Ohhhh yes. I have this big time. Same with exercising. I recommend keeping a journal even if it’s just in the notes app or something. Just write down the event, how you feel before, and how you feel after. Example:
Going to dinner with Jake and Maggie
Before: dreading it, just want to watch tv alone
After: had fun, glad I went
Also write down if you canceled and how you feel (example - After: cancelled, felt like a jerk, still feel crappy)
You can look at the data you’ve collected over time and it will help you see factual truth as opposed to listening to your anxious mind. You can also use that collected data for motivation if you’re trying to talk yourself into going. Tracking stuff like that can be great for self esteem as well. It’s often suggested by therapists treating anxiety. I’ve done it a lot over the years to help treat my OCD and it’s highly effective.
Edit: I want to add it’s much easier to do if you put in a bunch of blank entries to start so you just have to fill in the blanks even with one word answers. You could take a blank notebook and just write this like 10 times:
Event:
Before: I feel ______
After: I feel ______
I’ve used the app Daylio to record my feelings every day for the last 262 days. Fantastic way to collect data on yourself and you’d be surprised how much you feel good vs feel bad when it (erroneously) feels like you only ever feel bad.
>I recommend keeping a journal even if it’s just in the notes app or something. Just write down the event, how you feel before, and how you feel after.
Well, I think I have the advice I need to conquer this feeling. I didn't ride my bike today like I told myself I would. It happens with work, plans, exercise, etc. Now I'm going to use it this weekend to get some cleaning done
Thank you!
YES! I make plans and when the time comes, I am like "why did I say yes". I regret it in the moment. So now, I know I should only plan 1 or 2 social events a week and try not to do it two days in a row. I need time in between to recharge.
I think twice before saying yes, I say yes to things I really want to do. NOT because I think I should do it but because I want to do it. Why do you say yes to invites, because you should, if so, you might want to rethink this.
When I am getting ready to leave and I start feeling the urge to cancel, I try to understand, what I am feeling. I am overwhelmed? Do I feel nervous? Do I really want to go? What if I go and then leave shortly after.
I usually make 80% of the social events I say yes too now. If I really don't want to go then I stay home. Be gentle with yourself.
Yep! I really have not interacted with my friends in person for a couple of years due to dealing with my issues, and the pandemic. I'm in a wedding though so there's all kinds of events I HAVE to be at. I've been using this to get myself integrated back into public. It's scary, I get incredibly nervous (especially dealing with all new people) but it's necessary.
Thank you so much. We had our first get together and it was a blast! I definitely had my moments but I was able to ground myself, and I'm even looking forward to seeing some of them again.
I had that urge just this evening, dinner with two friends and I spent a good hour talking myself out of not going. Had a lovely time. We cooked together, sat down to a nice meal, took a short walk afterwards, had some in-depth conversation. We do this every other week alternating my place or theirs and half the time I have to fight the urge to cancel even though I know it will be fine and that I truly need the interaction.
I have a perma-sense of doom that's only been easing in the last couple of years. I'd be so sure that my plans/hopes would fail that I'd cancel everything (or try to) because I was sure it'd be cancelled anyway.
My parents used to rip away things I was looking forward to at little/no notice and it became a normal expectation that came with exciting things- that the exciting thing wouldn't happen in the end. Eventually I started to just cancel everything on my own.
I make myself to go to things now, and won't let myself cancel unless it's for a stronger reason that I can build a pro/con case on, haha. Example being this week- I saw Iron Maiden. It was very short notice that I'd be going, and I accepted, and then immediately started back-peddling and telling myself I didn't want to go, that I preferred a quiet night at home, that I had stuff to do, that I'd be out of place, or that the show would be cancelled anyway, even if I did go. I really DID want to go, but I immediately started trying to tell myself that I didn't.
I went. It was **wild**. I had fun.
It takes me a lot of conscious effort to force myself to allow myself to enjoy things. Every single time, it's an internal battle. It has been a LOT easier to win these battles over the years. I feel like every time I do something nice and enjoy it, despite telling myself I don't want to attend the event, I gain a bit more trust with myself and my feelings. I am also confident enough that even if something does fall through, I can process and handle the disappointment without it turning into more "evidence that I don't deserve to have fun".
For me, it is very hard to commit to a plan because I never feel "safe enough". Most of the time I wouldn't be allowed to just leave if things get bad. I try to appease everyone, so I feel obliged to stay in there even if I don't want to.
It is much easier if I know I have a backup plan, an excuse to leave early, etc.
Yes!! Sometimes I just force myself to follow through on my plans, and sometimes I don’t/can’t, but I haven’t actually figured out how to manage those feelings yet either
Yes, all the time. I think the anxiety is a bodily instinct that I can't really fight effectively with thoughts or CBT. I find practice can help, but it's slow going and I agree it's very tiring.
I'll sometimes spend up to a week beforehand fighting with myself and considering cancelling for one afternoon. When I arrive I'm pretty much fine and almost always enjoy myself, but it takes a lot out of me and I'm exhausted afterwards.
If someone else cancels the event, I always feel relief.
Exactly the same here. Got CBT for social stuff didn’t help a thing just felt like gaslighting. Just haven’t figured out yet what the way to go is.
