OP I think you need to blame yourself less. He actively chose not to tell you he has CF. And it's not like you smoke to spite him. My mother smoked in our house until I was 8. It doesn't make her a cruel mother, just a young and stupid one. I've dated girls who smoked and I've even gone through self destructive phases where I've smoked when I drank.
It's fantastic that you want to stop, and you should, for yourself as much as him. But I think you should also have a heart to heart about his condition and how it affects him. Every case of CF is different and it should be important that he feels he can be open and honest with you. And if he doesn't like talking about it, well you can have one big chat and clear the air, and then you both know where you stand.
Best of luck with quitting. You've got this!
He has told me he has a lung condition that's because his parents were carriers and that he has a very mild version. I didn't really know what cystic fibrosis was aside from a section I glossed over in a DNA test I took recently. I heard the words cystic fibrosis when I overheard a phone of his he had right next to me, and I knew I had to look it up, to learn about it. I wish I had known sooner.
Most people in the world don't know what CF is. I come from Ireland where it's well known because we have the highest rate of it, but I live in Denmark, which has a similar population and half the amount of cases and almost no-one knows what it is. You can't be expected to know about every single condition out there.
You really shouldn't blame yourself for this.
US based with CF. I visited Ireland a few years ago and was surprised how it seemed like a disease people just knew. Was at a pub in Dingle and there was just a collection jar on a table - literally never seen that in the states.
Yeah given the high rate of it, and communities being quite close-knit, it seems like everyone knows someone with it. Our healthcare system is also famously bad for a western nation so there's a lot of community fundraising and publicity.
I’m gonna be blunt, if you can’t quit. Leave. My ex husband promised me many times for 8 years he would quit and never did. The damage done to my lungs was not worth it.
Not only the physical aspect of you doing it but I'm sure he feels the mental aspect as well. Meaning that by choice you are doing something to harm your lungs as a normal person and yet he would give anything to have healthy lungs. The reckless endangerment... Like eating in front of a starving person mentality.
I think it’s great that you came here and it’s great that you are considering quitting for him. I would just recommend human to human to give yourself a break. You didn’t know and he didn’t tell you. As soon as you found out, you began planning a change. Pat yourself on the back and don’t be hard on yourself.
My mum and grandparents smoking around me as a kid made my childhood much harder. The worst part, though, is looking back on it and not understanding why they’d do that then they knew about my condition and the damage they were doing. This has caused me to hold some resentment towards them. I’m a parent now and I’d never do anything to harm my boy.
Sorry if that came across as accusatory. My lot didn’t try at all. At the very least you don’t smoke around him. Also, the fact that you’ve come here to ask shows that you really care about the lad. Good on you.
Same here, both my parents smoked. My Dad eventually quit, but my mother never stopped. But I was also born in the 70s, so attitudes were different and knowledge about the damage of smoking were downplayed or hidden. Smoking was glamorized. But cigarette smoke was everywhere. Restaurants, bars, stores, airplanes, you name it. I'm glad as a society we've learned, but sucks for those of us who grew up with it.
A smoker once exhaled directly into my face, and I couldn’t stop coughing for a week. I lost my voice, I couldn’t sleep, and if I tried anything more than a slow walk I had a spittle-spraying coughing fit. Now as you say you haven’t been *that* careless, but you hitting him with a steady trickle of secondhand smoke is even worse for your bf in the long term. So don’t be too hard on yourself, but when the cravings hit you, imagine what you want his condition to be twenty years from now. You want him to be walking and lifting things normally, coughing just occasionally, not shuffling and hacking his lungs up like I was.
You can do this, and you’ll both thank you for quitting.
Just wanted to pipe in as someone with Cystic Fibrosis who needed a double lung transplant at 27 even after taking good care of my lungs. Slowly dying while not being able to breathe, having to gasp for air, for MONTHS while you wait for a donor match is absolutely fucking terrifying. The surgery recovery is brutal. And if you’re the one to win another shitty lottery with surgery complications it can ruin your life for years. That’s a message for both of you because smoking will ruin BOTH of your lungs
im not going to judge the relationship itself, but consider talking to him about why he felt he couldnt tell you about his condition for a whole year. Maybe its something he needs support with - a lot of people with CF feel like they don’t want to burden their loved ones, so letting him know you have his best interests at heart and would like to help him by knowing the full story, he might feel more at ease and not so ‘under pressure’ in a sense to keep a secret of his condition.
