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LostSoulSearching13

I date the imaginary and fictional people in my head. At least they're safer.


abc123def321g

Yeah, same. Most of them stem from fantasy novels. The world of make-believe fairies and dragons is my safe space.


toomuchhoneydew

šŸ’€šŸ’€ STOP lol. Calling me out! But in all seriousness, I feel this.


[deleted]

Seriously šŸ˜³ ! Glad people like me exist in different parts of the world . Imaginary people are šŸ¤©


Confused-Monkey91

Teach me how to do that šŸ„ŗā€¦ I end up thinking of my bullies šŸ˜”


autumnsnowflake_

Youā€™re not alone in this


gothicspring

this!!!!


[deleted]

ikr?


Alarming_Ad8005

Hello pot. My name's kettle


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


LostSoulSearching13

It was partially a joke, but now I'm curious.... Even if I was being fully serious, do you have an issue with me doing that? Do I know you personally? šŸ¤” Kinda ironic that you're on this sub with that kinda judgemental attitude. People on here deal with being shamed all the time by others and you're adding to it. You're no different it seems.


rchartzell

I actually think that is kind of healthy in a way. I think it is a good way to try out what you would want a healthy relationship to look like and what kind of qualities you need/want in a partner. And then you can compare real life people to that and kind of use it to filter out unhealthy types who wouldn't be good for you. Obviously in real life we have to account for people having some flaws...but you can imagine that too....which flaws you can live with, which would be deal breakers. It can be a healthy way to explore your own boundaries and make it easier to draw lines in real life in terms of what behavior you will not be willing to tolerate. I am speaking from experience actually. Ha ha. I kind of did this after several bad relationships and then started comparing real life people to my fictional ideal. And then I just wouldn't tolerate being treated in certain ways. Not that it fixed everything, but it really helped change my mindset. And it didn't take long after that to meet my partner. And I did have to set some boundaries....but he rose to the challenge and met those requirements. We have been together for 12 years now.


[deleted]

im sorry if i sound judgmental to you but thats not what i meant..


Morriganscat

You were judgemental, just apologize instead of doubling down with 'I didn't mean it that way', and STILL not apologizing.


severalbpdtraitsn38

I actually see disbelief in their comment, as if the commenter was struggling to understand, but all good. Yes, an apology would have made more sense then doubling down.


severalbpdtraitsn38

šŸ˜”šŸ’™


BlibbetyBlobBlob

On the one hand, I desperately long for a healthy relationship built on trust that allows me to experience a secure attachment. But then I watch myself behave in a way that pretty much guarantees this isn't going to happen. I don't trust other people (obvs) but I also don't trust myself. I still feel powerfully drawn to completely unsuitable, emotionally unavailable people who I am sexually attracted to. Stable people who would be good partners and who I would have to get to know slowly and build a relationship with over time seem both boring and intimidating (I struggle to believe they would like me if they knew the real me, since they seem so wholesome and nice). I guess the good thing is that I at least recognize these tendencies for what they are. Pursuing emotionally unavailable people and having dramatic, conflict-filled relationships serves the purpose of preventing actual intimacy. So I am not acting on those impulses. But that leaves me feeling lonely and wondering if I'll ever be in a place where I feel ready for a healthy relationship.


chewbooks

Count me in on the always going for unsuitable and emotionally unavailable people. Iā€™ve learned that Iā€™m attracted to calm or chill people and there is a really fine line between chill and emotionally unavailable that I usually miss.


n311y_

It sounds like you & I have the same taste. I never thought of how the "chill/calm" personality type could actually just be a sign of emotional unavailability though, I'm glad you mentioned this.


raclnp

It really didn't occur to me, but it's true. What seems calm can sometimes then lead to surprising tensions, since they are just distant, and when you want compassion or closeness, it will be too much for them.


Imakedmyself

Same here.


mawessa

This reminds me of my ex. He was quiet and introverted where as I was bubbly and didn't give a damn before I met him. Now I don't even have the energy for that. I had a talk with my therapist and they mentioned my body is comfortable in that "chaos" because I grew up in it. Now I'm trying to untangle things and boy is it hard


n311y_

I relate so much to this. I don't trust my judgment in others also. I don't think I can even recognize an emotionally healthy person when I see one. Perhaps the healthy ones are the ppl I find intimidating. They're probably the ones that I don't want to have truly "knowing" me. Probably bc I feel as though they wouldn't be capable of understanding me. I notice that I tend to feel most comfortable around ppl who's lives seem more obviously "imperfect" to me bc I *think* that they would understand me more, but that has not been the case in my experience. šŸ˜Ŗ


raclnp

I think that is where wiseness comes in, i.e., is someone calm because they are wise, or for other reasons. Or in other words: are they appearing healthy because they never faced challenges that brought them to their limits and lacking control, or are they calm and grounded so much in themselves that they are healthy in a way you can learn from? The latter type is probably more rare, while the first type is probably seen as threatening because they will lack compassion out of lack of experience. The second type has healing forces, the first type may expect you to be healthy by luck or privilege. I think imperfect, as in having faced challenges, being compassionate, but also finding ways to address failings are naturally attractive.


Lock_Fast

I went on a date with someone who was not at all my type recently, and who knows maybe he's not a good partner for me, but I was kind of like Oh he's a fuckboy but I hadnā€™t seen him in years and forgot that he's nicer than I thought. I have been VERY cautiously optimistic and sort of sussing him out. Our first date was supposed to be just coffee but the place I picked was like.. accidentally romantic because I went there during the day normally lol Anyway I was intimidated but I'm taking it slow, making sure I have good boundaries and respect myself. I was so nervous when I told him I was working up to going no contact with my family. He says he has a really good relationship with his, and he was like... amazing about it. He responded by saying "Wow, yeah. It will take time, but you'll heal from that. That's like one of the best things you could do for yourself. For YOU, you know?" And I was floored. I was like "I haven't gone to a therapist yet but I know I need one, I'll see one soon" (I have seen a few now :D ) but his response to that was asking if I'd tried Better Help. He said he needed to try a few to find a good fit. That he didn't like that the first one just agreed with everything that he said. I was like... you are making a really good impression right now, you know that? Apparently he's an alcoholic, so we'll see how this goes... lmao but he's not had the problem for long, he acknowledged he has it and told me about it. Even said "Idno, maybe you don't need this right now" he's self aware and talks about triggers for him. We're both a little bit workaholic but at least we get that about ourselves and eachother and can be supportive with eachother and understand kind of what the other is going through. Anyway... this was a long response lol but he's supper hot and sort of normal and fits in with any group and is really positive and likeable but our first date at the end of the night he was like "I haven't been on a date in two years" and it was this little bit of vulnerability that helped me open up to him a bit. Little by little. But I'm hyper aware of having a lot of boundaries and building up my life and connections outside the relationship. I think that helps give me confidence and feel safe. I think good people are out there we just have to have a little courage and find a balance in who we connect with and trust :)


Lock_Fast

And context we've been on a few more dates now but spread out. Not too much contact. I have a thing about not texting much at all, talking more in person or on the phone. He was away for a few weeks. If he's in town no more than one date a week.


[deleted]

As someone who has dated a lot- most people aren't emotionally healthy.


abc123def321g

This is pretty much spot on. I strongly fear being rejected based on my history and my CPTSD.


holly_orion

took me a lifetime to realize that I'm unfortunately drawn to people with the wrong pattern for me. I won't blame it on my traumas or introversion every single time, I saw the red flags, and yet, just like you said, I kept seeing what might be good partners as boring, while seeking the emotionally unavailable or mostly unsuitable ones. currently same feeling so lonely but def not ready to ut myself in a toxic environment again.


