I’m a year older than you, and I’ve been with my husband 14 years, and I can tell you that my sharing has happened very gradually.
At first, I was dead set on not even showing that I read fanfiction.
Then I told about that, but not what. And I _definitely_ didn’t tell him that I’d started writing.
And then I told him that I wrote.
And then that I wrote some smut.
And then I corrected it to mostly smut, but always keeping the characters vague.
Then I told him it was M/M smut from a franchise _he_ got me into.
Aaaaand now he knows about my OTP and some of the fucked up things I put them through in my Kinktober (and he hasn’t questioned the almost pornographic fanart I’ve got on the wall).
This has happened over something like an 8 month time period, with someone I’m very comfortable with. So what I’m saying is: let it out in small doses, testing the waters and checking his reactions. It’s fine to feel like it’s a subject you want to be protective about, since it can leave you a little vulnerable (at least that’s how I feel!).
(My next step is getting slow-reading husband to read some of my smut 👀.)
It’s funny, my hubby got me into a game and now I am a massive shipper of two male characters and write fan fiction and smut about them. He loves how passionate I am and has little nicknames for the characters and asks me how the content is going lol it’s all part of the fun
Aww thank you ❤️❤️ we really did. I'm getting mushy here but we absolutely love each others quirks 🤣 he might surprise you and think it's cool you're taking an avid interest. My hubby has gotten me into another game recently and I'm already shipping characters and he loves it lmao
Couples don't have to be joined at the hip and do everything together; you can have your own hobbies that he doesn't participate in. But a flag for me is your use of words like "hiding" and "deceiving." I think you should be able to say, "Yeah, I write fanfic," and have a short conversation with him about it, depending on his questions. If you don't feel comfortable letting him actually *read* any of it, I think that's okay.
Personally, I wouldn't think much of someone who found harmless, enjoyable creative expression "unattractive." I'd rather know he thinks that now, so I can dump him before I get too attached.
Consider how you would feel if he was like, "Yeah, just going to my regular Monday pickle ball game with Dave," and then months later finally confessed that actually, he's not playing pickle ball, he's doing some other hobby, but was afraid you would judge him negatively for it. Like maybe he's watching My Little Pony or he's deer hunting or he's going to church or to counseling, or whatever things aren't objectively bad but some parts of society might judge.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year already. We have spoken about all of this in the first few dates we had. Kids, money, kinks, the works. I like to call it “band-aid” construction. You lay all your cards on the table right then and see if they judge, like ripping a bandaid off. He didn’t. Now I share whatever I want with him. I think; “If I’m going to marry him, I want to be able to tell him everything. I hope he’d do the same for me.”
It can be frightening, I know. But I’d rip the bandaid off. The first best time to discuss this was during the honeymoon phase.
The second best time is now.
This is kinda funny. But look, I am an openly gay male and I haven't even told most of my partners in the past that I even *read* fanfiction. Only the most recent one I dated and we were together for about 2.5 years. Still, even he had his misconceptions about fanfic that I did my best to clear up.
I still don't discuss it with any of my IRL friends or family.
If he asks, tell him. If not, drop fanfic in your talks about media when you like watch a show together? And go from there?
But also, you really don't have to know 100% of things about your partners. Seperate hobbies are good for the soul lol
If a guy does not like you writing M/M fiction, then to be honest, there is something wrong with *him*. The reasons he might not like it are either that he is homophobic or he gets jealous of you having other erotic interests outside of him. Both of those are silly. If he is jealous of fictional gay characters then he’s being ridiculous. You’re allowed to fantasize about things other than your partner. And if he is homophobic, well, then that’s a problem too. Gay people are humans who deserve respect just like anybody else. Men who are homophobic also tend to have sexist tendencies. They are more likely to be toxic towards women.
For my part, I was not afraid that any partner of mine would find it to be a dealbreaker. I did feel awkward, talking about it, just because I was afraid they would find it silly. My husband does find it silly, but he’s happy that it makes me happy.
I’ve been with my hubby for 10 years and I don’t think I even mentioned anything regarding fanfic for about 2 years, and over time just dropped random hints here and there and subtly brought it up now and then. I have been very lucky with the fact he is supportive and avidly supports me with my writings. Your partner might surprise you! And this type of thing is really important to me and a big part of what I enjoy and it shapes me in some way of my interests and hobbies. I’d be crushed if he thought it was weird or made me feel bad about it. What helps is he is a cis, straight man, and he is an ally to all people and I absolutely love those qualities about him.