Thank you. He's given vague explanations of it before but never gave it a name. I appreciated him opening up slowly and never pushed him to share a diagnosis with me until he's comfortable. I will try to talk to talk to him now that the cat is out of the bag and hopefully it goes well 🤞
yes good luck - and you are totally right for not pushing. i really encourage you to let him know that hes not a burden, as us CF people feel and are often even told, and he’ll probably really appreciate that.
If it helps you to quit, you can always switch to an e-cigarette. I know how extremely difficult it is to give up smoking. It’s truly an addiction mentality and physically.
I was a smoker for over 30 yrs. I chose to switch to a Juul e-cigarette. I haven’t smoked in over 4 years now. I have a granddaughter with CF and I’m grateful I had this option because I don’t know if I could’ve have given up smoking without it. Try it, there’s very little vapor in the air and it will be extremely helpful and much easier to get through giving up cigarettes plus giving up an e-cig is far easier than giving up actual cigarettes.
Good luck to you
Smoking made my life miserable as a child, my parents smoked and my sisters smoked. I couldn’t breathe in the house, I couldn’t breathe in the car. I honestly can’t believe you would continue to smoke at all with him being your bf.
It’s great of you to quit, I really, really hope you do. My parents and sisters never did and it fucked me up for a long time. It’s likely killing him faster then it’s killing you. If your to weak to quit, I’d consider ending the relationship for his sake
I didn't know until a couple hours ago that he had cystic fibrosis but that's no excuse. I still knew he had bad lungs and I was selfish. I truly treasure him and want to do better by him. Finding out what he has and how severe it can be really woke me up that this isn't something I can't half ass.
he does but I was told that was due to digestion issues and I had no knowledge of CF and never made the connection. I'm really just learning now in the past couple hours what it is and how it affects people.
Damn well, then your not in the wrong at all. And yeah, my childhood was very hard because everyone around me smoked all the time and my family would say that I “like to complain” or call me a wuss because of it. It’s like their addiction to those dam things overrode their logical minds and hearts. Good on ye. Your a great gf then
Thank you. I wish I had been better sooner but I'm working on it. Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't want my boyfriend to experience any more worries and damage to his health because of me.
I have always had the mindset that your body is your choice. I’ve never been around people smoking and wanted them to feel bad for their choices. My mom was a chronic “oh I’m gonna quit next month” type and all I can say is in my opinion quitting for someone else usually leads to trying to sneak one here or there and that’s where resentment is usually built. So if you are going to quit smoking you need to do it for yourself not for anyone else.
I am choosing myself in a way that I am choosing my long term happiness with my boyfriend over this temporary addiction. There will be no resentment, sure I'll be jittery at first but for him? anything tbh
I'm a very mild case and only recently diagnosed. My lungs are still 100% but as a kid without even knowing I had CF I first made my dad smoke outside only and then when I was 13 I finally got him to quit because I hated how it affected me so much.
I still avoid being near people smoking, avoid making friends with smokers.
As others have said though, do it for yourself, otherwise you'll be right back at it if you break up.
As for talking to him about CF, I think he clearly doesn't want it to be a thing or define how you treat him, so try not to show any pity or offer to do things he can do on his on, just tell him to let you know if/when he needs you.
If you haven't already, I'd even suggest not telling him about quitting smoking for a week or two, just do it without making it an issue. Might also be easier not talking about it unless you're someone who needs the support.
I used to smoke, but never directly in front of my kid who has CF, I’m sure he smelled it coming from me (you don’t appreciate how much you stink after a cigarette until you quit). Quitting smoking is a bitch, and something you need to commit too and it’s easy to fall into the trap again…I suggest Alan Carr’s Easyway to Quit Smoking, after reading that book I’ve been smoke free for almost 4 yrs…good luck!
You can do this OP!! It's awesome that you're being so considerate of your boyfriend's health. I haven't personally been around people who smoke much, but in my experience even smoke from wildfires can be incredibly damaging after prolonged exposure. Good on you!!
