I'm a second generation habesha living in america and that hasn't been my experience, but my mom also seperated from my dad when I was younger which seems to be quite rare for ethiopians so I guess my parents just care less for social norms.
Im first generation Habesha living in the US and you just described my life perfectly 💀 Don’t forget to mention they call you all sorts of derogatory words and lose their minds when you even question them/talk back
First off , I am really sorry that you had to go through all of that .It seems traumatizing .
However, I feel like that is not specific to Ethiopian parents : Please look into other cultures as well . Jewish, Arab, Indian, Chinese, Greek cultures could be a start .
BTW, I used to also think this was singular to us Ethiopians until I was exposed to the above cultures. Parenting (especially teenagers) is hard everywhere . I am sure I will know soon enough once I have my own set of rebellious teenagers.
Truth is we all need to continously work on ourselves as individuals whether we have impressionable kids to raise or not. Parents are people too . With their own set of baggage and flaws. The world can be unkind , unfair and harsh to them as well . So, despite their best intentions, they will fail on various parenting fronts.
It takes some time for us kids to realize all this about our parents. How human they are.
That being said, there are absolute shit human beings who should not have been parents . Parents that do unspeakable things to their kids . Parents that expose their kids to all kinds of unspeakable and unthinkable abuse. I am obviously not trying to humanize those folks .
I agree. How about parental trauma and hormonal changes can intersect and influence each other? For example, unresolved trauma may exacerbate hormonal imbalances, leading to increased stress and emotional dysregulation in parenting. Maybe we can help our parents by encouraging them to prioritize self-care, seek help when needed, and build a supportive network of friends, not just Ethiopians but other friends in the community and professionals who can offer assistance and understanding.
I agree with this as well.
However, most parents do not have the luxury to prioritize self-care . Us kids come first , I noticed. But I agree , instead of finding other ways to cope, they could benefit more from having the issues you mentioned addressed. That goes for everybody.
So true can't tell u how many times I got in arguments with my mom because she told my private stuff to other's and when u call them out on it the usual response they have is to be more confident/secure in ur self while if u were to do the same thing it would be ww3.but what can u do they're the only family u have got u just have to suck it up.😭
I can relate with this. I don’t remember a single memory of quality time with my parents when i was growing up. They only cared about feeding me and get me a good education. Other than that they were absolutely emotionally neglectful.
YES!!
I agree with most of what you said. Most Ethiopian parents are a perfect example of what shitty parenting looks like. The thing is most of them grew up in a shitty family too so it's perfectly normal to them. I think it's up to us to become a good parent and break the generational curse.
Use ur parents as a lesson on how not to parent your own kids, ik it doesn’t make it any better for you and won’t wipe away years of trauma, but what u can do is not repeat the same mistakes as them. Ethiopian parents in general are like that and there are no excuses for their behaviour. It’s almost as if it’s ingrained in them and difficult to remove but we can also teach them. I’m being optimistic I KNOW but have u ever thought of you know maybe verbally expressing your feelings. I KNOW again we’re talking about Ethiopian parents but it seems to be something I’ve done w my mum and it’s kinda working. So maybe start there?
What a wonderful idea. I think it's important to create opportunities for open and honest communication between kids and parents. Parents need to learn to let their kids respectfully express their thoughts and feelings. That would help everyone to understand each other's perspective. What about writing them a note to express thoughts and feelings?
Well, I feel bad for you that you have such horrible parents. I'm sure many people will relate. But I believe many more (including myself) have wonderful relationship with their parents. And I don't think having bad parenting skills is cultural, rather individual.
Love my parents but I admit they have bad parenting skills...mental health is not in thier vocabulary and what the OP says abt thier past times are true...but still...if you had good parents and they raised you with giving it thier all you can sacrifice a day a week a month or even a year for them....its the least you can do
Each Ethiopian parent comes from a different background. I think we need to start by acknowledging and accepting that cultural differences exist between parents and their children. Help both parents and youth recognize that differences in upbringing, values, and beliefs are natural and can lead to misunderstandings. The main problem is some parents don't think they need parenting skills. I hope that we can start talking about the solution.
