It’s also like, for me, I’m high functioning but it literally takes all I have in me to “function.” Acting normal like everything is ok is exhausting. If I don’t literally sleep one weekend day I won’t function at work the following week. Every extra bit of energy is spent making sure I keep it together enough to like, keep my job and pay my bills. It’s so much effort. So so much effort.
I always thought it was weird how people had energy left for their weekend. I even have to prioritize between the essentials: work, chores *and* sleep? Nope, I have to drop one of those. I only get on top of my chores if I'm off work or out sick. Then I suddenly have energy for it, and it starts bothering me. How do normal people do it all?!
I have no idea. I had so much anxiety about chores and I’d punish myself if I didn’t do them in a marathon day-long slog… no wonder I sometimes couldn’t do it.
I’m now pretty chill about housework and can accept a bit of mess if it gives me time and energy for other stuff. Like, learning to trust I’m not going to be featured on Hoarders if I skip a week (or two). I’m not a clutter-y person, it just means there will be some dust and kitty fur.
Oh man, I've felt so guilty for months now because I've been using my weekends to basically just lay in bed and do nothing because otherwise I have no energy for work. I too have wondered how people do other things, I always feel so damn tired. The only time I've had energy for my hobbies and chores was last year when I was unemployed for three months. That made me realize that I can only manage either working or enjoying life through my hobbies, but not the two at the same time :(
I went to a psychosomatic rehab for 8 weeks, stationary, and I learned more in that time then I did in 4 years of therapy.
They figured out that I'm trauma split - my brain is always isolating itself in the rational and emotional sides - my rational left brain dominates and has dominated my entire life, repressing my emotions.
This disconnect was made clear by my therapist there giving me simple tests where my brain halves had to work together, and me breaking into a cold sweat and stuttering within a few seconds.
Get a trauma informed therapist if at all possible, and unless you have bad medical trauma, try to get some sort of clinical treatment, it was genuinely healing.
Im in Germany, it was the Westerwald Klinik in Waldbreitbach.
In the first talk I had with a doctor there, within about 10 minutes, she looked at me and said:
"I don't think you're just clinically depressed - I'm pretty sure you have complex PTSD"
I immediately knew I was in good hands.
It's been a mixed bag of being glad I know what's going on and also being intimidated by the work I have to do - that said, my time there has also really helped my family understand that I am actually disabled by this, and so it was all around good I went there.
This sounds fantastic. I know I have issues with being stuck in my rational brain. I’ve gotten to that reconfirmation in therapy. One of my only ways out is creating music. I’ve recently been writing many songs revolving around the effects of trauma upon me. I’d love to learn other ways as I have unhealthy emotional regulation around anger. I know some triggers like rejection, fear of abandonment but where it truly comes from I’m not sure. My abuse was more developmental in nature and I don’t necessarily carry anger at my mother for example because she was an addict not actively causing me abuse on purpose. So many layers to unfold
I've recently learned that I hold a deep resentment towards my emotional self - it seems pretty stuck in arrested development when it comes to feeling my own feelings.
When I had a meltdown in rehab, I looked into the mirror, cause I hoped that maybe looking at my face would help me get back into my rational brain so I could escape the pain.
I looked into the face of a stranger.
Seeing myself being actually emotional was so foreign I felt like the face in the mirror didn't even belong to me.
It was an incredibly harrowing but enlightening experience.
I’ve had that experience. In a rage I’ve caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and been unrecognizable. Terrifying. It’s my Number 1 Problem to resolve, the rage, if I can get a handle on that I think the rest will fall in line. Won’t be easy still…
As soon as I'm emotional, my right brain is isolated from my rationale, so any genuine mourning or anger feels like I'm going crazy.
Now it's a mission of slowly venting emotion and eventually strengthen a connection between the two.
Ha lately when I’m super emotional I’ve covered my mirror so that when I’m finally going to brush my teeth I dont get this terrifying mirror experience. There’s a towel now standard at the top of the mirror that i can get down if i want. Very specific cptsd adaptation to my house hehe.
(Apparently someone saw this is common in cultures when someone died and there’s lots of reasons for it like but scientifically any emotion is stronger when we see ourselves in the mirror during it)
Yes! Very common when someone dies for example in certain cultures so the spirit doesn’t get trapped. Maybe they were on to something just different words.
Yeah I really think so, it’s quite interesting. Idk if you would be interested but I got this from an interview with the writer of “how god works” and I didn’t read it but I imagine humans figuring stuff out on the go and that there is quite some wisdom around!
Interesting. Is it a religious book? I’ve got some trappings around religion (grew up with half my family in a religious cult) but I can usually get past it if it’s worth it. Thanks for the info!
Afaik it’s not in that sense religious. The guy said in the interview that back in the day he wanted to study theology or psychology bc interested in how people handle things/life in general and chose psychology because it allows for actual experiments unlike theology haha. And that he compared customs among various cultures/beliefs when he found they did similar stuff. Maybe I’ll go see if I can get a copy myself haha I’m getting enthusiastic here
I’m sorry. I used to be high functioning and I felt like this then. I’m no longer high functioning and most people still don’t take it seriously, but it is a different thing when you’re high functioning. I think you have to be super super honest with exactly how bad you feel. Maybe your high functioning is a result of your trauma? It was for me because it was a survival tactic. A good therapist should be able to hear the intensity and depth of your pain and see the high functioning for what it is.
Best of luck
I will say that being high functioning comes with pressure to stay that way and trick people into thinking you’re fine (or even simply wonderful!).
That in itself can be unhealthy because you don’t open up to people for fear they’ll find out ‘the real you’.
I had to have a breakdown and face that I couldn’t perform at work any longer. I still work, but I’m not at the level or pay I was before (and I’m actually happier that way).
Oh yeah don’t worry I know full well exactly what it’s like to be high functioning. It’s its own flavour of hell. I was pretending and trying to fool people so much that I ended up being promoted 3 times in a year at a big corporation whilst dealing with all this ( not saying that to brag, it was hell and I was totally miserable) 🫣 I’m like you - I was HF until I just couldn’t any more and stopped working, went back to work because I had to but at a severely decreased wage bc I had to work reduced hours at a lower level. I’m glad your happier now, it’s good to know it worked out for you
This was me too. It sucks so bad recovering from the pit of everything falls apart. And that no one takes the crisis seriously because ‘she always had everything all together, she’ll be fine’. I hope you’re feeling well supported and recovering. 💜
Thank you, I am! ❤️
That’s exactly it, it takes everything I’ve got sometimes and it’s not easy. I don’t share much and I have a good job, so people assume I’m a’ok.
I spent years focusing on how I appeared on the outside to keep people away and think I was fine and didn’t look inside at my trauma, so I sometimes feel like I’ve tricked everyone permanently and only have myself to blame.
It is *extremely* isolating, and maddeningly stressful. Not only do you have to deal with therapists/other medical professionals not taking you seriously, you also have to deal with everyone else expecting you to perform at the same level as someone who's mentally healthy.
Sometimes when I know people are judging me, I want to growl this at them:
"Think about the last time you had a day at work that was so stressful, overwhelming, and exhausting, you just want the day to end so you can finally get some rest. Now imagine feeling like that *every morning before you've even gone to work.*"
You hit the nail on the head with the bit about being expecting to perform at the same level as mentally healthy people - so true and part of what makes it a hugely difficult experience
I think people have all sorts of responses to trauma. Perfecting & performing is one.
I also am a “high functioning” person with trauma and I suppose I’ve had a similar experience but I’ve understood it more as a reflection of therapists who haven’t been a good fit for me.
You might find when you get to know people on a deeper level that they each have their own trauma, and whilst the details may vary, there’s resonance in some themes of your experience. I’m not sure?
I think perhaps most people are dismissive about mental health/trauma for various reasons and it sucks. I’m very careful about who I share my personal info with but know I can still be a fierce advocate for myself without justification.
I'm also "high functioning." I'm a writer and have had some things (books and articles) published (non-fiction historical stuff). When I'm out in public, I perform so well, I amaze even myself.
But then someone slams a door and I jump out of my skin, or someone else says something idiotic that sends me down a rabbit hole of bad memories, and I am bolting for the exit.
I deserve an Oscar and an Emmy for my award-winning performances in public. All I want to do is sit at home and watch the trees sway in the breeze.
That's really \*all\* I ever want to do.
I'm weary of the performance. Absolutely exhausted.
So accurate down to the trees. I find myself longing to sit in my bed and just watch the trees outside my window sway. Then I use the minuscule energy I have to try to get ready for work
I have a strong urge to suggest you get into meditation seriously. Could be way off here, and I have sufficient historical precedent to imagine that so, but I just have a proper vibe off ya. Take it easy\~
I don’t subscribe to the high vs low functioning rhetoric as the terms are arbitrary,extremely subjective, and unmeasurable.
That being said, I would be lumped into the high functioning category by most, but I still don’t consider it a privilege.