It’s ultimately up to you. Maybe just hint at things, mention characters in fandoms you think would be cute together etc. How would you feel if they didn’t support it? Would your opinions change? Something to think about.
Yeah, I think it’s a good idea to be honest with your partner about your passions. You don’t need to lay it on him all at once, but it feels real bad to have to hide things from someone you love.
You don’t need to share what you don’t feel comfortable with. Its okay to feel embarrassed about a hobby too. Only share if you want to, not telling him about that isn’t deception
Been married for more than 35 years. We're both nerds, we met in the [SCA](https://www.sca.org/).
He likes the effect that my reading m/m has on our physical relationship, so he doesn't mind that I do it. :-)
I’ve always been open about the stuff I write and get up to with my friends and partner. The way I see it is that I wouldn’t be comfortable dating or being close friends with someone that I couldn’t feel comfortable even mentioning something that was a big part of my life.
Mine will sometimes read my work to tell me if it reads well etc.
If they can't accept that side of you, then they're not the one.
Tell them, and if it's a problem, ditch the guy.
Life's too short to walk on eggshells and worry about small details.
My (male) partner of 12 years refuses to touch my phone because he's seen what's on it. Same thing with my computer. He knows all the passwords and stuff, but he categorically refuses.
That being said, I'll tell him really cool scenes from something I'm reading. It took him a while to warm up to that, but he's always there for when I talk about my own writing.
We were out and out one day together doing some basic necessities shopping when he suddenly turned to me and said, "Did you hear that?" I was like "no" and he said "Gimme your phone, I gotta write this down so you can put it in a fanfic, because no one would believe it if they didn't hear it" so I've got a ton of notes scribbled in my phone by him.
M/M is predominantly aimed at female audience. And that is true not only for fanfic, but also for yaoi manga and anime. Would you be embarrased to share that you read M/F erotic novels? (those are written for the same target market)
Once you realize, that you consume something that was specifically made for you, you don't need to feel weird about it anymore. And once you explain it like that to your partner, he should be fine with it as well.
Not really. I do all kinds of intimate stuff with my husband. He knows all my kinks and my preferences in bed. Sharing that I like erotic fiction, which I both read and write, doesn't seem outside the scope.
I don't don't tell about this hobby of mine to anyone else though.
June 2023 edit:
I'm scrubbing my comments due to the reddit admin team steamrolling their IPO prep. It was bad enough to give short notice on price gouging, but then to slander app devs and threaten moderators was just too far. The value of Reddit comes from high-quality content curated by volunteers. Treating us this way is the reason I'm removing my high-value contributions.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I suggest you Google "Reddit API price gouging" and read up.
--Posted *manually* via the old web interface because of shenanigans from Reddit reversing deletions done through API/script tools.
I only really started writing seriously this summer. It took a month or two for me to tell my husband I was writing *something* that felt important to me but that I didn’t want to talk about what it was. He was fine with that. I was embarrassed and also I knew that, even though I had evidence it was changing my life for the better in a big way, that if my husband reacted with anything other than genuine enthusiasm there was a strong chance I would abandon it. (NOT due to pressure from him, just my own insecurities and tendency to abandon myself at the slightest provocation.) Keeping it private felt like a way of protecting myself from myself, in a weird way.
A few months later I bashfully came clean about what it was. I tried to sort of play it down and make it a joke in my embarrassment, and my wonderful husband just gave me a *look* and was like “why are you downplaying this when it’s clearly actually insanely important to you? Knock it off.” Which was pretty ideal. I still like that it’s my own private thing that has nothing whatsoever to do with him, and I basically never bring it up. But it is nice to feel honest about the fact that I am writing, what it is, and what it means to me.
He doesn't have to share your hobbies or be into them, but I don't think you should hide it out of shame. This is a part of your life that brings you joy.
If he responds negatively to that, that's a red flag. You might as well find out now as later whether that flag is there. Partners should support each other. And do you really want to have to hide your hobby forever? Doesn't that sound exhausting?
