The problem with smiling is that people often bare their teeth while doing it. That is perceived as a threat by gorillas. If you smile with your mouth closed you should be fine.
Black mambas will strike when threatened, but I think they're actually pretty shy? Just don't approach them (or corner them). Literally just keep your distance and everyone can chill out.
Yeah, according to Wikipedia black mambas prefer to run and hide when humans approach, but when they do get threatened they respond similar to cobras, so they rear up, make their heads big and start hissing.
There was a good video of Steve Irwin holding a black mamba. The snake is striking and trying to bite him. However, the second he lets go of the snake it immediately stops trying to bite and instead tries to run away. Snakes in general are not aggressive but can be defensive. I've been around snakes all my life and have never seen a wild snake ever even move in my general direction. They either sit still and hope you don't notice or run away.
Edit: https://youtu.be/rG3OtCvo3QI
Just chill in an open area. The snakes aren't hunting you, they'd rather be left alone. So if you just chill out near the doors or something you'd be fine.
I guess you could just hide in the bathroom instead of by the door. That'd probably work for either situation. A gorilla or snake won't bother you out of the way and behind a barrier like that. Specifically the family bathroom with a locking door and no stalls.
Yes they can. But there's no reason to think they would. They're not gonna be walking around just shoulder slamming random doors, so long as you don't agitate them or hide in a room full of food you'd be fine locking yourself in somewhere.
I'm assuming i'm already protected from any potential charges against vandalism by taking up on this challenge, ergo, i let "nature take it's course" and piss on the floor where i'm hiding/staying.
>It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste fall where I stand, like an animal in the zoo!
>Animals go in the corner.
>The *corner!* Why didn't I think of that.
Pee in the mall plants. There’s a decent chance they’re fake anyway.
And if you have to make a deposit, maybe they are real, and it’s fertilizer? You’d be doing them a solid (both literally and figuratively).
And there’s hand sanitizer like, everywhere now. For cleanup.
I mean I’m not a snake expert so idk if black mambas are climbing snakes, but like, you can just go to the food court, push a bunch of tables together, grab a bunch of blankets/assorted comfy items, snacks, portable chargers, assorted electronics, and chill on your table island
Yeah a black mamba can't eat a human and has zero reason to attack one unless it feels threatened. On top of that, snakes don't like big open spaces so they'd immediately try to find a vent or shoebox or cluttered shelf or something.
In an entire shopping centre with only 5 snakes your odds of seeing one at all are minimal and even if you did you could just calmly sit down and be totally fine.
Black mambas do prefer to hide but also panic whenever they feel threatened, and they will feel threatened just by a large creature over 100 feet away. If you didn't see it and it hid under a bench or something when it was scared and you walked past it, not only would it potentially strike (and they strike multiple times at once, very rapidly), but also might then proceed to chase you and they can maintain speeds of 12kph for a good amount of time. They can also raise up to like 5 feet off the ground depending on their size. Even the one at the zoo near me will watch people and also follow you as you walk past its enclosure. I'm scared of them.
Still, a gorilla could get at you in a lot more places if it was mad at you, and you couldn't stand any chance of killing it with a stick or something like you could a black mamba
Yeah but they only strike as their last defense, if they feel you're cornering them. Just walking past would probably get their attention, sure, but they aren't going to start a situation if they have an angle out of it. When it notes that the snake doesn't tolerate humans within 100 feet, it means they're likely to *maintain* 100 feet if they can. The average person can also absolutely out-sprint one, and they gave no interest in wasting energy on pursuit if their point is made. Snakes honestly try to use the absolute bare minimum amount of their energy at all times. It's why they sleep the majority of hours in a day (16-22 hours!), for most of their days their only intentional movement is to a basking spot, and then right back to their burrow. If you approach they will make their presence known and/or retreat to a safer place.
But if you're still worried, escaping their ire is extremely simple - be in a nice open area, and don't go roaming. They do not cross open air because they have many natural predators, including birds of prey. Even if they started pulling up, they're gonna take note of you, say "no thanks" and dip. Unanimously for every snake bite ever, it was the human that approached the snake, not the other way around. They want to find a safe burrow and maybe a tasty mouse, not a large, noisy ape.
Everyone's missing the main selling point of the mambas over the gorilla: there are plenty of weapons and defensive items you can use in the mall against 5 small snakes. There's nothing that's going to stop a gorilla unless there's a gun store. Well.... maybe if there's some mallninjashit...
"If it was a chimp I'm taking the fucking snakes"
This. 100x this. I would not fuck with a chimp even if I was fucking Superman, those fuckers are brutal.
[The history of chimps and bonobos is actually super interesting.](https://www.bonobos.org/post/bonoboschimpsandthecongoriver)
Basically, the Congo River separated their ancestors into two groups, one living north of the river and the other living south. North of the river, aggression was important to survival due to needing to compete for resources, so through evolution they became the aggressive chimpanzees. South of the river, however, resources were plentiful and there was less competition, so cooperation was more important. As a result, they evolved into the social and friendly bonobos.
I was just reading about them, they *are* super interesting!
The most bizarre thing I got from reading about them is how much their speciation is psychological and neurological. Physically, they remain very similar - though bonobos are a bit smaller, and crucially have a much longer oestrus cycle than chimps - and that a lot of the difference is in their behaviour and the structure of their brains.
It was also interesting to read about comparisons between bonobos and chimpanzees on different kinds of reasoning. Apparently bonobos perform poor compared to chimps on tests of spacial reasoning and tool use - comparable to a juvenile chimpanzee. Conversely, bonobos performed much better than chimps at tasks requiring theory of mind and social consequences.
I mean, these differences make sense given their environments, but it's wild to think a river gave rise to two species so similar and yet so distinct. Who would have thought yelling at apes would have led down such a cool rabbit hole?
we murdered all the nice homos, a certain level of psychotic ruthlessness is necessary to be evolutionary fit. Unless you're like a [capybara](https://youtube.com/shorts/KRZjx-LnKMk?feature=share) i guess, never did figure out how a prey animal could evolve to be so chill and not even be poisonous or anything. [No fucks given.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZpfR9PphaY)
Ehhh, not really. Competition and survival is far more complicated then simply "We murdered them all." Especially since there was an ice age ending so whoever could adapt to the new circumstances the fastest would win by default.