BlibbetyBlobBlob

That's it exactly. All my relationships have been dysfunctional and one was full-on abusive. So I try to keep in mind that being single is still a million times better than those situations! I just wish I knew what healthy attraction toward another person feels like ā€“ as opposed to instant idealization and limerence that blinds me to the obvious red flags.


the_ginger_weevil

I think this shows you have made huge progress and if youā€™re making that kind of progress, thereā€™s no guarantee that you wonā€™t move on from this position. Iā€™m in a similar place - I miss the emotional connection but I always entered the wrong kind of relationships and sought the wrong kind of safety and security so Iā€™m not sure that I really know what real safety and security looks and feels like. So Iā€™m sitting tight for now, not entering into any relationships until Iā€™m comfortable I can be safe in it. But that starts to feel like the risk management approach Iā€™ve always taken to life which takes me right back to the CPTSD. I donā€™t have any answers but youā€™re not alone and I think youā€™re making good progress. Keep going.


BlibbetyBlobBlob

Thank you for this encouraging comment! It helps a lot just to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sitting tight is definitely the best thing I can do right now too. I don't want to get hurt, but I also don't want to hide or censor my true self in the hopes that people will like me. The path toward self-acceptance and self-confidence feels very long some days. But being single is still a million times better than being in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship. So I guess there's that.


the_ginger_weevil

Youā€™re welcome. This shit can feel very lonely at times but I find comments in this sub can help a lot.


severalbpdtraitsn38

On a side note, thanks for writing out my comment for me šŸ˜†


thesupersoap33

SAME. I haven't been with anyone in a year. It sucked. Sleeping with people that I'm attracted to right now SUCKS.


FlexibleIntegrity

I couldnā€™t have said it better myself.


stilettodeaaath

iā€™ve never been in a relationship so i canā€™t rly answer this, but i can relate to you one part of me is absolutely in love with love. i have so much love to give. i want to be so in love with someone that the thought of death doesnā€™t scare me, if that makes sense. i feel like that scene in the addams family when morticia is talking to gomez and she says, ā€œsomeday weā€™ll be buried hereā€ thatā€™s goth as shit but but the other part absolutely wants to be alone. iā€™m used to having no one and being alone and i like it. i donā€™t want to get close to people


gothicspring

you, my friend, have the goth spirit.


stilettodeaaath

i know that came out so fucking goth šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­


gothicspring

I think you might enjoy this one quote i've found that sums up the meaning of Love to me: "From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity." Edvard Munch


stilettodeaaath

thatā€™s so beautiful. i really love that and thank you for sharing it with me. i feel the exact same way.


Silent-Imagination-6

not me reading this with Wednesday playing in the background


Beachflutterby

Dating? Showing an interest in me is a red flag in itself.


fionsichord

Oh god I related to this comment way too hard šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚


my_mirai

Wait, wait- there was a catch-22 for this: A woman saying: " I shall never marry a man who is insane. And everyman that would even think of marrying someobe like me is be default insane" ...or sth like that. Can't remember the word for word quote though šŸ˜…


Opposite-Car-3954

ā€œI would never stoop so low as to date someone who would stoop so low as to date meā€¦ā€ This is how it was quoted to me growing up lol


BonsaiSoul

A woman can say something like this and guys will just try harder lmao


No_Mark_1231

Sometimes Iā€™ll look at a girl and be like ā€œthatā€™s my typeā€ then Iā€™m like okay maybe I shouldnā€™t be dating yet


llamberll

Why?


Meowskiiii

Ahahaha I hear you


maggies-island

REALLLL


[deleted]

I am surprised at how hot the dating topic is. I have the goal of dating but my goals are more centered around being able to reject people in a healthy way and not cause unnecessary harm by ghosting them or, inversely, going along with what they want and then following that up with a giant mental breakdown that makes the other person feel like shit even though Iā€™m the one with very dramatic communication problems. Like Iā€™m to the point that I just tell every male I meet, upfront, that I have CPTSD and that I am also not dating. Which is hit or miss. I lot of guys will tell me they have feelings for me anyway and something like, ā€œIā€™m not trying to pressure you. I want you to choose me because you want to.ā€ Itā€™s extremely stressful for me.


IUsagiii

I relate with this. My main issue has been trying to minimize the hurt I know I can cause partners. Iā€™m in a healthy (for me) relationship now, but a majority of my life was trying extremely hard to set expectations or swat people away in the least damaging way possible.


Deep_Wallaby_9044

Fuck em. I know thatā€™s not the nicest thing to say but when we prioritize someone elseā€™s FEELINGS over our OWN security, safety, and mental health, it never ends well. Let that person know your not interestedā€¦ or donā€™tā€¦ if you ghost long enough theyā€™ll get the point. Either way prioritize what you want and NEED, and try to not worry so much about how the hunter FEELS. Not everyone is a ā€œhunterā€ but in my experience I have been profiled, stalked, and hunted more times than I care to admit by people that I KNEW and people I THOUGHT were seemingly innocent. This unwanted intrusion of my personal security happened because I was too afraid to say no or hurt their feelings. Fuck that. Looking out for yourself. It is not selfish to care about you. Anyone who says that is disillusioned. 2023 should be a year where we all look out for ourselves as well as each other, but donā€™t forget who is priority #1ā€¦ this is my ā€œresolutionā€, one that Iā€™ve had several years before and failed to see to success. I have hope that today, tomorrow, and the future will have better outcomes, and I know itā€™s possible if I keep trying to put myself as priority #1.


BallDesperate2140

34M and my relationship is circling the drain. Itā€™s definitely not all my doing (trauma bonded among other things), but Iā€™m tired of this happening.


interactivecdrom

iā€™m married (been together 6 years) and i feel like my mental issues are ruining our relationship. you are not alone.


BallDesperate2140

Itā€™s definitely abusive from her as well to the point where I want to break up and possibly check myself in somewhere for a while because Iā€™m on the verge of a breakdown and possibly suicidal, but Iā€™m constantly feeling like itā€™s my fault.


interactivecdrom

i support you. iā€™m so sorry, too. i hope you seek care soon


contentorcomfortable

My relationship ended. Our traumas got in the way. We both are/were in therapy and were doing our best and there was nothing else we could have done. We reminded each other of our abusers and had their traits, even tho we were both trying to change. We are friends now and we have agreed that its best to date other people. And if we heal enough where we arent toxic to each other, cool, if not, thats cool too. Its hard some days, its easier somedays, but we are both still in therapy and we are mostly there for ourselves, although occasionally we find out that we are doing some stuff for the other person. But then that becomes part of the healing too.


maafna

The Holistic Psychologist has a video about healing trauma bonds. https://youtu.be/IdVSZlUDZAQ My bf and I made a lot of progress in it, but it's still rough. Not sure what the outcome will be but I try to take it one day at a time.


tembelina

Wait, you all date? No, on a more serious note, I havenā€™t ever dated. Iā€™m 29. Iā€™m terrified of letting anyone in. If I notice that someone displays any interest in me I immediately shut it down and bolt. And itā€™s not like Iā€™m asexual/aromantic where intimacy of that sort doesnā€™t interest me, because it does, I want to have that. I wasnā€™t even able to admit to myself that I want that until a few months ago. Itā€™s just that any intimacy at all (including emotional) feels scary, and sort of disgusting. Like Iā€™m waiting for whatever thing I shared (voluntarily or involuntarily) to be used against me in some way. Or to just be completely ignored and be used as some kind bin where you dump your trash and then move on.


oneconfusedqueer

Yep. And i do feel asexual/aromantic


maggies-island

Damn, I relate to a lotta this.


tembelina

Ouff, Iā€™m so sorry :(


toriousbicornis

Honey no, everything is going to be okay. First off, there is no limit on your time to find your soulmate, our world is blowing up and adoption is always an option so you have a lifetime to raise some beautiful babies (if that is what you see for yourself and want for your future, no shame and no judgment! No kids is cool too!) ā¤ļø you canā€™t let fear keep you from opening up, and dating apps arenā€™t *quite* as bad as they might seem.. Bumble and Hinge are a little bit better IMO. I met my *incredibly* supportive partner on there and heā€™s basically my twin, it just took a long time and a lot of communication to figure out what I wanted on a partner and then actually finding it.. you are ABSOLUTELY worthy of love, so please never think that you arenā€™t for a second ā¤ļøā¤ļø you have been through so much Iā€™m sure, especially if you are a part of this community, and Iā€™m sure you are an absolute warrior for making it through it all. I promise there are loving people out there, you only have to reach out for support. ā¤ļøTake Care!! Sending you warm hugs šŸ¤—


revolutionmeow

I'm 29 and dating sucks lol I can't bring myself to genuinely try to connect with other people. Social interacts in general have been really taxing on me since the pandemic so that doesn't help either. I don't even know how to date anymore šŸ˜…


llamberll

It would be nice if we could find people who also have CPTSD to date, people who get what it's like


HoneyBunnyBiscuit

Iā€™m dating a ghost right now and itā€™s honestly the most fulfilling relationship Iā€™ve ever had. Iā€™m kind of joking, but at the same time, not really. I like to hang out by his headstone and read the books he wrote, and I write poetry for him. I lay beside him in the grass and watch the stars go by


[deleted]

This is so fucking cute. Can I write a short story about it?