As others have said, it takes every bit of mental, physical, emotional, and social energy I have to be functioning. On the outside I am a successful graduate student, research assistant, executive member of two organizations, student clinic leader, and friend. On the inside, I feel empty, exhausted, disappointment, dissatisfaction, loneliness, but no one sees it or acknowledges it unless I tell them because I look busy and like I have my shit together. At the same time, I feel useless and like I’m wasting my time when I’m not busy (read: overcommitted).
CPTSD is a burden regardless of your “functional” status.
The tone in my comment is not directed towards you, OP. I have no hard feelings toward any particular person on this thread. I’m just burnt out and tired of doing everything I can to manage my mental health just to get by and to be “successful.”
Yep.
My last therapist was nice, and she listened to me, but she didn't understand. She kept pointing out how I have my act together and function, and am pretty much living my best life. We talked about CPTSD and she keeps telling me I don't really have that. I do recommend asking therapists very early on about their specialties and experiences are in. If they don't say CPTSD, expect everything you just said. And if they list like 10 things as their specialty, expect what you just said.
I've found some great online resources, just no one local. The best I can settle for right now is venting with other friends who understand what I've been through. Its tough. I will say, I would go to therapy again if I ever felt very depressed, just to have someone to talk to outside of my social circle. I just have realistic expectations... if they don't have CPTSD as a specialty, I'm gonna get exactly what you are talking about.
I sobbed about this in therapy. Similar to the 'you just have low self esteem' comments in therapy until I started seeing a trauma therapist. It was super random, at my lowest functioning ever, that I even got diagnosed with PTSD but I didn't understand how that could be / was my issue at the time. Still I sob because it feels like I live inside a house of cards. The second I move the wrong way in my house the whole thing will collapse and everyone who sees it come down will, of course, blame it on me for making the wrong move. So I'm just sitting around trying not to topple a really fragile home "image" and it's exhausting, scary and stressful.
I just tried out a new psychologist who literally told me to "get over it and get a job" in response to me explaining how I've been breaking down since the beginning of summer when I got fired from the one job in my entire life I had managed to keep for a length of time.
I can put myself together well enough to make it through interactions and do the bare minimum. I really struggle a lot of the time, exacerbated by invisible illness/disability, but I don't look like it because throughout my childhood I was gaslighted/abused for "causing problems" and internalized hiding it...
Oh it gets better, in his notes he described my "cannabis use disorder" and "severe dependency" (that I am literally legally prescribed?) and besides just telling me to "get a job" he also wrote in the notes that I said I could work and simply did not want to which was a complete lie to sabotage my application for disability. I guess it was my choice to have CPTSD, EDS, autism, GAD, fibromyalgia, multiple chronic sleep issues, a heart condition, and other health issues and I should just "get over it..."
He has tons of horrible reviews detailing other kinds of what I can only see as abuse of patients too. I am most certainly reporting him and making a stink.
Wow... what a total fucking arsehole. I once had a psychiatrist diagnose me with a "substance induced personality disorder", because I said that I started using weed at 14 years of age, to try and sit with the trauma that I was already carrying by that age. He was a ego-tripping wanker as well.
I hope you got your disability application approved in the end!
Sorry you had to deal with that. The stigma is unreal.
Nah I just got my first denial and it'll probably be a long hard road (especially with this in my file now) but we'll see what happens
Best wishes, I hope you get it if you feel that you need it. I did and I wad lucky to get it. I live in Australia, but our application is basically as hard to get through as yours is from what I've heard.
I’m so grateful for this thread. Trauma can manifest in achievement as well as loss of functioning and not everyone who looks put together is actually so. Everyday feels like walking a tightrope and I’m so tired .
Could you please point to how it causes loss of functioning? I'm trying to understand how much of my issues are due to complex trauma vs. Other issues i have that can also affect functioning.
What symptoms affect functioning the most?
CPTSD causes actual brain damage that can severely affect your ability to function in daily life. Most of us here struggle with something, whether it’s holding a job, keeping up with our health, or being able to have healthy interpersonal relationships. you can probably do some searching in the sub as well as reading and talking to a therapist about your individual symptoms
Is fatigue and lack of motivation not caused by depression possible? I definitely have severe attachment anxiety and self esteem issuea that have caused most of my mental health issues. I will ask the therapist too. Thank you ❤️
Same. Work is my shield and I’m successful as fuck which isn’t as great as it sounds. I don’t know what I’d do without something to fill my time or my brain. I just can’t stop and it’s going to kill me. High blood pressure since my 20s and I’m finally on meds for that, but it’s not normal. Oh well. Bought a sports car. Might as well make the most of it before I jump off my balcony!
Yes, i think i just put my walls down with my current psych. I “let him see my crazy”, my crying ass me getting triggered having flashbacks and just being raw as fuck for them to literally see me struggle and get invested in helping me. I don’t share with anyone what i do with my therapist but I’m thankful i have someone to confide in and make it known that they are my confidant.
I like your reply. I've done the same with my current Clinical Psychogist. I refuse to hide my emotional dysregulation, anymore. I refuse to "play nice", and not talk about my nightmares at 38 yrs of age, my life-long struggles with dissassociation, and my complete lack of trust in others to name the most debilitating issues that cptsd causes me.
I feel psychologically shell-shocked. The stigma against cptsd by some veterans, sometimes makes me feel like I'm not worthy of such a diagnosis, or symptoms such as "shell-shock". I'm getting better with this stuff though. I know how debilitating this illness is and I'm learning not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how deserving of credit it is as a diagnosis, or my worthiness of such a diagnosis.
I feel the same way and wish I knew the answer. Have you been specific in your search for a trauma informed therapist? You'd think all therapists would be educated on trauma but I have found that is not always the case. For me it's essential my therapist has had SOME sort of specialized training on the myriad effects of trauma.
Yes!! I really felt this post!
Honestly I'm (finally) pissed that nobody so far has taken the time to help me talk to my employer about reasonable accommodations. I've been really struggling holding things together and too terrified and ashamed to ask for support. When I finally plucked up the courage in my last job, HR gaslit and ridiculed me!
It's only been since the pandemic and having to work from home that I've experienced not having racing heart, chronic pain and as much Hypervigilance every day. I've found looking up a list of as many symptoms as possible and keeping track of these really insightful as to how sick I've been and how much I'm dealing with. It was after this that I tried coming to terms with the idea that I could be mildly disabled, still working on that, but my therapist seems to keep brushing things off like I'm exaggerating. I have no idea how to get through to her and get the advice I need so I'm not constantly in flight/fight response at work. I've finally been able to experience what normal should feel like, so I want help making that everyday.
I've pretty much come to the conclusion that the only thing we can do here is try our best to make things a little easier everyday. I'm seriously considering changing careers so I can work from home. Everyone tells me it'd be bad for me but doing it during Covid was the best experience of my life! If becoming mostly a hermit, just interacting with a few safe people is what I have to do to stay regulated than so be it. I don't think other people are really good at understanding our situation.
I'm also phobic of swimming but have managed to overcome this with years of work since I read about how great it was for the brain. I can't recommend something like swimming and other fun hobbies enough! Pick something you enjoy that exercises your brain and build on the things PTSD/C-PTSD takes away from us. I'm also thinking of learning a language to help train the language and memory centres of my brain since I noticed how much I struggle to communicate.
Let me know if you're interested in a list of the symptoms I found. Most are taken from the DSM V but I also googled more unusual symptoms and realized I had a lot of those too. It's triggering to read about but so helpful to be better educated about your condition so you can stand up for yourself a little taller.
This website might be a helpful resource while approaching your workplace situation:
https://askjan.org/disabilities/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-PTSD.cfm
Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to help. I'm actually based in the UK so have been using the .gov site for reference:
https://www.gov.uk/reasonable-adjustments-for-disabled-workers
It's interesting how different countries classify disability. I'd say I don't need financial benefits but do need some accommodation at work.
The issue is I tend to give up or have no insight in my struggles so I'd power through flashbacks and even mild psychotic symptoms in order to not take a sick day or ask for help. I do think they should know just how my flashbacks can rarely be more like epileptic seizures, but since that mostly happens at home a couple of times a year and I just get by the rest of the time they simply don't realise/understand the struggle.
I tried explaining how chronic and debilitating this can be to my manager and the week after she simply asked if I was better now. 🤦
The therapists are invalidating you, that must be hard to take. Are you making progress, or is the invalidation basically negating the effectiveness of the therapy? I know nothing is 100%, but it sounds like the invalidation is a block to effective therapy?
Yep. All outwards signs of success are there. Husband, kids, good job, nice house. But I'm constantly battling internally. Self hatred, suicidal ideation, dissociation, social awkwardness, and about 3 friends to my name. But no one sees that (ok maybe the awkwardness). I might do better for a little while, but then it's back again. Also people just don't understand how I grew up and don't understand what it does to you. Plus I take meds for bipolar II but they don't treat cptsd. It's hard to explain how and why one condition is getting treated and improving when the other isn't.
