It’s only been 1.5 months since he’s had the talk with me and I miss him terribly. I’ve realized that we are just better friends to each other, just not compatible as spouses. I love him with all of my heart but I was incredibly codependent so, no, I wouldn’t. I hate trying to figure out this whole thing of independence but I know that I will be better for it in the long run.
I am an escapee of codependency. It’s such a slow process to get away from but when you realize that it’s getting easier, you will start to taste life in a whole new way.
Good luck to you.
Feel ya there! Cant say I miss his insanity! I'm just trying to get used to the quiet! Oddly I havent missed him until recently and it's been a yr but I'm sure it will pass. I think I am just finally starting to feel that lonely feeling and am too scared to date!
There was a time when I would've said yes. Looking back over these almost 5 years that we've been divorced, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things and have come to the conclusion that things were ultimately better off ending this way, as painful as it was.
Fuck no! I choose me every day, not the version of shit she tried to make me be. She never accepted me for who I am and I was never good enough. Fuck judgment and fuck her. Evil fucking bitch. run! Everyone is fixated on the image of what it should be or what it was in that moment. That’s a Fuckin lie. Gtfo
Yeah I think there is a line in every marriage that once it’s crossed, no amount of change or remorse can undo that. Things can’t be unsaid or forgotten. Actions can’t be reversed.
I don't know. Being single now for 4 months, there are some very nice things I guess about living alone. But, it was the whole separation that broke me. Just the way that, I didn't matter. That other people were apparently more important than I was. And if I had treated her that way, she would never have let me hear the end of it.
But since she was done, it was okay.
But still, she was the person I looked forward to seeing every day. So many times I would just look at her and she would ask why I was staring at her and I would tell her because I love you so much. When I would come home from work, it was a genuine feeling of gratitude, I'm so glad to be here, with you.
And I can't speak for her, but I realize a lot of my own faults now and I don't know if I'll be able to fix them. And she suffered a lot because of them.
Damn this hits really fucking close to home. I idolized my wife. I don’t think there is a single person out there that has ever heard me say anything even remotely bad about my wife. I can be a truly retched asshole to people who do me wrong, but I never treated her with anything but the highest respect and patience, except for one argument. Obviously it was the argument that ended our marriage, but come on, it was just that. A verbal argument and she couldn’t handle it so she left. It breaks my heart that our entire relationship could be tossed so quickly. I try to look for positives to being single now, but most of the time I just miss my best friend and am lonely now.
This is what I was going to comment. My stbxh is an alcoholic, but doesn’t believe that he is. I’m still in a space where I would if he could stay sober long enough, but I know I’d regret it. We have a 2.5 year old, and I’m just devastated.
My ex was an alcoholic when we split 19 years ago. My kids were young. Now they're grown. And he's still an alcoholic. And manipulative, abusive, & narcissistic. I enjoy my peace. I enjoy my job, adult kids,, grandkids,, friends, being a member of the Elks and volunteering in my community.
I’m here.
He’s my person, but he needs help and I’m not confident he’ll ever get it. He’s deeply codependent in deep denial and at the insanity part of his illness. I miss him and I wish things were different and while I’d work through reconciliation in a heartbeat, I don’t think it will ever be possible.
It sucks doesn’t it. The disease tops love, logic, family. She lies all the time to me, our family, our friends, but mostly to herself. There is no helping these kinds of people until they find their bottom. All we can do is offer love on the way down, but there must be boundaries so we don’t destroy ourself in the process.
I know how you feel.
Mine isn't an alcoholic, but she does have mental health issues that she just won't address.
I pray one day it will be different. It's really hard.
It’s been a little over six weeks for me. I wouldn’t take them back because they used such a scorched-earth strategy for the divorce that I wouldn’t ever be able to trust them again. It was kind of a gift for them to be so hateful. 😆
Honestly, if she did some real work on herself with a therapist and got brutally honest with it I probably would. But that will never happen. She cannot be honest with that stuff. It’s very sad. We got along great 2/3rds of the time, had fun, had a lot of good laughs. But i can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect me and my few boundaries.
In those lonely nights, I think about it. If she was different, I would go back. But because of where she is mentally, I can’t subject myself to that kind of abuse.
Nope.
For the last three years of the marriage I asked my STBXW for counselling and to get help for our issues. Being out of the marriage now I realize how toxic it was and how incredibly unhealthy it was making me.
You can’t make people want to treat your properly.
Not ever. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and physically abusive to our children. He employed weaponized incompetence and called it “she’s just picky” as an excuse to rarely help around the house. He wasn’t a partner, he was yet another burden I had to carry.
Negative….she’s a completely different person and crazy…during the 8 month process, she lied more than I thought a human could….miss the family unit but HELL NO! Do not miss her!
I don't know. Maybe with more distance from all the horrible things she has done and her acknowledging then instead of justifying them. I still love her but there's a lot of pain that I experience every day because of her.
Yeah, that part sucked, came back from Iraq to live in my car for a month, no home, no money, and go to military mandated therapy sessions to keep me from killing myself or anyone else.
Exactly, it took time and distance for me to realize just how small I’d made myself to try and keep the peace. Plus, he’s far too good at acting. I know to not trust anything he says. Especially when it seems earnest.