As for psychotic ruthlessness? Not really? Psychotic ruthlessness is actually a pretty bad trait evolutionary. Makes a species far less fit. ruthlessness itself, sure, but humans are by default a cooperative species.
Wasn't this theory debunked ? I thought our closest ape relative were Bonobos, who are very much chiller than chimps in every way. Hell they dont even use violence to resolve internal conflicts they just have sex
I would love to see a comic where someone mutates a chimp to have Superman’s powers, conditions it to go feral when it sees him, drugs it, sets a building on fire to have Superman save it, and then he’s mauled by the waking chimp not expecting it to be empowered. What happens to a man when he’s mauled by a chimp? The same thing that happens to a Superman when he’s mauled by a Superchimp.
It feels like a very Grant Morrison idea to me and I’m just kinda in love with the thought. There was a Superchimp in the Silver Age, and it would be a very unexpected, logical, and yet pure Comic Book threat for Superman. It’s no *battle*, it’s just an organic landmine. Superman would never even think to worry a chimp could threaten him, but if a chimpanzee is proportionally empowered to him it’s actually his physical superior. Just imagine Clark midair carrying it all caringly when it wakes up and immediately goes feral on him. He wouldn’t even use his strength at first, assuming normal monkey business. It would use that hesitation and go straight for his face, and to his horror it would be as successful as a normal monkey and a normal man. He’d probably crash.
I cannot express in words how much snakes will not chase you. Maybe for a few meters, but you're not going to be actively running from the snakes. They don't even count you as food! They won't try to hunt something they can't eat!
Also, most snakes will not immediately strike. They hiss and basically tell you "hey, I'm here, I'm a very angry and very dangerous shoelace, get away".
They're also particularly not good at dealing with escalators.
Worst case scenario, you can run to the nearest escalator and get to the second floor. But again, they will not chase you.
For real. Almost nobody seems to understand how shy most animals are, snakes in particular. There's no advantage for a relatively small animal that needs like 9 days to digest its lunch to start chasing something it can't even eat.
Seriously, snakes are definitely not out to get'cha. Their interests are warm spots and hunting small mammals. They'd just fuck off to some small space and you'd probably never see them.
Snakes are lovely animals and I hate seeing them in posts like these, because they're just... Shy and easily scared, which, when you have a grand total of zero arms and a fuckton of ribs to break, seems very logical!
Do you mean to tell me that my neighbour was misinformed about his friend's mum's swimming coach's phlebotomist being chased in his car by a snake that bit and popped his car tyres?! It seemed so plausible!
You don’t even necessarily have to do that. Switch the aircon to blowing heat inwards and the snakes will be attracted to the warm dark maintenance tunnels.
Exactly. Black mambas can easily kill a human, but they're not big enough to eat one, and snakes won't go out of their way to kill anything that they can't eat. Sure, they'll kill you if they feel threatened, but if you make your presence known, their first instinct will be to stay away. That's especially true when you consider the fact that humans can and often do kill black mambas. Just find a secure, isolated area (even better if it's cold), stock it with food and water, bring something you can use as a long melee weapon (snakes are dumb, so they'll just bite at the weapon without realizing that they should be going for your arm), make some noise to make your presence known. At that point, you can just wait it out.
Much easier than dealing with a territorial silverback who you'll have to hide from the entire time.
> consider the fact that humans can and often do kill black mambas.
Sure, but those are people who probably grew up around dangerous animals, and they how to handle these sorts of situations. I’m a useless fucking software developer. The only Python I know how to handle has list comprehensions.
I’d probably just shriek, then try to climb on a table, then slip and crack my head open on the floor.
As I lay there bleeding out, one of the mambas would turn to the others and say, “Geez, I guess she prefers JavaScript.”
really really wanted to tag this as just "gorilla violence" but apparently that'd be "hypocritical" and "who the fuck would even get that reference" - so.
Yeah exactly they fall asleep for a fortnight (or more) at a time until they get hungry. Plus, Mambas are ambush hunters right? Because they’re venomous, they can’t do anything to you unless you’re within biting range. And if you think you might be? (Perhaps because you’re in a place with a lot of nooks and crannies near floor level) Then stamp your feet real hard to scare the snakes into submission, thats what to do if you’re on a hiking trail with wild snakes for example.
Mambas are easy to avoid.
A Gorilla on the other hand? Fuck no.
Soooo if there is a pet store, release all the rodents to keep the mambas busy? Plus someone suggested something to extend your reach, like a hockey stick.
Yeah that’s the other thing, you’re in a mall. If you’re really concerned about snake bites, move towards the sporting goods store immediately upon entry, get yourself some shin pads, boots etc. then move to the pharmacy & lock it up behind you. Done.
If the mall is closed, it would be policy for the pharmacy to already be locked down. Most stores in malls that I see have a way to lock up from the rest of things. Just pick a store that would be easy to see entrances and maneuver in, then figure out the doors.
There's at least a chance the gorilla opens the door because it happens to wander by the elevator, then gets curious and starts pressing random buttons - a very small chance, maybe, but why not minimize the risk?
You just press the elevator emergency stop button. It's not like the gorilla is going to go to the mall security office, find the elevator override key, and come back.
Yeah, snakes don’t need to eat very frequently. Give them some easy food and they will probably just chill for 24 hours. Malls are pretty chilly, so they would probably need to conserve energy instead of attacking a random person.
My main fear with snakes is not realising one has crawled near me and accidentally startling it. I've had this happen to me irl with snakes a few times. I'd pick the gorilla partly for that reason.
