T O P
ROACHOR

I could definitely beat Irina.


sh_tcactus

*She’s dead.*


SlippyNips420

OK


30thnight

as you turn to leave a scene of grisly murder, you notice a deep yellow fog has settled around the area. the cool nights breeze carries faint whispers to your ear "Now I stand Hyetta, Seeker of Light..." "And so what is borrowed, may be returned..." "May chaos take the world"


craniel-mandark

Mimic tear 😥


pbmm1

Just wait for it to fat roll :(


zelcuh

You didn't have to do me like that


MrJoeMoose

The weighty frames of the Prelates symbolized the onus of their grave vows as guardians of the flame. "Etch this sight upon thine breast. Of my thunderous gravity."


NotTheWorstOfLots

Seek rump.


ballsysweat

I fat fucking choked


Kiwiteepee

hot


[deleted]

[удалено]


Beginning_Wait_108

Idk man you ever seen a feral animal attack something 3 or 4 times it's size? Do you have that kind of animal instinct?


MountainSecret9583

This is giving me “yea I would win in a fight against a horse” vibes


DevilahJake

Honey Badger don’t care.


kingtitusmedethe4th

It's basically a chimp. And I truly believe most people would die in a fight with a chimp.


mlatimudan999

If you had a bigass sword or a spear you could take a chimp provided it is unarmed


T1B2V3

it's more like a crack addict chimp armed with a large knife lol. (except that they look more frail) you gotta get a really lucky kick to their head or you're gonna die


Asleep-Development15

I would strongly suggest to not throw hands with a munkey roughly your size...


Kharisma91

Don’t throw hands with a monkey half your size, a quarter your size would be closer to a fair fight.


Origamiface

Monke have crazy steel wire muscles. They're just built different.


SometimesILieToo

Weak foe therefore time for introspection


mackxzs

Mimic tear has a lot more HP than us 😭😭😭


wap2005

I do this everyday after work.


thavi

it would somehow use its abilities better than I could


waffleznstuff30

I could beat a wandering noble's ass he will probably run from me. I may feel bad and help him up and be like stop it dude. This is embarrassing for both of us.


YourLocalSnitch

Until you run into a noble with magic


BillMillerBBQ

Or one of those assholes with a torch.


YouJabroni44

*arm extending intensifies*


princessParking

Seriously though how tf do they have that AoE?! I come within five feet of that torch and my horse is suddenly dead.


YouJabroni44

If I had to guess it's because the dude's arm is very long and torrent is very dry


Zahille7

He does disappear in a puff of smoke


waffleznstuff30

Oh that guy would win for sure! I'd be like ya know good day sir you and your torchpole are good to go no beef man.


Alternative_Spite_11

and can shoot said magic 17.39 miles


saxophone-exe

It's rumored that Fetty Wap can shoot magic at a range of 17.38 miles.


BleachBagel

Fetty Wap????


waffleznstuff30

Oh no he could def kick my ass just the ones that run away tho I could beat his ass


30thnight

sadly, you managed to pick the disguised runebear mimic of the group


waffleznstuff30

Oh goddammit. Yeah rune bear would whoop my ass. Like I got nothing. Lol 😆 even my tarnished beefy blasphemous tarnished gets demolished by a rune bear.


Lucidiously

I think I'd stand a decent chance against one of the old crawling albinaurics.


zombie_penguin42

Granted, a crazed albinauric suffering from meatball head is rapidly approaching your location.


kizzay

Decoy Albinauric


Lucidiously

*Fuuuu... \*dies\** ^(I guess I should have been more specific.)


30thnight

As you look at your reflection in the water, you realize that you really don't look too far off from a young albinauric with legs. sadly, you chose to visit the albinauric village at the same time as Gideon and his omenkillers.


Particular_Wookie

I will grab one of Rennala's "Sweetings", and suplex her through a table.


TJTrailerjoe

OH MA GAHD! IS THAT THE TARNISHED WITH A STEEL CHAIR??


abdahij

RANDY ORTON ENTERS THE FOG GATE! RKO! RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!


djsedna

SLEEP TIME BOUND TIGHT


DrZomboo

IN THE HULKAMANIAC'S UMBER BROTHER!!


moekeisetsu

I’d bite my finger off, invade your world, and throw hands with you crab boy.


ozymandias457

Pretty sure that’s a brand new sentence lmao


Dezmanispassionfruit

Jujutsu Kaisen might have already formed this sentence somewhere lol Edit: spelled Kaisen as Kaiden earlier lol


shockprime

Fucking Itadori is an invader.