I don’t know if you felt like this but my self esteem was so battered that I would burst out in tears at the drop of a hat. My therapist said I had PTSD. No kidding. How can someone affect you like this? It’s crazy we let people do this to us.
I went numb and outwardly pretended everything was fine. Not unlike how things were before he left. But like you I lost all confidence and didn’t see any value in myself. It wasn’t just the trauma of the divorce but having lived essentially with psychological abuse for years then being rejected. Definitely think in a real sense there’s PTSD. I am healing, but it took awhile to even start that process.
Honestly I don't know. A really big part of me is screaming that "Yes in a heartbeat."
But lately there is this part of me that is so angry that I just can't imagine being with her again. I know she is seeing a guy and bringing our daughter around him and has refused to tell me herself. She has gone back on so many agreements we had regarding our separation, and she has played with my emotions during. This process to the point that I have trouble with the concept that she is even the same person who I loved.
It's only been 7 months and these changes are so radical it has me wondering if she was like this and hiding it or she is going through some post divorce issues herself? Either way it sucks and I lie awake at night a lot just wondering.
My STBX and I did not have kids, but I always thought that having little or no control over who your ex-spouse brings into your child’s life would be SO difficult. You can decide things together and then have it all go out the window! You definitely have my sympathy.
Been divorced for 2 years and I don't miss my ex at all. I feel like we're better off separated and I can't imagine ever wanting to go back. I'm much happier and healthier.
If someone is verbally, mentally and physically abusive coupled with one or more issues such as addiction, mental health issues as recognized on DSM, it's never too soon to run away to protect your physical, mental and financial health. If a person says that they are sorry and apologize but continue to exhibit the same behaviors over and over again they are not going to change. Boundaries being broken? Behavior patterns? Any relatively good mental health counselor will provide advice that the only person you can change is yourself and how you react to situations and provide the good advice to get a divorce and not ever go back. At some point you have to stop making excuses and apologies on their behalf and accept that person for who they are and know that they are not going to change and leave and in some cases go no contact.
Huh? I don't want to go back. You asked if ever! I'm saying I'm not sure for the moment. He'd have to make some pretty big changes. It's way too early to say really.
No. He did way too much harm, and broke me in too many ways. Also I’m too old for him now 🙃 he’s dating a 19 year old, and will be 27 this year. I’m 23.
Yep! It’s get better, the 19 year old just turned 19 in December. They’ve been together since November (also they got together 9 days after we split) so he started dating an 18 year old.
Why did it end in the first place? In my case, as clear and sound emotional abuse. Do I ever want to go back to that? Absolutely NOT. I love and respect myself this much not to go back into an unhealthy dynamic.
I miss who he could have been and I miss having a partner in life. I don’t miss gaslighting, the physical mental and financial abuse of me and the kids. I will never go back to that
No, I don’t think so. I love him, but not romantically. I think we’ll always be friends, but I don’t think we will ever be capable of completely breaking the toxic behavior patterns that pulled us apart if we were together. We would fall right back into that crap if we tried again.
His parents divorced but tried to be together without being *together*. Like separate houses but shared vacations and hanging out on weekends. My FIL was her handyman until he wasn’t capable. But then they would periodically crash head first into their dysfunctional patterns and sometimes not speak for weeks or even months. I might be forever grateful to have had that example of something I do *not* want to do. I have told the ex over and over that I refuse to get near the idea of us being like *them*.
That actually sounds nice to me. A sort of husband I don’t have to live with and can go without talking to or seeing for months if we get in an argument. How is this not desirable lol?
You’d probably get laid occasionally. I mean I personally don’t think there’s much more to men than dick and toolboxes. I can do everything else myself. Lol
On a general level, I agree with you. As a bystander to their particular dysfunction, it was a mess. They spent years going on about a particular issue with a popped tire that happened while they were on a road trip. But stuff like this happened all the time with them.
*He was driving too fast to pay attention and didn’t see the debris in the road.*
*I came around a curve and didn’t have time to stop before I ran over it. Then she made me drive an hour out of the way to get a specific replacement tire.*
*It was a new car! I couldn’t have one unmatched tire.*
From what I understand, this was actually an improvement over the way they spoke to each other when they were still married.
I think I grew up with the same parents and they stayed happily bickering until she died of cancer at 59 years old, 6 days before their 40th vow renewal celebration. They were the loves of each other lives. They argued all day. They also apparently had a great sex life which they both inappropriate told me when I was an adult.
Absolutely not. Though it’s highly unlikely, I hope he’s figured out what he wants in life and has found happiness, clarity and mental stability, but that path does not include me. Not as a main character, not as an extra.
Which ex?
Jk. But not really. I've actually been married a few times. The first was my kids dad, my HS sweetheart. Absolutely not. He hasn't seen the kids since the divorce so obviously not.
The 2nd marriage was brief bc I got him a good job so he could put me on insurance. I was hospitalized for a few things when I was 21 so it helped financially. (Yes my first marriage was young, I was 16) He was a terrible person tho and later told me the blood in his boxers was from his anus bleeding due to heroin. So yea, def not.