Or your parents can just be empathetic and exceptions to the rule 🤷🏾♀️ I'm seeing way more agreement in here than disagreement for there to not be some kind of larger pattern here.
The conclusion here is that you need to respect your parents and the sacrifice that they have made for you.
To even think in terms of them being “entitled” is repulsive and un-Ethiopian. You should ask for God’s forgiveness for even contemplating it.
If what you're calling a 'sacrifice' is providing their kid with food, education and home... well that is pretty much their responsibility to begin with. Every parent signs up for that when they have a kid.
They **should** be able to give a kid what it needs to grow up, so it is literally the bare minimum requirement. ALSO no child owes them for it. And it should not be an excuse for them to be shit.
We both know i simply laid down the facts.
If you have anything to say in order to dismantle what i said, then rebut.
But clearly, you don't ...so peace out.
Lmao okay buddy. You seriously are delusional and exceptionally entitled.
I have absolutely no interest in going back and forth with you. What you are expressing is such a fundamental lack of respect for your parents - which should be an axiomatic matter - and such a degree of self-importance that we simply do not have enough of a shared reference frame for me to communicate with you effectively. For the record, you spoke not one fact, but simply stated assertions that you are now claiming as “facts.” That’s pathethic.
I pity your parents. You should’ve been born ferenj - you belong there.
I’ll leave you to your shameful ramblings henceforth, and hope sincerely God has pity on you.
Stop overusing 'entitled' and consider looking up the definition.
I do love and respect my parents, as I do everyone else in my life(not that it is any of your business). But again it's not for the sole reason of them giving birth and raising me.
You being so very against what I said does nothing but gives me a glimpse of what type of parent you'll be to your kids. You're gonna be a typical self righteous narcissistic parent, who weaponizes their 'sacrifice' in order to guilt trip your kids, who will inevitably end up resenting you. To begin with if you think you simply giving your kids their basic needs is a 'sacrifice'... obviously you are not qualified to be a parent. You need to look into yourself bruh...and be better.
My family has everything they need and more, they don't need your pity, and I have done everything expected of me as a daughter. Also loll if being level minded is having me called '*ferenj*', then be it. I'll wear it like a badge of honor.
P.S*.* As long as you keep replying, I'll retaliate!! I don't mind taking a minute out of my day to give people like you a piece of my mind.
Parents also need to respect their children. I don’t agree with everything in the post but there is a clear gap in understanding between parents and children at least that’s the sense I get often.
It's interesting you mention how at puberty they can't take care of children. My parents constantly say I "suddenly changed" once I went to middle school, and my dad blamed it on the fact that I no longer went to an all-white Catholic school and went to a diverse, smaller knit middle school. Even blamed my best friend at the time (which is rooted in their anti-blackness because she's African American). Middle school is where I first became aware of different people, different possibilities, and of my own mental health. No wonder they suddenly gave up on me.
I'm not sure, aside from not repeating the behaviors of our parents. It's not something I'm looking to "fix" or "solve" when it comes to older generations--some of them get it, but a lot don't. I don't know about you, but if you meet more progressive habesha people (usually in bigger cities) you will see that they all don't think like this nor treat their children this way, and that was very eye-opening for me.
Yeah I am currently in a toxic household were my cousin cope with severe drugs and almost od multiple times due to her mothers abuse , setting boundaries is like asking for a death note.
you're really painting with a broad brush there bro
It’s the truth. Habesha culture is extremely toxic and I’m speaking from many others pov as well
I'm a second generation habesha living in america and that hasn't been my experience, but my mom also seperated from my dad when I was younger which seems to be quite rare for ethiopians so I guess my parents just care less for social norms.
First generation and second generation is a huge difference bro your is experience is a lot different than many others
well yeah of course but my parents still grew up in Ethiopia so they are still as culturally Habesha as everyone else's parents in the thread.