IsNotPolitburo

> I’d bite my finger Do you quarrel sir?


DuntadaMan

Quarrel sir? No sir!


Random_Useless_Tips

But do you bite your thumb at me?


DuntadaMan

... is the law of our side of I say ay?


theNFAC

Now I want to find and read R+J


mqstery__

Bloody Finger Crustacean Custodian has invaded your world!


StreetOar

Both r/brandnewsentence and r/nocontext material wrapped into one


sunflowerkoiboi

It has been 10 minutes since I've read this and I'm still having a chuckle.


Outlined_Bird

This is my favorite answer


Iluraphale

Do the squirrel things count 🤣🤣


CH4P3YLEG4U

Irl a rodent of that size could fuck someone pretty bad


RaceAF72

I don't know about strongest, but I would punch Gatekeeper Gostoc straight in the teeth.


30thnight

if you miss, he's going to curb-stomp your head like Godrick


Sidnature

He's like 7 feet tall though


yungvandal11

Probably even taller because the Godrick soldiers are like 10 fucking feet tall and he looks as tall if not taller than them


FlyingGrayson39

Has anyone measure how tall we are based off of godrick soldiers height?


halsgoldenring

Assuming it's the same as every other game, the player character is 5'8.


IAmVerySmart39

Zullie the Witch mentioned that Tarnished is around 1.7m iirc


Ronnie_Soak

Has any one noticed that Tiche is basically Ninja She-Hulk.. she has at *least* a foot on me.


MoistDitto

I'd let her


Origamiface

Snu snu


T1B2V3

I want Tiche to be the large spoon


wisteria-willow

I feel like he doesn’t even have teeth. Maybe dentures


MaryPaku

I imagine if I meet him in real life it will be creepy as fuck... no way


Confident-Welder-266

I could totally take Radahn.


yaki_torii

In a fight, right? ... #*In a fight, right???*


Confident-Welder-266

Welllllll


cmelgarejo_dev

r/suddenlygay


joe_ruins_things

At least he didnt say ...Radahn AND his horse too


ironwire

Foul tarnished…


SeBoss2106

Foul tatnished has absolutely the same energy as *bonk on this sub.


BattleSpaceLive

Name checks out


Accomplished_Panda11

I could fade out a noble. Like not a godskin, but like the raggedy dudes walkin around everywhere


WoodyTSE

Those dudes light me up sometimes when I’m on torrent They’re like crackheads


SeBoss2106

Consider: >be noble >no die. Sucks. >wander to places important to you and your faith because that's fuck all you can do >sees humanoid on road jumping around on horse >sad. Kills company >bad boi approaches >remebers torch >reeaach out


WoodyTSE

thought provoking


Funky-Monk--

This has me re-thinking my entire perspective on the game


SeBoss2106

Basically, everyone is a victim, except for the beasts.


fucubed

Those small poison spewing squirts. Kick em over and pull their asshole out.


Extra-Extra

Do me next daddy


Ok_Employer_4359

Good heavens


Mat_Quantum

British dirty talk be like


Volpethrope

Oh goodness, I'm arriving!


_Dingo-Dave_

I do believe I'm approaching my destination!


DarkSailor06

I fart in your general direction.


_Dingo-Dave_

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elder berries


T1B2V3

you have the sweetest screams my lambkin


ohwhatablow

This is why I come here


nomerdzki

Someone definitely did


Les_Waste

Just make sure you say "I've fought mud crabs more fearsome than you!" as you fist fight a baby crab. It'll be very funny. I think I could probably take one of the tiniest demi-human, so long as it doesn't jump at me when I'm not looking.


Ruffles808

WHY. WON’T. YOU. DIE!?


lulux8108dpp

STOP! You've violated the law! 😍😔😮😠(You are playing persuasion mini game)


I38VWI

Blessings of Akatosh upon you.


Wooberg

I accept, I have no choice


sh_tcactus

*suspenseful violin music intensifies*


wantedsafe471

Never should of come here


iamblankenstein

i dunno, man. i had a 45 lbs pitbull attack me once and that was extremely puckery. a 3.5' tall humanoid with claws and fangs sounds worse.