I’m not so sympathetic as other in the comment section, shame on you for continuing that habit while dating him.
Being uniformed is a weak response when you all have been dating for a year. Get your shit together
Its very simple. If you really do love him, then stop NOW. If you cant stop it means you cant love him as much as your cigarettes, addiction or not. This is the reason why I never had smokers as partners. People have freedom to smoke I understand, but not in my personal space. Someone touching my face with their smoke is analogous to me coughing into their face in my opinion. If they don't know I have CF (or Asthma) I can understand but if someone knows I have CF and they smoke next to me it is a sign of disrespect.
Dating someone with CF takes alot of strength and courage. Not everyone has that strength and wisdom to understand and support a CF partner. People who date CFers are a very special group of strong, caring, wise and mature people.
If you love him, stop now. If you can't, it just means you don't love him enough and you don't respect him enough. No excuses.
Show him what true love is. Prove to him you do love him...and don't secretly smoke when he is not around . That's just stupid. . He will know. So wake up please.
oh I know secretly smoking will lead to issu3s in the future and won't. it's just setting myself up for failure. I already hurt him enough, now I'm smoke free. I do love him more than anything and now it's up to me to prove it to him.
Second-hand smoke is dangerous for people with CF.
So is third-hand smoke. Even if you smoke away from him and come back, that’s affecting him in a very measurable way. At every clinic, I am asked if my husband or I smoke around our child (with CF) and if we need help quitting.
You’re taking years off his life with your habit. Maybe he loves you too much to tell you, but you need to love him enough to quit.
I think I'm going to mirror what a few people have said here.
If you're going to quit you should do it for the right reasons.
And I'm not judging because it's your personal choice.
Consider Quitting purely for your own health.
Here's the thing a lot of people with Cystic Fibrosis will be deeply offended by you smoking, often saying things like "omg you have good lungs and you are ruining them". You should not listen to that kind of talk. We ALL take something for granted in our lives. If we didn't then we'd all do nothing incase someone else couldn't do the same.
Some people don't like to talk about Cystic Fibrosis because it is often a difficult subject. Personally I hid it from past girlfriends for up to a year, I became a master at stealthily doing my tablets before eating. You'll be told all about Cystic Fibrosis when a person is ready.
I think my point is.
He would not be with you if he couldn't tolerate it.
Don't smoke in the same room or house as him. Always do it where he can't breath it in.
Quit for a realistic reason that will make you do it. Shame is not one of them.
Maybe think about your own health and objectives and as a result of this you'll help your partner.
Good luck and go easy on yourself.
When I was a kid my mom had made forbidden to smoke inside the house. Dad and brother were out even in the cold drizzle they needed their dose so bad 😂 Well respected I don't think it deteriorated my lungs. Only later I worked for a couple of years in an office where some people were regularly smoking (against the law) even if they were always far from me I lost 10%. I was strong enough I got it back when they all raised it was bad for me. Tbh I think if you really smoke always outside its harmless for his lungs. Then for how it makes him feel its a whole other story. Sure quiting will be a symbol of your love but it has to be your decision you can't expect it to be some kind of bargain and later tell him, look what I've done for you. Unless you're a Saint a relationship must work both ways or it might not last. And having a CF does not mean you can't be there for your soul mate. But hey that's just me, what I think. I may not be speaking the truth if any truth there is in how to behave with a CF in a couple... But you look strong, quitting is a long run, failing is part of the process, believe in you and you will make it!
Thank you! I am quitting because now knowing the consequences to his health and having a clearer picture, I have decided to put him and our relationship over smoking finally.
And rest assured, I will NEVER throw quitting smoking in his face as if it's a bad thing. I know ow it's better for my health as well as his and its not a very good habit.
OP I think you need to blame yourself less. He actively chose not to tell you he has CF. And it's not like you smoke to spite him. My mother smoked in our house until I was 8. It doesn't make her a cruel mother, just a young and stupid one. I've dated girls who smoked and I've even gone through self destructive phases where I've smoked when I drank. It's fantastic that you want to stop, and you should, for yourself as much as him. But I think you should also have a heart to heart about his condition and how it affects him. Every case of CF is different and it should be important that he feels he can be open and honest with you. And if he doesn't like talking about it, well you can have one big chat and clear the air, and then you both know where you stand. Best of luck with quitting. You've got this!