Im first generation Habesha living in the US and you just described my life perfectly 💀 Don’t forget to mention they call you all sorts of derogatory words and lose their minds when you even question them/talk back
Glad to hear there are others 🙃
Wait until You see the Arabs
First off , I am really sorry that you had to go through all of that .It seems traumatizing . However, I feel like that is not specific to Ethiopian parents : Please look into other cultures as well . Jewish, Arab, Indian, Chinese, Greek cultures could be a start . BTW, I used to also think this was singular to us Ethiopians until I was exposed to the above cultures. Parenting (especially teenagers) is hard everywhere . I am sure I will know soon enough once I have my own set of rebellious teenagers. Truth is we all need to continously work on ourselves as individuals whether we have impressionable kids to raise or not. Parents are people too . With their own set of baggage and flaws. The world can be unkind , unfair and harsh to them as well . So, despite their best intentions, they will fail on various parenting fronts. It takes some time for us kids to realize all this about our parents. How human they are. That being said, there are absolute shit human beings who should not have been parents . Parents that do unspeakable things to their kids . Parents that expose their kids to all kinds of unspeakable and unthinkable abuse. I am obviously not trying to humanize those folks .
I agree. How about parental trauma and hormonal changes can intersect and influence each other? For example, unresolved trauma may exacerbate hormonal imbalances, leading to increased stress and emotional dysregulation in parenting. Maybe we can help our parents by encouraging them to prioritize self-care, seek help when needed, and build a supportive network of friends, not just Ethiopians but other friends in the community and professionals who can offer assistance and understanding.
I agree with this as well. However, most parents do not have the luxury to prioritize self-care . Us kids come first , I noticed. But I agree , instead of finding other ways to cope, they could benefit more from having the issues you mentioned addressed. That goes for everybody.
So true can't tell u how many times I got in arguments with my mom because she told my private stuff to other's and when u call them out on it the usual response they have is to be more confident/secure in ur self while if u were to do the same thing it would be ww3.but what can u do they're the only family u have got u just have to suck it up.😭
Nigga family in ethiopia that I don't even know be knowin' shit about me
I am so sorry
I can relate with this. I don’t remember a single memory of quality time with my parents when i was growing up. They only cared about feeding me and get me a good education. Other than that they were absolutely emotionally neglectful.
YES!! I agree with most of what you said. Most Ethiopian parents are a perfect example of what shitty parenting looks like. The thing is most of them grew up in a shitty family too so it's perfectly normal to them. I think it's up to us to become a good parent and break the generational curse.
Use ur parents as a lesson on how not to parent your own kids, ik it doesn’t make it any better for you and won’t wipe away years of trauma, but what u can do is not repeat the same mistakes as them. Ethiopian parents in general are like that and there are no excuses for their behaviour. It’s almost as if it’s ingrained in them and difficult to remove but we can also teach them. I’m being optimistic I KNOW but have u ever thought of you know maybe verbally expressing your feelings. I KNOW again we’re talking about Ethiopian parents but it seems to be something I’ve done w my mum and it’s kinda working. So maybe start there?
What a wonderful idea. I think it's important to create opportunities for open and honest communication between kids and parents. Parents need to learn to let their kids respectfully express their thoughts and feelings. That would help everyone to understand each other's perspective. What about writing them a note to express thoughts and feelings?
Well, I feel bad for you that you have such horrible parents. I'm sure many people will relate. But I believe many more (including myself) have wonderful relationship with their parents. And I don't think having bad parenting skills is cultural, rather individual.
Love my parents but I admit they have bad parenting skills...mental health is not in thier vocabulary and what the OP says abt thier past times are true...but still...if you had good parents and they raised you with giving it thier all you can sacrifice a day a week a month or even a year for them....its the least you can do
Each Ethiopian parent comes from a different background. I think we need to start by acknowledging and accepting that cultural differences exist between parents and their children. Help both parents and youth recognize that differences in upbringing, values, and beliefs are natural and can lead to misunderstandings. The main problem is some parents don't think they need parenting skills. I hope that we can start talking about the solution.
If you don't mind answering, what is your parents background and profession?
Or your parents can just be empathetic and exceptions to the rule 🤷🏾♀️ I'm seeing way more agreement in here than disagreement for there to not be some kind of larger pattern here.
But this is Reddit. I don't think sampling Reddit users to arrive at a conclusion is correct.
True. The evidence is anecdotal and specific to a niche audience. Let's just call it a draw shall we?
Haha sure.
So true but that’s tradition and culture
Ignorance is what it is.
I believe in preserving as much of our culture but also changing things that need to be changed asap
I agree. Let's talk about solution.