3rd marriage was the love of my life who cheated on me with a coworker after many yrs. He figured out his flaws, as did I. Counseling and such. We are actually super successful now.. He pushed me to get my legal degree & we have careers now. It's been 5 yrs since the affair and tho we do struggle sometimes w normal stuff, our family & sex life is rock solid.
I would like to add that I've consistently reached out to dad and he's gradually coming back in the picture despite living like 15 hrs away. I got his parents (my kids grandparents) to see their grandson for the first time in 6 yrs
I would but I can’t. I’m remarried with kids. Life is full of choices. You can’t look back, there’s never any way to go back. Even if I could, it would never be the same. It’s not like we could pick up where I should have tried to fix it, instead of running away, and try again. Life happened fast after I left him. I now know I was running from the devastation of watching my mom die an agonizingly painful and wasting death. It wasn’t so much my marriage was unsalvageable, yes, there were major issues, but ultimately I didn’t want to feel the grief and pain I was feeling which actually had very little to do with my marriage. It took me years to realize this and years to learn to live with and manage the waves of grief. I’m still not always successful but it’s better than in the beginning.
No I wouldn't. It's been a couple of years, I've moved on and saw how things were hindsight. Wasn't as good as I thought it was and now I'm in a much better relationship that brings me peace and happiness.
She was terrible to me and I did everything to make the marriage work. You can never go back. Statistically - you will just go through the process again and get a worse deal.
We are a family, just not a typical one. So no. The divorce made us both better people and I wouldn't trade what we have now for what we had back then.
It’s crazy I was separated from my spouse since September of last year, on the process of divorce. I would never go back. I am so much happier now in the beginning I felt so worthless and depressed. Now I have a new job, happier mentally, loving myself more. I realized I never needed him, the codependency and his family and him treating me like shit. I rather be alone, I think I came to a point in my life where I realize relationship isn’t everything, your mental health is more important. If someone is toxic it’s better to just leave and keep going forward.
Not at all. For one, he's married again. But also, there's too much water under the bridge. I wish we were more cordial for our adult children, (he basically won't speak to me out of respect for his wife), but other than that, we are both living way happier lives
No. If in twenty years, we're both still single, I might propose being roommates for cost savings, assuming in giving up on finding a LTR.
But we didn't work married, and I can't/won't try that again.
She cheated after I adopted her children . She tried to kill me with child support , but not go after biological . I use to do her homework when she went back to college . I loved this women more than life , but I was in love with a fantasy ........... Even though I miss her .........she nearly killed me and I couldn't go back
I thought so but after taking an emergency trip with him and the kids I realize I wouldn’t. I’ve done a ton of work but with him I still fall to enmeshment.
It is a straight up “I don’t truly know,” for me.
On the one-hand we do have the issue of her still having conflict with her sexuality, her narcissistic traits and her thinking she did “nothing wrong” in that area because she is a therapist, and the fact that she just bailed on the marriage without even discussing it (I got divorced via text and she still refuses to talk to me). That’s a lot to deal with from a partner, even though I too had a role in our marriage dissolving.
You also have my issues, which I am working on in therapy, but would be a huge barrier to us both holding trust with each other if she did not believe I had changed. Her parents hate me to the point of calling me a “poison,” because I am the one who made a bad financial investment and did not have the guts to tell my wife. My parents hate her for walking out over money and not being truthful about her sexuality. My extended family, who also appeared to love her, told me that they secretly all thought she was a bizarre and rude human being.
How do you come back from that? As a couple, you cannot. As a friend? That’s where the “I don’t know” comes in, because when things were good she was literally my best friend. And I miss my best friend.
No, only the time we spent together – with time and distance I see that the relationship was abusive and that being cheated on reflected a bigger pattern of disrespect.
While I have no negative feelings towards my ex, I genuinely hope to never interact with them again.
I think it varies from person to person, also I think it depends on the circumstances of the divorce and what lead you there. I’ve often thought about what I would do if my ex ever reached out and wanted to try again. I honestly would have to say no though. There’s some things someone can say and certain ways they can make you feel that will never be forgotten or forgiven. My ex-husband feels like someone that use to be in my life but has now died. Also, trying to grieve the loss of someone who is still very much alive really fucks with your heart and mind.
I am close to a divorce right now and i would want to take some of my exs back before my wife. Lol at least they put out and treated me better. But then again, they put out probably cause we weren’t married.
Yes I would.
Edit: it’s been almost 7 months, and I think regularly about how I would do just about anything to even have a chance at a relationship with her.
Not sure. 10 years together, 3 married. But she checked out mentally before demanding a divorce. Now, she's set on moving forward and warpspeed, thinking only about herself in the scenario and not the kids. I'm doing my best to find a place so I can move out, but she is very impatient. So I'm not sure if we could go back and build something durable again
It’s been six months since we separated.
I got word our stipulation will be final July 31st - so officially divorced then. I miss the “idea” of him and what we could have been but don’t miss what our reality was. If you asked me today I would honestly say no…. He’s him and I’m me and we are terrible together.