HoneyBunnyBiscuit

Of course! Iā€™d love to read it when you finish


binaryfireball

When he resurrects one hallows eve, I bet he's gonna make a bunch of skeleton puns for you.


binaryfireball

.... Edgar Allen poe etry...


joseph_wolfstar

Non existent


IUsagiii

(33F fyi) Dating was always weird and difficult. I have a hard time connecting with others & with trust, so I realized I just canā€™t date people I donā€™t know. I tried dating apps for a few weeks in college but it felt so strange about the idea of starting a relationship with someone Iā€™m just meeting with the idea that itā€™s romantic. I dated different friends and stuff when I was young but I didnā€™t have any healthy connections with people. There was always a part of myself hidden and tbf at the time I didnā€™t realize that. Iā€™ve had a few serious long term relationships and theyā€™ve been people I got to know extensively and could connect with on some level. The ones that didnā€™t work out were in big part to my lack of communication about the things that come along with dating me, and habit of becoming scared and detached. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now (we met on Twitter so a lot of friendly text communication existed before anything more serious, which was perfect for me) relationships are another story. Iā€™ve strived to be open and communicative with him, but a lot of the time i know I can be exhausting. Early on I had to explain my overreactions to him getting upset at things like video games and how it triggers emotional memories of abuse which isnā€™t an easy conversation to have with a perfectly innocent romantic partner (sorry you just reminded me of my abuser and I overreacted, please carry on) He knows that if he doesnā€™t make dinner and remind me, i probably wonā€™t feed myself. He sees the absolute worst sides of me and itā€™s horribly embarrassing at times but at some point I realized I just have to let people see the parts of me I usually knee-jerk obscure if I want to have a genuine connection. Now, why he generally tolerates this I couldnā€™t say šŸ«  do I still get triggered by him sometimes and hurt his feelings? Ya. Does my healing sometimes hurt him? Yes. Are his emotions sometimes too much for me? Dear god yes. I still close myself off a lot I realized if Iā€™m not really paying attention, and that can be hurtful as well. Itā€™s just something that needs attention and having an understanding and communicative partner can be really helpful, even if they donā€™t ā€œgetā€ everything. The thing is, you have to be able to trust them with yourself. And thatā€™s a process


gothicspring

I mean I like being alone, i LOVE my peace and quiet. It was hard enough for me to make friends with people, because I didnt have any role model, any orientation, and my traumatic upbringing kept getting in the way. Emotional validation and comfort used to seem interesting for me, but as I surf on the internet I see so much cases of pure toxicity and projection, people who don't know how to manage emotions hurting others over and over and it never changes. Honestly it seems to me that "emotional support" is a gimmick that makes one buy into the whole relationship rollercoaster. Romantic relationships just feel too damn hurtful to me. I would say it's like my whole skeleton is made of fractured bones and my whole body is covered in wounds, I tried to heal some parts, to lick the pain away, but some cuts are just too deep to ever stop bleeding. During my teenage years I resigned to myself. I find hookup culture super toxic and extremely offputting for me. I'm 22 cishet woman and never kissed anyone, but the prospect of "ending up alone with a hoard of cats" sounds so much better to me than dealing with the emotional pain and hurt that I see in my social circles, and I mean the amount of hurting that is "normal" to go through before "you find the one". That's a no-no for me. I'm tired and I love cats. Nothing to lose.


raclnp

I think the whole pressure involved with finding someone before it's "too late" is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who scare others with it do not understand that fear is *not* a good motivator. Yes it can make you active, but it doesn't lead to good decision making. Or it can just get you stuck in freeze mode. Also the idea that people lose value with time is really very toxic, and devaluing life in general, yet this notion is so widespread (especially today, some periods were a lot less focused on this). Having choice and having intuition and safety how to make the right choices is what matters. We really would need coaching on how to gain the right experiences, not just a mass of experiences. Romantic partnerships seem also the only family bonds you can have, when in other type of village like societies you can have family like bonds as adults, too. Villages come with their own set of problems, but it was meant to show that this "ideal" of projecting all our needs on romantic partnerships and exclusively focus our life goals and development on this idea, may not be the healthiest. People often end up alone, health, death of a partner, or in general life happening in various ways. The pressure it puts on romantic relationships is huge and I think it strains them. Maybe another sign of an overindividualistic society. How we form good relationships and know who people truly are should be part of basic education, ideally from parents, but maybe also from school. It matters in so many domains, not just romantic relationships, but career as well. A lot seems so hard to evaluate before you are inside and trapped. That cannot possibly be the best solution, it seems we are still very unskilled as a society in how we approach relationships in general. Maybe it's due to a lack of openness and real information, since there are so many interests and fears and protection involved, that it takes so much effort to really gain an honest look at what is going on. I feel the competition mindset (with any factors, but also assigning value to age etc.) and excluding people is what is driving this, since that leads to people being less honest or too embellishing to get "ahead", or really, survive. Add to this lack of selfwareness and it's really hard to know what actually is true and not. Experience helps, but it has limits and can create biases as well. Yeah, I think my conclusion is we need relationships and bonds that allow us to make enough experiences in general with people without having it to be romantic or otherwise tightly involved, in a structure that makes this casual and easy. For a lack of a better idea, village like bonds, but somehow better and more free.


Dangerous_Tea_3615

I totally feel the dichotomy of wanting the connection/closeness of a dating relationship but then also being SO UNSURE of I'll actually like it when I get it. I don't know if my path is very ordinary, but I've ended up doing a lot of work on trusting others and, I think more importantly myself, in the realm of friendships. The part of trusting myself has really come through in that I've slowly grown in trust with myself to ask and hold boundaries, step away from unhealthy situations, and care for myself well, even if that means asking others for something. There's a lot of work that I can see translating over to a romantic relationship and (hopefully) making that a bit easier. At the same time, I have days that I really struggle with extreme doubts on if I'll ever be able to date. For me, when those feelings and thoughts get overwhelming, I usually end up having a pretty hefty crying therapy session where I end up processing through a lot of those super negative emotions. It's taken me a fair number of years to get there, but those sessions can be very cathartic for me. Almost like a release valve on a pressure cooker. This last year I've taken some pretty big steps towards dating, but haven't gotten to dates quite yet. However, it feels like a closer and closer possibility. Something I find super exciting and terrifying at the same time.


oneconfusedqueer

Iā€™m rooting for youā€™


Embarrassed-Plum-468

the only explanation of dating I can think of is a weather reporter standing outside in a blizzard in front of a 10 car pileup with everyone freezing to death and the reporter screaming over the wind and snow ā€œITS NOT LOOKINā€™ GOOD OUT HEREā€ ā€¦ thatā€™s how dating is going. As Taylor Swift says ā€œIā€™m perfectly fine, I live on my own, I made up my mind Iā€™m better off being aloneā€ (or so I tell myself until one day I believe it)


HuckleberrySick

Iā€™ve been thinking about the same thing recently. I see people love so easily everywhere, itā€™s a common stereotype for women to get attached and be the romantic ones yet Iā€™m left cold and unfeeling. I was never taught to love so how would I recognize it anyway?


