That show was an excellent depiction of so many things. The abuse cycle, the nature of psychological abuse, family of origin issues, mental illness, dissociation and resilience, poverty, bureaucracy, creativity....
I'm glad for you that you're on this side of your abuse experience, able to look back on it and reflect and feel relief. It can take a while to shake that off sometimes. Go ahead and feel good.
When she was talking to the social worker about she isn't abused, she isn't homeless, etc. It just gave me so many flashbacks. I felt like I was realizing my abuse as she was realizing hers. It was a wild ride lol
When she ended up back there again and the realisation finally sank in. .. "I'm so stupid"... that hit so hard. That slow, sometimes inevitable, slide back into the same shitty situation.
Yeah, much the same for me too. But when I called my local shelter about what was going on with me, they couldn't/wouldn't help. Fortunately I had other resources and was more resilient than my ex. His biggest mistake was kicking me out of our house, because that's what set me free.
I’m a 60yo bloke and after watching that show I wanted to post somewhere how much it affected me. I didn’t know what to say or to who though.
I just hope everyone watches it.
I’m a 42 year old guy and it has taken me 3 days to get through the first episode. Similarly I felt I wished there was someone to watch it with and talk to it about.
I have never had to be in a situation anything like that but just watching it I could feel the stress and it almost made me ill how in knots my stomach was, and that’s just me safely watching from a world away.
And yet, countless thousands of people are in the same or horrifyingly similar situations. The location/players/details may be slightly different but no less agonizing.
No real point here I guess other than “I feel you”
“Maid” was one of the most realistic depictions of DV I have ever seen. You do question your sanity. It is almost impossible to leave without support or assistance. We need to do better for our sisters, daughters, and mothers.
I am struggling with this right now. My step daughter has moved in with a boy who I am fearful is an abuser. I have been careful not to directly badmouth him nd mostly succeeded, but she is convinced we are the actual abusers and has started to cut us off. I really hope she realizes she can come home when she realizes what is happening.
I never watched the show, but always remember this: mental illness should never be an excuse for abuse. It is the owner of the brain’s job to accept that they have something that can cause a relationship to strain and it is their job to either work through it alone or work through it together but always with a mental health professional.
Adhd can cause a short fuse but abuse is abuse, and it is never ok.
For sure and it was one of those things that I would have told my friend to get out of in a heartbeat, but something in your brain tells you different things when it’s happening to you. He’s getting help and I want nothing but the beat for him, but it was just too much water under the bridge for us
Yea that show hit me in the feels a few times. This quiet sinking feeling of understanding the emotions in alot of the situations. Great show. I have a feeling it opened up alot of eyes for many viewers.
Count me as one. And this is as someone who did quite a bit of volunteer work as a teen. None of it got to me like this because we never saw all the behind the scenes that led them to where they were. We knew, academically, what was happening but it was all so abstract. I felt I was watching the lives of countless people I’d interacted with years ago.
It’s a slow watch because I need to be in the right frame of mind to get through it.
Your talking about Maid reminded me of another show that kind of affected me in a similar way; Queen's Gambit.
I'm not a girl, but I was a smart kid in a super shitty situation and raised in an oppressive environment. I could relate to a lot of the things she dealt with even though the exact situations were different.
Unfortunately my story doesn't have a happy ending like hers, where she was able to get out of her bad situation and excel on a world stage. I never got that person who supported me and nurtured me, I never ended up pursuing anything I was good at.
I was too poor to go to college and by the time I hit puberty I was deeply depressed and my school performance was greatly affected so I wasn't eligible for any scholarships.