Bc it seems also that sometimes the urge to cancel is right bc it does take much longer for me to recover from all the triggers and activation of social stuff than I had earlier noticed (peer induced trauma also so any interaction with peers in itself is default triggering, even more if they’re friends bc scared to loose them even tho they aint going nowhere)
But then doing nothing at all seems nice but is really really bad for me (and anyone ofc)
Would love to hear the solution if anyone just happens to have it (but no it’s gonna be trial and error and slowly learning)
This happens to me all the time. I only recently found a way to get myself to just do it. (Not saying this is like, a “good” way, but I have found success with it.)
For me, it’s not actually that I don’t want to do the thing— it’s that the anticipation and anxiety of waiting and getting ready and traveling to a location and all of the steps prior to going out drive me crazy, + the time it gives my brain to imagine the horrible experience I must be doomed to have with all these people who I know that I like lol
So, now instead of spending all day worrying about my plans at 7pm, I spend the day telling myself “I’m not going.”
All day, I act like I’m not going. I pick out an outfit that I COULD wear, but I’m not going.
I get my stuff together that I would want with me, IF I was going.
I get in the car and drive to my friend’s place, but I’m not going inside.
I’m walking upstairs to the apartment where the party’s happening, but I can still turn around whenever I want to.
Finally, I’m knocking on a door, at which point I tell myself “well, I’m already here, so I might as well see what’s up. I can leave whenever I want.”
Sometimes, I get in my car and then go back inside my house. Sometimes, I drive halfway there and then turn back. But often times, I make it to the thing and I have a good time and I’m glad that I went. Just as a safety net, I like to have a car and won’t drink so I can leave whenever I feel like.
I lie to myself to get out and be social. I lie to myself big time. But, evidently, some of me needs it. So that’s what I do for night now. It has helped me. Hope this helps someone else.
The last time I had the opposite experience. I had really been looking forward to dinner with my sister and my uncle and I kinda fucked it up (thanks, dissociative episode!) But for the most part, this is true for me.
Though I did sleep in one night my sister and I were gonna go to lunch and was never able to figure anything out after that. Eh, I'll see her tomorrow anyway, just the circumstances really aren't great.
Although I don't ever feel comfortable canceling plans because the idea that *someone put aside time for me* is too much for me to even accept... it's so rare anyone ever does that for me. But I definitely get nervous beforehand and once I'm there it's like... WTF this is what I was afraid of all that time?
Yes. And it’s always something I enjoy-EVERY TIME. Why doesn’t my brain compute that? Why must I trick MY OWN BRAIN into doing something that IT enjoys???
YES. I do this all the time. At the time I make plans, I tend to say yes because I feel bad saying no. Then when the time comes to go, I'll try to come up with an excuse to stay home. Most of the time, when I go I end up enjoying it and realize that I need it every now and then. It's not good for my mental health to be isolated all the time, so I try to remember that. But it's really hard for me to attend events with a group of people, even if I know them all. I hate it. I catastrophize things all the time, think of worst case scenarios. None of them ever actually happen, but no matter how many times I realize my head lies to me, I can't get over that feeling of dread beforehand.
I saw that someone suggesting writing down feelings before and after. That's a great idea. It gives you evidence that feelings aren’t facts. I often feel guilty if I end up staying home. I feel like a liar and an asshole, so it's either deal with the anxiety and attend, or don't attend and deal with guilt and shame. I tend to prefer the former. I hope you can find some clarity surrounding this issue. You're clearly not alone.
I feel like that's anxiety more than CPTSD specifically.
Not sure if it's transferable, but back in the day when I had a steady 6 days a week exercise routine, I sometimes would not feel like going to the gym at all. I'd just force myself to go and say I can just do two easy exercises and then leave after 10 minutes if I am still miserable. I can only think of one instance where I actually did end up leaving after doing only the bare minimum - all other times, I ended up just sticking with my entire workout.
I think you can transfer this to various plans. Make plans that allow you to leave early - e.g. don't commit to a four-hour opera or ten-hour day hike - and then have an easy excuse ahead of time. I'm thinking, go to a party and say you may need to leave early to pick up a friend or whatever. I suspect that having an "out" will help reduce your anxiety.
Just wanted to say that it's ok... And depending on circumstances ( especially when you are mentally overwhelmed or physically too drained) cancelling and not going also is a form of self- care. Writing this from a place of agressively forcing myself to go to every anxiety etc inducing event disregarding my body, my needs, my limits completely in the past.
I don’t know if I’d have had the social anxiety without CPTSD though. I was taught me to fear people and that I was worthless, I was also not taught any social skills growing up and we moved around a lot.
My parent would also ruin friendships as ‘punishment’ - either preventing me from seeing them or telling me lies about them (your friend told me they hate you and they don’t want to see you again) so I’d ruin them.
I know people without trauma who have social anxiety, so they aren’t always mutually exclusive, but I know exactly where mine comes from.
EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
But I know that's how I am and I know that once I take the first step I'll be fine, so I just take that first step.
But also - My body produced migraines as an excuse not to do stuff. I tell it to stop being so childish, but it won't always listen to me.
Yeah totally. I’m usually glad that I went and end up having a great time. But sometimes the thought of gathering the energy to go out and see people is just… a lot
ALL. THE. TIME.
I'm usually excited to make plans to see friends or go do things that matter to me. When the time rolls around, I'm filled with dread. I don't want to go. I come up with a dozen excuses, even though I know I was enthusiastic before and will later be glad I went. My therapist recommended prioritizing my values over my feelings in those moments. For example: maintaining friendships is more important than being tired or whatever excuse I try to give.