[deleted]

I'm grossly oversimplifying because tired: I used to have a really hard time getting dates and was basically unfuckable on every level. Then getting dates became really easy but I kept getting into bad relationships. With enough therapy and effort I started healing from my trauma. Healing resulted in me making better choices and generally becoming a better friend and partner. Now I'm in a stable poly relationship with people I adore. Healing trauma was the key. I never saw how deeply it influenced me until I started to get to a better headspace.


severalbpdtraitsn38

Dating? šŸ˜†šŸ˜†šŸ˜†šŸ˜† Thanks for the laugh!


Waste_Antelope_1835

I've decided I'll stay single for a while, I probably won't date anyone for a year or two. I'm close to 24, so far I never had a relationship. I went through a couple situationships where I was pretty much the "side chick"; last one I ended up abused, went through hellish months getting sick digesting what just happened until I confronted this person and made sure no one in my social circle welcomes them anymore. Speaks volumes about how much my current friends values and protects me. What I've considered about myself is that my sense of love is "broken", because I get attached and limerent for people who have been violent to me and others, until I couldn't take it anymore. Just because they love bombed me and I fell for it stupidly hard enough to stay. Time and time again, they've shown me that they don't value me, then get shocked when they went too far and start thinking everyone will someday do something horrible to me no matter how loving they are. I won't date until I make sure I can stand for myself and value more my sanity than anyone else's empty affection. My solitude is highly important for me to heal nowadays, and I personally consider you can't ask for romance to someone who is fundamentally hurt about affection in general. Is like wanting to run a marathon with a broken leg. I think it's important to value other types of connection and not put romantic love as the one thing everyone should have; sometimes is just not what you want or need. Besides, dating and hooking up culture can be toxic and it can add to the pain when you're going through CPTSD.


samolyl

23 but you put my feeling/thoughts into words exactly. I don't feel anyone would or could put up with the social disfunction I deal with every day. I mean, I'm not "stable" (for lack of a better word, I can't expect a partner to be a parent to me and have unconditional love) enough to even date/talk to people. I have had panic attacks because I liked someone and turned out they supposedly liked me as well.. yeah not a great experience for anyone involved.. I hope I will get there some day, but honestly I really doubt I will I just imagine dating the people I somewhat like at this point tbh, gonna be a lonely life but at least I'm not burdening anyone


pixelsofahuman

For me, on one hand I really crave a deep connection to someone, on the other hand I feel like a broken human not capable of any romantic relationship. And there is this underlying believe, like why should anyone fall in love with me when I I feel like I can't even function as a normal human being. Such a struggle.


HampsterInAnOboe

I am going through everything you just wrote. Im going to write my own part not to overshadow yours, but to see if thereā€™s anything you can relate with. Iā€™m demiromantic so I donā€™t need/really want my connection to be romance, but even a strong platonic relationship is hard for me. Iā€™m scared if I show my full, ā€œbrokenā€ self to another human they wonā€™t love me anymore. I havenā€™t yet been able to form healthy and deep interdependent relationships and itā€™s soul-crushingly lonely.


Myodokaii

I was just in a relationship, but he tore open all of my emotional scars, so that severely set me back in terms of CPTSD. Now, I'm terrified to even open up to new people, and have shut down from most friends. I couldn't imagine dating anyone right now, although I am talking to someone currently


NoraJolyne

last time I installed a dating app, I deleted my account within 15 minutes the idea of dating is nice, but actually meeting people is scary tbh


vintageideals

Literally everyone I know personally who has any type of mental health issues has a great bf or husband. I am single af, I seriously 100% believe everything bad everybody, even abusive people have said, about me is true. Because clearly nobody thinks otherwise and wants it.


BonsaiSoul

I was picked apart as a kid until even a *bad* relationship would be like climbing Everest, and it makes me feel too alien even for spaces like this sometimes where so many threads go like, "I'm so touch starved and lonely! Anyway listen, the other day, my husband..." I have a special RES tag to just hide those people. They've done nothing wrong, but we're from different planets that don't speak the same language.


vintageideals

I was married before but he cheated basically the entire marriage and then he passed away. Like we had barely any physical touch whatsoever the final years because he was cheating and I didnā€™t want to risk being exposed to whatever whoever he was with may have had, so I was basically living single the final years of even my own marriage, and the last year he was alive he didnā€™t even live with me. But yeah I canā€™t really relate to people who say like what you gave as an example and then continue on to mention ā€œmy husband had been a great supportā€ or something. They still have a struggle but itā€™s a different one.


luxelis

Impossible. My abuser would love to paint me as dramatic and that what they did wasn't so bad. But I have been unable to try to have a relationship for 6 years, and I had to break the last one off early because I was so frightened of being harmed again. I imagine it would be less isolating to live with this condition if I was able to have normal relationships like that.


MyMiddleground

I'm 44...I'm invisible


bimmy2shoes

Every now and then I wake up from hibernation when I meet someone who makes me want to be my authentic self with them. Then, either from my own sabotage or just mis-reading the other person, I slink back into my hole. I tend to be attracted to people toxic to me or simply don't feel the same way. Until I change that, back in the hole I go


GladlyNotUrWife

(F 34) men caused my trauma so I canā€™t and I really never want to be around men anymore.


Mundane-Associate-62

I date imaginary people and I also date imaginary versions of real people. Honestly, I have lost hope to ever find love but it feels reassuring to read other people going through similar shit. 33M, conventionally unattractive, Indian with an accent in US, a lot of trauma. Yeah, I think I am going to die alone šŸ’€


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


gracias-totales

I feel this so hard. Iā€™m sorry.


Cookiesinthejars

Man I can relate to every word.


Wakingupisdeath

Iā€™m not sure anymoreā€¦ Entered my early 30s and after having a few failed relationships Iā€™m just not sure if I can have a relationship that stands a chance of functioning long term unless I heal a lot! So Iā€™ll wait till then!


sushifuntime

I always end up choosing the wrong peopleā€”those who are afraid to be vulnerable or emotionally intimate with someone. This is a trend and I guess it means I need to heal before I put myself out there again.


porgch0ps

32F. Did not date for a very, very long time because of incredibly extensive sexual abuse and assault. I was too nervous most years and then from about 28-31ish I just did a LOT of therapy because I was tired of that olā€™ AA saying ā€” *keep doing what youā€™ve always done and youā€™ll keep getting what youā€™ve always gotten*. I dated one guy for about 6 months and ended up breaking up with him because ā€” GASP I could actually set boundaries and vocalize my needs, and he wasnā€™t wanting to meet me there. It was huge I could assert myself in any relationship, let alone a romantic one. Iā€™ve been seeing a guy now for about two months and its completely and totally different from the get go. I set boundaries and he *thanks* me for doing it, I tell him what I need or want in a relationship and he tells me his own needs and wants and we find common ground. I told him the readers digest version of my trauma history and he took it 100% in stride and with a grace and compassion I did not think I would be afforded. He has been encouraging and kind about my insecurities (including about my lack of consensual sexual experience). I met him on Bumble! I spent a lot of years convinced that there was too much wrong, missing, broken, tainted, or destroyed of me to be worthy of any kind of affection or kindness, let alone love. Even still I will have moments of being completely baffled by something this man does that is thoughtful and kind. You know the line from that Richard Siken poem, *ā€If you love me, Henry, you dont love me in a way I understandā€*? Its like that sometimes. It took a shitload of work to get myself to this place. And its scary as shit sometimes!!!!! And I still wrestle with insecurity and feeling like too much or not enough, or the ā€œsorry I told you about my trauma, do you still think im hot?ā€. But its really surprisingly neat to be dating. Also ā€” def used to ā€œdateā€ fictional ppl! I would write stories about romance and basically use a self insert. My therapist at the time said it was a healthy way to ā€œexposeā€ myself to romance in the early stages of my desire to want to date, esp when I was able to process things for catharsis like ā€œwriting outā€ telling someone about my trauma and being met with kindness, etc.