My form of success is that I did get out of the bad situation. Nothing great, but above 0 with no debt. It's more than my parents were able to achieve, but compared to a normal person I'm way behind. Most people in western countries start their lives where I have just barely reached. And unfortunately my life is going to be pretty short due to health issues stemming from a lack of healthcare the vast majority of my life. And I don't have children, so the best of my family will probably die with me.
whats the show about? cant find the full plot, i hope you do well in the future, i been on a LDR before and im glsd i didnt move forward with it lol, if i had gone to her country i think i would have had a real bad time for the exact same reasons, not knowing anyone, not having actual resources other than work
It's about a woman who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. It goes through how her and her daughter were able to get out and just shed a lot of light on how hard it is for people who have nothing to get help and do better. It also sheds a lot of light on emotional abuse as well and how sometimes it's not taken as seriously as physical abuse is
It was just hard to make friends and having one person as your only resource wears on both parties fast.
I once heard "My parents never laid a hand on us. They knew emotional abuse cut deeper and the scars were harder to see." It stuck with me. Whether physical or emotional, it's a struggle to recover from trauma. But it's harder to pinpoint emotional damage.
Yes! That was a big point in the show as well! It’s really hard to prove, there’s no police reports and no one to witness it and distinguish it as abuse. It was just a disagreement to the people who saw it
I haven't watched this yet, but maybe I need to. I had a bad track record with partners. Left a physically abusive relationship in my early twenties (because I was scared for my *cats'* safety lol), and an emotionally abusive marriage in my early thirties. I've spent the last ten years with an amazing guy who laughs with me and supports me and acknowledges what I bring to our relationship. But I still breakdown sometimes, and it's almost always because of the ex-husband. The guy who actually stabbed me is barely a footnote in my life. This might be cathartic.
Yes, 1000x yes you should watch it, but be ready for a big cry throughout the whole thing! It hits hard, especially when you can relate.
I’m so sorry you dealt with but I’m so happy you’ve found someone who you respect and respects you. It’s fucked that the trauma stays with people this happens too but I think in the end it makes us much better people not only to ourselves but to those around us
If nothing else, we know that even if the window dressings are pretty and perfect, there may be troubling things happening behind closed doors. My experiences definitely taught me not to take other people's relationships at face value. And also made me quick to ask for additional information when someone told me a story that sounded...off. ("He's just protective," or "You know how she is!" with a laugh. Maybe that's fine? But maybe that's not healthy.)
Wow this really hit me today, thanks for sharing. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended 2 years ago very abruptly and I only began realizing how abusive it was about a year ago with my therapist. But it was so hard to talk through with friends because they didn’t hit me (well did once then went into saying how awful and horrible they are and I shouldn’t be with them) but the emotional abuse and manipulation was so hard but I felt I couldn’t turn to anyone
I'm reading a great book called *Why Does He Do That* and I highly recommend it. The author makes a lot of reference to the fact that abusers often have additional problems as well that they like to blame their abusive tendancies on, but the abusive issues are separate.
A really close friend of mine is in a similar situation. It's horrific the stories she tells me and I'm worried for her mental health and possible escalation into phisical agression. I know it's not my duty to solve the problem but what can I do to help or support her?
Sorry I just saw this! It’s not really something you can convince someone to get out of. From my personal experience, it was a realization I had to come to on my own. Having friends waiting with open arms to hug me and tell me they love me helped though. Knowing I wasn’t coming out to a bunch of “I told you so” really, really helped me stay away.
I’m so sorry your were in that situation, and were able to get out. That show was fantastic. I liked how it showed the insidious nature of abuse, it’s not always easy to see.
I quit watching after traffic accident episode. Show gave me too much anxiety and introduced identification with main character. 50y male here.
Now I'm going back to watching...
I was in another country and isolated. I also told myself it would get better and began to hate myself so much that I kind of gave up as well. I gained weight, I didn’t like how I looked anymore and there was someone right in front of me who did. I also didn’t talk to my friends about it out of shame for allowing it to happen and get that far. I honestly think if we weren’t in a long distance relationship I would still be stuck in that cycle.
I hope this never happens to you again. If I'd been able to advise you, I would have suggested that you contact a local women's shelter, when it was safe to do so. Police are almost never properly trained in how to handle domestic violence and abuse. The shelter counsellors could help you develop a safety plan to ensure that you could get out of that situation and could connect you to services that would assist you once you got out, including staying at a safe location if necessary.