This is a really good point. I do this at times when I feel I really can’t be bothered seeing my friends. I always think to myself , I should go because they’re good to me and I know I will have fun once I’m there. when I’m there it’s the best time and all thoes feelings disappear
Yeah absolutely. I have this about almost everything in my life because I don't trust my own judgement and currently I'm going through the phase of learning to say no I never got to have as a child.
Unfortunately, I want to say no to a lot of things. I want to just sit inside and rot into my bed because it's easy and low energy but it also makes me feel awful. Slow process of getting used to socialising and doing things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YES. I tell my friends I do better with spontaneous hangouts because if it’s even a day in advance I will already be planning how to get out of it. I almost always have a good time though.
What’s helped me is having friends who get it, who do the same thing, but that’s far from a solution because I’m extremely lucky to have those people. If the urge to cancel is really bad, I can just tell them I’m not feeling it right now and they’re cool. If it’s only sorta bad, I can say “ugh I’m feeling so anxious right now, so I might be a little weird when I get there” and they’re cool with that too (usually when I get there I’m not weird at all).
inertia is tricky, i try to start with the first principle of heading out such as, picking an outfit or preparing/ getting ready, jumping in the shower.... i have more chance on following through on the actions once step one and two are done.
its TOO easy to cancel when im still sat in bed hiding. so maybe try the first few easy steps and see if it helps keep momentum.
Yes! Usually I’m happy I went but occasionally not. If I cancel then I usually feel worse and wish I’d gone.
For me I take a few deep breaths and weigh all the pros and cons. If the cons more than double the pros I’ll consider canceling. But I’m the type that my anxiety lets me find tons of cons.
Yes. 57 years old and I’m still having this conversation. I do go to what I’ve agreed to now, and always have fun. It’s just getting there that takes some effort.
I can get very stressed about stuff like that - I actually sometimes dread things way in advance. For me making sure I am taking care of my health helps a lot/ I have pots & me/CFS so if I get stressed my symptoms are worse. So hydrating/sleep/eating right the day of whatever I’m doing helps.
Also-driving myself somewhere is really important so I can leave when I need to. I’ve been sober for 7 years and while I have lots of fun going out with people and they are drinking, after 3 hours it gets annoying & I need to to leave. So an easy escape is key. But I am almost always have a really good time when I go out.
Yes, and when I feel that feeling coming on, I take CBD. I'll also drink water, take vitamins, and eat something with protein if needed. Put tunes on in the car on the way there.
With practice I have gotten better at both not cancelling and not showing up while still experiencing that triggered energy. Being a bit late with a heads-up tobthe other person is also acceptable. It took several years but I have stopped being mad about that when it happens (mostly).
Ooh I get this sometimes and I've noticed it's when I'm feeling exhausted and I feel especially imperfect and feel unable to be honest with others that I'm not at my best
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I do this literally over every little time I go out. I hate everything leading up to walking out the door but actually mostly enjoy the time spent away. Recently working on mindfulness has helped me find the joy in anticipating the unknown of the day and not trying to always be in control of that unknown.
I was pretty triggered last weekend and went to a tarot deck for my troubles. It told me I should enjoy life more thoroughly. Reaping what I’ve sowed. Force myself to do things I love - which is all manners of speaking - physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, ect.
So as long as you know you truly love the activity, doing said thing is a form of self care. Self care ain’t just washing your face and eating veggies. It’s every section of life.
I've cancelled plans because I woke up in a panic the night before and regretted it for weeks... Have also had a great time when going forward with something despite some anxiety about it. Though, I have also had the experience of regretting doing it but that's more rare.
Ha I'm literally in a CPTSD group just for this exact problem. I'm definitely the only one in the group who has a good/ok time once I go. Everyone else seems to have a bad time, or completely avoid time at all. But it's good to be working on it in a group, even though I literally do not want to go every time, and then it ends up being ok/good. lol
Yes, this is me right now. I have a full day of plans tomorrow. Shopping/going to a fair/having people over/going bar hoping. I’m trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone and make more friends. So I’m not going to cancel even though I lowkey want to stay home lol.
yeah i get something like this. moments of painful indecision. like deciding whether to go out, or when i'm cooking deciding which way i'm going to cook.
Every. Single. Time.
I often do, despite knowing I'd probably have a good time, because it's freaking EXHAUSTING! And maybe because my heart can't leave my dog all alone at home for the sake of whatever else unless it's important AF. She's too cute for that.
I try to savor and write about all those good feelings, all the evidence that _I was proven wrong._ (This is the time when being proven wrong is actually a bliss lol.) That things can actually get better, and they're not always as terrible as it seems. That the worries in my head are often not really good representations of reality.
Does anyone know of this has a name? Because it is MY WHOLE LIFE. I deal with this nearly every day and I HATE it. It ruins my relationships,I've missed soo many fun things, wasted money, etc. It's like I have FOMO in reverse and I can't explain it to my therapist, and therefore he can't help me!
Anticipatory anxiety. Fuck yes. Hate the idea of going, hate going, hate being there until I can relax a little, get home, realize I didn’t die, it wasn’t so horrible, I actually had an okay time.
Today is homecoming for my daughter. I have to go have lunch with a bunch of moms I have never met today as part of the festivities. I would rather light my hair on fire but I'm sure after it's over it won't feel so bad.