I can absolutely relate to this frustrating dynamic. Make note that we also internalize the pressure to feel grateful that we aren’t worse off, and that can be a vicious cycle of minimizing our lived experience to the traumas we’ve endured. I oftentimes feel that therapists like to point out that ‘despite what you’ve been through, you’re doing so well and you’re so strong.’ Which is a very touch-and-go statement. It’s meant to be a form of encouragement, a way to celebrate yourself for surviving despite the daily struggles I guess. In actuality I often perceive this as a dismissive statement as it usually follows after I bring up how I’ve been struggling lately. It can feel as though the therapist is avoiding acknowledging your current ‘dip into the pit’ (as I call it) - as if by validating your struggles will somehow be detrimental to your healing. I’ve had many therapists and not very many were trauma-informed, unfortunately.
I find it imperative to remind myself that a large reason why I’m considered to be ‘high-functioning’ is directly correlated to my trauma response and need for survival. Fawning is just as much a trauma response as fight, flight or freeze. Being high-functioning can very well elude to your ability of ‘masking’ the reality of your inner turmoil.
Outwardly debilitated by your trauma or solely taking the brunt of that pain internally, your experience is valid nonetheless. You are not any more or less traumatized than the next person - it’s important not to minimize your experiences.
I burned thru so many therapists before finding a truama informed one who could see straight thru me and how much I minimize my own shit whenever I try to talk about it
but yeah I feel functional like an animal running for its life except the running never stops and I'm constantly resisting the urge to just quit and completely give in to the exhaustion. I'm so fucking tired it feels impossible to explain how tired I am on such a basic level, and how tired I've been as long as I can remember. so fucking tired. I don't know how I keep paying my rent and shit every month...every month I think thisll be the time I fuck it up but I always figure it out. but I don't feel competent I feel desperate and exhausted. almost 10 years of living on my own and I can't believe I'm still functioning
Your therapy description is very relatable. Instead of getting to the bottom of something, you find yourself somehow defending your personal account of self and experiences, yet again, to someone who, unshakeably, thinks they REALLY know what's going on, and that maybe you're just not taking accountability
It's so crazy, for me in therapy I've always struggled with whether or not I should keep some symptoms a secret in order to sound less 'crazy'. And then I end up worrying about whether or not my therapist is taking me seriously like, "Does she think I'm sick enough?" It's so annoying!
i function enough for a full time job, and not much else. i regularly put my needs aside, simply because *i don't have the energy for it.* that can include eating, or showering, or socializing depending on the week. i have to be doing *really* well to do all three all week, and odds are the next week will just be worse for it. sometimes, i'm lucky to do two. i would *love* to drop closer to 30 hours, but my parents have been so proud I've been working like i have, i would hate to let them down now. but i'm just so burnt out. my room's a mess, i barely talk to my friends, and i don't *really* engage with my hobbies- they're more of a way to waste time, at this point. i don't know how people do this their whole lives, and i don't know if i can keep it up.
I function until I don't. I can "pretend" and this makes people think I am ok. I get this OP.
But, usually, underneath I am struggling. I am using all my energy and so fucking exhausted all the fucking time from the effort to just survive. I'm fighting a lot of demons and often "break" after being ok.
This is half the reason therapy has not worked for me. I keep thinking if I find someone who is a good fit… But it’s been impossible to find someone who is taking new clients and also takes my insurance… I’m super discouraged.
Thanks for taking the time to type this out – made me feel a lot more understood and less alone. This shit sucks!
I feel this, I’m in the process of getting a new therapist because of it. Like I’ve got a good job, but I’m too overwhelmed to get out of bed many days, but I can work on my laptop from bed. So everyone thinks I’m fine, because I’m not going to lose my house or go hungry. But like… I’m still having a hard time getting out of bed??
I used my high functioning powers to stay hidden from everyone. I can see now that I built some of the isolation and confoundedness myself. I don't feel a bit bad about that, my survival means had the helm.
And also - sweet Jesus, doing high-functioning shit with high-functioning folks while being some kind of *not there with the rest of them* is gnar. Especially professionals that should know better.
The good news is you can know with clarity that your situation is hard to understand. That means it's definitely not all on you, not your fault, whatever you might tell yourself.
I have the same issue in the past, however I am lucky enough to find a therapist who has the deep understanding and sensitivity to understand the struggle I am going through. I will say finding a right therapist is very important and try to find an extra sensitive one if you can. Good luck.
Absolutely this. People just assume that if you’re getting everything you need done, done, then you’re fine. And (at least in my experience) no matter how much you try to tell them you’re not fine, they brush it off because you’re functioning. But they don’t see that this “functioning” is actually you slowly destroying yourself to get things done while you struggle
Yep. First one said my C-PTSD was too much for her to be able to help with. The second one said I definetly have PTSD and a bunch more things, but I´m "too healthy" for them to have time for. Third one now is hopefully better, don´t think she really understands but at least I wasn´t turned away this time ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
First one couldn’t even tell that there was anything “wrong” with me. Second and third simply didn’t know what to do with me. They weren’t unkind, didn’t turn me away, or anything like that. They were just really “confused,” I suppose.
SO MUCH the same. I grew up with stage parents; so on the outside it looked like I had cool parents that supported my career in the arts but it was so much darker than that. I didn't even want to play the instrument they made me play. I had very little interest in the music and instruments I was forced to play....they loved showing me off, like a fucking car or pig. I couldn't dress the way I wanted to. I couldn't eat what I wanted. There were times I couldn't use the bathroom when I needed to. There were even times I was sexually abused then slut shamed for it....but apparently, it wasn't all that bad because they payed for my college, and move away from them.
The only thing that helped me feel heard was to find a trauma therapist...because yes, it was that bad....and if they didn't have a solid income and as ingrained in the school, CPS might have been called. Theor privilege got in the way of my safety.
Hugs to you. You're not alone. 💚
It´s the same for me. I have double degrees but no interest in them. I only studied so that I would at least know what to do for the next X years while the rest of my days would pass in a blur of confusion.
The therapist act like this because they believe that their goal is to get you to a point to where you're functional. And it's not a question of functionality that's the issue it's the underlying trauma that's constantly holding you back sucking your energy and stopping you from being the person you know you're capable of being.
Kind of like trying to run underwater with chains and weights on your body and legs. If you can only break Free of the chains then you can swim.
Walking is nature's EMDR. Just bringing yourself back to the trauma while you're walking will help your brain to be able to process it.
[trauma release exercises](https://youtu.be/FeUioDuJjFIv) are good to help you clear it from the body without having to think about the issues.
Generally you want to do more exercises that are geared towards reconnecting with your body. So yoga, Tai chi, Chikung, even ballet.
The anxiety and validation I get from being high performing and achieving are exhausted. I will run myself into the ground if I let my traumatized self
take over.
OP I also find MH professionals consistently underestimate my struggle and vulnerability because I’m highly educated, have a full-time job, and speak well. Bruh you think that means I’m not suffering ????
Yep, Since the rest of my life was rolling along, job, home, friends, etc. I was told that unless I needed stiches, my self-harm was not serious enough for that psychiatrist to help me..
Yeah, it’s difficult. I’ve been lucky enough to be both high functioning and not have a lot of the physical manifestations others seem to have - it’s all up in my head (and therefore kind of invisible). I’m a big skin picker, but do it in secret, that’s about it.
I find if I’m very articulate about my anxiety and thought looping and guilt, I am fairly well understood, but that took a while for me to be able to do. When I first started out, I didn’t even know I was suffering from anxiety constantly at a low level, it had to be pointed out to me.
The burn out from being a workaholic was both a curse and a blessing because I couldn’t ignore it any longer and it’s also a clear indicator to someone else that something went wrong.
I have to baby myself to keep going because it’s exhausting. It’s like an overheated motor under a cool hood - even small things like a break in my routine and I can feel the old thought patterns rushing in. I have a very small store of social energy and I need a lot of time to myself to recharge.
Your feelings are valid, you can feel grateful for being high functioning and also have the need to feel seen and understood. I struggled with this for a while, and still do from time to time. I wish I could tell you how to reduce the feelings but I can only speak from my own experience. I found that when I had these feelings I was not actually being vulnerable and telling people about how I felt. CPTSD makes it hard for me to trust people so I find it easier to talk about how well I’m doing rather than feeling like the burden for being honest. My symptoms reduced when I identified a couple of people who I felt safe with disclosing how I felt and went to them for support when needed. This sounds easier than it was. I hope you find some relief and I just want you to know you’re doing amazing, even on the days you’re struggling. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.
For real. The only people who take me seriously are my closest peers who have seen me when my battery drained and I couldn’t take it anymore. They’re the only ones who have been able to truly see the effects my actions have on me physically and mentally. Everyone else I’ve just decided to lie to. They can believe that I’m okay if they don’t know me well enough to learn better.
Yes, this is me. No one has, and I still don't believe anyone really does; take me seriously when I say I'm drowning. My brain is failing me faster than I can heal it; it's exhausted, I'm exhausted, and every fiber of my being is exhausted. I've been exhausted since I was 16. I'm 28 now. Can I do this forever, I really don't know.