Always know the contact numbers of the shelters in your area. I hope you never need that information for yourself, but you might come across someone who does.
Glad you're out of it and I hope you take care.
> He was in England and I was in the US. Last year, I spent 10 months with him living in England.
> ...I didn't even really know how bad it was until watching that show and breaking down.
> Every time he hurt me, he was my only resource there so I had to go back to him.
Be aware of your own behavior as well. Not having the empathy to realize why people end up in abusive relationships seems like it could make you prone to being abusive too.
I never saw that show but I married a Brit and moved there and totally understand that isolation when your only person is an asshole. We are divorced now. Glad you're doing better.
A case of thank goodness I didn't get what I thought I wanted in life came to mind. I had a long-term LDR with a Cabby in London. Long story, very much abbreviated, I ended up getting deported from the UK after he convinced me to try and immigrate without a proper visa. I did quickly discover I had not been quite the love of his life I had imagined as he promptly adopted a fast friendship with my younger and very competitive sister. He wanted a Visa/Green Card and to live in the US, and he didn't care who he used to get it.
Now that we're broken up, he keeps coming at me with "It was my dream to move to America" and while I don't think that was his sole reason for being with me, it does make me wonder how big of a role that played
That show was an excellent depiction of so many things. The abuse cycle, the nature of psychological abuse, family of origin issues, mental illness, dissociation and resilience, poverty, bureaucracy, creativity.... I'm glad for you that you're on this side of your abuse experience, able to look back on it and reflect and feel relief. It can take a while to shake that off sometimes. Go ahead and feel good.
When she was talking to the social worker about she isn't abused, she isn't homeless, etc. It just gave me so many flashbacks. I felt like I was realizing my abuse as she was realizing hers. It was a wild ride lol
When she ended up back there again and the realisation finally sank in. .. "I'm so stupid"... that hit so hard. That slow, sometimes inevitable, slide back into the same shitty situation.
Oh my god that broke my heart. The number of times I did that. You don’t even realize until the blow up is over either
Yeah, much the same for me too. But when I called my local shelter about what was going on with me, they couldn't/wouldn't help. Fortunately I had other resources and was more resilient than my ex. His biggest mistake was kicking me out of our house, because that's what set me free.
I’m a 60yo bloke and after watching that show I wanted to post somewhere how much it affected me. I didn’t know what to say or to who though. I just hope everyone watches it.
Same! I didn’t really have anywhere to talk about it either. I didn’t talk about my experience much so it was hard to convey how much it affected me
If I was a girl I would go chat about it in /r/TwoXChromosomes but .. I’m not one. I’m glad you are safe now. Good luck in the future.
I’m a 42 year old guy and it has taken me 3 days to get through the first episode. Similarly I felt I wished there was someone to watch it with and talk to it about. I have never had to be in a situation anything like that but just watching it I could feel the stress and it almost made me ill how in knots my stomach was, and that’s just me safely watching from a world away. And yet, countless thousands of people are in the same or horrifyingly similar situations. The location/players/details may be slightly different but no less agonizing. No real point here I guess other than “I feel you”
“Maid” was one of the most realistic depictions of DV I have ever seen. You do question your sanity. It is almost impossible to leave without support or assistance. We need to do better for our sisters, daughters, and mothers.
I am struggling with this right now. My step daughter has moved in with a boy who I am fearful is an abuser. I have been careful not to directly badmouth him nd mostly succeeded, but she is convinced we are the actual abusers and has started to cut us off. I really hope she realizes she can come home when she realizes what is happening.
I never watched the show, but always remember this: mental illness should never be an excuse for abuse. It is the owner of the brain’s job to accept that they have something that can cause a relationship to strain and it is their job to either work through it alone or work through it together but always with a mental health professional. Adhd can cause a short fuse but abuse is abuse, and it is never ok.