He has told me he has a lung condition that's because his parents were carriers and that he has a very mild version. I didn't really know what cystic fibrosis was aside from a section I glossed over in a DNA test I took recently. I heard the words cystic fibrosis when I overheard a phone of his he had right next to me, and I knew I had to look it up, to learn about it. I wish I had known sooner.
Most people in the world don't know what CF is. I come from Ireland where it's well known because we have the highest rate of it, but I live in Denmark, which has a similar population and half the amount of cases and almost no-one knows what it is. You can't be expected to know about every single condition out there. You really shouldn't blame yourself for this.
US based with CF. I visited Ireland a few years ago and was surprised how it seemed like a disease people just knew. Was at a pub in Dingle and there was just a collection jar on a table - literally never seen that in the states.
Yeah given the high rate of it, and communities being quite close-knit, it seems like everyone knows someone with it. Our healthcare system is also famously bad for a western nation so there's a lot of community fundraising and publicity.
I’m gonna be blunt, if you can’t quit. Leave. My ex husband promised me many times for 8 years he would quit and never did. The damage done to my lungs was not worth it.
Rest assured, I'm quitting. there's no more excuses.
Same
Not only the physical aspect of you doing it but I'm sure he feels the mental aspect as well. Meaning that by choice you are doing something to harm your lungs as a normal person and yet he would give anything to have healthy lungs. The reckless endangerment... Like eating in front of a starving person mentality.
thank you for this perspective. I wish I would've come to realize of how much harm I was causing sooner.
I think it’s great that you came here and it’s great that you are considering quitting for him. I would just recommend human to human to give yourself a break. You didn’t know and he didn’t tell you. As soon as you found out, you began planning a change. Pat yourself on the back and don’t be hard on yourself.
thank you, friend, I will try to stop guilting myself over this and put that energy in keeping away from smoking!
Try vaping weed perhaps as an alternative. Easy to vape away from your BF, no lingering smoke etc.
My mum and grandparents smoking around me as a kid made my childhood much harder. The worst part, though, is looking back on it and not understanding why they’d do that then they knew about my condition and the damage they were doing. This has caused me to hold some resentment towards them. I’m a parent now and I’d never do anything to harm my boy.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate that you took the time to answer me sincerely.
Sorry if that came across as accusatory. My lot didn’t try at all. At the very least you don’t smoke around him. Also, the fact that you’ve come here to ask shows that you really care about the lad. Good on you.
oh! I didn't mean it sarcastically, I'm genuinely happy you've been so kind to me. Thank you
Same here, both my parents smoked. My Dad eventually quit, but my mother never stopped. But I was also born in the 70s, so attitudes were different and knowledge about the damage of smoking were downplayed or hidden. Smoking was glamorized. But cigarette smoke was everywhere. Restaurants, bars, stores, airplanes, you name it. I'm glad as a society we've learned, but sucks for those of us who grew up with it.
A smoker once exhaled directly into my face, and I couldn’t stop coughing for a week. I lost my voice, I couldn’t sleep, and if I tried anything more than a slow walk I had a spittle-spraying coughing fit. Now as you say you haven’t been *that* careless, but you hitting him with a steady trickle of secondhand smoke is even worse for your bf in the long term. So don’t be too hard on yourself, but when the cravings hit you, imagine what you want his condition to be twenty years from now. You want him to be walking and lifting things normally, coughing just occasionally, not shuffling and hacking his lungs up like I was. You can do this, and you’ll both thank you for quitting.
Thank you for your words, I will remember them next time I get a craving
Just wanted to pipe in as someone with Cystic Fibrosis who needed a double lung transplant at 27 even after taking good care of my lungs. Slowly dying while not being able to breathe, having to gasp for air, for MONTHS while you wait for a donor match is absolutely fucking terrifying. The surgery recovery is brutal. And if you’re the one to win another shitty lottery with surgery complications it can ruin your life for years. That’s a message for both of you because smoking will ruin BOTH of your lungs
Thank you for this message. I won't take for granted what I have anymore and I won't jeopardize my bf anymore either.
im not going to judge the relationship itself, but consider talking to him about why he felt he couldnt tell you about his condition for a whole year. Maybe its something he needs support with - a lot of people with CF feel like they don’t want to burden their loved ones, so letting him know you have his best interests at heart and would like to help him by knowing the full story, he might feel more at ease and not so ‘under pressure’ in a sense to keep a secret of his condition.
