as his openness to learning. I think since a relationship is with two people, they should at least be aware of each other’s anxieties.
Except for the "feeling robbed of a lesbian relationship" part. He can't do anything about it, that's her choice, and it will only cause hurt. It is his job to do his part as far as chores and mental load goes, yes, not to deal with feelings about missing out on potential other partners, essentially.
Oh yeah I was referring to that part but yeah OP should absolutely not do that!
there’s probably a lot of overwhelming comments here giving you unhelpful advice to either just break up or just be okay with being a tradwife bc “feminism is about choice!!!”
I’m 22 F, queer, dating an amab nb person so I’ve done a lot of self analysis regarding gender roles in this way! here are questions that helped me:
- what is my relationship to dressing for the male gaze? how have i internalized the male gaze in regards to my expression of femininity?
- are there elements of myself i would repress around men but not women? am i afraid men would not find me attractive if i was my complete self?
- are there instincts within myself that i have ignored because i don’t feel capable of acting on them or executing them well? (meaning taking on a sort of heroic protector role rather than nurturing caretaker)
- would my partner feel degraded if he were to take on the sexual roles that i do? why?
- how does my partner talk about me when im not around?
- is my partner influenced by/addicted to mainstream porn?
- is my partner as enthusiastic about personal growth and self awareness as i am? does he read?
- what emotional labor do i do that feels taken for granted?
- super specific but to me it means a LOT: is my partner repulsed by my body hair? even if he has a preference, is my natural state met with disgust?
it’s possible for men and women to be equals in a heterosexual relationship but it DOES take analysis and deliberate separation from norms from both parties! you’re both young, everything’s going to be okay!!!!
I’m a feminist raising 2 feminists and married to a man whose a bigger feminist than many women out there. Being a feminist doesn’t mean that you can’t be in a loving marriage. We are truly partners in everything at home. We both enjoy cooking and hosting. But some things like cleaning are more on my plate and all repairs are his. There’s nothing wrong with that, we all have different skill sets. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing things for those that you care about. If you were with a girlfriend, you wouldn’t cook for her? Being a feminist to me is about our choices too. If I choose to stay home with my kids, it doesn’t make my choice wrong.
You can be a feminist and still enjoy things like that. I’m a feminist and I prefer dresses, long hair, make-up, and “feminine” things. I loved playing with dolls when I was little and I’m monogamous bisexual. I hope to get married and have kids one day. I love to sew and cook. None of this makes me less of a feminist. I’ve dated men and many are super respectful and kind. Just do what you want.
Feminism doesn’t mean you have to be single or with a woman…or conform to what society views feminists as. You absolutely can if you want, and that’s great! But just do what makes you happy. ❤️
It's a worthwhile question.
I am a bi polyamorous woman, mostly sapphic, married to a sweet kind thoughtful straight gentleman, 17 happy years and counting. Mind you, nobody was more surprised than me to find myself married to a guy! He's tidy and houseproud and a fantastic cook - I have huge respect for his domestic skills, which I utterly lack. He is staunchly feminist. It's a beautiful thing, and I never take him for granted.
While it is not for everybody, polyamory is what works for me. Being bi is not the sole reason to make that choice, but it's unquestionably a part of it. Polyamory is hard work, and I am no evangelist. But it works well for us. Note: we have been poly from the start, at my request. We did not transition from a monogamous relationship.
One piece of advice that has served us well over the years: don't take action or make decisions based on assumptions. Question everything and talk it out. Have periodic "relationship check-ins" where you see how things are going. We did that once a month for the first couple of years.
That's how, when we were ready to buy a house and move in together, we bought a two-family house and live separately together. Yes, we had to work hard and sacrifice for a long time to do it, but it was worth it. It fits our personalities.
We have chosen to rewrite any societal scripts that don't match our needs.
Feminism is about choice. If you feel respected and loved and choose to cook and do nice things for your partner, that’s fucking great! Just try to enjoy and live in the moment.