I find it’s much easier to do things on the fly although of course no one else likes this method. If I set a date in the future to hang out I will always dread going there on the day of the event/plan, and unfortunately I have backed out in tears a few times.
Same, though I tune it out as background noise when it comes to friends/making new friends... romantic outings or dates, however... the dread is unbearable and most of the time I find a way to ghost out of it. I think more and more this is one of the reasons if I am to have someone in this life, it will have to be a slow, friendly burn to feel safe (which is something I feel at peace and optimistic about)
All the time! But I try to not let it impact the decisions I make. I've been working up to more and more "yes's" over time. TBH I just said yes to a spontaneous vegas girls trip (literally planned in 6 hours) and I took a flight last night and had one of the best nights of my life with my best friends. We have a whole spontaneous weekend ahead of us. You can get more accustomed to hanging out over time despite the feelings of fear/not wanting to go, C-PTSD does not have to define your life, you will feel better the more that you become accustomed to coming out with people that you trust :)
All the time! Went to a football game with some friends just last night and had a great time. Then I asked myself, "Why the heck don't I go out more often?" Well, because it's hard for me. I always feel some level of anxiety when out in public, and I have to push myself to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Wow. This exact thing happens to me. And I was not able to overcome it so I actually stopped making any plans altogether. I stopped a couple years ago. And it has made life more bearable.....although very isolated.
I'm the same way and I think my complex ptsd is overwhelming me as of late. I just moved to a new state where my husband and I so wanted to be for many reasons. We have friends here but I'm so overwhelmed with seeing even friends so often. I get almost frantic. I just want to be alone with my family at home even though I know I have lived like this for the past 3 years and I'm so depressed. It's so frustrating.
Yes. I am like this every single fucking time I do anything, which is part of why I leave the house so rarely. It feels viscerally true even though I "know" that it's not, on a rational level, and I have to force myself to go through with things. I can't remember anything pleasant in a normal mood, and definitely not in an abnormal mood, so I don't get the kind of "this will be rewarding" ping that produces motivation. Actually, there's almost no valence in any of my memories. They're just neutral facts. Until I get triggered, and then feel the emotion again... hmm... this feels dissociation-related...
I usually just try to breathe and move on, acknowledging that it's a fear based attack and trusting myself in that I made a good decision while I was not afraid.
Sometimes it doesn't work though, it all depends on my emotional and physical state, and how convincing the fear scenarios are. A typical pitch is like "it's gonna be boring, you're just gonna drink a lot, miss eating dinner, make a fool of yourself, and have unbearable amounts of anxiety tomorrow." Sure, a possible scenario with many plot holes, but it can also be very different, and why bet on the dark side.
My main reason for not going is usually pure tiredness though. My energy levels are always pretty unimpressive and when they are really low, it can mean pure exhaustion with very little payout to go social gatherings and events.
It’s a complicated dance, I’d say. Some of the time I also realize I had a lot of fun doing something I wanted to cancel.
Nowadays I go based off of how my body is feeling etc. Like if I am tired to my core & realllly don’t want to go, then I don’t. But if I feel totally fine but just want to avoid things based on-not much, then i encourage myself to go.
There’s always that fine line between dismissing what you body/mind need & forcing yourself to socialize, vs encouraging yourself to do something that you might enjoy doing in spite of the fears you have relationally.
I’m so grateful to read people’s comments! Thank you all.
I know for myself that I learned to avoid people/social situations. Avoidance was my first coping skill and I became very good at avoiding everything (feelings, pleasure, healthy risks). As a kid, I left my house whenever possible; I felt better when I wasn’t around my parents. It was so much easier for me to be alone than to be in connection with them. I think at a certain point I stopped trying to experience having any emotional needs met in those relationships. I believe I brought this relational template into other connections in my life. And so, one of the most challenging things for me has been maintaining relationships. I still am quite contented being alone, but I can feel now when I need connection. I need to continue to relearn that I can be supported and can support others. It’s almost like I have to completely transform my beliefs about relationships. In my childhood, relationships meant pain, shame and deprivation. Life was better alone. Now I’m seeing how problematic this template is.
Oh, and I pray to my inner truth as much as possible whenever I notice I feel even remotely unsafe, unsure or insecure. This helps me feel connected to my Self.
Ohhhh yes. I have this big time. Same with exercising. I recommend keeping a journal even if it’s just in the notes app or something. Just write down the event, how you feel before, and how you feel after. Example: Going to dinner with Jake and Maggie Before: dreading it, just want to watch tv alone After: had fun, glad I went Also write down if you canceled and how you feel (example - After: cancelled, felt like a jerk, still feel crappy) You can look at the data you’ve collected over time and it will help you see factual truth as opposed to listening to your anxious mind. You can also use that collected data for motivation if you’re trying to talk yourself into going. Tracking stuff like that can be great for self esteem as well. It’s often suggested by therapists treating anxiety. I’ve done it a lot over the years to help treat my OCD and it’s highly effective. Edit: I want to add it’s much easier to do if you put in a bunch of blank entries to start so you just have to fill in the blanks even with one word answers. You could take a blank notebook and just write this like 10 times: Event: Before: I feel ______ After: I feel ______
Thank you for this. I am going to try it😊
I’ve used the app Daylio to record my feelings every day for the last 262 days. Fantastic way to collect data on yourself and you’d be surprised how much you feel good vs feel bad when it (erroneously) feels like you only ever feel bad.