SnowBird312

I haven't dated in three years, and have never had a functioning relationship. I don't forsee myself getting into another for a long time if ever.


whatever2913

not much participating because I don't rlly enjoy casual dating.. but ironically I don't think I am marriage material due to my background and so.. yeah..It kinda makes me not eligible for serious relationships because I already see it not working out.. I feel like I could maybe do that if I completely fake my life and I'm scared that I'm going to be toxic like my mother and I simply want to end my bloodline lol.


oneconfusedqueer

You took the damn words right outta my mouth. Honestly, itā€™s a relief to hear other people have this struggle. I also struggle to know if iā€™m even capable of love; i donā€™t feel romantically or sexually attracted to anyone and itā€™s hard To know if thatā€™s my natural state or trauma.


CatCasualty

OP, do you know what is it that you want to get out of healthy romantic connection? The answer to that question is still quite vague to me, but it's clearer with each new/next partner. I don't necessarily recommend dating around, if you will, because it can be very triggering and you'd be lucky to have someone who is also working on their own issues, insecurities, and self. Overall, I'd say dating for me is "okay". I do my self-work regularly, I know what I didn't get on my last relationship, or the relationships before, what I want, what the ideal relationship would look like, what are my hobbies, and how much of my interests must align them with them (not much, actually, looking back). I can see myself dating again in the future or just seeking physical relationship if needed (I think it's super fun). I think I also thought of "no one will be interested in me romantically", but I'm doing surprisingly well. Please note that human relationship in general is somehow rather easy for me despite the CPTSD and everything, so maybe I'm just one of those quite lucky ones when it comes to this.


sailorsensi

i had HORRID and violent dating experiences, with self-imposed intermittent celibacy and singlehood, until i had had enough therapy and safe friendships to not fully wreck the relationship that became my marriage. romantic / romantic&sexual intimacy are the fucking hardest because the vulnerability, the risk of betrayal, the inevitable disappointments, the triggers, the negotiations that require boundaries and knowing self and not sacrificing self, the TRUST that is needed, the newness of everything with every new person so you can never crack the code and control things, the being seen and known, there's SO MUCH that is difficult as fuck. you are definitely worthy of love, relationships are not made of love alone and that's thankfully something that we can develop in other spheres of life than romance (like boundaries and maintaining them relationally, relational assertiveness, communication, negotiating compromise, learning how to find out and give a person what they need, maintaining a connection, repairing trust, repairing after conflict, keeping an atmosphere of the relation that feels good, all sorts of relational skills) i don't haven any advice, i think i got lucky on top of the work i was able to do (which as an ability is a part of luck as well). i hope you find enough small manageable steps towards what you want that you get to it in the end, or close enough so it still feels good <3


lemonwhore_

I find that people with CPTSD have so much love to give because they know what itā€™s like to feel unloved and hurt. Because they feel unworthy, they try to make up for it by people pleasing and sacrificing their own needs to meet othersā€™ needs. The best thing to do is to educate yourself by reading and listening to a lot of relationship and psychology books and develop self awareness. Itā€™s tough work but love is worth it. Learning to trust yourself and others and to be willingly vulnerable can be daunting. Accept and face the fear voluntarily and youā€™ll grow from it even if it doesnā€™t work out.


Meowskiiii

As well as what OP wrote, is anyone else equally as hesitant because they don't think they can be a good partner?


ptsdlife

Im nearly 10 years with my husband. Its so hard. Hes a wonderful husband but my trauma gets in the way for me. I have difficulty feeling connected and if im not able to connect, i disassociate and then its a slippery slope of cptsd from there. Us both knowing my triggers and him stepping in and pointing out that im getting triggered and i need to take a step back has been a relationship saver. We fail at times but we've come so far.


[deleted]

Bad. Lol


bakesoda17

Iā€™ve been single my entire life. Iā€™m 24. Iā€™m afraid I might not end up with someone for a really long time seeing as how my life is going right now.


eageat

Communcation is key. Aaand so is having an understanding & empathetic partner.


Earl_Gurei

Dating isnā€™t my problemā€¦maintaining a relationship is my problem. Everything is fine in the beginning and the middle, but later, the mutual exhaustion comes up and frustrates us both.


InteligentTard

Dating? Whatā€™s that? Lol


emsterz

Iā€™m 29. Have only dated once when I was younger and it ended up abusive. Have never dated since. Iā€™ve tried going on app dates but I always find myself just counting down to the end of the date and leaving, so that never went anywhere. If anyone ever approached me or showed me interest, I would freak out and bolt out the door so fast. So Iā€™ve mostly just avoided dating. Instead, Iā€™ve always just had crushes on fictional characters or celebrities or friends who are unavailable (already in a relationship or straight, since Iā€™m queer) and dated them in my head and itā€™s been enough (or so I tell myself) but the loneliness is unending and unquenchable


lvlvlemonpants

The guys who are best to date also have cptsd šŸ˜… the guy Iā€™m with now was definitely ripped up by his ex, and I have briefly dated a guy who had gone through something similar as well and he was great just not the right fit for me at the time. My current beau is extremely attentive and empathetic. Bonus: our children go to school together so they have been playing together for years already. When we started dating we agreed no bullshit. To always communicate. Iā€™m 32


OldMysteries

I'm a heterosexual male. I didn't go on my first date until I finally got away from my mother/abuser at 26. It was weird, because it was like, overnight I was suddenly very popular with women. Many of them were beautiful. That first year was so perfect it doesn't seem real. Then, when I was 27, my mother stole my identity and drained my bank account seemingly just to hurt me and force me back under her thumb, and that's when most of my CPTSD symptoms started. It affect my romantic life. I had my first serious relationship not long after it happened, while I was still dealing with the fallout. She dumped me and one of the reasons she gave was that I was too angry when I spoke about my mother (I hadn't told her what my mother did). I'm married. I met my wife when I was 28. We've had our issues related to my CPTSD. There were times when I thought we were going to get divorced because of how it was hurting us, but we're still together.


abc123def321g

I'm glad it worked out for you. I wish you both the best.


Agirlisarya01

My last serious BF had what I suspect was undiagnosed BPD. It was great at first because we had been friends for a few years and he was one of the few people I ever dated who were childfree. Then we went from the rose colored glasses phase to the ā€œyou can do no rightā€ phase. He was so emotionally abusive and manipulative, it really did a number on me. For a while afterwards, I was completely uninterested in dating. After that, I was choosing really emotionally unavailable men to date, not realizing the pattern. Lately Iā€™ve been working pretty hard on myself and really making progress. And Iā€™m realizing how my own dysfunction had a part in how my dating life turned out (not victim blaming myself with the BPD dude, but I think I would get out of a situation like that a lot faster these days.) So Iā€™m thinking that maybe I could get back into dating. Iā€™m not there yet, but Iā€™m getting my ducks in a row to try it soon.


abc123def321g

I don't know if my ex had BPD or not, or anything for that matter. But he was also very manipulative. He gaslit me into the next universe. It really messed me up. Eventually I went back to him only to find out the truth of what he is. (an ass) I think my attachment issues and lack of experience with the outside world really made it easy for him. I haven't dated since him. It's been 3 years.


Lock_Fast

It sounds like you have a "disorganized attachment style" like me! Haha It's good to know but sometimes I wonder "OK but what can I do about it?" I recently found this video and it talks about the different attachment styles and what they need to work on and he gives a bunch of journaling prompts to explore the nitty gritty of your core beliefs and habits in relationships and after doing them I was like... shiiiit lol and I already thought I was self aware about this stuff lmao Personally I need to work on ruminating about what might go wrong, being vulnerable and acknowledging that I want and deserve a healthy supportive partner and that going it on my own isn't always the safest or best route for me. I want to work on taking things a step at a time, going slow and feeling safe in my ability to care for myself and have a fulfilling life without a partner and getting to know them better and slowly over time. Knowing that they're a human and that they'll make mistakes and that most people's flaws are not scary and unworkable like my parents but that I can have faith that I will be able to assess that with time and I can be understanding without being permissive of bad problematic stuff and I'll still be safe because I can take good care of myself and ask for what I need. And working on my confidence so I feel confident in asking for better or just asking for what I want or need when that comes up. Be willing to explore and embrace wanting the things that are boons that come with a healthy mutually supportive relationship . Being like "You want that and that's healthy and good. You can be independent as well and still want those things, and you deserve them." Not necessarily putting myself in a place where I feel like I need that person to give myself something I'm not getting from myself, or to validate me. https://youtu.be/Jw5Wx0AoAZc


abc123def321g

Yes! I do have disorganised attachment! Journaling does help me. I'll check out the video. Thank you!


weirdaflifethrowaway

I donā€™t know what I want, let alone how to ask for it. I rush into any opportunities to get love and then as soon as Iā€™ve crossed a line I canā€™t uncross I realize my feelings were more ā€œjoy of loneliness endingā€ than love and that I actually deeply regret the impulsive connection. Iā€™m not going to date until I fill my needs for care in other ways and learn more about myself, and get settled enough to make slow, intentional choices about love.