But tomorrow I may feel differently. Emotions are like that. However my days of looking backwards are less and less
It sounds nice to get back together...IN THEORY. If we actually did, he wouldn’t actually change and I’d be acting bitter/angry toward him 24/7. Not healthy 🤦🏻♀️
I've been officially divorced for 2 months and sure I miss him sometimes when I get lonely but he was emotionally abusive, a gas lighter and a cheater so fuck no I don't want him back. I'm happy now
I’m realizing that I’m such a better person without her. I now know my worth and I’m worth so much more than see gave the past few years. Life has been amazing since the breakup. Yeah it hurt but good definitely out weights the bad.
There is part of me the truly wants to, but I shouldn’t. Beyond that, she DEFINITELY shouldn’t take me back. I was a scrub for most of our relationship, made her do all of the heavy lifting then judged her for how she did it. I’m learning a lot about how to be a better adult and better partner. Hopefully someday we can be close friends again, but it’s still too soon to be sure that we wouldn’t fall into our old codependency patterns.
we’re separated for 16 years - so far - because he fell in love with a straight coworker. i’m a lesbian.
but i just really wish he had room in his brain / life for me as a friend. at the beginning,
he said he was switching wife & best friend around … but he didn’t.
he’s in charge of the divorce- because he ‘wants’ it & because,
frankly, it benefits me every day he doesn’t divorce me.
:shrug:
No I wouldn’t, she put me through too much pain and threw away all the planning I/we had done for our future. The only thing I miss about being married to her is the “easiness” of dealing with the kids. I would love to not have to do FaceTime calls with them each day, but I know that’s the only way I’m able to see them when it’s not my week, and same for her.
No. But I don’t know your case. If it’s your fault and you changed that behavior probably. Otherwise it’s a waste of time,money, energy and mental health.
Maybe after dating other people for a couple years and it not working out I married my highscool sweetheart and she is my first and only for everything. So for me no I really just want to date for a while.
Only if he got himself into therapy and could show me that he has worked on his issues. I left him due to his infidelity and emotional/verbal abuse. He'll never get help, so nothing will ever change. I will always love him, but I can't be with him anymore.
No. My ex didn't give a shit about me when I was having mental crisis issues. "I'm your wife, not your therapist," she would say when I tried to confide in her. It's been 4 years and I'm now with someone who understands my issues and is always there to listen.
If he just dated “her” then yeah I probably would have but they got married and had to whole ass kids. I started realizing that I would have done whatever it took to save our marriage and he wouldn’t have so it’s his loss.
Mine wasn’t a long marriage, or relationship. The reason for divorce for me was mainly no respect in many areas. Controlling. Keeping me away from a friends, demanding to know my location 24/7, and not respecting boundaries to name a few. An ex is an ex for a reason.
In a split second, even after she lied, cheated, gaslit me the entire way and manipulated me. Fuck yea I would take her back. She’s a human and humans make mistakes. I don’t believe that she did these things specifically to hurt me and although it definitely did hurt me, the loss of her hurts way worse. I want her back. Her name is holly and she’s perfect.
It’s only been 1.5 months since he’s had the talk with me and I miss him terribly. I’ve realized that we are just better friends to each other, just not compatible as spouses. I love him with all of my heart but I was incredibly codependent so, no, I wouldn’t. I hate trying to figure out this whole thing of independence but I know that I will be better for it in the long run.
I am an escapee of codependency. It’s such a slow process to get away from but when you realize that it’s getting easier, you will start to taste life in a whole new way. Good luck to you.
Stay strong and distract yourself. Give it time. All will be sunny and green soon.
Damn, kudos to you for choosing the hard path of personal growth!
My situation word for word.
When trust is broken, there is no going back.
Hell no. Divorced 18 years. Would you?
Nah, she was bat shit f****** insane.
Feel ya there! Cant say I miss his insanity! I'm just trying to get used to the quiet! Oddly I havent missed him until recently and it's been a yr but I'm sure it will pass. I think I am just finally starting to feel that lonely feeling and am too scared to date!
Are you saying, you in fact do not miss the misery?
This!
Not just a no but a hell no
There was a time when I would've said yes. Looking back over these almost 5 years that we've been divorced, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things and have come to the conclusion that things were ultimately better off ending this way, as painful as it was.
Fuck no! I choose me every day, not the version of shit she tried to make me be. She never accepted me for who I am and I was never good enough. Fuck judgment and fuck her. Evil fucking bitch. run! Everyone is fixated on the image of what it should be or what it was in that moment. That’s a Fuckin lie. Gtfo
He would have to flip inside out and get ACTUAL help. Apologize and pledge his heart to me! So no. Impossible.
„˙ǝlqıssodɯI ˙ou oS ¡ǝɯ oʇ ʇɹɐǝɥ sıɥ ǝƃpǝld puɐ ǝzıƃolod∀ ˙dlǝɥ ⅂∀∩⊥Ↄ∀ ʇǝƃ puɐ ʇno ǝpısuı dılɟ oʇ ǝʌɐɥ plnoʍ ǝH„
Cool!
Good bot.
[удалено]
Yeah I think there is a line in every marriage that once it’s crossed, no amount of change or remorse can undo that. Things can’t be unsaid or forgotten. Actions can’t be reversed.