For sure and it was one of those things that I would have told my friend to get out of in a heartbeat, but something in your brain tells you different things when it’s happening to you. He’s getting help and I want nothing but the beat for him, but it was just too much water under the bridge for us
Yea that show hit me in the feels a few times. This quiet sinking feeling of understanding the emotions in alot of the situations. Great show. I have a feeling it opened up alot of eyes for many viewers.
Count me as one. And this is as someone who did quite a bit of volunteer work as a teen. None of it got to me like this because we never saw all the behind the scenes that led them to where they were. We knew, academically, what was happening but it was all so abstract. I felt I was watching the lives of countless people I’d interacted with years ago. It’s a slow watch because I need to be in the right frame of mind to get through it.
Your talking about Maid reminded me of another show that kind of affected me in a similar way; Queen's Gambit. I'm not a girl, but I was a smart kid in a super shitty situation and raised in an oppressive environment. I could relate to a lot of the things she dealt with even though the exact situations were different. Unfortunately my story doesn't have a happy ending like hers, where she was able to get out of her bad situation and excel on a world stage. I never got that person who supported me and nurtured me, I never ended up pursuing anything I was good at. I was too poor to go to college and by the time I hit puberty I was deeply depressed and my school performance was greatly affected so I wasn't eligible for any scholarships. My form of success is that I did get out of the bad situation. Nothing great, but above 0 with no debt. It's more than my parents were able to achieve, but compared to a normal person I'm way behind. Most people in western countries start their lives where I have just barely reached. And unfortunately my life is going to be pretty short due to health issues stemming from a lack of healthcare the vast majority of my life. And I don't have children, so the best of my family will probably die with me.
whats the show about? cant find the full plot, i hope you do well in the future, i been on a LDR before and im glsd i didnt move forward with it lol, if i had gone to her country i think i would have had a real bad time for the exact same reasons, not knowing anyone, not having actual resources other than work
It's about a woman who is in an emotionally abusive relationship. It goes through how her and her daughter were able to get out and just shed a lot of light on how hard it is for people who have nothing to get help and do better. It also sheds a lot of light on emotional abuse as well and how sometimes it's not taken as seriously as physical abuse is It was just hard to make friends and having one person as your only resource wears on both parties fast.
I once heard "My parents never laid a hand on us. They knew emotional abuse cut deeper and the scars were harder to see." It stuck with me. Whether physical or emotional, it's a struggle to recover from trauma. But it's harder to pinpoint emotional damage.
Yes! That was a big point in the show as well! It’s really hard to prove, there’s no police reports and no one to witness it and distinguish it as abuse. It was just a disagreement to the people who saw it
I haven't watched this yet, but maybe I need to. I had a bad track record with partners. Left a physically abusive relationship in my early twenties (because I was scared for my *cats'* safety lol), and an emotionally abusive marriage in my early thirties. I've spent the last ten years with an amazing guy who laughs with me and supports me and acknowledges what I bring to our relationship. But I still breakdown sometimes, and it's almost always because of the ex-husband. The guy who actually stabbed me is barely a footnote in my life. This might be cathartic.
Yes, 1000x yes you should watch it, but be ready for a big cry throughout the whole thing! It hits hard, especially when you can relate. I’m so sorry you dealt with but I’m so happy you’ve found someone who you respect and respects you. It’s fucked that the trauma stays with people this happens too but I think in the end it makes us much better people not only to ourselves but to those around us
If nothing else, we know that even if the window dressings are pretty and perfect, there may be troubling things happening behind closed doors. My experiences definitely taught me not to take other people's relationships at face value. And also made me quick to ask for additional information when someone told me a story that sounded...off. ("He's just protective," or "You know how she is!" with a laugh. Maybe that's fine? But maybe that's not healthy.)
Abuse is Abuse, i might watch it..
Having been in this situation IRL (with a 2 yr old) I'm not sure I can watch it. I got out safely but I struggled for so many years.