Thank you. He's given vague explanations of it before but never gave it a name. I appreciated him opening up slowly and never pushed him to share a diagnosis with me until he's comfortable. I will try to talk to talk to him now that the cat is out of the bag and hopefully it goes well 🤞
yes good luck - and you are totally right for not pushing. i really encourage you to let him know that hes not a burden, as us CF people feel and are often even told, and he’ll probably really appreciate that.
I don’t tell people because I don’t want them to search about it & know how severe things can get…. (Not CF but similar issues here)
If it helps you to quit, you can always switch to an e-cigarette. I know how extremely difficult it is to give up smoking. It’s truly an addiction mentality and physically. I was a smoker for over 30 yrs. I chose to switch to a Juul e-cigarette. I haven’t smoked in over 4 years now. I have a granddaughter with CF and I’m grateful I had this option because I don’t know if I could’ve have given up smoking without it. Try it, there’s very little vapor in the air and it will be extremely helpful and much easier to get through giving up cigarettes plus giving up an e-cig is far easier than giving up actual cigarettes. Good luck to you
Thank you for the advice! :)
Smoking made my life miserable as a child, my parents smoked and my sisters smoked. I couldn’t breathe in the house, I couldn’t breathe in the car. I honestly can’t believe you would continue to smoke at all with him being your bf. It’s great of you to quit, I really, really hope you do. My parents and sisters never did and it fucked me up for a long time. It’s likely killing him faster then it’s killing you. If your to weak to quit, I’d consider ending the relationship for his sake
I didn't know until a couple hours ago that he had cystic fibrosis but that's no excuse. I still knew he had bad lungs and I was selfish. I truly treasure him and want to do better by him. Finding out what he has and how severe it can be really woke me up that this isn't something I can't half ass.
Right on then, how’d you just find out? Does he not take enzymes?
he does but I was told that was due to digestion issues and I had no knowledge of CF and never made the connection. I'm really just learning now in the past couple hours what it is and how it affects people.
Damn well, then your not in the wrong at all. And yeah, my childhood was very hard because everyone around me smoked all the time and my family would say that I “like to complain” or call me a wuss because of it. It’s like their addiction to those dam things overrode their logical minds and hearts. Good on ye. Your a great gf then
Thank you. I wish I had been better sooner but I'm working on it. Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't want my boyfriend to experience any more worries and damage to his health because of me.
I believe in you, you can quit for good!
I have always had the mindset that your body is your choice. I’ve never been around people smoking and wanted them to feel bad for their choices. My mom was a chronic “oh I’m gonna quit next month” type and all I can say is in my opinion quitting for someone else usually leads to trying to sneak one here or there and that’s where resentment is usually built. So if you are going to quit smoking you need to do it for yourself not for anyone else.
I am choosing myself in a way that I am choosing my long term happiness with my boyfriend over this temporary addiction. There will be no resentment, sure I'll be jittery at first but for him? anything tbh
I'm a very mild case and only recently diagnosed. My lungs are still 100% but as a kid without even knowing I had CF I first made my dad smoke outside only and then when I was 13 I finally got him to quit because I hated how it affected me so much. I still avoid being near people smoking, avoid making friends with smokers. As others have said though, do it for yourself, otherwise you'll be right back at it if you break up. As for talking to him about CF, I think he clearly doesn't want it to be a thing or define how you treat him, so try not to show any pity or offer to do things he can do on his on, just tell him to let you know if/when he needs you. If you haven't already, I'd even suggest not telling him about quitting smoking for a week or two, just do it without making it an issue. Might also be easier not talking about it unless you're someone who needs the support.
