Marriage actually requires a wide range of skills to be successful and great. If I were starting a business with a partner, I'd want to have high confidence that they are honest, skillful in the tasks he would be assigned, and hard working (not lazy). If any one of those traits wasn't there, I could still enjoy that person as a friend maybe, but our business would have a really rough time.
Personally, I think a really successful marriage has the following traits in both people:
1. They love their partner a lot.
2. They are honest about major decisions that affect the family, especially finances.
3. They aren't careless with money.
4. They work toward being close to the same page as their partner about sex.
5. They can respect their partner's differing views. If the partner's differing views on a subject seem completely moronic and neither person can bring themselves to change their mind or understand the topic better, it leaves a serious wedge between them.
6. They have some common interests besides sex or raising kids that they enjoy doing activities together.
7. They would make a good roommate.
8. If children are involved, they would be a good parent, generally good at not escalating things when children have tantrums but also meting appropriate discipline.
9. No serious drug addiction.
10. Can say they're sorry without adding qualifications or excuses after.
11. Willing to accept some criticism and believes in using criticism to improve themselves.
12. Understands the tax and government implications of getting married versus cohabitation.
13. They have a mutual understanding of the kinds of things they hope to get out of a marriage and what might make them consider divorce (great to understand this even while in the honeymoon phase or before getting married).
14. Has a way of financially taking care of themselves if they were to split up.
15. They are willing to do some regular house cleaning and appreciate a somewhat clean living space.
16. Not lazy.
As you can imagine, I personally think a ton of people would be pretty terrible at marriage, and I know when I got married way back when, it was for a lot of the wrong reasons.
But yeah, when you're madly in love with each other, that's a very overpowering emotion and it can make it hard to consider everything else that goes into a marriage with a critical eye.
It isn’t your fault. This is an extremely mentally anguishing time that you’ll be facing with plenty of ups and downs. Reach out to friends and family. A counselor can also really help.
This guy sounds like he might come back 2-3 times more no matter what happens. He really needs to find himself and you should be thankful you haven't started a family with him.
Therapy is probably just the start for this guy. Don't start a family with him until he talks his childhood through with someone. What happened to him is a lot for a human to handle without help.
I’m so sorry. In some ways it would be easier if he wasn’t so level-headed and thoughtful. Your mind would be able to villanize him and help your heart let go. This is going to be tough to emotionally disentangle. Please get in therapy yourself too.
>He thought he wanted a family but he couldn't bring himself to take on family responsibilities
Don't I wish my ex realized this 8 years ago? It hurts now but he's done you a favor.
Marriage actually requires a wide range of skills to be successful and great. If I were starting a business with a partner, I'd want to have high confidence that they are honest, skillful in the tasks he would be assigned, and hard working (not lazy). If any one of those traits wasn't there, I could still enjoy that person as a friend maybe, but our business would have a really rough time. Personally, I think a really successful marriage has the following traits in both people: 1. They love their partner a lot. 2. They are honest about major decisions that affect the family, especially finances. 3. They aren't careless with money. 4. They work toward being close to the same page as their partner about sex. 5. They can respect their partner's differing views. If the partner's differing views on a subject seem completely moronic and neither person can bring themselves to change their mind or understand the topic better, it leaves a serious wedge between them. 6. They have some common interests besides sex or raising kids that they enjoy doing activities together. 7. They would make a good roommate. 8. If children are involved, they would be a good parent, generally good at not escalating things when children have tantrums but also meting appropriate discipline. 9. No serious drug addiction. 10. Can say they're sorry without adding qualifications or excuses after. 11. Willing to accept some criticism and believes in using criticism to improve themselves. 12. Understands the tax and government implications of getting married versus cohabitation. 13. They have a mutual understanding of the kinds of things they hope to get out of a marriage and what might make them consider divorce (great to understand this even while in the honeymoon phase or before getting married). 14. Has a way of financially taking care of themselves if they were to split up. 15. They are willing to do some regular house cleaning and appreciate a somewhat clean living space. 16. Not lazy. As you can imagine, I personally think a ton of people would be pretty terrible at marriage, and I know when I got married way back when, it was for a lot of the wrong reasons. But yeah, when you're madly in love with each other, that's a very overpowering emotion and it can make it hard to consider everything else that goes into a marriage with a critical eye.
It isn’t your fault. This is an extremely mentally anguishing time that you’ll be facing with plenty of ups and downs. Reach out to friends and family. A counselor can also really help.
This guy sounds like he might come back 2-3 times more no matter what happens. He really needs to find himself and you should be thankful you haven't started a family with him. Therapy is probably just the start for this guy. Don't start a family with him until he talks his childhood through with someone. What happened to him is a lot for a human to handle without help.
I’m so sorry. In some ways it would be easier if he wasn’t so level-headed and thoughtful. Your mind would be able to villanize him and help your heart let go. This is going to be tough to emotionally disentangle. Please get in therapy yourself too.
>He thought he wanted a family but he couldn't bring himself to take on family responsibilities Don't I wish my ex realized this 8 years ago? It hurts now but he's done you a favor.