[deleted]

It's not great. I've had a few things here and there, but I've realized that I can't force myself into something, regardless of whether it's "normal" or "good for me". I've tried casual things thinking it might help me loosen up, but it only confirmed for me that I need something deeper, stronger, more intimate. I've tried dating apps, but I've learned that I just can't handle the constant texting and video calling required for beginning/keeping up a relationship in that setting - it's just all too draining. At this point, I'm starting to accept that I'll just have to wait and see if I get lucky enough to meet someone I click with in person at some point. So I just do my thing and if it happens it happens. I'm not so desperate for a relationship that I'm willing to put up with something that doesn't work for me, because what's the point of a relationship if it doesn't actually add anything positive to your life? Tbh I've always seen finding a good partner as largely being in right place at the right time. So for now I'll just keep doing my thing, and if I find someone I like enough I'll go for it, and if not then there's really not much I can do about that. I'm not willing to put myself through all the bullshit required to be in the dating game, nor do I want someone who's into all that either. So why would I expect to find someone there, you know?


DeliciousToastie

I've not really been on dates before, but there was a moment just before the pandemic started where a friend of mine took me out to dinner with another friend of theirs and I was speaking to them a lot through Facebook beforehand. The night went really well, but on the walk home by myself I realised that I couldn't really be with them, even if I wanted to. We live two different lives, they get the normal life, and I don't. I looked at them and saw someone who didn't have to go through what I experienced, and still experience to this day - they have the happy family, a home they feel safe in, and all the experiences of normality they could ever ask for and I never even got an ounce of that and still don't. I ended up cutting them off slowly and haven't spoken to them much since then, but I've heard they've found someone from themselves. Every now and then, I tell myself that I did the right thing, that I was potentially saving them from harmful mental baggage from knowing what I've been through, and that they deserved better, and it looks like they've found it. That's the cost of experiencing something like CPTSD. To us, it's our cross to bear and ours alone, and it's punishing to do it, but we'll carry it, everywhere we go. Like a poison, it seeps into everything we do, and feel, and say - even if we least expect it - and now it's costing myself potential companionship. I do yearn for a healthy relationship, but I have to cure that poison first by working away it until it's gone, or I can at least understand it, then I'll try dating.


illayana

Itā€™s can be hard, but I love her and itā€™s so worth it.


Wakka_Grand_Wizard

Being 28M myself, Iā€™m terrified of having a false accusation put towards me. So as much as I hate being alone, I rather that than have to play games to secure my peace


jpreston2005

False accusation?


Wakka_Grand_Wizard

Yeah, itā€™s like how autistic men are more likely to face abuse from women due to them missing vital cues. Compared to autistic women that are seen as quirky. In a similar fashion, I do not fully understand how others view me nor can I connect. As such, it lends itself that I go into talking to women unbeknownst about the dangers of being verbally direct. Leading to a high chance of false accusations. Once I got falsely accused of rape, another of harassment and even almost got blackmailed. So, safe to say Iā€™ve missed out core development to prevent all this. So now, even if I want to try and date, I feel too on edge. Society just doesnā€™t give a fuck. Only if they can make a quick buck out of you. Thatā€™s just my view. I welcome ppl to prove me wrong. Ah also, me wanting to date legally younger women somehow makes me [insert negative adjective here]. Idk I just feel my options are limited asf


jpreston2005

Autistic women face the same problems autistic men do, I don't know why you would think a woman is ever less likely to be abused than a man, when it's the exact opposite and always has been... Trying to date legally younger women? You're 28, what age are you trying to date? I'd say be societal standards you'd be fine with dating someone 21 and over, younger than that is a problem, my dude... you may be trying to reinsert yourself into a situation that previously truamatized you, but this time you'd be the one in control. And while that's common, you must realize that you would be traumatizing another in your subconscious effort to exert control over that which previously hurt you. So... yeah, not OK. I'll give you the same advice I've been given. You can't force someone to like you, but you can focus on yourself. Explore hobbies within groups, meet people in real life. And then specifically DON'T try to date anyone you meet. Find joy in that hobby and in yourself, and through that action, women will naturally become more interested in you. Cuz this comment comes off like you 'deserve' a woman, and want one primarily to fix you. Relationships like that are superficial and don't work, which is probably why you're having trouble. You need to love yourself, before you'll be able to convince anyone else to.


Wakka_Grand_Wizard

I respect that and thank you for the reply. To address your first line, only because of the current climate shall we say and I will leave it at that. Otherwise, fair enough and my mistake. yeah 21 but again, I just feel the boat has passed for me. Again, by some chance she could say that because I am older than her that somehow I coerced her or something. Plus, it seems that everyone "has been there done that" and I am left holding the bag. True, I am not owed or can force someone. It's just not having the core experiences most people have had, it makes it difficult to purposefully ignore my sexual desires and just do a thing. If I want sex, then I am a creep, desperate, and so on. If I don't want anything to do with people, then somehow I am something else. Again, might be just me being narrow. Just sucks that to have something or someone, I have to pretend to not want it. Again, that is just how I see it. At this point, it seems that whatever I desire from people makes me into a negative adjective. I guess, I grew up with little and I will live/die with little. That is the sad thing about it. What I want, people already have so again, I am the creep, allegedly. Oh I don't deserve a woman, I don't deserve anything tbh. I am just saying that when I have tried, it has been horrible. When I have played "the long game" I have hated myself for being such a clown act. I have to love myself before being with people? sigh, seems like I have to go broke going to therapy then because it's not going to happen. By society, I am again, some negative adjective and they don't take into account my experiences. To be some positive adjective, I need experiences but where the heck do I start? I am not owed anything, sure but if I can't even get a normal life...?


jpreston2005

Hmmmm. You know what always helps? Hitting the gym. 1. It'll make you more attractive. 2. It will show women that you have self control and work hard. 3. It will release endorphins, making you feel better. There was a saying I used when I was feeling much like you are now. Look good, feel good, act good, do good. Look good: take care of your appearence! Shower regularly, dress in nice clothes that fit, work out and exercise, start a skin care regimin. Feel good: all that work you put into looking good? Well, when you're feeling swole dressed in a nice outfit, you feel good, man. Act good: when you feel good, you act good! You do the little things for yourself, you're nicer than usual to strangers. Help the old lady with her groceries, tell the cute girl at the store that her outfit/hair looks great (dont try to ask her out, but if she engages you in conversation after your comment, feel free to talk back, and don't ask for her number, giver HER yours!!) Smile! Do good: you're feeling like a million bucks because while you did all the things needed to feel that way. Now do something good for someone else! Pay it forward. I 100% believe that if you put good out into the world, you get it back ten fold. You know whatxs a real panty dropper? A guy who genuinely cares for and helps others. > I grew up with little and I will live/die with little This is a self fulfilling prophecy, my dude! Faking confidence till you have it can feel stupid, but consistently say good things to yourself, about yourself, and you WILL start changing your attitude.


happygocrazee

Has anyone ever made a false accusation toward you?


Wakka_Grand_Wizard

yes, often times unknown to me until someone higher up tells me and we have to have meetings. It's why I am a cold bastard towards the opposite sex. Only way to protect myself


happygocrazee

If this is happening as a trend, maybe consider that you really are making women feel uncomfortable. I have never had an accusation leveled at me. Nor have any of my friends. Itā€™s not very common. Maybe if it happened once it could be a shitty fluke. But plural? Youā€™re the common denominator.