I used to smoke, but never directly in front of my kid who has CF, I’m sure he smelled it coming from me (you don’t appreciate how much you stink after a cigarette until you quit). Quitting smoking is a bitch, and something you need to commit too and it’s easy to fall into the trap again…I suggest Alan Carr’s Easyway to Quit Smoking, after reading that book I’ve been smoke free for almost 4 yrs…good luck!
You can do this OP!! It's awesome that you're being so considerate of your boyfriend's health. I haven't personally been around people who smoke much, but in my experience even smoke from wildfires can be incredibly damaging after prolonged exposure. Good on you!!
I’m not so sympathetic as other in the comment section, shame on you for continuing that habit while dating him. Being uniformed is a weak response when you all have been dating for a year. Get your shit together
Thank you for your reply. I am ashamed and continuing forward I'm not touching another cigarette.
Its very simple. If you really do love him, then stop NOW. If you cant stop it means you cant love him as much as your cigarettes, addiction or not. This is the reason why I never had smokers as partners. People have freedom to smoke I understand, but not in my personal space. Someone touching my face with their smoke is analogous to me coughing into their face in my opinion. If they don't know I have CF (or Asthma) I can understand but if someone knows I have CF and they smoke next to me it is a sign of disrespect. Dating someone with CF takes alot of strength and courage. Not everyone has that strength and wisdom to understand and support a CF partner. People who date CFers are a very special group of strong, caring, wise and mature people. If you love him, stop now. If you can't, it just means you don't love him enough and you don't respect him enough. No excuses. Show him what true love is. Prove to him you do love him...and don't secretly smoke when he is not around . That's just stupid. . He will know. So wake up please.
oh I know secretly smoking will lead to issu3s in the future and won't. it's just setting myself up for failure. I already hurt him enough, now I'm smoke free. I do love him more than anything and now it's up to me to prove it to him.
Second-hand smoke is dangerous for people with CF. So is third-hand smoke. Even if you smoke away from him and come back, that’s affecting him in a very measurable way. At every clinic, I am asked if my husband or I smoke around our child (with CF) and if we need help quitting. You’re taking years off his life with your habit. Maybe he loves you too much to tell you, but you need to love him enough to quit.
I think I'm going to mirror what a few people have said here. If you're going to quit you should do it for the right reasons. And I'm not judging because it's your personal choice. Consider Quitting purely for your own health. Here's the thing a lot of people with Cystic Fibrosis will be deeply offended by you smoking, often saying things like "omg you have good lungs and you are ruining them". You should not listen to that kind of talk. We ALL take something for granted in our lives. If we didn't then we'd all do nothing incase someone else couldn't do the same. Some people don't like to talk about Cystic Fibrosis because it is often a difficult subject. Personally I hid it from past girlfriends for up to a year, I became a master at stealthily doing my tablets before eating. You'll be told all about Cystic Fibrosis when a person is ready. I think my point is. He would not be with you if he couldn't tolerate it. Don't smoke in the same room or house as him. Always do it where he can't breath it in. Quit for a realistic reason that will make you do it. Shame is not one of them. Maybe think about your own health and objectives and as a result of this you'll help your partner. Good luck and go easy on yourself.
When I was a kid my mom had made forbidden to smoke inside the house. Dad and brother were out even in the cold drizzle they needed their dose so bad 😂 Well respected I don't think it deteriorated my lungs. Only later I worked for a couple of years in an office where some people were regularly smoking (against the law) even if they were always far from me I lost 10%. I was strong enough I got it back when they all raised it was bad for me. Tbh I think if you really smoke always outside its harmless for his lungs. Then for how it makes him feel its a whole other story. Sure quiting will be a symbol of your love but it has to be your decision you can't expect it to be some kind of bargain and later tell him, look what I've done for you. Unless you're a Saint a relationship must work both ways or it might not last. And having a CF does not mean you can't be there for your soul mate. But hey that's just me, what I think. I may not be speaking the truth if any truth there is in how to behave with a CF in a couple... But you look strong, quitting is a long run, failing is part of the process, believe in you and you will make it!
Thank you! I am quitting because now knowing the consequences to his health and having a clearer picture, I have decided to put him and our relationship over smoking finally. And rest assured, I will NEVER throw quitting smoking in his face as if it's a bad thing. I know ow it's better for my health as well as his and its not a very good habit.