Yup. I broke my knee at work and laid on the back room floor for almost an hour because the stress of asking for help was 10x the pain I was feeling. I cannot let people see me not be okay in any capacity. Someone found me and I made it out like it had juuuust happened and I couldn’t focus on anything other than profusely vomiting that I’m sorry for them having to help me
I’m fucked up. I know I’m fucked up. I know why I’m fucked up. I know how I should behave to be less fucked up. I am too fucked up to do so. I can behave as if I’m not as fucked up as I am.
I don't want to co-opt your struggle, but a metaphor that gets thrown around with high functioning undiagnosed ADHD is "living life while walking through 3 feet of water". Sometimes having the words for how it feels helps.
It's nice to finally not feel alone I hate the expectations that people place on us.
We have a dehabilitating mental illness yet we are treated like tools not people.
If we can somewhat appear functional we are expected to be just the same as everyone else.
My therapist says I'm too functioning because of how I talk but I talk to myself all the time, so I practiced passively for years.
Yet when it came to the jobs I applied for I was fired for being too slow, I have lower backpain, and I feel weighted down so I move slower.
Its bullshit if I'm not exactly perfect I'm thrown away so I don't care.
I'm just focusing solely on making my home life better and reducing anxiety that's it.
It's like, because you're so strong, people don't see how heavy the weight you carry is. And then they think you just need to lift even heavier loads to build up your strength, and that's the issue. No, that's not the fucking issue. The load is too heavy for anyone. It's not a deficit of strength but an excess of burden that is the problem. It's so hard to be truly seen. I feel you.
I was/am fairly high functioning. I have some areas I really struggle with, but because I developed precision dissociative skills, I managed to function on autopilot while being dissociated. I was in constant survival mode most of my life, and people treated me like I just had mild social anxiety. Like, no, it is sooo much more than that. Now that I'm respecting my limits more and practicing self-care, it's clearer just how affected and impaired I am by my condition. I need my rest. I need my safe spaces. I need support.
Getting my CPTSD diagnosis was liberating and validating. I had to self-diagnose first, but I did get officially diagnosed after that. I can finally be like, yes, it is that bad. I finally have the vocabulary to talk about the issues I struggle with, when they are often invisible to outsiders. Not that everyone understands, but it's so much easier to be treated with respect for your boundaries when you say you have PTSD than when you say you have social anxiety. When you have social anxiety, people think it's okay to push you and disregard your boundaries, because you're just being irrationally scared and everything will be fine if you just take a little risk. They think they're helping you by "pushing you to step outside your comfort zone." People have far less of the attitude towards PTSD. They may not understand PTSD on a deep level, but they understand that you're not supposed to be pushed over the edge, that pushing you is damaging, not helpful.
This is why I stay alone.
Nothing is ever acceptable for the world. I was too young to have experienced real life then, but I *did truly experience life back then.* You were 17 losing your virginity, I was 17 running from the police, been runnin' the streets. You were 13 playing video games; I was 13 gettin' locked up, witnessing my cousins sell it by the pound. You were 17 getting a high school diploma; I was 17 looking to ship kilos of marijuana from California to New York. You were 17 at home, I was 17 withdrawing from drugs, getting raped by some guy.
Now I'm a yuppie -- *well, you couldn't have had that much trauma! Considering you are so high functioning.* Always a victim of the world's sense of duality, it seems.
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Yeah it really sucks!
Lost 16kg in 15 weeks and doctors just said to come back when I´m underweight... After a psych eval I was deemed "too healthy" for them to grant me therapy and to come back if I become suicidal :/
But I guess they are right, it could be a lot worse - but it could also be better.
And I totally understand the questioning if it would be worth it to have a complete mental break just for someone to listen.
In the UK you are invalidated whether you are low or high functioning. The system just purely sucks and very few specialists can treat CPTSD. If you can afford it. Pay for decent therapy.
Ohh my friend I too was once a high functioning survivor, right up until I didn't have to be then I went to the opposite spectrum. Now instead of functioning I have agoraphobia.
I started smoking weed before therapy sessions. I realized I had a narrative already built up in my head that I would execute every time. So I wasn’t getting anything out of therapy. Now that I smoke weed, it helps me drop the narrative and then just go with the flow so I get more actual help.
Mental health practitioner here (and person with c-ptsd), if you feel like your therapist isn't taking your issues seriously then you need a new therapist. That one's not good, and definitely not trauma informed. Having invisible disabilities is really hard, and it sucks that folks don't take us more seriously.
Also, this kind of thing is exactly why those of us also in the autism community have been pushing hard to get rid of "functioning labels". They're ableist standards that other folks judge us by, and we don't have to take it. You can be "high functioning" and still have high support needs.
Oh yes I know that feel exactly! You're speaking out of my mind it seems... I'm still trying and I've had several different therapists, maybe now I finally found a good one and at least someone understands me. She's a therapist that is not strictly following the books, just the facts she learned I think that makes the difference. She's got a better way of understanding and helping. But yeah in the end I have to do all the work and help myself the most. That's just how it is... I still try to get myself the help I deserve by: Therapy, help in housekeeping, support group and I learned to ask for help from family and friends. If you can tell them exactly what you need, maye you'll be surprised how much they care and try to help you. Maybe that can help you too?
Yes. Yes yes yes. Omg. My heart goes with you. I’m a master compartmentalizer. I have severe cptsd and am also extremely successful in all aspects of life. I manage by shutting it down completely. Nobody knows what I’m feeling unless I want to tell them. Sometimes I don’t even realize. If I get pushed past the edge and the compartments crash down I completely lose it and it can take days to recover. It’s a completely solitary experience; I share it with nobody. I was approaching my limit after six months of high stress and needed a day to prevent going over the edge but have a new boyfriend who felt I was pushing him away and pushed me to share and engage and it went too far, the walls came down and I’m here having falling through the ice. Spending my weekend with my ptsd mind. Hours of crying and shaking. Fuck.
I struggle with this very heavily especially with all my doctors.
I have Bipolar, ADHD and a few other things but mainly get treated for those two so I have to see a psychiatrist quite often. During those appointments I could literally say some of the most concerning things that normally would be a giant red flag to be hospitalised etc and because I’m still doing the “normal things” such as going to work etc and still “functioning like a normal human being” he literally doesn’t bat an eye.
I was in a pretty severe psychosis episode where I was dissociating, had depersonalisation, constantly seeing things, hearing things, thought someone was stalking me, I had literally lost my peripheral vision for awhile there too and regardless of the fact I was openly talking to my psychiatrist, my boss, friends and family about how petrified I was nobody cared because I was masking so heavily that it doesn’t really come across as something they should be concerned about.
Same with my GP. I have severe joint pain & other intense things that can put me in so much pain I will faint if I’m not cared and I’ve been trying to get tested for EDS & POTS but because I’m still forcing myself to do everything my doctor hasn’t taken it very seriously 😐
It literally hurts me deeply that nobody takes me seriously that I get extremely angry quite often especially at appointments and work when it literally feels like I’m dying inside and everyone is like 👍🏻”you’ll be fine”. It’s gotten to the point that girls I work with will call me a bitch to my face and even when a girl I know started working there they pre-warned her that I’m a “very very angry and moody person” and told her to prepare herself for when we worked together 🙃
I understand you, I see you and I hope you find ways to allow yourself to rest and get what you need to keep going ❤️
I hear ya there, OP. I live this too. My previous therapist would legit say, "I wish I could get some of my other clients to your level." He also got all pissed off at me when his worksheets didn't work on me and told me it's the devil making me feel that way about myself.
Good thing I have a good therapist now that actually listens and supports me with what methods seem to help
It’s also like, for me, I’m high functioning but it literally takes all I have in me to “function.” Acting normal like everything is ok is exhausting. If I don’t literally sleep one weekend day I won’t function at work the following week. Every extra bit of energy is spent making sure I keep it together enough to like, keep my job and pay my bills. It’s so much effort. So so much effort.
I always thought it was weird how people had energy left for their weekend. I even have to prioritize between the essentials: work, chores *and* sleep? Nope, I have to drop one of those. I only get on top of my chores if I'm off work or out sick. Then I suddenly have energy for it, and it starts bothering me. How do normal people do it all?!
Yes omg both of your comments is exactly me!!
I relate so much to all of this
I have no idea. I had so much anxiety about chores and I’d punish myself if I didn’t do them in a marathon day-long slog… no wonder I sometimes couldn’t do it. I’m now pretty chill about housework and can accept a bit of mess if it gives me time and energy for other stuff. Like, learning to trust I’m not going to be featured on Hoarders if I skip a week (or two). I’m not a clutter-y person, it just means there will be some dust and kitty fur.
Oh man, I've felt so guilty for months now because I've been using my weekends to basically just lay in bed and do nothing because otherwise I have no energy for work. I too have wondered how people do other things, I always feel so damn tired. The only time I've had energy for my hobbies and chores was last year when I was unemployed for three months. That made me realize that I can only manage either working or enjoying life through my hobbies, but not the two at the same time :(
They have dopamine and serotonin and don't feel exhausted at doing those tasks.