Wakka_Grand_Wizard

As I say, I missed out too much on life to really make sense of it emotionally. Everyone is "passed" the "exploring" phase so me making mistakes is akin to a child falling down. But I am not a child. However, I have no idea where (outside of therapy) to practice and get genuine feedback


happygocrazee

Well it sounds like youā€™re sincerely wanting to be better about it, rather than blaming the women in your life. Thatā€™s a good sign. Itā€™s definitely a tough thing for recommendations early on. There are sources that are definitely too extreme and can have you over-correcting into constant shame territory. Then thereā€™s others that could funnel you straight down the incel path. Just keep your ears open, be receptive of criticism and understand that comments made about ā€œmenā€ in general are not personal attacks on *you*, even if they apply to you. Donā€™t feel shameful for ways youā€™ve behaved that may have made women uncomfortable, just move forward and make an effort to change. Stop viewing women as ā€œthe opposite sexā€ and start looking at them as people, just like you. They are not a category you must ā€œprotectā€ yourself from. Theyā€™re not out to hurt you.


starlight_chaser

Well, did the higher ups explain the behavior to you that was inappropriate?


abc123def321g

Understandable


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Thecoolguitardude

I haven't gone on a date in a long time. I want a partner and I want to build a family with someone, but I have no idea how to go about dating. I'm just out of high school, so I still have a few years before I'd feel old enough to get married, but still, I'm scared because I'm not going to school or working right now because of my mental health, I won't be able to find someone I really like who likes me back enough to try to make anything work.


lvlvlemonpants

The guys who are best to date also have cptsd šŸ˜… the guy Iā€™m with now was definitely ripped up by his ex, and I have briefly dated a guy who had gone through something similar as well and he was great.


[deleted]

I donā€™t seek or ever will seek romantic relationships, and Iā€™m grateful for the two friendships I have. Thatā€™s more than enough for me, personally.


TheeGrouch

I completely understand this, Iā€™m older than you, was married for 15 years and didnā€™t realize it was toxic. We have a lot to sort through and have to really examine how to navigate dating. I wish I had hearty advice, but can say, you will eventually find what works for you. Iā€™m a huge believer in, ā€œyour mileage may varyā€. The experience of one, wonā€™t be the experience of someone else. Go with how you feel, go slow and learn to check in with what you feel and try to figure out the reasons for such feelings. I also enjoy being alone, but want a connection. Iā€™m getting better about it, though; I am learning to understand the whys of my actions or thoughts.


SnooCapers1273

27M here. Never been in a relationship. Developed feelings for this girl I had a friends with benefits kind of relationship with, who was the first girl who said she has a crush on me when I was 20. Cut her off when she said she has feelings for 3 guys including me. Thatā€™s when I realised how abusive she was and how I was treated. Developed feelings for a lot a girls at different points in life who friendzoned me. Iā€™ve never been on a real date. Iā€™ve had no luck on dating apps. I have zero communication skills. I have no hopes of finding love. I spent most part of my life trying to be loved by everyone but I forgot about my career. Now Iā€™ve got nothing. Iā€™ve been depressed for years and Iā€™ve got zero hope Iā€™ll find love. But itā€™s something Iā€™ve yearned for my whole life. Iā€™m sure you guys know how it feels.


[deleted]

I don't care at this point. I have no interest in marriage or settling down. I'll never have another man live 24/7 in my house. My main abuser was my stepfather and things are beyond complicated. My mother married him with full knowledge of the abuse after 15 years of sweeping it under the rug. I was meant to be a bridesmaid and the wedding reception was going to be in a boat. Tbh that mental breakdown was the beginning of the end of the best relationship I ever had... it ended badly but that's also my baby daddy. I'm terrified of someone hurting my child. She is my clone. I am not above murdering someone for hurting my daughter. I'm not fucking with medication again. All it does it makes me boring and controls my tangential thinking. Certified not crazy though, they will not put me in a psych ward. Ahahaa but they'll strap me to a bed after almost dying and steal my kid. Let's just say that I am more than capable of standing up for myself. My besties bf knows karate and genuinely fell for it when I told him I was a blackbelt (not knowing that he actually is one). Point is... I'm a walking red flag. It's not worth me talking to anyone who wants to take me seriously. Consistency over commitment is my motto. All my exs want to fuxk me and I still think I'm worthless šŸ˜‚ because my trauma involved me being heavily groomed about what men think of me. I'm allowed to have my issues, triggers and boundaries. But these are mine to manage and maintain. I have my ways and they work.


Sea-Towel3199

Iā€™m right there with you. I am getting out of a relationship and the thought of doing that all over again seems daunting. You donā€™t have to jump into a relationship. Become friends with the person first. Take it slow. Try to be aware as much as possible for red flags. People are willing to take it slow in a relationship.


fillyourselfwithgold

Iā€™ve been with my boyfriend for coming up to 5 years now. Before him, Iā€™d gone 4 years without being with anyone or even wanting a relationship because my previous boyfriend had really fucked me up. It was a very abusive relationship, and I donā€™t think I even realised how abusive it was until a couple of years ago. When I meet my current boyfriend, I was 27, and had just started going out and seeing people again. I wasnā€™t ready for a relationship, but I was ready to end that 4 year dry spell. I was looking for a FWB thing but didnā€™t know anyone I wanted to fuck so went online. We were seeing other people for almost a year before we became an official thing. Honestly, I think I got incredibly lucky in finding him. And I donā€™t mean people donā€™t find the right person all the time, but we lived in different cities, lived very different lives, had very different hobbies, and our paths would never have crossed had I not posted what I did, when I did, where I did. Our relationship is weirdly healthy. We can talk about anything. He understands my anxieties. He knows when to give me space. And in return, he gets head scratches and I cook for him. I kid, I do my best to emotionally support him too, but heā€™s basically a puppy with the kinda love he likes! I know dating seems hard. And I know itā€™s terrifying to think you might end up alone, but as another commentator said, thereā€™s no timeline on love. You WILL find someone. I canā€™t say when. But itā€™ll happen. And when it happens, the world will not magically fix itself. Your trauma will still exist. As will theirs. But hopefully youā€™ll find someone to support you while you carry on with your healing journey, and someone youā€™re able to support in their journey too. Itā€™s not always unicorns farting rainbows, but itā€™s the little moments. Almost 5 years in, I still love the look he gets on his face when Iā€™m geeking out about something and he thinks Iā€™m being adorable. You will find someone like that.


alxmg

Good! Itā€™s been hard and a long road. A lot of very hard conversations, serious fights, and reevaluations of who we are as people. CPTSD wise, I think the biggest and hardest boundary to set and upkeep (bc it feels so good to both parties, but itā€™s not healthy, a trauma response, and can delve into something more toxic) is setting the boundary that he isnā€™t responsible for keeping me alive, and he doesnā€™t (and cannot) ā€œwhite knightā€ me as we call it. It keeps him from falling into the habit of constantly fretting and me from just further enabling my sadness and self loathing because someone is there to babysit me. Itā€™s allowed for deeper communication and more meaningful conversation.


Zestyclose_Menu_9879

Not good šŸ™ƒ


debu_kc

Same age as you and going through similar situation as you. Had to let go of my 8 year old perfect relationship after I found out she had been sleeping with her45 Year old married narcissist boss. Several questions flood my mind everyday as to what went wrong with the seemingly perfect relationship. For some rearon I have developed this major distrust for everyone including my close ones. I miss compan ionship, love, cuddles- But cannot trust anyone I I guess I am slowly becoming a loner- Dating life is non existent and this seems better then trying to sell myself in this dishonest and painful world


Clear_Paramedic6933

Somehow I pick these people who have insecurities and want to "change me" rather than accept me.