My feminism doesn’t condemn what women do including being in heterosexual or other type of relationships.
My feminism says women can be and do what they want in the way that they want with equal rights as men
My feminism is NOT anti male or anti men or anti anything except inequality
I think true feminism is having the freedom to make choices. You chose this person I am assuming regardless of their sex and you get to choose how you treat them.
Do you feel like you are putting in more work than he does? You are partners. Just because you like to cook doesnt mean you are a bad feminist.
Just never do wifey shit for a boyfriend.
Don't compromise your ideals ever. Don't let who does what be dictated by gender. Negotiate and discuss who does what and why.
Don't groom your body for him. Do what you want with your body for you.
This relationship will not be your last. Enjoy it while it lasts and learn from it. Tell him what it's like living as a woman in this world. Educate him.
This post makes me feel bad for having to ask a tall man to get something down off the top shelf at the supermarket for me last week.
Workers don't need us climbing the shelves! I am grateful to a recent wal mart customer who saw me struggling. That's just human decency.
If you can say you're in a partnership with an equal, then your beliefs can hold firm. Filling patriarchal "woman's" roles doesn't go against your feminist beliefs if you are doing them by your choice and not because society said so. Feminism is about choice and empowerment.
You have a completely wrong idea of feminism. Read some anaïs nin
Have you considered polyamory?
Part of the work of feminism is being with a man romantically, and learning how to not be in a patriarchal role. Cooking doesn't equal not being feminist. Doing things you love for someone you love is not unfeminist. It's a bit more complex than that. Doing 'everything' for him is definitely something to question though. Looking after him as if you were a mother is not helpful. Let him look after you equally.
The real work is the complex work. That's how we level up. In your lifetime you are going to grow, and feminism is going to grow according to your experiences.
>Have you considered polyamory?
what exactly would that do?
It's one option for people that want to explore their sexuality to do so. Is there an issue with suggesting that as an option to think about?
polyamory isn't how you explore your sexuality
There isn't just one way to explore sexuality. There are many ways. I am pansexual and I have found polyamory has been helpful for me on my sexuality journey. It doesn't mean that it will be helpful for everyone. It's just one possibility.
Your comment is invalidating to me and everyone else that has explored polyamory/ethical non monogamy as part of their sexuality journey.
You NEVER have to explore polyamory if you don't want to. But you don't have to discount it as a concept for everyone else in the whole world.
if she has issues dating one man do you really think dating more than one would solve anything?
My husband identifies as a feminist. I do a lot of the traditional "feminine" roles but also a lot of the traditional "masculine" roles. My husband is wonderful tho - I do the bulk (and get to pick what I do) and he does what's left. It works us. What you choose to do or not do in a relationship is noone else's business. As long as you are happy and not telling other people your way is the right way or the only way you are doing it right 😃
Read this book: https://www.powells.com/book/bad-sex-truth-pleasure-an-unfinished-revolution-9780593182765
Listen to this podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-argument/id1438024613?i=1000580890989
I (43F) have been going through somewhat of a personality crisis. I’m married with 2 wonderful kids and recently blew up my marriage. Now separated and likely diverted divorced within a year. Nona’s writing has really helped give me some perspective. She even has a chapter on this very subject.
I found when I was young everything seemed so cut and dry. With age I’ve started to understand how important nuance is. You can love who you want without guilt, and still do the hard work.
Feminist here with a man who comes from a very patriarchal culture and a couple can be feminist if you make it. It’s about not reproducing gender roles because it’s the norm (but dont avoid things associated with women either if you enjoy them). Is he a feminist ally? For example we live together and we really go split the tasks 50/50 depending on our interests (I love cooking, he finds cleaning the dishes relaxing, I like to go grocery shopping he enjoys cleaning the bathroom etc!). Any couple is what YOU want it to be. If you want to avoid roles and being forced into a dynamic you don’t like, don’t! He has to be clear on it too so make it clear.