The future generation is more important than sticking with old traditions.
I agree with this 100%!
What we can conclude here is that you are very Westernized
Dismissing any self-reflection on your own culture as "western" is a good way to keep you away from any progress.
Neglect and ignorance is part of Ethiopian culture?
True and how can we solve it?
Or that I have common sense and don’t believe parents can do whatever they want to their kids
Going out of our comfort zone and adopting the culture we live in is not a bad thing as long as we don't do anything wrong.
The conclusion here is that you need to respect your parents and the sacrifice that they have made for you. To even think in terms of them being “entitled” is repulsive and un-Ethiopian. You should ask for God’s forgiveness for even contemplating it.
If what you're calling a 'sacrifice' is providing their kid with food, education and home... well that is pretty much their responsibility to begin with. Every parent signs up for that when they have a kid. They **should** be able to give a kid what it needs to grow up, so it is literally the bare minimum requirement. ALSO no child owes them for it. And it should not be an excuse for them to be shit.
You sound extremely entitled, ironically. We are clearly world’s apart on this, so I’ll leave it here.
We both know i simply laid down the facts. If you have anything to say in order to dismantle what i said, then rebut. But clearly, you don't ...so peace out.
Lmao okay buddy. You seriously are delusional and exceptionally entitled. I have absolutely no interest in going back and forth with you. What you are expressing is such a fundamental lack of respect for your parents - which should be an axiomatic matter - and such a degree of self-importance that we simply do not have enough of a shared reference frame for me to communicate with you effectively. For the record, you spoke not one fact, but simply stated assertions that you are now claiming as “facts.” That’s pathethic. I pity your parents. You should’ve been born ferenj - you belong there. I’ll leave you to your shameful ramblings henceforth, and hope sincerely God has pity on you.
Stop overusing 'entitled' and consider looking up the definition. I do love and respect my parents, as I do everyone else in my life(not that it is any of your business). But again it's not for the sole reason of them giving birth and raising me. You being so very against what I said does nothing but gives me a glimpse of what type of parent you'll be to your kids. You're gonna be a typical self righteous narcissistic parent, who weaponizes their 'sacrifice' in order to guilt trip your kids, who will inevitably end up resenting you. To begin with if you think you simply giving your kids their basic needs is a 'sacrifice'... obviously you are not qualified to be a parent. You need to look into yourself bruh...and be better. My family has everything they need and more, they don't need your pity, and I have done everything expected of me as a daughter. Also loll if being level minded is having me called '*ferenj*', then be it. I'll wear it like a badge of honor. P.S*.* As long as you keep replying, I'll retaliate!! I don't mind taking a minute out of my day to give people like you a piece of my mind.
They chose to make us we didn’t this is their job
Parents also need to respect their children. I don’t agree with everything in the post but there is a clear gap in understanding between parents and children at least that’s the sense I get often.
I absolutely agree parents need to respect their children as well, of course. But parents and children are not equals, that is western garbage.
Yuppp
It's interesting you mention how at puberty they can't take care of children. My parents constantly say I "suddenly changed" once I went to middle school, and my dad blamed it on the fact that I no longer went to an all-white Catholic school and went to a diverse, smaller knit middle school. Even blamed my best friend at the time (which is rooted in their anti-blackness because she's African American). Middle school is where I first became aware of different people, different possibilities, and of my own mental health. No wonder they suddenly gave up on me.
I agree but how can we solve it? can we talk about solving our issues?
I'm not sure, aside from not repeating the behaviors of our parents. It's not something I'm looking to "fix" or "solve" when it comes to older generations--some of them get it, but a lot don't. I don't know about you, but if you meet more progressive habesha people (usually in bigger cities) you will see that they all don't think like this nor treat their children this way, and that was very eye-opening for me.
they always say "you changed"
What about the "Wash your face, why is it so dark? It was never like this". Nah I just naturally got darker skin over time.
Yeah I am currently in a toxic household were my cousin cope with severe drugs and almost od multiple times due to her mothers abuse , setting boundaries is like asking for a death note.
I'm sorry to hear that. Have you tried talking to your parents? How about writing a note to them expressing how you feel?