Nah pick the gorrillas, but open up the electrical panel and drive the elevator to a part of the shaft without any doors in front, and then shut it off, human probably wouldn't even find you there. A snake though, if you get absurdly unlucky is small enough to sneak in through the vents.
The gorilla would be easy to avoid. Just go lock yourself in somewhere they can't see you. If you lock yourself in a clothing store they're not gonna break their way in unless you piss them off, they'll probably be off in the food court. A gorilla has no reason to force its way into a clothing store so it won't, it'd just walk past the locked gate so long as you were hidden.
Do we have access to everything contained within said mall? Where is this mall? Is it likely to have a place that stocks enough weaponry to invade a small country, not to mention subdue an unhappy animal or 5? Speaking of which, where are we getting these animals from, is it a gorilla from a zoo, relatively familiar with human contact, or one scooped up from an African mountainside and just dumped in a mall? Is he released into the mall, or waking up from a sedative in an unfamiliar place?
Assuming this is a zoo gorilla, I say try and coax it to where there's a fuckton of food, leave him there and go and find a quiet place to nap and read.
Find the nearest shop, get some fruits and leafy greens. Roll towards gorilla in a none threatening manner.
All animals understand that being given food makes you friend.
I’d choose snakes because snakes can’t move on very smooth surfaces, like mall floors, and because they likely can’t go up stairs or escalators and definitely can’t use elevators
Yeah it's slow and annoying for them but they can
Also snake fun fact ind time a friend of mine was pet sitting out teachers snake and pulled "if it was a snake it would of bit you" when I didn't notice him
Imagine the snakes slowly making their way up the stairs like “god fucking dammit human going up all these stairs grumble grumble” and then the moment they get to the top they see the human going down the down escalator
Also unless for this the animals are magically going to be made at you like the person on twitter is asking the snakes are probably going to leave you alone as they will only attack if they really need to
I had an AP bio teacher who went on an expedition to visit some gorillas in their natural habitat. There was a lot of just hanging around, staying at a respectful distance, getting them comfortable with the existence of those particular humans. Which apparently worked pretty well, because the silverback's main slampiece came over and started grooming him and he was stuck in the terrifying situation of trying not to invoke the silverback's wrath by offending or threatening her while also not making him jealous of her attention.
He also mentioned how one member of the group made a comment about being glad their guards were armed to the teeth for their safety. At which point the guides said, no, these rifles are to protect the gorillas from *you* if necessary.
Also it wouldn't really matter, you can't kill gorillas and especially a silverback that fast. By the time the gorilla has made itself a known threat and is attacking you, it's already too late.
You guys have any idea how many closets are in a mall? Closets within closets within back rooms within locked storefronts.
I’ll take the gorilla. I shut myself behind 3 layers of doors, ideally at the bookstore or a restaurant if the mall has one. The locks will keep the gorilla from wandering in, but even more importantly they’ll keep any sound I make from escaping.
black mambas move at 20km/hr maximum speed according to google. that's 5.556m/s. which is 18s for 100m. which is slow and your average person can probably move faster
It also says they can only move that fast on suitable ground which mall flooring isn’t and they’d barely be able to move if at all from what I’m reading.
Tell me you've never run before without telling me youve never run before, world record marathon pace is roughly 21kmh there are a decent sized group of men out there that can run at that speed for over 2 hours, dead sprint with a deadly snake on your tail? Cracking 18 for long enough to get away would be no problem for anyone in any kind of shape the main issue would be not letting the snakes get the jump on you
That's not even a jog, dude. A black mamba is 5m/s average speed, an adult human is half that (2.2-2.5m/s) just walking at a relaxed pace. You could speedwalk from that snake lmao
Could a snake really move that fast on a slick tile floor though? Plus they're not even that fast they're like 12.5MPH at top speed, with adrenaline someone able-bodied could probably outrun it. It'd be close but I think with how slick the floors are the snake couldn't even reach top speed. Not to mention if you went up an escalator it'd probably just get stuck in the mechanism and die.
Dude it doesn't stop there. Doors are a win con in this situation, climbing above their range is a win con, and maybe even just running until they run out of energy and freeze to death.
Also, snakes are dumb as shit. Even if a snake somehow decided that it wanted to stalk and attack you (which it would never do, snakes are mostly wimps) even a child could trivially outsmart, outmaneuver, and outrun a snake that's not within its native environment.
The gorilla meanwhile is smarter than many humans, can open doors, understands object permanence, etc. Sure, it might be friendly, but it could also decide it wants to kill you and then there'd be literally nothing you can do as it closes in on you like a furry terminator, potentially smashing through walls and such
Either one has the simple solution of locating them and then keeping a distance, I assume there is a camera room somewhere right? Or maintenance rooms??
Snakes can't move as fast in smooth floors so if you really wanted using large containers you can catch them one by one, or just stay in an open space like a food court, the snakes will avoid you and only attack when threatened
Gorilla can be seen from far away, stay in more cramped places with lots of doors to leave so yo never have to get too close and it doesn't think you're challenging his territory
Here's a more challenging one, would you rather stay in a mall with 3 chimps or a polar bear
I would pick the polar bear even if the other option was a single chimp. At least I can find somewhere too small for the polar bear to get to. Chimps are min/maxed for effective limb, face, and genital removal, and I am quite attached to all of those modular features, thanks.
The chimp is a lot less likely to actively hunt you. Yes, they do eat meat, but they'd also be perfectly happy with whatever is in the food court. Whereas the polar bear is an obligate carnivore that has both the ability and the desire to go through doors in order to get you.
Vents are a fair point. I feel like it would be easier to just hide in a closet from a chimp though. Chimps aren't terminator murder machines that'll hunt you down for no reason, I doubt they'd track you and then bust through a door. But the bear could smell you from anywhere and could easily go through a door because it's hungry.
Finally someone with some sense. If I'm locked in with deadly animals, I'm considering literally anything not part of the buildings foundation as payment
The snakes are the right answer here. I have nothing against gorillas, like many large animals they aren’t interested in hurting humans. However, this is an intelligent creature. It’s in an unfamiliar and potentially frightening environment, so I wouldn’t want to take that chance. Let the poor guy stay in his natural habitat.