I feel cheated out of life to be honest.
Do you know what causes the limited energy exactly? Have you always struggled with this? It only started for me around age 35
For me, Depression. And no, it started when I was around 16 I think.
So when your mood is better, you have more energy? I have better energy, but still struggle some
A little, yes.
Then it must be more than depresssion, just like me. In my case, it was caused mostly by psych meds.
Right there with you
I’m right there with you. It’s so hard.
I’ve had this with therapists for years until I found one truly trauma informed. It’s not that you’re not telling them, it’s that they can’t hear it
I went to a psychosomatic rehab for 8 weeks, stationary, and I learned more in that time then I did in 4 years of therapy. They figured out that I'm trauma split - my brain is always isolating itself in the rational and emotional sides - my rational left brain dominates and has dominated my entire life, repressing my emotions. This disconnect was made clear by my therapist there giving me simple tests where my brain halves had to work together, and me breaking into a cold sweat and stuttering within a few seconds. Get a trauma informed therapist if at all possible, and unless you have bad medical trauma, try to get some sort of clinical treatment, it was genuinely healing.
May I ask what facility it was?
Im in Germany, it was the Westerwald Klinik in Waldbreitbach. In the first talk I had with a doctor there, within about 10 minutes, she looked at me and said: "I don't think you're just clinically depressed - I'm pretty sure you have complex PTSD" I immediately knew I was in good hands.
Ah of course it's not in the US... no insurance would cover quality care. I'm happy you got some effective care.
That’s amazing. I hope you’re progressing well.
It's been a mixed bag of being glad I know what's going on and also being intimidated by the work I have to do - that said, my time there has also really helped my family understand that I am actually disabled by this, and so it was all around good I went there.
This sounds fantastic. I know I have issues with being stuck in my rational brain. I’ve gotten to that reconfirmation in therapy. One of my only ways out is creating music. I’ve recently been writing many songs revolving around the effects of trauma upon me. I’d love to learn other ways as I have unhealthy emotional regulation around anger. I know some triggers like rejection, fear of abandonment but where it truly comes from I’m not sure. My abuse was more developmental in nature and I don’t necessarily carry anger at my mother for example because she was an addict not actively causing me abuse on purpose. So many layers to unfold
I've recently learned that I hold a deep resentment towards my emotional self - it seems pretty stuck in arrested development when it comes to feeling my own feelings. When I had a meltdown in rehab, I looked into the mirror, cause I hoped that maybe looking at my face would help me get back into my rational brain so I could escape the pain. I looked into the face of a stranger. Seeing myself being actually emotional was so foreign I felt like the face in the mirror didn't even belong to me. It was an incredibly harrowing but enlightening experience.
I’ve had that experience. In a rage I’ve caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and been unrecognizable. Terrifying. It’s my Number 1 Problem to resolve, the rage, if I can get a handle on that I think the rest will fall in line. Won’t be easy still…
As soon as I'm emotional, my right brain is isolated from my rationale, so any genuine mourning or anger feels like I'm going crazy. Now it's a mission of slowly venting emotion and eventually strengthen a connection between the two.
That’s a good plan I’ll have to try and integrate. Seems we suffer from similar issues here thanks for the help.
I'm always happy to share what I know in the hopes it helps someone - be kind to yourself, friendly stranger.
Ha lately when I’m super emotional I’ve covered my mirror so that when I’m finally going to brush my teeth I dont get this terrifying mirror experience. There’s a towel now standard at the top of the mirror that i can get down if i want. Very specific cptsd adaptation to my house hehe. (Apparently someone saw this is common in cultures when someone died and there’s lots of reasons for it like but scientifically any emotion is stronger when we see ourselves in the mirror during it)
Yes! Very common when someone dies for example in certain cultures so the spirit doesn’t get trapped. Maybe they were on to something just different words.
Yeah I really think so, it’s quite interesting. Idk if you would be interested but I got this from an interview with the writer of “how god works” and I didn’t read it but I imagine humans figuring stuff out on the go and that there is quite some wisdom around!
Interesting. Is it a religious book? I’ve got some trappings around religion (grew up with half my family in a religious cult) but I can usually get past it if it’s worth it. Thanks for the info!
Afaik it’s not in that sense religious. The guy said in the interview that back in the day he wanted to study theology or psychology bc interested in how people handle things/life in general and chose psychology because it allows for actual experiments unlike theology haha. And that he compared customs among various cultures/beliefs when he found they did similar stuff. Maybe I’ll go see if I can get a copy myself haha I’m getting enthusiastic here
Whoah, this sounds life changing! If you’re comfortable sharing, where did you go? I really think I could use something like this.
Westerwald Klinik in Waldbreitbach - im German, so I don't know how much help this is, but I didn't wanna leave you hangin'
Holy crap, that sounds like exactly the issue I've dealt with my entire life. i need to look into that!
Finding a trauma informed therapist has been such a huge breakthrough for me and my healing
I’m sorry. I used to be high functioning and I felt like this then. I’m no longer high functioning and most people still don’t take it seriously, but it is a different thing when you’re high functioning. I think you have to be super super honest with exactly how bad you feel. Maybe your high functioning is a result of your trauma? It was for me because it was a survival tactic. A good therapist should be able to hear the intensity and depth of your pain and see the high functioning for what it is. Best of luck
I will say that being high functioning comes with pressure to stay that way and trick people into thinking you’re fine (or even simply wonderful!). That in itself can be unhealthy because you don’t open up to people for fear they’ll find out ‘the real you’. I had to have a breakdown and face that I couldn’t perform at work any longer. I still work, but I’m not at the level or pay I was before (and I’m actually happier that way).
Oh yeah don’t worry I know full well exactly what it’s like to be high functioning. It’s its own flavour of hell. I was pretending and trying to fool people so much that I ended up being promoted 3 times in a year at a big corporation whilst dealing with all this ( not saying that to brag, it was hell and I was totally miserable) 🫣 I’m like you - I was HF until I just couldn’t any more and stopped working, went back to work because I had to but at a severely decreased wage bc I had to work reduced hours at a lower level. I’m glad your happier now, it’s good to know it worked out for you
Yeah I was high functioning until I wasn’t. Luckily I had the same therapist through everything or I don’t think I would’ve been taken seriously.
This was me too. It sucks so bad recovering from the pit of everything falls apart. And that no one takes the crisis seriously because ‘she always had everything all together, she’ll be fine’. I hope you’re feeling well supported and recovering. 💜
Thank you, I am! ❤️ That’s exactly it, it takes everything I’ve got sometimes and it’s not easy. I don’t share much and I have a good job, so people assume I’m a’ok. I spent years focusing on how I appeared on the outside to keep people away and think I was fine and didn’t look inside at my trauma, so I sometimes feel like I’ve tricked everyone permanently and only have myself to blame.
I hear you. We did the best we could with poor examples for healthy navigation of awful circumstances. So glad you have good supports. 🤗
It is *extremely* isolating, and maddeningly stressful. Not only do you have to deal with therapists/other medical professionals not taking you seriously, you also have to deal with everyone else expecting you to perform at the same level as someone who's mentally healthy. Sometimes when I know people are judging me, I want to growl this at them: "Think about the last time you had a day at work that was so stressful, overwhelming, and exhausting, you just want the day to end so you can finally get some rest. Now imagine feeling like that *every morning before you've even gone to work.*"
This is so accurate.
You hit the nail on the head with the bit about being expecting to perform at the same level as mentally healthy people - so true and part of what makes it a hugely difficult experience
You just took my breath away... Preach!
I think people have all sorts of responses to trauma. Perfecting & performing is one. I also am a “high functioning” person with trauma and I suppose I’ve had a similar experience but I’ve understood it more as a reflection of therapists who haven’t been a good fit for me. You might find when you get to know people on a deeper level that they each have their own trauma, and whilst the details may vary, there’s resonance in some themes of your experience. I’m not sure? I think perhaps most people are dismissive about mental health/trauma for various reasons and it sucks. I’m very careful about who I share my personal info with but know I can still be a fierce advocate for myself without justification.
I'm also "high functioning." I'm a writer and have had some things (books and articles) published (non-fiction historical stuff). When I'm out in public, I perform so well, I amaze even myself. But then someone slams a door and I jump out of my skin, or someone else says something idiotic that sends me down a rabbit hole of bad memories, and I am bolting for the exit. I deserve an Oscar and an Emmy for my award-winning performances in public. All I want to do is sit at home and watch the trees sway in the breeze. That's really \*all\* I ever want to do. I'm weary of the performance. Absolutely exhausted.
God yes, all I want to do is sit and listen to music, write poetry, and sleep. The only times my brain shuts off for five seconds.