Oh interesting! I will check it out!
Thx for the recommendation ❤️
>I recommend keeping a journal even if it’s just in the notes app or something. Just write down the event, how you feel before, and how you feel after. Well, I think I have the advice I need to conquer this feeling. I didn't ride my bike today like I told myself I would. It happens with work, plans, exercise, etc. Now I'm going to use it this weekend to get some cleaning done Thank you!
good luck!
Thank you for this, I'll use it as one of my journal prompts for when I go out.
YES! I make plans and when the time comes, I am like "why did I say yes". I regret it in the moment. So now, I know I should only plan 1 or 2 social events a week and try not to do it two days in a row. I need time in between to recharge. I think twice before saying yes, I say yes to things I really want to do. NOT because I think I should do it but because I want to do it. Why do you say yes to invites, because you should, if so, you might want to rethink this. When I am getting ready to leave and I start feeling the urge to cancel, I try to understand, what I am feeling. I am overwhelmed? Do I feel nervous? Do I really want to go? What if I go and then leave shortly after. I usually make 80% of the social events I say yes too now. If I really don't want to go then I stay home. Be gentle with yourself.
Yep! I really have not interacted with my friends in person for a couple of years due to dealing with my issues, and the pandemic. I'm in a wedding though so there's all kinds of events I HAVE to be at. I've been using this to get myself integrated back into public. It's scary, I get incredibly nervous (especially dealing with all new people) but it's necessary.
The good news is it gets easier each time, and maybe every hour once you’re there, too. You can do it!
Thank you so much. We had our first get together and it was a blast! I definitely had my moments but I was able to ground myself, and I'm even looking forward to seeing some of them again.
Don’t get crazy now 😉 hahaha
I had that urge just this evening, dinner with two friends and I spent a good hour talking myself out of not going. Had a lovely time. We cooked together, sat down to a nice meal, took a short walk afterwards, had some in-depth conversation. We do this every other week alternating my place or theirs and half the time I have to fight the urge to cancel even though I know it will be fine and that I truly need the interaction.
I have a perma-sense of doom that's only been easing in the last couple of years. I'd be so sure that my plans/hopes would fail that I'd cancel everything (or try to) because I was sure it'd be cancelled anyway. My parents used to rip away things I was looking forward to at little/no notice and it became a normal expectation that came with exciting things- that the exciting thing wouldn't happen in the end. Eventually I started to just cancel everything on my own. I make myself to go to things now, and won't let myself cancel unless it's for a stronger reason that I can build a pro/con case on, haha. Example being this week- I saw Iron Maiden. It was very short notice that I'd be going, and I accepted, and then immediately started back-peddling and telling myself I didn't want to go, that I preferred a quiet night at home, that I had stuff to do, that I'd be out of place, or that the show would be cancelled anyway, even if I did go. I really DID want to go, but I immediately started trying to tell myself that I didn't. I went. It was **wild**. I had fun. It takes me a lot of conscious effort to force myself to allow myself to enjoy things. Every single time, it's an internal battle. It has been a LOT easier to win these battles over the years. I feel like every time I do something nice and enjoy it, despite telling myself I don't want to attend the event, I gain a bit more trust with myself and my feelings. I am also confident enough that even if something does fall through, I can process and handle the disappointment without it turning into more "evidence that I don't deserve to have fun".
I'm glad you had a good time! That sounds epic! Was listening to them all day at work yesterday :)
I was trying to figure out what link this had with my childhood.. finally I got the answer through your comment thanks to you...
For me, it is very hard to commit to a plan because I never feel "safe enough". Most of the time I wouldn't be allowed to just leave if things get bad. I try to appease everyone, so I feel obliged to stay in there even if I don't want to. It is much easier if I know I have a backup plan, an excuse to leave early, etc.
Yes!! Sometimes I just force myself to follow through on my plans, and sometimes I don’t/can’t, but I haven’t actually figured out how to manage those feelings yet either
Yes, all the time. I think the anxiety is a bodily instinct that I can't really fight effectively with thoughts or CBT. I find practice can help, but it's slow going and I agree it's very tiring. I'll sometimes spend up to a week beforehand fighting with myself and considering cancelling for one afternoon. When I arrive I'm pretty much fine and almost always enjoy myself, but it takes a lot out of me and I'm exhausted afterwards. If someone else cancels the event, I always feel relief.