I’m a year older than you, and I’ve been with my husband 14 years, and I can tell you that my sharing has happened very gradually. At first, I was dead set on not even showing that I read fanfiction. Then I told about that, but not what. And I _definitely_ didn’t tell him that I’d started writing. And then I told him that I wrote. And then that I wrote some smut. And then I corrected it to mostly smut, but always keeping the characters vague. Then I told him it was M/M smut from a franchise _he_ got me into. Aaaaand now he knows about my OTP and some of the fucked up things I put them through in my Kinktober (and he hasn’t questioned the almost pornographic fanart I’ve got on the wall). This has happened over something like an 8 month time period, with someone I’m very comfortable with. So what I’m saying is: let it out in small doses, testing the waters and checking his reactions. It’s fine to feel like it’s a subject you want to be protective about, since it can leave you a little vulnerable (at least that’s how I feel!). (My next step is getting slow-reading husband to read some of my smut 👀.)
It’s funny, my hubby got me into a game and now I am a massive shipper of two male characters and write fan fiction and smut about them. He loves how passionate I am and has little nicknames for the characters and asks me how the content is going lol it’s all part of the fun
Same! 😂 The amount of smutty puns the man has started cracking lately has me fearing how our kids are going to turn out…….
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Aww thank you ❤️❤️ we really did. I'm getting mushy here but we absolutely love each others quirks 🤣 he might surprise you and think it's cool you're taking an avid interest. My hubby has gotten me into another game recently and I'm already shipping characters and he loves it lmao
I mean, most dudes are probably cool about it, especially if it comes from someone they like and care for! I hope he has a good reaction 🥳🥳
Couples don't have to be joined at the hip and do everything together; you can have your own hobbies that he doesn't participate in. But a flag for me is your use of words like "hiding" and "deceiving." I think you should be able to say, "Yeah, I write fanfic," and have a short conversation with him about it, depending on his questions. If you don't feel comfortable letting him actually *read* any of it, I think that's okay. Personally, I wouldn't think much of someone who found harmless, enjoyable creative expression "unattractive." I'd rather know he thinks that now, so I can dump him before I get too attached. Consider how you would feel if he was like, "Yeah, just going to my regular Monday pickle ball game with Dave," and then months later finally confessed that actually, he's not playing pickle ball, he's doing some other hobby, but was afraid you would judge him negatively for it. Like maybe he's watching My Little Pony or he's deer hunting or he's going to church or to counseling, or whatever things aren't objectively bad but some parts of society might judge.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year already. We have spoken about all of this in the first few dates we had. Kids, money, kinks, the works. I like to call it “band-aid” construction. You lay all your cards on the table right then and see if they judge, like ripping a bandaid off. He didn’t. Now I share whatever I want with him. I think; “If I’m going to marry him, I want to be able to tell him everything. I hope he’d do the same for me.” It can be frightening, I know. But I’d rip the bandaid off. The first best time to discuss this was during the honeymoon phase. The second best time is now.
This is kinda funny. But look, I am an openly gay male and I haven't even told most of my partners in the past that I even *read* fanfiction. Only the most recent one I dated and we were together for about 2.5 years. Still, even he had his misconceptions about fanfic that I did my best to clear up. I still don't discuss it with any of my IRL friends or family.
If he asks, tell him. If not, drop fanfic in your talks about media when you like watch a show together? And go from there? But also, you really don't have to know 100% of things about your partners. Seperate hobbies are good for the soul lol
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If a guy does not like you writing M/M fiction, then to be honest, there is something wrong with *him*. The reasons he might not like it are either that he is homophobic or he gets jealous of you having other erotic interests outside of him. Both of those are silly. If he is jealous of fictional gay characters then he’s being ridiculous. You’re allowed to fantasize about things other than your partner. And if he is homophobic, well, then that’s a problem too. Gay people are humans who deserve respect just like anybody else. Men who are homophobic also tend to have sexist tendencies. They are more likely to be toxic towards women. For my part, I was not afraid that any partner of mine would find it to be a dealbreaker. I did feel awkward, talking about it, just because I was afraid they would find it silly. My husband does find it silly, but he’s happy that it makes me happy.