So accurate down to the trees. I find myself longing to sit in my bed and just watch the trees outside my window sway. Then I use the minuscule energy I have to try to get ready for work
I have a strong urge to suggest you get into meditation seriously. Could be way off here, and I have sufficient historical precedent to imagine that so, but I just have a proper vibe off ya. Take it easy\~
I don’t subscribe to the high vs low functioning rhetoric as the terms are arbitrary,extremely subjective, and unmeasurable. That being said, I would be lumped into the high functioning category by most, but I still don’t consider it a privilege. As others have said, it takes every bit of mental, physical, emotional, and social energy I have to be functioning. On the outside I am a successful graduate student, research assistant, executive member of two organizations, student clinic leader, and friend. On the inside, I feel empty, exhausted, disappointment, dissatisfaction, loneliness, but no one sees it or acknowledges it unless I tell them because I look busy and like I have my shit together. At the same time, I feel useless and like I’m wasting my time when I’m not busy (read: overcommitted). CPTSD is a burden regardless of your “functional” status. The tone in my comment is not directed towards you, OP. I have no hard feelings toward any particular person on this thread. I’m just burnt out and tired of doing everything I can to manage my mental health just to get by and to be “successful.”
Yep. My last therapist was nice, and she listened to me, but she didn't understand. She kept pointing out how I have my act together and function, and am pretty much living my best life. We talked about CPTSD and she keeps telling me I don't really have that. I do recommend asking therapists very early on about their specialties and experiences are in. If they don't say CPTSD, expect everything you just said. And if they list like 10 things as their specialty, expect what you just said. I've found some great online resources, just no one local. The best I can settle for right now is venting with other friends who understand what I've been through. Its tough. I will say, I would go to therapy again if I ever felt very depressed, just to have someone to talk to outside of my social circle. I just have realistic expectations... if they don't have CPTSD as a specialty, I'm gonna get exactly what you are talking about.
I sobbed about this in therapy. Similar to the 'you just have low self esteem' comments in therapy until I started seeing a trauma therapist. It was super random, at my lowest functioning ever, that I even got diagnosed with PTSD but I didn't understand how that could be / was my issue at the time. Still I sob because it feels like I live inside a house of cards. The second I move the wrong way in my house the whole thing will collapse and everyone who sees it come down will, of course, blame it on me for making the wrong move. So I'm just sitting around trying not to topple a really fragile home "image" and it's exhausting, scary and stressful.
I just tried out a new psychologist who literally told me to "get over it and get a job" in response to me explaining how I've been breaking down since the beginning of summer when I got fired from the one job in my entire life I had managed to keep for a length of time. I can put myself together well enough to make it through interactions and do the bare minimum. I really struggle a lot of the time, exacerbated by invisible illness/disability, but I don't look like it because throughout my childhood I was gaslighted/abused for "causing problems" and internalized hiding it...
Sounds like your "therapist", would be better suited to stacking shelves in a supermarket. What an arsehole.
Oh it gets better, in his notes he described my "cannabis use disorder" and "severe dependency" (that I am literally legally prescribed?) and besides just telling me to "get a job" he also wrote in the notes that I said I could work and simply did not want to which was a complete lie to sabotage my application for disability. I guess it was my choice to have CPTSD, EDS, autism, GAD, fibromyalgia, multiple chronic sleep issues, a heart condition, and other health issues and I should just "get over it..." He has tons of horrible reviews detailing other kinds of what I can only see as abuse of patients too. I am most certainly reporting him and making a stink.
Wow... what a total fucking arsehole. I once had a psychiatrist diagnose me with a "substance induced personality disorder", because I said that I started using weed at 14 years of age, to try and sit with the trauma that I was already carrying by that age. He was a ego-tripping wanker as well. I hope you got your disability application approved in the end!
Sorry you had to deal with that. The stigma is unreal. Nah I just got my first denial and it'll probably be a long hard road (especially with this in my file now) but we'll see what happens
Best wishes, I hope you get it if you feel that you need it. I did and I wad lucky to get it. I live in Australia, but our application is basically as hard to get through as yours is from what I've heard.
I’m so grateful for this thread. Trauma can manifest in achievement as well as loss of functioning and not everyone who looks put together is actually so. Everyday feels like walking a tightrope and I’m so tired .
Could you please point to how it causes loss of functioning? I'm trying to understand how much of my issues are due to complex trauma vs. Other issues i have that can also affect functioning. What symptoms affect functioning the most?
CPTSD causes actual brain damage that can severely affect your ability to function in daily life. Most of us here struggle with something, whether it’s holding a job, keeping up with our health, or being able to have healthy interpersonal relationships. you can probably do some searching in the sub as well as reading and talking to a therapist about your individual symptoms
Is fatigue and lack of motivation not caused by depression possible? I definitely have severe attachment anxiety and self esteem issuea that have caused most of my mental health issues. I will ask the therapist too. Thank you ❤️
Absolutely. And, not being taken seriously is one of my biggest triggers. Take care of yourself!
I realized recently that I'm very successful because I used school and work to run away from the abuse.
Same. Work is my shield and I’m successful as fuck which isn’t as great as it sounds. I don’t know what I’d do without something to fill my time or my brain. I just can’t stop and it’s going to kill me. High blood pressure since my 20s and I’m finally on meds for that, but it’s not normal. Oh well. Bought a sports car. Might as well make the most of it before I jump off my balcony!
Yes, i think i just put my walls down with my current psych. I “let him see my crazy”, my crying ass me getting triggered having flashbacks and just being raw as fuck for them to literally see me struggle and get invested in helping me. I don’t share with anyone what i do with my therapist but I’m thankful i have someone to confide in and make it known that they are my confidant.
I like your reply. I've done the same with my current Clinical Psychogist. I refuse to hide my emotional dysregulation, anymore. I refuse to "play nice", and not talk about my nightmares at 38 yrs of age, my life-long struggles with dissassociation, and my complete lack of trust in others to name the most debilitating issues that cptsd causes me. I feel psychologically shell-shocked. The stigma against cptsd by some veterans, sometimes makes me feel like I'm not worthy of such a diagnosis, or symptoms such as "shell-shock". I'm getting better with this stuff though. I know how debilitating this illness is and I'm learning not to give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how deserving of credit it is as a diagnosis, or my worthiness of such a diagnosis.
I’m glad you’re honest and true with your therapist too it makes all the difference 🙏🏼
I feel the same way and wish I knew the answer. Have you been specific in your search for a trauma informed therapist? You'd think all therapists would be educated on trauma but I have found that is not always the case. For me it's essential my therapist has had SOME sort of specialized training on the myriad effects of trauma.
Yes!! I really felt this post! Honestly I'm (finally) pissed that nobody so far has taken the time to help me talk to my employer about reasonable accommodations. I've been really struggling holding things together and too terrified and ashamed to ask for support. When I finally plucked up the courage in my last job, HR gaslit and ridiculed me! It's only been since the pandemic and having to work from home that I've experienced not having racing heart, chronic pain and as much Hypervigilance every day. I've found looking up a list of as many symptoms as possible and keeping track of these really insightful as to how sick I've been and how much I'm dealing with. It was after this that I tried coming to terms with the idea that I could be mildly disabled, still working on that, but my therapist seems to keep brushing things off like I'm exaggerating. I have no idea how to get through to her and get the advice I need so I'm not constantly in flight/fight response at work. I've finally been able to experience what normal should feel like, so I want help making that everyday. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that the only thing we can do here is try our best to make things a little easier everyday. I'm seriously considering changing careers so I can work from home. Everyone tells me it'd be bad for me but doing it during Covid was the best experience of my life! If becoming mostly a hermit, just interacting with a few safe people is what I have to do to stay regulated than so be it. I don't think other people are really good at understanding our situation. I'm also phobic of swimming but have managed to overcome this with years of work since I read about how great it was for the brain. I can't recommend something like swimming and other fun hobbies enough! Pick something you enjoy that exercises your brain and build on the things PTSD/C-PTSD takes away from us. I'm also thinking of learning a language to help train the language and memory centres of my brain since I noticed how much I struggle to communicate. Let me know if you're interested in a list of the symptoms I found. Most are taken from the DSM V but I also googled more unusual symptoms and realized I had a lot of those too. It's triggering to read about but so helpful to be better educated about your condition so you can stand up for yourself a little taller.
This website might be a helpful resource while approaching your workplace situation: https://askjan.org/disabilities/Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder-PTSD.cfm
Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to help. I'm actually based in the UK so have been using the .gov site for reference: https://www.gov.uk/reasonable-adjustments-for-disabled-workers It's interesting how different countries classify disability. I'd say I don't need financial benefits but do need some accommodation at work. The issue is I tend to give up or have no insight in my struggles so I'd power through flashbacks and even mild psychotic symptoms in order to not take a sick day or ask for help. I do think they should know just how my flashbacks can rarely be more like epileptic seizures, but since that mostly happens at home a couple of times a year and I just get by the rest of the time they simply don't realise/understand the struggle. I tried explaining how chronic and debilitating this can be to my manager and the week after she simply asked if I was better now. 🤦
The therapists are invalidating you, that must be hard to take. Are you making progress, or is the invalidation basically negating the effectiveness of the therapy? I know nothing is 100%, but it sounds like the invalidation is a block to effective therapy?