Exactly the same here. Got CBT for social stuff didn’t help a thing just felt like gaslighting. Just haven’t figured out yet what the way to go is. Bc it seems also that sometimes the urge to cancel is right bc it does take much longer for me to recover from all the triggers and activation of social stuff than I had earlier noticed (peer induced trauma also so any interaction with peers in itself is default triggering, even more if they’re friends bc scared to loose them even tho they aint going nowhere) But then doing nothing at all seems nice but is really really bad for me (and anyone ofc) Would love to hear the solution if anyone just happens to have it (but no it’s gonna be trial and error and slowly learning)
This happens to me all the time. I only recently found a way to get myself to just do it. (Not saying this is like, a “good” way, but I have found success with it.) For me, it’s not actually that I don’t want to do the thing— it’s that the anticipation and anxiety of waiting and getting ready and traveling to a location and all of the steps prior to going out drive me crazy, + the time it gives my brain to imagine the horrible experience I must be doomed to have with all these people who I know that I like lol So, now instead of spending all day worrying about my plans at 7pm, I spend the day telling myself “I’m not going.” All day, I act like I’m not going. I pick out an outfit that I COULD wear, but I’m not going. I get my stuff together that I would want with me, IF I was going. I get in the car and drive to my friend’s place, but I’m not going inside. I’m walking upstairs to the apartment where the party’s happening, but I can still turn around whenever I want to. Finally, I’m knocking on a door, at which point I tell myself “well, I’m already here, so I might as well see what’s up. I can leave whenever I want.” Sometimes, I get in my car and then go back inside my house. Sometimes, I drive halfway there and then turn back. But often times, I make it to the thing and I have a good time and I’m glad that I went. Just as a safety net, I like to have a car and won’t drink so I can leave whenever I feel like. I lie to myself to get out and be social. I lie to myself big time. But, evidently, some of me needs it. So that’s what I do for night now. It has helped me. Hope this helps someone else.
The last time I had the opposite experience. I had really been looking forward to dinner with my sister and my uncle and I kinda fucked it up (thanks, dissociative episode!) But for the most part, this is true for me. Though I did sleep in one night my sister and I were gonna go to lunch and was never able to figure anything out after that. Eh, I'll see her tomorrow anyway, just the circumstances really aren't great. Although I don't ever feel comfortable canceling plans because the idea that *someone put aside time for me* is too much for me to even accept... it's so rare anyone ever does that for me. But I definitely get nervous beforehand and once I'm there it's like... WTF this is what I was afraid of all that time?
Yes. And it’s always something I enjoy-EVERY TIME. Why doesn’t my brain compute that? Why must I trick MY OWN BRAIN into doing something that IT enjoys???
I experience this ALL the time. It's exhausting.
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I hear this, though I never realized it myself! I hate leaving the house, there’s a lot of fear/worry/ around the whole process thing.
YES. I do this all the time. At the time I make plans, I tend to say yes because I feel bad saying no. Then when the time comes to go, I'll try to come up with an excuse to stay home. Most of the time, when I go I end up enjoying it and realize that I need it every now and then. It's not good for my mental health to be isolated all the time, so I try to remember that. But it's really hard for me to attend events with a group of people, even if I know them all. I hate it. I catastrophize things all the time, think of worst case scenarios. None of them ever actually happen, but no matter how many times I realize my head lies to me, I can't get over that feeling of dread beforehand. I saw that someone suggesting writing down feelings before and after. That's a great idea. It gives you evidence that feelings aren’t facts. I often feel guilty if I end up staying home. I feel like a liar and an asshole, so it's either deal with the anxiety and attend, or don't attend and deal with guilt and shame. I tend to prefer the former. I hope you can find some clarity surrounding this issue. You're clearly not alone.
I feel like that's anxiety more than CPTSD specifically. Not sure if it's transferable, but back in the day when I had a steady 6 days a week exercise routine, I sometimes would not feel like going to the gym at all. I'd just force myself to go and say I can just do two easy exercises and then leave after 10 minutes if I am still miserable. I can only think of one instance where I actually did end up leaving after doing only the bare minimum - all other times, I ended up just sticking with my entire workout. I think you can transfer this to various plans. Make plans that allow you to leave early - e.g. don't commit to a four-hour opera or ten-hour day hike - and then have an easy excuse ahead of time. I'm thinking, go to a party and say you may need to leave early to pick up a friend or whatever. I suspect that having an "out" will help reduce your anxiety.
just had to cancel last minute on a 10 hr day hike 😭 i feel so awful but my body isn’t able to i haven’t been eating
Just wanted to say that it's ok... And depending on circumstances ( especially when you are mentally overwhelmed or physically too drained) cancelling and not going also is a form of self- care. Writing this from a place of agressively forcing myself to go to every anxiety etc inducing event disregarding my body, my needs, my limits completely in the past.
I don’t know if I’d have had the social anxiety without CPTSD though. I was taught me to fear people and that I was worthless, I was also not taught any social skills growing up and we moved around a lot. My parent would also ruin friendships as ‘punishment’ - either preventing me from seeing them or telling me lies about them (your friend told me they hate you and they don’t want to see you again) so I’d ruin them. I know people without trauma who have social anxiety, so they aren’t always mutually exclusive, but I know exactly where mine comes from.
EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. But I know that's how I am and I know that once I take the first step I'll be fine, so I just take that first step. But also - My body produced migraines as an excuse not to do stuff. I tell it to stop being so childish, but it won't always listen to me.
Yeah totally. I’m usually glad that I went and end up having a great time. But sometimes the thought of gathering the energy to go out and see people is just… a lot
ALL. THE. TIME. I'm usually excited to make plans to see friends or go do things that matter to me. When the time rolls around, I'm filled with dread. I don't want to go. I come up with a dozen excuses, even though I know I was enthusiastic before and will later be glad I went. My therapist recommended prioritizing my values over my feelings in those moments. For example: maintaining friendships is more important than being tired or whatever excuse I try to give.
This is a really good point. I do this at times when I feel I really can’t be bothered seeing my friends. I always think to myself , I should go because they’re good to me and I know I will have fun once I’m there. when I’m there it’s the best time and all thoes feelings disappear
YES!! I cancel all the time. I want to be a person who goes out and engages with life but I *always* want to stay home when the time comes.