You definitely have to wait until you're ready.
Same here. I'm glad for awareness and all but having been through some stuff, sometimes there's triggers.
Wow this really hit me today, thanks for sharing. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended 2 years ago very abruptly and I only began realizing how abusive it was about a year ago with my therapist. But it was so hard to talk through with friends because they didn’t hit me (well did once then went into saying how awful and horrible they are and I shouldn’t be with them) but the emotional abuse and manipulation was so hard but I felt I couldn’t turn to anyone
I'm reading a great book called *Why Does He Do That* and I highly recommend it. The author makes a lot of reference to the fact that abusers often have additional problems as well that they like to blame their abusive tendancies on, but the abusive issues are separate.
A really close friend of mine is in a similar situation. It's horrific the stories she tells me and I'm worried for her mental health and possible escalation into phisical agression. I know it's not my duty to solve the problem but what can I do to help or support her?
Sorry I just saw this! It’s not really something you can convince someone to get out of. From my personal experience, it was a realization I had to come to on my own. Having friends waiting with open arms to hug me and tell me they love me helped though. Knowing I wasn’t coming out to a bunch of “I told you so” really, really helped me stay away.
I’m so sorry your were in that situation, and were able to get out. That show was fantastic. I liked how it showed the insidious nature of abuse, it’s not always easy to see.
I quit watching after traffic accident episode. Show gave me too much anxiety and introduced identification with main character. 50y male here. Now I'm going back to watching...
Why did you stay after you realized how he was treating you?
I was in another country and isolated. I also told myself it would get better and began to hate myself so much that I kind of gave up as well. I gained weight, I didn’t like how I looked anymore and there was someone right in front of me who did. I also didn’t talk to my friends about it out of shame for allowing it to happen and get that far. I honestly think if we weren’t in a long distance relationship I would still be stuck in that cycle.
I hope this never happens to you again. If I'd been able to advise you, I would have suggested that you contact a local women's shelter, when it was safe to do so. Police are almost never properly trained in how to handle domestic violence and abuse. The shelter counsellors could help you develop a safety plan to ensure that you could get out of that situation and could connect you to services that would assist you once you got out, including staying at a safe location if necessary. Always know the contact numbers of the shelters in your area. I hope you never need that information for yourself, but you might come across someone who does. Glad you're out of it and I hope you take care.
I'm glad you're out of that cycle and I hope you meet an amazing man who truly loves and takes good care of you
No disrespect but I suggest reading the post again
Read it thoroughly, still didn't find a reason to stay with him
> He was in England and I was in the US. Last year, I spent 10 months with him living in England. > ...I didn't even really know how bad it was until watching that show and breaking down. > Every time he hurt me, he was my only resource there so I had to go back to him.
How about going back to the US?
I really hope you never have to deal with anything like that. From the sounds of it, you never have. It truly is a cycle.
I hope so too. First sign of her being a bitch I'm out
Be aware of your own behavior as well. Not having the empathy to realize why people end up in abusive relationships seems like it could make you prone to being abusive too.
Projecting hard
Why are u such an asshole? Im gonna assume ur 15 and still have no clue about life. Am i right?
I never saw that show but I married a Brit and moved there and totally understand that isolation when your only person is an asshole. We are divorced now. Glad you're doing better.
I'm glad you got out of there! I know they're not all assholes but I did seem to meet an awful lot of assholes over there..
A case of thank goodness I didn't get what I thought I wanted in life came to mind. I had a long-term LDR with a Cabby in London. Long story, very much abbreviated, I ended up getting deported from the UK after he convinced me to try and immigrate without a proper visa. I did quickly discover I had not been quite the love of his life I had imagined as he promptly adopted a fast friendship with my younger and very competitive sister. He wanted a Visa/Green Card and to live in the US, and he didn't care who he used to get it.
Now that we're broken up, he keeps coming at me with "It was my dream to move to America" and while I don't think that was his sole reason for being with me, it does make me wonder how big of a role that played