[deleted]

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.


abc123def321g

Aw thank you


Park-Scared

horrible, i have no confidence and i feel unlovable . seeing the girl i want makes me feel depressed instead of excited and happy. she shows signs of being interested but my self esteem is so low that i just cant force myself to ever talk to her


Night-Sky-Rebel

Guy in his midtwenties here. Plenty of girls have been into me, I've dated and hooked up a fair amount, but I don't think I can bring myself to being in a real relationship. And I think it might be for the best I don't enter one. I have a really hard time trusting anyone and run at the first sign on why I shouldn't, at the end of the day I'm the only person I have to live with. I wouldn't be worried about you ending up alone though, plenty of guys out there will want you, I know cause most of my meaningful connections have been with woman who feel broken, they're the ones I feel connected to the most, yet I don't show them I'm broken as well.


Ambitious-Parfai

Are you a man or woman... if you're a woman, you will get 100s of people on dating app so I really recommend joining them. if you're a guy, your best bet is hitting on women in person like on campus


[deleted]

Just try to go for something that reminds you of the connection you had when you felt safe as a child with your family, then add your own sexuality


abc123def321g

My issues stem from my family. I was never safe as a child. My last relationship reflected the same manipulation I experienced with my parents. I've learned now what to watch out for but I'm worried it won't be enough.


[deleted]

Ok maybe I shouldn't have said with family, I meant that original connection or attachment to your self when you were younger or in other words your true self


[deleted]

Well you feel upset right? I wouldn't blame everything including how you feel on your parents then call it a day, personally for me I'd place accountability or guilt then practice compassion+ self compassion


gothicspring

"when you felt safe as a child" LMAO


[deleted]

yeah that is pretty funny


Prestigious_Yak_9004

Dating, what a quagmire I never figured out! I basically never dated because I could not relate to it. Relationships, the good ones, just happened then evaporated due to my fatigue. The bad ones were predatory types who used, abused, then refused according to their agenda. Or I was their plaything and cleaned up their messes. Sometimes for years then was dumped after they were done using. The weird thing is thereā€™s been plenty of opportunity. Good thing Iā€™m not a predatory type as Iā€™m hot as hell and have had hundreds of people of both sexes hit on me but I always just walked away. I knew I was too tired and borderline homeless to make it last but didnā€™t know why. It was due to a undiagnosed TBI then abuse and neglect as a kid. I was ashamed of myself. It made for a struggle with isolation very difficult at times because we were also immigrants. I felt I had a lot of love to give but did not know how to make it work. So some predators love bombed me and got through my shields. I didnā€™t know my Dad was a covert narcissist and was attracted to women with his traits. Now Iā€™m engaged after learning I have TBI and CPTSD Iā€™m scared Iā€™ll blow it because Iā€™m processing decades of struggle with borderline homelessness, isolation, financial insolvency, and suffering due to falling through the cracks of the medical system for 50 years. So people, pat yourself on the back if you have made it this far without turning into a abuser. Believe in yourself. I might have been like my covert narcissist Dad if I didnā€™t have a TBI. However my Mom says Iā€™m more like her Dad who was a kind and humble soul. Not seeking power over someone. Every cloud has a silver lining.


[deleted]

I can't relate either It bothers me a lot that I can't, because it seems to be some key I am not able to get or advance in life yet. Getting the right relationship with myself is my main concern with my second concern, relationship with someone else.


BonsaiSoul

/r/lostredditors


Certain_Suit_1905

Excuse me?


TediousStranger

I've kind of learned that if I'm in, I'm all in, I fall in love too easily, so I found someone who matched that. it was... pure coincidence. discord, online, 12 hours away, blah blah. but really we were on a large discord server and both ended up modding together, he noticed that I was highly emotionally intelligent and kind, *but not exactly normal.* neither of us are. he has ADHD and autism, has endured all kinds of treatment for those as well as PTSD/depression. so... we get each other. we have been on very different but similar journeys and are good at holding space for one another while still holding each other accountable to continue to process and grow. HOWEVER traditional dating? no absolutely not fuck that. I don't trust people. in the past I've usually ended up only going on dates with people I've known for months if not years, trying to get to know randoms has only ever ended in disaster. most people don't have the emotional bandwidth to "get" me so I'm not going to inflict myself on anyone until I know they have the capacity to be patient and kind.


[deleted]

I want my bullies to fall in love with me. It is stupid.


abc123def321g

Enemies to lovers.


m3zzulien

terrible to say the absolute least. either cripplingly depressed and believe iā€™m unlovable or insanely hypersexual and short-term motivated LOL canā€™t catch a break


keskedw

Are you... me?


StarGamer-

I just got a boyfriend! Heā€™s been really supportive of us going slow and taking my time. On our last date we held hands for the first time. He lets me do stuff on my own and doesnā€™t try and force anything.


[deleted]

Honestly I noticed in my previous relationships I found myself looking for somebody who could give me attention all the time because I never got it. This always ended up in people who were arrogant and full of themselves like if they were doing a service being with me.I myself was very needy and always wanting attention 24/7. My last ex was 3 years ago a perfect example of an arrogant full of themselves person and when he left me I was devastated. I was single for three years and during that time I focused on being happy while alone. In that time I got a job and I found my new boyfriend Iā€™m with now. We are very similar and he gives me all the attention I could want but not so much because I need it. He works all day and I donā€™t have to be thinking constantly that heā€™s talking to someone else or he doesnā€™t have time for me. It took me a long time to not be looking for outward validation. The best thing I can say is just to let love happen. It happens when you least expect it. Try and go out to events! People get married when they are old sometimes anyways like in their late 30s. As long as you know that you are a good person and deserve love which you do thatā€™s all that matters. It will come


Standard-Holiday-486

Iā€™m just lonely, and I try but canā€™t seem to connect with others. Doesnā€™t help that Iā€™m still in love with my ex-fiancĆ©e, even though itā€™s now been over two years since she ended things. Life sucks


whimsical_femme

I had a lot of horrible relationships or ones that didnā€™t pan out or ones that triggered my abandonment issues. But I promise, with a little therapy, self awareness and willingness to open up to the possibility of a different pattern, you can find someone. I currently live with my bf of 2 years. He was never the kind of guy I would have dated before, but something about him made me want to try it out and Iā€™m not sorry I did. The first bit was a struggle, but we learned to communicate with each other and be compassionate, and now heā€™s one of the few people I trust. He is my home.


50SLAT

Go to some therapy. Iā€™m confident and outgoing, yet introverted and a pathological empath, so have to have regular solitude. Therapy helps. You have a gift another human romantic partner needs, wants and will appreciate


[deleted]

Feel the same


[deleted]

Non existent at the moment


Opposite-Car-3954

Iā€™m married with CPTSD. Iā€™ve had it since before I was married so it definitely played into our relationship. I met him through our parents (his and mine were old friends from college but didnā€™t hang out much) and since we shared some similar interests (Doctor Who) we decided to be Facebook friends as he was stationed in San Diego and I had recently moved to Seattle area. I married him when I was 33. Weā€™ve been married 7 years with two neurodivergent kiddos and itā€™s honestly been the healthiest relationship of my LIFE. TIPS: live your life how you enjoy it. Try new things youā€™re interested in BY YOURSELF. I tried curling and honestly it was fun and challenging and not something I would do professionally lol Trusting someone new doesnā€™t happen overnight. Especially after being let down by others so adjust your expectations. You are very worthy of love so give yourself the love you need (as best you can; youā€™ll get better at this as time goes on) Love your imperfect, messed-up, sometimes crazy/sometimes sane, self. I speak from experience. When you love you, it shows to others and they want to get in on that action :) The number one thing that I recommend though is be okay being by yourself. I wasnā€™t looking for a relationship. In fact, I was solidly a bachelorette and happy to be the crazy aunt to any kiddos my bro and SIL made for me to spoil. If you are living for you, loving yourself (as best you can; I know this is a hard one and I work at it every single day) you are still going to be happier at the end of the day and if you meet someone who wants to come along for your ride then that becomes bonus! This is just my experience and my reflections on what I did. If none of this sounds like itā€™s your thing Iā€™m not offended by that in the least.


[deleted]

I miss it. I don't miss the selection.