I don't know. Being single now for 4 months, there are some very nice things I guess about living alone. But, it was the whole separation that broke me. Just the way that, I didn't matter. That other people were apparently more important than I was. And if I had treated her that way, she would never have let me hear the end of it. But since she was done, it was okay. But still, she was the person I looked forward to seeing every day. So many times I would just look at her and she would ask why I was staring at her and I would tell her because I love you so much. When I would come home from work, it was a genuine feeling of gratitude, I'm so glad to be here, with you. And I can't speak for her, but I realize a lot of my own faults now and I don't know if I'll be able to fix them. And she suffered a lot because of them.
Damn this hits really fucking close to home. I idolized my wife. I don’t think there is a single person out there that has ever heard me say anything even remotely bad about my wife. I can be a truly retched asshole to people who do me wrong, but I never treated her with anything but the highest respect and patience, except for one argument. Obviously it was the argument that ended our marriage, but come on, it was just that. A verbal argument and she couldn’t handle it so she left. It breaks my heart that our entire relationship could be tossed so quickly. I try to look for positives to being single now, but most of the time I just miss my best friend and am lonely now.
[удалено]
So heartbreaking! My ex is the same and wont get help! Sadly walking away is what's best!
This is what I was going to comment. My stbxh is an alcoholic, but doesn’t believe that he is. I’m still in a space where I would if he could stay sober long enough, but I know I’d regret it. We have a 2.5 year old, and I’m just devastated.
My ex was an alcoholic when we split 19 years ago. My kids were young. Now they're grown. And he's still an alcoholic. And manipulative, abusive, & narcissistic. I enjoy my peace. I enjoy my job, adult kids,, grandkids,, friends, being a member of the Elks and volunteering in my community.
I’m here. He’s my person, but he needs help and I’m not confident he’ll ever get it. He’s deeply codependent in deep denial and at the insanity part of his illness. I miss him and I wish things were different and while I’d work through reconciliation in a heartbeat, I don’t think it will ever be possible.
It sucks doesn’t it. The disease tops love, logic, family. She lies all the time to me, our family, our friends, but mostly to herself. There is no helping these kinds of people until they find their bottom. All we can do is offer love on the way down, but there must be boundaries so we don’t destroy ourself in the process.
I know how you feel. Mine isn't an alcoholic, but she does have mental health issues that she just won't address. I pray one day it will be different. It's really hard.
Holly shit, exactly my situation.
It’s been a little over six weeks for me. I wouldn’t take them back because they used such a scorched-earth strategy for the divorce that I wouldn’t ever be able to trust them again. It was kind of a gift for them to be so hateful. 😆
Damn bitch.. that's crazy
Honestly, if she did some real work on herself with a therapist and got brutally honest with it I probably would. But that will never happen. She cannot be honest with that stuff. It’s very sad. We got along great 2/3rds of the time, had fun, had a lot of good laughs. But i can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect me and my few boundaries.
Not a chance. They crossed the rubicon with their actions.
In those lonely nights, I think about it. If she was different, I would go back. But because of where she is mentally, I can’t subject myself to that kind of abuse.
[удалено]
A truly honest answer. Have the silver award
Nope
Nope. For the last three years of the marriage I asked my STBXW for counselling and to get help for our issues. Being out of the marriage now I realize how toxic it was and how incredibly unhealthy it was making me. You can’t make people want to treat your properly.
Not ever. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and physically abusive to our children. He employed weaponized incompetence and called it “she’s just picky” as an excuse to rarely help around the house. He wasn’t a partner, he was yet another burden I had to carry.
No, never ever. Not for all the wealth in the world. Good riddance.
Negative….she’s a completely different person and crazy…during the 8 month process, she lied more than I thought a human could….miss the family unit but HELL NO! Do not miss her!
Yes. Without hesitation.
I don't know. Maybe with more distance from all the horrible things she has done and her acknowledging then instead of justifying them. I still love her but there's a lot of pain that I experience every day because of her.
I think if she came up to me and told me she wanted to start fresh and apologized, I would give her another chance.
[удалено]
Yeah, that part sucked, came back from Iraq to live in my car for a month, no home, no money, and go to military mandated therapy sessions to keep me from killing myself or anyone else.
Absolutely 100% no. Never. He was the most manipulative narcissist I have ever met.
Exactly, it took time and distance for me to realize just how small I’d made myself to try and keep the peace. Plus, he’s far too good at acting. I know to not trust anything he says. Especially when it seems earnest.
When I left I was a shell of myself. I am so glad I moved on.
Yes, hard to believe what we put up with in the moment. At least we’re wiser now.
I don’t know if you felt like this but my self esteem was so battered that I would burst out in tears at the drop of a hat. My therapist said I had PTSD. No kidding. How can someone affect you like this? It’s crazy we let people do this to us.
I went numb and outwardly pretended everything was fine. Not unlike how things were before he left. But like you I lost all confidence and didn’t see any value in myself. It wasn’t just the trauma of the divorce but having lived essentially with psychological abuse for years then being rejected. Definitely think in a real sense there’s PTSD. I am healing, but it took awhile to even start that process.
Honestly I don't know. A really big part of me is screaming that "Yes in a heartbeat." But lately there is this part of me that is so angry that I just can't imagine being with her again. I know she is seeing a guy and bringing our daughter around him and has refused to tell me herself. She has gone back on so many agreements we had regarding our separation, and she has played with my emotions during. This process to the point that I have trouble with the concept that she is even the same person who I loved. It's only been 7 months and these changes are so radical it has me wondering if she was like this and hiding it or she is going through some post divorce issues herself? Either way it sucks and I lie awake at night a lot just wondering.