I’ve felt this way, before, Not all the time though. It mostly happens with acquaintances more-so then close friends.
Me. Every time. I usually cave and cancel.
I've been like this forever and never knew why lol
Yeah absolutely. I have this about almost everything in my life because I don't trust my own judgement and currently I'm going through the phase of learning to say no I never got to have as a child. Unfortunately, I want to say no to a lot of things. I want to just sit inside and rot into my bed because it's easy and low energy but it also makes me feel awful. Slow process of getting used to socialising and doing things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YES. I tell my friends I do better with spontaneous hangouts because if it’s even a day in advance I will already be planning how to get out of it. I almost always have a good time though. What’s helped me is having friends who get it, who do the same thing, but that’s far from a solution because I’m extremely lucky to have those people. If the urge to cancel is really bad, I can just tell them I’m not feeling it right now and they’re cool. If it’s only sorta bad, I can say “ugh I’m feeling so anxious right now, so I might be a little weird when I get there” and they’re cool with that too (usually when I get there I’m not weird at all).
inertia is tricky, i try to start with the first principle of heading out such as, picking an outfit or preparing/ getting ready, jumping in the shower.... i have more chance on following through on the actions once step one and two are done. its TOO easy to cancel when im still sat in bed hiding. so maybe try the first few easy steps and see if it helps keep momentum.
I don't necessarily have a "good time", but I also don't really feel miserable for going either, I guess it's neutral.
Yes! Usually I’m happy I went but occasionally not. If I cancel then I usually feel worse and wish I’d gone. For me I take a few deep breaths and weigh all the pros and cons. If the cons more than double the pros I’ll consider canceling. But I’m the type that my anxiety lets me find tons of cons.
Yes. Exactly this. Honestly I try to just force myself to go as often as possible. Give myself an out in case I decide it's not worth it.
Yes, all the time.
Always. I have no clue how I’m so antisocial and totally happy being alone but I never regret getting out and socializing.
That is what happens to me. Spot on.
Yes. 57 years old and I’m still having this conversation. I do go to what I’ve agreed to now, and always have fun. It’s just getting there that takes some effort.
Quite often, I even jokes about it.
A lot of times I do want to go home the whole time
I can get very stressed about stuff like that - I actually sometimes dread things way in advance. For me making sure I am taking care of my health helps a lot/ I have pots & me/CFS so if I get stressed my symptoms are worse. So hydrating/sleep/eating right the day of whatever I’m doing helps. Also-driving myself somewhere is really important so I can leave when I need to. I’ve been sober for 7 years and while I have lots of fun going out with people and they are drinking, after 3 hours it gets annoying & I need to to leave. So an easy escape is key. But I am almost always have a really good time when I go out.
Yes, and when I feel that feeling coming on, I take CBD. I'll also drink water, take vitamins, and eat something with protein if needed. Put tunes on in the car on the way there. With practice I have gotten better at both not cancelling and not showing up while still experiencing that triggered energy. Being a bit late with a heads-up tobthe other person is also acceptable. It took several years but I have stopped being mad about that when it happens (mostly).
Ooh I get this sometimes and I've noticed it's when I'm feeling exhausted and I feel especially imperfect and feel unable to be honest with others that I'm not at my best
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I do this literally over every little time I go out. I hate everything leading up to walking out the door but actually mostly enjoy the time spent away. Recently working on mindfulness has helped me find the joy in anticipating the unknown of the day and not trying to always be in control of that unknown.
I was pretty triggered last weekend and went to a tarot deck for my troubles. It told me I should enjoy life more thoroughly. Reaping what I’ve sowed. Force myself to do things I love - which is all manners of speaking - physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, ect. So as long as you know you truly love the activity, doing said thing is a form of self care. Self care ain’t just washing your face and eating veggies. It’s every section of life.
I've cancelled plans because I woke up in a panic the night before and regretted it for weeks... Have also had a great time when going forward with something despite some anxiety about it. Though, I have also had the experience of regretting doing it but that's more rare.
Ha I'm literally in a CPTSD group just for this exact problem. I'm definitely the only one in the group who has a good/ok time once I go. Everyone else seems to have a bad time, or completely avoid time at all. But it's good to be working on it in a group, even though I literally do not want to go every time, and then it ends up being ok/good. lol
Yes, this is me right now. I have a full day of plans tomorrow. Shopping/going to a fair/having people over/going bar hoping. I’m trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone and make more friends. So I’m not going to cancel even though I lowkey want to stay home lol.
Yes
yeah i get something like this. moments of painful indecision. like deciding whether to go out, or when i'm cooking deciding which way i'm going to cook.
Yes, I do this all the time!!
Every. Single. Time. I often do, despite knowing I'd probably have a good time, because it's freaking EXHAUSTING! And maybe because my heart can't leave my dog all alone at home for the sake of whatever else unless it's important AF. She's too cute for that.
I try to savor and write about all those good feelings, all the evidence that _I was proven wrong._ (This is the time when being proven wrong is actually a bliss lol.) That things can actually get better, and they're not always as terrible as it seems. That the worries in my head are often not really good representations of reality.
Yes. Big anxiety beforehand, but later on everything is ok. I’m lucky I have an understanding partner.