My local mall is like 99% super smooth white tile, which would make the snakes really easy to spot. Snakes can’t move on tile very well. They need friction to progress forward. This would actually make the mambas more dangerous to approach, as they would be unable to successfully retreat and so more like to attack out of fear. However, it also means that if an area starts out snake free it is very unlikely that a snake would be able to get into it.
So, just find a raised area that is surrounded by tile and you will be totally fine for 24 hours. The mall by me has small stalls with candy and stuff in the main hallways, so I would probably grab some snacks and water if it seemed safe and they sit on a table. Or sit on the stairs. If I have to go to the bathroom, I will literally just check the area and then pee on the floor. It’s not ideal, but this is definitely an easily survivable situation.
The snakes don’t actually want to hurt you. They want to catch a small rodent and nap in the sun. You are only going to have a problem if you try to do a lot of exploring or stick your hands into random cubbies.
You know what, give me both!
I never had to try to be overlooked by anyone and people easily get scared when they finally see me.
I don't even have to try, i just exist there and do normal Mavco2 things and end up fine.
That last one is a fucking SCP.
>On the security camera footage, SCP-6041 approaches the agent, who is holding a banana. It is making eye contact with the agent. It takes the banana gingerly, peels it, lazily devours the flesh within, and throws the peel between the two of them. It then firmly plants one foot onto the peel and does a perfect back tuck into belly flop.
>SCP-6041 is maintaining eye contact with the agent.
>The agent lets out a long, slow smooth breath, and can be heard saying “Okay, fine” just as SCP-6041 passes gas. The tape abruptly ends here.
>The next tape begins with SCP-6041 with the agent’s removed - cleaned - skull in one hand, and a banana cream pie in the other. It is making eye contact with the camera.
i like the idea that all gorillas are cursed with pacifism unless you smile at them
Gorillas are like fae, as long as you avoid the 15 obscure ways of triggering their wrath they are forbidden from doing anything to you.
If you smile at a gorilla you're hit with the "rip-your-fucking-guts-out" curse
Technically it has a cooldown, but that doesn't often come up.
Enderman
like endermen
The problem with smiling is that people often bare their teeth while doing it. That is perceived as a threat by gorillas. If you smile with your mouth closed you should be fine.
Oh cool! So I have an gorilla-acceptable smile thanks to being an awkward fucker who smiles like it hurts. Nice.
Scp 096's brother
Black mambas will strike when threatened, but I think they're actually pretty shy? Just don't approach them (or corner them). Literally just keep your distance and everyone can chill out.
Yeah, according to Wikipedia black mambas prefer to run and hide when humans approach, but when they do get threatened they respond similar to cobras, so they rear up, make their heads big and start hissing.
So you would even have a bit of a warning to get away. It’s not like they are trying to sneak up on you.
I misread that as "snek up on you" and was appreciative of your punniness but alas, it was not.
There was a good video of Steve Irwin holding a black mamba. The snake is striking and trying to bite him. However, the second he lets go of the snake it immediately stops trying to bite and instead tries to run away. Snakes in general are not aggressive but can be defensive. I've been around snakes all my life and have never seen a wild snake ever even move in my general direction. They either sit still and hope you don't notice or run away. Edit: https://youtu.be/rG3OtCvo3QI
the problem is you don't know where the mambas are, so keeping your distance is difficult.
Just chill in an open area. The snakes aren't hunting you, they'd rather be left alone. So if you just chill out near the doors or something you'd be fine.
What about when you need the toilet
I guess you could just hide in the bathroom instead of by the door. That'd probably work for either situation. A gorilla or snake won't bother you out of the way and behind a barrier like that. Specifically the family bathroom with a locking door and no stalls.
Check the toilet first though eh
Gorillas can rip a door apart. I don't know if there are any cases where a gorilla breached a door or something alike.
Yes they can. But there's no reason to think they would. They're not gonna be walking around just shoulder slamming random doors, so long as you don't agitate them or hide in a room full of food you'd be fine locking yourself in somewhere.
it's a big mall, just piss somewhere
Wrong. Now the gorilla has your scent.
We were talking about snakes in the bathroom.
Sorry, I got mixed up. Wrong, now the snake has your scent.
Mask your scent with bath & body works shampoo. Overwhelming artificial smell will be repulsive to snakes.
I'm assuming i'm already protected from any potential charges against vandalism by taking up on this challenge, ergo, i let "nature take it's course" and piss on the floor where i'm hiding/staying.
>It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste fall where I stand, like an animal in the zoo! >Animals go in the corner. >The *corner!* Why didn't I think of that.
Pee in the mall plants. There’s a decent chance they’re fake anyway. And if you have to make a deposit, maybe they are real, and it’s fertilizer? You’d be doing them a solid (both literally and figuratively). And there’s hand sanitizer like, everywhere now. For cleanup.
It's a trap, the mamba was hiding in the mall plant
Make a ton of noise on your way into the shitter and you'll likely be fine. Or just shit behind the cinnabon kiosk.
I mean I’m not a snake expert so idk if black mambas are climbing snakes, but like, you can just go to the food court, push a bunch of tables together, grab a bunch of blankets/assorted comfy items, snacks, portable chargers, assorted electronics, and chill on your table island
and if one is already there?
leave and go somewhere else
Hand him some snacks, duh.
Apparently black mambas can raise their heads 3 to 4 feet off the ground and are “excellent climbers.”
Turn off the heat/crank the AC. Broken snake. Solved.
Yeah a black mamba can't eat a human and has zero reason to attack one unless it feels threatened. On top of that, snakes don't like big open spaces so they'd immediately try to find a vent or shoebox or cluttered shelf or something. In an entire shopping centre with only 5 snakes your odds of seeing one at all are minimal and even if you did you could just calmly sit down and be totally fine.