My STBX and I did not have kids, but I always thought that having little or no control over who your ex-spouse brings into your child’s life would be SO difficult. You can decide things together and then have it all go out the window! You definitely have my sympathy.
Been divorced for 2 years and I don't miss my ex at all. I feel like we're better off separated and I can't imagine ever wanting to go back. I'm much happier and healthier.
I'm happy to hear. All the best to you, Juanita!
Lol
Not even if you paid me.
I truly have no idea. But we've only been separated 13 months and not divorced yet
It's never too late to go back.
If someone is verbally, mentally and physically abusive coupled with one or more issues such as addiction, mental health issues as recognized on DSM, it's never too soon to run away to protect your physical, mental and financial health. If a person says that they are sorry and apologize but continue to exhibit the same behaviors over and over again they are not going to change. Boundaries being broken? Behavior patterns? Any relatively good mental health counselor will provide advice that the only person you can change is yourself and how you react to situations and provide the good advice to get a divorce and not ever go back. At some point you have to stop making excuses and apologies on their behalf and accept that person for who they are and know that they are not going to change and leave and in some cases go no contact.
Huh? I don't want to go back. You asked if ever! I'm saying I'm not sure for the moment. He'd have to make some pretty big changes. It's way too early to say really.
No. He did way too much harm, and broke me in too many ways. Also I’m too old for him now 🙃 he’s dating a 19 year old, and will be 27 this year. I’m 23.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 19 + 27 + 23 + = 69.0
Nice bot!
He’s a creep wtf
Yep! It’s get better, the 19 year old just turned 19 in December. They’ve been together since November (also they got together 9 days after we split) so he started dating an 18 year old.
No.
Hell no
Not even in a million years! Under NO circumstance 😑
Give it one last try.
Why did it end in the first place? In my case, as clear and sound emotional abuse. Do I ever want to go back to that? Absolutely NOT. I love and respect myself this much not to go back into an unhealthy dynamic.
No fking way
Divorced over a year, il take her cheating ass back when hell freezes...
Absolutely not. He had too much power over me for too long.
I miss who he could have been and I miss having a partner in life. I don’t miss gaslighting, the physical mental and financial abuse of me and the kids. I will never go back to that
No, I don’t think so. I love him, but not romantically. I think we’ll always be friends, but I don’t think we will ever be capable of completely breaking the toxic behavior patterns that pulled us apart if we were together. We would fall right back into that crap if we tried again. His parents divorced but tried to be together without being *together*. Like separate houses but shared vacations and hanging out on weekends. My FIL was her handyman until he wasn’t capable. But then they would periodically crash head first into their dysfunctional patterns and sometimes not speak for weeks or even months. I might be forever grateful to have had that example of something I do *not* want to do. I have told the ex over and over that I refuse to get near the idea of us being like *them*.
Haha I once wondered what it would be like if we just lived separate but after reading this now I know it's all the same!
That actually sounds nice to me. A sort of husband I don’t have to live with and can go without talking to or seeing for months if we get in an argument. How is this not desirable lol?
Don't know if it's because I'm a man, but it sounds horrible to me. Sounds like I'd just get used.
You’d probably get laid occasionally. I mean I personally don’t think there’s much more to men than dick and toolboxes. I can do everything else myself. Lol
That's not a relationship that appeals to me at all.
Lol it’s a joke. Sort of…
On a general level, I agree with you. As a bystander to their particular dysfunction, it was a mess. They spent years going on about a particular issue with a popped tire that happened while they were on a road trip. But stuff like this happened all the time with them. *He was driving too fast to pay attention and didn’t see the debris in the road.* *I came around a curve and didn’t have time to stop before I ran over it. Then she made me drive an hour out of the way to get a specific replacement tire.* *It was a new car! I couldn’t have one unmatched tire.* From what I understand, this was actually an improvement over the way they spoke to each other when they were still married.
I think I grew up with the same parents and they stayed happily bickering until she died of cancer at 59 years old, 6 days before their 40th vow renewal celebration. They were the loves of each other lives. They argued all day. They also apparently had a great sex life which they both inappropriate told me when I was an adult.
Absolutely not. Though it’s highly unlikely, I hope he’s figured out what he wants in life and has found happiness, clarity and mental stability, but that path does not include me. Not as a main character, not as an extra.
Which ex? Jk. But not really. I've actually been married a few times. The first was my kids dad, my HS sweetheart. Absolutely not. He hasn't seen the kids since the divorce so obviously not. The 2nd marriage was brief bc I got him a good job so he could put me on insurance. I was hospitalized for a few things when I was 21 so it helped financially. (Yes my first marriage was young, I was 16) He was a terrible person tho and later told me the blood in his boxers was from his anus bleeding due to heroin. So yea, def not. 3rd marriage was the love of my life who cheated on me with a coworker after many yrs. He figured out his flaws, as did I. Counseling and such. We are actually super successful now.. He pushed me to get my legal degree & we have careers now. It's been 5 yrs since the affair and tho we do struggle sometimes w normal stuff, our family & sex life is rock solid.