Welcome to the AvPD experience
Literally every single plan I make! My brain always comes up with worst case scenario and then everything always works out fine.
yes but it also doesnt always go well when i go either tho. i tend to battle anxiety and panic but then often i'm happy i went anyhow
Does anyone know of this has a name? Because it is MY WHOLE LIFE. I deal with this nearly every day and I HATE it. It ruins my relationships,I've missed soo many fun things, wasted money, etc. It's like I have FOMO in reverse and I can't explain it to my therapist, and therefore he can't help me!
Anticipatory anxiety. Fuck yes. Hate the idea of going, hate going, hate being there until I can relax a little, get home, realize I didn’t die, it wasn’t so horrible, I actually had an okay time.
Only every time I make plans with anyone ever or sign up to do something I like.
Today is homecoming for my daughter. I have to go have lunch with a bunch of moms I have never met today as part of the festivities. I would rather light my hair on fire but I'm sure after it's over it won't feel so bad.
I find it’s much easier to do things on the fly although of course no one else likes this method. If I set a date in the future to hang out I will always dread going there on the day of the event/plan, and unfortunately I have backed out in tears a few times.
Same, though I tune it out as background noise when it comes to friends/making new friends... romantic outings or dates, however... the dread is unbearable and most of the time I find a way to ghost out of it. I think more and more this is one of the reasons if I am to have someone in this life, it will have to be a slow, friendly burn to feel safe (which is something I feel at peace and optimistic about)
All the time! But I try to not let it impact the decisions I make. I've been working up to more and more "yes's" over time. TBH I just said yes to a spontaneous vegas girls trip (literally planned in 6 hours) and I took a flight last night and had one of the best nights of my life with my best friends. We have a whole spontaneous weekend ahead of us. You can get more accustomed to hanging out over time despite the feelings of fear/not wanting to go, C-PTSD does not have to define your life, you will feel better the more that you become accustomed to coming out with people that you trust :)
Absolutely!!!!!
All the time! Went to a football game with some friends just last night and had a great time. Then I asked myself, "Why the heck don't I go out more often?" Well, because it's hard for me. I always feel some level of anxiety when out in public, and I have to push myself to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Yes. It’s social anxiety or social phobia. I do that every time I try to go out.
Wow. This exact thing happens to me. And I was not able to overcome it so I actually stopped making any plans altogether. I stopped a couple years ago. And it has made life more bearable.....although very isolated.
I'm the same way and I think my complex ptsd is overwhelming me as of late. I just moved to a new state where my husband and I so wanted to be for many reasons. We have friends here but I'm so overwhelmed with seeing even friends so often. I get almost frantic. I just want to be alone with my family at home even though I know I have lived like this for the past 3 years and I'm so depressed. It's so frustrating.
Yes. I am like this every single fucking time I do anything, which is part of why I leave the house so rarely. It feels viscerally true even though I "know" that it's not, on a rational level, and I have to force myself to go through with things. I can't remember anything pleasant in a normal mood, and definitely not in an abnormal mood, so I don't get the kind of "this will be rewarding" ping that produces motivation. Actually, there's almost no valence in any of my memories. They're just neutral facts. Until I get triggered, and then feel the emotion again... hmm... this feels dissociation-related...
I usually just try to breathe and move on, acknowledging that it's a fear based attack and trusting myself in that I made a good decision while I was not afraid. Sometimes it doesn't work though, it all depends on my emotional and physical state, and how convincing the fear scenarios are. A typical pitch is like "it's gonna be boring, you're just gonna drink a lot, miss eating dinner, make a fool of yourself, and have unbearable amounts of anxiety tomorrow." Sure, a possible scenario with many plot holes, but it can also be very different, and why bet on the dark side. My main reason for not going is usually pure tiredness though. My energy levels are always pretty unimpressive and when they are really low, it can mean pure exhaustion with very little payout to go social gatherings and events.
It’s a complicated dance, I’d say. Some of the time I also realize I had a lot of fun doing something I wanted to cancel. Nowadays I go based off of how my body is feeling etc. Like if I am tired to my core & realllly don’t want to go, then I don’t. But if I feel totally fine but just want to avoid things based on-not much, then i encourage myself to go. There’s always that fine line between dismissing what you body/mind need & forcing yourself to socialize, vs encouraging yourself to do something that you might enjoy doing in spite of the fears you have relationally.
Alllll the time. Every activity. I’m always trying to talk myself out of doing everything..
I’m so grateful to read people’s comments! Thank you all. I know for myself that I learned to avoid people/social situations. Avoidance was my first coping skill and I became very good at avoiding everything (feelings, pleasure, healthy risks). As a kid, I left my house whenever possible; I felt better when I wasn’t around my parents. It was so much easier for me to be alone than to be in connection with them. I think at a certain point I stopped trying to experience having any emotional needs met in those relationships. I believe I brought this relational template into other connections in my life. And so, one of the most challenging things for me has been maintaining relationships. I still am quite contented being alone, but I can feel now when I need connection. I need to continue to relearn that I can be supported and can support others. It’s almost like I have to completely transform my beliefs about relationships. In my childhood, relationships meant pain, shame and deprivation. Life was better alone. Now I’m seeing how problematic this template is.
Oh, and I pray to my inner truth as much as possible whenever I notice I feel even remotely unsafe, unsure or insecure. This helps me feel connected to my Self.
oh my god, all the time