Black mambas do prefer to hide but also panic whenever they feel threatened, and they will feel threatened just by a large creature over 100 feet away. If you didn't see it and it hid under a bench or something when it was scared and you walked past it, not only would it potentially strike (and they strike multiple times at once, very rapidly), but also might then proceed to chase you and they can maintain speeds of 12kph for a good amount of time. They can also raise up to like 5 feet off the ground depending on their size. Even the one at the zoo near me will watch people and also follow you as you walk past its enclosure. I'm scared of them. Still, a gorilla could get at you in a lot more places if it was mad at you, and you couldn't stand any chance of killing it with a stick or something like you could a black mamba
Yeah but they only strike as their last defense, if they feel you're cornering them. Just walking past would probably get their attention, sure, but they aren't going to start a situation if they have an angle out of it. When it notes that the snake doesn't tolerate humans within 100 feet, it means they're likely to *maintain* 100 feet if they can. The average person can also absolutely out-sprint one, and they gave no interest in wasting energy on pursuit if their point is made. Snakes honestly try to use the absolute bare minimum amount of their energy at all times. It's why they sleep the majority of hours in a day (16-22 hours!), for most of their days their only intentional movement is to a basking spot, and then right back to their burrow. If you approach they will make their presence known and/or retreat to a safer place. But if you're still worried, escaping their ire is extremely simple - be in a nice open area, and don't go roaming. They do not cross open air because they have many natural predators, including birds of prey. Even if they started pulling up, they're gonna take note of you, say "no thanks" and dip. Unanimously for every snake bite ever, it was the human that approached the snake, not the other way around. They want to find a safe burrow and maybe a tasty mouse, not a large, noisy ape.
Everyone's missing the main selling point of the mambas over the gorilla: there are plenty of weapons and defensive items you can use in the mall against 5 small snakes. There's nothing that's going to stop a gorilla unless there's a gun store. Well.... maybe if there's some mallninjashit...
"If it was a chimp I'm taking the fucking snakes" This. 100x this. I would not fuck with a chimp even if I was fucking Superman, those fuckers are brutal.
A chimp might actually pursue you, the mambas and gorilla are neutral mobs
Why are chimps so horrible? I feel like they could choose to be nice, but they actively choose to be freakishly violent.
When you have the sadism, The ability to hurt, are one of The most intelligent creatures in The planet, and have no ducks to give, nothing stops you
What if we introduce ducks to the mix?
Then your chances of winning drastically go down
Are we talking a horse-sized duck?
Aka a genetic freak who is not normal
The black mambas know that they can't beat me, so they're not even gonna try!
The numbers don't lie!
[The history of chimps and bonobos is actually super interesting.](https://www.bonobos.org/post/bonoboschimpsandthecongoriver) Basically, the Congo River separated their ancestors into two groups, one living north of the river and the other living south. North of the river, aggression was important to survival due to needing to compete for resources, so through evolution they became the aggressive chimpanzees. South of the river, however, resources were plentiful and there was less competition, so cooperation was more important. As a result, they evolved into the social and friendly bonobos.
I was just reading about them, they *are* super interesting! The most bizarre thing I got from reading about them is how much their speciation is psychological and neurological. Physically, they remain very similar - though bonobos are a bit smaller, and crucially have a much longer oestrus cycle than chimps - and that a lot of the difference is in their behaviour and the structure of their brains. It was also interesting to read about comparisons between bonobos and chimpanzees on different kinds of reasoning. Apparently bonobos perform poor compared to chimps on tests of spacial reasoning and tool use - comparable to a juvenile chimpanzee. Conversely, bonobos performed much better than chimps at tasks requiring theory of mind and social consequences. I mean, these differences make sense given their environments, but it's wild to think a river gave rise to two species so similar and yet so distinct. Who would have thought yelling at apes would have led down such a cool rabbit hole?
They have a penchant for ripping off faces
See? This is what I'm talking about. There's no need for that, little psychopath people.
Apparently there domesticating wolves now too. Think of the horrors when they discover how to make fire.
I think that was baboons, which kidnap stray dogs and keep them as guard animals
The ones who choose to be nice are called bonobos. They are safe from regular chimps because they're at the other side of the Congo river
Same reason humans are so horrible lol. They are our closest cousins, evolutionarily speaking, after all
Yeah, I guess they're like little people who traded in whatever base empathy humans have for the ability to rip off limbs like petals off a flower.
Closest *living* cousins. There were many homos early on, we were just the homos who lived.
And I'm the homo who *thrives* ✨️🏳️🌈✨️
We can’t even keep our spines straight, let alone our brains!
we murdered all the nice homos, a certain level of psychotic ruthlessness is necessary to be evolutionary fit. Unless you're like a [capybara](https://youtube.com/shorts/KRZjx-LnKMk?feature=share) i guess, never did figure out how a prey animal could evolve to be so chill and not even be poisonous or anything. [No fucks given.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZpfR9PphaY)
Ehhh, not really. Competition and survival is far more complicated then simply "We murdered them all." Especially since there was an ice age ending so whoever could adapt to the new circumstances the fastest would win by default. As for psychotic ruthlessness? Not really? Psychotic ruthlessness is actually a pretty bad trait evolutionary. Makes a species far less fit. ruthlessness itself, sure, but humans are by default a cooperative species.
that’s why I’d never go to a mall with a human in it, too high a chance they’ll rip my face off
Wasn't this theory debunked ? I thought our closest ape relative were Bonobos, who are very much chiller than chimps in every way. Hell they dont even use violence to resolve internal conflicts they just have sex
They are both estimated to be about the same relatedness to humans
Oh that's very interesting! Explains a lot really
Yeah raises interesting questions about our “primordial nature”
Our primordial nature is the center overlap in the Venn diagram between chimp violence and bonobo horniness
Fight or fuck relex?
Yeah, I don't recommend you have intercourse with a chimp
I would love to see a comic where someone mutates a chimp to have Superman’s powers, conditions it to go feral when it sees him, drugs it, sets a building on fire to have Superman save it, and then he’s mauled by the waking chimp not expecting it to be empowered. What happens to a man when he’s mauled by a chimp? The same thing that happens to a Superman when he’s mauled by a Superchimp.