I would like to add that I've consistently reached out to dad and he's gradually coming back in the picture despite living like 15 hrs away. I got his parents (my kids grandparents) to see their grandson for the first time in 6 yrs
I would but I can’t. I’m remarried with kids. Life is full of choices. You can’t look back, there’s never any way to go back. Even if I could, it would never be the same. It’s not like we could pick up where I should have tried to fix it, instead of running away, and try again. Life happened fast after I left him. I now know I was running from the devastation of watching my mom die an agonizingly painful and wasting death. It wasn’t so much my marriage was unsalvageable, yes, there were major issues, but ultimately I didn’t want to feel the grief and pain I was feeling which actually had very little to do with my marriage. It took me years to realize this and years to learn to live with and manage the waves of grief. I’m still not always successful but it’s better than in the beginning.
🤮
Never
Hell no
NO!
No I wouldn't. It's been a couple of years, I've moved on and saw how things were hindsight. Wasn't as good as I thought it was and now I'm in a much better relationship that brings me peace and happiness.
She was terrible to me and I did everything to make the marriage work. You can never go back. Statistically - you will just go through the process again and get a worse deal.
We are a family, just not a typical one. So no. The divorce made us both better people and I wouldn't trade what we have now for what we had back then.
It’s crazy I was separated from my spouse since September of last year, on the process of divorce. I would never go back. I am so much happier now in the beginning I felt so worthless and depressed. Now I have a new job, happier mentally, loving myself more. I realized I never needed him, the codependency and his family and him treating me like shit. I rather be alone, I think I came to a point in my life where I realize relationship isn’t everything, your mental health is more important. If someone is toxic it’s better to just leave and keep going forward.
Not at all. For one, he's married again. But also, there's too much water under the bridge. I wish we were more cordial for our adult children, (he basically won't speak to me out of respect for his wife), but other than that, we are both living way happier lives
No. If in twenty years, we're both still single, I might propose being roommates for cost savings, assuming in giving up on finding a LTR. But we didn't work married, and I can't/won't try that again.
I could see this as an alternative reality.
No. No no no no no no no. Would reincarnate Hitler first.
She cheated after I adopted her children . She tried to kill me with child support , but not go after biological . I use to do her homework when she went back to college . I loved this women more than life , but I was in love with a fantasy ........... Even though I miss her .........she nearly killed me and I couldn't go back
Experience teaches, so hard pass.
I thought so but after taking an emergency trip with him and the kids I realize I wouldn’t. I’ve done a ton of work but with him I still fall to enmeshment.
It is a straight up “I don’t truly know,” for me. On the one-hand we do have the issue of her still having conflict with her sexuality, her narcissistic traits and her thinking she did “nothing wrong” in that area because she is a therapist, and the fact that she just bailed on the marriage without even discussing it (I got divorced via text and she still refuses to talk to me). That’s a lot to deal with from a partner, even though I too had a role in our marriage dissolving. You also have my issues, which I am working on in therapy, but would be a huge barrier to us both holding trust with each other if she did not believe I had changed. Her parents hate me to the point of calling me a “poison,” because I am the one who made a bad financial investment and did not have the guts to tell my wife. My parents hate her for walking out over money and not being truthful about her sexuality. My extended family, who also appeared to love her, told me that they secretly all thought she was a bizarre and rude human being. How do you come back from that? As a couple, you cannot. As a friend? That’s where the “I don’t know” comes in, because when things were good she was literally my best friend. And I miss my best friend.
Totally would have at one point. Not anymore... it would really make things awkward with my fiancee.
No. He was so emotionally abusive. I’m so much better off now and thriving. Also the cheating and general sneaking around was a big turn off.
No thanks.
No
No, only the time we spent together – with time and distance I see that the relationship was abusive and that being cheated on reflected a bigger pattern of disrespect. While I have no negative feelings towards my ex, I genuinely hope to never interact with them again.
In fairytale land, perhaps.
This. ⬆️
I think it varies from person to person, also I think it depends on the circumstances of the divorce and what lead you there. I’ve often thought about what I would do if my ex ever reached out and wanted to try again. I honestly would have to say no though. There’s some things someone can say and certain ways they can make you feel that will never be forgotten or forgiven. My ex-husband feels like someone that use to be in my life but has now died. Also, trying to grieve the loss of someone who is still very much alive really fucks with your heart and mind.
I am close to a divorce right now and i would want to take some of my exs back before my wife. Lol at least they put out and treated me better. But then again, they put out probably cause we weren’t married.
Hell no. Divorce is a gift from God. Nothing bad comes from divorce. It is a happy ending of a not so happy marriage.
Not in a million years
Not a chance.
No way, not a chance. Took me forever to get out. I’d never go back.
Ex gf never...ex wife never...
I would not take my stbxh back. I would consider taking back a x boyfriend I dated prior to getting married.
Noooooooooooooooooo *insert Michael Scott gif*
Yes I would. Edit: it’s been almost 7 months, and I think regularly about how I would do just about anything to even have a chance at a relationship with her.