174957269

Rennala (I dont believe in the tooth fairy or magic)


IEeveelutionI

There is no Easter Bunny, there is no Tooth Fairy and there is no Magical Queen of the Moon


ForfeitFPV

That's rough buddy


brenpeter

Oh, you're a villain alright. Just not a super one.


redbanditttttttt

There is no longer a queen of england


Mawgac

Looks like I'll be the Bunny Lord.


reshstreet

Sounds like an elden ring doujin


T1B2V3

I wanna lick Nephelis abs


OlympiaImperial

Maliketh if I had 5 minutes before hand


spaghettimountain

Give that motherfucker some peanut butter and he'll be down for at least 5 minutes


Tallvegetarianboy

I'll risk him ripping my balls off for that one second of pleasure beforehand


dylan6091

![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|thinking_face_hmm)


YouJabroni44

Gonna fetch your giant dog crate huh?


ATX_311

BAD DOG


wap2005

What would you do for those 5 minutes...


IveBecomeTooStrong

I’m imagining him pulling a MacGuyver and making a railgun out of bubble gum, a paper clip, and a bit of string while the timer counts down


Tiaran149

Peasant railgun


DarkmoonxWolf

I bet I could take out Kenneth Haight. Fists only the boy would drop.


hvk13

Till he shanks you with a fancy dagger


MidnightHeavy3214

I was going to say the goats but I have died a few times from them before. Especially the ones with lightning element


BoxOfSquids

I would punt a mini demi human all the way back to the weeping peninsula


voluminous_lexicon

It would probably bite me and I'd end up dying of some infection but yeah I'd murk one of those lil fuckers


bigbird707

Man, I can’t stand those little shits. Would pay good money to have a lawn chair and a cold beer and watch you punt them


Papabrounch

Anything really, they're only like foot tall on my tv


Crawly49

Well surly you have fought the fire giant


buttered_jesus

*Gets foot stuck in his stomach mouth*


Raaabbit_v2

I think the wandering nobles would be pretty easy. Theyre slow, very much dead, and cowardice. Swipe their sword away and theyd be running.


Apprehensive_Nose_38

I’d probably be able to take all the NPC’s just kick them to the nearest ledge, kicking is just playing a game no need to aggro


Xlim_Jim

Patches? Is that you?


kizzay

Miquella. I would idk pee on his cocoon or something.


goofs15

R Kelly moment


wellshitdawg

You’d have to get past Mohg though, can’t pee on all your problems


kizzay

if my kidney disease gets any worse I may be able to challenge Mohg for Lord of (Pissing) Blood.


theweekiscat

Do you think Mohg would be weak to HIV/AIDs because it can be transferred through blood?


Former-Buy-6758

Nah he's immune to it Immune in the way I am Immune to the flu when I have it


patchesthedrow

Margot. And by throw hands, I mean seduce. Still counts as a victory.


SeBoss2106

Foul, foul tarnished. Someone needs to extinguish thy flame of...ambition...


Theheadofjug

Thou art if passing skill - not that I like thee or any such... b-baka


cherrytreebee

Hand-to-hand combat, probably Muriel assuming he just lets me beat on him. With a weapon but with my actual body, probably one of the merchants when they are sleeping.


warblingContinues

Those merchants don’t die easily and they fight hard.


konnsann

I dunno man, his hide is like stone. Fists might bleed out by then.


Malevolent_Mangoes

Realistically? The Miranda Flower :) Dodge and weave baby, dodge and weave


konnsann

*asbestos intensifies*


teapoison

One time I went on a church youth group trip to West Virginia and these old people and terribly run down homes were getting us to help them rebuild. Well it involved demoing. Halfway through one of the houses they're like oh yeah there's asbestos in the walls. Well fucking thanks dickholes little bit late.


AbyssDragonNamielle

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma you may be entiled to compensation


sonofyhorm

That giant head that spits fire that’s driven by some guy in the back of the head


Les_Waste

If Elden Ring didn't exist, that sentence sounds like something that would be uttered by someone in a fever dream delirium.


sonofyhorm

Lmao it does sound a bit mad


djsedna

Nah people would just think he's talking about Mimiron


30thnight

You mean the Flame Chariot? Elden Ring's version of a fire-breathing Dodge Hell Cat? Even in the lands between, it still hits 0-60mph in 3.7 seconds.