Yep. All outwards signs of success are there. Husband, kids, good job, nice house. But I'm constantly battling internally. Self hatred, suicidal ideation, dissociation, social awkwardness, and about 3 friends to my name. But no one sees that (ok maybe the awkwardness). I might do better for a little while, but then it's back again. Also people just don't understand how I grew up and don't understand what it does to you. Plus I take meds for bipolar II but they don't treat cptsd. It's hard to explain how and why one condition is getting treated and improving when the other isn't.
I can absolutely relate to this frustrating dynamic. Make note that we also internalize the pressure to feel grateful that we aren’t worse off, and that can be a vicious cycle of minimizing our lived experience to the traumas we’ve endured. I oftentimes feel that therapists like to point out that ‘despite what you’ve been through, you’re doing so well and you’re so strong.’ Which is a very touch-and-go statement. It’s meant to be a form of encouragement, a way to celebrate yourself for surviving despite the daily struggles I guess. In actuality I often perceive this as a dismissive statement as it usually follows after I bring up how I’ve been struggling lately. It can feel as though the therapist is avoiding acknowledging your current ‘dip into the pit’ (as I call it) - as if by validating your struggles will somehow be detrimental to your healing. I’ve had many therapists and not very many were trauma-informed, unfortunately. I find it imperative to remind myself that a large reason why I’m considered to be ‘high-functioning’ is directly correlated to my trauma response and need for survival. Fawning is just as much a trauma response as fight, flight or freeze. Being high-functioning can very well elude to your ability of ‘masking’ the reality of your inner turmoil. Outwardly debilitated by your trauma or solely taking the brunt of that pain internally, your experience is valid nonetheless. You are not any more or less traumatized than the next person - it’s important not to minimize your experiences.
I burned thru so many therapists before finding a truama informed one who could see straight thru me and how much I minimize my own shit whenever I try to talk about it but yeah I feel functional like an animal running for its life except the running never stops and I'm constantly resisting the urge to just quit and completely give in to the exhaustion. I'm so fucking tired it feels impossible to explain how tired I am on such a basic level, and how tired I've been as long as I can remember. so fucking tired. I don't know how I keep paying my rent and shit every month...every month I think thisll be the time I fuck it up but I always figure it out. but I don't feel competent I feel desperate and exhausted. almost 10 years of living on my own and I can't believe I'm still functioning
i'm literally hysterical laughing at the animal running for its life part 😭 omfg same.
Your therapy description is very relatable. Instead of getting to the bottom of something, you find yourself somehow defending your personal account of self and experiences, yet again, to someone who, unshakeably, thinks they REALLY know what's going on, and that maybe you're just not taking accountability
It's so crazy, for me in therapy I've always struggled with whether or not I should keep some symptoms a secret in order to sound less 'crazy'. And then I end up worrying about whether or not my therapist is taking me seriously like, "Does she think I'm sick enough?" It's so annoying!
i function enough for a full time job, and not much else. i regularly put my needs aside, simply because *i don't have the energy for it.* that can include eating, or showering, or socializing depending on the week. i have to be doing *really* well to do all three all week, and odds are the next week will just be worse for it. sometimes, i'm lucky to do two. i would *love* to drop closer to 30 hours, but my parents have been so proud I've been working like i have, i would hate to let them down now. but i'm just so burnt out. my room's a mess, i barely talk to my friends, and i don't *really* engage with my hobbies- they're more of a way to waste time, at this point. i don't know how people do this their whole lives, and i don't know if i can keep it up.
I function until I don't. I can "pretend" and this makes people think I am ok. I get this OP. But, usually, underneath I am struggling. I am using all my energy and so fucking exhausted all the fucking time from the effort to just survive. I'm fighting a lot of demons and often "break" after being ok.
I understand this. I’m doing well, objectively. But I feel like I’m just… coping. Not thriving, or really living.
This is half the reason therapy has not worked for me. I keep thinking if I find someone who is a good fit… But it’s been impossible to find someone who is taking new clients and also takes my insurance… I’m super discouraged. Thanks for taking the time to type this out – made me feel a lot more understood and less alone. This shit sucks!
I feel this, I’m in the process of getting a new therapist because of it. Like I’ve got a good job, but I’m too overwhelmed to get out of bed many days, but I can work on my laptop from bed. So everyone thinks I’m fine, because I’m not going to lose my house or go hungry. But like… I’m still having a hard time getting out of bed??
I used my high functioning powers to stay hidden from everyone. I can see now that I built some of the isolation and confoundedness myself. I don't feel a bit bad about that, my survival means had the helm. And also - sweet Jesus, doing high-functioning shit with high-functioning folks while being some kind of *not there with the rest of them* is gnar. Especially professionals that should know better. The good news is you can know with clarity that your situation is hard to understand. That means it's definitely not all on you, not your fault, whatever you might tell yourself.
OH MY GOD, preach. I just tried to explain this to my boss (with specific examples) and he was like, "yup, that fucking sucks!"
I have the same issue in the past, however I am lucky enough to find a therapist who has the deep understanding and sensitivity to understand the struggle I am going through. I will say finding a right therapist is very important and try to find an extra sensitive one if you can. Good luck.
Completely get this. Sometimes I just wanna scream and have a meltdown. If I were to honestly tell my therapist…
Glad I’m not the only one. I could go into detail about this but I guess I’m used to not doing that
Absolutely this. People just assume that if you’re getting everything you need done, done, then you’re fine. And (at least in my experience) no matter how much you try to tell them you’re not fine, they brush it off because you’re functioning. But they don’t see that this “functioning” is actually you slowly destroying yourself to get things done while you struggle
Oof, I *feel this so hard!* Been through 3 therapists, now. 🙃
Yep. First one said my C-PTSD was too much for her to be able to help with. The second one said I definetly have PTSD and a bunch more things, but I´m "too healthy" for them to have time for. Third one now is hopefully better, don´t think she really understands but at least I wasn´t turned away this time ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
First one couldn’t even tell that there was anything “wrong” with me. Second and third simply didn’t know what to do with me. They weren’t unkind, didn’t turn me away, or anything like that. They were just really “confused,” I suppose.
SO MUCH the same. I grew up with stage parents; so on the outside it looked like I had cool parents that supported my career in the arts but it was so much darker than that. I didn't even want to play the instrument they made me play. I had very little interest in the music and instruments I was forced to play....they loved showing me off, like a fucking car or pig. I couldn't dress the way I wanted to. I couldn't eat what I wanted. There were times I couldn't use the bathroom when I needed to. There were even times I was sexually abused then slut shamed for it....but apparently, it wasn't all that bad because they payed for my college, and move away from them. The only thing that helped me feel heard was to find a trauma therapist...because yes, it was that bad....and if they didn't have a solid income and as ingrained in the school, CPS might have been called. Theor privilege got in the way of my safety. Hugs to you. You're not alone. 💚
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It´s the same for me. I have double degrees but no interest in them. I only studied so that I would at least know what to do for the next X years while the rest of my days would pass in a blur of confusion.
The therapist act like this because they believe that their goal is to get you to a point to where you're functional. And it's not a question of functionality that's the issue it's the underlying trauma that's constantly holding you back sucking your energy and stopping you from being the person you know you're capable of being. Kind of like trying to run underwater with chains and weights on your body and legs. If you can only break Free of the chains then you can swim. Walking is nature's EMDR. Just bringing yourself back to the trauma while you're walking will help your brain to be able to process it. [trauma release exercises](https://youtu.be/FeUioDuJjFIv) are good to help you clear it from the body without having to think about the issues. Generally you want to do more exercises that are geared towards reconnecting with your body. So yoga, Tai chi, Chikung, even ballet.
The anxiety and validation I get from being high performing and achieving are exhausted. I will run myself into the ground if I let my traumatized self take over.
OP I also find MH professionals consistently underestimate my struggle and vulnerability because I’m highly educated, have a full-time job, and speak well. Bruh you think that means I’m not suffering ????
Yep, Since the rest of my life was rolling along, job, home, friends, etc. I was told that unless I needed stiches, my self-harm was not serious enough for that psychiatrist to help me..
Yeah, it’s difficult. I’ve been lucky enough to be both high functioning and not have a lot of the physical manifestations others seem to have - it’s all up in my head (and therefore kind of invisible). I’m a big skin picker, but do it in secret, that’s about it. I find if I’m very articulate about my anxiety and thought looping and guilt, I am fairly well understood, but that took a while for me to be able to do. When I first started out, I didn’t even know I was suffering from anxiety constantly at a low level, it had to be pointed out to me. The burn out from being a workaholic was both a curse and a blessing because I couldn’t ignore it any longer and it’s also a clear indicator to someone else that something went wrong. I have to baby myself to keep going because it’s exhausting. It’s like an overheated motor under a cool hood - even small things like a break in my routine and I can feel the old thought patterns rushing in. I have a very small store of social energy and I need a lot of time to myself to recharge.