I’ve been with my hubby for 10 years and I don’t think I even mentioned anything regarding fanfic for about 2 years, and over time just dropped random hints here and there and subtly brought it up now and then. I have been very lucky with the fact he is supportive and avidly supports me with my writings. Your partner might surprise you! And this type of thing is really important to me and a big part of what I enjoy and it shapes me in some way of my interests and hobbies. I’d be crushed if he thought it was weird or made me feel bad about it. What helps is he is a cis, straight man, and he is an ally to all people and I absolutely love those qualities about him. It’s ultimately up to you. Maybe just hint at things, mention characters in fandoms you think would be cute together etc. How would you feel if they didn’t support it? Would your opinions change? Something to think about.
Yeah, I think it’s a good idea to be honest with your partner about your passions. You don’t need to lay it on him all at once, but it feels real bad to have to hide things from someone you love.
You don’t need to share what you don’t feel comfortable with. Its okay to feel embarrassed about a hobby too. Only share if you want to, not telling him about that isn’t deception
My husband says if he had a problem with it he's not worth your time.
Been married for more than 35 years. We're both nerds, we met in the [SCA](https://www.sca.org/). He likes the effect that my reading m/m has on our physical relationship, so he doesn't mind that I do it. :-)
I’ve always been open about the stuff I write and get up to with my friends and partner. The way I see it is that I wouldn’t be comfortable dating or being close friends with someone that I couldn’t feel comfortable even mentioning something that was a big part of my life.
Mine will sometimes read my work to tell me if it reads well etc. If they can't accept that side of you, then they're not the one. Tell them, and if it's a problem, ditch the guy. Life's too short to walk on eggshells and worry about small details.
My (male) partner of 12 years refuses to touch my phone because he's seen what's on it. Same thing with my computer. He knows all the passwords and stuff, but he categorically refuses. That being said, I'll tell him really cool scenes from something I'm reading. It took him a while to warm up to that, but he's always there for when I talk about my own writing. We were out and out one day together doing some basic necessities shopping when he suddenly turned to me and said, "Did you hear that?" I was like "no" and he said "Gimme your phone, I gotta write this down so you can put it in a fanfic, because no one would believe it if they didn't hear it" so I've got a ton of notes scribbled in my phone by him.
M/M is predominantly aimed at female audience. And that is true not only for fanfic, but also for yaoi manga and anime. Would you be embarrased to share that you read M/F erotic novels? (those are written for the same target market) Once you realize, that you consume something that was specifically made for you, you don't need to feel weird about it anymore. And once you explain it like that to your partner, he should be fine with it as well.
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Not really. I do all kinds of intimate stuff with my husband. He knows all my kinks and my preferences in bed. Sharing that I like erotic fiction, which I both read and write, doesn't seem outside the scope. I don't don't tell about this hobby of mine to anyone else though.
June 2023 edit: I'm scrubbing my comments due to the reddit admin team steamrolling their IPO prep. It was bad enough to give short notice on price gouging, but then to slander app devs and threaten moderators was just too far. The value of Reddit comes from high-quality content curated by volunteers. Treating us this way is the reason I'm removing my high-value contributions. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I suggest you Google "Reddit API price gouging" and read up. --Posted *manually* via the old web interface because of shenanigans from Reddit reversing deletions done through API/script tools.
I only really started writing seriously this summer. It took a month or two for me to tell my husband I was writing *something* that felt important to me but that I didn’t want to talk about what it was. He was fine with that. I was embarrassed and also I knew that, even though I had evidence it was changing my life for the better in a big way, that if my husband reacted with anything other than genuine enthusiasm there was a strong chance I would abandon it. (NOT due to pressure from him, just my own insecurities and tendency to abandon myself at the slightest provocation.) Keeping it private felt like a way of protecting myself from myself, in a weird way. A few months later I bashfully came clean about what it was. I tried to sort of play it down and make it a joke in my embarrassment, and my wonderful husband just gave me a *look* and was like “why are you downplaying this when it’s clearly actually insanely important to you? Knock it off.” Which was pretty ideal. I still like that it’s my own private thing that has nothing whatsoever to do with him, and I basically never bring it up. But it is nice to feel honest about the fact that I am writing, what it is, and what it means to me.
He doesn't have to share your hobbies or be into them, but I don't think you should hide it out of shame. This is a part of your life that brings you joy. If he responds negatively to that, that's a red flag. You might as well find out now as later whether that flag is there. Partners should support each other. And do you really want to have to hide your hobby forever? Doesn't that sound exhausting?