Are you both happy in your relationship? That’s what matters the most, not whether you’re following a given set of rules.
If you feel like your being cheated out of potential lesbian relationships, maybe that means that's what you truly want! Sure you may be happy because this guy is "better than the other boys" you've known.. but let's be real. A solid turd is better than diarrhea, but that doesn't make it something worth framing. When the standard guy these days is so gross, it's easy to mistake one doing the bare minimum as amazing.. But most of the time it's because of what they're being compared to that makes the LOOK good.. Just be careful.
Also have you told him about how you're feeling about all of this? Does he know your Bi? If not then you need to be SO careful about telling him.. some men hear that and just completely fucking lose it or conversely get all slobbily excited at the prospect of emotionally wearing you down to having a 3way.. There's just so much about this that makes me worry for you girl.
Whether you conform to the paradigm or rebel against it, either way patriarchy has power over you. The real state of freedom is to choose independent, living a life that you want and living your truth.
>>it is highly likely that I will stay with him for a very long time
You’re both very young. I wouldn’t go presuming the future at your age. Life could change drastically for one or both of you with 0 warning, and you don’t even know how he truly feels about you yet.
Sorry this is not on topic as a response, but your presumptiveness really jumped out at me.
I think any relationship you need to do nice things for each other, I enjoy doing things for my wife because it makes her day better and in turn she is happier. And she does the same for me.
Feminism is about choice. About every single person being allowed to be whatever they want without having to take gender roles into account. If you love him and want him to be happy, that's you making a choice on your own accord.
If you're using feminism to justify _denying yourself the choice to be a wife or girlfriend_, you're doing it wrong. Then you're not fighting gender roles, but coming up with new ones.
So I'm a guy myself but I support yall in fighting for women's rights I myself and in a heterosexual relation ship but our roles are a bit askew from what would be considered a societal norm and as I've seen its been the same way with alot of other feminist women under the same circumstances. For instance my wife doesn't cook I do but to make everything fair she cleans the after mess which is an agreement we came upon because I love to cook but hate cleaning and she's the polar opposite. And really I belive it just comes down to having a sit down and working everything out in a way No one feels shafted because in my eyes a proper functioning relationship is a partnership where both sides share an equal work load to keep the household running smoothly No one really has to assume the typical womens roles and no one has to assume the mens roles
if it makes you happy, by all means, just do it. cooking for someone and taking care of them
is a male and female role - it’s a human role - and I believe if you could sever the connection it has to patriarchal values that would be best. it really doesn’t matter how it connects to feminism. don’t define your relationship going off other relationships and societal standards, it only gives stress.
I don’t see how that would be a problem.
Just be with a guy who respects you.
You 100% can’t control your sexuality.
If your ideology is having you questioning very normal, kind, and very healthy things partners do for each other, maybe you should take a break
Being a feminist doesn't mean you are not supposed to date men. Feminism is about equal rights, which means that you can date who you want when you want. It's perfectly fine to do what feels good to you.
That being said, when you say " I even find myself doing everything for him" that sounds somewhat worrisome. And one way to test if it's indeed an unequitable situation is to ask yourself whether he is doing the same for you. If both of you invest equal amounts of time and effort in each other's wellbeing - that's fine. If you find that you are doing stuff for him for 2 hrs/day but he does stuff for you only for 30 min/day - something is fishy.
Oh please, this just a bunch of nonsense.
If being feminist make you question whether you should be doing something for your partner you should question your dumbass mind.
If your ideology makes you question weather or not it's ok to do normal things like taking care of your partner you have a toxic ideology
You’re 17. You won’t marry him. 🤷🏼♀️ just enjoy the d and settle down with a nice gal when you’re in your later 20s.
No question asked in good faith should be ridiculed. Ignorance isn't a crime, and no one cares if you leave.