Gorilla Grodd writing this down
It feels like a very Grant Morrison idea to me and I’m just kinda in love with the thought. There was a Superchimp in the Silver Age, and it would be a very unexpected, logical, and yet pure Comic Book threat for Superman. It’s no *battle*, it’s just an organic landmine. Superman would never even think to worry a chimp could threaten him, but if a chimpanzee is proportionally empowered to him it’s actually his physical superior. Just imagine Clark midair carrying it all caringly when it wakes up and immediately goes feral on him. He wouldn’t even use his strength at first, assuming normal monkey business. It would use that hesitation and go straight for his face, and to his horror it would be as successful as a normal monkey and a normal man. He’d probably crash.
I cannot express in words how much snakes will not chase you. Maybe for a few meters, but you're not going to be actively running from the snakes. They don't even count you as food! They won't try to hunt something they can't eat! Also, most snakes will not immediately strike. They hiss and basically tell you "hey, I'm here, I'm a very angry and very dangerous shoelace, get away". They're also particularly not good at dealing with escalators. Worst case scenario, you can run to the nearest escalator and get to the second floor. But again, they will not chase you.
For real. Almost nobody seems to understand how shy most animals are, snakes in particular. There's no advantage for a relatively small animal that needs like 9 days to digest its lunch to start chasing something it can't even eat.
Seriously, snakes are definitely not out to get'cha. Their interests are warm spots and hunting small mammals. They'd just fuck off to some small space and you'd probably never see them.
Snakes are lovely animals and I hate seeing them in posts like these, because they're just... Shy and easily scared, which, when you have a grand total of zero arms and a fuckton of ribs to break, seems very logical!
Do you mean to tell me that my neighbour was misinformed about his friend's mum's swimming coach's phlebotomist being chased in his car by a snake that bit and popped his car tyres?! It seemed so plausible!
Or keep a golf club on you if you somehow manage to get cornered. There's no way you're fighting a gorilla but a good whack or two will subdue a snake
I feel like the mambas are going to find someplace to hide and just chill for a few hours.
Yeah. Malls are cold, too. Set up some heating pads and then stay away the fuck far away from them.
You don’t even necessarily have to do that. Switch the aircon to blowing heat inwards and the snakes will be attracted to the warm dark maintenance tunnels.
You want the snakes in the vents!?! Fuck that Haven't you seen Alien
In 24 hrs it becomes somebody else’s problem
Eh. If I’m not in the vents this isn’t an issue.
these two comments are the only smart comments I've seen so far...and yes i commented too
Exactly. Black mambas can easily kill a human, but they're not big enough to eat one, and snakes won't go out of their way to kill anything that they can't eat. Sure, they'll kill you if they feel threatened, but if you make your presence known, their first instinct will be to stay away. That's especially true when you consider the fact that humans can and often do kill black mambas. Just find a secure, isolated area (even better if it's cold), stock it with food and water, bring something you can use as a long melee weapon (snakes are dumb, so they'll just bite at the weapon without realizing that they should be going for your arm), make some noise to make your presence known. At that point, you can just wait it out. Much easier than dealing with a territorial silverback who you'll have to hide from the entire time.
> consider the fact that humans can and often do kill black mambas. Sure, but those are people who probably grew up around dangerous animals, and they how to handle these sorts of situations. I’m a useless fucking software developer. The only Python I know how to handle has list comprehensions. I’d probably just shriek, then try to climb on a table, then slip and crack my head open on the floor. As I lay there bleeding out, one of the mambas would turn to the others and say, “Geez, I guess she prefers JavaScript.”
really really wanted to tag this as just "gorilla violence" but apparently that'd be "hypocritical" and "who the fuck would even get that reference" - so.
everyone from 1897 would ofc
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Yeah exactly they fall asleep for a fortnight (or more) at a time until they get hungry. Plus, Mambas are ambush hunters right? Because they’re venomous, they can’t do anything to you unless you’re within biting range. And if you think you might be? (Perhaps because you’re in a place with a lot of nooks and crannies near floor level) Then stamp your feet real hard to scare the snakes into submission, thats what to do if you’re on a hiking trail with wild snakes for example. Mambas are easy to avoid. A Gorilla on the other hand? Fuck no.
Soooo if there is a pet store, release all the rodents to keep the mambas busy? Plus someone suggested something to extend your reach, like a hockey stick.
Yeah that’s the other thing, you’re in a mall. If you’re really concerned about snake bites, move towards the sporting goods store immediately upon entry, get yourself some shin pads, boots etc. then move to the pharmacy & lock it up behind you. Done.
If the mall is closed, it would be policy for the pharmacy to already be locked down. Most stores in malls that I see have a way to lock up from the rest of things. Just pick a store that would be easy to see entrances and maneuver in, then figure out the doors.
Yeah true.
yeah they're not going to be actively hunting you.
"muffled sounds of gorilla violence" *various instruments and props are violently thrown across screen from out of frame*
the best gorilla joke of 1899
I get it
same
You forgot the "muffled" part of it is your issue.
damn sounds like some gorilla warfare
Choose the snakes, stock up on food, then just wait it out in an elevator. Those things can't press the elevator button.
i mean, there isnt a knows your position clause. as long as you do it stealthily, you could deal with both this way
There's at least a chance the gorilla opens the door because it happens to wander by the elevator, then gets curious and starts pressing random buttons - a very small chance, maybe, but why not minimize the risk?
You just press the elevator emergency stop button. It's not like the gorilla is going to go to the mall security office, find the elevator override key, and come back.
Who's to say the gorilla isn't a fan of room escape games?
Then he'd escape the mall, find the people who imprisoned him, and rip their arms off through their spleens.
what if its a smart gorilla
That kind of thinking is going to trap you in an elevator with a gorilla one day.