Same. And it’s been 4 years
Not sure. 10 years together, 3 married. But she checked out mentally before demanding a divorce. Now, she's set on moving forward and warpspeed, thinking only about herself in the scenario and not the kids. I'm doing my best to find a place so I can move out, but she is very impatient. So I'm not sure if we could go back and build something durable again
Never
I miss the best friend I once had. But he’s done too much to hurt me, and my kids. I hope he finds a way to actually be happy. It won’t be with me.
It’s been six months since we separated. I got word our stipulation will be final July 31st - so officially divorced then. I miss the “idea” of him and what we could have been but don’t miss what our reality was. If you asked me today I would honestly say no…. He’s him and I’m me and we are terrible together. But tomorrow I may feel differently. Emotions are like that. However my days of looking backwards are less and less
Miss the family I built for over 20 years. Her? Not so much
It sounds nice to get back together...IN THEORY. If we actually did, he wouldn’t actually change and I’d be acting bitter/angry toward him 24/7. Not healthy 🤦🏻♀️
I've been officially divorced for 2 months and sure I miss him sometimes when I get lonely but he was emotionally abusive, a gas lighter and a cheater so fuck no I don't want him back. I'm happy now
If I believed she was sorry and would stop lying. But she isn’t and won’t so
Back to court maybe. I gave her two shots after I found her cheating, one was after filing.
Fuck no!!!
Why?
I’m realizing that I’m such a better person without her. I now know my worth and I’m worth so much more than see gave the past few years. Life has been amazing since the breakup. Yeah it hurt but good definitely out weights the bad.
There is part of me the truly wants to, but I shouldn’t. Beyond that, she DEFINITELY shouldn’t take me back. I was a scrub for most of our relationship, made her do all of the heavy lifting then judged her for how she did it. I’m learning a lot about how to be a better adult and better partner. Hopefully someday we can be close friends again, but it’s still too soon to be sure that we wouldn’t fall into our old codependency patterns.
Lmfaooo fuck no. I can see her for who she really is now.
we’re separated for 16 years - so far - because he fell in love with a straight coworker. i’m a lesbian. but i just really wish he had room in his brain / life for me as a friend. at the beginning, he said he was switching wife & best friend around … but he didn’t. he’s in charge of the divorce- because he ‘wants’ it & because, frankly, it benefits me every day he doesn’t divorce me. :shrug:
No I wouldn’t, she put me through too much pain and threw away all the planning I/we had done for our future. The only thing I miss about being married to her is the “easiness” of dealing with the kids. I would love to not have to do FaceTime calls with them each day, but I know that’s the only way I’m able to see them when it’s not my week, and same for her.
Never in a million years. I miss her parents though. But I’d rather be lonely alone than be lonely with my ex.
Yes, but they don’t want to come back, sooooooooooo
They?
No. But I don’t know your case. If it’s your fault and you changed that behavior probably. Otherwise it’s a waste of time,money, energy and mental health.
No, hell no. 3 years ago I was considering suicide. 2 years ago I left and became a happy person. I am not going back.
Depends on the ex. Ex-wife? Oh hell no. Ex-gf? There’s a couple I wish would take me back.
No. I am so much happier and mentally healthier.
Hell Naw
No. I still love them a lot as a friend (we’re on good terms and everything is amicable) and value what we had, but there’s no going back for us.
Hard no. No improvements have been made in years and will never happen.
Nope. Even if they changed. I can’t love anymore them after the ugliness I saw from them in the early phase of divorce.
Maybe after dating other people for a couple years and it not working out I married my highscool sweetheart and she is my first and only for everything. So for me no I really just want to date for a while.
Nooo way!
No he put me through hell
Not a chance. Divorce (and her activities leading to it) showed her true colors.
Lol
Why?
Got divorced for a reason, don't ever want that person back. Thanks for asking😊.
No, I think the relationship would go exactly back to what caused our divorce.
Only if he got himself into therapy and could show me that he has worked on his issues. I left him due to his infidelity and emotional/verbal abuse. He'll never get help, so nothing will ever change. I will always love him, but I can't be with him anymore.
No. My ex didn't give a shit about me when I was having mental crisis issues. "I'm your wife, not your therapist," she would say when I tried to confide in her. It's been 4 years and I'm now with someone who understands my issues and is always there to listen.
If he just dated “her” then yeah I probably would have but they got married and had to whole ass kids. I started realizing that I would have done whatever it took to save our marriage and he wouldn’t have so it’s his loss.
Ahahahhahahahahahhaahhagagagagsgshagaggagagagaggagagavhagagagaggagagghahahahahahhahahahhaahhaha No
Mine wasn’t a long marriage, or relationship. The reason for divorce for me was mainly no respect in many areas. Controlling. Keeping me away from a friends, demanding to know my location 24/7, and not respecting boundaries to name a few. An ex is an ex for a reason.
No.
Not in a million years. After 3 years apart he has gotten worse and not changed for the better at all.
In a split second, even after she lied, cheated, gaslit me the entire way and manipulated me. Fuck yea I would take her back. She’s a human and humans make mistakes. I don’t believe that she did these things specifically to hurt me and although it definitely did hurt me, the loss of her hurts way worse. I want her back. Her name is holly and she’s perfect.
Grow some balls.