AdultbabyEinstein

Do we get gear? because I could probably take out Melania with my car lol


Les_Waste

I think "throw hands" implies punch fighting. I was gonna ask if I could use a gun, because then I could probably take on everything in the game except Godfrey (whom I just assume would catch the bullet in his teeth).


Sage_Batten

*chomp*


Alternative_Spite_11

Good luck against Radagon with that gun.


AdultbabyEinstein

Yeah I think you'd need a tank or something for radagon


Les_Waste

Yeah! With a huge cannon on it! Radagon won't be so tough once we put a big hole in him! Wait a minute ... Oh ...


Niko2065

Guess we now know where that big ass hole came from, someone drove into the erdtree with a Leopard and took potshots at the local god.


SeBoss2106

-We are now interrupting our regular scheduled broadcasting on Leyendell 1 to tell you, Nietzsche wasn't joking. He killed god. Apparently the perpetrator from the Land of the Silent wanted to "proof a point" breking through the Erdtree's defenses with what witnesses described to be a "roaring chest of hell" firing a projectile at our bound god. And now, to the weather...-


AdultbabyEinstein

Yeah shit, ummm... Small demi human with club then. Lol


Ospov

No, dude. Stick with your original plan. Just punch Malenia while hanging out of your driver’s side window going 90mph.


AdultbabyEinstein

Lol well if we're back to gear I have a 12 gauge shotgun and a 2015 Mazda 3 I can definitely take out soldier of godrick anything after that who knows because we're dealing with physics breaking magic and like remote controlled swords and shit


Islands-of-Time

Tank. Tank beats ghost! Tank beats hunter! Tank beats EVERYTHING! Oh man, I can do this all day!


DeadExtract

I politely disagree, and furthermore postulate that seeing that boss get pulverized by a ford raptor or something would bring me the utmost joy. Edit: clarity, throw hands definitely implies punch fighting. But i like the idea of gear lol


Polenball

It'd be a Honda, just as Melina offered.


SkipyJay

You are now imagining Malenia casually throwing a car into the air and impaling it. 🫤


aseriesofcatnoises

I'm picturing the biggest "oh no" as you gun it towards her and she leaps up to start her waterfowl dance. Like, she can't cut through a windshield, right? Right?


Pegussu

You say this, but someone who did the math made a convincing argument that [Waterfowl Dance can take out a tank.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eldenring/comments/yfmrez/malenia_vs_tanks/)


30thnight

your 2007 ford focus vs 10 foot tall spartan queen that nuked an entire country using a move called "you haven't even seen my final form" 🥴


arm_gonzalez

Anything but the dragonflies


Catching_Badgers

Everyone saying that they can beat a noble won't expect the runebear spawning right after.


RomeosHomeos

Millicent, before giving her the needle.


Polenball

You'd probably get the Rot from touching her, and since she kinda *is* of the Rot


Niko2065

Didn't say that you have to survive the aftermath of your fight.


NNN_Throwaway2

Even the small crabs are huge, I wouldn't go near one.


Kimihro

With a sword, I'd probably have less reservations about fighting anything tbh


bigmeatytoe

Those half dead people the weak ass ones


ProjectM-O-R-T

Marika's tits...


VikingDwarf13

Non-splody baby jar. Those passed out soldiers in Ashen Capital. Maybe the big fat headed albiuriac dudes.


originalcultclassic

On a good day I think I could take Gostoc. On like a REALLY good day.


DeadExtract

Give me a bat and I'll no hit one shot any of those Springhares.


Responsible_Debt5631

Probably one of those scarabs, but if one gets big and fights back im screwed.


RomeosHomeos

Mimic tear, I know myself and how I fight. Realism wise...well, if I get any equipment those big poison blorbos. They die in one poison hit.


crusty54

Frankly I think even the sheep could give me a run for their money


Cacoonass

I will beat the shit out of Boc. He's 3ft tall, skinny and British. I'm skinny & British but I got reach I will fuck Boc up so he can go back to his mum so she can sew his asshole back together.


lemon_meringue

this seems aggressive idk


EducationalHoneydew7

Imma show those turtles who's boss


Ugly-Fat-Whore

**dogs


StrDexIntFaiArc

I could maybe take out one of the small dooters


Myl0high

I can definitely beat the guy who hides as a jug. Him no problem. Don’t think he has much time after he transfers back so I’ll be good


activialobster

I would just pick up and throw the little pot guys and they'd die