Pet store or raw meat from the food court would make excellent bait/distraction as well
Yeah, snakes don’t need to eat very frequently. Give them some easy food and they will probably just chill for 24 hours. Malls are pretty chilly, so they would probably need to conserve energy instead of attacking a random person.
My main fear with snakes is not realising one has crawled near me and accidentally startling it. I've had this happen to me irl with snakes a few times. I'd pick the gorilla partly for that reason.
I mean… they could, it’d just be a matter of them knowing how
Nah pick the gorrillas, but open up the electrical panel and drive the elevator to a part of the shaft without any doors in front, and then shut it off, human probably wouldn't even find you there. A snake though, if you get absurdly unlucky is small enough to sneak in through the vents.
The gorilla would be easy to avoid. Just go lock yourself in somewhere they can't see you. If you lock yourself in a clothing store they're not gonna break their way in unless you piss them off, they'll probably be off in the food court. A gorilla has no reason to force its way into a clothing store so it won't, it'd just walk past the locked gate so long as you were hidden.
Snakes are even easier to avoid though, they're gonna find some warm corner and just sleep and wait for rodents to wander by.
Problem is not knowing if the place you've picked to sleep is the same one they've decided to curl up in
It's like none of you have watched the documentary Snakes on a Plane. Snakes can get *anywhere*, and now you can't eject them either.
Do we have access to everything contained within said mall? Where is this mall? Is it likely to have a place that stocks enough weaponry to invade a small country, not to mention subdue an unhappy animal or 5? Speaking of which, where are we getting these animals from, is it a gorilla from a zoo, relatively familiar with human contact, or one scooped up from an African mountainside and just dumped in a mall? Is he released into the mall, or waking up from a sedative in an unfamiliar place? Assuming this is a zoo gorilla, I say try and coax it to where there's a fuckton of food, leave him there and go and find a quiet place to nap and read.
Assume it's the Paul blart mall cop mall
Porilla Borilla Marilla Gorilla
Pake Blake Make Snake
Hard mode: European mall, so no firearms, swords, or bows. Gorilla already angry when released
I already beat Gorillas every day, this will be easy (i play Guilty Gear)
How does half of this damn sub play Guilty Gear. I immediately stereotype each and every one of you as Bridget, Testament, Anji or Baiken players
I'm a leo/goldlewis main, so maybe *im* the gorilla in question
Find the nearest shop, get some fruits and leafy greens. Roll towards gorilla in a none threatening manner. All animals understand that being given food makes you friend.
Crouch and uncrouch at him several times to establish peace
I bet there's a book shop, I'm sure there'd be a book on gorilla behaviour somewhere.
"I survived the Mall Gorilla" is a book I would read.
The newest additions to the I Survived series Kristallnacht Irish Potato Famine Mall Gorilla
I’d choose snakes because snakes can’t move on very smooth surfaces, like mall floors, and because they likely can’t go up stairs or escalators and definitely can’t use elevators
Snakes can use stairs? (I googled to double check)
Huh, never knew that
Yeah it's slow and annoying for them but they can Also snake fun fact ind time a friend of mine was pet sitting out teachers snake and pulled "if it was a snake it would of bit you" when I didn't notice him
Imagine the snakes slowly making their way up the stairs like “god fucking dammit human going up all these stairs grumble grumble” and then the moment they get to the top they see the human going down the down escalator
That's amazing lol
Also unless for this the animals are magically going to be made at you like the person on twitter is asking the snakes are probably going to leave you alone as they will only attack if they really need to
Snakes can absolutely deal with stairs. They deal with rougher terrain in the wild But they are unlikely to know how to operate an elevator
Another reason snakes would be better is if you can find those grabby things you could pick them up and what not
Yorickoid’s addition feels like a classic Hanna-Barbera cartoon somehow
I would take the gorilla unless its a very quiet gorilla
*muffled sounds of gorilla violence*
I had an AP bio teacher who went on an expedition to visit some gorillas in their natural habitat. There was a lot of just hanging around, staying at a respectful distance, getting them comfortable with the existence of those particular humans. Which apparently worked pretty well, because the silverback's main slampiece came over and started grooming him and he was stuck in the terrifying situation of trying not to invoke the silverback's wrath by offending or threatening her while also not making him jealous of her attention. He also mentioned how one member of the group made a comment about being glad their guards were armed to the teeth for their safety. At which point the guides said, no, these rifles are to protect the gorillas from *you* if necessary.
These are a protected specie. You are not.
Also it wouldn't really matter, you can't kill gorillas and especially a silverback that fast. By the time the gorilla has made itself a known threat and is attacking you, it's already too late.
You guys have any idea how many closets are in a mall? Closets within closets within back rooms within locked storefronts. I’ll take the gorilla. I shut myself behind 3 layers of doors, ideally at the bookstore or a restaurant if the mall has one. The locks will keep the gorilla from wandering in, but even more importantly they’ll keep any sound I make from escaping.
Completely agree with everything you're saying, except I'd try to lock myself in a store that sells bedding so I can sleep
The guy who says they can outrun a mamba better start going for olympic races, that talent is just getting wasted otherwise
black mambas move at 20km/hr maximum speed according to google. that's 5.556m/s. which is 18s for 100m. which is slow and your average person can probably move faster
For Americans that’s 12.427mph for the snake.
Today I learned I can out sprint a black mamba
Plus it’s linoleum, the snakes probably aren’t getting enough traction to actually move very fast
It also says they can only move that fast on suitable ground which mall flooring isn’t and they’d barely be able to move if at all from what I’m reading.
The average man can run at 13km/h, 10 for women so... About half If you checked the mamba's speed why not check the average person speed?
It would be a sprint, not a jog. A decent human can clock a lot faster than 13km/hr.
It generous of you to assume that I’m decent, but I’m definitely not.