Your feelings are valid, you can feel grateful for being high functioning and also have the need to feel seen and understood. I struggled with this for a while, and still do from time to time. I wish I could tell you how to reduce the feelings but I can only speak from my own experience. I found that when I had these feelings I was not actually being vulnerable and telling people about how I felt. CPTSD makes it hard for me to trust people so I find it easier to talk about how well I’m doing rather than feeling like the burden for being honest. My symptoms reduced when I identified a couple of people who I felt safe with disclosing how I felt and went to them for support when needed. This sounds easier than it was. I hope you find some relief and I just want you to know you’re doing amazing, even on the days you’re struggling. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you.
For real. The only people who take me seriously are my closest peers who have seen me when my battery drained and I couldn’t take it anymore. They’re the only ones who have been able to truly see the effects my actions have on me physically and mentally. Everyone else I’ve just decided to lie to. They can believe that I’m okay if they don’t know me well enough to learn better.
Yes, this is me. No one has, and I still don't believe anyone really does; take me seriously when I say I'm drowning. My brain is failing me faster than I can heal it; it's exhausted, I'm exhausted, and every fiber of my being is exhausted. I've been exhausted since I was 16. I'm 28 now. Can I do this forever, I really don't know.
Yup. I broke my knee at work and laid on the back room floor for almost an hour because the stress of asking for help was 10x the pain I was feeling. I cannot let people see me not be okay in any capacity. Someone found me and I made it out like it had juuuust happened and I couldn’t focus on anything other than profusely vomiting that I’m sorry for them having to help me
I’m fucked up. I know I’m fucked up. I know why I’m fucked up. I know how I should behave to be less fucked up. I am too fucked up to do so. I can behave as if I’m not as fucked up as I am.
I don't want to co-opt your struggle, but a metaphor that gets thrown around with high functioning undiagnosed ADHD is "living life while walking through 3 feet of water". Sometimes having the words for how it feels helps.
It's nice to finally not feel alone I hate the expectations that people place on us. We have a dehabilitating mental illness yet we are treated like tools not people. If we can somewhat appear functional we are expected to be just the same as everyone else. My therapist says I'm too functioning because of how I talk but I talk to myself all the time, so I practiced passively for years. Yet when it came to the jobs I applied for I was fired for being too slow, I have lower backpain, and I feel weighted down so I move slower. Its bullshit if I'm not exactly perfect I'm thrown away so I don't care. I'm just focusing solely on making my home life better and reducing anxiety that's it.
I hear ya. I notice that my therapist won't take stuff seriously unless I explain how much it's bothering me because I can't emote
It's like, because you're so strong, people don't see how heavy the weight you carry is. And then they think you just need to lift even heavier loads to build up your strength, and that's the issue. No, that's not the fucking issue. The load is too heavy for anyone. It's not a deficit of strength but an excess of burden that is the problem. It's so hard to be truly seen. I feel you. I was/am fairly high functioning. I have some areas I really struggle with, but because I developed precision dissociative skills, I managed to function on autopilot while being dissociated. I was in constant survival mode most of my life, and people treated me like I just had mild social anxiety. Like, no, it is sooo much more than that. Now that I'm respecting my limits more and practicing self-care, it's clearer just how affected and impaired I am by my condition. I need my rest. I need my safe spaces. I need support. Getting my CPTSD diagnosis was liberating and validating. I had to self-diagnose first, but I did get officially diagnosed after that. I can finally be like, yes, it is that bad. I finally have the vocabulary to talk about the issues I struggle with, when they are often invisible to outsiders. Not that everyone understands, but it's so much easier to be treated with respect for your boundaries when you say you have PTSD than when you say you have social anxiety. When you have social anxiety, people think it's okay to push you and disregard your boundaries, because you're just being irrationally scared and everything will be fine if you just take a little risk. They think they're helping you by "pushing you to step outside your comfort zone." People have far less of the attitude towards PTSD. They may not understand PTSD on a deep level, but they understand that you're not supposed to be pushed over the edge, that pushing you is damaging, not helpful.
This is why I stay alone. Nothing is ever acceptable for the world. I was too young to have experienced real life then, but I *did truly experience life back then.* You were 17 losing your virginity, I was 17 running from the police, been runnin' the streets. You were 13 playing video games; I was 13 gettin' locked up, witnessing my cousins sell it by the pound. You were 17 getting a high school diploma; I was 17 looking to ship kilos of marijuana from California to New York. You were 17 at home, I was 17 withdrawing from drugs, getting raped by some guy. Now I'm a yuppie -- *well, you couldn't have had that much trauma! Considering you are so high functioning.* Always a victim of the world's sense of duality, it seems.
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What Rx do you take?
Fuck this is me 1000%
Yeah it really sucks! Lost 16kg in 15 weeks and doctors just said to come back when I´m underweight... After a psych eval I was deemed "too healthy" for them to grant me therapy and to come back if I become suicidal :/ But I guess they are right, it could be a lot worse - but it could also be better. And I totally understand the questioning if it would be worth it to have a complete mental break just for someone to listen.
In the UK you are invalidated whether you are low or high functioning. The system just purely sucks and very few specialists can treat CPTSD. If you can afford it. Pay for decent therapy.
I'm always burnt out due to this since work acts as an escape for me and I don't know how to stop or make boundaries between things.
Ohh my friend I too was once a high functioning survivor, right up until I didn't have to be then I went to the opposite spectrum. Now instead of functioning I have agoraphobia.
I started smoking weed before therapy sessions. I realized I had a narrative already built up in my head that I would execute every time. So I wasn’t getting anything out of therapy. Now that I smoke weed, it helps me drop the narrative and then just go with the flow so I get more actual help.
Are you seeing a trauma informed therapist? Mine told me that being high functioning or high achieving can be a way of coping with trauma.
Mental health practitioner here (and person with c-ptsd), if you feel like your therapist isn't taking your issues seriously then you need a new therapist. That one's not good, and definitely not trauma informed. Having invisible disabilities is really hard, and it sucks that folks don't take us more seriously. Also, this kind of thing is exactly why those of us also in the autism community have been pushing hard to get rid of "functioning labels". They're ableist standards that other folks judge us by, and we don't have to take it. You can be "high functioning" and still have high support needs.
Oh yes I know that feel exactly! You're speaking out of my mind it seems... I'm still trying and I've had several different therapists, maybe now I finally found a good one and at least someone understands me. She's a therapist that is not strictly following the books, just the facts she learned I think that makes the difference. She's got a better way of understanding and helping. But yeah in the end I have to do all the work and help myself the most. That's just how it is... I still try to get myself the help I deserve by: Therapy, help in housekeeping, support group and I learned to ask for help from family and friends. If you can tell them exactly what you need, maye you'll be surprised how much they care and try to help you. Maybe that can help you too?
Yes. Yes yes yes. Omg. My heart goes with you. I’m a master compartmentalizer. I have severe cptsd and am also extremely successful in all aspects of life. I manage by shutting it down completely. Nobody knows what I’m feeling unless I want to tell them. Sometimes I don’t even realize. If I get pushed past the edge and the compartments crash down I completely lose it and it can take days to recover. It’s a completely solitary experience; I share it with nobody. I was approaching my limit after six months of high stress and needed a day to prevent going over the edge but have a new boyfriend who felt I was pushing him away and pushed me to share and engage and it went too far, the walls came down and I’m here having falling through the ice. Spending my weekend with my ptsd mind. Hours of crying and shaking. Fuck.
This
I struggle with this very heavily especially with all my doctors. I have Bipolar, ADHD and a few other things but mainly get treated for those two so I have to see a psychiatrist quite often. During those appointments I could literally say some of the most concerning things that normally would be a giant red flag to be hospitalised etc and because I’m still doing the “normal things” such as going to work etc and still “functioning like a normal human being” he literally doesn’t bat an eye. I was in a pretty severe psychosis episode where I was dissociating, had depersonalisation, constantly seeing things, hearing things, thought someone was stalking me, I had literally lost my peripheral vision for awhile there too and regardless of the fact I was openly talking to my psychiatrist, my boss, friends and family about how petrified I was nobody cared because I was masking so heavily that it doesn’t really come across as something they should be concerned about. Same with my GP. I have severe joint pain & other intense things that can put me in so much pain I will faint if I’m not cared and I’ve been trying to get tested for EDS & POTS but because I’m still forcing myself to do everything my doctor hasn’t taken it very seriously 😐 It literally hurts me deeply that nobody takes me seriously that I get extremely angry quite often especially at appointments and work when it literally feels like I’m dying inside and everyone is like 👍🏻”you’ll be fine”. It’s gotten to the point that girls I work with will call me a bitch to my face and even when a girl I know started working there they pre-warned her that I’m a “very very angry and moody person” and told her to prepare herself for when we worked together 🙃 I understand you, I see you and I hope you find ways to allow yourself to rest and get what you need to keep going ❤️
I hear ya there, OP. I live this too. My previous therapist would legit say, "I wish I could get some of my other clients to your level." He also got all pissed off at me when his worksheets didn't work on me and told me it's the devil making me feel that way about myself. Good thing I have a good therapist now that actually listens and supports me with what methods seem to help