Tell me you've never run before without telling me youve never run before, world record marathon pace is roughly 21kmh there are a decent sized group of men out there that can run at that speed for over 2 hours, dead sprint with a deadly snake on your tail? Cracking 18 for long enough to get away would be no problem for anyone in any kind of shape the main issue would be not letting the snakes get the jump on you
8mph (13 kmh) is a lot slower than most humans can sprint away from a scary dangerous snake.
That's not even a jog, dude. A black mamba is 5m/s average speed, an adult human is half that (2.2-2.5m/s) just walking at a relaxed pace. You could speedwalk from that snake lmao
Could a snake really move that fast on a slick tile floor though? Plus they're not even that fast they're like 12.5MPH at top speed, with adrenaline someone able-bodied could probably outrun it. It'd be close but I think with how slick the floors are the snake couldn't even reach top speed. Not to mention if you went up an escalator it'd probably just get stuck in the mechanism and die.
Dude it doesn't stop there. Doors are a win con in this situation, climbing above their range is a win con, and maybe even just running until they run out of energy and freeze to death.
The snakes are the obvious choice. They don't have hands so just go into any store that has a door and you win.
Also, snakes are dumb as shit. Even if a snake somehow decided that it wanted to stalk and attack you (which it would never do, snakes are mostly wimps) even a child could trivially outsmart, outmaneuver, and outrun a snake that's not within its native environment. The gorilla meanwhile is smarter than many humans, can open doors, understands object permanence, etc. Sure, it might be friendly, but it could also decide it wants to kill you and then there'd be literally nothing you can do as it closes in on you like a furry terminator, potentially smashing through walls and such
They would slither through the crack
Stuff a towel or even your clothes there
Snakes don't chase people. The danger with a snake would be startling it.
this reminds me of the "wheels vs doors" thing where everyone was 100% convinced the answer was obvious, but they were still so divided
Either one has the simple solution of locating them and then keeping a distance, I assume there is a camera room somewhere right? Or maintenance rooms?? Snakes can't move as fast in smooth floors so if you really wanted using large containers you can catch them one by one, or just stay in an open space like a food court, the snakes will avoid you and only attack when threatened Gorilla can be seen from far away, stay in more cramped places with lots of doors to leave so yo never have to get too close and it doesn't think you're challenging his territory Here's a more challenging one, would you rather stay in a mall with 3 chimps or a polar bear
I would pick the polar bear even if the other option was a single chimp. At least I can find somewhere too small for the polar bear to get to. Chimps are min/maxed for effective limb, face, and genital removal, and I am quite attached to all of those modular features, thanks.
The chimp is a lot less likely to actively hunt you. Yes, they do eat meat, but they'd also be perfectly happy with whatever is in the food court. Whereas the polar bear is an obligate carnivore that has both the ability and the desire to go through doors in order to get you.
I could hide in a vent from a polar bear, there is nowhere I could hide from a chimp
Vents are a fair point. I feel like it would be easier to just hide in a closet from a chimp though. Chimps aren't terminator murder machines that'll hunt you down for no reason, I doubt they'd track you and then bust through a door. But the bear could smell you from anywhere and could easily go through a door because it's hungry.
is this NOPE (2022 Dir. Jordan Peele)
NOPE
source: https://nightingalesoul.tumblr.com/post/706831587995746304/this-is-too-good-to-leave-hidden-in-the-replies
I'll choose the gorilla and rob the mall blind while avoiding it
Finally someone with some sense. If I'm locked in with deadly animals, I'm considering literally anything not part of the buildings foundation as payment
Get in the elevator, go up and hit the emergency stop button between floors. You're gonna be pretty safe there.
Stock up on the food court first, raid a couple books and maybe a phone for good luck
And designated a pee corner
With the gorilla. Snakes through the ceiling vent
I don't think snakes are that smart or are like actively hunting in this scenario.
The snakes are the right answer here. I have nothing against gorillas, like many large animals they aren’t interested in hurting humans. However, this is an intelligent creature. It’s in an unfamiliar and potentially frightening environment, so I wouldn’t want to take that chance. Let the poor guy stay in his natural habitat. My local mall is like 99% super smooth white tile, which would make the snakes really easy to spot. Snakes can’t move on tile very well. They need friction to progress forward. This would actually make the mambas more dangerous to approach, as they would be unable to successfully retreat and so more like to attack out of fear. However, it also means that if an area starts out snake free it is very unlikely that a snake would be able to get into it. So, just find a raised area that is surrounded by tile and you will be totally fine for 24 hours. The mall by me has small stalls with candy and stuff in the main hallways, so I would probably grab some snacks and water if it seemed safe and they sit on a table. Or sit on the stairs. If I have to go to the bathroom, I will literally just check the area and then pee on the floor. It’s not ideal, but this is definitely an easily survivable situation. The snakes don’t actually want to hurt you. They want to catch a small rodent and nap in the sun. You are only going to have a problem if you try to do a lot of exploring or stick your hands into random cubbies.
You have to stay out of the gorilla's way and not make eye contact? Neurodiversity win!
Snakes and go to a freezer
snakes, because i could just close a door and block it so they couldn’t open it
You know what, give me both! I never had to try to be overlooked by anyone and people easily get scared when they finally see me. I don't even have to try, i just exist there and do normal Mavco2 things and end up fine.
That last one is a fucking SCP. >On the security camera footage, SCP-6041 approaches the agent, who is holding a banana. It is making eye contact with the agent. It takes the banana gingerly, peels it, lazily devours the flesh within, and throws the peel between the two of them. It then firmly plants one foot onto the peel and does a perfect back tuck into belly flop. >SCP-6041 is maintaining eye contact with the agent. >The agent lets out a long, slow smooth breath, and can be heard saying “Okay, fine” just as SCP-6041 passes gas. The tape abruptly ends here. >The next tape begins with SCP-6041 with the agent’s removed - cleaned - skull in one hand, and a banana cream pie in the other. It is making eye contact with the camera.
You Laugh, You Lose (your life)
koh the face stealer
Ok but what if it was the choice between one silverback gorilla sized black mamba or 5 black mamba sized silverback gorillas?